Loss of a Sibling

[robertssister]

Hello Guest, I'm so sorry for your loss. My brother Robert died on my brother Daniel's Birthday last year 6-28-06 in a car accident. I will pray for you and your family that your kids will come back to visit. If you would like to talk just write to me any time. This is a good place to share your feelings people really do Care.

In Christian Love ,

Barb

[trish47]

thank you for your kind words roberts sister. I am angry at my GP who has forced me to take time off work- i feel this is making me more isolated and i cant stop crying- i have been crying for 2 days and nights now i didnt think someone could cry this much.I am the 'head' of my family so to speak and everyone is keeping away. is this normal? what is normal? i had suicidal thoughts last night and that scared me, wanting to be with my bro.My friends have vanished too! why does this happen when you need people the most they disappear? As i said i am so very very isolated with trying to deal with this loss.i am sorry about your loss. did you have any of these feelings?and do they go away in time? My name is Trish by the way. Thanks so much for taking time for me, i really appreciate it.

[robertssister]

Hello Trish,

I hope your feeling better today ! I wrote to you yesterday I hope you go it. Things will be very hard for you for awhile but trust me it does get better. I will be praying for you.

Hi! to Claudia and Jackie, I hope your doing ok. I havent heard from everyone in a week:( My boys go to camp on monday so it will just be my husband and I at home at week:) I hope the boys have a goo week I'm very worried about them going to camp but they will have fun. talk to you later,

Barb

[trish47]

Hello Barb, yes I got the e mail many many thanks, but I feel worse today--abanded is the only way to describe my feelings, but I am thinking more and more of suicidal thoughts, everything and i mean everything is an effort..i cant sleep,cant stop crying,my kids dont realise how much i am hurting and still they keep away..i dont want to contact them in this state-they have their own lives and are dealing with their loss of an uncle themselves..how many more tears am i going to shed? still crying...so lonely

[robertssister]

Hello Trish, I'm sorry you are still feeling this way. I know grief can be awful and I'm really sorry that your kids don't see that your hurting so badly. May be if you just called one of your children that you feel closer too and just said could you please come over I need your help. Oh I wish I was there to talk to you and help you even if it was to just listen to you. Please feel free to talk any time.

Your friend ,

Barb

[ohamydear]

Hi All,

Life has been crazy and I haven't had a chance to get on the computer for other than essential stuff. Trish, I read your thread with Barb. I do understand what it's like to be alone during the loss of a sibling. I am Barbs sister and I live in Indiana.. My closest relative is 5 hours away. Since last June, i have often felt very alone on this journey of grieving. No one from my church asked how I was doing and most people that know me view me as a strong person so they assume I'm doing OK and have just moved on. I want to encourage you to reach out. Find a support group for those that grieve. Check with a community center, mental health center, or even a local church to see if they offer such a thing. I have not done this because I my job does not allow for time off right now but I know others that have andthey have found it helps them when they feel alone.

I don't know your family situation but maybe your family just views you as a strong. I know I've heard that I didn't really know Robert as an adult so it hasn't impacted me as it has others. WHATEVER!!! I still loved him and his family and grieve his passing. Perhaps your family just needs to know you are hurting.

I will be praying for you to reach out even though it's very difficult. I am trying to do that now as I am working with a dying friend. it's veryhard but I know I can't do this EMOTIONALLY alone.

Duty Calls, I must run. I will try to catch up on the rest of the post later.

Blessings to all.

Amy

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Trisha, My name is Claudia. I post here on this thread because I have made some wonderful and caring friends here thta I hold special and dear, and will for my lifetime. I lost my son Joey last July 31st. It's almost a year now. As I read your post I could feel the same desperation and despair in you that I felt those forst several months. As time went on my closest friends drifted away from communication, and I found myself more and more connecting better with people here who "knew" and understood my pain and my feelings. I look back now and as I knew then and now, I don;t know what I would have done at times without my friends here. Someone was always ready to listen, share, and to give compassion and tender mercy. I remember feeling that I just wanted to throw in the towel. The pain was so profoundly deep that I couldn't breathe at times, and I often just wanted to scream. I just wanted to follow my Joey because I couldn't bear the thought and knowing that he was gone and he wouldn't be coming back. It took some time for me to feel like I could breathe again. I cried so much that on some days I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I couldn't imagine that my heart would hold any joy again. After 4 months I decided to create a memorial website. It kept me busy for a while, findng pictures to post and writing stories and memories of Joey's life. It helped me in ways I didn't know I coudl be helped. I remember feeling desperate not to forget any details about Joey. I began to write down every memory I could think of as they came to me--not all at once, but in spirts. I still close my eyes and have an easier time picturing everyone else I think of much easier than I can picture Joey's face. I think it's still my heart protecting itself from the pain that runs deep in my veins as it pumps through my heart. But I have and continue to find beauty in my life through various events and significant circumstances that have come to be because Joey was here and even through the tragedy of losing him. I would rather have him here--no doubt. But I guess my point for you is to say that pain runs so deep when we experience catastrophic loss in our lives. And that void will always be with us as we grieve our loss and long for the relationships that once were and held value and meaning in our hearts and lives. But in time we find ever increasing moments of cherished love and memories that can make us smile and even laugh again. People say time heals the wound. I don;t know that any amount of time will ever heal my wounds from losing my precious son. But i do know that time dulls the sharpness of the pain, and while there are still tears now and again, they are less frequent and the smiles and ambition to honor Joey in special ways through my life are more dominant now. I am sad as I approach one year without my son. But at the same time I am ever searching for ways in my own existence to continue his in memory, words spoken, actions toward others, and definitely by speaking his name wherever and whenever I feel like it. He was my son, and he will always be my son--just as your brother will always be your brother. They've gone ahead of us and life here is much more comlicated without them. But we can do this. We can continue and carry the spirit of them with us that will sing to the world that we live and love greater because they were and always will be a part of us.

Please reach out to someone nearby that can sit with you and/or help you through your darkest moments. If it means coming here twenty-five or more times a day, then do that too, because someone is always here reading and willing to listen, respond, pray, and so on. I always remind myself that I loved Joey more than anyone else on this Earth. When I am gone his memory will begin to fade away from this world. But while I am here, I will continue to shout to the world and let others know that Joey was here and he will not be forgotten as long as I live.

I am praying for you... Love and Hugs, Claudia

[trish47]

Hi Claudia, thank you so much for the reply.Barb has been talking to me and what a great help this site is. Barb said you are a nice lady and she is right.

But I am soo sorry to say that I have lost any faith I had ever had. I am angry and soo isolated and fed up of my kids and friends keeping away, I can understand the kids-this is their fist experience of death, but I feel abandoned by the people that I thought cared about me.I know reading this sounds so selfish, oh dear me I dont know what I really want to say.Sorry I seem to be rambling, cant make any sense of anything and this crying and crying is wearing me down. I cant be bothered to do anything.Thanks again for taking tme to reply me.Nice to meet the people here.Trish.Love to all.

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish--Everything you say and feel is not rambling. The constant crying does wear us down. I didn't lose faith, but I felt so isolated and angry too for a while. people in my own church withdrew after the immediate shock and first weeks of condolensces wore away, as if I was supposed to just go on the way I was. I think people are afraid when something like this hits so "close to home". It sparks a fear in people that they never dreamed of and they just don't know what to do or say. That doesn't make it right, but I have learned over time to keep my faith in God and not people, because people are just people, weak and frail as much as we are when tragedy strikes. It's like they think it's contagious, and to some degree it's a slap of reality in the face of those who sail along thinking things like this can "never happen to us". We are their reminder that things like this do happen to good people. Our friends don't know what to do when they realize we have changed in an instant. We will never be the person they knew before tragedy struck our lives. And for me, I realized over time that God never abandoned me though most people did at one point or another. It may seem like He isn't there, but He always is and always wants us to draw near and call on Him. Sometimes tragedy like this pushes people farther away from God and other times when there is nothing left but God, tragedy like this draws us into a deeper relationship with Him. That's what has happened to me, and He has brought me much comfort although I can never fully understand in this life why it had to be this way. I can truly relate to how you feel and what you are saying, so don't feel like because you are at a point of faithlessness and despair that we have nothing in common to which anyone here that is clinging to faith and relationship in God wouldn't want to reach out to you and be here for you. We are here for you. And no one here will judge you for what you do or don't feel, so please ramble on as much as you want and need to. You are NOT alone. I know it's hard, especially when those we count on are not there for us in the toughest of times. Please know you have friends here who care. Many prayers and hugs, Claudia

[robertssister]

Hello all Please pray for me this week my boys go to camp I will miss them very much they are always with us so when they go away even to stay with a friend I worry they are crying or that they miss me. Ok I can dream can't I about them missing me. :) We take them to camp tomorrow around 3pm and we dont pick them up till saturday morning.they are 11 and 9 years old it makes me sick to think of them going but I know it will be good for them. Its a christian camp about an hour away.

any ways I would just like your prayer for there safety and for my nerves:)

Trish , How are you doing today I havent seen you on. I've been praying for you that you got a good night rest last night. I'll talk to you all later. your in my prayers

In Christian love ,

Barb

[jackiewitter]

Trish,

I have read thread between you, Barb and Claudia and it is heart-breaking. When we say we feel you pain, it is literal, we feel you pain. Reading your words were almost like a look back over the past 11 months. I can see myself so very clearly in those words.

As a mother, I know your feelings of sharing your pain with your children. My children got so very tired of my sorrow. Not only had they lost their most favorite uncle, they lost parts of their mother as well. I was very open and honest with my kids, I told them when I was sad, I told them when I was angry and I told them when I felt like they should not be having fun because I felt my life had been destroyed. My four kids and I battled this one together, only because I would not allow it any other way. Even when they tried to pull away, I pulled them back. It has to be hard for a child to see their mother in pain but I did not have the emotional energy to try to hide it and as it turned out, the kids saw a more vulnerable mother and they were able to be more open about their pain as well.

I am certainly not making suggestions to you, I am only offering my own experience and wanting you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and your pain. This site has been very beneficial for me by allowing me the opportunity to see that there were other's suffering much the same and that I was not crazy because I couldn't move past the pain. Only time will heal that, and there's no real measurement as to how much time that will take. I pray that God holds you close to him over the coming months and that you will be able to heal with your children. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Barb, Claudia & Diane

Hope you all are well and had a great weekend. I caught 2 sharks this weekend!!! Crazy isn't it. Chris and I went on a fishing trip and I felt Jeffrey close to me the whole trip. I could almost hear him laughing as I reeled in the shark! Claudia, how are you holding up? It's almost been a year now and I don't know about you, but for some reason I am caught up in that anniversary part. It's only a date, and as always it seems like it bears some type of significance. Perhaps I am building myself up for something and I need just prayers to not get over-emotional about a day, right?

I hope that one day we can all get together, it seems like I think of you gals frequently and wonder how your weekends were...all of you have just held such a special place in my heart. A place that no one could ever get near or under-stand and I love you all for it. I hope you all have a fabulous week, and Barb...enjoy some of that peace and quite! Peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Jackie, I'm hanging in there. We've been so crazy busy with teams over the past 6 weeks or so, but the busy season is ending and I am glad for the peace in the moment. I have been thinking so much how quickly a year has gone by, but at the same time I feel a little frozen in time in one area and that area is Joey. It seems so strange that my last memory of Joey alive captures him at almost-24. That young face is frozen in my heart, never to grow older and so on. In some moments I find myself so sorry and sad for myself because of that frozen image. But most times more than not these days I am growing more and more grateful and appreciative in knowing he is with Jesus and how wonderful that must be. As long as I can remind myself that it is "my" desire that he be here instead, and know it is Joey's honor and desire to be where he is now over here, then I am more comforted than sad. Anyway, I am reading a wonderful book Diane sent to me via her friend Nena, called "A Grace Disguised", and it is wonderfully insightful in a godly way, which is something I have longed for ever since my journey of loss began. Otherwise, I am trying to remain positive and hopeful with the 1 year date coming...we shall see. I was excited to read about your shark adventure. How wonderful! Grace and peace to my beautiful friends..love and hugs, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Claudia,

Have you heard of a book called 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper? I was thinking of purchasing it, a friend recommended it to me, but am extremely cautious regarding the subject of near death experiences. This gentlemen is a Baptist Minister and the accident happened about 50 miles from where I grew up so I know the area well. Take a look at it on Amazon and see what you think. I may order one for both of us. I value your opinion greatly, you know that!

Have you talked to Diane, she seemed a little down and I hope that she is okay. I feel somewhat numb, a little anxious. I quit the meds after one month, they just were not working for me. It seems that they did take the "edge" off, but the edge is part of my personality, it's part of who I am. I found myself being indifferent on many things that used to be my passion. So...I'm off and back to being a little edgey. I know what you mean about frozen images...for some reason I have an image in my head, it was from a dream that I had shortly after Jeffrey died, he is smiling and waving to me. He had a beautiful smile, did I ever send you the pictures that my son had scanned? You can access his myspace page using the email warrington1960@yahoo.com if you want to take a look. We had pic's from 1 year old up to the month prior to his death. I love to look at them because he has that beautiful infectious smile. That's what I see. I don't see the hospital images (thank God). God just planted that beautiful smile memory and that's the image that I have. When I think of him and Joey, that's what I see, him with his arm around Joey's shoulder and that big smile he is telling Joey what they are about to get into...those poor people in heaven...all I can imagine is the two of them pulling practical jokes and pranks! I am sure God has a sense of humor!

Know my prayers are with you as we get closer to our 1 year marker; as they have been all along. You are so very right, our desire is that they are with us...but I am quite sure that Jeffrey and Joey's desire is that we be with them there! Much love sent your way. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Jackie, Here are some commentary that I found on the book. While it sounds imaginative and inspiring on some fronts, the lack of Biblical context makes me uninterested in reading it. It's too easy in a vulnerable state to take things as truths, but in Biblical context it doesn't measure up... (just my humble opinion...)

"I don’t know what to make of his story and the lack of Christ being mentioned. I do know what Scripture tells us “to be absent the body is to be present with the Lord” 2 Cor 5:8"

"There are two main points with this book. First, Piper admits that he never saw Jesus. Yet he continues to describe this "heaven" as perfect. If he never saw Jesus, isn't his heaven incomplete. Secondly, he says that there are no songs about Jesus' death or sacrifice (p.31). We know from Revelation 5:9 that there will definitely be songs about Jesus' death. We also know that he promised to share the Lord's Supper with us in the New Kingdom. This book leaves a lot to be desired and is, at some times, down-right heretical!"

"The book is perhaps poorly titled as much of its content deals with the days, weeks, months and years of his recovery, rather than his apparent time in heaven. Some of the pain Piper experienced is sure to move you, as he describes the constant agony he endured while recovering from such an horrific accident.

Seeing the way Piper’s immediate family and his church family cared for him during this time is the greatest strength of this book. It is a challenge to those of us who read it to ensure we are lovingly caring for the (long-term) sick amongst us.

My greatest difficulty however, with this book was not whether or not the author actually went to heaven (in fact it’s probably best not to get caught up in that argument).

Rather my difficultly with Piper’s account was his focus. Too much time is spent on this one man who claims to have come back from heaven and his recovery. For Piper it is all about telling “my story”.

But what about the story of Jesus – his life, his death and his resurrection? Unfortunately this story is largely missing from Piper’s account, when it is this story of Jesus, which ultimately changes lives."

These are all quotes from book rviews from a Biblical standpoint...

Anyway, I'm sure it's good reading as long as context is apporpriately seen for what it is. This isn't a new topic, and there are a lot of books out there by others claining one thing or another when their lives were in limbo. I'm a skeptic about anything that is outside of what God says is Truth. I am, however, finding the book A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser to be Biblical and encouraging.

I'm glad you are taking a journey off the meds for a bit to see how that works out. I'm praying for you Sister! I know it isn't easy... Lots and lots of love and hugs, Claudia

[ohamydear]

I have read the book you mention 90 min. in Heaven after my friend Drew passed away. It is not a book about Heaven so much as a man's brief glimps of Heaven and how it influenced his life as he was healing from injury. It was an easy book to read and gives hope for the future as we walk this journey without our loved one that ther eis a better place. I hope this helps.

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Jackie..it's good to hear you're trying life w/ out the med's. I've been trying that too for about a month(it's been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me). I decided to try Bio-feedback(therapist recommended)this week to deal w/ the anxiety/guilt over Harv's death(yep , I've backslid into guilt again..my will vs G-d's will). Bio-feedback it a method of self-trained relaxation vs medicating one's self(I am trying to get out of Self will run amuck). I guess I'm willing to confront my guilt this week and get off my pity party over NOT sueing Harv's Doctor's(I've been conflicted over the doctor's role in Harv's death again).I think my guilt was also triggered by my upcoming trip to Disney; you know,the one I promised to take Harvey on before he died.I feel like when I went to florida on our B-day's, I was doing a geographic cure @ Marco Island vs.guilt over what I'd promised Harvey(going to Disney). So now, I leave for Disney in 3 weeks. I think I guess this will pass & hopefully I come back to my place of acceptance about Harvey's death(and stop questioning the WHY and blaming myself for not demanding he get a second opinion @ a better hospital before they operated on him).Jackie,G-d speed & stay off the med's as long as you can!

Claudia,I'm glad you're reading the book. I hope it helps as Joey's Anniv. nears. I'm glad Nena finally got it to you. Hopefully you both can meet before she comes back to the states.If not..we'll have to make plans for this winter in Quito :-)Hope All's well in w/ you too.

G-d Bless,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Diane, I'm so sorry that you've been struggling so much. I can understand why though as you are preparing your heart and mind for the Disney trip. I can only imagine how hard that must be. I was telling my dad yesterday as he asked when I might be coming for a visit that I have such mixed emotions about being there. Number one, I miss everyone so much and I look forward to seeing them. BUT, number two, I know it will be so empty and different as Joey isn't there anymore and for me that's so heart wrenching. My last trip there was for his memorial service last August. So I too am trying to balance my emotions, because it certainly affects everyone else the longer I put off going. But I just don't know that my heart is quite ready for the trip. I know I want and need to go, but I also know how hard it will be at the same time. Ugh! I am very interested in hearing more about your new treatment method as you move forard with that. I do hope it helps and that you find some relief soon. This journey is such a wrenching one. I continue to pray for my healing as well as yours and my dear friends here. Bless you my friend. Love and hugs, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Diane & Claudia, Hoping last night was a good one. I'll send you pictures of Jack's B-day party at Hooters last night. Go figure...his first birthday and we celebrate at Hooters. That was Jeff's favorite place. There were so many emotions...remembering the night Jack was born and calling Jeffrey to tell him and tell him that Audrey had decided to name him after our dad. Jeff was so proud. Diane, I can't help but wonder if you like me are hanging on to the guilt of not going forward with any action toward the doctor is a way of being angry at yourself for letting go. I know that did not make sense, but I am struggling with the same. If I would have proceeded with action against the company, that in some essence is a way of keeping him alive. Again...makes no sense. It's like it's an unrealistic fear, I don't want to let go for fear that I will forget, or others around me will forget. I don't know, this does make you feel somewhat crazy...When Claudia says "this journey is a wrenching one" it seems such an understatement, but there actually are no words to describe the see-saw of emotions. Perhaps this is nothing but one of the swells of the wave as Carol described and we just hang on and cling to our faith and our belief in God. I am sorry you are both hurting so much, but we must remember, this pain is but a season...there are brighter days to look toward and our reunion with our boys and our Maker will be joyous. My prayers are with you both, as they are with each of my friends that I have made here.

Ohamydear, Thanks for the input on the book. I actually read the same, that the focus was not on the "trip to Heaven" but rather the recovery and the promise of winning your struggles through life with His support. I don't know how I feel about Near Death Experiences, personally, I would be pretty darn angry if The Lord got me up there and then sent me back!

Ladies, keep your strength, know that while we cannot travel this road side by side, one of us is always ahead or behind the other. I pray for all of you. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie & Claudia,

Thanks for the input. I agree w/ you Jackie..my guilt is definitely fear based & anxiety based over NOT forgetting Harvey.I kept thinking by going after the doctors;Harvey will somehow appear to me in my dreams(no visit yet).I think my guilt is probably keeping me from walking more spiritually this week.I need to pray for Acceptance & Humility again!!! I guess I got smacked w/ one of those waves Carol talked about.Amen to the statement "One of us is always ahead or behind"!!!!! I've just taken a few steps back lately.

Claudia,I understand the NOT wanting to visit the states.You should do it when you're ready.I thought I was ready to go to Florida. Instead I went to a part of Florida , that was different than I promised Harvey. I felt like I was double-minded in a promise to G-d. Now, I'm kinda dreading Disney(everyone will be smiling w/ Mickey & I'll be crying thinking of how I missed having a good time there w/ Harvey).I'm praying that the joy in my G-d daugther face will outshine my sorrow.I'm choosing to do G-d's Will and face my fears in going on this trip.I think in honoring Harvey's life ,I have to face my fears (& in my case, honoring a promise made).Sooooo, I'm rambling now. I just want you to know that I think it's okay to be apprehensive and know it's just a WAVE on this journey.

G-d Bless,

Diane

PS..I'll let you know how the Bio-feedback goes. I'm doing it w/a therapist trained @ Johns-Hopkins in Balto.

[robertssister]

Hello Everyone.

I hope your all doing well. and Diane your in my thoughts and prayers I pray everything goes well with the test you have done. I know for me thinking about the one year Ann 6-28 was worse then It was onces it got here. We spent the day doing the same as the day before . I know Robert wouldn't have wanted us to all set around and cry I m not saying that didnt happen once or twice but all in all it was a good day. We all grieve so differently So how I was on that day wont be the same as everyone else But I will pray for you all.

My boys are back from camp they had fun but i missed them alot. I'm really glad there home.

We are leaving friday for NY to go to the baseball hall of fame then when we get back we leave 8-2 to go to Ohio for my Brother Daniels wedding. so a busy couple of weeks but it should be fun. I pray your all doing well. Trish, I hope today is going well I'll chat with you later.

In Christian Love, Barb

[jackiewitter]

Hi friends.

Just checking in on all. August is getting closer and I am dreading it. We will try to find a way to celebrate and honor the lives of Jeffrey and my father. I see my kids have been posting to my brother's myspace page, so I know that they are feeling it also. Barb, hope the boys had a great time at camp. Sounds like you are going to be buzy. My husband is from Northwest Ohio, Findlay. Hope everyone has a really good week. Claudia, hang in there, we will get through this month and next month. I miss you all. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[Guest Guest]

Today is my brother's birthday, Dean died in a car accident on 7/10/2003, he turns 23 today! I thought this would be a good way to remember him. Thank you for your prayers, especially for my parents. My prayers go out to all of you as well in hopes that you will find comfort in knowing your loved ones are in a better place. God bless!

[diane1234]

Barb & All,

Thank you for those prayers. The bio-feedback was way too much for me!!!! I'm not ready for it yet. It made me relive the EXACT day & minute Harvey died.I don't think it's a form of stress/grief therapy. I would not recommend for anyone w/ less than a year since their loved one passed. It made me physically ill all weekend!I just am not ready to face heavy stuff right now.Thus,I veto suggesting anyone try it. It was not a helpful experience for me.

Jackie and Guest..I empathize w/ you on your upcoming Anniv.'s . I hope your day goes like Barb said her's did on Robert's Anniv. Sounds like you had a peaceful day in Robert's honor Barb? You sound tell us more about how you felt on that day? Did the sun come out or any feelings of peace/calm come over you on that day?

Well, I'll pray for you all this week.My spirituality is coming back after that yucky bio-feedback session!!!!! I need G-d & not a therpist right now!!

Huggs,

Diane

[robertssister]

Diane, Hello. I pray your nerves are better today. My day went fine with Roberts ann. I bought a wreath and my husband and I put it at the accident site . and the town paper did a follow up on the families of those that were killed. There was 2 other men that died the same way as my brother did that day with in an hour of each other. I have to say the day did go very well. I told my husband I worried about the way I was going to feel for nothing. God has been so good to my whole family. And God will be there for you all too. No medicine can help you like God can.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy,and find grace to help in time of need.

I hope your all having a good day. Love, Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Thank you for the scripture verse Barb. I for one am very thankful for the grace God has given me this past year. Next Tuesday will be 1 year, and Joey's birthday is one week later on August 7th. I am finding light as I journey through the darkness of missing him so.

Love and blessings to all! -Claudia

[robertssister]

Claudia, Hi. I will be praying for you . I pray your doing ok. and your family. GOD has been so good to us. We may not understand why our loved once have died but they are in a much better place then all of us right now even on our best day. You wrote that Joey's Bday was August 7th my other brother Martin's B day is that day. I will be thinking of you.

I just thought of a COUPLE OF Song's " God is so good." and " Count your many Blessing name them one by one." I pray everyone is have a good night . Your all in my thoughts and prayers.

In Christian love,

Barb

[Guest Guest]

Hello All

I've stumbled across this site after giving up on trying to find a place to speak.

My brother was found unconcious after 3 days lying in his house by his housemates. He was rushed to hospital to have a brain operation as he had a major bleed. Whilst being unconcious, he had a stroke and from the operation he started to wake. Every day he was improving, he could not speak, move and had a lack of concentration. A week later, one morning he had another bleed on the brain and died.

I am the youngest of 4 and he was only 32. It was his 33rd birthday last week and am struggling to know who i am. Since his death, i have been on autopilot and have been happy to talk about him to my family to help them, but not for me. I feel i have not grieved for him but i don't know how. i keep myself busy to not let my emotions get to me, but am struggling. I feel lost. i don't know who i am anymore.

I don't know how to be. Just very confused.

[jackiewitter]

Barb, your mention of those songs just brought back a flood of memories. My mother used to sing as she cooked, her favorite was an old one "Victory in Jesus". I can hear her in my head an my heart now "and some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of Victory". My father had a beautiful singing voice, as did Jeffrey, but my mother did not. She did not care, she would sing out loud and the content was so beautiful it didn't matter. When she passed away I can remember telling Daddy that I am sure God gave Mommie the most beautiful voice upon her arrival in Heaven. I believe that with all my heart. Now I have tears because I cannot think of anything more deserving for her. Thank you for reminding me!

Claudia, as days get closer you are so much on my mind and in my prayers. I am anxious. I guess my nephew (Jeff's son)is also, he called yesterday and wanted to come down next weekend. I was not thinking about it but that will be the anniversary date, so I will have to find a way to be strong and make it an honorable day for Jeffrey. Know that I am with you and pray for you and Micheal daily especially in the upcoming days. Remember the poem and let God carry you through this one.

Diane, I hope you are finding some peace. I am sorry the bio-feedback was such torture. I was very disappointed in the medication, I think we are looking for something to bring us back to where we were before and that just is not going to happen. I am going to try to learn to lean on my faith more and stop looking for something to cure this pain, rather than look for a cure I am going to try and find a way for this to make me stronger, more humble and more giving. God has given us this pain for a reason, just like when you burn yourself. If you did not have the pain, you would not remove yourself from the fire. We had the love and the sheer pleasure of our brothers, it makes sense that they cannot just leave without creating the emptiness. Keep your faith there's coming a day when we will look back on this and remember the struggle and be stronger for it.

You are all in my thoughts. I am so very grateful to have had all of you to lean on through this journey. I am amazed everyday how God puts people in your pathway just when you need them. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Guest,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby brother almost one year ago. The emotions are different when it's unexpected. Not that you can ever get prepared for the loss of a loved one, but when they are there and healthy one day and then gone the next it brings with it a different set of problems and emotions. As far as identity, I would suggest reading some of the previous post. You are certainly not alone in those feelings. That seems to be one of the biggest fears, Who am I and how do I get back to who I used to be? We have all disgussed it at some point and I think individually you will have to find that answer. Even though Jeffrey is no longer here, I am still Jeffrey's sister. He lives through my heart, my memory and the promise that I will be with him again. But some of my joy is gone and I do not believe that will ever come back, but it can be replaced by something like memories and keeping him alive in my heart by living each day doing things that would make him proud that I am his sister.

I know I tend to ramble and I am sorry in advance. But we have banded her together at this site to try and ease each other's pain. Or sometimes just listen, sometimes there are actually good suggestions...like Diane's experience with bio-feedback. After her discription I am certainly not going to try that one. I encourage you to continue to come to this site. I have been here for almost a year and I honestly believe that God led me here so that I could grow stronger. I wish you the best. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[lollypop]

Jackie, thanks for listening.

I find it so hard to speak to people. I've not seen any of my friends as i do not wish to burden them with what i am feeling. It's been a long time and i feel i've left it too long and have made it awkward.

I do not understand why such good people are taken away from. I do believe we are here for a reason though.

I am currently seeing a counsellor to help me back my barrier of emotions as i can't seem to cry. I'm just so angery and frustrated that he is gone and it shouldn't have been him. He is my only brother, my eldest and now that he's gone it difficult to live life without a brother. Before he died i didn't believe there was life after death but now he's gone i so want to know that he is ok with what happened, that he's not angry and he is at peace. I do hope he is in God's hands. I'm not a big believer of God but part of me does. i completely understand what you mean by living life to make him proud that i am his baby sister. I will continue to listen to people here and give my advise. Thank you Jackie. Lorraine

[jackiewitter]

Lorraine, I don't know how I could make it if I did not believe that I would be with him again, and my mom and dad. I would not dream of pushing my faith on you, but I might suggest reading the Bible and finding some peace and promise there. No matter what you believe or what you choose, you are welcome here.

The BI site has helped me tremendously as I have been able to open up here and speak honestly about some of the issues in my brothers death that bothered me. There are many others here whose loved ones were taken from them unexpectedly and in ways that make no sense. Talking with them has helped me work through much of my anger. I was at a counselors door and turned and left, never making my appointment. I tried Prozac for about 6 weeks, no help. I have sleep medication that I am not taking. One night after talking with my husband and telling him how physically and mentally tired I was, he hid the sleep medication. Didn't matter, I was not going to take it, but I couldn't help but wonder what I must have sounded like to scare him like that. I don't want to worry my family, but I needed an outlet to be open and this site was it. No one thinks I am crazy here, actually a few have thought I helped them, so there, right? Do you mind if I ask how long your brother has been gone?

I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Barb,Jackie,Claudia & All,

Thank you soo much for the prayers & insights. I'm getting back to basics(my faith is coming back in small steps) and I decided to keep Chaos out of my life for now. I have lots of people around me who are constantly wanting something from me and right now..I'm focusing on me. I need people around me who are helpful(for example; my siblings still aren't helping me w/ my aging Mother--and I decided to stop asking them to help w/ her..when I know they won't).I also had some friends whose lives are just too chaotic for me to deal w/ right now(and they're not walking a spiritual path) .I'm choosing to go on a different path today; one in which I'm more comfortable. I've decided to let go of things & people that don't serve a good purpose in my life. Hence, I'm keeping my sisters @ arms length & I cut this one friend loose(she was not there for me when Harvey was dying or since his death..a very self-centered person). I appreciate the advice Jackie about learning to live this new way and knowing someday I'll see Harvey again. I guess this 1st birthday w/out him was harder on me than I thought. Lord knows how I'll be when his 1st Anniv. of his death rolls around! Barb, your insight was very helpful. I hope I honor Harvey's 1st Annv. in a peaceful way this upcoming late fall; as you did for Robert :-) I wish both Jackie & Claudia a peaceful day on Jeff & Joey's 1st Anniv.'s May the Lord Bless & keep you both on HIS Rock that Day :-)

Blessings to all,

Diane

[jackiewitter]

Claudia, Just a quick not to remind you that you, Michael and Patrick are in my thoughts and prayers today and tomorrow. As we come upon our first year without them, and we have not fallen into a pit of dispair, we've not cut ourselves off from the rest of the world, we have survived the first year. This is a testament to God's grace and love. I have thought in this past week that I could feel Jeffrey's presence all around me, but I know it is not Jeffrey, but rather God, giving me the peace that only he can offer. I pray so that tomorrow you will have peace and comfort of knowing that while Joey was here he touched so many and he that he is now living the promise that God gave all of us. Peace and blessings my dear friend, I am thinking of you. Much love, Jackie

[diane1234]

Claudia & Jackie,

I am amazed @ how far you both have come in this past year. I send my prayers to you Claudia on Joey's Anniv.- may in be a day of Peace & Honor. Jackie, you truely are such a gift too. Jeff is a proud brother on this his 1st Anniv. w/ the Lord. May you both have lots of Grace these 1st Anniv's. I hope you both Honor your 2 angels the way Barb was able to w/ Robert :-)

Blessings,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Dearest Jackie, Tears are falling in this moment as I say softly yet strongly, THANK YOU. You mean so much to me.

Diane, You are precious! Thank you for your encouragement and love.

All, Thank you for thinking of me and my family, and for your prayers. It is a time of beautiful memories and a deeply profound missing, as are all our days. Thank you for walking with me...

With deepest gratitude and love, Claudia

[robertssister]

Clauida.

Good Morning !!! I will be praying for you today and your family. I hope you have a great day remembering the Life of Joey, We all miss our loved onces but rejoys because they're in the arms of GOD. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Jackie, Hi! your in my thoughts and prayers too. I know how hard it is to go through the 1 YR ANN. But God is with you and will help you remember the good times you all had. Your in my prayers today.

Love Barb

[jackiewitter]

Hello my friends. Diane, Barb, thank you for your prayers and your kindness. Heavy heart today, for Claudia and for all my friends that are hurting. I read in some of the previous post from others that they found the actual "anniversary day" was not as bad as the days leading up to it. I hope that is the case. It seems that each day becomes more intense. So now I am only thinking...I just have to make it to Friday...celebrate Nicki's birthday (the day before) in some way and then it will be here. I kept thinking that one year ago today my life was normal, I did not know what this kind of pain was like. One year ago today I did not regret things that I did not say, or the times that I did not pick up the phone and he had to leave a message. I kept wondering why God did not make hearts stronger and less fragile, but when I see my grandson teething it breaks my heart and I know why He gave us such fragile hearts, or when my daughter struggles to keep her sanity as a stay at home mom and I ache for her struggles. When someone is on the side of the road and you know they have not eaten and you can offer food, that's why we have fragile hearts. When your friends are hurting and all you want to do is help and take some of their pain, that's He he made our hearts so tender. Claudia I hope the night is good to you and that you are able to find a place to slip quietly into sleep and perhaps He will bless you with a dream, but like we talked about, you don't really need the dream because you have The Promise. With that my precious friends I wish you all good night. May He watch over us all and comfort our broken hearts. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Yes, Jackie, I had those same thoughts and feeling; One year ago I... One year ago he... One year ago everything was different... And then came yesterday. And then it was One year ago...everything changed.

I am sad... Joey died one week before his 24th birthday. So next Tuesday, August 7th would be his 25th. And as I approcah that I am now thinking 25 years ago I was acrrying this child. 25 years ago I was more afraid of my brother's driving that I was of giving birth to Joey. And on the day, 25 years ago I gave birth to this precious child who is now gone from my arms, my sight, my life...but not from my heart. So the clock keeps ticking away and the tears keep falling, but I do have the Hope and promise you speak of Jackie. Thank you for EVERYTHING!! You are a blessing. And as your 1-year day comes and as it fades away, I too will be lifting you up in my thoughts and prayers. And thank you for writing in Joey's guestbook. I wish I could express in words what you mean to me... but You Know!

To ALL of my beautiful friends here, THANK YOU, and I love you!! Always, Claudia

[robertssister]

Hello Girls,

I hope your all doing well today. We leave tomorrow for Millersburg OHIO to see my brother Daniel he is getting married Saturday. Please PRAY for us we have had trouble with our car all week and its the only one we have. I have had it in to be fixed. Its runs ok now. Please pray that everything will go good. We are leaving at 4:30 am so hopfully we will be there by 11:00 am. Have a good week everyone I'll chat again Monday. In Christian love, Barb

[bbarbie55]

Claudia I tried to get to Joeys web site but I can't so I'll tell you my heart and prayers are with you this hard time. I know I will face this in a year I just hope I am as strong as you are.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Deb, It is not by my own strength for which I have been able to stand, BUT the strength of the Lord. He is made strong in my weakness. And this is defintely the weakest... Through Him anything is possible. Hold onto that!

Love and hugs, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Hey girls. I hope everyone is well, I hope Barb's trip was safe and she is probably getting ready for wedding parties tonight and having the time of her life with her family...that's my wish. Claudia, how are you? Was it as bad as expected? I'll know tomorrow right. The past few days have really been tough, tears fall at the drop of a hat. Tonight as I was leaving work, the VP of our new company said good night to me and I could feel the tears building. I had to rush out before he saw them. I cried the whole commute home. Now I am questioning if I got off the medication and shouldn't have. I think I just need to get past tomorrow and then re-evaluate. Audrey is picking up balloons tomorrow, she wants everyone to write what they want to say to Jeffrey and release them up to Uncle Jeff. I thought that was very kind of her. She wants to sit and listen to Pink Floyd and Fleetwood Mac, I still have Jeffrey's CD case that I took from his Scout, it was the music he was listening to on the journey to that horrible place where he would die. (I really need to get past the anger toward a town don't I...that's probably not healthy!!!) I love the bubbles Claudia, I think I will pick up some for the two grandkids tommorrow and let them send them up to Uncle Jeff. I wish you guys were here, I wish that I could be with you on your bad days too. I guess this is our medium and I am grateful for that. Diane you are so kind, I hope you are on a bit of an upswing...your positive attitude has always been such a blessing. I am talking with my middle brother on MySpace right now, he said he's feeling down as well, just can't get motivated. I told him to wait until this passes...he's not used to greiving and not being in control of his feelings. Well I got nothing else, I could sit here all night and ramble, but I probably need to try and focus on something more positive. If I don't talk with you tmorrow, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Some comfort to our broken hearts and memories of our precious angels. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie,

Good Luck on Jeff's Anniv. I think Bubbles to Heaven is a Sweet idea.I like Candles also. I think I've been able to be more positive lately, by being AWARE of my feelings and letting them happen. I've stopped judging where I'm @ emotionally and allowing myself a back slide here and there. I think grief is like an Ocean and it comes in waves still for me(Amen to Carol for pointing that one out). I am trying to be tolerant of the waves now and if one makes me cry, I cry; I also laugh & smile too sometimes on this ride.I hope Jeff's day is how G-d want's it for you. I send you a warm hugg in Jeff's Honor.

Also Barb, I hope your trip was safe and that you are enjoying yourself. Claudia, you'll have to tell us how you're doing on this 1st Anniv. also.I send a warm hug to you too.

May G-d Bless & keep you all,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Now having gotten through the 1 year point, it all just continues... I mean, after the 1 year date and thinking "if I could just step back to one year ago. And then the following days find me thinking about what I was doing a year ago. For example, today one year ago was Joey's memorial service. yesterday I was thinking about all I was doing (like a zombie back then) to get ready for the service. And tomorrow will be one year since we scattered Joey's ashes in the pasture. And Tuesday will be his arriving (would have been) 25th birthday. And next year it plays all over again with 2 years, and so on. So I am now beginning to understand that this is a never-ending thinking, and perhaps anotrher trap for the heart and mind to get snared in. Like, there will always be sadness that he isn't here. There will always be a "time" frame in which he was here. And there will always be a time frame to think, "back then we were doing this..." And there will still be many "firsts" for years to come, as there were many firsts when he was alive and growing that spanned over years and years. So, the actual days on the calendar that mark a date in time that brings super significance to my life, while it is always going to roll around again, nothing changes before or after that day arrives, except "time". I still miss Joey. I still roll back time in my head. And I still dream of the "what if's". But reality is that time marches on and nothing that happened before today can ever be changed. What can be changed is today and all the tomorrows, in terms of where my head and heart are, where relationships stand, what I do or don't do, think or don't think, act or don't act upon, and so on. But nothing changes concerning the loss of Joey--only how I think on that loss changes. It's much easier said than done to think or do something that will focus on the eternal--because that's really what ultimately matters, and that IS where Joey is. (AND honestly, I'm glad time ceases beyond life here, because I can't imagine how Heaven could be perfect if we were always tracking with time.) But I find that in those much too infrequent moments, for now, when I can set my heart into eternal pathways of thinking, etc, it is there that I can truly, undoubtedly, with strength and wisdom find peace and comfort, and even true joy to continue mu walk in TIME. That said, I am hanging in there, one day at a time...

I know for all of us it's a constant battle of thoughts that hold us in a certain state or carry us onward. And it is here where I focus my prayers for all of us... praying that we don't get snared in time as we journey through it. One day time will cease for all of us, and in the sense of all that means, we have only "this time" to make a difference in how we spend it. Personally, I hope I can spend it wisely for the things that matter according to the time I have left. I know there will be highs and lows, or peaks and valleys to contend with. And it is this time filled journey that awakens me to the gratefulness of a God who journeys with us, helping us along the way. I can't imagine ever having to do this without Him.

I am so thankful for each of you, and for the tears and laughter we share along the way. You are gifts from God to me, and I love you.

Blessings and hugs, Claudia

[robertssister]

Hello All:) I made it back home we got back in around 5pm this afternoon. The wedding was wonderful. when i get the pic on my computer i can send on of the bride and groom but please email be at Brianbarbkipp@comcast.net that way ill hav ethe right email sometimes i can't get them to go through. But the week end was busy but in the end very NICE:) Hope your all doing well. night.

Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Happy 25th Joey. I love you, and I miss you. Ever, Mom

[robertssister]

Clauida, I pray your having a good day. We all know Joey is is a better place.

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven !! Joey,

In christian Love,

Barb

[jackiewitter]

Hello my friends. Claudia, I hope you are cherishing your memories today. I truly believe the birthdays are hardest of all, all the what if's. Close your eyes and know that Joey is with his Savior and that's all anyone can ask for on a birthday. John 16:22 - "And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man can taketh from you." I hope you took out the lip balm out and gave him a kiss. I adore you and hope you have a peaceful evening.

I made it through the "1st anniversary"; it was not as bad as I had expected. I am so grateful for that. The girls and I held close to each other and it was as good as one could expect. I do feel a little more balanced now that it has past.

Diane, Barb - I love you two with all my heart. God has been very gracious to give me friends like you girls.

Peace and blessings my friends

Jackie

[diane1234]

Happy 1st B-day Joey. May you have a glorious time in Heaven tonite w/ Harv, Jeff,Robert & All the folks who are there before us.I hope they have your favorite cake (Harv loves Birthday Cake & a good Birthday Party :-) I know that Joey is smiling in your Honor tonite Claudia .May you feel his smile again in your Heart tonite.

Well gals..I'm off to Disney on Thurs. in Harv's honor w/ my G-d Daughter. Say prayers for a fun time for us(vs me crying over Harv not being w/ us in a physical sense). I hope I can remember all of Caitlin's laughter to relay to Harv when I see him again someday :-)

Jackie, that was a deeply touching quote...Amen !

Blessings to All,

Diane