I Miss Him So...

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, my prayers are with you to be strong. I myself have been reliving everything that happened last year. A movie playing in my head that has no off button. Somehow - Someway we will all get through this. Our job right now is to find what direction to take for our new life. Whether it will be alone or with someone else. In time we will all make the decision on which road to take.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[scottslove]

Anacirus, There are many things we live for besides our partner. There are people who love you I'm sure perhaps some who depend on you. When I have been in the depth of dispare such as you discribe. I stay here for 2 reasons, the first is I know God has a plan even though we may feel lost and alone now he has a purpose.and we must believe that ultimatly he will hold us up through our pain. And the 2nd is that after knowing what it is like to loose someone I could never be responsible for causing someone else that pain. Only worse because those we love didn't choose to go. At 6 weeks this has just happened to you, give your self time to work through it. I for one would be devistated if something happened to you and I have never even seen your face. If anything I said here gave you the impression that you will never see happiness again that was not what I meant. Like Oneta I was just venting my feelings. I get up everyday and raise children, I am thinking of going back to school in other words I am looking for places to put my energy and efforts. I have found that even though like you I was unhappy before Scott came back into my life this time, that inspite of the pain I feel purpose as if I am here for a reason. And you may very well, when you have worked through your pain, and you will work through your pain. Find someone or something that brings happiness again. Much like justamom said. When I said I was waiting to be with Scott again I didn't mean sitting here waiting I meant living my life with purpose untill God says it's time. When I said I didn't feel empty anymore because I had found what I was missing I didn't mean there is nothing else in life, I just meant for me I don't need another partner, that doesn't mean you don't or won't find someone to love again. I too have read that in suicide we do not get to be with our love and though no one can really know how such things are desided I'm not taking any chances.

As far as your friends that no longer listen, we have all experienced that. I think if you discribed this to them, the way you are feeling now, they would be willing to help. Please talk to someone who can guide you past these feelings, we do not always know when the sun will shine again, but we know it always does. God Bless

[cnpjrs4e]

Oneta, how did you get into denial? I just want to know because I might be doing that myself. I miss Jay more than anything but I try not to let that interfere with my life. I try to push out all my sadness and concentrate on positive things that may await me in my future. I never will forget Jay but I also do not want to put my life on hold because of my greif. I cry, mainly at night when I am alone, but during the day I hold back my tears. I know this may sound selfish to some, but I have been selfless for 5 years. I am so worried about this sneaking up on me later in life so I want to fix things now. I want to greive as easily and as fast as possible, but not too fast or too easy (if that makes sense). I know that everyone wants this and it does not happen that way but I can wish. I guess through all this I am learning I am a little stronger then I ever thought I was, or maybe I am weak and I'm using some sort of coping mechanism. Who knows? I just want your thoughts on this. Thanks

Courtney

[justamom]

Courtney, i just wanted to respond and say that Denial is one of the 5 stages of grief. We all go through it. In order to "Grieve Properly" (Just for the record I don't think there is any specific way to do it)We have to work through all 5 stages. And you are right if you don't deal with it now it will "sneak back up on you" later in life. I think that is what Oneta has been dealing with as she has said. My therapist has been instrumental in helping me walk, crawl, drag myself through them. I must be doing okay because I "graduated" from therapy today! I have been going every week for 15 months. Grief is alot of work! You have to go with your process and work through it at your speed and in your order. You have to function in life I think most of us figured out how to put on the "face" and get through your day without falling apart and cried in private. Perfectly Normal in my opinion. Hang in there you can do this.

Just for the record, I wasn't offended or upset by anything that anyone said here - I was just offering my perspective and point of view. I truely believe that this is all an individual process and none of us will do it the same. There are some universal stages that we all go through -and some of us get stuck in them. I just was trying to offer some hope for some that are having such a hard time right now.

Take care all, Lisa

[rodless]

Grief is a universal emotion but such a personal experience. We all go through it in our own manner based on our life experiences and our personalities. I should not have said "we" need to move on... what I really meant was I (capital, bold, italic!!) need to move on. And that need comes from the grief process I went through after a divorce a long time ago. I bogged down big time and learned a lot of painful lessons. Life goes on around me and I feel it is a consious decision to go with it or let it pass me by. I know from experience that the future which seems so useless and dismal can hold wonderful things if I make the decision to look forward. I am not looking for another relationship but would accept one if it happens... I just want to live to the best of my ability. Mary Jo

[justamom]

MaryJo, Beautifully said!

Lisa

[armaiti]

I agree that this is an individual process for each of us. I, personally, do not ascribe to the five stages of grieving (as set out by Elisabeth Kubler Ross in 1969 -no, I'm not scholarly, I just looked it up on google, because I actually didn't know what they were). But then, I'm more into ritual and ceremony, and I've never seen a therapist since Ishaq died. It's just not right for me, though I know it is a life saver to many of you, and I'm not passing any kind of judgement, just saying what is true for me.

Our circumstances are all very different. Some people, who don't have the spiritual practices or beliefs I do, might say I'm in denial because I say that Ishaq and I are still in partnership, that I feel he is with me and will be with me until I cross over to walk the spirit trail. I tend to steer clear of people who don't believe as I do. Luckily, I live in Eugene, Oregon, one of the most spiritually/religiously diverse places in the whole world, I think! So I'm lucky in that most of the different groups I'm active in - Interfaith, Sufi, Native American, Oregon Country Fair family - are on the same page as I am. Even the belly dance community that I hang out with is pretty diverse and spiritually open in their beliefs.

I think whatever paths and beliefs and systems we each need to believe in and follow are appropriate for each of us. We will make our own way of being through this. I so appreciate the openness and acceptance of everyone on this board, it's too bad more of the world isn't this way!

I picked the first strawberry today (well, the first one I could actually beat the bluejays to! They've been picking them for the last week!) and it's sitting on the ancestor altar by Ishaq's picture. He just loved those first fresh fruits from the garden.

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

PS, Mary JO - "I just want to live to the best of my ability" is a beautiful way of putting it! May it be so for all of us!

Anna

[misshimstill]

Dear Courtney,

I think it is actually a good thing that you are concerned that you may be repressing because that probably means that you aren’t, but it’s good to ask the question. Most people who are repressing don’t know it. They just feel like they’re not giving into the temptation to wallow in self pity - or not be ruled by their feelings - or are trying to move on with their life, etc. I’m certainly not an expert in repressed feelings, but I’ve learned a few things from my mistakes that I hate to see other people making. One thing I have learned is to not deny how you feel, but instead be willing to investigate your feelings and pay attention to how you feel. Some people try to not give into their sadness because they feel they have to keep going for their children’s/family’s sake. Some are afraid to give into the sadness because they are afraid they will be consumed by it (that was mostly my reason). Some feel that God wouldn’t want them to wallow in self pity. Some are trained in denial by the families they grew up in or by society in general.

Denial IS one of the stages of grief, but is not the type of denial I’m talking about. When most people talk about the stages of grief and they site denial as one of those stages, they may not know it, but the stage of denial (stage 1 in the list of 5 stages) is in regard to death and dying done by the DYING PERSON, not the grieving family left behind. (See Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.) Those diagnosed with a terminal illness usually experience denial as the first stage of the processing of their illness; i.e. “I’m not going to die”, “I’m not terminal”, etc. I am NOT talking about that form of denial.

I AM talking about the form of denial most people in our society are in that has to do with their ability to process their feelings in regard to disappointments, grief, abuse, etc. I’ll use this example of my own life. When my younger brother died at 13 (I was 14), the day after his funeral my dad advised me to go back to school and take my mind off the fact that my brother had just died, just as he was going to go back to work to try to forget it. That sounded like good advise to me at the time, so that’s exactly what I did. Seven years later when Lamar died, I was pregnant and was afraid of losing the baby if I “gave in” to the feelings of sadness and grief that I was quite naturally feeling at having just lost my husband, the father of my baby. When I began to sink down, as I would do often, I would “snap out of it” by surrounding myself with people or getting busy or just thinking to myself and reminding myself that I couldn’t give into that kind of thing. Another thing was that I felt I had to make a decision about how I was going to make a living for me and my future baby, so I enrolled for the January semester of college, with my husband just having died not even two weeks prior BECAUSE I felt I had to “move on” with my life, make decisions, make plans, figure things out… I wasn’t even able to stay in school for a whole month before I started to have problems with the pregnancy and was told by my doctor that I had to choose between the baby or school. I wanted to baby SO MUCH. This would be my last chance of having Lamar’s baby and my last living link to him. It wasn’t that I might not remarry or have the chance to have other children because I was young, only 21, and I knew my whole life stretched out before me and I would likely have other chances for a husband/babies, etc. Then a whirlwind romance and remarriage within, as I’ve said before, 4 short months and within a few years more children, and pretty soon I hardly ever thought of Lamar. Then 30-some-odd years later, my mother had cancer and died. And guess what? All the feelings of grief that I hadn’t dealt with came to the surface so fast I didn’t even know what was happening to me. I didn’t know I had repressed anything. If someone had TOLD me I had repressed my feelings, I probably wouldn’t have believed them. But that’s exactly what I did. Pretty soon I was swimming in this sea of grief that seemed to come out of nowhere, thinking of Lamar night and day to the point that I couldn’t sleep night or day – for weeks! My sweet husband begged me to go for counseling, but I refused because I said no one WE knew would understand me having grief for someone they had never known and really, didn’t even know ABOUT, and had happened so long ago. But I was wrong. I found a lady whose first response after hearing what was happening was, “It’s a complicated grief.” We didn’t understand she was talking of a technical term/name, and we both thought, “Sure is complicated!” Then she “educated” us about complicated grief as a result of repressed grief having resurfaced years later. It’s something that they’re just NOW beginning to understand. I’ve emailed the people here at Indigo and have been told there is very little that has been published on it because they know so little about it. So when someone tells you that you’re in one of those five stages, it’s not the same thing because it isn’t really even known about very much, much less be common knowledge among nonprofessionals like us.

There are some things you have said in your posts that kind of raise red flags to me. One was “I feel so alone, like nobody in the world feels the way I do… Everyone assumes I am fine because I am exsisting and walking through my day, but I am dying inside. I miss Jay more than anything but I try not to let that interfere with my life. I try to push out all my sadness and concentrate on positive things that may await me in my future. I never will forget Jay but I also do not want to put my life on hold because of my grief.” I think it’s good that you are AWARE OF the sadness you are feeling and how dead you feel inside AND the fact that you feel you have to HIDE IT from others around you. In my opinion, and this is just my opinion – others have other opinions – you would be wise to pay attention to the sadness and emptiness within you, and you will be much more likely to honestly deal with it than those who try to shove it down and “move on”. (You will get the idea pretty soon how much I hate the admonition we all hear that we must “move on”.) You know what?? There is PLENTY of time to “move on”… the REST of your life, actually. What’s wrong with taking a couple of years or even four or five years to really deal with this IN ORDER to avoid having emotional problems later in life. There are a lot of people on antidepressants and sleeping medications and anti-anxiety medications who have never learned to deal with their emotions resulting from abuse, grief or whatever.

Another thing you said was,”I am so worried about this sneaking up on me later in life so I want to fix things now. I want to greive as easily and as fast as possible…” That’s what I’m talking about. What’s the hurry to grieve as fast as possible. I really do understand wanting to not be miserable anymore and wanting it to be as easy as possible, but to the detriment of you emotional and maybe physical health? Not me, Baby! I’m learning from the past. I’m taking care of things as they come up and not wait for them to come up and bring the life I THOUGHT I had to a screeching halt.

Finally, you said, “I guess through all this I am learning I am a little stronger then I ever thought I was, or maybe I am weak and I'm using some sort of coping mechanism. Who knows?” You probably are stronger than you thought you were. We’re all a pretty strong bunch of women, in my book. But you may be weaker than you know you are, too. By that I mean that none of us is built to love someone as much as we have loved these men and then lose them the way we have, prematurely, before their time. I used to be called the “Rock of Gibralter”. Know what? I’m not the Rock of Gibralter. No one is. As a Christian, I believe there is only one Rock, and it ain’t me!” So in the future, I’m owning up to my weakness and holding onto His strength. That’s my way. Others of you may have your own ways, but that’s mine.

So that, in a nutshell (and it really is a nutshell because I could go on about this for pages and pages about the lessons I’ve learned the hard way). I hope it benefits you and answers your question. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me. I have no reason to feel I have to “put on a face” for anyone anymore. I’m done with that. And I figure if I’m going to find any happiness the next 30 years of my life if it is 30 more years that I have left on this earth, then I have to deal with my “stuff” and part of my stuff is my grief. I loved that man so much I cannot even describe. I miss him more than words can tell. I’m tired of living my life without him, but I must. I’m also tired of grieving. I want to be through with it, just as all of you do, but I’m not short-stepping it any more. That has only intensified my pain in the long run, so I’m not doin’ it any more.

By the way, a really good book that deals with repressed feelings and learning to recognize them and deal with them is “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scarazo (I’m not sure about the spelling of his last name, but that’s close.) Blessings, Oneta

[Guest Guest]

I am not ever sure where to start, i found this website three weeks ago and it has taken this long to get this far. I lost my fiance on April 13th 2007, friday the 13th, the night before we had a good night, i did some school stuff and he was being goofy all night, joked with one of my friends on phone and kept yelling my name from the living room to see if i was done yet and when i said i wasn't he just said "okay, i love u", he prob told me he loved me five times that night. When i was done we were suppose to go to bed together and play our nintendo DS's but he was busy playin is PS3 golfing game, he was addicted and loved to play it since i bought it for him before christmas, we were great together both loved video games, he told me he wanted to keep playing that he would meet me in bed, i said okay kissed him goodnight and told him i needed some sleep because i had clinicals early the next morning since i am nursing school. That's the last time i saw him alive, i went to bed with our puppy Turbo and at exactly 5:30am i woke up wide awake, joseph had sleep apnea so i always heard him when he slept, but this time i heard nothing, i figured he was just in the bathroom or something got up and he wasn't there, i raced the the living room and found him not breathing on the couch, he had no pulse so i called 911, the lady had me pull him to the floor and start CPR, i did CPR on him for what seemed like forever when the paramedics arrived, they continued to work on him and it had never crossed my mind that they could not save him, i mean that's what they do, i watched as they worked and worked and eventually they said they were gonna call it, i yelled at them saying that they couldn't stop he was all i had, so they kept going but eventually they could do no more. Now he's gone and i miss him terribly, we were going to get married on March 15th 2008, the wedding was already planned, details done, everything bought, i was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Now everything is gone, i blame myself for leaving him and i blame the doctors for not treating him properly. I stayed with his mom for a month and just recently came to stay with my mom for a couple weeks, i've never liked it here and actually feel worse that i am here because last time i was here i cried every day to joseph that i wanted to come home, but this time i have nothing to go home to, he's no longer there waiting for me. After i leave here i am going back to the apt, but it's just so hard to take that step knowing he wont be there, some days i really don't know how i will go on, my friends have been great, they are there every day, but none of them know how i feel, i feel lost, alone and scared to do it all by myself, he was my rock, we always talked about the future and we decided i would go first cuz i was far to weak and now he's gone, he was only 22, it is assumed that he died from CHF or that's what we know till the autopsy report comes in. I feel like i am being punished for being happy, i don't like to even leave the house, it hurst to see people happy and though everyone keeps sayin it gets better, i feel that it keeps getting harder. I loved joseph with all my heart, he was my best friend and my whole family in one, he was the one thing i could depend on no matter what and now i have nothing, we put off getting married cuz i was in school and we wanted kids but put that off too because we wanted to have a house first, there are websites saved on my computer of baby furniture and bedding we wanted for the nursery we were gonna make and all the other favorites are our wedding stuff....i'm just not sure how i am suppose to live the rest of my life without him, in one second my whole future was thrown back at my face, i feel like we were punished for wanting to do everything the right way, to wait and get married, to wait and have kids...i just don't know...

[misshimstill]

Dear Guest,

I'm sorry to see a new person posting here because I know what it means, but I'm glad you did post with us. You say it took you several weeks to do it, but I'm glad you finally did. You will find supportive ladies here who know what you're feeling, know that lost feeling, know that don't-want-to-go-on feeling or that I-don't-know-HOW-to-go-on feeling. It is a horrible thing to watch the man you love die right in front of you. That's what happened to me. You are doing the right thing by talking about it. I hope you keep talking about it. Let me address one thing you said having to do with the feeling of being punished. You are not being punished for any reason. These things just happen. We don't know why they happen, but they do. I hope you will keep posting here and keep talking about what you're going through. It's hard - terribly hard - probably harder than anything you've ever experienced, but we're here when you want to talk. Blessings, Oneta

[sweetwilliam]

First time posting. Not sure where to begin...My husband died suddenly 11 weeks ago. We met the first day of college, were never apart after that and were married for 36 years. Bill was 56, I am 55. I guess I came here to be able to learn from others who have experienced the same loss, how you go on. Bill was in all my tomorrows. He was so healthy that to lose him from a massive heart attack still makes no sense to me. Why do I keep thinking of the last moments of his life? Why do people tell me that I look good and things must be getting better? How can things get better, without Bill? My emotions are just swirling. Bill and I shared a strong faith so I know God took him for a reason, so I am not mad at God - how could I be when he created the love of my life? I thought time helped, but it has not. If anything, time has made losing Bill harder. I miss Bill so much, I miss the life we had together and miss all our future that will not happen. How do you all do it?

Susan

[anaciris]

For Sweetwilliam and Guest, I am sorry for your losses. My fiance passed away less than 6 weeks ago so I am not the one to give advice, but I have found this a good and safe place to post what I feel without judgment for people that understand how I feel. The ladies here are wonderful and caring.

As for my earlier post, mornings and weekends are the hardest times for me. It feels like I wake up every day and every day I realize again that he is not here which is when I have my darkest thoughts. J would be mad at me if I did anything as he went through a depressed state when he was younger and he didn't like people to think that way. I still have those thoughts and some days are harder than others, but I am trying to take it hour by hour more than day by day at this point. Thank you all for your wonderful and supportive words through this tough time.

[precioustams]

Anaciris, I too have lost my fiance not even 5 weeks now, i was the one that posted earlier as a guest, so I def have no advice to give since I myself don't even know what to tell myself most of the time. I will tell u tho that when i read things u have written I too have felt similar if not the same. I too have thought of horrible things that I know Joseph would not want me to think..i know there is nothing i can say to change ur feelings, but if ur ever bored or want to talk, i'll def listen, I may not know what to say since my own life is out of control, but i'm here...

[missyouhoney811]

Sweetwilliam - My heart goes out to you for your loss. I know how difficult it is. My beloved passed on 8/11/06 the hurt is still in the heart and it always will be. He was my soulmate. We were married for 31 years and together for 35. He was 62 when he died I am 60. People have no clue what to say so they always tend to say the wrong thing and it does upset you, I know. You will go through many stages grieving over your loved one. You can always post here and say whatever is on the top of your head - we always listen and truly feel what you are going through. God Bless and take care of you as you travel on this very sad and lonely new road in life. Be gentle with yourself. Continue postin on this site - it does help.

Dorothy

[armaiti]

To all the new gals posting, I am so sorry for your losses...for me it's about nine and half months...I still miss Ishaq every day. Give yourselves the time and space to feel what you need to feel - as I've said here a lot of times, my spiritual teachers have told me it takes one full walk around the sun just to start to recover from this sort of loss. One full year, to feel whatever you need to feel. Keep posting, we are hear to listen and support you,

Peace,

Anna

[cnpjrs4e]

Thank you Oneta. I don't know why I am so consumed with how I am grieving. I just want to do it right, but I guess there really is not a "right" way. You are right about taking my time through all this, its just hard to take my time when Im young. I want to know my future, I am a planner and now I have nothing to plan. I wanted to be married before I was 25, and I will be 24 this Monday. I guess Forest Gump was right when he said "life is like a bunch of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get". I am going to take my time and not rush things. I will know in my heart, not my head, when I am truly ready to move forward. Thanks again

Courtney

[lindat]

Susan, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Terry on Jan. 17th, 2006 and I still have flashbacks of the night that he died. It has gotten easier, but it has been a long road. Be good to yourself and be patient, this is going to take awhile. Some days you will have to take it a minute at a time and just breathe. We are here for you, please come back often - it does help to know that we understand your pain. Your friends want to think you are better, they do not have a clue. Until they have walked in your shoes, they will never understand. They try to think of positive things to say and sometimes it just comes out all wrong. How do we do it? One day at a time. I hope tomorrow is better for us all. Linda

[misshimstill]

Courtney, I agree with what someone else said about there not being a “right” way to grieve, but I will repeat that there are certainly “wrong” ways; i.e. ways that are not healthy and ways that will not bring healing. I think you are wise to be concerned with not repressing your grief, but I don’t think you need to be “consumed” with it. As I said earlier, for you to be even thinking about it I think tells you that you’re not doing that. Yes, you just have to take your time getting through it. I understand having plans for your future. It’s good sometimes to plan ahead. But some things just can’t be controlled. I have found that it’s a total myth that we are ever in control of our lives. And yes, you will know in your heart when it’s time to “move ahead”. As long as you are listening to your heart, I believe you will be okay. I hope you will continue posting and talking about how things are going for you because it really helps you to be aware of how you’re doing and avoid repression of your feelings and grief.

Susan, I am so sorry to hear about your husband’s death. You and I are about the same age, I see from your story. My husband and I also met at college during the first week and became pretty much inseparable very early on. We were married in April of 1970 and he died of a ruptured aortic aneurysm just before Christmas 1972. I know that was a long time ago and you may wonder what I’m doing here. It’s a long story. But I know that when they are taken from us so suddenly, that seems the hardest to deal with. There is no time before the death to prepare yourself. It is very normal to think of the last moments of his life, or at least that is what I did a lot. People tell you that you look good and think that things must be getting better because they don’t have a clue unless they’ve been through what you’re going through. About all I can tell you about how to get through this is to stay close to God. He will guide you through the storm and even carry you when you are unable to walk. You say that you thought things would “get better” with time, but feel they have not. You need to give yourself some MORE time. It’s only been 11 weeks, and that’s not very much time. Your loss is still so fresh. I can truly understand the feeling of missing your future and the life you had together. I especially have felt that losing my husband so early on in our marriage. Again, all I can tell you is that God will give you the strength. Keep coming here and keep posting because it really helps. I am praying for you.

Anaciris, I can understand the mornings being the darkest times. That has been true of me, too, for the past five years. Some mornings have been so bad that I can hardly get out of bed and just lie there and cry. Somehow, once I get out of bed and try to just simply move, the sun peeps out from behind the clouds.

Precioustams, I think you are the guest that I wrote to last night. I’m glad you are with us because it helps so much to be around others who understand the feelings you are and will be having. I know how rough it is right now, especially in these early weeks when the loss is so fresh. As I have said above, I lost my husband, also, very suddenly of a ruptured aortic aneurysm, so I understand the unexpected and sudden loss. My prayers are with you, also.

For everyone, I found this quote in one of the stories on Indigo’s Home page. I think it is a good insight about the process of grieving. “…it can seem as if you are going backward through the grieving process at times… I think that its normal to go forward AND "backward" through the grief process… sometimes our emotional defenses are lower, and things that we thought we were "over" suddenly become painful all over again.” This – to me – helps explain some of the things we’ve been batting around the last couple of days about the ebb and flow of grief.

Blessings to everyone as you go throughout your day. ~Oneta

[Kelly]

Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[naz496]

Hi all, welcome to the newbies. Im sorry that u have to be here but you will find this place very comforting.

been off line for a few days and its taken me days to catch up. I read most days, but somedays cant respond.

Anna I have a friend that lives in creswell oregan, She use to own the hardware store in town her name is carel Gemmel.Im sure I have been to eugene, from memory its near creswell isnt it. I was there in 1994, what beauitiful country side.

Lindat

Perth is another world away from me never been there. Its appareently a nice place I live on the central coast just north of sydney, near the beaches.I grew up in sydney.

Having issues with denial still. Mal died at xmas last year, and whilst I know he is dead, and i saw him dead, I still feel that he is just at work.I miss him terribly but only like I use to miss him because he is at work.

I would miss him terribly whilst he was at work, and then he would come home cranky and tired and on sunday his only day off I would wish that he would go back to work, as all he and my 7yo would do was fight, all I did was referee.

I was unhappy with our life and I told Mal this. I told him that I didnt want this sort of life. I didnt want him to work so much and I couldnt understand how he could put work before his family. He was sooooo tired and cranky all the time. I know now that it was because he was sick and didnt know it. but that bloody truck drivers life is ****. because of the long hours it covered up the symptoms of cronic heart disease. evey day I told him this bloody industry would kill him, that he would leave his kids with no father and me to raise them by myself which I practially did any way,. I didnt want him to die and Id have this **** life back in an instance if it would bring him back.

I cant really look at his pictures, only glance at them as I will have to acknowledge one day that he is really not coming back. how do u get past the I told u so stage. every day I told him to slow down that it would kill him but he wouldnt listen.I begged him to change. He finally quit his job 5 days before he died and he did try and change for the better but to little to late.I begged him to think of us. I begged him to listen and to stop. I knew in my heart that at about 50 or older he would have a heart attck and have to slow down. I knew when I got the call that he had had a heart attack, and I felt a bit of relief as now he would have to stop. Not for one minute thinking he was dead. You dont die from heart disease at 36 yrs old. I knew when I walked into that hospital that he was dead, but knowone would tell me I begged them to tell me he was still alive.

sorry having issuse this week.

naz

[misshimstill]

Naz,

I am really sorry you're still having such a problem with your feelings of anger against Mal, but I can understand the frustration you must have felt, having to be both mother and father when he was working so much and knowing as you did that his lifestyle was going to kill him. I can understand your not believing that when he had the heart attack that he was actually dead. That's what denial does to us. I was in the same kind of denial about my husband just before his death, and after he died I wondered how I could have not seen it coming. I also blamed myself for not seeing it for what it was - as serious as it was - and thought there should have been something I could have done to prevent his death - like taking better care of him. But that is just guilt talking. It's not the truth. I kind of got the same treatment at the hospital that you did. A little different, but sort of the same. I can relate to your feelings of frustration and anger and helplessness. And I think it's the helplessness that is the worst. I think it's good that you're in touch with your anger, though, because anger doesn't go NO where... it always goes SOME where... and it usually comes out with other people who had nothing to do with the situation at all. Do you have anyone who can help you process the anger that you feel? and the helplessness? I'm praying for you. Blessings, Oneta

[justamom]

Hi Naz,

I can totally relate to your feelinga of denial - that is what I was trying to say previously. I pretended that Steve was at work everyday for like 6 weeks (maybe longer) When he didn't come home at night I pretended that he was at a business trip or playing poker with friends - or even a concert. I made up whole stories in my head about what was happening so I didn't have to deal with my reality. It was so easy for me because I was heavily medicated after the accident that I was really confused. It lasted for a long time. THe Anger came later for me after I realized what had happened. I didn't want to come home that night - i wanted to stay at my sisters and my husband and his friend decided that we would drive home. Who could have known that there would be a drunk 16 year old to hit us head on. I did. I knew for a long time that is what would happen, i just really didn't know that I was in the car. Lots of people have talked about the feeling, or the intuition. i have struggled with that my whole life - sometimes I just know things. WHat good does it do if you can't change things? Makes me mad that is for sure. I am still pissed too. I just wanted to say that I can relate to you. I still fell very misundserstood alot of the time and I wanted you to know that i get what you feel. Very Much so. Take care, Lisa

[naz496]

thanks lisa and onetta for you reply. It sadens me to know that im not the only one out there. Its not fair that this happens to us. life is not fair.

Whilst I respect that God has a place in many people hearts I am searching for and answer. can someone tell me, if god is supppose to look after us, how is it that He could possible need Mal more than his wife and 2 small kids. How could he let what has happened to us this year have happened, and continue to happen. I want all this bad luck over.

Had some positives this week the bank has agreed to wipe Mal credit card debt of 7100.00, and I also found out that I may be entilted to legal aid, to pay some of the solicitors bill that I now have which is over $20.000.00, considering that I have no income now.

Lisa you said that u were in denial for 6 weeks. I think im still there 5 mths later. I know he is dead but I feel that He is at work.

Naz

[justamom]

Naz, I had to deal with alot of financial stuff too - Steve owned a construction business, was in the middle of three jobs at the time and had quite a bit of debt. I just couldn't deal with it. It made me so angry at him to think of how he left things for us and I didn't want to be mad at him. It was all so overwhelming. Fortunatly his cousin is a great guy. a financial guy and I handed all of the Sh*t over to him and I never thought about it again. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I can totally see why your brain still wants you in denial. It is too overwhelming to think of all of that. My denial came and went. Sometimes I still think he is somewhere else at 16 months! For a solid 6 weeks though I never once admitted he was dead. It takes what it takes. That is all I can say. The anger was hard. really hard for me to deal with. Because I didn't want to be mad at him for any reason but I was for alot of reasons. I have also struggled with my relationship with God. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed for anything that night and God let me down. He left me alone, in a field, in the dark, in January holding my husbands dead hand and his best friends head bleeding all over me. I have never in my life been or felt so alone. I had a pretty stong faith before that and that has been the hardest thing for my friends and family to deal with - the fact that I am mad at the big man. I am getting better in that regard too though. I think I just found my gratitiude, I am vey grateful for alot of things in my lie. I am grateful for alot of things from that night too. I still get to get up every morning and I am capable of making my children breakfast. After I saw the car it stilll amazes me that I am okay. Hang in there sweetie. Love on your babies. That is the only thing that helped me when I was really bad. Try to have a nice day. Hopefully the sun is shining in Australia! Take care, Lisa

[misshimstill]

Dear Naz,

I will try to respond to your question, although I shake in my boots at the thought of attempting to answer such deep questions. I don’t consider myself to be an apologist for God or one who defends God. All I can do is tell you how I feel about the issues you have raised.

You ask “if god is supposed to look after us, how is it that He could possibly need Mal more than his wife and 2 small kids. How could he let what has happened to us this year have happened, and continue to happen?”

I’m not sure where the idea ever came from that God “needs” our loved ones. That thought must go back hundreds of years. I’ve heard people say that before, but I’m not sure where that thought came from to begin with. I don’t believe that “God takes our loved ones because He needs them”, especially not more than we need them. There is no question that you and your children still need Mal. His children are not yet grown and you’re not an old woman, so of course you all still need him. His work on this earth was NOT finished. I firmly believe that with all my heart. I can only shake my head with disbelief when people think or tell a grieving family that their loved one’s work on earth was done, and that is why God took them to Heaven. I think that kind of thinking is pure BUNK! As long as a man (or a woman) still have children to raise, their work is far from over.

As for your second question “How could he let what has happened to us this year have happened, and continue to happen?” I’ve said this before, and I’m not sure how to phrase this to not offend anyone, but I’ll try. I believe that this world is surrounded by a “spirit world” of good and bad spirits. I find it remarkable that most people believe in some type of all-powerful being or god/God, but they don’t believe in a source of evil; i.e. the devil. I’ll just state outright that I believe not only in a personal God who loves us and cares for us and provides for us, but I also believe in a personal devil who hates us and wants to hurt us in every conceivable way. I believe this is the source of ALL evil in the world, not God. I believe that God is the “giver of every good and perfect gift” that we receive, and Satan or the devil is the source of everything bad that happens in the world. Therefore, he is the one who brings hurt and calamity to the people living on this planet. So instead of God being the one who takes away our loved ones or causes injury or harm to us, I believe it is Satan who does that to us. It is God who brings good out of bad and provides for us in sometimes miraculous ways when we are in need.

As for why God doesn’t overpower Satan and stop the terrible things that He does, my answer may sound incomplete to you. I believe that every being on the earth, both human being and spirit being, has free will. God has given humans free will to believe in Him or not – to trust in Him or not – to follow Him or not. He has given the same free will to the spirit world. The devil chooses to use his free will to bring calamity on the earth and to the inhabitants of the earth. But God is more powerful and He always brings good out of bad for those who believe He will do that for them. And I also believe that one day all evil will be stopped and the devil’s work will be stopped. That’s a huge issue that I can’t really address here and now, so I will kind of leave it alone for now.

I think some evidence for what I’ve just said is what you said about the bank having agreed to wipe out Mal’s credit card debt and also that you may be entitled to legal aid to pay some of the solicitor’s bill that you now have, which is over $20.000.00. Considering that you have no income now, this is not a small thing. The way I see it is that though Satan means to harm you and hurt you and bring calamity to you, God is working in your behalf to help you by bringing about these miraculous events (and they sound miraculous to me!).

I don’t know… this is probably an inadequate answer to your questions. If these questions could be answered easily, it would have been done eons ago by people smarter than me. These are just my feeble attempts to try to explain how I look at life. I didn’t like it that my husband was taken at such a young age (25), leaving me to raise our unborn baby alone. But I don’t believe it was God who took him from me. He unfortunately had a weakened heart as a result of having had rheumatic fever as a child, and it was so damaged that he died.

If you don’t feel this is a good answer to your question, I understand. Honestly, your questions are hard to answer, and I don’t believe that there is any pat answer to them. Life is hard. Life “sucks” as some would even say. My belief is that even though life sucks, God is powerful and can bring good out of bad if I trust Him to do that. And I can trust Him to take care of me and my family because He always has and He loves us more than I can put into words. So that’s my view of things. I hope this helps you some. I’m certainly praying for you and all the other ladies on this board. We have all been dealt a pretty hard hand in life, but I believe there is a much better life to look forward to, where I will be reunited with my husband and other loved ones for eternity. That is the Christian hope. That is God’s promise.

Blessings,

Oneta

[misshimstill]

I was reading back on the message board just to see what you all had to say back several months ago. You all were having a discussion about how other people are always telling you that you need to “get on with your lives”. Anna said this on 1/16/07 – “instead of allowing themselves to really feel and experience their grief, they shoved it all aside in order to "get on with life" because that was what was expected of them. I thought it was worthy of repeating and reminding ourselves that we don’t have to be in any rush to “get through this”.

And to Naz and anyone else who is interested in reading my thoughts:

I want to add to what I've said earlier that I also have grappled with some of the same issues that you and others of you are asking. What I say below I say with compassion and sympathy for everyone's pain. I hurt so much when I feel the hurt in your postings, and I don't blame you one bit for asking the questions you are asking. You have obviously been given a pretty raw deal in life. All of us have been given a pretty raw deal in life, it would seem – to some, anyway. I have asked these questions, too. I have felt the same pain and loss that you are feeling, and I still do, although I have begun to experience in recent months and weeks a degree of healing. I’ve yelled at God and asked him “why”. These last five years have been the hardest time of my life, and I think I wouldn't be part human if I hadn't had some of the same questions about God that any of you have had. These last few years have presented me with the deepest challenge to my faith. Do I really believe what I've always believed? Do I question anything that I've always believed? Do I think God's promises are really true - or are they just fairy tale? Do I really believe in the goodness of God? Do I honestly blame God for anything that has happened in my life? Do I feel that He has not treated me fairly or hasn't been as good to me as He seems to be to others? These are just a few of the questions I have grappled with over these past few years, that have kept me awake at night. I have walked the floor many nights, while the world slept, crying and calling out to God... and sometimes simply crying... I don't have everything all wrapped up in a nice, neat little package with a nice pretty little bow on the top. My life has not been easy. But at the end of the day when all the questions have been asked and all the tears have been shed, I still come out believing in the goodness of God and His ultimate triumph over evil and pain and death. That is what enables me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not give in to complete and utter despair. Just as short a time as a year ago I was deeply depressed and could do nothing but cry and cry all day long. I would cry in the daytime and then wipe my tears in front of my family and friends because I didn't want them to know how deeply I still hurt. I didn’t want to hurt my present husband any more than I knew I already must have hurt him by crying and mooning over a man who had been dead for over 30 years, while he had provided for me and loved me and cared for me all this time. You’re absolutely right that life isn’t fair. It really isn’t. How I wish it were a little – just a LITTLE easier – but this is our reality. This is our lives! There are people all around us who seem to live picture perfect lives and never experience the hurt and pain that we have experienced. There are some even among ourselves who have had it harder than some of the rest of us. I wish it was easier, but it isn’t. I wish all the crying and pain could just be instantly over with, but it isn’t. I don’t know why I’m even saying all of this to you girls. Why does life have to be so hard? I don’t know. Something I just thought of is that trust and faith are not easy – no matter what you believe in. Faith wouldn’t be faith if it were easy. And we don’t trust someone unless we have learned that we can trust them. Well, God has proven his trustworthiness to me by always being there when I’m down, always being there when I stop yelling at Him and blaming Him for everything bad that happens in my life. I don’t blame anyone for having trouble with His goodness. It seems that if He’s really God and who He says He is, He sure ought to be able to make things go a little smoother than it does. That’s how I think anyway. So I guess we come back to trust again. Circles. Always more circles. I always come back to the same thing – He’s God and I’m not.

Well, just more ranting. I guess we all do it. Please forgive me for mine. Anyway, that’s it I guess. I hope all of you have had or are having pleasant days. Today is actually a beautiful day here in Texas. Very pleasant and cool, not hot like last year, even though it’s well into May and it was 100 degrees this time last year. I’m sitting here at my desk enjoying a Starbucks frapachino… ranting and raving like a crazy woman. Blessings to all of you, Oneta

[cnpjrs4e]

Hey all,

I got around to changing my myspace page today.Whew...I have been putting that on hold for a while now, but it made me accept the loss a little better. I had to change my "status" from "in a relationship" to the dreaded "single". That one hurt, but I feel a little better now. If you wanna check it out. http://www.myspace.com/cnpearson

[misshimstill]

C4, I tried but it said there were no results found for http://www.myspace.com/cnpearson. ~Oneta

[cnpjrs4e]

do it without the period on the end.

[misshimstill]

No, I did. Same thing. (The period in my posting was because it was the end of the sentence. I didn't have the period when I did the search.) You may have to email it to my personal email (in my profile box). That's what Anna had to do for me to view her video. ~Oneta

[aprilmoonflower]

I really don't identify with w/ any God per say as I am an atheist (Though I very much so do beleive in energy and life forces all around us) I am a big believer in the life cycle I guess. We are just all little specks in the grand scheme of the universe and existance. whatever that may be. you know like that old Kansas song? (Dust in the Wind) Also have learned first hand how random life (and death) truly is. it also is miraculous. we are all dying from the day we are born. just another perspective

[sweetwilliam]

Thank you all for sharing your kindness and compassion - it really means so much to me to know that you all understand what I am going through. I have some questions that I need help with. Our daughter is coming home from college next week for the summer. She emailed me before and asked what were doing for her Dad's birthday - the day after she comes home. How did you handle birthdays and Holidays? Our daughter's birthday is just before she returns to college. Since my husband's birthday was always near Memeorial Day and our daughter's near Labor Day, we always had big parties and invited lots of friends and relatives. We live in Wisconsin, so these parties were to celebrate the birthdays and also welcome the beginning of summer and then the end of summer. Did you keep up the same traditions or do something different? I also wonder how I am going to be able to handle keeping my feeling in check around our daughter. She misses her Dad so much, so I do not want to add more pain by having her see me acting crazy with my emotions all over the place. Susan

[lindat]

Hi Susan, My thought would be to celebrate his birthday in whatever way is comfortable for you - or not at all if it isn't comfortable. We have grandchildren and they wanted to have a birthday cake and send balloons to heaven with messages inside. They asked if we could do it every year. We were staying in FL after evacuating from MS because of Katrina when Terry passed away. We lost our home and so did my daughter and her family, so our traditions had already ended before he died. In some ways it was easier, but in others it was very difficult. I still haven't been able to go back to MS, so I am staying with my mom in CA - but I was able to make it back last October for his birthday with the grandkids. My daughter has a very difficult time even now, and sometimes we just cry together on the phone. I used to worry about the same thing, then I found out that she did too. I don't think that either of us add more pain to the other, and sometimes it is comforting to be able to talk to someone that completely understands and shares the loss. Hope that some of this might be helpful - and I hope you are finding some peace. Linda

[armaiti]

Lots of different subjects to catch up on lately!

Susan - I still celebrate Ishaq's birthday and our anniversary, and we will do a special ceremony on the one year anniversary of his passing. His birthday almost always fell on the week we were away at our yearly Northwest Sufi Camp, and since he was one of the founders of that gathering, it was always a big deal. We still celebrated his birthday last year there, along with all the other birthdays that week. Maybe you could ask your daughter what her ideas would be, what she would like? After all, when someone dies, the day they were born still stays the same forever.

I wanted to chime in about my own belief around the conversation about why would God take our partners. For me, I don't believe in a God that is separate from me or the rest of the world. I believe that there is a Divine Source and we all return to that source, but are still part of even as walk this earth. Ishaq used to say before leading an evening of Sufi zikr (which means "remembrance", and is chanting/singing different sacred phrases), "we are here to remember our true nature".

(For the new folks, my partner, Ishaq, was a Sufi sheikh in two different Sufi orders,and I also follow the Sufi path as well as the Native/red road path)

We say "La illaha il'allah" which loosely translated means "nothing exists except the Divine", meaning we are all the Divine as well. We may not know it, and some of us certainly may not act like it, but we have the spark of that true divine nature within us. Everyone of us was born with that potential. Experiences affect the way we grow and how we act, but even in the worst person, that spark of divinity exists. That's been a hard one for me, and I still struggle with it. But it's not up to me to change other people, just my own perception of them.

I don't blame Great Spirit/the Divine for taking Ishaq, because I feel he made an agreement to how this life would be lived before he incarnated. Of his entire family, both sides, no one has ever childhood onset diabetes. It's a hereditary disease, so go figure. But dealing with that,dealing with seeing his mother drown in front of him when he was ten, all these things made him who he was, the man I fell in love with. I'm lucky though, because even though Ishaq died suddenly it was easy on him - it wasn't violent, or from a long illness. So I give thanks for the grace in that.

I feel like he is on a long, extended journey - one that I'll be able to join him on one day. Each day brings me one step closer to that time, and I know I need to live the time that remains to me the best I can, to learn to be the best person I can be. I've never been able to believe in a God that was separate from me, from nature, that had power over me and my life. And that doesn't make me right or anyone else wrong in what they believe. This is just my belief.

There are so many belief systems all over the world, and in our Sufi tradition, and in the Red Road tradition, all are honored and respected, as long as those who believe aren't forcing their beliefs on others or using their religion to hurt others. We are a diverse group here, with different beliefs, different experiences. I think it's that diversity that helps all of us get through this time.

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

Susan...

i will echo what others have said, it is still his birthday. I am coming up on tom's....it is june 21st. last year he was already dead, and what my son and i did was have a bbq in his honor. My son (14..13 then) cooked, friends came over, and we had planted a tree for him a few days earlier, so that morning my son and i buried some of his ashes under the tree, and that evening we all toasted to tom at "his" tree. It was lovely. And i find that, especially with our children, as linda said, that they know how we're feeling, and it is less upsetting to see us cry, to have our feelings show, because that gives them permission to show theirs too.

I'm not sure what we'll do this year...I think maybe my son and i will just go out to dinner or something. The firsts are big for everyone...the seconds, well, maybe that will just be for the two of us who knew and loved him best.

whatever you decide will be right, and your daughters input will probably be much appreciated.

peace,

michele

[sidvis]

Armaiti- Anna-I love all your posts! Reading them is a very up lifting experience. I believe in God and my belief is that He lives within me, if I will only allow myself to "tune in" to Him. Peace to you.

About birthdays, we have had two so far. We never did anything too spectacular so it was not unusual not to continue doing nothing spectacular. I will mention that it is dad's birthday to my kids, and we all think our own thoughts about him, and we will go on with the day. We speak of my husband almost daily, some memory or joke he would say, music he liked. He is ever present in our minds so this is a normal day for us. We don't go in for alot of drama, or rehashing all the pain. Our lives are moving forward without him. We did not think it possible, but, yes it is happening. I believe that letting yourself really feel the pain and expressing it as much as you need will help you get through to the "other side of grief." Peace to all.

[rodless]

and SIDVIS... I love your posts! It is so good to be reinforced in my belief that life goes on and it's up to me to live it the best way I can.

I celebrated Rod's birthday (April 7) by buying license plates with eagles on them. I intend to find something each year to honor him - maybe a gift to charity or next year put his name on the veteran's memorial in town.... just something from me that says I remember and honor your role in my life. I am no longer in contact with his kids but my two each called and talked about what a great influence he was as a stepdad and how much they miss him. We all have to do what works for us.

Hope all have a good weekend. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Susan (and any other new ones I missed)...I am so sorry you had to find this site. I lost my husband last July and this has been a tremendous blessing to me. Only those who have gone through this truly understand and at 11 weeks, it too soon to be doing anything but getting through each day as best you can. Stay with us.. it will help. Mary Jo

[rodless]

One more (I do better with short posts obviously) one great thing about this site is the diversity of beliefs. I have done tons of reading on the afterlife from all different points of view. Although I am a Christian, I honor each one of you for whatever path you follow, belief or non-belief. I think it is our right to choose! Mary Jo

[Guest Guest]

July 28, 2007 will be the 2 year aniversary of my fiancee's death. He was 29 years old, I was 26. Our son was 4 when his father died, a month after their birthdays. He was a small aircraft pilot, his plane went down one morning in the mountains of B.C. It took 3 days for them to find him and his co pilot. After 3 days and 2 agonizing nights, I can still hear the words in my head that afternoon from the phone call I got. "They've found them, they're both dead". Through the whole time they were looking for them I swore that they had crash landed somewhere and were freezing and maybe hurt (but ok) and all alone. I felt so bad that they were out there and I was in my warm bed. I was told that the had died instantly, so i'm glad that Michael didnt suffer in pain.

Its almost 2 years and It still feels like it was just a month ago. I cried every day all day for 5.5 months, then it was once a day, every other day and now once a week. I cant let him go. We had planned our future together, we had named our future kids, and how namy more we wanted to have. He was in B.C. and I was in Alberta, he was getting a house ready for us and we were to move there the next month. No move, no future kids and my son now has no father. My heart still hurts, It feels so heavy but empty. I pray for strength, I talk about him with our son and keep his memory alive so our son can remember him. I try and I try but I cant seem to make this pain go away. I'm so mad at God, how could he take away a 4 year olds daddy? How could he take away the man that I love? The man that I wanted to have more children with, the man I wanted a future with? How could he leave us with out saying goodbye. I'm so angry at Micheal for leaving us. He knew how important to us he was. I'm so sorry that we argured before he died, I never got to say that i'm sorry. Everyone around me thinks that I should have gotten over it by now, it still feels so fresh I my mind and in my heart. I dont know why i'm hear or why i'm telling my story, and what I hope to get from this. If just felt right. I'm 28 now, still single and dont get me wrong I love my son to peices and when I look at him I see his father, they could have been twins, 25 years apart.

What if I'm alone and lonely like this for the rest of my life?

[Guest Guest]

I cant get my login name to post here but my e-mail address is simpson.jane@hotmail.com.

just in case i dont come back to this site for awhile

[armaiti]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry for your loss. July 28th will also be the one year anniversary of my partner's passing. He died very suddenly of a heart failure/blood clot while laughing and swimming with friends in a river here in Oregon. I think of him everyday, I talk to him every day. He was just a couple weeks shy of 56, and I'll be 52 in a little over a week. For me, I don't want to have another partner, Ishaq was my soulmate and the love of my life.

You say you argued and never got a chance to say you were sorry. I believe that our beloveds here us, where they are now, and I'm sure he knows how you feel, and understands. I know Ishaq still loves me and watches over me, and that I'll be with him again when I cross over,and that brings me comfort. My spiritual path is a mystical one (I follow the Sufi path, and also follow Native/Red Road teachings),and in my belief system Ishaq is still very present in my life, just in a different form than when he wore a body.

And about being alone...there are other women on this board who post often, who have found love again, but still love their departed partners just as much as they always did. Keep reading and posting here, this board has given me a lot of insight and comfort over the part months.

Peace to you,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Guest, when you truly and deeply love someone the hardest thing to hear is someone say get on with your life. When people say things like this to me my reply now is put yourself in my place how would you feel if you lost your husband/wife/boyfriend. It seems to close them up a bit. I also add if your really love and need your soulmate you will miss them. As Anna I continue to talk to my John as if he were still here. I kiss his pictures in the morning when I wake up and at night before I go to sleep. I talk to him throughout the day even in the car. I talk out loud not just in my head. I probably will for the rest of my life. John was my life since I was 25 I am now 60 and still in love with him even tho his body is no longer here with me. I fee and I believe his spirit will always be with me. Tears still come. My son was very concerned about me when I did not bath, shower, eat or even leave the house. He was very worried. At that time he felt that I should be out among other people trying to make my day better. I told him I was fine - I am grieving and this is the way my life will be until I decide to "Move On" - I also added put 35 years on with your relationship with Vanessa (girlfriend) How would you feel if she died? Since that statement to him I think he knows exactly how I feel. If people were to walk in your shoes just one time.

I hope all of you have peace within your day.

Love and God Bless,

Dorothy

[naz496]

dear guest

Im sorry that u have to join us, but glad that u have.

My storey is very much like yours, but I have 2 small children 3 and 7. Mal died 5 mths and 8 days ago. and I was 33 when he died. and yes. No future together no getting old together, no sundays together and yes no father for the kids,and who knows yet about the house.know one to lean on, and alothough Mal wasnt home much I miss every inch of him, every moment of every day. People think I alright because that is what the want to believe, but its all an act. Im not ok, and i dont want to be ok.. I want to cry fro him and I want to be sad but everone think you just have to get on with things. do they not get that u dont want to go one with things.life is ****, and hard and lonely and sad, and full of hurt that we dont want to face, do people no0t get that.

Lats night I went to a girl friend house and was holding a new born baby. and whilst I dont want any more kids it makes me sad that even if I did there wont be any.please stay with us it does help. it does take a fraction of the isolation and loneliness away, even if it is for only a minute ior two.

I had my first dream last night since Mal died, and I dreamt that it wasnt my knee that was the problem (I have a saw knee for mths). its that Im 5.5 mths pregnant, and that what was causing the pain in my knee. cant make sense of it, but woke up with a very say knee, and saying to the dr that I cant be pregnant. Its not possible. and cried because I dont want any more kids but in the same token this was Mals baby. woke up exausted this morning. I guess its all that dreaming.

Watched grey's anatomy tonight and georges father died. didnt cope well, there are tears everywhere.

naz

[missyouhoney811]

Courtney - I checked out your "myspace" You are a very young and pretty girl who has a very long life ahead to find peace and happiness. Good luck in your nursing career. We need more GOOD NURSING in the hospitals today.

God be with you.

Dorothy

[anaciris]

I wanted to thank everyone again for their supportive thoughts. Last week was very tough and the dark thoughts got out of control. My therapist and I have decided I should try some medication for a while to get me through the tougher times and at least get rid of my darker thoughts. I hope it works. Last time I took such medicine I got a horrible allergic reaction. Here's hoping that's not the case this time.

So I did get my tattoo this past weekend with his name. It was not as painful as I imagined but painful enough. It turned out great and it gives me some comfort that there is something permament of J with me forever. Not having had kids or even a pet together it feels like nothing was left of him for me to have for as long as I am here. It all just disappeared 6 weeks ago. I walked for 4 hours today and I feel a little calmer. I think I could have walked for more if my feet didn't hurt so much.

I hope you are all well and having as good/peaceful a day as possible.

Anaciris

[anaciris]

Anaciris, I too have lost my fiance not even 5 weeks now, i was the one that posted earlier as a guest, so I def have no advice to give since I myself don't even know what to tell myself most of the time. I will tell u tho that when i read things u have written I too have felt similar if not the same. I too have thought of horrible things that I know Joseph would not want me to think..i know there is nothing i can say to change ur feelings, but if ur ever bored or want to talk, i'll def listen, I may not know what to say since my own life is out of control, but i'm here...

Precioustams, thanks for your thoughts. I would like to get some of my more hopeless thoughts under control so that is what I am focusing on at the moment. I don't want to be too negative. If you wouuld like to e-mail me I think you can do so from the website but I'm not too sure how it works. I hope all is well with you.

[susanbruce]

Today is my Bruce's 60th birthday. I bought him a card - wrote him a note and signed it, put it in a zip lock baggie and took it to the cemetary. I took a flag and his God Bless the USA magnetic decal he had on the back of his truck. He wouldn't have wanted flowers for his birthday - his flags would be what he wants.

It's been 13 months now. I come to this site everyday and read what everyone else is posting. So many new ladies, some so very young. That old cliche -

Life can change in a split second, has slapped us all in the face.

I feel nothing. The only times I feel like myself are when I am at work and when I am with my daughter and grandson. Bruce and I always stuck real close to home, didn't really have any friends, just visited family at holidays, birthdays and stuff like that. We always had a good time but we sure did like coming back to just the 2 of us. My family thinks I am pushing them away. I guess I am. They've tried so hard to help me and they have. They've done so much for me. It's just Real Life 101 that I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I have to figure that one out myself and I really don't want to right now.

I get tremendous comfort knowing that he still loves us and watches over us. He's let me know by things that mean something only to him and I, that he's around. I can't say enough how good that makes me feel. I hope that you all get those same signs.

God be with you all,

Susan

[mishknit]

Nice to hear from you susan...

tomorrow will be 16 months for me.....

when do we stop counting months? I remembere asking when we stopped counting days, then weeks....

big sigh.

peace,

michele