Loss of parents

My heart breaks for you and I am so sorry for the loss of your precious mom.

I was closest to my dad, but I processed his death better than my mom's. My mom and I had a turbulent relationship until I got married and had kids. She mellowed and so did I. I think the death of your mom is especially hard because even if you were very different people, (like me & my mom) she always had your back. You could always go to her with any problem. 

I really understand about the phone too. My mom lived alone in an apartment, so I made sure to call her sometimes twice a day - in the morning, or after dinner when the dishes were done. We could talk and talk. In the later years, I did a lot of listening. She yearned for my dad and my brother who passed years ago.

I understand so well, the feeling of not knowing who you are now. The remaining anchor in your life has gone and everything is just completely upside down. There's no balance and or that sense of stability. People often say they feel like adult orphans.

It's coming up on four years for me and while I'm not in an acute stage of grief 24/7 anymore, I still have really difficult days. My two siblings handled it better than I have. 

It sounds so cringe to say "It takes time" but there is some truth to that. It does take time for we humans to process and grieve our losses. It's an unfortunate part of the human condition and a universal thing. 

I have a very similar picture that you do, with me holding my mom's hand during her last days. I'm glad I have it.

Please know you're not alone in your deep sorrow. We are all here on this forum for the same reason. May you find comfort and strength here.