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Heavens Pavement

It's the numbness that gets you...

My mother didn't have a sick day in her life and at 91 years of age took no medications other than her lengthy list of vitamin supplements. In spite of having mild angina she stopped seeing Doctors in her early fifties and believed that was the key to her longevity.  She was completely coherent and funny and active for her age. After my father died some thirteen years back, she and I became incredibly close in spite of opposite communication styles. I loved (and still love) her more than anythin
WOR

WOR in Grief

4
Traz

3rd Anniversary

It's the third anniversary of my Mom's death today, September 2nd. I'm having a hard time accepting that she has been gone for three years. Everything is still clear in my mind as to what transpired that summer of 2019. I can tell you honestly it feels like a only a few months have passed. Six at the most. It's a bizarre thing to lose half your birth family. It is also tremendously heartbreaking, lonely and a reminder of your own mortality. Mom, Dad and brother... all gone. The rest of
Traz

Traz in General

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Words I Have To Practice Saying Outloud

Brotherly Hate

I hate that I told him to “do something good for yourself today!” on his birthday.  I hate that I wanted a brother so bad. I hate that I had one who hated me so much. I hate that I tried so hard to be around someone who told others I wasn’t even his sister. We look like identical male/female twins.    I hate that even after the countless verbal fights, name callings , physical fights, and degradations, I tried to fix and maintain any form of relationship I could with the br
StormySeas

StormySeas in Family Murder

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Traz

Getting things off my chest..

I'm really missing my mom tonight and writing is the only thing I can do sometimes to cope.  My middle sister sent me a text with a photo of our grandmother's chili sauce recipe tonight. Our mom had written it out for my sister and I copied it down to add to my recipe box. I felt comforted, but at the same time sad, as I took in the beauty of her handwriting. Penmanship really is a lost art these days it seems. I remember as a teenager trying to copy her signature on a note for school and i
Traz

Traz in General

1
Things I can never say to you

??

I had a dream about you, you were alive still sick but alive and you were talking, and now i'm not sure how to feel. I want to call you and hear your voice just one more time or be able to be near you just for 5 more minutes. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without you?
dark_phoebe

dark_phoebe in Lost

1
Life

My sister

This will be the 3rd year since my sister decided she no longer belonged in this world. She left not only her siblings and friends and family behind...but she left behind 2 beautiful daughters. Her youngest was only 4 months old. She won't have any memories of her mother that she got to experience. All she will have is the memories we share with her. Not even sure her oldest will have very many as she was only 3. It breaks my heart. I moved to Texas to be there and to help her with her kids. I l
eternaldreams

eternaldreams in Sister

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Letters To My Great Grandma

July 7, 2022

Dear Grandma Shirley, It's been seven months since you died, and I still feel the pain in my heart. A couple months ago my school was doing a cancer awareness thing and we got to decorate bags and put peoples names on them that had or have cancer. I decorated one and put your name on it. Each day is getting a little easier, even with some set backs. Sometimes I forget that you are not physically on this world anymore and when I remember, I feel all the initial pain over again.  I'm sor
Greifllama

Greifllama in Letters to Grandma Shirley

0
Traz

Unsettled. Sad. And a dash of fear..

Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. What would have been her 86th. It's supposed to be stifling hot too. She would have been miserable in this heat however and I'd have heard all about it, bless her.  My daughter got engaged today and while I am happy for her and her husband to-be, I am also sad. My Mom would have been thrilled and it feels wrong she's not here to share in it. She had a special bond with my daughter. My Mom was with me when I went into premature labour out of the country and I g
Traz

Traz in General

3
I NEED MY MOM

I really need you right now Mom!

Mom, You saved my life when I was diagnosed with Leukemia at 4 years old.. I have so much guilt that you weren’t able to come home and be with us when you passed away..    But Mom, I’m so scared right now and I need you so much! I need your words of wisdom, your support and I need to feel your arms wrapped around me and telling me everything will be alright and that you will be there every step of the way just like when I was 4!! You would call me your Million Dollar Miracle Child be
Altrav82

Altrav82 in MOM

1
My Grief Story

My Grief Story - ALS, Caregiving, and COVID

My story begins a little more than four years ago when my wife of 16 years and I first heard the letters ALS uttered from a doctor's mouth. She was 47 years old at the time, healthy, we both worked in a Government Office in the same building, and we were raising a 12 year old daughter with a 26 year old step-daughter (hers from a previous marriage) and a 1 year old granddaughter. Those words hung over me with an unimaginable weight. What brought this on was about a month earlier she began slurri
nickwei

nickwei in My Grief story

1
CatL

Grief returns

Its been just over two years since my husband passed away. I thought i was doing okay. I've been trying out dating websites, not that I would say I have a great deal of success, but at least I've been trying. And then my housekeeper/assistant gave me notice. What does that have to do with grief. She had been my companion, the person that has been there since he passed. And tomorrow is her last day. It made me realize that though I felt alone losing my husband, now I know how alone
CatL

CatL in musings

2
V. Evergarden

Letters to a Soulmate #7

Dear Aidan, We both talked about how our parents would say that their childhood’s were worse than ours and that we would never know what they went through so we should stop complaining. They were somewhat right; we did not know what they went through, though they did not know what we went through either, perhaps they did not bother to ask or they were too busy. I feel as though parents do not understand that there is no competition on how worse our life is and we will never know how hard their
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of Soulmate

0
Traz

954 Days

Today I randomly typed into Google: "How long has it been since September 2nd, 2019?" And it gave it to me in years, months, days and seconds. I don't know why, but the days struck me the most: 954. That's how long my mom has been missing from my life. Yet it doesn't seem like such a vast number. Wasn't it only yesterday we spoke? A month or two since our last coffee run? Today was punctuated by random moments of pure grief in the form of pansies fluttering in the wind, the mud-of
Traz

Traz in General

3
V. Evergarden

Letters to a Soulmate #5

Dear Aidan, I have been obsessed with butterflies since you left. I was quite fond of them before but I have learned that different colors of butterflies mean different things like brown symbolizes evil and orange symbolizes happiness. In some of my letters, mostly my personal, I call you mon papillon bleu which means my blue butterfly. I not only call you that due to it being your favorite color but it is also because blue butterflies are considered a message from loved ones when we are feeli
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Soulmate

1
Traz

Happy Birthday to Me...

Today is my birthday and earlier on I prayed for two things - one, for the war in Ukraine to be over soon and two, that I'd receive a sign from my Mom today. Neither came true. And my husband and I had a stupid argument to top it all off and it just made for a crappy birthday. I'm 56 today and I feel like my life is over. My parents and brother are gone. My sister and I who were once so close, are like strangers now. Everything changed when our Mom died. Our family unit splintered and is fo
Traz

Traz in General

2
V. Evergarden

Letters to a Soulmate #5

Dear Aidan, I have realized that me and my mother now have basically nothing in common anymore. She is a social, outgoing person that likes to go bowling, to the arcade, or zip lining and she likes to try new things. Then there is me, an anti social, quiet person that likes museums, aquariums, zoos and I do not like to try new things. I love Europe, their history, their food, their clothes, and mom loves Texas, their food, the people, and their attitude. Though I am more on the proper side
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of Soulmate

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V. Evergarden

Letters to a Soulmate #4

Dear Aidan, I have been given an assignment in English to write about a loss. I am not good at English or at forming words together in general except for when I write letters. Even so, I think this is a topic that I will finally get an A+ in, even if I don't want it. It doesn't feel right to write about a loss that I have had just so that I can get a good grade. It also makes me feel exposed, like I am just about to re-open up all the cuts that I have ever had. It just upsets me but yet I a
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of Soulmate

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Traz

The Little Things.

It's really bizarre how memories are triggered by the most benign things. Especially when it comes to loss and grief.  The memories of my Mom are triggered by, well most everything, but lately it's when I go into the stores that I took her to. The other day it was a can of Primo Minestrone soup. (I know, right?)  Mom's favourite soup was this particular one and I can't describe the hours we spent driving to different stores for this damn soup! Or her favourite jam, Fieldberry. Both pro
Traz

Traz in General

0
V. Evergarden

Letters to a Soulmate #3

Dear Aidan, I love you. Those were the three consistent words that you would tell me. Whenever you would say them your voice would sound as though a soft, serious tone, yet your face would have a mixed expression of pure happiness and a hint of sadness. I love you is something that everyone grew up with yet I wonder how many people actually know what it means; how it feels. Whenever I saw you say those words I felt a bit of envy because I could tell that you knew what they meant. Yet, I have r
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Soulmate

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V. Evergarden

Letters to a Soulmate #2

Dear Aidan, Lately, I’ve been taking astronomy classes, and sometimes they have us answer personal questions that pertain to class. There were three questions that really had me thinking; They were, what’s your favorite season, what season is most important to your favorite time period, and do you have a favorite star. My favorite season used to be winter and you knew that but it changed. I like spring because that’s when beauty blooms and that’s when you bloomed. You were sad and angry becaus
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of Soulmate

0
V. Evergarden

Letters to a Soulmate #1

Dear Aidan, First of all, a quick small update on my health; I’m doing good but I have a splint on right now and I’m gonna have it on for a couple weeks, don’t worry I was just clumsy and I tripped. The doctor says it’s nothing serious and I know how you worry so I’m telling you to not worry. I’ll be good as new in April. Now on to what I’m really here for. I feel like when I write these to you, I feel close to you and to be honest you would probably be the only person I’d tell this to. I
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Soulmate

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V. Evergarden

Guilt and Fear

My mom has asked me to ask my oldest brother, Keith, when the funeral is or if they already had one, where his grave is. I personally don’t think I have the right, I’m the child that never visited, never got to know him, all because I was angry that he didn’t want me when I was born and he forgot a few birthdays, but I was foolish. I’m a young adult with anger issues, yes, I’ve learned this but why didn’t I learn that I was taking it all out on my father? I’ve been told that I was smart and inte
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Parent

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V. Evergarden

4 months, 9 days

It’s been 4 months and nine days since my father passed and I joined this in about 2 months ago and I just found out that this was here. So I figured hey, why not give this a try, express all my feelings and maybe there are people going through the same thing I am that could relate. So, like I said, it’s been 4 months and nine days since he passed and my grieving process has practically just started. My mother was the only one that raised me so I’ve only had her and I’ve been her rock, and when
Violet Coffee

Violet Coffee in Loss of a Parent

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