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I'm starting to understand more how grief has affected me. I'm wondering how many others have experienced similar. A friend came over recently, for dinner and to watch tv. That may not sound like much. But we watch a series that due to Covid has not aired in about two years. That's about the time my husband has been gone. The last season we watched, two years ago, was season 3. This year season 4 has begun. He remembers season 3, I don't. He was telling me about what had happened in season

CatL

CatL in Musings

tonight

Tonight I lay in my bed, surrounding myself with self pity. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Everytime I think of myself as some sad story I hate myself. All I can think is I may have it bad, but there's plenty of people in the world who have had it even worse. Some have it way worse. So I lost my parents, everyone has to eventually. Why does it feel like my life is being ripped away from me? why do I feel so alone? There's people in the world who get past worse, why does this feel never ending?

uhoh

uhoh in losing my parents

I didn't know ...

Connor, Hi buddy, I haven't written in a couple days. I just wanted to see if it made me feel better not to write.  It didn't!  So here I am again.  Today we received a copy of your death certificate.  I don't know why but it just made me feel so empty.  What it said is "accidental overdose due to fentanyl".  I was pretty sure this is what it would say--so why do I feel your loss today like it was just yesterday?  I realized yesterday that I am constantly looking for you when I drive around

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

4 weeks and a million more to go

Connor, Tonight will be 4 weeks since you left us.  It seems like yesterday.  I see your face constantly throughout the day.  Yesterday was bad, it was my birthday and you wern't here.  Last year you helped dad pick out a rose gold heart necklace for me and then left for rehab.  . So yesterday It really got to me that no one is mentioning you to me.  It's like they are afraid I will go all psycho on them if they say your name.  Pretending you never existed is even worse.  I miss you so much

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Trying to be a good sister.

In my introductory blog post (which I cant seem to find!) I mentioned that during my Mom's illness, my eldest sister's behavior was awful and it caused a deep rift between us. We've barely seen or spoken in two years. I love her still, but have had a difficult time with forgiving some of the things she did.  Anyway, she lives alone and now her dog is dying, so I reached out. This will be a really difficult loss for her because she won't have that love and companionship. That dog has gotten

Traz

Traz in General

Anxiety tonight...

Really missing my Mom and Dad so much right now. I've been waking up with anxiety and I think it has to do with the situation in Russia and the Ukraine. This would be something I'd call my Mom about and we'd discuss it at length. My Mom only had a grade 8 education but she was highly intelligent and articulate. She could have done so much more, had she had the opportunity.  Anyway, she would have instilled calm in me about this situation. As a kid, I was deeply affected by that movie The Da

Traz

Traz in General

You are home with us at last

Connor, I have so much to tell you.  I will start with yesterday.  We were in need of cat litter due to your cat that had kittens we go through lots of litter.  Nala went to your fathers secretary's daughter.  Daniel is keeping Serenity and we still had the little tiger striped boy.  So dad goes to warm up the car, and when he comes in the house he smells marijuana.  (he is the only one who hasn't smelled it).  He says Connor is here.  So he goes to dollar general (cheap cat litter) and the

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Birthdays

Connor, Today I was talking to someone who lost their daughter and today is her daughters birthday.  It made me think of your last birthday.  Decembr 15 2021.  I missed it, I had gone to North Carolina because your cousin was found dead and we are his only living family.  I was gone 6 days.  This threw you for a loop.  When I got home you were very angry with me.  We made a special dinner and you picked out an Ice cream cake.  You got your gifts --including your new phone but I could tell I

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Friday 2/18/22

Connor, Oh I miss you so much today.  The minutes seem to drag by slower each day.  I don't know what goal I seek to achieve by making it through another day.  I can't shut my brain off.  I was trying to paint today to keep my mind off you and it just doesn't work.  I could never imagine this depth of pain.  Everyone seems to be able to at least function but me.  I go to the grocery store and I keeping reaching for the things you like.  I no longer need 2 gallons of milk a week.  Who though

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

3 weeks and it hurts like the 1st day

Connor, I like to write here because it does help me in some small way.  It helps me remember the good times and accept the bad.  This is so difficult because no one can even imagine the pain of losing a child.  My brain has accepted that you are gone but my heart can not.  22 years of loving you all gone in an instant--poof.  I talked with your bio mom/Dana the other night.  I know you never understood that she didn't make me feel threatened.  I was secure in my love for you and that I was

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Day 15 at a loss

Connor, I have reread my earlier post at least 5 times.  I have searched my mind for some spark or special memory from that time.  I want to say that I did reread your letters home from Glenn Mills.  They were full of love, hope and gratitude.  There were letters to your little brother that he didn't remember.  He had forgotten you liked and even loved him.  I know you were in there and cared.  The shadow of all the pain just hung over us.  I think this is why people judge mental health and

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Day 15

Connor, Hey buddy!  Today is day 15 since you left us.  Yes I am counting it by days.  I am going to continue your story now and this will be some of the really bad stuff.  I have been thinking about this for days.  I do think I had blocked some of this out.   You started 7th grade and it was so exciting.  During this time you excelled at school and remained in advanced classes, wrestled, played basketball and foot ball.  During 9th grade you starting using marijuana and no matter what

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

2 weeks 2/10/22

Connor, I'm still not ready to work on your story.  I'm still processing everything that is going on.  Tonight we went to Matt's 18th birthday.  I made it through and did not cry.  It was nice.  Monday I powered through work.  Tuesday I left at 3 and Wed I walked out at 1pm.  I left my lunch and coffee on my desk, computer on and ran out the door.  I went to the peninsula and watched the ice fishermen for hours.  I then went and found your dad.  He drove while I cried and screamed.  Then he

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Silence Day 11 2/6/22

Connor, I will get back to your live story but today I just can't do it.  Friday we put your picture show together and Saturday 2/5/22 was your service.  There were so many people there it was amazing.  We held it together and Snoop was the comic relief.  The morman missionaries were there along with some of the people from the church. Luke your boss had Covid so he couldn't come or speak.  Pastor Jeanne from the Luthern Church  spoke and it was so touching.  I spoke and im sure you heard e

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Day 8 Feb 3 2022

I don't know that anyone will ever read this but me. You may not want to read it because I am pretty blunt about drug addiction and some of the details of my son's death.  If you do read this, maybe it will somehow help another family from suffering and going through what we have gone through.   I need to work out all the thoughts, fears, regrets, love and yes anger that are now part of my every waking moment.  We always knew this could happen but when it did we were totally unprepared.  Connor

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Loneliness

The loneliness is a form of hell. When you spend every waking you can with someone & they're are part of your daily routine you just feel lost and alone after they pass. There is really nothing inside me but emptiness. I see no hope. I feel so alone. I wish I could get some symbol or sign that he is watching over me. It seemed like I was a lot when he first passed.

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in My soulmate

The holidays...

No one could ever prepare you for your first holiday without your loved ones. This year is expecially hard because I lost my grandfather and my fiance on the same day. I'm trying to grieve one loved one at a time and I'm taking my fiance passing the hardest at this point because it is Christmas. I spent a beautiful Christmas Eve with his family they showered me with very sentimental gifts and it was very emotional. I know we lit off biodegradable lights for him yesterday and he gave us so many s

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in Losing two loved ones on the same day

Books & Journals

Today, I went to the bookstore, and it actually gave me a glimmer of hope finding hundreds of books that try to help you through grief, books about signs and symbols and just things to help you take it day by day. I got myself a planner so I can start planning what I'm going to do with my life and get back to working full-time. This is the first holiday season without my loved ones that past. My fiance and my grandfather. My fiance and I had lots of plans for the holiday season. I'm hoping that

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in Losing two loved ones on the same day

Night time..

Nighttime seems to be the worst for me. We would spend a lot of time together in the evening because he worked hard all day long and I was able to work from home. We made the most out of every minute we could spend together. So, I feel especially alone at night. His Cemetery where he rests is less than 5 minutes from my house so I spend a lot of time there but I know he wouldn't want me there late at night so when I come home I just feel empty. I have thousands of videos, pictures, letters, card

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in My soulmate

It Feels Like My Ex’s Friends Screwed Me

Very frustrated and betrayed but do not want to believe the worst. But it has been a year since my ex’s suicide and his friends wanted to get the house cleaned professionally right afterwards so they could go to the house and pack everything and sell things and salvage stuff. Nothing had anything to do with me but I had to be the one to make a claim through the house, since he and I were the ones who owned it and therefore had the insurance to make a claim. I said I would, but I could not take c

Mianko471

Mianko471 in Ex Files

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