Loss of a Sibling

[jackiewitter]

Diane, Barb & Claudia.  Hello friends.  I just wanted to check on you.  1st of the year has been quite busy.  Jeffrey's birthday is coming up in February and I am already preparing myself for it.  I cannot help but think back to last year and how painful it was.  I still have the voicemail that you left for me Claudia and  I still have the emails from Diane.  It's just so hard to believe that another year passes without him here to celebrate his birthday.  The kids and I are going to do the balloon thing again, probably will hit Galveston and some of the Mardi Gras parades.  Jeffrey's favorite was always the Barkus (that's the one where the dogs take center stage).  Well I hope you all are well and getting through the first of the year.  Much love & prayers, peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

For some reason I posted more than once, sorry!

[4everjoeysmom]

Jackie, I think my favorite would be Barkus too!

I am finding the missing continues to grow, but strangely the deepest of grief and the despair are fading...  I guess that's called balance.  I don't know.  All I know is that we will never stop missing them during this lifetime.  It has become a part of our journey onward, and to find balance and harmony in the midst of the missing is our challenge.  Isn't it?

I miss you all too...  The New Year has been busy here as well, but in a good way.  I still have daily hurdles.  But I am thankful for the splashes of light that continue to cover me.  Blessings to you all, and BIG HUGS, Claudia 

[jackiewitter]

Hello my precious Claudia.  I just emailed Don Piper, the man who wrote "90 Minutes in Heaven".  I told him of you and how much you had helped me pull through this.  I know that God put you in my path so that I would return to His guidance.  For that I cannot help but think that the timing of the tragic events of Joey and Jeffrey were linked.  Another part of that weaving pattern.  Had their events not happened in the same time frame, would we have connected at some point?  Would God have placed someone else in my pathway?  Or Diane, a person of a religion that I had little to no understanding of?  Yes, the pain is still there, but so is the promise.  Something that before Jeffrey's death was not a part of my daily focus.  When my parents died I missed the so much, but I did not think daily of reuniting with them as I do now.  Everyday I think of when we will all be together again.  I don't dwell on it, but it is still there daily.  I will remember forever your voice on the day that I packed Jeffrey's things and dealt with 6 months after he was gone and the first birthday that would be celebrated without him.  Forever grateful.  As always, you are in my heart and prayers.  Much love and hugs, Jackie

[diane1234]

Hi Jackie,Claudia & All,

It's been a while for me posting on this thread. I also like reading the thread Claudia started on loss of a child. I agree w/ you both. Time has given me some balance and when I come across something that triggers a Harv memory for me today, I'm able to smile @ the thought of him.Like what happened to me this week.

I found a plate @ my parents house recently and it was Harvey's 1st baby plate(being the 3rd child,I didn't have a plate..LOL).  It was filthy when I discovered it on a top shelf in my parents basement & I didn't know what it was until I cleaned it up! I had thought about Harv that morning and wished he was with me on my visit to my folks(as my Mom is getting a tad loopy in her golden years & Harv always brought a smile to her when he visited w/ me). Well ,Harv was w/ me and after I washed that plate about 5 times(it was yucky)..I realized it was Harv sending me a smile from Heaven :-) I'm grateful to have found the plate & I showed it to both my parents. It was  BEAUTIFUL once I cleaned it; it  had  his name,birthday and was written in 22 karat gold on porcelain. What a special gift from above! Both my parents wanted me to keep it. I brought it home and have it in my living room sitting on one of Harv's tables. It's soooo strange ,that I could find comfort in a PLATE!Yet I feel Harv finally sent me a message(as I still haven't had a dream).Go figure!

  Jackie, today I finally feel  hopeful in  my grief walk.   G-d willing ,we will  see our loved ones again :-) I will keep you in my prayers on Jeff's Birthday. Are you going to go to the beach for it this year? Keep me posted, I'm sending you a hug & a prayer this year :-) Maybe, Jeff, Harv ,Joey & Robert (+ everyone else) will have a BIG cake in Heaven together this year!

Blessings,

Diane

[jackiewitter]

Diane, It is so very wonderful to see your post again.  When I take pictures of Jack (grandbaby) I think of you and remind myself to send you a photo...but I always forget!  Each time I look at him I see so much of Jeffrey, I don't know if it's my imagination or if Jack is just blessed with some of the genes from our family.  Many of his expressions, especially with his eyes are like Jeffs.  Both have these heart shaped eyes where the lids kind of droop a little.  I don't know, again, perhaps just my mind is taking me there.

Thanks for sharing about the plate.  I think that is beautiful, not to mention it made me think of Jeffrey and I tried to remember, did he have a plate, a bottle or anything that was special?  It immediately brought up memories.  Once we drove to New York to the Worlds Fair, Jeffrey was a baby, probably around 18mo & I would have been 4.  It was the summer, and either we didn't have air conditioning or for some reason it was not on in the car.  We were crossing the Ohio river and Jeffrey threw his baby bottle out the window.  That was the last bottle he ever had.  I don't remember that much, but it was one of my mothers favorite stories. 

Tell me about the Harvey table.  We have an entertainment center that has seperate sections, I'll send you a picture of it.  After Jeffrey passed away I  fixed two sections of it, one to honor Ben, my youngest son who is in Iraq right now.  In that section is a picture of him in his Army uniform and then my father's and my mother's bible (so that he has constant guidance).  The next section beside it is a picture of Jeffrey and his son, beside it is an iron candle chandelier that he had gotten me and a wooden ball (I found it at an antique store & it reminded me of croquet in the back yard as kids).  The day I bought it I put it on the shelf with him and then went about my business; I was in my bedroom when I heard something in the den hit the floor.  When I went in there the ball apparently had rolled off the shelf and onto the floor.  I scolded his picture for not liking the ball and throwing it off the shelf.  Told him that if he were here he could pick out his own things, but for now to let me cherish what I want!  Now everytime I look at that ball I just giggle and think that perhaps his spirit just pushed it off the shelf to get my attention!  Okay, I am no dummy, I know that's not true, but thinking it makes me laugh! 

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means happy like I was before his death; but I feel so much further along.  Looking back I know that there were days that  I just wish to die and to be with Jeffrey & Mom & Dad.  Those days are gone, I long for them, but I know that I have to wait until it is my time. I am happy for you too that you are able to translate some of the things that you see into happy memories that make you smile.  I think I may go into our attic and go through some of Jeffrey's things this weekend.  Yes, we will be headed to the beach on his birthday and launch his balloons.  We are still not ready to spread his ashes, but one day we will be.   

If you want, send me a picture of Harvey's table.  I would love to see it.  Hope the weekend is good to you and the weather breaks a little.  I am not a fan of the cold, and it's in the low 50's here.  Much love & hugs your way.  Peace & blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Diane, Jackie, and All:

I too liked the story of the plate and Harvey's tabe, Diane.  And Jackie, you're a hoot!  I love how you interjected that little ball rolling off Jeffrey's entertainment center area.  I have some utensils that were mine as a baby that are in storage.  My kids ate from our standard dishes when they were bog enough, and out of jars as babies, so there are no special plates or bowls.  But I have a Pooh spoon that they both used.  And I had a set of four Sesame Street plastic cups that they used all through childhood.  I gave 2 to Patrick, and I kept 2 that are in storage.  Thanks for reminding me I too have precious momentos like that.  Although, Harv's plate sounds very beautiful, much more so than a plastic Bert and Ernie cup.  LOL!

I think we are all forever changed and redefined by our losses.  But I also believe that we have grown individually and together as a result of what we've been through.  Your brothers and my son have helped to give us greater courage and strength, and they certainly have helped us to grow in our relationships with God.  That's a priceless gift and legacy they have left for us.  I'll do my best to honor it while here, but like you, Jackie, I so look forward to the day when we are all united.

Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

[diane1234]

Jackie,Claudia & All,

You both gave me a good giggle. I love the bottle incident Jackie & those Pooh spoons sounded like my childhood Claudia(I loved little pigglet..it was my nickname for Harvey). I think we are @ the point of being able to look @ old momento's of our loved ones today and feel their smiles from Heaven shine down on us. The Baseball made me laugh Jackie...it's like me finding that plate! I think Jeff & Harv still have their senses of Humor up in Heaven :-) That is soooooo sweet that baby Jack gives you occasional glimpses of Jeff, How lucky you are! My neices & nephews look NOTHING like Harv (I guess lucky for them, they have full heads of hair..LOL).

When we cleaned out Harvey's apartment a year ago, I took only 3 things; a jacket and his 2 fav. tables from a famous California designer (Japanese Designer ,who works w/ rare woods). I put one table in my living room & one in my Lower Rec. Room. Well my living room table has become a Shrine for all things Harvey(in a tasteful way..LOL).On the table I have: a national zoo panda book on Tai Shen(our baby panda which Harv loved and my sister & I went to see the day after the funeral), I have a picture of Walt Disney World and now I have Harv's baby plate :-)

Jackie, Email me and I'll take a pic of my momento table w/ my cell phone & send it to yours :-) Then you do the same on your precious grandbaby pic's(send me a pic of the ballons & the beach on Jeff's B-bay... look @ the statue in Galvaston of the names of one of the first developer's..it's a distant person tied to my Dad, Si Rosenberg):-)I'm off to dinner.

Blessings,

Diane

[lynnielou]

Hello Jackie, Claudia, Diane and everyone,

I've been away from the forum for a while - and really miss reading what's going on with everyone.  I've decided that I can't be wonderwoman anymore and take care of my kids, my family, my job and myself.  I've crumbled down over the past two weeks and realize that I haven't taken any time to properly grieve.  I continued on as before after Fred's death, but it had a price.  2 weeks ago I spoke to my employer and told him that I was feeling overwhelmed with my workload and he responded by asking why I hadn't put in one hour over overtime in after all of the time I was given for my brother's death. Ladies, I was granted 3 days off for the funeral and I took an additional 3 days of banked time to watch my brother die in the hospital. In order to take a week off after Christmas, I had to work an extra 30 hours the week prior, even though I had enough vacation time to cover it. 

I could go on and on about the injustices at work, but it's not worth it.  I am a social worker, of all things, and have decided to go off on a stress leave. Prior to doing this, I was having 6-10 panic attacks a day at work.  I've been home a week, and the panic attacks have really tapered off, I'm exercising every day and sometimes, I even sleep through the night.

I am slowly trying to get my life back.  My husband has told me that I'm a much happier person when I don't work - and I've realized how much of myself I've sacraficed for my job.

My brother worked with me in another department of the agency.  The last time we spoke, he said that we both had to quit this job or it would kill us.  4 days later, he had the heart attack that ultimately led to his death. 

I guess I'm just venting and it really helps to be able to talk about my situation.  Thanks for listening.

Linda

[diane1234]

Linda,

Sounds like you made a good choice ! Job stress can be yucky. I know, my health suffered for the past year since Harv died.I think it's GREAT you're exercising...keep it up(it's a wonderful stress reducer). I really stopped exercising and eatting right last Jan.(plus I avoided my Doctor until a month ago).Well after getting my 1st physical in two years..I'm exercising again,dieting and reconnecting w/ my friends.

I've had a year of rollercoaster riding emotionally (grief,other family members having illnesses and a job that sucks @ times...LOL, it's a family business, so I can't leave). I can relate to that Deep anxiety that causes panic attacks. I definitely did work myself into a stressed out place , on several occassions over the last year. I chose to just get QUIET when the stress hit me. Now I too, exercise to release stress and I've slowed down alot @ work(I don't put up w/ BS anymore, my time is precious to me).You need to focus on Linda right now and see what YOUR grief walk looks like w/ out the burden of the job in the way. I saw a Cognitive Therapist for a while a few months ago & it helped me alot. She gave me tools in dealing w/ stress, death, anxiety,forgiveness & letting go of the guilt and anger I had towards doctors and my family. I'm grateful to say that the therapy & reconnecting w/ a G-d of my understanding helped me immensly! My life is still chaotic and I'm not anxious over it today :-) I will keep you in my prayers for Strength & healing.

Blessings,

Diane

[staria]

I am so sorry for all of your losses.  Each and every one of you are in my thoughts. 

I too have lost a sibling. My oldest brother, infact.  The hurts is still fairly raw as the 5th of feb will mark 1 month since his passing.  I am still in such a state of "this cannot be true"... you know? I have been helping my mom try to cope and move towards a "better life".  I have 2 kids and a wonderful dh, without them I'd be beyond lost.  

My brother was 32, sadly addicted off and on throughout the last few years to drugs.  (my mother also.... hence why she is looking for a "better" life) She has always told us losing a child would be the worst hurt imaginable.... unfortunately now she knows this 1st hand.  Anyhow, He was found dead in a room thta may hvae no even been rented by him.  He had money days previous but was found with just a $20, nothing else.  While my heart tries ot mend a little I cannot help but think "WHY"!

I am not sure if I am even supposed to write in this post but my fingers started and wouldn't stop.  TY for listening.....

[diane1234]

Staria,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your big brother. I too lost my older Brother Harvey . He was the first person to pass in my immediate family. My Mom & Dad still haven't dealt w/ the loss of their only son(a year ago). I feel by the Grace of G-d, I was led to this thread and it allowed me to REALLY share how I feel about losing my Big Bro Harv. I found such wonderful friends in here who could understand my grief walk and allow me to just share how I felt w/out being judged! I too asked WHY about losing Harv(he had a surgery go really wrong) in those first few months after Harv died . I also alternated between being REALLY busy w/ my family,being numb & being mad alot. After a while I found my faith again(yes , I was mad at G-d too) and I stopped asking "why" and found acceptance that Harv's in a better place & no longer suffering.

 I was told by others in here that grief is like waves, sometimes they come rolling in and crashing daily,knocking us off our emotional feet and other times they are less frequent. Right now the waves are slow rolling for me and I'm grateful. However when they do come , I share on this thread and pray that someone can tell me how to ride that particular wave! Glad you found this thread and I'm truely sorry you lost your older brother(I miss mine still).

Blessings,

Diane

[robbiesbigsis]

Staria,

I just visited this website for the first time and saw your story. I am so sorry for your and everyone's loss's that I have read.  I felt SO alone in my feelings about my brother's death until I came to this website and read these heart felt stories.  I have felt, here lately, that nobody would understand because he was just "my brother"...and most all of my friends are not close with their siblings as I have been with my brother ALL of my life.

I can relate to your story in so many ways. My brother had been addicted to drugs for many years and struggled to stay clean.  He was epileptic and had been diagnosed as a manic depressive and bi-polar, with some brain damage from the drugs and epilepcy.  He called me just minutes before he took his own life.  He had had many suicide attempts, and I just felt exhausted when getting this call, thinking it would be like all of the times before.  We had tried to get him help so many times. Now, I just feel like I would give up my life to help him with his because I did not realize how deep his pain went.  My guilt goes beyond guilt these days.  I am trying to work through these feelings each day. It's only been 3 weeks since his death, so I am still in that "is this for real?" stage.  He was only 27 years old, the same age my dad was when he died from virtually the same reasons.  The money situation with him was almost exactly as your brother's was. He was known to have had some money and "things" but all of it was gone.  We believe he had planned this though, for probably a couple of days ahead.

Thank you, and everyone for sharing your stories, I feel like you really understand what I am going through.  Thanks for listening and I hope my words that I shared above were appropriate for this message board.  Thank you again,

Paula

[jackiewitter]

Paula, I am so glad that you came here.  I hope that you can find some of the peace and ability to get through each day. While our circumstances were not the same, I could not imagine (and have a difficult time still) trying to get through everyday.  Jeffrey was my baby brother, he and I were so very close, we had gone through the loss of both of our parents together and we felt that all we had was each other.  Even though I have 4 children and he has 1.  We were together every weekend and it is still so painful when the weekend comes...almost 1 & 1/2 years and I still expect him to be out sitting by the pool making fun of the kids. 

You also mentioned that you felt guilt and I wish I could offer some advise to to help you move away from that, but unfortunately I don't have any.  I suffer from the same, I wish everyday that I had not talked Jeffrey into moving down here, I wish everyday that my husband had not given him a job.  

This site has allowed me to open up and say things that I could not say to my friends or to my kids, it has given me an outlet to express how very sad I was.  It has also allowed me to see others and know that I am not crazy or alone as I struggle through this.  I pray that you can find some support from it.  My prayers and thoughts are with you and I hope that you find something to hold onto in the coming days, months, etc...maybe a precious memory to make you smile.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[emelbe]

Hello....I am new to this entire website.  I have been reading some of your postings here under loss of a sibling and even after over 4 years it is very helpful...THANK YOU!!!

My brother passed over 4 years ago of a brain tumor at age 46, leaving twin boys age almost 12...

Having had "notice" helped but nothing really helps.  We as a family, have rallied around those boys hoping that it provides some comfort and support for them and us as well....

Could someone explain exactly how this works?---are these general postings for all to see? or if you hit "reply" under one post does it only go to that person?

thanks!

[4everjoeysmom]

emelbe, Welcome to BI, although it's always very sad to have a new member, because that means someone else is hurting with a loss.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.

Your posts are for all to see, no matter what thread, unless you send a PM (private message) to someone in particular through their user profile.  When you respond by using the reply option, your post will be seen as most recent post until someone posts afterward.  It diesn;t matter if you reply on someone's posted box or at the top of the posts, except those that have e-mail notifications to someone resplying to their actual post may receive an e-mail if you use thr reply in the posted box of a particular person.  I've never paid much attention and have always responded by replying to the the most recent post.  It all appears the same on the screen anyway.

If you use the New Topic option, your post will be under a brand new topic as a sub topic in the original board you are posting.  Lots of people create new topics, but generally it isn't necessary to do that unless there is a real need for ongoing discussion on a particular topic.  I think all of the creation of new topics to share a particular idea or thought make for lots of clutter on the board, in my humble opinion.  But the new topics generally fade after a few posts, unless again the new topic is one that is a desired long term topic, which is a more appropraiet use of that function.

This web board changed its face and functionality over the past few months and many of us are still getting used to it as well.  So don't worry about making errors or anything.  Just join in when you like and we're here to journey with you through thoughts, emotions, grief and healing.

How are the twins after 4 years?  I'm sure they must miss their dad.  It sounds like they are very blessed to have you.  My prayers are with you tonight as the newest member to BI on Loss of a Sibling.  I post on this thread from time to time, as I have made some very dear and special friends here.  I lost my son Joey 18 months ago.  He would be 25.  Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, and perhaps we'll see you here more...  Hugs and blessings, Claudia (4everjoeysmom) 

[emelbe]

Thank you Claudia for your response...It is much easier to stick to one pertinent thread and just let it "grow"--that is actually why I asked for clarification--i wasnt sure what the other few threads attached to this one were all about..so--thanks for your help...I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son-I read the virtual memorial-he sure was heaven sent with a gorgeous smile.

My nephews are a little over 16 now and live 4 miles from me.  They do not talk about their dad at all so we do and they definitely listen.  We took them to a bereavement camp 2 summers in a row and attended a hospice sponsored program along with their mother for  a 2 day bereavement session...so that is all we can do--is be there for them and keep trying....

Monday is my brother, Gary's 51st birthday and I am having my family for dinner in memory of him....

I am a scrapbooker...so i am compiling duplicate books (they are twins!!) to give them when they are older of their dad's life before them and with them...so far about 20 pages...probably another 20 to go--i want it to show who he was as much as possible so that they can "know" him....does anyone else scrapbook???--it is so much more than a photo album and is such a wonderful way to tell the story....

ok...well...thanks again everyone here reading...and thanks again claudia...

Marci

[jackiewitter]

Marci, Hello and welcome.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother.  My brothers' 45th birthday would be this coming Tuesday.  He has a son that just turned 16.  This will be the 2nd year that we celebrate without him.  The birthdays hit me really hard.  Actually it's the days leading up to his birthday that are the hardest, once the actual day is here I don't seem to struggle with it as much.

You and the boys are very blessed to live so close to each other.  My nephew lives about 150 miles away in the small town that my brother and I grew up in.  My nephew does not speak of Jeffrey either.  I have 4 children and they speak of him constantly.  It's almost like he is still with us because he is included in our daily conversation.  If one is not thinking/talking of him, then the other one is.  I think that has helped alot. 

My heart goes out to you, as do my prayers.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie ,Marci & All,

Birthdays are such a different experience w/ out our loved ones w/ us on this earth. I think the scrapebook is a GREAT idea! I also loved when you did those balloons(or was it bubbles) for Jeff last year.

 I liked having a cookout in Honor Harv's B-day ( I think I did it after I got back from Marco Island)and I think I did a tashlich for him on his  B-day last year( I'll have to read my old posts to see what I actually did in Honor of Harv ) . I'm getting older & I wish my memory was like it used to be in my 20's..LOL..since I feel like I'm only 30 (haha- I wish). I think I'm going to go to a speedway(Harv loved race cars & I forgot to go w/ him the last year before he died) or I might just go back to my fav. Florida beach again(Jackie, didn't you go to the beach last year too in honor of Jeff)? Lord only knows what I'll do, because Harv's next B-day is in June! I will keep you in my Prayers for peaceful celebrations of your Brothers B-days. I will send you a hug on Jeff's B-day Jackie :-)

Blessings to you both,

Diane

[emelbe]

Diane, Claudia, Jackie & those I haven't met yet!,

Thank you for your kind expressions-I wholeheartedly return them.

Gary "turned" 51 yesterday, although he will be forever 46.  I have one other brother and we talk about how strange it will be when we are much older and we will always visualize Gary at 46...

My whole family -mother, father, brother, wife at the time of his passing, ex-wife w/twins came over for dinner last night for the birthday.  You are right when you say the days leading up are the worst.  It was very helpful to get together like that last night.-We have done so every year since Gary passed 9/23/03 of a brain tumor.  Last year I actually had a sheet cake done with a baby pic and a pic at 46 in memory of gary's 50th birthday since it was a "special" birthday....we usually just order pizza and hang out together but since my parents are here this year (they are usually in Florida for the winter but my dad just had heart surgery) i decided to cook dinner. 

We also get together on the date of his passing and go to the cemetery then out to the same diner for brunch.  We established these "rituals" for the boys...

I see from your responses that my borther passed the longest ago...I have to tell you that this has been the hardest thing in my life as I am sure in yours since we are writing here.....It only gets "easier" because so much time is passing and new routines have naturally been created but---we are doing our darndest to keep Gary "alive" -what else can you do????.....

The boys just went to their Sophmore Cotillion Saturday night-boy would he have been proud.....

Please tell me about your brothers...I read the memorial about Claudia's son....

thanks for writing and nice to "meet" you----thanks for the welcome!

Marci

[jackiewitter]

Hi all.  Well, it is a pretty sad day.  Tomorrow is Jeffrey's birthday and my son is also headed back to Iraq tomorrow.  I had to make a trip to the island today to research some work.  I went alone and then drove some of the area's that we used to go to.  Even though Jeffrey had moved to the island a year before his death, his favorite place was not there, but an area that is accessable by ferry.  This where I am thinking he would like his ashes, but I am just not there yet. 

Yep, there are tears, tons of them today.  Jeffrey's best friend died just a few weeks ago, and while I keep thinking of them together again, it just brings on more saddness.  I am not sure that birthdays will ever be good days.  Those may be the days that I wish to curl up in bed and not get up until the day is over.  I am hoping the kids will be support tomorrow and that I don't bring them down. 

Prayers please, I am feeling very lonely today.  Hugs to all, peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie,

You will be in my prayers for peace on Jeff's B-day . I think it is okay to go to places our loved ones liked. That way you can tell Jeff about it when you see him again. I did a tashlich for Harv's B-day last year. That was my way of Reaching/Casting Out(by throwing the crumbs to the fish..the eyes of G-d) to Harv in the Heavens. Maybe you can do something to say "Happy Birthday to Jeff" tomorrow? Did you take that ferry ride since he passed? You could have a cupcake in his honor or you could just cry all day. I think ALL of the above are fitting,as you're writing this grief walk as you go. I noticed I was more sad & freaked out in the days leading up to Harv's B-day.Yet on his actual Birthday, I had a peaceful day tinged w/ tears. So my friend, I pray for you G-d's will on Jeff's Birthday. I hope Harv sharing some cake w/ him UP there :-)

Blessings & a warm Hug,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Jackie, I posted on the I believe thread for you, but just want to say again how much you are on my heart and in my prayers.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  Wish I could reach through and hug you...

Diane, Hi!  I've been thinking about you too.  Sending hugs to you and the others here as well.

Simone--if you are reading but not posting, I think of you often.  Hugs, Claudia

[emelbe]

Jackie....

My thoughts are with you tomorrow.  I am afraid you are right about the birthdays...

every day is tough but some , like birthdays , are tougher.

I had my mother and father, one remaining brother, the current wife--the former wife and of course...Gary's precious sons for dinner on monday feb 11....everyone looked

at the book I have been composing for the past few years of Gary's life so we didnt really have to say anything else.....since it is 4 years 4 months and we have been doing this every year we have come to rely on each other on these "worse" days

and that is what has worked for us....he was 51 last monday....

Birthday Greetings to Jeff...he will be smiling down on you especially tomorrow...

who knows...maybe he met Gary.....

With sadness and caring...

marci

 

[lynnielou]

Hello Jackie,

I want you to know that I'm praying for you and keep you in my thoughts, particularly over the next few days.  I also am saying prayers for your son, that he stay safe and happy. 

Jackie, over the holidays, I found the worst time was the lead up to our family dinner.  I just dreaded it.  However, the dinner was the best part of the holidays for us.  My younger brother (I have two remaining brothers) made a toast with the homemade cherry whiskey that my brother Freddy had made before his death.  Very simply, he said, "To Fred, we wish he were here."  Freddy had shared this whiskey prior to his death - it was the most vile, caustic substance that burned my lips down to my gullet.  On Christmas day, it was flavorful, smooth and sweet.  In the 2 months that it had aged, and the 2 months that Freddy was gone, it had mellowed and become a very nice drink.  I think too, that our grief had mellowed some too.  We were so afraid for the holidays, but really came together as a family to support each other through this terrible time.

In saying this, I hope that the following days get better for you.  Your brother's birthday will always be a bittersweet day , as I think it will be for all of us who are missing our big brother.   I wish you peace.

With lots of hugs, Linda

[lynnielou]

Hello Diane,

I just wanted to thank you for your encouraging note when I posted about leaving my job due to stress.  I haven't had the heart to post here recently, but I still pop in and read.

I left work because I was made to feel guilty that I had taken time off when my brother died.  I took 3 days off to watch my poor brother, who was in a coma, die.  I then took three days for the funeral. 

Perhaps I am crazy, but taking a few  days off to watch your sibling die, doesn't seem to be too excessive.  Oh well, I have been off work for almost 6 weeks.  I have taken your advice and have been in therapy.  I don't think that I should return to an environment in which people can be so callous. 

I hope Diane, that you are managing well.  Thank you so  much for giving me encouragement when I was down.  It really made a difference to me.

Hugs to you,

Linda

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Linda, I'm glad you are doing YOU for the past 6 weeks. I've been doing a different me for about a year & a few months(since Harv died). I'm okay w/ this different Diane today. I don't put up w/ too much B.ll Sh.t @ work today. I also find that I'm giving more of my time to helping others this past 15months(charity work,visiting sick friends & family in need and just not making my job define who I am anymore). Work for me is a means to an end(ie..mortgage payment..LOL..and that's about it). I find fulfillment in doing good works(especially in honor of Harvey).

 You need to find WHAT fulfills you?? I think it's great you are seeing a therapist! Most of the people I talked to when I first posted in here, recommended it to me; I listened and it's helped me alot in putting stuff into perspective(w/ my grief/life walk). You never know, you may find a different calling,like Claudia did. When I first came on this thread, she amazed me @ being true to her self and following her true calling(she is a missionary now) in the face of loss of her child.That was amazing to me! So was Jackie's grief walk! I have learned sooooooooo much on this thread(and other threads on BYI), more than a book could teach me:-) So don't be afraid to share your walk in here, you could help someone else on theirs :-)

Blessings,

Diane

PS ..Hi Claudia & Jackie too

 

[robertssister]

Jackie,    Hello!  I know I havent been on in a long time, but I think of you and pray for  you and my friends that I have meet here.  You have all helped me so much.  I pray that your day went ok on your brothers bday . Roberts Bday was Jan 29th I bought a Rose and set it on my table. He always liked to buy roses for his wife So it just reminded me of him.

Claudia , Hi I pray your doing well. Please email me and let me know how you are. Jackie you can write me too.  

 In Christian Love, Barb

[robertssister]

Daine, Hello ! I think of you often too we live so close and havent met yet. I pray some day we can . I feel like were old friend that just havent seen each other in a long time. I pray your doing well. chat with you all later.

Love , Barb

[emelbe]

Hello again...

I was just reading about Linda who left her job because they didn't understand.

Haven't you found that until people "walk in those shoes" they dont understand?

and then they tend to be callous....

I have found that to be true of almost everything in life but it is particularly hard when it comes to the loss of a loved one.  I lost my brother in law yesterday but because of the "experience" i'd rather NOT have through the loss of my own brother,

I am the best sympathizer-I know just what to do now, sad as that is.....

for me, that is why I attended a group after my brother passed and that is why even after 4 1/2 years i came here....it is much easier to talk when it is understood and shared by those who have experienced....

You all seem to really "know" each other so I hope I am not intruding...i have not read too far back as it's alot of reading!!!...but--thank you for your postings...it's comforting to read and relate....

bye for now!

Marci

[robertssister]

Marci,   Hello and I'm Sorry for the loss of your brother in law and your brother. MY twin sister 's husband died 12/20/05 of cancer that he had for 3 long years. and it was a month before there daughter was born. Then my brother Robert died in a car accident 6/28/06   less then a mile from his home.  

Your right people dont understand unless they go through it.  Please email me some time and we can talk . sorry that you had to come to this site but there's a lot of nice people here to help you.

In Christian Love, Barb

[jackiewitter]

Hi Marci, While you are right, many of us are very close here, you are most certainly not stepping in where you are not welcome.  I came here just after my brother died and the first person to reach out to me was Claudia, then Barb & Diane.  The timing of our brothers (and Claudia's son) was so very close.  I believe that God had a gentle hand in leading us all here at the same time.  Many others have joined here since and the bond is unique.  No one truly understands until they have been there.  While so many people mean the best with all their time heals and things will get better words...they mean nothing.  Sure time heals....but what the heck are you supposed to do in the interim? 

At this site you can spill your guts to people who understand.  I have been able to talk of some of the most insane things that I have done (like hanging on to a gum wrapper that I removed from his trashcan; or going into my closet where his shirt is hanging and wrapping the arms of it around me and pretending that he is hugging me while I cry).  Now these are things that you cannot tell just anyone about, they will probably think your are nuts and it's way to much for them to comprehend.  That is why this site is so great, it's like that saying "you've been reading my mail".  The people here know what you mean because they either have or are currently experiencing the same pain/fear/anger/lunacy. 

I am forever grateful for my friends here and I pray that I am used in some way to help others as they try to hang on and work their way through this jungle of grief.  Many call it a path, a road, I agree, it's a road, but it is much like a jungle, you just don't know what pops up until you chop some of the folage. 

My prayers are with you, peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Hi Linda,

I was glad to see your post again.  I truly understand about the work situation.  My supervisor was a very close friend, and while she tried to understand, she just didn't.  We had several conversations that simply made me feel more like I was losing my mind.  I will never forget the day that she told me "Jackie, you just have to get past this".  I remember thinking to myself, how????  Just tell me how to get past it and I will?  Have you ever been here, do you have a clue what you are talking about?  Fortunatly I did not say anything but spent the next few months tryingto decide if I should just quit or look somewhere else.  Since that time I have gotten another postion and it has been so much better.  I hope that you can find the same relief.  Keep me posted on the therapist, I hope you do well.  Take care & just take some time to yourself.  We are here whenever you need us.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Marci, you are now one of us. We all share a bond on this thread..it's one of loss and the healing process in dealing w/ loss. I totally laughed out loud when I read Jackie's post about Jeff's shirt. I did the same stuff w/ Harv's jacket & I kept pic's of my Brother on his death bed on my cell phone(they are still there...go figure). This is the only place I feel I can honestly share how I'm tuely doing on a daily,weekly or monthly basis. Jackie said we all have a special bond because we came here right after our beloved family members passed around the same time(Jackie's Brother Jeff;Barb's brother Robert;Claudia's son Joey and my brother Harvey). Our feet were to the flames & I still feel like a higher power(G-d) led us to this thread.Sooo, Marci & Linda...I feel strange saying Welcome to this thread ; because everyone reading this thread, belongs here & is accepted and not judged for how they feel. Soo please intrude..I did and I'm eternally grateful for it :-)

Blessings,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Linda, I do hope you are finding some peace...  It is hard to be thrust back into life, especially when everyone around buzzes as if nothing happened.  We juat can't operate like that.

Marci, I 3rd and 4th the girls here!  Weclome, although so sorry you have to join our club.  I have only one sibling, and we haven't been all that close over the past few years, so I do grieve what I miss in our relationship.  The bomb for me was losing my son.  I just about lost my mind, and my friends here have been a godsend.  I hope we can be as much for you.

Blessings and Hugs ALL...  Barb, Diane, Jackie..my Peeps...LOL!!!!!!!  Gosh i am feeling silly.    It feels good.  For the very wounded, in time you will smile again too.  I promise.

[jackiewitter]

My peeps...that was cute!  I am smiling also and you are so very right.  It is such a relief to smile at memories.  I still go out daily and light Jeff's candle and talk with him a little bit.  I did remove a large urn from his garden and move it to the front of the house.  Rather sad, but it was time.  The urn belonged in the front of the house, that was the reason I purchased it.  Just the timing of the purchase and his death made me put it in the center of his garden.  He now has an antique fire extinguisher as his center piece.  My father owned a fire extinguisher company and we all worked for him at one time or another.  Putting the extinguisher there reminds me now that all of them are up there waiting for me. 

There's a saying from Shawshank Redemption "Get busy living or get busy dying".  While I know that I was not attempting to get busy dying, I found it difficult to remove myself from the pain that I felt.  If I "got busy living" then I was abandoning Jeffrey’s memory and the love that I had for him.  Here it is 1 and 1/2 years later and I think that I am ready to get busy living.  But much like Diane says, I'll take him with me.  Just as she took Harvey to Disney World and Crazy Horse, I will even take Jeffrey to the beach, museums, and outings with my family.  I feel that I am ready to move on, and while I know that there will still be days that just feel like a punch in the gut, I am ready to face them, because I know now that I can overcome them.   Today I feel as if there were shackles on my legs and they were holding me underwater, but they have been removed and I am breaking the surface and taking deep breaths.  I know this sounds so exaggerated, but those are my feelings today.  

I hope everyone has a wonderful week, and as always my dear friends, you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Peace & blessings, Jackie  

[4everjoeysmom]

Jackie, I had those EXACT feelings in November, as I made the same deicison to Get Busy Living, and to be free of the shackles.  I still cry, I do.  But I am no longer feeling the crushing weight.  I just feel the missing and longing...  but they do not crush me like the devastation did.

I dreamed of Joey for a very brief moment early this monring.  He stood facing me and asked "Why do you have to be there?  Why do you have to go?"  and I hugged him HUGELY and said "It is only for a while.  I have to do this".  And then I rolled over and woke.  I cried in Thanksgiving to God a few minutes ago as I shared with Michael...  what a wonderful gift that was from God, to be able to face my boy and hug him...to know he is there, looking forward to my being there too one day.  Thank you, Lord!  What a precious gift!

Do you all remember how I cried about needing to dream?  It's been a long time, but God answered my prayer..  another sign that my shackles are gone.  I was "ready" to receive and be able to let it go as gracefully as I received it---a beautiful dream, a beautiful gift...  I am elated.

[jackiewitter]

My sweet friend....while I am so happy for you I cannot help but feel envy.  I have not dreamt of Jeffrey in so long.  I guess it's not my time yet.  But I am truly haapy for you; and that Joey did not want you to go but you knew what you had to do, it's almost reverse of the "life" events.   Like on earth you didn't want Joey to go, but he had to go. 

And you hugged him....oh my gosh how that must have felt.  Unfortunately I would not have wanted to awakened.  We are headed there aren't we Claudia, we are headed toward a much clearer path.  A path where there are not as many pitfalls and cliffs and rocks...still sometimes I fear that I am leaving Jeffrey behind, but I have to focus on what is ahead.  I must find out Diane's secret in taking Harvey with her everywhere.  I know that Barb & Diane are going to be excited when they read of your dream too. 

Thank God for the blessed gifts he gives to us.  I am waiting my turn.  Much love to you my dear friend.  Huggs!!!

[4everjoeysmom]

Yes, Dear Jackie, I do believe we are heading there, to our clearer path.  I think because now, as we described how we are being freed, we are opening up and becoming ready for new adventures in spirit and life....like a blossoming flower in the springtime after all of the rain.  I know God waited to do something like this.  I wasn't ready then, because it would have brought to me more sorrow than joy.  It is now that I am truly able to give thanks for such a gift and feel comforted and fulfilled by it rather than ask God for more because it wasn't enough.  Truly it wil never be enough to satisfy my earthly need to "feel" my son.  But it is enough that God loves me so much that he should want to even give me such an undeserved blessing.  Yes, it is the beginning of a new season, my friend.  And we will be enriched by the rain.  Love you! Claudia 

[diane1234]

Hi All,

What a lovely thread you two (Jackie & Claudia) started today :-) I read HOPE from both of you. I feel the same way!!!! It's like the pheonix rising from the ashes of death; that's how I view today on my grief walk. I loved Jackie's example of Shashank & also the shackles Jackie!!! I too feel like I finally found the key to mine after this time of mourning for Harv.I've unlocked them,but they aren't totally removed yet for me. I still miss Harv in my soul and I now know I will see him again .I can look back on Harv's life w/ a smile today(and sometimes laughter @ all the fun/wild times w/ had in our youth) and know that he was my special gift; sent to me from G-d  for 43+ years. I view those years on Earth w/ Harv as a blessing :-)

I know that by my doing some of Harv's paintbrush moments (like Crazy Horse Monument in S.Dakota,disney,The Beach @ Marco,the cherry blossoms in april,etc..)and by remembering silly moments we loved doing together( walking barefoot in the rain,laughing @ my dogs gassing like a human,making gingerbread houses, etc...).. Harv lives on in my heart on this earth. I will do certain things annually to tell Harv about whe I see him again in Heaven :the Cherry Blossom festival in DC, the Ellispe Xmas trees every year representing every state in the union,tashlick every Rosh Hasshanna & in honor of his B-day,lighting a Yiskur candle every year on the Anniv. of his death,hopefully the rainforest of Ecuador & the beaches of Galvaston :-) I feel like our loved ones meant for us to find this place and to heal thru it as a  blessing in their Honor(and HIS Honor). That is what I plan to tell Harvey about someday.

Claudia, That's GREAT about the Joey dream :-) I still haven't had one about Harv, that I can remember? I'm glad you got to hug him again. He was sending you a kiss from above :-) I agree w/ you about the flower analogy. I feel Harv was my Rare orchid & the only place I'll find such a flower again is in Heaven w/ Harv showing me his garden in FULL bloom!

I'm off to cook dinner now.

Blessings to All,

Diane

[emelbe]

Sorry---sent i accidently twice!!!

[emelbe]

Hi Everyone...

Thank you for the welcome and welcoming responses...I enjoyed reading your

recent postings.  I can "see" where you are all a comfort to each other.

Well...starting tomorrow I have gary's twin boys for the week-their mom is going away skiing...so I get to play "mom" (my own son is grown-24)--although they are 16 now-I'll do breakfast...drive them to school--dinner--homework, guitar lessons, track practice and one has the dreaded---DRIVING lesson this week....I am prepared to tell them that they have to PRACTICE with their mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!once was enough for me!!!..... 

THEY give me comfort--I see many mannerisms-strange and comforting at the same time but with each stage I grieve for what my brother didnt get to see especially as they have grown so much and have changed---as it has been 4 1/2 years which seems often like yesterday....sometimes I get mad that all of that time passed since he passed...does that make sense to anybody????

Would anyone like to put a different picture of your loved one up?---i'd love to see them...After I post this I am going to try to do just that....

so goodnight...and thanks again!

marci

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Marci, it sounds like a wonderful thing being able to have your brother live on thru your nephews. My brother Harv didn't harv any kids(that we are aware of..LOL). I'd love to see his expressions live on thru another generation! I do have neices & nephews thru my sisters and I really enjoy spending time w/ them(I spoil them too). I realized since Harv died that I accept my family @ face value & love them in spite of the issues & differences. Death taught me that lesson. Life is too short to hold a grudge.

As for pictures of my Brother in life & in death, we have them @ a website. The website was started by a dear family friend thru our local paper & we've sponsored it for the rest of my days here on Earth :-) It has quotes & sayings on it and a link to some photo's of Harv,me,

 my dog & our family.

http://www.legacy.com/washingtonpost/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=19651151&PageNo=1

The link is above and it's been such a joy to have a permanent rememberance of Harv. All are free to look @ it . You may want to honor your siblings on line too(or w/ the scapebook,a charity,etc..).

I'm off to make dinner again;we eat late in the my house..LOL

Blessings,Diane

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Marci, it sounds like a wonderful thing being able to have your brother live on thru your nephews. My brother Harv didn't harv any kids(that we are aware of..LOL). I'd love to see his expressions live on thru another generation! I do have neices & nephews thru my sisters and I really enjoy spending time w/ them(I spoil them too). I realized since Harv died that I accept my family @ face value & love them in spite of the issues & differences. Death taught me that lesson. Life is too short to hold a grudge.

As for pictures of my Brother in life & in death, we have them @ a website. The website was started by a dear family friend thru our local paper & we've sponsored it for the rest of my days here on Earth :-) It has quotes & sayings on it and a link to some photo's of Harv,me,

 my dog & our family.

http://www.legacy.com/washingtonpost/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=19651151&PageNo=1

The link is above and it's been such a joy to have a permanent rememberance of Harv. All are free to look @ it . You may want to honor your siblings on line too(or w/ the scapebook,a charity,etc..).

I'm off to make dinner again;we eat late in the my house..LOL

Blessings,Diane

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Marci, it sounds like a wonderful thing being able to have your brother live on thru your nephews. My brother Harv didn't harv any kids(that we are aware of..LOL). I'd love to see his expressions live on thru another generation! I do have neices & nephews thru my sisters and I really enjoy spending time w/ them(I spoil them too). I realized since Harv died that I accept my family @ face value & love them in spite of the issues & differences. Death taught me that lesson. Life is too short to hold a grudge.

As for pictures of my Brother in life & in death, we have them @ a website. The website was started by a dear family friend thru our local paper & we've sponsored it for the rest of my days here on Earth :-) It has quotes & sayings on it and a link to some photo's of Harv,me,

 my dog & our family.

http://www.legacy.com/washingtonpost/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=19651151&PageNo=1

The link is above and it's been such a joy to have a permanent rememberance of Harv. All are free to look @ it . You may want to honor your siblings on line too(or w/ the scapebook,a charity,etc..).

I'm off to make dinner again;we eat late in the my house..LOL

Blessings,Diane

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Marci, it sounds like a wonderful thing being able to have your brother live on thru your nephews. My brother Harv didn't harv any kids(that we are aware of..LOL). I'd love to see his expressions live on thru another generation! I do have neices & nephews thru my sisters and I really enjoy spending time w/ them(I spoil them too). I realized since Harv died that I accept my family @ face value & love them in spite of the issues & differences. Death taught me that lesson. Life is too short to hold a grudge.

As for pictures of my Brother in life & in death, we have them @ a website. The website was started by a dear family friend thru our local paper & we've sponsored it for the rest of my days here on Earth :-) It has quotes & sayings on it and a link to some photo's of Harv,me,

 my dog & our family.

http://www.legacy.com/washingtonpost/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=19651151&PageNo=1

The link is above and it's been such a joy to have a permanent rememberance of Harv. All are free to look @ it . You may want to honor your siblings on line too(or w/ the scapebook,a charity,etc..).

I'm off to make dinner again;we eat late in the my house..LOL

Blessings,Diane

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Marci, it sounds like a wonderful thing being able to have your brother live on thru your nephews. My brother Harv didn't harv any kids(that we are aware of..LOL). I'd love to see his expressions live on thru another generation! I do have neices & nephews thru my sisters and I really enjoy spending time w/ them(I spoil them too). I realized since Harv died that I accept my family @ face value & love them in spite of the issues & differences. Death taught me that lesson. Life is too short to hold a grudge.

As for pictures of my Brother in life & in death, we have them @ a website. The website was started by a dear family friend thru our local paper & we've sponsored it for the rest of my days here on Earth :-) It has quotes & sayings on it and a link to some photo's of Harv,me,

 my dog & our family.

http://www.legacy.com/washingtonpost/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=19651151&PageNo=1

The link is above and it's been such a joy to have a permanent rememberance of Harv. All are free to look @ it . You may want to honor your siblings on line too(or w/ the scapebook,a charity,etc..).

I'm off to make dinner again;we eat late in the my house..LOL

Blessings,Diane

[diane1234]

Hi again,

I don't know what happened? I clicked send once & it looks like ALOT of repeats of my post?? So just read the one :-)

Blessings,Diane

[emelbe]

Hi All & Diane....

I went to look at the pictures of Harv--that is a wonderful tribute!

harv and i have the same birthdate-Flag Day-6/14

My nephews are here with me this week as their mother went skiing and Michael has let his hair grow long as did my brother at this age and I get these "flashes" when he does expressions/mannerisms of my brother's face doing the same...

they are taking driving lessons and every time they do something new i just ache that he cannot see this.......

of course when they are "bad" (NOT OFTEN!!!LOL) I am glad he cannot see this..............

Bye for now!

Marci

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Marci,sounds like you have a busy week w/ your nephews. I think it's great that they express themselves and you can see your brother in their mannerisms & hair styles( if my brother had any kids to imitate his hair,they'd be bald..lol..so I guess your nephews are blessed to have hair to grow long :-) I'm glad you saw our album to Harvey. It brings me comfort to visit him every so often. I also like going to places he loved and remembering what things look like since he's been gone(so I can tell him again someday when I see him). My brother loved nature,being outdoors and people. So I do more of that now than I did when he was living. I was just planning a day w/ my best friend & her young Grand-daughter(she's 8) @ the tidel basin in April. I want to see how a child(she's from Jersey) see the majesty of the Cherry Blossoms for the first time ever. They are one of those paintbrush moments I want to remember to tell Harv about from a different view point. My brother loved to look @ things in this life with  FRESH/New eyes.He talked about those Yoshita Cherry blossoms beauty every year, as if he'd never seen them before:yet he went to see them EVERY year of his life in DC. I've decided that I need to learn to do that more and to be grateful for those moments of wonder, here among the living :-) I realize today;that something as simple as a blossom,gave my brother such joy(as did the beauty of the western mountains,a hug from a loved one,the redwoods in Calif.,the New York sky line,etc..). I guess I feel lucky to not sweat the small stuff and know that the  G-d of my understanding is a good one(and Harv is UP there in Heaven always smiling down on me). I'm sure your Brother is doing the same :-)

Blessings,

Diane