Loss of a Sibling

March 19, 2007

Mellisa,

You're in the right place. I lost my older brother right before Thanksgiving 2006 and my dear Dog one month ago. I was in a very sad dark place when Harvey died(Marbles too).They were the first deaths I had to deal with in my family. It's been a few months and I can honestly tell you it gets better. I shared my feelings w/ the other women on this thread and they really helped me thru this thing called grief.I will never forget my Brother & how much I loved him...he will be w/ me FOREVER in my heart. I am now in a place of forgiveness w/ his death. You should read all the posts on the thread and keep being Real w/ where you're at w/ your Bro's deaths. Anger is definitely a stage I struggled alot with in my grief.Welcome & where you're @ is totally normal.

G-d Bless,

Diane

March 19, 2007

Hi Mellissa. I am very sorry for your loss. I am sure you heard that a thousand times, but my words are so very heartfelt. I lost my brother a little over 7 months ago, he was my little brother and my best friend. It is hard enough to lose someone you love so dearly, but when the loss is so sudden that you don't have time to absorb one feeling before the next one slams you, that is twice as difficult, and for you to have suffered the loss of two within 3 months, you must feel overwhelmed with emotions. My faith in God and my friends here have guided me this far. There were days when I would check this post 5 or 6 times a day just to see if my friends were here so that I could talk, scream, cry, rant, rage and LISTEN to their pains as well. I prayed and I prayed and while it doesn't seem that the relief was not coming fast enough, it was, I now know that I could have been so much worse off. For months I could not get out of bed without beginning to cry. I still cry almost daily, especially when I lay down at night and think of him. I will pray for you and that you find some solace on this journey. You will understand why people here call it a journey. It's like nothing you have ever been through. There are days when the walk is so long and hard that you don't think that you will make it, and there are days when you can actually smile, then you will be angry with yourself for letting go of your grief if even for that one moment, like you have abandoned your loved one. I am currently in that balancing act, while I have moved past the intense heart-crushing daily pain, I still feel that I have to hang onto it for fear of lossing his memory and all the wonderful things that he was. As sad as it is, I reiterate my friend Diane's words, welcome. I will add you to my prayers and I am here if you want to talk further. May you find some comfort tonight. Peace and blessings, Jackie

March 19, 2007

Claudia, Diane & Barb,

Hi friends. Oh my gosh Diane, you have emerged. You are like a strong tree climbing higher and higher (I kind of suck at metaphors). I am just amazed at your strength. I cannot believe that you were able to delete the pictures. I am still hanging on to sooo much! Chris dropped my cell phone in the pool a few months ago. I can remember telling Claudia that if I ever lost those last text messages from Jeff I would just die. (what you fear most will come upon you) Chris tried to dry it out and I just knew it was gone. For weeks I kept on my dresser and it did not work. I got a new phone and explained to the lady at Sprint what happened, she told me to hang in there, it may work again. After about 3 weeks I turned it on and it did work, everything was still there. God is soooo much more powerful than our technology! I know that he spared that phone for me, but tested my faith through-out. I knew that I would be okay if I lost those messages, but I really did not want to lose them. So he "gifted" me again! Just like the horse dream. I truly believe those are gifts from him. Small tokens to help me get by. I can see in you how you are no longer leaning on your faith, but rather standing tall with it...waving it like a flag. I am so proud to know you! Like Claudia says "you go girl"

Claudia, thanks so much for sharing the blog with me. I truly enjoyed it. I don't think I saved the link, so will you forward it to me again. Congrats to Patrick on the house. He's lucky to have gotten closed, there are some funky things going on with the mortgage industry right now. I wanted to ask you, how does that work for you. If it's too prying, please let me know, but does Patrick ever say anything about feeling like you focus on Joey too much? Do you talk with him about it frequently? I ask only because both of my girls have said that to me about Jeff. I think sometimes that I suffer alone, and one day Audrey "gently" reminded me that she could not talk about it because she was hurting too. It just seems that my conversations tend to go in that direction. I don't know if I should make an effort not to do that or what. You know I value and cherish your opinion.

Barb

Hope all is well. Drop me a line when you get a chance. I hope the spring is visiting you. It has been beautiful on the Gulf Coast (sorry Diane). We even thougth about swimming this weekend, but water was still just a tad cold. Never-the-less my husband got quite a tan sitting out reading Saturday!

Love to all of you. Hope the week treats you all well. Peace and blessings, Jackie

March 20, 2007

It will be a year this friday since my brothers death.. I have been on and off with tears. Its hard to believe that the first year is done. My daughter still talks about him constantly. I miss my brother. My daughter has so many charteristics of him... from sitting like him, her feet look like his,(funny things you remember), his " I didn't do it " grin...

I have been going to threapy for over a year now and I still have some unresolved anger issues, but i am working on them.

March 21, 2007

Edlilsis & ALL,

I hope friday is a quiet day for you. My friend told me that on the 1 year anniv. of her Mom, she was going to serve her Mom's favorite food @ dinner , share happy memory stories w/ her kids & set a place @ the dinner table in honor of her Mom.

I have not hit the one year mark w/ Harv's death. I think I'd probably do something in honor of him for it?? What did you do for Joey's one year Claudia(has it been a year)?

All is well w/ me today. I have to go to the annual Builders Show here in Md today. It's bitter sweet for me . Last year I gave Harvey ALL the FREE pens & cups that they handed out(he loved free stuff w/ trade names on them). I am going to give my freebies this year to my G-d children,neices & nephews instead.

I guess re-learning how to do annual events w/out our loved ones must be a part of the grief process.

Claudia, congrates on your son's new home. May it be filled w/ lots of joy for him. It sounds like he had an angel watching over him during the mortgage process :-)Lots of Lenders here have been squashing deals right & left!!!

Jackie,Thank you soooo much for the kind words!!! I'm glad the sprint lady was able to save your text messages from Jeff :-) I did save the pic's of Harv smiling in the hospital for me(I didn't erase everything..LOL). I still cherish his funny smile & they way he made me laugh!

Well girls..I'm off to a totally testaterone filled event...aaaaaaaggghhh.

Luv,

Diane

March 22, 2007

Hello all.... sorry I have not been on in a while... as if life could not get more hectic my family is really struggling right now. 2 weeks ago we had to put my brother in a alcohol re-hab and then this past sunday we lost my grandma. I know that is was for the better because she was suffering ( I will provide details later) but it is so close on the heels of my sister that I am really having a hard time. I almost feel as if I'm being tested and I just want to know at this point if I have passed or failed. I can't handle too much more of this. I'm so glad that I have this place to go to. Life keeps moving around me and I just want it to stop for just a while so that I can catch up and get my bearings.

Thanks as always for listening

March 22, 2007

Hello all,

Sorry I have not been around my computer has been having so trouble, its better now. How is everyone surviving? I call it surviving because that is how I feel each day, like I survived another day without my brother on earth. One thing that honestly helps is I know he can hear me speaking to him. My sister had a dream recently that she saw him and couldn't believe that he was standing in front of her. I have had similar dreams. Have any of you?

Have any of you reached 6 months or a year? I have moments all the time where I am fine and then I just break down. Does it get better as time goes by or will I feel this forever? How about when his birthday comes in July? I will continue to survive one day at a time and I know you all will too. SorryI haven't been here, but I am here now.

March 22, 2007

hi all, someone sent me this link on my blog because I was diagnosed with advanced stage cancer sept 2006 and then my brother was killed in a motor vehicle accident nov 2006, after I had only been home for 6 days from the hospital after my surgery. I have had so much happen I don't think I have had time to deal with any of it...I am 28 and my brother was 29. I am in treatment for my cancer too. Just wanted to intro myself.

March 22, 2007

the post below is mine...just getting the hang of this

cheers,

fulky

March 22, 2007

Hi My Dear Friends, Please forgive my long pause in visiting here. I have been working all week in Quito, been staying so busy, and it has been amazing!

Diane, It has not been a year yet. I lost Joey in the wee hours of July 31st. I don't really know what I will do, if anything, different on that day. I try to honor his memory and his life every day. On a regular basis Joey's life is shared by me with others in ways of testimony to God's love and goodness, and certainly His strength. I have a peace lily that I intend to plant in his memory in my front yard. I have a piece of art he made in the 4th or 5th grade (a metal sheet with a carefully scratched out image of a tropical fish) pinned to the front of my refigerator. And just today I visited a woman in an devastatingly poor community who was victim to a mudslide three months ago, along with her several children. Her youngest child, barely under 2, was killed in that mudslide which caved in the roof of their home. (They live on a dirt street along a mountain slope, and their house literally backs up to a mountain overhang of dirt that erodes when it rains.) I shared with her how much I know her pain because I too have lost a child not so long ago. We shared hugs, kisses, and condolences--and a few tears. But she was able to see how good God is in the simple fact that I could be there, far from home, showing love and compassion to her for her loss. That, I hope, is one of the best ways I can honor Joey--to touch someone else deeply in a life changing way.

Jackie, Patrick and I talk less right now about Joey specifically than we did in the first few months. Initially we talked a lot, but then I sensed that Patrick was beginning to be able to focus more on his life events. And I am grateful for that. I know there isn't a day that goes by that Patrick doesn;t think about Joey. And occasionally I will say something like it would be nice if Joey could be here to see or share this or that. I even said to Patrick that Joey would probably be jealous a little that he was buying a house. And we kind of laughed a little about that. Occasionally Patrick will say something. But in all honesty, I realized that when Joey was here, my time spent with or talking to Patrick was focused on Patrick--not Joey. And I need to try very hard to maintain my relationship with patrick as it has always been, because we have a beautiful relationship, wonderful and humorous often times. I wouldn't want to spoil that by constantly overshadowing the focus on Patrick with things about Joey. We know without having to say anything at all that life is changed without Joey here. And many things will hapen in Patrick's life to come where he will feel such a deep void without his brother. I know during those times he will come to me and we can talk about Joey, cry, laugh, and love. It may sound cold, and I see so often on this board that people are tired of the concept of "moving on", but truly we are doing everything Joey would want us to do, and we are healing slowly and together, and are trying as best as we can to move on--getting back to our lives. Of course it's different. But just because our lives are different doesn't mean my relationship and the way I have always communicated with Patrick should drastically chnage. I truly wish every parent here with surviving children could cross that hurdle and see how very important that concept is--to keep the relationship continum. It will be different to a degree, but it doesn't have to be tainted. I don't know if that helps, but I do pray that you can find some direction that will guide you to know what is appropriate for you and yours. I think as our natural maternal instincts kick in, we know when we need to say something, and when we just need to listen. Try to, if you can, get back into a pattern of commyunication you shared prior to Jeffrey's accident. It really is the best medicine for the relationship. Trust me! No one will forget Jeffrey. And when we get to apoint where we begin to live freely again, knowing we can talk about our lost loved ones together in certain times, and carry on otherwise at most other times, it feels less like the whole family had to die along with Jeffrey. Does that make sense?

My blog address is http://rawgod.com/blog/category/claudias-corner/

I posted a new one a couple of days ago. I'm glad you enjoy reading my mission experiences with a little touch of grace and humor.

Wow have I ever had a week! We visited orphanages, school for extremely poor children, another foundation here that we may coordinate with on a few projects, a poverty beaten community where we are going to be hosting a July medical clinic, and have done countless other things that just blessed us I think as much as it blessed others here--and others were blessed tremendously. We are working on photos and a new ministry report, and hopefully will have something to share soon. It's just so powerful and good to let time eat up the opportunity to share this with everyone while it is so fresh. That's why I haven't had too much time to be on BI, and have responded only sporatically to what I thought was most critical at the time. I love you all, and I knew you would understand.

AngelJason, I am so sorry for what you have endured and continue to face each moment of each day. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I pray that you will find comfort and strength in coming here to BI for moral support, and an undying faith in God despite the traisl of this life. I am learning that one answer to why do good people have to siffer is that when good people do suffer and can still reflect toward others the light and love of God, it's a testimony that nothing in this world can outweigh. People see how we respond to trials, and when we can respond within the grace of God, it changes our lives and many lives around us--all for His glory, so that we can spend an eternity basking in it with Him. It may not make a lot of sense right now, but if you can ride along for a while and share in the witness of myself and others that have experienced deep loss and pain, and have found deeper rooted faith despite that, you will see what I mean. Love & Hugs, Claudia

Love to all! Ciao for now. -Claudia

March 23, 2007

I LOST MY LIL SISTER, ALEXIS A WEEK AFTER LOSING A GOOD FRIEND. THE PAIN IS STILL HERE ALMOST 3 YEARS LATER. I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL ANYMORE. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HERE. I HOLD ON TO HER MEMORY SO TIGHT....I WAS DRIVING THAT CAR THAT DAY AND I WISH I COULD TAKE THAT TURN I MADE ALL BACK......

March 23, 2007

Claudia & All,

Wow...I will amen everything you said!!! I agree w/ the concept of moving on & Never forgetting our lost loved ones. I call it faking it until I make it(kinda what my spiritual focus was like right after Harvey died..I had to fake it for awhile for the sake of others).I don't have to fake it today. I walk as you do..w/ the Lord. I believe HIS Grace kept me going for the past 5 months until I walked back into the Church/Temple. I'm having my Pastor/Rabbi to our home for Easter w/ my family. That's a big leap for me..as I wasn't talking w/ him for awhile after Harv passed on to a better place. I guess I'm choosing to live a more positive walk right now. Claudia,I applaud the work you are doing w/ the people of Ecuador. I'm visiting my friends in DC this weekend from Quito. I wish everyone the best this weekend...just keep writing where you are at & I'm sure you'll find an answer on this board.

Huggs to All,

Diane

March 28, 2007

I got the call at 1:00 on February 13th (6 weeks ago) from my mom, telling me that my sister had died (until the day I die, I will never be able to get those words, that phone call out of my head). She had gone to bed and not woken up. She was only 43 and so beautiful. We still don't have a cause of death - waiting for toxicology! They say the time of death was between 5 and 7 in the morning - but I know it was between 5 and 5:30 - she lived in CA and I'm in CO, and on that morning for no reason, I woke straight up from a sound sleep at 6:30 Mountain time. Her husband didn't find her until later that morning. He's trying to make people believe that it was suicide, but I know it wasn't! Who goes to bed at night, sleeps then wakes up and says "that's it, I'm doing it" - at 5:30 in the morning!!!!??? NO! Plus, she promised me that she would always be there to take care of me and to grow old with me. I'm a cancer patient. It's so hard not knowing the cause of death, yet, what difference does it make? She's gone = I'm dying inside. She was my rock and my idol. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I thought cancer was hard, ya know, being told you have cancer, having my breasts removed, the chemo, more surgeries - I thought it couldn't get much worse then that...But nothing - nothing can compare to the pain I'm feeling. I feel like she was my reason to fight to get better, but now...to hard. Oh, if you saw her - she was breathtaking, she absolutely lit up a room. WHY does the damn toxicology report take so long?? For all we know, it was natural causes, but they won't tell us anything! I know I'm rambling - I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with pain. I can't get that phone call out of my head or the image of her lying in her bed..dead. My dad got to see her before the coroner took her away - he said she looked peaceful. I don't know if I can handle this.

March 28, 2007

MBS-Kim, I haven't lost a sibling. Actually I lost my son. But I have bonded with several women here at loss of a sibling and I visit often to keep in touch. Your post breaks my heart. I know EXACTLY what you mean by that haunting phone call playing over and over again and the image in your head of your beautiful sister lifeless. The exact same thing happened to me regarding the image of my son. I never saw his lifeless body. None of us did except for the emergency team, coroner, and our memorial director. I don't regret that decision, because my mind plays enough horrors of images. I can't imagine my nightmares had I seen. I can remember Joey always full of life, and that is how I picture him now. The images of him lying there lifeless are slowly fading away. Thank God! At eight months now I do still have the phone call from my brother play over and over in my mind--not as much as at first, but it still happens and my heart palpitates when it does. In fact it happened again just a few days ago. I don't know if that will ever go away. Tonight I cried during dinner. The tears just fell. I miss my Joey so much. It still seems kind of surreal, and I wonder if it always will. But I have strong faith, and I am certain Joey is fully alive there. I will see him again for an eternity. I just have to walk my time here until the task of my life is done, missing Joey. It's hard, but I get through with the strength of my faith. Facing mortality seems harder when we lose someone we leave. Often it seems much harder than if we are the ones facing death instead of those we love dearest. You have battled cancer, and I pray with the surgeries and treatments you are cancer free now. One of the things I do to keep going is find ways to honor Joey's life in things I do. I created a memorial web site for Joey, which was very therapeutic--not just for me in creating it, but for family and friends that have a place where they can visit Joey as often as they want and need to. I am a full time missionary in South America, and I try to find ways in my work to keep Joey with me. I'm not certain where you are in your faith, or what things you may think of to honor your sister's life. But if you can find ways to do that, it can bring you comfort. I will never know for certain why my son died when he did and how he did. But the certainty I do have is knowing I will be reunited with him some day for a lot longer than this life ever could offer. I hope you can hold onto the special love you and Kim shared, and I pray you will be uplifted and able to carry on through that love. Hold onto the words from your dad that Kim looked peaceful. She found peace and still fully lives in that beautiful place where my Joey is and where so many of us here have submitted our loved ones against our wishes and desires. Hold onto hope and knowing that you will be together again one day forever. Hold onto Kim's love and yours. Continuing her legacy here is worth fully living for. I am praying for you! Love & Hugs, Claudia

March 29, 2007

It was 5 years ago.. in a few days.

I lost my twin brother in a fiery accident 5 years ago. My brother, father and I were working on an old vehicle that caught fire that hurt my father and burned my brother to death - before my very eyes.

Needless to say, it was horrific. I cannot dream a worse nightmare than what I witnessed that day. I cannot forget the sounds of his pain... the smells... the shot of raw adrenaline that pulsed through my body, as I tried to rescue him but could not because of the size and heat of the flames that engulfed him. The utter helplessness... the finality... and the sight of my beautiful twin brother naked, his clothes burnt off... unrecognizable because of what the fire had done to him. The moment was a blur... my father, battling to extinguish the flames that burnt him - and me, trying to break through a wall of flame that was fueled by a gasoline leak.

My Dad's eyes, after I pulled my brother from the fire were so confused. I don't know what mine were.. as I tried CPR, knowing full well that what I was doing was impossible. My brother... Tyson... He was a mess, but for some reason at that moment I didn't notice - and I kept trying. My father waived me off saying, "Matt, he's gone." And those words still ring today. The EMT had arrived by that moment, and the look in his eyes is one I'll never forget... the look of "I can do nothing here." I instantly felt bad for him. The barrage of firemen and onlookers came...

and then, came the last time I saw my brother, before I was taken into the ambulance to treat my own burns. To begin healing my own hurt.

My brother, was to be cremated. I never saw him again.

That day.. was my idea. It was Easter Sunday. I had decided to make the 200 mile trek to visit my parents that Easter and had asked my brother (who lived in another city at the time) to drive down and join us too. I hadn't seen my brother for about a month, which was sort of rare for us. We had both lived in the same city but I had moved a few months previously to take a job in another city a few hundred miles away.

Easter Dinner was wonderful. My brother and I bantered on about our current jobs. (we were both 25 and the world of professional work was new to us). I could see my parents bask in the fact we were all together in the house - carrying on like we had when we were younger... I was so happy we both drove up to spend the holiday together...

My father owned an older pickup truck that was rusting away near his shop... and I had asked at the table what he thought of me fixing it up and using it as an old beater fishing truck/ whatever... He said he wasn't using it and that was fine. I asked if it could still start. Dad thought maybe so, but it might be work to get it going. My brother chimed in and said he could help get it started (he was always more mechanically inclined than I) and then it was decided: We guys would all get together and start this truck today! It was a mission. We finished our dinners and walked over to my father's shop to attack this chore. It was.. nice. This was a farm that I grew up on - we were always fixing something. It felt good to be a part of this process... it was like old times. My mother even came over and took pictures of us tinkering away. She left before it all happened...

I'm going to spare you the details of the fixing, but to say this was the cause of the accident. Several gallons of gasoline had been drained on the ground and while starting the vehicle (me in the pickup cab, pumping the gas, turning the key) and my brother and my Dad under the hood, feeding the carburetor gasoline.

The truck backfired flame through the carburetor and spewed gasoline onto my father and my brother.

Both were ablaze. At this point, it was like watching a movie with no sound, everything in slow motion - though it was all happening MUCH faster than my brain could react.

My father ran blindly into a ditch and smothered himself.

My brother ran in the area where gasoline was spilt (saturating an area about 25 feet in diameter, if not more).

The world erupted. A wall of flame shot into the air and around my brother - he no doubt was blinded by the fire and the smoke, collapsed to his knees.

The fire was too intense. There was no extinguisher. I could not "superman" into the flames to pull him out. I tried and my own body betrayed me as I started burning myself.

I scrambled frantically to find some thing to shield myself, or a find water, a tarp or something to smother this inferno. Nothing. All I could do was scramble and I found nothing. My brother was still inside the flames... this burst had to have gone on for at least a minute - and then the flames died back. I was able to jump into the diminishing flames, grab my brother.... scream through the pain of myself being burned by grabbing onto his charred clothing and arms and drug him from the fire.

His boots still burnt.

My brother was dead.

My dad and I ended up going to a burn center. My father was burnt on his hands face and back and receive a skin graft to his hands.

My face and hands were burnt - but I didn't require skin grafts.

I spend about a week in the hospital, and my father about 3 weeks.

I was not disfigured - though it took many months and rehabilitation to get my hands to work well again... Today, surprisingly you can't see much damage. Though, I lost nearly all the skin on both hands - I didn't think I'd even be using them again.

My father has healed well too - you can see the grafts on his hands- but they are not terribly noticeable.

Our scars, however, are not on the outside.

It's been nearly 5 years since this happened.

I've realized a few things. I learned that my brother was my best friend. I don't bond very well with men, or have any really close male friends. I guess no one could fit the role of "best friend", like my brother had.

I've learned that I will never get over his loss, and that many people don't understand what real loss is.

I've learned life is super unfair, and bad things can happen to good people.

I've learned that I'm currently delaying my own happiness because I feel like I probably don't deserve it.

I realized that what I thought was important 5 years ago, is not very important to me now. I hate my job. I want to do something that matters. Yet, it's so hard to change. And when I don't, I feel worthless.

I've become closer to my sister (younger) because of what happened.

My mother has distanced herself from me - no doubt because she can't become attached again and be hurt like she was before - though she has no clue of how it's effected me. My Dad is hard to figure out. I guess he's tried plowing through this the best he can, but this accident has opened up other wounds in his life... He's always there for me though.

I realize, after 5 years that I feel like my life has barely moved forward. I am getting married soon (this is a good thing) and my life has gotten a bit more stable. But, I feel like I am wasting some gift that I was given from my brother. I get to live - he does not. No one (outside of my family) understands what March 31st is to me. My fiancee, sadly, forgets that this day is one I need for reflection. She's invited people over to our house for a gathering. I'm not too sure how I'll be. I'll probably be normal as usual... but I always like reserving this day as one for allowing myself to grieve openly over my brother.

It's not her fault, she's never had loss like this.

But, I hate to make myself more important than I am and squashing her plans by cordoning off a day to grieve or remember. I don't like drawing attention to myself.

I am sorry, I've vomited out this emotion and fact to all of you.

I guess the fact is that I miss my brother so very much. I try to deal with his death every day.... I just wonder if I will ever turn this negative into a positive - and get on with my life in the way that I want to.

I've cried so much in the past, and I want to cry today but cannot...

March 29, 2007

Dear Matt, I am so very sorry for your pain and the loss of your brother, your best friend. No words thta I could say can comfort you enough, but please know that you are understood, along with all of the heavy, painful emotions and memories of that day. I am sorry that you feel you cannot gireve as you need or want to. While five years seems like so long, when somoene so special is ripped from our lives, nothing ever is the same, no matter how many years pass.

I am a mother who lost my 24 year old son Joey last July. His death was very sudden, tragic and traumatic. He was killed by a train. It was a terrible accident, and no one was there to save him, if he could have been saved, which there was no way of as well. The injuries were too severe. He left behind one brother a year his junior. I talk with my younger son Patrick often, and I know it is extremely difficult for him. No growing up together, trading stories, sharing dreams, marrying and being best man, or raising kids together, comparing notes and offereing each other advise and support. The future has changed, and there isn't a single day that goes by that we don't all wish it were different and that Joey was still here. The survivors guilt sets in, and often survivors don't feel worthy of happiness. And while what happened to your brother was part of a chain of events that you participated in, his death is NOT your fault. It was an accident; a terrible accident that unfortunately you couldn't help to fix. I'm so sorry that you live with that guilt that only magnifies the pain.

I am a woman who mourns my son. Your mother is equally a woman who mourns a son. Mothers are never the same when our children die before we do. It's not a natural order of things. You are probably right. She is protecting herself from further pain. Being a twin, she probably cannot look at one and not see the other. And in seeing the other it hurts so much. But please do not feel guilty for that. It is something of life that we as human beings cannot fully comprehend. Pain and loss of this magnitude is so terribly difficult, and we are forever changed by it. I hope one day you and your mother will be able to resume a closeness that has been hidden to a degree since that day. I'm certain she loves you so much.

I am also a woman of faith. I have learned a few things too since my son's passing. I've learned that we are all created by a loving God. He desires for us to belong to Him, not simply by being creation, but because he desires us to know and love Him as a father and as a friend. I have learned that we belong to Him first before we are even breathed to life, and whether or not we know it, He weaves a tapestry of our lives which contains every detail and fiber of our being. The length of our lives down to the very minute detail is known by Him. And when He has chosen the day for each one of us, there is not a single thing another person can do. It's all in His hands. Many think He is selfish and cruel because He gives and takes away according to His will and plan. He chooses who will belong to what family, and each child, sibling, parent, and so on is a gift for us to cherish, but never to own because we are already owned as His and He desires our ultimate destiny to ALL be reunited with Him far beyond this world and for far greater a time. We take it personally when we lose a parent, a child, a brother, and a friend, as if He is hurting us on purpose and stealing back what he gave. But God looks beyond this life of ours in this finite home. He looks beyond our comforts and knows better than we what it takes to get there. He hopes that we learn along the way, adopting more of His ways and surrendering more of ours. Many find it hard to love a God that is in such control. But whether we do or not, He is and always will be in control. We fight Him, blame Him, hate Him, and dismiss ideas of ever knowing Him. But in the light of tragedy and trials, I have learned to know Him and to love Him is the key to triumph in these trials. Without a doubt I know this life is temporary and that there is an eternal future where I will see my son again and live forever reunited. That is what gets me through this painful life. I have so much left here to live for and be happy with. But I long for my son too. And it comforts me to know that his death here was not his end. It was the neginning of his journey to eternity--where I WILL see him again.

That may sound hokey to you. But it's the only way I can grasp any part of what's happened in my life and not fall apart beyond repair. God is my strength and my refuge, and because of that I can go on without guilt. I couldn't control the time Joey departed, no matter what I would have done--successes or failures. His time was chosen way before he was born. His mission in life was shorter than many, and I'm not even sure what that mission was entirely comprised of in the sense of what matters to God. But it was his mission none the less. We each have a mission. And my hope is that my mission honors the life of my son, and the God who rescues me. It may not mean that He rescues me from pain, but He will ultimately rescue me one day to His place, where Joey lives, where there is no pain, no tears, no suffering, just joy, peace, perfection, and the face of a father and friend who will at that time make everything known and clear regarding our journeys. Until then all I can do is know Him, love Him and trust Him.

Again, I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. I don't know how to offer hope without sharing my hope. I hope you don't mind. It may not be your hope now. But maybe you can reflect in time, and ponder on what is beyond this life and into the eternal realm. You might even catch a glimpse of a perfectly alive Tyson standing by.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I pray you find peace and happiness, and that you find a comfort and joy that far outweighs the guilt. As March 31st approaches, I pray you can think more on Tyson's life then and now, and less on the death. Death is tragic and final here. But it's only a temporary moment between here and heaven. My prayers are with you and your family, Claudia

March 29, 2007

Claudia,

Thanks for your kind words and thanks for sharing your loss too - I am very sorry to hear it. It gives me some good perspective too, especially about my Mom. It made me feel like I could understand my Mom better - after hearing what you said. You're much more open than she is...

Thanks for reading the whole event. Sometimes it feels better to write it all down as to the how it all happened... as timing had all to do with how I feel today; how an amazing day went totally sour such a blink of the eye. I think, when you witness death of someone you love, something happens to you.

Although, my mother wishes she had been there when the fire started, all I can tell you is I am beyond happy she doesn't have to process what I did after being a part of that. I know she hurts because she never got to see him, or help. But I feel better that she didn't have to see her son in the way I did. Maybe I think too much of myself. But, I dont' think anyone should have to see someone they love in such a sorry and disfigured state. I think enough innocence was robbed that day.

Death is a such a weird thing. It's effects are like ripples in a pond- it touches everything...

I know loss is not unique - after all, we'll all likely experience it. Yet, it felt good to share this with you.

To be honest, I don't focus as much these days on how my brother died - What I notice most now is his absence. It is like a dull aching void. My best man... gone. My confidante.. gone.

I do pretty good at covering that up - but you know, it's just there. It's up to me what sort of energy I make of that feeling.

I appreciate you sharing your sentiments about the Lord and his relationship to us.

I can say that I'm not nearly as angry now as I was then. The unfairness of this "merciful" God was appalling. Now, I don't know what to believe. I do think I'm meant to do something good from this terrible event. I do think that He never gives us more than we can handle...

But, I've yet to subscribe to the "larger plan" theory. I think God is loving; he's just like a shepherd. But, you can't watch the sheep at all moments. Today, I don't blame him. But, I can tell you I don't understand God and his role in this. All I do know is that I think a lot about my brother watching over me (My brother and the other relatives who have passed on, I think of them together) and that makes me feel good.

But, sometimes it feels like life is too trivial and I see people spinning around doing crap that makes no sense in the grand scheme of things. I guess I want to do something that matters.. something that at the end of the day may an actual improvement in the world. Maybe, when I die I'll have made things better. Maybe I'm an idealist.

I have forgiven myself for what happened that day. I can't change it. I would give my limbs to make it right again. I can't. All I can do is move forward. I think sometimes I get the most depressed when I realized I have not moved forward as far as I would have liked. That's my biggest hurdle.

I do have to say this - your loss will improve with time. You sound like a very healthy person and the fact you're sharing your loss with others is probably the best medicine you can take. I cannot imagine how you (or my Mother for that matter) feels. I can only say is that your son would never have wanted you to feel this pain - and that if he could take it all back he would.

You're a good person, thanks for your sweetness and your kindness. It made my day. Bless you Claudia.

March 29, 2007

Matt, It does my heart good to know anything at all I shared has helped you in some small way. From a mom's perspective I am glad that a little bit of insight into how you rmom must feel has been enlightening for you. No matter though, each one of us processes pain, loss, grief and bereavement differently. I have heard of some moms being lost in their grief for many years, and others who wade through the best they can. That's really all we can do. If ever you have an opportunity to share with your mom, this web site has a great fellowship for parents who have lost adult children. It could serve as an outlet for her as well. I suspect she keeps a lot to herself from what you shared.

Thank you for sharing more about yourself. It helps me to understand better what you are feeling and going through. I think all of us are meant to do whatever we can to turn the bad in a situation to good for the sake of everyone who encouters us. How we respond to what happens in our lives speaks volumes about our character, and whether or not we have godly character. I guess that's what God is looking for from each of us. Regarding the "larger plan", I think it's hard for the majority to consider the plan isn't centered on us as individuals, but on God and His community as a whole. That's why i think it's so hard for us when we encounter individual personal loss. I don;t profess to understand it all myself. There are many questions I have that I am certain will not find satisfying answers until I meet Him face to face on my fateful day. In the meantime, I carry on. I am currently serving as a full time missionary in South America. I try to carry Joey with me in all I do. I speak of him when times are appropriate, such as last week when I met a mother who had lost her youngest son to a mudslide that crashed through the roof of their home. I couldn't tell her much other thna I know her pain. As small as that sounds, it can be comforting just to know you aren't walking this journey of suffering and grief alone. I think that's all any of us hope for at the least, is to not feel alone in our pain. I'm glad you came here to BI, and that you shared as much of your heart as you did. I encourage you to keep visiting is it's helpful. I know it has done wonders for me.

Thank you for your kind words too. I was fortunate not to have seen my son after his accident. I don;t think my heart could have taken that. In that way God was so merciful. Our memorial director came to the aide of our family and did everything for us regarding Joey's body. Like your brother, Joey was cremated. I never saw him without life. As much as your mother has regrets of not being with Tyson at the very end, I believe in my heart ot's a blessing she wasn't. I had enough bad visions in dreams about Joey's death. If I had seen, I can only imagine the nightmares that would haunt me. In that respect I truly am so very sorry that you had to see your brother suffer through such agonizing pain and death. I know how hard that must be for you to this day and onward. You, too, sound like an emotionally healthy young man. I'm sure though your mother has great difficulty coping in some aspects, she must be very proud of you. I know I would be!

Have you considered building a memorial web site? I built one for Joey, and it was so therapeutic for me. Joey's family and friends love being able to "visit him" whenever they want and need to. His site is http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/ If you would like to take a look sometime, maybe it will inspire you to make one for Tyson. I know how much everyone that knew Joey appreciates having this as an outlet to share their grief, especially Joey's brother Patrick and his best friend.

Matt, I have no dount that each day of your life will carry the greatest love for Tyson, and I know you will live your life in a way that will bring honor to his legacy. That's what I do. I live to remind people that Joey was here and that he left a legacy here for them. Joey doed so young, and really was just beginning to spread his wings. But I believe I am left behind not as a pillar of mourning, but as a symbol of the love we shared. That love left an indelible set of footprints on my heart, and all I can imagine doing from here onward is share that legacy of love with everyone I meet. I know you will do that for your brother Tyson as well. I felt that about you just from reading your post.

God bless you too, Matt. If there is anything I can do for you, please ask. I'll be praying for you. Respectfully with love, Claudia

March 29, 2007

Claudia, I just revel in the post that I read from you. It does not matter that they are directed to someone else, each and everyone teaches me more and gives me the desire to grow. I have had a rough couple of weeks. Just like I said, you think you are there and bam! You are not. I don't know where it comes from, it comes from the dark. It seems that I have no control over when it happens, there is nothing that I can see that sets it off. The biting ache is gone, but there is such an absence, such an intense absence. My oldest daughter seems to be in tune with it also, or perhaps we are feeding off of each other. I've put my Bible aside...probably now when I need it the most. I am angry again...I thought there were stages, I didn't realize they would start all over like a merry-go-round. All the descriptives we have put on this grief, it's a roll-a-coaster...no it's not, a roll-a-coaster ends. I know you are approaching a date, and that's another question, why do we hang onto these dates? Yours is the 31st? Mine is the 3rd...we are only 4 days apart...what is the importance of the date??? My Mom died on the 11th of March, My Dad on Aug 2nd, Jeffrey on Aug 3rd...these dates...I hate them all. I read the newest post and it saddens me so much. I can just feel the pain that these poor people are going through. I would love to offer comfort now, but can't seem to find it. I have a deep fear that this is not going to end. I don't know why it started all over? Wow...there's some depression for you! Great to talk to you too right? I think I'll address our newest friends. Love you tons, wish we were closer. Keep up the good works, I need to know that you are, it gives me strength. Yours, Jackie

March 30, 2007

Jackie,Claudia,Matt, Kim's Sis & All;

Sounds like a tough week for ALL (me too). I have Bronchitis/ walking Pneumonia & an awful head cold right now.I let it get to this extreme..because of my lack of TRUST in doctors. I too thought I was walking a Great path since Harvey's death & WHAM..ALL of my fears came back to bite me in the BEHIND this week. I can relate to you all(Jackie..my love & prayers are w/you).I have not been physically sick since Harv's death almost 6 months ago.Well I was @ a trade show 1.5 weeks ago & got really ill. I refused to see a doctor(my hubby had been begging me to go for a week). I know it makes no sense to him that I refused to go to my own childhood Doctor...but my death fears started to creep up on me w/ the guilt. What if they misdiagnosed me & I ended up in the hospital like Harv & died from a medical screw up too( I know ;it makes NO sense for me to think that way).I really haven't had to see ANY doctors since Harvey's death(my older Brother who passed away from a surgery gone wrong..for those who don't know). Well after I ran a fever of 102 for 2+ days..I went to see a doctor. I walked thru my fears. I learned that the only person my fears,paranoia & mistrust of medical professionals hurt was ME!!!! I still am sick physically ,but @ least I'm walking thru my fears today..6 months lator. I don't know what I am going to do when I'm faced w/ a DATE tied to Harv(like his Birthday on June 14th). I do know that I will probably be typing a note in here on June 13th asking for prayers. So that's what I can offer you guys today..prayers that you have a moment of peace in your day :-) It's something I ask HIM for daily.

Peace & G-d Bless you ALL,

Diane

March 30, 2007

Jackie, I'm so sorry the cycle has begun again. I wish I could say it doesn't make sense. But for me too I battle the seemigly never ending cycle. I still have bouts of anger too. Like you, I can only say they come from teh dark. We're human, and it's hard not to let our human-ness do what it does, although it tends to attack our sprituality when it happens. It makes me feel even more awful after I've recovered and reflected on how poorly I've reacted to the silliest of things. All I can do is go with teh flow and pray each step of the way that God will give me thw wisdom, courage and strength to yet jump through another hoop of vistory. Sometimes I find it hard to dive into the Word. I get daily devotionals that at least give me reflective ffod for thought now and again. And being in the midst of God's work here makes it pretty darn hard to ignore His goodness. Just today we had a visit from Wilson's mom. She was sad because she has tried so hard to raise money to pay back even the smallest portion of what God allowed us to help with in his hospitilization, surgery and recovery. But God is so good to meet the need, and I encouraged her to be reminded that we serve an awesome God who doesn't expect a payback for His provision. I know her heart in the matter, and that's good enough for me. We're excited because the family (of a dozen people) is planning to begin weekly Bible studies with us. Wilson continues to improve and is sharing the miracle of his story with his older brother and others who continue to battle obstacles in their lives. It's so encouraging to see a young person do a 180 like that. It's so hard that sometimes it takes a devastating event to get us to walk in that direction in trust. Don;t we all know that feeling?! I'm thinking of you sister. I'm still and always praying for you.

Diane, I'm sorry to hear you have been so ill. I do pray that you find speedy healing and recovery now that you've been under medical treatment. I understand the fear. No one wants to revisit the place of haunting images. Try to remember that we all have a lifeline with the end already chosen. And no matter how much a doctor helps or messes up, no one has permission to take our lives before God says it's time. I try to think how I might feel in a moment of knowing my time has come. Death is a painful thought. But I said something to Matt last night that actually brought me great comfort. Death is only a temporary moment between this life and eternity. I actually look forward to meeting the other side when it is time. I just pray I don;t have to go through living hell to get there, like so much of the suffering I see around me. I don't fear death. But what I do fear is the inability to exhibit grace toward others and trust in the Lord, no matter what I am going through. Losing Joey has so far been my ultimate of tests. I fail every day it seems. But then the Redeemer comes along and lifts me once again out of the muck. It's a day to day challenge, and my heart is with you, because I know exactly how you feel. Try not to be hard on yourself and down when you struggle. Just wipe the dirt off of your knees and start again. It truly is all we can do. I have faith that God is guiding our steps, and when we can't meet the challenge, He comes alongside and carries us. It WILL all be well one day--maybe not in this life, but He will never leave us short of His help along the way.

God bless you both my sisters, and keep you lifted in His love and care. Love & Hugs, Claudia

March 30, 2007

I LOST MY LIL SISTER, ALEXIS A WEEK AFTER LOSING A GOOD FRIEND. THE PAIN IS STILL HERE ALMOST 3 YEARS LATER. I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL ANYMORE. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HERE. I HOLD ON TO HER MEMORY SO TIGHT....I WAS DRIVING THAT CAR THAT DAY AND I WISH I COULD TAKE THAT TURN I MADE ALL BACK......

Guest, I am so sorry to be delayed in responding to your post. I am so very sorry the struggle is so devastating still after 3 years. I pray you can overcome the guilt of being the one to survive. Life takes unfair turns, and all we can do is hang on and pray that somehow we can carry on. I don;t have much to go on from your post, but please know you are not alone, and I am praying for you. Hugs, Claudia

March 30, 2007

This is totally off topic.... But do you believe that children can see what we can't.. My daughter says that she sees, plays, and talks to my deceased brother.... There are times that I feel tense and while i am laying down I feel a calm come over me.. Am I going nuts????

March 30, 2007

I believe Jesus loves the children, and God gives special insight to the innocense of a child. I also believe when we most feel the calm, it's a special healing touch from the Lord. You aren't going nuts. You are loved!! Blessings & Hugs, Claudia

April 3, 2007

Hi Claudia & Diane

I read about Wilson's Mom. Isn't the human spirit just amazing. For all that we have here, I am inspired everytime I read of someone elses desire to give back. Everyone in the states are just "take and take and take" and the people are so pitifully lazy. I had a conversation with one of the investigators the other day, I don't know why he continues to call. I have told him that I will not provide any additional information. These people are not making small salaries and they refuse to do more than the minimal scraping at the investigation. At this point if they want to close the investigation it does not matter anymore. Like we talked about last month and the month before, the outcome remains the same. I am just tired of reliving and rehashing it. I think that becomes part of that cycle, I just was not expecting the anger to start all over again. The anger at God and my husband, at everyone who is still alive and enjoying life. While I am so sorry that you and Diane have experienced some of the same, I feel better knowing that the grief is affecting you two in the same way. It gives me a little more balance. I think of Jeffrey still everyday, I guess I probably will until I die. Now I think of Harvey and of Joey and while I cannot help but wonder why, I have to believe that this is part of His plan....I wonder if they have found each other up there as we have here. Is Joey's birthday in August, I don't know why I think that, maybe you told me before. I hope you were at peace Saturday. I am today, I just find it so very hard to believe that it's been 8 months ago. I really know where you are coming from Diane, I would be hesitant about doctors as well. When Chris had to go back to the job site where Jeffrey was killed I could not talk about and I worried the entire time he was gone. I worried about his psyche as well as worring about him physically. I still worry every time I hear an ambulance or see a wreck. I always call to find out where my children are. They are probably so sick of me calling, but they never say anything. I got some really good pictures of a Naked Jack in the back yard...I'll try to remember to send them to you and Diane & Barb of course. I hope you are all well, espcially Diane with that horrible sickness. I hope that Wilson continues to grow in spirit and health, I pray for him and for yours and Mike's ministries. Keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you. Until God brings us all together, peace and blessings, Jackie

April 3, 2007

Dear Jackie, I think of you every day and never forget you in my prayers. I know it's a struggle, because I feel it too, and pray each day for the motivation to get through another day of broken heartedness. I think of Joey constantly, and it hurts so much to realize over and over again that he is not here anymore. I can find some peace in knowing he is there with Harv and Jeff, but it doesn;t make my life any easier here. I know you feel that too, and I pray for all of us, because it's just so hard. I'm certain the guys know each other there in Heaven, and for all I know they could be gathering in prayer for us, because I'm certain they know we hurt so much in their absence. All I know is the world is emptier without them, and while I try to keep my heart full in doing what we do, it feels a little emptier too. I have noticed that my compassion for others hurting has kicked into a higher gear, and I suppose for that I should be grateful. But I find myself hurting so much more for others too. I guess that's the way Jesus feels too--constantly broken hearted for us misfits. I Love you Jackie. Hang in there my dear sweet friend. Prayers and Hugs, Claudia

April 4, 2007

Claudia & Jackie

I wanted to send you both a hugg tonite. I had a very interesting day today. I am still ill & had to go to the doctor in downtown DC. Well it is now PEAK Yoshito Cherry Blossom time here in Washington.I had totally forgot about them. I was driving into the docto's office & I chose to go the really loooooong way around the Potomac River & ALL of the Monuments where the trees were planted back in 1912 .Well it looked liked someone had draped Lite PINK cotton candy all over DC's lovely trees.I marveled @ the shear beauty of G-d's Paint Brush. How grateful I should be to have grown up here & had the ability to see those trees every year for 40+ years w/ my Brother(we'd go walk around the tidal basin,off the Potomac River when they were in bloom).I started to get sad that Harvey would never see them again. Then an awareness hit me.. I would remember those trees for Harvey. It was like I saw spring again for the first time in years(maybe in honor of Harv)? I noticed all of the colors: the flowing pink blossoms,the new green grass,the stark white buildings...I realized I needed to see this renewal & rebirth that was happening around me(G-d's will for me today).It brought to mind your Rainbows in Ecaudor;Jackie's walks w/ a grandchild on a lovely beach;being w/ friends & family on Holidays and giving thanks for still being ALIVE ourselves(to be of service to others),etc.. I get that I am grateful to have seen such a lovely day & thought of Harvey in a soul touching way today. I am humbled by how magnificent G-d's Hand can be & I was given a glimpse of it today( I thought of you both & wished I had my digital camera on me).I have choosen to have a more POSITIVE outlook on Sunday & not be sad that Harvey won't be sharing Easter w/ us. He will be with me EVERY Day & holiday in my Heart :-) I will remember all of G-d's Great works of art; so that I can tell Harvey about them when I see him again someday.I pray that you both get a Joey & Jeff G-d's Paint brush day!

Luv,

Diane

April 4, 2007

Diane, You are so right. I love the way that you envision us taking them along with us on our walks and quests. Easter is our reminder. This year I will try to focus on the reunion that is to come. Oh Claudia, just the thought of them together, I don't know how rowdy Harvey was, but I am sure Joey & Jeffrey could show him a time! I know exactly what you are saying about compassion for others. When I read a new post, or hear of someone in pain it just breaks my heart. It's like my nerve endings are raw and news of someone else suffering just breaks me down. I just wish I could find a place for this heartache. I feel like it is an extension now, a tumor that is growing and I can't hide it. It seems more like it leads me in everything I do. It's so very hard to describe, like I have made my life to accomodate my grief and it has now taken over. When joy comes near, I am quickly reminded that I am in mourning, like those poor women who wore black for years after their loved ones were gone. It is a daily fight, focus, focus, focus on what is now, not what was or what will be. Believe me, I can get lost in the what will be as well as the what was. I am so delighted that Diane is moving along as she is. Funny, I always thought I had the faith that would sustain me, but the past couple weeks have been crushing and I know that I am yielding to it. I think I may have to make a trip to see the bluebonnets this weekend. Take Baby Jack and get some pictures of that...then I can show Jeffrey that I too saw God's paintbrush. We really are blessed people, I just have to keep putting that in front of the grief. I love you both dearly....peace and blessings, Jackie

April 4, 2007

Hello everyone. My name is Natasha and I am 21. I lost my 14 year old sister on 1/19/07. She was killed in a one car accident. No one else was hurt but that really doesn't make it better. I'm not quit sure what to say. I don't know what to do with myself right now. It seems like i'm trying to do everything right like getting on antidepressant medication and going and talking to someone on a weekly basis, but i still don't feel like i'm dealing with the pain. I've been going out and having fun on the weekends and i just feel like an awful person because i've been running from reality. My mom told me about this website. She says that its helped her so hopefully it'll do the same for me.

April 4, 2007

Jackie,

Harvey loved a Rowdy time w/ the best of em (from a Biker to the Govenrnor of Md :-) Knowing that ...I'm sure Jeff,Joey & Harv are smiling and marveling that we found eachother (as they must have in Heaven). I am sure you , Claudia & I will have lots to tell them all someday. I would love to hear about your Blue bonnets. Then I can tell Harv about the Beauty you saw and are remembering for Jeff.Sounds like a paintbrush moment.

My walk isn't sooooo perfect still. I was telling my older sister about the Cherry Blossoms of yesterday. I told her about Harvey wanting me to REALLY see them for him & how sad it is that he's missed 3 seasons already :-) Then I passed a beautiful green meadow by my house as I was talking w/ my sister. I dhould've said HEY to Harv; but instead we both started crying when I told her that the meadow was green again.We both thought of the 23rd psalm & were Blown away by the heart ache that became fresh again (for those 2 minutes). We then decided to think of some funny Harvey memories to share on Easter w/ others. I don't want to cry on easter. I want to feel Joy & so does my sister. That's my wish for you Jackie , Claudia & All...a joyful rememberance of our angel men :-)

Huggs,

Diane

April 5, 2007

Hi Natasha,

Sorry to hear about your loss. All loss is painful but it is heartbreaking to hear about such a young one. I lost my brother in November at the hands of another. One thing that helped me in the beginning was telling myself that God called him home because he did something right. From what I experienced your feelings are normal. My family made it a little easier to smile becuase we embodied my brother's spirit. My brother was what I called the life of the party; always cracking jokes and entertaining everyone. So thinking of him often came with a feeling of fun and laughter, now also tears. So I guess what I would say is to celebrate the personality she carried and think of all those moments she made you smile because I'm sure she wants you to be happy. My heart is with you

Babysister

P.S. I think this site is great, even if you just read other's story. It has helped me to one understand myself through this grieving process, and two it has helped me progress. Good luck on finding what you need to heal.

April 5, 2007

Dear Natasha, I am so sorry for the loss of your little sister. I can imagine your pain, as I lost my oldest son in July of last year, and his only and younger brother by one year, like you, had a really tough time getting through those beginning months--not knowing what was normal, being numb and in shock from the loss and the pain, feeling guilty for still being here and living life "somewhat normally", etc. Since then Patrick has bought a house and is doing very well. It has been 8 months since Joey died, and we are all trying to carry on with some semblance of living, but it's a struglle for all of us as we learn along the way how to identify our lives as changed--different from before our loss and forever changed after. I also have talked with a lot of Joey's friends who are just a few years older than you are, finishing college, starting careers, and missing one of the best friends they ever knew. Young people have so much to look forward to. You'll have careers, weddings, children, etc. In talking baout these things with patrick, he knows he will miss Joey most in those special occasions and most important moments fo his life--like best man at his wedding and such. Patrick will always carry Joey with him and try to honor his memory in the things he does and his successes in life. I suspect you will do the same for your sister. I joked with Patrick that Joey would have been so jealous of Patrick's new house. We both laughed and found that very true, but at the same time we know in our hearts that Joey would want the best for all of us. It will be hard not to feel guilty for a while for having moments of enjoyment in life. Guilt in only one stage of grief, so please don;t think you are abnormal to feel what you do. It's ok to go out with your friends and enjoy life withthem. Please be very careful, though, in this great time of vulnerability, to try hard to keep your senses about you and not run away into destructive behavior. It would not serve you ro your sister's memory well. It's a daily walk through this journey of life without someone we love dear. But you can do this. We are all surprised I think by just how much our survival instinct kicks in when we experience something as devastating as this. But we muddle through, and we survive as best we can. We try to do it with dignity and grace, and with actions that honor those we've loved and lost--because the love we share NEVER dies. Dear. dear Natasha, be easy on yourself, and take good care. Visit here as often as you need to and want to. You have friends here who will hold your hand along the way if you need company. Bless you dear one. Hugs, Claudia

April 7, 2007

Jackie, Diane, Barb, and new friends:

I've been reflecting on what Easter means for us this year, for those of us who believe whole heartedly in the resurrected Christ. Becuase we don't have our dear ones here with us, those we lost, it's hard to endure family gatherings and feeling the emptiness of a person missing at the dinner table; the missing conversation, joking and laughter from that special voice; the hugs and kisses of those beloved arms, and their precious faces. It's so hard. BUT the wonderful blessing in the resurrection is knowing that our beloveds gone from here have been resurrected perfectly into Heaven and they celebrate joyously with the Lamb. Can you imagine them "supping" with Jesus?--as my dear friend Carol said. I try hard to remember that there are NO GOODBYES. It's just "see you later, when I come home too". We're sad, but we can find true joy in knowing while it's too long before we see them again, the resurrection means that we WILL indeed see them again. I'm so thankful for that, especially this Easter as I reflect on what it truly means. I hope and pray that each of you, and myself, are able to find comfort and peace through the day of Easter knowing that our celebration in rememberance of the resurrection of Christ gives us an awesome reunion to look forward to. God bless each one of you and may your day be filled with Hope and "knowing". Love, Claudia

April 7, 2007

Claudia & All,

Amen to ALL that you said. I wish everyone a joyouse & peaceful Easter :-) I find great comfort in knowing that our loved one's are having a Blessed Easter togetherin Heaven(as you soo eloquently put it Cladia). May we honor them in our hearts,conversations,memories & prayers this Easter Sunday. G-d Bless you All,

Diane

April 8, 2007

I have just tonight, discovered this message board. I am so grateful to have found a board open to people discussing their faith. I have found a couple other boards, but have found only the utter hopelessness most people feel who have no hope.

My brother died suddenly nov. 05, after getting lost while hunting. He lived in Montana. He was my only brother. by the following august i was really struggling with grief and made apointment with counselor and started to work through more of my grief. I am much healthier now and in a better place emotionally. the best way to describe it would be that the waves of grief, while they feel just as rough as ever while i am in them, are futher apart and when they are past, i am healtier than i used to be. God is good.

have any of you read "a grace disguised." This book is by far the best book any of us have read on grief. I have read it about 5 times.

i'll be back again to this site. I felt tonight i just needed something and i just kept surfing around and here you all were.

carol

April 8, 2007

why am i listed as a guest. how should i change that?

carol

April 9, 2007

i changed my profile and figures it out...ignore post below!

April 9, 2007

Hi Carol, I received your e-mail and will answer you more fully there. But for here I just want to say how very happy I am for you that you found us. While Joey was, is, and always will be my son, I found some very close friends here at the sibling thread, which is why I keep coming back--to visit, to share, to love, to enocurage, and to hope together. I am so sorry you lost your only brother. It's so devastating for all of us to no longer have our beloveds physically here to talk to, touch, converse with, etc. But some of us are finding just how good God is in the midst of our dark trials. And I am glad that you are here now to journey with us. I won't say that we don't have our relapses and tough moments. But we do have Hope to journey with us. I thank God for that, which would otherwise be so dark and despairing. God bless you, and lift you up to the Son. Love & Hugs, Claudia

April 9, 2007

Carol,

Glad you found us here. I agree w/ Claudia... this is helpful place for those in All the stages of Grief. I don't think I would've made it thru the last 5+ months w/ out the lovely friends I made on this thread. I am going to check out the book you recommended. What is it about? I lost my Only older brother around Thanksgiving in '06. It was devasting to me..as it was an unexpected death too(a medical mishap).I am grateful to say that I'm doing much better today w/ the help of Claudia, Jackie & G-d :-) I want to thank you for telling us about the book & I'm glad you've found this thread..It's helped me Alot !!!

Peace & G-d Bless,

Diane

April 9, 2007

the book i mentioned is about a man who lost his wife, mother and daughter in a drunk driving accident, leaving him with three small children to raise on his own. his books, of course, references and tells his story, but it is more about our reaction to loss... the subtitle is "how the soul grows through loss." Peggy Beamer, the mom of Todd Beamer who died on flight 93 9/11 told me about it when she read it a number of years ago and i read it so i could understand more. i knew then that when i suffered my own loss sometime, i would be reading this book. the man is a Christian and shares how he walked through the journey and how he came through, faith intact. i am sure you will find it helpful. carol

April 10, 2007

When i was pregnant for my daughter, we made a video of it. On this video is my brothers voice. I haven't heard his voice in a long time.. I look forward to watching the tape but at the same time i am scared.

April 10, 2007

Hi all.

I see new people here. I hope Easter was good for all of you. I tried to focus on His mercies, but I am so distracted. I am still in that slump. I probably should start coming back here every day like I used to. I feel I am starting to withdraw again. I hate that so much. The sadness seems to be taken over by an awareness of how alone I am now. I keep telling myself that this is temporary, I'll be with him again. I just feel so abandoned, I miss Mom, Dad and more than anything I miss Jeffrey.

I don't know how to stay on that mountain. I tried as Diane did in walking and thinking that we could share these different sights one day. Claudia, I loved what you said about them dining together. I am quite confident that would have been a meal I would have liked to have seen. You just made me smile thinking of it. I think I might take up a journal. One that I could direct specific questions and feelings to Jeffrey. All these things that we shared on the phone almost daily, I don't know what to do with them anymore. When I finish a new painting I want to show it to him. I have come to realize he was my benefactor, he championed everything that I did.

I also have a tape of his voice, I have not listened to it though. On his cell phone it has his voice mail and I have listened to that only once. Talk about obsessed, I still keep his cell phone charged!!!! For what, I think if God was going to allow him to call me he could probably do it without the cell phone charged, right? I may be slipping over the edge now, I am not sure! Please continue to keep me in your prayers, I am hoping to return to the cheerful Jackie someday soon. Love you all; peace and blessings, Jackie

April 10, 2007

Jackie & All,

Soooo glad you're back :-) I wish I had a recording of Harv's voice..but I don't. I can understand how that cell phone has a cherished quality for you..it's a link in your heart, keeping Jeff alive to you now. Maybe you should listen to the voice mail & let what ever happens,happen(feeling wise,memory wise...). I'm sure if I heard Harvey's voice again..I'd break down & then replay it 100's of times !!! How lucky you are to have that piece of Jeff.

Carol, thanks for explaining that book" A Grace Disguised". I'm going to go to the book store & get it.It sounds like a good read. What did you get out of it for your self?? I am still crawling when it comes to grief. I'm riding high on a positive wave right now; but I need to learn more for when I come crashing back down to earth again!

I'm off to watch Amer. Idol now.

Peace & G-d Bless,

Diane

April 10, 2007

I think the thing that meant the most to me about that book is that i understood that I'll never really understand God's plan and purpose in all that happened, but i can live with the ambiguity and this does not negate His GOONDESS.

Recently I wrote in my journal: "I have come to the conclusion that I will never understand until I get to heaven and am able to ask God, and then it won't really matter anymore. "

All the good that comes from this and all the personal growth that has come from this does not make it 'worthwhile" for me. I believe God could have chosen any number of ways to accomplish his purposes in me without taking my brother. It shows me again what my friend says: "God does not waste suffering, but we need to cooperate."

Easter was hard for me this year...it makes me think more of heaven, the hope of the ressurection and that makes me think of Gordon and how much i miss him. i was reading back old posts where one of you said you thought you had the faith that would sustain you, but you felt buried beneath the grief. As if maybe that meant maybe you didnt' have the faith afterall. I never "lost my faith" but the days were very dark and it was only my friends who were "God" to me (God with skin, i always said) that helped me through. When I didnt' feel God's presence, I felt their love. and They represented God to me when i couldnt' see/feel him. carol

p.s. i am changing my user name...i see most of you have yours related to your loved one...i like that.

April 11, 2007

Carol & All,

Thanks for the insight into the book & what you got from it. I am definitely going to Borders tomorrow. I found your post very insightful. I felt the same way @ times too. I never really lost my faith, as much as I lost my spiritual walk(after Harvey died). I am only just being that walk again in the past month.G-d brought me to this site to find my walk again (Claudia & Jackie were instrumental in opening my eyes again from MY dark place of grief).I think it's wonderful that you journal. I guess I use this site as my journal for now. Do you think it helps to keep a private journal?

I was soooooo busy on Easter (w/ 20 +people @ my house)that I didn't have the time to reflect about Harvey as much as I would have liked to. I did share a couple funny stories about him w/ my older sister & my dear friend Janet & her family. So I wasn't sad. That's a first for me since his death; not crying on a holiday!!! I guess I look at my day on Easter as a success. How was every one's Easter?

Bless You All,

Diane

April 11, 2007

regarding a journal. journaling for me has been a life line. it gives me the chance to slow my thinking down. i call it thinking at the point of a pen. i also write out what i am praying or thinking to God sometimes...my mentor calls it "praying at the point of a pen." write without censoring your thoughts or thinking about who else might find it someday. sometimes i read back to see what i was learning and have almost been brought to tears of gratefulness for where God has brought me. i re read things i would surely have forgotten had i not written them down. that is the other value of a journal.

i wrote....then i would share with my trusted friends, they would respond and encourage me to keep writing. in the process of writing, more thoughts woudl come. my words came outmy pen as i thought them. i can't recommend it enough. later i'll post soemthing i jsut wrote yesterday as i reflected over the past year. i think it will encourage us to know the the when God says he would heal the broken-hearted, it was a promise full of love for us. i have my small group tonight..will catch you all later. carol

April 12, 2007

this is something i wrote 13 months after my brother died: My friend kept telling me - 13 months, carol, 13 months. you have to get through 13 months.

I did feel i turned a corner...not "the" corner, but another one. I took the month of december off too...and i am so glad i could do that.

(August 06- after my brother died nov. 05 is when i started to see a counsellor. i was "stuck". I wrote this is dec. 06)

It’s August

and I know I need to make changes.

I need to take personal time to get back

on the road marked “grief.”

I have been distracted by too many things.

Now it is time.

I make an appointment with a counselor

and begin to pick up the pieces again.

It takes longer than I think.

August fades into September,

October turns into November.

The days leading up to the anniversary of

Gordon’s death, in early November

is more intense

than I imagine.

The release of internal tension after it passes

is more dramatic

than I anticipate.

I spend a lot of time working on an album

about Gordon

that I couldn’t begin

until now.

It becomes my grief journal.

It is more involved

than any album I have ever made.

I don’t care that some pages take hours

as I work through the meaning

of a particular page

as I attempt to make this story

part of the weave of my life.

I have been told

and I begin to believe,. . .

there will be a new me.

My friends tell me the new me will have

something to offer the world,

something no one else can offer

not even the old me.

This is comforting and I choose to believe them.

But “becoming” is messy and

while I am in the midst of “becoming’,

I am not quite sure

who I am,

who I will become

if I’ll like the new me

or even if anyone else will.

But I choose to believe my friends.

I have learned to focus

on “heart things” first.

and take care of “to do things” second.

A fried says having our own business allows us to

smile when we can,

to grieve when we need to,

without worrying about a time clock.

This is my business's greatest gift to me

over this past year.

I continue to believe that while this last year

is a very sad story,

it is only a part of a very good book

God is writing.

I have learned

God does not waste suffering.

(we have to cooperate.).

I find the “light” by

facing the darkness

His grace is sufficient

His love is unchanging

even when I don’t understand

Psalm 18, becomes “my psalm.” and I journal my own paraphrase:

I love you, oh Lord , my strength.

You are my rock . . .

my fortress . . .

my deliverer. . .

My shield . . .

as I choose to turn and run

into the darkness.

You give me strength to enter it . . .

and stay in it just awhile.

And you bring me back

into the light once again.

I am calling to you Lord.

YOU must be my refuge.

The cords of death entangle me –

but not for always.

The cords of the grave bind me

but not forever.

I confront death knowing you defeat it.

I cry to you for help.

I know you hear me.

You hear my voice,

You hear my cry.

This despair . . . these tears

are for a moment!

They will not last forever.

And then, just as I knew you would,

You reach down and take hold of me.

You draw me out of deep waters.

You bring me out

into a spacious place

because you delight in me.

The Lord lives,

Praise be to my Rock.

It's 13 months since I heard those words

"He's gone."

I find myself feeling stronger

with the passing of time.

Most days are sunny with intermittent clouds, instead of

cloudy with intermittent sun

or no sun at all.

I am finding joy in everyday life

a little more each day.

I crave time with my family and my God.

I am finding joy in friends

other than my few closest friends.

I can see the light

at the edge of the darkness.

And I know Who it comes from!

April 12, 2007

Hello Everyone!!!

It's been a long time seens Ive wrote but things have been very busy here. We had a friend pass away March 28th so we went to NY for the funeral on March 31st. It is soo hard to go to them . I do fine till we have to sing song about going to heaven and seeing our loved once. And beleive me Im all for seeing my brother and brother in law I just dont like going to funeral's . But there is one song I was thinking about it's COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS NAME THEM ONE BY ONE. I'm very blessed in my life I have a great husband and kids and my family back home is great. and I had a great childhood with my brother and some great laughs with him growing up and as adults. And I had good times with my brother in law too. One time I went there to stay over night and he made wings for dinner and he said do you want to try a HOT HOT wing and I said sure OH MY I think it burned everything on the way down and OUT:):) I really do miss my loved onces but I am also very thankful for the onces still here.

My twin sister Chris and her baby Kathleen came down with us on April 1st - April 5th I had a great time. I miss seeing them . Then we went up home for Easter and Chris and I went shopping for our B-days wich was April 8th we went and left flowers on her husbands grave I havent been there in a while so it was nice to go leave flowers. We came back home monday morning and I've been working every since. I miss talking with you all I hope you had a great Easter. Clauida if you dont mind can I get your mailing address. How are you doing ? Jackie I havent heard from you in a while I hope things are going well. Talk to you all soon ,

In Christian Love,

Barb

April 12, 2007

Clauida ,

HI!I was just reading the post about setting the table and missing your loved onces.

Well, At Christmas time I was setting the table and I didnt want to up set my sister or sister in law so I was counting and re counting how many seats we needed and plates my brother Martin even counted and then we all set down to eat and we still put 2 extra plates on the table I wanted to cry but then we just said well , I guess they are with us. that was a hard day. Easter sunday went well. My dad is still very quiet when were all together you know what hes thinking were all there but there still 2 missing. its just hard sometimes to be all together.

Barb

April 13, 2007

Carol & All,

What a lovely passage from your journal. Thanks for letting us share that w/ you. I too LOVE the 18th Psalm . I like looking @ the Lord as my Fortress too! I Bought A Grace Disguised ,today (the author's "Jerry Sittser").Border's couldn't find the book @ 1st, but we found it after looking up the Author. I plan to begin reading it this weekend :-) Thanks for all of your great insights.

Jackie & Claudia,

How are both of you doing? I read your Blog Claudia & it is sure a pleasure to see all the good works you\'re doing in your life :-) I hope you're feeling better Jackie.Keep us posted as to how you are doing. I'm off to sleep..the bronchitis is still making me pooped out.

G-d Bless Everyone,

Diane

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