Loss of a Sibling

[4everjoeysmom]

Jackie, I'm glad the meds seem to be working. Keep us posted on how that goes, as I always get concerned when pills are sought for the condition.

You know..you're right! I have had some real up swings and some low lows these past several months. And while maybe I should be aching, today especially I am sitting here alone and working on my ministry report, but I am so full in the Spirit. I feel almost at times where I could laugh out loud. It's kind of wierd. I had an e-mail eschange with another mom yesterday from BI and she was thanking me for sharing my (godly) thoughts on grief. It was then that I realized I probably stick out like a sore thimb lots of times. As I write with hope on the boards many times, others must think I am such a fruitcake. But that's ok. I also am realizing that the more I take my focus off of my self and trying to self-medicate or self-help (like the whole Oprah outlook thing) and the more I put my focus into desiring God, the stronger and better I am able to stand and overcome on a daily basis. It's still a day by day, but I feel positive and encouraged more now that I did a few months back. I need to start marking on a calendar my progress and what my focus is for that day to see where my valleys are coming from. Is it just my grief? Or is it that I am opening the doors for oppressive enemy attack because of my focus? And I do believe it is a daily choice--sometimes hourly and otherwise. Anyway, it was pointed out by my e-mail friend that there are many, many grief journey self-help kind of books out there but they always seem to go off in a direction that is not biblical. So, I am seriously more and more considering taking my notes and studying other grief resources to compilate a godly journey on grief from my own experience. Please help me in praying about this, because prayer is the stage I am in right now. It has to be from God or its no good. That's my motto.

Anyway, I'm praying for you all too. I am doing great right now, so don't ache for me. I ache for others', but today I am "going with God". Love you all! -Claudia

[diane1234]

Claudia,Jackie & All,

Claudia,Amen on writing a book. Nena is on her way to Quito soon & I gave her the book to bring to you. Email her to arrange a meeting. I think you both will enjoy eachother. Make her practice english w/ you :-)

Jackie, there's nothing wrong w/ anti-depressants. Sometimes we need a temporary kick start back into the swing of things(I say"to each her own").I tend to do jewish rituals when I feel gloomy(I did one again today w/ my girlfriend Janet & her grandaugther Anna).

We did another Tashlich(google the word to learn more about it) in Harper's Ferry WV in Honor of Harvey's upcoming B-day & her Dad's B-day too.It was a very cleansing ceremony for us(you usually do Taslich on Rosh Hashanna..but we did it to clean our slates w/ our loved ones). We had a lovely sunny day & we sat @ the fork of 3 bodies of water converging(Claudia..it was kinda like a jewish baptism today).We were on a rock in the middle of where 3 rivers meet(The Potomac River,Shenedoah River & the Cacotin River)and I felt very blessed to say the prayers in Harvey's honor in that special place where G-d set us up on a Rock to pray :-)Janet read the english prayers,Anna sang a lovely Blessing and I read the prayers in Hebrew.I feel truely grateful to have gone to one of those G-d's PAINTBRUSH place today to pray & honor HIM.On the hike back up from the rivers , we found the most AMAZING waterfall :-) I'll have to email you gals pic's of our day(after Janet emails them to me).Someday, when you gals come to the DC area, we can go pray on the rock in honor of Joey,Jeff ,Harv & all others who have passed before us :-)

Blessings to All,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

In reading Diane's lovely post it just hit me like a 2x4 that my comment about the medication may hev seemed insensitive. Dear Jackie, I am so sorry if that's the way it comes across. It certainly is not meant to be that way. I'm all the way out here in a constant spiritual battlefield. And I guess many times I am looking at things as potential obstacles out in our way from the world and the enemy who seeks to oppress and mislead us. So I always ask myself is I am trying everything from God before I go to alternative measures, like am I praying, am I repenting for not following hard after God, am I reading scripture, am I looking to my accountabilty partners and siblings in faith before I seek outside help? If I can earnestly answer yes, then I pray for God's affirmation that my thought to seek elsewhere is ok with Him. But my problem is often I am not hearing Him. Maybe I don;t listen quietly enough or I don't wait for His answer. But that's me, and that's how He is shaping my heart and mind to think, because often my heart and mind don't agree and that in itself is a problem. So, again, please forgive me for pushing that thought process into my commentary. It's like I can't help myself at times, and I don;t ever want to be a hinderance. I love you and I care about how you are feeling and what's happening with you with all my heart. I hope you know that, and also know that I am going to lift you up in prayer and love and support through anything. Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Diane, your day sounds absolutely blessed. How wonderful!! I will definitely be in touch with Nena. Thanks for the reminder. You Go Girl!! Love, Claudia

[chiestand]

Catching up with everyone tonight. I have had more peaceful times, but a couple weeks ago was hit with a big huge wave of grief, then calm, but I have been at this since Nov. 2005. tonight, i felt it come again, unexpectedly, while i was looking at a photo i found.

have any of you done anything this photos? made any kinds of albums? that has definately been a part of my healing. Even though it's my "work" it took me a long time to get to that, but when i was ready, it was a very important part forme.

I think i may have mentioned that in March, I met with two of my brother's friends who knew him for years....spending time with them, learning things about my brother i never knew, helped me learn to know him better...helped fit some puzzle pieces together. that seemed to be such a turning point for me...i think God provided the opportunity at just the right time.

do any of you find that sometimes you just don't want to come here, because you can't bear to hear someone else's grief? i hate to admit that, but sometimes i just can't enter into it. that feels selfish and doesn't happen a lot, but it does happen. am i the only one?

carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, I don't think you're the only one in any of the things you feel. Grief is whacky; it does things to us that no other emoion or process possibly can. Try not to be discouraged when you feel you just can't visit and be exposed to the pain of others. You're in a healing track, and sometimes we just need to focus elsewhere for a bit. I sometimes feel guilty when I visit BI on a good day and share the insight and enocuragement I've been given by the Lord. People must think I'm a nut sometimes, especially those that are in deep grief and cannot fathom feeling the way I do on that particular day. One of the things that I am learning is that emotions can drive us to look to the heavens, but they can also drive us to our knees, and often into a pit. It's hard not to let emotions take over. My husband asked me one day if my emotions rule my faith--like on certain days do I not believe as much the things I write and share when I am feeling down and depressed? Or when I am really emotionally up, is my faith stronger in believeing that Jesus is healing my heart? Do I look more to Him and appreciate Him more when I am feeling upbeat? I had to think about that for a long time. I do tend to let my emotions rule me. But that's the batt;e of human nature, isn't it? I try not to get discouraged when I am having my down days, because God has shown me already that there are better days, and many more better days to come. It probably will never be easy in this life. But I'm glad to know this:

J - Just the one we need.

E - Everyday and every hour He is there interceding for us.

S - Saving our sanity and our souls.

U - Understanding every need.

S - Standing for all that is good and pure and for all who will come to Him in faith.

When we don't feel up to visiting our grief friends, when we aren't quite up to praying or seeking Him, and when our pain is much to bear on any given day, we have Him standing by. And He's there on the good days too.

I took a lot of pictures I have here in Ecuador and scanned them for a memorial web site for Joey. Other pictures I used to make a huge collage (poster size) of Joey's life, and I gave it to my son Patrick to frame and hang in his home as he wanted it. A neat idea that someone shared here, (and I saw it on the movie Step-Mom as well) is have the pictures scanned on cloth and use them as swatches to make a really nice quilt. Scrapbooking is good, and makin g a special album of photos is great as well. I get sad too often times when I look at photos of Joey and realize that's all that's left that is tangible, besides a few pieces of clothing or a necklace, old teddy bear and such. Butthen I am reminded that Jesus doesn't feel tangible in many ways either, because I can't see Him in th eflesh in front of me. But that does NOT mean He isn't there. When we can think of our beloved gone as fully alive, and standing in front of the Lord worshiping and singing and being completely full of joy, and understand that if given a choice they would never want to come back to this earthly life over having what they have now, it helps me to cope a little better. It's hard to keep that image permanently in my head though, because the missing Joey is so strong. But the knowing in my heart comforts me greatly in those times as well.

It's wonderful that God sent you friends of your brother to share more of his life with you. What a wonderful gift! We serve an awesome God! Hugs, Claudia

[mofirefly]

Carol - I agree with Claudia, you are not the only one feeling the way you do...just continue on this wild journey, visit whenever and keep trying to find your own path to lead you on. And Claudia - I highly doubt that anyone who reads your wonderful posts thinks of you as a nut. I'm glad I dropped in on this site and read you wonderful JESUS note. Hope all on these boards are doing their best to breathe deeply. Take care.

[diane1234]

Carol & All,

I agree that there are days when I just want to stay away from grief. However, I chose to share in here today when that happens to me.I used to just come in here read the posts & not post anything due to fear & being out of my comfort zone w/ grief. However, once I started to share where I was at (happy,sad etc..) my sense of Faith in G-d & in my own grief recovery came back to me( a new me emerged from the ashes of Harv's passing). So now I come in here and share the good w/ the bad. I don't feel judged in here. It helps me to be a Real person & confront this grief walk head on!!! I think in walking thru the uncomfortable days(when a big WAVE hits) and sharing it w/ others in here..I gain knowledge from their experiences on this walk; plus I am blessed when I feel their prayers for me ; it helps me to work thru the discomfort of A Wave (or just sit w/ it). So..I hope you keep coming to this thread & share w/ us WHERE-Ever you are at emotionally, spiritually etc.. You will get lots of acceptance from people in here..even if you're on a pink cloud & don't want to ruin that feeling..we'll still be here :-)

Blessings,

Diane

[diane1234]

All,

I also wanted to agree w/ Carol on having Photo's around. I couldn't deal w/ them for the 1st 3 months after Harv died. Yet , for the past few months I find it a cathartic experience gathering old photo's of him & creating an online albulm for my family. I also have been able to finally put pic's of our B-day party last June in Frames & look @ them (our joint parties would have been held this upcoming weekend). It's bittersweet for me to view last June's Birthday pic's; but I need to see him singing & waving his arms in my photo's. It is helping me to have a different kind of B-day celebration this year(for the first time in my life). I'm chosing a Birthday celebration of peace & beauty this year. Enough from me :-)

G-d Bless,

Diane

[robertssister]

Hello Girls, I pray your having a good day! My week was busy I had to go see if I was going to be on a jury . I thought it was only Monday that I had to go but it was all week. On tuesday I was one of the people called up to the court room along with 27 other people to see about being on a jury . Well when I got up there they had ask for any reason does any one think they cant set on a jury for personally reasons such as you would get sick. I raised my hand. I get VERY sick when I'm doing things Im not used to doing. well as the lawers SP? were talk the Judge called me to his Bench Boy was I scared I have never been in trouble for anything He ask me Question about how I get sick then he told me I could leave and didnt have to come back. :):) Im going to send that man a card or something. Well anyways , didnt mean to go on about that but I was glad I got out of jury duty. He said he they didnt want people to get sick just because they were on a jury and so thats why I got to go.

I will be leaving today for NY after work. My brother Daniel and his girlfriend will be up home for her bridal shower. we will be back Sunday night.

Clauida did you get any mail from me yet??? I guess I should have just brought it over my self:) I would love to meet you all some day. I think of you as family. Have a great week end .

In Christian Love,

Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Barb, I'm so glad the judge set you free. You don't need that kind of stress.

Honestly, Barb, I have not been in Quito since the last time you asked about the mail. I have been working here at our place; had a lot to do before the last group visited, then Michael went to the jungle with them and just got home yesterday afternoon. I am preparing for my friend Amanda who is arriving tomorrow night, and will be going to Quito to get her. I don;t know if I will get to the post office with so little time Saturday, BUT we will be in Quito a lot over the next two weeks as we have another group arriving on the 16th and will be working with them in Quito for a few days while they are here. I'm sure I can get to the post office at some point during that time. I'm so sorry it's taking me so long. It's one of those things that I WISH you could have come to deliver yourself. Wouldn't that be nice? I hope you have a lovely time back home this weekend. I'll be thinking of you.

Jackie, I miss you. Please know not a day goes by that you aren't in my thoughts and prayers multiple times daily. I've been reading a book by John Piper called the Fight for Joy--part of the Desiring God series of books. I've been reading it for about three months, little snippets at bedtime for devostional kind of meditation. Well, I finished it last night, and I think the last two chapters were the best and that the last chapter was profound. I wish the whole book could have been more relative to my struggles with depression. If you get a chance to have some quiet time at your local Christian bookstore, find a copy of the book and a comfortable chair in a quiet area and read that last chapter. I sincerely think something in that chapter will speak deeply into your heart.

Hi Diane. Hope you had a good week. I loved the photos by e-mail from you and Jackie. You girls are always maming me smile.

Carol, Thinking of you. Haven't seen you here a lot, but I keep you in my prayers. Are you reading any good books lately? I am ready to move on to my next literary adventure...

God bless you all my dear friends and sisters in Christ. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Of course I meant to type "making" me smile. Such an odd type--maming, huh? LOL!!

[ohamydear]

HI All! Sorry it's been so long since my last post. Life here is C-R-A-Z-Y! As the only caregiver for Claudia & her son, I feel like I never have time to myself. As Claudia is losing function I have less & less time to myself.

ANyway, I'm asking prayer for me the week of June 28th. That is day my brother (and Barbs) died last year. I am sure my family thinks I came back here and life just "went on" but the fact is, I think about all the things I've missed since moving away all those years ago and miss my brother more than anyone know.

The prayer is needed because Claudia's mom & sister are coming into town that week. I encouraged A visit because it needs to be done. Claudia is progressing and they need to say something to each other while they can.

Cluaida's sister is um... a challenging person... I've worked with the family 15 years and never met her. Her life is very different from ours and I am very very different from her... I wouldn't put in a pool for my dogs!

Anyway, I suspect it iwll be a challenging week and with the thoughts of where I was a year ago at that time, I need God to keep my mouth shut more than usual... Yes Barb... it can be done. By the way God loves you and I do too.. (Joke from childhood)

Keep Claudia in your prayers she fell yesterday. Scared us all. We live in a 2 story home and I worry more and more each day what will happen. We are looking for housing but there are some financial issues in play that are keeping this from happening.

Duty calls.

Thanks for you prayers.

Amy - Indiana

www.claudiasfamily.com

[jackiewitter]

Hi all...I have missed you. I got my emails, Diane & Barb, passed them onto Audrey. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. I hope all is well with you Claudia, I have not heard from you. I posted earlier this week, but it was on that new forum that was up one day and gone the next, evidently it didn't retain my post. I don't have much to say, just wanted to drop by and check on you all. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week and a wonderful weekend coming up. It's hot as blue blazes here! Peace and blessings, Jackie

[robertssister]

Jackie and other Girls Hello I hope your all doing well. I'm doing good I had a good weekend up home. We are going back up this weekend too. On Saturday we are going to a dinner and a dedication to my brother Robert. Robert was on a Christian camp board and the men on the board are dedicating a Big Noah's Ark play ground set in his memory. It was something that Robert had ask the camp to start a fund for so the kids at camp could have more to play on. And when Robert died Jen my S I L had people send there donations to camp to go towards that play ground set. So this is a Big deal . I can't wait to go . If you all will email me I will send you pic. when I get back I've tried to send pic to you all from the address I get off from here but they wont go through so I thought if you just emailed me then I would try again.

We will get back on sunday we leave friday after I get out of work. then next wednesday we will be leaveing till July 8th our boys and Roberts son are all in a 3 on 3 basketball team and they will play other teams on July 7th - the 8th Robert in the past sponcered the boys to play but this year my dad will be doing it. I'll let you know how it goes. well I'll chat with you all later . have a good night .

In Christian love,

Barb

[diane1234]

Hi All,

I'm in sunny florida this week. Tomorrow is Harvey's Birthday(he'd be 53).It's the first Birthday since his death. I'm going to do a tashlich in the ocean in honor of him w/ my husband. I haven't had any sadness yet surrounding this day. I'll let you all know how it goes. Barb, that's nice about the playground. Claudia,did you get hold of Nena? Jackie,I send a smile your way

:-)

G-d Bless,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

I'm still with you all, mostly in thought and prayer, as we've been swamped with visiting mission groups and projects--to go on for another few weeks. My days have been hard and long, getting up at about 5:30 and going to bed after midnight most nights--buzzing around non-stop from the time I wake till my head hits the pillow. Michael got a new puppy, a little female mini schnauzer (named Adie), who isn't sleeping all night yet. That's keeping me running as well. I'll try to keep up with you all. But if you don't hear from me for a while, don;t worry. All is well. Love you all, Claudia

[chiestand]

hi, dorpping by to say hi. I looks like there are some anniversaries and special events coming up. I know one of you had a birthday for your brother today. I am so bad ar remembeming what i read by the time i get here and post. I remember the first birthday for my brother was only 3 months later and i manages to ignore that one. the next one, i had my best friends come over and spend the evening with me - and be together and thank them for their support. that was really good.

God bless us all...carol

[jackiewitter]

Hi ladies! It's very exciting to see that everyone is so buzy. As hard as it is, we seem to be moving on, always carrying their precious memories with us. Barb,I think it is wonderful about the dedication, Robert is most certainly proud. I am so glad you are getting to spend some of the summer with your family. Claudia, watch yourself not to overdo it! I miss you, so get your work done and hurry back! Diane, I hope you were able to celebrate Harvey's birthday with joy. I think I had such problems with Jeffreys birthday because of the timing, everything seemed to hit at once. I hope next year we will be able to plan a special outing to honor him. Carol,thanks for the kind thoughts and words. I think we all deal with the anniversaries as best as we can, it's just so nice to be able to come here and share. I love you all and wish you a wonderful weekend. Peace and blessings. Jackie

[ohamydear]

Hi everyone! Barb and my family are probably currently at the service to dedicate the playground my SIL had funds donated for in my brothers name. I wish I could be there. I've thought about them all, all day long.

Working with Christopher (age 10 & Autistic) over the past year has been hard but rewarding, especially as his mom's health declines. My brother's death has been used of God in many ways. Christopher has been asking about Heaven a lot lately. He wants to know if mommy will talk/walk better. If she will still cough. He feels better knowing "Uncle Robert" is there and will be there welcome her. He's also very excited that many of the Gaither Homecoming Old people will be there so she can sing with them in their choir. LOL. (Southern Gospel Music)

I think about each of you as various events happen in our lives. Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. Know that you all are in my prayers. I hope you are able to find some joy in each day that passes, even though it may difficult. I have found thinking about Roberts smile or how he would have laughed at something crazy or right down stupid I maybe doing, helps me get through somedays.

I need to run. Blessings to all.

Amy

www.claudiasfamily.com

[bbarbie55]

You are so blessed and I hope you keep on giving. You have made my day.

I'm usally on adult children but I check here to see if my daughter came here to share her grief over her sister. She hasn't yet I do hope she reads this site it will help her.

Deb

[diane1234]

Hi All,

I just got back from Sunny Florida. I made it thru Harvey's first Birthday (June 14th)since he went to Heaven. My husband and I spent a lovely day on the 14th doing all of the things we felt Harv would've enjoyed. I'm grateful for the ablity to honor my brother in the ways we did. All in all , the 14th passed w/ out fanfair & I'm glad I have a year until the next Birthday.

I also was glad to spend the past 10 days in a healing place for me. I found that the sun,sea & being on an island(we went to Marco Island for most of our trip)was a needed break for my spirit. I hadn't traveled since Harvey died and I needed to recharge my batteries. It was a spiritual retreat for me.I felt like I spent time in yet another G-d's paintbrush moments(the waters were crystal blue,sand was a pure white & the lush tropical vegetation was beautiful).I recommend it for ALL. I hope everyone else had a blessed week too.

G-d Bless,

Diane

[robertssister]

Hello Everyone,

Please Pray for me and my family . As you know we went to Ny last week end to go to camp and be there for the dedication for Robert. Well , I found out yesterday that my Sister in law Jen told our dad On saturday the BIG DAY and a day before FATHERS Day and a week before the 1 Year ann of Robert passing that she had a Date tomorrow. My heart is breaking she met the man on line a month ago he lives in MD and he is driving up there to see her tomorrow. She has yet to tell me my sister told me about it . I'm not happy . I would have understood if it was in August or September that she was going to tell us this but NOT in June and not when she did.Oh I dont even know what to think . My parents must be hurting so bad. I guess the mans a Christian But to meet someone face to face after only 1 month. If my twin sister had done that Jen would have been tell her she was crazy. and I know my brother would say the same thing.

I understand that people move on and I'm ok with that But Not 12 months after Robert dies she said oh were just friend maybe thats all we will ever be. but what if its more then she wants to do the Lords will for her life. And dont get me wrong I want Jenn to be in the Lords will I just think It is toooooo sooon for her to be throwing this all in our faces. PLease Please Pray for me and my Family. I leave for Vacation tomrrow So I'll try and check in .

And our 13th Ann is Monday and I dont feel like I can be happy abut it because Ive been told so much from my sister that you have a husband you dont know how we feel . So I feel guilty for being happy on our day Please pray . thanks my dear friends .

Barb

[jackiewitter]

Barb, I am so very sorry for you. No matter when it happens, that has to be hard on the family. Even though it's unrealistic, you still expect everyone to morn forever. My father told me once that people who were happy in marriage will often marry again and marry quickly after the loss of a spouse. I guess you could take that as a good sign. Now I have to wonder why my father said that, he was a fireman, not a psychologist????? I wish there was something I could say that would help ease the pain. Please know that my prayers are with you and with your parents, and of course too with your sister-in-law. I pray she listens to God's direction. You have my number & email, call if you need to talk.

Diane....

You need to run to PA & grab Barb for some of that R&R, sounds like she could use it. I am so glad that all went well on Harvey's birthday. It can be a wonderful time to reflect and remember. I am glad that God provided you with yet another beautiful scene. They are all around us, sad that it takes the loss of someone to make us so in tune with our surroundings. But I am glad you and hubby enjoyed it. Thanks too for the pictures of the "falls"; they were beautiful...what a precious young girl too. I'll try to snap some this weekend...

Claudia, I miss you. I hope all is well with you and your husband. Please write when you can. Peace & blessings all my friends, Jackie

[bbarbie55]

Barb

I know it hurts to see some one move on and you can't yet. Iwas and am there. My dad was married to my mom for 30 years and 1 month after shes gone hemoved in with my stepmother and they got married 6 months later. My dad told me he would have died if it wasn't for her.

My son-inlaw now has a friend with 2 children living with him and my daughter hasn't been gone 2 months yet.

So be a little glad she waited a year because in all the deaths I've seen but a few finding someone as soon a possible seems to be the new way.

Hang in there and please don't be harsh on her, I really think of my stepmom as mom now and maybe you can be friends with him.

Deb

[aqua0172]

hi,

my name is mayra and i live in tampa. i'm new to this site but feel that i have so much to talk about. i'm 1 of 3 siblings, now it's just me and my mom. in 1993, when i was 21, my brother died at 20 (we were a year, 3 mos. apart). he was using a payphone and someone came up and shot him for his car. at the time i had another brother who was only 10 when this happened. just recently jan. 2007, i had found him the next morning dead in his room of an accidental drug overdose. he was only 23. besides losing my 2 brothers, i had also lost my father in 1999, from a heart attack. i thought i was depressed before, but now that i have lost my baby brother, i don't know what to do! i just don't understand why all this bad stuff has happened already and i'm only 35!

[butterfly7608]

I have lost a brother to suicide.It will be two years in August 2007.He was 32yrs old.He and I were both adopted as infants.So I have known him my whole life.Jeremy was married with two little girls and a bay on the way.Now his girls are 4yrs old and 5yrs old and Maizie will be two years old in October 2007.Jermy owned his own buisness.

[butterfly7608]

I have lost a brother to suicide.It will be two years in August 2007.He was 32yrs old.He and I were both adopted as infants.So I have known him my whole life.Jeremy was married with two little girls and a baby on the way.Now his girls are 4yrs old and 5yrs old and Maizie will be two years old in October 2007.Jermy owned his own buisness.

[diane1234]

Mayra & Butterfly,

I'm sorry to hear of both of your losses. I lost my only older brother "Harvey", this past Nov.'06 (I have 2 sisters & my folks still here).It was an unexpected death for my family(he went in for a rountine surgery & never woke up).I thought I would never survive the grief ride that his death brought on in my heart(Harvey is the first death in my immediate family). However, in the month after his death,I found this thread & made some dear friends in here. They allowed me to be myself & openly discuss my emotions(anger, sadness, numbness,Etc...)and my faith(lack of it,hopelessness & finding a G-d of my understanding again).You will find that just sharing like you both did & reaching out to people who have walked this walk; you gain insight into grief,recovery & honoring the lives of our loved ones who went to Heaven first.I am truely grateful for the women of this thread who have helped me(Claudia,Jackie,Barb,Carol & everyone else here). There is wisdom and painful honesty here.So, welcome & keep letting us know how you're doing.

Blessings,Diane

[robertssister]

Hello! all Just wanted to say hi to you and that I miss talking to you all. My sister in law told the guy that it wasnt going to work out so he isnt coming up any more. She has yet to say anything to me about the man. But at least he will not be up here for tomorrow. Tomorrow is the 1 year Ann . Of Roberts death.Please pray for Jen and the kids and my parents . I'm staying at my parents tonight all seems well. I bought a arrangment of flowers to leave at the acc.site. then were all going to breakfast. Thanks for all your prayers hope all of you are doing well.

In Christian love,

Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Barb, We received your package...and THANK YOU so very much for your thoughtfulness. I love the stone! All is well here. We've been crazy busy with guests here. We have a medical team arriving Tuesday, so we'll be busy for a while yet. Just wanted to say hi to all and that I think of you all daily in my prayers. Love to all, Claudia

[diane1234]

Barb & All,

I wish you peace on the anniversary of Robert's passing. I hope your day passes honoring the legacy of your Beloved Brother :-)Hope all's well w/ everyone.

Blessings,

Diane

[jackiewitter]

Barb, my thoughts are with you also today. I hope that you find peace and happiness in the memories you shared. Know that my prayers are with you and all of your family.

Claudia, it's so good to see your typing again! I hope that all is well. Sounds like you have been quite buzy. Take care of yourself!

Diane, you posted nothing exciting like you usually do, have you slowed down a bit for the summer? Strange how things just seem to continue on. I am finding so much more peace, but I have continued to pray daily that the Lord will use me in some way that is needed. I know that everything that has happened was in His design, I just want to make sure that I am open to what He is showing me.

I love you all and hope the summer continues to find happy days ahead. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[gratefulfamily]

The year before I lost my brother was complicated. He wasn't going to finish high school, my parents just got divorced and my dad was just laid off. I got a job and an apartment and supported my dad and bro. I helped him in school, found him a program that would help him finish and he graduated. He started traveling, going to music festivals and making friends across the country. He would come home to sleep in a warm bed and I would make him his favorite meals. We were very close, we got through our parents difficult divorce together and I supported him with every decision he made, there weren't a lot of people in this world that would do that for him and I know he appreciated it.

My father eventually got a job after about a year of searching, he moved to Minneapolis, my mother was living near her family in Cleveland. About a week after dad started his new job, November 7, 2006, the police showed up at my door. They found my brother, he had been shot in a parking lot in the early hours of the morning. They took me in for questioning which seemes ridiculous to me. I will never forget when the cop asked me if I had something to do with all of this. I was shocked. What is even more painful is that when he was flipping through some pages in his file I caught a glimpse of a corner of the scene photos. It wasn't much, just hair and blood, but that image is burned into my mind. I got home at about 1 or 2 in the morning after that, my friends were there to support me. The next morning my father called, he didn't know yet. He could tell there was something wrong by my voice and I had to tell him what happened. Later that day I would have to call my mother and tell her. Later my father had to go to the funeral home that my brother was transported to because he wanted to see him. I drove him there and waited upstairs. I remember hearing my fathers wails as he held his son for the last time. He was so weak afterwards I had to help him to the car and drive us home.

We had two services for him. One was here in our home town so all of his friends could say goodbye. It was non-traditional, there was no viewing, it was more of a gathering of people that loved him. The second was for my mother who is very religious. It was a traditional wake and service. During the viewing I stayed out of the room, I couldn't see my brother like that, I had too many good memories of him smiling at me, I didn't want to replace them with the image of him in a box. He is buried in Cleveland near my mother becuase she needed him to be near her.

The reason I am writing into this forum is because I have no one to turn to. I cannot talk to my mother because she is religious and every discussion about my brother turns into this big god talk. That is what works for her, I am glad she has religion, but it doesn't work for me and I need help I don't need to explain why I don't believe in god. I cannot talk to my dad because it hurts him too much. The other day I received my brothers death certificate in the mail and, being stupid, I read it. I tried to talk to my dad about it and he is as supportive as he can be but he is going through his own pain. The next day he told me he couldn't sleep all night because he kept thinking about Bernie. I just don't want them to suffer so I just don't talk to them about it. My friends are young, all around my age, 26, and none of them have had any experiences like this. It is hard to talk to them and explain how I am feeling when they will never understand. I saw a therapist for a while but it didn't help. She had me talking about my past and all this other stuff. Sure I have problems but the one that I needed help with was grieving and we never got to that.

So I am trying to go about my normal life but it is hard. I feel like so much was taken from me and no one will ever understand what it feels like. My heart hurts, I always thought that your heart had nothing to do with your feelings but it hurts and I can't make it stop. I have so many dreams about him, every time all I can do is hug him. I feel like everything I do is missing something. I feel so lonely, he was supposed to be there with me forever, when our parents die, when I get married, for every holiday, he was supposed to be there.

Will this ever end? How am I supposed to feel normal again. There is a part of me missing and I can't ever get it back. How do people move on after something like this happens? All I think about are his last moments. Was he in pain, was he afraid, did he think of me? It tears me up inside. Now there is a trial, the kid is on a 3 million dollar bond so he won't be getting out soon but they keep having continuance after continuance. Its like this thing will never end and I just want it all to be over. Why do the courts let this happen? Why do they let them drag this on forever as my family tries to grieve?

I just need some advice. What do I do to make this pain go away? How do I feel complete again? I have no one to talk to.

Perhaps this is too long, no one seemed to reply to my message on the sudden/violent loss thread. I am just hoping to get some advice from those that have gone through this.

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Lots of new posts tonite. Jackie, I'm still trying to get back to normal after being away for 10 days! I wish I could move permantly to a vacation spot;then I get home,reality sets in & it's back to work! I did think of Harvey alot while I was in Florida. I guess I'm in a little funk still from our 1st B-days not together. I thought I was doing the serenity thing & doing a geographic cure; however, I'm suffering from the effects of an emotional hangover this week(more like a grief hangover).I keep passing these Green meadows on the way home from work & I think of him(and how much I will always miss my big brother).I guess I'm riding those WAVES Carol talked about again. I know this will pass; yet I've been in a yucky place this last week.So, I will keep on riding these waves until they get quiet again. Hope all's well w/ everyone. I just don't have it to give tonite :-( Say a prayer for me.

Thanks,

Diane

[Guest Guest]

I lost my sister on April 24th of this year. I've heard about this website and kept meaning to join and check it out, but never got around to it. My father passed away on June 22nd. I figured it was time to let some grief out. It was just my dad, my mom, my sister and me. My mother is very religious and she seeks solace in her church. It's not that I don't believe in God, I simply don't like the guy. He's never done anything to make my life easier so when I talk to her its just irritating to me. I don't have anybody else to talk to.

I had to do all the planning for my father's funeral because my mother and father have been divorced for fifteen years. It wasn't until my father's death that my sister's actually sunk in. I have never felt so alone. My sister had Hodgkins Lymphoma. She passed away after two years of fighting so hard, due to complications from pneumonia.

I've never felt pain like this before and there's no one that I've ever been as close to as my sister. It's been a little over two weeks, but it's harder now with my father gone too. I guess this is just to see how much it helps to talk to people who know...

[bbarbie55]

Guest

Religion doesn't help and after the first few days there is no one there and you only have your memories and all the pain. Church isn't the answer and I know I should find peace in God but it doesn't come. I have no one to be there either I hurt and I try not to show it but it hurts so bad and I don't know how to act with my child.

No religion is going to take the hurt away from losing a daughter or an ex husband I still did care for him very much and it hit me hard.

I lost my child and I know a sister who was like a mother to her sister and now shes gone I can't help you because I'm not doing good myself.

You don't see me cry and wish I was dead, you don't see me that way and it happens about twice a day. My God didn't answer my prayer and I've been mad and I think its my fault she is gone. I feel the same way about your dad.

I'm sorry if you think I'm religious and I've dealt with this your wrong. I don't know how to deal I just want it all to end and I feel like I'm on the outside of my own family.

D

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Girls! I'm back but only for a short time. I'm home until Tuesday when we have a medical team arriving in Quito and I'll be going back there to work for a week. I wish i could say I'm relaxing, but we left here with a team last week just after breakfast and there's so much work to do around here just washing towels and sheets. But it's all good. Michael got a new puppy, so she's been keeping me busier as well--a miniature Schnauzer named Adie--3 months old. She's been good company for little JoJo, my one year old Shi Tsu.

I'm so sorry to see the new folks here that are hurting so much. Joey will be gone for a year on July 31st. I talked with my son Patrick last night and we both feel his absence. It feels so strange. The other day i saw a boy about 16 or so standing on a corner. As we passed by i couldn't help but notice that his body posture and his features were so much like Joey's at that age. It's the first time that has hapeened since Joey has been gone. It made me sad and was a cruel reminder of how much he is missed here.

I think "religion" in general is not the answer for pain. Too much religion is "organized" and the focus is bent. For me, I don't rely on people or the church for comfort. People fail me because they are just people. It's an unrelaistic expectation of me to think anyone can fill the void where Joey stood or that they can help to wipe away the pain. People who I have known to be solid Christians have not been there for me, and continue to pull away a little at a time. It's just life in the flesh. I find when I am focused on the things of the Spirit I am comforted, and that is the only place I find relief. I have healed tremendously over the past 11 months, but that does not mean I still don;t feel pain and emptiness regarding Joey. I think I will feel that for my entire life. He was my baby, my son, my buddy and a huge piece of my life. He still is. I just have to wait and go on until we are reunited for eternity. That's the hardest part of life--going on with such a void. I don't want to walk on egg shells and not share because others may not agree. I've witnessed too many works of God right in front of me to ignore Him or suggest that His power is insignificant in this world. I am a full time missionary, and I have seen spiritual and bodily healing in front of my eyes. I have witnessed demonic oppression and I have seen darkness lifted. If I were clueless or didn't know what I know of God I would be scared out of my mind. But I forge ahead, doing what I am called by God to do despite that it doesn't always feel good or comfortable. In doing this I find peace, and it's hard to explain that to folks that don't believe or have such anger and hatred for the One who created us and the universe. In fact it's impossible. I don't take that personally though, and I hope that folks don't take it personally that I do believe and that I share my grief and the way I cope based on what I see and know to be directly from God. It has nothing to do with religion that I know with 100% certainty that I will see Joey again, that he has died only from the world but not from eternity. My hope is in knowing the promises of God. If I relied only on what feels good or right in my opinion I would be lost and hopeless, and certainly disillusioned in my friends--especially my Christian friends who have all but abandoned me for something as simply stupid as thinking loss is contagious or for not knowing what to say after a couple of months have passed and I still have grief and pain. But I refuse to give in to that. I don;t think God caused Joey's death, and while there are many things I could blame myself for, I don't feel I am responsible for his death either. It was just his time to part--a time chosen well before he existed. Nothing anyone could have said or done would have changed that. I whole heartedly believe that. So what do I do with this? I decided to study everything that God says about death, life, pain, creation, sin, the world, the fallen world, mankind, the heart, grief--you name it, I studied it. In thinking I might find some answers to help me through my loss and pain what I really found was insight into the character of God. He certainly can be convicting and full of wrath. But at the same time He is merciful and loving, full of grace and wisdom and endless desire for our delight in Him. I've asked myself many times, "how am I supposed to delight in a God that didn't save my son from death?" And then I looked into that question as well. I found that he did save Joey from death, but it's a spiritual death He promises to save us from if we choose Him--not a worldly death. That's too difficult for my finite mind to grasp, even in the lifestyle and place where I am today. I believe it though with all my heart, and in trusting that everything He claims in His word and everything He promises, I am finding peace and comfort--and only through that do i believe I ever could find peace and comfort, and even joy again. I've seen way too much to ignore, but it's only because I've completely opened my heart and mind, and I looked for it. I looked earnestly for Him. I had a lot of blame, anger and fear when I began searching for the answers. And while I don;t have a lot of answers still and may never have them in this life, I have HOPE of a life spent with Him and with my Joey beyond this life. There is nothing that can bring comfort and peace more than knowing with certainty that death in the flesh and from this world is not the end. It's merely the beginning of a different journey--an eternal one. I know not everyone can or will believe this. And I will not jam things down people's throats, because that in my opinion stinks. But I will continue to share my journey of healing and growth through my personal relationship in Christ (who IS God), and in that maybe others will find strength and healing as well. My sharing is for those that want to receive. For those that don't, please don't take personal offense. I am a lonely missionary working my life in the battle field of pain, injustice, death, poverty, fear and everything you can possibly imagine. I am human and I ache and bleed just like everyone else. The diffference for me is in living it and not closing my eyes to it. In that God is showing me amazing insights into life, death, pain, poverty, grief, healing, light, mercy, grace, peace, joy, and definitely into His character. But the only way I have been able to reach this point is by taking the lid off of the box I kept God in for most of my life. He isn;t the all-fluffy, always light and breezy God I thought He was. He is the God who commanded the days and the nights, and the heavens and the stars in the sky. he is the God who created me for a specific purpose even though I may not always like His intentions for my life because I am a finite human mind. And he is the God that said "I will never leave or forsake you". And He never left me. He didn;t forsake me in Joey's death. He merely called Joey home to the same place he will call me when my day comes. In that I have confidence and peace. It isn't perfect, but it isn;t promised to be perfect here. It's promised to be perfect THERE.

For those of you in pain, I am so sorry for what you feel and are going through. I pray that everyone here finds some sort of healing in time. May the love and blessings of memories past help to carry you and sustain you in the darkest of times. Blessings and much love, Claudia--4everJoeysMom

[diane1234]

Claudia,

Amen to your post! I too,live for the HOPE of a better tomorrow(and a someday seeing Harv's smiling face again). I believe in a G-d of my understanding; not of the religon of my birth, yet of the spirit in my heart(which is Messianic). To the new guests, know that most of us in here were where you're at now(in my case , it took me a few months to let go of my anger @ G-d). Through this thread & recommendation of strong spiritual women(like Claudia)..I remembered my way back to G-d. I had to find forgiveness in my soul & let go of the anger I was holding onto over the HOW of Harvey's death(I had to stop blaming others-especially the doctor who operated on him).I wish everyone a peaceful weekend.

Huggs,

Diane

[bbarbie55]

Claudia

Thank you you said what I couldn't. But you see guest is my lovely daughter and I'm not the best mom to her and its tearing me up shes all I got left. You see I don't rely on religion but on God. I guess I'm not a mom to her as much as her big sister was.

I really wish I hadn't lost Bobbi and maybe I could be close to guest and maybe she wouldn't seem to hate me.

I'm crying as I type so don't mind how it looks.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Deb & Guest, Often times grief overrides our abilities to see and feel how much others care for us in our pain, especially family, because each of us grieves so differently and each of us feels such a heavy void that we want so badly for our remainig loved ones to be able to fill--especially our spouses, children, siblings and parents. But when we don't "feel" like that loved one is meeting us in our need and our pain we withdraw in thinking that's the appropriate solution that will help us to carry on and eventually feel better. The reality is that we become so needy of comfort and something that feels whole again and we place oursleves on a threshhold that no one else can reach, no matter who that person is. It's unfortunately the nature of deep pain and grief. You both are in so much pain, and you said it Deb, you are all that each other has left, yet the distance continues to grow. maybe it's because you haven't always been the mom you think you could or should have been. Maybe it's that Bobbi filled a void where your other daughter no longer depended on you as her mom. Maybe there has been a communication gap for a very long time. maybe it's a combination of all of these things. But in my experience, as much as we want to find a place to lay blame and vent our anger toward one another, none of that brings us to healing. You both need each other now more than ever, and yet you cannot find the fork in the road to meet each other half way and join hearts. I pray that one day you can for the sake of both of you, because you are all that is left for each other in terms of the common bond of sister, daughter, father and husband--even if he was an ex. I have been divorced from Joey's dad for some 20 years now, but I still care very much for him as a man and as the father of my two sons--Joey and Patrick. I never stopped caring even though once I stopped being his wife I became an outsider to decisions and so forth within his life. I know if anything should happen to him the burden would be on my surviving son to handle his affairs, and that makes me sad. But I know Patrick would do everything with respect and great love that he has for his dad. Guest, I empathize and can truly imagine how you must feel, as I know how my son feels being the only one left to carry on without his brother. I live far away from him right now and I miss him terribly, but I also know he is a man now and has many dreams and plans for his life that don;t include his mom taking care of him. That doesn;t mean I don't love him or that he doesn't love me. We do talk often and I value our relationship, as does he. We have come to understand that life is unpredictable, and time is too short to pull away from each other in pain and trying to cope the best way we each know how. I am a missionary a country away from him, but he does not blame me for my vocation or my faith. He respects my individuality and my dedication in what I do. I respect him greatly for the man he has become. At 23 years old he is finding his way and doing a very respectable job at it. Sometimes parents pull back and let our kids spread their wings. It doesn't mean we've abandoned. It simply means that we trust that you kids, while always being our babies, are grown and ready to fly on your own. I remember when I was a young woman in my twenties. Everyone thought I was so strong and together because i had a great career and I was doing well on my own. But inside many times I wished that I didn;t have so much burden and responsibility. At 20-something I still had so much to learn and so much growing to do. I was still afraid sometimes and I needed to know someone was there to catch me if I fell. I couldn;t always rely on my parents during that time. My dad was not very responsible, and my mom was married to a horrible man. It took me years to forgive them both and to heal from the deep wounds in my heart, because the fact is they weren't there for me when I felt I needed them most. Now, at 43, I have a deep and wonderful relationship with each of my parents, and I am grateful for that. Though I can't always relate as I would like with each of them, as no one truly understands my grief in the way that I feel and experience it, I know they are there for me when I need to feel them near. I know you rmom is standing by. She seems fearful and empty, and overwhelmed in grief, just as you are. She, like I and every other grief filled person I have ever met, is trying to find a way to carry on and be strong enough to take her next breath, even when she isn;t sure where that breath is coming from because the pain sits on her heart and chest like 200 tons of unidentifiable matter that she has no way of knowing how to deal with in this moment. Her faith is what keeps her breathing and alive, even if it's a weak faith right now. It's all she has. Maybe you could reach out to her and show her that she still has you. And Deb maybe you could take the high road and share your deepest heart with your surviving daughter. If you haven't been the mother she needed and needs now, you are still breathing and alive to make a diffrence now. But you both have to give an inch here and there. It's only more difficult to wait and expect the other to come forward. It's lonely and painful, and life is too short to wait. Maybe you could both see a counselor together and work through the pain and the issues of your estranged relationship. It may not seem like it to each of you, but you are both crying out for mercy and love. And you are both still mother and daughter, and equally capable of giving compassion and grace, and love and mercy to one another. If you think you can't, then consider what inside yourself is holding you back. There is no one like a mother. And there is no one like a daughter. And it's so very sad to see a mom and daughter not come together in the worst of times for each of you. I don;t profess to be an expert on relationships and love. But I do know that I would give just about anything to have my son Joey back. And I know you both feel the same way about Bobbi. THAT is your common bond. Honor her in that and don't let that bond die. It is what is left here to say that Bobbi was here and a part of each of you. You could go on walking seperately. But then it would be like splitting Bobbi in two along with her memory. I pray that you both can find healing in your relationship. I believe that in that you will find personal and individual healing with regards to losing Bobbi as well. It's totally up to each of you, and no one can do it for you. Isn't her memory worth being WHOLE and SHARED?? I pray you find that one day. You both are crying out, but you are looking past each other. Let Bobbi's love for each of you live on by working toward mending and healing the bond that a mother and daughter should share. In that you would bring honor to everything she meant to each of you and to you both collectively. I'll be praying for you both. Hugs and love, Claudia (Joey's Mom)

[mamabets]

GOD is a really good guy...He has never proven to be anything but, in my opinion...Life can be very cruel, not GOD...Amen to all that Claudia has said~ From my heart to all of yours, may I ditto her twice!!

xoxoxmamabets

[annabanana]

Hi... I was reading something that really put things into perspective for me and wanted to share it. It went something like this...

A woman was talking to a friend about the sudden death of her son with such pain and sadness for the way he died.

This person reminded her of something.....

She said, " Remember jan Rick only went through this pain ONE time . You on the other hand keep replaying the scene over and over therefore torturing yourself. remember he only went through this once.

its hard to do but 1 thing i am trying to stop. replaying the last moments of my brothers life.

Not sure why it impacted me so much. I guess those were the words I needed to hear after I lost my brother to an overdose of methadone,xanax, and zoloft. Somehow those words comforted me.

(((HUGS))) to all of you who are going through such hard and painful times. When I had my daughter with Downs syndrome 9 years ago I remember reading this poem by Emily Perl Kingsley. I would like to share it with you all cause it relates to all things that have changed our lives forever. Here goes. (((HUGS))) Stephanie

by

Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

http://christopher-conger.memory-of.com/

(Post ID: 50322)

[diane1234]

Anna & All,

Thank you for those lovely passages. They were so very touching.Amen to the great stuff on this thread(I just read everything tonite..after we got home from a GREAT Fireworks display). I'm still in my weird flat place tonite emotionally. Yet I'm hoping to snap out of it soon.

Blessings,

Diane

[jackiewitter]

Stephanie - That was beautiful. I really loved the way that it put things in perspective. I certainly had not planned on going to Holland either! We watched the fireworks from the docks, my grandson was all decked out in his Hawaiian shirt (so cute at a 12mo size) and his dad (my son-in-law) was wearing a Hawaiian shirt of my brother's. I had forgotten he took some of my brother's clothes after Jeff passed away. It caught me by surprise and brought a fresh round of tears, but then I thanked him for wearing it and in a sense bringing Jeffrey to watch the fireworks with us. I have had to bring out some pictures, for some reason I am having a hard time bringing a picture of his face to my mind, I have to search for a while and then finally it comes. I don't want to forget and that is what I am afraid of. As time goes on he is no longer the ONLY thing on my mind, it makes me a little sad. He has been the fore front of my life over the past year and as I am moving past that, it brings on new fears. I think I know where you are Diane. It almost seems like my grief is subsiding somewhat and I am afraid of that. Weird is probably the best discription, a little unsettling. It seems as we get closer to the 1 year mark, I wonder what is next. Cling to my Rock, right.

So, my prayers are with you as always, and Claudia, Barb, Carol and Stephanie. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[robertssister]

Claudia,

Hello! Amen to everthing you wrote . God has been my truist Friend and Guide Im not sure where I would have been if I didn't have God as my Lord and Savior. God has helped my family and friends all deal with the death of my brother and the death of my brother in law and other family friends.

With in the past year and ahalf. God Is so good and I will pray for all of you who Dont believe God as your Lord and Savior.

My family and I just past our 1st year with out Robert and things went well. and my brothers son and my sons just played in a 3on3 basketball game and things went well even though the boys did not win they still had fun . My brother and I did this together so it was a little hard to be there without him but I just remembered the fun we had together.

We are leaving to go home tomorrow morning we have been away 2 in a half weeks boy it will be nice to be HOME. Im Sorry for your loss to the new onces. I will pray for you.

In christian love,

Barb

[robertssister]

Claudia,

Hello! Amen to everthing you wrote . God has been my truist Friend and Guide Im not sure where I would have been if I didn't have God as my Lord and Savior. God has helped my family and friends all deal with the death of my brother and the death of my brother in law and other family friends.

With in the past year and ahalf. God Is so good and I will pray for all of you who Dont believe God as your Lord and Savior.

My family and I just past our 1st year with out Robert and things went well. and my brothers son and my sons just played in a 3on3 basketball game and things went well even though the boys did not win they still had fun . My brother and I did this together so it was a little hard to be there without him but I just remembered the fun we had together.

We are leaving to go home tomorrow morning we have been away 2 in a half weeks boy it will be nice to be HOME. Im Sorry for your loss to the new onces. I will pray for you.

In christian love,

Barb

[annabanana]

Hi... just thinking tonight a lot a lot about my brother. a little manic here too. lol sometimes I smile and laugh and others I am sad as sad can be.uggg the pain just going through it. ya know some days are better than some and today is the "then some" days. His birthday is approaching I dunno just reminders. good sad all heart wrenchingly beautiful cause hes always here in my heart just felt kinda surreal detached today wrote a lot about it and made me feel a heck of a lot better. But still had to say hello. and HUGS steff

[jackiewitter]

Steff, I have also found alot of comfort in writing. I write letters to my brother alot. The only thing that concerns me is that one day my kids will find them and they will think "Mom is nuts" LOL. I ask him how Mom and Dad are, tell him how the kids are, that sort of thing. It's a little weird, but I cannot imagine life without communicating with him somehow. We saw each other almost every weekend and would talk on the phone almost every day. It's just so hard to not have that anymore.

Be prepared for the ups and downs. It seems that I went through about 3 months of really good and thought I was "past" alot of things, but then bam, it hit me just as hard as it first did. I try to move past the sorrow of his not being here with the joy of the knowledge that where he is now one day I too will be with him and Mom and Dad. As long as I am still here, I go on telling his story, reminding the world that I once had a brother that I believed was the greatest thing on this earth. As long as we are here, it is our job to remember and remind all that once walking this earth were great and wonderful brothers. Peace and blessings to you, Jackie

[Guest Guest]

hello. I found my brother dead in bed in March (on my birthday) i buried him with our mum. I am so isolated and cant stop crying...cant get the picture out of my mind..i miss him so much...I cant talk to anyone..my kids have left home and are scared to visit me as my brother lived with me..they are scared becdause he died here..I am so isolated it hurts