I Miss Him So...

[mishknit]

monica and kim....

i am so sorry that you'r dealing with this.

and those stupid people!!!

i remember feeling that exact same wy, and, sadly..some of those stupid people were some of my best friends. the thing is...no one knows what to say. what is there to say, really, except "i am so sorry for your loss", and what can i do to help? in the early time there is only action...there are no words.

i put up with a lot of stupid words, until i just couldn't anymore.

and then i just corrected them...."i'm sorry, you're wrong, god does sometimes give you more than you can handle..look at me"; "i'm sorry..you're wrong...he's not in a better place, he would want to be here with his family";

"how do you know he didn't suffer, and is his not suffering supposed to make my suffering easier?"

the people that cared about me learned and didn't feel offended..the others? who cares.

this is such a hard time, keep reaching out whenever you can. this is a good place, therapy, support groups, whatever you can do. it may get harder before it gets easier, but a certain clarity will come, it WILL.

peace, michele

[monicalovesjack]

Thank you ladies. This has really helped. You get it.  

I gotta say, I love my baby sister for advice too. She is the one person that says it just as it is. She is the person that I call in the evening. After my son falls asleep and I start to unravel. I swear people would gasp at the things she says...like when I say I feel hopeless, she will say  "no sh*t Moni, this is eff'd up. If it was me, I would never have gotten out of bed". Oddly enough, or maybe because she knows me so well, we giggle and then move on to talking about other things.  She is my savior in many many ways.

I spent a lovely day with my mother today and as we finished up, she said "Oh Mon, I made you and Ryan a batch of spaghetti sauce". How wonderful it was to come home and just boil up some noodle and have a really nice home cooked meal.

Have a great weekend all.....thanks for listening and sharing.....Monica (loves Jack).

[laquinn]

Hi everyone it's been awhile since I have been able to get on here. So much has gone on in my life the past 4 months. I lost a granddaughter in June that was still born, didn't know her yet but it was still hard. I lost my 6 year old grandson on Sept. 30 that was really hard. He was our special grandchild. My son and daughter in law had to make a choice that I would not wish upon my worst enimy to have to make and that was to turn off the vent and let him go. He is in a better place now. So I have said goodbye for now to my oldest and my youngest grandchildren. 

My husband Randy will be gone 2 years on Monday the 12th. So I can now picture him holding the kids and playing with them and Lil Joey running and laughing cause he was never able to do that here on earth. I am so ready for life to get better and this year to be over I want next year to be a quite year no more death. I am not sure how much more I can handle.

Hope everyone is doing ok and staying warm and dry ( I am tired of all this rain) . Hoping the sun comes out tomorrow.

Talk to you all again soon Lela

[mishknit]

see....

that's what you hold on to...

those who do get it.

whether they've lived thru it or not.

hold tight..and if she does say something stupid one day..call her on it, forgive it , and keep laughing with her..cause that'll get you thru.

i have friends like that.

so very grateful for them

peace,

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Monica- That is the best kind of friend (like your sister). They may not always know what to say but at least they TRY and make you  laugh still! It's better than you'll get from some folks..if you can laugh about the absurdity of it all in the face of grief, you are doing well. ((Hugs))

[klmmdm01]

Hello Ladies, I hope you are all doing well.  It has been tough.  Fall is here and normally a fun and busy time of the year, but not so much this year.  I dread winter, the cold, the holidays and dreary grey days (sigh).  The house is so quiet now.  Nothing but silence and being alone.  Some days I swear I am going to go right out of my mind.  But being around people exhausts me and I cannot bear a crowd.  So instead I walk around this house and it is all so surreal until I cannot stand it anymore and call someone.  I know that if we had children it would bring a whole new set of difficulties at this time, but it would be nice to have a responsibility and obligation to a child and hear another being talking and laughing. 

Monica, I hope your hanging in there.  Your sister sounds like just the thing you need.    

[aprilmoonflower]

klmmdm- do you have any pets? I found after DH died getting a (pound) puppy was a wonderful thing for me..just a thought. I hate winter too, especially now as I am living where there is snow and barely any sun again! arghhh! I need to get back to the desert ASAP!!! btw if you need someone to chat with feel free to PM me or message me on yahoo (aprilmoonflower). wish this site had a chat feature as these boards are so slow anymore..

[lindat]

Today is Terry's birthday and he has been on my mind all day.   Not as sad as in the past, just wondering what he would thing of all the changes in just 4 years.   I am such a different person than I was then, and 100 pounds lighter.  He would laugh at some of it and he would not enjoy the diet with raw juice and whole grains, veggies and fruit - and no red meat.   He would be proud of my school - got my first algebra exam back - 94%, and he would be amazed at how strong I am.   I miss him a lot, but I have moved on and I am looking forward to the future - he would be proud of that too.  Our men want us to be happy and live our lives, it took me a long time to do that, but I am making progress.  

Winter feels like it has arrived already, plants froze a couple of weeks ago so everything is starting to look dried up.  It is early this year and I am not looking forward to it getting any colder.  My brother in law was cutting the grass last weekend when snow flurries started falling, very weird but he finished anyway.    April, I want to go home to MS or to CA to be with Jim - anywhere that it isn't cold.  I will do what I have to do, but not liking it.

Hope all of you are doing okay and finding some peace.  xoxox

[missyouhoney811]

Hi! It took me forever to get back on BI.  I hope everyone is doing fine as for me I continue with my Zumba 5-6 days a week and about 3 months ago I started to take Ballroom Dancing.  I am having so much fun with it.  I actually went to a ball on 8/28 and  my special dance was the Salsa......so, so much fun.

[lindat]

We have been wondering where you were, I just knew you were having lots of fun.   I am up to my eyeballs in homework and enjoying being a college freshman.  Hope you won't stay away so long next time

[monicalovesjack]

I am so glad so many people posted this evening. I am so new, and I look forward to connecting with people who can relate to my situation.

Lindat - Happy Birthday to your honey. How I smiled when I read your post just now. I know you are right about our men, but since I am so new to all of this, I am so clouded. You are inspiring me. I did get a little laugh, as my eating habits have changed just within these two months of Jack's death, and I know he is watching over me going..."eeewwww". He was a meat n taters kind of guy and I have been changing up adding more fish and grains. By the way...major kudos on your weight loss! Keep up the good work.

--monica

 

[missyouhoney811]

I plan on being here at least weekly..........I have a trip to Vegas scheduled for 10/20-10/25....At this point in my life I have to say that I am having fun....it is 38 months for John.  As we all know to well it was a tough road to travel....but we did it...we had no choice in the matter we had to be strong or fall off the face of the earth.  I love life and it is meant to be enjoyed...love you guys....

[lindat]

Almost 2 years after he died, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and that led to the diet changes.   It also forced me to choose between wanting to be with him and living my life - I decided I wanted to live my life and I have been doing so ever since.   I was in a huge dark hole for a long, long time in the and this board saved me, but nobody can force you to come out of that hole but you.   Next month it will be 2 years since I was diagnosed and my life has been difficult but positive.   Life goes on whether we go on with it or not, I have learned it is too short to miss out on.   I can't imagine going back to the day he died and doing it again, it was so very hard.  Just be patient with yourself, the days will seem long and empty but they are steps to getting through it, there is no way around.    I promise it does get better.

[klmmdm01]

April,

We have animals.  Too many.  We were famous for taking in a stray or an abused animal directly out of the home.  We had a joke about how we wanted to be serious about finding the cat/dog a home, but once they crossed our threshold they were "home".  They do help tho.  I know what you mean about heading back to the desert.  I've been thinking about moving back to Arizona.  We moved to the South because of Mark and I don't have much reason to stay except  for the memories.  My inlaws are close but...well, we won't go into that and lets just suffice to say the relationship has become nonexistent by their choosing.  I don't have much family left and they live in a very miserable cold long winter climate (ugh).  Mark was my family, without him I don't feel grounded any longer.  

You ladies are truly remarkable.  However, it is so hard to grasp that I would find life worth living for.  I am struggling to wrap my brain around merely existing for the next possible 40 odd years before it will be my time.  I know that I have to reinvent, recreate, rebuild.  I also know this nightmare is no where near coming to a close, I am still standing on its threshold.  There is a long way to go yet and I wonder who I will be when its done?  Where I will be, what I will be doing and who, if anyone, will be there.  I understand that at this time I am staring down at the abyss and it stares back.  This particular part of the game is only temporary, but the pain and loss are far too great and very permanent.  It will shape my decisions and will change my very being.  Currenlty the abyss has no answers.

[aprilmoonflower]

klmmdm- I hear you on too many animals! They do help though! I started a mini homestead after DH passed. goats, chickens, ducks..much to some's dismay.. but that is another whole issue I don't care to even address as it's no one's business but MINE.

As for the future and finding something to live for. Try not to think too much about that right now.  All you need to worry about is getting through NOW. You will just make yourself NUTS thinking about the future! In that way we become very Zen like I must admit. But really what other way is there to live but in the NOW? Just try to get yourself through the day/week at this point. I used to try to make it a point to do at least one thing a week that would better our quality of living after the initial grief wore off. Weather that be forcing myself to socialize, eat more, sleep less, exercise, etc. Affirmations also help. Do you keep a journal? I started to write after DH death out of sheer boredom and now I write part time and it could turn into a full time career very easily at any point if I wanted it too! You just never know what will happen. Right now definitely is the thick of it though. It WILL get better I promise!

((hugs))

[monicalovesjack]

Until Lindat posted yesterday about her life several years down the road, it hasn't crossed my mind. Well, except that I look at my son (currently 3) and think about how he will be in 10 years, 20 years, etc not having his daddy here, but knowing how much his daddy loved him. I believe that in order make that happen...I am going to have to keep on chugging along.  (I guess I have not read enough posts to see all the wonderful and productive things you incredibly strong have been able to accomplish after losing your partner).

Today, surprising because the Seattle rain came last night, I am feeling okay with working inside around the place on my own. (yesterday was another story) I have shunned visitors for a while now. Toys, paperwork, etc. have been neglected and it has been all I can do to make sure my son gets a good meal, bath time, story/puzzle/fun time, then bed.

After twelve years at the same place, I was laid off. My job function along with others, moved to our parent company in Texas. I don't have to jump at getting a job right away, but umemployment, cobra, insurance conversions, etc is not what I really handle mentally at the moment.  blah...just another annoyance.

I am standing staring at the abyss with you, klmmdm. I don't think we are meant to look too far ahead. One foot at a time, I think we need to stick to.

Also, since I am not working in the day at the moment, if you need to talk to just remind someone of all the wonderful, caring, endearing things about your husband...I am a good listener. I have unlimited minutes!

[klmmdm01]

Monica and April, thank you.

I'm not working either.   My employer let me go while my husband was fighting for his life and told me to choose -husband or job.  Apparently the current emergency in my personal life was viewed as an inconvenience to them.  Needless to say, I chose to be with my husband.  I don't regret a second, I am a little taken a back by their callousness tho.  But hey, what can you do?  I know that I should just focus on this 5 minutes and then the next....but even that is so overwhelming that my brain just shuts off.  Between lawyers, social security, unemployment, money situation, etc, etc, etc...even the current 5 minutes is just hell.  It will pass...eventually....I hope.  By the way, speaking of 3 year olds....my husband and I acquired a Schutzhund bred GSD and we began his training for the trials.  Now with my husband gone I don't have a helper and lets just say that my current 15 month old 90 pound plus high-drive German Shepherd misses doing his bite work, 5 mile bike runs and rough and tackle play time.  He is out of control.  And I am just a girl and no fun. (Sigh)  I guess human, canine and feline are all going thru some changes.

Monica, I would love to talk sometime.  It would be nice to have someone my age, going through this grief and confusion to hash it all out with.  We'll hook up. 

Once again for those of you who have endured and conquered and managed to come out on the other side: your encouragement and wisdom is priceless.  Thank you.        

[aprilmoonflower]

Wow klmmdm they let you go because you you caring for your injured husband? Isn't that against the FMLA?  (see here) http://www.dol.gov/esa/whd/fmla/

I know you are under SO MUCH pressure right now but damn I would fight that!!!! They had no right to put you under even more stress in that way. I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

[monicalovesjack]

I agree with AMF..seems like your employer should have been able to do that...but sometimes the law is just not logical. Worth checking our her link though, when your brain is less cloudy. (whenever that will be).

My friend taught me how to crochet a few weeks ago. I am making a baby blanket with these fall type colors (see attached). There are going to be seven colors total. I am so surprised it is turning out really well. My friend says she cannot believe how tight I can get my stitches. Beginners luck, I guess. I am not trying to be boastful, just really happy with the results.

Not sure why I chose a baby blanket, it'll be too small for my son and I actually do not know anyone who is pregnant. I originally thought I was going to donate to my son's daycare for their annual auction, but I have decided (when it is complete) to put it away for my son. (to use when he becomes a daddy). I am putting so much effort into it..it is helping to give me focus, is being made with love and tears and happiness in trying something new. I am giving this blankie all of me! This blankie is just like me...warm, cute, and imperfect!  I suppose I will make another one for the auction. :-)

Oh by the way...my driect email is : monica571@gmail.com

Have a productive Friday, everyone.

[klmmdm01]

AMF and Monica,

First, I live in an "At Will" state.  This can be simply interpreted that an employer can fire you "at will" at any time without just cause and without giving you a reason.  The FMLA requires that if an employer has 50 or more employees.  Most states have added to their statutes a state family medical leave and it can require that any business with 4 or more employees (as an example - but the required number of employees can vary from state to state) are by law required to offer the leave.  The state I live in has no such statute laying out the terms of family medical leave, so unless the business falls under the 50 or more employees as defined by the feds your screwed.  And to further the argument that the state I currenlty reside in isn't screwed up enough, I have been denied unemployment.  Apparently, although there was a medical situation and the hospital was a mere 3 hours away from the city we lived and worked does not fall under "good cause" and therefore is not considered necessitous or compelling circumstances.  And although I was given an ultimatum, my employers actions are not considered a reason for me to resign.  You gotta love the South.  I'm batting a thousand, ladies. 

Monica, I love the blanket!  And you should hold onto it.  I will shoot you an email soon. 

AMF I will also send you an email. 

Hope your all having a good day.

Kim          

[rodless]

Sorry to see new names on this board. I remember (how could I forget) the complete despair. Abyss is a perfect description. Staying connected here was the only thing that kept me going somedays.

Zumba and Vegas...good to hear from you Dorothy! And Lela, I'm so sorry about your grandchild.

I hit the 3 year mark in July so I'm starting the go around for the 4th time and finally finding life to be better. I can go places and make plans without that overwhelming sense of loss....at least most of the time. I will always miss and love Rod but maybe there's something nice out there just waiting to happen. Even a year ago I would never ever have believed I could say such a thing.

Take care everyone!  Mary Jo

 

[missyouhoney811]

Hi Mary Jo, Something funny that I have done.....I joined match.com...I am having so much fun talking.  So far I have not gone out with anyone.  Hell, I have not gone out on a  date since I was 25.  It has been quite a bit of fun.  The great part about talking by way of phone and email all the guys are younger.....really quite young they are in their 40's so I guess I am a cougar lol........My next birthday I will be 63...fun, fun, fun.......the thought of a date scares me to death......I would really like to meet the guys face to face soon.......we pass this way one time....we have to have some type of fun or we wasted our lives...

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Ohhh do I need to revive the dating thread for you ladies? (Dorothy and Mary Jo)

I love the blanket Monica, very nice!!! Is that a ripple stitch? I crochet but not enough as I used to (pre kids) I am making hats for the kids for xmas..

Kim- That blows!!!!! I'm so sorry for everything you are going through..Hang in there and keep posting! It helps!

[rodless]

Not quite ready for match.com yet but have fun with it Dorothy. I can see you being a cougar! Not really scared of dating and would probably go out if someone asked but not looking. Right now just pleased that every day is not a struggle. So many people talk about time being a healer and it seems to be doing it's job....finally.

[monicalovesjack]

Nice to hear, Mary Jo, that things will ease somewhat. I had a productive day yesterday, put my son to bed, sat up for a bit, and even started down the hall to the bedroom just after 11pm. Stopped in my tracks and had to go back in the living room and call my sister. I have NEVER been a nervous or anxious person in my life, so this overwhelming fear and anxiety is frustrating.

So...another night of not going to bed until 1am + and then laying down and not being able to relax enough to sleep. Next thing I know it is 7am, and my 3yo son is in my face saying...momma, I have to go pee. At least no matter how tired I am, I do get up and tell myself each day that I need to make Jack proud in raising our son. Some day, maybe I will be to do it for myself..but for now, getting up for Ryan seems to work.

@ AMFlower - I am crocheting like a speed demon.Cannot believe I just learned a couple of weeks ago.  I glance up at Jack's pic and then lose myself in a conversation with him or the last few days I keep replaying a scene a few days before his death...I was laying on the bed with my son and we were working on a puzzle, Jack came in and sat down on the edge of the bed next to me and tickled the bottom of my bare foot. I can feel it.

The blankie is just a double crochet. When I switch colors, I merge with a slip stitch, chain 2, then slip stitch back the on the previous color after skipping 2, repeat... basically making a zig zag back and forth between the colors.

@Kim - WA is an at will state too. Crazy that they can just create more stress in a person's life.

Dorothy....what a cougar. How nice to you are able to find some companionship.

[missyouhoney811]

Hi Monica, so sorry for your loss.  Take care of that little guy of yours........but you must also try to give yourself some special tender care.  I know it is hard and will be for some time.....just be gentle with yourself and you will heal.

In reference to your question..........a Cougar is a woman that dates younger men....It seems all the men that I have been talking to are much younger than I am......when talking with men my age they all seem to be just plain boring....so when I finally do go out in the dating world again it will be with a young man......

Blessings,

Dorothy

[klmmdm01]

Wow Dorothy!  Nothing wrong with a little bit of flirting.  In fact, I'm a big believer in flirting- you get to have fun and feel good with no commitment or obligation.  You go, girl!

Mary Jo, I am hoping that I find the same ease and comfort within myself to be as self confident and secure as you are with yourself.  It is hard to hear that it is such a long road that I have found myself traveling on, but also good to hear from those who have gone before me have found well being.

AMF, yes it does blow!  But it is what it is.  Funny how I suppose it would upset me in my previous life, but now, well...it just is what it is.  I can't even make myself give it a second thought.  Just another hoop that someone told me once was important to jump through and then one day in what seems like a long, long time ago -life happened.  I learned what was important and what is worth fighting for.  The rest is just stuff.

Monica, I know exactly what you mean about the fear and anxiety.  I haven't been prone to such emotions in the past either.  I normally could let most things slide knowing that in a week or a month or year I wouldn't even remember this event occurred so I didn't waste much energy on it in the present.  But now, the fear, anxiety, despair, anger and overwhelming pain...I guess it is just part of the journey.  I just wish I knew when those emotions would start to ease up a bit so I can catch a breath.  I don't sleep well either.  The trick I have found is that laying on the couch with the t.v. on helps.  The t.v. begins to drowned out all the thoughts and activity going on in my head and I can eventually fall asleep.  I have been told that it is a bad habit to get into, but when the sleeping "aids" don't work you gotta do what you gotta do.  Eventually, I will be able to sleep in our bed again but until then the couch is comfy and doesn't cause back pain.

[missyouhoney811]

Monica, I remember the anxiety.  I also remember the animal howl that came out of me, what a noise.  It was a howl that you would expect from a wounded animal not a human.  I had no control. I had no trouble sleeping (I took no medication at all) I would cover over with my John's comforter and say a prayer to him and also add please let me sleep well and keep me healthy and let nothing bad happen to me.....and for some reason it worked.  I still talk to him daily and the clocks still go off when I stay up too late or when I have a sad moment.  I believe its his way of telling me he is still watching over me.  I was my husbands caregiver the last nine years of his life.  On 7/8/97 he had hip replacement and infection set in.......he became a paraplegic.  He died 8/11/06 after spending 143 days in the hospital 99 were in ICU...He was a great man, a funny man, a sexy man, a good father, the best lover....my husband who I will miss forever.  Life is not fear but we have to appreciate whatever we get out of it.  Always keep your spirits high and try to find something that will put a smile on your face.  For me that was Zumba (Latin Dancing) and now for the past 3 months I have been doing Ballroom Dancing....it is what makes me happy....the music and the movement its just heaven sent..and the weight loss is fantastic!

Blessings to all,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, my 222's came out yesterday......and YES I had 3 dollars on them.....I hit for $1,500.00.  Do I pay bills....No.....Christmas Shopping.....Maybe......Vegas....YES...

My son starts a new job in Madison, Wisconsin on November 2nd.  I had to fight with him so much because he did not want to leave Pittsburgh because of me.  The money that they offered was too much for him to turn down and also this new job will benefit his future. I know I will be sad when he leaves but would never be that type of mom to hold him back.  It will be a good adventure for both of them.  Vanessa will continue working here until the middle of January.  They get married on 5/15/10.  As I told my son I am a very free spirit just give me 24 hours notice for me to book a flight.  I have never been to Wisconsin.  I told him to find a place for me to go ice fishing.....

Have a great day!

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

April, you will have to teach me the tricks of the trade.....lol

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, where are you?  I hope you are doing well...

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Congratulations Linda..........you must be proud of yourself.  You are a great strong person. With all the crap that was put in your way it just kept you going. Watch out for the young boys/men in college...lol

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Hi Michele, hope you are doing well.......are you on Facebook?

Have a great Sunday.

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Hi Becky, any chances of going to Vegas with me one of these days........You know the invitation is out there for all of you.  I still would love to meet everyone that got me through the worst time of my life..............

Hugs & Blessings,

Dorothy

[monicalovesjack]

Oh Dorothy, thank you for sharing with me. I probably mentioned in another post that Jack and I had been together for over fourteen years, engaged but never married. Between '05 and when he died in '09, I spent many days in ICU hoping he would pull through several renal failures plus numerous other hospital stays. I can relate to the care giver role, oh so well. Still with all that...the night he died was not expected.

I do get a chance to smile, considering myself lucky to get to watch our son grow everyday. The moment he leaves me though, I fall into despair. I know eventually it will ease, I am allowing myself to just feel whatever I need to at this time and then gradually it will ease. (I hope). For now, in the evenings I still just feel he is down the hall.

 

[missyouhoney811]

Monica, I was with my husband for 34 years.  It was difficult for me to realize that he would never come back home.  I still visit him every month on the 11th.  I take him flowers and sometimes I actually pour a beer or wine on his grave while I drink mine and just have conversation and I also release 3 balloons. Although, 10/11 was the first time I did not go to visit.  That was my sons 28th Birthday and we celebrated the entire week.  I will always be thankful for my son..........he looks just like his father from the tip of his head to his toes.  I have been blessed. 

You have a wonderful day!  Try to do something special for yourself everyday and remember you are still here.......your life matters so try to enjoy it because it goes so quickly.  Never try to second guess because our loved ones spirits are with us and I believe with my heart that they know what we are going through. 

Hugs and Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy-there is a slight chance I may be going to a face painting convention in Vegas in Feb. I'll lyk! oh and if you girls didn't know my new hobby is face painting. hehe. I am having fun doing it and I am trying to start a biz painting at bday parties,festivals, theater events and things. Right now I am signing up for all the classes and conventions I can afford! I have spent the  last 3 months putting my professional kit together as well. I'm SOOO excited!!!

[monicalovesjack]

Having a decent day. Since I am out of work and Ryan is in daycare, I have the days to do whatever. At first I was filling them up, to avoid being alone. Now I am really appreciating the time. I am purging a lot of stuff (since we moved in here one month before Ryan was born) three plus years later....and this time off is helping me to do it slowly, at a pace that suits me and I can stop and bawl my eyes out for as long as I want, then go back to sorting/purging.  Isn't this what we all wish for....time off for home projects! I do consider my lucky to afford this luxury for another month or so. Come January though, I had better be employed again.

Have a good Monday...what's left of it.

--monica

[missyouhoney811]

April, if you go to Vegas in February..........let me know...I will meet you there.

Face painting sounds like fun..

[monicalovesjack]

Just had one of those moments, in which I realize how much I am not paying attention to my immediate world around me.  The cat has an owwie and needs to go to the vet, but because she is always steering clear and hiding from the toddler, I didn't realize that she has probably had it for a few days and is now really red and tender.

No wonder why these poor cats keep looking at me like, "when the heck is daddy coming back". Sorry Allison and Zak...I will keep better watch from now on.

 

 

[missyouhoney811]

I am starting to get sad....my son leaves in one week for his new job.  We did so much together the past few weeks.  I will miss him so much.  Big tears will be falling soon. 

We leave Sunday morning at 7 AM for our Vegas trip and return late Wednesday night.  I already booked two shows and made the dinner reservations.  I hear the slot machines calling me now................

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Stay safe..........

Dorothy

[monicalovesjack]

What shows are you going to see???

[armaiti]

Hi everyone.  I am DONE with my chemotherapy!  Had my last session on Wednesday the 21st.  I've been tired this week...I was anemic and had to have three units of blood to bring me back up, so this was a tiring week.  But now I'm done, and I feel I will be fine.  I'm one of the lucky ones, since they caught it in time to get all the ovarian cancer out of me and the chemo was just preventative.  Now I can get back to the business of living...and I do appreciate life, much more than I was doing before this happened.  I was just waiting then, waiting to join Ishaq.  Now I know there is a lot of life left for me to live before I join him on the other side, and I'm goign to do my best while I sitll walk on this earth. 

I'm having a benefit on November 15th with the band I play with and a silent auction to raise money to pay off the rest of my medical expenses.  It will be a fun party too with lots of friends. 

It's been over three years now since Ishaq's passing.  I still miss him, and it was hard to go through all this without him.  But I learned how strong I can be, even without him here in a body by my side. 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.  And Dorothy, next year I really hope to get to Vegas...maybe if April goes in February I will too!  I'm ready to break out and have some ADVENTURES!

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Hi Monica, I will be seeing LeReve and Jersey Boys........for Jersey Boys I got VIP Seating and I am wearing a red sexy dress with my special silver dancing shoes.  I was told by the people at the front desk at the Venetian if you sit in VIP and have something red on they pick you to dance.   So, I am very hopeful that will happen to me........I stopped at Victoria Secrets tonight and pick up a red bra and of of course red panties.........I am ready...lol....of course my son will be with me so I will behave...at least this trip haha.....

Anna, I am so happy you are feeling better.  I was worried about you especially when you did not answer my emails.......it would be nice if you could come to Vegas with me.......let me know in advance so I can book the suite.......I just found out last night at one of the clubs in the Venetian they have the crowning of a cougar every Tuesday night.......I just might pop in.....My John would (is) proud of me that I am acting sooooooo silly and goofy....life is short it is meant to be lived...

Well ladies, I must get organized with my packing.  I doubt if I will sleep tonight.  Picking up my son at 5 AM which means I leave home around 4:30 AM.....no sleep for me.....

Hugs & Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Dorothy, when did you email me?  I had sent you an email a while back replying to one you sent, but I haven't gotten anything recently.  Did you use my catsartandmusic one?  That's my main email. 

Have a great trip!

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[lindat]

Anna,  So glad you have that part behind you!!  The best is yet to be, life is to be lived

I totally promise that one of these days I will meet you guys in Vegas.... but I have 2 years to go to finish my degree, so first things first.  Wish me luck on my first final exam in 45 years on Friday, please   Things are moving along pretty fast, but that's okay with me.  I am still trying to enjoy every day, but studying constantly and always worried I will fail.   My computer class has brought back so many memories of the brainstorming that Terry and I used to do when we had a computer customer with a problem, but he was the one with all the info and now I have to be the one with the info - hopefully he will be over my shoulder helping on the exam.  In reality, he will probably be smiling and saying - I told you all the answers, but you weren't listening.... now you have to depend on you.... and I am hoping to make him proud, and wishing I had listened harder..

Peace,

Linda

xoxox

[klmmdm01]

Wedding anniversary has come and gone.  The annual festival that Mark and I were so involved in every year and celebrated our anniversary (since it always fell around our anniversary and there wasn't anywhere else we would rather be than volunteering our time for a good cause and celebrating with friends) was yesterday.  Another reporter, another newspaper article, me telling my story ad nauseum, and another day when the spotlight is on the "poor widow".  Are there a set of rules on how a widow is best able to conduct herself with dignity and grace and without insane meltdowns when at a huge fundraising event where she and her husband are the main focus?  So many people looking for me, asking for me, wanting to talk to me - and me...trying to stay moving and keeping myself in the background.  I thought if I could just continue to move quietly and keep my head down, not staying in one place for too long, not hanging around and conversing with someone too long, I could gage how much more I could take and then if needed make a quick run for it.  I think I did okay.  I stayed numb and unemotional all day.  I smiled and was gracious when needed.  Patient with so many people saying all the wrong things.  Tolerant of those who were ignorant and rude.  Polite and thankful to those who tried to support me and check on me.  But overall, it was exhausting.  I'm not sure if I will continue volunteering my time for this festival.  I know I should, but it is really so very difficult.  There are so many memories and too many times without thinking I would look to see if I could find him in the crowd, especially whan I would hear someone yell "hey Mark!", and once I even thought I heard him say my name.  But then I would remember and the inner struggle to keep it together would start all over.  I'm not sure if it will get easier.   But at least I did it this year.  I was there to represent him and all the work he did and how much he loved and looked forward to this festival every year.   No other major events are on the horizon except the holidays, which I already know will be difficult.   Another major obstacle faced and only god knows how many more there will be.

Hope you all had a good weekend.  Anna, I am so happy to hear that you are doing so well.  Keep taking care of yourself. 

[monicalovesjack]

Anna - Thank you for sharing your optimism. I am so glad you are doing well!

Linda - I went back to school twelve years out of high school...I remember the anxiety. Good luck!

Dorothy - I think you are already gone, but hope that super sexy outfits gets you a nod to go on stage and dance! Hope you are having a blast.

Kim - You did it! I am so proud and even if you cannot bring yourself to attend after this year, I hope there was a least something or someone that reminded you of something silly or endearing about Mark.

I know this all so raw, but you might want to try and focus all of this interest that is still being generated toward the foundation you wish to start in Mark's name. You both spent many years attending and volunteering at this event....maybe they will allow the foundation to be a sponsor without having to pay or something like that. People do really care and want to hear about how you both bravely fought to keep him here on earth for that long. Mark put up an incredible fight and I know you would be proud to find funds to help others in that similar circumstance. Maybe you can partner with a friend or business associate that can help charge the way, as you regain the desire to even get up in the morning (afternoon).

In any case, great job ladies! Ryan and I spent the day home and I actually did housework and reclaimed the living room/dining room. Ahhhhhhhh, feels so good and I am tired! Now...hopefully I will sleep well tonight.

[klmmdm01]

So...is this it?  Is this the key to survival?  You go insane until your insanity becomes your sanity?  How does anyone get through this?!  How does someone LIVE this way?  I'm alive, I get that.  Breathing in and out, check, heart beating, check...but LIVING?  I can't wrap my brain around ever actually LIVING again.  But then again, I can't wrap my brain around wanting so much...too much...and yet knowing that I can't have what I want.  I can't have my life back.  I can't have my husband, best friend and true love back.  I can't be normal again.  I can't be me again.

I'm tired of people telling me "Give me a call if there is anything you need."  I want to just say "I'm not going to call you to exchange pleasantries or discuss the weather.  If I call you then you need to be prepared to step into my world, can you handle that?  And if it wasn't obvious, I don't need anything but what I can't have."

On the bright side, time is passing and those offers come further and further apart.  I forget that once there was a time when 99% of my problems were in the past in a week, month or maybe two.  I have to remember that once, there was such a thing as moving on.  Everyone is moving on - except me.  And I have the knowledge that I will never "move on" from this.  THIS is BIGGER than ME.  THIS is transforming me into someone I am not familiar with and into a life that is strange and frightening.   

I am trying tho.  Today I tore into my master bath.  I'm not sure if I will have to put the house on the market or not.  So, in preparation of whatever may happen, my dad is flying out in a couple of weeks and going to get projects finished that had gotten started before everything went to hell in a hand basket.  This way if I stay the project is done and if I sell the project is done.  It really sucked tho.  As I tore up the crappy linoleum floor and started tearing out the crappy old vanity; all I could think is that Mark should be here helping me.  This was something we did together.  We started this together but it will be only me finishing it.  This really sucks. 

 

[monicalovesjack]

Oh Kim --- you and I really are on the same wavelength.

TODAY Jack's Aunt, who I can tell anything to ask me if there is anything I she could do...here was how my email back to her started:

"Yes! I need my sanity back. Please send it my way, if you happen to come across it".

I know exactly how you feel. I drop a bunch of poeple off Facebook. I don't share my grief on there, but I cannot stand to even look at some people anymore.

I am glad your dad is coming...hope it helps some.

--monica