Journals

04/12/2021

I get my COVID-19 vaccine tomorrow @ 1:00PM I've been having an excellent day, today. I'm writing the character outline for my second series books, and because I have ADHD, I am capable of writing and working on other issues at the same time. I have been doing this a lot lately because I needed to analyze everything between Steve and I, and what we do or don't have as far as a relationship is concerned. This is what I have come to understand about Steve, he's a 57 year old man who's c

Pennywyze43 in Steve is good

April 13, 2021

Yesterday Wasn't That Bad

With yesterday having marked 2 years since Jeremy died, it wasn't that bad. I kept myself busy working on my novels, and by the time I realized that it was April 9, it was already 12 almost 1 in the afternoon. No tears were dropped. Steve and I are doing better. He was really great, yesterday. He knew what day it was, and he did his best to help keep my busy. I know I have made it seem like Steve is some kind of radical jerk, but y'all have to realize that I was in relationship with someon

Pennywyze43 in 2 Years

April 10, 2021

2 Years, Today

Well, here we are at the 2 year mark of Jeremy's death, and I don't feel well. Not emotionally, but physically. It's not COVID-19 because the way I'm feeling, the symptoms don't match up with the ones for the virus. I feel run down, beat up, and like someone kicked me all over my body while I slept last night.

Pennywyze43 in Pennywyze

April 9, 2021

Jeremy Pt. 2

After the accident in 2017 where Jeremy hit a baby hog (wild) tore up the front end of our KIA, I was a gnarly mess of anxiety like nobody's business. Every time we would leave Rockport, my feet were in my floorboard slamming brakes I didn't have. (BTW, the KIA was just barely over 1 year old at this point.) In August 2018, 1 week before my 40th birthday, he fell asleep behind the wheel, of the KIA went off HWY69 @ Victoria, Texas exit, and the subcompact car hit a dip in the road. The car

Pennywyze43 in Jeremy Atwell

April 8, 2021

Jeremy Pt. 1

PART 1 This is the first part of the story, which leads up to Jeremy's death. October 31, 2017 Jeremy left for work in our KIA FORTÈ 5, that morning around 4:30-5:00am. We were living in Rockport, which is by Corpus Christi in South Texas. He did not come in from work at the regular time, but he came in about 2 almost 3 hours late. When he stepped inside our trailer, he looked hagrid, (I was kinda familiar with the look because it was the same as when he wreck

Pennywyze43 in Jeremy Atwell

April 5, 2021

BrilliantPennywyze43

Day One - 04/07/2019

Starting tomorrow I will be posting Jeremy's story.

Pennywyze43 in Jeremy Atwell

April 4, 2021

Pressing On to Joy: Part 2

So how is Joy achieved? Where is it found? In thinking on this, the question arose in my mind of how Joy was stolen from me in the first place. What brought on the darkness and keeps it at the forefront of my mind? The death of my Father, of course; but there is something else: the dishonoring of his good name that goes on in my family even now. Because of this hatred, however unjust; they do not even find it in their hearts to let a dead man rest in peace. They remain calloused, showing no pity

TLN in Reprieve

April 2, 2021

Pressing On to Joy

What is Joy? What does it do for the heart? The soul? The mind? Does having Joy give one strength? These are all questions that passed through my mind as I was Spring cleaning the master bedroom yesterday. Nothing major. Cleaning. Decluttering. Reorganizing. Now, I am no expert; but I know a little. Command position? Check. Head North? Check. Not exactly Feng Shui, but better. Breezier. More liveable. Still, not free; not that freedom from darkness where I can finally exhale and breathe… and tha

TLN in Reprieve

April 2, 2021

The Worst Week

This. Is. The. Worst. Week. The first of April indicates to me that I have 8 days until the next year mark. I'm never going to consider the 9th of April to be the "anniversary" of my husband's death. I'll always have a major issue with this subject because I've been convinced since I heard the details of the accident (2 weeks later): the woman who was driving, the reason our Acura rolled off the highway, she knew she would not make it through the wreck, she also deducted that Jeremy would be par

Pennywyze43 in Jeremy Atwell

April 2, 2021

CatL

That time of year

Well its that time of year. It was almost a year ago that DH passed away. The anniversary of his fall, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. In a few days is our wedding anniversary. Then 8 days later will be one year since he died. I've been dreaming more about him. At least these are not nightmares like some have been. These are more pleasant, more relaxing, more forgiving, and more loving. I'm not sure if its an okay to move on, or what, but I feel better in some ways than I did before. But

CatL in Musings

April 1, 2021

Haunting Silence, A

Since my Father died, I cannot stand the quiet. It sounds too much like Death. Today is no different. I have not a thought in my mind; yet, my spirit within me is screaming for rest. I do not know how to describe this profound quiet I hear; 'tis the sound of God vanishing. To be perfectly honest; 'tis the sound of no God at all. This was not always so with me; I used to have Joy in God, as though He were right beside me walking through life. Now? Nothing. Gone. Dead. Where has He gone? Is the gr

TLN in God

March 28, 2021

It Seems Unreal

It seems unreal, from time to time, the fact that I lost so many loved ones in such rapid succession. Sometimes I want to pinch myself and wake up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. I think, sometimes that if I could just rewind time to February 6, 2019, and I could then pause time everyone I love would still be here. I know that it's not possible for these ideas to ever happen, but a girl can dream.

Pennywyze43 in Dealing with Life

March 26, 2021

Just Sharing

The worst day of my life is when I lost my dad, Al. The second worst day of my life was when I lost my husband, Jeremy. My father and my husband passed away 2 months and 2 days apart; Daddy's Angel Date 02/07/2019; Jeremy's Angel Date 04/09/2019, and I felt, for a while, like I had completely forgotten about dad. However, one day from out of nowhere, I heard my dad say, "You haven't forgotten to grieve me. I stepped back when you lost your husband. You will eventually be able to pro

Pennywyze43 in Getting to know me

March 25, 2021

Over the Last 2 Years

Over the last 2 years, I have been aiming to be, striving to achieve, aspiring to become a woman who over the next 20 years, will just barely remember this time and the hurt that I have been since February 2019. I'm not talking about running off. What I am talking about is this: the day my husband died, a gigantic part of me died, too. What I'm doing is absolutely hypothetical and symbolic, but in this way I have to say, 'The person I was then, no longer exists. I buried her the day I told you g

Pennywyze43 in 03/24/21

March 24, 2021

Good Man, A

There are times when I want to say, No, Father is not dead; he's simply gone on a long journey--but he's coming back. There are times when I cry and think surely Father will hear and come; that he will rise at the sound of his Baby's wailing, hold me to his heart and all would be well again. This thought comforts me for a time; the thought of him holding me high like when I was a baby; his eyes beaming up at me, his precious little daughter. But that is just a dream, like having an imaginary Fri

TLN in Honoring the Dead

March 24, 2021

03/23/2021

Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. I responded to a post on a women only site that requested we give love advice we should all live by and this is what my answer was: Always Be Honest and Your Loyalty Will Never Come Into Question I'm aimlessly ramblin'. I have adult ADHD and get bored pretty quickly so I will just start talking to hear myself talk.

Pennywyze43 in 03/23/21

March 24, 2021

Can't find anyone

There are a couple of people who have reached to some of my content, but I can't find anyone to send friend requests to. @KayC @Sparky1 Will you please let me know how to find you both, and could 1 (or both) of you please tell me how to find others? I would greatly appreciate it. - Clever Pennywyze

Pennywyze43 in Finding Friends Here

March 22, 2021

Tools for Sharpening

There are things I have learned in this life since my Father died; things that help me claw myself out of Grief--this grief which feels like a dark presence in my soul. Writing is one of those things. My Father used to tell me, Keep thinking. Keep thinking and you will figure it out. Good words from a father who loved his daughter. One thing I recently learned helps me is mathematics. I was never any good at math in school; but I find now in this spirit-killing Grief that working out even simple

TLN in Tools

March 20, 2021

Loneliness of Grief, The

There is a loneliness that comes with grief; a now hollow and jagged heart that comes from being ripped in half. I call it the Death-Star-Heart. No joy. No hope. Just loneliness. There is a song lyric from decades ago that fits my heart since my Father died: Talkin' to myself and feelin' low. I feel it every day. There seems to be no moving past it. No comfort. My Father would say to stay close to God; but I do not feel His presence the way I did before MAYDAY, the day my Father died (May 2, 20

TLN in Loneliness

March 17, 2021

I Called Him Father

Most people I know call their fathers "Dad". I always called mine Father, with a capital F. Why? I think because of the way he carried himself in life. "Dad" did not seem to fit him; it sounded too playful, like "Daddy". He was not one to play; but neither do I mean he was cold. Father was a joy to me, just to talk to. And talk we did, indeed. Since his death three years ago this May 2nd, I learned that those who have been the coldest toward me in my grief; those who disliked my Father and

TLN in Jealousy, Understanding

March 12, 2021