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Traz

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3rd Anniversary


Traz

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It's the third anniversary of my Mom's death today, September 2nd.

I'm having a hard time accepting that she has been gone for three years. Everything is still clear in my mind as to what transpired that summer of 2019. I can tell you honestly it feels like a only a few months have passed. Six at the most.

It's a bizarre thing to lose half your birth family. It is also tremendously heartbreaking, lonely and a reminder of your own mortality. Mom, Dad and brother... all gone. The rest of us; me & my two sisters, are a fractured unit. The oldest has caused so much damage and heartbreak with her behaviour as I've mentioned. We were once inseparable and now we hardly ever speak. My other sister doesn't have a relationship with her at all, due to betrayal issues. It will never be the same and I've had to treat it like another loss. Lots of agonizing over it, lots of going back to the past to remember happier times and then feelings of deep sadness at what has gone and will never be again. Maybe an echo of it, if we're lucky.

My mom is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last when I go to bed. There are certain times of the day where the feeling of her absence is utterly complete. I would either be calling her at that time or we'd be out together. I desperately want to hear her voice in those moments. I talk out loud to her into empty rooms, just because it feels good to say "Mom" again. I don't know what to do with that feeling when it hits.

I've had no dreams about her and no sense of her being around me, as I did after my Dad died. I feel like he hung around quite a bit, checking in on everyone. But not my mom. Why is that? I feel like I'm pretty intuitive and sensitive to things, but I haven't gotten any sense of her at all. It's upsetting. My other sister says its because she is where she is meant to be. I hope she's right.

I love you Mom. I miss you. I tried to be a good daughter. I hope some how you know that. 

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