I Miss Him So...

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, I know exactly what you are talking about in reference to the caregiving for our husbands. The problem I am facing now - I was so busy with John that I guess you might say I forgot about me. My needs/my cares only to find now I have too much time on my hands. I have no clue what I should focus on for myself.

Having a bad day, nine months tomorrow for John.

Before I forget I believe everyone will enjoy a movie on Lifetime on Monday 5/14 entitled "What If God Were The Sun"? I read the book the author is John Edwards. I simply can't wait to see him in October.

[cnpjrs4e]

Thank you all. I guess im reading to much into my thoughts, I have my bad moments and my good ones. I guess i just always thought that when a loved one dies, I would barricade myself in my room and never come out. I always thought the tears would keep coming and never stop. Im handling all this better than I thought I would have, but like some of you said I started my greiving before he ever died. I lost 10lbs during his 3 week hospital stay, I did not sleep much during that time either because his machines would beep in the middle of the night and I would get up and pace the room. When they gave him 48 hours to live I pulled up a chair next to his bed and hugged him for 2 days straight, I only left to go to the restroom. I wanted to be holding him when he passed away. Im glad he was in a coma so he was not scared or worried but at the same time I would have liked to see his eyes one more time. Im glad he is not in pain anymore, the past year has truly been awful for him. I just have to go find out who I am now, because for the past 5 years I was who Jay needed me to be. I don't even know who I am or what I like, I don't have friends, but I do have a very loving family. Tonight I am going out to dinner with a girlfriend I have not seen since high school, so thats a step. Thanks to all and God Bless

[misshimstill]

cnpjrs4e, you're on the right track. Have a good time with your friend tonight. ~Oneta

[naz496]

cnpjrs4e

Im going to call u c4 for short. that name is to hard to refer to. hope this is ok.

Dont think for one minute that u dont have friends we are all friends here. someone will always reply. I have heaps of friends but none of them understands like you guys out there, and Im on the other side of the world to u.

whenever I am really down I get on and read and post.

lap up the calm you feel because it wont last long. you will go in and out of all the stages of grief denial sadness angry, etc and etc. so lap it up.I am 34 and to think of the future and feel very guilty. I could never replace Mal but at 34 I dont want to be alone with my 2 smalll kids forever either. I couldnt think of ever being with anyone else but I long for a cuddle or just to be held again.

Its been 5 mth today, and whilst everyday I get through each day brings different emmotions. I dont know that it is better, but very different. Im not numb any more and I dont know if thats a good thing or not.

cried alot in the past few days.

I to get a few signs. I dont know if they are Mal or not but I want to beloieve that they are. The other knoght I asked Mal to make the light flicker but I forgot to turn the light on but the next night at 11.30pm the alarm on the stove went off. Teh cD player has also turned on buy itself, and a few other things.

Hope everyopne finds some piece today.

going to Sydney for the weekend to a friends house Dont want to spend mothers day at home Ill only cry all day.

Do u have Mothers day over ther and if so. Happy Mothers day to all you mothers

Naz

[missyouhoney811]

Naz, Its nine months today for my loss. A few months longer than you but the pain is still there. Even at age 60 (the new 40) you still miss being close to your love one. You and your children are very young perhaps in the future you will be able to find someone again to love and care about. Iam sure your Mal would not mind as long as you were safe and happy.

Have a Happy Mothers Day. Lets all enjoy the gift that our husbands gave us. You know when you look at the children (no matter what age)a reflection of our husbands are in them.

For those that are not mothers try to find peace within your day.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[fourleafclover]

Hello all.

This message is for (did someone shorten it to C4?). Anyway, even though it is great that you are feeling FINE as you put it, just be prepared for the "I am not doing so okay" days. You know, when I lost William seven years ago, I spent the first week crying and crying and crying. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep (which I still can't) and I couldn't think about him without falling apart. After that I was fine. I was fine for the next year. But then it hit me, and it hit me HARD. I fell so far into depression that if it weren't for my current husband and children, I surely would have taken my own life. It stayed with me for so long and I felt like I couldn't cope. There were times (and there still are) when I just think about him, and I still can't breathe. It's been seven years, and although I have committed to my family to be a happy person for them, I still struggle with it, especially at night. I have learnt to talk about it (which I have only done here) and that has helped me considerably. Let me tell you, although people thought I was fine (nobody really knew), I was falling apart inside.

What I'm trying to say, please prepare yourself for this roller coaster ride. I think you are on it at the moment and just know that there will be hard times, but that you will get through it. Keep coming back here. These ladies have saved my life over and over again and even though they are all dealing with their own grief, the all have big hearts and are wonderful to talk to.

Naz, Anna, Oneta, Rodless...God bless you all. This applies to everyone else too.

[fourleafclover]

Hello all.

This message is for (did someone shorten it to C4?). Anyway, even though it is great that you are feeling FINE as you put it, just be prepared for the "I am not doing so okay" days. You know, when I lost William seven years ago, I spent the first week crying and crying and crying. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep (which I still can't) and I couldn't think about him without falling apart. After that I was fine. I was fine for the next year. But then it hit me, and it hit me HARD. I fell so far into depression that if it weren't for my current husband and children, I surely would have taken my own life. It stayed with me for so long and I felt like I couldn't cope. There were times (and there still are) when I just think about him, and I still can't breathe. It's been seven years, and although I have committed to my family to be a happy person for them, I still struggle with it, especially at night. I have learnt to talk about it (which I have only done here) and that has helped me considerably. Let me tell you, although people thought I was fine (nobody really knew), I was falling apart inside.

What I'm trying to say, please prepare yourself for this roller coaster ride. I think you are on it at the moment and just know that there will be hard times, but that you will get through it. Keep coming back here. These ladies have saved my life over and over again and even though they are all dealing with their own grief, the all have big hearts and are wonderful to talk to.

Naz, Anna, Oneta, Rodless...God bless you all. This applies to everyone else too.

[fourleafclover]

Hello all.

This message is for (did someone shorten it to C4?). Anyway, even though it is great that you are feeling FINE as you put it, just be prepared for the "I am not doing so okay" days. You know, when I lost William seven years ago, I spent the first week crying and crying and crying. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep (which I still can't) and I couldn't think about him without falling apart. After that I was fine. I was fine for the next year. But then it hit me, and it hit me HARD. I fell so far into depression that if it weren't for my current husband and children, I surely would have taken my own life. It stayed with me for so long and I felt like I couldn't cope. There were times (and there still are) when I just think about him, and I still can't breathe. It's been seven years, and although I have committed to my family to be a happy person for them, I still struggle with it, especially at night. I have learnt to talk about it (which I have only done here) and that has helped me considerably. Let me tell you, although people thought I was fine (nobody really knew), I was falling apart inside.

What I'm trying to say, please prepare yourself for this roller coaster ride. I think you are on it at the moment and just know that there will be hard times, but that you will get through it. Keep coming back here. These ladies have saved my life over and over again and even though they are all dealing with their own grief, they all have big hearts and are wonderful to talk to.

Naz, Anna, Oneta, Rodless...God bless you all. This applies to everyone else too.

[fourleafclover]

Hello all.

This message is for (did someone shorten it to C4?). Anyway, even though it is great that you are feeling FINE as you put it, just be prepared for the "I am not doing so okay" days. You know, when I lost William seven years ago, I spent the first week crying and crying and crying. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep (which I still can't) and I couldn't think about him without falling apart. After that I was fine. I was fine for the next year. But then it hit me, and it hit me HARD. I fell so far into depression that if it weren't for my current husband and children, I surely would have taken my own life. It stayed with me for so long and I felt like I couldn't cope. There were times (and there still are) when I just think about him, and I still can't breathe. It's been seven years, and although I have committed to my family to be a happy person for them, I still struggle with it, especially at night. I have learnt to talk about it (which I have only done here) and that has helped me considerably. Let me tell you, although people thought I was fine (nobody really knew), I was falling apart inside.

What I'm trying to say, please prepare yourself for this roller coaster ride. I think you are on it at the moment and just know that there will be hard times, but that you will get through it. Keep coming back here. These ladies have saved my life over and over again and even though they are all dealing with their own grief, they all have big hearts and are wonderful to talk to.

Naz, Anna, Oneta, Rodless...God bless you all. This applies to everyone else too.

[cnpjrs4e]

I am doing fine because of my faith in God. I refer to what i am going through as "facing my giants". If i focus on my "giants" then i will stumble into a depession state, but if I focus on God and his plan then my "giants" will tumble. We are only here for a short while on this earth, I choose not to live mine miserably. I miss and love Jay terribly, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back. I know that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and sometimes its hard to keep a positive attitude, but I ask Christ to help me with that. I know not everyone on here has the same beliefs as me, but this is how I cope. I know that the only reason that I am not broken right now is because God is giving me peace, because I have asked him for it. I was not always a strong beliver, but over the past couple of months I have realized I was lacking that in my life. So through all the pain of Jays death one good thing has come from it, it has brought me closer to Jesus. You never know that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have. God has a plan for me, I may not understand what that is right now, but I have faith that he will show me the way. I will stop preaching now, I just had to share that because it has truly helped me through this hard time in my life. We all cope in different ways and I pray that each one of you can have peace as well. I know that I am going to have my hard times where I cry, but I also know that this feeling will not last forever. I will always love Jay, but I do believe that there is someone else out there for me to marry, and I want to truly love him as well. It will be a different love then what I had with Jay, but it will be a true love as well.

[scottslove]

Naz and Dorthy I'm sorry for your 9 and 5 month anniversarys. I will pray for you today though I do pray everyday for the people on this site. Yes we have Mother's Day here, this year it is on Sun the 13th for me that will be 10 months since My Scott had his stroke he died 10 days later July 23rd. My feelings don't change day to day, it's more like hour to hour. Sometimes I think if I just put my mind someplace else, but no matter what I'm doing all I think is Scott and I were suppose to be doing this together. We talked about most everything in our day so no matter what happens I'm always thinking it would all be ok if only I had him to share it with. For me it was never really a numb feeling but more of immediate harsh reality although I do still experience moments of surreal. When I can't actually believe this it the reality I'm living. Scott and I did not have children together, though I wish we did. We both have children I am thankful for them. But I worry for his and cannot be sufficintly in their lives (as I would like) as they live hundreds of miles away.

As for the signs they send I read somewhere that sometimes the signs are spacific to the person. My Scott was a musician and so I find sometimes the signs he sends are in music.

I hope everone here will be able to find peace in their hearts and heads. I think that is what we are all looking for, then maybe whe could all move foreward alittle.

God Bless

[misshimstill]

Cnpjrs4e, I, too, am a Christian. I have found the same thing as what you have said to be true in my life, as well. I wonder why it takes something like this sometimes to bring us to a place of knowing that Jesus is really all we need. I'm glad your faith has grown stronger during this time and you have been able to find comfort in the Word and in the Lord. If not for the promises of Jesus to us that He has gone to prepare a place for us and He will come back to take us to be with Him there, as well as to be with those we love who are already there, and the promise of Scripture that He has conquered death and the grave, I don't think I would have made it through this time. I've been a strong Believer all my life, but this experience as certainly strengthened my convictions in Him. I am comforted by the knowledge that though my feelings may go up and down like that roller coaster we have all experienced, God's Word remains steadfast and sure. I know others know that to be true, also.

Naz and Dorothy, I also understand the power of anniversaries and how tough they can be. I am praying for you during this time.

4leaf, I continue to lift you up in prayer. I know the hard time you've had with your grief. I know that at times it feel suffocating (and sometimes we wish it would just go ahead and do the job - of suffocating us). I seem to be going through one of those "dips" in the roller coaster these last few weeks, but I know it will get a little better again. I honestly don't believe that I'll ever be the person I was before this grief resurfaced, but I don't know that I want to be the same person again, not if that means going back into denial (although there are certainly days when that looks very appealing to me).

I, too, add my thanks to what has been expressed in so many postings by all of you - TO all of you - for the support you all give each other and me - for the feeling of understanding I have felt here - for the willingness of everyone here to carry each other's burdens, cry with each other, encourage each other, etc. It has made a big difference in my life to have discovered all of you here. I bless you all as you go through your day and add my prayer, as well, for peace. ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Oneta and Scottslove - though my Sufi faith is different than yours, I've found that it is what has kept me going as well. I don't know how people get through this who don't have some sort of spiritual faith or belief. I used to think that if Ishaq died (because I always knew that was a possibility with his health issues) that I would be so angry with the Creator/Great Spirit/powers that be, that I would never do any Sufi practices again. The evening of the day he passed was our monthly zikr night - zikr means "remembrance" and we sing and chant sacred phrases in Arabic. My friend and Ishaq's student who was with me at the hospital said she understood if I didn't want to go, but I said I wanted to be there. I ended up leading some of the zikr that night with about 75 people from all the different communities we were part of, with other people spontaneously doing tribute to him. At first I couldn't find my voice, but then it was like he was there, I could feel him with me, and I was able to lead his zikrs with the group. He had led zikr here off and on for almost 35 years. Now I realized it was up to me and his students to keep his music and melodies alive.

I've done my practices pretty regularly since he died, gone to our classes, and done ceremony in the spiritual traditions that I believe in. Sitting in front of the altar, singing zikr, doing the prayers, mantras (which we call wazifas), have helped me immensely. If I didn't have my faith, I don't know what I would have done when he died.

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Oops, I meant to say in the beginning, Oneta and cnpjrs4e since you were the two who were posting about your faith.

Scottslove, I meant to mention to you that the other day I found one of the feathers I have here had fallen (or been placed!) on Ishaq's guitar, lightly resting on the two pegs that are in the top of the guitar holding the two middle strings. Just resting there, as if Ishaq had placed it there. No idea how it got off the bookcase and so perfectly landed, unless it was meant to be there for me to see! A reminder, I think, to look to our music and to practice that guitar for comfort, and also, he wants that guitar to be played more!

Peace,

Anna

[lindat]

Naz, Yes we have Mother's Day here. I work in a Red Lobster restaurant and that is the busiest day of the year - so you know where I will be on MD

My children are all grown, so it doesn't bother me as much anymore to work all day that day. By the way, one of my very best friends lives in OZ near Perth in a town called Bunbury, how far is that from where you live? I hope you have a good time in Sidney.

Dorothy, I didn't realize we are the same age. The older I get, the more I realize that nothing in this life is age based, we just think it is when we are young. I am just as excited at 60 going into a new relationship as I was at 30 - maybe more so because I thought my life was over I am losing weight and feeling better than I have in many years and walking 6 - 8 miles every day. I thought after Terry died that I would rather have not been with him for the last 21 years than feel the pain that losing him caused. We tell ourselves such dumb stuff sometimes. As you say, he was a gift that I will always be grateful for. I hope your arm is getting better. My thoughts will be with you today. Linda

[cnpjrs4e]

I was just wondering something about those who are now remarried. How do you marry someone else when you miss your lost loves so much? I will always love Jay and he will always be in my heart, but I want to be completly in love with my husband as well. Me and Jay were never married, engaged, but never married. Maybe it will be different for me, I don't yet know that. Do your current husband's understand your circumstances reguarding your loss? Do they feel like they are in a competition for your love? These are just questions I wonder about that I do not understand. My aunt lost her fiance when she was my age and now 25 years later she is very happy with her husband and kids. She say's she still thinks of her ex from time to time, but not with pain or sadness. She just remembers little things and can smile about them, but she loves her husband with all her heart and is happy the way things turned out for her. I just don't know what i am in for in the future so I just wanted to ask those who have had to deal with these issues for many years.

[missyouhoney811]

Linda, Congratulations on Losing weight and walking the distance. As far as the age 60 that does not bother me at all. As I keep on mentioning 60 is the new 40. My hand and arm ache......limits me to what I can do.....hopefully on 5/23 I can have the brace off and start therapy. The main thing I hate, this happened only a week after I started my gym class. I called the gym and told them to set me up with a personal trainer. So, when I finally go back on 5/25 I will have someone to push me. To think everytime I fell (3 times) I had flat shoes on. Normally, I would be wearing 3-4 inch heels. I should have had my heels on and a few martini's in me - I would have never fallen LOL. I happy that you feel good about your new relationship. I doubt that I will ever look for anyone......maybe dinner and drinks but that will be it for me. I never want or desire to have a close relationship again. I guess that goes along with being a caregiver. I personally have nothing inside me to give to another. Maybe I am being selfish but the road that I plan on taking will be alone and just for me.

I called the hotel in Vegas yesterday and cancelled my reservations. I tried to tell my neighbor that I was not going but she just won't listen. She thinks that I am just having a bad day. I made up my mind. I will go as I planned in August,

that is the way I will remember Johns anniversary on 8/11. I think my trip will be from 8/10 to 8/17. If anyone from the site will be around AZ at that time - join me for a drink - I will be buying.

God Bless All Of You,

Dorothy

[luvjohn]

Cnpjrs4e...im glad you replied on The recent Loss forum. Thank you. I should have posted here. Its true what you have said about finding true love.

Im lost and going thru the motions everyday. I had 1 ok day, rest of my days have been horrible. Dont know what to say right now, but reading everyones post helps me a bit. Thank you all *hugs* to everyone.

Mika

[misshimstill]

Cnpjrs4e, That is a hard question for me to answer right off the top of my head. It has most DEFINITELY been an issue for me, but I don't think for Jack. Well, I take that back. It was an issue for Jack when we were first married. I said a few days ago that when we were first married, he kept having to be constantly reassured of my love for him and said that he felt like he was competing with a ghost, and who can compete with a ghost since we seem to idealize those who have died. Which brings up another issue with remarriage or having another relationship... that of idealizing the past relationship and idealing the past in general. Let me think on this some and get back with you on it. I'll say this much right now, for the first 30 years it didn't bother me much at all. I knew Lamar would have wanted me to remarry because he told me that much. He even "suggested" Jack since we knew him and he somehow "knew" that Jack would be a good father for the baby. (I know... it sounds weird, and it FELT weird to me at the time...) It is certainly a problem for me to be grieving so deeply and being remarried for so many years. I don't ever want Jack to think that I don't value him or love him because of the extent and depth of my grief or longing for Lamar, which is one reason I try to not show my grief to him. It is mostly a personal, private thing for me, just another reason why it has been so good to have all of you because it has given me someone to talk to about how I feel. For the past four years, it's just been me alone in it and no one to sort through all the questions and doubts with. Well, I've given you more of an answer "off the top of my head" than I intended. Just thinking through my fingers... I will give your question some more thought, though, because I think it's a HUGE issue for anyone even thinking about another relationship. I do know this - that if Jack were to die in the next few years (I thought this a lot when he was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago), I am fairly sure that I would not remarry or get into any other kind of serious relationship. Just not interested... Not that there is anything wrong with it for others... As I have mentioned before, my 77-year-old brother-in-law just remarried in April to a woman who had also lost her spouse three years ago, and I marvel that she was able to spend 50! years! with someone and then remarry at that age. I don't think I could or WOULD WANT to do it, but to each his (or her) own.

I can understand, Anna, why your spiritual beliefs have been the glue that has held you together. I'd be lost without mine - and probably dead. I cannot imagine the strength of will and fortitude it takes for someone to deal with deep grief without some kind of spiritual belief system. I am a strong person, but not nearly strong enough for this, and probably not as strong as I have always been told that I am. I sure don't feel strong in and of myself. If God didn't hold me together, I most surely would fall apart.

I just finished the morning over at my daughter's house helping her learn to sew, so I must go get some work done for my job. I could sit here and "chat" with you girls, but must go to work. ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Mika, Glad it helps you to read. It will help you even more to write and talk with us. Glad you have joined us, though sorry for the reason you have had to join us. Looking forward to getting to know you better and hear your story, also. ~Oneta

[scottslove]

Anna, It's funny you mention the guitar I told myself after Scott died that I would learn. It was one of the instuments he played. And I made a list of the things I would like to do before I die and one of them was play an instrument. Of course for about a week I practiced and then got discouraged.I was just thinking that I need to try again and not let it get to me so quickly. (I'm afraid I've never been a very patient person) Although actually I think grief is helping me correct that, well alittle anyway because now I feel like I'm just waiting through my life to get to him someday.

Your feather soundes like a wonderful sign to me, Isn't it wonderful how you would know just what he would be trying to tell you by putting it there? That I think is one of the reasons that people sometimes look a little side ways at us when we talk about signs, alot of times only we would know the significance.

I bet you were tempted to leave the feather where it was left.

[misshimstill]

Cnpjrs4e,

How do we remarry when we “miss our lost loves so much”? Good question. That has been so hard for me because I didn’t just love – past tense – Lamar, but I still love – present tense – him. Dealing with the agonizing grief of losing him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. There have been times I have begged God to “take me” because the longing to see Lamar was so great and the pain of not seeing him so great. There have even been times when I have wished I had never known him just to have been spared such great pain. But then I come back to the point of being thankful that I had him for the three short years that I did – “better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. I say all of that, yet I would also quickly add that I love Jack, also, very, very much. I am thankful, however, that I will never be in a position of having to “choose one over the other”. Some people romantically believe there is only “one love” for each person. I don’t really believe that. There is no doubt that if Lamar had lived (and I would say even at this point in my life that I would have preferred that), we would still be married because we were very much in love. The opportunity, however, to live out my life with him was taken out of my hands and not given to me as a “choice”. I do love Jack very much. I do not regret marrying him (though I do regret marrying him as soon as I did). I have had what might be considered possibly a unique opportunity, as many of you may also have in the future, to have been in love WITH and loved BY two very special men. I wish that I had not had to go through the mental and spiritual agony that I have experienced these last four years, but I suppose I’ve grown as a result of having had to do that.

Do our husbands feel that they “are in competition for our love”? One of the strongest points I would like to make is that one should never marry anyone who won’t allow you to remember and love the one you have lost. If you have to pretend he never existed or was in your life or that you never really loved him that much, then I would look somewhere else. That guy isn’t the right one. He would have to be someone who is unthreatened by your having loved someone deeply before. I have had three friends remarry/start new relationships after the first husband died, and all three of them are now with men who had also lost a spouse. That seems to have made it easier for them. Jack had never been married or even engaged before we got married, and for me it’s always been a problem to show my true feelings for Lamar in front of him. Part of that was ME running from the pain of remembering, but part of it also was not wanting to hurt Jack or make him feel “less loved”. I think for him, after he became secure in the knowledge that I loved him, it stopped being a problem for him. However, I don’t think it ever stopped being a problem for me, and for that reason I have always felt that I had to “hide” my feelings for Lamar, which meant, in practical terms, not talking about him, not having pictures out of him, not making references to my life with him, etc. We told April about him when she was 4 because I always wanted her to know the truth, but beyond that it was always pretty much like he had never existed. Finally, after 30 years of living that way, the feelings wouldn’t stay suppressed any longer, and they came out, kind of like a volcanic eruption of emotions. I think, if I were talking to anyone contemplating a new relationship, I would strongly urge them to talk about the first love very openly. Don’t keep anything back about your feelings for him. Don’t try to sugar coat things for the sake of the new relationship. If the new one truly loves you, then he should be able to handle the fact that you have loved someone before him.

Does the new husband/relationship “understand the circumstances regarding the loss”? That’s been hard for me, again, because we had been married for a little over 30 years when the repressed feelings came to the surface. But yes, it’s been hard for him. It’s been pretty threatening for him. But he has been so encouraging to me, so understanding of me, so concerned for me, so supportive of me. He knew Lamar - not well - but he did know him. My brother was the one who told him that Lamar had died, and he said he felt so bad for me. He was very fixated on it when it happened because they were the same age. He has told me recently that when he first heard about it, he thought, “He had a beautiful wife, a baby on the way… Why couldn’t it have been me who died? I don’t have anyone but a couple of parents who will die soon, too.” He would have gladly have taken Lamar’s place. I think that when my grief started to surface four, almost five years ago, he wasn’t surprised by it too much. He does a lot of counseling, so he understands the effects of trauma and loss. So while it has been hard on him, I think he wouldn’t hesitate to say that it’s been far harder on me. If I were counseling a woman who had recently sustained the kind of loss you have, I would advise her not to become involved with anyone who was not sympathetic to her loss or someone who felt threatened by the first love.

No one will ever take Jay out of your heart. No one should ever TRY to take Jay out of your heart. You were very much in love with him, and he no doubt deserved that love. No one will ever take his place in your heart. The counselor I saw a few times in the deepest time of my grief said that Lamar will always have and SHOULD always have a special part of my heart that will never be filled by anyone else, not even Jack. I would not have it any other way. I still long to see him again with every fiber of my being, but I know that I must wait until God calls me Home. When I arrive there, assuming I die before Jack, I hope it’s Lamar who is the first of my family to greet me. I did have an interesting dream recently that Jack had died before me. It was finally my time to go Home, and Lamar and Jack were, in Heaven, arguing about who would go to “get” me. Jack kept saying to Lamar, “You go. You’re the one she loves.” And Lamar would say, “No, let’s go together. She loves us both.” I think that’s an interesting thing for him to say since he hasn’t gone through any of this with us (or maybe he has…). But anyway, in the dream, Lamar finally won out and they came together to meet me. And I was equally glad to see them both. There is no doubt that I’m going to want about a thousand years with Lamar to be together and talk about so many things, but I’m going to want to spend time with Jack, too. I had a child’s story come to me right at the beginning of this time of grief. In the story, Lamar, of course, had died. Then I died. We met in Heaven and walked and talked together for “a hundred years”. Then, as we were walking along, we met Jack. The three of us greeted each other joyfully and walked and talked together for “a hundred years”. Then April died and joined us in Heaven. Then the four of us walked and talked together for “a hundred years”. I think those are just pictures to me of the way it will be some Day when we are finally all together and never again have to be sadly or suddenly parted. I long for that Day so much!

This has been a long answer to your question. I don’t seem to be capable of short answers, something I’ve always accused Jack of. I guess “what goes around comes around”. I’m sure the other remarried women will have just as good of insights and suggestions I have, but these are mine. Blessings, Oneta

[cnpjrs4e]

How soon did you get married after the death of your first husband? I am not even almost ready to date at this particualar time, but I know I will want to in the future. As a human I need companionship, I want to feel loved. Right now I just feel so alone and helpless. The last year Jay and I were more of best friends than we were lovers because of his illness. I just miss having someone to hold hands, kiss, and cuddle with. I however do not want to move on too fast because I think that would put the other man in a bad position. He would basically just be a rebound guy and I would feel really guilty about that. I guess im just going to have to hug myself, and walk through this knowing that one day I will be happy again.

[misshimstill]

cnpjrs4e,

Please don't use my time scale as a model. My whole story, Reader's Digest format, is on here a couple of pages back if you care to read it. I remarried, as I said, waaaaay too soon. Part of that is because I was so young. Part of that is because in 1972 we didn't know anything about the stages of grief. When I hit a smooth part about two months out, I thought I was "over" it. Part of it is because I really didn't have any emotional or financial support. Part of it is because I was pregnant and wanted a father for my baby. Part of it is because Lamar had TOLD me to get married again... and as I said before "recommended" Jack. There are probably other reasons. Believe me, over these past four years, because my longing to see Lamar and missing Lamar have been so great, I have really had to grapple with the question, did I remarry on the rebound?. I know now that I didn't, but if I had been as in touch with my grief before I got remarried as I have been in recent years, I can guarantee you that I wouldn't have even been THINKING about getting remarried or being anymore than just friends with anyone.

I do understand the need to be held and cuddled and loved, but I guess my biggest concern for anyone in your shoes is that you would rush into something you would later regret to fulfill that kind of need within yourself. It is a very strong need, but as a Christian there are other ways you can get that need met and fullfilled while you are grieving. Of course, God can't fill the space in your heart meant for a husband and family, but He can meet that need while you are healing.

I understand the feeling of helplessness. I guess that was probably pretty big in me, but I sure didn't have any real grasp of that feeling 30 years ago, at least not enough to keep me from making HUGE mistakes. I hate to think what kind of trouble I could have gotten myself in if Jack hadn't been the one I turned to to meet some of my needs. I guess Lamar knew what kind of man he was on an intuitive level or he wouldn't have told me that Jack was the one I should marry.

Well, I have a granddaughter yelling at me to fix her something to eat. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me. Oh, yes, I was remarried within 4 months. See what I mean??? ~Oneta

[sidvis]

You know, Oneta, the new man in my life is very open to my memories of my marriage. After all, it was 23 years of my life. My friend and I have not seen one another in 25 years, yet we still seem very compatible. One of the nicest things that my friend has done for me is make me realize what a wonderful life I had with my husband. I have been recalling many, many happy and unique times that my husband and I shared. My friend had a bad marriage, and he tells me he hopes I don't mind if he is a tad bit jealous of the relationship I had with my husband. He told me he never really had a "partner" like the one I was to my husband. My heart is so full. I am never anything less than honest with my friend, and he also is honest with me. He lives 940 miles away from me so we talk often on the phone. I think we are getting very close. I have found feeling close to my friend does not diminish my feelings for my husband at all. Like I said, it is making my memories even more pleasant to remember.

[misshimstill]

sidvis, I am very happy for you that things are working out so well with your new friend. That just supports what I am trying to say - that the right person will support our memories and not be jealous of them or try to take them from us, just as we wouldn't try to take memories from anyone we might meet that they might have of past loves. You are very blest and probably unusual in our world that you had such a great relationship with your husband, and evidently your new man/friend realizes that, especially in comparison to his. It is also great that you can be honest with him about your marriage and not feel that you have to hide things or not talk about it for fear of threatening him in some way. The more you talk to him as you are, the better it will be because you will come to know each other better and better as you do that. Here's to wonderful memories... ~Oneta

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all, I think I am done with my break...that was very exhausting writing, but I will continue because it was very needed as well.

First off - HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of us Mom's. I am getting to be reunited with my oldest friend this Sunday. I met him when I was 13 and the last time I saw him was when I was 18. It has been 20 years, and I am soooooo excited. We have kept in touch all these years and kept up on one another's lives, but I get to SEE him!!!!! Whooo hoooo!!!!

cnpjrs4e - The one topic that has caught my eye, obviously, is the question of getting remarried. I have to say, that Oneta said it all. I, too, am remarried, but my situation is a little different. I did not remarry right away, but I started dating about six months later. WAAYYYYYYYYYYYY to soon. I regret every moment of it. I was so lonesome for my DH that I tried filling that with someone new. All of them were jerks, one wanted to jump in his shoes within the first two weeks, and the other one whom managed to stay around for about 7 months, finally left, because he couldn't handle the competition of my dead husband. He was the only one competing. However, I have children, who needed to talk about their dad, as did I, and it made him very uncomfortable. Oh well!!! Like I said, Oneta said it all. If they can not except you and who you are, ALL OF YOU, then they are not the one. You must be allowed to speak of your past and the love you have for Jay. My new husband, for a lack of better words, is wonderful. I just turned and asked him, while reading Oneta's posts, if he ever felt like he was competing with DH. He said, "No, we talked about it in length before we married and about how that could possibly be an issue I might face. So, no, I don't ever feel that way." He is wonderful!!! My youngest got into a box in the garage that had my wedding pics in it to DH, her father. She had kept them out and was looking at them and left them lying on the floor in the garage. My hubby now, found them and brought them into the house and put them with the rest of our family pics. He told me he had found them and where they were now, so I wouldn't be upset I couln't find them. He has immense respect for me, that is apparent in the little things he does. If, or when, you start to date again, you make sure you choose someone who is allowing yourself to be you, in ALL aspects. Otherwise, kick 'em to the curb!!! That's my advise...

Gotta run, gotta study some more!!! GIANT (((((HUGS)))))!!!!! to all.

[cnpjrs4e]

Thank you all for your input. I just have all kinds of questions and death did not come with a mannual:) I wish it would have though, that would make my life a whole lot easier. This is all so new to me, I have never lost anyone my entire life, and I got hit with a big one first. I never expected to have so many emotions hit me all at once. In the time span of an hour I can have about 20 different feelings. In some weird way crying helps a lot. I also yell at Jay sometimes too, because he left me, he gave up on his health. But I do not "plan"(like I can plan anything), to date anyone for at least a year. I have not been single since I was 16 years old, so I need some "me" time. I want to concentrate on school right now. Im going to be a nurse and Jay was so proud of me for that so I am not going to let him down. Its great that yall(im from Tx by the way) have found very understanding people to spend your lives with. I will not settle for someone who does not understand that I will always love Jay. Take care and have a great night, you have been a huge help.

[mishknit]

OMG!!!

I can't even believe how long I have been on here reading, ane I only went away for 3 days! YIKES!

But so many wonderful posts.

to c4 and the other new people, i am so sorry for your losses, but am glad you're here. I hardly need to say that, as i see that you have availed yurself of the wisdom of those of us who have been in yuor shoes.

One thing that struck me c4 was your comment about staying single for a year...i thoinkj many of us in this sitaution have read the great advice about making no major changes for a year....i think even those on the board who have made major changes before a year would agree with that, so your sense of a year passing, or as anna says "one walk around the sun", is good instincts at play.

i'm not going to add a lot to the discussions here./.so much has been said that is so thoughtful and honest. I am just so grateful that i am able to occasionally contribute.

my trip was great.....very calming and centering, took naps, floated in a healing grotto, got massages, read 2 and 1/2 books, wrote in my journal, ate way too much (I was starving, it seemed...very weird for me, because i never eat like that!). I slept great every night...and missed tom every minute. BUT...he would have hated this place, and that made me laugh a lot. He would have been so bored! But it's interesting that i enjoyed it so much, and i was worried going into it, that i would be bored....just that part of me that is discovering myself again after life with my beloved.

dorothy...are you going alone to vegas? or AZ...i thought it was vegas in august, but then you said arizona, so i'm confused. I'm sure your friends are disappointed.....maybe you can take them out for a drink prior to their leaving and thank them for their offer..it is nice to have such suportive friends. I'm not too far from vegas..who knows...maybe i'll take a crazy drive for that drink! Crossing the desert in august tho...ugh!

and linda....hoping things go well for your friend....and you.

and everyone else.....peace.

maybe i'll catch up to the conversations soon! Life has been keping me a bit out of the loop lately, perhaps that's good, a sign of moving ahead? But..i read,always.

michele

[lindat]

Michele, Thank you I am so glad that you had a great time and glad you are back, I have missed your posts!

Sidvis, I am so happy for you!!! My friend and I dated in 1984 and 85 and he has never had a good relationship either. He did meet Terry a couple of times and said he was somewhat envious of what we had, because we seemed so happy. He also enjoys hearing about our life together and is very kind and caring. He reminds me often that it takes more than a year to grieve that kind of loss and to be patient with myself. We too have grown very close and I am walking on air. I know that Terry would be glad that I am making progress toward a new life and I will always remember how special he was. It is so nice to finally be able to remember him and smile - I couldn't do that before.

[missyouhoney811]

Michele - It is not you that is confused ITS ME. My trip to Vegas will be in August. I guess I was thinking about the possible retreat in Sedona, AZ (WHICH NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE). So happy you enjoyed yourself on your trip. I think everyone needs a little R and R from time to time. It does us good. Good idea I will take my neighbors out for a drink before they leave. I did appreciate the offer to go away with them but my heart tells me I must do the trip alone. John enjoyed Vegas alot.

Went out to dinner with my son last night afterwards we went to Home Depot. I bought 3 replacement bushes for the front of my house. I have no clue why, but the bushes I had for over 22 years died last year (all three) John planted them. I also bought a huge tomato plant and some flowers.

Linda - I am very happy for you - enjoy life with your friend. Lord knows everyone needs happiness.

God Bless and Take Care.

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Oneta, Getting married after 4 months of your husbands death I can't imagine. Being young you do different things. Your needs are greater and you have not been out in this sometimes cruel, cold world as long as a older widow.....I think once your with a man 30 plus years your way of thinking about what you plan on doing with the rest of your life is so different. As I mentioned the only road I wish to travel on for my future will be alone. I don't think I could or would want to put up with anyone else. I wish to be a free spirit - come and go as I please - travel alot. If by chance there would be someone to dine with I believe I would accept it. I would never care to indulge in another close relationship. I myself do not care to go through new conversations for another relationship. So here I am very independent and self motivated. Thinking back to my John before he became ill. When we would talk about others cheating on their mates we always said the same thing about one another "Why go out for hamburger when you can have LOBSTER at home" ----- I have many, many, many memories which I think I can live my life ALONE and be happy with it.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Michele, If by chance you make the trip to Vegas in August. I'll buy drinks and dinner.

I don't know what is going on in my head today - I feel extremely HAPPY........ I hope it continues.

Peace,

Dorothy

[misshimstill]

Good morning “y’all”. (Cnpjrs4e, I’m from Texas, too – Austin. Where in Texas are you, if you don’t mind my asking?) I have to get out to work in my yard early before the sun gets too hot, but wanted to respond to a few things quickly. (I find there is too much to respond to when I wait a whole day – not that I’ve ever done that…).

C4, I agree that it would be wonderful if “grief came with a manual”. I know it would have made it a lot easier for me. I would also agree that crying helps a lot. I cried the first two years of this new grief, almost solid, I think. Jack one time said, so sympathetically, “So many tears. Will they ever end?” I didn’t think so at the time, but they finally started slowing down, then subsided to a trickle, and now are occasional happenings. I applaud your plans to concentrate on continuing your schooling. I don’t think you’ll ever regret that one.

Michelle, So glad you got to take your trip and that it was restful and rejuvenating. Sounds like something that I would enjoy, too. Lots of “contemplative time”. I have very little of that with my current lifestyle (basically becoming the mother of my 6-year-old granddaughter at 56). To your comment that you believe that “even those on the board who have made major changes before a year would agree” that it was too soon: a hearty amen! Since I am the one who was remarried within 4 months, I’m the first to say it was waaaay too soon. I should have waited a minimum of a year, not as something forced upon me, but just good for me emotionally and to give me plenty of time to grieve adequately. As I’ve said, that has been my biggest regret – that I jumped into remarriage too quickly. Thank God it was Jack and not someone who would not have been good for me.

Linda, I’m convinced, from the things you’ve told us about Terry, that he would be very happy for you in your new life.

Dorothy, You’re so right that when we’re young, our needs are so different from the age we are now. As I said before, when I was contemplating “widowhood” three months ago before Jack’s surgery, if he were to die before me, I’m pretty certain – as much as you can be when you don’t really know what the future holds – that I would not remarry again. I can identify with you now of being content after over 30 years of marriage (37 total years between the two of them) with being, as you put it, a “free spirit”. Plus, I think it would just take too much energy to forge a new relationship at my age now. Good quote, by the way, "Why go out for hamburger when you can have LOBSTER at home".

Angel, I think your new husband’s attitude is just wonderful. He clearly is not threatened by DH’s memory and is comfortable with you and your children’s remembering him as you do. The story of him taking the pictures and putting them in the album is a really sweet one. He sounds like a jewel.

Well, I was looking for who said, “I’m walking on air” these days, and I can’t find it to see who said it. But I’m very happy for you that your life is growing happy again.

Well, gotta attack that yard now. It’s already hot here. Have a great day everyone! Blessings, Oneta

[armaiti]

Good morning everyone- it's grey and cooler here in Oregon this morning. I'm going on down to Saturday Market a little later, and check out people's booths. Hopefully next weekend I'll start selling there. I've gotten lots of stock in, and my friends are all buying my tee shirts and pillows and things when they come over, so I'm hoping the general public will want to buy it all too!

Yesterday was a hard day...I woke up with a killer headache, and later in the morning I notices that one of the stones has fallen out of my ring, the wedding ring that Ishaq sent me/guided me to from the other side. I lost it for a bit then but shortly after felt pretty calm and accepting about it. Seems appropriate that the ring would be missng a piece, one of the stones that has been called "the stone with the key to the kingdom of heaven) - eagleeye or petersite - just like my life is incomplete without Ishaq here, the ring now reflects that.

There's an event here called the Oregon Country Fair - a pretty unique event - that happens every July. Ishaq and I always led the Dances of Universal Peace, which are from our Sufi lineage and are basically simple dances set to chants and songs from many different spiritual/religious traditions. This will be my first year to lead without him, and we had a meeting here Thursday night. That was one of Ishaq's and my pet peeves about doing this - so many meetings, and people just get talk and talk and bring up issues with each other that to our mineds seemed so petty in light of all the big stuff in the world. We're part of a group called Spirit Booth, that has a lot of different spiritual/healing/yoga people in it. So several of the people get into it over some kerfloofle that to me seems pretty pointless, and the person bringing it up isn't even involved, and it just keeps getting more convoluted...I knew Ishaq would have just hated this, I was thinking how he'd be thinking "blah, blah, blah"...well, we had this phone I bought, it doesn't ring like a normal phone, it makes animal noises you can set it to - red tail hawk, owl, loon, goose, and right now I have it set to duck - "quack, quack, quack, quack, quack". So right in the middle of all this conflict while I'm sitting there silently going nuts, missing Ishaq and wishing he was here to look over at me and wink - the phone starts quacking. Everybody stops and starts laughing and it totally diffuses the situation. And when I go to answer it - you've probably already figured this out - there's noboday there. Perfect timing, Ishaq! Amazing how quack quack sounds like "blah, blah!"

And Dorothy, I'm with you. I want to be a free spirit right now too, and can't imagine putting energy into a relationship with anyone else. And I feel I still walk everyday with Ishaq, I talk to him everyday, I see him in dreams and it feels like he is still very much part of my life. Though days like yesterday I just didn't know how I could keep going. I stayed away from the sugar though - I'm day six with no sugar - even though yesterday I was soooo tempted to make some fry bread or eat some apple pie or something. But I held out, and I'm feeling proud that I'm able to get away from the sugar addiction.

I've been reading a book called "The Song That Never Ended - a jazz musician's journey to a love beyond life" by John Novello. It's pretty amazing about how his wife Gloria started contacting him after she died from cancer (Ifound it on Amazon). I'm a little jealous, because she actually carries on long conversations with him, and he went to various mediums and chronicles his validation of her contact. I wish I could see Ishaq or hear his voice, but he was a quiet, meditative person in life, and I know he is also trying to teach me to carry on without his physical presence...I should expect that he will contact me and be with me in a way that mirrors our spiritual beliefs.

In our Sufi path we have a phrase we say to honor people, or just to help ourselves - "Ya Fatah!" - "opener of the way", or "may your way be open and unobstructed" So here's a big Ya Fatah to all of us, to those who are experiencing some peace and joy I am happy for you, and for those that are struggling, may your way be open to find peace.

Blessings,

Anna

[bandit1716]

I have been ask by one of your ladys to read some of your post. I have been on I miss her so. First let me tell you lovely ladys that women are much stronger than men in this situation.I am living in hell as we speak. Sharon was my second wife and my first love. We were married for fifteen years. She had cancer one year after we were married. We fought her cancer together all the way. She passed April 25 2006.Yes its been a year. I have never been so lonely and felt this bad in my life. I am 70 yo.I would give anything to feel better. When you nurse her and have the Doctors give you hope and then its over, its nothing short of hell.I do have a great family,son and daughter. Thats great ,but when you sit at OUR home and see all of the things she has done,pictures ,walls furnature,well I just cry.When I get home I pull my pickup in the garage ,shut the doors. I won't answer the door ,I have disconected the door bell.I don't want to be alive anymore ,I feel that I am dead anyway.

[armaiti]

Larry, welcome. I hope you can find some strength and hope from our posts. Don't give up - your children need you, and your beloved wife is watching over you. Believe me, we understand about how lonely it gets. But there is still beauty in the world. I see my beloved Ishaq now so much in nature, I feel he is one with everything, the trees, the rivers...I don't know where you live, but maybe you could take a walk, listen to the wind, and maybe you'll hear your wife whisper on it...my belief is that we can be in contact with our beloveds, if we open ourselves to the signs and messages they send us, and sometimes those can be very subtle...but they do try, I think. We just need to try to be open, and in their own time, we will hear from them.

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, you made me laugh about your ring tone on your phone. While your phone goes QUACK, QUACK, QUACK - I have the theme from the Old Lone Ranger Program as he rides of into the hills. LOL --

The other evening I connected my computer to Comcast Radio (its a freebee the Cable Company offers) The first song that came on was "A Horse With No Name" a song from the 70's which was one of John's favorite. He actually would sing to it. The next song was one that I loved from I believe the 60's - "Johnny Angel" - when things like this happen it seems as if John is doing it. I feel so connected to his spirit.

Anna, although I am not a sugar eater - never have been, I think I'll look for a recipe for fry bread.

bandit1716, believe me I know exactly what you are going through. Although, I doubt very much that your wife would want you to feel this way. You stood by your wife in her sickness as I did with my husband. I believe when you become your spouses caregiver you take on another road in your relationship which makes the bond between you even closer. Keep posting here, this is a very good place to be.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

Larry,

i hope you can find some peace, and that maybe some of our posts may help you. we are all on the same path, but we handle it diferently at different times. I hope you can find your way to a more peaceful path.

Anna..

oh, the quacking! that is so funny! I wish I had those kinds of sounds on my phone. What a perfect diversion in the midst of chaos. I too hope your products sell at market, from what i saw on the website they are really lovely and should attract people.

Dorothy.....

so, you're going to vegas by yourself in august..I think i got it! Lol! That's really going to be an adventure, vegas, all alone? will you drive, fly (i can't remember where you live)....and i thought you were timid about going by yourself, i guess not! I'm sure it will be great for you, on many levels, but to see that you can do big things on your own..the world opens back up a little when we stretch ourselves.

and you never know.....drinks AND dinner? how aboit some gambling money??? LOLOLO!!

I'm glad to be home, craziness ensuing, yet i feel more relaxed about things..lets see how long this lasts,.

the weirdest thing was picking my son up last night, who i haven't seen in a week. he was walking toward me and i was looking at ayoung man, handsome and sleepy, but not my little boy. I think it was the first time i saw him as so other....it was magical, i can't describe it, but i want to hold on to that feeling about him too.

i am glad to be back here and catching up.

oh, and oneta, my great friends, who i will dearly miss, are heading your way today, moving to georgetown (right outside of austin, i think).

have a wonderful day all,

peace (oh, my son brought me backa gift from wash dc...a bracelet made up of peace signs...ironic, eh? But i love it, and he knew i would!)

michele

[missyouhoney811]

Michele, I live in Pittsburgh, PA - so I will be flying to Vegas. Hey if I hit on numbers here SURE there will be gambling money for Vegas......LOL

I think a trip alone will do me good. Food, Shows, Spa and of course gambling sounds very exciting to me. I actually feel as if I have beenliving under a rock for over a year and coming out slowly.

My son is taking me to a Mothers Day Brunch. I personally hate going out on Mothers Day but he is insisting. I remember when John was managing restaurants he always said it was a zoo on mothers day. The biggest day in the restaurant business.

Anna, How right you are - signs are all around us if we actually open up and seek them out.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[scottslove]

Bandit1716 I'm so sorry for your loss. There is no short way out of the lonelyness atleast none that I have found. It's going on 10 months since I lost my Scott. Please come here often there are very kind understanding people on this site. There is a reason we are still here, in this life, I do believe God has a plan. You are meant to be here, maybe even meant to find this site. Don't give up!

Sometimes when I am feeling like I can't face another day I think of how hard this has been. And know I could never inflict that pain on those who love me.Don't think about getting through the days ahead without your love. Just think about getting through the next minute, you have made it a year you can make it one minute at a time. I know that feeling of wanting to isolate myself from the world. I have children to raise so I am not in a position to do that. But still I find myself when possible wanting to be by myself, sort of in my own head. But I think by shutting yourself off from the world you are closing all opportunities to find even the slightest glimmer of something to look foreward to. Try forcing yourself to get out alittle maybe force a hello to a stranger or whatever, just to remind your self that there is still life out there. Open the door just a little crack at a time. Other wise life is only a memory with no hope. And as long as we are alive there is always hope of a better tomorrow. One day in a not so distant place when it is time, you will see your wife again always remember that.

God Bless, I'm praying for you

[bsnurse76]

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers. Thank you so much for your support the last 6 months.

Mika-I just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your story is almost identical to mine, and I very much feel what you are going through. Darren was 45, would of been 46 the next day, and started to feel bad about 45 minutes before he was gone. I remember that sound of his last breath. Sometimes I would like to forget it. The whole night often plays over in my head. Just wanted to let you know, I am thinking of you. Brandi

[misshimstill]

Larry, I feel so badly for you as I read your post. I, too, know the pain you’re feeling and wanting to give up on life. I felt that way just two years ago, but I had to finally admit that it wasn’t my right to make the decision as to how and when I died. And something I read once really caught my attention. It was a letter that a bereaved husband had written to another more recently bereaved husband, telling him that if he took his life into his own hands the way he was being very tempted to do, he might be building a chasm between him and his wife, whom he loved so deeply, that he would never be able to cross. I don’t believe that suicide is the unpardonable sin, but I do think it is a serious one, and I finally decided it was not one I was willing to have to answer to God about when I stood before Him. I don’t know what your beliefs about God are, but that was, I guess, what stopped me finally. I never did anything outright to try to take my own life, but I was so depressed and I wanted to see my husband so badly that I wasn’t eating at all, and I knew if I kept that up for very much longer, it would kill me. I hope you will listen to the voices on this website urging you to continue living. We all have felt your pain to one degree or another. We will listen and talk to you about how you are feeling. We all strongly believe that your beloved wife can see you, and I’m sure she grieves for the pain you are feeling, as we do also. Please keep talking to us. It helps. I will add you to my prayer list, which is growing by the day since I got on this website.

Dorothy, I remember the songs you mentioned, A Horse With No Name and Johnny Angel. I LOVED Johnny Angel.

Michelle, Yes, Georgetown is just 30 miles to the north of Austin straight up I-35. We have many friends from our church who live in GT. It is a pretty little town, although Austin is growing north to meet it, so it isn’t so little anymore.

Brandi, I have similar memories and pictures playing over and over in my head. They were actually more like “flashbacks” than just pictures of the last day of Lamar’s life, especially of him walking to the bedroom, falling and dying just outside of the bedroom door. It was a horrible moment, the worst of my life – still, even to this point 34 years later. It doesn’t play (in my head) as often as it used to, but it does still play from time to time.

Goodnight and God bless everyone. ~Oneta

[mishknit]

oneta..

it would be really weird if you attend, i think..university church, something like that? I know my friends attended it while,they were visiting and deciding to move there, and stan even went to a choir practice (both are singers..he's a professional, amazing voice). wouldn't that be odd?

anyway..who knows, you might meet them, wouldn't that be a hoot? she helped me immensely during this whole time, she was a widow, her daughter was 18 when her husband died from a sudden heart attack..she has so been here for me, it's a terrible loss, frankly, selfishley, to me. she is remarried, and happy...gives me hope.

happy mothers day to all of the mothers here....

peace michele

[misshimstill]

Michelle, I'm not familiar with university church. If your friends are interested and would like to visit our church, it is in Round Rock, which is between GT and Austin. The name is New Hope Community Church. It's on the web. If they're looking for a church with a choir, we don't have that. However, we do have a couple of worship teams if they would be interested in anything like that. Does either of them play an instrument? Anyway, I would like to meet them, especially her. Maybe we could get together for coffee or something. We're in the phone book under Jack Hammans if she would like to give me a call. Like the two of you, we would have an obvious bond, both having been widows and also having remarried. I'm sure you will miss her a lot since she has helped you through so much of your pain. I can understand why it is so hard on you for her to be moving, and I don't think it's selfish at all for you to not want her to move. I see you've been up late writing. Me too. Had almost gotten to sleep when Jack came to bed, and that woke me up. I have restless leg syndrome, and that kicked in as soon as I woke up, so now I'm wide awake. Playing free cell on the computer. Fun game. I have played many a game with my insomnia. Blessings to all... ~Oneta

[lindat]

Wishing all of you a very gentle Mother's Day... I am off to work where there will be a line out the door all day

[anaciris]

I only got the courage to write once before about losing my fiance 5 weeks ago unexpectedly. Generally I just get too sad. But I wanted to get your opinion on something, those of you that have moved on remarried or are dating other men. At the moment it is not something I can seriously think about or really care. However, I have decided to get a tattoo, which is a copy of a tattoo my fiance had. I also wanted to get his name tattooed underneath, not very large but sort of like an artist signature. I was going to use a copy of his handwriting and put his first name on there. Some of my friends tell me that this would be a bad idea if I meet someone else in the future as they may not want to see it all the time and may feel insecure. I do think that's a valid concern, however, for me I don't think it would bother me if a man I met had the name of his deceased wife/girlfriend/fiancee in a tattoo. I think I just want something permanent to always have with me. I would think if I meet someone one day that person will have to accept me as I am and as I have become given this loss and will have to understand that I did love someone with all my heart and soul before them. Any thoughts from those of you that are further along in the grieving process than I am?

[misshimstill]

Anaciris, I'm glad you had the courage to post here and to ask your question. It is a tough question to answer. I lost my husband of only 2-1/2 years when I was 21 and he was 25 of a heart problem resulting from a childhood illness. I have very much wanted to find ways to keep him alive in my heart, but am also concerned that anything I choose to do would upset or threaten my current husband, who is very understanding of my need to honor my first husband's memory.

You are in a deep grieving period right now only five weeks out from your love's death. Naturally, during this time you are wanting very much to connect with him in a very special way, and I can see how having the tattoo with his name inscribed would help fulfill that need. I do believe that your friends have a point that anyone you meet in the future might have issues with such a permanent identification with your deceased fiance. I think anyone you meet who really loved you and cared about you would understand the need to remember him and always keep him special in your heart, but it is wise to ask questions and seriously consider doing something as permanent as a tattoo. I wonder if there are any ways you could “try it out” before actually doing it. Are there ways it could just be applied in a temporary way, so that if you later changed your mind about it, it could be removed? Or are there other things you could do or wear that would achieve a similar purpose? Or is there a part of your body you could have it placed, as well as making it very small, so that it would not draw a lot of attention to itself, but would have special meaning to you? I do agree that this could become a real issue for you with anyone else you might meet and fall in love with. You could come to regret having had a tattoo placed on your body, as well. I’m obviously not saying DON’T DO IT! I’m also not saying you SHOULD do it. I AM saying that you should consider it very seriously for a while before actually doing it, and maybe during that time you could think of other ways to remember him.

How are you doing in other ways? Are you adjusting to this great loss in your life in other ways, or are you having a really tough time emotionally, spiritually, etc.? This is a good place to come to talk about how you’re feeling - with people who have had similar losses to yours and can understand the see-saw of emotions that accompany it. Thanks for posting and I hope to hear from you again.

Blessings,

Oneta

[misshimstill]

Larry,

I hope you're still with us. I've thought a lot about you this morning and prayed for you, as well. Going by the number of women who responded to you, there are obviously quite a number of us who are concerned for your welfare. I hope to see a posting from you soon to let us know how you're doing. Blessings, Oneta

[debramarie]

dear misshimstill thankyou for taking the time to read my message and for your kind words.it helps s lot to kno there are still kind people out there.

we had johnys memorial yesterday,there were more than 200hundred people there.

it was a beautiful srvice,but i still cant get my head around the fact that hes gone,

thankyou