In an instant, everything changed.
Entry posted by Kaitlyn1992 in I lost myself
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!WARNING! This may be a sensitive or triggering subject for some......
I used to be like any other child out there. I viewed the world as a happy place where the good always outweighed the bad. I was an athlete, got decent grades with little to no effort, had lots of friends, and a family that loved me. I believed in trust; I believed people genuinely cared about and respected each other. But then......in one night...I was shown just how wrong I was....
AGAIN, THIS CAN BE SNESITIVE OR TRIGGERING TO SOME.......certain subjects can be tough to talk about...but I think healing is a little easier when you know you're not alone....
At 16, you could say I was a little rebellious. Worse than some, but better than others I knew. Curfew seemed to be more of a suggestion rather than a rule, and I rarely ever came home completely sober. Like most teens, (I always seen it kind of like a "rite of passage") I liked to drink...well get drunk, none of us knew how to "drink" sensibly, we drank as much of the cheapest beer or liquor we could get ahold of as fast as we could and get as drunk as we could before we started puking. (If anyone younger may be reading this.... drinking like that is NOT a fun time). By this age I had already endured three knee surgeries (13, 14 & 15 years old) so unlike a lot of people who were my age (way back in the day) I had taken pain pills before, and like most, it started with honest intentions, but aside from taking the pain away after surgery I enjoyed the way they made me feel. By no means do I believe I was “addicted” to them, but I wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to do them if it presented itself. (15 years ago, drinking, and smoking weed was about the “worst” kids done…. Stuff in the faces of kids today makes what we done seem like child’s play)……..ANYWAY, per usual, like every other time we went to a party, I drank way to much, got way to drunk and “took a nap” as we would say. We didn’t go to huge parties, and the people we partied with were classmates or people we knew from the two other county schools, (Rural community, 20/30 min max from one end of the county to the other) so we all knew each other. We had a blast! Hung out, talked **** to each other about the county rivalry that NEVER was forgotten, turned the music up way to loud, danced, done dumb ****, and made memories some of us still laugh about 15 years down the road.
It was what you heard people talk about…the “best 4 years of your life”. Time to have fun, make memories and enjoy being “young and dumb” as some would say…and thats exactly what I was doing, that’s exactly what we all were doing, at least that’s what I remembered us doing….and the next thing I remembered was hearing the CD skipping, (yes we played CD’s) but no one was changing it, they just continued to let it skip. In the background I could hear what sounded like someone banging on the door and yelling something but for some reason I could only focus on the sound of that stupid CD skipping, I slowly started open my eyes (I didn’t want my world to start spinning) and looked in the direction I thought the music was coming from, and I seen a glimpse of the big silver “boom box” not far from my feet so I tried to kick it, but I couldn’t……in that moment, in what felt like a split second, the reality of what was happening hit me like a ton of bricks, sobered me up but at the same time took my breath away. Sounds became clear, my world wasn’t spinning, I didn’t feel drunk anymore…...but for a moment paralyzed by the emotions that washed over my entire body. I looked down again, not for the boom box, but to see all my clothes had been taken off. As I raise my head, I cross my arms over my bare chest and say “stop” once again….and then I see him. (Person A) I say stop again, only for him to speed up. The faint sounds of “someone banging on the door and yelling” became clear…. His buddy, another classmate (person 
WAS banging on the door yelling “DUDE STOP, OPEN THE FUCKIN DOOR” “STOP”, because person A had locked the door when he came in. It’s like he was in his own world, like no one else even existed, like he didn’t hear his buddy yelling or me telling him to stop, until he done, and the moment he opened his eyes and looked down, time stood still for a moment our eyes locked, and then I quietly said, “get off me”, and he did. I covered myself as best I could as I gathered my clothes and got dressed and quickly as I could, and then punched the boom box and shattered it, FINALLY silencing the sound of that fucking CD skipping. “A” unlocked the door and “B” immediately pushed it open, stopped in his tracks as he looked at me with silent tears rolling down my face. He knew what had happened, but we all stayed silent. I walked through the party toward the door feeling humiliated, disgusting, worthless, but mostly enraged…even then, I stayed silent.
When I got home, “A’ walked me to the door, (yeah you caught that, I actually came to the party with “A” and some other classmates) and my mom thanked him for getting me home safe, and you guessed it, I stayed silent. “A” left, and I walked past my mom to go to my room. As I did, she said “you’re drunk, you smell like sex, and you’re 20min past curfew.” Being young and dumb I responded with “sex don’t’ have a smell,” (as you get older you realize it does) and walked to my room. My mom was pissed, and the yelling continued as I made my way to my room, but I didn’t say a word. Once she had finally stopped, I laid down, and let tears roll down my cheeks until I fell asleep, but I never said a word.
“A” never said he was sorry, never said he was wrong, as a matter of fact never even mentioned that night at all. I would pass him in the hallway at school and it was if nothing ever happened. Just like he didn’t say sorry and seemed to ignore the fact it even happened, I never said anything to anyone about the events that took place that night until the last couple years, but that didn’t mean damage wasn’t done. It was like a switch flipped inside of me and nothing was the same. They were right when they said “pain changes people.”
This “moment” in my life really has nothing to do with grief, at least not directly, but if you continue to read my blog, it may help you understand why grief has impacted my life the way it has. I hope by sharing and being honest about many different aspects of my life, things I have been through and mistakes I have made it can help you or someone else in one way other another and let you know you are not alone.
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