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Baby's Heart

Madness of Abuse and Death, The: Part 2

My Father died of heart failure; a violent seizing of the heart. But it was the madness that brought him to that end. I was unaware when he died; but when I found out, I plummeted into what seemed like a whole different world; a nightmare of unreality. Suddenly, Life became Death to me; with an all-consuming hunger not yet satisfied to return to Life again. I wonder now if that is what madness was like to him, this unreality. To a man who loves his family; seeing it disintegrate into Us vs. Them
TLN

TLN in Honoring the Dead

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Pennywyze

Question???

Question: Did any of you guys have the news of losing your loved one hit you so hard that your physical being was affected? What I mean: I'll explain what happened to me so you can understand completely. Not because you are not intelligent enough to grasp it, but because of me.  I got the news on 04/09/19, the same day as the accident. It happened around 1:30AM, and around 12 hours later, I was informed. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to fall apart at the seams, and
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Do you know what I mean?

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Clever Pennywyze

I'd Rather Share Here

I would rather share here because this is where I know I can share my stories about Jeremy, and I know I won't hear, "Aw, you just need to get over it". Let me tell y'all, I have heard that mess from the first week after the accident that took my soulmate from this world, and that's the most annoying, cruel, hateful thing anyone could ever say to someone grieving. Especially, if the other person hasn't ever lost someone they spent the majority of their life with. I just want to tell those annoyi
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43

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Clever Pennywyze

I'd Rather Share Here

I would rather share here because this is where I know I can share my stories about Jeremy, and I know I won't hear, "Aw, you just need to get over it". Let me tell y'all, I have heard that mess from the first week after the accident that took my soulmate from this world, and that's the most annoying, cruel, hateful thing anyone could ever say to someone grieving. Especially, if the other person hasn't ever lost someone they spent the majority of their life with. I just want to tell those annoyi
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Rather Share Here

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Baby's Heart

Madness of Abuse and Death, The

My Father plunged into madness when I was molested as a child. One facet of that plunge was the fact that everyone else in my family acted (and still do) as though the sexual abuse was "no big deal". They failed to understand the gravity of what had been done to me; and he spent his life since that day trying to make them understand the damage done to me, to the family, and to himself. To this day, not one of them will acknowledge the atrocity; not one of them understands--no, not one. It is not
TLN

TLN in Honoring the Dead

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BrilliantPennywyze42

04/15/2021

I have had an excellent day. I forced myself to grab ahold of some patience, and figure out my internet connection. When I received the equipment, I came to realize that the internet cable that is run through a hole in the apartment wall for cable and internet service to be activated, did not have service. However, at that point, I was already upset. That, was Monday. Today, I finally went back into the living room, and contacted Xfinity's customer service. In the process of this chat, I acciden
BrilliantPennywyze42

BrilliantPennywyze42 in BrilliantPennywyze

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Clever Pennywyze

The Vaccine

It has come to my attention that, the shot protects us from dying, but not from getting sick. Okay, I can deal with that. I mean, at least it will help preserve mankind for a while longer. I am blessed due to the fact that I have O- blood; but my girl, Autumn has bronchial asthma, and my one and only sibling has COPD (first stage). Besides, I really don't want to get sick. I've been the type of person who gets chronic bronchitis and upper respiratory infections on the regular since I was little.
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Observing and Questioning

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Clever Pennywyze

I'm not sure

I've been all over the website here at grieving.com tryna find members. No such luck. If someone could/would, pretty please explain to me how I find a member, I will be forever grateful.   -Pennywyze
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in BrilliantPennywyze

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BrilliantPennywyze43

Thanks

@Gail8588 @foreverhis @widower2 @KayC I just wanted to take a moment to thank each of you for your story and laughs. I was attempting to make individual thank yous, but ran into an issue, I'm still trying to figure out. So, I decided to make a post and thank y'all at the same time.
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Thanks Y'all

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BrilliantPennywyze42

Still crying

I never realized how much I would miss Wayne, until today. I've had a very emotional day today. I've posted on here more times today than I have since I found this website. I didn't cry one tear for Jeremy on the ninth. Not because I don't love him. Not because of anything someone said. I didn't cry for my husband because I kept myself submersed in my writing.    I love you Wayne. I'll try not to make the next post so much about Jeremy. Today has just been exhausting and emotional and
BrilliantPennywyze42

BrilliantPennywyze42 in BrilliantPennywyze

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Clever Pennywyze

04/12/2021

I get my COVID-19 vaccine tomorrow @ 1:00PM I've been having an excellent day, today. I'm writing the character outline for my second series books, and because I have ADHD, I am capable of writing and working on other issues at the same time. I have been doing this a lot lately because I needed to analyze everything between Steve and I, and what we do or don't have as far as a relationship is concerned.  This is what I have come to understand about Steve, he's a 57 year old man who's c
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Steve is good

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Clever Pennywyze

Yesterday Wasn't That Bad

With yesterday having marked 2 years since Jeremy died, it wasn't that bad. I kept myself busy working on my novels, and by the time I realized that it was April 9, it was already 12 almost 1 in the afternoon. No tears were dropped.  Steve and I are doing better. He was really great, yesterday. He knew what day it was, and he did his best to help keep my busy. I know I have made it seem like Steve is some kind of radical jerk, but y'all have to realize that I was in relationship with someon
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in 2 Years

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Clever Pennywyze

2 Years, Today

Well, here we are at the 2 year mark of Jeremy's death, and I don't feel well. Not emotionally, but physically. It's not COVID-19 because the way I'm feeling, the symptoms don't match up with the ones for the virus. I feel run down, beat up, and like someone kicked me all over my body while I slept last night.
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Pennywyze

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Clever Pennywyze

Jeremy Pt. 2

After the accident in 2017 where Jeremy hit a baby hog (wild) tore up the front end of our KIA, I was a gnarly mess of anxiety like nobody's business. Every time we would leave Rockport, my feet were in my floorboard slamming brakes I didn't have. (BTW, the KIA was just barely over 1 year old at this point.)  In August 2018, 1 week before my 40th birthday, he fell asleep behind the wheel, of the KIA went off HWY69 @ Victoria, Texas exit, and the subcompact car hit a dip in the road. The car
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Jeremy Atwell

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Clever Pennywyze

Jeremy Pt. 1

PART 1   This is the first part of the story, which leads up to Jeremy's death.   October 31, 2017   Jeremy left for work in our KIA FORTÈ 5, that morning around 4:30-5:00am. We were living in Rockport, which is by Corpus Christi in South Texas. He did not come in from work at the regular time, but he came in about 2 almost 3 hours late. When he stepped inside our trailer, he looked hagrid, (I was kinda familiar with the look because it was the same as when he wreck
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Jeremy Atwell

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Baby's Heart

Pressing On to Joy: Part 2

So how is Joy achieved? Where is it found? In thinking on this, the question arose in my mind of how Joy was stolen from me in the first place. What brought on the darkness and keeps it at the forefront of my mind? The death of my Father, of course; but there is something else: the dishonoring of his good name that goes on in my family even now. Because of this hatred, however unjust; they do not even find it in their hearts to let a dead man rest in peace. They remain calloused, showing no pity
TLN

TLN in Reprieve

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Baby's Heart

Pressing On to Joy

What is Joy? What does it do for the heart? The soul? The mind? Does having Joy give one strength? These are all questions that passed through my mind as I was Spring cleaning the master bedroom yesterday. Nothing major. Cleaning. Decluttering. Reorganizing. Now, I am no expert; but I know a little. Command position? Check. Head North? Check. Not exactly Feng Shui, but better. Breezier. More liveable. Still, not free; not that freedom from darkness where I can finally exhale and breathe… and tha
TLN

TLN in Reprieve

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Clever Pennywyze

The Worst Week

This. Is. The. Worst. Week. The first of April indicates to me that I have 8 days until the next year mark. I'm never going to consider the 9th of April to be the "anniversary" of my husband's death. I'll always have a major issue with this subject because I've been convinced since I heard the details of the accident (2 weeks later): the woman who was driving, the reason our Acura rolled off the highway, she knew she would not make it through the wreck, she also deducted that Jeremy would be par
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Jeremy Atwell

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CatL

That time of year

Well its that time of year. It was almost a year ago that DH passed away. The anniversary of his fall, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. In a few days is our wedding anniversary. Then 8 days later will be one year since he died. I've been dreaming more about him. At least these are not nightmares like some have been. These are more pleasant, more relaxing, more forgiving, and more loving. I'm not sure if its an okay to move on, or what, but I feel better in some ways than I did before. But
CatL

CatL in Musings

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Baby's Heart

Haunting Silence, A

Since my Father died, I cannot stand the quiet. It sounds too much like Death. Today is no different. I have not a thought in my mind; yet, my spirit within me is screaming for rest. I do not know how to describe this profound quiet I hear; 'tis the sound of God vanishing. To be perfectly honest; 'tis the sound of no God at all. This was not always so with me; I used to have Joy in God, as though He were right beside me walking through life. Now? Nothing. Gone. Dead. Where has He gone? Is the gr
TLN

TLN in God

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Pennywyze

It Seems Unreal

It seems unreal, from time to time, the fact that I lost so many loved ones in such rapid succession. Sometimes I want to pinch myself and wake up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. I think, sometimes that if I could just rewind time to February 6, 2019, and I could then pause time everyone I love would still be here. I know that it's not possible for these ideas to ever happen, but a girl can dream.
Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Dealing with Life

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