I Miss Him So...

[missyouhoney811]

Anna - The first post did not go through - its there now........Where do they go?

I to feel the same about John even tho he was sick he gave me so much comfort, just being here. I'll always miss him. My clock just went off. He must have control of it.

Take Care, Dorothy

[susanbruce]

It's been awhile since I last posted my thoughts. I do read every day, seeing those of you that have been here for just as long as myself or longer then all of the new friends that have come for comforting words.

This Saturday April 21 marks my 1st anniversary at losing Bruce. Time has flown by for me - it hurts that I've lived an entire year with out seeing him. We were married for 26.5 years when he died. He died of a sudden and very, very unexpected heart attack - he had not been ill at all, just started having chest pains and lots of sweating that afternoon. He was only 58. Much too young.

Our first grandchild was born 9 months to the day that Bruce died. My daughter and I call Caidan our little gift from Heaven. Bruce and I had talked the weekend before he died, wondering if we were ready to be grandparents. We decided that we were ready but not sure if our daughter and her husband were ready yet.

I want to be alone this Saturday, it's going to be an emotional time. I plan to go to the cemetary and sit with by his grave. Hopefully the weather will be nice. My 3 sisters, meaning well, think that I should not be alone. They want to take me to breakfast or lunch, then all of us go to the cemetary. Bruce wasn't that fond of any of my sisters, so I think he would be upset that they would dictate to me what I should be doing on that day. In a very nice way I am going to tell them that I really would like to be alone in my grief that day.

Do any of you have dreams about your husbands? I keep having dreams that Bruce is back but either doesn't want to have anything to do with me, won't come back here to live or wants to divorce me. They are intense and upset me alot. I used to have them before he passed away and I would tell him about them and he would laugh and tell me he wasn't going anywhere. Why do I keep having these dreams?

When I went to the cemetary yesterday I asked God to help me stop having them.

Right now I live for my daughter and my grandson. I'm only 50 years old and I really don't want to live a long life without Bruce - I live for the time when I can join him in Heaven.

My thoughts are with all of you - Susan

[mishknit]

i too, read every day....

susan..nice to hear from you. I'm so sorry about your dreams, i have read other people have had dreams like that. I'm not sure what it alal means, but I can see how upsetting it would be. coming up to your year tho...it's not easy, not easy to imagine that a year has passed. not easy to deal with the way people will start to think you should be all better, when the 2nd year brings its own, different issues and pain. Choosing to be alone is one way of handling it.....only you know what is best for you, and you should honor that. ai had a big party..well, party is a relative word i guess.but a lot of people over, that was my way.

thank god we're all different and can share with each other....it's so helpful. the 21st is 15 months for me...that day, the 21'st..a loaded day for both of us each month....i'm so sorry. hang inthere, post as you need to....i'll be thinking about you, and i'm sure others will too.

anna..i hope you're feeling better. I have not been sick since tom died (where's some wood to knock!!), but I know how he'd take such good care of me, and how i'll miss that when the time comes. my son has been surprising me with sweetness lately, so maybe he'll be a help..BUT...I'm not going to get sick!!!

jeanne...i liked your poem too...keep posting them!

jokece...please just keep posting, not all the time you get resonses...just because, but we all read the posts and want to keep hearing from you. I am sorry for your loss...hang in there.

everyone else/...

peace to you all,

michele

[fourleafclover]

I sit here and read all your posts, trying to find just one that I can relate to. After 7 years, I can hardly even talk about it, and then I realise that no matter how far apart everyone is, or have countries separating them; the one thing remains the same: the losses are still there and even though everyone's loss is different, the pain, anger and hurt seems the same. It all comes down to feeling so alone and wanting to die also at times. It all comes down to starting again, and never being able to forget. I can't imagine how you all do it, when there are times that I feel that I cannot do it; that how can one person feel so much pain and anguish...and survive? How do you cope at night? I can hardly breathe and everytime I close my eyes...I see him. Please, can somebody just tell me how they cope?

[sidvis]

What do I do at night? Well, if I can't sleep I start saying the Lord's prayer over and over in my head, like a mantra. Maybe throw in a Hail, Mary now and then. These two prayers are soothing and calm me into a sleep state. I can't think of any thing else when I am concentrating on them. If they don't work and I am still troubled, I will write in my journal to get all my feelings out. Plus, I try to be very active during the day so I am really tired at night. There is no magic to this. It is something one has to do.

[lindat]

It is 15 months for me today and I miss him so much. Seems like years ago since he held me, on the other hand it seems like yesterday since I kissed him goodbye in the hospital.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families of the students that died yesterday, I can't even imagine what they will have to go through. So much sadness for a life time.

Hope all of you can find some peace today.

[mishknit]

4leafclover....

i breathe. I put one foot in front of the other and move ahead as best i can. i have a son that needs me, and friends and family that need me, and a dog. I rememeber, daily, that i am not dead and that there are things i can, and will do in this world that will make a difference. i talk to people, i engage in the world and in life, and sometimes i go back to bed and say the hell with it all.

i don't know how to tell you how to cope..it's different for all of us. i hope you find your way...keep posting here tho, venting is a good way to cope.

lindat..the 21st is my 15 months...it is unbelievable, just yesterday i hit him in the ribs for snoring

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

Fourleafclover: Nights are hard for me to. I have my cats, but Ishaq and I never had children, so the house is so quiet. Too quiet. I actually miss his snoring, though it used to keep me awake!

How do I get through? Through music, through the various Native and Sufi ceremonies and classes and gatherings that are my spiritual tradition. By throwing myself into my art, and by walking in nature, where I feel Ishaq so strongly. Playing with the cats. Gardening, knowing how much Ishaq loved our fresh raspberries and tomatoes. There is beauty in the world, even when there is ugliness.

It's hard not to wonder "why are the people that do bad things alive when the good are all dying?" Why are there old guys still alive with millions of dollars polluting our waters and killing our forests. I don't know. Seems to me that a lot of people have made the exit lately. One of my close friends from California told me that since Ishaq passes she's lost 14 friends. 14! I couldn't believe it. And a lot of them weren't that old either.

I'm on day 5 of the flu, with fevers waking me up in the middle of the night. It sucks big time. I force myself to do the dishes so I can actually walk into the kitchen without screaming. Part of me is angry with Ishaq, if you are spirit now why can't you come and work some healing magic on me, make me better? though I know that those who have crossed over have to let us still living make our own way. It doesn't help either that my kitten jumped on the bed two nights ago, missed and landed on my face with her claws out, so I have a big scratch under my eye.

I'm going to try to wash my hair this morning, I feel really gross and tired, but at least my fever is lower this morning. My neighbor is an ICU nurse and I check in with her every day and she tells me just keep doing what I'm doing, and she's bringing me some vegetable chowder she made a little later. I'm glad I have some friends who can help out. Ishaq's sister and brother and law will be here next week too, which will be nice, I hope I have the energy to clean up the office/guest room, I have boxes scattered all over.

Hope you all have peace today,

Anna

I

[justamom]

Linda and Michele, and everyone, My 15 months was on the 15th (Poetic?) It was a terrible day. I just felt so down and low all day. I took Steve's mom and my mom to see our psychic on saturday and that was great. She did a group reading and we got "read" right off the bat. I didn't really feel like I needed anything but Steve's mom relly did. Steve came through and said he was with his dad and his grandmother and that I was doing everything right. I recently lost a diamond earring that he gave me and she said that he has it and it will turn up sometime. He likes my new puppy and likes to watch the boys run around with her. She also said that he was happy about my new relationship and gave me permission to move on. I don't know - but I sort of think that is what bummed me out. I have said all along that I know that he wouldn't want me to be sad or alone but having her say that to me just kind of makes eveything so final. Life goes on without him. It also made me miss him really bad. I felt like I had just talked to him but it really wasn't enough at all. I can totally see how people get "hooked" on that stuff. I am going to see my therapist today so hopefully that will help pull me out of my funk. I have really been thinking baouthim lately which is something I really try not to do. I still don't ever dream about him so I have been trying to make a conscious effort to think about him. It just makes me so sad. TO think about his smile, his laugh and those beautiful green eyes. This all just sucks so bad. I feel really guilty about hanging out with hockey boy too - not because of Steve but because I think how much that has to suck for him, to hang out with a woman who is in love with a dead guy. How unfair for him. I still feel like I am losing my mind to - and my keys, checkbook, earring, bracelet etc. Really, When does this get better?!?!

Anna, so sorry you are sick. Hang in there.

Take care everyone, Lisa

[rodless]

When does this get better? Maybe on the day we join them?? This last week has been awful with random thoughts and pictures in my mind that make me miss him terribly. Coming back to work after lunch I had this sudden clear vision of him walking down the street with a big smile on his face. He used to work across the street so we always saw each other randomly through the day. I sucked it up becuase I had to go back to work. I always get through the day by promising myself a good memory cry session later. I have a friend who will hit her 2 yr. mark the 5th of May and she really though the second year was easier. I'm hanging on to that thought. I don't see how is could be worse.

Hello to everyone who has recently joined this board. I wish you didn't have to, but we're all here to help and support. Mary Jo

[kathy51]

I read all of your post...not everyday..but i catch up when i do read...My days are like most of yours...missing him so much..wondering how i will ever survive this..and still loving him forever...The pain is tremendous...I sometimes feel like I cant make it..but i have 2 beautiful children and 3 grandchildren that need me..They save me..Love to you all...Kathy

[mishknit]

i don't know how or when or if we'll ever get over it..i don't think it's possible. we just learn to live with it.

In therapy today we talked about something that has been happening to me the last couple of weeks...flashbacks. I thought i was going backwards, my therapist assures me i'm not. But it has been hard.....i keep seeing him in the er, dead....the dr's working on him..i relive driving there, talking to and telling people. Things i had forgotten, like screaming on the phone in the er when i called to tell my best friend he was dead, the sound of my sister in law screaming from Minn. when i called to tell them, the shock of the people in my home, going to the bathroom, and getting caught in the mirror like a deer in headlights..saying "i am a widow"....things that i had pushed away. I guess enough time has gone by for me to remember some of this stuf...it sucks, tho, it sucks!!

15 months....linda, lisa, darlene and i are all so close ...all january 2006..seems like forever ago, and like yesterday.

UGH! bummer tonite, sorry.....i just sent out invites for a goodbye party for the friend, the ONE friend, I had who was a widow..she's remarried, and has been such a great support system..she's moving to texas, for god's sake! I've also been going thru vhs, to make them into dvd's...seeing him, hearing him,

a hard few weeks.

but the good things too....g4etting ready to do a play reading that a friend of mine wrote..haven't done anything creative in so long. Been writing like crazy, eventually something will come of it.....

gardening. like anna..love it, cleaning, moving stuff around....changes that are good.

anyway....

what a vent!

sorry,

peace to you all..

mchele

[lindat]

Michele, Don't be sorry, thank you for venting. I go through the same thing almost every day - flashbacks. Just exactly the way you describe and I thought I was the only one that did. A friend of mine who is a Viet Nam vet said that it is PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) or very near like it. I hope it doesn't last forever, but on the other hand I never want to forget. Hopefully one day we can remember without the excrutiating pain. Peace to you as well. Linda

[justamom]

Hi girls, I was actaully diagnosed with PTSD from the accident. My therapist has spent a great deal of time taking me back and desensitising me to the events that trigger my flashbacks. They are really scary flashbacks - I won't go into them but they are always in my head and come out at really inconvenient moments. My therapist said that your brain blocks them until you are ready to face and deal with them. I don't think I would ever be ready to deal with them so that is why she forced the issue.I am sure that those are the worst moments in any of our lives and having to relive them really sucks. I hope you are doing okay Michele. All of you hang in there. Take care, Lisa

[armaiti]

Lisa and Michele, so sorry for the troubles you are having. I wasn't with Ishaq when he passed - at least when his spirit left his body, out there on the river. But I was in the ER when they brought him in and he wasn't breathing and they couldn't get his heart to keep beating.

I could hardly eat or sleep until my friend and I went and did the ceremony with his body, dressing him for the cremation placing pictures and sacred objects with him. When we were done I first let her have time alone with him and then I had my alone time. Everything shifted for me. She told me that this was the old way, that the women dressed and cared for the departed, to help them walk that next journey. And the energy did shift for me. I didn't have my last memory of him being in the ER with tubes, instead I saw him dressed in his old tie dye shirt and jeans with flowers and tobacco ties and things he loved.

I don't see a therapist - it's not something that works for me. I actually got in a big argument with a friend recently (who is a counselor) and was shocked I wasn't seeing someone. I've had really bad experiences with counselors, and most of what I do and how I do it around Ishaq's death would be so foreign to most of them. But I do ceremony, and that my practices and that is the only therapy I need. I'm not judging anybody elses choices, I know it's a great healer for many, but damn I'm tired of people telling me what they think I ought to be doing!

So Day 6 of the flu...fever is down, and my appetite is slowly returning though I have to tempt myself to eat. At least it looks rainy again today. I prefer to be sick on the rainy days, then the sunny ones.

Hope you all have peace today,

Anna

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone:

I think we all need to do what works best for us. We all have had different lives and experiences. What people don't understand that haven't been through what we have is that we all do experience PTSD. That is another reason why grieving is so difficult and heart wrenching. It's why we can't sleep, why we are depressed, anxious and why it is the reason we isolate ourselves sometimes from others. I know for me, I can't stand being with people who talk nonsense...like things they really think are a problem or gossiping. I just can't waste me time on these things...mostly because I am low on energy. Or, people act like nothing happened for me and my family because they just don't know what to say. Why can't others realize what we are really going thru?

Oh well, there's my two cents worth. Try and stay grounded the only way you can and get the support you all need to get thru this. Yes, I also think we will always grieve but I have to keep telling myself that, I only have today.

God bless you all.

[justamom]

Anna, You and me both - so sick of EVERYONE having an opinion on what, when and how I should be doing things. I am geting so much better at not listening to them or letting them get to me. Which is something that I have never been good at! I just got home from a 6 mile walk with my puppy, the sun is shining, I took my IPod with all of Steve's music on it and I must say my heart and my spirit are very light and happy. Such a nice feeling for a change. Hope you kick this flu soon. I haven't been sick in a very long time - which I am very thankful for. With 2 little people with me all the time - I have no time or energy to be sick! Take care, Peace to you all. Lisa

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi ladies! I'm so sorry so many of us are having a rough time. 15 months is so hard (it was for me and still is in alot of ways at 20 months) it DOES get easier..or maybe we just get numbe? personally I am REALLY tired of grief. I think maybe you just hit bottom and climb back up? Don't get me wrong, I am allowing myself to mourn. it just get's so freaking old after awhile,yk?

as for other's giving advice..ugh! tune them out!!!! or sometimes you will just have to straight out tell people you aren't looking for advice (direct approach works.lol) btw I am thinking (have been contemplating it for a year now) using a sperm donor and having another baby eventually in a couple of years! talk about having other's giving advice! haha!

[darleneandhunter]

Sorry, folks, I have been scatterbrained as of late...

I overdrafted one of my bank accounts...ugh, the list could go on....

I have been reading everyone's posts.

I sought out a therapist, but not because of Mark's death, but because I need help in getting out of my depression. I have suffered with depression most of my life to begin with. Certainly, his passing has alot to do with it, but it's everything else piled on top of it making things overwhelming for me.

The 15th month anniversary of Mark's passing was the 16th. It didn't really affect me. However, the next day caught me off guard. We are preparing for a yardsale this coming Saturday, and Hunter and I started going through some of his toys. There are toys in his room that he has either outgrown, are broken, or he just doesn't play with at all any more. I ran across some of the things that his father gave him - silly little fast food toys - that made me very sad. Combined with the horrible, rainy, cold weather we have had for nearly a week, I coudn't stand it any more. I jumped in the shower, then jumped in my bed.

I do feel a little better today, but I cannot STAND it when people, like my long lost friend, tell me it's time for me to move on. MOVE ON? As in forget he was a part of my life for 13 years? How can I do that?

It's only been 15 months. I tried to explain to him that in this situation, time is irrelevant. I have no doubt that as time goes on, I will feel every so slightly better. I know that life DOES go on. I honestly think he is looking for the person I used to be, but he won't find her. He does not understand that a part of me no longer exists, and that "normal" is something I have to find, whatever that may be.

It's all very frustrating. I thought that he, of all people, would "get it", but he really doesn't. He tried to compare it to his divorce. NO WAY! Although I am sure he loved her at one time, he claims he hates her vehemently. Regardless, she is still ALIVE, and can drive to her house and scream it at her if he wants to. No matter HOW I am feeling, I don't have that option, EVER.

I agree with some of his points. He tells me how Mark lives on in Hunter. I don't doubt that. And I try my hardest to give Hunter a good life. I force myself out of bed daily. I make plans. I take him places. I take photos and video all the time. The part of him that lives on in Hunter can never replace the man that Mark was, and I will never think that it will.

My friend seems to think I am being a bit too selfish. He is also talking from the side that had to fight an ex wife for custody of his child, and won. He blesses every single day with his son, and I don't blame him. I love every day with my son as well, but I cannot help but feel hollow about it. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Mark and I were supposed to raise him TOGETHER. We were supposed to grow old TOGETHER. We were supposed to do EVERYTHING together......

Life does go on, it really does, some days are just easier than others.

[lauraa]

May 16th will be the 3 year anniversary for me.....I just feel as if a weight is hanging over my shoulders. Three years and I still feel all the pain. When we are left with kids, house, bills and all the rest we have to work through all of that and sometimes that keeps us from grieving and that is why I think it takes so long and is so painful. My kids are the reason I pulled myself out of bed each and everyday and I know that is what my husband would want me to do. I knew all the big anniversaries would be hard but it is all the day to day things that get us, too! I truely don't think we will ever really get over our grief. Like our love for our loved ones this will be with us forever. We just have to learn how to manage the pain and hurt. And, to take one day at a time. NOT EASY!

[waynesliljeanne]

to all of you - reading the posts today, all I can say is ... YUP, what they said.

Two years, 1 month and 26 days and 31 minutes and counting. I fell the other day,

passed out actually, and when I came to I had 2 thoughts - why does my face hurt, and why isn't Wayne here. Then I figured, I probably wouldn't be right here, right now, if Wayne was here. I have that thought a lot. Life would be so much different if.... I try real hard every day to want to be here. Wayne told me, I may be getting Heaven, but you get to taste, smell, experience, LIVE. And I try to be greatful for that, but most days I just want to be with him. I tell myself I'm just feeling sorry for myself and to growup and get on with things. And I do - for all of about 2 minutes. I have a new job - and I am getting some new furniture, but everything is just surface.

I feel rather 2 dimensional - flat, like if I closed one eye I might disappear.

Each day I go on stage - but everyone else had the chance to practice their lines, and I didn't, and the play goes on with me adlibbing, hoping it works ok.

I was handed a life full of questions, but the answers were all erased when he died. I used to have answers - lots of them, to most of the questions and problems that came my way. Until the day he asked me "you can't fix this one, can you?"... and the only answer I had was "no". I don't have answers anymore.

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- I bet your friend is just trying to say something helpful, about moving on and such. (I know it doesn't help at ALL!) but just remember until someone has been there, they really have no clue what it's like at all. they can pretend to, but they just don't and won't until it happens to them. it's hard to ignore though when they REALLY beleive what they are telling you. it comes off hurtful without intending to though!

jeanne- your post is great. though I can clearly feel your pain. I do love the way you write and describe things. I do feel like if I close one eye I might dissapear...

lauraa- 3 years. wow. I'm so sorry. t doesn't get easier does it? I am rapidly approaching 2 years. in a way this past year has been lonlier but I am also gaining clarity bit by bit.

[armaiti]

Darlene - I had a friend come up to me at a party a while back and first tell me how she appreciated all my writings about Ishaq and our continued connection. Then she went on to tell me about how important ceremony was for her when her dog died. I was sort of stunned...it seemed in a way she was equating her loss of her dog with my loss of Ishaq. I realize she didn't mean anything wrong by it, and she really did treat that dog like it was her child, but it still made me feel, well, wierd and put off. People say things and they aren't always helpful. You move forward with your own baby steps, going at the rate you need.

Like my close friend says, one full walk around the sun to grieve intensely, and seven to grieve.

Jeanne - so sorry you fell, are you ok now? You said you passed out, do you know why?

I'm feeling quite a bit better today, the flu is finally subsiding. I'm just coughing hard off and on. Another friend called and he had it 10 days!! This is my 7th. But I know I'm getting better. I almost feel purified in some way, all that sweating and fever and not eating. (involuntary vision quest by virus!)

And April, wow, another baby! I'm not so good with kids, but I bet I'll keep adopting cats!

Peace to you all,

Anna

[justamom]

April, I too am contemplating another baby. Steve and I had been talking about another one - I have always wanted more but he wanted to make sure his business was good, we would have enough time etc.. Long story short that has been one of the hardest parts for me - unfullfilled promises. I would love to adopt, My boys and I talk about adopting a little "brown" baby girl. From anywhere would be fine with me. I have also thought about just being a foster family but i would have a horrible time giving them back. I think about a sperm donor as well. I have a couple of friends who have gone that route. i know that if I try to adopt it will be difficult to get a baby - being a single parent with children of my own. My mom just wants me to get married again and have more... I don't know. I guess when the time is right I will know what to do. Until then I love on other peoples babies, my boys and my puppy. Greys Anatomy had a song on tonight about "I miss you everyday" I couldn't hear all of it and I didn't get the credits at the end to see what the name or the artist was - Any other Greys watchers that got it? It sounded like a very pretty and perhaps poigniant song. Hope you are all well. Peace to all. Lisa

[armaiti]

I just got done watching it and thought the same thing when I heard the song...they'll probably have it up in the music guide in a bit, once they put that episode in the episode guide.

I finally got the bright idea to take some acidolphilus capsules and finally the shooting pains in my stomach are subsiding. I am sooooo tired of being sick and tired! At least it was sunny and nice and I got out and sat and walked around the yard a bit, got some fresh air. Each day a little better!

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Lisa- well I'm glad I am not the only one... folks just think I am nuts or talking out of my @ss. it really upets me because if I just had a one night stand it would be more acceptable than paying for a sperm donor! I am waiting 2 years from now then will decide for sure (I will likely start trying to conceive in July '09 though!) I have already started looking at donors and sperm banks,etc! seriously, I don't want another relationship now but I DO think I want another child! I am going to be 33 in July so my clock is starting to tick IYKWIM! I may change my mind but as time goes on I think this is really what I want to do. I have decided to not talk about it much anymore in IRL though until I am pregnant (except w/ my mother) as I have gotten less than enthusiatic reponses from folks over this! I don't know why folks just can't be happy for me if this is what I really want to do?

Anna- glad you are starting to feel better! acidolphilis sure works wonders though odoesn't it? (me and my kids take it too!)

[naz496]

so sorry to hear that some of u are ill. Touch would i have not got sick. Its been 17 weeks 6 days. and Im sure in some ways its easier but I feel that emotionally its not. I can at least glance at Mals pictures now. I really want to look at them for hrs but It will then make me realise that he is NEVER coming back. Whilst know this ,my heart doesnt. I hate him for doing this to us. I told him for 12 yrs almost every day he cant keep pushing himself working 100hr weeksI begged him to think of his health and us but he couldnt. the week before he died hw did quit his jobfor less hrs and did see a therepist and did start a weight loss program, But I still am so angry at him for dying. I told him and told him and told him and although he did finally listen it was too late. I couldnt make him realise he would leave my two kids 3 and 6 with no father,and all the other crap that goes along with it.

Been having chest pain the last week. I know its stress but i cant help it.did get it checked out though, just to be on the safe side. Dr thinks that I should go onto anti depressants.Not in favour of this. Im not depressed for no reason my life just is rediculasly hard. She should try raising 2 small kids and no money etc etc buy herself, and see how far she gets with grief. I am starting to have to acknowlede that he died but i dont want to as its hurts so much. I want him back. My daughter saw one of my husbands shirts in the wash as i got it back from a friend as I wanted to keep it and she nows thinks that daddy is coming home, how do I tell her all over again that hes not. evry time she sees a plane or a helicopter she calls out for him. its heart wrenching. My son still does nothing, not a tear. a few tears at the funeral and that has been it. he is seven and doesnt deserve this,

Sorry having a bad day, Its sunday down here in australia. I hate sundays.

sunday was the only day Mals was home all day.

hope everyone finds some peace today.

naz

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi ladies! I just got this book and thought I'd post the title here. it was worth seeking out (you'll have to cut and paste the link)

Wrap Myself In a Rainbow (a workbook for grieving)

http://www.amazon.com/Wrap-Myself-Rainbow-Paul-Alexander/dp/082451520X/ref=sr_1_4/104-1454928-6630312?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177217794&sr=8-4

Naz- I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. I have sooo been there and am still there somedays. just know it's ok to be angry and depressed. embrace it, then let it go...I don't always think anti depressants are the way to go, but sometimes they are necessary for some folks! You will have to decide that for yourself. have you thought about what you can do yourself that would make you feel better besides meds? there are alot of alternatives to meds, if you aren't comfortable with them. right now I am working on sleeping enough (this is my MAJOR trigger to depression I have discovered) and I am also starting new vitamins, supplements & herbs and decreasing my sugar and caffeine intake and adding more raw organic foods into my diet. (I used to be an organic~ zealot and have fallen HARD off that wagon since DH died) overall these days, I am feeling pretty good. the sleep does ansolute wonders for me. I can't beleive the difference in my mood & attitude.

[missyouhoney811]

Naz - My physician said what I was going through was normal but if I needed help he would provide the meds for me. I was always against medication that would put a cloud over my brain. I always believed in dealing with all situations. Even the hardiest, the death of my husband. It's been over 8 months now, still miss him and I always will. I had a crying spell yesterday while sitting in a car wash. Once I got out, I called a friend and asked her to meet me for a drink. Good move on my part. We laughed, had a few drinks and enjoyed alot of conversation. We talked alot about my John. Everyone is different, if you feel you need medication by all means have your doctor write you a prescription.

To the girls that are thinking about having a baby in the future. God Bless all of you. If that is what you want..........go for it. I remember when I was 38 I wanted another baby. I was happy I didn't tho because at that time my John was on all sorts of meds for his arthritis. I found out later that his meds would have hurt the baby (if there was one). Whatever we want in life lets try to go after it. Remember we are our keeper.

I can't wait for my X-rays on Tuesday. Hoping I do not have to have surgery. Being a wounded bird is getting the best of me. I simply hated putting my gym classes on hold. This body will just have to wait to take on a new shape.....

The sun is out and I feel good today. Maybe I'll visit John. Take Sherman (dog) for a ride. Hope you all have a good day.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

*****IS ANYONE ELSE HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS SITE? ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO USE THE ARROW LEFT AND RIGHT TO READ.........IT IS A PAIN.....

[armaiti]

Naz, I agree with Dorothy and April, if you need feel you need to do the meds then you should. I took St. John's Wort in tincture and tea form for a while after Ishaq's passing - the herb I used for the tea was from plants Ishaq and I had picked together just a week before he died, so I felt it had extra power to help. (I've used the yarrow from that same trip for my flu this last week). I've found St John's Wort to be a very gentle yet powerful help when I've been really depressed.

I'm feeling healthier today, so I'll be able to perform at the Mideast Peace/Earth Day Festival here today, so that will be good. Though I just don't get excited about it anymore much. This will be one of the last times I play with the band, I'm backing away as it just isn't fun anymore. I feel like I need changes but not sure what yet. I'm playing with the Native drum tonight too and that I really enjoy. I've started to learn Lakota online so I can understand the powwow songs better, many of them are in Lakota.

Ishaq's sister and brother-in-law will be here for a visit next week and that will be nice. The house is so empty without Ishaq, especially at night. Plus, they'll help me get the garden up to speed - this flu really knocked me off schedule for getting the garden and yard in shape and it's a mess. I'm about to eat my first lettuce from the garden though, and the 50 strawberries I planted are all covered in flowers. Our lilacs are blooming - I picked a bunch and have them on Ishaq's ancestor altar. I have a lot to do, but it's hard to do anything sometimes. Next Saturday it will have been nine months. I can't believe it's been that long. I still expect him to come home from work, to see him working in the yard or riding up on his bike. I feel him now while I type. I try to imagine us still walking side by side through life, just in different forms. And I know I'll miss his physical presence ever day, ever second, and that will never change.

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- my yard is a mess too. a big mass of weeds. I need to go just deal with it. I have been ignoring it though. it's not like we have a lawn or anything (I'm in the desert) lol. I have slacked on planting veggies..so have had to buy plants. so much easier but I feel like I cheated. we have lots of tomatoes and peppers started! (I am hoping to can as much salsa,tomatoes and spagetti sauce as I can this summer/fall) the fruit trees I've planted are leafing (peaches,apricots,plums,cherry,apple and pear-though I don't expect fruit for at least 2 years.) and I am gettings lots of grapes clusters on the vines. oh and blueberries! I had strawberries almost ready to pick but my rooster ate them! (yes we got a rooster about a month ago! hehe.) the chicks should start laying eggs in just 8 more weeks or so! I'm so excited! btw I am getting rain barrels next month for water harvesting. things are shaping up just like I like. (My goal is this- well I guess this is my inspiration I should say www.pathtofreedom.com )

Dorothy- thank you for your encouraging words on the baby issue. I am finding this is going to be a lonley journey as most folks think I'm nuts or just oppose the idea. maybe they are just shocked? I wonder what's so shocking about wanting another baby? I am finding these issues fascinating. societal norms & misconceptions, stereotypes, peoples morals and beliefs, assumptions.etc. I just know personally of a few people who will have a heart attack if they know I impregnated myself! like a one night stand would be more acceptable. so wierd. there are definitly stereotypes put on widows and single mothers I am not liking! geesh. I'M not dead! I feel so stigmitized at times though and so alone. Like I am just a freak on a freaky journey. (albeit I wouldn't trade it- I have very few regrets in my life thus far)

someone on another board told me this yesterday..that maybe my DH is covorting with my baby-to-be's spirit and he is working toward a better good or something to that effect. I had never thought of that really but it was kind of comforting in a way. I HAVE been thinking alot about DH and a baby latley. I guess I am mourning the fact I will never have HIS children again. It doesn't mean I can't/shouldn't become a mother again though. I'm still young and there's no reason to let my dreams die too, right? also I think my kids deserve another sibling too! I know if DH were here he'd tell me to go for it in a heartbeat. don't know why that matters, but it does.

anywho, sorry dodn't mean to turn this into a long rambling post. this is just where I'm at!

[aprilmoonflower]

not ONE post in 2 days?!?

where is everyone?

hope everyone is well.

[armaiti]

Hey April and everyone - I'm exhausted, hardly did anything today. Played last night both on the Native drum and with the Middle Eastern band for a Mideast Peace festival. It was fun, but tiring. Good food, one of the organizers has a wonderful restaurant so we had lamb curry, spanikopita, hummus, rice, salad - I ate more than I had in a while, since I'd been so sick. But today I'm paying for it - still just trying to take it easy, made a new design for my store and set it up, did a little laundry, but sat in the sun a lot and rested so I don't get sick again. I've been warned that this flu saps your energy and can come back to bite you if you don't rest. I'm hoping to get a little weeding done tomorrow. Got the first flowers on my peas (snow, snap and shelling), and the first lettuce is ready to eat. I noticed the first flowers on the raspberries setting fruit. I can't believe that almost nine months has passed.

I just watched Dreamkeeper, it's a great DVD, a great story (I love that John Trudell plays Coyote). Going off to bed soon, snuggle with the kitten if she comes in from chasing moths in the yard, and try to get some rest.

Hope you all are well,

Peace,

Anna

[fourleafclover]

Everyday, I log onto this site and just sit and read everybody's posts. I try and find little pieces in each story to help me put together my own. I take advice here and there, but nothing is there to tell my heart to go on. Nothing indicates to me that my heart will feel something other than pain, pain, pain. I know there are all of you out there trying to cope with your loss and pain, but I don't know how you guys get up each day; how you go to work; how you take proper care of your children; and finally, at night...how you close your eyes and fall asleep? I don't know how to do it? I have'nt had one night's good sleep in seven years and my children think I'm a drag. I smile and laugh with them; I spend time with them; we talk about everything; and yet, my mind stays with him. My children (and husband) know how distracted I am, and I cannot explain to them why I feel this way. It's like living this huge lie. Although my husband knows how I fell apart after he died, I'm sure he thinks that I should've moved on by now. How can I make them my number one priority and stay more focused on them and our life together? How can I take my memories and the fact that I miss him so much, and just shove it into a filing cabinet somewhere in the back of my head? I so would love to do that, and "get over it". I am so angry with myself all the time.

[sidvis]

fourleafclover, I think you beter get yourself to a therapist. It is not right that you are so down when you have a family to take care of. You could ask you doctor to recommend someone. I believe you realize this, so take action today. Think of your family and don't be stubborn about it.

[rodless]

I have been down for 5 days with the most wicked cold I have ever had. Been feeling REALLY sorry for myself etc. etc. Then yesterday I picked up Grief Observed by Lewis. I had read it shortly after Rod died but I don't think I was ready for it then. One thing came out and hit me on the head...the phrase maudlin tears. I am well aquainted with those and very tired of them!!! I got to thinking about the way I was after my divorce when I couldn't seem to get beyond it (it took me over 5 years) and I thought there is no way I want to be like that again and that's the trap I've fallen into over the past 2 months. I had been doing pretty good but I've really slipped - I know that's ok but I don't like being miserable 24/7. So...I am trying hard to pick myself up and get on with it, missing Rod but realizing that there is no way to go back. Happiness (or peace or contentment, whatever) is a conscious choice I need to make NOW or I will spend another 5 yrs. wallowing and wasting time. Just my opinion. Mary Jo

[rivieraparadise]

Fourleafclover,

I also log on to this website daily and read what others are going through and how they are handling their new lives, but I do not write often. Your message got my attention because I too fall into the feeling that I’m living a huge lie. I put on a smile, and go on with my life taking care of my children, going out with friends and working to pay the bills all the time knowing that on the inside my heart is broken and I want to drop to the floor and cry. I believe this is grief, this is the way I handle living my life without my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life. However, I am quick to remember that I have a good life. I remember this because I am who I am because of him. Even though we only had 9 short years together, his love helped me become the person, mother, friend I wanted to be and still am today. I feel I honor his memory by doing what would make him proud. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself is not the answer (even though I do it on occassion). And yes, I still grieve for him everyday, but I consciously do not let the grief destroy me. One of the first quotes I read was, “Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped…grief will make a new person out of you…” I don’t know how long the tumbling, crashing, bruising and reshaping is going to take, but I decided not to let it kill me.

Don’t let the grief destroy you and the wonderful memories and life you had with your husband. Enjoy your children, they are an extension of him, just like you are. And as Sidvis said, find a counselor, make sure they specialize in grief so you can get past the negative of living without him and focus of the positives, like the time you had together and the love you shared. Or, pick up one of the many wonderful books mentioned on this board to help get you going in the right direction. While we will never forget our previous lives, our present lives are worth living if we give them a fair chance.

To all of you on this board, thank you so much for sharing your daily lives, I cannot express my gratitude enough for helping me through the last 16 months.

[aprilmoonflower]

here is a poem I found in a book I was reading recently

("I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye")

just thought I'd share..

you don't get over it

you just get through it

you don' get by it

because you can't get around it

it doesn't get "better"

i just gets different

every day...

grief puts on a new face.

[rodless]

“Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped…grief will make a new person out of you…” I don’t know how long the tumbling, crashing, bruising and reshaping is going to take, but I decided not to let it kill me.

What a great quote and a great message. THANKS! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Fourleafclover - if you haven't had one good night's sleep in seven years then you really should try to get some help. I have written here that I am doing my process on my own with my spiritual traditions, but that is not good for everyone, and if you have been depressed for so long then you should definatly be seeing someone who can help you. Your children and your current husband deserve this, and your beloved who died - he wants you to be happy too, he certainly wouldn't be happy to see you suffer since he loved you!

This is something I keep reminding myself when I'm down...that Ishaq wants me to be happy, to live each day to the fullest. I know he would have if I'd died before him, and I would have wanted him to be happy even if I wasn't with him here in physical form.

I've been reading "Wokini - a Lakota Journey to Happiness and Self-Understanding." This is a great book, very helpful to me.

Mary Jo - I'm so sorry you are sick, it really sucks, especially without our partners here to take care of us! Thankfully, I feel pretty healthy again finally, though a little tired. Got the lawns mowed front and back. Tomorrow I'll start weeding, getting ready for planting tomatoes.

Take care, everyone,

Peace,

Anna

[Kelly]

Hi - I'm a freelance writer for COSMOPOLITAN magazine, and am working on an

upcoming feature about grief. We're trying to find a young woman, between

the ages of 18-32, who lost her boyfriend or fiancee, and would be willing

to open up to our readers about her experience. The focus of the piece is to

provide both service and inspiration to our readers, as we're interested in

having this woman share how she dealt with such a tragedy and what steps she

took to manage her grief.

If you could pass this email on (or post on your site, if possible) to any

women who fit this description, I'd greatly appreciate it. Anyone willing to

participate should contact me as soon as possible. I can be reached at

StephanieBB@Hotmail.com, and will be happy to put any candidates directly in

touch with my editor at COSMO, if there's a need to prove that this is a

legitimate request.

Thanks so much for your help.

Best,

Stephanie Booth

for COSMOPOLITAN magazine

phone/fax: 908-237-2440

[Guest Guest]

FOURLEAFCLOVER: This is the first post I've ever responded to. It caught my attention because you sound so much like me. What I'm thinking is a little different from what others have said to you. While I agree that your children need you and you need to get better, I think everyone responds differently to grief and loss. I actually lost my husband 34 years ago. Today would have been our 37th anniversary, which is why I was looking at the website. I haven't grieved as deeply as you are for the whole 34 years; just the last four. It was triggered by my mother's death 4 years ago. It has hit me much, much harder than it did 34 years ago. Then I was young, only 21, pregnant with our first baby, and I felt I had to keep going "for the baby". I remarried, had other children even, built a whole new life. Then WHAM! It hit like a ton of bricks, as they say, and it caught me completely by surprise. People told me that I needed to "move on" and that my "family needed me", so I tried to "get over it" like I had before - except I couldn't do it like I had before. And a very wise counselor told me that "it will take as long as it takes". That was a huge load of guilt taken off my shoulders. I had permission to grief my way, not everyone else's way. Everyone grieves differently. Don't feel that you have to be pushed into other's mold. It sounds as if you are making an effort to be with your children. You said that you spend time with them and laugh with them, but they feel you are a drag. Well, maybe you are, but that's just where you are right now. It's possible that a round of antidepressants could jump-start you out of your depression (it did me), but no one should have you on a time line. I do agree that if you haven't had a good night's sleep in 7 years, that is a sign you might need some medical help. But what I'm trying to say is don't ignore your own feelings for other's sakes. You want to get all the way through this, not just around it or under it, and you can't do that by any form of denial. Hang in there. Be honest with yourself about how you feel even if there is no one else you can be honest with, too. I'll be looking for your postings to see how you're doing.

Everyday, I log onto this site and just sit and read everybody's posts. I try and find little pieces in each story to help me put together my own. I take advice here and there, but nothing is there to tell my heart to go on. Nothing indicates to me that my heart will feel something other than pain, pain, pain. I know there are all of you out there trying to cope with your loss and pain, but I don't know how you guys get up each day; how you go to work; how you take proper care of your children; and finally, at night...how you close your eyes and fall asleep? I don't know how to do it? I have'nt had one night's good sleep in seven years and my children think I'm a drag. I smile and laugh with them; I spend time with them; we talk about everything; and yet, my mind stays with him. My children (and husband) know how distracted I am, and I cannot explain to them why I feel this way. It's like living this huge lie. Although my husband knows how I fell apart after he died, I'm sure he thinks that I should've moved on by now. How can I make them my number one priority and stay more focused on them and our life together? How can I take my memories and the fact that I miss him so much, and just shove it into a filing cabinet somewhere in the back of my head? I so would love to do that, and "get over it". I am so angry with myself all the time.

[aprilmoonflower]

is anyone else really weirded out my the cosmo thing? (profit from someone else's grief?) ugh! why would you come to a support board to solicit a story? good grief!

[mishknit]

i thought the same thing april..no posts, but now..

the cosmo thing bugs me too..mainly because that is such an idiotic magazine....can you imagine "sexy widows" stuf..lol..oh well

Guest and four leaf clover.....

yes, everyone responds diffenrently, and that's the thing about grief..it bites you in the ass when you're least expecting it. 34 years, 7 years......1 year, 2 months....the only way to get through it is to go though it, i absolutely believe that. we may try to be strong for our kids, our family..whatever, whoever..WE have to grieve, and if we don't, it will eventually catch up with us. I loved that quote about the waves...i feel like a surfer, up, down, up down...recently i read a post on another board about eventually...dropping us off on shore, different but whole. I'm looking forward to that....I believe it will happen. Why? I don't know...not helpful, right? but I can't live my life like this, and tom wouldn't want this for me..so.....i have good days, bad days, and "new normal" days.....thats' it for me now, for all of us.

I am planning a few days away in 2 weeks, while my son is on a class trip to wash. dc...i planned on going to several different, well loved and familiar places.......NO...I'm going somewhere different..i think to the desert, somewhre different for me and a place tom and i didn't go together.

I am grateful for the diverse voices on this bb....and grateful, guest that you posted how this has come up for you so long after..thank you for being so brave and helpful.

take care all...glad you're better anna, and mary jo...

michele

[naz496]

I TOO FEEL THE SAME WAY. i LOST MY HUSBAND LAST XMAS. AND i FEEL LIKE IM AN ACTRESS. i GO ON WITH LIFE AND PRETEND THAT we are doing ok. but its all for show its fake. I dont want the life I have now and my friends dont get that I will never be the same person again. I dont want to be I want to have Mal back. My son is 7 and struggling. I fear for him. I have to give away Mals and my son rabbit. he just cant look after is. and im allergic. Its breaking his heart all over again.

The kids dont even overly play with it but it was daddies rabbit.

s....t

naz

[fourleafclover]

Wow...I am so glad to not hear "it's been so long now, what's the matter with you", or "you really need to get over it", etc. etc. etc. I am so tired of feeling that I was supposed to have moved on already and forgotten him by now. "You cant change what happened...", is all I listen to, but you guys...you make me feel like it's okay and that I don't need to explain myself. For the first time, I feel like I have a right to feel this way and that I am allowed to use the time I sometimes feel I'm stealing from everyone else. I use my nights (when I cant sleep) to remember him and the little things about him. I can't help it...it just appears, you know? I try not to take the time away from my family, but it is so hard sometimes. I can't go to a counsellor or talk to anybody. My wonderful husband (who is supportive of me) just doesn't get why I still feel that way about him...how can I still love him? How can I still mourn him? I rather avoid these questions by hiding how I feel inside. I don't wanna hurt him either, but at the same time...I wanna cry over him now and again but can't. I have no family, and my friends feel like I'm betraying my husband. Can I not love my husband and miss the one I loved for so long? I always feel so guilty about it. Sometimes, I think that it was because I never knew he was sick and sometimes I think it's because we were supposed to be forever. I would love to sleep at night...I would love to wake up in the morning and just have my children in my head...but all I think of is William. William, William, William. I have so many questions about the years before he died...the lies he told me (about him being terminally ill) and I know I will never get the answers. I am such a terrible person, I know but I can't believe that that's all there ever was. Yes, my children are growing up and I know that I am not 100% focused on them...but I am trying. Really, really trying. You know, I have never talked so much about this as I am now. I will get there, I know...I'm just taking a little longer than I would like to. To all of you who responded...THANK YOU for telling me that I am not alone and that it's okay. Thank you for the pieces of advice and for giving me insight into your own worlds. I feel, for the first time...that I am not a total loser.

[fourleafclover]

Sorry...just a quick note to Guest. I get what you're saying. It feels to me as though (7 years later) it is worse than in the beginning. The first year was terrible, but no it seems unbearable. It's been seven years...it feels as though each new day brings a little more sadness and heartbreak than yesterday. I don't understand that?

[misshimstill]

I wrote first as "guest" because I hadn't figured out how to work this posting thing. Sorry. (I still haven't figured out how to add a post without attaching it to another post.) I, for one, would never ever tell anyone that it was taking them too long to grieve. I'm glad you don't feel that anyone is telling you that. I am so very sorry that you are feeling so depressed for so long. I do understand that, too. I think that part of your problem is that you don't really feel the permission to grieve. You mentioned that you are remarried. So am I. I remarried soon after my husband's death in 1972. I know, a long time ago. My grief, as I said in my post yesterday, didn't really begin until four years ago. At first I felt just like you say you do... that I was not being fair to my present husband of over 30 years to grieve someone who had been gone for so long. I felt guilty, as you say you do, for spending so much of my energy grieving for and missing someone who had been gone for so long when (as I was reminded by my late husband's brother, actually, which came as a suprise to me) that I needed to quit giving so much attention to someone who was dead and put my attention back where it belonged... on my family that was living. Sounds like good advice, I guess. Anyway I thought so at the time. But I don't anymore. You say you feel that your present husband doesn't understand your grieving for your late husband so long. I imagine that's pretty normal for him to feel that way. But that doesn't change the fact that you DO feel that way. And how you feel is important. As someone said to me one time, how we feel may not be reality, but it's OUR reality. You say you use the nights to "remember him" because you're trying to keep it inside and not let on that you're having these feelings. I also understand that because that's what I do. I feel that I am an actor on a stage, acting one way in the daytime for my family and being who I really am at night when no one knows. So my sleep suffers, too. Maybe this is all normal. I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet (yes, even after 34 years!). My counselor told me the first time I went to her that my (present) husband is a "big boy" and he can handle what I'm going through, that I need to "take my time getting through it". That relieved a lot of guilt for me. You mention that you feel guilty... like a "terrible person" or a "loser". You are none of those! You are just feeling what you're feeling. And there's not a thing wrong with that. Denial is the only other recourse, and that's how I got where I am - by denying what I felt for 31 years. That will get you a mental break down real fast, believe me! But I am concerned about why you feel you couldn't talk to a counselor. I understand that you don't feel you can talk to anyone - not any of your present friends who know you and your present husband as a couple. That's how I felt, too. But try to find someone who didn't know any of you. That person will be objective and will not judge you like people who might know you better or have known you longer. The people who had the hardest time accepting my resurfaced grief were the people who knew me "back then". That seemed very strange to me, but it was true. I'm sorry if I have gone on too long. This is a big subject and not one that can be dealt with quickly. My biggest encouragement to you would be to seek out a counselor, not necessarily a psychiatrist (although that might be good to get you on some short-term antidepressants, which is what I had to do), but just someone to talk to... someone objective. I really encourage you to do this. There is nothing wrong with you, but you need to begin to believe that. I think that might be one reason this is going on for so long. You are trying to deny what you're really feeling because you don't feel the permission to feel it. Know what I mean? I'll quit now. Hope you get to feeling better. THis is no way to live.

Wow...I am so glad to not hear \"it\'s been so long now, what\'s the matter with you\", or \"you really need to get over it\", etc. etc. etc. I am so tired of feeling that I was supposed to have moved on already and forgotten him by now. \"You cant change what happened...\", is all I listen to, but you guys...you make me feel like it\'s okay and that I don\'t need to explain myself. For the first time, I feel like I have a right to feel this way and that I am allowed to use the time I sometimes feel I\'m stealing from everyone else. I use my nights (when I cant sleep) to remember him and the little things about him. I can\'t help it...it just appears, you know? I try not to take the time away from my family, but it is so hard sometimes. I can\'t go to a counsellor or talk to anybody. My wonderful husband (who is supportive of me) just doesn\'t get why I still feel that way about him...how can I still love him? How can I still mourn him? I rather avoid these questions by hiding how I feel inside. I don\'t wanna hurt him either, but at the same time...I wanna cry over him now and again but can\'t. I have no family, and my friends feel like I\'m betraying my husband. Can I not love my husband and miss the one I loved for so long? I always feel so guilty about it. Sometimes, I think that it was because I never knew he was sick and sometimes I think it\'s because we were supposed to be forever. I would love to sleep at night...I would love to wake up in the morning and just have my children in my head...but all I think of is William. William, William, William. I have so many questions about the years before he died...the lies he told me (about him being terminally ill) and I know I will never get the answers. I am such a terrible person, I know but I can\'t believe that that\'s all there ever was. Yes, my children are growing up and I know that I am not 100% focused on them...but I am trying. Really, really trying. You know, I have never talked so much about this as I am now. I will get there, I know...I\'m just taking a little longer than I would like to. To all of you who responded...THANK YOU for telling me that I am not alone and that it\'s okay. Thank you for the pieces of advice and for giving me insight into your own worlds. I feel, for the first time...that I am not a total loser.

[misshimstill]

Again to Fourleafclover: I just thought of this (and I think I'm beginning to figure out how to use this thing!). You are also concerned because your present husband doesn't understand how you can still love your late husband - how you can grieve for him when you're remarried. Wow! That was a big one for me! I remarried very soon after my husband's death (within the first year) and I felt for YEARS that I couldn't be "in love" with two men! Well, you know what? You absolutely can! You love all your children, don't you? This is really no different. It's not like it's adultry or something like that since one isn't here to receive your love. I wonder if you feel that way. There was a song popular in the 60s (before you were born, probably). It was called "Torn Between Two Lovers". The point of the song was the woman felt very guilty because she was in love with two men and felt torn between them. I used to hate that song because I felt that she should just MAKE UP HER MIND. I felt that was what I had to do. But I believe now that you absolutely can love two men at the same time and not be unfaithful to either one of them... when of them isn't here anymore... I hope your present husband will begin to allow you to do that. I wonder if he had lost a spouse before he married you. It seems that people who marry people who have both lost a spouse don't have as much of a problem with that as people who marry someone who has not lost a spouse. Divorce is different because you usually aren't "in love" with that person anymore. But with death you never quit loving them. You will always love him. I really want to emphasize that. You will always love him. He will always occupy a very special place in your heart. But your heart is big enough for him and your present husband, too. Don't try to squeeze one of them out. That could be another reason this is going on so long for you. Okay. I'll shut up for now.

[misshimstill]

A lot of what I wrote to Fourleafclover would apply to Naz496, too. You lost your husband last Christmas? Only four months ago! Honey, you're knee deep in it! Give yourself some time. And your friends need to give you some time. I guess that's my big thing... more time. Don't rush through it. I have noticed that some of you mention poems and books that have helped you. A prayer book I use wisely says, "Do not hurry as you walk with grief; it does not help the journey. Walk slowly, pausing often: Do not hurry as you walk with grief." Another prayer from that prayer book that I have prayed often is, "This night and every night seems infinite with questions and sleep as elusive as answers. Pain and longing are always preent, dulled only by the distractions of the day. I am weary, I am angry, I am confused. Circle me, Lord. Keep despair and disillusion without, bring a glimmer of hope within. Circle me, Lord. Keep nightmare without, bring moments of rest within. Circle me, Lord. Keep bitterness without, bring an occasional sense of Your presence within." I hope it helps you as it has helped me.