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Getting things off my chest..



I'm really missing my mom tonight and writing is the only thing I can do sometimes to cope. 

My middle sister sent me a text with a photo of our grandmother's chili sauce recipe tonight. Our mom had written it out for my sister and I copied it down to add to my recipe box. I felt comforted, but at the same time sad, as I took in the beauty of her handwriting. Penmanship really is a lost art these days it seems. I remember as a teenager trying to copy her signature on a note for school and it didn't work! I could never replicate that lovely, lilting script. I would have ended up in the principal's office, lol.

The three year anniversary is approaching too and I still feel very raw. Like only the very surface of my grief has been scratched. I'm depressed and feeling like everything shifted toward a really crappy direction after her death. 

My oldest sister, whom I spoke of previously, still behaves so selfishly that I find it hard to even talk to her. She ditched our middle sister's retirement celebration in July to go to a pool party at a friend's place. Never mind that we were all there for her when she retired from teaching. Her retirement of course, was over the top with a limousine etc... My middle sister was very upset and extremely hurt. I don't blame her.

Then I'm brought back to how she behaved during our mom's illness and after she died. Trying to boss everyone around, take control but do none of the actual hard work of caring for our mom's needs. I feel upset that she 'took' my grief away from me. That's how it felt. I was so upset with her I couldn't even cry for my own mother until almost a year later. 

She damaged our relationship and we used to be so close. But she has trouble with relationships and has had her entire life. She blames everyone else. Doesn't like people because "they hurt you" and likes animals better. I mean, yeah people can be horrible but there are still good people in the world. I remember doing all of this stuff for her when she got married, I was the maid of honour. Never made it into her speech though. She thanked her friend who came for 'always being there for her.' The same friend she ran to when I was trying to take care of our mom at my house. I could have really used her support and help but she couldnt because her friend needed her she explained. I was really shown the depths of her self-centredness and it was profoundly life-changing for me. I still love her though, she is my sister. 

I wonder what my mom would say about it? I miss her so much, it's hard to put into words how deeply and completely I feel her absence. We had a complex relationship and her trauma affected her parenting, but I loved her. I still love her. I will always love her. 

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