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Entry posted by alexakay in loss of partner
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almost 2 months.. 56 days to be exact without you. i miss you being by my side all the time, i was never alone.. everybody knew when they saw you, there i was right next to you and vice versa. i miss talking to you. i miss showing you stupid **** online.. i miss watching shows with you even though we barely ever watched tv when we did it was fun, even though id get annoyed at you asking questions like it wasnt my first time watching it too lol. i miss working on stuff with you, helping you with ****. i miss hearing you yell my name from the front yard. i miss you showing me something new you tried or figured out. i miss laying next to you. i miss you complimenting me when i tried new stuff with my nails, hair or makeup.. i miss riding around with you.. i miss working with you.. i miss everything about you. this **** isnt fair. you still had so much life left only 30?! my life from what i knew it to be is completely changed. i miss the stupid little petty arguments, even though you never let them get to you, you were always over it within 10 mins but i had to keep being mad. i miss you singing songs to me in the truck. i miss trying new food with you.. i miss sharing food with you.. even after 4 years together, i was still shy around you in some ways lol.. it didnt feel like nowhere near 4 years being with you, even though i complained about ****, who doesnt? i loved every second of it with you.. i hate that it has came to an end and not have no control over it. i think thats whats been the hardest thing to grasp is the fact that all of this is completely out of my control and i cant do **** about anything. i dont even think ive fully come to accept the fact that youre gone completely yet.. it hurts to tell people that you passed away. i cant stand hearing your name cause i just cry every time i do.. ive cried every single day and night since this has happened. that day was a normal day like any other, we had just ate dinner and came back from the store. 20 mins later you were gone. i wish i wouldnt have had to see you like that in your last moments, that **** keeps replaying over and over in my head. everytime someone sees me at the store they tell me im strong but honestly i dont feel it. are they saying im strong just for the simple fact that im getting out the house? if i didnt have to i wouldnt to be honest, but these damn cats got to eat.. my eating has been all messed up and i know you wouldnt like that but im sorry i cant help that i have no appetite. ive ate every single meal with you for the last 4 years and it makes me so sad eating alone to the point im not even hungry anymore. im so fucking hurt without you its insane. i would have never thought id be going through this kind of **** at the age of 24 well at any age really. it never crossed my mind that id lose you to death.. i sometimes wish it was me instead of you cause at least your life wouldnt have done a complete 360 like mine. yeah you would have been sad for a bit but eventually you would have gotten over it and you coulda went back to doing everything we did... but with you being gone, nothing that we did before is possible.. nothing at all.. i really do wish it was me instead of you.. i have 2 notebooks that ive been writing to you daily in. sometimes i sit there and write 2 pages front and back full. im so lonely and by myself without you it fucking sucks.. man i wish i would have had more time with you.. cant take this ****. i think maybe i need to move away fromthe place that we shared to finally start grieving but being away from all the reminders of you.. i still sleep on our bed cause it gives me comfort yet makes me sad at the same time. i ahve a pillow with your jacket on it next to me so i can feel like im still hugging you to sleep but i mean come on now we both know thats not the same **** as you being here. i cant go 5 minutes without thinking of you. hell not even 2 seconds..this **** hurts so much we were so fucking close to eachother .. why did you have to leave so sudden and so soon.. i neeed you back
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