This time of year reminds me of her, of home.

The warm glow of the sun, the changing colours of the leaves, the cooling evening weather.  September is the time of starting school, of transitions, of holidays to come; Thanksigving, Halloween, so much of her.  The fall for me is coming home for roast turkey, pie and all the fixings.  It is about lounging on the couch after a big meal usually prepared by her.   It is about family and togetherness.  It is the feeling of being warm, cared for, loved and I miss that feeling.  I miss her.

But also last year this time, we still had her.  I think of her learning about the diagnosis, of the cancer, planning our last dinner as a family, going to the emergency department, being admitted to the hospital and never coming home again.  It is the days and weeks of trips back and forth to the hospital, caring for her, adjusting expectations of the time left, hoping for more, nights of raw pain, grief and anguish, losing her in bits everyday, loving her until I couldn't again more as we said our final goodbye.

This time of year is so hard.

I miss you mom.