I Miss Him So...

[missyouhoney811]

Guest, I am sorry for your lost. It is good that you found this site. Post as ofter as you wish, it does help. We do not have the answers but we are all walking on the same road of grief and just trying to get through it. As time goes by it does get easier I can't say that you feel that much better because that hole in your heart will always be there for your special loved one. I was married for 31 years together a total of 35 years. The other half of me will never return. So, you have to go on this new walk in life alone. I don't like being without my soulmate. God determines how much time each of us have on this earth. I still talk to my husband as if he were still here. It keeps me going. I'll always miss and love him. Slowly I am actually trying to move on with my life. I came to realize that my John would not want me locked up in our house. I am still alive but I do feel his spirit all around me. I do have dreams and from the dreams I know he is okay. On Monday, 6/11 it will be 10 months that he passed.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[imisstg]

aprilmoonflower and Dorothy I can't tell you how much seeing your posts helped me feel loved. April---I could'nt bleive it when I read your saying about batter to have loved. I use to tell him that all time. We used to joke about if we broke up and I'd say that same quote to him everytime. When we meant I was so scared to love again. I used to think what if something ever happened to him. Just the thought would make me cry and now it's true. Like you dorothy I feel like he's all around me. I feel like he's giving me signs already too. I just want him BACK, I'm not finding any comfort in the fact I beleive he's letting me know he's with me. Yesterday was amonth has I stated and I could'nt even go to work today. I cry alot at night. It's really hard, sorry to repeat myself, but we worked togeather has well. I can't thank yo both for responding to my post, it meant so much to me, to see there was someone here for me. I keep wondering what did I do do so wroung for this to happen. I opened up my heart again and now it's broken. His son is so much like him. His son keeps telling my Dad would'nt want you to cry over him. I finally had to tell him, I must do what I have to to get through this. His daughter helped me by getting the info I needed to seek counceling. All of my hopes and dreams are gone.

dorothy, I too stay in the house all the time when not working. going out just makes me feel more lonely without him.

Please let me know if this is how you bothed felt at one point. I can't think, I just think straight. No matter what I say to myself, I can't make sense of it all. thanks so much. Can't wait to come back in and talk with you ladies. What really keeps noring at me, is he told me one night he had pains in his chest. I asked him some Questions, ya know, does it feel like and elephant on your chest, Squeezing etc..... he was stupporn, and just asked me to give him a minute. He would'nt have gone to the hospital either. I can't except it was out of my hands. He did'nt pass with me but Istillfeel like I did'nt do enough. I know he was going to wait after his son's wedding, which was the very next day. they cancealed it. Just typing all this gives me such heartbreak. I'm going to go for now. thank you both so very much.

[armaiti]

Imisstg: I am so sorry you have had to come to this board, but it is a good place to be. It just over 10 months since my partner of 10 1/2 years Ishaq, crossed over, from a blood clot that stopped his heart. He had type 1 diabetes, but he'd never been diagnosed with any heart problems.

Ishaq's son's wedding was the following week after he passed. They went ahead with it, because we all knew that was what Ishaq would have wanted. But it was hard. I went through it all in a daze a lot of the time. I had and still have a lot of support from our community. Ishaq was a Sufi Sheikh, and the whole Sufi community has been very supportive of me in these months.

I have had lots of dream, lots of signs from Ishaq. They didn't happen right away. I believe that when we leave our bodies, we simply change form, and that we can still access each other. Ishaq has been there for me, and for his family and friends and students too, over the months, when he was needed. He has come to us all in many different ways, and sometimes the signs are subtle and only have meaning for the one they are intended for. You'll know it's him when you feel or see these signs, keep talking to him. Like April, I feel so blessed that I found this love, this soulmate, even if I only walked with him for these years. He will be with me forever, and each day brings me one step closer to walking with him.

It is very, very hard the first months. If you need to stay home and do nothing, then do that. Don't let anyone pressure you to "move on" "get over it" or any other cliche. Only you know the right way to grieve for you. I follow both Sufi and Native American paths and my teachers in both traditions told me that it takes at least "one full walk around the sun" for the grieving process. My one full walk will happen on July 28, and I know that it doesn't mean I'll miss Ishaq any less. But I am learning how to live here in a body without him, while feeling and knowing he is with me in his new form, and always will be, until I cross over and walk that spirit trail with him.

Keep reading and posting, we are here for you,

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Imisstg- you can always come here and write whatever you want! we won't think less of you! cause we've all been there. hang in there. make sure to eat & sleep if you can..I found reading stupid mindless fiction a help when DH first passed. funny thing he had bought me a bag full of books just about 12 hours before he died..you will be ok with time. I know it feels like nothing will ever be ok, but it will be, eventually you WILL feel ok and not so sad. and btw you didn't DO anything wrong. it was just his time to go..

[aprilmoonflower]

btw Anna, how's the AC writing going? I kind of flaked out on it but want to get back into -plus I need extra income if I am going to go back to school!

(My problem is just finding time to write w/ my kids!) I just bought the book Write Mama and it's soooo what I need at the moment! (it's about developing a writing career while raising your kiddos) I write alot in a journal but need to get organized otherwise..I have lists of article idea,half written stuff here and there,etc. I bought a laptop though so maybe that will help..btw I was thinking of you just now when I was watering my kiwis. lol.

[aprilmoonflower]

Brandi- how did your test go!?!?!

[aprilmoonflower]

oh and just because this is worth reposting for all...(Not sure who posted this first here) I thought I'd add this...I always smile when I read this!

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.

I told you I wouldn't leave.

My memories, my thoughts are embedded deep in your heart.

I still love you.

Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.

I am in the Light.

In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~

these are the places I stay with you.

My spirit rises every time you pray for me,

but my energy comes closer to you.

Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.

I am the feather that finds you in the yard,

the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,

I place our memories for you to see.

We lived in our special way,

a way that now has its focus changed.

I still crave your understanding

and long for the many words of prayer

and good fortune for my soul.

I am in the Light.

As you struggle to adjust without me,

I watch silently.

Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world

to make you notice me.

Impressed by your grief,

I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.

As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.

You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.

My soul is now healthy.

Your love sends me new found energy.

I am adjusting to this new world.

I am with you and I am in the Light.

Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.

I am with you wherever you go.

I protect you,

just as you protected me so many times.

Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.

Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.

Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.

Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~

I see you with my new eyes.

I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.

This can be done because I am in the Light.

When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.

My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.

Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had

when we were together in the physical sense.

You owe this to me, but more importantly,

you owe it to yourself.

Life continues for both of us.

I am with you because I love you

and I am in the Light.

-Unknown

[naz496]

aprilmoonflower

what can I say but this is beauitiful. Crying again.

Imisstg

This is how it goes unfortunatly. hang in there I cant say that it gets easier, but its diffferent. you struggle through each day but u get through. its now 5 mths and 27 days and im still here. some days I dont know how. I miss Mal ever minute of every day. but just like he is at work, one day reality will hit. but denial suits me for the moment

peace to u all today

naz

[armaiti]

April, that is beautiful...so much of it felt like Ishaq and me, from the feathers to the part about protecting him, since I saved his life a few times from going into a diabetic coma...

I haven't written on AC for a while, I've been so consumed with getting my art on clothes and things on Cafepress and Zazzle. Keep meaning to though...right now I"m trying to organize all this stuff for a massive import sale. I have tons of belly dance clothes and things from India that Ishaq and I were going to start vending at belly dance festivals. We never did, as he died the day before the first one. So I've had it all in boxes and I need to sell it and get it out of the house, make some money back on it.

By the way, the post of yours where you mention the serenity prayer and mention you are an atheist reminded me of an old Northern Exposure, where Ruthanne tells Joel she's an athiest and he says it takes a lot of conviction to not believe ina higher power. Then she says "oh, I believe in a higher power, I just don't believe She takes human form" That's always been one of my favorite scenes from the show, being the mix of sufi/native/goddess-tradition person that I am.

My garden is still a disaster, but I'm doing some trade with a friend who is a landscape gardener, as I can't hardly pull a weed without sneezing right now. She got a lot of it cleared last night.

Enjoy those kiwis!

Peace,

Anna

[imisstg]

Oh my----I just wrote a lenghty post when my mom called I guess I was idle to long, I hit send but lost the web site. Uggg. will rewrite in a few.

[imisstg]

April thank yo so very much for that beautiful poem. the line I watch silently hit home. I know he was talking to me through that. A specail meaning there for me. I can realate with the struggling. but I'm glad I found this forum. thanks for the support, I know in my heart it was gods time to take him, but I just feel like, if I only did this or that.. I think I feel this way just becuase I just want him back so much.

Anna, I love the way you opened your post to me. I'm sad I'm here too but So very gratful I found you and the other ladies. the way you explained things was just beautiful. My sweetheart is in new form. Thanks for that. I know he's around me. I have signs already. I also think he knew he was'nt well. he said some strange things at times.

Naz, I to am content right now just knowing in head he's gone, my heart can't except it. they say only time, I don't even want time right now to make me feel better, I'm still in the, I just want him Back stage.

To ALL of YOU----in the beginning of your lose did you think strange things. I keep thinking that this just maybe some rotton trick that someone has pulled on me. I sometimes think I'm still dreaming and can't wake myself up. I'm just so beside myself.

He was creamated and I'm having a hard time with that. Like it was'nt real. I'm used to going to a grave site if I need someone.

[rodless]

imisstg.... I am so sorry you have had to join us but being here will help you get through. When I first came here last July I used to go way back and read posts. Doesn't make it hurt any less but at least you don't feel so alone. Hang in there and go at your own pace. Don't let others tell you what you should do.

I remember well the "I just want him back" stage. I still do but reality has set in. Tomorrow will be 11 months so I just have one more in my "walk around the sun" as Anna puts it... I love that phrase. Each month I draw a new diagram in my journal of a circle with little has marks and a stick figure of where I'm at. I also love the poem that April posted. I had printed it off the first time it appeared here and I read it frequently. It usually makes me cry and feel better at the same time.

This was my second marriage and such a blessing after a bad round the first time. Sometimes I just feel grateful that I know what true trusting love is about, at others I feel cheated because it didn't last long enough... but we all feel that way no matter how long we had.

I'm off to Nashville tomorrow for my niece's wedding... lots of hearts and flowers no doubt. Huge sigh (How are you anyway Michele??) Hope all have a good weekend. Thanks for being here. Mary Jo

[bsnurse76]

My test is done. It went okay. I got the the minimum amount of questions which I believe is good. At least that was the case with nursing boards. I won't find out officially for 4 weeks. Thank you all for the support. It is crazy to think that i will be able to do other things besides focus on school. It will be a nice break. I need to clean my house and pack some of Darren's stuff. Thanks for everything. Brandi

[missinmyhubby]

April...Thank you for the poem. I think it is just what I needed at the moment, a reminder that he will be here with me. I will remember to see him holding my hand throughout the next 7 weeks whenever a light shines my way. I leave in three days...thanks for helping me take him with me. See ya soon!!!

[missyouhoney811]

April, the poem is so beautiful. I made a copy I am taking it to Kinko's and have it typed in fancy letters I will frame it and hang it on my wall. The words are so wonderful and so very true. Thanks for sharing.

Brandi, Congratulations to you girl. You now can start a new phase of your life. Be happy and proud of yourself.

Cleaning house or should I say cleaning John's room out. The only thing that was touched in his room was the hospital bed that was a rental. I have so much to sort through - medical equipment to sell - I have to sell our special needs van. I still can't do it. So much money sitting around in THINGS that should be sold but so far I do not have the energy to do it. When I was driving back from Home Depot yesterday I had the van loaded with flowers, mulch and trees. I told John I was sorry that his prize vehicle was turned into a hauling vehicle. I promised that I would not haul anything else. About 3 weeks ago a friend needed help moving a few pieces of furniture which took 2 trips. As I was driving I kept on looking in my rear view mirror and I saw John sitting in the back as he normally would. Our vehicle is with a rear entry ramp and as John drove in he actually was locked in secure. No belts had to be used on him. His face looked sad and I felt bad that all this junk was in his van. When I came back from Home Depot my neighbor unloaded the van. I went to put the ramp up.............the rear door no longer works. It looks as if someone cut the thick bolt that makes the ramp and door close. My neighbor mickey moused with rope to get the door/ramp closed. So John is making me keep my word. No more hauling. I plan on getting it repaired, detailed and sold.

Love and Prayers,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Brandi- good for you! I am cleaning out my Darren's stuff too. it's so hard. and it's so stupid too as if he were alive I'd have glady got rid f some of this stuff! I just always wonder if I'll regret getting rid of stuff. still feeling guilty I got rid of his clothes and sometimes I regret selling his truck too. ugh.

Anna- awesome on your stores and your sale! it sounds like you are keeping busy!

Dorothy-you should get a little sports car! I have never met you or seen a picture of you but think you'd be all cute in one! hehe!

Angel- good luck! you will be great!

Mary Jo- I hope you are well today.

[armaiti]

Hi everyone...I've been going through Ishaq's things too, but not getting rid of anything, since he had so many Sufi students I know that they may all want something of his, so I'm saving it all. I'm going to stuff pillows with his underwear to give to people too, I mean, what else do you do with underwear? And many of them certainly could be considered "hole-ly".

I had a conversation with one of the leaders in our Sufi tradition yesterday, I had to ask him about some of Ishaq's correspondence from Ishaq's teacher who had passed away several years ago. We had a good talk about that, but then I told him he was talking to me on one of my good days, I knew there were still hard days ahead. He said "maybe not, don't set yourself up for it" and I was rather shocked. It has bothered me that he would be that insensitive. How can he think I might not still have bad days, it hasn't even been a year yet. He also said "and if you take another partner, you shouldn't feel you're being disloyal", which also surprised me. My own Sufi teacher (which is a woman, by the way) encouraged me NOT to get involved with anyone for a year. Turns out this man's mother remarried within the year after his father died. He told me how after his father died his mother found her childhood sweetheart, they'd been through the Holocaust together,and they married and were together for another 20 plus years. Well, that's great for him mom, but it's not for me, and I felt like he was pushing me in some ways. I called a friend afterwards, another Sufi, and told her what happened and said, "is it just me, or does he does he sometimes just act like he has to be right" and she said "he does that" so I know it wasn't me,but obvviously it bothers me or I wouldn't be ranting on about it here.

I've thought about writing to him how he made me feel, but I also think that if he hasn't experienced the kind of loss we all have, he may just be clueless, trying to help in his own way, that isn't always very sympathetic.

Anyway, thanks for letting me go on. I see sometimes why I just stay home and don't want to deal with people who just DON'T GET IT.

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

Hi all..

anna...sounds like he's being a little insensitive, but, like you said, you can come on here and vent and not worry about it. i find it interesting how we always seem to imagine that our spiritual leaders, no matter who, will have something "right" to say or comforting. It;'s not always the case. I remember at tom' s memorial i did not want the pastor to do much except welcome everyone..he's a comforting prescence, but that's about it. i really like the associate pastor, a woman, and whn she asked me what I wanted her to say..i told her to comfort me...just please comfort me. She actually did..i listen to the memorial and am always comforted by her words..and basically it was telling me to tell my story over and over as much as i needed to, and asking others to please listen...i loved her for that. she is really wonderful, but not alwyas right..noone is, we take what we can and forget the rest, i guess.

maryjo..i hope the wedding was good. you know that's what i do for a living..it is sometimes hard, but i've found that my grief doesn't rely on anyone else's, nor does my grief diminish others happiness, and my happiness for them. Does that make sense? I tear up every wedding, but am essentially happy for them..hoping their marriage will be as good as mine. that's my best wish these days.

congrats brandi......keep us posted! But you did it, and while darren isn't here with you, please enjoy that wonderful accomplishment.

angel, that poem was beautiful, thanks for posting, and good luck on the move and training..i suppose i'd better wish mark good luck too..he's gonna need it! lol!

and too you all..

peace,

michele

[imisstg]

MaryJo--thank you oh so very much for your post. I too love that poem. I was reading it tonight right after I kissed my sweeties picture. I started crying right after and thought Send me a sign, send me a sign. 2 minutes later his duaghter called me and sent me 9 pictures via E-mail. I feel like I don't want to take that walk around the sun, (all due respect ANNa, your a darling and have been so nice to me) wanting him back is all I seem to be consumed with. It hurts so much, to think a little over a month ago we laid togeather. It's just so hard. I want to feel his face again. I have yet to be hugged by anyone but my Mom, and it's hard for her to see me so heartbroken. His son and daughter have been wonderful. but I also have to understand they have thier own hurt as well and I can't keep crying when they call to see if I'm O.K. Like you Mary-Jo, I lived with someone for 15 years a very miserible (ap) relationship as well has emontionally abuse. Whne I met my Love my world opened, I opened to live again. I just can't beleive he's gone. I just can't. I just keep saying to myself, I give up, I give up.

TO EVERYONE HERE. I don't what I would have done if I had'nt found you all. I cry so hard each and everytime I come in here to chat. I know it's good thing. I beleive god sent me here. I need you all. I will not ever leave this board in hopes to help a newcomer someday. Like you all said to me. I'm sorry you had to come here, and I'll be sorry to see the next new comer too, but assure them they should stay. Thank You ALL so very much.

[imisstg]

I entirely relate to the desire to be removed from this anguish by death, but I have two young children who depend on me. this quote is from Johngee Hope he did'nt mind me taking it over here. He could'nt have siad it better for me. Except I have NO children that depend on me. Wow, just got a kick in the head again.

Well, I will say I was suicidle and did do some damage to arm. then my Bestfriend via phone said, "listen, Your not going to see Tony--or even your Grandmother, and ya wanna know why, I was crying so hard I could'nt answer. She then said your one of the most religious people I know, and you know your not going to see them if you go out this way. I said, "Yes, I will, I just want him back," and she raised her voice in which Debbie rarely does and Said, 'No you won't becuase you know God looks at suicide has a Sin" At that point, I feel back on the couch and it was like getting hit with a bat. So, know I only have one choice, I certainly hate it with every waking moment, but I guess, i have to stay here. I dont' want to, but I know she's right. going that way will not get me to be with the man I love. I thank my Grandmother for raising me with such deep beliefs. I love and miss you too Grandma.

[bevincali]

Hi all,

It seems so strange to be writing in this forum, I still can't believe he is gone someimes. Many of you are still in the first year and it is a tough one no doubt. I am in the second year and still have many of the same emotions I had the first year. The griving and loss is different for each of us and yet so many similarities. I still can't bring myself to date, I think about it now and then, but a year and half later still can't do it. Friends are my saving grace and don't judge me or expect me to do anything I am not ready for. Don't be to harsh on anyone who gives you suggestions they really are trying to help in thier own way, however strange it may seem at the time.

[missyouhoney811]

April, I have been thinking sports car............I'll make up my mind when I start looking at the 2008 vehicles....I now have John's 2002 T/C Van to sell (with all the extras in it we bought it for $58,000.00 -- I only put on 35,000 miles and it is in excellent condition------totally loaded...I guess this should be the number one project to move on...I also drive my 1999 red cougar (which is my happy car).... Thinking new vehicle and hauling Sherman around from time to time I can't see putting him in MY NEW SPORTS CAR .. so I might have to keep the cougar (miles on the cougar just turned 55,000)...... Its in perfect condition but it is still a 1999 vehicle ... its never given me any problems and insurance is very low. So, I think I will keep it. It's the car that my son took his girlfriends out in. If it could only talk I can imagine the stories it would tell me LOLLOLLOLLOL..........

Any news on Sedona, Az?.......I am still checking out the cabins....

My spirits are HIGH...the yard looks beautiful...flowers everywhere. Thanks to my neighbor. He did so much yard work for me. I bought a huge St Frances Statue yesterday its under John's Maple tree. It holds a feeding dish for the birds but I put water in it instead of seed because I have 4 bird feeders on the other trees. Very peaceful.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I wish we were closer in miles......it would be such a joy to be around people daily, face to face and actually know what the other is talking about and understanding. You could all come over and we would have a fantastic picnic (party) in my yard. Dreams, Dreams, Dreams.......

Hope you all have a good day.

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- well you should be able to buy something really nice once you sell that van! get something you love if you do buy another car! =) yes, I need to look into Sedona some more!

you are sooo lucky on the flowers! I can rarely get any flowers to grow here in our heat! I keep trying though! lol. my garden is looking good so far! (I have killed so many plants since living in this house though. Landscaping is not my forte but I am determined to do it.lol. I am looking into xeriscaping and permaculture. anywho, I am going to try to plant some seeds for a hummingbird/butterfly this weekend. (oh and lots of sunflowers since those are easy!)

btw, I am writing an article about how to survive the loss of your partner. anyone want to share the one thing that helped you get through those early weeks and months?

bevincali- it will be 2 years for me in August. I almost can't remember our life together anymore. it's soooo weird. most of the time I am oblivious these days. of course those bad days hit harder than ever though.

[imisstg]

Dorothy, I so wish that too. The only thing for me is I'd be asking for lots of hugs. Can we talk about where we are from in here? I have no idea if there is any rules to abid by.

[missyouhoney811]

April - What made me go on after the loss of my John? I would have to say the love that build up in my heart my body over all the years we were together. The good and close relationship we had before he became paralyzed and the new and different relationship after he became paralyzed. I had something really special with my guy. When he died I wanted to die also. Whatever happened to forever and ever.What made me strong was reliving our many years of conversations and knowing how we felt about certain matters dealing with life and death. One word LOVE that is how I have survived. Remembering all the precious moments that we shared together. I can say that I truly loved, was loved and in love a large portion of my life.

I have alot of BUTTERFLIES in the yard now........Real ones to blend in with my display of butterflies..........so beautiful.

imisstg - I see no reason why we can't talk about where we are from. I am from Pittsburgh, PA. Where are you from and what is your first name......Its so amazing how scattered we all are......

Peace to all,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Anna - Don't let that man get on your nerves. He probably is not worth it. I signed up for 2 grief support church groups. I also dropped out of both. The people that got me angry at the meetings were the men. It seemed even tho they recently lost their spouse they were in the market to pick up someone new. A couple were trying to pass their phone numbers out to the women. The best thing you can do is ignore them. Some are just creatures of habit and will never change. Most have no clue that they are doing anything wrong because it has always been their way of life.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[imisstg]

Hi Dorothy, I was kind of hoping you lived closer. I live in Rhode Island, yes that Teeny Tiny place between Conn and Mass. My name is Eleanor

[armaiti]

Eleanor: I'm in Eugene, Oregon. I live in a funky little house just a block from the Willamette River. Our landlord is a friend who owns most of the houses in this part of the neighborhood, and is a great guy into recycling and sustainable living and building. I have a huge backyard I share with the three other little houses that make up our half-block, and we are all good friends and get along great. Almost all of us have cats, who don't always get along so great! But they work it out.

Dorothy - I don't have butterflies yet...pretty soon I should start to see the first Oregon swallowtails, especially since the butterfly bush outside my front window is getting ready to bloom. They just love that bush, as do the hummingbirds I have four of these in the front yard, and they attract a lot of wildlife.

Brandi - congratulations! I know your beloved is proud of you and smiling on you during this time of success!

April - what got me through the early days after Ishaq crossed over was my spiritual traditions, doing ritual and ceremony, and my friends and family. Without these I think I would just have walked into the river and let it take me. Or not...as a daughter of a suicide victim, I don't think I could do that.

I've been thinking of the terms we use sometimes, like losing our partners. I don't really feel like I "lost" Ishaq. I know where he went! Or how someone refers to them as your "late" partner. Ishaq was always on time, he was a real stickler for his students and the other Sufis coming to class and meetings on time. I never refer to him as late, I think that would drive him nuts.

I got a couple of bhangra videos to work on at home. We have a great Bhangra dance teacher here in Eugene who studies in India, but I want to review the moves before showing up and possibly stumbling all over my feet! I love the bhangra beats and steps, and it's a great workout.

Ishaq's sister and her husband are coming through for a visit tomorrow, so I'm off to clean the house some more and try to get more garden cleaned up. I've got scrapes from the blackberries I was clearing last night, but at least I can get to my raspberry bushes better!

Hope you all have a peaceful day,

Anna

[mishknit]

hey eleanor, \

nice to meet you. I live in southern california...far from you. thank god we have this board to f=bring us all togethere.

anna...i know what you meen about the late...although tom could be a little late at times, bit the "so sorry you lost your husband"? God i wish it would be as easy as going to lost and found, and i din't lose him...i'd never be that careless! I just shake my head abnd smile and say " i didn't lose him, he's dead". I do it kindly now..at the beginning far less so. I'm kind of all about education at this point..what i've learned i'd llike to pass on so others aren;'t so clueless.

dorothy..your yard sounds so beautiful...i am envious! I do have some flowerss tho, many potted, and love them too.

April....the one, main thing that helped me was the supporty of my friends, their willingness to not turn away from either my grief or theirs, and hang tough with me and my son. I know so many don't have that support..i kinow i'm lucky, and that's what saved me.

peace to you all...

i know most of us aren't fans of the weekend...so hang tight.

michele

[missinmyhubby]

Hey all...leaving in less than 48 hours...ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

April...the thought of going to hell and never getting to see him again. Most of all, my kids. If it were not for my children, I am not sure what would have become of me. My mother for just being there...emotionally, financially, and every way possible.

I will miss all of you!!!

[lindat]

Angel, I will miss you so much, but I will look forward to your updates. You will be fine!!!! xoxox Linda

[lindat]

Hi Eleanor, My name is Linda and I am living in San Diego, CA with my parents. My Terry and I evacuated our home in MS for Katrina and he passed away 4 months later on Jan. 17, 2006, while we were still in FL. I have been traveling ever since and hope to go home to MS soon. I never imagined that I would be back home with my parents at the age of 60, but we have to count our blessings.... I am sorry that you have to be here, but so glad that you found the wonderful, strong bunch of women that can help you get from point A to point B. That is all you really need to do right now. Peace.

[sidvis]

April, it was my kids that made me keep living in the beginning when I really wanted to kill myself. When I knew I had to keep going for them I started reading everything I could find on grief. My faith in God kicked in and going to a counselor added to my quest to find some sort of peace.

Eleanor, you have found the right place. All of the women who post here will give you support and words of comfort. My husband died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound 20 months ago. I cannot believe that God sent him to hell. Not the God that I pray to. My husband was not in his right mind.

I continue to have a relationship with my new "man friend." He makes me very happy and we laugh all the time. It is such a miracle!

Peace to all

[aprilmoonflower]

thanks for all your responses.I thought an article would be helpful. I hope to write & submit it tonight when the kids go to bed. I will post a link if it get's published..

[aprilmoonflower]

btw sidvis I didn't know you had a man in your life! do tell! where did you meet him? what a great thing you have found ,so glad you are laughing again! AFter all the crap you have been through, you deserve it!

[missyouhoney811]

Angel, Good Luck............I'll keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Angel, I'm also wishing you good luck and a great new adventure!

Peace,

Anna

[missinmyhubby]

I just want to say...THANK YOU ALL!!! This is such a wonderful place to come to such a lovely group of women. Thank you all for accepting me here. The hubby did all my wash today, packed my bags for me, and has been so good. We are getting ready to go to bed here in a few. Then it is up early, make sure I have everything just one last time, and off I go. I will not be back on now until at least next Saturday. That will complete my first week of training for initial INDOC. Then off to Houston for the second part that next Monday. I wish everyone well, and will miss you gals terribly. Behave and take care!!!!

THE BIGGEST ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) EVER...muah......

[aprilmoonflower]

Good luck Angel!

[missyouhoney811]

Hello everyone...........My central air finally bit the dust. I had a new unit installed on wednesday. The cool air is greatly appreciated. Yesterday, I worked out in the yard for seven hours. I was cleaning under bushes that have not been touched for a few years. I actually broke up a family of mice (around 10) that came running out and SCARED ME TO DEATH. I did dancing steps in the yard that I never did before. Its truly amazing how high you can jump when you have to. I was just outside opened up 3 bags of mulch. I tried to spread it but had trouble bending so I am back in the house. As normal I over did it yesterday.

Tomorrow is the 10 month anniversary. My sister-in-law lives around 100 miles away she called this morning and said she may be in and we can do lunch and maybe go shopping. I know she also wants to take flowers to John's grave. Three words that I hate - DEAD, GRAVE, and of course the name WIDOW. Does anyone know where the widow came from or who came up with it. I wish we could be labeled with a better title.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- oh my you must be sore from all that work! lol about the mice..I have had my share too(they like my compost bin). Anyway, I hope you can find some peace and/ clarity tomorrow. be gentle with yourself. I do wonder where the word widow comes from. off to google..

[egrayl]

Dorothy,

I read that the word widow comes from dowager (as in dowry) since not too long ago, women could own things only through inheritance.

I learned this from a favorite web site: widow-speak.org which you may enjoy.

Eileen

[missyouhoney811]

Eileen, thanks for the web site................the poetry is simply beautiful. I don't remember seeing your name before, are you new on the site?

Although, today marked the 10 month anniversary of John's death I think I handled it pretty good. Tears came but not at a downpour. I had lunch with Madge (John's sister) we did not go to the cemetery. I plan on doing that tomorrow. I'll be taking a bag of soil and a variety of flowers to put on his grave. I better not forget to put a chair in the car so I can sit and chat with him. I do feel closer to him at his Maple Tree in the yard and yet I feel I must go to the cemetery knowing that was his final destination in body is there. I wish I could get him back......am I talking goofy.......maybe it would have been better not to love so deeply.......who am I kidding......the remembering of the love is what keeps me going.

I think I am going to make myself a scotch with a splash of water. After today I truly deserve it......I'll talk to you all tomorrow.......

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

CELESTIAL WISDOM - Celestial wisdom is offered to you Like a spiritual gem that is told. It's simply given with no strings attached Could be profoundly new or quite old.

Experience says it is mainly designed To stir up a grand knowing inside. And just when you think your life's comfy and safe, There's new choices and you must decide.

Will you live your dreams or just merely survive? Will you listen and follow your heart? Don't dare turn your back on the passion of life Embrace it, don't just play a part.

A world of illusion is not what it seems So create it and make it your own. Let everyday miracles shine in your eyes Living proof of how much you have grown.

Be open to things that go bump in the night. There's great wisdom beyond what you see. Perhaps there's an Angel to whisper your name Whose magnificence will set you free!

I found a box today with a book entitled Universal Cards (Angelically Inspired). The above was taken from the book. My son gave this to me about 14 years ago. Not sure exactly what to do with the cards since they have different words on each and after you pull a card you go into the book for the definition. The cards have some type of meaning for the Circle of Life (awakening the path of your soul). So I have a different type of reading to do today. I guess you could refer to it as the game of life book........sould be interesting.

Hoping everyone is having a peaceful day.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[cheryl36]

Hello everyone, I have been reading this board for a very long time. The reason it has taken me so long to contribute is because I just didn't know where to start. You all seem so brave, even though you don't think you are, but I have read many, many stories here over the course of 2 years. I am truely sorry that I have not consoled you all, and even more sorry that it has taken me this long to even get up the nerve to tell my story. My name is Cheryl, I am 37 now. with 2 children from a first marriage, and a stepdaughter from my second marriage. My Husband, Scott whom I love so very deeply, passed away November 28th 2004, of glioblastoma multiforme or (GBM) that is brain cancer. He was only 38. He and I had a Heating and Air company, which was very successful, and we too did everything together. Worked hard together, and we played hard together. He truely was my life. He was dx on April 15th of 2004, and only lived 7 1/2 months. 1 week after he passed, his daughter moved away from me sighting that I would treat her different now that her dad was gone. She was 18 then. Sott and I knew each other for several years before we decided to be together, and we were only married for 2 years and 9 months, 6 days. We too had big plans. We were just applying for a license to do business in florida (panama city). We had it all. Good family, great friends, everyone loved Scott, and I mean everyone. When I lost my Scott, I lost his entire family. I was "dragged into court" being sued left and right. It truely was one nightmare after another. And it has taken its toll on me. I was even attacked by his sister at mine and my husbands grave site, and I had to go to the hospital, and of course, court there after. My daughter was harrassed by my stepdaughters friends from school( there is 3 years difference between them). It truely was a living hell. BUT I TOO HAVE CAME THROUGH IT. It not only has changed me, but it has also made me a much better person. I love Scott, I forever will. But I had to put my faith and trust in GOD! Don't get me wrong, I still have horrible days, but I also have good ones too. I was a basket case for a very long time. And I still Question my sanity. And I still take things one day at a time, I don't have a choice.

[naz496]

welcome everyone I sorry that U have to be here but welcome anyway.

Just a short note,inbetween sobs. Its 6 mths this week, and we have had flash flooding and wher I live has been declared a natural disaster zone. More like a war zone. I never want to live through a storm like that again.

No power or hot water, we wernt hit that hard, lost our back verandah and the kids swing set and a big tree came down but knowone is hurt. I dealt with this ok. I dont even care we are insured, but went to the cemetry today and Its closed indefinatly. Its under water. I bought a little candle lantern last week and the kids easter card was there and now its all gone, lost forever. I know its only a $20 lantern and the kids card. but it was for Mal. Not one person remembered him today. did that happen to anyone else. Mal did evething for everyone and how quickly they forget him. Surly his 37 yrs requires some thought, even if its only on the familys side, Not one call.I know that is selfish but one call would have been ok. just to know that someone remember him.

1 mile up the road the road caved in and there was a family of 5 includinmg 3 kids dead. I had this awfel feeling all weekend that If that was us instead of them at least we would have to be together, with Mal. Al 4 of us. Dont worry im suicidal I just thought that it would save ther family and put me out of our pain. Its not fair that they have to go through this as well.

My friend acme over today and brought lots and lots of discustingly fatening food and a new lantern for Mal. Thank god for her today. I would have just cried all day.

Naz

[sidvis]

Dear Naz, you just keep hanging in there. I am glad you feel like posting as it will help get you through.

Cheryl36, thank you for sharing. It is always good to read from people who are so far along. One day at a time is how I live too. I am at the 20 month mark and have been looking at pictures of how happy my family used to be. Just crying and crying over what can never be again. On days like today I really wonder how I have survived. Of course, I try to remember that so many people never get to have the family life that we were so fortunate to have. So many happy memories. It is just that I miss my husband so much sometimes.

The man in my life now is getting very serious. I do love him. I only hope I can give him the love that he deserves. He had such a bad marriage. His ex was not a "partner" to him. He really has no idea what it is like to live with another who loves you no matter what. I have had the idea that the love I shared with my husband is still here with me. I mean, where can it go? So much love to give. Is it right to think I can give some of it to a new husband? I don't know how else to live in a marriage, but to give all. It is odd to think about being in a relationship that will focus on only the adults involved. It is not like I am thinking of starting a family from scratch. We will have 5 kids between us. All of them teens or young adults. Are we crazy to think that we can be happy? I want to be happy.

[missyouhoney811]

Naz, I am so sorry you have to go it alone with all the troubles you have been having. I can't believe that no one acknowledged Mal. I know it hurts but you must be strong for yourself and your children. It's sad the family you mentioned that died. My heart goes out to all that have to suffer. In our news here in Pittsburgh yesterday a fire took the lives of 5 small children. Would you believe they found the children all in the same room, the door was locked, no way for them to escape. A single monther that probably wanted to party. So much trash in the world. Monday, was 10 months for my husband. A few tears but I did well. I was with my sister-in-law she has been a god send to me. She was my couch via phone after died she would call until I picked up. Gave me pep talks daily for the first three months after John died.

Today, I have my doctor's appt. for my hand at 1:30. I'll finally get the results from the MRI. He had me on steroids so the hand still hurts but not as bad. Thursday, I go to the foot doctor and get the results from the MRI for the foot. I am hoping I get good reports from both doctors. I do no want any type of surgery. I want to go back to the gym and work out. I have to get this body in shape. I also plan on signing up for dance classes. I have to refresh my latin dances for Puerto Rico.

Hoping you all have a good day.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Sorry for my errors-------------coach-----word missing John------no should be not

Upsets me when I goof up.....You all take care.