Members armaiti Posted June 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 Mishi, your beloved would want you to be happy, and your friend is not being supportive if she does things like send emails like that! Everyone moves at their own timeline, what is right for them. I have a friend who told me when his father died, his mother remarried in six months, and they lived long and happy lives together. It is really an individual thing. I am happy you've found love again. That is very special and rare. It's sad that your friend can't see you are happy and and be happy for you as well!Blessings,Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members airymoon Posted June 18, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 mishiIf you are happy then its not too soon. And if he understands you then all the better. I think one of the things people including us dont understand is that you CAN be in a new relationship and love somebody else and still be in morning over your loss. I have learned to try to not think too much into things and try not to analyze everything although it is hard. I think you should ask yourself 2 questions... Are you happy when you are with him, Do you feel he in any way took advantage of you, And does he support your love of and grief in the loss of you love one because it will always be a part of you. As for me the job hunting is not going well so i keep looking and I am going to go back to school in the fall as a full time student. Hopefull that will give me a few more choices in the long run.Meanwhile Kurts Birthday was monday the 15th the kids and I went bowlig and then to an arcade to celebrate his day. It was funThe 3rd year of his death is tomorow. It makes for a very hard week with his b day and death and fathers day all in one week.becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members eventually Posted June 19, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 Thank you guys so much for listening and understanding. I really don't know what I would do without you..and it's so hard for people to understand where I'm coming from or feeling. I truly am stepping onto new territory here wtih the dating. B was my first love and someone so very special. And even though I don’t compare… I realize even more how luck I was to have him in my life, however short it may have been. April I think you are right, when I really thought about it, yes my best friend may be jealous. I also so think now that she wants me to need her and now that I don’t anymore, she doesn’t know how to react. I think at this point, I’m happy and she can take it or leave it. *shrug* hope all is going well with you….but I really wish she would see where I was coming from. I mean yes she was by my side, but she didn’t go through what I went through. And I can’t get her to see it nor do I want her in my position. And yes I think I am truly happy for one of the first times with Chad. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did and I have gone into this relationship with my eyes open. He so understands what I’m going through. He understands and allows me to grieve plus we have grieved together many times. He even has pictures up of B on the wall. For his birthday I created a painting of when they were kids. And that’s in the living room. If anyone took advantage it would probably have started with me. Cause to be honest I missed a man’s touch etc…..and that’s what he was to me at first a friend with benefits….. but then I got attached to him and his two children…Hell, if proposed to me tomorrow I would probably say yes. Becky you are in my thoughts on the morrow and also next week. (((HUGS))) I will be thinking of each and everyone of you. Take care-Mishi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mishknit Posted June 19, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 becky,every few years tom's bday and father's day were the same day...like this year, on the 21st.ugh....i'm sorry for your hard wek..sending hugs.and mishi...good for you!only you know your heart, and i'm sure your friend will come around.congrats on the new guy..i wish i could say te same!peace, michele Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members airymoon Posted June 19, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 MishknitKurt's birthday and fathers day are usually together in the same week and a lot of times on the same weekend or day. I guess given that it is fitting that he died in the same week too. I realized sometime this week that i havent really let him go. I know that he is gone and i cant have him back but if some one asks if I am married I have to make myself say no. I still think of myself as his wife. At the same time i realize that someone else may come into my life in that aspect. I think if he understands the situation and accepts it, then he would be the one for me. I have dated but it is hard to fit into that again after being married for over 20 years. And it seems that as soon as i see someone for more than one date they are ready for a lifetime commitment and then i stop seeing them because i am not. After being married and doing the dating thing before you would think it would be easier but it really gets more complicated.Today is his 3 year mark and I really miss him. I have decided not to bring it up to the kids if they remember than they do and if not then they had a really good time with his birthday monday. I tried not to think about the date and just concentrate on the good things but it is more of a feeling than an acknowledgement. If i didnt know what date it was today i would still know this was the day he died because i feel it. I am really hoping he comes to me in my dreams tonight because i would love to see him again. I dreamt about him last night but it was not a good dream. He had left and remarried and wouldnt even give me a chance to see him. I know it wasnt a visit just a dream because i didnt feel him i just felt confused. I think it was my subconsciences way of telling me to let my life with him go but still keep his memories.I know a lot of you are close to your "dates" and my thoughts are with you. To all of you going through tough times...You ARE strong and you CAN do this whatever it is. It may not be what you want to do and it will not be easy but you can do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members aprilmoonflower Posted June 20, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 *** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted June 20, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 Becky, hope you are getting through today ok. It's hard to imagine three years...mine will be next month on July 28th. Sending you love and hugs.Blessings,Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rodless Posted June 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 23, 2009 Hard to believe it's been 3 years since we all "met." Rod will be gone 3 years on 7/7. Some days it still seems like a bad dream and he'll be sitting in the recliner when I get home from work. A friend lost her husband Saturday after a battle with cancer and all I could think was thank God I'm this far. Would not want to start this over.Hang in there Becky. We all understand! Anna, hope you're doing ok??Mary Jo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted June 24, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 24, 2009 I know what you mean, Mary Jo. It seems like yesterday...I'm still healing, but getting stronger. I'm 109 pounds or so, still pretty skinny and I need to get some muscle tone back. It will be six weeks on Thursday since my surgery, and I should be clear to do a bit more vigorous exercise then.I'm loving the new hair - I've changed my picture here to a new one I took of me with the new haircut, and that's Sequoyah I'm holding. I'll be starting chemo two weeks from today. And two days ago was the one year anniversary of a friend who died from a very rare form of cancer. I'm planning in participating in the Relay for Life Survivor's Walk on July 24th...and also donating money for a luminaria to be lit in Serena's name. I'm doing my best to stay positive and focus on that I'm healing from cancer, not that I have cancer - because they got everything out in the surgery, and it seems a better way to just stay in the mode of believing all will work out and I'll be fine. Hope everyone is having a peaceful week. It's sunny and warm today and I made a smoothie with fresh strawberries from my garden, and am planning on taking a walk by the river in a bit.Blessings,Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted July 2, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Dr. Phil had a good show on grief today - if you are on the west coast you should try and see it. Anna I am so glad you are doing better.I am back at work and preparing for the 60 mile walk next month. I have raised the money, now I just have to walk the walk. Went to orientation for college that starts in Sept. I have some really tough classes, so we shall see..... I am very excited to get started and they gave me a free tshirt My financial aid will even cover the books, so I am good to go.I hope everyone is doing okay and finding peace. Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rodless Posted July 3, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 Happy 4th everyone. Not the best time of the year for me but I'm trying to stay upbeat. It will be 3 years on July 7...lots of memories of that horrible July 4th week of 2006. Knowing all of you understand is a blessing. Mary Jo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mishknit Posted July 4, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 4, 2009 you know linda....you're really pretty amazing.you need to KNOW that!we gave to meet, hellor high water!xomichele Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mishknit Posted July 4, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 4, 2009 mary jo...of course we understand...and love you.hang inxomichele Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted July 4, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 4, 2009 MJ, my thoughts are with you. It sucks and I thought 3 years ago that we would be past all this - probably we never will. Michele, it will happen this time. Thank you, but I don't know about all that amazing stuff. I just do what I can to make each day count for something. Since my diagnosis, I really feel as if there is no time to waste. Perhaps when I really believe that I am going to live for awhile, I will calm down Peace to you all, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted July 4, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 4, 2009 July is full of memories for me too... It was three years ago today that I danced with Ishaq for the last time. We went to a music festival by the river to hear Asleep at the Wheel. I loved dancing with him. When we slow danced, he was so tall he could rest his chin on the top of my head. I'm getting ready to start chemo on Wednesday. I'm starting to feel much healthier, now that it's been six weeks since the surgery. I'm also feeling like making major changes in my house - I'm selling off all my oriental rugs to friends, and clearing out the clutter...I want to make the place more roomy and open. I feel like getting rid of everything pretty much and starting over...not easily done unless I sell stuff since I don't have much money! It is hot, hot, hot here! I have my little backyard pool set up and a friend and I visiting yesterday just sitting in it and sipping ice tea and iced coffee to stay cool. I'm thinking of you all as we all as we come to our 3 year marks... I'm so glad I met you all, you have made this so much easier...Love and BlessingsAnna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members laquinn Posted July 8, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 This July 4th brought back the last few months that I had with Randy and remembering how he was that day. He was not feeling very good and we were watching our middle grandson who was also sick that day. We went to the fireworks in the neighboring town, Blake was really sick and Randy got on the phone and yelled at our son and daughter in law to come and get him he never did that so when we got home I knew that he was really sick also that night. It just makes me remember all the things that led upto the day he passed and I think if only there had been more that I could have done.I am no longer working the place I worked at closed the end of June so now I jsut sit home my mind just keeps racing back to the past. I can't sleep I went to bed around 11 tonight and I am still awake. If only my mind would turn off. I just keep remembering everything. I hope everyine else is doing ok and I will keep you all in my prayers.Lela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted July 15, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 Wow, it's been quiet on here...I had my first chemo treatment last Wednesday. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but my oncologist had to have surgery on the same day and I only found out the day before, so I had to see a different doctor, one I didn't really like. My oncologist is really open to alternative treatments and not so drug-pro...he had told me I wouldn't get sick, and this one prescribed me anti-nausea medicine that ended up giving me side effects that made me really uncomfortable. My doctor is supposed to back by the time I have my next visit/treatment, so I'll be able to talk to him and get some better ideas about what to do. I was pretty tired and had some yucky stuff happen over the weekend from the drugs, but today I'm feeling a lot better. I actually got out and did a good long walk on the bike path by the river, then came home and lifted some weights (light ones, I'm still easing in). So it looks like one week down time, two weeks good time in between. July 28 will be three years since Ishaq passed. It seems amazing to me that it has been that long. I still talk to him every day, and not a day goes by that I don't tell him I love him out loud. Hope everyone is doing ok.Love and Blessings,Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted July 16, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 Hi Anna, Was the nausea drug part of the chemo treatment? I had 5 bags every 3 weeks and one of those bags was anti-nausea drugs. They also gave me nausea pills to take by mouth, but I never took them because I was never nauseated. Are they giving you a shot the day after chemo called Neulasta? That was the only thing that made me sick - it gave me flu like symptoms. For me, the first chemo was the hardest and it was much easier after that. You are doing well and I think you will continue to do very well. As you know, attitude is 90% and you have a really great outlook.Terry has been gone 3 1/2 years. It is easier to deal with now, but I still miss him every day. Glad you are doing so well. Keep it up xoxox Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted July 16, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 I had anti-nausea with the drip, but no shots, but then they gave me a prescription for these pills called Comadan and were really forceful about "just take one with breakfast and one with dinner", even though I said I'd rather wait and see if I needed them. Having a different doctor sucked, because he just wasn't on the same page with alternatives like mine. And I had to take over the counter laxatives on Saturday to deal with the side events of the anti-nausea pills and THOSE are what made me so sick. I'm only 108 pounds now, and they were just too strong. I don't want to take those pills next time, there's lots of tinctures and ginger tea and stuff I can do to offset feeling nausea, and I might not. What chemo drugs did you have? I'm having Taxol and Carboplatin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted July 16, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 It wasn't those, but I don't remember anymore - I can find out though. I was told I would lose weight, but no luck with that. I used to joke with my oncologist that the only part of cancer that was good was the weight loss and I didn't even get that - she never really understood my sense of humor.... They told me to take the pills if necessary, it never was. It will be better when your doctor is back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members airymoon Posted July 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 anna sounds like you have a good attitude about everything. Good for you. I have decided to TRY to go off my anti depressants. I cant afford them and I have been feeling kind of zombie like lately. If any of you can recommend an herbal remedy for depression and mood swings i would appreciate it. A couple of people have told me to try SAM-E. I would like some other ideas too. We will see how this goes I tried once before but couldnt deal with the mood swings and anger so far so good this time though. No luck so far on the job hunting but I have made an appointment with the college to see what classes I need to take to further my degree.It's been quiet on here lately. To all of you going through or near your three year mark My thoughts are with you. Stay strongbecky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted July 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 I used St. John's Wort in tincture and in tea after Ishaq's passing. I've also used the SAM-E, but I didn't stick with it very long (I'm horrible at remembering to take pills, something I have had to overcome with the chemo and all!). April wrote an article about SAM-e, the link is here:http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/325838/same_a_promising_supplement_for_depression.html?cat=68Hope these ideas help, and hope you are able to go off the drugs! Blessings,Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted July 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Becky, Can you get in the no worker left behind program? They will pay for 2 years of school. Best of luck with the job and the pills. Keep us posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members aprilmoonflower Posted July 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 *** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members missque Posted July 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Hello my lovely ladies!!I haven't been on the boards in quite some time but i had a question for you all out there....Recently I've been feeling like I wanna 'move on' and meet people I went to hang out with a guy friend last weekend (i had feelings for him but no longer do... probably because our get together was booooooring lol- thought it would be more fun lol) I felt like I could move on like i was ready for it but at the same time i feel like im not ready.. i have days where im okay with jeremy being gone.. i mean ill never be totally okay, but im okay with the situation (anyways i know u guys know what i mean lol) but then i have my days where i really miss him and i dont feel like i can move on...even the night before i left to go to my guy friends house i had this draem about jeremy and how he was gone for a while but came back-- which makes this whole thing even more confusing for mehave any of you been in this situation before? im feeling torn betwene moving on and missing jeremy....and i know ill always miss him but i also wanna feel alright with moving on without himhope you are all doing well! lots of love! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted July 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 You know, I had a little brain blast the other day that goes along with your post...I've been getting a lot of "male" attention since I cut my hair and lost 25 pounds from the surgery/cancer stuff...it occurred to me that I could actually go on dates without having to make any kind of commitment...just to meet some guys to have fun with would be nice. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it would be nice to have someone to go to dinner or dancing or to a movie with - or watch football with, since I'm one of those rare women who actually likes it. As my friend whose girlfriend died two years ago told me "You are the one driving the bus." Plus, besides not really wanting another relationship other than Ishaq, I wouldn't want to get into one anyway now with going through chemo and all...So maybe you could just date and have fun? Find some guys to take you out and pamper you and just see how it feels to do that. As for me, my chemo gave me a Brazilian wax without the wax in the shower this morning! I'm making tee shirt turbans and getting ready to shave my head - the hair is coming out in small clumps, but it doesn't look bald in places - yet. I was hoping to make it through Ishaq's anniversary next Tuesday but I'm beginning to think that's not going to happen! I have my wigs and hats and scarves, I am quite ready to do the decorate the head deal. Hope all are doing well. Dorothy, where are hiding, girl? You hit the big bucks and buy an island or something?Blessings,Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members missque Posted July 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 thanks for your thoughts on things... i do have a lot of guy friends- university will do that to ya lol... but maybe just hanging out with one wont hurt= i guess in my mind im thinking long term - seeing as im still 'young' i have to have that thought of marriage at some point and i guess whenever i meet a new guy i jump to that thought right away....as for the wax- i had my first REAL bikini wax a few weeks ago OMG i wanted to die a little it hurt so much and the brusing the next day that lasted almost a week lol - not sure if ill ever do it again but it was an interesting first time lol.... i know a girl who shaved her head before all her hair came out because she said that way she felt in control...side note: I went to see my Ob/gyn today about my endometriosis and we went over some different options and treatments (i've already had one operation for it). Theres a needle that I could go on for 6 months and it would trick my body into thinking i was going into menopause (everything from the sweats, mood swings- typical meno) the idea is that when you go through menopause you actually burn off all endometriosis (just cuz the doc. finds and burns off some there can still be microscopic stuff he cant see causing pain). So you go through fake meno and then 6 months later go off the shot back to having a period and its supposed to make it better (wont always but thats typical with any treatment). well this lovely shot is 400$ a month for 6 months! why are things like this so expensive when they are supposed to be made to help people? Since I've now graduated im off my step dads drug plan so im gonna have to wait it out until i get a teaching job and therefore get a drug plan. Its just frustrating, I know I live in Ontario which means i have the universal health plan but sadly it doesnt cover medication. Why bother making medication when it can't even be afford by the people who need it the most? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted July 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Anna, sounds like you are going through pretty much the same thing I did. If you don't keep a journal, you should. Chemo seems to dull some of the memories - they call it chemo brain. I had arranged to have mine shaved, but it was falling out too fast and cutting it right next to the scalp worked just as well and left me in control. Keep going, you are doing fine!!!! Missy, Any chance you could get some help from the company that makes it if you write them about your situation? Why doesn't your healthcare cover meds? I though it covered everything.As you probably know, I started seeing Jim only a year after Terry died. It has been very up and down and I know now that I just wasn't ready for a relationship. However, that relationship gave me a reason to get out of bed and it gave me a smile - so it was still a good thing. Now that both of us have gone through cancer and he now lives a long way away, our relationship has evolved into something that sustains me every day. I still have bad days when I miss Terry so much that I can't stand it, but they are fewer as time passes. I was lucky because after Katrina, we met friend that had lost her husband a couple of years earlier and she was still grieving. Terry said that if that happened to me, I should give it a couple of weeks and move on. Both of us thought she needed psychiatric help - we didn't have a clue. We had a long discussion about it and he saw no reason to "waste" a single day being sad over someone that was "dead and gone" - his words not mine. I know now that he would have had as tough a time as I have had, but it also gave me freedom to move on as soon as I did. Life is short, we are wiser for all we have been through and the best is yet to be.xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members missque Posted July 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 thanks for your thoughts!Our Ontario Health Plan stuff covers doctors and hospitals treatments etc. it doesnt cover things like seeing the eye doctor/getting glasses (though it used to and they changed it) chiro/massages the dentest and dental work and drugs --- most ppl in ontario get coverage through their work for these things to some extent (benefit plans) however because im no longer a student i no longer have coverage under my step dad or University so im kickin it till i get a job (teachers have some of the best beni's out there) so i have to pay and then save the recepts for when i do my taxs and i can clame it... we have another course of plan until i can afford it- and until next year rolls around when i can go back under (endo always grows back BOO!) pretty much i will be taking my birth control (which is one of the highest u can be on) every day (never taking a week off for my period) unles i want to (HAHA YA RIGHT!) that is the plan until i decide to have kids and then after that we get to re-asses the situation (having kids can actually help it)... its all i can do and im not 100% sure i'd want the expensive needle anyways ---- i'd have to put a lot of thought into it - not sure im ready to go through meno twice in my life lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rodless Posted July 24, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 I think we all will move on although the timing will be different for each one of us. None of our guys would want us to be stalled or struck. They would want us to live as happily as we can. Doesn't mean we don't love them or miss them terribly. I would go out if comeone asked or the right opportunity came up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted July 27, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of Ishaq's passing. I had boxed up the sheets we had been sleeping on and they have been in the closet for three years...I'm going to take them down and wash them and use them again. I couldn't bring myself to do this until now, but it feels like the right time. We will be gathering tomorrow night to celebrate Ishaq's life, as is the tradition on our Sufi path. I had a dream last night that Ishaq came and helped lead this! It was lovely to be with him again.It is really hot here, up in the high 90s and supposed to be 102 tomorrow! I'm wetting my wigs down and then putting them back on my head. Works good since they are synthetic. I shaved my head on Sunday, tired of the hair falling out all over the place, and it feels better to have the wigs on without the extra hair while it is so hot.Hope everyone is doing good,Blessings,Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mishknit Posted July 28, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 anna....hope your day is good, thinking about you.i was thinking about the sheet...i did something different.i slept on the same sheets forever....i mean, it had to have been 6 months, at least, before i washed them!it makes me laugh now....moving forward is hard but necessary....hugspeace,michele Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted July 30, 2009 Members Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 We had a lovely evening celebrating Ishaq's third anniversary, even though it was 106 degrees here - a record! Fifteen or so brave souls came and I played recordings of his zikrs (spiritual music/chants) we sang along with, and a recording of him telling a story. It was really nice.I had my second chemo treatment yesterday and I'm feeling really good today. I'm seeing my Reiki practitioner now on the day after the sessions, to help clear out the negative energy that can cause the side effects. My doctor is really happy with how I'm doing, I've got seven great wigs now, and I feel really positive about the present and the future. I still miss Ishaq all the time, but it's becoming a part of me that is as familiar as my own bones, and it doesn't hurt so sharply anymore...plus, he visits me so often, and I feel him near me a lot, that it doesn't feel that he is so terribly far away.I wrote this poem for him on the third anniversary of his passing:You live in the waters still...The current as it flows by is like the yearssince your passingI watch the memories as they flow through my mindbringing me joyful remembrancesof those days of love and partnershipAnd still, I feel you here with meAs I struggle through this earthly existencedoing the best I canWhile you soar as the wild goose, hawk or eaglewatching down over meEyes wiseand full of compassion.Love and Blessings,Anna Armaiti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members butterflyspirit Posted August 3, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 My husband died one month ago, and he left me w/ a 4 month old son (my first and only child). He is my eternal love & soulmate. I still speak of my husband in the present, at times, because I feel that he is still with me. Although, he is in a different form, I often feel that he is by my side. I even tell my closest friends and family that he and I will be spending the day together. Logically, I know how strange this must sound, but my spiritual mind sees signs of my love all of the time. It's difficult to describe w/out sounding a little "out there". Anyway, love is eternal and never fades. Two souls that combine become one, and they are incapable of separation, despite physical distance. I wish you love and peace. I related to your blog and poem. I wish you well on your journey here!Stacey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members butterflyspirit Posted August 3, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 I sooo relate to your blog. I have bypassed much of the grief process b/c I feel my husband at my side always. I dont cry often b/c I dont believe that he and I are truly separated. I will not ever let go, he and I swore that we would always be together forever and we will. I physically lost my husband 1 month ago. He left me w/ a 4 month old son (my first and only child). My husband is my eternal love & soulmate. I still speak of my husband in the present because I feel that he is still with me. Although, he is in a different form, I often feel that he is by my side. I even tell my closest friends and family that he and I will be spending the day together. I look forward to being "alone" so that I can tap into his presence. Logically, I know how strange this must sound, but my spiritual mind sees signs of my love all of the time. It's difficult to describe w/out sounding a little "out there". Anyway, love is eternal and never fades. Two souls that combine become one, and they are incapable of separation, despite physical distance. I also want to visit a medium, I do beleive that some poeple are capable of tapping into the energy of spirits. I also believe that "death" is a type of birth into a freer, limitless space. I wish you love and peace on your journey here!Stacey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members airymoon Posted August 3, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 missyI had endo removed in 1991 it was lasered off and has not come back as yet although i am now starting to experience some of the symptoms. I did not take birth control or any meds to keep it away. The up side is that now if it comes back I will just have a hysterectomy. I am not having anymore kids anyway. Funny thing I am anemic now. I never used to be but the doc thinks its because my periods are so heavy and long. The procedure to fix that costs about 6000 and i have no ins. The alternative is to go on birth control pills to stop my periods and they give me headaches. I was married for 21 years and NOW i go on bc when I am not married.Ok I am hoping for some advice and Im hoping you dont think im crazy.I have been seeing someone off and on for a couple years. Like linda i wasnt really ready to date when i started but it was a distraction and took me out of the chaos for a while. Most of you know about him. ive written on here before. The off and on is because he was getting divorced then reconciled then split then i ended it and he went back to her and then he ended it after only a few weeks because he found out i had a date and he couldnt stand the thought that he could posibly lose me for good. I know i should run but something keeps pulling me back. I think we have a connection and most of the time we are good together. In order for us to start dating the last time I asked for him to only have contact with his ex wife when it involved their daughter and that he didnt keep her a part of our lives outside of the fact of his daughter. I agree that birthdays and special events we should all be able to get along for a few hours for his kid but there is no reason to call or email other than that. He agreed and she has told me that she almost hates him now. She told me this while she was trying to make sure i didnt go back to him after they broke up. She is taking his daughter to fl for a week tomorow. He has her for the weekend and will give her back to her mom in the morning and then he is meeting them at the airport to see them off. I know he will be upset so I offered to go with him and wait in his car so it didnt upset her mother (although i feel that is ridiculous) He said no then I found out (dont ask how) that he emailed her to tell her to have a great vacation and to take care of his little girl and that he had a toy to give her in the a m. The thing that is bothering me is that 1 why email her when he is going to see her and could just give her the toy instead of telling her he will see her before she even reads the email. and 2 He promised he wouldnt make contact like that and 3 he didnt tell me about it i found out. The thing that makes all this worse is that he asked me to marry him and gave me a ring. I agreed to let him move in when the divorce is final and see how it goes from there. I dont know if I am just over reacting or if my instincts are jumping up and down trying to get me to listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted August 3, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 Becky, Only you know what you feel and what you should do. The only thing that I will say is that without trust there is nothing. If you can't trust him now, how will it be in 5 or 10 years? That being said, only you know what you should do and I really hope that whatever you choose you will be happy. xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members airymoon Posted August 3, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 I just want to be sure Im not running away because im scared because he is not kurt or running to him because i am scared to be alone. I do tend to everanalyze things and maybe that is what i am doing I dont kow I think Ill stop thinking about it for a while. I would just like some good things to come my way for just a little bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted August 4, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 My situation isn't ideal either. Jim lives in CA and I live in MI - it will be that way for at least 3 more years. I think he would move back, but his mom isn't well and his sister is dying of dementia (she is in her 50s and was a school teacher until 2005). I will be able to make one more trip out to see him in Sept. before school starts, but that will be it until next summer. I can't even imagine how difficult it will be to not see him for almost a year, but it is what it is. I am open to other relationships, but I haven't been attracted to anyone else. I am willing to wait, but I feel as if life is passing me by and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, so I stay very busy!!! I am doing a high school reunion this weekend - tour of the school, reunion and picnic. The 60 mile walk is next weekend and the day after the walk, I have my surgery to take out the chemo port. I go to CA in Sept. and come back in time to start school on the 28th of Sept. I don't have time to think about it and that works for me. I don't know why I am so attracted to him. Perhaps it is all part of the grief thing for me also, but I knew him in high school and I have always been drawn to him. Best of luck to you - this living stuff is harder without our guys, but they would want us to be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members airymoon Posted August 4, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Linda I admire you so much you are a real inspiration. So much of my life feels like it is constant chaos. I wish you the best of luck with Jim and all your endeavors. Maybe our situations aren't ideal but they are what they are i guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted August 4, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Somehow you have to find a way to make order out of the chaos - easier said then done. Do something about what you can and make the best of what you can't - also easier said than done. I have said it many times, but my best advice is live in the moment. Don't think about the past or dwell on the future. Try to enjoy every task as you do it and don't let your mind wander. We tend to multi-task and not pay attention to what we are doing right now. Not sure if this will help you, but it helps me. xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members eventually Posted August 4, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Two years today. I was hoping it would get easier, which in some wasys it is. But in other wasy soooooo much worse....sigh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted August 5, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 For me, it is 4 years since Katrina this month and in January it will be 4 years since Terry died. I think that this is as easy as it is gonna get and I still have some really bad days. My sister's first husband died 11 years ago and she still has some tough times, so I guess it is what it is. The best thing for me is to stay really busy - less time to think. I hope you find some peace today.... Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members aurora Posted August 21, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Hang in there Linda and Armaiti! Next month on September 11 I will hit 8 years clean from breast cancer. All I went through is now a vague memory. Best of luck to you both! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted August 21, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Wow, Aurora that's great!I'm halfway done with chemo, only three more treatments to go! I was a bit anemic this time, probably from being away at our weeklong Sufi Camp and getting tired out, so I had to have two units of blood on Tuesday. Then chemo Wednesday, and the booster shot for the white cells on Thursday. I'm getting a massage from a friend today, which will be a nice change!They told me my tumor marker was down to 16, which is really good. And I'm still tolerating all the chemo pretty well without it making me sick. I just know now that I have to rest more to avoid the anemia, and eat more red meat and dark leafy greens. But I'm in the home stretch, and my oncologist told me he thought I was doing "fantastic" quote!On a very sad note, two of our very dear friends lost their son to an overdose last Sunday. He was just around thirty, the age of Ishaq's oldest son, and his step-dad was one of Ishaq's closest friends. It is so very sad. He grew up at the Sufi Camps we went to and a lot of the other kids knew him well and are taking this really hard. I know Ishaq will guide him on his path on the other side...Blessings,Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members aurora Posted August 21, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Armaiti, it sounds like you are "sailing" through your treatments. Being able to see the end is a real thing to celebrate! It sounds like you are taking very good care of yourself. There is a forumforsuicidesurvivors.com. It is only for suicide survivors. There are a lot of moms that have lost their sons on there. Perhaps she could find some comfort there. It was started by a grief therapist. Suicide is so tragic in so many ways. It is a very difficult thing to go through without lots of help. I am so sorry to hear of another loss like that:(. Take care! Soon you will be out doing the relays and walks and collecting tee shirts:).~A Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members armaiti Posted August 21, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Actually, it wasn't a suicide, it was an accidental overdose. I guess he'd been living a rough lifestyle for a while. They have a great support network of friends in the spiritual community, and the step dad actually is a phychologist...doesn't make it any easier to lose a child though...When this is all done I do want to become an advocate for women with gynecological cancers. I'm finding that there are a lot fewer grants or monies for this type of cancer than for other cancers, and it's becoming more and more prevalent. But I also know a lot of survivors who are still doing really well, and that's a great and positive thing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members aurora Posted August 21, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 You go girl! You're right, there is not much publicity for gynecological cancers as other cancers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members airymoon Posted August 25, 2009 Members Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 YESTERDAY WAS MINE AND KURT'S 24 WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. iT'S BEEN THREE YEARS AND I STILL MISS HIM AS MUCH AS I DID THREE YEARS AGO. i REALIZED SOMETHING TODAY THAT IS IN ONE WAY COMFORTING AND IN ANOTHER FRUSTRATING. i REALIZED I CAN LOVE SOMEONE ELSE AND BE COMFORTABLE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE BUT I WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER BE HIS WIFE. I CANNOT SEE ME MARRIED TO ANYONE ELSE. Has anyone heard from Dorothy? Where are you let us know that you are ok. I have some exciting news. the ymca in my area has started zumba classes. I was excited to see that and of course thought of you right away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lindat Posted September 6, 2009 Members Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 Hope everyone is doing okay! I am in CA visiting with my daughter for a couple of days - will be here until the end of the month. Start college on Sept. 28th - yippeee!! I still miss Terry every day, but moving on steadily and he would be proud of me. Had surgery to remove the chemo port two weeks ago tomorrow - I was soooo ready for that! Life is finally peaceful for me and I feel wonderful for the first time in many years. You guys got me through, we got each other through and the future is now. xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now