I Miss Him So...

[aprilmoonflower]

hey girls. hope everyone has a good year ahead! this will be my 5th year since D died. In some ways I can see the damage done now and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But it's so hard in many ways too. Moving has helped some..I have had no choice but to move forward now! But it's been a long road too. My kids are having issues as of lately (or at least coming to a head sort of situation) and it totally sucks. The new puppy is helping though and I am optimistic for the new year!!

[lindat]

Thanks for all the good wishes, Brooke came home today.  She still has infection in her lung, but it is responding to antibiotics.   She will have to continue the IV antibiotic for a few weeks, but her mom will be able to give it to her at home.  We are having Christmas for her next week when she is stronger, so our tree and everything is staying like it is until she opens her presents.  We are very relieved and so happy she is home.

I will be leaving for Biloxi on Tuesday for a week with my daughter and grandkids.   I will also be reuniting with some coworkers that I haven't seen since Katrina, that will be awesome!

2 years ago today was my cancer surgery - how time has flown!!  Terry will be gone 4 years on the 17th.  At the time, the days just crawled by, unending pain.   Life is pretty good now, full of hope for the coming year.   It has been a long road, but time does pass and life does go on.

Wishing peace, good health and hopefully some joy for all of us this coming year!

xoxox

[mishknit]

good to hear about brook, linda.....

that's great news.

both of us coming upon our dates one more time..ugh.

yes, life is better, things are easier...

but the anniversary always throws me for a loop...

and i'm in the loop.

xomichele

[missyouhoney811]

Happy New Year's to everyone. 

My Christmas, Birthday and New Year's was the BEST....Looking back on the years I think the last time I felt the enjoyment was back in 1994. It was so great being with my son for two weeks with one on one son and mom.  We drank and carried on.  I enjoyed Wisconsin (great cheese) and Chicago (best pizza I have ever tasted).....Went to the shower for Vanessa yesterday......very long shower it started at 3:00 PM and I did not walk in my house until 1:35 AM...you would think at my age I would start doing the early to bed thing....heavens, I am turning into a party animal with the young girls...lol  I did enjoy myself hanging out with girls they were all in the late twenties.  What a great time!

I must add I am still hitting on the numbers very often.  I believe all my angel friends up in heaven are pulling the numbers for me.  Three times this past week.  For my shower gift for Vanessa I bought books/maps/wine all in reference to Greece.  That is where they are going on their honeymoon.  To add a very special touch I made a fan out of money with ribbons and bows.  No one should run out of money or pinch pennies on a honeymoon.  Lord knows, that will happen later.  No one really gets through life on easy street.  We all have our share of problems.....

I hope everyone has a great Sunday. 

Blessings and Prayers to all,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Happy New Year to everyone...

My year is going amazingly well...there's a lot of new things going on in my life, which is good.  I just came back from my first tribal bellydance class, and I've been working hard to get back in shape after the months of downtime due to the chemo.  I've been playing lots of music with a friend of mine, and writing new songs, and doing a lot of photography out in nature.  I'm feeling strong and good.  And I got a new wig - check out my new profile pic (I love that they call it an Avatar! - I am nuts about that movie!) - I have a new wig of dreadlocks, 30" long.  I think I'm aging backwards...Dorothy, I think it's great you are out partying with the young girls, you go girl! 

Next month it will be the 14th anniversary of when Ishaq and I first got together...it's hard to believe that many years have passed.  I still miss him every day, but I realize it's time to really live right now...winning over cancer does that to a person, I guess!

My prayers to all of you that are struggling with your first years.   I remember reading posts like this one from others who had been widowed longer than me and thinking, Yeah right, I'm never going to feel better...but it does get easier.  It just takes time.  Lots and lots of time...

Blessings to you all,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I also LOVED the movie Avatar. I went to see it when I was in Wisconsin with my son. It would be one fine place to go for any type of healing.  The colors were so beautiful.

Wish you were closer.  As I said in the past it would be nice to meet.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[monicalovesjack]

I so wish to say that dates not related to birthdays or anniversaries do not matter and have no impact on my life. However, we all know that is near impossible to do.

Last week....I broke down. I felt myself coming apart at the seams and by the end of the day I was a puddle.

It is weird being a single parent though. My son is in daycare, and so I put myself back together to get him, make dinner, bath time, story time, bed time.

This week...29th, my dad will have been gone 5 years. I have always been at peace with my dad's passing. I watched him take his last breath, and his pain and suffering was lifted and I knew he was at peace.

On the 30th, it will be 6 months since I have lost my dear Jack. Of course this is something that I don't think I will ever be at peace in losing him.

Its already been a long week...not looking forward to all these extra emotions. I am now looking seriously at going back to work, so I am trying to focus on that. I still wish that Jack was here by my side. Losing my brother in November and my other brother so sick...I ache to be able to lean on him for support. I am so looking forward to the day when he comes to me in a dream, smiling, and hopefully letting me know that everything is okay. I went to counseling this week. It just annoyed me.

Better luck next week.

[lindat]

Monica,  I totally agree with you on the date thing.   You have had soooo much happen in the last few months that meltdowns should be expected and is completely normal.  You are doing very well considering, but I also remember how impatient I was for the pain to be over and normal life to return.   I think that I am "lucky" in that I knew that nothing would ever be "normal" again, Katrina made it impossible for me to be back where I was before Terry died even if I wanted to be.   I have nothing left of him except his computer and his wallet, everything else is gone.  In some ways, it may be easier this way, but then I had no choice and could never have chosen it.   I also tried therapy and it frustrated me thoroughly.   This board is the only thing that helped and I will always be grateful for all the ladies that are here.   I hope that you will keep coming here and venting, it does help.  xoxox  Linda

[klmmdm01]

Depositions are set.  Before the depositions my attorney needs to review the brewery/restaurant where the explosion occurred.  He has asked me to join him since I know more about how a brewery operates and the job my husband was performing at the time.  I am trying to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for walking into that place.  I haven't been able to drive by it since the accident, I'm not sure how I am going to actually drive up, park and walk in and hang out in the place where in one second my life came crashing down around my feet.  And then there are the depositions.  I don't know how I am going to get through this.  I know what they will ask me.  They will imply my husband committed suicide.  They will ask if he was an alcoholic.  They will tear apart our marriage.  And really, all I want to know is when is this hell ever going to end?

[monicalovesjack]

Hold tight, Kim. That is gonna be a bumpy one.

I had went back to the hospital where Jack died, but it was so soon after I was still in shock. Now I think it would be much harder. It is just gonna be SO painful for you to go back there, but if there is no way around it... We will be praying for ya, to get through it quickly.

Stay strong!

--monica

[aprilmoonflower]

Kim- I'm sorry to hear that. ugh! I know it's easy to say think of your husband when you go through this but we all know you are thinking of him..but I guess you have to remember too you will be doing it for him and to make justice happen for his death. Though I'm not sure if that will be enough to get you through it honestly. Do you have a friend or family member that can go with you for support? It's hard to know how it will affect you but it honestly doesn't sound like a good idea to me at this point.  It's easy to be swallowed in grief and despair but don't let it eat you up if you do decide you have to do this. Which is going to be difficult. If you feel you can't do this DON'T! There has to be someone else that would be able to show him what he needs to see. If you feel like you mentally can't handle it DON'T do it. It won't  be worth it emotionally. Asking you to do this is incredibly cruel IMHO as well and I can't believe a lawyer would be so crass (Wait, yes I can!!!). But then again that's just my opinion. Hang in there and stay strong

[klmmdm01]

I have to do it.  No one else can.  Only the parties involved in the suit are allowed during the inspection.  The inspection is mandatory for the depositions.  Pictures need to be taken, a map drawn out, a timeline established for the series of events as they occurred.  No one can go with me to the depositions.  Again, only the involved parties are allowed in the conference room during a deposition.  The depositions will take all day.  I know they will be exhausting.  Is this cruel?  Yes, but it isn't my attorney that is being uncaring and callous.  He is only doing what he knows needs to happen and preparing me for the roughest roads ahead.  He knows that I will have to sit there in a conference room quietly while I listen to every detail of the accident, he knows I will need to compose myself as people lie under oath, and he expects me to keep my head and think clearly so that I can inform him of an inconsistency.  He also needs and wants me to stay calm as the opposing counsel tries to shake me up and rattle me so I can no longer think clearly as they question me on the most personal aspects of my life.  I cannot react or say anything under oath that could give the opposing side ammunition, if I do, there is no room to retract.  The court reporter will be documenting everything said and it is now part of the court record.  So no, it isn't the attorney that is being cruel, and I don't have a choice whether to do this or not to do it.  It quite simply is life that is being cruel. 

[aprilmoonflower]

[rodless]

Thinking of you Kim. I am so sorry you have to do this.

[eckles]

I am thinking of you and hoping that you find some inner strngth to get you through this awful ordeal.

xxxxx

[armaiti]

Kim, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,

Anna

[klmmdm01]

The inspection was postponed until after the depositions.  Great.  Last week I found myself having to drive by the brewery in order to get to my intended destination and decided at the very last second, literally, to stop and go in.  My logic (HA!) was I would have to face this fear, and now that the inspection will be AFTER the depositions and therefore I will have knowledge of every detail of every minute of the accident, I should go in and begin to prepare myself.  Talk about throwing yourself into the pit of burning fires in hell.  I went in and sat down, faced the brewing tanks, ordered a beer and began to shake and cry.  I stayed for about 30 minutes.  The manager knew I was there.  No one spoke to me.  And then, as if there wasn't enough insult to injury.  They charged me for my beer.  Go ahead, let your imagination run wild with colorful adjectives.  Mine did and still is.  The crappy thing about all of this is; I don't want to go back.  I don't want to do that again.  I thought if I just DID IT and faced that place before the inspection I would somehow have a more solid perspective on the inspection day.  Alas, no.  I made a mistake.  I should have just let it be and go on the designated time and day and left it at that.  I have put myself into a raging, boiling, tumultuous emotional state. 

And asking me to pay for a beer just pisses me off.

Valentines Day is tomorrow.  That sucks too.     

[eckles]

Oh Kim, my heart aches for you. What strength and courage that must have taken. You are in my thoughts

xxxxx

[aprilmoonflower]

ugh. that does suck Kim. I'm so sorry!

[armaiti]

Fourteen years ago today, Ishaq and I became a couple...It is hard to believe it was so long ago.  Ishaq, you will always live in my heart.  I love you.

[eckles]

Kim, I hope you are doing ok. You are in my thoughts. xxxxx

 

I have decided I hate Fridays and won't answer the phone on Fridays. It was 5 weeks ago today that my darling hubby died and I ache with the pain of it all. Yesterday I thought I was starting to feel a little better, yet here I am today, feeling worse than ever. I hate the waves of emotion, the ups and downs. My darling children (ages 6 and 2) are going through the same thing - it seems like cruelty. The small ups make the enormous downs seem even worse.

I am so sick of this rollercoaster and am desperate for some tiny sense of "normal" again. I need to start thinking about returning to work... financial reasons demand it. After what time period did others return? Any advice on this. I am a teacher in a "tough" western sydney school and although I love my work, (well did previously) am unsure about when it will be "ok" to return.

Hope you are having some ok times. This message board has bought me such ...... I don't know, but it has made me feel better.

Love to all 

[eckles]

Kim, I hope you are doing ok. You are in my thoughts. xxxxx

 

I have decided I hate Fridays and won't answer the phone on Fridays. It was 5 weeks ago today that my darling hubby died and I ache with the pain of it all. Yesterday I thought I was starting to feel a little better, yet here I am today, feeling worse than ever. I hate the waves of emotion, the ups and downs. My darling children (ages 6 and 2) are going through the same thing - it seems like cruelty. The small ups make the enormous downs seem even worse.

I am so sick of this rollercoaster and am desperate for some tiny sense of "normal" again. I need to start thinking about returning to work... financial reasons demand it. After what time period did others return? Any advice on this. I am a teacher in a "tough" western sydney school and although I love my work, (well did previously) am unsure about when it will be "ok" to return.

Hope you are having some ok times. This message board has bought me such ...... I don't know, but it has made me feel better.

Love to all 

[klmmdm01]

i hate feeling this way.  I mean, I REALLY hate feeling this way.  It isn't gettng any better - only worse.  Is that a bad sign?  Maybe it would be different if I weren't in this place.  This city, this state.  But I can't leave.  I'm trapped.  The lawsuits are an anchor weighing me down and keeping me in one place.  One incredibly lonely, isolated place.  I hate this.  I can go days without seeing or speaking to anyone - and not by choice.  I think about moving away.  But if I think of a place and google it - I freeze and it causes a panic attack.  ****, EVERYTHING causes a panic attack.  I am terrified.  I have been terrified since April, when is this going to stop!?  When am I going to be able to do anything without the fear and anxiety controlling my every hour and every thought?  I have cried every day since April 10.  Not one single day has gone by without a tear being shed.  I am beginning to think and believe that this nightmare is never going to end.  I somehow, someway, managed to get a permanent residence in hell. 

[monicalovesjack]

Last night was not so good. These terrible feelings of loneliness are getting to me. Everything I see and do is a constant reminder of my wonderful life...that I no longer have. I hate the night. I have major things that need to be discussed between myself and Jack. And now I just have to make them on my own. Don't get me wrong, I can and will do them. I have always been strong and opinionated. We were a couple though. His opinions mattered to me, and we always talked about the things that impacted our lives.

Sometimes I feel a little kid-like...thinking or even saying I DON'T WANNA go forward without him. I still desperately need for someone to tell me that they have made a mistake, and I can go pick him from the hospital.

[klmmdm01]

Hi Monica,

 I was wondering how you have been. 

[aprilmoonflower]

Hey there ladies! How's it going with everyone?

Where is everyone hiding? Hope everyone is doing good! I am still thinking of you Kim & Monica. Especially you Kim, I hope you are getting through the situation at hand.

So I have some news!

Guess what?

I am starting classes again this summer and am applying to nursing school for next Fall! I am so excited! I have to say LINDA and BECKY are my inspirations for this! (and some of my other mama friends in college) anyway I want to specialize so it's going to be a long haul (we are talking like 6-8+ years of school possibly to get advanced degrees). But I am going for it. I am looking into Nurse practitioner, nurse anethesist and physicians assistant programs and trying to narrow things down but it could go in any direction..

I have also started a face painting business these last few months, still in the beginning stages (Which I LOVE to do!it's basically the best job ever!) it will help pay for school anyway! I am so into though! Who knew?

We have a new puppy thanks to Becky which we got right after christmas (And we got to meet briefly which was great to put a face to a name!) anyway "Maggie"~ she is my new babydog! LOVE her so much! She is such a good puppy and so cuddly! I didn't realize how much I missed having a dog so much! <3

Also,

C and I are having a baby! (Due in Nov!)

We are so excited! The kids are ecstatic! :)

It is still early but I am a month pregnant!

So things are going pretty well here.. At least I have a reason to feel like I should be here still in the Northeast. I have had a really hard time with moving here. (I miss the desert so much!) It's been just awful. These things above are helping me so much though thankfully!

I do like Vermont though. The change has just been shocking I guess. I have really bad SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) too it seems like. blah. Thankfully the worst of winter is over. We will likely move to wherever my schooling takes (We are thinking maybe Eugene)  but we will be here for at least 2-4 years..so I am trying to hang in there but it's all up in the air currently.

Anyway I do hope everyone is good. please come update on you. good, bad or ugly. I feel like this board is so sparse lately. Miss you ladies!

[monicalovesjack]

Woo hoo....Great news April, on going back to school and your pregnancy! Congrats to you! Those are definitely some exciting things to look forward to!

After 12+ years my company sold and my job function moved to Dallas. So, I have been on unemployment since October 1st. It has been a good thing, since it has helped me to just grieve whenever the heck I wanted. (well, as long as I got my son to daycare....and then picked him up again) :-).

I am now serious about getting back to work and have found it to be really wackadoodle crazy out there. I have had several interviews now, and have heard that over 100+ people are applying for the job as well. Now that I am a single parent, I have different priorities, so I am making sure this next job is a good fit for me and my son.

This is gonna be a busy week...hope everyone is doing okay.

[monicalovesjack]

Still trying to move forward...still stuck in the world I lost. Frustrating on most days.

Wish I could discuss with Jack...but then again, I wouldn't have as many questions if he was still here by my side.

[klmmdm01]

Hi Monica, I was wondering how were you doing.  I know how you feel.  Caught between a memory and a dream.  Everything is surreal.  And when reality does force its way through the fog it is frustrating and nerve racking and there doesn't seem to be any quick fixes. 

[aprilmoonflower]

where the heck is everyone? sorry I have been MIA but I have been sooooo sick with morning sickness. I have basically been in bed for 2 weeks straight! ugh! The good news is I am almost out of the first trimester and it usually subsides after that!

sorry you guys are having a tough time right now. This is the hardest thing you will ever do, but you know what? You ARE doing it!

I have been weepy and missing D for awhile. it sucks being pregnant again without him and my reality is so warped it seems. (pregnancy hormones are magnifying this all too, such fun!)

I am still having a hard time with the whole situation. will I ever get past this? going on 5 years and I am still hung up on alot of things that happened. (mainly the lying and cheating by him) I feel like I can't ever trust ANYONE ever again. and I won't. sad, eh? I feel like damaged goods.

anyway I guess the new baby is bringing alot of emotions up. hoping I can get past it. the way I have been feeling though I want meds and a therapist. (And if you know me you KNOW that's the last think I really want) just am feeling so helpless.

Nobody here where I live now knew him though and it makes it that much more painful. I guess it should be easier to forget but it isnt.

our house finally got sold too so that is upsetting too. (I should have never left the desert) but I know there was no other way...the kids are really happy here for the most part though so I guess that is a plus.

sigh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[klmmdm01]

Pregnancy can definitely bring up some strange and buried emotions.  But I know how you feel.  I have so much....hell, I don't even know what I feel towards my inlaws.  Who knows when I will be able to put it to rest?  I guess when you see the ugliness inside some people, when you didn't see it or didn't want to see it, it can be some heavy baggage.  I want to move back to the desert too.  I have been thinking a lot about it lately.  I'm not sure when or how but I am beginning to see Arizona back in my future at some time!

[armaiti]

Sorry you all are having a tough time.  It is so tough, whether one year or four have gone by...I haven't posted in a long time either...partly because I've been wondering where something was going or how to write about it...now I guess I'm ready to...and that is that I'm actually dating someone. 

It feels pretty comfortable because he is was a friend of both mine and Ishaq's.  His first wife died about 12 years ago, and he was really supportive after Ishaq died.  He  remarried, but I ran into him a while back and found out he was getting divorced.  So we've been hanging out for a couple of months now, and it feels pretty good to me.  I think that fact that we were friends first, and that he knew Ishaq really help -  I can talk about Ishaq and it's just fine, and he talks about his first wife as well.  We can share those stories and memories together, which is really wonderful. 

I still miss Ishaq a lot and that will never change.  Ishaq's my soulmate and always will be.  But it is nice having a guy to hang out with (plus he's from Liverpool, and I love the accent). He's a musician too, so we play music together and go on hikes and basically have a really good time.  It's not heavy or complicated at all, which is great, he's really easy going, which I really need after the last four years. 

Last year I never, never, NEVER thought I would be writing this, but I think having gone through the cancer made me reassess things...I know Ishaq approves, because he came to me in a dream after I started dating A and let me know.  I still see him from time to time in the dreamspace but not as frequently.  And I know Ishaq would want me to be happy. 

Here's sending love and healing to all of you this spring,

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Of course he approves Anna! You know they wouldn't want us to be alone forever. I know how it is though, HARD!!!!!!! I am so happy for you and it sounds like he is a great guy. It is probably helpful that he knew Ishaq too and is a widow himself. Perfect in a weird way, yk!?!

I have been to hell and back with inlaw issues Kim! I sooo know what you are going through. I don't even speak to most of D's family because they just cannot be honest and that's all I have ever asked. Yet they lied to me repeatedly and to my face for YEARS to protect he who lies and cheats!!! YEah it sucks all around but  is just not acceptable to me. ESpecially when I have been nothing but truthful. Once again I can't trust anyone!

Though get this- I went to meet C's family at xmas (When I got the puppy from Becky) and whoooaaaaa! The ex inlaws have NOTHING on them! I am still so very insulted and upset over it. (I got basically torn apart for 4 days straight with them ripping on me and my kids, which ended with me crying for weeks everytime I think of it) I really do beleive they think I am just some trashy unwed mother and having him support me or something,w hcih couldn't be farther from the truth. But you would not beleive the judgement and crap they said to me. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. it was the most horrendous thing I have ever been through! I mean who in the hell gives complete strangers the audacity to judge me and my two little kids? Especiually when I have done not a thing to deserve that? I certainly thought nothing could top my past issues but wow, they really pale in comparison. I have decided to not even engage with them ever again..2 family memebers in particular (the rest are ok so don't get me wrong it's not the whole family)..it is going to be fun when this baby arrives and I will have nothing to do with them! ughhhh! I am just so beyond insulted.

[missingcurtis]

Good Evening,

I havn't been here for quite a while either.  I lost my password and just got a new one today.

It is going on 4 1/2 years for sevearl of us who all came here about the same tiem.  I was so unsettled at first, so lost and having such a hard time.  Now I feel pretty much settled into my life.

I am not working, and honestly do not miss it.  I try to live on my income but I can see as the years go by that it will get  harder as prices keep going up. 

I am not dating, haven't really gone out and tried to meet any men.  I had so much adjusting to do that I am not sure I can adjust to change very well.

I still don't  hear form the in-laws (his sisters) but one did say she might come down on Memorial DAy weekend.  We shall see.

Congratulations, April!   Just as long as you and your guy want the baby, don't worry about his family. 

and, Anna, I am glad you found a friend.  I think some day, I would love to have someone to spend time with.  Not sure I could handle another loss tho, if something happened. 

I was married for 36 years, no kids, just us two.  That takes some getting used to when you are suddenly left alone in the world.

Better go for now and I will come back more often.

Debbie

[armaiti]

Yesterday was a hard day.  I was at a memorial for a friend who died in his sleep last week.  He leaves behind a lovely wife and a little girl who is only three.  It brought up a lot of memories of Ishaq...I didn't know this man really well, but he was a good friend to the man I'm seeing right now.  It just seems so unfair...they were so much in love and life was so filled with promise and then bam, he's gone.  At least with Ishaq I had the comfort of knowing he died easily and painlessly, since he was looking at kidney failure in the not too distant future. 

Tomorrow I go in to have shockwave treatment to break up kidney stones, so I'll be sore and resting for a week.  And one year ago last Friday was when I had my surgery and found out I had cancer.  So at least finding out I had kidney stones was a relief - A. went around telling our friends "Anna's so happy, she had kidney stones!"  Funny guy.  But I was quite relieved to find out it was something so easy to fix with no long term complications, except maybe some dietary changes.

Hope everyone is doing well,

Blessings,

Anna

[Kelly]

June 07, 2010

 

Dear Members,

 

We’re excited to inform you that we’re moving to a new and improved message board at the end of this week. It may seem a little bit sudden, but we recently learned that the company that designed our current board is no longer in existence. Our new message board will offer enhanced profile capabilities and chat rooms with up to 20 people at a time (and more if we need it). All of your old posts and private messages will be migrated to our new message board. You may need to re-post your profile picture. Our new message board will feature:

 

• Custom profile fields
  
• Profile page customization with optional background colors, images, and tiling options
  
• Facebook and Twitter integration
  
• Multiple post responses via “mini-quotes”
  
• Pinned discussion threads
  
• Targeted board announcements (for entire board or certain sections)
  
• Comprehensive search options enabling users to easily find all content created by a particular member (by clicking “Find Content” on the main profile page, or in the “Mini Profile” pop-up which can be accessed throughout the board) 
  
• Enhanced privacy options that allow users to sign in anonymously, be hidden from the online users list, disable personal conversations, and deny user-to-user emails

 

You can access the new message board by visiting www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com. Grieving.com is still 100% a part of Beyond Indigo; we just created a new Web address for Search Engine Optimization (SEO) purposes. We’ll do our best to redirect all existing URL’s to our new board, but if you have difficulty accessing them, just remember to visit www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We’ll of course try to make this transition as seamless as possible. 

 

Our new board will seamlessly enable us to grow our community and provide you with even more ways to interact with one other, and for that we’re very grateful. Please feel free to email feedback@beyondindigo.com with any questions, and thank you for being a part of the Beyond Indigo online community.

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President/CEO, Beyond Indigo

 

 

[monicalovesjack]

you called, I was not available...then I never got back to you, Kim. I whole-heartedly apologize.

The love of my life and now two of my brothers gone...in 10 months. I don't want to be consumed with grief, but it has swallowed me.

"listen closely, I'm lost without you..."

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

[klmmdm01]

Hey everyone, haven't been here for awhile.

Monica, I hope you are doing well. I think about you often and want to call but now with your new job and the time difference, I am not sure when is a good time.

It has been 15 months. And everyone has lost their patience. They are okay, they don't understand why I'm still not okay. I am so tired of the "act". It has been enough time that I can only pretend to be okay when I need to be. I need to be okay at job interviews, I need to be okay when I am doing a service for someone, I need to be okay when I run errands, or when someone calls....and I can be "okay" when, and only when, it is out of necessity. Otherwise, I really want to be left alone so I don't have to pretend to be okay. I can just be me. I can sit quietly and talk to Mark, feel his presence, and just be who I am. Feel accepted and that I don't have to be anything or anyone than who I am at this moment and THAT IS OKAY. At least that is how my husband always made me feel. Oh well, anyway, I am just rambling. I'm sure there is someone out there that understands what I am talking about.

Hope you are all doing well and get this message when you check in.

[ModKonnie]

Hey everyone, haven't been here for awhile.

Monica, I hope you are doing well. I think about you often and want to call but now with your new job and the time difference, I am not sure when is a good time.

It has been 15 months. And everyone has lost their patience. They are okay, they don't understand why I'm still not okay. I am so tired of the "act". It has been enough time that I can only pretend to be okay when I need to be. I need to be okay at job interviews, I need to be okay when I am doing a service for someone, I need to be okay when I run errands, or when someone calls....and I can be "okay" when, and only when, it is out of necessity. Otherwise, I really want to be left alone so I don't have to pretend to be okay. I can just be me. I can sit quietly and talk to Mark, feel his presence, and just be who I am. Feel accepted and that I don't have to be anything or anyone than who I am at this moment and THAT IS OKAY. At least that is how my husband always made me feel. Oh well, anyway, I am just rambling. I'm sure there is someone out there that understands what I am talking about.

Hope you are all doing well and get this message when you check in.

HI,

15 months is not alot of time. I am sorry people have lost their patience with you, but I can't imagine why they have. I mean, when you love someone deeply and truly, you can't just turn the love on and off and "be okay" when something tragic happens to that person.

You can come here and be any way you want to. We are here for you.

Konnie

[lindat]

Yesterday was a hard day.  I was at a memorial for a friend who died in his sleep last week.  He leaves behind a lovely wife and a little girl who is only three.  It brought up a lot of memories of Ishaq...I didn't know this man really well, but he was a good friend to the man I'm seeing right now.  It just seems so unfair...they were so much in love and life was so filled with promise and then bam, he's gone.  At least with Ishaq I had the comfort of knowing he died easily and painlessly, since he was looking at kidney failure in the not too distant future. 

Tomorrow I go in to have shockwave treatment to break up kidney stones, so I'll be sore and resting for a week.  And one year ago last Friday was when I had my surgery and found out I had cancer.  So at least finding out I had kidney stones was a relief - A. went around telling our friends "Anna's so happy, she had kidney stones!"  Funny guy.  But I was quite relieved to find out it was something so easy to fix with no long term complications, except maybe some dietary changes.

Hope everyone is doing well,

Blessings,

Anna

For those of you that aren't connected elsewhere, just thought you should know that Anna passed away a couple of weeks ago. She was happy to be joining her husband Ishaq, but she fought long and hard against the cancer that finally took over. I miss her gentle spirit that helped all of us through the dark days so long ago when we found such support and love here. I really hope that all she believed has come to pass and that really is laughter that I sometimes hear in the wind....

[amberi]

It has been a long time since coming on here, but to come on and see April, linda and Anna made me smile. Unfortunatly I missed the post below anna that made me stop i had read a bunch of post and was thinking its so great that all of you were still connecting. The loss of Anna is so sad to me, she was so inserational to me and my healing 4yrs ago. im really at a loss of words.

to you all wishing you a blessed new year, anna praying you are at peace up there with Ishaq

[amberi]

For those of you that aren't connected elsewhere, just thought you should know that Anna passed away a couple of weeks ago. She was happy to be joining her husband Ishaq, but she fought long and hard against the cancer that finally took over. I miss her gentle spirit that helped all of us through the dark days so long ago when we found such support and love here. I really hope that all she believed has come to pass and that really is laughter that I sometimes hear in the wind....

Linda this is so sad to hear, its been to long for me not to be on here. thank you for letting us know. i feel we all had such a great support system we all seemed to come on around the same time and became so close. take care of yourself and god bless

[justamom]

Hi to all. It has been a very long time since I have been on here and I have no real idea what drew me here this morning? Confort I guess. So good to see some of "my people" from before and so sad to read some of you "new peoples" stories. The anniversary of my husbands death is next saturday the 15th of January. It will be 5 years since he passed. It is also my oldest sons 14th birthday. Still so bitter sweet. We are all doing really well. My boys are happy. I am working again and I am really good at my job. I try to date. That is still a struggle! Time is the weirdest thing I have ever encountered. On the one hand five years??? Really?? Where did that go? What have I accomplished? It seems like such a long time but yet I can still hear Steves voice so clearly sometimes. Like I just talked to him a moment ago. Five years later I still have not settled all of the insurance claims. That part stinks monkey butt. I have a great lawyer who has cost me an arm and a leg but is truelly out to help me get justice for my boys and make sure that they are taken care of. We have all settled into our new life. I still long for my old life but am making the best of it. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. This is a very safe place to come and express whatever you are feeling. I wissh you all strength, courage and happiness. Happy New Year.

April - CONGRATULATIONS!!! I can't think of anything better than a new baby! Vermont has to be a big giant change for you! Just try to enjoy it all as much as you possibly can.

Dorothy - Are you still doing Zumba??? I keep wanting to try it but havent found the time!

I too will miss Anna. Happy that her soul is at piece with Ishaq.

[fourleafclover]

I haven't posted on any topics since 2007...although I watched and listened to all the grief making it's way on here. Anna, Linda and a few more of you did their best to help me...but sadly...I was stuck in my grief for far too long. Although, I am going on...my heart aches...and learning about Anna...wow...what now? The way she coped with her loss and grief was something I aspired to...but now..she's gone and it feels as the big steps I took in trying to recover was for nothing. To all of you out there, all the new names and faces...I salute you all for coming here and talking about it. I stopped...because I couldn't... It's 11 years this year...

[ModKonnie]

I haven't posted on any topics since 2007...although I watched and listened to all the grief making it's way on here. Anna, Linda and a few more of you did their best to help me...but sadly...I was stuck in my grief for far too long. Although, I am going on...my heart aches...and learning about Anna...wow...what now? The way she coped with her loss and grief was something I aspired to...but now..she's gone and it feels as the big steps I took in trying to recover was for nothing. To all of you out there, all the new names and faces...I salute you all for coming here and talking about it. I stopped...because I couldn't... It's 11 years this year...

Hi fourleafclover,

Welcome back to our warm, caring community. The big steps you took in recovering was definitely for something. It was for you. Anna sounds like she was a real gem of a person, so to honor her memory and her work, can you try to use the things she helped you learn to deal with her passing, too?

We are always here to listen if you need someone.

ModKonnie

[aprilmoonflower]

it's been a long while since i've been on here! (hi Amber & Lisa and everyone!). hope everyone is well.

i can't believe it's been almost 5.5 years..it;s like my life is a time warp of sorts and it's all sorts of ridiculous. it's seriously time to move on me thinks. but how? today was tough as i found out about MORE lies involving the family covering up for Darren and his indiscretions. not to mention all the other crap. can you believe it? almost 5.5 years later? the whole damn experience just reads like a giant soap opera. unreal. i am extremely pissed off at this point and just done. done. done. but then crap like this comes up and brings me right back to the anger. but wow, good riddance and i am glad i followed my intuition on not being around lying liars that LIE!

moving on..

i miss Anna so much! i know she fought the good fight but it's still so hard to accept. i t

in happier news..here is a pic of my new baby Sequoia Pearl! (Well she is almost 3 month now) she is the most healing thing i have had happen to me. my older kids and partner just adore her. happy times here. i refuse to let the past haunt me but it's sure been trying to!

btw if anyone wants to friend me on facebook feel free! http://www.facebook.com/april.horton (I am on there much more than here these days) but want to keep in touch! i will try to check in more often. if anyone needs an ear or a shoulder to cry on i am happy to chat night or day.

[aprilmoonflower]

I haven't posted on any topics since 2007...although I watched and listened to all the grief making it's way on here. Anna, Linda and a few more of you did their best to help me...but sadly...I was stuck in my grief for far too long. Although, I am going on...my heart aches...and learning about Anna...wow...what now? The way she coped with her loss and grief was something I aspired to...but now..she's gone and it feels as the big steps I took in trying to recover was for nothing. To all of you out there, all the new names and faces...I salute you all for coming here and talking about it. I stopped...because I couldn't... It's 11 years this year...

I know Anna really was an example to all of us. You all might like to know that last weekend there was a ceremony for Anna in Eugene and her friends buried some of hers and Ishaq's ashes together and planted a tree for them. I think it is soo bittersweet. they are together now again and they are loved and will be missed by many. but thier wisdom lives on in all those they touched. amazing people!

fourleafclover-i am wondering though, why did you stop talking about it? do you feel it is just at the point that it is so repetitive or have you just moved on with life? curious to know how those feel later on in the journey. in 2.5 years i will have lived as long without him as i did with him. i do think i am better off without him in my life though sad as it is to say. (I now that sounds horrible but with all the emotional stuff (Lies, drama, drugs,secret girlfriends,etc) i feel life has worked out for the best in all actuality, maybe it is just me surrendering? maybe karma is comforting? maybe i am just a big old bitch like his family believes. i just don't know. i do know my kids and i deserve better. and we ARE living a better life now, so that is something. life IS good again! though i do still miss him like crazy somedays. completely torn, but moving on I suppose..what else is there to do, right? i do still talk about it at times but i feel like it's getting old..no one i know here (in vermont) even knew that part of my life so it's difficult. i have vowed to myself not talk about it much at all with my partner anymore as it really tends to stress him out in a way..i don't think it's fair to him or us.

[Jokece65]

I too haven't posted since 2007.I found that for a while I was in shock.I kept busy working on a memorial garden in my back yard.I had family around quite a bit at first.Then they trailed off and I was left alone a lot.

Everyone said they were going on with their lives.I was visiting my sister each week as she was very ill too.Eight months after my husband died,my sister passed too.I felt lost at this point,but decided to visit my brother in law every Sunday like I did my sister.

We became comfort for each other in going out for breakfast now and then,and helped me once in a while with things I could not do.It helped some,but I still started every day off crying.Six months after my sister passing my oldest son had a double stroke and a heart attack.He was in a coma for 3 weeks,and we weren't even sure if he would live.He was only 43 years old.He worked so hard to relearn the alphabet and numbers,and doing all his therapy.He is now back at work doing consulting work,as he is an executive chef.He hasn't much feeling in his right arm,but still has cooked as part of his therapy,and has adated to that.

He is my miracle son.I am so proud of him.My brother in law tried to help since My son didn't have his father to help when I needed extra help.

On January 17 my wonderful brother in law passed away.The hurt is still fresh,and added to that I still miss my husband every day.

I have had two falls and the last was serious.You can't tell when you see me move around,but the dizziness and Tinnitus are always there.I can still drive,but walking is hard for some reason.

My son now calls even more then he did before and that helps a lot.I also have a wonderful dog who is a god send to me.He always seems to know when I need a cuddle.I sometimes wonder how much a person can stand.I am crying while posting this,but I haven't felt well since my brother in law died.

Any help or words would be appreciated.

[ModKonnie]

I too haven't posted since 2007.I found that for a while I was in shock.I kept busy working on a memorial garden in my back yard.I had family around quite a bit at first.Then they trailed off and I was left alone a lot.

Everyone said they were going on with their lives.I was visiting my sister each week as she was very ill too.Eight months after my husband died,my sister passed too.I felt lost at this point,but decided to visit my brother in law every Sunday like I did my sister.

We became comfort for each other in going out for breakfast now and then,and helped me once in a while with things I could not do.It helped some,but I still started every day off crying.Six months after my sister passing my oldest son had a double stroke and a heart attack.He was in a coma for 3 weeks,and we weren't even sure if he would live.He was only 43 years old.He worked so hard to relearn the alphabet and numbers,and doing all his therapy.He is now back at work doing consulting work,as he is an executive chef.He hasn't much feeling in his right arm,but still has cooked as part of his therapy,and has adated to that.

He is my miracle son.I am so proud of him.My brother in law tried to help since My son didn't have his father to help when I needed extra help.

On January 17 my wonderful brother in law passed away.The hurt is still fresh,and added to that I still miss my husband every day.

I have had two falls and the last was serious.You can't tell when you see me move around,but the dizziness and Tinnitus are always there.I can still drive,but walking is hard for some reason.

My son now calls even more then he did before and that helps a lot.I also have a wonderful dog who is a god send to me.He always seems to know when I need a cuddle.I sometimes wonder how much a person can stand.I am crying while posting this,but I haven't felt well since my brother in law died.

Any help or words would be appreciated.

Jokece,

It sounds like you've been through quite an ordeal as of lately, but you seem to possess a good and strong spirit. I am sorry about the loss of your brother-in-law. Was he ill?

I am glad your son is calling you. Do you have friends to talk to? Are you a member of any type of group? What about church?

I am also glad you have your wonderful little dog. Sometimes, pets can be the very best comfort, don't you think?

I know that it hard right now, but just keep moving forward inch by inch as you are doing. You will feel better eventually. In the meantime, please come here as often as you'd like. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie