I Miss Him So...

[missyouhoney811]

Linda, you go girl..........wish I was near you I would also do the walk.

Went to Zumba at 7 PM last night.  I am ready to  hit the road for the 9 AM Class.  I plan on doing the 7 PM Class tonight.  I can't get enough of it.  That is a good thing.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[lindat]

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/MichiganEvent?px=1800503&pg=personal&fr_id=1296&et=IPhHPnQUna7AEFk1Ct7MMg..&s_tafId=84916

Here is the link to my page.

[beverlynalabama]

I am really not sure where to post. I see thread has a lot of activity.

I have been reading some of the posts and already do not feel so alone. I lost my husband, the love of my life, September 10, 2008. To say it has been difficult is putting it mildly as I know everyone here realizes.

I guess what brought me here to reach out today is that I feel as though I am stuck in my grief. My friends and family seem to have the attitude that it has been awhile since the death and life goes on. I am not talking to them about how I am feeling.

I am 53 years old and in nursing school. I struggle to listen in class and when I am home it is so difficult to study. I am now on spring break and have two huge exams waiting for me when school resumes but I can't seem to study. I cleaned out another part of our closet we shared today and washed some clothes. I sit for hours when I am home and play solitaire on the computer. We were together for 20 years and his passing was shocking. We had just spent a wonderful weekend together.

I think I just need to vent or talk with people that understand.

[aprilmoonflower]

Beverly- you are definitely in the right place. We all understand completely how hard those first months are. I just have to say you need to grieve on YOUR terms and not on friends or family members time table. What you are going through is totally NORMAL!! They might mean or have ideas on what grief looks like but the fact is it's different for every person. Also, they likely have no clue as to how reality is after you lose your spouse. Do what YOU need to do to get through this. There will come a time when you actually feel like life is worth living again. Not saying you are not living mind you, I am just saying life has room for grief and society doesn't really accept that (especially after the one year mark). You can always come here and write as much as you want (about whatever you are feeling) cause we get it!!!

[armaiti]

Dear Beverly,

First, I'm so sorry for your loss   And it really HASN'T been very long for you - your family truly has no idea what you are going through.  Unless you've been through it, you have no idea.  It's been over 2 1/2 years for me and I still miss my beloved Ishaq as much as I did in the beginning.

You need to experience grief in your own way, your own time.  I remember those first months, how I could hardly function sometimes.  My spiritual teachers told me to try not to make any big changes for one full year, one full walk around the sun.  I kept Ishaq's clothes in our closet for most of that year - I still have his clothes and pass some on to friends and family occasionally but I have no intention of giving them away or anything.  I have what I call my "ancestor altar" and have his ashes, a box with a lock of his hair, and his picture, among other items.  I talk to him all the time, and he comes to me in dreams still after all this time. 

I don't believe that we have to "move on" or "get over it".  Our beloveds were and are part of our lives.  In some native traditions, your partner is your "half-side" - the two of you make a whole and when half of that is gone, there's a big empty space.  That's how I feel a lot of the time.

It does get easier to bear as time goes on.  Finding others who have been there and understand really helps - the women on this message board have been a great help and comfort to me. 

Be gentle to yourself, and just take "baby steps"  - one minute, one second at a time.  Try to get enough rest, and eat enough - I know it's hard, but it's worse if you get sick and you are alone.  (been there done that).  Keep posting here, it really helps.

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[lindat]

Hi Beverly,   I totally get how you are feeling.   My Terry and I had been together 21 years and we had just spent a wonderful weekend together.  We will never get over the shock - it dulls a bit, but never goes away.   My Terry died in Jan. 2006 while we were evacuated because of Katrina.   Most everything we had was gone and what was left - I gave most of it to his family.   I have tried so hard to move on, but even now it slaps you upside the head and suddenly it is back.   Friends do not understand, family members do not understand.  You have to lose your best friend in the world to ever understand what it means.  I am sorry for your loss and I hope you find some peace.

Linda

[beverlynalabama]

Thank you for all of your thoughts and sharing. I have a question.

Our 17 year old son is going to start Hospice counseling the 24th of this month. They call the place "The Caring Place". As much pain as I feel I cannot imagine what it is like for him.

While he is in his session they have a session for those that have lost a mate. I can't picture myself there. I don't understand what they do. I guess what I am trying to say is that I think I would feel worse than I do now. I can see why coming here and being able to write and read helps. Maybe I am just scared. How does meeting with a group and bringing up all the pain help?

[aprilmoonflower]

Beverly- you might get to a point where you feel like you need a support group. some people process things better by being able to talk about it with a group,  some write about it and like the message board, someone else might feel better using a therapist,etc. you just have to find what works for you. these things also change and ebb and flow as the process goes on. Just follow your heart and do what feels right. If that is coming here than ;)so be it! For your son it might help for him to hear perspectives of people his age or those going through it besides his mom. (outside perspective sometimes changes how we process things) it really just depends on the person and where you are in this journey.

[beverlynalabama]

OK, thank you.

What you wrote makes perfect sense. Yes, our son needed others his age that are going through the loss.

I am going to wait and see how I feel day to day and sometimes minute to minute. I know this deep depression will lessen once school starts back making me think that I haven't had time to grieve because of school.

Did ya'll find the need to make new friends? Maybe those that are single instead of married? Sheesh this is difficult.

[lindat]

I think that being around married friends sometimes made me feel like a 3rd wheel and also seemed to make it more real that Terry was not with me.   Especially the friends that are really close and tease each other a lot, that was really hard.    Most of the time, I just wasn't happy no matter who I was with.   You are new in the journey yet,  be patient with yourself.

[kathy714]

HI Bev,sept has not been that long....I loss my husband john last jan 2008.We were married 28 years.I am so depressed most days i can bearly function..Ijust want to sit on the couch all day watch tv and forget there is a world out side.People don't call much ,I Think they are afraid depression my be catchy....And honestly it took a while before i felt like this,At first everyone couldn't believe how well i was coping....Grief is something that everyone goes through differently and no one should tell you how you should be feeling....GOD BLESS,TAKE CARE....Kathy

[aprilmoonflower]

Beverly- yes it might definitely help your son! some folks on here have been involved in the hospice support groups and find them very helpful.

as for whether you need new friends or not. I guess that will be up to your friends and how strong your relationships are! hang in there! Some people just don't "get" it. Other times you might just become closer with those you never though could support you. It's a crapshoot! I definitely was more comfortable hanging out with single parents after I became a single parent. but then there is also a stigma that younger widowed moms have against them (not just the single mom stigma) society is so messed up sometimes unfortunately. I wish we lived in a world where grief was supported and not just piushed down and ignored. I mean how do you get past something if you aren't even allowed to get through it?

anyway sorry to ramble. be sure to stop back here often!

Kathy- Hi!! sorry to hear you are depressed. I think the second year is SOOO much harder than the first year.

[beverlynalabama]

Morning, Morning,

Kathy, I am sorry to see you are depressed. In reading your words I can see that grief is not something that will one day go away but maybe has an ebb and tide to it.

Dealing with the loneliness is so difficult. Of course add to that fear. I don't want to think of myself as an independent woman, I enjoyed having a partner.

I can't look into the future and see myself with anyone else so there must come a time when I find myself comfortable being independent. These are some of the things that occupy my mind and leave me numb. When I tell myself one day at a time, one hour at a time then going through the day does seem a little easier. The numbness is always there.

Do ya'll still feel like you are just a shell of yourself moving through the days?

[aprilmoonflower]

Beverly- somedays YES! I still have bouts of depression. and I am 3.5 years into this. at first I too didn't know how I'd cope (my kids were 17 months and 2 weeks old when their Dad died), but then I really came to love my independence!  I always tell  myself I have already lived through the worst..

[armaiti]

I know I still have bouts of depression, and it's been over 2 1/2 years for me.  Especially when I'm sick, which seems to be a lot lately.  I ate food that was too rich last night and was pretty ill.  I have to really change my diet, I guess.

And it looks like I'm not going to LA for the graduations.  Everything kind of fell through, we're not doing a family reunion, and everyone is all spread out over the place, so it's just not going to happen.  And sorry, Michele, I was really looking forward to meeting you!  I guess this trip just wasn't meant to be.

Anyway, I'm resting today and taking it easy, trying to heal myself.  Made some baked custard, and have some Reed's Ginger Brew which helps too.  I wish I could just get healthy again!

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Hi Beverly,

I am so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. No one can really know what it's like until it happens to them. My husband died 2 1/2 years ago and I still miss him every day. It's gotten easier but I still have down days when I think about all I am missing about him. Usually triggered by something I see or music.

I think it helps to have some single friends, especially those who have been widowed but whoever said strong friendships with married friends will survive is right too. I went to a Hospice group. I didn't find it very helpful but my particular one was made up mostly of people who had lost parents and one who had lost a child. I know grief is grief, but I think each type of loss has different issues. I have friends who found support groups to be a source of comfort and who made new friends (other widows) through them. I'm lucky to have a group of widowed and divorced women my age to "run" with.  At least it takes my mind off things while we're together and we have common things to talk about.

Mary Jo

[grievingwidow]

I have been reading alot of your postings and it really makes me feel like I'm not alone. My husband died in December 2008 in a tragic farm accident. We had been together 18 years, had some ups and downs but things had been going so much better. The grief and depression can be so self consuming. I fight so hard to pull myself out of it some days. It really helps to know that I'm not alone in all of this. Thanks

[im2short]

I just joind today and seen your post first. I too lost my husband of 38 years in December of 2008 so we have the same time frame in common. I am sorry to hear about your loss. I would have thought things would have gotten better by now but somedays are still harder than others. 

[grievingwidow]

I find it comforting to know that we are not alone. It is so devestating to lose your partner. I hope that we can only be strong to make it through this journey in life.

[beverlynalabama]

hi to everyone,

I too thought it would be better  by now. Thinking about it though, we lost half of ourselves. That is exactly how it feels.

[aprilmoonflower]

welcome to all the newcomers! I'm so sorry you are having to join this club. That said, this is a great board to visit. Come back often and you will find some comfort here even if it's just a fleeting thing.

I was only with  my husband for 8 years. I can't imagine how it is for those who have been married or with their partners for 10, 15, 20+ years..Fortunately or me, I now can accept his death and in fact I KNOW it is for the best after all the crap I was put through. (lies!!!) though my circumstances are a bit different than the norm..

Anyway I wish you all well in this sad journey and please do stick around!

[missingcurtis]

Hello to the new ladies and all the others.  I am one of the ones who lost my spouse after 36 years.  It has been just over 3 years and some days are still  harder than others.

We didn't have any children so I really didn't have anyone close to me to talk to.  I ended up moving back to my old home town because my sisters all live here.  I thought that would make a big difference and while it has helped, they are all still married so they don't really understand.

I have days when I really regret moving and giving up the house we had had worked so hard to pay off.  It was a lot nicer home that what I live in now and we had planted every single tree and bush and the grass in the yard.  But it was depressing to me to take care of it and him not be there with me.  Every picture on the wall was hung by him and the curtains and so on.  I just had a hard time.

Where I live now, he has never been here.  so I don't get the feeling that he will walk in and sit down.  I miss a lot of our friends but they were mostly his friends or people we worked with.  And I have made new friends here.  I still have a long ways to go but I just take it one day at a time.

I am looking forward more instead of back and have more betters days all the time.  I am learning to live with my regrets and go on.

Time is a great healer.

Debbie 

[mishknit]

hi all...

i'm up way too late.

i am so sorry for the new women on here, but glad you found the site..it definitely helps. it has been just over 3 years for me too...sigh.

anna, i'm so disappointed! i was really hoping to meet you live!

and linda..where are you???

its interesting how we go in and out of our feelings..grief is a very weird thing. there's really no accounting for it....like surfing, one day the waves carry you, the next they're flat...wtf.....we just get thru it, i guess.

lately ive been sleeping a LOT....or. like now, up very late.

i am really missing tom, but every time i get this down, something better seems to happen..low, then high...so i'm waiting for the high.

love you all

peace, michele

[mishknit]

hi all...

i'm up way too late.

i am so sorry for the new women on here, but glad you found the site..it definitely helps. it has been just over 3 years for me too...sigh.

anna, i'm so disappointed! i was really hoping to meet you live!

and linda..where are you???

its interesting how we go in and out of our feelings..grief is a very weird thing. there's really no accounting for it....like surfing, one day the waves carry you, the next they're flat...wtf.....we just get thru it, i guess.

lately ive been sleeping a LOT....or. like now, up very late.

i am really missing tom, but every time i get this down, something better seems to happen..low, then high...so i'm waiting for the high.

love you all

peace, michele

[missyouhoney811]

I am so sorry for the newcomers to the board.  Whatever it is that will make you feel whole again do it for yourself.  If it means staying in your house, not wanting to talk, shower, eat.  That's alright......whatever you are doing is the right thing to do for yourself.  No one knows about how to grieve until they step in our shoes.  People that think you should "GET OVER IT" are truly not the people you want to be around at present.  Try to be strong because that is what our soul mates want us to be.  As the days, months and years go by try to put a smile on your face and the strong love that you had/have in your heart and carry it with you forever.  You never forget but it does get better.  It is 31 months since the love of my life died.  We were together for 35 years.  I still talk to him daily and I know I will miss him forever.

Michele, I wish you were coming to Vegas with me.  I leave on Tuesday, 3/24 for the $50,000.00 Slot Tournament.  I am happy my neighbors will be taking the other suite.  Not that I plan on being with them all the time but it will be nice if we decide to have dinner together.  Lord knows I have fun by myself but it will be fun seeing a familiar face at dinner.  WISH ME LUCK ON THE SLOTS.

I will be going to 12:00 Mass today.  This evening I will hit the 7:00 ZUMBA ClASS.  I am back up to 6 days a week.  It makes me happy to know that I can jump around like a twenty year old.....being 62 does not matter.   Hopefully, I will be able to go to the show to see "Thunder from Down Under" This time I will get my picture taken with them and post it on this site.....lol

Blessings,

Dorothy

Wish you girls would go with me one of these days....

[aprilmoonflower]

I have deleted this post due to nosey folks who aren't worth my energy.

Thanks for the help everyone. I appreciate each and every one of you!

[rodless]

April...

I had a lot of problems with Rod's 4 kids during the week before he died and through the funeral. I was really angry and felt like a victim and it was consuming me. One day I was walking at the cemetery and like a break though it came to me that I did not have to allow them space in my life anymore. Rod was gone, I couldn't do anything about their feelings and opinions so out loud I said (I think I yelled) "I forgive you, you ----------s and now I'm done with you. I don't have to think about you anymore!" Then I apologized to Rod for anything I did to create the situations, cried awhile and left it there. Sounds simple but that's really how it went for me. The best part was the nightmares stopped after that. To be honest I still think about them sometimes. After all they were part of my family (especially the grandkids) for 15 years. But I just couldn't keep going with all that anger and hurt inside and I find now I really don't care what goes on with any of them. It's over. I haven't seen the 3 who caused the worst trauma since and have gently turned down overtures from the 4th.  I hope this makes some sense to you.

Mary Jo

[armaiti]

April, that's a tough one.  His family certainly sound like awful people, who aren't willing to accept that HE was the cause of his death, and need to try to blame someone else - you, apparently.  There is really nothing you can do about them.  I understand about the lack of trust.  But that will come over time, with your new partner and his family.  I would be really angry, too, if I were you.  We have to feel what we need to feel, it's tough.  It took me a while to really trust Ishaq when we got together, to trust and believe he wouldn't leave me and go back to his old girlfriend, since my partner before him had been pretty untrustworthy.  But Ishaq proved himself to be a loyal, loving and trustworthy partner, and his family has been so supportive of me since his passing.  I hope that this happens for you too.  You deserve to have an easy time of it for once!

Michele, I sent you a message on Facebook.  Sometimes they don't go through, so let me know if you don't get it.

Dorothy, you go girl!  I'm almost ten years younger than you, and you sound like you are ten years younger than me! 

I seem to be on the mend physically...I'm still dealing with some health stuff, but I have a friend who's an alternative nutritionist, and we are going to start doing some trades so I can maybe finally figure out what's wrong with me and why I'm so tired and yucky feeling a lot of the time.  And spring is here - daffodils and plum trees bursting out all over, even though we had a hail storm today.   

Hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend,

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

to the newcomers... Im sory for the reason you are here but glad you have found the site. as far as going to therapy at hospice, I would just sit through a session, if it is a good therapy session they will allow you to sit until and if you are ready for more.if they try to force you into talking before you are ready then you can always leave right? I have been on this journey for over 2.5 years and i can honestly say it sucks. i do think you have to become adjusted to being by yourself and then became happy or maybe the better wird is content in your independence and being alone before you can move on with your life. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE not MOVE ON PAST YOUR SPOUSE.  I really think of it as moving through my life and there are now some good times, some really good times. That doesnt mean i dont  miss  my husband. I do everyday! but i am getting settled in this new life and beginning to enjoy the good parts of it. It has not been easy or quick that i can tell you but it will come on your time.

April....It is no secret that my inlaws and i didnt get a long. In fact when we were planning my husbands funeral mi mil told me she never thought we wuld make it more than a year and she often thought he whould have married someone else. I just looked at her and said I guess you were wrong. We were married 21 years. What i think is that of all the things my husband did or didnt do for me the one thing his death did was released me from these people. It does not matter what they say or think behind my back because they are no longe my family and i no longer have ties to them. As far as my kids go i did try to keep them close to them but the in laws never really tried and now my kids just arent interested. I do get a long with a few of my sil so its not all bad but we aren't close and some of the others have finally come along. But to me it didnt matter one way or the other if they did or didnt. I guess basically im trying to say you inlaws - who really arent anymore before his death has released you- are not really worth the time or the poser you are giving them. Let them go! When you told us about the new guy I asked you how you could trust him after what you found about your huseband and you said you couldnt live your life basedo what he did and your ditrust of him. Try to apply that to your guys family.I know the walls are up but try to take them at their word and judge them on them not you former inlaws. I think you can be cautious but each time just try to open up a little bit more.

Ok i'm sure i'm rambling so.....

dorothy johm edwards is in vegas in march im not sure of the dates though.

Is anyone planning on going to the reunion. I would like to go but only if some from our board are going. let me know so i can start saving

believe,

becky

 

[lindat]

Michele,  I am still in CA - I'll give you a call as soon as I know if I will have transportation next week.

Becky,  I wanted to go to the reunion, but will be walking 60 miles in the 3day that weekend.  

My page is at http://www.the3day.org/goto/lindahoman - hope you ladies can help me out with a donation.  I set my goal too high, but I have to raise at least $2300 or won't be able to walk in it.  I paid $90 to be able to walk, so I am pretty determined to raise the money.   I know times are tough, but we have got to find a cure!

Dorothy, hope you have a wonderful time.  Seems like you are really back to your old self again.   You truly are an inspiration!

Hope all of you find some peace this week. 

Linda

[aprilmoonflower]

I hope you meet your goal Linda!

[missyouhoney811]

Up, Up and away Vegas here I come. I depart tomorrow morning at 10:20.  Wish me luck.  Still packing.....I am a great one for over packing.  Maybe one of these days one of you girls will come with me.

Blessings.........

[aprilmoonflower]

Hey Dorothy have fun!!!! I hope you win BIG!

Unfortunately I am not really into Vegas anymore (at one time I thought it was fun)

but not after D and I got picked up by the secret service one time!! (someone slipped us a fake bill at the Aladdin that we then unknowingly used the next day at a black jack table) we were surrounded by like 12 cops in a matter of a minute. Then held for HOURS until we convinced the secret service we were not counterfieters!!!  (They searched all our money, took our pictures to circulate at the hotels, threatened us,etc) UNREAL! we are definitely not criminals!! be sure to look at your $$$$ when using cash and when you get it from the changer (that's the ONLY possible place  our bill came from!) it was really ridiculous when we were shown the  bill after the fact(it was $100 bill) as it had a cartoon dog on it! but otherwise looked like real money at a glance. we had had a few cocktails and didn't pay any attention at all! NEVER AGAIN!

sorry if I have told this story here before, just thought I'd share! I can laugh at it now but not then it was horrifying not to mention the MOST EMBARRASSING THING EVER!

[missyouhoney811]

April, that would have been terrible.  Went to the bank and got my money to gamble with.  Everything is packed.  I'll probably go to sleep around midnight and get up at 6:30.  I am very excited.  I LOVE Vegas........

Becky, I plan on going to the reunion.  Keep me informed as to what you are doing.

Blessings,

[lindat]

Dorothy, I'm with you.  I LOVE Vegas! I worked at Red Lobster in Vegas for a few months - great place to live.   BTW, have you ever been to Biloxi, MS - it is an awesome place to gamble!  My daughter is a black jack dealer at the Beau Rivage, a Vegas style casino on the gulf coast.  One of these days, I will be able to join you.  Have a great time and lots of luck!

April, that would be really scarey!  My sister's husband died at the Desert Inn in Vegas on their 31st anniversary in 1998 - she used to love it, but she hasn't been back. 

[lindat]

My message posted twice and there used to be a delete, but I can't figure out how to delete it, only edit.   Anybody know how to delete a message?

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda- yes the delete button is missing! weird!

I think we should plan our own reunion!

btw, I am going to Madison, WI in late June then coming to Michigan in July Linda! (Ruthbury!) Maybe we can meet up somewhere while I'm there!?

I'm feeling a lot better today! My ulcer is feeling better and I feel like I am on the upswing of freeing myself from the toxicity that has touched my life in the past several years! yay!

[lindat]

April that would be awesome!  Becky lives in MI too, maybe we could all get together!

Are you going to Ruthbury just for the festival, or do you have family there?

[sharon1980]

I have just joined this message board, but I have been reading it since about December 2007.  My husband of 26 years was killed in a motorcycle accident on June 27, 2007.  I want to say thank you to everyone who has poured out their hearts on this message board.  It has been something I have read almost every day since I found it.  It helped me to see that I am not alone and that this grief will go on for some time.  This has been the most pain I have ever had in my life.  He was 65, a very young 65, I am 10 yrs younger.  We had the world by the tail, and then something horrible happened on a road in Montana.  No one really saw the accident.  He was riding with a friend, but the friend was quite a ways a head of him.  He was a very careful rider.   He was killed instantly.  We live Nebraska.  He was on his way to visit his sister in Montana.  I had talked to him about 3 hours before he was killed.  We told each other how much we loved each other.  They sent the sheriff of my county to tell me along with a chaplin. 

So it is 21 months March 27.  I miss him every day so much, I cry almost every day still.  Today I took a few more of his clothes out of the closet and moved them to another part of the house.  That was not too bad.  I have a part time job and a few very good friends and another support system that I count on. 

I guess the thing I struggle with the most now is the reality that he is gone, and I miss him so much, we were so special together.  Half of me is missing.

I am finding that alot of our friends or family don't even mention his name.  It seems as if now that he is dead, he was never here. 

I have done counseling and grief support groups.  So I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  We had no children together.  He had one daughter who recently had a baby and I stay in touch with her and visited them the first part of March.  They are very far away.  His daughter does not want to talk about him either. 

Anyway this has gotten long.  Thank you again for the sharing you have done.

[missingcurtis]

Sharon,

I am glad you posted.  I think sometimes by putting it down on paper (well for others to read) helps.  It also makes it more real.  I cry nearly everytime I post and even when I re-read my own posts.

I think my family is tired of hearing me talk about Curtis.  It has only been a little over 3  years and while they go on with their lives, my life is forever changed. I have one sister who has been married almost 49 years.  I told her the other day that she just  has no idea how much things have changed in my life.  She is almost 69 and dated him in high school. 

I am glad you are in touch with his daughter.  Maybe one day she will ask questions or her children will.  Maybe you can put together a sort of a memory book to give to the new baby. 

I had planned to give Curtis's nieces and nephews a photo memory book after he died.  But they never call or keep in touch with me.  I have boxed up a big box of family pictures (most without him) to one day pass on to them.  I keep saying I want to make a memory book atleast for myself.  I don't know if I ever will or not.

A lot of his friends keep in touch with me.  They miss him too.  

Time is a good healer.  I jost don't want to ever forget him.

Debbie..................................Missing Curtis

[laquinn]

Sharon I am so sorry that you had to find this place but it's a good place for those of us that have lost the love of our lives. My husband passed away October 12, 2007. There is not a day that goes by I don't miss him some days alot more than others but I think about him always. Be good to yourself and do what you need to do to move on with your life when your ready.

I am not sure if I told you all before that before Randy passed away we had planned on spending Christmas in Tunica we didn't get to but now I have decided that I am ready to make that dream come true. My friend Carla and I are going to Tunica in April for a few days. I need to get away for a little while and I want to ga back to a place that he liked and we visited before.

Hope you all are doing ok.

Lela

[rodless]

Hi Sharon,

I'm glad reading our posts has helped you and it's nice to see your post. I lost my husband  in July 2006. Like you I thought we had the world by the tail...kids gone, enough money & time to do some things. I was the happiest I had ever been. It was my second marriage and we had no children together. He was 15 yrs. older. I have never known anyone who I related to like I did Rod. He was the best friend I've ever had and the hole in my life is huge. It has become easier as each month goes by but I still have some really bad days.

This weekend I was looking through pictures to find some for my kids and I found one of Rod at the bottom of the box. I swear I had never seen before. It had to have been taken at work shortly before he retired. He was looking straight at the camera and I think straight into my heart. I've been carrying it around with me. It's like getting a surprise gift from someone who you haven't heard from in a long time.

I spent Saturday night with a cousin my age who lost his wife of 30+ years to cancer a year before Rod died and my 86 year old aunt who was married over 60 years before her husband died a month after Rod. We had quite a conversation. I am so envious of people who had years and years together but I'm just happy that I had Rod for as long as I did.

Hope all are having a good week...not too bad here but maybe snow on the weekend. Sunny days are a major thing for me and I'm ready for spring.

Mary Jo

[sharon1980]

Thank you so much for your replies.

I am going to keep reading and posting once in awhile.

Now that I am here, I am not quite sure what to say, though it did help to write yesterday.  I keep a journal and have been since about the second month when I went to counseling.

I have a picture of my husband and I kissing.  We had gone to his nephew's wedding in New York in November 2006.  They had one of those photo booths set up, so guests could take pictures and then put them in a book with a caption.  I sat on his lap and we kissed and I carry that picture with me where ever I go.  I put a copy of it in his urn and I have one on the refrig.  I can still see him close his beautiful eyes and kiss me.  I miss it all so much. 

He believed so strongly that there was something better beyond this life.  That death was not the end.  Sometimes I feel  selfish wanting him back.  He was so full of life, it is still just a shock.

But  I am angry too.  I didn't want him to get this motorcycle.  I did ride with him, but hadn't the past year or so.  It just scared me.  He knew the risks, took all the safety riding classes. Was a careful good rider.  But something happened in an instant.  One instant that there was no control over.   I hate the sound of Harley Davidson pipes.  And now that spring is beginning they are everywhere.  They did an autopsy looking for drugs or alcohol.  Or a medical reason.  There was no mechanical reason.  He probably came into a curve that he didn't know was there going a bit too fast, hit gravel.  They were on a real curvy windy road, but we had been on so many of those over the years. 

Sharon

[aprilmoonflower]

Sharon- I know what happened doesn't make sense. It does sound like your husband died doing something he loved. That is better than a lot of people get. Not that it changes anything but sometimes it helps to look at it from a different angle.

(((hugs))) I know the anger well.

[missyouhoney811]

I am back from Vegas.  It is very sad to see  "Sin City" suffering also.  They tightened up on the comps and the slots are not flowing as freely as they once did.  I still had fun.  I feel happy just walking the strip. 

Is anyone going to the Reunion?  I plan on going.  It would be great if the people I have been talking to the past couple years would meet face to face. 

This will be the first time for me in Minnesota.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[lindat]

Hey Dorothy, 

Wish I could, but I will be walking 60 miles that weekend.

http://www.the3day.org/goto/lindahoman

I hope that you get to meet a few of the ladies and take lots of pictures.

Linda

[aprilmoonflower]

Sounds like you had a good time in Vegas Dorothy!

Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the reunion in August as we have plans for a camping gathering that very week!It should be fun though so I am looking forward to it!

Linda- that is so awesome! I am excited for you!

[armaiti]

Glad you had fun, Dorothy!

I'm going in for my final training to be a "cat cuddler" at the local animal shelter.   I think it will be good to get out and do something of service, and I love cats so much it seems the right place to be volunteering.  I get to help with adoptions too, which will be wonderful to help a kitty find a loving home.

I'm getting stronger too...I'm still down around 113 pounds, but at least I'm eating again, and starting to feel a bit healthier.  This has been an awful winter for me for getting sick, and being depressed about Ishaq not being here hasn't helped.  I need some warm weather too...it's been a cold and grey and damp few months. 

Hope everyone is doing ok,

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- I'm glad you are feeling better. Maybe you should start eating some avocados on a daily basis for fat? I'm sure spring and better weather will help though! also I find evening primrose oil and flax seed oil help me a lot with depression issues (if used consistently daily over a period of weeks). I don't know if you use either but I just wanted to throw that out there for you and anyone else who might find it useful.

[armaiti]

I've been eating some avocados too, I like to just sprinkle them with lime juice and salt and eat them...yum. 

I went and had my training and the cats are all so sweet and just soak up the attention.  I wish I could bring them all home (but I won't).  There is the most beautiful cat there, a Himalayan with gorgeous blue eyes. Sigh.

I also talked to the volunteer coordinator about how I'm an artist and photographer, and she said it would be great if I could start taking pictures of the cats for the website!  So that will be fun as well.

The sun is out a bit here, and I'm feeling better...thinking of going to the First Friday Artwalk we have here and check out a little art...we'll see.   I'm starting to get a little stir crazy being in the house so much, but I know I need to also take it easy and not overdo it so I get better.

I got a call today from an old friend of Ishaq's.  He wanted to let me know he'd had a lucid dream with Ishaq a month ago where he was showing Ishaq his new artwork, and then Ishaq made a point of telling him to be sure and say hi to me.  Another friend also had a lucid dream with Ishaq a couple of weeks ago.  It makes me happy to know he's around for others as well as for me.  But I still miss him every day. 

Blessings,

Anna