Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Blogs

Cheryl

Friday 2/18/22

Connor, Oh I miss you so much today.  The minutes seem to drag by slower each day.  I don't know what goal I seek to achieve by making it through another day.  I can't shut my brain off.  I was trying to paint today to keep my mind off you and it just doesn't work.  I could never imagine this depth of pain.  Everyone seems to be able to at least function but me.  I go to the grocery store and I keeping reaching for the things you like.  I no longer need 2 gallons of milk a week.  Who though
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

0
Cheryl

3 weeks and it hurts like the 1st day

Connor, I like to write here because it does help me in some small way.  It helps me remember the good times and accept the bad.  This is so difficult because no one can even imagine the pain of losing a child.  My brain has accepted that you are gone but my heart can not.  22 years of loving you all gone in an instant--poof.  I talked with your bio mom/Dana the other night.  I know you never understood that she didn't make me feel threatened.  I was secure in my love for you and that I was
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

0
Cheryl

Day 15 at a loss

Connor, I have reread my earlier post at least 5 times.  I have searched my mind for some spark or special memory from that time.  I want to say that I did reread your letters home from Glenn Mills.  They were full of love, hope and gratitude.  There were letters to your little brother that he didn't remember.  He had forgotten you liked and even loved him.  I know you were in there and cared.  The shadow of all the pain just hung over us.  I think this is why people judge mental health and
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

0
Cheryl

Day 15

Connor, Hey buddy!  Today is day 15 since you left us.  Yes I am counting it by days.  I am going to continue your story now and this will be some of the really bad stuff.  I have been thinking about this for days.  I do think I had blocked some of this out.   You started 7th grade and it was so exciting.  During this time you excelled at school and remained in advanced classes, wrestled, played basketball and foot ball.  During 9th grade you starting using marijuana and no matter what
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

3
Cheryl

2 weeks 2/10/22

Connor, I'm still not ready to work on your story.  I'm still processing everything that is going on.  Tonight we went to Matt's 18th birthday.  I made it through and did not cry.  It was nice.  Monday I powered through work.  Tuesday I left at 3 and Wed I walked out at 1pm.  I left my lunch and coffee on my desk, computer on and ran out the door.  I went to the peninsula and watched the ice fishermen for hours.  I then went and found your dad.  He drove while I cried and screamed.  Then he
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

0
Cheryl

Silence Day 11 2/6/22

Connor, I will get back to your live story but today I just can't do it.  Friday we put your picture show together and Saturday 2/5/22 was your service.  There were so many people there it was amazing.  We held it together and Snoop was the comic relief.  The morman missionaries were there along with some of the people from the church. Luke your boss had Covid so he couldn't come or speak.  Pastor Jeanne from the Luthern Church  spoke and it was so touching.  I spoke and im sure you heard e
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

0
Cheryl

Day 8 Feb 3 2022

I don't know that anyone will ever read this but me. You may not want to read it because I am pretty blunt about drug addiction and some of the details of my son's death.  If you do read this, maybe it will somehow help another family from suffering and going through what we have gone through.   I need to work out all the thoughts, fears, regrets, love and yes anger that are now part of my every waking moment.  We always knew this could happen but when it did we were totally unprepared.  Connor
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

3
Losing your soulmate- your other half

Loneliness

The loneliness is a form of hell. When you spend every waking you can with someone & they're are part of your daily routine you just feel lost and alone after they pass. There is really nothing inside me but emptiness. I see no hope. I feel so alone. I wish I could get some symbol or sign that he is watching over me. It seemed like I was a lot when he first passed.
Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in My soulmate

1
Losing your soulmate- your other half

The holidays...

No one could ever prepare you for your first holiday without your loved ones. This year is expecially hard because I lost my grandfather and my fiance on the same day. I'm trying to grieve one loved one at a time and I'm taking my fiance passing the hardest at this point because it is Christmas. I spent a beautiful Christmas Eve with his family they showered me with very sentimental gifts and it was very emotional. I know we lit off biodegradable lights for him yesterday and he gave us so many s
Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in Losing two loved ones on the same day

0
Losing your soulmate- your other half

Books & Journals

Today, I went to the bookstore, and it actually gave me a glimmer of hope finding hundreds of books that try to help you through grief, books about signs and symbols and just things to help you take it day by day. I got myself a planner so I can start planning what I'm going to do with my life and get back to working full-time. This is the first holiday season without my loved ones that past. My fiance and my grandfather. My fiance and I had lots of plans for the holiday season. I'm hoping that
Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in Losing two loved ones on the same day

0
Losing your soulmate- your other half

Night time..

Nighttime seems to be the worst for me. We would spend a lot of time together in the evening because he worked hard all day long and I was able to work from home. We made the most out of every minute we could spend together. So, I feel especially alone at night. His Cemetery where he rests is less than 5 minutes from my house so I spend a lot of time there but I know he wouldn't want me there late at night so when I come home I just feel empty. I have thousands of videos, pictures, letters, card
Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in My soulmate

0
My Journey

It Feels Like My Ex’s Friends Screwed Me

Very frustrated and betrayed but do not want to believe the worst. But it has been a year since my ex’s suicide and his friends wanted to get the house cleaned professionally right afterwards so they could go to the house and pack everything and sell things and salvage stuff. Nothing had anything to do with me but I had to be the one to make a claim through the house, since he and I were the ones who owned it and therefore had the insurance to make a claim. I said I would, but I could not take c
Mianko471

Mianko471 in Ex Files

0
My Journey

Trying to be Busy

So i’m Trying to stay busy. Going to counseling once a week lately, trying to go out by myself at least once a week other than that as well. I’ve been trying to take better care in how i dress and make myself up for the day. The past couple outings to the grocery store, i was approached by men who wanted to engage in conversation and pursue more. It is flattering a bit, and a little startling. It has been a while since i was approached in such a manner and i thought i had aged past that time in
Mianko471

Mianko471 in Blog

1
My Journey

Thinking About my Ex

Just some random thoughts going through my head these days.  One of my recent losses was my ex-fiancée one year and one day ago today (10-15-2020) due to suicide, but I am sure cocaine and heroin were involved and exacerbated his inner demons lying just below the surface. I hope we all find peace here and do not allow the what-ifs to tear us down.  We are all trying to survive this experience called life the best we can and try to live it the best we can. I just wish we could all
Mianko471

Mianko471 in Thoughts

0
My Journey

Feeling reticent but I need to change

Hello there. I have been actively avoiding feeling and reflecting out of wanting to avoid the unbearable pain that such activities lead to. However, I cannot continue this behavior, I know this. Not only is it not helping me heal and causing me to simply wallow and grow stagnant, I am burdening and hurting the ones I love, and I need to stop this selfish behavior.  Before we continue, I wish to get this out of the way. **TRIGGER  WARNINGS BELOW** Some background on me - I am naturally
Mianko471

Mianko471 in My Introduction

0
From my, all too busy, mind

Spider Tattoo

Of all of the ridiculous things that keeps going through my head, it's the nagging thought that I should get a black widow spider tattoo.  I have two loves.  The first died 7 years ago.  We had been together over 3.5 years. And, of course, I thought I would never love anyone again. We were still in the teen-aged years of our relationship.  We still had stories that surprised each other.  How I grieved the loss of the years we would never have.  Then, quite by accident, I fell in love again.  And
LesleyE

LesleyE in Stuff and Things

0
CatL

Don't date until you're ready

I tried the world of online dating. Really, I'm just not ready. I'd like to say I am ready, but the fact is I'm not. Its like I can't relax, I compare them to my husband, I try to force being nice or pleasant. I've tried the idea of meeting guys that that are "new" or at least different from what I would usually be interested in. Out of all the guys I've talked to or met (and that's not many I've met) only one is actually interesting. I don't want to force myself to do this. If I'm not read
CatL

CatL in Musings

0
CatL

16 months

Its been 16 months since my husband passed. For some reason, okay there are a few good ones, today its just hitting me. Yes, my father passed away recently so maybe that's adding to my feelings. But today its just one of those days. I don't know why I feel like crying. Its sunny outside, the weather has been nice, even the dogs have been fairly good today. But I just feel like crying. Its like this pall of grief, of mourning, of loss that is just enveloping me. I've had no appetite. I've sn
CatL

CatL in Musings

0
CatL

Here we go again

My dear love passed April 2020. Its been 15 months since he passed. Now my father has passed away. Is this the start of another 15 months of grieving? My mother was hospitalized with COVID last night, before my father died. She wasn't told about his passing until today. Will she survive? Will she get out of the hospital? Will we have a double funeral? Or a single funeral? I don't know. But once again I begin a slow process of mourning. What else can I do? Today someone told me God doesn't g
CatL

CatL in Musings

0
CatL

Knife's edge

Sometimes you just don't really realize how much of a knife's edge you're sitting on until something dumb and little happens. This morning I got up, did my normal routine, had my tea, and even did dishes by hand. I had a couple of pans from last night that needed to be washed. And then I noticed it. I had water on the floor. Not too much, but enough to take about 3-4 towels to dry it up. I'm talking towels, not little paper towels. The pipe under the kitchen sink came undone, actually it looks l
CatL

CatL in Musings

1
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.