Loss of a Sibling

[katherine42]

Marilyn,

Sometimes I feel like I failed my brother too because i feel responsible for his death sometimes. Sometimes I think that if I wouldn't have chosen that day to go to orientation then I wouldnt have had to take him to his friends house and there wouldn't have been an accident. I had tried to go to an orientation a few months earlier but I wasn't able to go. Sometimes I feel like the whole situation could have been avoided if I didn't go to the orientation and my brother would still be with me. But we have to remember that we can't control some things that happen in life. They just happen. We haven't failed anyone and we aren't responsible for our brothers deaths. Love and Peace to you too...

Katherine

[Guest Guest]

I wish I'd found this site last year. We lost my sister 3 days before her 41st birthday, last year. She died six weeks after my Mum of genetically identical cancer. I miss my Mum but I miss Sarah even more, every day. I stayed with her the last 3 days of her life and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'll be 40 this year, 5 days after my sister's birthday and everyone else wants to celebrate and I want to hide because I want her with me.

I've never understood why she had to suffer the way she did and why she has been taken away from us.

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Evening: I am glad to see the posts. Even before reading them, I know they are strength and encouragement for another day. This board has saved my sanity, it has also been a channel for God to give me things to do of service to my fellow travelers.

Pain is part of life. Some of us seem to have extra helpings but we learn from those extra helpings. Adversity really does build our character and integrity. Not everyone gets a chance to learn and grow. I call them the surface lifers, the ones of us who endure, overcome, and learn from the obstacles in front of us, we are the lucky ones. We know there is a force bigger than us that grants us free will to do as we please. But, that universal spirit is always there to help us but we have to ask. Sometimes, I think my prayer was just, "God please help me, I can't go on." My life immediately got better.

Am I rambling? I am grieveing my little brother. I do not think he could have handled loosing his personhood a piece at a time. Becoming an invalid, I don't think he could have found any quality in that. But, I ask God, to let me use this disease to help other people. He has given me opportunity and I've lived an adventure these past few weeks.

Maybe I have lost rational thought, but I believe nothing happens in God's world by mistake, I just ask to live in His world everyday. Things go better that way.

I may have confused you. I apologize if I have. I really appreciate your support and want you to know that I support you through this process in whatever way works for you. Share it with me, I am open to new methods and ways of looking at things.

love and peace

[sweetpea1995]

Katherine and Marilyn,

There was probably nothing, if anything you could have done to save your brothers. I sometimes feel that I could ahave saved my sister somehow, if I had noticed the signs that now, looking back, are so amazingly obvious (she commented that she wanted to be cremated when she died because she didn't like the idea of being stuck in a box, and she said that when she was in Heaven, she would be able to play sports (she only had one kidney and couldn't play most sports because it was too much of a risk that she would lose the other one) and her friend Rachel, who has 50% hearing loss, would be able to hear perfectly. It all seemed odd for a 9 year-old to say, but she said it. Another reason I feel responsible sometimes is that whenever I saw an ambulance or heard a siren I would spaz, thinking it had to be my sister, but the day she passed I never heard the siren even though I was outside and her school was less than a mile from mine. I don't know what I would have done if I had heard it but something keeps trying to tell me I should have heard it.

Sorry if I'm rambling alot. My point is, you can't change what's already happened, no matter how much you wish you could, and you have to continue on with life otherwise it will continue without you and you'll be left behind. I realized that last July, 9 months after my sister's passing, when I became so much of a mess that I couldn't just put my life on hold anymore and I had to wake up and smell the coffee.

Also, Marilyn, I'm sure you did not take away necessary attention from your brother. I lived most of my life in fear that I would distract my parents when my sister needed them most, so I always acted like nothing was ever wrong with me and, well, she's still gone. Don't beat yourself up over it. It'll get better.

Guest, if you don't feel ready to have a big celebration for your birthday this year, then don't. Explain to everyone that you appreciate them wanting to throw you a party, but you don't really want one. I'm sure they miss your sister as much as you do and will respect your opinion. It takes time to get used to celebrations without a sibling, or anyone we've known for that matter. I still have a very hard time with Christmas (it was Allison's favorite holiday) and Thanksgiving (she passed 3 days before, and next year the anniversary will be on T-Day itself), and it's been a year and a half. When you're ready to celebrate again, that's great, but don't rush it if you don't feel right about it. Of course, you must keep in mind that your sister would want you to be happy, and putting off parties and holidays for the rest of your life doesn't sound like a happy decision. But for the year, or years, that it takes you to get up the spirit to celebrate, it's perfectly fine.

Wow, that was a long post. Sorry everyone, ya'll probably don't want to read all of that.

Merry part,

Jessi

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning, Fellow Travelers: I am progressing through this grief in starts and stops. Somedays, I feel that I have accepted it, but other days, I want to question and bargain for him.

Boundaries have been a big issue with me. First, my diagnosis, then my brother dying. People mean well but fail to understand that my feelings are raw. I need time to adapt.

My counselor has helped me set good boundaries and helped me verbalize them tactfully. I don't want to hurt people's feeelings but I must protect my feelings also.

arm hurting, post late, Love and Peace

[ramtone]

I lost my brother in a car accident on 4/2/06. I just wanted to express to him how much I loved him and how much I miss him. I thought this would be a good place to that. He was a great man who was not only my brother but also my best friend and business partner.He put everyone's feelings above his own.I do not know what I will do without him. He has a 6 year old son who was very close to his father. It makes me sick that I can not do anything to make this better. This pain will not get any better; it will only get worse. He was the one in the family who would bring laughter and joy. We were raised to be strong men and deal with what life throws at you but how can you "move on" without the main person in your life? I am not suicidle but life is will be miserable w/o him. I love you brother and wish we could laugh again together. Tony

[marilynwhite3049]

Ramtone: I am sorry for your lose. My brother died in March so I am a little further away from the shock. Shock, I never thought of it as a good thing until my little brother died. I just couldn't get my mind to accept it. I have progressed.

Today, my sister-in-law visited. She is lost, also. She and my brother bought a house and moved to Oklahoma last summer. We hardly know her. I try to be a good as I can be to her because I can't imagine what her loss must be.

Arm impaired. Praying for all. Love and Peace

[Kelly]

Hello,

We have had requests on the suggestion board for something that people can wear to show they are grieivng. We created a pin and a braclet to let people know that we are remembering the ones we have loved. You can see them at http://www.redjetmedia.com/pins/special.htm. In the future we can make a pin that might say remember my brother or honor my sister. This is the first in the series to see if these items appeal to people in helping them honor the memories of their loved ones.

Kelly

[sweetpea1995]

Ramtone, I am truly sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like my sister was, always there at the right times, and always knowing what to say to make everyone smile. Regardless of the fact that you say you should "be strong men and deal with what life throws at you", I think you should allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to be less strong than you think you should be if it will help to get your feelings out. While right now it may seem like things will only get worse, I assure you that while there are indeed bumps in the road of life, everything happens for a reason. It's scary to think that something good could possibly come from the death of a loved one, but it happens. Because of my sister's death, I was finally able to be diagnosed with a few mental disorders because I know longer felt the need to hold in my problems in order to save my parents the added stress of another sick child. My sister was the main person in my life, as your brother was the main person in yours. I do not believe that the pain ever is completely gone, but given enough time, it will get easier to deal with. Hang in there. Merry part, Jessi

[Taylors Dad]

read me

hi this is chelsy kern i am under my dads name but i was unable to get a username

on july 31, 2002 which was my eighth birthday that was the best birthday ever heres why.

on july 31 it was my birthday and i got everything. well me and my brother shared it it was on i think july 21 i think because mine is on the 31 of july and his is on the 20 of july but he is 3 years older than me.

on that august on the fourth my brother and i were at my aunt amies house and me and taylor were in the pool. then niky comes with a four wheeler and askes taylor to go, of course my dad said yes and then not 5 minutes later we got a call. the call said taylor was hurt but i knew that he was going to be ok and then i had to go with my uncle bill to his house my uncles wife was with my aunt donna and they came home and were crying and said they loved me but i didnt know what was going on and i guess that my mom was coming to get me and didnt want them to tell me that he was gone and i said what do you mean does he have a concusion and they said no he is gone to heaven and i balled and that night i cried until i cried myself to sleep

[Taylors Dad]

ramtone i know how you fell right after a loved one dies it is hard

i want yo to know that it is not easy and you can express everything you need to ok and you can talk to this site because people understand

[Taylors Dad]

is anyone on

[marilynwhite3049]

Hello: To Taylor's dad. I am sorry for your loss. I recently lost my brother and it hurts to lose someone. I am slow responding to your post because I am terminally ill and can not type but for short periods.

I will pray for your peace and courage to get through the loss.

Love apeace

[sweetpea1995]

Chelsy,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. And at such a young age, too. You're about my age, I think. Judging by the date from your 8th birthday, you're 12, turning 13 this year, I believe (please correct me if my math is off)? I'm 14. It's nice to see someone around my own age on these boards. I lost my sister (3 years younger) a little over 18 months ago. We are all here for you. (:

Merry part,

Jessi

[sweetpea1995]

Marilyn,

I've noticed that your posts are getting shorter and shorter because of your arm. While I do understand that you are technically "terminal", I believe that any disease can be fought off if the will to live is strong enough. Don't give up hope. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love,

Jessi

[marilynwhite3049]

Sweetpea: Thank you for the encouragement. I agree with you that attitude is a big part in how the world treats us and how we treat ourselves.

Fortunately, this year my HP has supported me and given me blessings that I never expected or particularly thought I wanted.

Grief hits with (or hit me) such a wallop I think I am still in shock and don't know if I can come to terms with my brothers death. I read somewhere that when an ill person is getting closer to death they begin to dream of people who are dead, grandparents, friends, pets, Have you heard that?

Arm is killing me but muxt go. Love and Peace

[dlgtorres]

Hello everyone my name is Lena and I'm new to this section in the message boards. I usually post in the suicide survivors boards. My brother Larry recently committed suicide this past February and I'm still finding it really hard to cope with his death. There were no signs, no note, nothing! Larry was my only sibling and it really bothers me to know that I will never know what it will be like to be an aunt and my son will not ever have any cousins. He not only took way his future, he took away ours. We all had plans together. Larry was only 19.

[Guest Guest]

Hi Lena,

My brother was 19 also. This was several years ago but I still think about the things you mentioned. Like I try to picture him wearing a suit and going to an office in the morning. Or how he would have been as an adult. Or what type of woman he would have married and how he would have been a wonderful father. I create lives for him in my mind.

I have a half brother and sister, but my brother who died was the only one who shared everything with me. No when I am old I won't have anyone to sit around and tell old stories with. I know just what you mean.

V

[sweetpea1995]

Marilyn,

Actually, I hadn't heard that before. That's really interesting to think about. I know perfectly healthy living people dream of the deceased at times as well, but I have no clue whether or not a terminal person would begin to have more and more as they digressed. Like I said, very interesting.

Grief does hit very hard, and you don't have to come to grips with anything until you're absolutely ready to.

Wishing you help in your journey,

Jessi

[sweetpea1995]

Lena,

Hello and welcome. I'm sorry to hear of your brother's suicide. I lost my sister and I know what it's like to suddenly have no siblings, and to wonder what they would be doing now (my sister was only 9 when she passed, she would be 11 now, and going on to middle school). I'm always imagining her with her friends, being in the annual 5th grade 13 colonies musical, and being so excited at the thought of finally being in middle school with the "big kids".

It's funny to think about that, because while I know it isn't ever going to happen, I still find myself hoping for it at the same time. I guess there's no rule against hoping for what your brain knows isn't possible, but it seems strange in a way that we can do that. I don't know if I'm even making any sense here; I'm sorry if I'm not.

Remember though, while some things have been taken away from you, you will gain new things from this experience, and from every experience you will ever have.

Much love,

Jessi

[dlgtorres]

Jessi and Guest,

Thank you so much for responding to my story. I'm sorry about your sister Jessi. I know I have heard a lot of people tell me that it does not affect you much if you lost a sibling. I dont know how it cant. You grow, play and do lots of things with them. I know that my parents seem to get all the sympathy for the loss of my brother. I feel like saying sometimes HEY!! I helped raise that guy. I took him to school, I made him food, I did his laundry. People seem to forget that you had a part of your brother's or sister's life. I try to be really strong for my parents so that I dont fall apart. My son is the reason why I get up in the mornings. My brother was everything to me. We were extremly close. When I was pregnant with my son and my brother and I would go shopping, people would think that my brother was the father of my son. We used to think it was funny, and gross. (haha) I dont know what to say anymore. I know for the rest of my life I'm going to be confused and always guessing why my brother took his life.

[nicolebrooke]

Sweetpea,

You are so right. We have all gained, but it is so bittersweet isn't it? Oh if we could go back in time. I think about that alot too. If I had 3 wishes.

I think I create a life for my brother so that he might still have one. Like I invent these scenarios... it's hard to put it into words, like you wrote. It's almost like giving him a life. Continuing it for him.

Your sister was so young. I am so sorry.

[nicolebrooke]

Dlgtorres

I really identified when you wrote about the grief siblings feel. Siblings are almost the same person. The same genes, the same experiences. I really felt like I was on the back burner so to speak. I don't think I have ever told that to anyone. Because my poor mother didn't get out of bed for MONTHS. She was totally destroyed in a scary way. It seemed a seflish, self centered feeling. But I did have it and still do.

It's different but I think maybe just as painful.

[sweetpea1995]

Hello everyone,

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel that you've been put on the back burner. No one seems to think the loss of a sibling is as bad as it really is, when in fact psychologists say that the only loss that affects people more is the loss of their child. Everyone seemes to be paying attention to my parents more than me, and while I know they needed it (my dad wouldn't even allow himself to smile for months, he felt horrible about always being at work and not playing with her as much as he could have, and felt like he shouldn't have fun without her), I could have used a helping hand as well. It does seem a bit selfish looking back, but sometimes you just need what you need, regardless of what it seems. At least now we've found this site and have each other for support.

Love to all,

Jessi

[sweetpea1995]

Nicolebrooke,

Yes, knowing that we have actually gained something from the death of a loved one is very bittersweet. I would happily give back all that I have gained to have my sister her though, if only I thought she would be happy. While she loved the world and was truly an amazing little kid, she would be suffering if she were alive. She's better off where she is, where she doesn't have to worry about which moment is her last, and where she can be free.

[sweetpea1995]

Nicolebrooke,

Yes, knowing that we have actually gained something from the death of a loved one is very bittersweet. I would happily give back all that I have gained to have my sister her though, if only I thought she would be happy. While she loved the world and was truly an amazing little kid, she would be suffering if she were alive. She's better off where she is, where she doesn't have to worry about which moment is her last, and where she can be free.

[dlgtorres]

Hello everyone. I have been having a lot of dreams about my brother Larry. They all have something in common. I'm talking to him on the phone and he tells me that hes alive and living on his own again. I dont understand those dreams. Why would I be talking to him on the phone. We would talk on the phone but not for big conversations. We would talk in person alot more. Last night's dream was about me living in this unfamiliar house and my brother called me on my cell and he was telling me that he didnt like living on his own that he was going through drama and that he was not happy. So I told him to come and live with me. He didnt answer me. Then he changed the subject and told me that he was listening to music that we would listen to when we were little. A dream that I had before that was that I was living in our old house and he called me on my cell and he told me that he was not dead and that he was ok. But he wanted to back to his old apartment that he died in. I tried to convince him that it wasnt a good idea and that he should move back in with my parents or me. I dont understand why I'm having those dreams or if they mean anything at all. I have a dream book that I have but I really dont understand a whole lot about what its supposed to mean. If anyone can help it would be great. And have any of you had dreams like that?

[nicolebrooke]

dlgtorres

I have had dreams like that. In one my brother called me on the phone and asked me to meet him at this motel room. And when I got there he was hiding up in a loft and told me he needed my help to escape. And he threw me some keys and I had to go get this car and bring it back for him to leave in. My brother killed himself so I guess my dream is easy enough to figure out. And I actually felt him in my dreams. It wasn't just a body with my brothers face you know? When I woke up I really felt like I had just been visited by him. I had the most amazing feeling. I can't fully explain it. Like my heart was singing, like my most desperate wish had come true.

I don't know if I believe dreams are our own creation or them coming to us. I go back and forth on that. Maybe it is us comforting ourselves. Because I felt so guilty when he died so maybe while sleeping I created a scenario where I knew that what happened was right.

I don't know what I think your dreams mean. It seems like in them you and your brother are trying to find a solution.

[dlgtorres]

Hi Nicolebrooke. Mamabets sent me an email explaning how your dreams work and something called ADC. From what I understood, your loved ones come and visit you anytime or when your sleeping. I was comforted by reading that article. Because I know that my father has told me that while he is awake and at work that his phone will ring and nobody will be on the other end but the call stays connected and he will just stay on the line and hear nothing then the call will end. Well in that article it says that your loved ones are trying to contact you with the phone. In my case my brother tries to contact me in my dreams. The article says that if you want to try to contact your loved ones that you should learn how to mediate and ask for your loved one to send you some kind of message. I know that I ask my brother everyday to help me understand why he took his life. It makes it so much harder because my brother did not leave a note and we all dont know why his life was so hard and painful.

[sweetpea1995]

Hey all,

I'm having some issues. At the school my sister attended, they decided to give an award out in her honor each year to one of the graduating 5th graders. My mom was supposed to have the final say as to who got the award, and she was supposed to present it, as well. Last year, that all happened, but this year no one responded to us to say when it was going to happen, or who had been nominated, or anything. My mom e-mailed the principal a while back, asking if they were still going to do it, and when they were going to discuss the nominees, and she had it all set up to take off work to go, but then everyone stopped replying so she worked today anyways. We thought maybe they'd just done away with the award or something, and while that would suck, well, when life gives you lemons you've got to make lemonade, right? But then today, AFTER the graduation ceremony, we find out that the award actually was presented after-all. Without anyone even remembering to ask us, the family, if we wanted to be there. Or, to give any of us some say in the matter of who got the award. One of Allison's friends got it, and while I love the kid, the award was supposed to go to someone who has had to face a lot of obstacles but tries to make the best of it anyways, becuase thats what Allison always did. There are at least two kids I can think of who have horrible home problems, and yet they always get themselves to school, they always have a smile on their faces, even if they don't know where their next meal is coming from. One of those kids should have gotten the award. Out of the whole school, not one person even thought to remember us. This was the year Allison would have been graduating, too. I really wanted to go, to see the slide show, which has pictures going back to kindergarten, so there would definately be a few of her and her friends through the years, and also to see her friends graduate. It just kills me that they didn't remember us. I dont know why it seems like such a huge deal when it's not as bad as it could have been, but what the hell is wrong with people these days? Ever since my sister died, I've noticed how cruel society is, because they expected my parents and I to move on almost immediately after her death as if it had never happened, and they treated us like we were mentally ill when, 18 months after the fact, we're still upset about it. We don't go around complaining to anyone who will listen, but it's still there and always will be. They don't get that.

I guess I've got to just make lemonade out of the lemons I've been handed today, but it hurts knowing I won't get another chance to see everyone graduate when I wanted to so badly.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my sister Rachel on May 19th suddenly. She was 9 years older then me but we were very close. She just turned 43 11 days before and her daughter had just turned 12 ,13 days before . I spoke to her often she was having problems for about 1 year and a half with asthma that she never had and they had put her on all kinds of medicine prednisone and pills for her blood pressure and for her nerves she was always nervous. She just died in her car when she left work, then I got a call. It has been the hardest thing I ever been through. I guess in all my wildest dreams it was not the way I thought someone close to would die and I would feel like this. I cannot descibe it but it is a painful feeling and as the days go on it is getting easier to deal with but I just have that wanting feeling to talk to her one more time. Just one more time. How do people get through this. I feel like a spoiled kid who wants something at the store and your mom says NO! You still want it and you cry you just want your way.. I don't know how I will get through this without her. I have no dreams of her I do not feel her, WHY!! Why can't I not feel her. Anyone who would like to talk please email me at samlorrie@tds.net I would like to talk to someone abou this so I don't blow up.. Lisa

[nicolebrooke]

Hi Lisa,

I am so sorry. It will eventually be less painful I promise. I lost my brother 6 yrs ago and I remember feeling the same way, just aching to see him again, to talk to him and hug him.

It helped me to talk to him in my mind. At the grocery store I would have a running conversation in my mind going with him, about what we used to eat when we were young... I looked through photo albums with him. I felt closer to him.

We all understand here.

[sweetpea1995]

Lisa,

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. As Nicole said, it does get better as you go. I lost my sister 19 months ago, and I remember exactly what you're saying, just wanting to talk to her one last time, wanting to see her again. I've only had one dream of her since then, and it wasn't a happy one for me, but from what I can tell, I just felt guilty for not playing with her all those times when her friends couldn't come over and we were both stuck at home being bored. All of us here understand what you're going through, and I just want to encourage you to keep talking to us. Things wil get better, I promise.

Merrt part,

Jessi

[Guest Guest]

It is so nice to read these posts and realize that I am not alone in how I have felt and still sometimes feel. My brother was 17 and it was 17 years ago that he died. I get mad sometimes when I think about what his family might have been like- what would he be doing, etc. BUT, on the happy side- sometimes I look at my son- who is now 14 and see so much of my brother in him. It is like a little piece of him is back- and while it is still painful- I am grateful for those little reminders of who he was. Time does help heal wounds- but they can still creep up and hurt. I think that what has helped me most is to realize that his death made me (and my family) reevaluate our own lives and we don't take each other for granted. That is probably one thing that will help anyone- find something to do that will honor your loved one - whether it is a scholarship, a life-change, etc. thanks for listening!!

[DianeS]

Lisa,

I have only posted on this board once, I think, quite a long time ago. I do stop by and read sometimes and when I read your post tonight it reminded me of how I felt when I lost my youngest brother. He was 29 when he died and it has been 17 years now. That seems impossible. He died in an Air Force plane crash in the swamps of Florida. His death is the hardest thing I have ever lived through too. That phone call was the moment in my life where life as we all knew it changed forever. You asked how you get through it. Sometimes it is just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, even if you do not want to. It takes time. I do not think anyone ever gets over it, but in time you learn to live with it. I can remember standing in the shower every morning, crying, wondering if there would ever be a day without tears. Well, that day came and then one day I realized that although there were still tears, there were also times when I could think of my brother and smile, rather than cry. You never stop missing them. I think of my brother every day.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer a few months after my brother's death and we buried her 9 months to the day that we buried him. Although her death was quite fast (less than six weeks from the time of diagnosis), it allowed us time to say what we wanted to say and really use that time we had left with her. That was one lesson we had all learned from my brother's death. When it is so sudden, like your sister's death, everything is left unsaid. It feels so unfinished. Of the two deaths, my brother's was harder than my mom's, even though my mom and I were best friends. Being able to say good-bye and hold her and talk to her while she died allowed us to accept her death and move through the grieving process much more smoothly. Sudden death is so different. I grieved much harder and much longer after my brother's death and I know it is because it was so unexpected. What you are feeling is very normal and although it is hard to hear that it just takes time, it is really the truth. There is no way to hurry through grief.

I would be happy to correspond with you through email if you would like. If you would like to do that, post here and let me know and then I will email you privately. I am always a bit apprehensive about posting my email address on a board.

DianeS

[sweetpea1995]

Lisa,

Yeah, finding someone to honor your loved one really does help. The school my sister attended was also the location where she died, and everyone in the school knew her. In honor of her, the school started an annual award to be given out at the 5th grade graduation each year, the "Allison Hersey Positive Attitude Award", to be given to one graduating student who had overcome large obstacles to get to where they were and, like Allison, spent their extra time being happy to be alive and helping out others rather than focuing on feeling sorry for themselves. It's nice to know that she will never be forgotten, as the award is set to continue being given indefinately. I know that each year, at least one kid is going to ask "Who was this Allison and why is there an award named after her?" and someone will tell her story. Hopefully her life will inspire one of those kids to make a differene, as it inspire alll of us who were left behind. I didn't truly realize how many people she touched in her short life until the funeral. The chapel held 200 in the pews, and there were people on others laps and standing, filling the back of the room, and there were even people who had to stand outside the door becuse there was simply no room for them inside. I didn't know half of these people, and yet they came to pay respect to her. Somehow, it made that day easier, knowing there were several hundred people other than myself who were grieving. Sometimes you forget that others beyond your family have been touched by the same loss, but everytime I think of her, I think of the over-crowded chapel that day and I know I'm not alone in this.

[billysanderssister]

Hi Lena,

My brother was 13. This was 1 yearago but I still think about the things you mentioned. Like I try to picture him wearing a suit and going to an office in the morning. Or how he would have been as an adult. Or what type of woman he would have married and how he would have been a wonderful father. I create lives for him in my mind.

[peter1]

Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Peter

[Guest Guest]

I have recently lost my brother. only happened a month ago and it feels like yesterday. difficult today like every day. i try and loose myself in the internet and it is a sad comfort to read others stories although it is awful that so many of us have to experinece these painful tragedies.

Every day is painful and every morning i wish that i will be opening my eyes to the days before he died. there were difficult times before his death and although i was a good sister in many ways... i think to my faults and feel so much to blame for his pain and his parting. Learning to live with out him is hard and learning to live with the mistakes i made is hard... people say that with time the wounds will heal. i just feel like i dont want to go on... but maybe all of us have a special part to play and I have to go on to fulfil my role.

I have a new life now. I want the old one back, but never again... I am now looking for things to make this new path worthwhile.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my twin brother seven months ago suddenly from a heart attack and it seems like today. My life will never be the same. What was once important and a priority is not any more.

He was a wonderful human being kind, caring and left a wonderful legacy.

I too wish I could talk with him one more time.

I think of him ervey day and my heart aches just as much. Time has a way of healing but the memories will last a lifetime.

[nicolebrooke]

Hi Guest and welcome,

I lost my brother suddenly also and I felt like a part of me died. I can't even imagine how much more you felt that when your twin died. I actually felt like a part of my body and my mind was gone. It has been 6 yrs and just writing that and thinking about it causes such an exquisite pain. Such an ache.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Guest Guest]

Lisa,

I have only posted on this board once, I think, quite a long time ago. I do stop by and read sometimes and when I read your post tonight it reminded me of how I felt when I lost my youngest brother. He was 29 when he died and it has been 17 years now. That seems impossible. He died in an Air Force plane crash in the swamps of Florida. His death is the hardest thing I have ever lived through too. That phone call was the moment in my life where life as we all knew it changed forever. You asked how you get through it. Sometimes it is just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, even if you do not want to. It takes time. I do not think anyone ever gets over it, but in time you learn to live with it. I can remember standing in the shower every morning, crying, wondering if there would ever be a day without tears. Well, that day came and then one day I realized that although there were still tears, there were also times when I could think of my brother and smile, rather than cry. You never stop missing them. I think of my brother every day.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer a few months after my brother's death and we buried her 9 months to the day that we buried him. Although her death was quite fast (less than six weeks from the time of diagnosis), it allowed us time to say what we wanted to say and really use that time we had left with her. That was one lesson we had all learned from my brother's death. When it is so sudden, like your sister's death, everything is left unsaid. It feels so unfinished. Of the two deaths, my brother's was harder than my mom's, even though my mom and I were best friends. Being able to say good-bye and hold her and talk to her while she died allowed us to accept her death and move through the grieving process much more smoothly. Sudden death is so different. I grieved much harder and much longer after my brother's death and I know it is because it was so unexpected. What you are feeling is very normal and although it is hard to hear that it just takes time, it is really the truth. There is no way to hurry through grief.

I would be happy to correspond with you through email if you would like. If you would like to do that, post here and let me know and then I will email you privately. I am always a bit apprehensive about posting my email address on a board.

DianeS

[Guest Guest]

Hi

Loss is the word I will use. My sister passed in 2004. I received a phone call at 1:00am in the morning telling me my sister was gone. My life will never be the same without my sister. She was my mother, my friend, my counselor, my all. With her in my life, nothing else matter. How do one get over the loss. I cry every day because she is not here. I want so bad to have a dream about her, but it never happen.

The sad about her death is that our family felt apart. We were close at one time and now we never talk. My mother, you think we would have gotten closer, we never talk. Do she realize she have another daughter who love her dearly. How do one deal with such a loss?

If someone out there can relate, please write back. My email address is domii1@aol.com. sincerely, hurting

1

[nicolebrooke]

hurting 1,

Hi and welcome. I am so sorry you lost your sister and that you and your mother are not talking like you used to. I think that maybe your mother hasn't been able to get past your sisters death in a way that she could start to live again. And maybe you remind her of your sister.

My brother died 6 yrs ago and for quite awhile when my mother looked at me I could tell she was thinking about my brother and not even really listening to me. And I think that siblings are often 'over looked' when a son or daughter dies and the focus is mostly on the parents.

So maybe after these 2 yrs have past you could talk to your mom about it? I hope things get better for you and your family.

[dlgtorres]

Hello everyone again. I'm sorry that I have not been around. I was thinking about the boards today and thought that I would come and read. I'm sorry to "Guest" that lost your sister and you and your mother do not speak anymore. I know how it feels to be put in the back of everyone's mind when something like this happends. Everyone felt sorry for my parents and wanted to comfort them. But I lost my brother. My only brother.When my brother passed away I really thought that my life would end. We were really close and I seen him the day before he died. My parents are still taking his death really hard. My father mostly. He passed away this Feb. You would think that your mother would want to have you in her life because you are her flesh and blood. I once met this lady that lost her son and she also had a younger daughter. She told me that she forgot about her daughter when her son passed. And one day her daughter just slapped her and told her that she is there, alive and why is she doing this. I guess she finally realized that she was forgetting that she had another child to care for and she snapped out of it. I wish that it would work for everyone. I had felt at one time that my dad did not really realize that I loved my brother and his death did affect me. My dad told me that he had lost a brother before and its nothing like losing a child. Well I have not lost any of my children but I know that I helped raise my brother and he was almost like my own. My life would never be the same without my brother here and I really wish that parents and the out side world would realize that we hurt too.

[Guest Guest]

Hello. I am new to this group, my mother highly recommended it.

I'm desperately seeking another sister that lost her sister to ovarian cancer. I still have another sister & brother but need support from outside the family. I lost my best friend/sister in January & feel very lost w/o her. She was only 30. Just need to talk w/ another sister that has been there & understands what I've been through & will go through. Getting friends saying "Still hurting? or Should you toughen up?". Very difficult. Also, my husband lost a second brother in Feb so we are both going through major grief while trying to raise our 13month old. Any support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Heather

[nicolebrooke]

Hi Heather,

Well I have lost a little brother - 4 yrs younger - and I can relate to what you wrote. I imagine 2 sisters would be alot closer than my brother and I were, 2 best friends right?

And I know your friends are trying to be helpful but nobody understands what it is like until you have been there. Some of the things people say, it's amazing! Like 'it's for the best' or life goes on and you have to go with it.' I just don't know what they are thinking but I know they are trying their best.

We are here for you and understand.

[Guest Guest]

My brother Died July 11th 2006 in a motercycle accident. I am lost. He was 21 and i am 20. I live 1200 miles away from my family and friends and i feel totally alone. We did everything together and i just can't believe it.. I just want to hide but i know i need help. I can't afford counseling so i am going to try this. Anything to be able to talk to someone.

[nicolebrooke]

Hi Guest,

Try and breathe and be calm. I lived in another country and spent about 2 weeks at home when my brother died and then went back to Costa Rica, so I dealt with it all alone also. You can talk to us here and I am on everyday.

I walked around in a fog for months and cried and slept. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. It doesn't matter if people think you are crazy or 'not moving on'. Don't worry about them at all.

And I promise it will get easier.

[Guest Guest]

I recently lost my 48 year-old sister to lung cancer, and I feel so lost. My mom, my other sister, and I spent 6 months taking total care of her, and now I don't know what to do. I am a nurse and I was the person she most depended on to take care of her. Like Heather, I pray every night to dream about her, but if I do, I feel like she is angry at me for not doing more to save her. I put on this face all day, pretending to be okay, but when after my husband and kids are in bed, I sit and cry, and cry, and cry........

My mom, and my sister do not know this. I feel like I have to be strong to get them through this. May was our strength, our center, and know we aren't sure what to do. We are all so much closer than we ever were BEFORE CANCER, but we are lost. I feel alone, too, Heather