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Grief returns

Its been just over two years since my husband passed away. I thought i was doing okay. I've been trying out dating websites, not that I would say I have a great deal of success, but at least I've been trying. And then my housekeeper/assistant gave me notice. What does that have to do with grief. She had been my companion, the person that has been there since he passed. And tomorrow is her last day. It made me realize that though I felt alone losing my husband, now I know how alone

CatL

CatL in musings

Letters to a Soulmate #7

Dear Aidan, We both talked about how our parents would say that their childhood’s were worse than ours and that we would never know what they went through so we should stop complaining. They were somewhat right; we did not know what they went through, though they did not know what we went through either, perhaps they did not bother to ask or they were too busy. I feel as though parents do not understand that there is no competition on how worse our life is and we will never know how hard their

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of Soulmate

954 Days

Today I randomly typed into Google: "How long has it been since September 2nd, 2019?" And it gave it to me in years, months, days and seconds. I don't know why, but the days struck me the most: 954. That's how long my mom has been missing from my life. Yet it doesn't seem like such a vast number. Wasn't it only yesterday we spoke? A month or two since our last coffee run? Today was punctuated by random moments of pure grief in the form of pansies fluttering in the wind, the mud-of

Traz

Traz in General

Letters to a Soulmate #5

Dear Aidan, I have been obsessed with butterflies since you left. I was quite fond of them before but I have learned that different colors of butterflies mean different things like brown symbolizes evil and orange symbolizes happiness. In some of my letters, mostly my personal, I call you mon papillon bleu which means my blue butterfly. I not only call you that due to it being your favorite color but it is also because blue butterflies are considered a message from loved ones when we are feeli

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Soulmate

Happy Birthday to Me...

Today is my birthday and earlier on I prayed for two things - one, for the war in Ukraine to be over soon and two, that I'd receive a sign from my Mom today. Neither came true. And my husband and I had a stupid argument to top it all off and it just made for a crappy birthday. I'm 56 today and I feel like my life is over. My parents and brother are gone. My sister and I who were once so close, are like strangers now. Everything changed when our Mom died. Our family unit splintered and is fo

Traz

Traz in General

Letters to a Soulmate #5

Dear Aidan, I have realized that me and my mother now have basically nothing in common anymore. She is a social, outgoing person that likes to go bowling, to the arcade, or zip lining and she likes to try new things. Then there is me, an anti social, quiet person that likes museums, aquariums, zoos and I do not like to try new things. I love Europe, their history, their food, their clothes, and mom loves Texas, their food, the people, and their attitude. Though I am more on the proper side

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of Soulmate

Letters to a Soulmate #4

Dear Aidan, I have been given an assignment in English to write about a loss. I am not good at English or at forming words together in general except for when I write letters. Even so, I think this is a topic that I will finally get an A+ in, even if I don't want it. It doesn't feel right to write about a loss that I have had just so that I can get a good grade. It also makes me feel exposed, like I am just about to re-open up all the cuts that I have ever had. It just upsets me but yet I a

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of Soulmate

The Little Things.

It's really bizarre how memories are triggered by the most benign things. Especially when it comes to loss and grief.  The memories of my Mom are triggered by, well most everything, but lately it's when I go into the stores that I took her to. The other day it was a can of Primo Minestrone soup. (I know, right?)  Mom's favourite soup was this particular one and I can't describe the hours we spent driving to different stores for this damn soup! Or her favourite jam, Fieldberry. Both pro

Traz

Traz in General

Letters to a Soulmate #3

Dear Aidan, I love you. Those were the three consistent words that you would tell me. Whenever you would say them your voice would sound as though a soft, serious tone, yet your face would have a mixed expression of pure happiness and a hint of sadness. I love you is something that everyone grew up with yet I wonder how many people actually know what it means; how it feels. Whenever I saw you say those words I felt a bit of envy because I could tell that you knew what they meant. Yet, I have r

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Soulmate

Letters to a Soulmate #2

Dear Aidan, Lately, I’ve been taking astronomy classes, and sometimes they have us answer personal questions that pertain to class. There were three questions that really had me thinking; They were, what’s your favorite season, what season is most important to your favorite time period, and do you have a favorite star. My favorite season used to be winter and you knew that but it changed. I like spring because that’s when beauty blooms and that’s when you bloomed. You were sad and angry becaus

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of Soulmate

Letters to a Soulmate #1

Dear Aidan, First of all, a quick small update on my health; I’m doing good but I have a splint on right now and I’m gonna have it on for a couple weeks, don’t worry I was just clumsy and I tripped. The doctor says it’s nothing serious and I know how you worry so I’m telling you to not worry. I’ll be good as new in April. Now on to what I’m really here for. I feel like when I write these to you, I feel close to you and to be honest you would probably be the only person I’d tell this to. I

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Soulmate

Guilt and Fear

My mom has asked me to ask my oldest brother, Keith, when the funeral is or if they already had one, where his grave is. I personally don’t think I have the right, I’m the child that never visited, never got to know him, all because I was angry that he didn’t want me when I was born and he forgot a few birthdays, but I was foolish. I’m a young adult with anger issues, yes, I’ve learned this but why didn’t I learn that I was taking it all out on my father? I’ve been told that I was smart and inte

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Parent

4 months, 9 days

It’s been 4 months and nine days since my father passed and I joined this in about 2 months ago and I just found out that this was here. So I figured hey, why not give this a try, express all my feelings and maybe there are people going through the same thing I am that could relate. So, like I said, it’s been 4 months and nine days since he passed and my grieving process has practically just started. My mother was the only one that raised me so I’ve only had her and I’ve been her rock, and when

Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Parent

Memories

I'm starting to understand more how grief has affected me. I'm wondering how many others have experienced similar. A friend came over recently, for dinner and to watch tv. That may not sound like much. But we watch a series that due to Covid has not aired in about two years. That's about the time my husband has been gone. The last season we watched, two years ago, was season 3. This year season 4 has begun. He remembers season 3, I don't. He was telling me about what had happened in season

CatL

CatL in Musings

tonight

Tonight I lay in my bed, surrounding myself with self pity. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Everytime I think of myself as some sad story I hate myself. All I can think is I may have it bad, but there's plenty of people in the world who have had it even worse. Some have it way worse. So I lost my parents, everyone has to eventually. Why does it feel like my life is being ripped away from me? why do I feel so alone? There's people in the world who get past worse, why does this feel never ending?

uhoh

uhoh in losing my parents

I didn't know ...

Connor, Hi buddy, I haven't written in a couple days. I just wanted to see if it made me feel better not to write.  It didn't!  So here I am again.  Today we received a copy of your death certificate.  I don't know why but it just made me feel so empty.  What it said is "accidental overdose due to fentanyl".  I was pretty sure this is what it would say--so why do I feel your loss today like it was just yesterday?  I realized yesterday that I am constantly looking for you when I drive around

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

4 weeks and a million more to go

Connor, Tonight will be 4 weeks since you left us.  It seems like yesterday.  I see your face constantly throughout the day.  Yesterday was bad, it was my birthday and you wern't here.  Last year you helped dad pick out a rose gold heart necklace for me and then left for rehab.  . So yesterday It really got to me that no one is mentioning you to me.  It's like they are afraid I will go all psycho on them if they say your name.  Pretending you never existed is even worse.  I miss you so much

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Trying to be a good sister.

In my introductory blog post (which I cant seem to find!) I mentioned that during my Mom's illness, my eldest sister's behavior was awful and it caused a deep rift between us. We've barely seen or spoken in two years. I love her still, but have had a difficult time with forgiving some of the things she did.  Anyway, she lives alone and now her dog is dying, so I reached out. This will be a really difficult loss for her because she won't have that love and companionship. That dog has gotten

Traz

Traz in General

Anxiety tonight...

Really missing my Mom and Dad so much right now. I've been waking up with anxiety and I think it has to do with the situation in Russia and the Ukraine. This would be something I'd call my Mom about and we'd discuss it at length. My Mom only had a grade 8 education but she was highly intelligent and articulate. She could have done so much more, had she had the opportunity.  Anyway, she would have instilled calm in me about this situation. As a kid, I was deeply affected by that movie The Da

Traz

Traz in General

You are home with us at last

Connor, I have so much to tell you.  I will start with yesterday.  We were in need of cat litter due to your cat that had kittens we go through lots of litter.  Nala went to your fathers secretary's daughter.  Daniel is keeping Serenity and we still had the little tiger striped boy.  So dad goes to warm up the car, and when he comes in the house he smells marijuana.  (he is the only one who hasn't smelled it).  He says Connor is here.  So he goes to dollar general (cheap cat litter) and the

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Birthdays

Connor, Today I was talking to someone who lost their daughter and today is her daughters birthday.  It made me think of your last birthday.  Decembr 15 2021.  I missed it, I had gone to North Carolina because your cousin was found dead and we are his only living family.  I was gone 6 days.  This threw you for a loop.  When I got home you were very angry with me.  We made a special dinner and you picked out an Ice cream cake.  You got your gifts --including your new phone but I could tell I

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Friday 2/18/22

Connor, Oh I miss you so much today.  The minutes seem to drag by slower each day.  I don't know what goal I seek to achieve by making it through another day.  I can't shut my brain off.  I was trying to paint today to keep my mind off you and it just doesn't work.  I could never imagine this depth of pain.  Everyone seems to be able to at least function but me.  I go to the grocery store and I keeping reaching for the things you like.  I no longer need 2 gallons of milk a week.  Who though

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

3 weeks and it hurts like the 1st day

Connor, I like to write here because it does help me in some small way.  It helps me remember the good times and accept the bad.  This is so difficult because no one can even imagine the pain of losing a child.  My brain has accepted that you are gone but my heart can not.  22 years of loving you all gone in an instant--poof.  I talked with your bio mom/Dana the other night.  I know you never understood that she didn't make me feel threatened.  I was secure in my love for you and that I was

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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