I Miss Him So...

[fourleafclover]

Somebody said you never stop counting the days, weeks, months or years. No, you dont. Seven years, two months and one day. Seems such a long time ago, and yet it feels like yesterday. The hurt doesn't allow time to pass and it feels everyday that my heart can't break any more tomorrow that it does today. Who am I kidding? Moving on...coping...taking each day and night as it comes. Yeah right! I hate myself for feeling this way after such a long time. I hate that my first thought in the morning is about him and my last thought at night is about him. I hate that things happen every day to remind me of our growing up years, our teenage years and finally the last few years before he left me. I hate that there is an aroma in the air, and turn around looking for him. I hate that there is a song on the radio...our last dance. Can't these things just stop!!! I have a husband and children...can't yesterday be forgotten? No, because I am so selfish...I need answers! Why are these answers so important to me? Why can't I just forget and move on? Will the answers make it better or make it worse.

I'm rambling again...let me rather go.

[scottslove]

fourleafclover,

I don't think your being selfish. We feel what we feel . you can't help that. I think the answers come in the next life. Here we must try to find faith. Like you I go over it all everyday too. My scott will be gone 10 months on the May 23rd.

I did notice that you mentioned aromas and songs on the radio. Maybe he is trying to show you that he is still with you. Maybe these are what he is sending to try and help you find peace. I believe love is stronger than death (from a song) That is why the missing continues.

I try just to live this life the way God would want me to, the way Scott would be proud of me to and count on being with Scott again when God says it's time. When things seem particulary bleak to me I remind myself that this is not for ever...when I see my Scott again there will be no more goodbyes.

Just one more thought. If you are finding it impossible to cope,Maybe you should try talking to someone who could atleast help you work through some of the pain. It might be helpful

[aprilmoonflower]

I still feel sad about DH passing (It's been nearly 22 months) but all of the sudden I am kind of at at this point where I just don't care any more. is this letting go or just anger? any thoughts? I feel like I am going through both. it's very weird.

[armaiti]

I guess I counted days and weeks at first, now it's months. It will be ten months next Monday. Tuesday the 29th will also be my birthday, the first without Ishaq - at least here in his body. I'll spend it down in Ashland with my close friend who was with me after he passed. I'll be fifty two.

I just finished a new art piece today...there was a trip Ishaq and I took the Tuesday before his passing, and we hiked up to this waterfall and swam in the cold, cold pool below it. While he was sitting drying off, I stood way back and took a picture...you can just make out his form to the left of the waterfall...he looks like an elven prince or something in it. (you can see the picture at

http://www.cafepress.com/divinelaughter/3017360 - I have it in my online store as prints and things as his friends and students like to get items with his picture as well)

I've felt in a more peaceful state lately...I had a really bad few days about a week ago, but through dreams with Ishaq I found a lot of peace...I found a saying today, from a Seneca prophet named Handsome Lake: “The dimension that separates the living from the dead is exactly as wide as the edge of a maple leaf,”...that feels pretty right on to me. I went out to help with a friend's sweatlodge this weekend, not to sweat but to be of support and lay out the food and all...I sat at the fire and listened to the songs in the lodge and meditated and tried to help hold the sacred space. At one point I gazed at the fire and asked Ishaq, are you here? and right then the wind shifted and a fine sprinkling of ash from the fire fell over me, soft flakes like snow or goose down. Made me smile. That was the only time that I sat there that happened.

I don't think I'll ever stop counting the months, or the years. Again, for me, each day brings me one day closer to being with Ishaq again. In the meantime, I create, I try to live a good life in right relationship with all beings, and I try to learn as much as I can of the sacred. (hope I'm not sounding too holy or anything, I also spend time online playing Text Twist and watch a lot of movies)

Peace,

Anna

[justamom]

April, I think that it is probably both. I still am really angry, now it is for my kids. So unfair that they never get to have their dad again. He has missed so much in just 1 school year, I can't fathom what he will miss for the rest of his life! At just 9 and 6 they have so much ahead of them. That part makes me really sad too - and that is what I feel like I have to let go of. I can't be so sad any more. I am not really built for sad, in general, I am a very happy, joyful and positive human being. It is just not me to be so sad, negative and depressed and I am consciously trying to let go of that. For me it has been somewhat of a conscious decision, to live and be happier. I do think that it is a constant effort, that is really hard to do all of the time. I got into the shed to fertilize my lawn, (I really hate MAN chores by the way!) and there was his bike. Hadn't really thought about him or his bike and I totally lost it. My little guy just learned to ride his bike on mmothers day and it just hit me that we will never get to ride as a whole family. My family is broken. So sad. And then my puppy took off after the neighbors car and I couldn't be sad anymore, funniest thing I have ever seen. Life...

Hope you are getting good veggies. I can't plant anything here yet. In a couple of weeks though! Maybe even next weekend we will be sure enough that it won't freeze again! Take care, Lisa

[mishknit]

lisa...

i, too, am so mad for my son right now. he's graduating from middle school in a few weeks and DREADING it~! it is so sad...he should be excited, but he's not, he's tanked this year in grades, and i know it's because he just doesn't see the point of doing well..why? he's 14, he doesn't see the big picture, and i can't blame him. it's hard for me to see a big picture. There are so mnay things for tom to miss..it really is sad.

anna....i can't tell you how very happy i am that you watch movies and do other things besides your sufi practices! LOLOLOLOL!!!! i had to laugh at your worry of us thinking you too holy....you are lucky, as are others on this board, to have such a strong faith system to help you through this time. Mine is up and down.....but i appreciate the fact that others are strengthened by theirs.

peace,\

michele

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I checked out your site - the pictures are so beautiful and calming. Peace be with you. Nothing wrong with being HOLY - we must do whatever makes us feel right.

I don't know what got into me today. All day long I have been playing computer games. At least it keeps my brain going. I feel good today. I had a wonderful dream of John last night and he was walking towards me with his arms stretched out and he embraced me. He held me so tight that I woke up. I actually felt as tho he was with me. When I woke up I was saying please don't leave me. In my dreams he looks so handsome, healthy, big and strong just like he was before he became ill. I'll always miss my man. No one could ever replace him.

It's 6 weeks today that I have had the hard brace on my left wrist/hand/arm. I must say I am not enjoying it at all. Still hurting bad.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Dorothy - He was with you,that's the way it feels to me when Ishaq is in my dreams in a more present, lucid way,and it stays with you after you wake, the feeling often stays for a long time for me. And that he appears healthy and strong isn't unusual, it's common for our beloveds to appear younger and healthier than when they were living.

Thanks for you words about the pictures...I was looking at pictures of Ishaq the other night and I was noticing that waterfall one...funny, I'll look at pictures I took months ago and suddenly have a clear vision of what to do with them...the interesting thing is that the water in that pool was sooooo cold...one of the doctors made some comment about maybe Ishaq's heart stopping being brought on by being in the cold water of the river, but the Mckenzie was no where near as cold as that pool was, and he was fine in it! And I'm grateful for that...I'm so grateful for all the time we spent in nature before he passed, all the trips and the fun we had those last two weeks...

Sorry your hand/arm is still hurting. It really sucks to be in pain, or to be sick,and not have our loves there to take care of us.

Peace,

Anna

[fourleafclover]

Hi Scottslove and all.

It is impossible for me to talk to anybody about these things. My husband doesn't really know what I am going through and his beliefs regarding those that have passed really get to me. He believes that the departed will look after the departed and the living after the living. To avoid bitter arguments, I rather just don't talk about it. According to him (and may I add that he is otherwise a wonderful, wonderful man) William is a part of yesterday and I shouldn't dwell on it. Anyways, sometimes I just wish I could be a little bit like him in that regard. I do feel selfish, extremely selfish. I have so many questions and I so want to have the answers. I miss him so much and I miss knowing that he may be out there waiting for me. (Like he promised) I have terrible nightmares about him, but I swear...sometimes at night, I hear him call my name. I know it sounds as though I am imagining these things, but I wake up to this. Sometimes I think he isn't letting go. Sometimes I think he knows he made a mistake by not telling me he was sick and rather telling me that he loves someone else. (We were inseparable since the age of five). I want to think that if he had a chance to do it over, he might do it differently. I pray for that. I cannot forgive myself for not knowing better and knowing that even though he said he no longer loved me, he left me to die. In my heart, I should've known that he still loved me and should'nt have left him alone after that. He spent his last three years in agony and alone (with just his parents) and I cannot forgive myself for that. I should've gone after him and been with him. I would happily have exchanged places with him if I could, and spare his life. I loved him so much that I let him go when that's what I thought he wanted. I should've known better.

[justamom]

Fourleafclover, The questions! They drive me completely insane if I think about them too long. Why was there a vcr and a computer printer in his truck? Questions about his business? Where is he now? Does he know now that I was right all along? I could go on all day about every aspect of this. The bottem line for me is - I won't know until it is time for me to go, hopefully when I am 90 something! I do nothink that you are selfish, you are just trying to figure out how to deal with this. I will tell you that I think your husband is trying to help you in his own way. It probably doesn't feel very helpful or supportive but he really doesn't know how to help you. No one does. That is one of the worst parts is that we have to figure out how to make ourselves okay. FOr me it has been therapy and I have seen a psychic twice. Both things gave me strength and comfort. You just have to figure out what will work for you. Hang in there.

Michele, Oh sweetie, 14 scares me, middle school scares me and doing it without Steve makes me sick to my stomach! I wish I had something to say. You are right he just can't see the big picture yet. Hopefully he will come around. Some of that I think is "normal" behavior and he lost his dad on top of hormones. THat is always hard for me right now - I never know what is a typical phase for my kids and what is because they lost their dad?!? This is all so hard. Our kids should not have to deal with this. It sucks. you are doing a good job just by sticking with him. It sounds to me like you are a great mom - the vicoria's secret catalog was brilliant in my opinion! Have a good day.

Lisa

[scottslove]

fourleafclover and everyone, I can relate to so much of what you say. I too knew Scott when we were 4 and 5 we were best friends. Went steady at 15 and 16 our paths crossed through the years. We saw each other in our 20s. But each time he either moved away or I walked away. This time when he found me again it was as if for the first time my eyes were open, I could finally see what he said he had known his whole life, we were meant to be together. It was as if I had found the missing piece of my life. Every plan I had, everything I looked forward to was all wrapped around him. It's hard to put into words and it's a very long involved story but now I look back at all the years we could have had together, all the past that we both struggled through without each other. His life took some very bad turns through the years and as he told me what life had been for him, intent on me knowing even the worse. All I could think of was that beautiful little boy from so long ago. And how I was so blind as to not know the destiny of "us" long ago. This time we were determed no more good byes. And than just like that, he was gone. Except it wasn't really just like that because I could see it coming, or feel it coming I don't know. He had had a stroke a number of years ago. And I know he was trying to take care of himself through diet and things like that but he wasn't under a doctors care like he should have been. He thought he could survive anything. He had almost died a number of times in his life and he thought he was indistructable. He told me after his stroke that he felt like he should apologize to everyone. I told him no one wants that we just want you well, but of course now sometimes I feel angry. Although I try to remind myself he was just a falable human being like the rest of us. He was a cigerette smoker who couldn't seem to quit. And I told him in the hospital that if he ever lit another cigerette I never wanted to hear him say "I love you" again. His response was, I'd rather have you think I'm a weak man than that I don't love you. I told him "but you are not a weak man" And in reality he wasn't he was a very strong man. Very determined very clear headed, very future focused.

Anyway I didn't mean to get into all of this but what I'm trying to say is that I think people all of us handle things the best way we can, we are not always logical and we don't fully see how it hurts others. Your William must have loved you very much to make such a sacrifice, very much! to him he must have thought he was sparing you and I am only quessing of course but although you feel like you should have know it must have given him peace to believe he was taking care of you the only way still in his controll. Like I said he must have loved you very much and you loved him by honoring what he said. That must have been the way he wanted it. So you did take care of him because you honored his wishes. I think when we die we will probibly all have things we can clearly see that we couldnt see here. I have no doubt that he wishes he could change it. Just as you wish you could. I believe we see in the next life how our actions affect others, and feel their pain in a life review. If you ever read any near death experiences there is alot of talk of that. Why wouldn't he wish to change something that hurt you so? How could you have "known better?" Hind sight as they say is 20/20. But as we go through life all we have are our realities of the moment.

I too know people who have no belief in signs from the next life. I too find it easier to not discuss it with them. I too envy people who can just say you have to move on and all of that because that means they either haven't experienced this sorrow or they are simply more able to let things go. I would like to be in either of those positions. I have even argued the point sighting the woman on this site as examples of how most people believe in such things. Now I just let it go. I wonder too if part of this with your husband is because it's painful for him to realize how much you love and miss someone that isn't him.Perhaps he is in his own pain over this.

I believe your william will be waiting for you, it is what I count on absolutly with My Scott. He came back into my life, late in life, as if, (now when I look at it) to say goodbye. I cannot believe that there was not a purpose. that all of our emotions and plans and wants were for nothing, I know I will have him back again, I too get signs. He was a very strong willed man. He wrote a song for me called Never gonna give up, and I know my Scott, and I believe he never will. He told me once I've waited for you for 45 years. I believe he still waits. I don't believe all of this pain happened for nothing. I believe one day I will never have to say goodbye to Scott again ever and you won't have to say goodbye to William either.

Scott's Mother died 28 days after he did. Scott's Dad and I have become very close. We always tell each other we'll all be together "up there" one day and do all the things we didn't get a chance to do here. Well I don't know if that's how it works but I do believe we will all be together.

Here's a funny thought maybe one day all of us woman from this site will run into each other in heaven. Than we'll talk about how we finally have the answers we wanted so desperatly here.. After all life is comparably short when you consider the length of eternity. We just have to do our best here to fulfill what God has in mind for us.

Tomorrow it is 10 months for me and sometimes I can feel him here so strongly that it's hard to believe I can't touch him.

Anyway sorry this got so long. I wish everyone a peacefilled day

[rodless]

scottslove said: "sometimes I can feel him here so strongly that it's hard to believe I can't touch him." Isn't that the truth? I have been having such clear visions lately but peaceful like Rod wants me to know he's with me. Always a gentle comforting feeling - doesn't mean there aren't tears but it's different than it was even a month ago. It will be 11 months soon and I'm winding down to the 1 year mark. This period marks the anniversary of all the days in the hospital and I know I was always there for him. Maybe this is his way of returning that devotion? I know I have more good days than bad now - never throught that would happen. Peace to all of you! Mary Jo

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, I feel the same way. I have become a different person I am more calm and my vesions and dreams have been wonderful. Yes, the tears still come but not like they use to. I no longer have that animal howl of a cry as I did when John died. I'am sure you know what I am talking about. The void in my life will always be there. You were in the hospital with your Rod as I was with John. Where did we get the strength to go to the hosptal daily and sometimes never leave. Putting on that smile actually pretending that he would improve. Deep down inside of me I knew he would never come home again. I can't believe 143 days in the hospital. He suffered but he did not complain. He was my hero - what a great person, husband and father. I to have more good days than bad now.

I have to go out and walk Sherman.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Dorothy, I am so glad you are doing better also. I may stll do an animal howl once in awhile but they aren't as long and loud.

The strength to go to that hospital every day had to be a gift of God. In my case it was a 120 mile round trip 3-4 days a week as I was still working and tried to be back at work at least part of a day. Once I had just sat down at my desk and they called to say he had fallen and been taken to ICU.

I think it was also a gift from God that Rod passed before it all became too much for me to handle and I began to resent his care. The last ten days of his life I was running home (when he was under Hospice care) to empty his bedpan and clean him etc. I had lots of help from friends and family but there are just certain things they can't do and he didn't want them to do. But through it all he kept his sense of humor and never falied to tell me how much he loved and appreciated me. I hope I can be as gracious if I end up in the same circumstances.

This board has been a blessing and one of the best things is seeing how people get through this. I know for all you new ones, it's hard to see any light in the distance, but gradually at your own pace it will start shining. Thank you all for being part of my healing! Mary Jo

[sweetwilliam]

As I read all of the posts, I realize the question I asked my first time on here - "How do you all do it"...is answered in what you all share. Your kindness in your responses to my posts have left me crying in graditude. At 12 weeks, I still find myself wanting to tell my husband "Sweetheart, can you believe what I am going though?" Strange because losing him is why I am going through this at all...I wanted to let you know that my family is remembering my husband on his birthday (Saturday) by starting a garden. My husband loved all things in nature and I know some of you posted about planting trees on your loved ones birthday, so that gave me the idea of a memory garden. My daughter told me she is planting "Sweet Williams" - perfect, since her father was my Sweet William...Susan

[mishknit]

oh susan....

you said something i've felt from the start, but just didn't put it into words...

all i want to do is tell tom what i've been going thru, talk it over with him, get his help and opinion about how i'm doing..you know? I do, in a way, i write and talk out loudto tom, but, you know.....

god i miss him.

your garden will be beautiful, i'm sure. I'm the person who planted the tree for tom's birthday, and as it grows (it's a year old next month), it gives me some comfort. I water and talk to the tree..i want to put a fountain and a hammock or swing there..big dreams.

anyway...thanks for putting that thought into words here for me, and for all of us, as i'm sure many feel exactly the same way.

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

Susan, the garden sounds wonderful! I've done several things with Ishaq's ashes and plantings...a friend has land south of here, he bought a paper maple and he and I and Ishaq's sister and her husband all planted it together, putting some of Ishaq's ashes under the tree. I also planted an olive tree in my front yard in February and a red rosemary in the back yard. I think it is wonderful to honor our beloveds with the beauty of nature!

Tomorrow my dear friend Dea and I are going to a massage place that specializes in foot massage and having special foot massage/hot rock/aromatherapy oil treatments. Dea and I both have the same birthday, and though it's a little spendy I've decided to treat myself for my birthday next week. It should be fun to be there with her. She's had dreams of Ishaq too, and told me about them. She dreamt about him pretty early on, sitting on a stool and telling her something like "you can do pretty much everything you did with a body over here too!" or something like that, if I recall correctly. So she and I are very close and this will be a nice thing to do together.

Tonight was so beautiful outside...I sat outside and watch the sky darken, had a glass of wine and listened to the fountain (which I have to turn off every night or it's a big "hey let's party" invitation to the raccoons). I felt really peaceful, sitting there, enjoying the beautiful night. Now it's time for bed, I think.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[naz496]

I was going to reply to a few posts, but i cant remember what I read and who it belonged to.

Had a bad few days. Fell really apart and cried of and on for hours yesterday.

I went to the shop and found a pair of riddding boots that fitted, so as I can wear them to my sons socer matches which are early in the morning and winter is getting cold. I just lost it. I think because for one smalll second I was excited that I had found a pair of boots, and also because Mal was a country boy and only lived in boots. He would have been sooo proud that I bought them. Now I have entered the country boy syndrmome as well. kept looking out the window last night I think I was just waiting for him to come home driving own the street.I felt so guilty for having a moment of excitement. Its so bloody unfair.

Nothing 4 bailys and milk didnt fix. I dont normally drink but I did last night.

I went over and cried on my neighbour I just didt want to be by myself. oh **** cring again

Took the kids to counciling today and left early as harrison refused and wanted to come home. what a waste of time.

Sat and made him a library bag out of his favorite football team tonight and cooked dinner as well. Have excelled tonight.

I will pray tomorow for no tears. I have such a headache.

naz

[armaiti]

Nas, I'm so sorry you are having a bad time...it's winter where you are, and I know it was harder for a lot of us in the winter, when it was cold and the flowers weren't blooming...

Just a note of caution - I had to stop drinking any alchohol for a while afater Ishaq died, unless I was with friends, because even a glass of wine would make me feel more depressed. If you aren't normally a drinker, it could make you feel worse. At least that's how it was for me. Not that way for everyone I'm sure!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

Anna

[rodless]

Naz, I too am sorry you're having such a hard time. I forgot it's winter where you are. That season was horrible for me. There's nothing to do on the bad days but just slug on through them. As far as the alcohol, I agree with Anna. It feels good at first but usually makes you more down in the end. We're all here with you so keep posting.

Your gardens, trees sound wonderful. I love the outside but clipping the hedge is about as much (actually more)"in the dirt" as I care to do. But I do appreciate all the flowers etc. that other people share. Sweet williams are a favorite of mine. My grandmother has a large patch of them and one of my neighbors has them planted. So, Susan, I will think of you now when I walk by them. Bleeding hearts are another favorite.. also appropriate.

G

[missyouhoney811]

Sweetwilliam - My husband planted a Maple Tree in 1997. It is such a beautiful tree. I have a large collection of wind chimes hanging on the branches (a collection of angels and butterflies) - I plan on planting flowers around the tree this weekend. When my John died my son's company sent flowers but also told him they would deliver a Maple Tree to him when his yard would be ready for planting. My son moved into his newly constructed Condo the end of November. The ground should be good for planting within the next month. I also plan on getting a new swing to put by the tree for me to relax and have my conversations outside with my guy.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[winds60]

Hi All: Thanks, this site is wonderful, it has helped me great deal. I lost my husband William Nov 9, 2006, 6 months & 21 days ago and the site helps me a lot. This is the first time I'm posting a message. My husband had died of a massive heart attack and the sad thing is that he just finished his chemo treatment and was in remission. My world just fell apart, it so hard, but I try to take it one day at a time. I have 5 wonderful sons youngest is 19,24, 27 33 & 36. They are coping the best that they can, I tell to them to share and shed those tears. Just wanted to say, this site has helped me so much. Thanks Winds60

[naz496]

winds60

I too lost my husband at chrustmas last year 5 mths and 13 days ago from massive heart disease. I have 2 small kids 3 and 7. Same issue as you Mal had quit his job, started a died, and even put in for hollidays to adjust his life so as he had a long one with his family.

Its a living hell but no tears as yet today.I to find this site a necessity in my life especially at thise lonesome times, and tearfull times that U think thay know one could understand

hope u all find some peace today.

PS the boots are reaaalllyyy comfy. I love them. Is it bad if I wear them to bed. Its sooo cold over here at night

naz

[missyouhoney811]

Naz, do whatever makes you happy if you want to wear your boots to bed GO FOR IT.................I hope you soon have some peaceful days.

God Bless

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Winds60, so sorry you had to join our site but I am glad you found us. How wonderful to be blessed with five sons. You just have to continue your love and devotion to your family. You all need each other at this time. Crying is healing. My tears still come but not as often. I am finally able to function not as I once did but Lord knows I have improved over the past 9 1/2 months since my John has been gone. I still have that hole in my heart but I always will. He was my soulmate in life. Take care of yourself and post when you can.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I hope everyone has a good weekend. I have two invites - a cookout at my son's or I could go to Ohio for a cookout at my sisters. I am thinking stay home Dorothy. I have no idea what I will do. In normal days, years ago this would be the weekend we would work out in the yard. If only I could do a reversal on time. No turning back the time or years I must find and try to enjoy my new future. God Bless All Of You.

The other day when everyone was talking about drinks you made me thirsty for my scotch on the rocks. Did anyone ever try opening a new bottle with only one hand? It can't be done. Still thirsty for my scotch. Thank God I don't have a drinking problem. I probably would have cracked the top of the bottle off and not caring if I got glass in my drink..........LOL.

How about Victoria Secrets sale on the internet???? For reasons beyond my control I placed a HUGE ORDER. I ordered (already received) 11 Bras, 15 pairs of panties, 9 pairs of summer shoes, some make-up and a terry wrap. When I finally go to Heaven - my son will probably wonder DID I REALLY KNOW MY MOTHER. As a child I probably did not have enough underware so now I go WAY OVERBOARD. My John is probably laughing and saying you must have needed it honey. Oh, I forgot 3 pairs of slippers (regular price $25.00 on sale for $3.99). I did do my shopping this week. It was good to laugh.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

I have no invites this weekend..very weird. We always hosted the memorial day/summer kick-off party...

2 days ago my friend had to get her husband into detox...so several of us are going to get something together on monday just to keep her and her kids busy..i took her to dinner last night, really sad

and i have a wedding on sunday, did the rehearsal tonite. caqme home and my son talked me (easily) into going bowling..we had a great time. 14 years old and seems to be he either hates me or adores me..YIKES!! Tonite is an adore night..i savor them.

meanwhile, dorothy...victoria's secret? I'm wondering if there's not more to your buying that stuff than you're owning up to?LOL! you go girlfriend! One of these days, maybe i'll buy some too!

Naz....I love my fluffy boots...often wear them to bed. I always forget the seasons are reversed, and it's not boot wearing time here, but go for it! My feet are always the coldest part of my body..if they're warm, i am. you must be that way too.

another weekend...i am going to get physical and move stuff arounfd in the garage tomorrow so i can move more stuff in. One day, soon, i have to have a garage sale...but at least at this point i can get the stuff into the garage.

I have this almost overwhelming feeling of wanting to get rid of everey single thing in this house and start over. i can't afford it, but it is making me crazy. i've done some little things.....god...just want things to be different i guess.

rambling tonite..lonely.

peace to you all,\

michele

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all!!! It was nice to hear from some whom have not been on in awhile. Where the hell is Darlene?!?!?!? I am praying for her and hope all is going okay.

I have been reading everyday, but I must say things have been hectic. Hopefully the following is some uplifting news. Do you all remember when I wrote that little note about the job, that I had finally done it. Well, remember how that job fell through? Let me backup a bit. My DH was my support system in so many ways, including my career. Now, I know I put in a TON of work to get where I am, but without him I would not be where I am at all. He helped me accomplish so much. I had just started my first JET job six months before he passed....my DREAM JOB!!! Of course when he passed there was no way I could stay and do that job as a single mother. NO WAY AT ALL. I honestly thought that I would never get the chance again, and went back to instructing full time so I could be home on the weekends and week nights. Well, I started putting out resumes a couple of weeks ago. I received call backs for interviews from each one I applied for. (BIG EGO BOOSTER FOR ME! ) Anyway, the number one on my list called and set up an interview for this past Monday. Well, the hubby of today and I pawned off all the kids and went up there on Saturday. We spent the day together at the hotel on Sunday, as I had two years of my logbook to catch up on..lol..yes, I am a slackass when it comes to the logbook. We went out later on in the evening to buy me a suit at Target and get a quick bite to eat. Then, back to the hotel and the logbook. I finally got to bed around 5 a.m. and had to be up at 8 a.m. to get ready. I was kind of nervous. I had already been hired by a company out of Raleigh flying bigger planes than I fly now, but not big enough to make a difference career wise. I just wanted to see what else was out there. I never expected this one to call. Anywho, the hubby drove me to my interview. They never tell you that day if they want you. You either get a letter of rejection in the mail three days later, or a phone call the next day or two. Well, THEY CALLED ME TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!! So, I landed the job and it is in a BIG plane. If you want to see it, you can go to mtaircargo.com. Press the MAC icon up top. Go to the left side and select Flight Department. Scroll down ’til you see the ATR and click on the words, not the picture. Here you will see what I am about to hop onto. I am so elated!!!! Yet, as you all know, I am still so saddened by it. I hate this wishy washy crap. This isn’t even the break I was looking for to climb the latter…this puts me damn close to the top!!!!! But he isn’t here to see it. This is where my faith feels week…I don’t want to hear how he can still see me, that’s crapola. If he is seeing me, it’s not the way I want. And through this grief part, I have to try and remind myself that my new hubby is here and has been helping me get where I am, and that I should be thankful for all I have now. To top things off, I am going to miss my daughter’s 15th b-day and my 2nd wedding anniversary!!!!! Man I hate the tug-o-war. I am thankful, very much so, just still saddened. I will be leaving for six weeks on June 10th to start my training. One week in North Carolina, four weeks in Texas, another week in North Carolina, then my FAA check ride in Memphis. Then back to my family. I am going to miss them like mad!!!!! I also won’t have much time at all to come on here. So, I will have a crapload of reading to catch up on after six weeks. I just thought I would share…don’t think I have dropped off the face of the earth when you don’t hear from me for awhile. I will truly miss you all!!! I hope everyone has a decent weekend…we are just kickin’ it at home. Bless you all!!!

(((((HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS)))))

Angel

[missinmyhubby]

**This is where my faith feels weak, not week." DRRRRRR

BTW, I didn't say I was going to be in Houston. I also didn't say we are moving to Memphis after my training is done. I am believing this is why we didn't buy a house after all back in December. Everything happens for a reason, right? Love and hugs....

[lauraa]

Angel......WOW! I feel your elaion and excitement......so, so happy for you!

I have reading often but to tired to respond...overwwhelmed with stuff. Your all in my heart and prayers....always!

[missyouhoney811]

Angel, I am also so happy for you. Your must be proud of yourself. Post when you have a chance.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Darlene, I am also thinking of you. Hoping you are well. Miss hearing from you..

Hugs and Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Angel- wow! congrats! I know you are sad too but this is awesome news!

[armaiti]

Angel - Congratulations! That is great news!

I'll be flying down to Ashland on Monday, and I'll think of you when I see those big airplanes out on the tarmac!

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

hooray angel!

such wonderful news..thanks for sharing, and good luck during the training period!

peace,

michele

[naz496]

angel,

congratulations. I too believe that there are better things in store for us if wee let the.

Lats night I was visiting with some friends.

Last year Mal and I decided when the estate finilases that we wanted to buy the local hairdress/beauty shop. That of coulrse is no longer viable after Mals death, andway my friend and her husband asked me last night if I wanted to go halfs with them in this business. I m not a hair dresses bu7t I think I have an eye for business. what a co incidence. a little unsure bit I would like to do it. Just to;d them that I need to finialise the Mal estate and my grandfathers, and I didnt want to do anything until after xmas which is Mals 1yr want do u say anniveeesary of his death. Christmas wont be a nice time. kids and Mal and mums birthday as well as his death.

They were happy with this.

Might seriouly think about it.

Today I had a tradesman come to the house to get a quite on fixing my verandah.

Doing ok today until he asked if my husndad could pull down the old one. anyway cried on him. He offered to pray for me and the kids, and then insisted that him and a few friend coem and take the old verandag down at no cost because he felt that God wanted him to come today and he was sent to help me. cried again. I think I am slowly realising that maybe God is sending me these people to help my transition into widowhood, and that I should just accept the help. God knows I need it.

Well for the first time in 5 weeks and 15 days I have a few nice things happen this week. cried a hell of a lot to maybe that why.

Have decided to call the b....t of a women that is contesting my grandfathers estate, and offer to settle with her I dont want to fight this anymore. I have been up at 2 am every night this weeks for 3-4 hrs, and cant sleep. Its now 5 am and I have down all the house work for the day. decided instead of lying there every night I may as well be constructive.even clean my husbands wardrobe.why do we do this at 3.30am in the morning. ohh well its done.Anyway I need you to all hassle me until I call her because I want to do this but and A bit scared, of her yelling at me she is a real nasty piece of work.

Hope all is well. wish me luck

Naz

[armaiti]

Naz, definately accept the kindness of people when they offer! I have been blessed with many close friends who offered things to me after Ishaq passed...I have several friends who are massage therapists who told me to come and get a massage as a gift, two friends who own a restaurant and gifted Jamila and I a wonderful meal the day we did ceremony with Ishaq to prepare him for cremation. At first I felt kind of guilty...like I was getting rewards for him being gone, but I realized it was a way for people to feel that they could do something to help. So I accepted the massages, the dinners, the offerings of money to help with expenses. A good friend offered me a no-strings-attached loan to start my business and buy stock.

Today I have had pretty bad allergies and still manged to mow the lawn. Ishaq always took care of it when I had my worst allegies, but now it's up to me. I got it done and showered right away but I'm still all itchy!

One more day at home then I fly down to Southern Oregon to be with my friend for my birthday. I'll be 52 on Tuesday. I'm not dreading it like I thought I might. It's just another day really...Ishaq and I would usually go out on my birthday and then he'd give me a massage. He gave great massages...

I've started designing shirts with affirmations on them, positive statements like "breathe in peace, breathe out peace" and "may I walk in right relationship with all beings" paired with artwork. I ate more of my fresh snow peas tonight from the garden, and my artichoke is huge, with one big one ready to eat and about ten more little ones coming on...the garden, though it is out of control in a lot of places, still nourishes me in many ways...

Hope the rest of you have a good rest of the weekend.

Peace,

Anna

[precioustams]

Oh…the past couple weeks have been so hard lately, I think it may be because the shock and denial are slowly wearing off and the fact that my fiancé joseph is really gone. The first couple weeks now feel as if they were a dream, I remember the funeral and the events that happened when and after I found him, but it’s as if I watched it from another place, almost floating and gliding around. I think things are really starting to hit because for the first time on Wednesday I will actually be back in our home. Since everything has happened I feel like I have been running away, I stayed with josephs mom for a lil over a month (she’s such a wonderful lady) and now I am staying with my mom, more so to make her feel better not so much myself since I’ve never really liked it here. Now on Wednesday I am going to be going back to an empty house, where we always raced to in order to be together, never went out too much, just wanted to stay home and spend time with each other. The spare bedroom is waiting filled with all the wedding stuff, stuff that I don’t have a clue what I am going to do with, just taunting me. Friends of mine actually went and cleaned the house for me because the paramedics left it in such disarray, but the stain is still on the carpet from when I gave him CPR. The only thing I have now is our puppy Turbo, he’s a year now b-day just passed and it was hard to do it without joseph since we had planned to have a party for him at the dog park, I know we didn’t have children together tho we had planned to have two as soon as we got married, we did treat Turbo like our baby tho and boy did he love his daddy, he would go so crazy when he got home from work, often times I would be jealous because he didn’t get like then when I came home from class. I know I am suppose to move on, but I can’t, I think of him every minute and cry for him everyday, I feel as if my entire future no longer matters because it has been taken away, I’ve always dreamt of being a nurse and I am almost there, only three more semesters, but even that is no longer a dream of mine. I just feel so lost and confused, how do I start over, is it even possible?? And what if I don’t want to? Joseph was only 22, who would have thought congestive heart failure and why did none of his doctors see it….sorry just venting…the nights have been lonely and long..

~Tamara

[naz496]

precioustams

I too know what u are saying unfortunatly.

I lost Mal to heart failure 5 mths and 17 days ago, and I feel the smae as u do. The only reason I get up in the mornings is for my kids.I too dont know how the dr's didnt pick it up. Mal was constantly getting his heart checked and It was checked 2 days before he died.Heart failure takes time as well so it had been a prob for a while and after 30+visits to the Dr in the 5 mths prior still knowone picked it up.

You dont need to start over u just need to get up in the morning and maybe even shower. take one minute at a time . The pain gets worse with time I have found but its a different sort of pain now. I live in denial which is slowly coming to reality. I knoe Mal is dead but I dont feel like he is. I feel like he is just at work, be it for the last 5 mtths.I dont want to start over I just continue each day. as I can. atking one minute at a time.A few good things have finally started to happen this month. I think that maybe Mal is looking aftre me and sending me people to help me as my family dont.I have to believe that. Life does go on but not as we knew it. We have to learn to live all over again, and I dont want to sometime but that is the card that we have been dealt.

Hope u find some peace today.

Ps diddnt get up the corage to call the b....ch about the estate today. Maybe tomorow.

Naz

[missyouhoney811]

Tamara and Naz - In reference to Doctors...............I believe they all have blinders on they can't see the problem directly under their nose they tend to look for a deeper problem that doesn't exist. When my John had hip surgery in 1997 my son and I kept telling the doctors that John's general movement in lower body was not normal (he was not reacting to being tickled on the bottom of his feet) but the high and mighty doctors blew us off. Within 24 hours he was on the vent and was a complete paraplegic. That was 7/8/97. Over the years we had many trips to the hospital but I would not let him be alone. If I couldnt be with him I would have someone else if only for them to sit with him. I DO NOT TRUST HOSPITALS NOR MOST OF THE MEDICAL STAFFS. Its a shame the way I feel but I saw too many things over the years and watching the way patients are not taken care of properly. I saved John many times while he was in the hospital. To think it use to be a safe place. It is a very dangerous place to be today. So girls stay healthy. Hope you find some peace within your day.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I hope your trip is safe and enjoyable. As for your birthday it is not just another day it is your special day and should be treated as such. I am sure your Ishaq would want you to enjoy it. I know I don't have to tell you he is watching you and he cares about your feelings on your special day. So you better enjoy it---have something great to eat, a tasty desert with a candle on it, a glass of wine and a toast to life.

A little early but ------ HAPPY 52nd BIRTHDAY ------

Peace and Hugs,

Dorothy

[ripzuck]

Naz,

I'm new to this board, only posted twice, but I wanted to offer some advice regarding that difficult phone call to your MIL's niece ( I think that's the relationship.) If you can rehearse what you want to say and how you want to say it beforehand. I think that will give you the confidence and poise you need.

Good luck to you.

One step at a time

Rita Z

[anaciris]

Angel, congratulations! It sounds exciting and fun! I don't think I could spend that much time on a plane, but I am going to go skydiving in a few weeks and jump out of one. It was one of the things J and I were planning to do together this summer and I am sad that I will be doing it without him, but I am determined to go through with it.

I haven't written in a while as it has been one hard week after another. I have started taking some anti-depressents to keep away some of my darker thoughts, but so far they just seem to keep me up at night (which I find to be the worst time of the day after waking up in the morning). I hope the side effect is temporary I'm a little scared of trying all of these pills and as you all have mentioned I don't much trust doctors after J's death. So many of them saw something wrong on his X-ray but dismissed it as some sort of non-threatening malformation and 5 days later he was dead from fluid on the brain and probably never had this malformation. We are still waiting for the finaly autopsy results as we don't yet know what caused the fluid, so we don't know why he died. We know how, but it's not very satisfying, though I don't think knowing the answer will be either. I was with him the entire time with all the doctors because I did not trust doctors to begin with after seeing my grandma suffer because she was misdiagnosed and I feel like I failed him because I still trusted them a little. I beat myself up every day for not questioning them more, for not pushing harder, for pushing to admit him instead of sending him home with us and insisting he go home after 20 hours in the ER. I am told I should not feel that guilt, but it's hard not to and I go over and over it all.

Precioustams, I know how hard it is and I can't imagine coming back to the house you lived in. J and I were trying to do things the right way and didn't want to move in until before the wedding whenever that was to be. I still can't sleep in my own bed and have a permanent spot on the couch. I wish you all the best and feel free to e-mail if you want to talk. I really hope you do become a nurse. When J first stopped breathing the young ER doctor thought he was just loopy (if you can believe that insanity!). It was a nurse that saw he had stopped breathing and started intubating him and helped bring him back one last time. Without her he may have died 6 or 7 hours earlier and I would have never gotten to kiss him one last time and tell him I love him. I just wish the doctors had been as careful about their jobs as that nurse was. We thanked her so much for being so helpful and she thought nothing of it.

This weekend is hard as this was the weekend we were going to get engaged (the proposal part and all) though we both knew we were heading there. His family gave me his grandma's ring the diamond from which he was going to use and I've been wearing it ever since. Doesn't quite have the same feeling though. I miss him very much and I feel very lonely. It is so hard to be by myself again. I finally had someone to talk to, to make sure I got home safe and who I knew I could turn to in a second. Now I'm back to being by myself in this city and although friends are great, it's just not the same. Sometimes I wonder why this happened. I'm 29 and have focused on my education and getting a good job and didn't date much for 10 years after high school. I am a lawyer now and finally felt it was time to start meeting people and build my family and just like that it was taken away. Not quite sure what to do with myself now. I guess taking it one day at a time is the best thing I just don't know where I'm taking it to. All my plans for this weekend so far have fallen through so I've spent a large time on the couch crying. I don't know how to stop the tears from coming.

Wow, this was a long post. I hope all of you have had a better weekend.

[armaiti]

Dorothy - Thanks for the "pep talk" about my birthday...you are right, I should treat it as a special day. I've been so focused on Ishaq's days - his monthly anniversaries, our anniversary, his birthday - that I guess I've downplayed my own days! Part of the Red Road teachings I follow are to get up each morning and offer sage and prayers thanking Creator for each day, for the gift of my life each day. So I should be honoring the day I took physical form on this earth!

We do plan to go out to some fancy restaurant in Ashland that my friend has been

telling me about...I may pass on the wine, it doesn't mix well with the Flonase I take for allergies and gives me headaches, so I'll just have to do the big dinnerand dessert.

Tamara - don't you worry about "moving on" right now! This is so early for you, and as I've posted here and many others have too, it takes AT LEAST one full walk around the sun, one full year to go through the major part of the greiving process. Don't let other people pressure you because you are young and they think you should be moving on. Baby steps, one of my teachers says, is the only way to go through this Keep reading and posting here, we understand!

About the doctors - I don't trust doctors at all myself. Before I knew Ishaq, he had a bad foot ulcer from his diabetes and he was hospitalized and they were going to cut off his foot, saying that it would never heal. His aunt (who is a surgeon, and I DO trust) and his then-girlfriend wouldn't let them cut off his foot, and it did heal. He did lots of alternative treatments that saved his foot. Then when he and I were together he was in a car accident and was in horrible pain and couldn't even keep any food down (not good for a type 1 diabetic) and the doctor told him he'd be ok in 2 weeks! I made him switch doctors, we went to a more progressive one who ok'd chiropractic and accupunture and massage - the chiropractor, a good friend, did an adjustment that allowed Ishaq to be able to keep his food down. Said that from the accident his ribs were out so bad they were pushing into his stomach and blocking digestion. So I'm not very trusting of doctors, I see my alternative practitioners, and my eye doctor who also does a lot of alternative treatments, but I pretty much steer clear of the regular doctors. I've also heard too many horror stories from nurse friends! You are right, nurses are the ones to trust, they actually care about the patients more than the doctors sometimes, I think, though I'm sure there are good doctors out there too.

Peace to all,

Anna

[precioustams]

Thanks to everyone, I find a lot of strength in the posts that u all make. I will be taking baby steps like everyone suggested because u are all right, sometimes getting out of bed and taking a shower are a chore in itself. I’m so sorry that all of us have something so retched in common, but I appreciate the support. As for the doctors, I know what u all mean, joseph had been seeing 3 doctors at the time, surgery the next week after he died, had an x ray of his chest in the ER in January and they found and did nothing, just rushed us outta the hospital with an antibiotic and a bogus diagnosis of Cellulites, even joseph knew he didn’t have cellulites. I can’t believe sooo many doctors have let us down…maybe that will be the driving force for the rest of my nursing career…I hope everyone has a pleasant rest of the weekend…..

Happy early birthday Anna!

~Tamara

[naz496]

well I called my grandfathers neice and she wasnt home. didnt get the courage to call again so I called the estate solicitor and asked them to have her call me or email me if she is interested in settling the estate. Just dont want to fight this one any more.

Spoke to the other solicitor today about Mals workers comp, and his doctor who said he would do what he could to help is now refusing to write a certificate to say that this bloody job killed him. The hrs and stress killed him from it. The dr told me and Mal it would kill him and said that His bosses actions was and indirect result of his death but wont put his name on it. So I may not have a case. Bloody Dr's. He didnt pick up Mals heart disease so he is partially responsible as well. again Bloody Dr's.

Naz

[missyouhoney811]

Naz, When John drove truck he had to keep a log book with the actual time on the road and time at home. Do you have to do that there? I know here the laws do stand behind the truck drivers. I can't remember exactly how many hours by law that companies are aloud to let their drivers drive. Maybe if you check into this it would help your case.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[naz496]

we have those laws here too but there are ways around them I have all his log book with all the hrs in it, and his diary that has all the shifts in it. upto 27 hr shifts. his boss will regret one day what he has done even if its just soas he cant do this to another family. they can only legally drive 12 hrs here, but thats a joke.

naz

[fourleafclover]

Hello all.

Naz, I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with things that should'nt make your life any harder than it is at the moment. I just hope that you will be able to put all the legal wrangling behind you, and focus on taking each day at a time.

Our days and nights are so much colder now and they normally are the worst for me. I am self-employed and work from home, so I battle to get any real work done when it's so cold here. I find myself thinking about William so much more and I sit and go through the things that happened between us before he died. I am so irritable with my husband lately and take all my anger and frustration out on him. I'm just so miserable right now and hope that it's just a phase I'm going through (again). It feels to me like everything that can go wrong, is going wrong. I am busy with extensions to my house and half way through the builders packed up and left (after being paid). I had a fire at my house and lost two rooms and my husbands superbike. It's just one thing after another... All this I can handle and cope with, but missing William is something I could never get used to. Anyway, chin up (as everybody always says) and God bless you all.

[naz496]

fourleaf

The crap never stops does it. Its cold here in sydney too where are u located.

Acutally felt human today and decided that it was a good day. until my girlfriend had a go at me . she feels that they have supported me and I ust have to ask if I want anything. I explained I have asked several times for them to visit with my sone (his godfather) but they are always too busy. I explained that I cant ask any more and she said just insist. I did tell her I wont ask anymoreand I am not reminding them timme after time if they dont want to see us then so be it. I am jus not capable of chasing trhem up and I dont want to. sobbed al;l after nonn. I hate the fact that she ruined a possible good day. Must go have a terrible headache and kids are nagging and cant see from the swelling from my eyes.

Hope u have a better day than I did.

Naz