I Miss Him So...

[misshimstill]

Angel, I, too, look forward to the rest of your story. You have had your grief made much more complicated by all the wrangling and strife caused by your family (or family-in-law). My heart goes out to you. The shock that we go through at the time of death, expected or unexpected, is greater than anyone can imagine if they have never experienced it. It is made much worse when we have issues like you have with the family. Please tell us the rest of the story. "We're listening..." (a quote from Frasier, old TV series), only we really are... ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Anna, I didn't know you would be on today. I listened and watched your videos and even showed them to my husband. Ishaq seems to have been a very sweet, sensitive man. That's the feeling I get watching him on the video. I know you miss him terribly. Be safe traveling today. ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Thanks Oneta, I think in the videos it's true, you can see that special light that always beamed from him. He was the kindest, gentlest man I ever knew, and funny too. He had a way of calming people down in tense situations just by being so centered. I think that's why he was so good at his job as Disaster Director for the local Red Cross.

I'm actually not traveling till tomorrow...my friend is visiting her daughter in Ben, Oregon and coming today. We're going to watch a new John Trudell movie tonight, (he's a Native American poet and advocate for Native rights) and then head to the powwow tomorrow.

Yesterday one of Ishaq's students told me about an old video of one of our Sufi teachers, taped in 1987 or so, and that it had clips of Ishaq. I downloaded it and it was amazing to see him, nine years before we were to meet, when I was completely unaware he existed in this world. He looked so young, with short hair, a beard, glasses, singing in the center with his friend Be, another wonderful musician...it was before he almost lost his foot to a diabetic ulcer and almost died in the hospital, before so many things...I do miss him terribly, every day, but each day I realized brings me one day closer to when he and I will walk together again. I know some folks might find this wierd or morbid, but I think you all understand what I mean. It's not like I'm trying to rush it or anything, but it's a comfort.

And April - you already had blueberries starting?!! You must have a much earlier season. I've just got little tiny buds on the raspberries but it's still rainy here and they don't kick in much until end of May or June, which is good, or they'd all rot. I do have some lovely sky blue irises blooming outside the window right now, and this weekend a flock of goldfinchs came up to the bird feeder, a real treat as they don't come into the neighborhood much.

Peace and Blessings to all,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Anna, I can definitely see what you mean about Ishaq. I can really see the gentleness about him in the video. I have always decribed Lamar in exactly the way you described Ishaq, as kind, gentle and funny. We do miss them so, and I (and I'm sure the others who will read this) understand the feeling of each day bringing us closer to seeing them again. That's one thing that gets me through the day each day. And it's not that I don't love my family that I have with me. It's just that when we're separated from part of those we love, we want to be with them. It isn't that we love any one more than another. Why else do people have family reunions. My son lives in CA, my daughters live in Austin. I see my daughters or talk to them every day, my son not so often. I want to see him, but that doesn't mean I don't cherish the time with my daughters. It's no different with those who have left this life; we miss them in the same way.

I really envy you all and your blueberries and raspberries. We had friends who lived in Portland for a few years. They grew up in Oregon, but moved to Northern CA a few years ago. About ten years ago, Jack and I flew out to visit with them. One evening one of the men in their church who owned a huge blueberry field treated all the people in their church to a giant blueberry dessert supper as the first fruits of his harvest. It was wonderful! I'd never before nor since tasted such wonderful fruit. A few years ago we also went to Idaho for a workshop and we bought fruit from the fruit stands on the side of the road. Same thing - wonderful fruit. The Oregon blueberries we get shipped down here to Texas just don't taste the same, I guess because they're not fresh. You are so lucky that you get to have that as a regular thing to look forward to each spring. I even have a hard time just getting vegetables to grow in what is called the Cleachy soil of the region. It's dirt until you get down about 6 inches, and then it's this white rock. Hard to grow much of anything. We have to add topsoil and mulch if we want to have any kind of garden. I've tried growing things other years and have never succeeded becauase I didn't add the soil and mulch. I'm trying it again this year. This is the first spring in four years that I've felt like working in the yard/garden. I'll let you know how my vegetables do. I started small with just a few squash, cucumbers, radishes and tomatoes.

I loved the Oregon scenery, too. Our friends took us to the ocean one day and the mountains the next and everything in between all the other days (back a few years ago when we visited them). We bought several pictures of the Oregon countryside, and Jack has them hanging in his office. Absolutely breathtaking! We couldn't help but wonder what Lewis and Clark must have thought as they first saw Oregon. Texas has some pretty places, believe it or not, but nothing like Oregon. It has to be one of the prettiest states in the country. Well, I've gotta get back to the sweat shop. Ugh! ~Oneta

[scottslove]

Missinmyhubby, I just read your post. I am sorry not only for your loss but for what you went through. I am new to posting here though I have been reading off and on for awhile. I had to respond when I saw Racine Wisconsin, that is where I live.

I lost my best friend and soulmate 9 months 12 days ago on July 23, 2006. (Long story) Everything I looked forward to in life was all wrapped around my Scott.

I recently read a book called We Are Their Heaven. I found it of some comfort. I find that no feeling lasts very long except the pain so I look for anything that gives even the shortest moment of peace, this book did atleast that. I just thought some of you might be interested.

[misshimstill]

Scottslove, I am so sorry to read your post. I'm up at 2:30 myself because of insomnia, which a lot of here on this board seem to struggle with. I would like to know more about you if you care to write in more detail. You're right about the pain of the loss seeming to be the only feeling we have that lasts very long. The pain does decrease some as time goes by, but I think it will always be here with us to some degree or another. My husband died 34 years ago, but I feel his loss as strongly as I did years ago. You can read more about me if you want. My story is probably on the last page or so. Write as often and as much as you want if that gives you any release from your pain. We here all understand and relate to what you're feeling. I am praying for you to find some peace in the midst of your sorrow. Blessings, Oneta

[missinmyhubby]

Hello all....

For those of you who had the opportunity to view the myspace link and made comments...thank you so much. I have a lovely family and LOVE to show them off...hehe. If you have not been able to view it, let me know, and I will try to figure out why not, if you are still interested. You won't be able to click on pics and view them, as they are set to private, but all the pics are in the slide shows except easters. DH's pics are under my hero's spot with the song "I miss my friend."

When I first started coming on here late last year I had started parts of my story, but then stopped because I just found so much comfort in reading others postings. I wanted to write back and get to know everyone, and well, got side tracked I reckon. Sometimes I posted things that had to do with conversations at the moment, but just gave bits and pieces of some of what I had experienced. I know I don't need to apologize for anything on here, which is one of the great things about being able to come here, to express things and get things out to others who understand, whether they reply or just read. But, I must say, I did NOT keep it short last night as I had intended. What it did make me realize though is this: I apparently have some issues to still deal with. It is so unexplainable what took place on my end last night, but I don't feel like I need to explain, I am in a place here where I feel so understood. Writing that last night took me right back there. I started out just writing, and wound up reliving it again towards the end there. Anywho, it was a very powerful place to be and I must say it SUCKED!!!! Thank you all for the kind words...I really do appreciate each and everyone of you. Every time I come on here, I know this is a place I belong...and you are all so very special!!!!

Let's see...I left off at the first visitation. Just to clarify: My DH had been married twice before and had three kids from his first marriage and three from his second (one of whom was not his natural child..not that that matters, just details.) I had never met any of these people prior to any of this, except my step kids and his latest exwife, whom breezed into my home twice (more on that one later too). I had talked to his brother who lives in the UP of Michigan on the phone a couple of times, and my sister in law on the computer a few times in the beginning of my relationship with my husband before we married. He had moved away from Wisconsin and down to Florida with me to get away from these people (instead of me moving there), and it only took me those couple of times to understand why. Therefore, after that, we had not much to do with any of them, except the kids of course. So, I sat with my husband for the small amount of time that was alloted to me, and just couldn't grasp it all quite yet. I just had no idea of what was coming next. While I was in with DH, the rest of the CLAMPITS showed up. And, please, don't think of me as judgemental, but these people are really dispicable. I never knew the meaning of that word until my husband passed and I was privileged enough to meet the rest of the family. The funeral director apparently talked with them before coming to get me, trying to smooth out the problems that had already started. I really feel for this man. Mind you, I did not know they had shown up yet, they actually came back earlier than they were told too....which cut my time short with my husband. So, he comes to let me know that they are here and have said they didn't want any trouble, but would like to see me outside. Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..............Jamsie, his very mean brother, had calmed down some apparently and accepted that the rest of the family wanted him back in Racine, which had been DH's wishes all along...the family plot is there. Again, just to clarify, none of us expected him to die, but he had just always said that when he did go, he wanted to be next to his father and mother. (And, just for humor, he had also always said he wanted to be buried face down naked so the whole world could kiss his ass goodbye...LOL..they didn't let me do that one!!! Although, it did cross my mind, as it was HIS wish. And now, would have been the funniest thing ever to me to have granted him that, even with the lack of decorum.) Okay, I am getting side tracked again... So, it was briefly explained to me what was happening next. We were taking him in his sister's van back to Racine. That, of course, upset me further, as I wanted him with me. I know, I feel like I was being very selfish, but these people had nothing to do with this man for years unless it was in a bad way. Why now, were they trying to do this??? Honestly, I was in no shape to argue. One, I had just lost my husband. Two, I just wanted to be with him however this was going to happen. It was them against me...So, his first exwife, whom I had NEVER met, but seen once, was to drive my car (the car I had just bought him for his bday that he was so proud of...he had never owned a new car before in his life!!!), and I was too ride in the back of the van with my husband. However, because of the five hour trip we had ahead of us, they had put him in a body bag...part of the legalities of all this...due to the heat...I don't know and I really don't remember it all. It was just one more screwed up thing after another. It was part of preserving him for the trip down. I sat on the floor of that van next to my husband and just wanted to be with him. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to do anything but just be with him in my own little world. I had not slept all night and had to deal with the funeral arrangements when we arrived in Racine later that day. I had no idea of what to do and I didn't care at the moment. What mattered most was that this was going to be the last few hours that I would be able to spend with my husband before they buried him in the ground. I didn't say much at all, I just layed my head down on his chest, and put my hand on his. Yes, through the body bag...they said I couldn't unzip it, so I didn't for his sake. Not 30 minutes into this drive his sister started talking to me as her husband drove. That lady had not one nice thing to say about that man. Every single word that came out of her mouth bashed my husband to no end...for 4 1/2 more hours. I honestly thought of killing her. Instead, I laid facing away from her and cried the rest of the trip trying to block her out. She ruined what was my last few hours I had left...I cried because of the cruelty, and I cried because I knew this would have hurt him so bad, and I cried because he was gone, I cried for my kids, and I cried that I was trapped in this vehicle with this evil woman while having to lay upon his chest with a body bag in between us. I had never in my life ever imagined myself where I was, it was not even fathomable. Break time.........

Okay................We arrived in Racine, her still alive, and drove directly to the next funeral home that was awaiting our arrival. It was all business again from here. That director at this funeral home was the most bizarre man I have ever met. He had the compassion of a rock. They met us in the drive, requested I exit the vehicle, and whisked my husband away inside and told us to all stay put! Now, it just this second occured to me, that maybe the funeral director from Michigan called him ahead of time to explain EVERYTHING that had happened with the CLAMPITS, and he was protecting himself from ALL of us by doing what he did. (And no, our name is not Clampit, it is Morgan, just to clarify for those who may not know who the Clampits really are.) About half of an hour later, he came back outside and let us all in. There were now, 14 people total sitting in his parlor. You gals, I have never had to deal with these types of arrangements, but even I knew this could NOT be the norm. We sat there for the next two hours deciding on what they wanted for the arrangements. From flowers, to the coffin, to what he was going to wear, to a viewing, to the grave site that had to be picked, and on and on. 14 people you all...I listened to each and everyone of them and never said a word. My step son sat on one side of me, my step daughter on the other, and held my hands while these other 11 people decided what they wanted for my husband. I can not explain to you the lack of reality I felt. The director passed around magazines with flowers in them, and coffins, like we were at Sears or JC Penny's shopping for merchandise. Each and everyone of these people looked at these books and made their choices. I had no input. When I had left my home the night before, I had brought two pairs of clothes for him...his jean shorts and a t-shirt that he always wore (one of my flying ones) that you will see him in in the pics of my myspace, and the other a set of light tan pants and very very light, almost white, pink dress shirt that he always wore when we went out somewhere nice. He was not a suit and tie man, and never wore one except the tux he wore on the day we married. He hated suits. I found no harm in laying him in the ground in an outfit that he felt comfortable in. At the point where they were discussing what he was to be buried in, my step son spoke up and said we had his clothes out in my car. One of his other daughters, whom had NOTHING to do with him in all the years I had known him, threw the biggest fit because we were not putting him in a suit. She actually got up and left the premises. At this point, we were led downstairs to pick out a coffin. As I stood in this dungeon, it all started to sink in again. HE WAS GONE!!!! Everyone else just walked around looking at these like they were shopping. I could not move past the entrance way. The first coffin the others picked out was a baby blue one with a baby blue lining. My son looked at me and it was all I could do to breath....yes, I stood there with tears streaming down my face rooted to the carpeting in the cold hell. They were not seriously going to put my husband in that thing. My son spoke up and said "NO..find another." The only thought I can recall after this was that I wanted to jump in with him, close the lid and never return. I don't know what happened next, I lost it. The next thing I can recall was my son sitting on the floor holding me and telling me "Mom, you have to pick one. Katie and I are right here to help you, but you have to pick one Mom." We were the only ones left in the room at this point, everyone eles was gone. Apparently, from what I was told later, they had all been ushered back upstairs. I asked him to find a dark purple one, as that was my husbands favorite color. The director told him it would take two weeks to order it. That was not going to work. I was not going to allow him to lay on a slab for two weeks. We finally settled on a dark smokey grey one with silver lining, silver trim, and silver handles...it looked a lot like his PT Cruiser I had just bought him, he would like that too. We then proceeded upstairs and back to the couches with the rest of the group. They had all decided on the flowers while the three of us were down stairs. Mark Jr., again, asked me "Mom, do you have anything you want to add?" I had asked them all to please do this one thing. I didn't care what they had picked, this was no longer for my husband, it was all about them. I asked them to please, no matter what they chose, to please not put any flowers IN the casket with him. The only flower I wanted was a single long stemmed red rose laid upon his chest and the stem enclosed in his hands.

I will explain the meaning of the red rose, and then stop for tonight. When we were married, during the ceremony, the preacher had talked of love, marriage, the commitment we were making, and also on how to keep our marriage a life long happy journey together as one. One of the things he had spoken of during this talk was how in a relationship that people often find it hard to say they are sorry when they had wronged the other. He spoke of pride and the importance of being able to swallow it. He handed us each a single long stemmed red rose and proceeded to tell us that should we ever find ourselves in a position where we felt we were unable to actually "say" we were sorry to the other, to offer a red rose to the other and know that that was the meaning behind the gift of a red rose. I can not tell you ladies how many single red roses I received in my time with this man, I lost count. This single red rose was how we began, and I felt it only right to send him out with one...I had sooooo many things to be sorry for, and only that one way to left to say it.

[aprilmoonflower]

I think it's great some of you writing out your stories! is it helping? I should do this too. if I only had the energy to get into it all again! (not so much these days!) funny how this whole grief thing ebbs and flows..soemtimes I want to face it and deal with it and move on, and other times I just want to ignore it.

Angel- i did finally get to see your page! it was good to finally see a pic and put a name with a face!

Anna- yes we have blueberries and have for about a month! (the remaining ones are just turning blue) I have more transplants to plant today! (squash, spanish onions, herbs, lots MORE toms) I have went waaaay overboard with tomatoes this year. I probably have at least 20 plants and 7 varieties (probably more) not counting a bunch of cherry toms I Started from seeds too! not sure what I was thinking for a family of 3? hehe. but the chickens love them in any case and I will be canning my butt off in a couple of months! I will have to unload the rest on friends! I need to get some cilantro and jalapenos going soon and greens/lettuce then I'm done w/ planting.

so it's been 87 weeks for me since DH died. 818 days to be exact. I had this weird urge to calculate it.. it seems like alot of time but yet a drop in the bucket at the same time. 87 weeks!?! when I first saw that I was all panicked. now I am feeling a little better. I have DONE this and gotten this far all on my own and lived this hell for that long. surely the next 87 weeks won't/can't be as bad as the previous, right!?! I am feeling a subtle shift for me. I can't explain it but have been feeling it for a couple of months. Maybe it is just coming out of long term shock? (that's the only way I can describe it) I take it as a good sign!

Dorothy-just wanted to say I am thinking of you today. I hope you are healing (((hugs)))

[missyouhoney811]

April, I am slowly healing. I just can't get over what I have been doing with just one hand. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Thanks for thinking of me. I read the postings a few times a day but I do not always have the energy to type with one hand.

I am off my happy pills. My headaches are gone and my dreams are back which makes me very happy. I enjoy dreaming of John especially when he is walking and being the funny guy he could be. I love that man sooooooo.

My neighbor's invited me on a trip to Vegas leaving on 5/20 for 2 weeks. They have a beautiful, huge home on wheels. I have to make up my mind by sunday. Yesterday, I was positive and told myself to go. Today, I don't know? I am sure it would be enjoyable but I just don't know. I had the wonderful flood tears about an hour ago. I hate it. No control. I thought that part was over. I guess not.

Give me your input - should I go on my first road trip? Peace to all.......

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[sidvis]

Dorothy, I too had the tears this morning. But I don't mind them, I just really go with them. Then I feel better. I love my husband with all my heart. I guess the tears just are a reminder of my affection for him.

My dear friend from my past is continuing to be such a God-send. It is so wonderful to be able to talk to a living being that gets me.

Peace to all

[justkaren2]

Hi everyone. My name is Karen, and my boyfriend, my Richard, the love of my life passed away from a massive heart attack on May 3, just two days ago. I have been receiving so much comfort from your posts. Found this site yesterday, and I've been reading and reading. When i woke up this morning, I heard the door open quietly. He was an early riser, and always came in to check when I woke up to see if I wanted coffee. I heard his voice so clearly. I had forgotten that he was dead. And I sat up to say "Good morning, baby" But he wasn't there, and that's when I remembered. He's dead. Oh my god, he's dead. It seemed so real that he was there. The wierd thing is that the room to my door was open, and my balcony door was locked. It always drove him crazy that I left that door unlocked, and he would always lock it when he left. And it was locked! Do you beleive that our loved ones visit us after they are gone and leave us signs that they were here? I want that to be true so much. I cannot bear to face life without him. I love him so much and I didn't get to say goodbye. He was 48 years old! No signs of heart trouble. I want to wake up from this nightmare. How did you all do it? How did you survive this? Please tell me what helped you, because I'm a mess and my daughter needs me. I'm not able to function to help her. Oh, Richard. Please let me wake up and find that this is a horrible nightmare. I want to look into your beautiful golden brown eyes again, and hold you, and kiss your lips. I kissed you after you died, many times. Did you feel it? Were you still there? You looked so peaceful and I did not feel your presence. That was why I was able to leave you. You were not in that body that was so cold. You still looked so handsome, baby. I love that face and I cannot believe that I will never see it again. Bye, baby. I will always love you, and I hope I can be with you again soon in your heaven. Karen

[justkaren2]

Dorothy:

I'm sorry, I'm new to this post and don't know your story, but I wanted to respond to your question about a road trip. I'm the last person to be able to answer, since I haven't even left my bedroom or showered since I saw Richard's dead body. However, I can say this. Our loved ones that left us behind want us to move on and be happy. So, if going on a roadtrip will give you just a little bit of happiness, you should go. I think that facing the "firsts" will be the hardest thing, but it's a necessary part of this healing process. So, if you feel you are ready, then go Dorothy.

[scottslove]

Justkaren2 I wanted to respond to your question, I lost my Scott my soulmate and best friend 9 months 14 days ago. I do believe they communicate still. I have had too many signs to ignore. The only way you get through is with God and taking 1 minute at a time. That is all you can do. You are still here you can make it one more minute. And each minute that goes by brings you a minute closer to being with him one day when your job here is finished. I'm sorry for your loss. I was new to posting here yesterday. I wish no one would ever have to join this site and feel the pain we are all going through.

[missyouhoney811]

Scotslove and Justkaren2 - So sorry for the loss of your soulmates. I do know what you are going through. I to believe the only way you get through the grieving is taking one minute, one hour or one day. Whatever works for you is the right thing to do. I have found that God has helped me along this road. I have become a stronger person just dealing with my new found way of living. I also believe our loved ones send us signs that can only come from them. (read my past postings)

My son thinks I should go away with my neighbors. I will have to make up my mind within the next 24 hours.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

i'm supposed to be cleaning and getting ready for a party tomite, a play readin g tomorrow, my son and i leaving on seperate vacations next week....

and here i am, reading pages about all of you. I think this is a great use of my time.

angel..your story left me in tears..and it's not finished yet. i know why you have to write in little oparts, how painful it must be to dredge all of that up again..i am so sorry.

anna....loved your videos, how wonderful to share so much with ishaq. i know you understand how lucky you were...i'm sure that helps in those dark moments.

sidvis...glad you're feeling better, glad about your friend, nice to hear a smile on your face.

all the newer ladies here...i am so sorry for your losses. it is hard, but being here and reading can help, posting and venting can help even more.

Dorothy.......GO! yes, you should..it will do wonders for you, i absolutely believe it. You are lucky to have friends who will take you, and sch a great opportunity. i have travelled several times by myself....last year at this time up north and the central CA area where i took a "memories' kind of trip, going to tom and my fave places (well, some of them) and scattering ashes. Next week, my son goes with his 8th grade class to washington dc. i struggled about where to go, but i finally decided to go somewhere with no memories, a place i haven't been before, so i'm going to the desert. I'm a little worried, i am such an ocean loving CA girl, but this will be different, and i need different, and it's a spa, and i need a spa. Dorothy, vegas has great spas in their casinos....go, get a massage, play slots and win some money, enjoy your friends, leave them and do things on your own. The feeling of accomplishment and adventure alone will be great, not to mention the trip itself.

I WANT TO HER ALL ABOUT IT!!!!

and , all of you, you are daily in my thoughts...i'll try and get on again before i leave, i won't have internet tuesday thru friday of next week...and this is what i'll miss. With al the posts lately, i can't even imagine what i'll be reading when i get back!

peaqce,

michele

[justkaren2]

scottlove and dorothy....thank you for the responses. It really helps me not to feel so alone with this. I wrote a long post, but guess I got timed out, and now i don't have the energy to rewrite it, but just putting it down helped even if nobody can read it.

Thank you so much for hearing me. It helps to have people that understand, even if you are unseen.

Thank you again,

Karen

[keekeenov26]

I just started on this site. so I hope that I can help those of you who hae just lost someone recently and don`t know what to expect. I don`t know if my experience will be of any help, but here goes. I lost my husband in Nov. of 2006 due to overdrinking. I found him. I felt like a horrible person because it all felt like this was some kind of play or movie i was watching. Even days later it still didn`t seem real.Mentally I knew it was but during everyday life it was like i was acting as someone else. Also everywhere I went felt different or surreal.I couldn`t relate to other people`s grief because of the fact that was my husband and they couldn`t understand that it wasn`t like it was thier friend. I don`t knowm but in people`s life there ought to be some kind of course you`re required to take to even have any idea what to do or what you might feel.

[aprilmoonflower]

scottslove,karen &kenkeenov26- I am sorry you are joining us here but I do hope you can find some peace. everyone here knows what you are going through. it doesn't make one feel better but at least we know we aren't alone..I think back now to every widow I've ever known (only a few so far thankfully, except for all of the ladies here) I really wouldn't wish this pain on anyone..althogh weirdly enough I feel kind of blessed we were only together 8 years. I can't imagine having lived ,my life with DH until we were even older and having to go through this (I feel like it would definitly kill me had that happened!) how do people even cope after 20 or 30 years or longer with someone? I don't know, I am not explaining very well..all I can say is hang in there!

Michele- have a fun time! =)

Dorothy- Vegas? go for it! what better place to go for a first road trip? I am glad to hear you are on the mend!

[misshimstill]

Hi, everyone. I've been outside doing yard work before it gets too hot here in Texas. Hard, hard work, but sometimes is very good for me to get out there and do it. I can pray or think or remember and no one bothers me but the bugs.

So many new names... I want to say something to everyone but may run out of time since we have to be somewhere soon. I'll start and if I run out of time, I'll finish later.

KeeKeenov25, So sorry to see your name on the site since we all know what it means for you to be here. But at the same time glad that you and Justkaren2 and Scottslove DID find us because I think it will help you to be able to express what you're feeling to us.

Justkaren2, Do they send messages? I didn't used to think they did, but am beginning to wonder after so many of the things I have heard here. If I were you and it comforts you to believe he was visiting you, then you probably should go with it.

Angel, Keep writing. I know it stirs up things that you maybe thought were not there anymore, but if they're there to be stirred up, then they need to be dealt with. We all have them... just different is all. Your story with your husband's family is HORRIFIC! As if you didn't have enough to deal with just with his death. And then to have to deal with all the bickering and controlling, etc. Just awful.

Dorothy, Should you go on the trip? Since you're asking us, I think the answer is all the same... YES!!! Do it!

Sidvis, So glad your new old friend is a comfort to you. Keep us posted on it.

April, You said that our writing our stories makes you think you should write yours. And you asked if it has helped us. For me, I would definitely say that every time I tell someone, it is helpful. I've told more people in the last two years than I had in the past 30+ years. I never get tired of talking about him. In fact, I would talk about him more with the people in my life if I thought THEY wanted to hear about it, which they really don't, so I talk to you guys. Thanks to all of you for being there.

I hope I didn't leave anyone out. If I did, I'll figure it out and catch you later. I gotta run. ~Oneta

[scottslove]

I want to put my 2cents worth into the should you go on a road trip question. You should go, what is there to loose by going? If you get there and decide you want to be home there are always airplanes. Your Not going to take your mind off or escape because thats impossible as we all know but just to have a new experience.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I don't really have anyone I can talk to and though I wish none of you had to be here it feels good just to have others who get it. Thank you so much.

I think I mentioned this in a previous post. but

There is a book called We Are Their Heaven I found it of some comfort

[aprilmoonflower]

Oneta~ I hear you on the yard work! you are not so far away from me either (I'm in S. AZ btw) I think gardening is so good for the soul. it has really helped me anyway! even though I am not so good at it at times. lol. the desert is so harsh though!

so whatever happened to our retreat gathering ladies? we really need to plan to meet up somewhere, sometime!!!

Sedona seems to be great (but spendy until fall) I really want to plan well ahead so everyone who can come can make it! I think we could put together a kick ass retreat of some sort and it would be great to meet some of you "face to face"!!! ANyway I know we've chatted about this..I Am wondering does October seem to far away? any other thoughts where we could meet? Sedona would be really beautiful in the fall...

btw where are you hiding DArlene!?!?!? missing you!

[missyouhoney811]

I still want our retreat. The only week I would not be available in October would be the week of the 8th. My son's birthday and also I have tickets for "John Edwards" that week. It would be so great to get a group together. Anyone else have feedback on our retreat? Lets get trip in motion.

I use to have a garden of vegetables but I am more flowers now. I planted quite a few plants that attract butterflies. So that is something I have to look forward to in my yard.

scottslove-IF I do go John will be in my heart at all times. The last time I went to Vegas we were together. Michele, a spa does sound great.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[misshimstill]

To everyone, I think the retreat is a really wonderful idea. I hope you get to do it, but I'm sure, no matter where or when you plan it, that I won't be able to do it. One of the drawbacks in being remarried. But for those who could make it, I think it would be wonderful to get together, see faces to connect with names and talk, talk, talk...

April, my hat's off to you if you can get ANYTHING to grow in S. AZ! It's hard enough here in Texas. That sun gets so hot in the summer, and hardly anything can make it without watering every day. And the mosquitos! You gals up in the beautiful Northwest have it made in the shade! Of course, I actually LIKE the rain and rainy days. Not everyone does. Around here, if it clouds up for more than two days running, everyone starts complaining because the people who live in this area are such sun worshippers. Not me! I'll take a cloudy, rainy day any ole' day!

Scottslove, You just keep coming here and keep writing. We all understand the feelings you're probably having. Your grief is so fresh and we've all been there. I've noticed in grief that people are with you in it for a few days and then they're out 'a there! Most people don't have much stomach for retracted mourning, but for us there seems to be no escape from it. I've never heard of the book you mention. What is the idea behind it? ~Oneta

[missinmyhubby]

I just spent an hour and a half typing and I have no idea what happened, but my computer shut off and the writing was lost...I will try again tomorrow.

[misshimstill]

Another night of insomnia. Another morning waking up feeling sad. Thinking of him throughout the night. Thinking of him when I wake up. Just wishing I could go to sleep and have pleasant dreams of him instead of the hours and hours lying awake or drifting throughout the house like a ghost myself. ~Oneta

[missyouhoney811]

Oneta, I had problems sleeping the first four months after my Johns death (and also while on happy pills). After the four months I started to cover over with Johns comforter and would chant a little prayer asking him to give me strength, keep me healthy, let me sleep and have special angels protect me through the night. I still do this and I sleep through the night. The only time I wake up is when I actually force myself out of a long, involved dream to write notes in reference to my dream so I remember in the morning. I guess you can consider me a sixty year old that needs a blanky to sleep with. Oh well, at least it works for me. LOL

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[scottslove]

Oneta, The book I was talking about We Are Their Heaven is written by Allison DuBois. She inspired the tv show Medium. I saw her on Oprah. The book talks about different kinds of loss and how in her opinion anyway the dead never leave us. I found it of some comfort well temporarily anyway. Of course it is for each person to decide their own views on this subject, but I did find her perspective interesting.

You are right about peoples response to grief. It seems even those who think they are being supportive think by listening they are incourageing you to not get over it. They use phases like "people do get over and move on" I know they can't understand I didn't either before it happened to me. Thank you so much for listening.

[justkaren2]

When I wake up, my first thought, as always, is of him. Then I realize all over again that he is dead. I haven't showered or eaten since he's been gone. I tried to eat a piece of bread last night, but it wouldn't stay down. I miss you so much, Richard. I know I have to move on. I just don't know how. Today my goal is to shower and take a walk with sunglasses on to hide my swollen eyes. Remember, when we first met, how I would talk to you while I walked. I was so happy. Now I am sadder than I have ever been. Thank you for loving me so well. I miss you, baby. I miss you.

[missyouhoney811]

Karen, I remember staying in bed for over a week. I did not take a shower, run a comb through my hair or brush my teeth. Normal me would have hit the shower as soon as I got out of bed. Actually, went grocery shopping two months after my John died. I made due with whatever I found to eat in the house. I remember driving to the grocery store only to sit in the parking lot. Returned home with no food. I did this many, many times. What you are going through is very normal. We have all been there. In time it does get a little better. Take care of yourself.

In reference to the retreat - I found a place called Junysine Resort in Sedona. They have a 2 bedroom condo style creek house it accommodates 1 to 8 persons. The initial rate would be a bit much for one person but depending how many of us finally do get together it should not be that bad. Check it out.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, babies and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

-OR-

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[misshimstill]

Karen, I agree that there is no rush to "moving on". What you are going through right now is VERY normal, at least normal for someone who has lost someone they love as much as you loved Richard. I say this over and over it seems. Don't let ANYONE rush you through this. You just take your time. It's your loss; it's your grief. You're still in shock right now. I can't get far enough down in the postings to see how long ago this happened, but if I remember right it was just days ago. When my husband died, I don't remember WHEN I took a shower or cleaned up. I guess I did the day of his funeral. After that I really don't know. I did what I HAD to do to take care of myself since I was pregnant, but beyond that I really didn't care. If it hadn't been for the baby, I have no idea how long it would have taken me to do "normal" things. Just take your time. We certainly do understand what you're going through right now. Your world as you have known it has come to an end and you need time to readjust, get used to the fact that he's gone and not coming back, and that is a HUGE adjustment.

Scottslove, It sounds like an interesting book. I like the show Medium. As for whether or not the dead stay with us, I thought I had an opinion on that, but after a week of corresponding with these gals, I've decided I'm undecided. I guess in this world anything is possible.

Which brings me to Dorothy, I haven't tried exactly what you mention, but I have talked to him when I go to sleep (or try to go to sleep), and I certainly want to dream about him, but am not too successful. Of the dreams I have had about him, I've only had two that were what I would term as good and only one that was really satisfying. The rest were kind of upsetting, sort of in the lines as others have mentioned - can't get to him, can't get his attention, can't get him to stay with me, realizing IN THE DREAM that he's dead when I THOUGHT he was alive, that kind of stuff. But some of the things I've heard all of you say make me WANT to have good dreams. I guess I'll have to try your method and see if it helps.

Naz and 4leaf, I haven't seen anything from you lately. Hope you're okay. April, you got sort of cut off it seems on your last post. Hope you're okay, too. Same to everyone else. Touch base later. Oneta

[armaiti]

I everyone, I'm back from the powwow and it was wonderful. I'm going to try and go off sugar tomorrow, but I had to wait until after the powwow as I love fry bread! My friend and I had a great time, stopped on the way home at a great hole in the wall cafe for crab omelettes and eggs benedict, in a little harbor town (Winchester Bay, Oregon). I even won a photo album covered with Pendleton blanket material in the raffle. So it was a really good time.

It was the first time I'd been back to Coos Bay since Ishaq died, he and I were there a lot because of his work with the Red Cross, he was always down there doing classes and I'd go with him on the trips. But it felt ok being with Jamila because she was with me when we dressed Ishaq for his cremation, and did our ceremony with his body, and that bond has made us sisters forever. We also travel really well together, like the same music. She separated from her husband a couple of years ago, and he was one of Ishaq's best friends and we all have stayed close through everything which is good.

To Karen: Is there anyone that you can have be with you right now, a close friend? Jamila came up the day after Ishaq died and she helped so much, staying with me and fielding phone calls, getting people out of the house that wouldn't leave, etc. (Ishaq had a lot of friends and students and most were very respectful, but I did have one unpleasant experience, with a woman he wasn't even very close to). Just having another person helps a lot at this time, you are very fragile right now, and in shock. And about the door being open, yes, I believe that was him. Ishaq mainly comes in dreams, but he did open a door one night, because I remember closing it to keep the noise of the kitten romping in the hallway from waking me up, and then I had a dream with Ishaq and the door was wide open when I woke up. I believe our beloveds still walk with us, just in different forms or vibration, it's hard sometimes for us to communicate but they do find ways.

I'd love to do the retreat, but since I'm starting a new business selling my art on shirts, pillows, boxes, etc., I don't know what things will be like for me then. I'll have to wait and see.

One more thing, to the "guest" who posted about wanting stories - I have to say I feel uncomfortable that you don't put a name with your post, or tell us a bit about yourself. I am unwilling to tell someone I know nothing about any of my experiences who is soliciting material without knowing a lot more about the person asking. Maybe not everyone feels that way, but I do. And if you are reading these posts, I want to make it clear that I do NOT give permission for anyone writing a book to excerpt anything I have written or talked about here without my direct permission. Just to be clear. What we all write here is very personal, comes from our hearts, and I hope will be respected as such.

Peace,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Guest (Young E-Published Writer) Unless you lost your spouse and are truly grieving I suggest you get the hell off our site.

[scottslove]

Dorthy I'm sorry I didn't realise the trip to Vegas would be one you took with your Love before, that makes it an even more difficult decision for you of course. I'll say a prayer for you that the decision you make is the one that brings you the most comfort.

[misshimstill]

Karen, I also thought about this after I signed off. As for the eating, I'm sure you don't have much of an appetite right now. During my deepest time of grief I could hardly eat anything and lost I know at least 30 pounds during that time. My stomach was EXTREMELY sensitive and queasy so that I not only couldn't eat, I didn't have any real appetite. That is the way some people respond to stress, and grief is certainly stress. I agree so much with what Anna (armaiti) said about having someone with you. That would not only help with getting rid of unwanted visitors, but would give you someone just to be with you. If it was someone you felt very comfortable with, they would understand if you wanted them there, but didn't necessarily want to talk or if you wanted privacy or to be alone. She is right that you are very fragile right now. So are you, Scottslove. All of you who have written in in the last four or five days sound like you're pretty much in the same shape. Be very gentle and kind to yourself and get someone who understands what you're going through to be with you during this time.

To Guest: I agree with what has already been said to you, especially what armaiti said about what we say here being very personal, between us and OFF LIMITS for any book or publication without our permission.

Welcome home, Anna. Glad you had a really nice time. (I LOVE fry bread, too. My brother-in-law lives in NM and we get it when we're there visiting him.)

Blessings to all,

Oneta

[rodless]

To the new names on this board... I'm so sorry you had to join us, but it's a good place to be. My husband died 10 months ago tomorrow. It has gotten better but some days just blindside me, today being one of them. I have found it best to accept the flood of tears whenever it happens and start over again. I am accompanying my mom to Albuquerque over Memorial Day so she can visit her sister and then have plans for Nashville in June to attend a niece's wedding. I had a very hard time doing anything outside the house or my workplace for several months but I am finding myself ready to try something different. As April said, I feel a little shift happening. Doesn't mean I won't go backwards but feel it's a sign of promise that the bumps in the roller coaster aren't quite as steep now. Best to all of you! Mary Jo

[rodless]

Karen... my heart breaks for you. The pain of the first few days is so intense and dehabilitating. All you can do it survive a few minutes, an hour at a time. Sleep when you can. Eat what you can. Try to find someone who has had a similar experience who understands. It hurts to even think about what you're going through right now. We all understand. MJ

[justkaren2]

Thank you all sooooo much for responding to me. It helps more than you could know. Don't worry about me. I am not completely alone. My 21 year old daughter and my 15 year old have been taking care of the unwanted visitors for me, but I've been answering the phone because I think it may be Richard's ex-wife giving me information about the memorial service. One cousin called and said the most ridiculous thing. She was really inappropriate, giggling, and telling me I need to be strong and move on. Then she said "Some people take more than they give." I was so stunned, I couldn't even reply. I don't know why she would refer to Richard in that way...she's never even met him. I told her thank you for calling, but I need to go. Now as I review it in my mind, I am angry. Some people can be so insensitive sometimes.

I did take that shower, but didn't get to the walk. And I didn't cry ALL day, okay most of it, but not all. And I even laughed once..when my niece called and said she wanted to help...could she come over and clean my toilets.

I've been reading a lot and all of your posts are making me recognize that this will be an ongoing process...it won't always be like this if I allow myself to grieve.

Sometimes it's just so hard to understand why. I learned today that Richard's heart attack was caused by an unknown rare heart defect...his heart actually split in half, which is why they could not revive him. I used to be an RN, and I had never heard of that. That's why when he had an EKG and echocardiogram prior to a hernia repair, nothing showed. It releives me that it wasn't something, that I, as a former nurse should have recognized (and threfore prevented his death). And it angers me that God gave him a faulty heart. At the same time, I feel so blessed to have known this man who taught me how to love and be love. Such a mixture of emotions, it's overwhelming.

Thanks for listening.

By the way, I did find someone to talk to...the lady next door. Her fiance passed away in her arms 2 years ago. So she's been through it, and has told me the same things you are. Helps to know I'm not losing my mind and that I won't always feel this bad.

Karen

[missinmyhubby]

Heya gals…I am taking a break tonight from the story…thank you all for letting me write and taking the time to share with me. I never thought that writing would do any good. I have always thought that if he can see me, and be with me, and hear my thoughts, why should I write things down. If I just think them, then he can hear them. I had tried to write things down, but always got two or three words on paper and then quit. Last year when I wrote about the job, I wrote it to you ladies. I then substituted some words and made it to him. That was the closest I had gotten to writing anything. Then the poem I just wrote is the first thing I started for him and actually finished. The story was not meant to be so detailed or lengthy, but I can not tell you how much better I feel that I am getting it out. Yes, it hurts while I am writing it, but I am feeling a big weight being lifted. The best thing is knowing that I am sharing all this with people who understand. Almost four years of holding all this inside.

Oneta, I do NOT know how you did it for so long!!!!! I can’t wait to get this all out, I do have a point. I want to share with you some of the feelings of being remarried if that is okay with you. I would love to hear anything you have to say. I love them both and sometimes feel like I have two separate lives. It was really bad in the beginning, but has lessened some with time. I use to feel like I was dishonoring DH by remarrying, and only on the rare occasions when someone tells me I have, do I start to feel anxiety over it. However, I firmly believe in to each their own. Nobody has walked in my shoes and visa versa….so, it usually doesn’t last long. You wrote of your daughter. My youngest, our child, was three and a half when he passed. I am so happy that her and my husband are so great together, but I also fear she will grow up with no recollection of the man who loved her so. DH was just beside himself with love for that baby and showered her with it every moment he was here. It saddens me she will not know it anymore and will probably not remember it. I just reread your story again, I am so sorry you were alone with this for so long. I hope you find comfort here and keep coming back.

April, I say try it, see what you think…it is helping on this end. I am so happy for you that you are going back to school!!! You will do wonderful!!! I have bought a little lamp for oils, now I just have to go back and read your article on which ones to use. I have yet to try the tea out on him, but I will!!! LOL. Can you do medical law???? You know, to combine the two interests???? Just a thought….hehe. I have no idea how to grow anything. I had one plant when I was a child, and it kept turning brown and finally wilted away…I gave up. I didn’t know if I over watered it, under watered it, or what, but I couldn’t keep it alive. How do you gals do it???

Sidvis…I am glad for you. Take it slow and be careful. It is wonderful to hear you are smiling.

Linda - did you get to view the slideshows on the myspace page?? I had the pics set to private too. My story is not complete by any means, but when I am done, I am sure you all will understand why I don’t want any of those wackos to be able to get any info on me. You haven’t been writing much…I miss hearing from you.

There are some other missing in action gals too….….WHERE ARE YOU GALS??? Darlene, Lisa?????

Naz, thank you for your kind words. You have so much on your plate right now, blessings to you too.

Fourleaf, I am so happy to hear you are mending things with your family and finding some peace. This journey sucks and is so damn hard. Thank you for your kind words as well.

Anna, thank you. It was so hard to just breath after he passed. I try to always have a positive outlook on humanity, but those people…well…they are just awful, and it makes me so sad sometimes that I can not find it within myself to forgive them yet. I honestly feel that if he had passed away while at home, things would have been incredibly different as far as the arrangements and the services. I am so glad to hear you had a wonderful time at the powwow and have returned safely. I have never had fry bread….lol. I must get out more!! To travel to the places we shared with our loved ones can prove to be very difficult. I am glad you had your close friend there with you.

Scottslove, thank you for your kind words as well. DH is buried at Graceland there in Racine. I have not been back since shortly after he passed. I am sorry to hear about your loss. Please join us more often, this is a wonderful place. I have not read any books yet. I bought a few of them about six months after DH passed, but before I was able to read any of them, my niece was in need of 25 bucks for some school books. I gave her the books to return to the store for the money. But, I think I will have to start, and maybe I will start with this one you have mentioned. Thank you!!! May you find some more peace.

Dorothy, I envy your ability to dream happy dreams of him, and all the others on here that get that gift. I am glad to hear you are healing as well, what a terrible thing to have happened. I must say, it made me chuckle though when you said you are amazed at all you can do with just one hand. My personal theory…after loosing my DH, anything else is just a surface scratch in comparison. If you still walk the face of this earth after loosing your husband, and are that strong, I can believe what you are capable of doing one handed!!! LOL. You had until today to decide if you are going on the road trip…I think you should go for it!!! What did you decide??? You crack me up…you tell ’em…get the hell off our site…

Karen, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, my heart goes out to you. I am glad you have others there to help you during this time. Keep coming here and talking when you are able. We are all here for you.

Michele, where have you been????? Thank you for reading and listening. I will finish it, just not tonight. It has been hard. I miss him so much. I hope you enjoy your trip!!!!! A spa? Sounds wonderful!!!! When you come back all fresh and relaxed, I want to hear all about it!!! Be safe and have fun!!!

KeeKeenov26, where did you go???? There should be some type of information dispersed when loosing a loved one. Some type of informational package with internet sites to go to, counseling centers if you seek that method, etc.

MaryJo, where have you been??? New Mexico and Tennessee huh?? I love Tenn., it is very beautiful in the Smokey mountains. I will be thinking of you today on your ten months….try to find some time to yourself and be gentle.

I think I am all caught up now....

Blessings to all and super duper (((((HUGS))))) to each and every one of you ladies. Night for now...

Angel

[lindat]

Hi Angel, I'm here, thank you for your note, it made me cry - I am going through alot right now and it felt like you reached out and touched me. Thank you for taking the time to share your story, you are a very strong lady. I will try again to see the slideshows when I go to the library. I am on a dial up connection here and sometimes not as patient as I should be

I am still in the new relationship and probably in way too deep. He is going to have prostate surgery in a couple of weeks and the outlook isn't as positive as originally thought. He wants me to come back to MI and be with him, but it just isn't financially possible right now. The soonest I can go is August and that seems like years away. I am very worried and of course upset, but trying to keep a positive attitude. Reading here every day reminds me that I am strong and I can do this, whatever happens because I already have when I didn't think I could make it one more minute.

My heart goes out to all the new ones, the pain that you are going through is overwhelming. Breathe deep and take it one minute at a time if that is all you can do. You will one day be surprised at how strong you really are.

My thoughts are with you all....

[missyouhoney811]

MJ - My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Be good to yourself.

Angel - I did say yes to the trip and made reservations at the hotel. I have a problem tho, I would be staying at the same hotel where my neighbors stay but, I have reservations for the 23rd and 24th no room is available on 25th and 26th. I can go back in the hotel to continue my stay for the 27th, 28th, 29th and check out on the 30th. Soooooooooooooo I have been trying to find another hotel. Since it is a holiday weekend the rates have gone up. I had planned on taking a trip to Vegas in August (Johns one year 8/ll). I just might cancel out on the road trip. We shall see. Also, a problem came up yesterday. My central air went out yesterday. I just might have to buy a new unit with my gambling money. I can't complain. We had central air put in our house 11/81. I believe we did get our money out of it.

I hope you all try to have a good day.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[misshimstill]

Well, let’s see. Where to start…

Dorothy, I tried it last night (what you suggested), but it didn’t really work for me. I did happen to sleep a little better last night than in a long while, but I think that’s because I took some Unisom, which works pretty well for me. I don’t like to take anything since I’m trying to get weaned off the sleeping stuff. It’s hard to miss so much sleep for so long (going on four years now), but somehow I manage to muddle through each day. I’m glad you’ve decided to make the trip. And oh, yeah, I wanted to comment on what you said to our publisher guest… What you said I probably never would have had the guts to say, but I think you spoke for all of us. I got such a kick when I read that… “get the hell off our website”.

Linda, I sure understand the deal with the new relationship. You have enough to deal with in that without the complication of his cancer. You say that the outlook may not be as positive as they first thought. If you don’t mind my asking, in what way? Since Jack, my present husband, just had that surgery in early March, it’s very much still on our front burners. His started out with a rising PSA (one of the first indicators). The day the doc took the biopsies he said he didn’t think it was cancer because the cloudiness he saw on the sonogram used to guide the biopsy was calcification. There was a lot of it, and it alone could have accounted for the high PSA. When the biopsies came back, however, there was cancer found in (I believe) three of the four quadrants. The biopsies done after the surgery, though, found cancer in all four quadrants, fairly undifferentiated, which raised his Gleason score from 7 to 8 in all four quadrants. For those of you who don’t know anything about prostate cancer, that’s very high. The highest score is 10, and that’s outside the gland. His was all contained within the gland, though, and he just had his first followup PSA after the surgery last week, and it was 0.01%, which is nearly 0, which is what they want to see. So even though it had spread further than they originally believed, they got it in the nick of time. I hope this holds true for your guy, too. I don’t mean to give you false hope because you don’t need that, but just encouragement. What we’ve gone through with the death of our first husbands or partners makes us all a little skittish about the possibility of losing another one. That’s very natural. I know just before Jack’s surgery, I just KNEW he was going to die from this cancer. It’s something we just have to deal with, but the alternative is loneliness for the rest of our lives because we’re afraid of being “left behind” again.

Angel, it’s probably good for you to “take a break” from your writing. It can be therapeutic, but we also do a certain amount of reliving the trauma when we write about it, which can be very emotionally draining. You asked how I did it, meaning how did I keep it inside for so long? I guess I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. Now that I’ve discovered you girls, it is so good to talk about how his death and how the subsequent years have affected me. Even though I’ve only been on this website since April 24, it seems that I know each of you, and it is so easy to talk together. On the subject of remarriage, I can very much understand the feeling of loving them both and feeling as though you are living two different lives. I feel that, also, very much. I’ve had to give myself permission to love them both, as I’ve written before. I think that would sound silly to the “uninitiated”, but I think we can all relate to that feeling a little bit. There is, and I think should be, the feeling of loyalty to our first love. I mean, he was our first! Lamar taught me so much in the way of loving another person and giving myself to another person. Also, I was just 18 when I met him and married him, some would say too young, but I don’t think so. I’m so grateful for every day, every minute I had with him. I could never regret any of the time I had with him. Even eloping with him I don’t regret. I regret not having our families there, but it gave us more time together that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. The time I would have spent planning a wedding, I had with him instead. How can I regret that? Being remarried, even 30+ years later, I still feel a part of me is still married to Lamar. I guess I’ll always feel that way. He was my husband. I lived with him and gave birth to his child (miscarried another), was ONE with him in so many ways. I know you can all relate. This is all part of why I hate that so many people who know me and are in my life now know nothing about him, that he even existed, that I was married before. Of course I love Jack; that has nothing to do with how I feel about Lamar! I’m not sure that others could understand that. It’s funny. You mentioned it was really bad in the beginning. I would be interested to know what you mean by that. It was very hard for me in the beginning, also. I was continually making comparisons in my head. Lamar was a very simple, uncomplicated, happy, easy-going, easy-to-live-with kind of person. Jack is a very complicated, moody (less so now than when he was younger), HIGHLY intelligent, even sophisticated, in some ways a difficult-to-live-with kind of man. They were as different as two people could be, I think. I really can’t tell you when I stopped making comparisons. Maybe I never DID stop… know what I mean? On the other hand, he really is a wonderful person, a wonderful husband – just different. He’s a wonderful dad; my daughter is fiercely devoted to him. You understand my feelings of sadness that April, my daughter, has no memory of any kind of her natural father. That doesn’t mean I’m not grateful that she loves Jack so much or certainly that he loves her so much. But I AM sad and always will find it sad that she never knew the man who helped create her… never was held by him or caressed by him or kissed by him or even seen by him… never knew how much he wanted to have a little girl. This all makes me very sad and is part of what causes sadness in my heart every day of my life. All I have to do is look at her and at her little girl, and I see him. They both look just like him and have his personality. How can I possibly not regret that they never knew each other? I get choked up every time I even think about it, much less talk or write about it, as I am doing now. It comforts me to know that you understand what I’m talking about… that I’m not just wasting my breath (or typing in this case) by trying to describe how it makes me feel. Well, enough of that, I guess.

Karen, Glad to know that you do have someone there with you, that you’re not alone, that you have people fending away the vultures for you. It is most definitely an ongoing process. You can tell by reading all our posts that that much is true. All the why’s… we’ll probably always wonder some things, but all will be revealed one day and all questions will be answered… if we even care at that point. I just hope you are comforted by knowing that everything you’re feeling right now is completely normal and you’re not going crazy. I sure thought I was at first, but if this is crazy, then there are a lot of people who are crazy, also.

Mary Jo and April, Those shifts do occur as time goes by, and the roller coaster gets a little easier to ride. But personally, I think “time” is overrated. By that I mean that there is nothing magic in time alone. There is a song that I listen to – a lot – that says “time will never mend my broken heart”, and I honestly believe that is true. Our hearts may heal over a little bit, but I think they will always be a little bit broken. Maybe I’m wrong, but I know mine hasn’t completely healed, and look how long it’s been!

I hope the other new gals who have posted in the recent days are still with us and reading, even if you aren’t posting. But if you are reading, please do write so we know how you are.

Love and blessings,

Oneta

[misshimstill]

Karen, Just reread one of your posts. Something you said reminds me of something I thought of once. You were talking about how happy you were when you first met him and now very, very unhappy you are now without him. I had this thought once, that if falling in love is the highest high, the most wonderful feeling in the world (which most people think it is), then to have that person die is the complete opposite, the lowest low and the unhappiest time of our lives. Complete opposites... ~Oneta

[mishknit]

hey all...

this board has become a little mind boggling, with all the posts....i come on and read, and don;'t have much to say because soemone else has said it! How geat is that tho.....we're so here for each other, those new on this path and those with a little time under their belts...this is a great way to be.

I am off to my spa vacation tomorrow..a little nervous, mainly becasue it's in the desert, and i'm a beach gal. BUT..there are no memories here, it's completely uncharted territory for me, and i think that's good. i have books, and 2 nice bottles of wine, and 2 bathing suits....and that's about it! LOL! I may bring my laptop..I keep trying to write, make soemthing out of my daily journaling...this may be a good time to start. i won't have internet access to distract me, which is good.

I have just 2 responses...

dorothy..i hope you still take the trip. Spending 2 nights at a different hotel is really like being on a trip by yourself, that might be a safe way to try that idea out? just a thought.

Karen..I had to laugh too at yoour neice's offer of cleaning toilets...perfect! It reminded me of the day that tom died. my son and i had come home from the hospital, were just sleep walking thru a maze of people, and in came another group of friends, with MORE food and I remember thinking "i will never eat again" (and it did take me days to eat, even a little, again...so that's normal), and the i realized one of my friends had 2 bags full of toilet paaer. and i was so surprised by that, but she said she knew there'd be a lot of people in my home over the next while, and didn't know if i had enough, so thats' what she brought. It was kind, smart and, hystericallly funny...i just laughed and laughed, people thought i was going nuts. the power of laughter is astounding, and during this time i say go for it whenever you can, and don't worry about what others think.

anyway....

peace to you all

i'm reading!

michele

[ripzuck]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this board, have been on others, but am quite touched by the warmth, caring depth, diversity and sincerity here. I'm entering my 13th month as a widow and am crying while posting. I have gotten my life on track, working part time because I retired two weeks after my husband's unexpected, sudden death. The retirement was planned and encouraged by my husband so we could have more quality time together. I felt like the rug was pulled from under my being. I wonder what the nature of my posts would have been right after the trauma. Just wanted to introduce myself aand join this sad, but most important sisterhood.

[sidvis]

Mariemikey-are you still out there? Check in why don't you? I think of you often.

[misshimstill]

Ripzuck, Finally, we hear from you! I had noticed a posting from you where you had quoted something Anna had said about dreams, so I figured something said had caught your attention. I looked several pages back and never found anything from you, so thought you would write when you got ready to. Sorry that you have to be in this group, but it's a good place for you to be. So sorry, also, that your retirement worked out like it did. My brother always said that he and his wife wanted to retire and do things together before they got too old. So many of their friends had waited until they were older adn then one of them got sick or worse, died, and they never did get to do the stuff they had always wanted to do. Then when my brother did retire, early at 58, he ended up being diagnosed with cancer a year later, so he was glad they had had the year. I imagine you really did feel like the rug had been jerked out from underneath you! As you have observed, this is a caring, compassionate place to be, so glad you joined us from that vantage point. ~Oneta

[ripzuck]

Ripzuck, Finally, we hear from you! I had noticed a posting from you where you had quoted something Anna had said about dreams, so I figured something said had caught your attention. I looked several pages back and never found anything from you, so thought you would write when you got ready to. Sorry that you have to be in this group, but it's a good place for you to be. So sorry, also, that your retirement worked out like it did. My brother always said that he and his wife wanted to retire and do things together before they got too old. So many of their friends had waited until they were older adn then one of them got sick or worse, died, and they never did get to do the stuff they had always wanted to do. Then when my brother did retire, early at 58, he ended up being diagnosed with cancer a year later, so he was glad they had had the year. I imagine you really did feel like the rug had been jerked out from underneath you! As you have observed, this is a caring, compassionate place to be, so glad you joined us from that vantage point. ~Oneta

[missyouhoney811]

I can't remember who asked a couple months ago about the time capsule. I think Anna or April (much too tired to check past posts) - According to my son he put all the family names and a picture of the three of us.

When my husband became paralyzed on 7/8/97 I had to leave my job to become his caregiver. Many times were tough - but once I actually had extra caregivers it did make my life much lighter. We enjoyed our life as best as we could. We went out everyday. Many days I wanted to stay home but John said lets go, one of these days I won't be able to go. So we went..............wherever, whatever he wanted to do we did. I am so happy that I had the extra time with my husband. He almost died when he became paralyzed (do to malpractice of the doctor)but, God let him live so we could go about our life the best we could in his condition. He was always in a good mood never depressed - he was my hero. Lord I miss him so.

God Bless all of you,

Dorothy

[justkaren2]

You guys(gals) are the best!. It's been a really tough day returning to work with all of the questions. Only a few people actually knew what happened, but everyone noticed the changed in me. The swollen eyes, the lack of laughter (I'm usually such a happy, jokster). Trying not to cry, but unable to stop. Continually having to explain the story over and over again as each person asked. I've only worked there for a couple of months, so although I have friends, none are particularly close. It was exhausting trying to explain without trying to inflict my grief on them. My direct boss told me "Quit crying and get to work!" She meant well. That is how she dealt with the death of her mother and sister. I too have watched my mother and sister pass, but although very sad with plenty of tears, it does not represent the same thing as the loss of Richard. With Richard's death, I lost my best friend, my life companion, my hopes and dreams, my security. People mean well. They just do not understand, as I did not until it happened to me.

It is so good to hear that some of you have moved on and are able to form new relationships. I am most afraid of being totally alone for the rest of my life. I am 51 years old. Finding Richard took me 47 years. He taught me how to love and be loved. Not in my wildest dreams will I find a man that is so compatible and incredibly sexy to me. I'm compatible with most people, but the chemistry is just not there. I know that I will never find it again, and I think I selfishly grieve for that. And I feel guilty because, after all, he is dead....I should not be thinking of such selfish things. I'm so incredibly lonely that I want someone to hold me in the way that only a man can. I feel incredibly guilty for those feelings. I know that nobody could replace him. It wouldn't work. It wouldn't be fair to myself or the other person, so I will not act on that yearning, but I yearn to fall asleep with someone holding me (yes, and even snoring loudly in my ear) once again. I think I might die of this loneliness. And, sadly, I wish I would.

Do not worry. I will not act on that desire. But I just don't want to wake up so that I can be with him in his heaven and be out of this pain.

I hurt. I know you all do. Thank you for listening, thank you for responding. I hope that someday soon, I will be able to disconnect from this pain enough to respond to your feelings as you have responded to mine.

Thank you,

Karen