I Miss Him So...

[monicalovesjack]

Ooooohhh, I hope you don't head back home before getting my christmas card, Kim. I searched high and low for something that was unconventional and DID NOT wish you any kind of glad tidings!

Obviously I have a very excited three year old, making christmas projects at daycare and really getting into the holiday spirit. I have pushed my hard to show him spirit...we drove around looking at lights...went to see live reindeer, and Santa (alhtough he has NO interest in the big guy), and his absolute favorite...TRAIN displays.

Its now just over fours months with Jack's passing and only three weeks since my borther's death. My counseler said I would probably feel like I am back at ground zero. I didn't think that at first, but once the adrenaline of my brother's service ended and then this past weekend cramming all those fun things in for my son....I came unraveled. Jack wanted nothing more in life than to see his son grow up, and while doing so, join in him in discovering the wonders of the world. I cannot accept the unfairness of it.

On Saturday night I had a tummy-ache. There is nobody to soothe me.

Was I chosen to walk alone? Was he chosen to serve a greater purpose?                 If so, why? I don't get it. I cannot accept it. He should be home with me, with us, his family.

 

 

[Error username not found]

Hello. Long time no speak.

[aprilmoonflower]

Guess what ladies!?! Becky and I are going to meet up at the end of this month! I am excited to meet at least one of you finally!

I have spent so many dark hours on this board so it's just a really cool thing! I wish I could meet all of you! Maybe we should plan another get together!?! (Vegas just hasn't seemed to happened for all of us at once..)

Too bad we couldn't all go on a cruise or something.. How fab would that be!?! I know Dorothy would be in, who else would go!?! If we planned way ahead we could do it next winter????? (cruise prices aren't way over the top expensive either and it would be kid friendly...just sayin..)

[aprilmoonflower]

Monica & Kim- thinking of both of you..I know holidays are difficult and to face them right away after your loss is even harder. Hang in there.

[aprilmoonflower]

[user=16604]bacafly[/user] wrote:

Hello. Long time no speak.

Oh look it's Ms. Baca! Where the HECK have you been lady?

[missyouhoney811]

April, did you say cruise?  Of course I would be in. 

I am leaving for Madison Wisconsin on 12/22...spending Christmas, My Birthday and New Year's with my son.  It will be our last one on one before he gets married.  I am so looking forward to it.  Although, I know it will be very cold and snowy....I can deal with it.  Later today I am picking up a Mrs Claus costume...I plan on traveling with it on.

Things are going well for me.  Doing my exercise (with trainer), Zumba and my Ballroom Dancing. 

Keep your spirits high......I know its hard but I also know it can be done...they will always be in our hearts...never forgotten.

Love, Hugs and Blessing,

Dorothy

[lindat]

April,  where are you and Becky meeting??  Email me - linda@shorians.com  I would love to see you guys and Christmas break from school just started.  I did my last final exam tonight, now just have to wait for the grades.... 

Dorothy, hope you have an awesome time in WI.  I am going to Biloxi in Jan. to see my daughter and grandkids for a week, I can hardly wait. 

Hope everyone is doing okay, this is a really tough part of the year.  4 years ago we were still evacuated after Katrina and getting ready to spend our last Christmas together.  Terry died on Jan. 17th, I still miss him every day.  It gets easier, but it never goes away.  Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and move on even when you don't want to.  Hope you find some peace this holiday.

Linda

[mishknit]

linda and i met..here in CA..it was too short but definitely great!

i guess you'e getting a puppy april??

and dorothy, i wish i was there and could take care of your son's wedding...that's what i do!

a cruise would be amazing

and kim and monica...

i know how hard this time of year is...it really sucks and i am so sorry for what you're going thru. hang in there...ride those waves, because that' what it will be, waves of grief and feeling better and then down again.

i, like all the others..am here to tell you it does get bette, certainly different. if that's all you can hold on to now..let that be it.we are the same, no matter the circumstances of our spouses deaths,and we are right in front of you to tell you it will change, you will make it, even if you don't believe it now.

hang in,

peace, michele

[lindat]

Michele,    Hope you and Barney have an awesome Christmas!  I so enjoyed having lunch with you and we have to do it again this summer when I come out.  I just got my grade for the final I took a few hours ago - 96% - I am jazzed.   I didn't do well on the algebra exam, but I had an A going in so I should have a B or better.   Going back to school has been a real kick and I am so glad I was able to do it.   I have surprised myself   Hope you are doing okay.  Linda

[missyouhoney811]

CONGRATULATIONS LINDA!!!  Yeah!

[lindat]

Thank you  Dorothy    I don't have the grades yet.  However I did find out that I got 96.5 on the final exam last night.   Pretty cool for an older lady   By the way, in Comp class, one of my classmates wrote a short story about someone that inspired her and it made me cry cause it was about me.   This has been a wonderful experience and great for self confidence!!

[monicalovesjack]

Thanks michele, and everyone.

My boy keeps me moving, even on days when I think it is too impossible to breathe. He also makes me smile, because at the age of 3, some things are just darn funny.

I have many many pictures of our dear Jack with Ryan, but the video I have taken of Ryan, Jack has been just out of view and almost always silent! Last night Ry and I raced through bunches of video to hear Jack's voice. Sometimes he only uttered one word..."Ryan" (to get his attention to the video)....but Ry and I loved every time we heard it! Most of the time I am filming Ry and you hear Jack in the background make a comment about baseball, basketball, or football play from the tv. Ever the sports nut. We love him, we miss him. Always and forever.

Kind of strange, Ryan woke up this morning and immediately said Daddy didn't say hello. I asked him if saw daddy in his dream? He didn't say yes, but he probably doesn't understand the concept of a dream anyway. He quickly moved on...as kids do. In four plus months I have only had two dreams, both were weird, one was scary, but no Jack yet.

Tomorrow night my sister and I have to fly to the east coast (we are in Seattle), and have to enter my brother's apartment to pick up personal items and his financial docs so that we can figure how what needs to be done. This is going to be incredibly painful. My whole family is so sad at losing him. I will be relieved when this part is over. Plus I am nervous to leave my son; whenever I used to have to go out of town Jack was always home to watch our son. This whole situation is causing me so much more stress, not to mention once I get back the holidays are already in full swing. Since I am not working right now, at least I don't have to deal with office festivities.

I can do it, though. Because honestly, I just feel numb. I can easily get through the holidays because every night after my son is asleep, I still believe that Jack will be coming down the hall giving the thumbs up sign. Then we sit and talk and have our own time. My mind just won't go there, except occasionally in the wee hours of the morning when it plays the actual event in my head.

I do hope everyone has a good time with family and/or friends.  

--monica

 

[rodless]

April, cruise would be great! Congrats, Linda on making such a great comeback with school! Dorothy, I go to Wisconsin on a regular basis but have never been as far east as Madison. I think you will find it a beautiful city from what I've heard. The Mrs. Santa traveling thing will be a hoot. You'll have to tell us about it.

Weird experience yesterday. Our local newspaper runs "time capsules" with pictures. One of the pics was a Christmas parade in 1975. I looked at it and noticed the name on the store in the background because it was one Rod managed. In the store window was Rod looking out. I didn't live here or know him then but it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling.

Hope you're all dealing with the holiday stuff. I'm doing a lot better than the last three Decembers although there are some rough times. This is #4 without him. Unbelievable that so much time has gone by. Before this happened to me I would have thought by the end of the first year everything would be ok. I would have been wrong.

Mary Jo

[mishknit]

that is one heck of a wink, mary jo!!!!!!!

love it!

peace, michele

[aprilmoonflower]

I am going to check into the cruise thing. Would January/February of 2011 work for everyone? (Trying to plan waaay ahead so everyone that wants to come can plan ahead to make it happen). Please lmk what you think!

Mary Jo- I love that story about Rod and the picture!

Linda- Of course I want to meet up with you and Becky! I am going to be in Toledo visiting C's family the week after christmas..will you still be in town then? If so, let's definitely get together! oh and YES on the puppy! You know what a sucker I am for animals!

[missyouhoney811]

PERFECT TIME TO TAKE A CRUISE.........COUNT ME IN!  ALSO, IF YOU WOULD WANT ME TO GET RATES AND HELP YOU OUT.  I WOULD DO IT.......I HAVE A NIECE ON MY HUSBAND'S SIDE THAT RUNS A CRUISE LINE TRAVEL AGENCY WITH HER HUSBAND...THIS COULD BE A REASON FOR ME TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HER TO SEE IF SHE WOULD HELP US OUT........LET ME KNOW!

HAVE A HAPPY DAY........

HUGS AND BLESSINGS TO ALL....

DOROTHY

[missyouhoney811]

MARY JO, GREAT STORY ABOUT ROD.  I AM SURE IT GAVE YOU A CHILL WHEN YOU SAW HIS PICTURE. 

HOPE YOUR DAY GOES WELL.....

BLESSINGS,

DOROTHY

[aprilmoonflower]

That would be great Dorothy!

[missyouhoney811]

When we do decide on the cruise....at that time we also must decide who will be sharing staterooms together.  When I went on the cruise with my sisters and brother-in-laws I had to pay the same amount they did.  They charge double in the room even for one person.  JUST A LITTLE FOOD FOR THOUGHT......

HUGS!

Dorothy

Also, depending who all is going.....I believe some of the large staterooms can sleep 6 to 8........we have a long time to decide. 

Are you still go to Vegas February/March?

[aprilmoonflower]

well there would be 4 of us going..definitely bringing the kids so it should be kid friendly..

there are TONS of cheap cruises to the Bahamas.

I am going to try to get a gig face painting on a cruise next winter too (but that will probably be in November)

I can dream anyway..

oh and nope on Vegas Dorothy! I have a convention in Jan (and another in Orlando in May) so I needed to not do all 3..

[lindat]

I would love to go on the cruise, but I will be in school after Jan. 10 in 2011.  Perhaps I can go to the next one. 

I will be in Detroit until I leave for Biloxi on Jan. 5th.  I would love to meet you guys and Toledo isn't far from here if that is where you are meeting.  I work on Tues, Fri and Sunday - any other day would be fine.   My phone number 228-326-2355. 

I just got my grade for Composition and it was another A.  Very cool.  One more to go, the one I am worried about

MJ, great story.  Is the newspaper online, and is there a link for the story?

I tried my first pomegranate yesterday, OMG I loved it!!!  Very good for you too!!

Peace!  Linda

[aprilmoonflower]

well what if it was before Jan 10th Linda? Would  try to go? I vote for a christmas cruise personally..(I really dislike the holidays and it would be a good excuse to avoid all that!)..

Ok well just a thought, lmk!!

[lindat]

Well, if it was before the 10th, I think I would go.   It would have to be after Dec. 15th and before Jan 10.  Sounds like fun!

[aprilmoonflower]

I am just checking out random sites and there are 4 night Bahama cruises for less than $300 (for the interior rooms-deluxe rooms are $699 and this is minus airfare of course..) this is for Dec 2010..

9 nights are under $1000...though i think that would be too long for me. 4 nights an 5 days would be enough I think.. but who knows as I've never been on a cruise.. still sounds like a deal either way though! I am going to keep scoping out prices and look at cruise line ratings..Dorothy and anyone else who has been on a cruise do you have a favorite you can suggest?

I think I am going to start an email list at yahoo for this topic and for those interested here as to not clutter this board and also to make the discussion more private. I will post when I have that set up..

[aprilmoonflower]

I created the yahoogroup for chatting about the cruise!

To join go here;

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/BeyondIndigoFriends/

[missingcurtis]

I hope everyone is doing good this evening.   Today was the day.   FOUR years this evening that Curtis passed away.   I can say died but I feel calmer saying passed.

Nothing special going on.   I just pretty much spent the day alone (like most days) and talked to a couple of my sisters on the phone.   They are going to a school program tonight but I just want to stay here where it is warm.

I know sevearl of you are right there along with me.  As of today, I have lived one day longer on this earth than Curtis did.   It sucks.

You just never know do you?

Debbie..............................Missing Curtis

[lindat]

Thinking of you Debbie, sometimes it just isn't any easier....  I got my grades today and I just wish Terry was here to tell him, but he isn't and I have to go on - they would want  us to be happy, life is very short.   I just turned 63 and Terry was just past his 62nd birthday.  He only got one social security check, yes it does suck and I miss him every day.  I am living life for both of us now.

[missyouhoney811]

Linda, I will be 63 on 12/29.  My John died one month before he would have turned 63.  He always told me that I would catch up to his age. .....Who would have thought...

I am looking forward to my Christmas party at Arthur Murray's on Wednesday night.  I can't wait to put my Mrs Claus outfit on.......I'll post pictures.

It makes me happy to act goofy. 

Hugs and Blessings,

Dorothy

[lindat]

Well Dorothy,  you are just a youngster.  It seems I am about 5 weeks older than you.  I hope you have a great time at your party.   Getting back into dance lessons is high on my to do list, but gotta finish school first.   There just isn't enough hours in the day!!   Living every day to the fullest is my only priority.  Have fun on your trip.

[aprilmoonflower]

How is everyone doing?

[missyouhoney811]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all...........I hope everyone can find some small token to be happy for and possibly celebrate with joy.  We are still here to enjoy our lives  in someway.....for most, the grief is still heavy in our hearts....it will get better.  Although, the loss will never be forgotten.  Forever in our hearts.

I am getting cabin fever.  I live in God's Country above many steep hills.  I am still waiting for a city truck to come by to plow the streets.  Thank God, the garbage pick up will be here tomorrow morning. So I know as of late tonight I will no longer be snow bound. YEAH!  I can get off my hill.............I am not one for staying in the house.

I think I will pack tonight........load up the car tomorrow......and drive to the airport on Tuesday to take my wonderful flight to Madison, Wisconsin........Can't wait to see my son.  It will be great being with him for two weeks.

God Bless and take care of all of you........

Love, Hugs, Blessings & Prayers,

Dorothy

[monicalovesjack]

Hi folks,

I am back from Boston, and not a moment too soon. It would have been so much more stressful if we had gotten stuck in snow. The trip went well...very emotional having to go into my brother's place and take care of things. It was also enlightening in the way that we found he had started taking an anti-depression medication the week he died. I have been startled to read the number of medication related suicides surrounding this med, especially during the first week of use.

So anyway...that is all I plan on sharing about that. I think it was a horrible tragedy that happened to an awesome person who was just trying to seek help.

So --- my first Seattle Christmas since my Jack (Ryan's [3] daddy) past away in July. Not even five months. I have over-spent on gifts, becuase I am sad that Jack does not get the opportunity to pick some out.

I am happy when we drive in the car and look at the xmas lights. I am sad that my nights are so empty. I am happy that I have family around. I am sad that family issues are stressing me out.  I am happy that Ryan remembers his daddy, everday. I am sad that he is three years old at the moment, and can be a such a pain and add to the daily stress. I am happy that I have one close friend who lets me be, me. There is no down side to that one. :-)

I do hope we all find some a little happiness during the holidays.

[klmmdm01]

I'm back home for the holidays.  Not feeling all that festive.  The 23rd will be 6 months and then of course, Xmas, my birthday and then New Years.  Bracing myself.   I have an old friend here whose daughter will be having a small wedding on the 23rd, she has asked me to be the photographer.  I started with the fact that I didn't bring my camera, she continued to insist, then I tried to explain that I am really  not ready to participate in weddings yet, and she countered that it would mean alot to her, I finally just informed her that the 23rd will be the 6 month anniversary of Mark's passing, I am staring down Xmas with dread, and being a part of a wedding would probably send me right over the emotional edge and I would (as well as everyone else in attendance) then be mortified.  So...she asked that I think about it.  I am thinking I may have to hire a photographer for this small and intimate event and ask they consider it a "gift". 

[monicalovesjack]

Yowza...sounds like she doesn't know when the heck to back off!

Just continue to be honest with her, so that she doesn't think you are participating and then blame you later for no pictures being taken at her wedding!

I hope you are finding some comfort being back at home. Did you bring your dogs with you?

[armaiti]

I was at a lovely Solstice/music party last night.  It was held at the house Ishaq lived in when he first came to Oregon, and the built the temple building out back that we were sitting and singing in.  His twins were born in the house.  Of course, this was years before I even met him, so it doesn't seem strange to be there.  Just sweet, so many good friends of mine and his, and many remembrances of him.  I sang one of the songs that he and I always sang together, "Light of the Sun"...the chorus goes:

"There is within us all

   a search for the stars,

A thirst for what was,

   and shall be again...

There is within us all

   a limitless space

A state of grace

And the light of the sun..."

It fits so well the way I feel about him, about our life together, and about the future.  I'll be with him again, I know.  But now it's the time to be here.  Solstice marks the turning of the year, for me  - all new possibilities come with the returning light.  It's been a tough three and half years, and I'm ready for some good stuff to flow into my life.  I'm grateful that I'm alive, that the cancer was caught at an early enough stage to be curable, that my hair is growing back (though the hair on my legs was the FIRST to grow back, of course!).   I'm grateful for friends, and music, and my cats, and my family, my spiritual practices, and the glorious beauty of nature...yesterday, just to get away from crowds and Xmas frenzy, I went up to the south end of town, to a lovely wild place where only an occasional car whooshed by on the road, and mostly all I heard where the birds and the squirrels and the frogs.  It was warm here yesterday, the promise of spring returning.

And mostly I am so grateful that I found my true love, and for the wonderful 10 and 1/2 years we had together, and for the visits we still have, across the barriers of time and physical form...

Wishing you all peace,

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Monica- I'm so sorry to hear that about your brother! How shocking! I hope you will try to talk about it sometime (somehow) and raise awareness about this. That is just. not. right. I know alot of anti depressants have warnings but, just wow. Is it worth the risk? (obviously no!) again, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this pain on top of another. Take good care of yourself and I will be thinking of you.

Kim- that woman is pushing! I'm glad you stood up for yourself but next time just tell her upfront NO WAY, I would cry through the whole thing. I mean really? What does she expect? (talk about tactless!)

Anna- Glad to hear you are doing well.

 Happy solstice everyone!

[monicalovesjack]

I find such comfort in coming to this site to listen and share.

At this moment, I have a little something to share. This evening I helped my son create his first gingerbread house. (Ryan - 3)

Happy Holidays

 

[armaiti]

That's wonderful, Monica!  And your son is sooo cute!

We are all here for you, and for each other.  No one else "gets" it, especially this time of year when there is such an emphasis on "being jolly".  Though I did get a laugh the other day when I saw Santa riding a Harley down one of our streets...

Happy Solstice everyone, and may the Returning Light bring all of you peace, and an easing of your grief....

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[lindat]

Monica, that is really cool, great job!!!   So glad you are finding some peace here, it does get easier.  The holidays and birthdays are the hardest and will be for a few years.   I think this is really the first Christmas without the dark cloud for me, and it is the 4th one without my Terry, he died on Jan. 17th, 2006.   I feel so blessed to have found these wonderful strong women, we have been through sooo much together.   Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a healthy, peaceful New Year!  xoxox

[aurora]

Merry Christmas everybody! May you find peace in the new year!

[rodless]

Hope everyone gets through Christmas without too many problems. #4 for me without Rod. I will be by myself as weather prevented my kids from getting home but I will be ok. I will get to see them over the weekend if the snow stops. And I have plans New Year's weekend with my mom and brother. No travel anywhere around here although this morning it's still ok in town. We have another foot or so of snow predicted and the wind is really supposed to pick up.

Lots of movies (if power stays on) are the best escape for me. I'm at work til noon and then think I will pick up a pizza and settle in. I am more at peace with things this year. Have been enjoying the music and lights but I have really pared gifts, cards and other stuff down to minimum. Priorities have changed a lot in the past 3 years.

Thinking of all of you who like me are without that special guy in their lives. I've found that the memories that used to hurt so bad are now a comfort and make me smile. I hope that will be true for all of you too.

Mary Jo

[monicalovesjack]

Just a quick post...reminding myself to breathe in breathe out. I am kind of in a panic.

My son and I had a wonderful day out getting last minute stuff done. We are tracking santa, etc. but as the sun has now set and my boy has settled down to watch some tv, my insides are doing flip flops and I find myself with a really bad empty feeling.

I am waiting until he goes to bed, so that I can wrap gifts..which is in another two hours. 

Gosh I hope I can keep this contained. I don't want to be all puffy-eyed tomorrow. 

Hope you all are making it through.

 

--monica 

[missingcurtis]

Merry Christmas.

Spending the evening alone with my memories.  I have been invited to dinner tomorrow and I know they really expect me to show up.  They already opened their presents so I don't have to sit though all of that. 

Talked to my guy friend on the phone.  We have remained friends through thick and thin over the last 4 years.  Funny how losing my husband and best friend, led me to be friends with one of his friends.  We both know we will just remain friends but I get comfort from knowing we can talk through things.

I noticed  my feelings have changed over 4 years time.  I look at people and things differently.   I was never a big "people person" and I still do not like to be in big groups.   I can relate so much better on a one to one situation.

Hope everyone gets to spend Christmas with someone they love.

Debbie..................................Missing Curtis 

[klmmdm01]

Wishing everone peace and comfort on this day.  I hope the memories that live in your heart will keep you strong and you may, even for a minute, find serenity.

I am sitting here alone (I chose on this first Christmas without my love to be alone, I refuse even to answer the phone) watching the blizzard out the window.  Mark would have loved this.  A white Christmas.  A real blizzard, he had never seen one.  And with only fools trying to get any where he would have settled in comfortably and contently with a smile on his face, egg nog and rum in hand, fire place roaring, and pestering my mom with Christmas present opening deadlines.  My mom always made Mark wait to open presents until she was sure he was going to burst.  I surround myself with these memories today like a warm blanket.  They bring so many tears, but the memories are in fact, the only comfort and joy I will find on this Christmas Day.

Peace

Kim   

[lindat]

My daughter in MS called early this morning to let me know that the grandma that stayed with them so I could leave after Terry died, passed away this morning.  She got cancer right after I did, but it had a different ending...  I feel very sad and very blessed to have a future.   I am going to visit them in a little more than a week. 

My sister's granddaughter is 4 and she was hospitalized a few days ago with a lung infection.  Yesterday they figured out that she is much worse and transferred her by ambulance to Children's hospital in Detroit.  They think that she may have MRSA - not good.  We lost 2 family members to MRSA last year, so needless to say we are very worried.  

This is not the Christmas that I planned for, but it is what it is.   Hope all of you are finding some peace today....  xoxox

[armaiti]

Linda, so sorry to hear of all this!  I'm sending you hugs, and all of you on the board.

I went with a friend to see Avatar today.  It is amazing.  It left me speechless.  Of course, the Na'vi in the movie follow a spiritual tradition so close to what I believe that it really touched me in a deep place.

The hard part was coming home and not having Ishaq here to talk to about it.  He would have loved it.  His dad and stepmom and sisters and all called me though and left me a lovely message, and I called back when I got home.  Now I'm here staying warm with the cats...and killing some time reading about the created language of Na'vi used in the movie.  Maybe I'll learn it for something to do!

Peace to all of you on this day.  It is not easy without our beloveds by our side, but they are with us always in spirit...that love never dies.

Love and Blessings and Eywa ngahu!

Anna Armaiti

[lindat]

When we visited the baby this morning, she looked worse, but the Drs. think she is a little better.  Her lung collapsed yesterday and they may drain it on Monday.  They are hoping she will stabilize a little more before they do that.  They are encouraged because she isn't worse and usually MRSA gets worse.   It definitely is a staph infection, but they think she is finally responding to antibiotics.   I think the first hospital may have been giving her too little, but what do I know.  

I talked to my daughter and she and the kids are a little better today.   The grandma was very sick for the last few months and needed round the clock care so everyone had to pitch in and help.   My daughter and her husband now work opposite shifts so that they could take turns being there.  As many of you know this is the last in a long line of deaths for this family, and I think it is getting easier for them to handle.  My grandson is now 11 and he has lost his stuff in Katrina, his grandpa, his stepmom, his dad, his dog and now his other grandma - he lived with all of them at one time or another, so not sure how he handles it all.  I hope to live long enough to get his take on all this when he is much older.

Anna, when things calm down I am going to see Avatar.  We tried to go the other night but were 5 minutes late and they wouldn't let us in.   I am now determined.

My daughter wants to go see Nine when I go to MS.  

Hope everyone has a healthy, happier New Year!!  xoxox

[mishknit]

oh linda..

so sorry!

i hope your neice is better soon..so scary!

meanwhile, for me...

it's over, christmas #4.....and i'm glad.

had no idea really how tense i was about it, but have done NOTHING today...

and that's fine.

almost 4 year anniversary....once i'm past that there's respite for a while.

i loved him so, miss him so...

and am so grateful for the time we had together.

life keeps moving on, and i'm happy i'm in it.

it does get better, but it takes a long time, don't let anyone tell you different.

peace,

michele

[monicalovesjack]

Linda - I hope your little neice (grand-neice) is improving. I am keeping good thoughts for her.

I also am happy that my frist christmas is now behind me. I was asked today what my plans are for the New Year's Eve. I said, "when is that"? Oh of course, that is tomorrow....just another day without my dear Jack. Let's see...I have lost the love of my life, and I have a three year old. Where do you think I will be?

I do have to say...my (in limbo) in-laws were so wonderful. I went to Jack's mothers house on xmas morning and then to my own family in the afternoon. We are so welcome there, and it is not akward at all. Jack's family has been so kind and always checks up on me. Jack's grandma (on his father's side) is also so gracious. I met with his Aunt yesterday and had lunch. Then she insisted we go to some stores, so that she could buy goodies for Ryan and I. They are all very supportive, and I always try to keep in mind that they are hurting too.

I made a desk calendar for all the families, through Walgreens. It highlights mainly our son, but there are many pics of Jack and Ry. It was well received, everyone seemed to love it. I went through some of the digital moments and asked my son...so, he picked some of them. I found comfort in making it, maybe because I have embedded some precious moments into 2010 and I feel desperate to keep hold of all the love we have in our lives.

---monica

[klmmdm01]

Happy new year.

Linda - You haven't posted in awhile, I hope everything is going well for the baby and her health is progressing in a positive way and you are able to relax.

Monica - you are so fortunate that your inlaws are loving and supportive at a time when you and Ryan need them the most.  I wish mine could be.  It still confuses me when I think about it since there were no past transgressions and I considered them my family as well.  I thought they felt the same.

The new year is here.  A new decade upon us.  In the last 6 months it seems that everyone I know has announced a new pregnancy or engagement.  I am told to "Mark your calendar!" for an upcoming baby shower or wedding.  2010 will be chock full of nuptials and ultrasound pictures.  I want to be happy and excited for my friends - I really do - but I don't feel anything at all.  Or if I do allow myself to feel anything it is more along the emotional lines of bitterness and envy.  And then anger at myself because I want to be sincerely happy for my friends.  I continue to feel bad because I do not want to attend these happy celebratory events.  I do not want to be front and center, alone, faking my way through a day that is a painful reminder of how I lost my husband and with that loss went any chances of having the baby we wanted.  I do not like feeling sorry for myself, but that is exactly what I am doing, and I want spare my friends from seeing this ugly side of my grief.