Grief is a strange bird
Entry posted by CatL in ramblings
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I've been doing my best to move on, make a life after losing my spouse. I even tried dating. After about 6 months of seeing someone I got dumped, and it feels like losing my spouse all over again. In some ways I'm thankful for seeing him. He helped me know that I can love again. And what's hard is that I was growing to love him, but I didn't tell him. I was too afraid to. I should have, but I didn't. So he doesn't even know.
I got dumped about 5 days ago now, and I've cried everyday since. Sometimes for a short time, sometimes for longer. I feel like I didn't learn lessons I should have when I lost my spouse. I fell into old habits, but I also held myself back from saying and doing those things I should have. It isn't just not telling him how I felt, all I could say was that I cared and that I really really liked him. The truth was I was learning to love him. I wanted to do more things with him, but I didn't, and I didn't let him know those things either.
Why was I so stupid? Why am I so stupid?
When my husband was alive we didn't talk about if or how much we loved or cared for each other. Looking back that was real stupid of us. At the end of our 20+ years together, and before he passed, he knew he was loved, but it wasn't something we said often. How much can you regret how you've been, how you are, and the stupid things you do?
Bill knew he was loved and that knowledge was good enough for him. But other people need more than that. Even I need/ed more than that. My husband rarely told me he cared, wasn't very affectionate, wasn't very tender. He didn't compliment me, rarely made me feel good about myself. His idea of loving someone was to give them space, leave them alone. It could make for a cold, lonely marriage. But at the time we were both busy with other things, jobs, etc and so it was okay. It worked, maybe not great but it did. And at the time I didn't question it. We had what others thought of as a good marriage. I believed that too.
I do admit only after he passed, actually less than a year ago, I began to question the truth of that. I was going thru his phone and found "information" that made me question if and how much he really loved me. I know that sounds awful to say, its awful to feel. I certainly wasn't the love of his life. I wasn't the one he turned to really. It appeared that role, that intimacy, trust, confidence went to his ex wife. Not an ego boost I will tell you.
Am I still grieving the loss of my husband? Yes. But maybe I'm grieving more than just the loss. Maybe its also the realization that what I thought I had with him, I didn't really have. That somehow being what worked with him isn't doing me much good. Being strong, appearing strong may be more of a weakness for my life now.
And I'm grieving the loss of someone I seem to have lost thru my own stupidity, actions, and lack of actions - the guy I was seeing. And yes, I've thought about is it just having a warm body around. And I know the answer is no. Other friends can't feel the new hole. And now I have two holes to do deal - my spouse, and the guy I was dating. I miss him more than he knows. And that's my own fault.
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