I Miss Him So...

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[armaiti]

[reeree]

armiati

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

My boyfriend was killed in a car accident and I was devastated; a piece of my forever was taken. At the time he was killed, we were engaged in a conversation over text. When I think of the silence that came in the minutes and hours after his death when he should have been replying and couldn't, I still lose my breath.  For a while, I was confused, bitter and didn't have perspective. 

After he was killed, I was angry about everything and everyone, but for no specific reason. I took everything personally!  Almost daily, I found that I was angry about stuff that had absolutely nothing to do with me and I wound up taking it out on other people. 

As I healed, I stopped being so angry with the world and the people in it.  And, I got to stop taking stuff personally all the time and stop lashing out.

I'm so broke that I have to live in my sister's basement.  Regardless of my ability to join, I am glad that Beyond Indigo is having a reunion for people who have suffered loss.  Community has been so essential to my healing.  Thankfully, people like the ones who run Beyond Indigo carve out places for us to express and heal from loss.  

[lindat]

Hi Kelly,  I am so glad that Trudy can make it, however I will be walking 60 miles that weekend in MI for a cure for breast cancer.   I am already committed to this important task, or I would be at the reunion.  I am sure that every one here would love to be at the reunion as we have all formed some very strong bonds over the last few years, but most of us do have very good reasons if we will not be able to attend.  I hope your reunion is successful.  Linda

[missyouhoney811]

^{_{I just wanted to wish everyone a very peaceful "Happy Easter" and "Happy Spring" with many blessings.....}}

^_Dorothy

[superwife]

i just read on the loss of a child forum that Dawns husband as joined ours. Please keep her in your prayers and thoughts as we know first had how hard this is.

[lindat]

I join Dorothy in wishing everyone a Happy Easter.  I am catching a plane this morning for Spokane to spend Easter with my son and his family - haven't seen them in 2 years  

[missyouhoney811]

Linda, have fun and enjoy yourself with your son and family.

We are going to Brunch at The Grand Concourse Restaurant in the South Side area of Pittsburgh.  It was John's favorite place for brunch.  Afterwards we are going to Highland Park to fly a kite.  I found a a kite in the attic it's a dual line stunter.  It should be fun.  John bought this kite 20 - 21 years ago.  I guess I better take a pair of tennis shoes with me I am great on heels but I don't think I can run with my 4 inch heels while flying a kite......

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Linda, have a great time! And Dorothy, I had this mental picture of you frolicking through the grass in your heels, with them sinking into the ground at each step!

Ishaq's sister and her husband are on their way to visit for a couple of days.  I've been so stuck here in the house, being sick so much these last two months, it will be nice to have company.  I've been really down and depressed and missing Ishaq and feeling horrible health wise...this winter has really sucked.

By the way, DON'T watch the movie "Nights in Rodanthe"  I saw it the other night with a friend and (okay, this part is a spoiler alert, don't read any farther if you don't want to know what happens in the movie) the movie really upset me.  Here's what I thought was a romantic movie about a woman finding true love and then right before they are going to be reunited he gets killed in a mudslide in Ecuador.  Why do writers think that death of a true love is romantic?  Whatever idiots made this movie, they haven't lived through the loss of a soulmate or they would never think it would be good material for a movie or book.  I hated this movie.  It just reminded me of everything I had and everything I I've lost in my life.  Teaches me to read reviews and spoilers before renting anything.  I think that's why I like Bollywood movies...they pretty much always have a happy ending, and lots of music.

Hope everyone has a good Easter. 

Blessings,

Anna

[Kelly]

The family and friends of Beyond Indigo would like let everyone know that Dawn Fisher (moderator of the Beyond Indigo message boards) lost her husband on Wednesday morning.  JD's death was an unexpected complication of surgery to remove a tumor.  Our most heartfelt condolences go out to Dawn and her children.  We know that there is no better place for Dawn to receive support than through these boards.

The online obituary for JD is here: http://fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/307941

If you'd like to send her condolences, you could send her a private message on the boards, visit the above obituary and sign the guest book (starting on Friday) or send materials to

Fisher Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services

1801 Chase Road

Logansport, IN 46947

[aprilmoonflower]

that sucks

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I agree with you on the movie.  They were so in love and enjoying each other.  If he did not go to make peace with his son they could have gone off to never, never land and be happy together.  I was truly upset after watching it.......

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Has anyone seen PS I LOVE YOU? We have it from Netflix to watch but it seems sad =(

I am making marmalade tonight then we will have marmalade and scones for breakfast and an egg hunt for the kiddies! Then of course egg salad sandwiches for lunch!

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

[armaiti]

I saw  P.S. I Love You last year, and yes, it is sad, but it is also amazing.  Whoever made/wrote the script really GOT what it is like to lose someone...I could so identify with what she is going through, and the things she does and feels really resonated, because I have been there.  Hilary Swank was incredible in it.  And it was a plus that Jeffrey Dean Morgan is in it (he was Denny on Grey's Anatomy) and I always thought he was really hot...(you get to see his butt too - nekkid!)  I actually wrote a review for Netflix on how good I thought the movie was and how it really truly portrayed what one goes through when the love of your life dies. 

Let me know what you think if you watch it!  And happy Easter!  By the way, the origin of the bunnies and eggs at Easter is that the pagan Germanic Goddess of the Spring, Ostara, had a favorite animal, the Hare.  And at one time the Hare went through the forest coloring all the eggs pretty colors to make the Goddess happy.  Sound familiar?  

Blessings,

Anna

[missingcurtis]

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL.

I rejoice today that Jesus arose from the dead and because of Him, I believe that one day I will be with Curtis again.

Debbie..........................Missing Curtis

[rodless]

I did not like Nights in Rodanthe...sappy and draggy just like the book although Gere is a fav. I liked PS I Love You. Thought the emotions were better portrayed. Anyone see Dragonfly with Costner? There's a different take on the whole grief/afterlife bit.

I had a nice Easter weekend. Hope the rest of you did too. Walked in the cemetery on Sunday morning. This year it suited me better than church. Get so tired of the politics there.

[missyouhoney811]

I saw all three movies and Dragonfly was my favorite.  As a matter of fact the first time I watched it John was here with me. 

I went to the cemetery on Saturday (4/11)...32 months.  On the grave I put a box of flowers that I will plant at another time.  A solar butterfly, ceramic angel that I bought in Florida and I took John his large white chocolate Easter bunny that has been in the refrigerator for three years.  To complete my visit I took a bottle of M & R Prosecco and a fancy glass from the set we purchased back in 1978.  I stood at his grave site talking to him and drinking.  No tears.....it was a good visit.  Of course I still miss him terribly.  I still have days that I can't believe he is gone.  As they say life must go on for the living....

We tried to fly the kite but we needed more wind.  So I guess we will fly John's kite some other day. Enjoyed brunch. 

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, talking about politics.  I am joining a Tea Party on Wednesday downtown Pittsburgh.  Between today and tomorrow I must make my signs.  This will be the first time since the 60's that I am actually going to be physical on protesting.  I am just totally sick about everything that is going on.....I find it not healthy keeping it in.....

[carlac]

My name is Carla and I live in Litchfield Illinois. My husband Paul passed away 21 months ago. Paul had pancreatic cancer. Seeing pictures of Patrick Swayze reminds me of how Paul looked...My heart goes out to his wife. I feel like instead of things getting better things keep getting harder to get thru...I have my kids and grandchildren but what I need i can't have back again...Thank you for letting me join your group....Carla

[carlac]

My name is Carla and I live in Litchfield Illinois. My husband Paul passed away 21 months ago. Paul had pancreatic cancer. Seeing pictures of Patrick Swayze reminds me of how Paul looked...My heart goes out to his wife. I feel like instead of things getting better things keep getting harder to get thru...I have my kids and grandchildren but what I need i can't have back again...Thank you for letting me join your group....Carla

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi Carla~ I am glad you are here..I'm so sorry about your husband. 21 months is so very hard for a lot of reasons. Hang in there.. You are going to get through this I promise. Keep coming back and posting. It helps.

[rodless]

Hi Carla,

I'm glad you're here. My husband and best friend has been gone almost 3 years. It's the pits...miss him all the time although it gets a little easier as time goes by. Was talking to a friend today whose husband died almost 4 yrs. ago. We know they are much better off and we feel stronger but it's hard to look ahead at retirement alone. Isn't the way we want it to be. Stay with us here. It will help.

Mary Jo

[carlac]

Thank you for the kind words. I know it will get better but just knowing that I will grow old without him by my side really hurts. I am 61 and I really don't like living by myself. I do have a friend Lela who also writes on here who lost her husband 3 months after I lost Paul. Last week we took a bus trip to Tunica. We had a great time. She is 48 while I am 61 but we still get along really good. My Prayers are with you all...Carla

[lindat]

Hi Carla,

Welcome to our group.  I am 62 and my Terry has been gone since Jan. '06 - we lost everything in Katrina before that and I have been living with lots of folks since then.

I would be very excited to have a place of my own again, but not likely to happen anytime soon.  I miss Terry a lot and would love to have my old life back.   Can't dwell on that, it hurts too bad.   I spend a lot of time looking forward, when I am not trying to focus on staying present    I think you will find comfort here, we know what you are going through so well. 

Dorothy,   I love the Obamas and I have a lot of hope for the future.   When we meet, we probably should not talk politics   

MJ, I leave Spokane tomorrow and will arrive in New Orleans 12 hours later.  I am hoping for warm weather...  Easter was great with my grandkids, getting to know them again is fun.   I hope it isn't 2 more years until I see them again.  Hope you are doing well...

Peace, 

Linda

[missyouhoney811]

Linda, when we meet don't worry I won't talk politics....

[lindat]

Dorothy,  Hope you have a great time tomorrow!  I will be on a plane all day, but I am anxious to see my daughter and grandkids in Biloxi.  xoxox

[armaiti]

Carla, I'm so sorry for your loss, but you have found a good place to come on this message board.  My partner, Ishaq, crossed over on July28, 2006.  I still miss him every day.  I'm 54 and I also find it hard to think about living alone the rest of my life, but I have no desire to be in another relationship.  Ishaq was the love of my life, and no one could ever compare or even come close...he and I were so well matched it was almost like we were the same person.  In the Native tradition our beloveds are called our "half-sides" and when he died it was like half of me was cut off. 

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

I saw Dragonfly with Ishaq and we both liked it a lot.  Another rather interesting movie is a Argentinian one called "Don't Die Without Telling Me Where You Are Going" about a man who invents a machine that can record people's dreams and opens a way for his true love from many previous lives to come contact him.  And also "The Fountain" is pretty interesting. 

I had a great visit with Ishaq's sister and her husband.  Since they won't be here for my birthday next month, they took me out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  (They had a crab ravioli special - YUM).  I'm still disappointed I'm not going down for the graduations next month, but my health is still iffy and I need to make sure I get strong again and don't get all stressed out. Plus, I can always decide close to the date if I change my mind since it's not that hard to get flights to L.A. at the last minute. 

The weather here is getting better...I took a nice walk today at one of our parks and did a bunch of photography.  I worked in the garden some too, but I'm being careful not to overdue it.  When I do that I end up being out of commission the next day, too tired to move too much.  I've gained some weight back (I'm sure Easter chocolate had a lot to do with that) but I'm still feeling puny.  I'm avoiding anyone who says they feel sick like they have the plague - I refuse to get sick again!

Hope everyone had a nice Easter/Passover/Ostara or whatever holiday you celebrate!

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

Hi everyone I just need to talk. Last week my friend Carla and I went on a bus trip to Tunica MS. Before Randy got as sick as he did he wanted to go there for Christmas so I made reservation and we were set. well he passed away in October. But he made me promise that one day I would go back. I did and had a nice time remembering being there with him.

Here is where my story starts. We got back home on Thursday night and on Friday night I had a dream ( I think) I was in bed and he was beside me and bent down and kissed me. That was it, I woke up. Tonight I went to bed about 10:30 sound asleep and I started dreaming we were in our old house I could see it plan as day I was in the doorway of the living room, he was sitting in his recliner his blue pocket tshirt leg proped over the arm sitting there I said what are you doing he answered I'm watching this move what does it look like. I woke up I had tears and was shaking.

What I would like to know is with me going back to a place that he so loved to go to am I starting to remember the good times and not just the last 6 months of his life and is it a good thing that I am remebering?

Sorry this is so long it just kinda of I guess scared me alittle.

Thanks for listening Lela

[mishknit]

lela...

3years in....i live in the gratitude. i live for those moments that make me smile in remembering, even tho there is an occasional tear.

i think that this is good, not scary.

hang in there

peace, michele

[rodless]

Lela,

It took me awhile before I started remembering Rod the way he was before he got sick. At first the only way I could picture him was how he looked when he died. I still have those pictures in my head sometimes but most now are of the healthy happy days. I guess it just takes time. I really cherish the few dreams I've had where I could feel him hug or kiss me. Maybe your trip did trigger off the good dreams and memories. I hope you have many more! I'm glad you shared.

25 years at my job today. Don't know where the time went. I didn't start working full time til I was 34. Was newly divorced and incredibly naive at the time. Can't believe I'm staring at 60 in another year. Kinda scary to think there's more behind me than ahead of me although without Rod the future still looks a little gloomy. I'm trying hard to work on my attitude. (Of course that's easier to do in the spring.) Anyway, I have the afternoon off on a beautiful day and am heading to lunch with friends. Small pleasures. Hope all have a good day.

Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Lela, don't let these dreams/visits scare you.  I have had tons and tons of these with Ishaq, as recently as last week, where he was in bed beside me.   Randy is just visiting you and letting you know he loves you, is watching over you, is what I think. 

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

Thanks everyone for your input. I guess I can say that I have been waiting for this but just wasn't sure what to expect.

 I'm at almost 19 months and not the I am enjoying any of this I have learned how to do things on my own. My boys still help me alot but for the most part I am doing it. Just really really miss him now. We have this beautiful granddaughter thats never gonna know her grandpa like the grandsons do. She is so sweet and I enjoy the time that I get to spend with her and the grandsons too but a little girl just different. Still working alot sometimes overwhelms me but I like not sitting home all the time. And I have taken on a new skill...Bartending. Interesting at times.

Hope you are all enjoying the weekend it's nice here today have the doors open letting the fresh air in.

Thanks for listening Lela 

[Kelly]

Hi all,

We are getting down to five weeks to find out if we can hold the reunion or not. Could you please let us know if you will be attending and register online? We need 25 people total. This is an amazing opportunity to make something special happen. Just click the big banner at the top that says REUNION and follow the steps.

Love to hear from you.

Kelly

[airymoon]

Kelly maybe i am just not seeing it but i cant find the "big banner that says reunion" in order to click it to register.

Is anyone on this thread planning on going to the reunion. I would love to meet o\up with you. Linda we are so close to each other but we never get to meet. 

Where is everyone lately? How are all of you doing? I MISS YOU GUYS!!!!

[airymoon]

ok sorry i found the banner... DUH! how many are registered as of now?

[lindat]

Hi Becky,  I just got back to MI in the last week and I have surgery to take out the chemo port on Thursday.   Hopefully I can get over to see you after that.  I will be walking in the breast cancer walk the same weekend as the reunion so I won't be able to do it. 

BTW,  I found another lump while I was in CA and my oncologist is going to see me the day before surgery, so prayers or crossed fingers please   I am hopeful that is isn't anything important. 

Hope everyone is doing okay.  xoxox

[airymoon]

Linda my fingers are crossed and my prayers are for you too. If you cant come here i can come to you. We should definately set that up.

[lindat]

Thanks Becky, I will know more after my appt in the morning.  

[armaiti]

Linda, I'm keeping you in my heart and prayers for tomorrow! 

Blessings,

Anna

[lindat]

Thanks Anna, I found out today that they aren't going to take the port out tomorrow.  I have to go for a mammogram next week and then for an appt with the surgeon to check out the new lump.  I really wanted that port out tomorrow so it is a little disappointing.   It is weird what we pick to freak out on.   I'll be handling things better in a day or two, gotta get my bearings back...

Becky, will do one day soon...

[mishknit]

xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxooxooxooxooxoooxooxoxoxoxox

((((((((((((linda_))))))))))))))))))

peace,

michele

[lindat]

TY

xoxox

[carlac]

It has been 22 months since my husband Paul passed away and it seems to be getting alot harder instead of better. Last night I had a real break down and couldn't stop crying because I realized that Paul wasn't coming back and that my life would forever be different because he is not here with me. We had so many things we wanted to do and so many places we wanted to go. He never got the chance to meet Gracie our 10 month old granddaughter. I know I have to learn to live without him but I'm really having a hard time.

[superwife]

I was thinking the same thing today. My husband has been gone 18 months on the 20th. We have a 7 month old grandchild. we alos have a 3year old grandson. He talks about his papa sometimes . His sister is named aftermy husband . i live in fl. where do u live, somedays i feel like im better and then bam.

[missingcurtis]

It has been over 3 years, going on 3 1/2 and I have so many more good days than sad ones.

But then I will think of something we never got to do and I feel sad again.:X

I don't think there is a time limit to memories but someone told me once that no-one can take your memories away from you.

We had 36 years together but if I had known how different my life would be now, I would have loved him more and loved him harder.

Debbie ..........Missing Curtis

[lindat]

Hi Debbie,    We are pretty close time-wise, my Terry died on Jan 17, 2006.  Some days just suck!  After I finished my chemo in Feb., I visited all of my kids in San Diego, Spokane and Biloxi - they miss him too and talked a lot about him.   The grandkids have grown so big and he would not even know them if he came back - and they still miss him too.  My daughter found some of our love letters that had been in a box we all forgot about that she had left at her mother in laws.  Wow, that was a shock, I was certain they were lost in Katrina.   I love having them back but they have caused many days of crying and I thought I was over that.   I finally packed them away again, just too hard.   Maybe some day, but I have to get on with my life for right now.   I stay very busy and that helps.  I am glad that you stop in from time to time, I was wondering how you were doing.  Linda

[armaiti]

I also find after over 2 1/2 years, I still have really bad days sometimes.  I miss Ishaq every day, but I've sure been missing him this last week...

I was diagnosed on Wednesday with a large fluid-filled mass in my abdomen, next to my ovary.  I'm scheduled for surgery on Thursday the 14th, and I don't even meet with the surgeon until Wednesday the 13th.  I am hoping it is just a really large ovarian cyst, and not a malignancy.  I don't feel like it is...and I'm hoping my intuition is correct.  In fact, since these problems starting the word "hysterectomy" kept popping up in my head, even when I was first diagnosed as having a kidney infection.  I really won't know more until Wednesday which is scary. I am trying to keep breathing and doing my spiritual practices.   I went through early menopause (I'm only 53 now and I'm done with it), and I never had children, so a cyst is a real possibility.  But I'm scared too, and miserable - it's making my tummy pooch out like I'm slighly preggers, and my lower back is killing me (which a friend who had them said is a symptom of ovarian cysts). 

I miss Ishaq so much.  I know he would take such good care of me, but he'll be watching over me during my surgery I know.  And I feel really lucky to have a very close knit spiritual community who are going to take shifts staying with me and bringing me food while I recover. Still, I so wish Ishaq were here with me for this...

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

I hear you Anna.  (((hugs))) I hope you go sailing through this surgery. I will be anxiously awaiting news and hope it is just a cyst!

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

[superwife]

Anna, I kind of know how you feel about not haveing your loved one to help you thru times like this. I have not had to face what you are , but other minor (compared to you) and wanted so much to be able to turn to him or call him and say what should I do. I am praying all goes well and that it is just a cyst.