I Miss Him So...

[ripzuck]

Oneta - what you describe at the end of your post - the last dream where you are with him and can remember your senses of being there, touching him, etc. - those are one of the signs that it wasn't just a dream, but was a visitation. In my belief these aren't dreams, but we are really traveling in a way. What I feel is this - and a lot of this is in line with current theories of quantum physics - everything in the universe vibrates at a certain level. We are made of particles that are constantly in motion. Of course, we can't see that, it seems we are solid, but we really aren't. When someone dies and their spirit leaves their body, they are still existing, but at a different vibrational level. And different people will manifest in different ways, just like in our earthly bodies we all have different talents and abilities.

When I've had what I call "lucid" dreams with Ishaq, I know that I am in a different place. I've tried to stay there as long as I have, and when I come back it isn't like waking it up - it's more like a "fade" from one place to another. There was a dream where I woke up with a start, and I'm in bed with Ishaq and I said "Ishaq, you're here!" He said "where else should I be?". Then I remembered he had died and knew I was with him in the vibrational plane or dimension or whatever where we could connect - a friend of mine likes to call it "the mezzanine between the worlds". I tried to stay with him as long as possible. I'd turned the light on in this space, but then it started to get darker and the next thing I knew I was back in my bed, alone. I didn't feel sad, though, I felt happy that I could connect with him, and knew that I would be able to be there with him again.

Most dreams he comes to show me things or tell me things, or just be with me, but a few have been the lucid/dimensional travel. It sounds like your Lamar came to you this way. It also sounds like you have the ability to connect this way through your dreams, that this is a talent of yours, but training would help. I've spent about 25 years doing dreamwork, so it's not surprising to me that I can recall most of my dreams and connect with Ishaq this way. There are some good books on lucid dreaming by a man named Stephen LaBerge, but I've found to just remember when I wake up each time what I dreamt is the best way, and I keep a dream journal of all my significant dreams, especially with Ishaq.

Peace,

Anna

[ripzuck]

In the dream, or in the place I was in, it looked like our bedroom, and when I woke up in that space it was nighttime, and I sat up and turned on the lamp next to the bed so I could see Ishaq and talk to him. That's what I meant. So the room was light then, since I'd turned the lamp on, but when I faded from that reality to my own reality, it was dark because it was night here where I live, in this dimension.

[missyouhoney811]

Hi Everyone/ - I take my last half of a happy pill tonight. I am weaning off. I guess my system can't take the medication. I'll deal with my life the best I can. Lord knows we all do go through bad times. This was the first time I ever tried any of the meds and it did not work.

A happy note - I made reservations for Austin, Texas - my niece will be getting married on 9/15. I plan on being there from 9/13 to 9/17. It should be a good and happy time. I also made reservations for 12/23 to 1/2/08 I am going to San Juan, Puerto Rico for Christmas, my birthday and New Years. I will be staying with my son's girlfrends family. I actually was trying to get out of going but this has been planned for the past two years. My John was also going. He will going in my heart. I miss him so. Talk to him all the time.

Its funny you brough up Josh Groban, tickets went on sale here on Monday. My son is a associate buyer for American Eagle. He got the tickets and also the companies box where Josh Groban will be performing. That is my mothers day gift.

He will be coming to Pittsburgh on August 4th a week before the year of John's death. I enjoy all of his songs. He is very talented.

I am also into dreams. As a matter of fact when I wake up throughout the night I write down whatever I dream so I do not forget in the morning. I found with the happy pills I DO NOT DREAM.

Take Care and God Bless,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

I have an insane week, and can't really write much now..but will soon.

But i had to say to oneta, thanks for that quote from gloria vanderbilt...."closure has no meaning for me"

PERFECT! I have been feeling that..and yet, when i read it i knew that what was what i was feeling.

and...naz.....if happy pills aare helping then you are honoring mal. if they're helping you function better i this life..good, that's what they're supposed to do. I read your posts, and see a woman who is deeply feeling her loss....don't worry about that.

and the dreams...anna and oneta..such great conversation...thanks for sharing with us all. (see..now i want to write a lot..I can't...no no!! LOL)

i'll write soon and tell about this week and why it's so hectic, and what I'm doing next week, which will be the opposite...

but i read daily, have to, and send hugs and strength to all of you.

michele

[naz496]

onetta and anna

I so appreciate your input. I feel so alone down here in australia. everyone wants me to be back to normal but I will never be the same again, and I dont want to be.

spoke to dr today about happy. pills. she sugested that I stay on the pills as I have alot to deal with, loosing our house fighting my grandfathers estate fighting insurance co, and workers comp, and much more and all that without looking after my 2 small kids. Whilst it seems that I have found some energy and resumed my life easier with the pills I dont want to resume my life and I want to be sad.I have only just started to realise that Mal is not coming home and now these tablets dont let me grieve. I want to feel sad do they not get that. I know its better for the kids if I take them but, I dont want this to go for years. I will have to grieve someday, and this is just prolonging it.

dr wants me to take them until after the first anniversay which it xmas . this seems like an eternity away. Im so stuck as to what to do. The only way I get a good nights sleep is to take a sleeping tab, which I am also against but I cant function the next day, because I wake up exausted if I dont take the. For 33 years I have never taken sleeping tabs or happy pills and now I have to take both. I dont want to get addicted.

Good luck weaning off the happy pi;;s dorothy

naz

[fourleafclover]

Oneta and all.

Most of you talk about dreams, but nobody mentions nightmares. Is there anybody who has nightmares about your loved ones? I never dream about him in a way I would like to...it's always nightmares about him being sick, or pleading with me for help, or reaching out to me. That kind of thing. It's horrible and to be honest, when I get into bed at night...I am terrified of falling asleep. Does anyone else have that?

Oneta: You speak wise words and your last post to me was beautiful. You're right, this life is not limbo. It's life, but to me it seems so empty and as I read the other posts, I realise that deep down you all feel emptiness around you.

Naz: My heart goes out to you. Over and above mourning your loss, you have to deal with everything else as well. Take the meds and know that you will come out with your heart intact. That's what I started on Monday. Just when I thought I was finally coming out of the darkness around me, I sunk in deeper. I took it upon myself to "snap out of it", as most people would say and realised that I needed help.

My daughter approached me on Tuesday and what she said devastated me. "Mommy...you are so sad all the time. Is it us?". She had tears in her eyes and it broke my heart. How do you tell your beautiful daughter that your whole reason for being alive is standing right infront of you? And then I realised...I can tell her that a million times, but how would she ever believe me if I never showed it. I held her in my arms and told her that I loved her and her brother more than anything else in the world, and as I said it...I realised; "It's true...I do...even more than William." I was so consumed with my hurt and anger, that I allowed my life to carry on without me in it. For seven years, I have been distant; I haven't really been paying attention and I have allowed time to pass by while living in limbo. I made a promise to her that my sadness for something I cannot change will end. I know that I need to be happy to have happy and well adjusted children. So and this is for Oneta: today I make a promise to live the rest of my life; to really live, even only for my children. I will still miss William and I will love him always...if only in my mind. But in my heart, my family waiting patiently for me to come back to them, will now have me back. Whatever decision William made and for whatever reason; that's okay too.

To all of you out there: may God bless each and every one of you; may you all find that inner peace and may you all know one thing: In this life, you were loved.

Oneta: Thank you so much for your beautiful words and the wisdom that have allowed me to open my eyes and my heart again. Thank you for telling me over and over again that it's okay to feel this way; helping me to finally "snap out of it", as I feel I have done. Yes, it may be the meds; but at the same time...it may be for real. I have so much catching up to do with my husband and children, and I don't want to waste anymore time doing it. I don't know what I would have done without you all.

God bless you all.

[rodless]

I had one last night. He was lying there dying and I couldn't get to him. I suppose it's a way of my guilt showing up. Although I was with him most of the time, there were days I simply had to be at work. So far when he appears in my dreams, he's still sick. I'm hoping that will change because we had a lot more happy years than sick ones.

[misshimstill]

Dorothy, I don't know if you know this or not, but I live in Austin! I would love to meet you face to face. Would you like to do that? ~Oneta

[justamom]

I don't dream very often since the accident. I have only had 3 dreams with Steve in them in the entire 15 months and they were nightmares and I woke up immediately. If I do dream they have a tendancy to be really intense and scary. I too go to sleep and pray that I don't dream. I am still seeing my therapist and she is trying to help me get ot the point where I can dream at all and then have good dreams. I stay up really late so that when I do go to sleep I am really tired nd don't dream - I do have a tendancy to be really iirational because I am sleep deprived. If it gets really bad I will take melatonin for a couple of nights to get some sleep. My regular medical doctor prescribed sleeping pills as well as "happy pills" right after the accident. When I found my therapist she was more of a naturalist and she got me off of them and has been helping me with hypnotherapy and herbs. Honestly I think that it is whatever works for you. I know that I realised early on that I had to function, that is what needed to happen so I did whatever it took. Each persons process and journey is there own and we all do it differntly. It still amazes me how it comes and goes. I have been rolling on feeling pretty good and then for the last 3 days have just been a basket case. Miserable. Everyone wants to know what happened? what "triggered" this round of sadness and depression. My only answer is that my best friend died and I really miss him. I hope you all are ok today. Take care, Lisa

[aprilmoonflower]

does anyone like ALison Krauss? I was listening to this song the other day and it relally speaks true to me.

I don't pick up the mail

I don't pick up the phone

I don't answer the door

I'd just as soon be alone

I don't keep this place up

I just keep the lights down

I don't live in these rooms

I just rattle around

I'm just a ghost in this house

I'm just a shadow upon these walls

As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls

I'm just a whisper of smoke

I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire

That once burned out of control

You took my body and soul

I'm just a ghost in this house

I don't care if it rains

I don't care if it's clear

I don't mind stayin' in

There's another ghost here

He sits down in your chair

And he shines with your light

And he lays down his head

On your pillow at night

I'm just a ghost in this house

I'm just a shadow upon these walls

I'm living proof of the damage heartbreak does

I'm just a whisper of smoke

I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire

That once burned out of control

And took my body and soul

I'm just a ghost in this house

Oh, I'm just a ghost in this house

[misshimstill]

Michelle, I was very touched by Gloria Vanderbilt’s comment myself because that’s how I have felt for the last several years now. I even commented to my husband that she had said that and asked him what he thought about it. He said that he had not experienced the kind of grief I have, but he thinks that for some it would be very true.

Naz, I’m so sorry that you feel so alone. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings associated with grief, I think. But probably inevitable since hardly anyone understands what we feel. I have heard you say more than once that people just want you to be “normal” again. This is very frustrating since we don’t feel that we’ll ever be “normal” again and really don’t want to be normal if that means living like the one we miss was never in our lives. In C.S. Lewis’ book, A Grief Observed, which I have heard some of you mention, he writes that he doesn’t ever want to go back to a pre-H (what he called his wife) life. I could so relate to that when I read it. I didn’t ever want to live my life anymore (as I had done for 30 years) as if Lamar had never existed. Hang in there. You’re not alone. We’re here with you and we all understand what you’re feeling.

I sure do understand your feeling that the “happy pills” prevent you from grieving. As I wrote before, I had that concern, too. However, you do have a lot on your plate with all the legal stuff you have going, not to mention taking care of your children and your grief. What I found was that to take them short-term really helped me without stopping the grieving process. They enabled to think, to work, to care for my family, etc. They helped me to be able to concentrate. Before taking them I would try to work. I have mentioned that I work from home. I do medical transcription – transcribe operative reports for one of the big hospitals in Austin. It takes a lot of concentration because it has to be correct. I would find that I couldn’t concentrate well enough to do it. It would take me 30 minutes or more just to type a 3-minute report. Not only that but my hands would shake so badly that I couldn’t type. I also had a thyroid problem going on, which I didn’t know about, and when I got that corrected and took the antidepressants, I was able to at least keep my job, not a minor thing at the time.

I understand the sleeping pill problem, too. I have just gotten off them in the last month. I was very addicted to them, having taken them for over two years. Right now I find sleeping very difficult, but am able to get a few hours each night, which is enough for now, I guess. It’s very hard. Just hang in there and keep writing to us. We’re all here and we all care.

Fourleaf, Thank you for the kind words you had to say to me. As I write I always wonder if what I’m saying is helpful at all or just me rambling on and on. If I do that, then please let me know, any of you.

Your discovery of the fact that your children mean more to you than anyone, even William, is a momentous discovery!… because they ARE more important than anyone. We find that we can “pull ourselves together” for them, even if for no one else. I think that’s what makes us mothers.

I went through a several-month period of time when I thought I would just trick everyone and make them think I was better, had just “snapped out of it”. I couldn’t do it for even an hour at a time. My thinking was that if I couldn’t actually BE better, I would SEEM to be better, but I couldn’t pull it off. I would always fall back into the depression. It was like a bottomless pit of despair and grief, swallowing me up whole into it. It was the most horrible experience of my life. Even as I felt I was beginning to climb out of it, I would feel as though I was just right at the edge of it and in danger of falling back into it again, which was so frightening to me. I think that if not for the prayers of my husband and a few close friends, I would have succumbed to the pull of “the pit”, and I’d have been a gonner for sure! I well up with tears even as I read this back to myself, remembering all too well how it felt to be there. I’m so thankful to be where I am presently, even though I know I’m not all the way healed. Reading this to my husband on the phone, he said that even though we all have to “walk that lonesome valley alone”, it’s good to know that we have others walking close by, in the shadows, helping us along. All our prayers are with you. This is the most supportive group I’ve ever known of. I think it’s wonderful how everyone, even in the midst of her own pain, is always pulling for and supporting everyone else in their pain.

Nightmares: Both you and Mary Jo (Rodless) mentioned that you have had trouble with that. I hope that Anna will speak to that some. I have read some on dreams and know there is significant meaning to them, especially nightmares, but really don’t know anything that would help either of you. I think they indicate some deep fear within us or are the replaying of what we’ve already lived through, sort of like back-flashes. I will pray for both of you in regard to this. It’s hard enough to sleep without fearing sleep, which both of you do.

Well, I’ve finally reached the end of what was on my mind. You all would probably be surprised to know that in person I usually have very little to say. But when I start writing – watch out! Have a good day, everyone. Blessings. ~Oneta

[missyouhoney811]

Oneta, Yes, I would like to meet you while I am in Austin, Texas. My flight is on September 13th I arrive at 3:40 - I depart on September 17th at 4:10. The wedding is on Saturday September 15th. It sounds like a plan to me. Can't wait to meet you.

God Bless and Take Care.

Dorothy

[misshimstill]

April and Lisa, I just read your postings which you wrote while I was writing mine. April, the poem says it all, doesn't it? We all know the feeling. It made me cry to read it. Lisa, They just don't get it, do they? What's wrong with you??? How ludicrous! You gave a perfect answer. ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Dorothy, Likewise! I look forward to it! ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Oneta and everyone - I can't really speak to the nightmare issue... I really haven't had any of what I would call nightmares about Ishaq. I did have one dream that was upsetting, which I wrote about some time ago, but I'll post a short version here for Oneta who may not have seen it yet. In the dream Ishaq was leaving me to be with another woman, a woman named "Shanti", and I was really upset. When I woke up and got a call from my friend in So. Oregon I found out that Ishaq's best friend's girlfriend had died that night, from brain tumor surgery complications. My friend's take was that Ishaq was going off to help her in her transition from this life to the next. I said that in my dream the woman's name was Shanti, and that wasn't this woman's name, and my friend said, that's the middle name she used - something I had NEVER known! So though in my dream I was upset and didn't want him to leave, when this was made clear to me I understood that he was letting me know he was helping his friend's beloved make her journey.

I've had nightmares in the past, but they usually had something to do with things I was dealing with in life, working things out, sending me messages. While some of the dreams I have had of Ishaq have been sad, most are happy, some even funny - there was one where in my dream he was alive again and I was trying to figure out if we had to pay back the life insurance, and asking him, hey, they can't take it back right, because you were dead for a little while? And we were laughing about it. Seems a lot that he wants to share the joy he feels now with me, letting me know he's still with me, that we'll be together again and how awesome it will be then, but to also encourage me to try to do my best on earth while I'm in my body.

I know I have it easier than most of you - I don't have kids to raise, his family supports and loves me, and my community is here for me as well. My heart goes out to all of you who struggle every day to keep going. You are all so very brave, and a great inspiration. I don't know if I would be able to do all the things you do. I'm not a patient person, I made a choice early on to not have children, and it worked out good because I Ishaq's kids were teenagers when he and I got together and they lived with their mom. I get along good with teenagers, and now they are older and we are all still close. So I have a lot to be grateful for. I keep all of you in my prayers as you work and live and struggle to find your happiness again.

Blessings,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Anna, I hadn't read that story about Ishaq helping the woman who had died. It's certainly interesting to me, especially in view of the fact that you didn't know this woman's middle name, but this was the name she went by in the dream. To my view of dreams and my limited understanding of dream interpretation, I would definitely put this in the category of a prophetic dream. To those of you who don't dream this kind of dream you shouldn't feel bad that you don't. Not all people have this gifting. Sort of like Medium on TV. She has it and her girls have it (and on a recent episode her brother has it), but not everyone around her does, and she is even misunderstood by those who know about her until they begin to understand what is going on with her.

I would agree with what you said about some dreams having to do with things that are going on in our lives. They don't particularly have any prophetic symbolism, but are part of how we deal emotionally with these issues. I think dreams and dream interpretation is very fascinating and one that I intend to study up some on (when my new books arrive).

Anyway, just a few rambling thoughts, kind of like all of my postings are... Check the postings out in a while again. This is so great. Wish I had known of this back in '04 and '05 when I was in such bad shape... ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Oneta, to me this dream was what I call a "visitation dream". It was Ishaq communicating with me, not me have a prophetic dream. I don't have any of those clairvoyant kind of talents. I have other friends who sense Ishaq in different ways, one has even seen him standing next to me. But I just sense his presence sometimes, and he tells me things in dreams. But I feel it is him doing the connecting.

Peace,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Anna, As I have said it's all very interesting to me. Also, as I have said I am just a novice in this, but I understand (I think) the distinctions that you draw. I enjoy the discussions and learning more about your experiences. ~Oneta

[armaiti]

I'm sorry if I seem overly picky about descriptions, I just want to be careful that I don't put myself out there as anything more than I am. Ishaq had been doing intense spiritual practices for over 30 years, he was a true Master in many ways, and I felt I was his student as well as his partner, though we learned from each other too. Ishaq came from a long line of pastors - his dad is still minister in the United Church of Christ, and Ishaq's grandfather started a church in a small town in Texas when he first came to the US from Germany that is still operating today. So he brought a Christian background along with his Sufi beliefs. In turn, I taught him about the Goddess tradition, and he began to bring more of the sacred feminine into his teachings and classes. We merged our spirituality as we merged our lives.

When a Sufi Sheikh dies, he still has a committment to the students he took while in his body, to be there for them, and I've heard many reports from Ishaq's students about dreams, and contacts from him. It helps validate that what I feel is true, and that Ishaq will be there for me for the rest of my life.

Peace,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Anna,

No apologies necessary. I completely understand your being careful about making yourself out to be, as I had called you, an expert, in anything that you don't believe yourself to be. I'm sure I would do the same thing if someone tried to call me an expert in these subjects. I'm just looking into the subject and really enjoy our conversations. You and Ishaq have/had interesting backgrounds. I may not subscribe to your views, but I find them very interesting.

By the way, I was just kind of snooping on some of the other (what do they refer to them as - threads?) categories of this message board. Some of them get pretty nasty in their disagreements. I've been so impressed that we can put out different ideas on this one and don't get upset with each other. (On one of them the moderator had to call them off one another. They were really at each other's throats.) I've had a lot of enjoyment in our discussions.

By the way, just curious. You mention that Ishaq's grandfather came from Germany. His name is very interesting, but doesn't sound German to me. What nationality is it?... if you don't mind me asking. ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Oneta - Ishaq (pronounced "EE-shock") is his Sufi name. It's an Arabic name given to him by his teacher in the seventies, and its mystical spiritual meaning is "Divine Laughter". It's the Arabic version of Isaac. Ishaq's given name was Daniel, which his co-workers at the Red Cross called him, and his dad and sisters called him Dan. People used to joke I lived with two men, since our answering machine said "you've reached the number for Ishaq, Daniel and Anna"!

Most of us who take initiation in this Sufi order (Sufi Ruhaniat International, if you are interested you can find more about it at http://www.ruhaniat.org are given names (eventually if not right away) by their teachers. My teacher gave me the Sufi name "Armaiti", which comes from the Zoroastrian tradition and is the name for the element/being of earth. Mine is a bit unusual, most of the Sufi folks I know have names that come from what are called the 99 Divine Attributes and are from the Arabic. They are often given to mirror a person's attributes or sometimes to help them develop one. And actually, the pronounciation of Ishaq's name is incorrect, but that's what everyone was used to - his teacher didn't have a good grip on Arabic pronounciation, so that's how it ended up. When we'd meet a Middle Eastern person,they would always say "ees-HAQ". There's actually a lot of funny stories about the Arabic being mis-pronounced. Have you ever heard the saying "trust in Allah but tether your camel?". Someone came up to Ishaq after an event and said "Maybe you can clear this up for me. I've never, understood this saying, can you explain it to me? Trust in olives but tether your camel!" Ishaq always loved to tell that story.

I'd looked at some of the other sites too and been kind of surprised how nasty some folks get. I think I read one where someone actually told another person to "get over it and quit complaining"! I'm glad we all support each other on this board and don't have to deal with c**p like that - how mean!

Take care,

Anna

[armaiti]

Good evening everyone! I thought you all might enjoy this...I've uploaded two videos to Youtube, of Ishaq and I performing at an Interfaith Service a few years ago. There are two songs: A Prayer Beyond, by our friend Daniel Rhiger, is a beautiful song that he wrote during the first war in Iraq, and is so appropriate now. The second "Long Time Sun", is a song we often sang to end gatherings or camps or spiritual events. I ended up using my camera and recording it off the TV, so it's a little blurry, but at least I finally got it up where people can see it!

The links are:

A Prayer Beyond: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HutC-UsiJ5c

Long Time Sun: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuJyHKRsoXU

I hope you get a chance to look, I just wanted to share what a wonderful musician Ishaq was, and his shining light really comes through when he plays!

Peace, Love and Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[misshimstill]

Anna, Thanks for the background info. As I have said many times, "very interesting". I will definitely look up the videos you uploaded. Wish I had something similar to upload for everyone to see. As Ishaq had a special gift for music, Lamar had a very special gift for art. He was just beginning to "bloom" as an artist. He had a professor at college who had handpicked him as a special student and was giving him free private lessons in oil painting, must more interesting and much more difficult than painting in acrylics. His last two paintings before his death of a coyote, which he gave to his father, and a bobcat, which I still have, are my pride and joy. People who have seen them always say that they look like photographs. I wish I had a way to share them with all of you, as I am so proud of them. I wish he had lived long enough to expand his ability and become the "great artist" I always knew was in him. I wsa a little jealous when I read about you watching a video you have of him singing because all I have of Lamar are pictures that are by this time very old and discolored. I have been trying to get them restored so that I have at least that much. Also, like some of you who have saved clothing, etc., when he died I was in such a state of - I'm not sure what - that I got rid of everything of his except his paintings and a little carving he had given me of a little owl (because we had no money) that he gave me at the time of my miscarriage of our first baby. It was so sweet when he brought it to me. He was kind of apologetic that this was "all he could give me", but I have always loved it because he took the time to do it himself. He was like that inso many ways. Anyway, I'll be happy and eager to watch your videos. I repeat, I think all our sharing of our lives is absolutely wonderful. I think I have felt more joy this week since discovering this website than I've felt in four years. Blessings, Oneta

[misshimstill]

One more thing, Anna. (I'm up now at 4:30 - my fragmented sleep occurring again, and my head is full of thoughts.) I tried tonight before I went to sleep asking Lamar to come into my dreamsif he has the ability to do that. I have always hesitated in doing that because I believe dreams are either the replaying of whatever is going on in our lives as a way of processing fears, worries, whatever... or they are initiated by God, and as a Christian, I am forbidden by Scripture to seek communication with the dead, so I have never asked him to actually visit me in my sleep. But as an experiment, I did last night ask Lamar, if he has the ability to do that, to come into my dreams. I may be splitting hairs, I don't know. This is one of the things I need to research in my reading. I'm very eager for my books to arrive. Well, since waking up at 4:30, no dreams so far - of him. I've had dreams, but not anything that I care to remember. I find such comfort in the few dreams I've had of him, even if they are of a less satisfying nature than the one I told you about, that I would settle even for one of them. I have decided that my new description of myself is widow/wife. I was first an unmarried girl, then a wife, then a widow, then remarried. The name on my tombstone, which I had put up two years ago (another long story) is Oneta Ubert Hammans because that's how I think of myself since the resurfacing of my grief. So I guess it fits that I would think of myself as a widow/wife. I don't know why I'm telling you guys this. Maybe because I have things I keep inside that I have no one to tell, but would like to tell someone, and I figure you guys would understand. I think we carry around such a tumult of feelings and thoughts that we know others around us won't understand, so we don't say them. Maybe we can begin to get some outlet of those feelings as we share them with each other. Do you think? Well, I guess I should try to get a little more sleep before my day begins for real. Again, blessings to all of you, Oneta

[missinmyhubby]

Anna, beautiful, just beautiful....

Oneta....I am the one who asked you to tell me more about yourself. Until you joined us, I was the most traveled in this journey we must endure. I lost my husband and remarried recently. I have found nothing but the utmost support from the ladies on here, and am so grateful to have found this site. I have a wonderful new husband, but sometimes I have questions regarding some of the feelings that have come along with remarrying. Please, don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my new life, but sometimes I am still in the other one...I think you know what I am speaking of? I have not met another widow/wife other than myself...and I like the way you put that...it is very fitting.

Anyway, I am up way past my bedtime...life has been very hectic with work and the upcoming new job/move. I will write more soon.

Hugs and love to all...I miss you gals!!!

Angel

[missinmyhubby]

P.S. here is a link to my myspace page where you can see slide shows and pic of DH, the kids, my new life, and my airplanes http://www.myspace.com/wayoutofcg

Night for real now!

[sidvis]

Okay, I never, ever, ever thought I would feel the way I have been feeling this week. Me, sidvis, the nay sayer has reconnected with a college beau. I initiated it, because I had a very strong urge to see how he was and what had happened to him. He was the "go to " guy when I was on the outs with my future husband. Well, I researched the internet and came up with an address, wrote him a letter, he called me the day he read it, and we are both really pleased we are in contact again. He is 5 years divorced. Perfect. He even went so far to tell me he had thought of me during the 20 plus years we haven't been in contact. I am so happy! I am singing out loud and I am dancing in my living room. I don't feel guilty at all because I think there is some force bigger than me working at this. I am going to ride it out for all its worth. I just wanted to share that you never know what is in your future. One day at a time is working great for me. Peace to all.

[misshimstill]

Sidvis, Way to go! You're right that you never know what the future holds, for bad and for GOOD. Of course,I personally DO believe that there is a "force" out there who is working in this. Anyway, I'm very happy for you. I haven't written to you personally before, but I've read your writings.

Angel, I'm working on my story. I've written so much already - in pieces - I don't want to repeat myself too much. (I'm sure I will some...) May take a while, but it's in the works. ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Anna, I'm very frustrated. I've tried to find your links and it tells me it can find no results or asks me if I'm looking for http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hutch-UsiJ5c and then tells me it cannot find any results again. Same with the other link. Any ideas? Very frustrated. Evidently, Angel was able to see it. ~Oneta

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- I don't see any videos at the YouTube page with that title?? maybe it is just mommybrain though. I will go look again!

Angel- your page says it's private and you need to add me (I don't have a myspace page though!)

Sidvis- that is awesome about your old boyfriend! so cool!

Oneta- I think you are definitly in the right place..we DO understand.

My big news is I've decided to go back to college in August (online to start) I am soooo nervous! I will be 33 and it's been years since I quit college (though I have done other various schooling so I'm no stranger to studying) I am interested in nursing/law but can't decide which so I will just be doing general prereqs to begin. (writing 101,bio,etc)

[armaiti]

April and Oneta - you need to copy the links into your browser, then the videos will come up. I have it set in a way that only people who paste the links into their browser can get to the videos, since I didn't feel it appropriate to make Dan's song available to the whole world, though he has given me permission to use it on our CD. So it you highlight the link on this page, then copy it, then paste it into your browser, it should work. You'll have to do it twice, once for viewing each video.

Angel, I get the private message too when I go to your Myspace page.

Sidvis, I am glad you are feeling so up and happy. That is a rare gift, and you should definately go for it!

I've got a bunch of stuff to do today, getting ready for my friend coming tomorrow and then she and I are off on the Powwow Highway, which will be fun. Hope you all have a good, peaceful day,

Peace,

Anna

[misshimstill]

My Story: Lamar and I met in college September 1969. We were immediately attracted to each other and fell in love and eloped in April 1970 (long story short). From the day I married him, I was afraid he was going to die and I guess I felt pretty helpless about it. I had a dream about 1-1/2 years before he died that he would die, I would be pregnant, the baby would be a girl and I would marry my present husband. Pretty freaky, but I never told anyone about it. I can’t even remember now if that dream happened before or after he was discovered to have a heart murmur, which happened at a routine exam for reentrance to college. Anyway, about a year after the murmur was discovered, he finished school and we moved to Oklahoma City, where we lived until his death. They wanted him to have x-rays every six months to watch for signs of cardiac enlargement, which he did, at first with no signs of enlargement. In September 1972 his mother died. They were very close and he grieved for her deeply. I’ve always wondered if this had anything to do with his heart beginning to enlarge – the stress. The day after Thanksgiving he went back for another x-ray, this time finding some enlargement. He was scheduled immediately for a heart catheterization, and they found an aneurysm of the aortic valve. The doctor told him - without me present - that he had two options for surgery, either wait until after New Years and have him as the surgeon or have it immediately with a different surgeon. The cost, he told him, would be in the range of 50,000 and he would be out of work for at least 6 months, which was devastating news to us. (He did tell me that much…) We didn’t know how in the world we would live if he didn’t work, and we didn’t know where we would ever get that kind of money for the surgery. At this time I was about 6 weeks pregnant. He didn’t tell me about the two choices for the surgery, only that he needed it and that it would be done in early 1973. He was also told to rest (i.e. not work, which he did- that very day and the next two days) and was given a prescription for his high blood pressure (which he also did not tell me about and did not fill the prescription). I found all of this out by reading his medical records, which I ordered about two years ago, and from good friends who he had told when they just happened to stop by to see him before I got there to take him home. I suppose they thought I always knew about these things. So he worked for three days and didn’t take his blood pressure medication and put his surgery off for two to three weeks. Why? To save me the burden of a lifetime of financial debt if he died anyway, which he felt was what was going to happen. I might add that during this time I didn’t think about the dream. Also, in one conversation we had, I asked him how on earth we were ever going to be able to survive (which I wished I hadn’t bothered him with), and he said that I would be better off if he just died. I didn’t respond too well to that, as you might imagine, and then he said, very dejectedly, “You could marry Jack Hammans”, who we knew, since he was the pastor of my parent’s church. His saying that has haunted me for 34 years. It still bothers me. Anyway, that next Saturday morning, December 23, I was so nauseated I couldn’t keep anything down night or day, so I went to the doctor. As I was walking out the door he said, “Honey, in case I die before you get home, I love you.” What a thing to say as I was leaving! I didn’t know whether to stay or go, but I needed to get something for my nausea, so I went, not knowing if he would be dead or alive when I got home. He was having terrible chest pains when I got home and continued to have them all day long. I tried, quite unsuccessfully, to reach the doctor, and all the time Lamar knew that the doctor was unreachable because he was on vacation. But he didn’t say a word about that to me. I placed three calls to the doctor and waited for him to return the calls. We waited and waited… in the end for him to die. At 3 p.m., just as a rerun of Bonanza was coming on, he stood up, said he was going back to lie down because his chest was hurting so bad, and started walking back to the bedroom. I got up to go back with him… to help make him comfortable or whatever I could do for him, but he never made it. Just outside the bedroom door, he collapsed and fell to his knees and then to his face. Like an idiot I tried to pull him to his feet, a total impossibility because of his size. He was a big guy – not fat, but built like a football player. I gave up on getting him to his feet and ran for the phone. This was before 911, so I tried calling neighbors. I couldn’t reach anyone, so I widened my circle and tried calling friends who lived further away. I still couldn’t get anyone - not surprising since it was two days before Christmas and a Saturday afternoon. Finally, I thought of someone else to call. They heard the phone ringing just as they were about to walk out the door to go to relatives for Christmas. They considered just letting it ring, but thank God, they answered it. They came right over. They had the good sense, which I hadn’t had, to call an ambulance, which arrived right away. At the hospital, after signing papers for his admission, I thought they would take me back where he was, but they took me to a little room to wait. The friends, whom I had finally been able to reach, waited with me since I had no one else. After maybe 20 minutes, a young doctor came into the room and said very simply, “I’m sorry”, leaving me to fill in the blanks. Finally I asked him, “Are you telling me he’s dead?”, not really expecting that as an answer, but he nodded his head and said yes. I don’t know if I sank into a chair or if I collapsed, but I remember sitting in one. I really don’t remember very much after that, actually. They wanted to give me a shot, but I was afraid it could hurt the baby I still wasn’t sure I was having, but they won out and gave me the shot. After that, my friends took me back to their house, and I waited there for my parents to come 100 miles to get me. I have no memory of the rest of that evening. Other friends who I was finally able to reach (I don’t remember that either) came all the way to my parents’ house from Oklahoma City that night, and he and my father made funeral arrangements. They said that when they got there, I was lying on the couch curled up in a fetal position and never said a word except to tell my dad and friend what songs Lamar would have wanted sung at his funeral, “The Old Rugged Cross” and “Amazing Grace” which were his favorite songs. The next few days were a blur. I only remember sitting at the funeral home for hours on end with his body because I knew I would soon have to say goodbye to that last part of him soon and I wanted to be with him as long as I could, even though I knew “he” wasn’t there anymore. I stayed with my parents for a week and then got my own place. Having lived on my own for 2-1/2 years, I couldn’t see living with them again. And I felt I had to make future plans for me and my baby, which (the pregnancy) I had had confirmed the day after the funeral. I made plans to go back to school, but had to drop out after two weeks because I was having deep pains in my belly, and my doctor told me it was either school or the baby, but not both. To try to shorten this story, Jack and I had mutual friends in the church, who thought we would make a cute couple, I guess. They started playing cupid, and we were married a very short 3-1/2 months after I had buried my husband. I know now that was way too fast, but my life was already out of control, so what did one more thing matter? My parents, especially my dad, were urging us to go ahead and get married rather than wait so we would have some time together to adjust before the baby came. There was some wisdom to that, I guess, but now I believe (and Jack does, too, in view of my recent grief) that it was way too soon. I think, also, that I was afraid to grieve. The feeling of loneliness was great, and I would have periods of crying and grieving that, honestly, frightened me. Getting married again seemed to be a gift straight from Heaven, so we did it. Everything went great for 30 years, so maybe in some ways it was the best thing. But when my mother died four years ago and I was spending a lot of time back in Oklahoma, the sweetest memories began to come back to me, things I hadn’t thought of in so very many years. After she died and I was going through her things, I found things of his, things he had given me like cards, some pictures I had forgotten about, sympathy cards people had sent me that I had forgotten about, and it just set something in motion that I had no idea where it would take me, but it felt good at the time. It felt good to think of him again. It felt good to remember him again. I had one memory one night as I was driving from the town where my mother was in the nursing home back to her house. I was driving on the highway that went past Lamar’s parents’ house, and I suddenly had this memory of one night when we had been there together, listening to music after his parents had gone to bed, “making out” on the couch in their living room, and then getting into the cold car for him to take me home, snuggling up against him for warmth in the cold car. He had just told me that night for the very first time that he loved me. I was feeling something I had never felt before, so loved, so safe, so wonderful! This night as I drove to my mother’s house, I was back there, in the moment. He was with me in the car and I felt just exactly as I had that night in January 1970 when I was 18 years old. I cry as I write this at the memory. I’ve never had an experience like that in my life and never have since then. That night as I lay in bed, it was like he was there, too (not necessarily in bed with me, but “there” with me). As wonderful as the feeling was, it was the beginning of the darkest time of my life, darker even than when he died because it was impossible to once again repress the grief I had so successfully repressed all those years before. I plunged into the darkest pit I ever thought possible, and I never thought I would ever see light again. I prayed to die many, many nights. I was miserable, but more than that, I wanted to see him again, wanted to be with him again. I was willing to leave my family, my husband of over 30 years, who had loved me and my baby from the day she was born and treated as his in every way. My only desire was to be with Lamar again. I wanted this so badly that I began to starve myself, not knowing how horrible that would be. I won’t go into it all, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s been a very slow recovery, but I do believe I am beginning to recover. Last September 8, as I was working out in my yard, pulling weeds (yuk!), I had the thought, “It’s good to (sort of) ‘feel’ again!” I wasn’t even thinking about Lamar specifically, but out of the blue it was like he said to me, “It’s good to SEE you feeling good again! I’ve been watching you, you know… that ‘great cloud of witnesses’ (mentioned in the Bible), you know.” I came inside the house and looked at his picture – real hard – to see if that’s what was really happening. Then it was like he said to me again, “It’s been so sad to see you so sad for so long. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” I looked really hard at his picture – at his eyes – and said, “That’s easy for YOU to say! You haven’t been here where I’ve been!” And he said back, “I know – but I’ve seen you and I’ve prayed for you, and I WANT you to be happy!” This may sound real crazy to you guys, that I get these impressions (because that’s really all they are is impressions), but I’ve gotten them all through this time. I wouldn’t call them, as Anna might, “visitations”, but I would call them impressions in my spirit, maybe from God, only in Lamar’s “voice”. I don’t really believe in communicating with the dead, but I do believe that they see us and pray for us. If you guys don’t believe that, it’s fine. It won’t hurt my feelings if you say so, but that’s my belief. Last winter was still hard, but not as hard as the previous two winters had been. Christmas is always hard – actually from September, when I met him, until Christmas when he died, and then on into the spring, but this spring was the easiest yet – to try to encourage some of you whose grief is still fresh. But last April 24 was our anniversary, would have been the 37th, and I was missing him, so I looked up the website again. I had visited before but had never posted. My daughter told me about it because I guess she thought I might be interested in it. She has been the greatest daughter anyone could ever have. (More crying...) She doesn’t have questions about her dad like I would like for her to have, but she’s got a dad who has been her dad since she was born. That’s who she relates to as “dad”. It makes me sad and always has, even though I really haven’t been much in touch with it over the years, that she has no interest, to speak of, of Lamar, but I would never want to take her away from Jack, who is her dad in every way but biologically. She loves Jack with her whole heart. I just wish she could have some interest in Lamar, if for no other reason than that I love him so. (Crying again…) Anyway, that’s my story and that’s how I found all of you. I hope I haven’t taken too long to tell this story. I don’t even know if the board will take this whole thing. Believe me, I‘ve actually tried to give you guys the “shortened version”. I guess that’s all. I hope you get some good out of reading it, but it’s okay if you don’t. It felt good just to write it and share it with all of you, since I really don’t have that outlet with anyone else. Most people I know don’t even know I was ever married before, much less care about it. That is why I had said earlier that it was so hard to seek out counseling. I was afraid anyone I talked to, who know both Jack and me as a couple, would have no interest in or sympathy for what I was feeling. Well, that’s it. I’ll shut up for now. Blessings to all of you. ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Oneta - Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes so much sense,what you have been going through, because (it seems to me) you didn't get a chance to experience your grief fully when Lamar died. You found a way to survive, to have your baby in a healthy way, and you found someone who cared for you, which is a blessing.

And however you see the messages you received from Lamar - whether they came from him or God, they are beautiful and validating. In the Sufi tradition, we say "La illaha il'allah", which Ishaq always translated as "If it ain't God it don't exist". We believe that we are all part of the One, the Divine Spirit, Great Spirit, Creator, God, the name isn't so important as the feeling...so what I believe isn't important - it's what you believe, that your faith gives you comfort. I think a lot of us on this board have differing spiritual beliefs, but I am so grateful that we all honor and listen to one another, without judgement. What a great world it would be if everyone could do that!

Peace,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Thanks, Anna. I feel very much as you do, that we can share our beliefs here without judgement and are accepted... whatever. It's our grief that brings us together.

I did try pasting the address into my browser, and that was the message I got. I just wanted to tell you I was having the trouble to see if you know what I was doing wrong when it tells me it can't find it.

Have a good trip and a good weekend. ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Also, April, Good decision... good decision... (a quote from a movie with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant - can't remember the movie). Law... medicine... big difference. General classes should help you decide. Me, I'd go for the medicine, but that's just me (smile). ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Oneta - I've emailed you the links directly, so you should be able to click on them and go to the videos. I sent out a mass emailing to all our friends yesterday and that's been working for everyone, so let me know if you are still having problems. And anyone else who needs me to email you directly, I'd be happy to do that.

Peace,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Anna, Thanks. I really do want to look at the videos.

Just as a point of curiosity, would you personally consider what happened in the car that night (when my mother was dying) when I "felt" Lamar and what had happened that night so long ago to be a "visitation"? Just curioius...

~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Anna, It worked! I HAVE to work now before Rachel gets home from school (half day today), but will look at them later this afternoon. ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Oneta, about your question about what happened in the car...I really don't know. It's really most important how you feel about it, and what you believe it to be.

April, congratulations on going back to school! I think that's great. How is your "farm" coming? I'll have peas soon, but my eighteen year old cat keeps thinking that right by them is the perfect place to poop, it's driving me nuts!

Peace,

Anna

[missinmyhubby]

As for the myspace link, it should work now...sorry, I had it set to private so the crazy ex inlaws could never few it. I will leave it like this for a day or so, and then I must set it to private again.

I have read all the posts for yesterday and today...I can not reply right now, I have to shower and get to work, but....

Oneta...god bless you...I will write more later.

Sidvis...I hope you find happiness.

April...YOU ROCK GIRL!!!

Anna...be safe on your trip and I hope you have fun!!

[misshimstill]

Angel,

Have just a minute before I have to take Rachel to dance. I got on your webspace and saw your pictures and enjoyed seeing them. It's always nice to have a face to connect to a name, for me, anyway.

I most certainly DO understand the feeling of - well, your post that I' referring to is not on this page, so I have to do it from memory - being in the other life, too... I believe is close to how you put it. For these last four years that is the comment that I've made the most often... that I feel like I'm trapped in 1973 and can't get out. The few people who have known about this, I'm sure, don't have the foggiest notion what I mean, but that's the only way I can describe it. I have felt during this time to be more Lamar's widow than Jack's wife, even after being married happily for over 30 years and not feeling that way. It's kind of a weird in-between place that I've been in emotionally. None of this is to say ANYTHING against Jack. He's been the most understanding and supportive husband a woman could have. That has nothing to do with any of this. I keep trying to explain it to him that it has to do with my life before he came into it and not the last 30 years because I feel the need to try to explain it to him. It's all, I'm sure, because I never got to complete the grieving process. Actually, I would say that I never really even got started in it before I stopped it or it just stopped. I'm not sure which. That's why I'm such a big one now on people taking all the time they need to in order to complete the process. It may take years, but that's okay. We don't usually know ourselves well enough to KNOW when we're all the way through it, but at least if we know we need to try to do that, maybe that's a head start. Well, I'm just rambling. Gotta take her to dance now. Later, Oneta

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- my farm is ok! lol.it got hot here so everything is wilting! (but seemingly ok, the kiwis are coming back I think!) chicks & the rooster are doing well though and I want to hatch some ducklings soon too.. I had blueberries, strawberries and grapes but the rooster got into them! (we still have lots of plants the fruits are just all eaten! oops!) I need to get some nets ASAP! btw have fun on your trip!

Oneta- wow you has sooo much to get out didn't you!?! I'm so glad you shared your story here. I too KNEW my DH would die from the time I met him. I don't know why. I always brushed it off. and when it happened I was not so shocked (I was in shock but knew it would happen)

sooo I got my finacial aid stuff filled out today and working on my application & getting my transcripts. I am still really nervous about going back to school though. change and all I suppose..I need something to do with myself though!

[lindat]

Angel, I tried the link just now and I saw your page but couldn't view the photos.

Anna, It is very special that you have that video, thank you for sharing.

SIDVIS - I am so happy and excited for you!!! I won't see my new guy until August, but life is so different now. He is supportive and caring, and I am so glad to get up in the morning to a new day

Oneta, Thanks so much for sharing your story! Each of our stories are so different, but we share so much.

[missinmyhubby]

Oneta...I read what you posted, and all I can say is WOW!!! I am sitting here with so many thoughts to tell you, but it's all going through my head so fast I just don't know where to start... Reading your post makes me feel like I am reading my thoughts, for the most part. I am soooo busy right now, but I am going to try and write a little each day to tell my story in short version, as you did. Like everyone else, our stories are different, yet similar. I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain, and after so long.

My DH passed away on August 24, 2003 from a massive heart attack in his sleep. I was on the road, as I am a pilot, and my kids were in Nevada visiting my sister and other family members. He had gone up to his brother's house in the upper part of Michigan, as it had been five years since they had seen one another. There were some problems we were dealing with, more on that later, that gave him the perfect opportunity to go there and stay for awhile. Anyway, I had just returned home and was waiting for another trip when my step son, Mark Jr., called me at 4pm. All I heard was him crying and saying "he's gone mom, he's gone." I knew what he meant... All I could do is just stand there and stare outward to nothing. I finally mustered up the courage to ask what happened. Due to the issues we were dealing with personally, before he left to go up there, I honestly expected to hear he had taken his own life. I was in such a state of shock and actually a little relieved, if that makes since at all to anyone, to hear it was from a heart attack and not suicide. But, none-the-less, it didn't take away the intense pain that invaded my entire being. From that moment on my life was turned upside down, in every way possible. My bestfriend was gone, which meant the rest of my life had no meaning. I know most of you relate to that, even though I have children, at that time...nothing meant a thing. I hung up the phone and sat and waited in silence and complete shock for more calls to come. I had things to take care of, but I couldn't compute. I sat rocking back and forth with tears rolling down my face, and everyone kept asking me what was wrong. I have never felt so disconnected in my entire life. All I could say is he's gone. I have never heard people say such stupid things in my life...I know that sounds mean, but it's what I thought. "Is there anything we can do to help?" I abhor those words to this day. "Can you bring him back? What do I do now? What about my babies? Oh my God, he's gone." The calls came in, and I went through the motions to take care of business. I drove from Ysilanti Michigan to Iron Mountain Michigan all night long. I had to call my mom and my sister and tell them. I drove more than 8 hours in the backwoods and don't remember even getting there. I had to be there by 6am to claim his body at the funeral home. I had to make all the arrangements over the phone for his body to be driven down to Racine Wisconsin to be buried next to his parents. I had to listen to my family tell me everything will be OK. I had to listen to his brother say that he wanted him buried up there, and his other family members say they wanted him buried in Wisconsin. I had to listen to his brother be the nicest person on the planet until I said he was going to Racine, then I was the worst human being on the planet to him, and he let me know it (what a horrible man). I got into Iron Mountain around 4am and sat in a parking lot of a McDonald's for two hours until the gentleman from the funeral parlor opened the doors for me. In those few hours it took me to drive up there, I had people arguing with how he was going to be transported, were they going to embalm him there before the transport, who was transporting him, and on and on...all I could say was I don't know!!!!!! I just needed to get there first, please. When I arrived they had already embalmed him, they had to. We had no money to pay for the transport through the funeral parlor, so we transported him ourselves, after the necessary legal paperwork was completed. One of his sisters and her husband, his first ex-wife, my step son Mark Jr. (her son), his brother whom lived there and his wife, and some people I didn't even know, had all driven up there the night before. I didn't even know these people were all showing up there!!! They had made arrangements behind my back. I know some of them were doing it to help, others to just be vendictive. I walked in the parlor and was told I needed to sign some papers first...oh my Lord, can't I see him first!!! I didn't even know what I was signing due to my current condition. He then led me to my husband, explaining to me on the way, what had transpired with the rest of the family in the last 14 hours. He had to have everyone removed by the local sheriff, they were causing such a scene. He advised me that I didn't have long since my "sister-in-law" was due back at 8am to transport him. I was like what??? who??? huh??? That was that, they had taken actions into their own hands. How could that be legal, I am his wife??? But, I didn't have it in me to argue any of this, I just wanted to see my husband!!!!!!!!!! When I walked in, he was laying on a gurney with a hospital gown on. He looked asleep, not dead. I just sat there staring at him. They had his hands tied together with a man's neck tie, to keep them from falling down the sides of the table. It made his hands so purple. He still had spaghetti sauce on his face from his dinner the night before. Apparently he vomitted it back up and nobody washed it off well enough. He was clean shaven, but in need of a hair cut...I always cut his hair for him and had not seen him for two weeks due to my being on the road and then him up there for a week. He hated long hair...and they wouldn't let me cut it.

I have to go ladies...I will finish later..I can't continue right now......

[naz496]

missinmyhubby

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. All you want to do is be with him, and knowbody cared enough to realise that. Bloody families.

Ill wait for the rest of post later. This must have been very hard for u to write. Stay strong

naz

[fourleafclover]

Hello all.

Oneta: I read the story of you and Lamar and found it heartbreaking. Isn't it wierd how life seems to carry on, and then something happens to pull you right down, even after 30 years as in your case? I know what you're saying about having a wonderful, wonderful husband...but it just doesn't change the fact that somebody else stole your heart long before. I am so, so sorry that you have to deal with it all now. As far as your daughter is concerned, I think it's more a question of she can't miss what she never knew. Yes, it hurts you but at the same time, she really doesn't know better.

Well, remember I told you about the promise I made to my daughter? We are having the best of days (together with my husband and son). So many things are happening and for the first time in my life and am SO excited about all the things we are doing together. I have completely renovated my daughter's bedroom and she is loving it. (I think the fact that we're doing it together is what she loves the most). I am spending more time with them now and we go places together as well. You know, I have forgotten what it's like to go out with my husband. I have forgotten what a wonderful sense of humor he has and how much fun it is to be with him. We have gone out twice this week, and I have had a blast! I cannot believe that I allowed myself to miss out on all these things. I still struggle a little at night...but during the day when I realise that I'm starting to think about William, I turn to my children to take my mind off him. The night before last night, I had another nightmare about William and awoke my husband. Ofcourse, I didn't tell him what the nightmare was about, and he quite happily sat up with me until I fell asleep again. I am so blessed to have these wonderful people in my life and it feels to me as though I'm seeing them and the little things they do for the very first time. You know the saying: "it always gets alot worse before it gets better". I think that that is exactly what happened in my case.

The photos on the web (I think from Angel) are stunningly beautiful. What a wonderful collection. Anna, I can't seem to get your link going.

Anyway, Oneta...please carry on with your postings. I love, love reading them.

[fourleafclover]

Missinmyhubby: How sad...would love to hear more.

[misshimstill]

Ohmygosh! I had this long tirade written, and it timed out on me. I'm gonna learn. Write all my stuff as a Word document and then cut and paste. Now I've gotta rewrite it, but now I've gotta go get some work done. Doggoneit! ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Fourleaf, I came in to look something up on Google, since I don't have internet on my work computer. I couldn't resist the urge to get on Indigo. I saw something that you might want to read. Others of you also, maybe. But I especially thought of you since yours has been going on for so long. On the home page there is an article on grief from years back. It's called "It's Been Years Now". It addresses the issue of grief that has gone on or that has come back. You might want to look at it. It is dealing with holidays in particular, but the advice given would certainly apply to, really, anybody, I think. The advice to "take time for yourself each day" I think is great wisdom. I think all of us need to do that, even, the article says, if only for five minutes. I do this each day, and I think it's part of why I've started to do better finally. One of my counselors, who normally has good advice (not the one who told me "it takes as long as it takes", but another one) told me at the end of one session that had been going very well up until this point, "Whatever you're doing that triggers the longing, and you know what those things are, stop doing them." I think this was very bad advice. At the time I didn't know what to think of it, but I thought, "Maybe she's right", so I stopped doing them. But I now think it was one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever been given. I listen to songs that say what I feel or write in my diary or I write letters to Lamar. I think everyone needs to do whatever works best for them, BUT DO SOMETHING. Anyway, just thought I'd pass on that I think this is a good article. We are so blessed to have such good resources available to us through this website. I glance through the articles every day.

To everyone who offered such kind words after reading my story, thank you. As I know all of you know, it makes me feel so much better just to write about him and have others read about him, to know that he existed, to know what he meant in my life. I know all of you feel the same about your love. I treasure your empathy and understanding. (There, this one shouldn't time out...) ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Fourleafclover - I've updated the search on youtube a bit, if you put in the names "ishaq and anna" (without the quotes) the two videos that come up are ours.

I'm glad you are finding joy in your life again!

Angel - your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you had to go through all that, so much extra on top of losing your beloved.

Peace and Blessings to all of you today,

Anna