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Journals

Thoughts About Mom

The Person Who You Will Never Met

I met someone new.  Someone good.  Someone who loves me and has promised me a future. We have celebrated this with dad, with our families and our loved ones.  And we visited you at the gravesite to share the news. And as we celebrate this milestone, I am mourn you.  You who would have celebrated us the most.  You who would have been the first to tell, to have hold me and to whisper soft congratulations in my ear.  You who would have gotten me ready on the wedding day.  You who would be
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

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Miss you Papa

When it hits me

Hello mera pyara papa,  I just received your father's Day card, put it on the display under your photo. I hope you will read it on Father's Day,  there's all my lovely photo of you. I'm so lost and tired. I never imagined that in this endless time that I would have to deal with more heart ache. I suppose that I felt the immense pain... that no other pain would feel like a punch in the gut. On the plus side I see you in even great light. Put you on even higher pedestal.  Thinking of you,  I'm smi
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Miss you Papa

When it hits me

Papa, Sometimes I think of you, talk happily about my yesterday years to days before... Sometimes when it hits me, can't catch my breath... feel like I'm going to die. Can't breathe,  hyperventilating.  I am full of regret that I took you for granted,  we do, don't we.  The pain at times I fall apart. I stutter,  tears streaming,  voice almost choking as I try to speak.  You know it's so true  like I heard. You'd do anything. I miss you calling for jobs you wanted to do. 
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Thoughts About Mom

I See You

I lost you almost three years now. But I still see you. You are the dust sparkling in the sunlight,  drifting in the sunbeam. You are the butterfly floating among the flowers, alive in every wingbeat. You are the warm spring wind, brushing past me and grazing my cheek. You are the sun's reflection in the river, fleck of glimmer catching my eye. You are the sunlight enveloping me with your warmth to make me feel cozy and home again. You are the kindness I feel f
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

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Thoughts About Mom

Mother's Day and Those Who Still Have Their Moms

With Mother's day around the corner, spring in the air, flowers blossoming, I am reminded more of you and the loss of you this time of year. It is a more tender time for my heart.  I long for you more.  The tears fall more easily.  The hole of you being gone is larger.  The hurt of remembering you are gone, is deeper. I am also more prickly this time of year. Especially those who have still have their moms. When they complain about their moms, it hurts me deeply.   At le
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

0
Holy Sh*t, He's Gone: Navigating the F*cking Aftermath of Loss Without the Bullsh*t

Surviving the Shitstorm: Publishing "HOLY SH*T, THEY’RE GONE" Amidst Grief and Homelessness

Grief is a hell of a thing. It doesn’t care where you are, what’s happening in your life, or how much strength you thought you had left. It will rip you apart in ways you can never predict. But what happens when, amidst all that pain, you push forward to create something that might help someone else understand their own grief? Well, that’s my story. A lot of people expect grief to follow a certain path, but they’re wrong. The truth is, grief doesn’t give a damn about your expectations
c728

c728 in Patrick Allen

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Miss you Papa

When it hits me

I feel like I can't breathe and someone is cutting my inside so hole that is there is wider. I'm struggling to understand and understanding god. We are left behind and I wish with all my heart you are with God. Wherever you are happy... but God... what about the ones left behind...  Think how each day shock after shock... think about how much you must have been... after math... we can't fathom everything and still don't  .. what you must have gone through..   Why, why why... I think 
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Miss you Papa

When it hits me

Papa,  we all are missing you so much. We remember you, talk about you. Feel like we're keeping you alive... I shouted out as always did, it felt like old times... the silence replied... I sat in your chair and talked... can see you everywhere    The dynamics in the household now, without you as shifted to now both your kids and family,  united  common goal...  mum. We're finally beginning to glimpse into each others live,  impacted of August 16th to 19th... 😪 I know,      
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Miss you Papa

When it hits me

I'm going to write a letter to my dad, grief counselling has been telling me, couple session ago. I got my printed paper with the hummingbird on it, all ready.   Yesterday my body was so anxious like you could feel the pelt up energy from inner core of my inside... slowly moving like it was going to blast out of my body... I felt scared as well... remember being so aware what's happening... Today... I'm empty... empty like my whole inside has been scooped out...  I miss you Papa, 
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Journey of Grief

Life Goes On...

It has been 3 months and 7 days since losing my grandmother. It has not been an easy transition, and I find myself procrastinating to continue going through her things. I look at a shirt she had from my school in 7th grade when they sold them to families for school spirit, and the one from my football team in high school. I see the memories in everything I look at of hers, and it serves as a constant reminder of her not being here. I've never gone more than a few weeks without talking to my gran
_iamky96

_iamky96 in Grandmother

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Holy Sh*t, He's Gone: Navigating the F*cking Aftermath of Loss Without the Bullsh*t

Today will never be that day...

I don’t even know where to start. Maybe with the fact that I don’t have a home. Maybe with the fact that I don’t have him. Or maybe with the fact that I wake up every damn day in a car that wasn’t meant to be lived in, in a life that wasn’t meant to be survived like this. I don't even get the luxury of waking up in our bed, in our home, next to Patrick, where I belonged. No, my family made sure to rip even that away from me, all because they couldn’t handle my grief. As if I should’ve just gotte
c728

c728 in Patrick Allen

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Miss you Papa

When it hits me

People are really weird... I heard my co worker has been telling work... she sees me driving all the time... If I'm driving around... I should be at work...  Yes, I do drive... to Dr appointment to grief counselling,  get medication or take my kids to their appointments... Otherwise I don't.  I drive to my mum's so we can comfort each other as house feels empty.  Work knows, as I actually spoke to my boss. It's private... they know I am suffering with sudden bereavement and depression.
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

4
Miss you Papa

When it hits me

I've just got back home yesterday,  we took your  ashes back to India.  I remember that day, my mind dissociate with reality.  At times I would forget the purpose for being there. The moment had come, I remember previously thinking that now it was final goodbye,  the end. I cried as my brother and mother poured ashes. I thought of you, as ashes were poured in the running stream... I cried as imagine it was last part of you leaving.  When it was my turn, I felt like that your hand that I was hold
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Keeping promises while coping

Still lost

It'll be two years on March 16th 2025, can't believe it's been that long. Some days feels like it was yesterday but other days feels like forever. I love and miss him so much. I don't know when I will find peace.
Missing Him31623

Missing Him31623 in Missing him still

3
Miss you Papa

When it hits me

I've been twice so far, grief counselling. I have lovely young lady whose listens as I waffle,  regurgitating  everything that's on my mind... in each session. She asked me what do you want from the session,  end goal. I was stumped... what do I really want...  I know what I really want is ... not attainable... ask me... like a child I say... I want my papa back.   It's made me think...maybe... How to move forward,  how to let go, how to cope and there is a fear... (God, I wo
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Miss you Papa

When it hits me

You know,  I remember the day when everyone left on funeral day. Left was just me, my mum, brother and sister in law,  sitting in dad's room. Realised I was alone. They all sat infront and when they were talking to each other. I watched silently. My heart sank and the realisation how much my dad being in my life came crashing into my thoughts.  Yesterday,  it came again. That I was more of after thought... my existence had no bearing in their lives. Could be discarded whenever and used when
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Miss you Papa

When it hits me

I finally got the text message,  my first face to face appointment with an counsellor... This Friday...  You know my first 2 dreams of my papa... made me happy.  My third dream... I couldn't fully understood and woke up like my brain had been scrambled... I still remember a glimpse of my dad. Started those hypnotise on YouTube... I've used them before, struggled with sleep.  I thought I'd try different hypnotise one and its ended on weird tripping one.  My Dr put down dad passed a
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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Journey of Grief

Rollercoaster

Today (02/02/25) I feel content, almost optimistic. Yesterday (02/01/25) I took a leap and downloaded an app that I've been seeing. It's an app that promotes self care by taking care of a pet every time you take care of yourself. I am the type of person that thrives on lists, and I do love being rewarded when I hit my goals. The best part about this app so far is that I can set my own goals, but it also takes into account my feedback and gives me suggestions for goals as well. Every time I compl
_iamky96

_iamky96 in Grandmother

0
Miss you Papa

When it hits me

Trying... trying that all I can do... every one says need to speak grief counsellor so I can move on. Yes, every time I ring to hear any new updates... I speak them like they are... they listen I talk... I open up... really open up. Sometimes I read, others... they still don't move on... question existence...  I know my view changed, life goes and then... that's it.    In the end spoke to my GP they've up my meds as felt like ... they weren't doing nothing.. every 3 nights I up. M
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

0
Miss you Papa

When it hits me

Ended up in bed, sleeping at 5:50pm.  Woke up, whatsapp ping.. sorted out an issue. Note: good Sleep made me less stress... dealing with issues.  Also not been blindside and be prepared. Expect the worst... think that's by go to... see if it helps... My lad messaged earlier but I issues to deal the moment I woke up.. so I replied, late. We had a good chat ... me talking about my dad... new stories... laughed. Watched  my tiktok... my go to... focus... so mind doesn't have opportunity to ach
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

0
Miss you Papa

When it hits me

Misery likes company... now I understand.   There's Misery a state or feeling... I see it as an emotion (dark, vast and silent) and there is moi.  I,  no longer feel alone. I like silence...  Hear sounds of birds chirping... I remember when we were in lockdown... a new world where nature became loud...  once the ban was lifted... the world return to sound of people, cars etc. I, regret the time I lost with you Papa. I was the one who stuck to the rules. I know if anything hap
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

0
Miss you Papa

When it hits me

Dad, I miss you so much... it's hurts so much like someone is tearing my inside to shreds. I LITERALLY  can't cope no more... all the stress... I talk but when I need someone to take all the pressure... feeling like a erupting inside... there's no one. I sent angry text to Dev... too much to handle for me... from allsides... feel like I am an animal caged and prodded from all sides. I turn one way... then I prodded from another.  I'm on the edge... trying to breathe.  The antidepressants I've ga
Bleaksunshine

Bleaksunshine in When it hits me

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