Loss of a Sibling

[chiestand]

c ouple thoughts.

"my loss pales in comparison to hers." (said about your mother)

my friend early on told me not to compare my grief with my sister in law...that we each have our own grief, different, but our own and it is huge to us.

another thought: how long has it been since you tried talking to a counselor. not all counselors are helpful for everyone and certainly not all are good with dealing with grieving. I have been seeing a counselor this past 9 months (my brother died nov. 05) and it was the best decisioin i made. soemtimes grief gets "complicated" and there is no reason to be ashamed. You are where you are. My faith in God has been crucial to my journey, and in addition i also had "lots of helpers" as my friend says! i have had 4 very "safe" understanding friends, family and a counselor. I am finally feeling like i am getting to a healthier place emotionally, but it's still quite up and down. somedays not so good!

It's not that you dont' know about God...but what i found hard sometimes was incorporating what i know of God into my new reality. that takes time, but God is so faithful.

this is a good group to visit! people here understand your pain and your grief.

carol h.

[jackiewitter]

Good morning ladies. I just read Claudia's post and I had to smile. Joy in the morning. There are so many ways to apply that. Chris' father is ill and I have thought of that alot. If I have to try and be strong now for Chris, then I have to realize Joy in the morning could very well represent our after life. Weeping endureth for the night is life on earth and Joy cometh in the morning is our life in Heaven, when all this suffering is over. So, now my thoughts are, Joey, Jeffrey, Harvey & Robert (and Carol & Amy's brother) they have the Joy in the morning. While I miss Jeffrey so very much, how can I be unhappy when I know that he has Joy? Isn't it in the Bible that we should rejoice when one of His sheep is called home. So.....while weeping endureth for a night, I am eternally grateful for my sisters that share it with me. Special prayers and hugs for you. Peace and Blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Teeny,

Hi. I just wanted to offer one thing. Maybe you are okay and this is who you are now. Once you have been exposed to the losses, I don't believe it ever goes away. I think that every time a piece of your heart is ripped by a loss then your perspective has to adjust. With the loss of my parents and then the more devastating loss of my brother I kept waiting for the grief to subside so that the "old" me would return. The happier Jackie, that was not scared or sad. I cry listening to songs, I want my Mommie to hold be while I cry over the loss of my brother. This is who I am now, I am a grown woman without her parents or her brother and I will always feel that loss. I will never be Jackie again until I am in Heaven with my family and my Heavenly Father. I have to adjust to my losses and absorb this new person. Like Carol told me, it's like slipping into new skin. I think you are the only one who can decide if you are "okay". I just think that we put too much pressure on ourselves to return to the person we were before and that person no longer exist.

I will leave you all with this, because a dear friend sent it to me: "If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.” (from Winnie-the-Pooh)

Peace and blessings, Jackie

[teenyweenygenie]

I will begin my expressing my sorrow for your own losses. Thank you Jackie for the kind Winnie quote. I am 41 and also at the age where losing my parents is a another fear I contend with. Carol, thank you for your concern. I was counseled for 10 years until I realized my greatest source was God and my need to "incorporate" (as you said) that belief into my own healing.

Jackie, you are correct about waiting for the "old" self to return. After pondering that awhile it does seem I have linked most days of my life to 11/21/92... when all was grand with the world before that. It wasn't, of course. But it was my first experience with loss of a close loved one and my perspective was changed forever.

As for the new skin... I thought on that too and concluded there has been a new suit in MY size with MY name on it hanging around for years which I've been TRYING to take off. Then it occurred to me I HAVE been wearing it, but it's uncomfortable and I still have not grown used to it. To me, death is akin to learning to live with a knife through our heart. It's excruciatingly painful, time passes and we grow used to it's presence learning to maneuver around life's paths...for fleeting moments sometimes forgetting about it altogether, until the occasional bump or jarring of it sends us into overwhelming pain.

The "new skin" I was handed included different eyes to see through. Those eyes are sadder and not quite as bright as my previous ones. They cry more but see more clearly. For that I am grateful and despite my depressing mood of the early morning post, I am often able to help others with their losses in my own way. Candy's death taught me many lessons I am thankful for, the main one being to NEVER take one second of life for granted. She was only 26 years old with two babies, ages one and three. She was happy and had just begun to bloom when her time here was done. It's impossible to understand such things. Death is a matter we all have in common. If we don't go first someone else we love eventually will. It's a bitter pill to swallow. I thank God for sending Jesus to overcome it for us and grant us eternal life. I believe God hated death also, and my sister wears a "new skin" she loves, soars high in and never has to remove nor desires to. Learning to keep that knowledge in the forefront of my mind (rather than the back) is the new goal; to handle death more gracefully... with strength in the future.

Middle age/girly matters now cry out for a loving sister. I needed Candy this morning. There was only one of her and no one to fill her shoes. I am thankful for other "sisters" who understand something she fortunately never had to deal with...

Thank you for caring enough to take time for me during a bad wee morning hour.

Love, hugs, compassion and sincerely,

~Teeny~

[chiestand]

good morning, teeny,

another thought this morning. there is a book i have read and read and re read called "A Grace Disguised - How the Soul grows through loss." This book is about a man who lost his mother, daughter and wife in a drunk driving accident, leaving him to raise three small children. It sounds like it would be too sad of a book to read, but it's not focused on his story so much as his walkthrough grief and what he learned. There is a chapter on God's soveriegnty (sp) which is really good. Todd Beamer's mother (of flight 93/9/11) read it after her son died and had told me about it. My sister in law and i read it too as well as my parents. It's the best book i have read on grief. I recommend it to everyone to read when they are ready.

I think too, there is never a time when you "get over" it. as my dad says, we incorporate this into our new reality. carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, Thanks so much for the book recommendation. I am going to ask a friend who will be visiting me here in Ecuador next month from the States to bring me a copy. I can't wait to read it! I was lying in bed last night as tears were softly streaming, even though I was praying and trying not to cry--I just hate getting all stuffy nosed and such when I try to go to sleep. And I kept thinking over and over again that I wish there was something more that I could do to truly understand myself and why, even with my firm faith, I struggle so much with keeping Joey's joy in eternity at the forefront of my own sadness and pain of losing him. (MUCH like you described, Teeny.) I thought maybe if I could get a grip through my own journey, I could write a book that might help others, because there just isn't alot out there for resources on deep grieving even when you have faith. There are a lot of self-help books, but most of them are godless, and frankly I am uninterested in anything that omits God as the source of true joy and healing. So, again, thanks for mentioning the book...

Teeny, I am sorry I didn't write just after your 'depressing' post. I thought about you a lot during the day after I read it, but I too was having a tough day and decided I would just remain silent for the time being. I'm glad you posted again and shared your heart about your faith and how the Lord is helping you through. I love this thread so much, even though my loss is my son, because I've met some beautiful friends and sisters in Christ here that have made an amazing, positive impact in my life and my grief journey. I hope I can do that for you as well in time as we get to know each other better. I am praying for you. Hugs, Claudia

[diane1234]

Teeny & all,

Thank you for your post. You put into words how I'm feeling right now.I agree w/ everything you wrote! I'm still getting used to my NEW skin too & I don't quite like how it feels sometimes(w/out Harvey).I'm one month from what would be his 53rd B-day and I was anticipating that date w/ uncertainty.I pray his B-day will pass in peace for me(our B-days were 5 days apart).

I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose an only sister(I have 2 sisters & had only one brother).My heart shed a tear reading your post about Candy's death & how youre dealing w/ it thru G-d.I think following HIS will for us was to find this web-site. I've healed more here..than I have w/ my family & a good therapist. You gals in here are my Spiritual sisters & such brave warriors!

G-d Bless,

Diane

[chiestand]

Claudia, I read your post and i so understand where you are. my friend and mentor really helped me understand that my sadness at Gordon's loss was not a reflection on my faith in God. The really wonderful thing i am starting to understand is that God really does understand and has experienced sorrow...but Jesus experieced it as a man...and my grief is not because i lack faith. i truely believe my grief over missing Gordon is compatible with my faith in a God who loves me and cares for me. in fact, i may have quoted this before here, but i love it:

"the riddles of God are more satisfying than answers proposed without God."

(chesterton) So while we don't understand and don't expect to this side of heaven, we still choose to hold on to our faith. in fact, instead of saying "we hold on", it's really more accurate to say that HE holds us! i love how in the psalms there are references to God holding us with HIS righteous right arm. I decided that probably God is "right handed" and usually the hand of preference is stronger!!!! so we are in good hands.

i too love this thread. there were two others, one where you couldnt' talk of faith ! and one where no one seemed to be where i was intheier faith walk and it was dark and depressing. i finally had to stop going there.

you are still new in your grief journey...even i still have stormy times, it's just that rightnow i am in a calm time...for now. love, carol

[Guest Guest]

Hello,

I am not sure how to post messages on this site yet, so sorry if this is incorrect.

It's 3am where I am and I am awake thinking about the terrible loss my family and I have just suffered. my beautiful sister Em (my only sibling)was killed in a car accident only 3 days ago. She was 31 years old. We are in shock and only little glimpses of the pain I am to feel for the rest of my life are hitting me. I am organising the funeral with my parents but really just feel like falling asleep and not waking up. I have 2 young children I am supposed to be helping through this as well as my parents but I fell as though I am not strong enough to support anyone now.

I am just writing to this site as I know you must have been through a similar situation and I am needing advice on how to cope with this. Does anyone have any spiritual/emotional rituals that might help us through this tragic time?

I am anxious about doing anything I can to help my sisters soul find peace.

Thank you

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Guest, I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain that is yet to begin to surface for you. 3 days is no time, and yet I am very amazed that you had the strength to search out support and this web site in such a very short time. That shows amazing strangth and aharecter--I believe its supernatural. At 3 days I was praying for my heart, because I couldn't breathe. My heart was so shattered. I found myself looking up scriptures that brought me comfort, and I believe God led me to the very verse that I chose on that third day to write in Joey's memorial placard. It is Isaiah 43:1-3

But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..

For whatever reason this word from God told me that Joey was not alone in his passing, even though there was no earthly body by his side when he took his last breath. Joey went through his final battle accompanied and he overcame overwhelming rovers and consuming flames. I pray you are able to find that kind of comfort in your early days of grief.

At first I worried about Joey's soul state. But God assured me that He had Joey's soul, and beyond the point of leaving this life, what should concern me more is the state of my own. I think we all want to reach beyond the imagineable for one last touch, one last grasp to make a difference and let our passing beloved know we love them and would do anything to save them...if we could. So, now is the time to thank God for the gift he presented to this world and your family in your sister--as hard as that is to do, because every life connected to us in love is a treasured gift. And now is the time to pray for strength to get through these very difficult first days--you have much to do and to get through, but you are not alone. You don't have to have the strength or the know-how to get things done and take care of everyone. There is One greater than we who is ready to be the Provider of the strength and know-how when you call on Him. I don;t know how my husband or I got through the first difficult days. It certainly was not of our own strength. Yet so many things went so calmly and smoothly, we were in awe. We still are.

Guest, please come back when you can and let us hold your hand, listen, help in any way we can. This site has been a life saver for so many of us, and we want to be here for you too. I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU!!! Love & Hugs, Claudia

[simmy72]

Claudia,

Thank you for your message of support after the loss of my dearest sister Emma.

We are going through the motions now and today will be an emotional day going through photos for the display at the funeral.

Your assurances that Emma's soul is at peace is comforting and I know what Em would also have believed this.

I am sure this site has helped many people and I am thankful for having found it so early in our grief.

Thank you for your prayers

Simone

[4everjoeysmom]

Simone, I am really glad that I could offer you some comfort in this time. I met some dear friend shere on this thread, which is why I keep on coming back. I lost my son Joey in July last year. And hearing what you are going through reminds me so much of the days immediately following his untimely death. I spent two entire days and evenings (solo) working on two poster board collages of photgraphs that we presented on easels for viewing during Joey's memorial service. Everyone loved looking through the many, many photos of the collages and reminiscing on memories and good times they had with Joey. I tried to pick various themes from the time he was a baby to just out of high school for one, and college life for the other since he was still in college at the time. On the growing up board I put together grouping of Joey with grandparents, another grouping of he and his brother, one with hobbies he enjoyed like fishing and sports, and special moments like graduations, prom, birthdays, etc, and a group of all different kinds of smiles he gave during snapshots to represent his beautiful smile. It was hard sitting there, and sometimes one of the family members would come upstairs and look at what I was putting together while making tender comments in their own grief. But I cherished those moments alone working on those collages. It was painful but therapeutic at the same time. All I could think about, (more than my own grief at the time), was how can I best honor Joey? How can I best prtray what he means to all of us? That really helped me through. I know some people offer well meaning advice to let others do things, but there are just some things that we must do ourselves for the sake of the love we carry in our hearts. To me, I felt like I gave birth to this beautiful person, and I wanted so much to share how I felt, because I truly believe no one loved him more than I. This being about your sister, I think you can relate to that. She was and always will be your best friend, your sister, and a part of you, so I definitely can understand how much love will pour from you into that photo essay of her life. I sincerely hope and pray that you can find that same kind of "peaceful" comfort while you sort through photos and prepare your memorial displays. I know Emma would be honored with whatever you choose to display, because it is displayed with profound love. I'm cheering you on for strength and that you will feel a blanket of that profound love surrounding you and holding you through these most difficult moments, days and weeks ahead. Most sincerely, Claudia

[teenyweenygenie]

Hello Simone,

My heart goes out to you.. I lost my only sister also in the same manner. This is very fresh and raw for you right now. I am praying that time will pass quickly for you as I suspect it seems as if it stands still while your head spins. Have faith that God holds Emma tightly in His arms and she is in perfect peace with her (our) heavenly Father. I believe it's we survivors down here having the hard part. When God says He will never leave us or forsake us.. He means never, even as we pass from this life to His arms.

You will need your strength. I will be praying that you feel the presence of God surround you, uplift and hold you. Please try your best to take excellent care of yourself. Rest, eat well, surround with friends and family or hide when you need to without feeling guilt. Cry all you want whenever you feel and without shame. If something, somehow.... manages to strike you funny go ahead and laugh without shame also. That may sound strange at a time like this, but during my own personal devastation God DID send many great family and friends to offer joyous memories and quote funny things my sister had said. I have no idea how I managed to laugh... but it was much needed.

Please remember sudden and unexpected death puts us in a physical and mental state of shock so it's important to look after yourself. I suppose we function on auto-pilot and God (in His infinite mercy) gives us the strength to endure unimaginable things.

You are very much on my mind and in my prayers.

"Fear thou not for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10

With sincere love and compassion,

~Teeny~

[4everjoeysmom]

As you were in my prayers last night Simone, I was reflecting a bit on Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Teeny expressed God's faithfulness very well. The following is part of mt daily devotion for this morning, called When He Seems Far Away.

____________

When we are taken into these dark periods, we begin to see light that we never knew existed. Our sensitivities become heightened and our ability to see through spiritual eyes is illuminated. Unless we are taken into these times, our souls never develop any depth of character. We do not gain wisdom, only knowledge. Knowledge is gained through understanding; wisdom is gained through the experience of darkness.

After we go through these periods, we discover that God was, in fact, with us throughout the entire time. It does not feel or appear that He is there when we are in the midst of the dark periods. However, He is there walking with us. He has told us countless times that He will never leave us.

__________________

I am lifting you to the Lord in prayer. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[teenyweenygenie]

Dear Claudia,

I am absolutely mesmerised by your strength, I too, have a son named Joey, age 21. Unlike your son who went to high school and college, my boy (man) lives his life with one foot on a banana peel and one foot in tbe grave. Joey loves drugs, Claudia. So did my sister. Her drug of choice was alcohol.

When you mention the very name of "Joey" and speak of his death it shakes me. God must have provided you an incredible ministry through your own son's death. What a much needed help for the rest of us who fear such. I only discovered this board a few days ago but have been reading your posts. I have not addressed you directly as it.. was too close to home. Just the name and age takes my breath away.

I want to tell you how very much I admire and respect your grace amd endurance which can only come from the Holy Spirit. Because of my son's lifestyle I live in constant anxiety his time is short. I grieve him while he is stll yet alive. Words cannot express my pain.

There is resentment where love should be, disappointment where grace and mercy should be. Sometimes I am very strong, often I am so weak I cannot see straight. I place no faith in secular counseling as I personally feel it removes God from the picture... and He is my greatest strength. I have thought on this board and concluded perhaps I do not belong here. Maybe my grief is compounded and too complex; losing loved ones with other loved ones seemingly bent on destroying themselves. I don't know where I belong.

Your son Joey...would no doubt be so proud of your strength. I know our children love us and their deeds do not reflect upon the way they were raised. They are not robots, but God's children only lent to us for awhile. It is hard for me to comprehend and accept that my own Joey is not truly my own, but God's gift to me for a short time only.

Your are a jewel and light to this board. I have searched and seen your care and concern for all situations here. Assembling a pictorial within first few ffresh days if yours son's death is beyond by comprehension. You strength gives me hope. God less you. Joey has a very special Mother.

Lovr,

~Teeny~

[simmy72]

Hi Teeny and Claudia,

I really wanted to let you know that both of your messages have really touched me and provided support. I have printed them and carry them around with me.

Teeny, I think we have quite a lot in common. My sister was an alcoholic (a very beautiful one inside and out)and her last 12 months had been wonderful. She was becoming so strong and healthy and had her whole life ahead of her full of possibilities. She had a family and boyfriend who loved her so much, a great job and a good support network. We have no idea why she decided to drink last Tuesday night after so long. She left work happily at 5.15pm and by 7.15pm was critically injured after drinking and trying to drive herself home. Thank God noone else was involved. The greatest irony is that 5 years ago we almost expected this tragedy would occur, but not now when Em's future was looking so bright. That is very difficult to come to terms with.

Because it is so unbelieveable to us, I really feel that for some reason it must have been Em's fate.Nothing else makes sense.

Em's funeral is on Wednesday and we are trying to hold it together until then. This is our last chance to do anything (physically) for her and we want the whole ceremony to be a tribute to her life.

After that, I have no idea. She was my only sister and only sibling. I just can't shake the feeling of loneliness and know it is only going to get worse as time goes on.

Again thank you for the support you have offered to a stranger on the other side of the world.

Love Simone

[4everjoeysmom]

Teeny, Thank you so much for your loving and uplifting encouragement, your so very kind words. From what you describe of your Joey, I can completely relate, as I spent many years worrying and grieving my Joey's actions--especially through his very destructive late teen years. My Joey was always a rebel. But he loved me deeply. I was ALWAYS there for him, no matter what he did. I sometimes didn;t pick him up and dust off his knees for the sake of allowing him to learn the hard way. I knew that I didn;t solely have the power to make him change what e was doing. But I spent years on my knees praying for that boy. I don't think Joey was an alcoholic, but he sure knew how to abuse it when he did drink. He never understood or respected that alcohol could destroy lives. He was in college, and he and his friends typically would binge drink. It's a huge problem in today's world with the young people. My dad was an alcoholic, and it destroyed our family. I always feraed and respected what that kind of addiction could do. But I had my share of addictions in other ways--like approval seeking, and permiscuous behavior when I was younger--always looking to fill that hole in my heart, hoping for love to find me. I ached when I couldn't "fix" Joey in the times that he would mess up so badly that he suffered long term consequences, like losing his driver's license twice to the point that he never got them back. he was on a path to change the last couple of years. he was a college honors level student, and he had really begun to turn things around. I let my guard down a while back and thought with relief in my heart that he would be OK. Then that fate filled last night, he drank way more than a body should handle with agroup of people that spend their life in bars--a last summer hoorah before heading back for fall classes. They abandoned him to walk home alone in the dark country while they stayed and toasted their cheers on drinks he bought them before being ejected from the place they were. Off Joey went, and then decided to sit at the railroad tracks in sight of the bar, maybe waiting for them to come out, maybe changing his mind about walking home, maybe just too drunk and tired. The reports of his inquest hearing say he sat at the tracks and they found a few of his cigarette butts there (in the same place). He must have passed out waiting. He was literally lying across the tracks and was run over by a passing freight train. My family did not see the video footage shot from the train, but the jurors did, and apparently he was so out of it, he lifted his head and looked in the direction of the train for a moment (must have been after the train saw him and sounded a warning whistle). He was too drunk or groggy, probably not knowing where he was, and he dropped his head--that was it.

I had nightmares at first about all of that. I never saw Joey's body. None of us did. It was God's will, as my dear friend Diane put it, that we should remember Joey vibrantly and full of life. God gave me a vision in my heart one night and the nightmares ceased. The vision was that the light of the train became the light of the Lord, and He carried Joey away. He gave me the verse in Revelations... Rev 21:10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and showed me the holy city Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God.. I hold onto that. I believe true wisdom comes from God's Word. And so this has truly shaped the way I think of Joey's death... he did not suffer. He just went home...

But even before this "revelation from God", just moments after I received the call from my brother about Joey's accident, I paryed and decided that I would submit to God to use me as a tool and to witness for His Glory through my pain. It meant more to me to honor Joey's life--even though it was full of mistakes, because the fact is we are human creatures, none without sin and mistakes. Joey knew God and I knew his eternity was secure despite the finality of his last choice. So even though it personally hurts like hell to have lost Joey in this way--to have lost him at all--I know it is more important to allow God to use me through this to reach out to others who are hurting and whose faith is wavering because of the magnitude and depth of their loss and pain. It is a personal choice. None of us have a choice in having to endure a trial in loss like this, but we DO have a choice in how we respond. I admit some days are more difficult than others, and as much as I try, I still have a hard time keeping the image of Joey in heaven at the forefront of my thoughts and selfishness of wishing he had not gone so soon, or before me. But God is good all the time. I hope and pray that God will continue to use me, and it is a continual battle of my flesh and the Holy Spirit dwelling in me as to how much of a tool for His Glory I will be on a daily basis. But the enocuragement I receive from you and other friends in Christ I have mad ehere makes a huge difference in my strength and will power to continue this journey in a godly way. So my friend Teeny, I sincerely thank you for sharing with me that encouragement. I pray God continue to also give you the strength to carry on in Him. You too are a light in this fallen world. God bless you Sister. You are right! HE is our greatest strength in this journey of grief and in our journey of motherhood to our children, be they rebels or angels on earth...they are still His. Just keep being a praying mom, because that is the very most powerful thing a parent can do for their child, no matter the circumstances. Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Simone, You have been so deeply on my heart, and I continue to pray for you thorugh these difficult days of plannng and organizing in the depth of the shock you must be experiencing as well. I believe God guided you here to receive His love and encouragement through us. And I am SO GRATEFUL to Him that you are here so that we CAN give you something to hold onto through these days.

I thought too much of how you feel today, that the memorial for Joey would be my last tribute, my last opportunity to physically do something to honor his life. But you know what? I was wrong. If you read what Teeny posted--and I truly can't take credit for my good deeds in service to God, because that is truly Holy Spirit driven by my submission to be His instrument--BUT! The crux of her message was "how I am responding" in the wake of the tragedy--being "a light". THIS, dear Simone, is an ongoing tribute to honor Joey while I strive to honor and glorify God. He is my strength. And in His strength I am able to live my life and walk my steps in a way that continue to "do something physically" to honor Joey's memory. I speak of Joey and I share his story and my story with others that are despiring through grief and pain, and it DOES honor Joey and it does honor God to reach out and help others in this way. In a way, for me, it keep sJoey alive here...like a continuing legacy of his life, because I know he still lives. He's just somewhere else where it's not my time to be. I have NOT said goodbye to Joey. I've basically just said in my heart "I'll see you later my sweet son, until we meet again...", and I believe you can say that to Em too.

One thing that's very hard is "the missing". I miss Joye being here. You will have that and carry that for Em for the rest of your days. No dount! But I believe the profound love for her that you carry in your heart will keep her with you always. You have exhibited grace and strength in these very first days that most people cannot begin to find for months--some never really getting there. I have GREAT HOPE for you, because I believe God is doing something very powerful in your heart, in your life. I pray that you will in time seek deeper into what that is, because I believe that will become your legacy in this life, and the continuation of your sister's legacy through you.

We can really never know, and maybe we aren't supposed to know, why our loved ones made those last choices that found such tragic ends here. But we are already seeing some "light" being spread in the wake of the circumstances. It could very well be that through the earth shattering end here, the termors in the wake of the quake will awaken something powerful and good in others, including ourselves. I like to think that Joey's fate was orchestrated to deeply touch my life, his brother's life, his dad, his family and friends in such a profound way that not only are we changed forever, but we carry a deep hope for the good that can come of the circumstance, and we are ready to carry that hope into the light and share it with countless others. Your precious Em and my Joey live on in this light dear Simone. Believe that!! Hold onto that!!

A special Scripture for you...

Philippians 4:6-9 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

My Joey was on a path to change too. It's hard not to sit often and think "what if" and "what might have been". But I must also remember that Joey being where he is now had gradutaed to the highest he could ever obtain, to his perfect place in his perfect body, in his perfect state, side-by-side with his heavenly Father...

I pray you continue to find peace beyond understanding and comfort through these next days and always. You have "freinds" here that care very much and love you, and will be here for you. God bless you Simone. Hugs, Claudia

[mofirefly]

Claudia - I've shared this thought before but because of something you posted I felt I would share it again - "Remembering the future you can no longer have is perhaps the most difficult part of grieving" - May your day be one of peace. Take Care!

[4everjoeysmom]

For ALL OF MY Dear Sisters here... I am listening right now to a CD by Natalie Grant called AWAKEN. GO BUY IT fast as you can! It's beautiful, uplifting, encouraging, hope filled, and maybe while bringing afew tears here and there, it's truly something that will bring you some inner strength from God. It's the best CD I've heard in a long time to uplift me in my pain. Hurry... trust me. It's good. Love you ALL!! -Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Morefirefly--so true! I think it can actually be a "snare" that is difficult to be freed from. Praying we all can be free of the snares that keep us from healing... Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Teeny--One more thought... You posted:

"I have thought on this board and concluded perhaps I do not belong here. Maybe my grief is compounded and too complex; losing loved ones with other loved ones seemingly bent on destroying themselves. I don't know where I belong."

I for one hope and pray you keep coming here. You may be in the seeking phase of where you belong, but please don;t feel deterred by your feelings and think you don't belong here. I lost a son, and here I am on loss of a sibling. But you know what? I have found loving and caring "true friends" here on this thread that I know will be my friends for life. In fact some of us have plans to meet in person. (Right Diane? And while I might conceptually not belong here based on the name of this thread, I doubt anyone here is ready to kick me out. (At least I hope that's the case.) We share a lot of common denominators...all of us. There are no limits to grieving...and sharing and caring. So please hang with us for as long as you desire, because no one here is going to say you don't belong here. We love you!! I know I do!! Hugs, Claudia

[diane1234]

Claudia & All,

I have to say amen to all you have written this weekend! I just read the posts. This thread is truely a blessed one. I don't know how I found it after Harvey died in '06, yet I did!!! I feel like there is such amazing TRIUMPH over any pain we may share in here thru HIS glory :-) I also think nothing in this world happens by acciedent. It was by HIS WILL that we all found this thread! Also, it definitely was his will that I travel to Ecuador this year(Claudia,who'd have thought).It's a long story..but long story short; a dear old friend & I got back in touch and she is a native to Quito. Well now we're going in the winter & going to visit Claudia too :-) G-d is good!!! I hope you can join us also Jackie ! Keep coming back all..we're very blessed to have each other here.

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, babies and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

-OR-

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[4everjoeysmom]

blah..blah..blah.. prefer not to make an amusement of my grief. Thank you very much! :-p

Don't know about any of you others, bt my day has been very spiritually uplifted thanks to you all. I love you all!! Blessings, Claudia

[chiestand]

Good evening. I have just read the posts here. Claudia, I am awed by howyou can step into other\'s grief so soon. I kind of slipped away for a few days. Somedays i am able to repond to other's grief, sometimes i have to just wait to respond. This is different for me. NOrmally i find myself involved right away in other's lives/grief. Now i find myself feeling hesitant.

Saturday was the 47th anniversary of another brother's death..he was 2 1/2. it usually does not affect me. but now with having lost Gordon, I find I am more than ever connected with my little Ronnie, thinking how much we could have supported each other. I had another sister, Brenda Jane, who died prematurely also....all i have to remind me of her is a set of teeny foot print, 1 3/4 inches long. I think of her too...of how we could have suported each other.

it's hard being the only surviving sibling...more profound than i could have imagined, but then who ever imagined this happening. i do know that i have connected with them in a brand new way. I see myself as one of four children, even though most of my life, it was just Gordon and I.

Claudia, I am so glad you foundthis board. don't' go anywhere! Claudia, have you written a lot, or are you finding yourself doing it here? writing is so healthy, so much a part of how i have grieved. I am going to post what i wrote about psalm 18. This psalm has become my rock.

love and prayers for all of us. thank you for sharing, and even though sometimes i can't respond right away, i am so thankful for you all. carol

[chiestand]

one other thought regarding photos:

I found it interesting that different ones in the family responded to photos differently. My sister-in-law and I have been Creative Memories Consultants for years and we both have done lots of albums....she had some of her family albums there at the memorial service....they were pored over by everyone.

we also had photos on a PowerPoint at the Memorial Service and these were the ones we all got copies of right away...but here is what was interesting. My mom and sister in law, who are very much alike personality wise, wanted them out right away. My dad and I couldn't look at pictures much at all at first...so we had ours in little albums we could close whenwe wanted to not see them. (my dad and i are a lot alike!)

My sister in law created an album of the memorial week, starting within weeks after his death. it took me until July to start, but fall to really get into it. However i journaled prolificly (sp!) through that time. I have come to the conclusion that differnt personalities respond differently, although, i do believe there is something healing in working with photos at some point for all of us.

My dad had been writing our family story, but couldn't write for a year after Gordon's death. now he is writing again.

I have made two digital books in addition to the two traditional style albums i made. My mom has yet to do the photos of the memorial week, but she want's to do them herself, although i have offered to do them for her. i think she is right, she needs to do it for herself.

we are all so unique. carol

[chiestand]

one more thing:

The following is what I wrote the day I sat down to journal on the words "he's gone." I started to read psalm 18, It's my paraphrase. I dont' think i have posted this before and if i did, it's for the new ones to join us! It's not the whole chapter, but selected verses.

i love this Psalm:

Psalm 18 – before entering the darkness surrounding the first days of life without Gordon.

I love you, oh Lord , my strength

You are my rock . . . my fortress . . . my deliverer

As I enter the darkness of those days.

You are my shield . . . my stronghold . . .

as I choose to turn and run into the darkness.

You will give me strength to enter it . . . and

stay in it just awhile

And you’ll bring me back out into the light once again.

I am calling to you Lord. - YOU must be my refuge

The cords of death will entangle me - but not for always.

The cords of the grave will bind me - but not forever.

I will confront death knowing you defeat it.

I’m crying to you for help.

I know you’ll hear me.

You’ll hear my voice and

you’ll hear my cry.

These tears . . . this despair is for a moment!

They will not last forever.

Save me, oh my God.

[chiestand]

just ONE more thing...i forgot the best part of psalm 18:

"You reached down and drew me out of deep waters.

"You rescued me and set me in a spacious place because you delighted in me

that is what He is doing for me, for all of us...but it takes time, time, time..

ok, for someone who had nothing to say for a few days.....thanks for listening..carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Carol,

There are still days when I don't have the energy or motivation to write. I mostly just let the Spirit lead me. I write a blog for our ministry web site, called Claudia's Corner as www.pathwaysinternational.org. It doesn't generally at this time have anything to do with my grief. I am channeling through it as an outlet to write about life on the mission field homestead--the slightly humorous side that I have to pay attention in order to find it through many of the challenges here that might otherwise make a person nuts in the culture shock of it all. Truly it has been a great source of expression and escape for me, and even healing, though as I said has nothing to do with my grief--or maybe it's just a diversion God has gifted me with for a time.

I love the Psalm Carol. It's beautiful.

I can understand somewhat how you feel about being a 1 of 4 sibling. Just because they weren't here but for a moment does not mean they never existed. Think about this! You will meet those 2 siblings in heaven. They are there! They may be different age and they will be in their state of perfection in God's presence and grace, but you will recognize them immediately upon entering. I have no doubt! My son Patrick is an only surviving sibling now. I pray that over time in learning things from you and other surviving only siblings--perhaps Simone as well--I will understand more clearly some of the things Patrick may feel through his life in not having Joey here anymore. In fact I count on gaining pearls of wisdom. I believe that's another reason God has led me here--to loss of a sibling. The loss of Joey did not only happen to me. I want to be aware and consider how I can help my surviving child, my parents, my family, etc...and even then it wouldn't really be me helping. It would be God through me if I am a good student. I won't leave you all. I promise!

Hey! Diane is coming to see me in Ecuador in the winter. Anyone else?? Gosh I am so excited to think about that. I know it's a ways off, but wow! For anyone who doesn't know, my husband and i co-founded theministry we operate here in ecuador--US based. The sister foundation in development here is being donated a 25 acre rainforest parsonage with fully developed retreat and meeting facility, guest accommodations, etc. SO! ANYONE of my friends who would like to visit or might need to have a break from your life, please know that you would so be welcome to visit here and stay at our location free of charge. We have accommodations for 60 people, so I could definitely find you a comfortable room. This place is heaven on earth. I promise! You don't have to look far to see poverty and pain here in Ecuador, and that's why we are here--to reach out to these people. But we also can accommodate those in need of a spiritual retreat and a need to escape for a little while. Yay! Not a sales pitch. Just wanted to let my hurting sisters know that you are welcome to my home if and should you ever feela need to get away for a little R&R and retreat with God. He built this place. You can just imagine how much His spirit is felt in this slice of paradise.

OK..well I better wuit for now... I just want to say one last thing before closing... Simone, dear heart I am thinking of you and praying for you. I know you must be feeling like you aren't in your own body at times. Know that God is with you, and so are the hearts of myself and many here as we lift you up in prayer today, tomorrow, Wednesday and so on... With Love, Claudia

[diane1234]

Carol,Claudia & All,

I too love the 18th psalm. It was my comfort as well during the tough month following Harvey's death. As the surviving sibling..G-d must have SUCH plans for you in your siblings honor(as he does w/ Claudia in Joey's Honor). I think writing is wonderful therapy too. I write from the heart in here ,only for you all. However Claudia, you should turn your blog into a book on Mission work(and then write another on Coping w/ Grief thru G-d). Claudia, thank you sooo much for the invite. I can't wait to finally meet & see all of the good work you are doing down there :-) I hope that several others in here will visit you too.It looks like heaven on Earth @ your mission. I'm off to work..have a Blessed week everyone.

G-d Bless,

Diane

[chiestand]

Claudia, I keep thinking of the blog you are writing, yet saying nothing of your grief. I have a business and do a lot of coaching of my team. through out my "recovery" i have shared my journey with grief, not in detail, but enough to let them know where I have been, where I am going. i didnt' do it at first, but did it as i was coming back out "into the light." i keep getting notes, comments letters telling me how much they appreciate that i have shared my journey with them and how it has helped them when they think of experiencing loss sometime in the future.

I never shared any detail while in the middle of a struggle, but occasionally, not all the time, i shared with them how God was meeting my emotional needs. I am thinking that since loing JOey is part of who you are, that sharing in small doses about how God is teaching you/loving you/supportting you would be an asset.

wanted to throw that out for your consideration.

carol

[chiestand]

Simone, my thoughts are with you this week and my prayers will be too. one of the things i was talking about with a friend was the importance of someone writing down what is said, what happens this week. my sister in law just couldnt' write and she is normally a writer. it grieved her that she might be missing words spoken, things happening....fortunately i was able to write and kept a notebook. My son's were also blogging that week and it was so good to have their reflections. I saved all emails. how thankful we are that i was able to take notes...the day we sat and told Gordon stories for the family tribute, my husband took good notes. i just wrote and wrote everything. if you can't do it, simone, ask someone to pay attention and write down anything peopel say of interest and little things that happen. i never woujld have remembered many of them. we were in such a fog....with moments of clarity, but oh, the emotions are so unpredictable. our family is pretty outgoing and we were surrounded by people and we loved that...but you can always disappear when you need to. carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Diane--WooHoo!!

Carol, I am going to meditate and pray about your suggestion... Thanks for your support and encouragement.

[jackiewitter]

Hi all. I just made myself sad while telling a story about my little brother and my dad. Don't you think if everyone knew what the emptiness was like before it happened, then they would spend all their waking moments adoring the family and loved ones. If I knew that it would be this sad and this lonely I would have tried to save every kiss, every smile, every conversation. I would have taped the words of my mom and dad and the words of Jeffrey. I feel bad that when my Mom's mom and dad died I was not more support to her. I didn't know that she was hurting, I did not pay enough attention. I just want to scream at the word to love the ones that they still have here. There are people that go sometimes for months even years without speaking to a brother or sister, that just breaks my heart. If I could do it all over again, I would call my family in the morning to say good morning and every night to say good night. There would be no doubt in their mind that I loved them. I know I am starting to sound like a lunatic. I swear I was okay earlier today; don't really know where this came from, just snuck up on me! I just wanted to rant for a while and see how everyone was. Love you all, Peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Jackie, I'm totally with you!! I have noticed how much God is developing my senses through the thoughts and feelings of my grief like the ones you described. I had a voice recording on my old work line with Joey singing happy birthday to me. I wished I had known how to get that recording. I am SO SORRY I didn't do everything and anything to obtain it. And all of those times we could have shot video clips. And not saving his text messages...ugh! The list goes on and on and on... But I guess I have those memories and moments in my heart with the many other treasures that I suppose are eternal, because I can't imagine my heart not carrying all of this love and these memories from here to there. In a way, thinking about that, it brings me comfort. I wonder if alzheimer patients regain the beautiful memories and contents in their hearts when passing on? I used to joke all the time that I would probably be the one to lose all my memory when I get older. Maybe that's why I was so deseprate to start recording my memories of Joey in writing. Come to think of it, maybe what we're stumbling onto here is that we should be paying more attention and recording things here and now with our loved ones still here, not necessarily for us to have later, but for them to cherish after we are gone. Hmmm....??? Anyway, I guess we have to tread oh so carefully in our grief journey as to not let enemy tricks snare us into a trap that steels whatever joy in the eternal we can muster. I am so absolutely certain that our loved ones gone before us know how much we love them, even though we were not as "knowing" as we are today about things that deeply matter. There is no way that love like that can be disguised. From what you have told me about your parents, they were sharp and I can imagine that they discerned in their hearts deeply the love you carry and always did, no matter what was or wasn't said. I guess this jounrey will ever continue to bring us to our knees, feeling good in prayer on many days, and feeling chewed up on others. But we're learning along the way, and that's a good thing. I miss Joey. I know you miss Jeffrey and your folks. It's so hard...

I found a few good book titles today. Anyone read any of these? A couple are from authors who lost a spouse, but the crux is the faith journey through grief. I was just wondering...

Simone--thinking of you today and praying for you and your family. I can't seem to shake your name from my heart for more than 2-30 minutes at a time, so God must be telling me I should pray for you without ceasing. I hope you can feel the prayers and God's love and presence with you. Even if you can't feel Him, He IS there. I promise!! Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Duh! I didn't list the books...

Confessions of a Grieving Christian –Zig Ziglar

Grieving God’s Way – Margaret Brownley

A Grief Sanctified: Through Sorrow to Eternal Hope – J I Packer

A Tearful celebration: Finding God in the Midst of Loss – James Means

[jackiewitter]

Claudia, I don't want to get caught up in the "I wishes" because it could just gone on forever. I do believe that this our hearts are in a more open place than those that have not lost. I think it makes us a little more patient, a little kinder and more understanding. The daily grind does not seem to wear on me as it used to because I know now it is not a big deal, that addage is true DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. I used to sing a song in church called Thank You for the Valley, then I thought I understood it's meaning, but now I know that I truly understand it's meaning. "Life can't be all blessings or there'd be no need to pray, so I thank you for the valley I walk through today." Much love to you. Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie,Claudia & All,

I agree w/ you both. I wish I had known what the loss felt like ahead of time. Then I could have saved Harvey's messages,video taped him,taken him to Disney-World etc... I guess hind-sight is 20/20 . You just don't know the depth of sorrow,until it hits you. I find myself forgiving people their trespasses alot faster; than I did before Harvey died.I do need to call my family more.I find I don't sweat the small stuff either now. I agree that life's too short & we have to make the most of our time here on this Earth.

I pray for Simone too. I hope she comes back & lets us all know how she's doing. Maybe she'll read one of the books you recommended Claudia. Which book is the best for Loss of a Sibling? I need to read more spiritual books dealing w/ loss.Well gals,I'm off to watch the results show on American Idol :-)

G-d Bless,

Diane

[chiestand]

Something someone just said reminded me of something. I was talking to my dad aboutr how bad i felt, not knowing my brother better and not really appreciating his depth....feeling like is somehow let him down as his big sister, by not knowing him better. My dad looked at me and said "i think Gordon would tell you if he could, "it's ok. i understand. it doesn't matter now anyway, anymore." He said Gordon had a new perspective onthings now. that was comforting to me. the issue is with us and our feelings.. the one we love has a whole new perspective.

carol

[4everjoeysmom]

To all of my dear friends and sisters here who are mothers, i wish you a blessed and joy filled mothers day. For my sisters here who have lost a mother, I wish you comfort and blessings in memories and our gifts awaiting us in heaven. God bles syou all! Love, Claudia

[ramona]

My brother died suddenly with heart attack at the age 22 yrs. It's been a month since he died and im facing real tough time to deal with the new,sad and strange sitiuation to me and my family.. It seems I can't get through this anytime soon..

Not with his pictures in every single drawer around the house..not with the saddness look in my mom eyes that she's try to hide to make us feel alittle better..not with everything around me remind me of him..

I miss him so bad..i wish i could hold him, kiss him good bye, tell him how i am really sorry for the cold treatmenthe..and just to see his angelic face even if it's for the last time..

I know It's all wishes but as long as i can't speak them out.. I guess i can write'em down so helplessly..

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Ramona, My 23 year old son Patrick cried out many of the wishes when his one year older brother Joey died last July. Patrick was especially sad because he felt he didn't get to say good bye and that he loved Joey. They were close in age but so different in personality, so they didn't "hang out" a lot together apart from being with the family. I am going to say to you exatly what I told Patrick. "The love between siblings, while not always picture perfect carries an unspoken strength and bond that neither time or death can destroy." Joey was proud of his little brother, though he didn't say it often enough. And Patrick wishes he would have said more, but Joey definitely knew how much he was loved by his brother, how much his brother looked up to him through their growing up years, and even how much he annoyed and picked on Patrick when he shouldn't have. Joey has a deeper understanding and knowing now than we can ever imagine in our finite minds, because Joey has reached His eternal perfect state. And while Patrick wishes he could have said more, there is no need to feel guilty for what had not been said, because the love between them spoke louder and more perfectly than words ever could. I can truly say to you to have confidence in that your brother knows!

I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain, and that which your family suffers that has changed the face of your family. Yes you rmom will have sad eyes. I know those eyes. But at the same time she will love and cherish you and having you there to love will help her to find the strength to carry on. Be open wih your mom, and you may find that she can be an awesome support to you as well. Many times we are afraid that the other is hurting too much to be reminded of our pain. The reality is that your brother is a shared loss among your family, and sharing the mourning and grieving can make a family stronger and deeper in love than you ever imagined. I pray you will find comfort in memories of your brother over time and seeing pictures and reminders won't hurt so badly. You will always miss your brother, but you won't always hurt as deeply as you do today, because love in time helps to heal the brokenness in our hearts. It will take time, and it's ok to have a lot of different emotions and feelings. You may not understand them all, but you can always know that people here will be support for you if you have questions or just want to vent. One month is not much time, and the wounds are fresh. Coming out of the shock and disbelief is hard, but you can do this. My son Patrick thinks a lot about what would make Joey proud of him, and he tries to do those things in his every day life. In time you will find ways to honor your brother. You won't ever forget him, but in time you will remember his life more than his death, and that's a blessing. For today just be, and take it just a little at a time without looking too far ahead. It can be overwhelming if we try to force ourselves to do things too quickly because we need time to process the hurt and the huge change in our lives. Be kid to yourself and not too judgmentally harsh on your past actions. Your brother loves you and he knows you love him. (And don't forget to still wrap your arms around your mom and tell her what a beautiful mother she is to all of her children here and in heaven. God bless you.. Hugs and Paryers, Claudia

[27roses]

I LOST MY SISTER WHEN I WAS 21 AND I AM NOW 30. I STILL CANT ACCEPT HER DEATH. I FEEL AS IF I NEVER GRIEVED FOR HER BACK THEN AND NOW I AM FEELING THAT I AM STARTING THE GRIEVING PROCESS. I AM SO DEPRESSED SIENCE SHE DIED. I CANT MOVE ON. ALL I DO IS THINK OF HER ALL DAY. THE PAIN NEVER ENDS.

[jackiewitter]

Good morning all, I hope you ladies had a wonderful mothers day. Claudia, thank you for the blessings for mothers who have passed. I celebrated Jeffrey being with Mom for the first time since her passing. I can honestly say that I celebrated, there was no sorrow.

Carol said it so right, our loved ones that are gone do have a new perspective. I truly believe they can see into our hearts and know the love that was there, the sorrow of things that were not said belong to us, not to them, because they know. Jeffrey knows how much I love him, he knows how much I miss him and he knows all the things I wish that I had said, all the times that I wish I had paid more attention. He knows those things, I truly believe he can see into my soul now.

Diane, if you find a good siblings book let me know. I am beginning my journals and would like more perspective.

Take care all, may the coming week give you joy and precious memories. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[robertssister]

Hello ! Everyone,

I hope everyone had a good day yesterday. Claudia you were in my thoughts and prayer I pray God gave you the peace that you needed. I miss talking to you all. I have been very busy lately . My brother Daniel Grad from college Friday I thought things went well.

I drove back from Ny yesterday I cried almost all the way home. My heart was just broke I felt bad for my mom and sister in law Jen. Spending the first mothers day with out Robert. Rob and Jen have 3 kids.

Then when I got home My husband and kids were in church so I came in and read there mothers day card and this is what my youngest card said.

A letter to MOM

I'm doing this because I love you,I love you very much,I couldn't live without you, And I think you now that well,If you weren't here with us we would miss you very much,But even though you would be in heaven , I would miss you very much. If you go to heaven first please tell Uncle Chucky and Uncle Robert that we all love them, But I would love you most. Love Devon

Well, How do you think I was doing then. I cried like a baby. My boys miss there uncles so much. They would go to my sisters and Chuck's house and stay over night and they would take them bowling and out to eat they loved going there. We would go to Rob and Jen's house to visit because we lived up there and so we went there alot and they loved Helping Robert and just doing things with him.

Well I hope you all had a good day. I miss talking with you all. talk later,

In christian Love,

Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Simone...still thinking of you and praying...

Barb, Hi. I'm so sorry you've been so sad. What a special Mother's Day card for you... and yes. I would have bawled like a baby too. Today has been total yuck for me--tears all day long, up since 3 AM, and just exhausted. Mother's day was fine, but today I just feel like a heap of I don't know what has fallen on me. I try so hard to not let my spirit fall under opression in this grief. I think that's the greatest challenge--all the lies of the world and the master deceiver himself. Just gotta keep praying for deliverance out of this living nightmare... It's not all bad, really. Just days like today... yuck!

Thinking of you all so very often... Love and prayers, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

27Roses, (I read your post on Anger & Grief) and I KNOW YOUR PAIN!!! I'm so sorry, because it is so hard to live with that guilt and the anger. I didn't lose a sibling. I lost my son. But what is common is that Joey and I weren't exactly on eye to eye terms, and it kills me to think about never being able to (in this life) get back to good. I tortured myself with those thoughts for months and months, and even now sometimes I get really upset. Joey and I had exchanged a few e-mails that weren't so great. And then he got out of school for summer break and headed to his dad's. I was working far from home and had seem him easter week last year. I tried to call him on Mother's Day--only got his voice mail. More time went by. I called him on Father's Day. We talked cordially, and I was happy with that because I knew he was still mad at me for taking this lifechanging job that took me far away for a while. I tried calling him a few more times after that--voice mail. Then...no more calls. My brother called me to say I needed to come home. Joey was dead. I don't know how I survived that. But one thing I am learning and grasping onto is that while I won't be able to make it right with Joey in this life, I can make my life mean more that would honor him. And in that I will see him again when this life is through, and everything will be right. The hardest part (besides the loss and missing him so much) is getting over my guilt, my despair, the haunting memories of bad conversations and such. I said I was sorry numerous times, but it doesn't make me feel better. Nothing does except knowing that where he is now, he has forgiven me, and he loves me deeply, and we will meet again on perfect terms. I think you can hope for that with your sister as well. Where she is now, she is not thinking about your argument. She isn't begrudging you in any way. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that's easier said than done... believe me! I still battle feelings of anger too for the way Joey died--so senseless. It doesn't matter that it's been 9 years for you or 9 months for me. We struggle with not being able to reach out to our beloveds and have our last moment be more special than we remember it. It's here that I try very hard to think about all of the wonderful moments, and what our relationship really was. It was SPECIAL! And one fleeting moment of bad choice of words or arguments or whatever does not define the relationship. Try to remember that. What defines the relationship is love. And you love your sister so much. And I am certain she loves you where she is, and she rejoices to see you again some day. Until then try and do what you can to honor the gift of her life, your life, and the Creator that made you both sisters. Come and visit us often if you find it helpful, because there are some wonderful and compassionate friends here that will help to make the journey of grief feel not so lonely. I don;t know what I would do without my friends here. (Right Girls?!!!!) I'm so sorry for your pain and your delayed grief. Hopefully in walking with us you will find some strength and healing. Hugs and Love, Claudia

[teenyweenygenie]

Hello Everybody,

Been away a few days with child of friend's graduation and the everyday stuff of life. I've read and caught up on the thread.

We all have the common denominator of loss here. I find it helpful in times of despair to remember I am not alone, to remember God walks with me and never sleeps nor His ears tire of hearing me, that the world is full of people who have survived horrible, unimaginable losses who somehow manage to get up everyday and continue... some doing more than merely existing day to day, but even blooming, reaching out as lights of hope to other people who mourn, touching others to help aid in their healing, literally changing lives for the better and doing it with joy. I personally call that ability "the strength of God"; a gift He has given us due to His deep love, mercy and compassion. Our common bond on this board is not only loss but love for one another through each of our losses. We understand one another. It's a special place of uplifting that anyone in any situation can learn and grow from. And it's beautiful.... *smiles*

Now... For all the things we wish we coulda, woulda, shoulda done different, better, more or less of... Let's consider: If we died and looked upon our loved ones weaping, wailing, scrutinizing all the things that happen while people are busy being human...wringing their hands in grief, sorrow, remorse, self-loathing... would we not want them to please stop it and immediately? Would we not want to come down and grab them in a tight hug and beg them to knock it off ? Wouldn't that be terribly painful to see? Even if our lost loved ones cannot see or know let's not forget they loved US alot TOO! Death is an excruciating reality but while we are alive we have our day to day lives to live and things get stressful. It's a thing we do as humans because none of us would be functional in any capacity if our entire being were consumed with each others' passing. We are all guilty to some degree of hurting people we love.. and we seem to do it MOSTLY to those closest to us because they ARE closest to us.

To this day I am haunted by the sound of my parent's initial grief over the death of my sister. All I can say is I pray I never have to hear that sound again in my entire life. God bless their hearts I know they couldn't help it. They loved her. She was their daughter. It is natural to lose control in a situation like that. My point is... that sound... DID cause me to beg my own loved ones to please try hard to not think of my death as "THE END" and complicate it with guilty feelings. When the topic arises I remind them I will be more than happy and peaceful living with God, am only in a different place for awhile and will see and be with them again shortly (as time IS short). My parents suffered the same "shoulda coulda" and I did also to an extent but I KNOW my sister loved us and SHE knew we loved her beyond words. She would tell me whatever "it" was... it was insignificant, to "Oh get OVER it" and was no big deal to her. She would not have wanted to see us that way. If she weren't already dead it would kill her. So, for her... I do my best to focus on the great times and carry her smiling face and the sound of her laughter in my heart.. because SHE.... still "IS".. and will always be with me in every way. And I do not say I "loved" her. My love never ended because her life here did. I love her still in the present tense. She lives with God and in my heart till we're together again in a place we never have to be seperated again. My hope is that the rest of you believe the same. Love to all, ~Teeny~

Will close with a poem inscribed on a sympathy card our family received...

I cannot say and I will not say

That she is dead-she is just away!

With a cheery smile and the wave of a hand,

She has wandered into an unknown land,

And left us dreaming how very fair

It needs must be, since she lingers there;

So think of her faring on, as dear

In the love of there as the love of here;

Think of her the same, I say:

She is not dead-she is just away!

~ James Whitcomb Riley ~

[diane1234]

Teeny & All,

I've just read all the posts. Teeny I say AMEN to your post & poem. It resonates w/ my belief's on Harvey's death! I agree, I think it soo special to remember our loved ones as always w/ us(in the present tense)..they're just away for now until we meet up w/ them again in Heaven.I talk to Harvey all the time(he's just away for now).It sheds a new light on grief for me. Thank you.

27Roses & Ramona ; you are both in the right place. I came her last november after my Bro's unexpected death. This became a place of solace & healing for me.I never in my wildest dreams thought I could view Harvey's death as something that would bring me closer to G-d, yet it did(and I was very mad @ religon those first 2 months). I never thought his death would enrich my life..but it did through bringing me back spiritually to a deep self evaluation & a different view on how I live my life daily today(I take NOTHING for granted today & I try daily to be of service to HIS WILL for me).Also, I found this WONDERFUL web-site & thread! The women in here are truely miracles in recovery from the pains of grief. I read this thread & it amzes me how far everyone has come(Claudia,Jackie,Barb etc...)and how we are there for each other in a REAL way! Such Blessings :-) So Ramona & 27Roses welcome and know it gets better w/ Faith & friends :-)

Blessings to All,

Diane