Loss of a Sibling

[jackiewitter]

Hi all, welcome our newest friend. I just wanted to drop a quick line, today would have been by Dad's birthday....well it still is his birthday; but I don't get to share it with Mom and Jeffrey. I am sure they are having a blast. Hope Robert, Harvey and Joey like birthday cake, Mom makes a mean one! Love you all, I'll delve into your post later this evening. Diane, you and Barb are both are on the upswing. Funny, I am not even envious, just delighted for your both. This is where I feel Gods power, that I can truly rejoice in your moments of glory and not be upset that I cannot get there. I pray that it continues for you for a long time. I love you all, peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Diane, Thanks for the psotive feedback on my blog. I posted a new one today. I've been thrilled that the creative juices have been flowing. I'm equally thrilled that I am finding some humor in some otherwise very challenging situations here at times.

It has been an exhausting week for me with visitors, celebration dinners for our visitors, a new bible study group--we had 22 people this past Wed, yippee!--and the regular work load here. I'm looking forward to a relaxing evening with maybe a movie and some popcorn. :-) Blessings & Hugs to all! Love, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Claudia,

How exciting for you, 22 people. That's wonderful. Take the weekend off, if you can! I got a double rainbow the other day on our way home. While it was certainly not as beautiful as yours, I thought of you instantly and snapped it with my camera phone. I did miss your call the other day and I wish that I had not. I am not in a happy place right now, and I seem to be pulling away a little more and a little more. I should probably spend the weekend on my knees and do more listening than praying! I need to be in a quite place where I spend my time thanking him for the gifts that I have rather than focusing on what I have lost. Funny I know what to do, but just don't do it! Hope you have a fabulous weekend. Peace & blessings, love, Jackie

[chiestand]

hi, reading the last post about thinking of what we have to be thankful for instead of thinking about what we have lost. i really do not know aboaut your journey, so i am speaking for myself here. I am new to this group.

I found that i had to spend time thinking about, journaling about the pain, embracing it before i could get to a better place. i'll never forget the day, nine months later i sat down and journaled and cried and prayed and read psalm 18 and thought about the word's "he's gone" and what that meant to our lives. I refused to think about it for 9 months, but it was always there. i didn't talk about it either... but once i embraced it and and the resulting pain, that thought that haunted me lost it's power. I get tears in my eyes now thinking of that phone call, but it doesnt' haunt me like it used to. One of my friends taught me to "embrace the pain" so i could grieve it and then let it go. i am sure most of you are already there and understand that, but i just thought i'd share my experience. carol

[chiestand]

i should add that i did n't have the courage to face these feelings until after i started seeing a counsellor..i guess i figured if i started to slide, she'd be there to pick me up again. carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Jackie-- I am so sorry it's a continuous and difficult struggle. Your comment about knowing but not doing reminds me of Paul from what is written in Romans.

Rom 7:15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

Rom 7:18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

Jackie, I hope and pray that you do not feel isolated and alone in how you feel. Even someone like Paul who was totally "sold out" for Christ struggled with his flesh and not doing what he knew he ought to do. It is a spiritual battlefield in the heart and mind. I believe you WILL overcome the dark feelings that cloud you now.

I've had my share of setbacks from time to time. I've been fortunate this past month to be moving forward through my grief journey. I suspect that being here, totally about God's business, has been good medicine for me to dwell not on the things of myself but instead on the things of God. I do miss Joey tremendously. Sometimes I can't believe that I just can't pick up a phone and call him. Honestly I dont't know what lies ahead where the grief journey is taking me. I pray some day I won't be able to say anymore that I am grieving, but merely that I have 2 sons and one lives in Heaven with the Lord. It still sounds so foreign to me...

I was reading something you posted on the marriage thread... it occurred to me for the first time. Of course I don't want to say anything insinsitive, so if this stings, I am truly sorry... I read that Chris was at the job site merely to set up contractors, but Jeff was staying for a longer time to work. Might it have been possible that Chris would not have made that journey? The events still would have occurred but Jeff would not have had Chris there to hold his hand and sit with him, or accompany him to the hospital. I can't help to think that Chris's presence there wasn't a fault regarding being feet away from the accident, but more he was there (assigned by God) to be a caring heart and a family member to be with Jeff so for all intensive purposes Jeff would not feel alone as he journeyed homeward. Does that make sense? I know it is hard to chew on the fact that questions linger unanswered. As women, we want the fine-tuned details of everything, as if they can provide us with the ability to hold onto our beloved longer or ontain "new information" that helps to keep their presence here and alive somehow. The not knowingdetails is something I struggled with early on. But I truly have found that they don't really matter. It doesn't change anything. And sometimes the details are like ticks that haunt us when we do know. I have to believe that God reveals to us what is meant for us. And if some details don't come to us, then I have to believe that it's God's will for my own good and not the fault of anyone else. Because in reality God is in control... I wish for you more peaceful moments very soon my dear sister and friend. Hugs!

Carol, I am so sorry I have not yet gotten to writing an e-mail to you. I so appreciate that you reached out to me to share your faith and your heart. It's been a whirlwind around the ministry here for the past few weeks. And this weekend I sit at the last minute to do taxes. Yuck! But... All is well and I am grateful to find that even though the circumstances, like ours, are very sad, that another sister in Christ has found her way to journeying with us. I can give credit only to God for allowing me to come through my giref in the manner such as I have. It has been less than 9 months for me, but I feel a freedom from the deep pain more often than not now, and that's such a blessing. Life will never be the same, but I am learning to live again, and it's a powerful testimony to what God can do in a heart. Thanks for joining us and sharing and encouraging us with your experiences and learned pearls of wisdom. God bless you. -Claudia

[robertssister]

Carol,

Hello! I'm sorry for what your going through. But you've come to the right place. It's been all most 10 months seens my brother Robert died in a car accident and some days I do good and other times I just want to stay in bed. I live 4 hours away from family so when I want to cry and be with family its hard . I do have a loving husband who understand and is there for me but sometimes I just want to go home. I wrote about counting my blessings I am very thankful for what I do have and the family I have to think that someday I will be in Heaven to see my brother and brother in law and other friends that have gone on before me is such a blessing to think about. My home town is very small they have about 120 people in church on sunday's and in the past year we have lost 4 people and it is just heart breaking but it makes you really Stop and think about your own heart and if you know JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR . Because the only way you are getting to heaven is if you have ask Jesus into your heart to save you from your sins. And I have done that and I cant wait to get to Heaven and see all my loved onces again. WHAT A DAY THAT WILL BE WHEN MY JESUS IS SHALL SEE. :)

Carol , Im sorry for the loss of your brother and I hope you find the peace that you need.

In Christian love

Barb

[diane1234]

Claudia,Carol,Jackie & Barb,

I just read everyone's posts & I have to say a loud AMEN to all of them :-) It appears we're all learning from eachother thru HIS WILL & GRACE. I think where ever each of us is at; is where we are supposed to be. Jackie,this grief thing- it's a life long process until we see our Beloved family members again. I feel it's okay to feel down from time to time. You know that there's G-d's Sunshine on the other side of that saddness/isolation.I agree w/ what Claudia said..do you think your Hubby was there to act as a Witness to Jeff & give him comfort? Maybe keeping a private journal like Carol said might give you some relief? I will keep you ALL in my prayers this weekend :-)

Huggs,

Diane

[diane1234]

Jackie & All,

I can now relate to what you're going thru w/ the voice mail & phone messages of Jeff. I forgot that my girlfriend had a home video of Harvey @ His Birthday last June. I was visiting her yesterday & she said she wanted to show me something on her computer. It was Harvey soooooo HAPPY. He was laughing & talking on the video.It was like I could feel him near me again. Well, I started crying... for awhile. I was very grateful to Janet for saving that piece of Harv for me. It was tough to watch .I haven't heard his voice in over 5 months. The irony is..Janet can't get the video to download off her computer onto a cd? I wish I could watch it again..to remeber how alive & vibrant he was just last june!I guess I just wanted to share the experience w/ you all& get your input.

G-d Bless,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Diane, Can Janet copy the video file to a jump drive for you? It sounds wonderful. I have no video memories... (sigh)

[jackiewitter]

Hi all,

This is exactly why I come here. Insight...sometimes you are so blinded by emotional pieces that you cannot see the whole. I know I have thought before that I was grateful that Chris was there, but I have been dwelling on the negative of him being there for so long that I had put out of my mind that Chris was actully there holding his hand, talking to him. Telling him that help was on the way, just hang in there. I am crying now because I can remember exactly what he told me he said, "hang on little buddy, help is coming, you are going to be fine, hang in there". He told me that he stroked his arms with ice because it was so hot. I know that because he always called him "buddy", he would answer the phone like that when he knew Jeff was calling..."hey buddy", so I can hear him in my mind saying that. Claudia, you are so right. I could not have comforted him if I were there, I would have been an absolute wreck, but Chris is not, he has always been very calm and has been in stressful sitations and handled them. But that is also the part that makes him seem less sypathetic, because he is analytical, he puts things together in his mind before he acts or speaks (wish I had some of that). Chris was actully supposed to be there just a day or two to set things up. I now need to go back and look at his itenary to see when he was supposed to come home. It may very well be that God placed him there specifically for that purpose...what am I talking about there's no "may have"; He did place him there for that specific purpose. I know that. Just as Jeffrey and I were there to comfort my father as he passed, Chris was there for Jeffrey, and Chris was a calming voice for him. The last thing Jeffrey would have heard if I had been there would have been my hysterical crying, but God chose rather for him to hear his Chris as he left here. How could I have problems with this? I cannot wait to talk with him tonight, and I am not going to be afraid, I am just going to tell him how very grateful I am that God placed him there to be his comfort. (Chris left today for Arizona)

It just seems that there have been so many highs and lows with all of this. It is absolutely exhausting. When Diane experienced the elation of hearing Harvey's voice and laughter, but then the saddness of missing him...so this is what bitter-sweet means! I hate to sound like one of those 12 steppers, but I have to take this one day at a time. I must focus on His will and there is no way that I (we) would be suffering if it was not meant to be. This life is but a vapor...right? Barb is on it...What a Day, Glorius Day That Will Be! As always, I thank you girls, I think of you daily and I pray for you (except when I am not mad and not praying). While I would most certainly not put myself in the realm of Paul, it is comforting to know that a Godly man like him struggled as well. I love you girls. Peace and blessings...Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh Jackie! Reading your post has me a thread from bursting into tears...happy tears, but tears of pain as well. I hope you are able to have a reuntied moment of oneness with Chris that has been far too long in slumber. Nothing would please the Lord more.

I love you! Blessings & Hugs, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Sometimes our eyes are so blurry that we don't see clearly. I cannot thank you enough for pointing that out to me. BTW, it did kind of sting!!! Kidding, I don't know why I could not see it. I told Nicki earlier today what you said about Chris being "placed" there. Of course it brought tears to her eyes and she reminded me how God also spared her by taking Jeffrey minutes after her birthday passed, certainly an answer to mine and Chris' prayers.

I also think that I had set myself up for a fall. I was feeling so much better in early Feb that when the sadness did set in, I was not prepared for it and almost like a relapse of a cold, it hit me twice as hard. I am going to take this one "prayer" at a time.

You are my God send, thank you. Love to you! Jackie

[chiestand]

regarding setting ourselves up for a fall: I think at first when we start feeling better, we think we are now going to "feel better". I used to say 'i think i've turned the corner". Now i just say i turned "another corner." I find when the waves hit, while i am in them, i feel just as awful as ever, sure i'll never come up for air in time. But when the waves come now, i find that after i come up for air, I am in a better emotional place then i used to after emerging from a wave.

I am watching the news aboutt he shootings at VTech. I find myself wanting to distance myself from this. One of our firends is very ill and i find mysel fwanting to withdraw from this too. I am trying not to do that as these people have been very supportive of em this past year. i am still trying to find the me that is emerging. i am sure the rest of you are going through some of the same things. I do not know all the d teails of the current discussion, but it is clear that God is at work and healing is taking place.

[chiestand]

two quotes by G. K. Chesterton:

"The riddles of God proved more satisfying than the answers proposed without God."

“God answered Job’s questions with more questions, as if to say the truths of existence lie beyond the range of our comprehension . . . And we are left with God’s original design and freedom… always the freedom to cast our lot with such a God or against him.”

i find comfort in these thoughts.

carol, Gordon's sbig ister

[diane1234]

Whew what a day! Jackie ,I'm glad for your break-thru w/ your Hubby & the reasons G-d sent him to be w/ Jeff.It makes my heart smile for you :-) Claudia..I'll ask Janet about the jump drive? I've never heard of that before? Does it work w/ a lap top? Carol, thanks for your passages..I've had a sad day today & they helped me. First I couldn't shake the bitter sweet experience of seeing & hearing Harv last June. Then the awful news of what happened at Virginia Tech.It is 4 hrs south of the DC area in Virginia.I have an 18 yr old nephew w/ many friends there. I kept praying for my Nephew's best friend Ryan(a freshman student there). By the Grace of G-d ,Ryan & my nephew's other pals are okay!I just don't understand the senslessness of it all? I guess siblings of the students may come visit us here on this thread. I pray for the families of the 33 students that were killed today. Such saddness.

Peace & G-d Bless You All,

Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Diane, a jump drive is also called a memory stidk, and it does work with a laptop. You can pick one up at walmart for a very reasonable price. We've used them for taking files back and forth from pc to pc for work, home, school, etc, and they are very small and convenient. They come in varied storage sizes. If you can find out from janet what the file size is, that will help you to know what size to buy. (Right click on the file and click on properties to see how many megabites the file size is.) I store a lot of important files from my laptop on mine as a quick back up as well.

I am also saddened by the news of what happened yesterday at VA Tech. So senseless... I pray that each person affected will find light and meaningful purpose outside of the act itself, because the act in itself is so dark. I hope that we can be a light to those that may visit here as a result.

I posted also this morning on the Marriage thread, and perhaps something there can be of help to those here as well, as a lot of it has to do with personal affects of grief and loss.

Love & Hugs to all, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, I have a lot of G.K. Chesterton quotes downloaded on my PDA and reflect on them often. Such a wise man, and such comforting quotes... Thank you for sharing. I am praying for you that you can continue to be a source of comfort and light for others in pain, as you certainly have been an uplifting light to me. Love in Christ, Claudia

[chiestand]

claudia, i want to read something by chesterton. I read a book by phillip yancey (soul lsurvivor) where he quoted Chesterton. What would you recommend? also, can you email his quotes easily. i would love that. i can't believe how God has used several of the quotes i already have to really help me.

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol,

I think of fictional works, Father Brown series is good. You can find it at:

http://www.cse.dmu.ac.uk/~mward/gkc/books/Complete_Father_Brown/index.html

Most of Chesterson's writings are very, very meaty. I find I have to be in just thr right mood to settle with a book. I do enjoy his essays and poems as well. He has many, many works available free on line, downloadable at the following link.

http://www.cse.dmu.ac.uk/~mward/gkc/books/index.html

One of the best non-fiction, I think, is "Orthodoxy". It's a bit meaty, but not as much as others and is very, very good.

I hope this web site helps and satisfies... Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol,

Also I highly recommend the daily devotionals from RZIM.org, called Slice of Infinity. Some of the daily readings, especially from writer Jill Carratini, have been a lifesaver for me through my grief. I often forwad them to friends that are on my heart on a specific day. I think you will thoroughly enjoy this daily devotional. You can visit the web, or send a blank e-mail just stating "subscribe" in the subject line of the e-mail to..

slice-html-subscribe@lists.rzim.org

Blessings, Claudia

[Guest Guest]

My name is Amy, my brother died last June in a car accident due to the flooding out of a road. I was called my youngest brother and spent entire day trying to find someone to replace me at my job so I could take some time off.

*I am an assistant for a friend with ALS (www.claudiasfamily.com) and her disabled children. I wasn't able to find help but was gone for a week. At the time claudia was able to care for her children, even though it was difficult for her. When I got back, due to my work situation I pretty much have been too busy to think about all the emotions that surround my brother. Often I think about various things and could burst into tears but that's not really something I have time or opportunity to do, because I am the only caregiver here and therefore, I stay focused on life & things that need my attetion.

The most frustrating thing I deal with is that people think I am "tough skinned" or "not close to my brother" so therefore, I shouldn't be hurt by what people say or feel anything about his death. I know some family was upset because we couldn't leave for ny from Indiana for 24 hours after hearing the news. I wish people knew how torn I am between this family that I've worked for since 1992 and especially during that time, my blood family. Some friends get it but most people say this is a job and I"m too involved.

I guess Im writing because I wonder if anyone on here struggles with emotions felt due to circumstances keeping you too busy or opinions of those around you.

Thanks for listening.

Amy

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain runs deep, even though we go on doing what we must in our own lives. What we must do in carrying on should never be the measure to anyone else of how deep our pain is or isn't. Our world can be so harsh and judgemental. My circumstances are different in that I lost a son. I have made some friends on this thread, so I visit often. But like you, I have a strong commitment to the work I do. I live in another country and work full time as a missionary. I had begun my work less than 3 months before my son died. I went back to the States and stayed for a couple of weeks with my younger son while we went through all of the arrangements and Joey's things. I then had to return to my work. Two weeks was not long to be with family, even though I wish I could have stayed longer. My life's work now calls for my commitment as well. Some people may have found me to be tough skinned. It's been hard to be away from everyone, but I carry on with my work, because I know that is what my purpose is for now--and it has been quite fulfilling and healing as well. You are doing what you know in your heart is right. Unfortunately most people around us see that we are making an odd choice--not a mainstream or popular choice. But I believe its the right one for me, and for you. It doesn't make it easy when we face judgements from others, as if they know our hearts better than we know our own, or our reasons. I'm so sorry you have to endure that. I find a lot of satisfaction in serving others. I love my family very much. And sometimes I do feel kind of torn. But I must carry on in following what I know is the right path for my journey, as I believe you are doing the same thing. It does not mean I care any less for my family. They too carry on with their lives and work, as we all have to. It may just seem easier for others to pass judgement because they conveniently find their work locally, more near the family. But there are many, many of us who work far from home--like our military service folks, missionaries, and many other service careers. And if we are accused of "taking our jobs too seriously", I will take that as a compliment, because I know my dedication to my work is helping others and changing lives for the better. Your dedication is no less. Thus said, know that there are many people out here that give you kudos and much respect for your difficult decision to remain dedicated and committed to your life's work of helping others. Try not to give too much weight to what others say. When someone close to us dies, many people begin to think differently--like all the what if's, should have, would have, could have's. It's just too bad that a lot of people turn those thought on judgements of what others should be doing instead of taking a good look at themselves. Everyone's journey and "work" is different. Each one must make their own decision and has no right to exclaim what others should be doing. Ultimately it is you that has to answer at the end of the day for your decisions, not them. And I believe when all is said and done and these lives of ours come to pass, everyone, including our family and friends that didn't understand at the time, will undoubtedly know that you made the best and right choice. I believe God knows.

I hope you find comfort and peace through your dedication in service to a family who needs you. I'm sure your brother would be very proud of you for not throwing in the towel when the going gets tough. Blessings & Hugs, Claudia

[robertssister]

Amy, Welcome !! I know you will find some good friends here please feel free to talk to us any time.

In christian love,

Barb:0)

Claudia ,

Hello ! how is your day going its nice here in Pa its 70 out and its going to be a good week end. My in laws are coming down monday its Grandparents Day at school on tuesday then two weeks later my parents are coming down . My mom and I are going to a mother and daughter dinner that my church is having. So its going to be a busy two weeks. :0) . I work at Mcd's and they want me to become a manager Please pray for me as I think about things . there's alot that goes with management even though its just MCD"S:) .

Jackie, Hi , I havent heard from you in a while I pray your doing well. Dont you live in TX? I just heard about someone held up in the space center. Boy , as the world gets worse. HEAVEN is looking better and better. My heart goes out to the people in VA.

hope your doing well. Thank's all of you for being my friend.

In Christian love,

Barb

[robertssister]

Hello! everyone , Amy is my older sister and she's doing a great JOB helping claudia and her kids. Can't wait to see her in August.:)

love ya Amy:)

Barb

[chiestand]

Amy, There is one thing i keep thinking of as i read your story. It has nothing to do with what people think, but i hear you say you feel you have had not time to think through the emotions surrounding your brother's death. That does concern me. Somehow, you'll need time some time to think and process. that sounds like such a clinical word, but it's a good one. However, I understand the ALS and all the commitment you have there. My son's father-in-law, he was also one of our best friends) died of ALS. it's a hard thing and a hard disease. I pray that you will find time to care for yourself in the midst of all of this. I had heard and found it to be true that grief would have it's way, sooner or later, whether i granted it time or not. So my prayer is that you will find time to care for your own soul in the midst of all of this.

and yes, people cannot understand unless they have been there. dont' you just know immediately when someone "gets it." and your spirit is connected.

carol, Gordon's big sister

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Barb--It's raining hard here, and 70. A few more weeks left of the rainy season. I'll be wlecoming the sunshine. Amy is very blessed to have a wonderful sister like you lifting her up in understanding bathed in prayer.

Love to all, Claudia--Joey's mom

[jackiewitter]

Barb,

Hey...yes, and the space center is about 2 miles from our house. I called all the kids to make sure they stayed off of Nasa Road 1, that's our main outlet. Funny, I tried so hard to avoid the news because Gage was here and I didn't want to explain to him was was going on with the Virginia thing and then on Friday it developes in our own backyard. I remember reading in one of my grieving books how much more profound matters affect you when you are grieving and I don't believe the media takes that into account (or they do and they don't care). But the images that have been posted all over the news (print, internet and television) have had an affect on me, I am terrified for my children, more so than I would normally be. Since Jeffreys death I call each of them at least twice a day, be safe, be careful; there's a storm coming, try to get home before it hits, that sort of thing. Now with my middle son off in boot camp and I am unable to talk with him daily it is tough. These are signs, they are all foretold in the Bible, so all we can do is quicken our steps in our daily walk and cling tight to Him. It's really hard to tell the kids to prepare for their future when you know things in the world are declining so rapidly. Teach them well and pray for their safety. I pray for the families that were affected by VTech and the same for the Nasa families. It is so sad to know there are people hurting and they have no where to go, no one to lean on. I am so grateful that I have a God who loves me and keeps me grounded and I am ever so grateful for my friends here.

Good luck with your decisions, it's always a tough decision when you are taking on more responsibility, don't take it lightly. I am so delighted about your family coming, I know that you have missed them dearly.

Claudia, do you exprience the same kind of crime there, are the people in Equador as apathetic as here or is it another set of problems all together. As always I marvel in your commitment.

Diane, kisses...I hope DC is beautiful this weekend. The poems were beautiful, even though they did make me cry at work!

Love you all dearly; I hope we can meet in this lifetime, but if not, I look forward to introducing you to Jeffrey when we meet up there.

Peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Jackie, We've been talking a lot lately to the Ecuadorian people about what is happening in the States. Violence here exists, but is mostly comprised of alcohol related domestic and child abuse, and some robberies here and there. People are apathetic on a very small scale here, and it's so rare to hear of shootings, kidnappings or sex offenses. I don't know why it's so different. One might think that a country in poverty might be more violent. But in reality it's the spoiled rich countries that see heavier violence, probably because people can afford guns and drugs much more than anyone can here. People here have to work so hard for what little they have, I imagine they are too tired at the end of the day to make trouble... What we battle more here is the task of feeding and clothing people who have nothing, and getting medicine to people who need it and can't afford it. Kind of makes you wonder, huh?...

[jackiewitter]

Claudia,

While I am so very happy that the people of Equador are not experiencing the maddness that is going on here, it is quite disturbing here. I am worried about my ability to function during my grief and there are people out there who cannot handle the things this world throws at them. The NASA incident was due to the shooter thinking he was going to lose his job and then today another murder/suicide in the Galleria area because a person was getting evicted. My most comforting thought is that our Joey, Jeffrey, Harvey, Robert and others don't have to see this kind of hatred for their fellow man daily.

Do you get daily news from the states, do you ever choose not to check on it? My prayers are with out as always as you continue your mission. On occasion I am quite envious of your dedication, I would love to leave all this sorrow and craziness here, but I am far to selfish. I know you must face many challenges there, but how wonderful it has to be to give to someone and they actually be grateful! My oldest daughter says hello, she has taken to reading these post. I love you dearly, peace and blessings, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Jackie--I do purposefully avoid the US news on most occasions and get my updates from freinds back home or from Michael. Like you, I find these kinds of current events far too depressing to seek them out on a daily basis.

I appreciate very much your encouragement and support for what we're doing here. It has been healing for me, but I am coming to terms with understanding that (as I heard a line in a move recently) "time will not "heal" this wound. It will just make the edges more blunt." A missionary friend told me one time that if the path we're on is set ablaze with obstacles and trials, then we're on the right track because the enemy is always trying to thwart what God is doing. I guess I should feel good that I am in the midst of something huge, because the trials have been likewise. And I have been learning and growing, but it's hard sometimes... hard, but worthwhile ultimately.

Hello to your daughter. How nice of her to send greetings. I hope visiting the web boards are helping her to find comfort and understanding... Blessings and Hugs, and Much Love, Claudia

[njd0125]

I have never posted here before, although I found a great deal of comfort in reading this board after my brother Skip passed away in May of 2005. He was 58 y/o when he died, and I walked into his bedroom one morning (he lived with me), and he was gone. I was very depressed and went through a lot of sadness and anger (mostly with God). I went through counseling at Hospice, which helped more than I could begin to tell you. I dealt with my "anger at God" issues by starting to read the Bible and by a lot of conversation with a very dear friend of mine. I gave my heart to the Lord in October of 2006 and that seemed to lift whatever remaining anger I had at God.

I still miss my brother every day. He was my best friend, and we did everything together. I have gotten to a point though where I can think about him without being sad, at least until yesterday. Yesterday was Skip's 60th birthday. I woke up yesterday so sad and could not figure out how I was going to get through the work day. I prayed about it, and the day ended up going pretty well. Last night and early this morning, the flood gates opened. Last year on his birthday, my niece (Skip's daughter) invited me to her house to spend the evening, and I got a really nice "Thinking of You" card from my sister. This year...nothing. I talked to my Dad, but he didn't even mention that it was his birthday. I just laid in bed and cried so hard, like I hadn't cried in a long time. Now I have to go work, and I am totally exhausted. Next month is the two-year anniversary of his death. I just pray that I can get through it with it without having another night like last night. Thanks for letting me vent. I have to get to work now.

God bless you all,

Nora

[4everjoeysmom]

Nora, I'm so sorry you had such a rough night. I'm so sorry for the reason why you had such a rough night. It's hard for us who go on carrying deep love and memories outwardly, and finding that many or most others carry theirs inwradly and it feels too much like everyone is forgetting. Please trust me in saying that NO ONE IS FORGETTING. For some it just feels better to remain in silent rememberance. And for others of us having a good all night cry helps us to find a little bit of relief from the loss of those dear and held so tightly in our hearts. I'm just sorry that you have to be at work today. I hate it when I am exhausted from crying and grieving and then have to be somewhere to function. But apparently you needed that cry, and the Lord was with you, gently holding you as you wept. I imagine He was weeping with you. There is absolutely no doubt that He knows and understands our pain, and He will never leave us to go through it alone. It does my heart good to read from you that you've turned to Him with your life and your heart.

Please come and visit us here as much as you need and would like. We've developed some powerful friendships here, and we journey together through our love and missing our dear ones, and through our journey to continue in love and faith, no matter how hard it gets. We're here to support and encourage one another, cry with one another, and walk this journey together. I'm so glad you came in and introduced yourself. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Blessings & hugs, Claudia

[chiestand]

Nora, My brother died nov. 05, suddenly, after getting lost, he died of hypothermia after being missing for 36 hours. . One of the things i have been blessed with are a group of friends who are good at \'caring\'even though they did not know him as he lived in Montana and i live in Illinos. but i realize i have been very open in letting them know where i am at any given time. In fact, when the anniversary came and went, they all knew it, becasue i talked about it. on his birthday i invited them over to spend the evening with me. I don\'t have a LOT of people who remember, but with this very small group of 4 friends, i always let them know when a hard time is coming. do you have friends you could do that with? someone who will know the second anniversary is coming up? maybe you could tell them ahead of time...ask them to pray for you ... even ask them to do something with you that day (if that is what you\'d want). carol, gordon\'s big sister.

You have us here, but there is nothing better than \"God with skin\" except of course, God himself.

[diane1234]

Nora,

Your post hit home w/ me. My older Brother Harvey passed away right before Thanksgiving '06. I haven't had to experience his Birthday w/out him ,YET. However, Harv's B-day & mine are exactly one week apart in June... which is right around the corner. I think you spent your Brother's B-day how you were supposed to. I'm okay w/ crying & sharing Harvey memories today. I'm sure I will do something special in honor of his first B-day in Heaven w/ out me :-)

I told my husband that I want to go to Florida on Harv's B-day this year. Harv always wanted to see Disney World(he'd been to Disney in Calf. not Florida)and he never got the chance( I told him I'd take him next year..which is too late now).

So I've decided to go to Florida this year.I think I'm going to store the memories of going this time in my spirit . Then I'll tell him about ALL the fun I had in honor of his HAPPY & Carefree spirit; when I see him again in Heaven !! I do this for Harvey & for myself. I need to laugh & have fun again(plus I'll bring my neices w/ us this year).Maybe next year, some of us gals can go in honor of ALL of our Brothers !! Nora,I pray that you find a smile in honor of your Brother's B-day this year :-)

G-d Bless & huggs to All,

Diane

I\'ll paint him an exact picture of it!

[jackiewitter]

Carol

Thank you so much for the email. I am sorry I have not gotten around to replying, I will try and do so tonight. I am very sorry at the loss of your brother. You are right about friends though. That core of friends helps you bear much. I read an article not to long ago saying how people now are so overwhelmed with their lives, they get up and fight traffic to go to work, then fight traffic to get home, don't know their neighbors, don't go to church. Unfortunately it's that way for many people and that's why the feel so isolated. Imagine when a tragedy hits and you have no one to lean on. I have relied so much upon the friends that I made here. Just recently I went through a rough spot for about 1 month, but I continued to come to this site and I am so blessed to have met ladies here who actually lifted me in prayer and contunied to care. I never casually say "I'll be praying for you", because I have seen how it has worked for me. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Nora, I am so very sorry for your loss and that it is still so painful for you. But I understand, I still cry almost daily. The pain of losing my brother is something I have never experienced before. We had lost both our parents in 2001 & 2004, but the pain was nothing like this. If I could get past the "if he were here" moments and move to the "he's better where he is" moments. It's daily that I think of him and things that we would be doing, places we would be going. We went out looking at apartments about 1 month before he died, he was going to move from his Galveston apt. to be closer. At that time we were only about 15 miles apart, but it was across the bridge and he wanted to be closer to his job as well. Now everyday I drive past this one unit that we looked at and all I do is think about what it would be like for him to be living there. We had a wonderful life and I am so selfish to want more. He moved in with us right after our father died, then he and my oldest dauther leased a house together. How nice it was when my oldest daughter moved out on her own to know she was going to be with her uncle and would always be safe!

I wish too, like you,to be able to think of him without the sorrow. You will find here an array of people and how they manuever with new skin. I am amazed by Diane, Claudia and Barb. They seem to have embraced this place they are in and it's like they are more beautiful because of it. I do not feel that yet and I pray for it daily. I feel more like I am in a forest and I am wrapped in a heavy cloak of sorrow. Carol sent me something she wrote about being a new person and like trying on new skin. I have to get to know the new person that I am now and I am not really sure how to begin those steps. Here's to the brother's that were so beloved that our hearts and souls are forever changed without them.

My prayers are with you and I hope that you and I can find some of the comfort that I know God wants us to have. He has provided us hope and that should be our focus, but we are mortal and our hearts are broken, it makes it very hard to stay focused on the Light. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[chiestand]

hi, jackie, i think you just mentioned that you feel selfish for wanting more ... it makes me sad to think you feel selfish. i dont' see it as being selfish. i think it is the place you are. while i am learning to live again, i still wanted more time with my brother and i don't think i will ever get to a place where i say ... it was enough. I can accept that as part of God's plan i didn't have more, but i'll always say if asked, that yes, i wanted more. i think sometimes in grief we are very hard on ourselves and expect a lot more out of us than we need to expect. i think you are a wonderful sister who loved her brother and of course you want more. i \dont' think being thankful for what you had and wishing for more are mutually exclusive.

i am so amazed to have found this message board after all this past year +. I had been on another one, but no one there really seemed to want to discuss faith, or maybe it just wasn't part of who they were. the messages were dark and despairing and without hope. i am grateful for each one of you here. i love to hear how you are workign through your pain, how you lift each other up. God bless us all! carol, gordon's big sister.

[jackiewitter]

Hey Carol,

Thanks again for the kind words. You really hit the nail though, I know personally that I am very hard on myself. I remember several years ago a doctor prescribed my oldest daughter medication for depression and I scoffed at her about how the world had gotten to dependent on medication rather than just sucking up and going on....let me tell you that one has bitten me! She has been very kind about it, never an I told you so kind of daughter, thank God. I guess I expected my parents to die and in a way you just somehow prepare for that through out life, but never could I have thought I would lose Jeffrey. I don't know why, he's human, but I just never had that thought anywhere in my mind....never!

I believe that God led me here. I was so angry and pulling further and further away from Him. Claudia reached out, even though it was her son that she lost, she was looking for information for her surviving son, that's how we connected. She has remained a good and constant source of "goodness". She, Diane and Barb are such pillars of faith and that is exactly what I needed. I had several "moving" events at once, Jeffrey's birthday, packing his apartment, his 6 month death anniversary and the return of his autopsy and investigation all arrived within a weeks time. It was so overwhelming, they prayed me thought it all. Wow, now that I put all the events in writing I can see why I had such a difficult time in Feb and March. I don't know how anyone can go through this without faith. Because I know, we will be together again and that sustains me. When I got married we had one of my favorite scriptures on our napkins and other things, I always associated that with God or my spouse, now I associate it with my family: Ruth 1:16 "for Whither though goest. I will go: and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: "thy people shall be my people and thy God, my God". I miss my people, but I will be with them again and that is my hope. Until I am there, I thank God for people like you who share that faith and know that while this is painful, it is short. "weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"

Peace and blessings. Jackie

[robertssister]

Hello Jackie,

I was just reading everything for the past week and I like the verse you wrote at the bottom. Yesterday was 10 months sinces Robert went to Heaven. My day went well. I just keep thinking how much better he is then me right now. I do need prayer it so hard for me to have my devotions my days are so busy that I keep thinking oh I'll do it later then later comes and goes. I'm so glad that God doesnt just give up on people because we miss reading and praying about him. GOD IS SO GOOD.

Well, I took the Job as management at Mcd's I pray I did the right thing. My parents are coming down Saturday then Thurday the 10th I will be going up to Clark Summit for my Brother Daniels college grad. then I will drive up to NY to go to a mother and daughter dinner up there with my mom and my sisters and sisters in laws. so if I dont get on here for a while its because I'm not in the state. Is anyone on here from PA. I live near York Pa.

I hope everyone has a great day.

In Christian love.

Barb:)

[robertssister]

Hello Everyone!! Oh I thought I was doing good then I was cleaning today and found some pictures of Robert at a wedding he had a Big Smile on his face . I just feel like crying all day. its been awhile since I've cried about Robert I really do miss him. I'm going home next week and It just brings everything back. I know people dont understand that but when your away and you come home its like its June 28th all over again. and I dont know what to say or what to do. I just want things to go back the way it was . When he was here. He was building his new house a LIFE was good. I just want to cry My brother Daniel is getting married and Jennifer Rob wife isnt going to the wedding in ohio she said its to much driving for the week end and she has things shes doing the week before and after. It just hurts me I know Robert would have went NO MATTER what. But as my sister chris always says you dont understand you still have your husband. So I guess I dont but I wish she would go. Robert died on Daniels birthday. last year so I know it would mean alot to Daniel if she would go. I guess I'll just have to keep praying about it. will you all pray with me. Thanks. talk with you all later.

In christian love

Barb

[chiestand]

Barb. In March I was anticipating a trip to Montana to visit with my brother's family. It is the 4th trip I have taken there since he died. the first few times i didn't realize how it would affect me. Now I know....when i go to visit them, the week or so leading up to the visit is full of emotion for me. The last time i was going, a good friend told me he had found that the anticipation is worse than the visit itself. I found that to be true. I do find now, that when I am there, i feel closest to him. It's been almost 1 1/2 years since he died, but now i realize that i will just expect the emotion before going there...and while i am there i feel so close to him.

the part that is scaring me a little now is that he doesn\'t seem as real. I can\'t quite figure out where this fits into the grief journey, but I wish i was closer so I could visit more often. I feel bad for m y parents who have only been there once since he died and they are 80 and dont\' travel much anynmore.

It\'s just all kind of wierd for me now. I havn\'t had so many \"grief storms\" lately and while that feels \"good\" in a way, it feels \"not so good.\" My counselor says it is not surprsing that i dont\' feel \"normal.\" I have never been through this before and this stage does not feel like me.

i dont\' feel like i am making a lot of sense except to people who would understand who have been through this.

How close are you to the anniversary of robert\'s death?

carol

[ohamydear]

Hi all!

Sorry it's been a few days since signing back in. Life as always has just been crazy. I for the most part 99% of the time, am the only caregiver for Claudia and her son. Not much "down time" when Christopehr isn't sick and none when he is.

Anway, I completely understand what Barb is saying about emotions just hitting her about Robert and the whole family dynamics of things. I typically get the "you have never been married, nor do you have children, so you can't understand" speech. From friends I get... "you haven't lived there in years so your emotions won't run as deep as those of other family members. you didn't know your brother as an adult... really"

UGH! Hang in there Barb. I haven't had the 1st trip home since Roberts death so I won't guess at what you are feeling. I will say, regardless of what Jen does for the wedding , that's between her God Daniel... you go and don't let her decision ruin it for you or the rest of the family. Maybe it's just to hard for her to think about being with family during a joyous occasion, especially wiht the connection Dan Rob had, who knows. We just have to let God sort that out.

Perhaps you all culd pray for me... I have been approached regarding writing a couple articles on topics that are very close to home. I want to do this because I enjoy writing but I also know this is going to tap into some emotional issues, I've not had time to deal with.

Thanks for your prayers.

Amy

*Daniels Birthday Roberts Death anniversary.. 6/28

[chiestand]

"you haven't lived there in years so your emotions won't run as deep as those of other family members. you didn't know your brother as an adult.

That is a terrible thing to say, but fact is that when my brother died, i thought i woudl be able to get through this better for the above reason....wow, was i EVER wrong. I believe it actually complicated my grief. I actually feel i know him better now in death then i ever did in life. Sad, but true.

how thankful for each other...we understand. whenyou have friends who say things like that, either they listen to your explanation that is not how it is and they get it, or youjust don't talk to them anymore about it. i guess we all have friends who we thought would be there for us and weren't ... and then those that surprise us! i do know who my real friends are!

[diane1234]

Barb & All,

I empathize w/ your family member not attending a special event& you feeling hurt. Right after Harvey died ,my sister had a Large Event(similar to a wedding) for my neice in Dec.'06. It was a Bat Mitzvah & sooooo many people related to us were acting totally Wacked out(making excuses on why they couldn't attend).I realized the excuses were BS & they were really just afraid to be around any pain or saddness associated w/ death(their own issues,not our issues).Well, let me tell you. They missed out! My sister honored Harvey w/ a lovely special toast & a very touching video about his life. Yes people cried..but we laughed too. It was like his spirit was with us that event.

The people not there..missed out on the Blessing of Remeberance & celebration of a new life's religious journey.We chose Faith over Fear. My family has forgiven those trespasses of last December.

Maybe Jennifer is still afraid . You could pray for her. Fear is a tough place for people. Faith is the prayer she might need right now. Have you considered offering to pick her up for the event? I'll pray for you.

G-d Bless,Diane

[robertssister]

Diane,

Hello! thanks everyone for writing . I live 4 hours away from my family my twinn sister offered to go with her but she thought it was too close to the one year mark and her child is in camp that week and there going to family camp the next week. so she is very busy with the kids which I'm happy for but I just think this is a very happy thing in our lives as a family since Robert passed away on Daniel's B day. I'm NOT trying to bash my sister in law I love her and the kids very much and would do anything for them. I just pray she can make it. Im not trying to be a mean sister in law . Maybe for me it would be a

Peaceful thing in my mind to have us all celeabrate a starting of a new relationship . We have to many sad time lately in our family and friends lives. I really do love Jen my (S I L) I just want the family there thats all.

And I dont understand what she's going through because I still have my family all together. I understand that it just may be to early for her to go to something Like a wedding. I love all my family very much. they mean the world to me. and I wouldnt ever do any thing to hurt them in things I said or did. Thanks for listening . I have a great family and these days that's very hard to find.

In Christian Love,

Barb

[4everjoeysmom]

Amy, I will certainly add you to my prayers. I know the feeling weel to love to write but with that it can sometimes bring more pain to surface. I pray that you are able to meet God's will and compassionate undertsanding for yourself and those affected through your writings. Many times we are able to plant seeds and it's God's amazing power that bears the fruit from our obedience. God bless you and keep you as you continue in faithful service to your dear friend Claudia and her family. Your actions speak volumes of your love and concern. Hugs, Claudia--Joey's Mom

Barb, It is VERY possible that your SIL's excuses are only a surface reaction to deep pain and a knowing that she is not ready to cope with a loving and "together" family event such as Daniel's wedding. I'm sure it has little to do with her love for Daniel and more to do with her coping in her own loss and grief. In a matter like this we have to trust that God will reach her heart, no matter if she attands or not, and that the family can know that even with those we love missing from the big event, we can carry them with us in thought and prayer. All we can do is pray for your SIL and not have our own agendas or expectations for how she may or may not respond. You are such a loving sister and sister in law. I'm sure your SIL will be happy to know you are praying for her and that you will compassionately understand whatever decision she feels is right for her at the time. It will undoubtedly be disappointing to have her be absent from the family at such a time of celebration and shared love, but for her to know she has your love and support despite her decision will asure her that she can make the choice that is best for her without feeling judged or that she let the family down. None of us can be sure what is going on in the heart of another during such a difficult time in one's life and the deep pain of loss. But we can always leave it to the power of prayer and know that God is good all the time. God bless you sister! Love, Claudia

Carol, I, as you, have surely discovered that some people I thought were good enough and strong enough friends to walk with me in the loss of my son have failed me, and others who I never imagine would come to my aid came running to bring me comfort and support. It's a mystery of human nature, isn't it? I try to not be too harsh on those that couldn't handle or were too uncomfortable my pain, thinking its contagious or what have you. They simply, Thank God, don't have the experience or undertanding f what we are going through. I wouldn't wish it on them for them to know. But I do miss the closeness once shared by some that has seemed to go wayward because of my life circumstances. I remember a time when I tried hard to understand that kind of pain in others, and it took something so devastating in my life--losing my son--for me to truly "get it". Within a couple of months of my son's death i was able to reach out compassionately to a very close friend as she lost her very young nephew suddenly to a bacetrial infection. I don;t think i would have been able to understand or reach out in such a deep way had I not known that pain myself. You know that old saying, "it takes one to know one"? Well, I guess in the case of loss and grieving that is so very true. Only one who has walked our path can give the level of compassion and understanding we need to feel in our darkest hours. I guess that's why God came and died on a cross, so He truly could "know" and sympathize with our pain. If "GOD" of all people HAD TO experience physical death in the flesh to sympathize with us, then think how much more difficult it is for a lesser man to understand and be compassionate, especially if they have never known death close to themselves. Kind of puts things in greater perspective for me... btw..I am currently reading "When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy by John Piper and it is wonderful! Wishing you peace and love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Jackie & Diane, Just want to let you sisters know I love you and I miss you. I pray you are both doing well. I know it's an uphill battle, but you both inspire me continually to keep on marching up that hill, even when I stumble and fall down a little ways. There IS joy in the morning, and I'll keep on marching into the lighted path to find it. Even if it takes my whole life here, I know it WILL BE mine eternally. Yeah!! Hugs, Claudia

[diane1234]

Claudia,

Huggs to you too. I always keep you & Jackie in my prayers(now Barb is added to that list too). I Amen that light in the morning too! A new day does bring new promise. I'm celebrating Cinco De Mayo w/ our friends from Ecuador this Saturday. We're going to a restaurant that serves Tapas (little tiny portions of food).She keeps asking me to come visit Quito w/ her (she's going back for a month in June). I told her maybe in the COLD winter I'd think about it! Then we could see Your Beautiful Rainbows :-) Maybe by the winter we can get a group together & all visit you to see your good works! Just a thought.

G-d Bless,

Diane

[teenyweenygenie]

Hello Everyone,

I don't have a sister anymore. We lost her 14 years ago in an auto accident. I'm embarrassed to tell others that I still don't do very well with that loss even after all this time. My sister and I were very close, barely even one year apart in age. I have a tough time getting close to others for fear of sudden loss and am absolutely phobic regarding the prospect of another sudden loss and when it might happen next. This has been going on for 14 years and counseling has not proven helpful at all.

I have problems when my girlfriends share wonderful things about their own sisters and am sometimes deeply saddened while in their company. I am happy for the joy they still share and do my best to hang on to my own memories, happy to be and feel included; however, I still feel cheated and angry more than I think is healthy. When I hear of "sister drama" or sisters not speaking, etc. I feel choked and will often pipe out with something like "Be glad you have a sister because they are precious and ya never know what you had till you lose it." Then I feel terrible and guilty for causing people to pity me or to even imagine such grief.

Even my own mother seems to deal better than I do. She seems very strong and often comforts me. I feel guilty about burdening HER with my grief because she lost a daughter. Being a mother, I feel my loss pales in comparison to hers. She and my aunts live in another state and are very close. When she tells me they all got together and did special things I am happy for her... that she has such great supports but still feel that cheated feeling even then.

I feel ashamed, as if I should have moved on with this better by now. I feel isolated, alone. I very much believe in God and He has been my greatest help but I am stuck somewhere in a wrong way. Is there a name for whatever is wrong with me? I thought I had accepted her death and all the crummy that goes along with such a thing. Maybe I'm all wrong and still not okay. Any suggestions?

Thank you all for hearing me.

~Teeny~