I Miss Him So...

[lauraa]

Hi Everybody:

Today is quite depressing for me......I miss my husband so bad. Wednesday is our three year marker of his passing. The month of May is just a build up of all my emotions leading up to the 16th of May. We were together since we were 14 and were in total, 34 years years......I know this sounds really bad but do any of you pray to your loved ones more than god? Do you think that is because of the anger stage of our grieving? Or, do you all think it is to feel closer to them in a spiritual way. I also feel like a free spirit and can't see myself being connected to anyone else. I feel as though we were so connected in every way that I am stuck as if he is still here, "without seeing him".....but, I can still see him in everyway.....god, I loved that man and just can't get use to the idea that I have to livbe the rest of my life without him. It feels like torture! It is such a bad day for me and I just can't stop crying. How do we regain our zest for life again? I am trying with all my might...but, it is so hard......is god with us? Is he carrying us? Are our loved ones with god? Are they waiting for us? How do we fullfill our lives without them? Will be make it? Why is life so hard after two became one and it was taken from us?.........I need words of encouragement today!

Larry, I know how you feel......keep writing to us...we all understand!

Love to all! Happy mommies day.

[anaciris]

Oneta,

Thank you for your thoughts. My appointment is Friday so I have some time to think about it. I am definetly getting the tattoo. His name is still a questionmark but it would not be larger than half an inch long and quarter of an inch high.

Otherwise, I am an emotional mess. I have days when I don't cry and days like today when I cry just walking down the street. He is burried about an hour and a half away so I only get to visit the grave once a weekend and today was the day. I generally go through a rollercoaster of emotions. Mostly I am angry and I hate going to bed and waking up another day without him. I wish I could die too, somehow it seems easier than all of this. Part of me just doesn't understand how this can happen to someone who was so healthy and only 30. We don't know what caused him to have hydrocephalus and go brain dead, but he was misdiagnosed by all doctors he saw and it just got too late when they figured it out. I think it being so unexpected has made it so much worse. I was with him the entire time and fought but somehow it was not enough. I feel like it should have been me and I feel so guilty that I just didn't do enough to save him.

I don't have any spiritual beliefs, maybe it would be easier. Grew up in a religious household but I never found comfort in it no matter what life threw at me and this just made me stop believing in anything. The thought that he is somewhere else is not comforting, because I just want him here. Somewhere else doesn't really make me feel better. I have begun to see a therapist. I don't feel it helps but she tells me it will take time and I should take as much time as I need.

Reading this board helps at times, though it makes me sad to see so much other pain out there. Thank you again for replying.

[armaiti]

First to those of us who don't have kids, but our animals are so special to us - happy mothers day to all the cat and dog and miscellaneous animal moms out there.

Laura, I wouldn't say that I pray to my partner, but I do talk to him lots during the days and nights...I do prayers of my spiritual traditions, but when I talk othertimes, it's to Ishaq, not to the Great Spirit/Creator. Sometimes I ask him for a sign he's still near me, or sometimes I just talk to him, hoping he can hear me.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard day. It just doesn't stop, does it? Seems I'll be doing ok, and then something goes wrong and wham! I'm a mess again. I always came to Ishaq with my problems, he was a very wise person, and gave very good advice, plus he was a teacher in our Sufi tradition and gave me guidance on that level as well, and now I often feel lost without guidance from him. I do get guidance in a new way, but it's just not the same as having him here to talk to and hold and eat dinner with and all.

Hope you find some peace,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Debramarie,

I am happy if anything I said to you helped you in any way. I am so glad you found this site for women who have lost their husbands/partners. I know it has been very devastating to have lost Johny in such a horrible way. There are no easy answers to the questions you are asking. It is very understandable why you are so broken and empty after having him ripped from you so suddenly. All of us here on this site feel lost without the men we loved, so we are able to sympathize with you in that way. I do not believe that anyone is trying to “teach you a lesson”. I think that would be a very cold and heartless way to look at such a loss. As I say, there are no easy answers to the questions you ask. I hope that you will keep coming and writing here what you feel because it is helpful to do even that much, though it may not seem that it could do you any good to do it. Sometimes just the sympathy we feel from another human being can give us reason to go on another day. You are welcome to say whatever you want to say, and no one will judge you for it. I hope you will be able to do that. Again, I feel so badly for what you are going through. I will pray for you to find peace and maybe eventually some answers to your questions.

Blessings, Oneta

[rodless]

Hi Larry, glad to see you here. Not much action on the miss her board. Don't think guys "talk" so freely. My husband was 71 when he died.. a second marriage for 13 years with 5 years of fighting cancer. I would like to think if the situation was reversed, he would have tried to do his best to go on. I really think that's what your Sharon would want, too. I know how hard it is... one foot in front of the other a minute at a time. We are all in it with you!

Hi Laura, so sorry this is a bad time for you. I'm starting into a rough one I think. Rod went into the hospital on May 16 last year and came home at the end of June to die. Yes, I found myself sometimes not sure who I'm praying to, especially at first, but I think God understands.

I have two good books I've been working through a chapter at a time. They are written for Christians. I'll try to get those posted tomorrow because they have been a tremendous help to me. I keep one in the car.

Ugh... Monday tomorrow. Mary Jo

[misshimstill]

Lauraa,

I have found that anniversaries are a really bad time for bringing up feelings that have not yet been fully resolved. I know that three years is a very long time to be grieving and missing the one you love. I have been grieving deeply for a little over 4 years myself. My husband died at Christmas. We met in the fall at college. From the end of summer until well into January it is very difficult for me every year. Then it starts up again in March and into April, which was the month we were married. It lets up a little during the summer, only to start again all over again in late summer. I have found that this is not uncommon.

I would not say that I have ever prayed to my husband, though I do talk to him a lot and write letters to him a lot. Anger is a very powerful emotion we often feel during grief. I think that talking to our loved ones is also an important thing to do, not only to express what we are feeling, but also, as you say, to remain “connected” to them. I also have felt “stuck” in my grief, as you say you feel, unable to move on and form new attachments. I feel this way even though I am remarried. I feel sometimes more connected to my late husband than I do to my present husband. I think that this has something to do with the stage of grief that we are in. I think it will pass in time, but I’m not sure how much more time will be needed to get through it.

You ask some loaded questions and not easy ones to answer. I’m not sure about regaining “zest for life”. That has been hard for me, as well, to regain. Is God with us? Is He carrying us? I believe He is very much with us, and I know without a doubt that He carries me every day. I would have given in completely to despair if He didn’t do so. I have made it this far only by His grace and His mercy and the knowledge that He sees my pain and weeps for me in it. Are our loved ones with God? I know that my husband is with God, and that is a great comfort to me. I know that one day I will see him again, and that brings me great joy. I also believe that he is waiting for me and will welcome me into Heaven when I die. I cannot express to you how eagerly I await that day! It is probably the main reason I can get out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other. How do we make it through life after two have become one and then one is taken from the other? Wow! Another loaded question. It is hard, very hard. We truly were “one” with them, and when they are gone, we are only half here. I have heard several of the women on this site say they feel that way. I noticed that when my father died that my mother seemed only half a person. I know the same was true of me, as well. And of you. Again, only the knowledge that I will see my sweet husband again one day helps me today – and tomorrow – and all the tomorrows.

I pray that God will comfort you, and I ask Him to help you to feel His presence and his tender mercies with you as you continue to work through your grief. There is light at the end of the tunnel, though it may seem very, very far away and very, very dim.

Blessings,

Oneta

[mishknit]

Oneta....

oh,my goodness..i have RLS too! what do you do for it? I have taken klonopin for years...helps to knock me out, and it's an anti-anxiety drug. somehow, i'm sure, that has helped me thru the last 16 months...but oh that is hell, isn't it? i know that my friends are looking for a church with a choir.....the choir at the church we went to here in LA was amazing, filled with session singers, and they miss singing so much. who knows tho,..i will certain;y pass on the info.

Laura...oh sweetie i hear you. My faith has been really messed up by tom's death, and i often find myself addressing prayers to :"tom, and your little friend god"! (sorry if i offend anyone...). It makes me laugh, and makes me feel closer to tom OI talk to tom all the time, out loud, inwardly, whatever..int he car i'm always talking, but then, most people are, so i don't feel too weird! whatever works for you, and, it doesn't sound like it's working that well...not for me either, i miss him so. today was hard, my second mother's day...i just miss him so much, every day, but when it's a special day, even more so, because i remember years past. big sigh!

ana...

i have often thought about getting a tattoo..one thing that stops me in my tracks is..what would i get? you know, so that's one up on me. I understand your friends responses too, tho, and wonder if putting it off just a bit longer may be a good idea..just a little more time to weigh the pros and cons. Whatever you decide will be right, i absolutely believe that, but sometimes deciding, then waiting...just helps make us more clear. especially so early on in grief..it's all such a maze of decisions and adjustments...

anyway, that's my 2 cents.

and anna..there are so mnay ways to be a mother.....kids, pets, relatives, and, many times, our husbands! LOL! I think we are all mothers, we have that energy from mother earth, and we all should be blessed and appreciated this day!

and now, i'm glad the day is almost over. I hate holidays.

michele

[misshimstill]

Anaciris,

I am thankful if anything I said was of any comfort to you. I feel that it is a good decision to wait a while to put the name on with the other part of the tattoo. That is something you can always add later if you still feel you want to do that.

The rollercoaster… that is a ride we all are on, and we hate it just as you do. But I’ve discovered that with time the ride doesn’t seem quite so bumpy or have nearly as high of highs or low of lows, and it slows down a bit and is longer between highs and lows. And oh, the tears… I could fill a swimming pool with them, I think. I know exactly what you mean. The anger that you feel is very natural and I would even say “normal”, even if it doesn’t make sense. When my husband died, I felt such anger toward him for dying, and then I would feel bad for being angry at him. I also felt angry at nothing… and everything – at the doctors who didn’t seem to care, at the world for that matter. I also understand and relate to the feeling of just wanting to die. I remember lying on his grave one cold December day and begging God to just take me right then and there. I would pray every night that God would take me during the night.

I can relate to the feeling of guilt, too, that you didn’t do enough to save him. My husband was young, too – only 25. The day he died I tried several times to call the doctor, who never returned my call (one of the reasons I was angry with the doctors). After he died, I felt that I should have just gotten him in the car and taken him to the emergency room. If I had just done that one thing, he would not have died, I reasoned. Feelings of guilt or feeling that it “should have been me” are so common. So many of us have felt that very same thing.

I understand the feeling that you have that his being somewhere else is not comforting to you. I am comforted by the knowledge that I will see my husband again one day, but I most definitely wish he was “here” and not “there”.

Your therapist is right – that you need to take as much time as you need to process your feelings and work through your grief. Try to be gentle with yourself and don’t be beating up on yourself all the time. I have a feeling that you do that a lot. Take time FOR yourself, too. Pamper yourself when you can and however you can. Are you having trouble sleeping or eating? Concentrating on work? I encourage you to keep coming here and talking about your feelings. You will find that it helps just to do that. It may not seem like much, but it really does help - so very much. The women here are very understanding and sympathetic and will listen without judgment. You can say whatever you want to say – no matter how bad it may sound to your own ears – and it’s OKAY.

Blessings,

Oneta

[misshimstill]

Michele,

The RLS – I used to take Klonopin, but when I switched doctors (long story), he didn’t want me on it because it is addictive. They say the RLS is a neurological thing, so I don’t really feel that I need to be on anti-anxiety drugs to control it. There is something new called Requip – you’ve probably seen the commercials – that my doctor is prescribing for me. It works just like the Klonopin, but without the addiction potential.

That’s fine if your friends are looking for a church with a choir. Probably the one they visited when they were here is the one they should be in. But if they ever want to visit, they would be more than welcome. I would still like to meet her if she would be interested. It’s hard when you move and don’t know anybody. Maybe it would help if we had coffee or lunch, especially since we have you as the connecting link between us. We sure have a lot of Californians moving here. Part of what is making Austin become what they are calling the second Houston or the Houstonization of Austin. The traffic may feel worse to them than the LA traffic. My son lives in San Diego, and he complains about the traffic here every time he visits us and says that San Diego traffic is not as bad, even though the city is much larger.

I got a kick out of “Tom, and your little friend, god”. Sometimes it helps just to say the most sacrilegious things…

And I agree about having to mother our husbands. Because every woman knows that every man is just a little boy in grown-up skin…

Well, we have to laugh about SOMETHING!

Blessings,

Oneta

[misshimstill]

Mary Jo,

Be sure to tell us the names of the books. I've read a lot on grief, but still could read some more. Sorry this is a rough time for you, as well. And yes, ugh, tomorrow is Monday!

~Oneta

[mishknit]

oneta...

as my friends get settled in, i will definitely float the idea of a meeting to her...she may really like that.

I can't believe that the traffic there can be worse than LA...but.....yikes! I hope not! san diego's traffic isn't as bad as LA"s, but it can be bad, so, who knows? meanwhile....if you ever come visit your son..let me know..i'm, not too far from there, and if i make it to austin, i'll definietly look you up!

klonopin is addictive....i am addicted, and know that i'll have to wean myself off if i stop...i'm only on a small dose, just 1mg...started at .5, then went up to 1mg several years ago, and it works relatively well. The thing that scares me about the requip is that it's a parkinson's medication,. and pretty intense on that level....but then,as bad as my RLS is, if it got any worse i'd try anything because it is awful, isn't it?

I'm glad you laiughed about the "little friend" comment...it's not meant to be sacriligious. Do you read any of Anne Lamot's writing's? She is a Christian...frankly, I am too, just a pissed off one! LOl! She often writes things that make me laugh so hard...like referring to things that are so bad they'd 'make jesus drink gin".... she really make sme laugh. I just finished her latest book while on my spa trip....all about grace. i believe in grace.....just not happy with god, and grace lives without god, IMHO, so that's what's working for me now. I also believe in justice and peace.....both in short supply now.

ugh..i'm on a rant.....i'm going to bed.....

but i do love lamott's work.....anyone else read her?

michele

[misshimstill]

Michele,

I had this whole thing written, and I lost it, I guess because it took me too long to write it. I hadn’t expected to take so long to do it and had written it straight into the little box. I usually write in Word and then copy and paste. This is what I get for not doing that. I’ll try to recap what I wrote.

I haven’t heard of Lamot, but I will look her up on Amazon. I’ve read a lot on grief. I can’t find your original recommendation about her so I can’t remember if she wrote about grief per se or something different, but I’ll look her up.

I really did get a kick out of your comment about “your little friend, god”. I don’t think it upsets God to have us do that. I know that He understands us, why we feel the way we do, etc, because He made us after all. I’m all for the grace and the justice and the peace – also the mercy… I’d be up a creek without a paddle if not for that. Here’s my thinking on the God thing. I understand why people get so angry at Him. I’ve had those occasions myself. But the position I’ve come to is to believe that a lot of what God gets blamed for comes from the other direction, if you get my drift. After all he is the “father of lies” and the origin of everything evil, so I think God gets a bad rap a lot. I guess it’s the whole “power” issue; i.e. if He has so much power why doesn’t He stop the evil in the world? There isn’t a perfectly satisfying answer to that question. I can only say, as per the justice, that all things will be righted some day, and I just have to be content with that and trust Him to always do what is best and right. It gives me some satisfaction to believe that for all the evil done in the world, those people will have to give an accounting for their lives some day, and I don’t think they’ll be getting off very easy at that time.

I will say this, though, that if not for God’s mercy and grace, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It’s true that I’ve had a really rough time of it, as all of you have also, but God has carried me the times when I couldn’t walk (which has been a GREAT deal of the time over the past 4-5 years). Without Him I know I’d be dead (I mean that very literally), so I wind up with only gratitude in my heart for what He has done for me. Again, I know that all things will be righted some day, and I DO long for that day! I long to be reunited with my loved ones and not ever to be separated from them again. Well, that’s just my thinking on the issue. I know others here have different view points, and that’s what I like about coming here.

On a lighter side, I don’t see any reason why Jesus wouldn’t enjoy some gin. We know he drank wine… He even made some, and pretty good stuff from what the people said who drank it. I personally think He would enjoy a good Marguerita, also, since that’s my favorite…

On the Klonopin, I think I would prefer taking it at the low dosage I’m on than the addictive Klonopin. The thing about it is that as you get used to taking a certain amount; then you have to take more to handle the same thing the lower dosage did, which is what has happened to you. It was true of me, also. I used to be able to just take it once in a while. Then I started having to take it more and more.. and more and more. And you end up in a vicious cycle… So even though the Requip has its drawbacks, I feel that for me the positives outweigh the negatives.

As for the traffic in LA and SD, I agree with you that LA has PLENTY of traffic. The problem with Austin is that it has grown from about 400,000 30 years ago when we first moved here to over a million in the entire metroplex currently. The roads and highways were not built for the amount of expansion we’ve had over the last 10-15 years. We’ve got a lot of Californians moving here to get away from the high cost of living and the northerners moving here to get away from the cold, not to mention the high-techers moving here (Austin is called the little silicon valley), and that’s a lot of traffic. As a result people are MAD; they honk, they yell, they cuss, they flip each other off, and Austin’s motto used to be “drive friendly”. So that’s why Paul, my son, says what he does about preferring San Diego’s and LA’s traffic. California was built with expansion in mind, and the traffic just seems to “flow” better. By the way, we will be in San Diego gtom June 16-23 to visit our son. I don’t know if we could arrange a time to get together, but I would love it. If you ever get down here to Georgetown to visit your friends, GT is just a hop, skip and a jump from where I live, so I definitely could arrange to visit with you. Take you to the Oasis on the lake for a Marguerita and fajitas or something… or to Starbucks for a frapachino. I hope we can arrange something in June. That would be great!

Well, thank you to everyone else for allowing us to “chat”. I would like to say that I have been feeling better the last week or so, better than I have so far in the last 4-5 years, and I think that is because of you wonderful ladies. You are so caring and compassionate, and people need to be in a place where they can talk about what they’re feeling without being told to “move on” and “get over it”, etc. This is not to say that I don’t think I’ll fall back again into some of my patterns. I know that this is one of the times of the year when I usually do better, but I feel SOOO much better than I did this time last year. In fact, this time last year I was about to despair of living, even though I had promised God that I wouldn’t do anything myself to make it happen. But I wanted very much to just not have to wake up every morning feeling the way I did. I know every one of you understands what I’m talking about (which is another good thing about all of you – that we don’t have to spend a lot of time “explaining” how we feel – we all just know…).

Have a good day everyone.

Blessings,

Oneta

[aprilmoonflower]

wow, so many posts to catch up on!

Anna- I am soooo jeleous about the orgeon country fair! DH and I always planned to go but never made (he had been before we met). one of these years I will take my kids!

Michele- it sounds like you had a wonderful little getaway!

[rodless]

The books I said I'd post: Quiet Times for those Who Need Comfort by Wright was given to me by a colleague whose 21 yr. old son was killed in a car accident. I treasure that book. I keep it in the side pocket of my Jeep and read it most of the time at the cemetery. Short meditations that have a lot to say..most recently the one of tears is a reread, reread.

The other one is Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Felber. Again, short chapters that speak right to where I am. The one on examining your marriage was great. We were all married to human beings not saints.... although I'm sure Rod came as close as any could (lol!!).... It helped me with the anger I had over being left to deal with the crap while he flew off to heaven. Somedays I really sruggle with that one.

I am not a book buyer...after all I work in a library, but when I do own a book, I not only read it, I use it. Drawings, underlines, comments all over the place. Even my Bible. I like to go back and read what I wrote in the past and see if things are better or worse.

[rodless]

Michele... Annie L. is great. My book discussion group loves her and the Grace book is going around with the girls now. I believe God sticks with us through it all and understands, even when we stray into what some see as an irreverent behavior. Mother's Day was tough with all that sappy sentimentality which my mom eats up big time. Of course, she's almost 80 so that may make a difference, but the pressure to be a wonderful daughter kind of got to me this year. Before I had Rod to laugh it off with. Mary Jo

[misshimstill]

Mary Jo,

I'll look on Amazon for those books. They sound really great. Also will look for the one that Michele mentioned. (I'm a marker-up of books, too - especially my Bible!) Evidently Lamot has written several if I get your drift right. I'll look for them, especially the one on grace. I'm so grateful that God meets us where we are and we don't have to put on a false face with Him. ~Oneta

[lindat]

Oneta, I live near San Diego - in Escondido and work in Oceanside - would love to get together with anyone that wants to. I work days, but I can request time off if I know enough ahead of time. OR, you ladies could come to Red Lobster and I could wait on you

MJ - My mom will be 80 in 2 weeks and I am still staying with them. I have to let her know when I will be home every day and she paces until I get here. I got her a cell phone, OMG HUGH mistake LOL I love her to pieces, but I will sure be glad to be on my own again. I have learned patience. I had forgotten how Terry used to be a buffer with the humor, until you brought it to mind.

I hope everyone had a pleasant Mother's Day - I was exhasted when I got home. We had a very busy day - the busiest day of the year - and the dishwasher broke. 4 hours of washing dishes by hand grrrrr.

I was doing my walk this morning when I got a flashback of the night that Terry died from out of nowhere and instant tears - people driving by probably thought I was nuts. I guess it never ends....

Peace, I am off to work again.

[mishknit]

Oneta..

anne lamott has written several books, vbut there is a trilogy on grace: Travelling mercies, Plan b, and the latest one Grace (eventually). Reading them in order would be cool....although not necessary. the latest one is only in hardback now..brand new, but the others can be had in paperback. they are not grief books, tho there are essays about grief in them.

a grief book i've found particularly helpful is by elizabeth neeld, called seven choices....i keep going back to it and rereading parts of it. I think it's particularly good for women a bit farther along in their grief, but i'm sure anyone would appreciate it, and reread it as they grieve differently over time.

Mary JO....i knew you would know and enjoy anne. There is an interview with her and reading on the borders booksight....really fun to see her in person, tho she seemed exactly as i pictured her...no artifice there. I wish i worked in a library! the books i want to read take forever to get there, or aren't in....I picture you being able to snap them up right away and read to your hearts content. I am so grateful that i can read again, for so long i couldn't concentrate enough....now I can't read enough!

maragarita drinking jesus..my kind of guy! LOL!

michele

[misshimstill]

Michele,

I'll look for the one by Neeld, too. And the others, a trilogy; I'll get all three. I'm like you in that for so long I couldn't read anything over a page long because I couldn't concentrate. I used to read every night (pre-grief) and I would sleep like a baby all night long, but for the last four years have hardly read anything. Guess it's a sign we're getting along that we're able to read again, huh?

What were you talking about to Mary Jo - about the "borders booksite"? Is that like maybe the website for borders books?

I thought you might like the idea of the margarita-drinking Jesus... ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Linda,

I would LOVE to get with you. My son and daughter-in-law actually live in Chula Vista, not too far from Oceanside and Escondido. I remember driving up that way to see the beach once or twice. Aren't they close to La Jolla?? (Is that even spelled right?) Southern CA is SO BEAUTIFUL! I've never been to Hawaii, but I think it must look like the San Diego area. I still remember flying into SD the first time, seeing the little boats in the marina, and then all the flowers along the roadside! Nothing that even compares to that in Texas! (Everything dries up in the summer from the heat and drought!) Maybe you and I and Michele could all three manage to meet somewhere - and anyone else who lives in the area - but NOT at Red Lobster! Wouldn't want you to have to work! Would want to TALK to you! (Although I do love Red Lobster...) Gosh! I just BET you were exhausted after yesterday!

I lived with my parents after Lamar died - for two weeks! Couldn't handle longer than that after having been on my own, even for just 2-1/2 years!

I'm sorry about the flashbacks. Aren't they horrible?! Mine have gotten better-to-nonexistent. Hope yours do the same. I used to get them a lot, but especially on Saturdays because he died on a Saturday afternoon. Sundays were bad, also, especially when I would first wake up. I finally decided it was because it was a Sunday morning when I first woke up without him next to me. Makes me cry right now just thinking about it. Those feelings and memories are so POWERFUL! But, when you think about it, so was the love that we have for such a special man. ~Oneta

[justkaren2]

I get so much from reading all of your posts. "Tom and your little friend, God" cracks me up. I have not been a religious person for a long time, but I am on a search for answers, so my friend is taking me with her to church on Sunday. I want to believe so badly. I think it would give me peace. I have not been able to set my feet in a church in so many years, because every time I do, I become that powerless little girl that was abused in the midst of prayer by my tormentor. I used to believe so powerfully and prayed earnestly: "Please God, let me find that missing sock" Seemed like a small request, but he did not answer, and I have never understood why we are supposed to pray when only some prayers of a selected few are actually answered. I do know this...our souls go somewhere, there is a higher power...and I'm earnestly seeking to obtain the faith that eludes me.

Today, my overwhelming emotion is fear. I'm afraid that I will always be alone. That I will become one of those lonely old ladies with a gazillion cats to keep her company.

The tattoo thing...I thought about getting one just to piss Richard off...lol. He hated tattoos, and I have never desired to have one before...but I am so mad at him. You see, girls, he WAS still seeing his old girlfriend. I do not know in what context. He was a caring man and loyal and always kept in contact with old girlfriends because he cared about them. But he lied to me. He specifically told me that he had not talked to her in many months, yet his exwife told me he was with her on the Monday before he died. I fantacize that he was meeting her to tell her that he was going to marry me, because that is what he told me the day before. His exwife did come up to me after the ceremony to tell me that she was sorry that she hurt me and that Richard loved me deeply. So I don't know what to make of all of this.

Thank you for posting, thank you for your wisdom. It helps me more than you can know.

Karen

[misshimstill]

Karen,

Thank you for posting again. I’m very glad you get anything that helps you from reading our (sometimes) rantings, a lot of tears, sometimes anger, and a lot of questions with very few answers, but also of our faith in the midst of it all. I’m glad you can see some humor in some of our remarks. (Look, Michele, how much mileage we’re getting from that “irreverent” little comment! Smile…)

You have some very deep questions that are not easily answered. I guess no one’s are… But I know that God hears your questions and knows you are seeking the truth, and He is a rewarder of those who earnestly seek Him. It is a horrible thing to feel powerless. I think one of the greatest words that has come out of recent counseling is “empowering”. I hope through talking to us you might begin to feel more empowered. If you feel like sharing more deeply, I would like to hear about your “tormentor”. But even without hearing more, I can tell you that God did see you and He wept for you in the midst of your abuse. He wants to heal you, in more ways than one. He wants to come to you to help you. Are you a reader? There is a little book called “Letters to a Skeptic” by Gregory Boyd, a series of letters written to his unbelieving father before his father’s death that might help answer some of your questions.

I’m very sorry that you are feeling so much fear. I don’t believe that God wants you to remain alone for the rest of your life. I also believe that He wants to come to you to comfort you NOW if you can open your heart up to Him even the least little bit. I know that’s hard to do because of your past hurts, but I think you would find it helpful to do that. God does see you in your pain and is compassionate to you.

I still wouldn’t attach too much weight to what the ex-wife says to you. You are right that you don’t know the context in which he was seeing this other woman… IF he was in truth seeing her that day. But if he did not tell you the truth, maybe it was his intention to tell you at a later time. And maybe he was doing what you are thinking – going to tell her how he felt about you. His ex did tell you that he loved you deeply. I would take that at face value and not question it any longer. It is interesting that you say he kept in touch with his ex-girlfriends because he was a compassionate person and did not want to hurt them. That is a good thing. I know it is hurtful that he may have lied to you about it, but it is good that he was a caring and compassionate person. I don’t think, from what you say, that he was seeing them to be unfaithful to you.

Please keep coming back here and talking. It will help you more than you know. Praying for you to find that “peace” that you are so desperately seeking.

Blessings,

Oneta

[armaiti]

Karen - I'm going to say something here that I hope doesn't offend anyone - if you don't find what you are looking for in church, there are many other pathways to the Divine that might be helpful to you. I have friends that are Buddhist, pagan, Christian, Sufi, Sikh, Hindu - all who weren't born to these paths but found their faith there. I follow the Sufi path and the Red Road/Native path, both are pretty compatible with each other (two of my Red Road teachers are Sufis as well as being part Indian from different tribes, and both were students of my beloved Ishaq). I don't know your background or your belief system, or what you are open to, but I have found that being in nature is my church, that I see Creator (or Great Spirit - God -Goddess - Allah - Yahweh- whatever name us used isn't so important) - in everything around me and it brings me peace. There is still beauty in the world and I feel Ishaq is part of that beauty. And nature is an integral part of both my spiritual practices and beliefs and teachings. (I'm not saying to try to become Indian, though there are many Indian people who are now open to teaching non-native people their ways, and for all I know you may be part Indian, I don't know your background, so I apologize if I am overstepping any boundries here.)

I tend to ask Ishaq for things, signs and dreams, rather than Creator. In many Native traditions you aren't supposed to pray for yourself, but only others, or pray for yourself last. The idea being that Creator already knows what you need. (and like the Rolling Stones song, it's not always want you want). And in the Sufi tradition, we have certain prayers that we say in our practices, and then other practices to help us with difficulties and issues in life as well.

And there are lots of different churches now too, lots of different belief systems within each one.

There is a saying that there are many paths to the Divine, and I hope you will be able to find the one that is right for you.

Blessings,

Anna

[cnpjrs4e]

Karen its great that you are seeking God now, maybe not the situation you wanted to find him in, but its great that you are seeking him. I know for fact that he will guide you and lead you if you only ask. He does care about us and loves us, and he may not give us what we ask for, but it does not mean he does not care. None of us ask for this, but he will bring you through it.

[ripzuck]

I'm relatively new to this site, though have been reading for a while. Oneta did answer one of my posts and noticed one about dreams.

I'd like to share the activiites thatI am able to do that I couldn't do before I completed that one year journey of grief, so beautifully described by Anna. April 17 12:35 A.M., my oldest duaghter's birthday completed a year for me and now I'm able to:

1. sit on my deck which my husband had built the fall before his death . I loved so relaxing with him after a day of work.If he were home, I would always call him to join me. I just couldn't enjoy it alone until the year passed.

2 the exercise bike, the night he died suddenly and unexpectedly vitually in my arms, I had done 11 miles on the bike shortly before. I have problems with my ankles and knees from childhood and the bike is quite strengthening. I'm able to do it again as of last week. I almost gave it away because the association with that evening was so trumatic.

3. I am also reading more , but still can only read non- fiction whereas I used to love to lose myself in good ficitonal literary novels. But my concentration is better for sure.

4. I'm planning a spa vaction with my youngest daughter this summer before she starts graduate school at Cal Arts. Maybe the Grand Canyon? Up until now, I could only take trips to visit family in familiar territory.

My heart is still broken and my husband is forever in my dreams. Wish I had some of Anna's wisdom in this arena. But new joys are filling new spaces.

Thank you ladies for listening and just being here in such a,generous, caring, perceptive capacity. Michele, who I discovered on another site, told me about the diversity and wisdom here.

Rita from the Hudson Valley. Any ladies out there who are in this area 70 miles north of Manhattan?

[mishknit]

i rita!

anna...i don't think you need worry about offending anyone here. there are some who have strong beliefs, some who have weak beliefs, and some who have no beliefs...that's what i love about this bb. I have learened so much from you, and oneta, and others....we do what we can , believe what we do, and all is subject to change, just like our lives. In the blink of an eye. I find myself taking things from all who post here, altho i guess i'm sort of a christian.....my ancestor table is lovely anna!

thnak god for this bb which allows us to be our own selves, to not foist our beliefs on another, but gently alude to them, and which supports us so totally in our grief.

I am feeling particularly sad today..not sure why..just really missing tom. one of those days, i guess.

peace,

michele

[misshimstill]

Ripzuck,I'm glad to hear from you again. It is obvious that you are following our conversations even though you haven't actually spoken yourself. You have been making a lot of progress during this past year, as I can see from the list of things you are able to do now that you have been unable to do in the past several months. There does seem to be "something" about crossing that year mark that most of us can testify to. For me the most important thing in continuing to make progress is to not be afraid to investigate my emotions. For me, avoiding how I was really feeling was a devastating mistake and led me only to denial, which cannot lead to healing in my opinion. I applaud your progress made during this year. Hang in there. You'll make it! It's SOOOO hard to go on without that special person in our lives, but as long as we continue to breathe we give testimony to the influence of them in our lives.

Michele, So sorry this has been one of "those days". I sure know the feeling. I know everyone who visits these pages does.

Anna, not offensive at all.

C4, good to hear from you again.

It is good for all of us to keep ourselves open to hear what God would be saying to us in our time of grief. As we look to Him we will continue to grow. We're all looking for peace, which is part of what makes us human. For me, I couldn't possibly find true peace any other path than God because He embodies peace and life and truth. He will reveal Himself to any and all who truly seek Him with all their hearts. This is true health and true life.

Blessings to all,

Oneta

[missinmyhubby]

Hello all....I am reading like mad to catch up on the postings. I missed yesterdays, and todays, due to me being out of town to see my friend!!! Totally awesome time...will tell more later.

I have posts to respond to but one particular one was from Anna...

Anna...I am highly allergic to animals and have never been able to get close enough to grow a super bond with a pet. I know that people have strong feelings for pets and they become a member of the family. I just wanted to say I am very sorry for not acknowleding that very idea on Mother's Day for you...

Please except the apology and to all of you pet owners...Happy Belated Mother's Day to you as well!!!!

[missinmyhubby]

Anaciris - Regarding the posting of your questions on the tatoo...

I am one of the ladies who has remarried, and I have the most supportive man I know of today...as others have said...he is a JEWEL in every sense of the word!!! There are times when questions like yours come up that I read the post to him and we discuss the issue. (I love discussions like this.) Most of the time we both have very similar beliefs on the answers. I really enjoy that he talks to me about how he feels as the husband of a widow. Anyway, when I read your post regarding getting a tatoo with his name, I immediately turned to my husband of today and said, "how about this one..." After reading it all to him, it led into a very deep conversation. His initial response was that your friends may be right, that having to see your loved ones name on a regular basis might prove to be awkward. I asked him why he thought that, that I had a different view point, but would present mine when he was finished. To be completely frank about it, it would probably be most noticeable during times of intimacy with a new partner, since most women don't put tatoos on their forearms. So, he thought that that may be the reason for such discomfort with the idea of seeing another man's name on your body. He had also mentioned the idea of just putting the tatoo there with no name added. When he was finished I had my turn. My first statement was this...I have always thought it silly to tatoo anyone's name on ones body, because one day that relationship may dissolve and then the person wearing it has a constant reminder. However, in the situation of loosing a loved one, to me, is not the same. There is no "break up" involved and the tatoo is a way of honoring the person you love. I then proceeded to ask him why he thought a tatoo would be so bad when infact he has a constant reminder on a daily basis, and that is my daughter. He answered with, "yes, but his NAME is not there as a constant reminder." The only time it is there for him is when I say her full name, which is not on a daily basis. (Usually when we are dealing with legal documents or I, as her mother, uses it in times of reprimand...lol) Of course my next response was, "she is more than a name written, she is half of him...body, blood, and flesh." But of course I can understand what he is saying. She is a living part of him, but on a daily basis he is not reminded of him through her as I am. He also said he could see my side of it when I put it in that light. Anyway, the conversation took some different paths...all good, and then came back to the main topic..your tatoo with his name. I did ask him how often he noticed my tatoo. He said, "Daily." I said, "You look at it daily and actually NOTICE it, or do you just see it because it is there?" He said, "No, I notice it." My tatoo is half of the ying yang sign with a rose going through it. I have the white half with the black dot and my bestfriend from my childhood has the black side with the white dot and the same exact rose. The meaning for us is one without the other and we are not complete. (Yes, she is still one of my dearest friends) Anyway, I said, "Okay, without this being a test of any kind, what color of the ying yang side do I have, the black or the white side?" He answered, "Hmmmmm" (poor man, we all know they are not as observant as us women) "the black side." I pulled up my shirt and showed it to him....I have the white side as I said above. I told him again, the point was not to quiz YOU, but to simply state a point. When all was said and done, he explained that he was viewing it from maybe another man's perspective that might not be as open as he is. He then said, "But, if she feels this strongly about honoring him in this way, and if she chooses another mate in the future to be that close with, then he will accept it as a part of her. If not, then maybe he is not the right one." I know that was a lengthy way to get to what I am about to say. Your beliefs are yours alone. Not everyone is going to agree with you. (Some don't even believe in tatoos at all.) I personally thougt it was a very loving gesture, and may just go do the same thing. I have always wanted to get another tatoo and had thought about making it the same Taz that he had. But, I never even thought about putting his signature under it...too cool! Anyway, if that is a decision you make, you are the one who has to be happy with it. Should you meet another man someday and he asks about it and freaks out, then I believe he is truly not accepting of ALL of you, including the part of your life that should never have to be dismissed. Can YOU deal with that? Nobody can truly answer that but you. I had a man who was very uncomfortable with my children or I talking of my DH. I tried very hard to see his side of things on every other issue than this. My children needed to speak of him and so did I. It bothered me tremendously that he was unable to cope with this. In one way the demise was very unfortunate, as I really did care for him. But in another, it was very fortunate, as a result I have this wonderful man in my life now that accepts me in ALL ways, including the love I have and always will have for my DH. The other ladies have a good point, maybe there is a way to "test the waters" for you to see how you feel about it. However, you will not truly know what another man will think until/if that time comes. Anyway, I am kind of babbling now, but I think you get my perspective on it...which is just that, my own personal perspective. I think I just wrote this the other day on another topic, but he will accept you for you, and ALL of you, or KICK 'EM TO THE CURB, and move on....LOLOL.

Laurra - I am so sorry you are hurting so bad right now. I think the first year is hard, the second harder, and the third harder yet. It meant more time was passing by and the distance between us and our life together hear on earth was getting even greater. Acceptance of that though has started to set in for me as I approach my fourth year in August. No matter what I do, every year that seperation will just get bigger and bigger. But, every year, I am getting stronger and stronger and stronger.

BTW - want to talk about signs!! I have not seen any lately to indicate he is still with me. As I was talking to Hubby of today about the tatoo the second computer in our room was off, turned on by itself, and then shutdown. My hubby asked if that was the kids computer and then said what the hell was that for? I smiled real big, he smiled at me, shook his head, and then kept on talking about the tatoo topic. That was just awesome!!!! I miss him.

Blessing and BIG (((HUGS))) to all!!!

Angel

[cnpjrs4e]

Hey all

So it is now 3 weeks since my Jay passed away. Last week I ws feeling pretty decent, but this week is a little harder. I think last week was so much easier because I was taking zanax. Now I am not because I can't go the rest of my life on those things. I don't so much cry a lot, it just stings really bad. Sometimes I feel like I just got knocked on my butt pretty hard and I fight just to stand up. I actually joined a gym last night. I have barely enough energy to go to work and sit yet when I started working out something came over me and I was full of energy to burn. Kinda crazy, but it made me feel better. I also bought a porch swing that can lay into a bed, so I sit outside at night just reading and looking into the sky. I feel so alone, like nobody in the world feels the way I do, but I know each one of you feel the same way. Everyone assumes I am fine because I am exsisting and walking through my day, but I am dying inside. I have to fight those awful pictures in my head on Jay in the hospital with all those stupid machines hooked up to him. That is NOT how I want to remember him so I try to block those thoughts out. Well I hope all of you are doing well. This is a great place for me to let all my feelings out, so thank you all for listening.

Courtney

[armaiti]

Courtney- I know that one about seeing them in the hospital...even though I believe Ishaq's spirit left while he was on the river, they still worked on his body for several hours before declaring him gone. I was there for the whole time he was in the hospital, and it was hard to have my memory go back to that place. I try to just superimpose a good image over that one..of us together, with him alive. In the beginning I also would see him as my friend and teacher had dressed him for cremation. (this being a ceremony which - if a person can feel comfortable doing it - makes a huge difference...to dress him ourselves, smudge him with sage and so ceremony and prayers made a huge difference to me. I wouldn't have wanted to leave that to strangers. But this is just my way of doing things)

I've been taking my coffee and breakfast outside now for the the past two mornings and soaking up the sun in the backyard. I have a fountain I got at a scratch and dent sale at TJ Maxx that makes a very soothing sound, and the cats all come around an hang out. I planted a couple of tomato plants today and a bunch of flowers in one part of the garden; slowly it's coming together. I ate my first peas yesterday, and put a bowl of them on Ishaq's altar, though I'll cook them up today for dinner. I think being outside and getting all that sun and fresh air really helps.

I set up another online store at Zazzle.com (http://www.zazzle.com/armaiti/products) and someone just bought 11 of one of my designs (I wonder if they have some sort of team or something?) So that was validating.

I keep doing genealogy research trying to find more about my heritage (my dad was adopted, but he didn't tell me this until he was 70 and both adoptive parents and his blood mother, who he knew who she was, had died). I think I may have found records of my great-grandmother on the Cherokee Dawes rolls, though I may never be able to prove conclusively that the two are one and the same, it seems like it's very possible. And it makes sense - my great-grandmother was listed as only 1/16 Cherokee, so my grandmother, who they said was very blond and Germanic looking, might not have shown any physical traits that showed she was Indian. Whereas my dad was born blond, but got very dark, with black hair and blue eyes. It skips around too, my younger cousins look very Native. This would make me only 1/128 Cherokee, but they are one of the tribes that don't have a blood quantum - if you have Cherokee blood, you are considered Cherokee. So I've been reading some Cherokee lore and writers. I'm really enjoying "Voices of Our Ancestors" by Dhyani Ywahoo, which is aimed at all people, not Indian. Her teachings resonate with me a lot.

I really wanted to find out more about who "I" am, since "I" was defined in one way when Ishaq was alive, and now I'm having to define myself in a different way.

Hope you all have some peace today,

Anna

[anaciris]

Thank you all for the tattoo opinions. I think in the end I will go with what my heart tells me to do, which is to add the name in small font like a tiny signature. The last time I listened to it, my heart told me to go be with him in the hospital the day before he died though I should have gone to work, and I don't regret being with him that whole time through his passing.

Yesterday and today were very hard days for me. We met with the probate lawyer yesterday and today we visited where he worked. By we I mean his family and I who have been wonderful at welcoming me and keeping me involved in all that they do. It is still had for me to believe he is not here and that all of this happened. The next two days will be even harder as we are meeting with malpractice attorneys to discuss options given the misdiagnosis that led to his untimely death. I think going over that last week of his life again and again will my break my heart, not that I don't think of it day after day.

Reading the posts here make me think I am at least not alone and not being crazy to feel this way. I tried to explain to my family what he meant, aside from being the man I loved and how he was that piece of happiness in the midst of all the other crap, for lack of a better word, that I deal with daily. I don't think they understood that, but I feel at least I tried to point it out to them.

Well I feel a lot of tears coming on so I will stop writing for now.

[misshimstill]

Courtney,

That feeling of being alone is a horrible part of grief. I can remember feeling that way, and at the same time wondering why the world didn’t just END since MY world had ended. It didn’t seem right that everyone else was going on with their lives when mine seemed to have come to a grinding halt. That, I think, is part of feeling so alone.

It’s nice that you’re able to find some good time out under the stars at night, just trying to reorient yourself . It might help with the grieving as you do that.

I also had memories and pictures in my head of the day Lamar died, at home where he actually died and also at the hospital when he was taken by ambulance to the ER. The whole thing can be a nightmare, but one you unfortunately never wake up from. But those memories and pictures in my mind have gradually been replaced with happier memories. The same will happen with you more than likely.

Anna, I love fountains. They are so soothing. I’ve been thinking of getting one, too, but I haven’t really decided what I should get.

Genealogy work is very interesting work. I’ve done a little bit and enjoyed it. By the video of you and Ishaq, you seem more than just 1/128 Indian. I come from Oklahoma where the Cheyenne/Arapaho were strong. My brother’s daughter-in-law is part Indian, and in Oklahoma if you are even the tiniest bit Indian you are considered the same as full-blooded and are eligible for many grants for school, etc. I don’t know if it is that way in the rest of the country of not.

Anaciris, I’m glad you have been able to make a decision about the tattoo that you feel at peace with. It’s good that his family is being so sweet and inclusive of you in their grief. Not all families are like that, as several on this board can testify to. Most of all, you are not alone and you are not crazy for feeling the things you do (or if you are then ALL of us are crazy, too).

I’ve had a sick granddaughter with me for the last four or five days. We couldn’t decide it she had a viral infection or if some of the stress in her little life is getting the best of her. The doctor said it could be either one… or both. I’ve spent most of the last several days on the couch holding her. Gotta get back to her now. She’s watching Sponge Bob (which I hate, but it keeps her happy and less attached to me for a short time). Blessings and a good night to everyone. ~Oneta

[scottslove]

Courtney, The hospital scene seems to be the first thing that your mind has to work through. Even if you knew the person forever it seems like the hospital is what goes over and over in your mind, at first especially. Maybe it's because it's the last memory you had with him. But personally ,I think, it's because it's so tramatic, no matter what the circumstance. My Scott had his stroke July 13th, 10 months ago and died July 23. And I know it is hard to let go of what happened at the end. I have found that with time I have been able to push some of that out, sometimes any way. But than sometimes I'm back to going over it in minute detail, back to should haves and what ifs. I think sometimes when our minds get tired enough of the circles we go round and round in, we sort of rest it for awhile. What I'm trying to say is that I think in time, after your mind has gone over it and over it enough, your biggest memories will be the life you lived with him not the end of that life.So try to let it work through at your own pace.

I think the reason people think your fine is because unless you'be been here you can't begin to know what it really means. I found in the beginning I tried to explain but than you realize there are no adequit words. They need to invent a new word for, absolutly devastatedly heartsick. People tend to think your suppose to move on. They mean well but you know it just tells you that they've never been here. So I try to just tell myself I'm glad they don't understand because that means they haven't experienced it. That's why this site is such a blessing because here you don't have to try and discribe everyone already knows. My sister told me "People do move on and find happiness" What she doesn't understand and I'm glad that she doesn't is that you don't really move on, atleast not that I can see. You simply find a way to continue on and survive.Many people do eventually find happiness. But I think it's not because you get over, it's because we have a life that we must live. It will forever remain I believe in our heads and certainly in our hearts. But has time goes on I think it becomes more a part of who we are instead of something we are experiencing in the present. It occures to me that people think when someone dieds it's the end. But thats just the beginning for those who love them. Its the beginning of working through more pain and sorrow than many of us ever thought we'd survive and that isn't done in a day or three weeks as in your case or 10 months as in mine. I don't know how long it takes because I haven't gotten there yet.

Personally I know with out an absolute belief in God and knowing that one day I will have My Scott back again I couldn't have survived this far

Anyway sorry this got long. I know your in pain and I'm sorry believe me I understand.

[mishknit]

Scottslove,

you expressed yourself so eloquently in your post, thank you. and, i know that even as clearly as you spoke, most people cannot understand. I, too try and give people a lot of slack..particularly those that are close to me...they don't understand, and i'm glad they don't. Now...clueless dolts, well...even then i try and be clear as possible, so maybe they won't say soemthing stupid again.

anacris..sounds like you made the best decision, let us know how it looks.

Courtney..i can't agree more with what the other women have said, little by little the pictures in your head will change. it's been almost 16 months for me, and, while I can call up the picture memory of tom in the er at any time, it doesn't live there, if you know what i mean. i attended tom's cremation too, and that is an image that is so much better fro me....he looked so beautiful and peaceful. When the er comes up, i replace it with the cremation, and then it flows to him laughing or smiling, and i'm better.

it will change, but it will take time.

peace, michele

[lauraa]

Thank you all for replying to my post. Tomorrow is our 3rd anniversary of losing the love of my life. I have been sad all month. I think it is all the stress that was around this time of year in 04'.

When we married, Two became one and the day he passed on, I have felt just half whole......I think it will always feel that way for me. He was all I knew and all I had.....I miss him with every fiber of my being.

Thank you all for your support. I pray and think of all of you daily.

[sidvis]

Dear Scottslove, your post was so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. How lucky we all are that you are posting here. I am at the 19 month mark and I can say that I have accepted my husbands death and accepted that my life will never be the same. I am starting a new "volume" in my life's journey. I pray for all of you to reach this point. Forget? Never. Go forward? Always. By the grace of God, I am moving forward with hope. Peace to you today.

[misshimstill]

I have wanted to reply to so many of you over the past few days, but having my granddaughter home sick has kept me busier than usual.

I add my voice to all of yours and say that I have also found true what Scottslove says so eloquently about people not understanding what we’re going through. It’s good – for them – that they don’t understand because it means they haven’t been through what we are going through, but it’s bad for us because we have very few people we can talk to and even TRY to unburden ourselves with. This lack in my life has made me even more confused about what I should or should not be feeling, more lonely, and I think it has made the process of deep grieving last longer. Like one of you (sorry, I don’t remember who it was) said last week, it would help so much if there was a manual out there on how to grieve, but maybe people are just now learning how to grieve. I have said so many times what you all are saying about moving on… there is no such thing. Someone I read a couple of years ago said that instead of “moving on”, we are forever changed by the experience, and like Scottslove says, it becomes a part of who we are or redefines who we are. I know that as I only begin after all this time to come through this experience of grief, I am finding that I’m not the same person who began the journey several years ago. Scottslove is again so right that it is just the beginning for us, the beginning of the discovering who we are now without this person in our lives, the beginning of working through the sorrow – more sorrow than I at times even believed I could feel and continue to live (and wished I didn’t have to), and definitely can’t be done in a few weeks or months as people so often believe. I read on some grief website, of all places, that "normal" grieving could be processed in about 6 months! For me it’s been 34 years and guess what? It’s not done yet. I now know that it is a lifelong process. Now who but someone who has been in our shoes would ever believe that? I echo those of you who have said that only the grace of God gets me through each day and tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that.

Laura, I know what a difficult time you are having with the anniversary. I started on this board because it was Lamar’s and my 37th wedding anniversary, and anniversaries are always difficult. They have so many memories attached to them. The happy anniversaries have good memories attached to them, but evoke sadness because we can never build any more happy memories with this person we loved so much in life and continue to love even though they are gone from us. The sad anniversaries also add to the sadness, naturally, because we often relive those last weeks, days or moments we had with him. It’s horribly sad, sadder than anyone can even imagine, but we’re all here for each other and that’s a comfort to me and I know to all of you, too. Yes, the two become one, and when half is gone it leaves only half – I’ve found for the rest of our lives, even if we “move on” and remarry or become involved in another meaningful relationship. There’s a Karen Carpenter song that I love to listen to that has a line that says something like “I knew you were all I’d ever need” or something like that, and that sums up how I felt then and feel even today, even though I’m happily remarried. It’s still true because when I met Lamar, that was what I believed – that he was the only person I’d ever need or want. His death doesn’t change that I felt that way about him. His death only changes the fact that I’ve been forced to continue living without him. So anniversaries, even the good ones, are bitter-sweet for us now.

Blessings to each of you throughout the day. ~Oneta

[scottslove]

mishkit and sidvis,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel very blessed to have found all of you on this site. I really have no one to talk to about any of this and to have people who not only understand but a place where I am able to say all of these feelings has great meaning for me.

Scott and I were not married (very long and involved story)

We had know each other since we were 4 and 5 some 45 years ago. And when he walked back into my life this time we said we were never letting go. It's hard to put into words but I had felt my whole life that something was missing, kind of an emptyness. I never knew what it was. I had gone through other relationships before, loved before all of that but it was as if I was looking for something that I couldn't quite find. When Scott found me again I finally understood that it was him, he was what had been missing. He said he had always known, that we were soulmates. that he had felt this way his whole life. We were determined to make up for lost time. We could still grow old together he would say. A day or 2 before his stroke I was driving down the street and got this feeling that something terrible was going to happen to him that we would never get those years together. We had an odd relationship that way, some sort of connection like a sixth sense about each other or something. (No doubt many of you have experienced this sort of thing also) Anyway I was online with him when he said he was having a hard time talking, I knew immediatly he was having a stroke. He had had a minor one a number of years ago. From that moment online, I knew he wouldn't make it. Even though the doctors said he would. Even though everyone else thought he would. I just knew he wouldn't.

At one time during our relationship when I was going through a particularly difficult time. He told me what he believed I was feeling, and I said how do you know that ? and he said the same way we know everything about the other one I just do. Anyway when he died I thought now I will go back to empty but I realize I'm not empty because I don't wonder anymore what it was I was looking for I know I finally found it.Now I just try to do the best I can here and look to be with him again one day when there is no more sorrow, or loss, or goodbyes. I am probibly the most anxious person (who is not suicidal) to die of anyone I know. Last night I found myself telling my 18 year old daughter something I thought I'd never hear myself say. I told her when you find who you want to spend your life with it should be someone who shares your belief in God, someone who understands the things you want to be and do and who supports you, of course it should be a good person and than so unlike the old me I said and he should complete you, you should feel like he is the other half of you. You see I use to think words like soulmate and other half were nonscience untill Scott woke me up to all of those truths. Anyway I've taken enough of your time up here. thank you so much for listening.

[justamom]

Good Morning ladies, I have been trying to think of how to word what I want to say for a bit now - I hope that I can say it without sounding wierd, stupid, whatever... Yesterday was 16 months for me. I made it almost the whole day without really "thinking" about it, to me that is moving on. I want to move on. I don't want to be stuck in my grief forever. I want to find peace, happiness and love again. I think you can have more than one true love, more than one soul mate and I want that. I think God will give me that. I thank God everyday for the 15 years that I had with Steve and for making me a mom, which is the most important role in my life now. He added to who I am but he did not make me who I am. I do not feel like I am half of a person, I do feel like a person who has lost a very important relationship in my life. But I have hope. I am open to any and all opportunities that life has to offer. I want to move on. I am. My children have just made it through a whole school year with out their dad - they have moved on. We are planning our summer without him and we are going to have alot of fun. I am going to go to grad school next year. We are moving on. I will never forget the relationship that I had with my husband and it sets the bar for any future relationships that I may have and I know that he would want me to move on he doesn't want me to grieve for years and years he wants me to live life to it's fullest potential. I do beleive that he is right beside me holding my hand and pushing me on. God gives me the strength and he gives me the encouragement and I do it all to be the best person that I can be. My 2 cents.

Lisa

[misshimstill]

Scottslove,

That is a beautiful story of you and Scott. (You are NOT taking up our time! Besides, we've all written extensively about our loves...) I'm very happy for you that you finally found that missing ingredient in your life. Yes, there is such a thing as soulmate and that perfect one for you. I used to think that was silly, too, but now know it isn't. I think the ones who think it is silly are just the ones who haven't found that person. I am truly sorry that after you finally rediscovered each other you didn't get the opportunity to "grow old together". I, too, regret that about my husband. I, like you, am VERY eager to die and be with my love. It's been SO LONG since I've seen him - over 34 years - and I look forward to that day when we are reunited, too. I also long for that place where there will be no more sad farewells, no more tears, no more unfullfilled longing. I hope your daughter listens to your wise words to her. I pray for comfort that surpasses all comfort be given to you today. Blessings, Oneta

[scottslove]

Oneta, I agree with you it does make it lonely because people don't understand. I really haven't talked to many people about it but I find when you do there ability to support you is very short lived. I bet this has really been difficult for you because of the years that have past. Who ever wrote 6 months could never have lost someone they love. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel. How can you help your emotions. I would imagine as years go by there will be a million times (maybe even everyday like I experience now) That we can't help but feel that life is lonelier because he is not here to share it with. How could anyone who has loved deeply not feel the absense of that person forever even it our life has mooved foreward, as it must somehow. I know I will ache for Scott as long as I am seperated from him. That's just the way it is. Something I read said, At first you hate everyday that goes by because it is another day that seperates you. But everyday that goes by is also another day closer to getting to him, I try to hang onto that.

[scottslove]

justamom, I think it's wonderful that you are feeling better. Of course you want to have a life and find happiness. I didn't mean to imply there is no such thing. I'm just trying to say that it is always a part of you, not that you shouldn't find anything beyond it. I too am a Mom and my children are one of the reasons I know I'm still meant to be here. Peace I think is what I'm trying to get to, I think happiness comes beyond that.

[anaciris]

Today has been particularly hard for me. The thoughts of wanting to die and just end it all feel like they are getting stronger and the loneliness just grows. I keep staring at the sleeping pills in my nightstand every morning wondering if I should just take them all and go to sleep. I have found that it's been barely 6 weeks and those people that were willing to listen to me have slowly stopped and don't seem able to do it anymore. I don't blame them as I am no ray of sunshine and no one I know (being all young) have ever experienced this, nor do I wish them to. I feel very much alone in all this and wonder what is the point. The thought of moving on makes me sick to my stomach, as does almost everything nowadays. I hope this makes sense to some of you because aside from the therapist I say maybe once or twice a week there is not much where to turn it seems as the days keep coming one after another. Am I insane for wanting to die so badly to just end the pain that I know I will feel forever? It doesn't seem to get better just worse and even when I think I am doing better I find that's when I get the saddest because I want to share something good with him. I was very unhappy before meeting him and he was the happiest part of my life and the one thing i looked forward to every day. There doesn't seem much to look forward to now aside from just going back to being unhappy.

[armaiti]

Anaciris - I think we have all felt the way you do at one time or another in this process - I know I have. And it's true that people drift off...most of the people who were so attentive in the beginning have stopped calling or asking after me, though I have several very close friends who were also close to Ishaq so we talk often of him and what's going on.

Where you live, are there any grief groups that meet, where you might find some other people that have gone through this? It might take some searching, but maybe there's a group out there that could be a support for you. It sounds like you need more support than just us here and your therapist. Just having someone who understands to go out and take a walk with can help immensely.

My own personal belief is that suicide isn't an answer, that we would take with us the terrible grief of that action into the next phase of existence. My mother committed suicide and when I went to spend the night up at the house with my father, I felt her spirit that night and she was NOT a happy spirit. She scared me because she was so scared and panicked in her new form. For years I didn't understand that until the night of Ishaq's passing, when I first felt surrounded by his spirit, and it was pure love, and peace, and happiness. I then understood the difference of how taking your own life or living until death takes you creates a vibration and pattern for our next steps in our new forms.

I worked in circles and with a friend who is a psychic for a long time to try to help my mother's spirit rest.

And if you are having really strong feelings like this, call your therapist. If she has any ethics she will schedule you in right away or talk to you right away because this is a BIG thing you are feeling. Keep writing to us here, we are here to support you.

Peace,

Anna

[rodless]

Anaciris, please listen to what Anna says. It is very wise.

Sidvis & Lisa, I thought your posts were right on. We need to move on, knowing that our loved one will always be a part of who we are. Somedays it's easier to do that than others! It was a year from today that Rod went into the hospital. Last night I went out to the cemetery - beautiful night with lots of stars - because it was the anniversary of the last night we were home together and slept in the same bed. I think it was a milestone. He won't come back and I need to start looking forward if I ever want to get through this.

I read another book Lament for a Lost Son which really spoke volumes to me about regrets, emptiness and God's mercy. I would recommend it to anyone who is grieving. My pastor gave it to me but I am going to buy a copy so that I can underline etc.

Peace to all... Mary Jo

[missyouhoney811]

Hello to everyone - I am so happy I cancelled the trip to Vegas with my neighbors. As of this morning David (who would have been the driver) is in the hospital and will have heart surgery in the morning. Judy (the wife) tries not to sound upset but all us on this site know that trip. I told her I would be here for her no matter what time she comes home tonight. So I must have known before David had the chest pain. In the back of my mind I was concerned about him driving that distance because he did have heart surgery two years ago. I am glad the pain in his chest happened now instead of while he was behind the wheel of the vehicle. You never know.

Everyone will be in my prayers.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[misshimstill]

Where to start???

Anaciris: Please listen to the voices of wisdom that are pleading with you to not end your life in this way. You are in trememdous pain, which we all can relate to because there probably isn’t a one of us who hasn’t been tempted to do what you are being tempted to do, but ending you life in this way isn’t the answer. There can be healing of the pain, and you can even go on to live a fulfilled life, but you have to press through the pain to get there. I’m praying for you.

To all the women out there who may have misunderstood what I’ve said in my last few posts: I believe there can be a good life for people who have experienced the depth of pain and loss that we have experienced. I believe there can be love again. What I’ve said about being one with someone and when they are gone only being half - is what I feel, but all of you may not feel that way. This is something, in fact, that I have never told anyone that I know except you ladies because I have found here people who feel this same way. For years I have been in such silence about my grief that it is just good to be able to express what I feel without being censured or rebuked for not “having the right attitude”. (I am not implying I feel censured or rebuked here… I am concerned, actually, about discouraging any of you as you work through your pain.) As many have said here, we all experience our grief in different ways, but also in similar ways. Some of us are having trouble “moving on” and have been made to feel by society or friends or family that we haven’t done it quickly enough. I know that has been true in my case. I even quoted Gloria Vanderbilt a couple of weeks ago, speaking of the suicide death of her son, that "closure has no meaning for her". This, too, is true of me. Some of us may have worked through our pain and grief and be in a position of being ready to move on, and that is WONDERFUL!!! I actually envy you, in a manner of speaking. But that’s just not where I am. I hope no one has been offended or slowed down in their own grief process by the things I have said about how I feel. This may just be me, but I think there are probably a few others “out there” who feel this way, too. I have learned in my 55 years of living on this planet that there is no human emotion that is not felt by SOMEONE else on the planet… SOMEWHERE. Again, I offer my apologies to anyone who has felt discouraged by my expressions of the pain I have felt and still, to some degree, feel even today. The lesson I’ve learned through my experience, which may be somewhat different from what others have learned in theirs, is never again to live as though I don’t feel what I feel. That, for me, has been YEARS of denial, and having come out of denial, I am unwilling or unable to go back there.

When I remarried, even though I was very much "in love" - yes, actually in love with my new husband, I still felt strange to be in a new relationship. I didn't have the vocabulary at that time to express what I felt, and I had no one to talk to about how I felt, so I figured I must be just imagining things or that I would "get over it" in time. That has not been the case. I have not "gotten over it" and at this point in my life I doubt if I ever will. When I married my first husband, I pledge him my whole being, to love him for the rest of my life. I know the words are "til death do us part", but in my heart it was "for the rest of my life" - not really ever thinking that he would die first or die so soon. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all... I may just be babbling... but at any point, I'll try to express my self. When he died only 2-1/2 years later, though I was released from my vows of marriage by law and (to me most importantly) Bibically, I was not released in my heart, and isn't that the most important part? Lamar and I often said to each other in the weeks before we were married that we already FELT married to each other and were just waiting until the right time to be able to "make it legal". But in our hearts and we felt, even before God, we were married. I raise the question: How can death end that kind of heart committment? I've thought and thought about this these last five years, and I don't believe it does.

So that's my thinking on the matter. I am this very day "in love" with Jack, my present husband and husband of over 30 years, but I'm still "in love" with Lamar, too. No manner of passage of time will change or erase that. I believe even in Heaven, which I long for with ever fiber of my being!, that I will be in love with both of them. How that will pan out practically I don't know. I have to leave that God in His wisdom.

I don't mean to raise spiritual questions or cause any of you to be discouraged in your healing, but these are the issues I've grappled with for, as I've said before, 34+ years. I truly hope all of you don't have these problems in your lives, but I do, and they're huge in my life. Thank you for listening. Blessings to everyone, Oneta

[misshimstill]

Dorothy,

We'll learn one of these days to really "listen" to what our heart is saying to us, won't we? Just another example of intuition, God speaking to us, someone else speaking to us, etc. I'm glad, as you are, that he had his heart attack before you got on the trip and where he could receive medical attention. It reminds me of when my brother was diagnosed with cancer. They had been planning on going to AZ for the winter, but because my mother had just been diagnosed with cancer and he was almost 60, he thought - before they left on their trip - that he ought to have an exam. And they found the cancer. A huge tumor in his colon. If they had been in AZ he would have had blockage and would have been in the hospital on an emergency basis and surgery in a strange city... yada, yada, yada... So we were so glad that, as we believed at the time and still do, that God had intervened and had protected him and my sister-in-law. I'm so grateful that He does that in our lives. Blessings, Oneta

[missyouhoney811]

Oneta, in the past 2 weeks my central air conditioner had to be serviced. Lord knows I did get my money out of it but when I was told yesterday it had to be replaced I was not a very happy camper. (It was installed in 11/1982) I am planning on moving within the next 1-1/2 years and I was hoping I would not have to put the moneey in it. I have had no air for over 2 weeks and I like it cold. So I was going to go for a new unit. Yesterday afternoon I was talking to my John the next think I knew I was putting air on and Oh My God it has been going strong ever since. Although, John is not here in body but his spirit took care of the air-conditioner. I kept on saying Honey I do not want to buy a new unit for this house. It is on and running strong. Also, yesterday I played the afternoon lottery our year of births and the last four digits of our SS# John's 3819 came out. I played 50/50 which gave me winnings that amounted to $2,600.00.

The new unit would cost between $2,600.00 to $3,700.00. I also think John had something to do with the numbers yesterday. Back up plan if could not fix it.

I have no doubt about God. In February 2005 I had my mother and husband in ICU at the same time (different hospitals) - Both were in poor condition - I prayed and prayed asking God PLEASE don't take both of them at the same time. My mother died and John got out a month later. My mother died 2/27/05. God gave me John for another year. He went in the hospital 3/24/06 and stayed until he died 8/11/06. I find myself now reliving everything that happened last year. I am very strong now. I still have bad days. When I kiss my John's pictures everyday I have more smiles less tears. Blessings to you.

Dorothy