I Miss Him So...

[airymoon]

You go linda!!! I am getting to feel peaceful with my life too. Getting there bit by bit. I Am so grateful for all of my frinds from beyond indigo. Thank you all for getting me throught the impossible. I love you all! Have fun in Cali linda

[rodless]

Had a wonderful weekend at my son's wedding. Missed Rod especially at the dance but handled everything much better than I would have even 6 months ago. So glad that time is easing the pain for all of us. When I think about the shape most of us were in 3 years ago when we "met" it seems like a really bad dream. And even though there are still some hard hard days, life at least is worth living again. Hugs to all of you!

[armaiti]

I know it seems amazing to me that I've found I'm a  peaceful a lot of the time too.  I still have visits from Ishaq in dreams and in visits in this plane of existence too, with signs and gifts from nature...I found a blue jay feather on my front step the other day, like a feather he gave me years ago as a present.  Can't believe it was over three years ago.  I'm halfway through the chemo, have my fourth of six treatments this Wednesday,  and feeling very positive that I will be fine after this and not have any more problems with cancer.  I read that folks whose tumor marker blood test goes under the normal of 35 before their third treatment have the best chance for remission, and mine was 16 before my third treatment.    I am getting a bit tired of wigs though, my head gets colder now!  But it's temporary and my hair will grow back. 

You all helped me so much when the time was darkest. 

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

Can I hear an AMEN..sistahs!!!

look at us...who would have imagined.

we are amazing!

peace

xoxox

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Yes look at how far we all have come!

Sorry haven't posted much here lately (some of you know why). It was 4 years since D passed on Aug 25. Pretty surreal. Considering I feel like now I never knew this person I called my husband. Things work out for the best though and I am moving on in more ways than one! Things are looking up and I'm not looking back.

[Kelly]

Hello!

Could you take a moment out of your days and elect Beyond Indigo for the spotlight program for American Express? You have to register but then you can vote for us. We need 50 nominations by tomorrow night Midnight!! If we win then we receive 100,000 dollars which I want to put towards a site administrator for this website. Can you please help and pass the word to the others?

Just go to http://shinealight.ivillage.com/, click nominees and type in Beyond Indigo and our name will pop up. The direct link to the page is here at

http://shinealight.ivillage.com/nominees/?PerPage=10&Order=&x=0&y=0&Search=Beyond+Indigo.

Let's shoot for 50 plus nominees by tomorrow night! Thank you for your help.

Kelly Baltzell

Founder

Beyond Indigo

[monicalovesjack]

Hello,

I am sad to say I am new here. At 42, never expected to have to say that my fiance'/boyfriend of 14 years and wonderful father of our three year old son passed away on July 30th.

I don't really know where to turn from here. The sympathies from friends and family have quieted down...the coworkers don't know what to say, so they say nothing....I still get calls from those really close to us...but for the most part, life has moved on around me but I feel like I am standing still.

As I mentioned, I have a three year old, so as much as I want to curl up in a ball in our bed and just weep until someone understands how much this has hurt me and figure out a way to undo this nightmare, I have to get up and make sure our boy gets to live the life that we have planned for him. I now just have to do it alone.

My family says I am strong. I can see why they would say that. I would never disappoint my fiance' when it comes to raising our son. But inside, I am crumbling. I have looked for support groups in my area, but they all seem to be on the weekends or at night. The times are hard for me, since I don't have anyone close who can watch my boy at night or weekends.  

Does anyone have any opinions on one on one support vs a group setting?I have insurance and can seek counseling, I just don't know if I can do something so intimate (one on one) this soon after. I just don't know where to start...

 

[armaiti]

Monica, first I'm so sorry for your loss.  But this is a good place to come.  My partner, Ishaq, passed over three years ago, and it takes a long time to deal with the grief, believe me.  The women on this board were a great help; I never went for one on one counseling, or to support groups, because my spiritual beliefs are not very mainstream and I didn't feel I'd be understood.

The first thing is, be very gentle with yourself.  My spiritual teachers told me after Ishaq died to try to not make any big changes for one full year, or as they put it "one full walk around the sun".  Do what feels right to YOU no matter what anyone else thinks.  I kept Ishaq's clothes hanging in the closest for almost a year...I still have what I call my "ancestor altar" in the bedroom...on it are the box with some of his ashes, a box with a lock of his hair, mementoes of our life together, and his picture.  I had one of those pillows made with his photo, and it still sits on my bed.  And I talk to him everyday...he is still very present in my life. 

I found that he came to me frequently in dreams, but not right away.  It's like they need to get the lay of the land where they are before they know how to communicate.  But many of us on here have had communications with our beloveds from the other side.  One of the other ladies on here calls them "winks" from the other side.  For me, it's been dreams and feathers.

This is YOUR walk, and no one elses.  It has taken me years to give away some of Ishaq's clothes, and I only did it when I was really, really ready and not because someone else told me to do it.  There will be days when breathing seems like too much to handle.  Remember, he loves you and is still with you.

It is hard right now to believe it will ever get easier, but it does.  It just takes a long time.  And you aren't alone, there are others like you here on this board who have been there and gone through what you are feeling.

By the way, Ishaq passed on July 28, 2006.   I found setting up a memorial website for him also really helped me.  You can see it if you are interested at:

http://home.earthlink.net/~ishaqjud/

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[monicalovesjack]

Anna,

Thank you so much for sharing Ishaq's page. I am honored to be able to learn more about him and how he touched your life.

I really appreciate your words. I don't know if conventional therapy would work for me either..just trying to navigate through this first month or so...struggling to keep it together.

I am so glad I reached out and you reached back.

Have a good night.

Peace,

monica, seattle

 

 

[missque]

Hey ladies... Just stopped in to check up on the posts and see how everyone was doing. So sorry to see Monica here. I hope this board helps you through your grief. I know these ladies def. helped me navigate through the passing of my boyfriend. I'm not here as much as i used to be, but i check every once in a while. its a great place to vent about anything because these ladies really do understand. i think the hardest thing was when i saw the world moving on around me like nothing happened yet i felt stuck.

i hope time will bring you peace!

to everyone else- i hope things are going well so far! i was sad for a few days as i had to put my hamster down (sounds silly cuz its just a tinny pet i know). I never thought i'd be upset but i was- Jeremy bought him for me 2 weeks before he died because i had always wanted one as a kid but i was never aloud. I was touched to receive a card yesterday from the vet - def. wasn't expecting that!

None the less things are well; still looking for a job (all i have is Part time at a retail store) really makes those two degrees i have worth the 60 000$ lol. Miss you all- hope your day is well!

[klmmdm01]

Hi, I'm new here. 

Monica, I am 42 as well and never iin a million years did I think I would lose my husband so tragically and suddenly.  I guess I related to what you were saying about being told that you are strong but you don't feel strong at all.  I cry everyday.  I miss him so.  I feel frozen.  Every thought begins and ends with my husband.  We didn't have any children and I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if we did.  A reason to get up in the morning and find a direction.

Thank you everyone here.  I have been reading through the posts and it helps to know that other feel and have felt as lost as I do now. 

[missingcurtis]

Good Afternoon,

I don't post very often but I do get a lot of comfort by coming and reading the posts and seeing how everyone is doing.

It is getting near the 4 year mark of when my husband, Curtis, passed away.  I still have days when I wonder how I am supposed to go on.  I have people ask if I want to date or remarry.  At first I did.  I did not want to live alone or be alone if I got sick or anything.  But now, I have accepted where I am and can live with myself.

I have always been able to spend time by myself.  I enjoy reading, doing genealogy, listening to music or watching TV.  I could spend days by myself but I do get out. 

I have family here and we talk on the phone and I go see them or go visit with friends.  I am not working right now but it is ok.  I have done a lot of soul searching and examining of my life.  I think I am where I need to be right now

Time is a good  healer.  I have let go of a lot of anger that I had execially towards his family.  They did not hurt me in any way only that I never hear from them.  I guess since we did not have children, I am not longer related to them.  So I have just put them in the back of my mind also.  It has been a year since I saw any of them and I no longer worry about it.  They know where I am and I know where they are.  I know they miss their brother/uncle and they may not know what to say to me either.

To the new ladies, keep coming back.   And remember time does heal.

Debbie...................................Missing Curtis

 

 

[aprilmoonflower]

Hey ladies, where is everyone hiding? Seems like a ghosttown around here.

I definitely remember you Debbie as we are in the same year. 4  years is such a long time yet no time at all. I am like you and perfectly content doing stuff by myself.

Thinks have been ok here though just very up and down, I go along doing so well the BAM something just sets me right back. D's sister died last week on his birthday. It is so very sad. We have definitely had our differences and we weren';t even on great terms but it's just SO very tragic none the less and makes me sorry for what couldn't be resolved.  Then I am sooo sad for her children. They are much older than my kids were when their dad died so I am sure it is much harder. Otherwise last week would have also been our 7th wedding anniversary. More years widowed than we were even married.  We only knew each other for 8 years. I wonder in 4 more years my heart will be healed. I sometimes wonder if I will ever move past all of this.

Ok well come out, come out wherever you are! Hope everyone is having a happy fall. We are moving to Vermont on Friday and I have waited all my life to see a Vermont fall so I'm pretty excited! We are moving to a 100 year old farmhouse!

[lindat]

Hi Ladies,  

It is the night before my first day back at school in 45 years and I can't sleep - just a little nervous.  My books are ready at the door and my clothes are laid out, just need some rest. 

I arrived home from CA last night.  Had lunch with Michele in LA on Monday - she is awesome!   We talked for a couple of hours and could have talked much longer....  I felt as if I had known her forever.   I hope that all of us can meet some day, we have been through so much together.

So many memories of Terry in CA, and it is still difficult to visit without quite a few tears.    Not sure how it could be almost 4 years.

Jim is not doing very well with his treatment, but we had a wonderful week together without arguments for a change.   Hopefully he will get better and we can see what will happen.  

My thoughts are with you all... April good luck with your move!!

Peace,

Linda

[lindat]

Dorothy,  Where are you???

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda- how did your first day of school go? Good for you and I am so proud of you!!

Today it's been a year since I drove across country and C and I (and the kids) met in person. Kind of surreal in a way. They definitely feel like he is their "dad" now and very early on in fact. It's kind of sweet, yet sad too:?. I hate to say but it's almost best this way after seeing what all my single mom friends go through with visitation/custody battles/etc. Not I think death is easier by any means or wish it on anyone as a means to make life easier (NOT at all) but it does make things easier on the kids in a round about way with MY children.tehy are not confused in any way so I guess that is always a good thing. Hope that all makes sense.

[armaiti]

It's raining here, but it's nice...things have felt pretty dry...

I have my fifth chemo tomorrow, only one more to go after that!  My labs look good,I'm a little low on my red count but not enough to be worried about.  My doctors said I could go much lower and tolerate it as I'm really healthy.  Still, I'm starting on some new herbs - dandelion, yellow dock tinctures- which I've read can boost your red blood cells. I'll talk to my acupuncturist about this on Friday too and see what he has to recommend.  There's no danger in this one falling a bit, just means you have less energy.  My white count is completely normal, due to the day after shot they give me. And I'm feeling pretty good, emotionally as well as physically.  I still talk to Ishaq every day, but the pain is different,it's more an ache that I know will always be there rather than a knife stabbing me in the gut, the way it used to be.  I still see him in dreams, though not as often. And I still find the occasional feather gift from him (yesterday it was a crow,which is a special bird to me). I'll be spending Thanksgiving with his son and daughter in law and daughter, and our granddaughter, and a few other friends, so that will be sweet. 

I still don't know what the future holds for me...there seem to be many roads to take, many possibilities, but right now my focus is to get through the chemo and get my body healed up from that...then we'll see.   Yesterday it was 3 years and 2 months to the day since Ishaq's passing.  It's amazing to me that it has been that long...

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[klmmdm01]

Wow.  New people have posted here and yet no one acknowledges them.   

[aprilmoonflower]

Sorry to have missed your post Monica (and ??? sorry if I missed your introduction), but I guess welcome to the board no one wants to be a member of!

[aprilmoonflower]

btw~ Anna, I am so happy to hear you are almost done with Chemo!

GO YOU!!! :dude:

[lindat]

Sorry kimmdm01, 

I missed your post.   I am sorry that you are in pain right now and hope that it gets easier for you soon.   Take good care of yourself and try to find the positive things in life even if it is hard.  Time will help, but does not heal all.

Most of us are still grieving even though it has been 3 or 4 years.  A couple of us have been through treatment for cancer with chemo and radiation in the last year or two.   My nurses say that it is pretty common to develop cancer because of the effect that shock and depression has on the body.  Not to scare anyone, just awareness to keep up with self exams and routine tests and dr. visits.   This is a very long journey that we are all on and it has many twists and turns.

April, the first day of school was pretty great and I now have a lot more confidence that I can keep up even after 45 years away from the books.   Lots of homework on the first day however, yuck.  The quarter is only 10 weeks long, so can't let up.

Anna, you are doing awesome!!  In a year, it will be hard to remember all you have gone through so I hope you are keeping a journal.   My hair has finally grown back and it isn't as thick as it was and I am not too happy with it, but it is way better than nothing and better than my wig

Hope you find some peace today....  Linda

[armaiti]

Hi klmmdm01 I'm sorry if I missed your post as well...I don't always get email notifications if there is a new post, and don't always scroll back past the last few.  Please keep coming and posting, there is a good support network here. it really helped me three years ago when my partner died.  And the best advice I can give is to be gentle with yourself and listen to YOUR OWN voice as to the grieving process...each of us does things in our own way.  I still have an "ancestor altar" set up in my bedroom, with Ishaq's ashes, and a box with a lock of his hair, and his picture...I still talk to him everyday.  I feel he has been very present during my experience with cancer, surgery and the chemo, and that his love has helped me get through all this.  I know I'm meant to live a healthy full life here on this earth-walk...but also that I will eventually cross over and walk into his arms once again. 

Each thing you do that is for you, that keeps his memory alive, will help you along the way to living with this tremendous loss.  My spiritual teacher told me to not make any big changes during the first year, for one "full walk around the sun" as she called it.  And I didn't.  I even left his clothes in the closet for a year.  It felt comforting to have them there.  As time has moved on I've passed some things on to friends and family or to those in need, but I still have things I keep near and dear to me...his favorite flannel shirt I wear as a jacket to keep me warm and keep his memory close.

I wish you peace in this time of challenge.

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda (and everyone!) I totally believe your emotions can wreak havoc on your health.I have had it happen to me! I am buying a copy of this book for everyone I know this coming winter! It's called "YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE" by Louise Hay. (I am making winter baskets with other books and goodies too! ) Anyway, the book, I recommend it for EVERYONE though. Not just those who are grieving. There is a movie too coming out soon! http://www.youcanhealyourlifemovie.com/

I love HayHouse Radio too, check it out

http://www.hayhouseradio.com/index.php

[aprilmoonflower]

I just posted this on Facebook..Thought I'd post it here too for those not on there.

http://www.widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/

Very poignant blog written by 7 widows..

[missque]

Hey ladies... I've had a REALLLLLY bad few days! On monday i got a call from a private investigator who was hired for the friend of my bf's that died in the accident as well. His insurence company is refusing to pay anything so they are in the middle of a big battle with lawyers and stuff (the friends family vs. insurence). The Private investigator asked if i would talk to him answer some questions and what not- i said fine. Not only did i get new info yesterday on the phone in regards to autopsy's and the events of the night leading up to the accident but i was given the police report, and forensices recreation of the accident- which had the offical causes of death listed. Things i was NOT aware of before.... needless to say it has brought up a whole newamount of emotions and really screwed with me these past few days. I was doing fine until this call came and its thrown me for a loop- having to remember the good times we had and tell them to the PI and talk about when the last time was i saw both of them nd stuff.... it has really gotten me upset and very depressed. i just keep thinking of the things i was told

[aprilmoonflower]

I can elate to that Melissa. I went through it too. Thankfully I did not read the autopsy report but I was told about it in detail (right down to the death photos). I did read the police report..It DID drive me nuts for a long while especially because I still drive the car around he died in and I did fixate on it for a time (which I think is TOTALLY normal). The GOOD news is it did pass for me after awhile.. I hope it does for you. Just allow yourself to feel what your feeling but remember you have to try to move past it too. It's normal how you are feeling though, Just try not to think about it too much but I know it's easier said than done because it CAN consume you. I hope they are successful in whatever they are trying to piece together.

((Hugs))

[klmmdm01]

I sincerely apologize to anyone if I appeared snippy (I'm sure I did).  I want to learn from you all, your experiences, mistakes and successes throughout this nightmare.  My stress level is so extreme that I can no longer register it on a normal scale.  My husband was in an oxygen explosion at a job site.  He survived for 75 days when he wasn't expected to live 24 hours.  I had to uproot and move 3 hours away to be by his side.  I had to give up my job.  Workers' Comp denied the claim, now it is going to trial.  Depositions will begin shortly and I am bracing myself because much of the line of questioning from my attorney to the opposing side will be to find out what happened that day.  It is looking like a "friend" turned on the oxygen which caused the explosion.  I will need to decide then if I want to proceed with a wrongful death case.  I want to crawl into a cave and hide because I am not allowed to just grieve and cry and miss him.  I have lawsuits and have to deal with and people have taken sides so as not to get involved.  Therefore, people who used to be friends refuse to speak to me.  I am not from here.  My inlaws turned on me while we were at the hospital and offer no support.  My family and close friends live a thousand miles away.  I know I'm not supposed to make any big changes but I don't know how I am going to be able to avoid it. 

I am sorry that I didn't catch your name: but to the lovely lady who pointed out to watch your health during this trying time, I appreciate your words of wisdom.  I can understand how cancer or  other type of illness can so easily creep up.  I admit I am not taking care of myself as I should.

Again, I apologize to everyone if I came of with an attitude in my earlier post.  I also apologize for the length of the current post.  I just had to release some of this pressure inside me.  Thank you for listening.

[aprilmoonflower]

No need for apologies. You can come here and get angry, snippy, upset, sad, etc. I promise we will understand!

I am so sorry to hear of the trauma you are enduring in addition to losing your husband in that way. How very difficult. I have definitely endured issues with the inlaws,etc. Sometimes things really do drag on and on and on, especially were legal & family issues are concerned. I feel you. I know EXACTLY how it feels to have people turn on you and your nearest family is thousands of miles away. Been there! It's hard but you CAN and you will get through it. You are already doing it..

 Be sure to come back here often it will help.

Also I wanted to add you ARE allowed to grieve. No matter what you think you "need" to do. You NEED to grieve. and sometimes we really do need to learn how to turn it on and off. it's ok. as long as we give ourselves time to feel how we feel. sometimes it takes months and years.. it's very hard to explain and you will have to find what works for you. you are in the thick of it though so hang in there.

I hope it is not out of line to say this but I would definitely go for the wrongful death suit if it were me. Obviously I don't know all the details but your husband lost his life. You have lost your spouse. If there were mistakes made it should be brought to light. Again I'm sorry if that is coming off nosey. jmho! take care.

[lindat]

kimmdm01,  We have a tendency to neglect ourselves and sometimes wish we ourselves were dead, I know I did.   Then when I found the lump, almost 2 years after Terry died, and it was indeed breast cancer - I realized suddenly that I wanted very much to live.   There is no family history of any kind of cancer, I am the first.   After surgery, chemo and radiation, I am again ready to begin my future. 

Terry died suddenly in FL - 4 months after we lost everything in Katrina.  We were still evacuated and I didn't know anyone except his cousin - they loaned us a place to stay.   I had to pack and leave within 2 weeks, so much for not making major changes.  I tried to go back to MS, but it was very hard to stay there because things were so bad and people were so depressed.  I got back in the car and drove to CA and stayed with my mom for awhile, then here to MI to stay with my sister for a short visit.   After that, I drove back to FL and then to MS and then to CA and back here to MI again.  I kept looking for a happy place, not realizing that I was running from what was inside.   The only place I didn't want to stay is MI and this is where I found the lump and luckily I was able to get on MI medicaid since I lost my insurance after Katrina too.   Soooo, I am still here and will be until treatment is over in 4 more years.  I am so lucky to have family that loves me and all the blessings, but it has not been easy.    I am living proof that you can drive hundreds of miles while screaming and crying and still survive

What you will have to go through will not be easy, but you can do it and you will be okay.   All of that is external, the real pain is inside and you have to acknowlege it and deal with it.   You will have some snippy days and that is okay, you are allowed. 

It is a journey and it is long and hard, but we are here and we are listening....

Linda

[missque]

[user=35339]klmmdm01[/user] --- trust me this is probably the best place to come when your angry, upset, wanna scream at the top of your lungs and you feel like no one is listening. the nice thing is we all get it, i know ive posted about how much i hate him for leaving etc. dont ever feel like you need to apologize because odds are one of us on the board have been there....but please make sure you do grieve. I'd sometimes sit on the shower floor while the water was hitting me and just bawl my eyes out... i didn't allow my self to grieve when my dad died when i was 15 and it came back to haunt me 3 years later. you can't run from it- it will find a way to come out and when it does it will probably be worse than had you allowed it to happen now. Its been 2 years since my boyfriend died and even though i grieved hard during that first year i still have my days when i wanna crawl up in a ball and hide from the world. Even more so since having all this court stuff start  few days ago...

allow you body to do what it needs to do. you've had the carpet pulled out from under you and your body will go through what it needs to to allow you to function to stay alive. I remember reading something a few days after jeremy (my bf) died and it was all about why you tend to not eat right away. i think i went 3 days without a meal and it is because your body is trying to process what has happened and as it does that it foccuses on what it needs to surrive as it happens. thats why u can go without eating, and sleeping and such but DO try to do all those when you feel like you can. 

[aprilmoonflower]

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/29/health/29grief.html

I saw this article today and thought it was interesting..

[lovejames]

HI

I RELATED TO YOUR STORY AS I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TO A SUDDEN HEART ATTACK WHEN HE WAS 51YRS OLD.  I HAD CANCER WHEN HE WAS ALIVE AND IF IT WERENT FOR JAMES I WOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH THE CHEMO AND RADIATION.

NO ONE BUT US KNOWS WHAT  WE ARE EXPERIENCING.  I WANT TO GO INTO A ROOM AND SCREAM MY HEAD OFF.  CRY WHEN YOU WANT AND JUST  GO WITH YOUR FEELINGS!!

 

MAY YOU HAVE PEACE!!!

[superwife]

two years ago today my nightmare began full force. Ken was put in the hospital for first of many times to follow till Nov. 16th, when told me he was going. I nwo know it its something I will never get over <I jsut have to try and learn how to live wiithout him.

[klmmdm01]

I wish I could scream.  I wish I could be angry.  I wish I knew when or if this will ever end.  I have been told that due to the circumstances and situation I am suffering from post traumatic shock - perhaps.  Knowing doesn't make it any better or help to move forward.  I am frozen.  I cry every day but I cannot seem to purge anything.  I just become numb and zombie like.  I have no idea what will become of me.  Where I will go or what I will do or who I will be.  It is too soon to even know...this nightmare called my life is rolling right along and I can only sit back and watch.  I have no idea when the lawsuits will come to a conclusion or what the conclusion will be.  I have no idea what I will lose when I have no choice but to wait or what I will have left when the fallout clears.  I wonder how I will be able to maintain grace and composure when facing the idiot who set these wheels in motion, who took my husband's life and left me with ruins? 

Thank you for listening ladies.        

[armaiti]

Klmmdm01, I remember those first days of being unable to think or move or make decisions.   Ishaq died one week before his son was to be married and I was trying to get the cremation done and arrange to get down to the wedding and figure out how I was going to get through it.  Ishaq and I sang together all the time, we performed at various events, and we were supposed to sing at his son's wedding.

I remember I'd be standing in the kitchen and just forget why I was there.  I would walk into another room and forget what I was supposed to do. 

Having to deal with the lawsuits can only be making this whole thing harder.  Our prayers are with you.  And no matter what, remember, he still loves you.  The love continues even when the body is gone.  It doesn't always help to hear that I know...I miss my beloved's long hair, his sparkling brown eyes, his arms around me when we sleep...but I can still sit quietly and at times feel his love rush over me like a river.  It takes a while for them to figure out how to communicate from the other side, and each soul has their own individual way of doing it. 

I don't know if any of this helps or not, but we are here to listen.

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[klmmdm01]

Thank you Armaiti, it does help.  A new friend of mine (she is rather unique here in the South and is a transplant from the West Coast, as I am, and is a refreshing change) brought me some stones, a crows feather, a hawk feather and some sage.  I almost broke down and cried for her thoughtfulness and kindness.  She brought me a citrine rubbing stone.  She knows the story behind the accident, the lawsuits and reporters and the isolation it has caused, and the negative and mean inflictions of my in laws, and has encouraged me to keep the citrine with me and poor my negativity into it.  Everything I once believed in, had faith in and felt was my truth has vanished.  My foundation has crumbled.  I no longer know what I believe in.  I want to believe with all my being that my Mark is here with me.  When we married, he had a bracelet made for me with the symbol of infinity and we removed the "til death do us part" out of our vows.  We felt and knew that not even in death would our love end.  But now, I have trouble sensing him.  It is frustrating and heartbreaking to think he has forsaken me.  Perhaps, and rightfully so, I am too cluttered with anxiety, fear, and grief and he is having trouble reaching me.  I don't know.  I don't  know  anything anymore.             

[missque]

I was told by my god mother that loved ones will only come around when and if you a actually ready to see them... perhaps you think you are ready right now but he knows better.... i too had some PTS following my boyfriends accident as i knew i would have been in that truck if he and i didnt get in a fight that night... I had anxiety problems prior to the accident but they did get stronger after the fact. I do take medication and i find it is the best thing for me - i also tried talking to people... but to each their own! you will feel him when he knows you need to - i would get so angry that i hadn't seen or felt jeremy but one night it started for weeks that i'd wake up in the middle of the night and i could feel his arms around me - you will get yours he knows when the best time for you will be. you have so much on your mind that you just might need to navigate through some of it before you feel him- but dont forget he still loves you no matter what. i was so upset that jeremy wasn't my 'forever' - he used to tell me al the time he wanted to be with me forever and i'd get so angry and upset that he wasn't here anymore -and it wasn't until a friend of mine said he was with you forever- he was with you for HIS forever- and that made me really understand that i knew he still loved me wherever he is.

[lovejames]

hi

 

read your reply with an understanding that only those who have been through this ordeal can relate.  i only knew james 2yrs and we were going to get married this past summer.  i didnt need a piece of paper to be connected to him, but i felt it was a connection i wanted.

 

do not let the stupid things some people say bother you--they should know better but dont.  i had one fool tell me james is lucky--when i asked why the answer was he's out of this life and wont suffer anymore.  even though he had diabetis and arthritis from the age of 13 and many surgeries, he wasnt suffering that much--if he were then i would have wished him to go as i do not want to see anyone or an animal suffer.

 

we were both in a nursing home (i have ms) as we kept the other one going--without him it's more than difficult to be in this very challenging enviornment!!  he has a very loving and supportive family and they are very good to me, but even they i dont think they know the depth of my sadness.  one of his brothers never even calls me to ask how i'm doing.  his mother claims he's very busy--he owns his own company.  well alot of  people are busy--a call takes 5 minutes, and we all have 5 minutes to spare.

 

you cant make people behave the way you want them to, so just try and ignore the stupid and insensitive ones and dwell on the ones that give you support.  i try and stop asking why a 51yr old more than decent man had to die and evil roams the earth unpunished and it seems the expression the good die young apllies to alot of people.

 

may you find peace!!

[carlac]

HELLO FRIENDS...It has been awhile since i've written anything on here. Life as i know it now still goes on. Paul has been gone for 27 months and i miss him more and more. I could go on and on about how lonely i am but the real reason i wrote today is because my good friend who also writes on her under the name of LAQUINN has had another death in her family. In the last 2 years she lost her husband Randy, 4 months ago she lost her granddaughter Riley who was born still and last wednesday she lost her 6 year old grandson Joey. Joey has been disabled since he was born and has been in a coma for the last 2 years. Even though we know he is better off it still is so hard for Lela. Please let's keep Lela and her family in our thoughts and prayer.

Thank you and may you all know that I have all of you in my thoughts and prayers as well.

[lindat]

Please tell Lela that we are thinking of her and sending hugs. 

Linda

[aprilmoonflower]

Lela- I'm so sorry to hear about your grandson.

[lovejames]

i totally agree with you on so many levels.  i dont fear hell because i don t believe in it--for me this is hell!!  and heaven--dont for a minute think it's a place where angels with wings are flying around.

 

no one knows but us how we feel to lose someone you love and have comfort and support with.  i lost james 5 months ago and time has no meaning for me.  it feels like yesterday or a hundred years ago.  i get tired of people telling me to be strong.  within one year i had 4 kidney stone surgeries, cervical cancer and the woarst of all losing the love of my life who i knew for a very brief 2 years.  he was only 51 an d while he had health issues--diabetis and arthritis from 13yrs old, many surgeries, but he was a trooper.

 

the heart attack that  took his life it was as if it happened to me.  i wish i went befor him as this is torture!!!  you feel as if a limb has fallen off you and you will never be the same again!!

 

i dont want to be strong--let me be weak.  some of the stupid things people have said to me, i have to grit my teeth and just try to ignore it.  i know at 60yrs of age this  is my last love and i didnt think i would have met someone at this late stage of the game.  but when f ate comes a knockin you answer the door.

 

peace to all of you!!!

[klmmdm01]

To Lela: You will be in my thoughts.  Nothing anyone can say can fully express what you must be going through. 

I've been numb today.  I have broke down and cried, but mostly in utter disbelief.  How in one swift motion did I lose my husband, family, friends, my job, income, dreams, and now I am waiting to lose my house?  How did this happen???  I sit in my living room and watch out my window and see my neighbors laughing, playing, living.  I remember that just a short while ago, I had laughter and life in my house and now there is only death and silence.  I am the walking dead.  I had my fairy tale, I loved him completely and conditionally.  I would have laid my life down for him as he would have for me.  The only thought that gets me through the day is that not for one second would I wish it was me that had passed and it was Mark that was left to deal with this.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy and certainly not for the one that I love more than life itself.  It is small comfort, but if one of us were to bear this pain I would rather it be me than him.   

 

[mishknit]

i am so sorry for your losses..new women on here.

it is so hard and so awful and so unbelievable..all those things.

we all get thru this in our own ways, and it's so good to have this bb here. it saved my life 3 years ago when i joined.

something struck me about something. i think kim? said.

that you were happy that your husband didn't have to go thru what you were going thru.

i felt that way for a long time... but now, almost 4 years on?

hmmmppffhhh...

i wish he was here to deal with some of what i've had to.

does that make me a bad person?

nope, just honest.

peace,

michele

[monicalovesjack]

I have been annoyed for days. I am in contact with a friend from high school, through facebook only. She was very gacious in recently asking me how I am doing, and I do believe she had my best interest at heart when she inquired how I was holding up.

However, she is currently in a 12 step program and please forgive me to anyone who will take offense to what I am about to say. That **** just isn't flying in my world. The world in which I just lost the love of my life, and father of my three year old son.

I have gotten up every day since Jack died and for my family and my son, I feel I have done some incredible things. The pain inside is unbearable, but I go forth.  

So my high school friend and I were engaged in an IM (instant message) conversation and I believe I mentioned something about the unfairness of it...etc and she had the nerve to say, yes sometimes I get caught up in the "why me" thing and my sponsor just says...why NOT you? Who better than you?

I could go on with the other blantantly inconsiderate regurgitated crap that came from this conversation, blah blah....but I think I would just blow a gasket all over again.

I wish her sponsor could help her walk a moment in my shoes, then she might realize what complete dumbass things she said to a friend in need of support and not some stock phrases from a rehab guidebook.

--monica 

[lindat]

Monica,  

Hopefully I won't make you even more annoyed, but I think she was trying to help.  People do not get it, they will never get it unless this has happened to them.   She is hanging on for dear life to what works for the pain in her life and I think she may think that she is sharing.   As you noted, she is reiterating the stuff they drill into her head for her problem - that is all she knows right now and for her it is the answer to everything difficult.   I think many of us have had a "Christian" friend  tell us that we need to turn it over to God and it will all be better - that didn't work for me either.  Bless the ones that it works for, but for most of us it is much less than helpful.   You may want to unfriend her for awhile, or ignore her for sure.   I keep my IM turned off, it annoys me even on a good day.   I often wished I could be as rude as I thought they were being, but that doesn't work for me and only makes things worse.   When my sister's husband of 31 years died, I thought I was a great help.... NOT.  I realized after mine died that I said almost everything wrong and I was not helpful.   She flew to me and said everything right, mostly nothing and just let me talk.   Then I found this board and people that understood.  We know well how cruel people can be - you can't let it eat you up, but we are here when you need to vent.   

xoxox

[aprilmoonflower]

Monica- some people are very clueless but still will try to say things to help. You will really have to work hard to either ignore then or come up with a comeback that will just shut them up for good..that one was too much though I agree.

I joined Alanon briefly (my husband was an addict_ but I couldn't get past the steps they wanted ME to work having to do with HIS problems..I mean excuse me? Haven;t I put up with enough BS already than having to RELIVE it and make his crap right? whatevs! I still can't understand the process and how it will do me any good. I am atheist/agnostic to boot so it doesn't sit well with me to pretend to hand my power over to a diety or "God" that I don't beleive exists anyway. grrr.

[monicalovesjack]

Lindat, AprilMoonFlower, all,

Thank you for letting me vent. I know she meant well, and I although her comments were so stupid, I refrained from blasting her for her efforts. I am truly a supportive friend and would never impose my views/opinions on another.

I think my my greatest frustration is when she called it a why me...... "thing". I felt by calling it a "thing" reduced my feelings to some self indugent behvaior of an addict, and her response of (why not me, who better) is just a shock value tactic used to pull such addicts out of their pity party. I am not an addict...her comments just did not apply.

I don't think anyone should pity me! But I do think "why did this happen to me" is a legimate question from someone who has never asked much in life. I work hard, I take care of my loved ones, I am kind to people and animals, and I give back to the community. I finally had what I deemed to be a perfect little life after walking this earth for 42 friggin' years, and then Jack was ripped from me in the blink of an eye.

A legitimate question, probably never meant to be answered.

 

 

 

[aprilmoonflower]

Monica- yeah unfortunatley there are no answers. I really would advise you to let your friend know how tactless her comment was..I think it's just a tool to make addicts feel better about themselves and the situation they CHOSE. The difference is you did NOT choose this. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Your friend meant well but that doesn't mean you have to sit back and just take her comments lightly the next time. Calling her out on it isn't being rude.  Maybe SHE needs to change her approach with you.  and then the way she is dismissing your emotions as a "thing" or comparing it to something in her own life IS extremely rude. Some people don't get it though and never will and  sometimes it's just more effort that it's worth to expend your precious energy. You may find your friends change as you walk this road and you will find friends where you never knew they existed before. (like here for instance right on this board)

I know how deep the pain is and the trauma of dealing with lawsuits, f***ed up family ,overwhelming grief, etc. I have sooo been there and so sorry you are going through this. This too shall pass. I know how passe THAT sounds as I was told the exact same thing early on, I know how empty it sounds right now where you stand but I promise you one day you will find some peace and start to feel whole again. Life just keeps on happening and unfortunately time won't stop. The early days and months are just very painful. There's no getting around it but you will find peace one day and you will be able to pick up the pieces eventually.  It's just a  really long road to get there. This is also the worst of it. Hang in there Monica and be gentle with yourself!!!

[klmmdm01]

Monica,

You sum up everthing I feel as well.  I too feel that I did everything I was supposed to do, go to school, find a good job, marry the man I love, buy the house, act and think in kind and compassion ways, give back to the community - the list goes on.  I had the life I worked for, I didn't ask for more than what I needed and I was happy.  At 42 I lost my husband, job, friends, family, probably the house and all because some idiot missed out on a 7th grade science class and didn't know oxygen was flammable.  Oh and after taking my husbands life and destroying my world, he still has his job.  Go figure that one out.  I know all about beating your head against a wall and just screaming "WHY!!??" and knowing there will never be any answers.  I have also been told the most incredibly ridiculous things in some strange attempt at easing my pain (if you let Jesus in your heart you will fell better), giving me some helpful guidance (what you need is a hobby), or showing some sense of camaraderie (I know exacltly how you feel, when I was going through my divorce....).  I have not been able to stop and come up with some witty response and not be rude, one day perhaps I will.  Right now tho, there are people out there that are damn lucky to not be in the hospital while I explain to the judge why I was justified in my actions.  I try and remember that that for most people they are still maneuvering in a belief that bad things happen where there are consequences to bad choices or poor judgment.  So they want to approach you in a "take responsibility, be strong, you will move on, you'll get through this" type of manner without stopping and thinking that if they are having trouble coming to terms with this senseless tragedy they will never understand what you must be going through.  I hope all this rambling is making sense.  Our anniversary is approaching and I am emotionally numb and my brain is having trouble formulating a complete thought.