Loss of a Sibling

[Guest Guest]

Hello,My name is Raker. I was referred to this site after I lost my grandmother 2004 and eight monthes later My big brother in may 2005, in a car crash. He was only 19 at the time, I was 17. We were extremely close. I finally got the courage up to visit this site. even though I took almost two years. I've read some of the posts. They seem pretty upbuilding... I don't know really what I'm supposed to say, I'm kinda new at this.

[Guest Guest]

I saw that some people placed their stories on here, Mine is sad. But here goes, I live in southern california. On may 19 2005 my brother asked me to go to the movies with him and My 10 year old nephew, who, by some miracle, his mother let him skip school friday, the next day. I had to babysit my three other nieces and nephew. Although my brother tryed to convince me to go I told him I couldn't bail. We argue over the fact that I was too responcible for 17, he even went so far as to call me Cindrella, because i cleaned and cared for everyone with out complaint. Anyway he was mad at me when he went to his room that night. The next morning he and I had argued again over it. Yet I didn't relent, the last thing i said to him was "don't forget the movies you rented, because i won't pay your late charge again." He took off with my Nephew to see Star wars episode 3, in his old car. The car didn't even go above 65mph without sputtering out and dying. Any way they went and saw the movie, the drive there was fine, but they were on they're way to a friends house to pick him and his family up to go see it again. On there way there, Ten minutes away from the house. My brother tried to past a semi truck, when the semi's lane ended abruptly, the semi pushed my brothers car off the road and held it there in the dirt. My brother was trying to protect my nephew as he fought to control his car in the soft shoulder. THey were dodgeing the signs. Finally the semi moved enough for my brother to get back on the road, when his tires caught the lip on the side of the road. They Flipped seven times. My brother protected my nephew by pushing him down toward the floor away from the window.He couldn't protect himself, while doing so. the top of his head got hit, puncturing his brain. He bled out and was Pronounced dead at the scene. but before he died he asked my nephew if he was okay, which we were told was immpossible, but not for my brother. My nephew lived, with only a scratched pelves and a fratured arm. Lots of road burn. I still expect my brother to come through the door like he used too, but i know he won't. So On May 20, 2005 at 3:15 my 19 year old brother past away. Now we're fighting the county to repair the road which they have done. I don't know how many lives it has saved. I just know that if the road had been fixed sooner my brother might be alive, I struggle with this knowledge everyday. But I'm a Jehovah's Witness so I believe I will see him again. When He is ressurected, I keep the scripture Revelation 21: 3,4-"sickness and death will be no more, niether will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. THe former things have passed away."Close to my heart.

[diane1234]

Raker,

Sounds like you're in the right place. It's good to see that some good came from your Brother's life & death. The fact that they fixed the road is such a blessing. Think of how many future lives will be saved because of your Brother.

I lost my older Brother also. I wish my family would've taken action against the doctor who did his surgery. Then that doctor couldn't hurt others again.

No such luck from my family. So, I feel grateful when I see other families coming together to take action in Honor of their family members( who passed too soon). I pray that some day my family will GET IT too !!!G-d Bless, Diane

[jackiewitter]

Hello my friends, and our newest members. I always find it sad when I see someone new on here, but that's probably the wrong emotion, the best thing is that they are searching for some comfort and I truly believe that can be found here. I have struggled through the week, with valentines and with my brother's birthday coming up. This has been a rough month. The six month mark, the investigation results, valentines and now birthday, man I didnt' realize this month would be this hard. I am so glad that I have my new friends and that has helped so very much. My husband is safely home, thank you God.

Diane, it is so very good to see you here. I showed my kids Marbel's picture, they were very moved. I hope you are feeling somewhat better. I can imagine how empty the house is. While it had to be painful, you have to know how much Marbels loved you for the care and companionship through the years. I am just delighted to see your post. Thank you too for the Valentines card, it was just what I needed. You and Claudia just made my day.

Barb,

I am glad your parents decided not to come, I know it was a disappointment, but it sounds like you are experiencing alot of that same anxiety that I am. Claudia is so very right, these things are not in our ands and to worry indicates a lack of faith. Even though I know that my life as well as my kids and family are in His hands, it is so hard not to to worry during this time. The rollercoaster we are on just leaves us antiscipating what is around the corner. I will pray for you and I both that we allow Him to take that worry off our shoulders. I hope your parents have reschedule a visit and it will be soon.

Claudia, my precious friend. How are you feeling, I have not seen anything about Wilson, I am hoping that all is well. I've not checked any other post yet, this one is always my first. I hope Michael is well. Well sister, we made it past the 6 month mark and we survived. (so far!) I listened to alot of music this week and prayed alot. Without Chris home I went to bed earlier and spent alot more time in meditation. Still not sleeping through the night, but I am sure at some point that will return, (or not, it's not that bad). This is very odd, I dreamed of Joey the other night (nothing specific, but just the knowledge of who he was and his presence) I also had the sense of Jeff's presence. It was very vague, I just woke up knowing that knowing that I had dreamed about them both. It was very pleasing, perhaps it stems from the conversations that we have had about the two of them and their similarities. It made me smile because it was just a pleasant feeling.

Girls, I love you three dearly, I hope that winter passes on soon. I am praying that the spring will give us a sense of renewal and peace. We can carry our brothers and Claudia's son into the spring and summer with us. I thank you so much for sharing your family with me and I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you have taken the memory of my brother in your hearts. I think this is exactly what God meant when he told us to love one another. If you were to look that scripture up in the Bible dictionary, there would be a picture of this website.

Newest guest and member, I am so very sorry that there have been events that led you here. April & Raker, please continue to come here and seek comfort as you need it. This has been a very valuable tool in dealing with my grief and the variety of emotions that have come with it. It is such a sense of relief to see that there ar others who express many of the same difficulties. I hope that you will find comfort here. Peace and blessings. Jackie

[jillssister]

Thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. It helps to talk it out and hear that others are feeling the same things I am. My feelings are still raw and I am not really sure how to deal with some of them as I have never lost someone this close to me. My family has been so forunate. We did lose my husands mother 9 years ago to cancer but that was so different from this since we knew that was the best thing for her since she was suffering. This is so different from that and the emotions I have I don't seem to be able to control. I think that is what bothers me the most as I am not one who likes to cry. I find myself thinking of something and crying. I feel like my husband does not know how to handle me or what to say to me. My mom and dad are very emotional as well and I want to be strong for them so I try not to cry around them. I'm also dealing with some emotions around her husband and how I feel about him. I have not really gotten along with him in the past as I felt he didn't really treat my sister as well as he should have so I'm having to be nice to him and act as if I like him and that is hard too. Thank you for allowing me to vent and say my thoughts I really need this. You all seem to have built some strong relationships along the way and I hope that I can do that as well.

[jackiewitter]

April, Good morning. I would love to talk to with you more regarding your husband, that is one thing that I can certainly relate to! I am leaving now to go to Galveston to clear out my brothers apartment. I am not sure why my older brother chose today, the day before Jeffrey's birthday to do this, but for whatever reasons that he chose to do this today, that will be my task. I have not been in his apartment since he died and I am not sure how this day will play out. After my parents died we cleaned out their home and sold it, there were many things that we did not know what to do with, there was one box that we packed and Jeff kept it. It was a box of things that we did not want to depart with, but no one wanted to toss the items out. Jeff kept that box for 2 years, he called himself "the keeper of the box". I guess he has passed on that torch. I will go and retrieve the box as well as many of his other things, the things that evidence his existence here. The sun is out in Texas, I hope you all have a beautiful day, filled with wonderful memories of your loved ones. I may be "memoried" out by this evening, please pray for me! Claudia, I sure wish you were here! Diane, Barb, I hope you guys are thawing out up there and you are able to get out a little. The fresh air really helps!Much love and blessings...Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie,

My prayers are with you today & this week. Be kind to yourself when going thru Jeff's things. Allow ALL of your emotions to flow freely. We cleaned Harvey's aptmnt. in Dec. & it was very hard on me. I didn't want to part w/ anything!! I gave sooo many things to good friends, a soup kitchen(his canned goods),my sisters & parents and a church near his apartment. I only kept one table,some pic's,a hat he alsways wore( I wore it in our snow this past week) & a jacket of his ( that had his cologne on it). Such a heavy day to think about. It still makes my eyes well up :-( I pray for you my friend !!!

Also, be prepared to just forgive anyone helping you, their tresspasses. My sisters & I really got weird w/ eachother that day (and we still don't talk about it w/ eachother over a 1.5 months later)! It's like they were being disrespectful of him (wanting to toss things that I wanted to give to others). Such a dark day for me. I pray that Jeff's LIGHT shines thru for you Jackie!

Let me know how it goes. Good Luck & G-d Bless,

Diane

[jillssister]

Jackie... My thoughts are with you as you tackle this very hard task. I can't even imagine what you are going to have to deal with as you do this. I do not look forward to doing this with my sisters things. The funny thing is that at the begining of Jan we put my grandmother in a nursing home and my grandpa has decided to sell his home and move closer to all of us. We are cleaning out his house and going through my grandmothers things. I almost feel as if she is gone when we talk about the stuff and I am ok with this. My grandmother probably will not make it through the year as her Demensia is gettting really bad. But again I am ok with all of this since she is 79 years old. The hard part has been going through things and finding pictures of my sister and things that she would have liked. My brother in law has not washed his sheets and he will not take out her cloths. He is not ready. I have a hard time being in her house some days as I rememeber just being there before the holidays putting together jars for presents. I know this will get better with time.

[4everjoeysmom]

Jackie, I was with you all day yesterday in thought and prayer. Hope you got my message on your cell. Wish I could have called again... It's so difficult from here sometimes--this 3rd world way of life. But hey! At least I have the web...

I woke with you on my heart as today we celebrate Jeffrey's birthday. I bet he and Joey are celebrating BIG time.

Love you sister! Blessings for today and always, Claudia

[robertssister]

Clauida ,

Hello! How are you today and how is Wilson doing? I love that you are writing everything down for him . I pray the God is working in his and his family's heart . Did you get the picture Im not to smart when it comes to this computer thing.

Jackie,

Hello! How are you doing ? We are all good. I hope yesterday went ok for you . Your in my thoughts and prayers .

Have a good day everyone ,

Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Barb, I did get the picture. Thanks. You're a nice looking family. I'm happy to add your family to Wilson's prayer board. Wilson is slowly recovering more day by day. It will be a while before he's feeling sort of back to normal. But we are so encouraged. God has been so faithful through all of this. Thanks for all your prayers. Hugs & Love, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Good evening ladies. I do not know how to begin to thank you for all the prayers. The packing turned into a two day affair. My sister-in-law and I took a break yesterday and went to the Barkus Parade (Mardi Gras in Galveston), it was a very nice break. The dogs and costumes took my mind off of the task and I thought of Diane. Wish you could have been there, I wish all of you could have been there. How nice would it be for us to share a glass of wine and a relaxing parade! Claudia, I got your message and it was very uplifting. Just hearing your voice calmed the storm that was going on in my heart. I cannot tell you ladies how very grateful I am for the prayers and kind thoughts. I know that my prayer warriors were at work because the task was not as daunting as I had feared, don't get me wrong it was tough, but not as bad as I had expected. I told my older brother about all of you, he had been suggesting counceling for a while, but when I told him about Robert, Joey and Harvey he was quite impressed that we had banded together like this. I know he would never post anything but I did tell him to check out the site. I have a new determination to stay in contact with him more. He is 6 years older than I am, that's why Jeffrey and I were so close, we were only 2 1/2 years apart. Girls, I am beat, I don't know when is the last time I was in bed before 7pm, but I am going to try it tonight! Thank you again for everything. You guys are the best. Peace and blessings. Jackie

Oh yes and Happy Birthday Jeffrey

[diane1234]

Jackie,

I'm glad things went better than expected :-)You'll have to tell us all about it. The dogs in costume sounded cute. How sweet of You to remember that I loved to dress up Marble girl :-) Did you feel Jeff there with you? I felt Harv when I cleaned his apartment! You were in my prayers all weekend :-)

Claudia,

How is Wilson? Is his head healing okay?Have you seen any more Rainbows lately? I bet it's warm & sunny still there. We still have a white coating on the ground !

G-d Bless you Both & everyone reading this post,

Diane

[robertssister]

Jackie,

Hello! I'm so gald things went well for you. Diane , ask you if you felt Jeff when you were there I hope you did. Every time I go home to NY I feel Robert. He and Jenn built there own house and its perfect so everytime you pull in the drive way you feel his love for them . I'm so glad they have that house . They moved into the house Jan 2006 he lived there 6 months before his death. I hope you got the rest you needed.have a great day . Barb:)

[robertssister]

Jackie,

Hello! I'm so gald things went well for you. Diane , ask you if you felt Jeff when you were there I hope you did. Every time I go home to NY I feel Robert. He and Jenn built there own house and its perfect so everytime you pull in the drive way you feel his love for them . I'm so glad they have that house . They moved into the house Jan 2006 he lived there 6 months before his death. I hope you got the rest you needed.have a great day . Barb:)

[robertssister]

Jackie,

Hello! I'm so gald things went well for you. Diane , ask you if you felt Jeff when you were there I hope you did. Every time I go home to NY I feel Robert. He and Jenn built there own house and its perfect so everytime you pull in the drive way you feel his love for them . I'm so glad they have that house . They moved into the house Jan 2006 he lived there 6 months before his death. I hope you got the rest you needed.have a great day . Barb:)

[diane1234]

Barb & All,

That is soo nice that you felt Robert @ his house in NY. I felt Harvey the weekend we cleaned his apartment(such a HARD weekend for me). I hope Jackie felt Jeff too. I only have the keepsakes from that weekend, which were my Brother's true treasures. I felt he wanted me to have them. Now I treasure them. Just thinking about clearing all of his earthly stuff out of that apartment still makes me cry. He was such a gentle good person.It still bothers me( 3+ months later) that we never did an autopsy. I just don't get why he had to die; now, we'll never find the real cause of death from the doctors.My family still won't deal with it.I feel those doctors totally are @ fault & got off Scott-free.Oh well, I've got to let that one go :-(

I'm in a sad place today. We are picking up Marbles Ashes tonite. I keep thinking I'm getting better about dealing w/ grief and Wham...the Vet calls about Marbles. It brought all of my saddness back up to the surface again today(probably why Harv's on my mind ). I been missing Marbles and Harv today. I guess it's normal to just feel like crying all day (because that's what I seem to be doing today).This too shall pass.

G-d Bless you guys,

Diane

[patssister]

Hi I am new here. I am looking for some help. My brother Patrick died 8 months ago yesterday and I am still dealing with a huge pit in my stomach. I have been on the verge of crying every moment for the past few days. I miss him very much. I just didn't know if this was normal?

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Patssister, It's normal! Unfortunately...

I find those aniinevrsary days, months, etc, find me dwelling more on the loss. The more time that goes by, the more I miss Joey. I tell myself he's on a long trip in a place I can't visit until I pass this life... But the more time that goes by, the more I wish he would just phone home. My need to have him be a tangible part of my life didn't cease when his life here stopped. And I guess I will miss him terribly always... I cling to knowing I will see him again on the other side and time is the only thing that separates us. It's funny how we say "time flies" but when the someone so dearly departs from us in this world, time seems to stand still. I wish I could say something to ease your pain and your falling tears. But I hope and pray that you are comforted in knowing that you are not abnormal for your feelings and that you don't have to walk this gref journey feeling alone. We're here to walk with you if you want company. I'll pray for you. Love, Claudia

[robertssister]

Patssister,

Hello! Sorry about your loss. My brother Robert died in a car accident 8 months ago yesterday the 28th. I woke up and just felt so sad yesterday some days I'm fine but other days all I want to do is cry . My family lives in NY and I'm in Pa so on days like yesterday I feel so alone. My husband has been great ,but sometimes I just want to see mom and dad and other family members . I pray that you will have a good day today. Sorry that you had to come to this site but there is some really good people here that can help you.

You can write me anytime, I'll be glad to talk to you. Barb

[diane1234]

Dear Patssister,

I'm soo sorry for your loss. You definitely are in the right place. I lost my brother Harvey unexpectedly this past Thanksgiving(our dog too this past month). I still expect Harv to come around the corner or call me & say "Hey hey whow whow Di" (it was his favorite phrase).Well, that hasn't happened yet! The people on this site have really helped me realize that my expectation's about him are normal. I know on a rational level that someday I will see Harv again and hear him greet me.But that's a ways off for me. Maybe someday he'll come to me in a dream & chat(I haven't had a dream w/ him in it yet?).I wish you well & know that this is a good site for you to be real w/ others about where you're @ on any given day.

G-d Bless,Diane

[jackiewitter]

Dear Patssister, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know firsthand the depth of pain when you lose a brother. I lost little brother only 7 months ago tomorrow. And yep, those tears keep coming. My husband is out of town so I lay in bed last night and cried for about an hour before I finally fell asleep. I don't want to be in this pain any longer, but this is the price of love. I read that somewhere once! I did love him so much and as Claudia says, there in lies the pain. The loss is emense and I have a hard time getting past the part of not seeing him again in this life. Like Diane I continue to feel like he is going to be around the corner. This site is a God send. My special friends here have helped more that I can ever say. On one of my hardest days, cleaning his apartment and the following day, his birthday, my gang of friends was with me the whole way. Claudia called and left the most precious voice mail, I could feel hers Diane's and Barb's prayers all around me. I have a feeling this pain and emptiness will be with us a long, long time, but know that there are good people here that you can talk and cry with. We are stronger in numbers, when we all reach up to Him for comfort of a hurting friend you would be surprised that you can get by. I will add you to my prayers as I am sure my other friends have already. I hope that you find peace and if you continue to come here, I will be happy to share with you what I can. Peace and blessings.

Girls,

I am back, I missed you all so much, but couldn't quite find the energy to do anything. That was torture, but there are many things that I found that I have shared with Claudia and I'll send you two an email as well. We are going to get through this and we are going to come out so much stronger. If only to aid someone else through this. I cannot think of a greater tribute for Joey, Harvey, Robert and Jeff. I truly believe they feel us as much as we feel them. I spent Sunday with my family at a secluded beach spot that Jeffrey and I used to go to as children, I embraced all the memories that we had there and though I wish things were different, I think I am more accepting of them now. I could go on forever, I'll share more in the email. I love you ladies and again I cannot thank you enough for all the prayers that pulled me through last week. All my love, Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie ( & ALL),

I'm glad you're doing better,Jackie. You have been in my prayers lately. I think our brothers are happy that we've ALL found each other thru them (w/ G-d's Hand on us too).It's good to see acceptance in your words. I have come close lately to getting a glimpse of acceptance w/ Harv's death( his not physically being here anymore for me).

However, I just want to HOPE that I really get it for real someday.I too have had a hard time sleeping lately(plus my family's on my nerves again).It happens when I think about the word NEVER as it relates to the physical world. I still haven't accepted the Truth of G-d's Will for my brother. I'm over being mad @

G-d for taking Harvey too soon; but I'm still questioning the "WHY" part of his death. I guess I've got to get to the acceptance of HIS will & not mine?? I think that's where I've been stuck lately.I have to let go of questioning the circumstances of his death. I just haven't figured out how to do that yet?

Enough of me. How are You? I was glad to see your post :-)

Claudia, How is Wilson doing?

I'm soooooo grateful for you guys & everyone on this site!

Bless You All,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

JACKIE!!! Yay! Wecome back. We missed you too girlfriend!! You have so been on my heart. And I am just so happy that my little phone message picked you up in spirit during a gut and heart wrenching time. I wish I could have been there in person...

Diane, Wilson is doing great. He is actually coming back to work for us (light duty) on Tuesday. He and his dad came for a short visit this afternoon, and his last follow up appt. at the hospital is tomorrow. He looks great. He's smiling a lot and his whole countenance is changed. He knows without a doubt that his life is a gift from God, and he's just so happy to be with us. It's amazing but everyuone now knows him by name and he's become such a part of our family here in Ecuador. Our ministry raised evry penny and more for his hospital bill, which is just an amazing gift in itself. What an ordeal he's been through, and us too, so it's just great to have him well enough to come back and spend time with us at the mission property.

Barb, I hope you're doing well. It sounded like you were feeling blue and lonely for your family. I know how that feels, being so far from everyone I love back home.

PatsSister, I'm continually saying little prayers for you. Let us know how you're doing and if we can do anything for you, just ask. We're sending hugs and love, Claudia

[robertssister]

Jackie,

Hello ! Good to see your back hope your doing well.

Claudia,

Hello! to you glad to hear that Wilson is doing well. I hope you and your husband are feeling better.

Yes, the other day I was missing my family alot. My twin sister went to my other brothers house for the week end and he's about 3 hrs away from her . Well she called me today and was telling me where her will was just incase something happened to her. Boy did that make me sick to my stomach. Her husband died of cancer in Dec 2005 and she had there baby Jan 2006. And our brother died June 2006 .So She's really worried somethings going to happen to her or her baby Kathleen. anyways I miss my family alot we havent been home sinces Dec 31st. I dont think we are going home till Easter. My mom I think really wants us to come up home . Mom and I every week went out to eat and had coffee at each others houses all the time. I work at a Mcd's and I want to cry when I see mothers and daughters coming in to eat and seeing them laugh and have a good time. I miss mom alot. we talk every morning at 5:30 am before I go into work. I just really miss mom and dad. :) talk to you all later. Barb

[jackiewitter]

Diane, I certainly understand your need to resolve this. I crusaded for that one for 6 months. I set my alarm for every two weeks. If I had not heard from the investigator or the ME, then I called them at least once every two weeks, the heartless SOB's. I know that's ugly, and so unChristian, but I don't understand how you can be in a job like that and be so heartless. I am asking for forgivness now as I type. I wish that I could offer you some advise, but you are the only person that can determine if you want to persue any cause against the people responsible. In Jeffrey's situation, it was an accident, pure and simple. It most certainly could have been avoided, and people will be killed again by the same method, but nothing I do can change that. It's a casualty of doing business. Much like the men that fell while constructing the Hoover Dam, it's sad, but it happens. I think I carried Jeffreys burden because it kept him close to me. As long as I was fighting his cause then he was still "alive". Claudia told me once that I may have to accept the fact that I may never know how he died, and that was hard, but it was true. The investigation has yielded nothing concrete, it's funny but I actually know more about what happened than the investigators. The area director actually ask me to write a statement of my conversation with the men he was working with. That was two weeks ago and that was when I decided to lay it down. The investigation will not change policy, nor will it do anything to bring Jeff back. I have been studying so hard and trying to come to terms with what I am left with. Once there were 6 of us and now my Mom, Dad and baby brother are no longer with me. My Mom and Jeffrey died younger than they should have by our standards, but I don't know what God spared them from. Neither do I know the joy that Jeffey, Harvey, Robert and Joey are sharing now. I can imagine but I certainly don't know. I cannot understand why He chose them, it seems unfair because we are the ones left without them. One scripture that stands out over the past few days is Philippians 4, vs 7, "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus". The peace that passes all understanding, that is what we are looking for and that is what we are praying for. Our minds cannot understand that these boys that we loved are gone and we cannot fathom peace in our hearts without them. So that's what we struggle for, the peace. I pray that one day we can lay down at night and be so comfortable in the thought that they are waiting for us and we just continue our chores until we are there. I want to smile in the memory of Jeffrey and know that I will be with him again. It must be a good day because I am smiling. I hope that tomorrow brings to you a good day. I too pray for the dreams, I just wish to see him again, whether it be a childhood dream/memory, or as an adult, I don't care, but like you, I would love to dream of him and see his smile. Peace and prayers are with you my dear friend, and again I cannot thank you, Claudia and Barb enough for last week. Much love and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Barb, I have not talked with you in a while, I hope all is well. I read your post so I guess your parents have not made it down yet. I hope the spring will bring us all something new. It will allow you parents to get out and we can see the newness of all that is blooming around us. I have thought of you frequently, as well as Diane and Claudia. I did want to thank you personally for your thoughts and prayers. I'll be honest...it sucked! But, I think I grew in many ways, I shared many things with my older brother and I realized in my visits with him that I was not Jeffrey's only sibling. My older brother also was hurting and I was able to offer some comfort him. What more can you ask for in life right? I wish you were close so that I could share my family with you...trust me, these 4 kids, you would be familied out!!! I need to send you some of the beach pictures from Sunday, I'll try and do that tomorrow. Much love and prayers, I hope God gives us all what we need for this weekend. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jillssister]

Jackie... I had read your post about talking. My husband I think is trying to understand but does not really. He lost his mom 9 years ago and I know that was hard but I think we forget how we feel at the early stages of grief after that amount of time. Also I think that men handle things so differently then we do. I cry alot at night since this is the time I have to think and remember and I know he is not sure how to handle it. I don't even know how to deal with it sometimes. I guess I feel though that he does not really understand what I am going through and ignores it so he does not have to deal with it.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Jillssister, I believe your husband probably understands more than you think he does. The problem is most likely that it pains him os much to see you hurting and there isn't a thing he can to do to fix it for you--like we had talked about earlier. I also believe it's harder for husbands to get down with their wives into a fox hole of grief and the grit if pain. My problem in the early stages was that I felt my husband should climb in with me and feel like I did--ride it with me. He actually was riding it with me, but in a very silent way. After 7 months my husband recently wrote this in my son's memorial site guestbook..

"The truth is, I haven't had the courage, and I haven’t allowed myself to experience the level of grief that is appropriate to healing. You see, I don't deal with death too well, and so I tuck it away in a part of my mind where things are kept safe until circumstances make it no longer possible to conceal... I have seen your Mom go through things that have been so hard to bear. I have at times felt helpless in somehow easing your Mom’s pain. She is and remains my heart song and now there will forever be a verse that is missing... I miss you my son. "

I cried and cried when I read that. It confrmed that his pain too is very deep. He misses what he had with Joey. He just couldn't express it in the same manner and time as I. We went through horrible stages of me being angry and distant, thretaneing our marriage and so forth; I think mostly this was because I felt he just wasn't there for me. I see now how much he was there for me and still is; How much he loves me and hurts for the hurt I feel. He just processes and responds so differently than I, and I cannot fault him for that. I see so much grief on this board and everyone who had gone through the exact pain and loss as I processes it differently, so how can I expect my husband to know what to do to help me when we don't even know what to do to help ourselves most of the time? Its such a hard and lonely place, this grief. I finally opened up to Michael and told him how I truly feel about the way he processes this grief, and how it makes me feel. I behaved unfairly and judged him porrly for his way of dealing with it and not helping me enough--not feeling what I do, and I told him I probably will behave irrationally for some time as I am learning to live differently. He understood. And I told him I WILL cry, and to let me. Don't evaluate me when i cry, and don't ask why. I just will need to cry. Just yesterday he asked me why I was in a bad mood as we prepared to visit a neighbor. And I responded with tears that "I am just sad". That's all I needed to say. He hugged me and silently let me know that he cares. He knows he can't fix it or me, but he cares and hurts for me too.

This is why I am thankful that I can come here and express myself with others who are here that may be going through or feeling exactly as I do, or at least have at one time and can share a slice of wisdom with me. I also know I can share with someone else after i've experienced something and have found healing. I can talk with my husband, but that doesn;t mean it will make me feel better--especially if he doesn't respond in a way that I need at that moment. I guess I can look at it as a problem. But it's more my problem than his. So, I prefer to think of it as God has led me here for those empty gaps to be filled when I need a kind word or an understanding piece of advice, etc. I have learned through this that God is God and my husband is NOT. Michael cannot be everything to me no matter how much I want him to be or how much he would like to be. God didn't intend it that way. And as I realize this, I am more satisfied, because I would never have reached out and found some of the most precious new friends that I know will be my friends for a lifetime.

Be kind and patient with yourself (and your husband if you can). Your relationship will survive and grow through this if you ket it. Marriage is hard work in the good times. The bad times are exhausting! I'm praying for you. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Jillssister, I do believe that men process this differently. The seen to be more one dimensional. Nothing against them, but just by their very beginning stages in life teaching them to tough-up, shake it off, etc...I am so glad Claudia was able to open up and just say what she she needed from Michael. I don't want to cause more grief to my husband, but I did want him to "fix" it, like he has so many times in the past. We have had numerous struggles (4 kids, that says it all), but my husband has always been the backbone and led us through many difficult times. Now I feel as if I am on my own, I don't have my parents or my brother and my husband is pretty much useless in this. That is what brought me to this site. This is where I met Claudia, Diane, Barb and many other good women (and men) that have and are experiencing many of the same emotions (and sometimes physical pain). Through this my faith has become stronger, I hope that my children are watching and taking note, because when something of this magnitude hits you, then you have to have your faith. I know that I am probably setting myself up for a fall with this statement, but I do feel more every day that I am getting the strength to face this. Watch, tomorrow I will be a blabbering idiot, it has happened before. One of my best suggestions is to continue to come here and participate in the healing. If anything, I have learned here is to expect the unexpected, there are no time-tables, there are no standards of grief, I think it was Mark or Claudia that said that there was no manual issued with the grief. At times I think I may truly know how Jonah felt when swallowed by a whale, what isolation and dispair. But on the brighter side, we all know how that story ended. I do hope that you continue to come here. I will keep you in my prayers. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Jillssister & ALL,

I understand what you're going thru..I too have a husband who I hid my feelings from. I have chosen to accept him for who he is and to pray for him. He lost his Dad 5 years ago and I've acctually never seen him cry over it. He likes to be in the anger of it all; as I liked to be in the saddness of my Brother's recent death.However, I think that I too got stuck in the sadness, blame, wrongful death aspect etc..of my own brother's death a few months ago.I chose to stay in the comfort of a dark sad place for myself & I forgot what the LIGHT looked like. I too was frustrated,sad & mad (@ the doc's,my family and G-d).I really wasn't letting anyone in (especially my hubby).It was when our family pet died 2+ weeks ago & I chose not to cry in silence, that a light went on again in me. I told people in here I was sad.Jackie & Claudia were soooo kind to me . I felt their prayers for Marbles.They were kind in a way that I knew then;the Hand of G-d was on me ( and had been on me the whole time since Harvey Died). I'd been in HIS Grace for a while.I found my way back to G-d & was able to pray again for the 1st time in awhile! I prayed for Jackie & then Claudia's Friend Wilson. What a difference a week makes! Tonite I'm going to dinner w/ my pastor & hubby. I am done blaming people. I want to make a difference today. I want to be an arrow in Honor of my Brother's death into the community of my birth. Tonite, I will see how I can do that. I will pray for you all & your hubbies in here :-)

G-d Bless & Shalom,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Diane! I am so cheering you on!!!! Love, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Hi Diane, Claudia, Jillssister,

I can feel so much healing right now. I know that at anytime the sorrow can sneak up and swallow me whole, but I now know that I can swim my way out of it. That is something that I did not think was possible even a month ago. I think Diane is right, once I laid down the cross that I was carrying, the one of blame, and pity and how unfair this all was, that was when I began to see beyond my pain of loss and see Jeffrey's gain. That was when I was blessed with the peace of mind as to where Jeff was...he was with Joey and Harvey and my mom and dad and so many others that persevered her, but were allowed to go home. No doubt my prayer warriors (Claudia, Diane and Barb) pled my cause and He answered with a calm over my being while I endured one of the hardest challenges of my life, facing Jeffs birthday and clearing his apartment. Not only did He stay close to me, He gave me an added gift, the beginnings of healing the relationship with my older brother. The knowledge that God led me to this site, to Claudia and to Diane, just watching Diane embrace her faith, it fills me with awe. I feel like a warrior, I have the armour on and I am ready! Death where is thy sting? Jeffrey's absense only furthers my resolve to get through this and join him. That is where I am, I have finally stopped looking at Jeff's death as a punishment. It is a victory and with that, I can face anything. Shalom Diane and Blessings Claudia. Peace and love, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

My dear Jackie, you too have embraced your faith, and as you said, I am in such awe of how God lifts us from our deepest agonies when we turn to Him. So many times I see people turn to ther loved ones lost as a savior, as the ones sending the signs, and it saddens me. Because while I love Joey so very much and know in my heart and memories he will forever remain "with me" in those ways, it is the Lord Himself who desires our worship and our fellowship. I believe it is He who sends the signs that our loved ones are well, and His grace that allows us to always feel the special love shared with our beloved lost. It brings me such joy as we journey together into deeper faith, deeper meanings into the purpose of our lives, and greatest hope in knowing we will all be united in His Kingdom. You rock, girlfriend! Love you! Claudia

[jillssister]

Claudia, Jackie and all.....

Thank you for all of the great insight. I know that my husband is hurting just like me since he has known my sister almost as long as I. My husband and I have known each other since grade school and after we were married he developed a special bond with her (that I was sometime jealous of). I think that part of the issue is I want him to take care of me and help me and he does not know what to do for me. I don't want to have to tell him I just want him to know. I want him to be the strong one since in the past I have always been the one who is strong. For once I don't want to have to do it all. I know it is hard for him when i cry alot but I just wish sometimes he would step up but I know that he too is hurting and we need to get through this together.

Aside from that I have been dealing with so many different emotions lately. Monday was so hard for me and I'm not sure why that day. I think in my sub concious I associate monday and tuesday with the day of her surgery and the day she died. I keep going back to the phone call from my dad and re-living it. I am getting angry about some things that are going on in my family and I feel bad. For example. My uncle has been taking her kids skiing every saturday. My kids love to ski and they want to be able to do something like that but I feel like my kids are being pushed to the side because people feel they need to make things up to her kids. Don't get me wrong I love her kids and would do anything for them but I feel like "because she is dead her kids are getting attention that they otherwise would not have gotten" and my kids are feeling it. I know that sounds horrible and I should not be angry but I am also getting tired of listening to my mom say well lets check with "Roy" who is her husband or what would "Roy" want.... What about what I want or her brothers want or you as her parents want.... I had her for 9 years and yes they were married. But I had her for 29 years and she was my sister, my blood.

thank you for allowing me to do some venting.....

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi JillsSister, I can totally understand and appreciate how you feel regarding all of the extra special attention that your sister's husband and children receive. I do believe that it's a natural response to automatically think of the immediate ones left behind, especially where children are involved--as if we can somehow make up to them for missing their parent, or wish that we could make it up to them. And I guess in doing so, we don't realize over in the corner sits a brother or sister and her family, feeling a bit isolated and hurting no less that the immediate family of spouse and children. It's kind of a natural order of things though when thinking of loss--such as how a death is listed on an obituary page. The order of survivors listed is spouse, children, parents, siblings, and then extended family. And I guess that's the natural order in how society addresses the grievers. The spouse and children are affected intensely every moment of every day, because they are now missing a shared breath in the household--someone that was there with them in life nearly every moment. And while your pain is no less significant or paralyzing, the natural response of many family members is to look at the motherless child, the wifeless husband, and so on. I suppose the ONLY way you can get over this hurdle and not feel so angry and left out is to ask yourself if you were the one who had lost your life, would you want your family (above any other action) to lovingly come to the aid of your husband and children in an effort to comfort them? Nothing anyone can do will fill the void of such a huge loss. But I suppose the family feels it's the least they can do. And in their actions, it's difficult to think anything can be more devastating than what has happened to this husband and their children. They don;t automatically think Sister and her children are in need of our attention as much as these that have lost their wife and mother, because your immediately family in your household is all in tact and you have each other to love and grieve and be together, whereas Jill's household family is broken, someon ein the house is missing, etc. It may not make much sense what I write, because the pain is there and it hurts, regardless... But I still think the ONLY way to get through this portion of anger in your grief is to ask yourself that question, How would you want your family to respond to your children and spouse if it had been you?

I don't think anyone in your family purposefully means to neglect you or your children. Their actions in part are a result of their own grief and coping. It's possible that they too think about things like, How can I best honor Jill? And one answer is to care and come to the aid of her children and her widower. It's just a natural order of thought, and a natural response to loss and grief. And as difficult as the situation is. and as left out as you feel, you are Jill's sister--someone also who has lost someone so precious in life. And in your own grief, are you asking yourself what you can do to honor your sister? Or have you not yet reached the point past numb, dazed, confused, angry, guilty, etc...? It's just like Jackie and Dinae have both said, once we are able to lay down our cross, (the burden of anger, blame and selfishness in our grief), then and only then are we able to begin to find some kind of peace and truly begin to honor our lost beloved.

This is all so fresh still for you, dear friend. I hope you do not feel judged for what you feel. My intent here was only to give you a different perspective to think about, so that perhaps you might find a way out of the angry and jealous feelings you have, because they truly only compound the grief and despair. Be gentle and kind to yourself, because what you are feeling are not abnormal at this stage in your grieving. You might also want to ask family members if your children can join in some of the planned activities for Jill's children, as they miss aunt Jill too, and don't want to suffer being left out and feeling distant from their cousins and family members. People generally tend to overcompensate for a while. But I imagine it won't last a very long time, as people generally tend to get back to life of their own. When that happens, the world will become even more cold and lonely for Jill's children and husband. And then there will be a new dilemma....

Loss is a terrible thing to go through. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering, and I wish I could help you. We all walk in our fashion, and all we can do is ride the waves of pain and do the best we can moment by moment. I think that's what we all do--you, me, Diane, Jackie, your husband, your children, Jill's children, your uncle, your folks... It's all any of us can do...

God bless you, JillsSister, and I pray He brings you comfort in the moments when nothing makes sense and the pain is so overwhelming. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Jillssister, Oh how much you hurt. Really sucks doesn't it. All those things that you are feeling, the anger, the jealously (even though it's not really jealously), the feelings of needing to share with your husband, honey all of those are the need to replace the emptiness with something else. Nothing your husband can do will make you feel better, there is nothing, absolutely nothing but time that can will you feel better right. You can pray, cry, scream, but the pain that you feel is as real as if someone cut you open. My friends here were so good to allow me to rant and rave and try to get a handle on my pain, but in the end, I had to travel this road by myself. They were there telling me where the pot holes where and how steep the next hill was, but I had to walk that road by myself, God was with me, but it was my road. All the emotions that you feel are simply an effort to try and replace the loss that you have.

The anger you feel about her children, I can top that one. My brother had a son, he is 15. When I was going through Jeffrey's things my nephew took Jeff's cell phone and was going to use it for himself. All my brother's text messages and everything were erased from his phone. I was so angry about that, I guess I still am because I am starting to breath heavy! That was his son, how on earth could I possibly be angry at him, he lost his dad and I am upset over a cell phone? The logic doesn't matter, I am still mad over that cell phone.

I wish that I could help with the husband issue, but I have not really gotten past that one. Like you, all I want my is for my husband to fix it. He always has in the past. He ask me one night what I wanted from him and in all honestly I couldn't tell him, I just ended up blubbering "bring my brother back".

I am saying all this to try and help you to not be so hard on yourself, and be patient with yourself and your family. This is a long journey and you need all the strength you can muster for it. Without God's grace and my most wonderful friends from this site I don't know how I could have made it. Not that my journey is over, He has just blessed me with a mountain view right now! I do not believe that anyone could have ever prepared me for this, I don't believe that you can desribe the pain, emptiness and loss of self that comes with this grief. I hope you continue to come here. The friendship that I have shared her is so empowering, and the renewed faith that I have found has been my lifesaver. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[robertssister]

Hello! I have read all the post and my heart is breaking . I can feel the pain in all of you . I can also understand how we all feel left out of things and not understood. At least I feel this way that were just the sisters or brothers to our loved once were not the husband or wife so they should come first to everyone . I'm Not heartless or insensitive But I'm in pain too. My heart brakes that my brother isn't here that when I go home for easter and my bday he wont be there to say funny things and to hurry lunch along because he's hungry . Or for our church sun rise service to go buy boxes and boxes of donut's just because he wanted ONE :) . Let me tell you if Robert had it his way he would have been helping them set up his own funeral and cleaning things up after wards thats just the man he was . and I miss him so much. sometimes its not about husbands and wives its about how the rest of the family is dealing with the death and when is someone going to be there for them.

My dad wrote on Roberts remembers page and it says something like this .

Not a day goes by sometimes NOT even an hour that I and your mom dont think of you. If the phone rings, pager goes off or the door pops open the memory is there. Remembering the conversations we had by only just a look maybe across the room. the laughter , energy , dreams... from little baby to growing boy to young man to husband and dad.. As mom just said today who would ever have thought he would be gone.

we know that he is in heaven and that someday we will see him there. Though not on the road ahead or in the mirror behind you are always there in our thoughts.

It's that so true . we will never forget our loved once nor do we want people to forget there family's. . Sometimes we just feel alone in this big world and need a HUG. and I thank you for my Hug today. Barb

[diane1234]

Hello All,

This weekend I went to services for the first time since Harvey's funeral. I was surprised when my Husband said he wanted to join me.I want you all to know that I felt such a sense of peace & fellowship there...I had almost forgotten my relationship w/ the spiritual side of me. Well long story short, going to the temple and connecting w/ G-d again; really has helped my husband & I to get along better. Maybe Jillssister , you could go to Church w/ your Hubby & Jill's family soon and see how you feel. Prayer & Hymns really soothes me and I did alot of praying for Harvey. I felt like he was with me the whole time :-) In my culture we do a prayer called the Mourner's Kaddish. When you lose a close member of the family, you stand & recite this ancient prayer. I only did the prayer once before in my life @ the funeral service graveside. This time I did the prayer in a place of MY choosing( a place where Harvey liked the Rabbi/Pastor).I'm soo grateful for the chance to Honor my Brother(& G-d) again thru prayer & fellowship.I don't think I would've been able to do it had you gal's not been here for me(ALL of you :-) I feel really positive & blessed today. Thank you ALL for being such dear friends on this part of my journey in life :-)

G-d Bless,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

YOU GO GIRL!! (jumping up and down with pon poms) YOU GO GIRL!!

Diane, I am so very happy to hear your news. I just don;t know what else to say. I feel like cheering!! Love you! -Claudia

[jillssister]

Thank you to all of you.... I have been going to church when life permits My children play soccer and we have alot of soccer on the weekends. I have found some solace their as this is the church she went to. Sometimes though I find myself asking why he took her. I know that my pain is still so raw as it has only been 7 weeks since her death. I don't really think I have allowed myself to grieve totally since I was helping to plan her funeral and get everything together and still I am doing so much for her family. I have been running kids to appointments and going on field trips while I still have my family to take care of and work. I'm reaching the point of exhaustion. I think in my mind if I stay busy I will not have to deal with it but I know that I need to.

Things got a little worse this weekend for my family. My brother came home and we had to put him in an alchol rehab. My mother is really having a hard time with all of this since her mom is very sick as well. I feel like we are surrounded by negative vibes and my karma needs some adjusting

I know that my family does mean well and it is so funny Claudia that you told me to ask the question. My husband said the same thing. He also said to me.. "how would you feel if it where me and my brother wanted to make decisions and felt the way that you do",.... that really put it into perspective for me. I think sometimes though I want to be selfish. I will do what ever I can for her kids and husband but I think as I continue along this journey I will experience so many different things that I will sometimes know how to handle and others not so much.

I am so glad that I have found all of you and know that you know what I am going through and are so willing to help me through this. I hope that one day I will be able to help some of you.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear JillsSister, I am confident that you will hop over big hurdles, and that you too will be a comfort to many who are grieving and experiencing loss behind you. For now all you can do is take it a day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and give yourself the time and room to grieve in your own way. We're all selfish in times of our lives that hurt so much. It's human nature, but God understands and he is so forgiving. 7 weeks is no time really, and you will have a roller coaster ride, as we all do. So don't be hard on yourself. One of the best things that has helped me is to just allow myself to feel... But be careful not to get stuck in a trap if at all possible. Come up for fresh air, eat helathy, drink lots of fluids, and get plenty of rest. Grief fatigues me, even now. I'm sorry about your brother. Maybe this will be a light to the family after all is said and done. I pray his rehab is healing for him and for all of you. Blessings and Love, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Hi girls. I just wanted to echo Claudia's words of the "trap". I feel like the last 7 1/2 months have been an eternity. I don't know about the others but I am sure I was in some phase of depression. I had difficulty doing the smallest of things. I paid my bills late, I quit making my bed in the morning, on the weekends I didn't shower or get out of my pajamas. The only life that I had was for my two grandsons(thank God for that new baby or I don't know where I would have been). I hate admitting some of this because it is so embarrassing, I am in the finance business and here I was paying my bills right before they reached 30 days...only because the energy to get up and go online and pay them was too much. Looking back I realise that those mundane things would have kept me a part of the living. Jill while you are busy doing all that running around, you are still a part of what is going on. Now it seems you might could go overboard the other way, but I would encourage you to keep up as many of your normal activities as possible. I am probably praying 10 to 20 times a day now, small prayers....Lord, just get me through this one, give me the determination to face this. Lord, just help me get out of bed. One of the best things that I did was reach out to Barb and then to Diane just as Claudia had done for me. I did not realize the bonds would be this strong, I only wanted to let them know that I was hurting for them and would pray for them. It is amazing what that did for me, I was taking the focus off of my pain and thinking of the pain that Barb and then Diane were experiencing. I wanted to help them, I wanted to ease their pain with prayer or words, just as Claudia had prayed for me and eased my mind, that's what I wanted for them. Know that we are here to pray, cry and smile with you. The smiles will come again I promise. Peace and blessings Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Still here... And still praying for all of us. Lots of love, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

hey girls..

Just wanted to wish you all a good night and a good weekend. Can you tell I am off tomorrow! There's something sad about moving on isn't it. What we wish for most is peace, but when it starts to come it seems that I need to go back to that sorrow. I wondered all that time how people could continue with their lives as if he never existed, now I am wondering the same for me. As I begin to heal I am not sure that I should. Doesn't make much sense does it? There's something quite unsettling about letting go. So I will contemplate these new feelings, maybe there are temporary and just of the moment. So many things have been. I tried to explain to my husband that I was trying to get comfortable in this new skin, the one of acceptance. The one without my brother, my mom or my dad. Am I teaching my children (at their age, go figure) all that I should be about what comes first and what means most? I actually just learned it myself, so how do I appropriately teach it? Need your insight Claudia...

I drifted to the other post and I am too coward to say anything. Actually I feel inferior to say anything, I know what I belive, but I am not secure in my knowledge to speak. I have that scripture in my head, if you don't declare Me amoung men, I will not declare you amoung My Father. That's my translation, certainly not verbatim.

Wow, can you tell the confusion here. I am struggling, but I am not even sure what with. Is it my pain or the calling/desire to be more? I don't know. I sure wish Jeffrey were here so all these questions and feelings were not in my head. I miss him. I dreamed of him the other night. He was around 10 years old and on a horse that my father had bought for us. He was riding away from me and he turned and smiled and waved. That was all that I got. The horse, the smile and the wave. Almost like riding off in the sunset, but not...I kept trying to remember if there was a photo of him like that, but I cannot recall. If there was a photo I don't have it. I still am not sleeping through the night, I awake (as always) around 12:50 - 1:30. What does that mean since I don't go to bed at the same time? Why do I awake at those hours, each and every night? What is God trying to tell me? This is much like a puzzle where all the pieces are the same shape. I am either not studying hard enough or listening close enough. Perhaps the dreams are just a gift from God. That would be a loving gift. I don't know, reaching for straws?

Wow, love you girls, that was really all I meant to post!

Peace and blessings, Jackie

[diane1234]

Jackie,

Sounds like you are in a place of uncharted waters (like us all,my friend). I too am taking it day by day again w/ acceptance. I was doing fine, until I was deleting pic's from my cell phone today. I had saved ALL of the pictures of Harvey's final month; from the "Smiling" one the day of surgery to the final one of him on FULL life support the day he passed. It's like I was on a pink Cloud spiritually & then BAM..back to earth for me. Maybe the lesson is to NEVER forget(and walk close to G-d now) & hopefully someday our new skin will be okay???

I too still don't sleep well. I still really haven't had any dreams of Harvey. How blessed you are that Jeff visited you on a horse. Maybe there's a message there for you? You're in my thoughts & prayers this weekend too ( as is Claudia).

On a Briter note...we have a Spring Blizzard here in the east !!!! Everythings a lovely white sugar coated world in Maryland :-) Maybe that's G-d wiping my heartache clean today! I hope so.

Luv Ya ALL,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Girls! Whew! I didn't think I would ever get back. Yesterday we had lightening storms, and I had the power unplugged but the phone line still attached to my laptop. A static charge through the phone line zapped the port on my computer. So I was without internet. We came to Quito today, and will be here till Wednesday. We use a hi speed wireless here..so yay! I'm back online!!

Jackie, I don't know that I have any gems of wisdom. I still find myself bouncing up and down on a string like a yo-yo. But for the most part I carry on the best I can. I think it has helped to me to tell myself that by letting go of some of my pain, that does NOT mean that I am letting go of my love for Joey, or letting go of him as my son either. I talk to him a lot--knowing he can't hear me--but it makes me feel better. I talk to God a lot too. The one thing I do know is that it's ok to move on. Everything has changed, and life is different, but moving on doesn;t mean forgetting. It just means that I do things now always thinking ahead of whether Joey would be proud of me, honored, or whatever. He is always in my thoughts and in my heart, and I could never forget anything about him--even though the pain might lessen or dull over time, Joey and his memory, and my love for him will not. There will be a lifetime of firsts for me without Joey here, and in that regard life won;t ever let me forget either, so I'm not afraid to let go of the pain to let some of the joy in life back in. It's ok, because I know Joey would want that for me too, especially because he would want his brother to experience a full mom, not a zombie or half-mom walking around. And by the way, my son Patrick became a home owner yesterday. I am SO PROUD of him!

With regard to teaching our children what is most important, sometimes the best things we can do is teach by example and pray for them. I share a lot of my feelings with Patrick about choices I make and work that I do. He learns from that too. We have very good and open communication. Just a couple of days before he closed on his house, the loan provider he was using went belly up. Fortunately his loan officer helped him rrlocate his loan elsewhere and praise God he was able to close as scheduled. I shared with him that I would be praying, and that he should too, but not just for his situation--also for the kind loan officer that would undoubtedly be without work after many years with the firm. I shared with Patrick that sometimes things happen in front of us that affect us, but maybe the lesson is something underlying, like maybe Patrick was supposed to just let the guy know he was praying for him and touch him in a way that could be life changing. So many people walk through life not feeling concern and care from others during crisis times. Anyway--leading by example and prayer: Two of the strongest weapons of defense in raising our children with godly hearts and minds. It helps to worry less when we know God is in control. Sometimes we have to go through difficult lessons to learn something deeper, and so we can't possibly dote so much as to keep our children from facing tough moments. Of course we want to do everything possible to keep them from falling and skinning their knees, and bruising their hearts. But we can also trust in a loving God that promises Rom 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Maybe this Scripture will also comfort you.. 1Pe 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Diane, I've been thinking of you too. Yes! Uncharted waters. It's what we all are journeying into as time goes on and we learn to go on and live our lives as fully as we can in honor, and cherishing those whom we've loved greatly that have gone before us--but it hurts so much. I feel sometimes like Peter (from Matthew 14), when he saw Jesus, Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But then he saw the waves and got scared, and he bagn to sink. Calling out for the Lord to save him, Jesus reached out to him. Just like that, we walk on the waves, and then we sink into them a bit, and the Lord always comes to our rescue. No matter what, we are not alone. We have Him, and we have each other, and I am so grateful for that!!

I have had no dreams yet of Joey either. But I guess my heart just isn't quite ready. How precious, Jackie, that you got to see little Jeffrey on a horse. Have you ever read any of the Chronicles of Narnia by C S Lewis? If you have not, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you pick them up, and maybe over time read them with your grandchildren. I started reading them before Joey passed into heaven. I couldn't put the books down. Then after Joey, I finished reading them, and I couldn't believe how therapeutic and healing they were. They are kind of a fantasy look at the things of God, like heroism, sacrifice, battle, vistory, heaven, good and evil, etc. VERY adventurous, and very entertaining. I think reading these with the grandbabies will certainly open the door for conversations about spiritual matters.

I love you ladies. I hope all of us are able to find a calm this weekend... I'm in noisy poluted Quito, but I brought my ambien!! Big Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

P.s. Jackie, Your question. "Is it my pain or the calling/desire to be more?" I think it's both... You've been through a lot. You've suffered greatly. AND you have been steadfast and growing in Christ for some time now. Don't feel cowardice. I have a confession.. Up until last year I wasn't comfortable witnessing and sharing my faith in various circumstances. It wasn;t because I was ashamed. It was because I was insecure too in my knowledge and understanding of scripture. And I did not go to formal training to be a missionary or to learn how to witness. To the shagrin of many, I wasn't brainwashed or conditioned with scripture responses to say. I went through trial by fire. I wanted to support my husband and be by his side. Little did I know the cost. But you know what? Over this past year I have fallen so deeply in love with my Savior. I'd lay my life down to defend what I know. And essentially I have, I guess, despite how much it hurt when I lost Joey just a couple of months after stepping out onto the mission field. I turned to Him to help me know Him more, and He is the One teaching me all the time, revealing more of His wisdom, and more of His loving nature with each step I take. It all comes down to your own deep personal relationship with Jesus. He will be the one to guide you and lift you in His wisdom. In time you will feel more and more secure, so don't let it get you down. HE knows your heart!! And frankly, so does everyone here. Love ya! Claudia

[diane1234]

Claudia,

Thank you for those pearls of wisdom.The quotes from the scripture are soo very true. Amen to your knowledge! You are a Minister in here :-)

I liked your reference to the waves & seeking the HAND of the Lord, when the waves do roll over us occassionally.I think I was hit by a wave this am; but the snow was like my gift from G-d (HIS hand)in the afternoon. How right you are :-) I hope Joey visits you someday in a dream too. I am patiently waiting for HIS will for me & hope I get a Harvey dream too.

I loved the Chronicles of Narnia too.I read the one book 10 years ago. I liked the refences to the Lion being Christ-like. They are such wonderful & positive childrens books( with such a GOOD message).I think Jackie & her grandkids would enjoy them too.

Have fun it Quito & spread the Good word:-)

Huggs to all,

Diane

[Guest Guest]

Hi my name is Mellissa, I have just turned 28 last week....i feel lost, hurt andgry and p*****off.....i have lost 2 brothers both younger in 3 months....my youngest brother died traggicly in a motor bike accident that was bought for hi by my mother as a brobery tactic and adam, my step brother to a drug overdose....im hurting, dont know what to do, were to go and wish so bad that someone will tell me this is all a very very bad dream.....how long will this pain be with me????