I Miss Him So...

[mishknit]

"this is transforming me into someone i'm not familiar with and a life that is strange and frightening"

yes.

yes.

how can that not happen? right on target.

it's how we handle that transformation..monica, kim....

there is no going back, there is no moving on...

just moving forward, thru whatever life throws at us.

getting the house ready to sell if you have to?

smart.

but painting and putting in any amenities that totally suit you as you do it in case you can keep it...smarter.

you were supposed to do it with him,

but you're not.

and almost 4 years on and looking at a bathroom that needs to be redone, you're message made me realize that, while i may not have the talent to put it back together, i sure as hell can pull it apart...GREAT therapy!!

not to scare you..but it is a process.i tend to have my hardest times from halloween thru jan 21...which was they day tom suddenly died. so a bathroom teardown...yes!!!!

and i have't had to sell yet.

peace,

michele

[missyouhoney811]

Hi Ladies! I got back from Vegas around 3:30 AM....I had a fantastic time with my son.  I took my lottery winnings from Pittsburgh and played in Vegas on the slots.  I did really well......lets just say I had to sign a form for IRS.  I will talk to you all later.  I am very tired so I think I will call it a day and go to sleep.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[klmmdm01]

Apparently yesterday was Anger Release Day.  It didn't start out that way.  It was the fault of a garden implement of destruction.  You see, there is this area around the what will become a patio that my husband was working on.  Digging out and eventually putting in a retaining wall, etc.  I noticed yesterday that nothing had been done with that area and now it was just weeds that have gotten a good hold over the spring and summer.  So I went to get the hoe.  But the handle had broken so now it was just a 12 inch piece of wood sticking out of a piece of metal.  And that is when I got mad.  I started beating at the weeds with a broken hoe.  And then I started yelling at the world in general and crying.  I forgot I was in my backyard on a Saturday afternoon.  When I started this little project neighbors were also in their respective backyards, when I finished all neighbors were now indoors.  I am now officially the "crazy lady" in the neighborhood.  However, on the productive side, the weeds were no match against me and progress was made.  And personally, it was a relief to be so physically exhausted I could no longer lift my arms.        

[monicalovesjack]

Today....Monday.

I picked my son up from daycare at 5:15pm...it was already dark.

We drove to the store, before heading home.

Felt for a moment that I was forgetting something. Was there something I needed at the store?? What was it?

Drove for about two blocks then it hit...a tidal wave of fear...then tears.

Somehow the early darkness today reminded me that no one is home to greet us. No one is going to call and remind me to pick up juice, or just wonder where we are.

I am missing my life, as it was....

It hurts so much...I cannot stand it.

 

[klmmdm01]

Monica,

I know exactly what you mean.  I hate it that winter is coming.  The house will be dark when I get home.  Too cold to hang out outside.  Being in the house causes me to feel clausterphobic and it gets too quiet.  And no one to snuggle up to when I crawl into a cold bed at night.  The fear of an empty house....

[rodless]

I wish I had a magic eraser to take aways all of the insanity and feelings you describe. Been there done that with all of it. Just know there are lots of us out here who really understand where you are.

[aprilmoonflower]

I can relate a bit. Though I must be a weirdo as I LOVE to be alone. I crave solitude...as long as I have internet anyway. lol.

seriously though..it will get better. I promise. Is there anything you an do to make you WANT to be at home? Maybe get a bread machine so there is bread baking when you get there? Music on a timer? I know it may sound hokey but it' the little things..

Anyway I hope you all are getting through it. nowhere else to go but through. keep pushing on. it will get less dark, less lonely. I promise. for now though you need to take good care of YOU and that's all you need to do.

[missyouhoney811]

April, I thought you were with someone......did you not find a new love??? 

[aprilmoonflower]

Oh I am Dorothy but I still crave solitude. I actually liked being single, remember? ANd it is for just that reason. I loved living alone. I am one that craves isolation though and I really only like to socialize on my terms. hehe, but alas life takes us in unexpected directions and "out of our box" so to speak!!!

[missyouhoney811]

You are too funny April.....It is unbelievable how life continues its path.  After reaching the three year and beyond mark how your thoughts change.  Although, the love will always be in my heart for my husband, John.  It is now my life to do with as I wish and I try to enjoy it to the best of my ability and I do.....

Hoping one day we will meet.....

Hugs, Love and Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Does anyone live near Madison, Wisconsin?  My son will come home for Thanksgiving I am thinking of going to Wisconsin for Christmas......let me know..

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

This last year has been a HUGE adjustment for me compared to the 3 years prior! Whoaaa! I guess it has to be more with the issue of being on the east coast (I am a west coast girl) but we will be here for at least another 2 years if not a little longer. I think it's just hard having a "new" life so to speak. I feel traumatized by my old one anyway!

[missingcurtis]

Good Afternoon,

I still come and read the posts but don't post very often.  It is going on 4 years in December that Curtis passed away.   I am sorry to see all the new ladies. 

Keep coming in here and posting and reading, it helps.

I think we draw strength from each other and knowing we are not alone.

Debbie...........

[klmmdm01]

Kudos to Mark's best friend.  He succeeded on getting me out of the house once again.  No small feat, I assure you.  This time to a Chili Cook off.  We had friends doing their thing.  Another friend met us there and all was well until I realized that when I was being introduced it was still "This is Mark's wife."  I get it, Mark was always the outgoing one.  I was more subdued and hung back and let him be the social butterfly.  It was what he did best and he loved the attention.  I was content in knowing and understanding that few knew my name and was always known as "Mark's wife."  And now....it is still a comfort that my identity has not changed and by association Mark is still remembered.  But at the same time it really hurt.  I got through the day.  But as I am sure you all understand, even a few hours of acting "normal" is draining.  Add to it that everyone around you is trying to act normal and it begins to feel like a dog and pony show.  I miss him.  I need him.  And when all is said and done and I am back home and the day of acting is over all I can think of is how am I supposed to do this without him?  How can I continue this act?   

[armaiti]

It is really hard to go out and do things, especially that first year.  Ishaq died a week before his son's wedding, and I went to that, spending the weekend with his family in a house on the coast, so at least we were all together - his family and I are really close.   But it was hard going out and doing things.  I went to a close friend's for Thanksgiving that year and it was so very hard even though she and I are so close, just knowing that I would never share this with Ishaq again. 

Now it's been over three years,and things have gotten easier, though I still miss him every day.  His sister and her husband were here for the last week and a half visiting, which was great, especially since I was pretty wiped out after my last chemotherapy treatment.  But now I'm done with that and I realize I do want to live, and live well, and be open to whatever the future holds for me.  Ishaq is still with me and always will be...I had three dreams with him this last week, more than I've had during my whole treatment.  It was like he was keeping his distance until I learned how to get through this on my own.   There were times before this that I really felt I was ready to join him, that I really WANTED to join him.  And then I had the chance to, when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I could have done It nothing and been with him pretty quickly.  But I chose life.  And I was lucky - the cancer hadn't spread so it could be successfully removed, and the chemo wasn't too hard and was more preventative than curative, so I should be fine.  I don't feel that this will be coming back, as long as I do my best to live my life in a positive way.

I know it feels like it will never be better, but time does ease the pain.  It's never completely gone, but in some ways you just learn to live with it.  You find that you can laugh and smile again, that you can enjoy going out to dinner with friends or to hear some music, or just walk in nature and see all the beauty that there is in the trees and waters.   It just takes time...and time does move slowly, especially the first year or two.

Blessings,

Anna

[klmmdm01]

Anna,

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I wish I had a continued relationship with my inlaws.  I make attempts to call and talk and try and bridge the gap.  However, they created the gap and they won't close it unless they choose to do so.  I don't have any big expectations.  I understand completely about wanting to join your husband in the next life.  I wonder for myself tho, if like you, I would choose life.  I guess one never truly knows until the question is asked and you have to commit to an answer.

So far a good day.  Good day meaning I didn't wake up and begin to cry.  Still holding strong. 

[monicalovesjack]

Since I am not working, I have been really hitting the gym hard. The endorphins (sp?) have helped me to push through the grief on a couple of days. It doesn't always work though. I was on the eliptical this morning and my head was a million miles away having a breakdown. Luckily tears and sweat look like the same thing running down my face.

I am sort of amazed though....people tell me I am strong....I have believed in my strength all my life.....but people just don't realize how deep the pain runs, when you have lost your soulmate. My strength is no match for this grief. I am amazed by how quickly it can jab me in the gut, make me ache all over, and worm its way through my brain picking at the memories.

This grief - Is it meant to taunt me about what I have lost? or remind me of the love I had and have in heart because of knowing him... loving him? 

 

[missyouhoney811]

Monica, my feelings were the same as you are having now.  I started doing ZUMBA and it helped me through my grieving process.  Zumba (Latin Exercise Dancing) has given me a rebirth on my life.  I do Zumba 5-6 times a week and Ballroom Dancing 3 evenings a week (9 hours a week).........keep myself busy by working out and staying healthy...

Today is 39 months for my John..............I went to visit him and took a bottle of beer and put it into the ground for him...I talked to him for a good 45 minutes.  No tears were shed.  I am not saying that I do not have moments but the majority of time I am joyful and thankful that he was in my life.  I thank God everyday.....

Blessings,

Dorothy 

[aprilmoonflower]

Monica- I think there is a quote that goes something like "Grief is love recognized"..

[trishinca]

I have not visited this site for a while.  Have not had much of an opportunity to share with others lately.  I am realizing I need to reconnect with those that have gone through similar situations.

What Michele said about the time of year is true.  I want to just shut down from now (it started on my b-day in October), until January 23.  That will be the three year anniversary of my Tom's passing.

I have had some ups in these last years, mostly travel and spending time with my adult children.  Socializing is difficult, though.  I come home and I just want to stay here.  My bed is my favorite place, being in front of the TV is second.  I know I am missing out on many thing in life, I just can't get beyond this wall.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Patty

[monicalovesjack]

Thanks Dorothy. I looked at Zumba...that looks fun. There is a place here where you can jump in a class without commitment and its during the day. My gym has it, but only one night a week. I'm gonna see if I can get it one next week, see if I like it. I like those kind of classes where you have fun and the hour flies by!

Patty - thanks for coming back and posting today. I am trying to grasp my fiance' passing (7/30/09), and cope with just daily life. If I didn't have a three year old, I know I would have such a hard time getting out of bed. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It is such a struggle; and I feel exhausted and empty.

 

--Monica

 

[missyouhoney811]

Monica, I am so glad to hear you found a place to take Zumba.  Not only is it so much fun it also does the mind and body good.....don't give up after your first try.  At 11:00 AM today I am going downtown and meeting up with many people from the various schools of Arthur Murray Dancing..........We are having a Dancing Tournament which will end at nine this evening.  I am looking forward to a very long fun filled day.  We will be breaking and having dinner at 5PM.  My son turned in some of his points so I could spend a night at the Westin Hotel and not worry about coming home until tomorrow afternoon.  The Ballroom we are dancing at is in the Westin Hotel......

God Bless and keep your spirits high.

Dorothy

[missingcurtis]

Good Afternoon,

It is always good to come in here and read and see how others are doing.  It will be 4 years next month since Curtis passed away.

The day after Thanksgiving, the 27th, would have been our 40th Wedding anniversary.  From then until December 14th will be the hardest.  I will just try to stay away from people who do not understand.  My family is pretty understanding in many ways.   I don't think they will really understand until any of them go through this.  but I don't wish that off on anyone.

Hope everyone  has a good Thanksgiving and finds something to be thankful for.

Debbie

[monicalovesjack]

I don't know how to begin to cope with my life today.

Losing Jack (7/30/09) has been the most gut wrenching event for me.

Now, yesterday one of my brother's has taken his own life.  

I am in absolute shock.

[armaiti]

Monica, I am so sorry.  I am keeping you in my prayers.

Blessings,

Anna

[klmmdm01]

Monica,

I am so sorry, sweetie.  I know there isn't anything anyone can say to help you make sense out of what has all occurred in the last few months.  Hang in there, I'll call you soon.

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm so sorry Monica. (((hugs)))

[missyouhoney811]

sorry Monica....you are in my prayers.

Hugs and Blessings................

[lindat]

Monica, so sorry to hear about your brother!   Hang in there, lots of hugs and prayers coming your way.   Linda

[mishknit]

oh monica, i am so, so very sorry to hear about your brother.

what an awful lt to deal with.

i pray that you have some good support and loving friends and family to help you thru and share this burden.

i am deeply sorry.

michele

[missingcurtis]

Good Afternoon,  

Just keeping touch this week and probably will more often through December.  I just need the support from here.

In the last nearly 4 years, I have had a lot of time to myself, to think of who I am.

I don't always llike who I am and yet I think I have changed since Curtis passed away.   I just wish I could let go of the sadness that comes over me at times.

I would just like to be loved and held again.  I think I miss the physical connection more than I thought I would.  I have people to talk to on the phone and friends to visit with but I miss holding hands while shopping and watching TV.   And having somone to suggle up with.

But I do have my memories.

Debbie.........................Missing Curtis

[aprilmoonflower]

Debbie- I totally know how you feel. We are about on the same time length. (it was 4 years since D died Aug 25) I have a new partner now but it doesn't make things any easier or less lonely at times as he really has no clue what it means to be widowed with 2 small children..or the new issues a new relationship has brought into my life. I have realized what a loner I am though (he is not so it causes us issues at times)..live and learn, right?? Have you thought about dating at all? Not that is a solution AT ALL, but you just never know,right? If you aren't wanting to date that's ok too. I totally understand. Either way hang in there.

[missingcurtis]

Hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving day.   We were married 40 years ago on a sunny Thanksgiving Day.   And for all of the 36 years we were together, we had a 4 day weekend together.  Even if our Anniversary fell on the following Monday, we still spent our 4 days together.  Including the last one.

We had to travel to Oklahoma City on Thursday afternoon because he was scheduled for chemo on Friday morning.  All we could find open was a hamburger place.  So we had hamburger and fries to eat.  He had a Chocolae sundae too.

Then on Friday, they were unable to do the chemo and so we went back home.   We had a Thanksgiving dinner at his niece's house on Sunday evening and went out to eat on Monday night.

2 1/2 weeks later he was gone.   I am left to carry on alone and I don't think I am doing a very good job of it.

Each year is easier but the ache has not gone away.

Debbie...........................Missing Curtis

[armaiti]

I'm sending love and hugs to all of you as the holidays gather steam...and especially to those new folks here, where this is the first holiday season you are facing without your beloved at your side.  This will be my fourth without Ishaq.  I'm spending it with his son and daughter in law and our granddaughter, his daughter is also coming up.  I'm excited to see them all, but part of me wants to just stay home with the cats and watch old DVDs of Buffy and Charmed and just ignore the whole holiday thing.  I probably will mainly ignore Christmas, Ishaq was much more into it than I ever was.  A lot of my friends mainly do Solstice celebrations, and that's what I'll focus on this year, I think. 

I do have a lot to be thankful for..  I had ten and a half wonderful years with my true soulmate, and I have quite a few friends who haven't found that.  And I have my health, I'm all done with the cancer/chemo thing and I know I will be fine with no reoccurance.  The days here have been lovely and warm, I have a ton of great friends, a supportive community, and Ishaq's family are awesome - they really adopted me as one of their own, and accept me with all my odd ways. 

We are a bunch of amazing strong women, to get through each day with what we've been through.  And I'm thankful for finding you all here as well, who have helped me get through these years with love and understanding.

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving......I just came home.. picked my son up at the airport and went out for a bite and a few drinks.  It was so great seeing him again..I truly missed him this past month since he relocated to Madison, Wisconsin. He loves his new job and is doing well.  Thanksgiving will be spent over my sons friends house.  I am making the stuffing and mashed potatoes.  No stuffing that damn bird this year for me lol........I will be sitting back and enjoying the entire day sipping on some wonderful red wine or scotch..........maybe I'll do both..Just great having him home even tho he will be returning to Madison Sunday evening...life is what it is....keep happiness in your heart when it comes your way.

Love, Hugs & Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Thanksgiving~ ahhh. Bittersweet. I have 2 sick kids but we will stay home and cozy up and eat pumpkin pie and bake cookies and some other yummy veggie food. I am thankful for alot this year. Including all of you!!! Hope everyone has a good day and weekend, thinking of you all!

[klmmdm01]

Happy Thanksgiving to all.  I hope you all a wonderful day. 

[missingcurtis]

I had a good day with family and friends.  Relaxed after dinner and took a nap.  Spent a little time thinking of how things used to be and then tomorrow I will go to the cemetery. 

We would have been married 40 years on Friday.  I have finally chosen to forgive his family for how they treat me.  I have accepted that after 36 years, I never did fit into that family.  I am thankful for my own family and my friends who all love me.

Debbie......................................Missing Curtis

[monicalovesjack]

hello all,

Sounds like there was some holiday cheer, and that's a good thing.

Because my family is now dealing witht the loss of my brother, we had abandoned thanksgiving.

Jack's mother invited us for dinner, and so my son and I went there for thanksgiving. My sadness for Jack and now my brother really had prevented me from being enthusiastic about it, but I am so glad that I went.

Jack's family (as always) was so gracious and the food was nice, plus now that my son is 3 he interacts more instead of just trying to grab anything shiny. Ryan had a blast running around with his cousin, playing with toys, lincoln logs, and videos. They really bonded this year, and I loved watching that. Jack would have loved to watch his son run around his childhood home, having such fun. Jack was definitely missed yesterday.

My brother's service is tomorrow, Saturday. This has been a longer than normal process, since he lived in Boston there was a service over there last weekend. Now his girls (13 and 11) and his ex-wife have flown in for the service tomorrow. We are so sad to see the girls without their dad. The three of them normally come out every summer and stay a week. Tomorrow will be hard. But since they have had another longer week, hopefully we can find some time to smile and laugh before they go back home.

[missyouhoney811]

My prayers go out to you Monica...

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missingcurtis]

Monica, I know it sounds hard but maybe you could take your son and your nieces and do something just for them.   Is there a mall open where they could go get an ice cream sundae or some favorite thing.  

I think children need to know that it is ok to be sad and to be happy.  They will miss their dad but they also need to know that he would want them to remember him in a good way.

I was 48 when my mother passed away and I still want to call her.  And she so loved Christmas.  I have to smile when I see pretty wrapped presents.  My mom would would have loved each and every one of them.

Hope you make it through the weekend and have some good memories to share later.

Debbie

[klmmdm01]

Okay, Thanksgiving is over.  Good.  Christmas is just around the corner.  Stupid commercials and good cheer and everyone's bliss over the holiday just makes me want to scream "shut up!"  I want to lock myself in the house and close the blinds so that I don't have to see or hear anything and then I will emerge sometime after Jan. 1st.  It should be easy to do.  It isn't as if I have anyone to shop for, decorate for, bake for or have a wrapped gift to shake and guess its content.  My anxiety is at excrutiating levels.  I want to just claw my skin off and release the pressure that is inside.  The crazy inside of me is demanding to be released and run free.  So far tho I have been able to acknowledge it in small doses and keep it under control. 

Monica, talk to you soon.  So happy you were able to relax for even a few hours and find some joy in Ryan.  My thoughts and positive energy go to you and yours during this time of overwhelming confusion.  Take care. 

[armaiti]

I first came to this board in December of 2006, and Christmas was driving me nuts.  Which one of you - Mary Jo?  Michele? - suggested taking out the lighted reindeer with a paintball gun?  All this enforced cheer can be really annoying when you are grieving.  At least after the 21st, the days start getting longer.

I'm at home with a nasty cold - a little parting gift from my granddaughter!  Oh well, at least I don't worry about being a wee bit sick now that the chemo is behind me.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

anna...

think that was mary jo...tho we ALL agreed heartily!

sorry to hera you have a cold...take care.

and kim and monica....hang in, write here...it will be hard, yes it will.....

but you will get thru it, believe it or not.

sending strength..

michele

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

It is sad that Christmas is supposed to be a happy time and all it seems to me is a very sad time.

I have all these memories of Christmas past growing up.  My mother always made Christmas so much fun and we were happy are carefree.  After she passed away, I get so sad when I see pretty trees and presents.

I lost my husband 2 weeks before Christmas in 2005.  Last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, would have been our 40th anniversary.  Then the 14th, it will be 4 years since Curtis passed away.  Then Christmas is just around the corner.  And both our birthdays were in January.  So I would be happy to tear December and January completely off my calander.

To the new ladies, you will get through it.  Time does heal although someone told me, "No one can take away your memories."  Keep them in your heart.

Debbie.......................................Missing Curtis

[monicalovesjack]

Thanks all. Today is December 1st, plus with the hectic past two weeks I had, today I did nothing. Took my son to daycare, did enough grocery shopping to get us through for two days then went home and slept. It felt wonderful.

I have been on the phone non-stop since my brother's death on the 16th, making arrangements for the service etc. Yesterday Jack has been gone for 4 months. I just kept looking at his pic the past few weeks. I know, he would be so upset about my brother and would be doing anything and everything to help me get through this. He did...I felt him encouraging me to be strong.

I am going to take the rest of the week to just relax, get a massage, clean up around here, etc.

I appreciate all of you who are brave enough to post during the holidays. Whether you are able to find some joy with family and friends, or if you just need to hide until the new year. Your words comfort and inspire me.

 

[rodless]

Becky and I went back and forth December of 2006 with the paintball idea. It kept us sane at a time we were about nuts with all the holidya hohoho stuff that was happening around us.

I'm actually in Branson going to a lot of Christmas concerts and seeing lights. Doing the paid traveling companion thing with my mom. I wouldn't have been able to handle it before this year but I've having a good time....even with the fact that there are a lot of couples on the bus. I find myself thinking about how much fun it would have been to do something like this with Rod but he would have never wanted to go as part of a group and we wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway.

I think I am supposed to be here. There is an older man from our town who I've known casually for a long time. He lost his wife last year. They traveled constantly and he's having a really rough time as this is the first time he's gone alone. I've listened to him quite a bit and I think I have helped him.

Anyway, I hope you are all getting through. Some days that's all you can do. I had a really bad day last Saturday but managed to cope and get myself turned around forward again. Even afer 3 1/2 years sometimes it's still devastating.

Mary Jo

[rodless]

Monica,

I'm so sorry about you're going through. I don't check this board as often as I used to but I still care about what's happening here. It saved my sanity many many times. Take care of yourself!

Mary Jo

[klmmdm01]

I guess I will be going back home for Christmas this year.  My parents won't make a big deal out of it and are actually planning to travel across state to spend the 24th and 25th with other family.  I am free to go or I can stay at the house - it's up to me.  I think I will just stay at the house and watch movies.  I am starting to isolate myself more and more.  No one understands the loss, the heaviness, the exhaustion and fear that is faced everyday.  I am nearing the 6 month mark and many think I should start to be over it by now and be able to "control" my feelings.  I have been told I should just enjoy Christmas and choose to be happy.  I wish I had a choice over how I feel.  But I don't.  This I have come to realize is not a situation where there is "mind over matter"  but rather "matter over mind".  I also wish that I could say that after many, many months of going so deep within myself that I will discover new strengths and understandings and I will come out on the other side with a sense of confidence and fearlessness.  But I can't.  I don't know when I will see the other side or if I will and what that will hold or who I will be.  It is hard to explain to people.  They still believe they have some control over their life and destiny and with all things you can choose to be happy.  I just laugh.  One thing I have very clearly learned is that a person has very little control over the big picture.  You can plan your day but don't waste your time planning your life.  And no one can reign in and control grief.   

[armaiti]

Wow, it really bugs me that people say you should be "moving on" at six months!  This is something I think we all went through, with people who had no clue whatsoever about what it feels like to lose the love of your life.  One I got is "I know just what you are going through since my mother died recently" except that person was going home to her loving husband to help her with her grief!  It is so very different when you lose your partner.  And six months is so very early in the process...I think I wrote to you earlier that one of my spiritual teacher said not to make any changes for one full year.  She also said that some Native American tribes greiving period is six years.  I know it took me over three to want to start coming back to life, and I think that was mainly because I had a disease that took me really close to joining Ishaq and gave me a choice.  Everyone grieves differently.  It is an individual thing and no one else can tell you how to do it or what you "should" feel or "should" be doing!

Just take it one day, one hour, one breath at a time.  It does get easier, over time.  But it does TAKE time.  I have had many dream visits with Ishaq, and in one I told him I was having a very hard time living without him.  He smiled at me with his lovely smile and said "try taking some time pills".  We never forget or stop loving our beloveds, but a joy of life will return eventually.

Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself. 

Blessings,

Anna