Journals

Daytona, Daytona, Daytona...

It’s that time of year again, NASCAR season is about to begin again. I love racing since I was a little girl. Growing up in Virginia it was all around me. My favorite driver was the “King” Richard Petty. Over the years, I have had to change favorites as they have retired and left the sport. The biggest race in NASCAR is the Daytona 500. It’s my favorite race of the year because it is always close to my birthday. My partner and I got together in September of 2015. We spent some of our weekends

LBrown in Just rando thoughts

January 31

Expressing gratitude and regaining hope

I sat down last night a wrote out thank you cards to the caregivers at each of the hospitals that took care of my partner while he was ill with Covid. I had purchased the cards just a couple of days after his death but every time I sat down to write a note in them I was just overwhelmed and dissolved into a puddle of tears. But last night I was determined that I was going to get it done. The card to the first hospital was easier to write than the second one. They had done a good job in taking

LBrown in Random thoughts

January 25

Lack of empathy

I have a really strange relationship with my daughter. She is 31 years old, married with 3 children. Her husband and I do not care for one another. He hold me responsible for a situation that happened the weekend of their wedding. I have apologized several times and have tried to re-establish a relationship with him for the sake of my grandkids. It was so bad that they denied me visitation to my grandkids because I refused to drop off the left over wedding supplies that they had agreed to come a

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

January 11

Checking the boxes

Have you ever felt like you are just checking the boxes on how everyone wants you to feel? That sheet they hand you when you walk into a behavioral health office. That is how I have been feeling the past couple of days. That I have to put on a face to hide my inner feelings to go out and deal with the world. I’m still struggling going out in the real world. Struggling with keeping my emotions in check. The tears still come easily and unexpectedly. I ask myself, how do I keep doing this? I find m

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

January 8

A New Year alone

Last night was the first New Year’s Eve that I have spent alone in the last 6 years. I felt so lonely and tired. Just exhausted from dealing with this roller coaster ride since he passed.

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

January 2

CatL

First year ramblings

This is still my year of first. And this first Christmas has been hard. Last year was the first time DH wanted an Xmas tree. I remember us going out, finding a lit artificial tree, and a box of ornaments, everything we needed for a tree. Its been hard to decorate for Xmas this year. A part of me feels almost a betrayal to him to decorate without him, to celebrate without him. I'm trying to enjoy the holiday, but its not easy. I know that for Xmas I can't be here in our house. I just can't. I'm e

CatL in First Year

December 12, 2020

Wirefish's grief blog

10 am, 9 Nov 2020

I’m still occasionally vaguely suicidal. It’s not often, it’s not actionable, and I do talk to my therapist about it. I think this means I’m not past the early grief stage yet. That’s ok. I’m not in a rush. The last 5 years have been without any kind of road map, so why should that change? This is the point when I’m grateful that I’m non-theist pagan. I think I’d die of misery if I thought that this whole thing was part of some sadistic higher power’s “great plan” for me and my h

Wirefish1 in Mental health

November 9, 2020

Wirefish's grief blog

8 Nov 2020

I've been wondering just how long I've been living through various types of grief since the cancer diagnosis in Feb 2015. There's the obvious "my partner died" grief that's the newest. There was the end-game grief after he washed out of the trial drugs because the tumor had entered the inferior vena cava and formed a thrombosis. That was partially anticipatory grief, but also loss of the hopes and possibilities for debulking the tumor or surviving 'til CRISPR, There was the initia

Wirefish1 in care-giving

November 9, 2020

Betty Lou

Lost and alone

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed right now. I have no immediate family after losing my brother suddenly last year, and my parents several years before that. I have a niece who lives in another state and she's my closest relative. I vacillate between feeling like I have many things to be thankful for and feeling like I'm the only person on the planet who has no family. And truthfully, I don't know anyone else, personally at least, who has no immediate family. The enormity of it hits me at

Betty Lou

September 7, 2020

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is always something that I have struggled with. I tend to dwell on things to the point of nearly complete immersion. But today I read something and it made me realize that the person I am hurting most by not forgiving others is myself. I allow situations to consume so much of my energy. I allow the negative emotions to eat away at me and really the person I am hurting the most is myself. So today, I am choosing to forgive. Not forget but forgive. I am going to try and let go

September 7, 2020

Today I Choose Happiness

Today is a new day. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. Today is one of those days where I can be happy. I don’t have to work and I can just enjoy the day. Today I am not going to fret and worry over things I cannot change. I am going to give myself some grace and just be me. No matter what happens next........for today I choose happiness.

September 6, 2020

Flawed & Broken

Lately, I have been pondering if I have been so desperate for my life to return to normal that I have created something in my mind and heart that isn’t truly there. I created this perfect little world in my mind but rather than having a solid foundation as I thought it would........it turns out to be severely flawed. I know that invariably due to the flawed nature of the human race as a whole that everything has some flaws. But how many flaws can exists before it all crumbles? Is there re

September 5, 2020

Uncertainty

In a life where nothing is promised or certain, how do you learn to trust anyone or anything again? I am often too trusting and too naive for my own good. I am honest to a fault. I believe in the good in people. I believe they will tell me the truth. So when they don’t I am left with a level of uncertainty that I don’t know how to process or overcome. The truth is a precious thing and when one twists it...........it hurts so badly. Forgiving is a process.......now where to start?

September 5, 2020

Common Sense and Commitment

There are so many days where I feel grief has clouded my judgement. My need to feel acceptance and love trumps my common sense. I know deep down that my course may not be the right one but I keep heading down the path nonetheless. I am sure my therapist and nearly everyone else would tell me I am acting rashly and irrationally. So this begs the question.......why? I feel incomplete on my own. Often I feel like I am empty. I guess I am willing to except a half life built upon half trut

September 5, 2020

This year vs last year

Last year at this time, I was excited to set up my new classroom. Ryan and Cadie helped me hall things in and make it mine. Ryan was so proud of me because I had worked long and hard to get a classroom of my own as opposed to sharing one with another teacher. This year I am facing the start of a year that is nearly impossible. Special education students for the most part are hands on and need support to be successful. How can one do that through distance learning? I am also wi

August 20, 2020

Today is NOT the Day....

Today is not the day where I am going to be dry eyed and smiling. It is not the day where I don’t miss Ryan. It is not the day I have someone to share my grief with. It is not the day for watching TV because concentrating on anything is just too hard. Today is a day for tears. It is a day for loneliness. It is a day for introspection. It is a day for wishing like hell it had been me instead.

August 19, 2020

Don’t Feel Sorry for Me

I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me. I feel sorry enough for myself........anything extra just pushes me over the edge. Why do I feel sorry for myself? Let me count the ways..... I lost my best friend. I lost the one person that kept my world from spinning out of control. I am now a single parent. Which is 10 times harder than having someone to help you. I live in uncertainty daily. I hate the feeling that so much is out of my control. I

August 19, 2020

Good day or bad day?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to return to a life where I actually had good days again. There are some days where the world crashes down around me and I feel like giving up. There are days that seem designed to drive me crazy. Then there are days where I miss Ryan so much that it is physically painful. The question is when will I have a good day again? Next week, next month, next year or possibly never? I have almost given up hope of actually being happy again. There are m

August 19, 2020

What keeps one going?

Even though I feel like giving up more days than not, I keep going day after day. I guess my first thought is my daughter and the need to create a will so that she is taken care of. My next reason is that I met a friend online who is funny, makes me laugh and roll my eyes more than I have in the last 7 months. Lately, aside from spending time with my daughter and niece, these conversations are the only thing that has brought me a small modicum of comfort and perhaps even happines

August 15, 2020

Why Me, Why Today?

Why me is one of the things I ask myself daily. Is there some reason why I have to go through all of this? Losing my husband, my hot water heater dying the same day, my shower door leaking copiously a few days later, a grieving child who lashes out at me because I am the only one near, my lawn mower dying, losing several chickens, & having to put one of our dogs down. So far the last 7 months have been more than challenging. Each day I wake up and ask myself, “What depressing and awful