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Journals

Traz

Number Five

The fifth anniversary - Monday September 2nd 2024. It came and went, like any other day. I don't know what I was expecting. The days seem to slip into one another and the emotional pain of your loss comes and goes. It's as painful on the 5th anniversary,  as it is on any other day throughout the year.  Still, I can't grasp the amount of time that's passed since you've been gone mom. So many things have transpired - little things and big, life changing things. I like to think that somew
Traz

Traz in The fifth year.

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Thoughts About Mom

It is you who is gone.

When I remember she is gone, I feel the wind knocked out of me. I cannot breathe. I long for her again; her voice, her laugh, her touch, her messages, her little and big acts of love. And the feeling of being loved by her. I miss you mom. I know in the remaining of my life time, she will not be physically here. And it hurts so deep. A raw throbbing pain, a giant hole, an undeniable yearning for something to be never felt again. Losing you has been the most
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

1
Thoughts About Mom

There can be joy while grieving

There has been time since losing you mom that I am moving forward.  Moving forward, but not on from losing you.  Not because I want to but because I know that you wouldn't want me to be stuck in life after losing you. And in moving forward, I am experiencing joy again.  At first, I would feel incredibly guilty for being happy when I remember that I have lost you.  But I know this is what you would have wanted for me.  And then I grieve for not being able to share these moments and milestone
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

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Thoughts About Mom

I cry ugly for you

I cry ugly for you The loss of you is so great So raw, so painful, so deep That I cry ugly for you This is not the same type of crying over sad scenes in movies It is wailing sounds that I didn't know that I could make It is gasping for breath between sobbing It is choking over the discoordination of tears, inhaling and exhaling It is beet red in the nose, eyes and face It is a deep pain felt in my chest It is large drops of tears that soak the p
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

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nights.

we missed nightfall.

It gets to be very quiet.   And there's so little you can do.   I miss them.   Peace is an abstract riot.   When there's so much I need to say to you. 
sweet n low

sweet n low in Silence

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Thoughts About Mom

Hold Tight To the Memories

The fear of forgetting who she is scares me. Her voice greeting me with a pet name when I return home. The way she smells. How she fits in my arms for a hug. The little things that she would do to care for me. The words of encouragement and advice; sometimes unsolicited.  It would be an understatement to say that I am so incredibly scared that I am losing the small pieces of her with each day being the longest that I have lived without her.  Now that she is gone, th
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

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Thoughts About Mom

Birthdays

Her birthday is next week. My body knows.  My grief knows.   Another year without her.  It is another year that she would not have aged.  Forever 60 years old. Even the birthdays that are not hers are milestones where her presence is missed.  A gaping hole left by the one who would have made / picked up the cake, wrote the birthday cake, decorated the room and carefully picked up and wrapped the gifts with care.  She made the celebrations happen.  She made the celebration happy.
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

0
Thoughts About Mom

Small things

My mom was the giver of small things.  Small things that meant a lot as they demonstrated her care, though and love for me.  Small things that often included self-care or little indulgences.   My apartment is littered with these small things.  Some of it is sentimental and others, if consumed or used, would be garbage. But I cannot bring myself to consume or use these small things because although I don't have her anymore, I have these small things that she would do or has given me.
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

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Thoughts About Mom

The grief catches up with me

It's been more than a year since my mother passed away. I have more hope for the future, more good days than bad, more smiles than tears but the grief is still there.  Although I think of my mom often every day and miss her so much, I don't grieve every day.  I am grateful that I am no longer just surviving and finally at a point where I can thrive or try to thrive again.  But the grief still catches up with me.  Often in unexpected ways in surprising moments, I feel the wave of grief wash
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

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Janet collier

Sorrow

My mother Janet Evanston, was brutally beaten to death, and left in a manner so horrific,  has caused me at times like right this very moment unbearable heartache, I just got done talking with a woman from the major crimes unit, who is questioning me like I am a suspect, never mind the fact I was three years old when my mother was brutally beaten to death. My mother was found on October 11, 1975, in San Diego County, after many years of trying to deal with my loss, I decided to contact the sheri
Janet Collier

Janet Collier in Sorrow

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Thoughts About Mom

This time of year

This time of year reminds me of her, of home. The warm glow of the sun, the changing colours of the leaves, the cooling evening weather.  September is the time of starting school, of transitions, of holidays to come; Thanksigving, Halloween, so much of her.  The fall for me is coming home for roast turkey, pie and all the fixings.  It is about lounging on the couch after a big meal usually prepared by her.   It is about family and togetherness.  It is the feeling of being warm, cared for, l
ahurtingheart

ahurtingheart in Mom

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"This too shall pass"........for now.

In an instant, everything changed.

!WARNING!  This may be a sensitive or triggering subject for some......   I used to be like any other child out there. I viewed the world as a happy place where the good always outweighed the bad. I was an athlete, got decent grades with little to no effort, had lots of friends, and a family that loved me. I believed in trust; I believed people genuinely cared about and respected each other. But then......in one night...I was shown just how wrong I was....   AGAIN, THIS CAN B
Kaitlyn1992

Kaitlyn1992 in I lost myself

1
Loss of parents

Trying to cope with loss

Losing my dad was one thing but losing my mother is a whole different side of grief I have never felt before.  I fell like my least half of me when my dad passed away but when mom passed away I didn’t know who I was.  My heart is so brokeN.  This so another level of grief that I have never felt before,  I’m not sure of anything anymore because I always went to my mom do everything.  My mom and I had a routine.  When I would wake up first I would call her.  However, if she woke up first, she woul
Brandy B. McDaniel

Brandy B. McDaniel in Loss

1
Shanda

Too much loss for one persons lifetime..

I am a 40 year old, single woman I have a sister that is two years older than me who is also my best friend.. In 1994 my sister was 13 years old. I was 11 years old and we lost our father in a car accident after he became a quadriplegic. On April 11, 2021 my ex husband (who I was still very close to) was murdered when shot by the neighbor over a pointless dispute.  Our mother just unexpectedly and tragically died on October 8, 2022. we took her to dinner for her 71st birthday on October 2. Aft
ShandaPanda

ShandaPanda in Tragically losing a mother…

4
CatL

Grief is a strange bird

I've been doing my best to move on, make a life after losing my spouse. I even tried dating. After about 6 months of seeing someone I got dumped, and it feels like losing my spouse all over again. In some ways I'm thankful for seeing him. He helped me know that I can love again. And what's hard is that I was growing to love him, but I didn't tell him. I was too afraid to. I should have, but I didn't. So he doesn't even know. I got dumped about 5 days ago now, and I've cried everyday since.
CatL

CatL in ramblings

2
stuck in time

numb

almost 2 months.. 56 days to be exact without you. i miss you being by my side all the time, i was never alone.. everybody knew when they saw you, there i was right next to you and vice versa. i miss talking to you. i miss showing you stupid **** online.. i miss watching shows with you even though we barely ever watched tv when we did it was fun, even though id get annoyed at you asking questions like it wasnt my first time watching it too lol. i miss working on stuff with you, helping you with
alexakay

alexakay in loss of partner

1
Anne

Disbelief

Words cannot describe the way i felt when i got that call. NO it cant be true i just spoke to him last night we were meeting today for lunch. I have three days off, in an instance I felt the heavy weight descend upon me almost crushing me. I could hear myself screaming but it seemed surreal. why was  she telling me Main was dead. No its not possible not my Main.  I stood screaming and wailing for about 10 minutes my sister had came from her room and he started calling me a liar, not in the manne
AnneMarie71

AnneMarie71 in grief

0
I have your nose

Lost my dad but feel I’ve lost my mum too 💔

The day I lost my dad, I feel like I lost a part of my mum too . my mum and dad had been together since the age of 15 !! 45 years together and had just celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary 6 weeks before my dad passed away ! They spent pretty much all of their lives together . In my mums words “she doesn’t know how to do life without him “  so the day my dad died , I feel like I lost my mum too . In the midst of trying to navigate my way through the grief of loosing my dad, I
Weepy willow

Weepy willow in I have your nose

2
I have your nose

A little bit about my dad :

My dad was a complete legend . Fair to say he was a complete one off !  The best dad a girl could ask for . He was a perfectionist, like things done his way , loved motorbikes and anything with an engine .  I am 34 years old and have never taken my car for an MOT / done my own car insurance because my dad did everything ‘adulty’ for me. ( I’m not a brat I’m just useless ha )  My dad got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 3 years ago in December . He fought like and absolute warrior a
Weepy willow

Weepy willow in I have your nose

1
Heavens Pavement

It's the numbness that gets you...

My mother didn't have a sick day in her life and at 91 years of age took no medications other than her lengthy list of vitamin supplements. In spite of having mild angina she stopped seeing Doctors in her early fifties and believed that was the key to her longevity.  She was completely coherent and funny and active for her age. After my father died some thirteen years back, she and I became incredibly close in spite of opposite communication styles. I loved (and still love) her more than anythin
WOR

WOR in Grief

5
Traz

3rd Anniversary

It's the third anniversary of my Mom's death today, September 2nd. I'm having a hard time accepting that she has been gone for three years. Everything is still clear in my mind as to what transpired that summer of 2019. I can tell you honestly it feels like a only a few months have passed. Six at the most. It's a bizarre thing to lose half your birth family. It is also tremendously heartbreaking, lonely and a reminder of your own mortality. Mom, Dad and brother... all gone. The rest of
Traz

Traz in General

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Words I Have To Practice Saying Outloud

Brotherly Hate

I hate that I told him to “do something good for yourself today!” on his birthday.  I hate that I wanted a brother so bad. I hate that I had one who hated me so much. I hate that I tried so hard to be around someone who told others I wasn’t even his sister. We look like identical male/female twins.    I hate that even after the countless verbal fights, name callings , physical fights, and degradations, I tried to fix and maintain any form of relationship I could with the br
StormySeas

StormySeas in Family Murder

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