Loss of a Sibling

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Simone, (((((SIMONE))))) I wish I could give you a really big tangible hug right now. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have thought of you (and prayed for you) even though it has been several months since last hearing from you. I am SO happy that you posted. I of course am very saddened for your raw pain and lonliness. I want to say that every catastrophic loss to an individual is no greater or no less that a loss for someone else. Sure, there have been people thta have experienced a greater number of losses, but that does not mean your losses are any less painful. You have nothing to be sorry about for how you feel. You miss your sister. You miss your life as it was. You grieve for your parents and for yourself. You miss the happy, confident you. I totally understand that. It's so not unusual to grieving one we love so much. It osunds like you have a tad bit od survivor's guilt regarding your folks, as you mentioned Em could do a much better job comforting them. I can't know exactly what that feels like, but from the other side, as a mom who lost one and has one surviving child left, I know that had it been Patrick instead of Joey, I would be just as devastated and hurt for the other. In a time such as this, I assure you your parents are NOT making comparisons. They love you and are grateful to have you. They, like you, just miss Em so much. And just as you have difficulty finding comfort in these moments, your parents also have that difficulty, because it hurts so very badly. I can imagine Em would be very sad for them and a bit at a loss as for what to do for them if the loss had surely been you. We're only human. We can only do so much. But if you are giving of your heart and you are available to them, and you are loving them and caring, then you are giving of yourself. And to me, I believe that is the greatest gift of comfort anyone can give, their self, their time, their love.

I so remember and know the feelings of abandonment. I lived a theme of feeling left behind for many years. I can relate to your sorrow and lonliness on a very deep level. I know for some that kind of feeling can last a lifetime. But I truly cannot imagine that for you. Yeah, you had a marriage fall apart. And yeah, you are stumbling in the dark valleys of pain and loss in this moment. But YOU, SImone, are beautiful and a gift to this world. You're right. You have beautiful children who need you. Your parents do need you too. You stated that you believe in the predestined lifespan. Well, I believe in that too, and in a loving Abba Father God, creator of me and of you. And I believe he does NOT make mistakes. And I believe he NEVER abandons us, especially in our darkest hours. You are alive and here for purpose well beyond motherhood, sisterhood, and daughterhood. You mentioned you've been on a spiritual journey, and that is wonderful. I think sometimes people who begin such a journey at a time of crossroads and so much pain in their lives are waiting for a sign of instant "knowing" and understanding, and that once it is found, all will be well. And then when we find moments of peace in that journey, only to be followed with crushing painful moments of lonliness and depression like you are sharing now, then we become disillusioned that we aren't worthy or capable of finding such a satisfying comfort. I;ve shared a portion of my faith with you in the past, and it is a huge catalyst for my healing, but each one of us has to make that special journey of spiritual retreat and discovery for ourselves. And when we run into a wall of discouragement, we have to pick ourselves up and keep walking, keep searching, because if we continue to at least be moving, we are that much closer to finding what we are searching for. Life has torrential downpours of obstacles to distract and discourage us. Our minds take us to thoughts that beat us up, like when your girls left for holiday and your lonliness set in. That compounded your already grieving heart. I'm really glad you wrote, because I would jump in a line that spans the globe to come and give you encouragement and love, and a big HUG. You are so loved and cared for--not just by those close to you, but by others you've infected with your genuine heart, like me. Life can be so lonely and cold sometimes. And it seems that grieving losses such as ours brings a kind of lonliness that cannot even be described. It's just there, and it lingers, and it lies to us that we will always feel this way. And I know we will feel pain and sadness in moments in years to come. It's the nature of missing someone so much. But one things that is for certain, no matter how lonely you feel, you are not alone in your journey. And you do not have to bear it all by yourself. I for one would be honored to have regular communications with you. From you I can learn so much about my own journey, especially from my surviving child's perspective--the things he keeps intimately tucked inside of himself. And you could learn things from different perspectives as well. But more than that, we can give love and support, a comforting word, or just an ear to listen and a friend to cry with, because that's the greatest gift a grieving person can give to another and to the world, their self, their time and their love.

I think with holidays coming again soon there are many of us who will need to reach out to an understanding friend. I for one count on my friends here. I don't expect them to be happy or upbeat all the time, because that's not real life. But I know they will be here to give adn share in whatever state they are in, just as I will. We can share a laugh, a cry, a smile, or what have you. The point is sharing, and caring, and being a friend for another in pain and grief is a huge purpose in itself. And for me I find comfort in that, because its a sense of community I need. And in that I know I am never alone.

Please keep coming and sharing with us. Please know we are here for you. I can promise that I certainly will be, as long as I am breathing on this planet, a friend for you, a prayer warrior on your behalf, and someone that you can call on any time. Blessings and BIG HUGS, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

And Teeny, I don't know where you are these days, but you also are remembered and loved here. Hugs, Claudia

[diane1234]

Hi All,

Claudia,I will say Amen to your post. You are always soo eloquently in your messages. I agree w/ your statement about the holidays looming around the corner. I have decided to be a guest this year during the Thanksgiving holidays. I did 20+ people last year(RIGHT after Harvey died) and it was way too much for me. I think it kept me from confronting my grief(which I started to do about 4 months after his death). I think I need a kinder & gentler Holiday season this year. Thus, I will be going to Janet's house & having a great time not being around my family's dysfunction this time(for the 1st time EVER in my life).

Also,Simone know you are in the right place. I think the waves come and go alot. I hope I can just learn thru GRACE to ride them better in the future.

My family has chosen to do an Unveiling for Harvey on the 19th of Oct. w/ a Rabbi. I'm just going along for the ride. My one sister was insistant about an unveiling(the super jew one). Harv was SAVED and he's already having a good time in Heaven :-) I am just going thru the motions of the traditions of the culture I was born into,for the sake of my parents(honor thy Mother & father).I am however going to place stones from South Dakota on Harv's grave(he loved the west).Well,I'm rambling on now.....Blessings to all & A Hugg to All(Jackie & Barb too),

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Diane, I think that is a wonderful idea to put Dakota Rocks with Harvey during a time when everyone else in the family will be doing what's imprtant for them as a next step in honoring Harvey. Everyone is so different, and I'm really proud of you for reflecting on what you can do to get through the moments of family time, something so meaningful between you and Harvey... It's such a mixed bag of tradition and such, yet I am amazed by your grace as you walk the journey. I'll be thinking of you.

It's raining here today. Actually the rainy season is here and it has been raining A LOT. It's always so hard for me to motivate when the weather is so dreary... (sigh) But alas, I think another cup of latte and its off to the showers. I seem to be living in the pajamas again. LOL Oh well, we do what we do, and then we take a breath and do some more. Such is the way of the journey. Thinking of you all, and wishing everyone some peace for the day. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[simmy72]

Hi Claudia and everyone,

Thanks for your beautiful uplifting message Claudia. I am feeling a bit better tonight. I actually went to see a grief counsellor for the first time today and somehow her reassurance that everything I am feeling is perfectly normal, helped me feel as though I am coping as well as can be expected. That and the support from you and my friends has helped me through this latest wave.

As I mentioned, my kids are away and I am on off work on school holidays (I am a Montessori preschool teacher) so have suddenly had time to stop, think and feel everything that I push aside in my usual busy life.I am going in to school tomorrow to get organised for next term and will spend the weekend with a friend before my kids come home on Sunday.But as much as feeling the pain hurts, I know it is actually healthy to be able to grieve openly and am really craving lots of solitude right now.

Thanks for your support and hope you all have a peaceful day wherever you are in this big wide world (BTW I am in Sydney, Australia).

Love Simone

[robertssister]

Hello Everyone, Sorry I havent been on lately we have been very busy. I pray you all are doing well. My in laws were down for a couple of days. That went well it was good to see someone from back home. The boys have a baseball game tomorrow and again next week then were ALL DONE:):) . I havent had time to read everything yet but I pray that you all are doing good. please email me anytime you have a better chances of talking to me that way . I have a yahoo name to just write me and Ill tell you . have to run . Have a good day.

Love , Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Barb, Glad all is going well with you and the family. You sound busy, but so happy in your last many posts.

Simone, Your weekend plans sound great. I wish you love and healing, and whatever you need for the weekend to be. I am having a wave too yesterday and today. It's just the way of life after you've lost someone so dear. There are better days to look forward to. And you are right, it is comforting to know we haven't flipped or gone mad because of some of the things we thinka nd feel through our grief. You are not alone! Much love and Big Hugs from Ecuador, South America. (N. American missionary serving in Ecuador) I am originally from just south of Chicago.

[diane1234]

Hi All,

This Friday is My Brother Harv's unveiling(a ceremony where the tombstone is revealed). I thought it wouldn't bother me and that I'd just go w/ the follow. However, everyone in my family(including me) are acting a tad off! I woke up today feeling really blue and I am being a little bit on the negative side of things. My siblings,husband & Dad are really on my nerves(I still am working full time & cook for my Mom weekly w/ little to NO help from my siblings).I guess I got hit w/ one of those waves today and I'm trying not to get overwhelmed & consumed by it. I just wanted to vent. I'm figuring the fast approaching 1st anniv. of Harv's death ,may have something to do with the way I am feeling today.I am open to any suggestions on how to cope w/ this wave that caught me off guard today :-(

Blessings to All,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Diane, I'm sorry the waves are hitting hard right now. I know just before Joey's one year I was moody and very sad. I rode that wave for about a week, and then it subsided. I took as much quiet time as I could, stealing moments here and there, and shedding tears as often as they came. There isn't really anything we can do to avoid or ignore it. It keeps on coming... I just prayed a lot for the strength to get through, and I made it. I know you will too. I'm thinking of you and will be lifting you in prayer this week as you prepare for the ceremony friday and as Harv's one year day comes. BIG HUGS, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Hey Diane, hang in there girl. It will pass, remember, the anticipation of the event seems to be more difficult than the actual event. I truly admire your ability to give your parents and other family members what they need in the service. Our Lord taught us to love and have tolerance, I know that it is hard when it goes against what Harvey believed, but he does not have to deal with that anymore. Harv will be watching over you through out the services, I hope you can feel his love with you. If you need me I am here, just let me know. Just a few more days and then you'll get through it. My prayers are with you.

I think you did right about the holidays; Thanksgiving will probably always be connected with Harv's passing since they were so close. I can imagine how hard that is, Thanksgiving had always been my favorite. I told you that we chose to go to the beach last year and change all traditions completely. We didn't even have baked turkey...Chris and the boys fried it with a bunch of Louisiana seasonings...spicy stuff! We will be going the same this year, it just helps to take the edge off. When we have family meal and prayer, we do include him and will probably set a place for him as well. I dread even thinking of the holidays, but again, it seems the anticipation is so much worse!

Like Claudia, you will be in my prayers this week. Know that you have many lifting you up. I know probably in heaven the boys are saying "Oh, I see our sisters have met!" Thanks for all that you have done for me as well. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Hi All ,

Tomorrow is the Unveiling in Memory of my Brother Harvey's 1 Death Anniv. I've been trying to remember what everyone did on their Loved ones anniv's and I am only remembering 2 things.Jackie, didn't you release Balloons into the sky in honor of Jeff? Did you say any prayers before releasing them?Didn't someone also blow bubbles into the air?Claudia & Barb, what did you both do for Robert & Joey?Did you say any special prayers & Blessings? I'm open to suggestions of what people did to commemorate their loved ones on the Anniversary's of their passing. I just have been drawing a blank this past week.

Thanks,

Daine

[diane1234]

PS..as you all can see,I'm even drawing a Blank on HOW to spell my name properly..LOL

Diane

[robertssister]

Diane,

Hello! I went and bought flowers and put them at the site of the accident and wrote a letter and put with it just to say how much he was missed. I hope you have a good day when it does come you all our in my prayers.

love Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Diane, It was I that blew bubbles. I just had a little conversation with joey, told him how much I missed him, how happy he must be, how I wish I could reah him and hold him, hug and kiss him, and have chats like we used to. I didn;t really say a special prayer or do anything ceremonial, because I too drew a blank as to what I could possibly do for that particular day. I think because I was alone it was different. I didn;t have a familiar place to go to where Joey used to go, because I am in another country. I didn't have family around. Michael was home with me but out doing chores and stuff. But I felt it was intimately special anyway. I didn't really have the energy or heart for any pomp--just intimate one on one, which is what I wish for more than anything--just to have one more moment to intimately be mom and son.

Are there any special stories or poems that Harvey liked most? Any favorite lines from movies or along those lines that would inspire a little dialogue meant specially for Harvey during the ceremony? I know God and Harv will lead your heart, so don't feel like you need to come up with anything extravagant in order to honor harv in front of your family. Harvey knows better than anyone how special he is to you. Sometimes it's the fewer most intimate words and moments that make the bigger impact...

Thinking of you... Love & Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Diane, Just thinking about you. I hope yesterday blessed you as you were honoring Harvey... BIG HUGS, Claudia

[diane1234]

Hi all,

Claudia , yesterday was a very long day for me. We had the first Rain here in over a month.Thus, the grey rainy day was the perfect setting for my mood & Harv's unveiling. I appreciated everyone's prayers :-) I am pooped out today. I didn't think I had any tears left before yesterday(I kinda liked being Numb). Yet my good sister & I pretty much cried the Entire time the Rabbi was praying over my Brother's grave.I guess I am going to process this over the weekend & when I am able..I will put into words my experience of Harv's Unveiling. I did tell harv to say Hey to everyone's loved ones w/ him UP there in Heaven :-)

Blessings to All,

Diane

[jackiewitter]

Hi girls. I am so anxious to hear how the Unveiling went. I am having a few "anxiety" moments lately. There's a lot going on in our household and I believe the craziness is getting to me. Ben had his first patrol in Iraq the other night and so I have now added worry to my list.

We did balloons with notes written on them. I think we will do the same for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It gave the kids their own personal way to honor him and let him know that we missed him. Some of the messages on the balloons were shared and some were not, they were released with no one else reading them.

Hope you all have a good week. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[pandora77]

Hello everyone, my name is Kim and I'm having a hard time. My brother (and best friend) passed away last November. He had been sick such a long time and finally was too weak to go on anymore. I thought I was doing so well and working to raise awareness in our area about Lupus, the disease that he was diagnosed with. And yet as the date of his death comes closer, I find myself falling apart. I cry so hard and so long that I can't breathe at times. Then there's such a deep pain and an ache that I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm actually thankful that I'm disabled and have to be on certain meds otherwise I probably would have turned to other things to make the pain go away. I know that wouldn't be the answer. Thanks for letting me have a place to come to.

Hugs,

Kim

[jackiewitter]

Kim. 

Hi, let me first tell you how very sorry I am that you have lost your brother.  I know that it is devastating.  My brother has been gone one year in August and I do not believe that I have ever hurt like this before.   I want to offer some encouragement, you will begin to process this a little better.  The anniversary dates and birthdates are always hard; I don't believe that will ever go away.  A date that you normally shared with him is going to be a reminder of not having him with you and it seems that the pain just intensifies.  Many of my friends here have offered good suggestions on how to deal with the dates, but no one has actually helped with the anxiety of the days that lead up to that date.  It has been my experience that the anniversary/birthday has actually been pleasant, spiritual days; a time where all of us could sit back and reflect on how much he meant to us and how he changed our lives. 

While a lot of friends think that after one year I should be way past where I am, my friends here truly understand and know...how do you get over someone that you spent your life with in one year?  You will never get over them.  I have lost an extension of my life, of my personality, a piece of my very being that defines who I am.  I am no longer Jeffrey's sister.   I have found that talking with people here who have gone through similar experiences are less judgmental and can honestly understand some of the emotions that you try to process.  I hope that you will continue to visit here.  There are currently four of us here that share emails and family photos; they have actually become an extension of my family.  They pray for my son in Iraq in addition to praying and caring for each other. 

I hope that your brother’s anniversary will give you some peaceful time to reflect on his impact in your life.  It sounds as if you are contributing to keeping his memory alive and in the forefront with your efforts to make others aware of Lupus.  I applaud you for that.  You can find my email in my profile if you like to email or we can talk here.  I wish you well and will pray for your strength.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Claudia, Barb & Diane,

Hi, I just wanted to share something with you all, and check in on you as well.  I know there's a lot going on with each of you.  I have just slowed down more as I began working from home.  It's so much more peaceful.  There's the one day a week that I drive into the city and I wonder...how did I do that 5 days a week for all these years!!!

Yesterday my oldest daughter and I were watching an old Eagles concert live.  The last song that they sang "Desperado" was Jeff's favorite.  There's a photo of him on his myspace where he is wearing a Don Henley shirt, Budweiser beside him and going down the river in a flat bottom john boat.  He has the biggest smile on his face.  That's the Jeffrey that I remember.  I put a link to his myspace in my profile also if you wanted to visit it.  Anyway...I digress!!!  When they began singing that song, Audrey and I were both sobbing.  I was working at the kitchen table and she came over an crawled in my lap and just cried and cried.  Remember, she's 26!  I miss him so very much.  Those are the times that it just smacks you in the face. 

I hope you are all doing well.  As I said, I know you all have tons going on; I just wanted to check on you.  Know that as always you are each in my prayers at night.   Peace and blessings, Jackie

 

[pandora77]

Jackie,

Thanks for your words. They have definitely helped to give me some comfort. I was my brother's caregiver (well, my parents and I) for a number of years before his passing. We were always close but he really became my best friend after I became disabled by psoriatic arthritis. It was almost as if we just knew what each other was going through and what we needed. Most of all I miss his voice, his laughter. Our family wasn't the kind that taped many get-togethers. I have often gotten mad at myself for not saving the last few voicemails but how was I to know I didn't have much longer. Though he was getting progressively sicker, he always bounced back and I thought he would do it this time too. When he didn't, I was numb.

Plus he was my biggest cheerleader even though I had no idea what I wanted to do in any regard. When things were at their worst, he always was able to make me believe that things would work out somehow, I just had to keep believing. But something you said really hit home with me. When you said that you lost an extension of your identity, I know exactly what you mean. I was always Billy's sister, Billy's best friend and someone who would look after him. For the first two years of my marriage I actually lived 5 days a week at my mom's to care for him after a really bad hospitalization and only saw my hubby on the weekends. It was hard but I knew deep down in my heart, Billy would have done the same for me.

With some of the other stressful things going on here at home, it just makes me miss him so much more. I don't know really what to do other than to keep getting the information out there and making it so he didn't suffer in vain. I want to help someone but I know that I also need help myself. So this is my really long, rambling way of saying thanks for your words.

Hugs

Kim

[ohamydear]

Caution Religious Content: 

RAMBLING.....

Hi everyone!  I am Barbs sister.  i can't remember the last time I checked in.  I am finding myself incredibly busy as the caregiver for my friend with ALS and her son with Autism.    ALS is taking away my friends ability to do things with her children.  She's informed me that they accidently lean on her or push against her and is causes her a great deal of pain.  These talks often lead to discussions on whether or not she'll vent when the time comes and at this point she is leaning against it because she won't be able to participate in her kids lives.  My friends doesn't have a peace about knowing she is going to die & go be with the Lord.  She is a Christian but there is not the peace I've seen in other people that know they will go to be in Heaven.

So, it's been an incredibly hard week emotionally.  I have found myself thinking about my brother Robert, who passed away in a car accident approx. 16 months ago.   I often think how blessed my brother was to die instantly.  To know he is with God, not in pain brings me such peace. I also think about how my SIL was blessed on some level too not to have to worry about his care, due to physical or mental disabilities that might have occured.   And as awful as it sounds, when my friend is having a bad day, (physically in a lot of pain or emotional pain) I wish heaven for her sooner rather than later. 

I am the only caregiver 95% of the time.  There is no family nearby and the medicare provided helpers are not really good helpers at all.  In fact the current helper is mentally disabled herself.  I literally have to give her step by step instructions on how to do things.  NOT THE KIND OF HELP WE NEED RIGHT NOW..  I wish Barb were closer. The one thing I think about often is how it would be great ot have so many family members around to help out and just be emotional support.   People don't realize how important that is....

Anyway, I'd appreciate your prayers and hope you all have a good day.

Blessings to all.

[jackiewitter]

ohamydear,  Hi, it's Jackie.   I too wish Barb were closer!  As I do Claudia and Diane.  The ladies have been a life line for me.  It seems from Barb that you family has a strong bond and I think it is wonderful that you are sharing that as a care giver.  My father was in a nursing home the last year of his life and he was blessed with so many wonderful caring nurses.  He had Alzhiemer's and he was such a gentle soul, all he nurses loved him.  As they did Jeffrey.  Jeffrey would go see Daddy everyday and then I would join them on the weekends.  I could be 4 hours away during the week but know in my heart that the nursing facility truly cared for my father.  I know there are many that do not have that blessing.  Barb has sent many family pictures but I am not sure which one is you.  Again, thank you for sharing your sister.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[robertssister]

Hello All:) and HI to my sis Amy.:) I was just watching the today show and they are in Mindo Equador. is that where you are Claudia??? If so get to there Camera and wave to all of us. :)  I'm doing good very busy at work . I work days for 3 days then 11-7am the rest of the week .   So I never know what I'm doing lately.  Hope your all doing well I miss chatting with you all. How do you put a pic of your loved one on here?? I wanted to put Roberts pic on here.

[jackiewitter]

Hey Barb.  Got an email from Amy last night.  Man you two stay busy!  Putting up the photo is easy, just go to your profile then follow the directions.  There is no need for resizing or anything; they have actually made this quite easy. 

I had a little breakdown yesterday, when I sent the picture to Amy I had to go through my photo folders and I found three pictures that were taken at the job site where Jeffrey was killed.  It was very strange, the photos are some my husband had taken and there are nothing but pictures of the site, raw dirt and some equipment.  There was a picture of a back hoe and I wondered if that was the one that killed him.  I kept trying to zoom in closer to see if I could tell who the driver was, then I wondered it that picture was taken that day, maybe even moments before the accident happened.  I started trying to figure out by the lighting what time of day it was, I was looking at shadows and all kinds of crazy stuff just to try and see what time the picture was taken.  Crazy... Then there was a person in the background of one of the photos and I was trying to zoom in to see if it was Jeff.  By the time I was through looking at them I was exhausted, I was crying and frustrated.  Why do I keep doing these things?  Over a year later and at times I still feel like I am in the same place that I was.  I know what Claudia said about how we beat ourselves up because we are not always on "up" days, but I felt like looking at those photos yesterday was almost and an obsessive point!

I pray for you and my dear friends here.  Today I am sad and I don't really want to change that.  I choose to be sad today, maybe tomorrow I will not be.  Much love to my girls; Peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Barb, I live 30 minutes from Mindo.  Too bad I don;t stay up on current events, though.  I just found out an hour ago that Al Roeker was there yesterday.  I hadn't checked your post until just nbow either.  I would have loved to be there waving at y'all!

Jackie, BIG HUGS.  I know what you mean...  I think I'll be having a few of those breakdowns ober the next 7 weeks as well.  Leaving for the States in the wee AM.  I'll try to post when I can.  Love you all!  Blessings and hugs, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Claudia, dearest friend, my thoughts and prayers are with you this morning.  I know you are probably in route now and I cannot help but think how your heart must feel.  While the reunion with Michael and Patrick will be so wonderful, I know your heart aches being thrown back into the "real" life of the states.  I know that your greif was just as real there, but I can't help but think that Equador provided you a more quite place to grieve and try to heal.  I am sending you an email with my home phone as well as my cell which you probably still have.  Please call me if it gets too much.  I am here for you if you need me.   Know that God has His plan and while we may not understand or agree, we are His and He will never put us in a place where we do not grow.  You will probably not read this until you arrive, but know that you have been in my prayers thoughout, and Joey flew with you and is in your heart as you return home.  Much love my sister, Jackie

[robertssister]

Claudia,  I hope all goes well for you in the states , I wish some how we could see each other. How nice would that be.

This is a picture  Robert he's so cute. He was always smileing and laughing about something . I think he was in trouble more then anything else.  I miss him so.

Jackie , Hello I hope all is well with you . its cold out today I dont like the cold. have a good night.

Love your friend, Barb

[lynnielou]

Hello Everyone,

I can't tell you how pleased I was to find this message board.  I was looking for others who have lost a sibling and wasn't having any luck.  My brother died two weeks ago at the age of 45.  He had a heart attack at home and his wife did cpr.  He was transported to the hospital but he had been without blood flow to the brain for too long a period of time.  He remained alive for 5 more days and our family made the decision to let him go and donate his organs.  The last two weeks have been a blur - we have been trying hard to support my sister in law who has 6 kids, but of course, it is difficult to provide support when you yourself need help too.   Fred and I worked at the same place and I find it hard to be there without him.  I appreciate being able to have a place just to write this down.  Thanks for giving me an outlet,

Peace to all,

Linda

[jackiewitter]

Linda, Welcome and I am so sorry for the events that bring you here.  There are several of us who have lost our brothers around the same time frame and we have band a sort of sisterhood.  I have no sisters, so this has been quite an interesting journey having these precious women walk through it with me. 

My brother was also on life support and I had to make those painful decisions on removing certain medications to allow him to pass on.  He was also a donor.  Due to the suddeness of my brothers passing, there was no preparation, I was just completely thrown off balance.  I had visited this site when my mother passed in 2001, but didn't join or post, but after Jeffreys death I just didn't know what to do.  One of the first people that reached out to me has remained a true and constant friend and prayer warrior.  I hope that I can offer you some comfort or just be a listening ear if you need it. 

Peace and blessings, Jackie

[lynnielou]

Hi Jackie,

Thanks for your note and your support.  I'm sorry about your loss as well and understand how hard it was for you to make the difficult decisions for your brother.  I contacted Trillium (Canada's organ donor organization) and ordered green ribbons for all of our family.

  I was reading your post about finding pictures and going crazy looking through them and it reminded me about our family gathering just days before Freddy had his heart attack.  I have (had) 3 brothers , no sisters , and we got together for Thanksgiving (the Canadian Thanksgiving is in October).  My mother told all of us that all she wanted for Christmas was a family portrait.  My youngest brother gathered all of us together, and took lots of digital pictures with my camera.  I downloaded the pictures to my computer that day and thought nothing more of it.  The day Freddy had the heart attack, my computer crashed and I lost everything off of it and I had erased the memory card from the camera.  This was devastating as we had taken our last family photo without knowing it.  This story does have a happy ending -  my younger brother was able to find a program that restored the pictures.  I have all of the pictures taken that day - I'm not able to look at any of them yet, but am grateful that we have a picture of that last happy day together.  This weekend, my other brother rode his bike to Freddy's grave and had a beer with him.  He invited me , but I can't go to his grave yet.  I guess we all deal with our grief in different ways. 

thanks again for your support,

Peace to all,

Linda

[jackiewitter]

Linda, I truly understand about the photos.  My husband dropped my cell phone in the pool a few months after Jeffrey died.  It had the last text and voice mails that I had from Jeff, he had sent themht before my brother died.   I cried for days.  He had taken some of that air (like you clean computers with) and dried it out but it didn't work.  I replaced the phone and a week later my old phone rang.  I guess God watches out for our carelessness.  All the messages were still there. 

My brother was out of town when he died, he was working on a jobsite and would be there for around 3 months, coming home only on the weekends.  I had to clear out the motel room where he was staying.  I took things from the garbage can in his room, I could not bear to throw anything away.  Claudia (a dear friend from this site) has a tube of chapstick of her sons.  Sometimes she will take it out and use it and she says it's like kissing Joey.  I think that is beautiful.  Point is, you do what you can to get by and try to keep them as close as possible.  

I hope that being here will bring you some comfort, it certainly has for me.  It also allows me to share Jeffrey with others.  He was so very special to me, and while I trust in God, I just sometimes wonder why Jeff is gone.  I believe my most painful part of my grieving is over ( I hope)  and now I just want to share Jeff with the rest of the world.  Again, welcome to BI, I hope that it is as helpful to you as it was for me.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[robertssister]

Linda,

Hello! I'm so sorry for your  loss. My brother Robert died 6-28-06 in a car accident less then a mile from his house.  It has been a very hard year but my Faith in GOD and my new friends here have helped me a lot. This is a very good way to talk to people that can help you through the first few days or hours of your pain. I'm from a large family and I think were a close but sometimes it is just easier to talk with someone else.

Jackie , talked about things to hold on to or just things that remind you of your brother , Robert Always drank Mountain Dew soda I have one that I will never open it was at a memorial service for my brother at a camp that he was on the board.  I dont like  to drink Mt. dew it kills my stomach, but sometimes when Im feeling sad I drink one for him. 

I'm so Sorry for your loss please write me anytime if you want to talk . Your in my prayers,

In Christian Love, Barb 

 

[pandora77]

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to reach out and say that I keep all you in my thoughts these days since finding this board. It's kinda become a lifesaver of sorts for me though I haven't posted a lot.

At the moment I'm having a bit of a hard time. This time last year, my parents took my brother, Billy, to the hospital for the last time. He had just gotten so weak over a short amount of time. The next two weeks will be filled with hard times for my family and I because this time last year we were all in the waiting room of the hospital's Intensive Care Unit. When I close my eyes at night, I can see him as he lay on the bed in his last moments. I know he was at peace but I wasn't. When the doctors took him off the ventilator, it only took about 35 mins for him to pass. My family and I are holding a fundraiser to raise awareness for the disease he had but I don't know if it will help ease things. I've been trying so hard not to just cover up what I'm feeling with medication or alcohol (which thankfully isn't always available to me). I just want to sleep and not see him at that moment.

Thanks for listening and know I do care for you all though I've just met you. Love and blessings, Kim

[diane1234]

Linda & Kim.

Reading your posts snapped me back to the purpose of this board;sharing w/ others who have walked this walk- death of a sibling. I lost my brother Harvey a year ago. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. He died from a surgery gone wrong. I really didn't have the time to say good-bye to him. I have used this wonderful thread to figure stuff out this past year of my grief process.Jackie,Claudia,Barb etc... were G-d sends to me. I honor Harvey's memory today. I had such a crappy Thanksgiving last year (it was right after Harv's Shiva period ended) and I was running around being busy the whole time. The change for me this year is I'm going to not cook and spend Thankgiving w/ my Best Friends family(who Harvey loved dearly). I had to do this for me and stop doing for my family (who really don't appreciate all the HARD work that went into having Thanksgiving last year). It'll be an interesting holiday. I guess I'm focusing on Thanksgiving and I really just need to focus on being able to say NO to my family & my husbands family for once! Harvey's death has given me the strength to do that. I will say good nite or good morning to all, on that note.

Blessings,

Diane

[jackiewitter]

Diane,  I could not agree more about Thanksgiving.  That has always been my favorite holiday and after my mom died, I tried very hard to make it special for the kids.  I would drag out mother's recipies and the girls would help (even my oldest son's finace').  Jeffrey was always kind and would tell me that it was almost as good as moms.  Well last year I couldn't even do that.  We rented a house right on the beach, had a mexican food feast for Thanksgiving day.  I would go out on the beach and watch the sunset with a glass of wine and think of Jeffrey.  Even though we are doing the same this year, I am now reminded that the reason we do this is for Jeffrey.  I lay awake last night wondering if there will ever be a day that does by in which I don't think of him and wish that he were here. 

Brighter note, I am working from home 4 days a week now!  Poor Chris has to make the commute alone, but it has changed things here a lot.  I am able to see the baby whenever I want and I cook dinner each evening.  Not to mention I get tons more work done.  Only downside so far is that I don't get out of my pajama's until around 5pm! 

I pray God holds us all close during these holdiays (or we hold hold Him close).  Didn't know if you knew Claudia was on her way back to the states, I beleive she left yesterday or the day before.  Hopefully we will hear from her soon.  I've got a couple of new pictures to share of Jack working with me....I'll send them soon.  Peace and blessings my dear friend, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Hi Kim,  Your plight sounds so much like mine.  Sleep was all that I wanted also.  I  wanted to sleep thought the night without all those horrible thoughts running through my head.  I drank quite a bit in the first few months.  At first it was only a couple of glasses of wine before bed, but then it turned into a drink when I got home from work and then that continued until I went to bed.  Unfortunately that didn't help my sleep, rather made me think that at 1am  when I woke up  I could call my family and cry...  One night I called my oldest daughter and evidently she could not understand me, she was scared and drove over.  It's 1:30 in the morning and she is driving over thinking  something is horribly wrong but rather finds that I have over indulged...   So after a stearn talking to from my oldest child, I had to try other means.  I did try prozac for a couple of months, that allowed me to sleep through the night, but I was not crazy about the way that it made me feel thoughout the day.  So I am back to "all naturale".  I like this Jackie better.  I still have to be careful with alcohol or I will be back in that crying place and I am so tired of being sad.  I don't believe that's what Jeff would want.  I think he would be speaking to me saying "Jackie come one, lay the cross down, tired of you being the martyr."

I have those last images in my head also, and when they sneak in, I quickly try to replace them with something that Jeff and I had done together.  One of my favorite ones was when he was helpig me paint an old house we used to have on the lake.  I am afraid of heights but I was on the ladder and was scared as it was, he climbed up the ladder behind me until he was one rung below, his arms over mine, then began shaking the ladder, I was so afraid, but I knew that if I fell, I would fall on top of him!  So silly things like that is what I try to replace that last day's image with.  I was blessed that Jeffrey's injuries had done little to change his appearance, but the ventilator breathing for him are pretty violent images.  He also had to remain on the ventilator for 25 minutes after he passed away while waiting for a doctor to pronounce him.  I had never seen anyone on life support, so it was quite difficult to watch.  I watched monitors tricking myself into thinking that they meant something.  When one monitor would rise I would convince myself that it meant he was tyring to respond.  

I hope that you have a comforting weekend.  The weather is beautiful here and I intend to get out and enjoy it some.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[lostgrievingsister]

To all,

I lost two brothers Michael age 24 March 29, 2004 and Kenny 25 February 12, 2001.  I started posting on this site after Michael died and there were never many siblings who responded or came to this site... I am so glad to see that so many are reaching out regularly now... not that you have to come here though I am so sorry for all of you!!!!  My brother Michael was killed in a car accident on his way home from work at 6am it was and still is devastating.  My brother Kenny was murdered by a gang member in LA Calif.  when he asked him to leave the party because the guy was making some girls uncomfortable... the guy got pissed and came back an hour later when my brother opened the door he was shot 6 times in the chest and abdomen and never had a chance... they didn't catch the guy until this March in Mexico and he is currently in jail waiting trial in California... we may never have closure he keeps postponing everything and the witnesses are so scared they are hiding and won't testify (I don't blame them I don't want anyone else to get hurt).  It is still hard every day even after 6 and 3 years... I will always miss and mourn them... I hope some of you are able to find some peace.

LostGrievingSister

In Loving Memory of Micheal and Kenny

[lostgrievingsister]

The picture I posted is the most important thing Michael left behind in the world... and how he lives on every day.

[lostgrievingsister]

is anybody out there I am having a really bad day... so lost still!!!

[robertssister]

Dear Grieving Sister,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My brother Robert died in a car accident too a half mile from his home. at 6am on 6-28-06 he has a wife and 3 children and we miss him so much. He was always the life of the party.

I'm sorry that you lost 2 brothers I lost one and its sooo hard to deal with . I will pray for you that things will get better and you will find the peace your looking for.  there is some great ladies here and they are very helpful. I hope that we can be a help to you.

Your friend , Barb

[diane1234]

Hi all,

I've had a much better day today. How do you post the pictures of our loved ones by our names? Jackie, Barb or anyone will you email me idiot proof instructions. I'd love to put a picture of Harv up too:D I am glad today that my rollercoaster ride has stopped. I think when I'm in the NOW vs the past, I do better. I've been thinking about the holidays today & I decided to focus on X-mas instead of Thanksgiving. I made a beautiful tree in my office last year and named it the Harvey Hannukah bush(my hubby & I have a real tree in the family room). I think I'm going to get that tree out again, this weekend(it's a white 8' fake tree w/ blue & silver ornaments I hang on it w/ Pic's of Harv in snow flakes). My husband HATES it & I love it!!! It just reminds me of Harv & how he always marched to the beat of his own drummer. It's my way of Honoring Harv's personality forever & a day in my heart. When I finish it, I'll take a picture & put it on in honor of Harvey(if I learn how to put pic's on here...I'm a computer dummy @ times). I hope all is well w/ everyone & welcome back to the states Claudia ,if you're reading this

Blessings,

Diane

[lynnielou]

Thanks for your support Jackie, and also for sharing your story with me.  Here we are - not knowing each other, yet having a common bond of missing our brothers.  I'm  so grateful that people are here and willing to share their experiences and advice.  I've been reading through all of the posts here and am trying to take whatever I can - at this point - I still don't believe he's gone - I'm waiting for him to come in for his regular Saturday beer with me.  Thanks again,

Peace to you,

Linda

[lynnielou]

Hello Barb and Diane,

Thanks for your support.  I like that you both continue to honor your brothers' memories and keep him close to you.  Freddy's only been gone for 2 1/2 weeks and I feel like I'm still in a state of shock.  His picture used to hang on my living room wall, but was taken down to be brought to the funeral home.  I haven't put it back up yet because I'm not ready to look at him.  He visited me every Saturday afternoon and would have a beer with me. His empty bottle is still under my kitchen sink.  I haven't been able to move it.  It gives me some comfort knowing that it's there.  My brothers and I have all been to our doctors for tests because Freddy died of a heart attack and the coroner said that it was partially because of smoking and partly hereditary.  We're all ok and have all banded together to be healthier.  The sad part is that the coroner also told us that Freddy had a another heart attack about a month before he died.  He had gone to the hospital and was told that his numb arm was from a back injury - how terrible that they didn't really check him out and figure out that it was his heart.  I must go now, my brother just arrived.

Peace and blessings,

Linda

[robertssister]

Daine,

Hello! I"m glad your doing better. Here is how you get your pic on . go to my account and then click avatar then it will tell you what to do. have a good day I'm busy working nights so I have been sleeping all the time when I am home. I go back on days monday. :) Well I have to go make my kids and husband pumpkin bread and chol. pie. I feel bad that I've been doing nothing but sleeping.   Have a good day all.

Love ya, Barb

[diane1234]

Barb, Thanks for the advice. I hope Harv's picture comes up, it was a month before he died...I followed the avatar instructions. Linda,You are a brave person to be in here 2 weeks after the death.I remember still having people to my house 2 weeks after Harv died and I found this board 1 month after he passed last year. I was numb,angry,ready to sue the surgeon who performed the surgery that killed Harv and I was NOT being close to a g-d of my understanding(I was mad @ G-d for taking my Only Big Bro Harv from me in the prime of his life). I also contemplated sedatives,yet chose to ride the Grief rollercoaster instead(I felt the pain,smiled @ Rainbows, cried @ green pastures ,marveled @ Cherry Blossoms etc..)What a difference a year makes. I ride that rollercoaster less now. My grief seems to come in waves @ certain times(Anniv.'s , Birthdays,Holidays...). I am truely grateful for this thread and the women on it. I would not have made it this far w/ out everyone here:) I am also grateful for my new and different connection w/ a G-d of my understanding. I chose a Messianic path today and that has been a blessing this past year. So Kim,Linda and anyone else needing a safe place to share your true self..Welcome, you are in the right place!

Blessings

 Diane

[lynnielou]

Hello everyone, I'm back her again today.  I thought I was having a good day, but am feeling really lost again.  Everything around me is happening just like it normally would, but inside of me, nothing is right and normal.  I've spoken with all of my family today - my two remaining brothers and my parents.  We're trying to talk normally, but we're not quite doing it.  It's so weird to talk to them about nothing, when all we want to do is share our grief.  We still talk about Freddy - and I think I was wrong - he's actually been gone since October 16th  - so it must be three weeks.  But , everything feels wrong.  My mom is in Myrtle beach, we encouraged her to take the vacation as she had it planned for a year.  She's feeling guilty that she's not her in Canada with us.  I felt like she had to get away and try to relax.  Unfortunately, she told her boss she was retiring on October 11th.  Later that morning, I came to her office with my other brother and her husband to tell her she had to come to the hospital because Freddy was sick.  What an awful way to end your work career.  She's gone on vacation for a month and will return - to a different life - no job, one less son.  My dad is trying to comfort us, and yesterday I told him the preliminary results of the autopsy.  My brother died of a heart attack - he had had one three weeks previously and was misdiagnosed.  He still tried to comfort me.  I feel guilty for not being strong enough to help him.  He and mom are divorced and he moved up north, about a 4 hour drive from us.  My other brothers are working at Freddy's house.  They're renovating his bathroom as his wife can't go in there without remembering finding him on the floor.  She performed CPR on him, which revived him, but only to have him die anyway.  I'm sorry if I'm rambling.  I feel safe here and it really helps me to write this down and share with others.  My thoughts and prayers are with everyone else here and once again, my sincere thanks to this group for allowing me to grieve here. 

Peace to everyone,

Linda

[diane1234]

Linda,

My family still hasn't got back to normal:shock: since my brother died last year. I accept that their grief is too painful to share w/ me & they decided to just bury it deep inside most days(I did cry w/ my good sister @ Harv's Unveiling Last Month). So when we are all together..it's still weird & I guess that's normal for us. I have shared my grief ride in here. This thread allowed me to remove any artifical mask I had to wear around my family or the outside world of the culture I was raised in. Today, over a year later,I can cry or laugh about Harvey in front of my family(they are mostly still stoic). That's growth for me; as I enjoyed the numbness & anger those first few months after he died. I will keep you in my prayers for strength during this tough time for you. I am  lighting a memorial candle tonite for my Beloved dog Hundtie(it's the 3rd Anniv. of her death tonite). Maybe lighting a candle in honor of your brother might help(in the jewish faith, the candle represents the Yiskur/Kaddish- this is a special mourner's prayer for the dead..you can google it). Well I'm rambling now.

Blessings to All,

Diane

[jackiewitter]

Diane,  Good morning, I hope the weekend was good to you.  Nothing too eventful here.  I cleaned Jeff's garden, trying to decide if I want to put anything new in it or not.  In this area we don't have the freezes so many things you put in just continue to grow.  When I lived up north we had seasonal gardens, the old would die off and you would replace it, but in Jeff's garden everything has flourished.  I just cut a lot back and will probably not replace anything.  Those were the first plantings that I chose and I guess I will stay with them.  His Hooter's sign has made it through the first year and has not faded at all.  I know Harvey would "get it" if he saw it, but many people just give an odd stare.  Some even ask "Isn't that a Hooter's Owl".  I don't know if you saw his myspace page, but Nic, my oldest son, did an entire Hooter's layout.  It's hysterical!  Again...something I know that Harvey would appreciate!

I was so excited to see Harvs picture there.  I had seen in before in an email, but it is so nice to see when you are reading.  I just seems like it brings them closer to you.   Have you heard anything from Claudia?   I have not checked my email this morning, but will shortly.  My heart aches for her, one of those times when you just wish you could reach out and hold, like during Harvey's unveiling.  I know Havey's anniversary is this month, please know that you are in my prayers.  Reach out if you need me.  I don't remember if I sent an email with my new home phone, but I will right now.   Peace and blessings dear friend, Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie,

Thanks for the good update :-) I'll check out the my space page for Jeff. Also, we have already honored Harv's 1 year @ the end of last month(the jewish calendar is diff from the american one--it's from when the soul left the body).I'm glad I was able to post a pic of Harv too(Barb totally helped). I hope Claudia can see these posts too. One year ,we'll have to find a fun place & all meet there(maybe disneyworld for our Bro's,the kids & grandbabies).Well I'm off to build only a few homes(market sucks right now).

Blessings,

Diane