I Miss Him So...

May 7, 2007

Oneta, I was thinking of what you were saying about your daughter not asking about her Dad. I know alittle about what your talking about. When my 2 oldest daughters were little they didn't ask much about their father. He died after we were devorced. It wasn't untill they were much older. especially the 2nd oldest, who was just asking about him a few months ago. she is almost 28 years old. Maybe in time your daughter will want to know more about him. Of course it makes you sad. I would imagine on 2 levels both from what you feel he missed and also what you feel she missed. I'm sorry it's so hard for you now.

May 7, 2007

Justkaren2 I don't think your feelings are selfish. Have you heard that song God Only Crys For the Living? I believe they are in a better place. And though it is of course sad to think of what they miss I always think that perhaps they have the answers we don't have. We are left to try and get through and struggle.We have to survive without them with faith that there is some point to our pain without anyway of understanding. How would you not be feeling all of the things your feeling? Your feelings are all normal and understandable.

May 8, 2007

Justkaren2 - It makes me so mad when I hear about people in the workplace, bosses and such, being so awful! Our society just doesn't honor that it takes time to deal with this sort of a loss. And grieving takes time, my spiritual teachers told me one full walk around the sun, one full year to fully deal with the grief of losing my partner.

In some Native terms, your partner is often called your half-side, and that's what it felt like to lose Ishaq, like I'd been torn in half, and that half was missing. Over the months it does get easier. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but my belief is that our partners stay with us, near us, and want us to find happiness again however we can. I don't see myself getting together with another man, but that doesn't mean that others of you won't. I still am married to my Ishaq, we are bonded for eternity, and I just don't want someone else. At the powwow, during one dance that was a couple dance, I looked up and saw this man looking at me and I kind of hid behind my fry bread, and let my ring on my left hand be pretty obvious. I couldn't even imagine dancing with someone I didn't know, a stranger. Just didn't feel right, but that's just me.

I went out tonight on my scooter and met a couple of girlfriends for dinner. I've been really good today - no sugar! And my withdrawal headache isn't too bad...and I took a nice long walk, trying to get healthy and fit again. Tomorrow if the weather holds I attack the weeds in the garden.

Peace to all,

Anna

May 8, 2007

Oneta, his Gleason score was 7 - 5 years ago. He has been treating his cancer holistically with medical consultation since then. He hasn't had a biopsy since then so I don't know what it is now. The more I find out, the more scared I get so I have just decided to let go of it and let him deal with it unless he wants to tell me. It is very difficult having a long distance romance even without this.

To give you a little background....

My Terry and I evacuated to FL for Katrina in August '05. We lost everything including jobs and home in MS - our town was 90% gone - and stayed in FL for the next 4 months until he died on Jan. 17th. Within 2 weeks, I had to pack his stuff up and give it to his kids, no room for it in the car and leave the place where we had been staying. From there I went back home to MS and stayed with my daughter and her family in the FEMA trailer for a couple of weeks - couldn't stay longer it was too depressing, headed for TX stayed with my girlfriend for a couple of weeks and then on to CA to see my mom and other kids - too many memories in CA because that was where we met and fell in love - so then I drove from CA to MI to stay with my sister for the summer last year. I kept thinking that the places were causing me to be unhappy, and finally I realized I was running from what was inside me. I left MI last Oct. and went back to FL to thank his relatives that had given us the place to stay after the hurricane. Then to MS - still too depressing (4 adults and 3 kids in the trailer) town still very devastated. Now since November I am back in CA staying with my mom and stepdad in their trailer - it was a little easier this time. Looking back, I don't know how I managed to drive and keep going all those months, crying all the way. I have been very blessed with family and friends that have taken me in and given me anything I needed, except what I needed most and nobody could do that. I didn't think that I could live through it - drive one more mile, or stay in one more motel room alone. Somehow I did. The end of January, Jim emailed to ask how I was and tell me that he would like to have a friendship close up. We had dated in 1984 after our 20 year class reunion in MI - I have known him since Jr. high - and had a crush on him in high school. We had a wonderful time together back then, but he lived in MI and I lived in CA. I met Terry shortly after that and we were very happy for 21 years. When he emailed, I immediately said no and tried to ignore him. Then he said it is only emails for crying out loud, no pressure - within a couple of weeks I noticed that the black cloud had receded and I felt joy again. We've been heating up the wires ever since

Last month he decided to move to CA in Aug. and I planned to fly to MI and help him move. The end of April his PSAs were elevated to 16 and he decided to fill me in completely. Since then I have been doing alot of research on my own and I don't like what I am finding. He wants me there for the surgery, but I can't do it financially so it will still be Aug. and since he probably won't be able to move at that time, I will stay until he can. I will be staying at my sister's which is close to where he is. I am a server for Red Lobster and they let me work wherever I go, so I have been very lucky in that way too. Unless we find that we aren't compatable after all - not likely, I am in it for as long as we have, hopefully a long, long time.

May 8, 2007

to all the newcomers welcome. Im so sorry that u have to be here.

Karen.

I to feel your pain Mal died at xmas last year 2006, and I long for someone to hold me or lie next to me in bed,. My girlfriend touched me on the shoulder today and I cried. because knowone has touched me in 4 mthe and 25 days.

I miss Mal and I soooo want to hold him again. I just want him back. I dont know how my two little ones surveive because I feel that I want him and need him back.

I felt so guilty today. I met a man at a friends house and he was divorced, and I thought im single and your single. I could never be with or love another Man like Mal . I had a love less childhood, and Mal taught me how to love. He taught me how to love Him and to break the loveless childhood cycle for my children. I can never thank him enought for teaching me how to do this. I just want him to hold me again.. The other night I asked him to let me know that he was around I need him so much. and at 11.20pm the alarm on the oven went off, and I woke up and heard it and had to turn it offf. I wonder how this happened I do hope it was him telling me that He was around.

I dont even feel like his gone.. Im happy with this denial as im sure that its going to hurt wayyy to much when I finally wake up to the fact the he is never coming back. I miss him every minute fo every day, but I dont acknowlegde that he is gone. how can this be.

How is it possible to be at widow at 33 with 2 small children. life is so cruel. how is this fair.

I told him for 12 yrs this would hapen I told him and told him, but he wouldnt listen. oh how i wish I had made him listen. I dont want to love anyone else but I dont want to be alone either. At 33 there is along life left in front of me and I dont want to spend it by myself.

I Gardened for 3 hrs today and cleand for 2 hrs, im very sore tonight. I hate gardening and I hate that Mal is making me do it. That is his job., why cant he be here to do it.

cryinh through glassed is quite hard. tears stain.

Sorry guys having a bad day today.

happy pills have lifted the fog I was in but I feel guilty for taking them . I feel that I dont get to feel very often. Life is a bit flat. I want to be sad, and I want to cry all day for Mal, but the occasional tear down the face is all I get now. except for tonight. Now I look like the elephant man and my face is swollen.

Finished a scrapbook of Mals life to send to his mother for mothers day. Im sure she will love it.

Im not looking foward to mothers day. There is only 3 days a yeard I made Mal take off. Mothers and fathers day and xmas day. Mothers day without him, is not somethig that I want.

Hope those mothers of you over there find some happpiness on sunday.

Naz

May 8, 2007

Hello everyone,

Naz: I can feel by what you wrote that you are very down today. I know the feeling. It hits you and it hits you hard. Just remember one thing...for 12 years you tried to make him work less and nothing you could've done would change it. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know exactly what you are going through. Life bites!! But remember, we are all here for you and thinking and praying everyday for you.

I am coping quite nicely these days (since the eye-opener) and must admit that life seems like life again. I still battle at night, but I am taking "one night at a time". My children have been amazing and my husband is such a rock at the moment. However, I have been finding myself worrying about whether he too will die soon. I don't know why this has suddenly come up? I don't know where it comes from? It's just there. I am TERRIFIED that something may happen to him and above all, I feel SO GUILTY for neglecting him for so long. I'm afraid that I have thrown precious time away with him and I am so scared that our time together is also running out. This seems to be on my mind constantly and it is bringing me right back down again. He is fit, healthy...nothing medically wrong with him. I don't know why I am allowing these thoughts to control me? My son was involved in a motorcycle accident not too long ago, and now I am worried that something might happen to him too. What is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so paranoid? Am I a mental case in disguise? Just when you think you are getting up and walking, why does something have to bring you down to your knees again????

Lindat: Hang in there.

Anna: Beautiful, beautiful music. Really heart warming and comforting.

Oneta: Still thinking about you.

Everyone else, God bless and hang in there.

May 8, 2007

Dear Scottslove and everyone,

Reading your posts this morning is like speaking to old friends. Everyone shares the same feelings. I have been in all of your places, felt the same feelings, longed for the same outcomes. I started posting here in Feb. of this year. It has been nothing but a blessing to me.

I just want to continue to share that after alot of hard grief work that you can have a decent life. The pain does lessen, but you must be sure to do that grief work now, in the early stages so it won't come back on you when you least expect it. As I have said before, we will never be the same person we were before our partners/husbands death. We will never be rid of the since of loss. However, as time moves forward, keep you heart open. We all have a lot of love to share. Just look at the kind and compassionate words that are posted here everyday. We are all very strong. Much stronger than we realize. I truly believe that posting here is a key component to our strength.

Bless you all.

May 8, 2007

Hello, everyone. I had a pretty decent night – without sleeping pills. It is always a wonder when I sleep, without or without sleeping pills. No dreams, though. Strangely (maybe not so strangely if you think about it), I dream about all of you girls. I guess it’s because of our bond. We understand each other.

Speaking of understanding, Karen, I understand what you’re saying. Trying to make yourself understood with people you know well is hard enough. To try to do that with people you don’t know that well is really tough. It upsets me, also, when I hear of people being so insensitive as your boss. Maybe she was just “joking”, but it was insensitive at the least and cruel at the worst. And you’re right that she doesn’t really understand, having lost a mother and a sister. I’ve had that problem, too. A part of my story that I hadn’t put in before, relating to the repressed grief for over 30 years and the surfacing of that grief: When I first started feeling those deep waves of grief four-to-five years ago, I got in touch with my former brother-in-law, with whom I had not had any contact since Lamar died. They were a strange family, and after I remarried I really didn’t want to have any contact with them. However, when my grief started to surface, I suddenly wished I hadn’t cut them off like I had. I decided to try to contact Lamar’s brother (since he had seemed to me to be the least strange of the whole bunch). When he found out what was going on with me, he tried to say stuff like “Lamar wouldn’t want you grieving like this” and “you need to move on – I did” and “I don’t want to did up my grief again… I grieved once and I don’t want to do it again” – stuff like that. I felt very rebuked by him for grieving for his brother, and I sure didn’t understand that. It seemed to me that he would be sympathetic to the fact, not disapproving. One time he told me, in reference to the fact that he had lost father, mother and brother, all within three years’ time, and it was like he was telling me, “Look. I know what you’re feeling. I lost my mother, father AND “little” brother, but look at me. I’m over it.” I really didn’t know how I should respond to that, but I wanted to be as kind as possible. I told him that I, too, had lost my mother, father and little brother, but I’m here to tell you that losing your husband is a totally different experience” and then went on to say a little more about that. He never really responded to that, so I don’t know what he thought of it, if he understood me or just chose to ignore it – I’ll probably never know. But my point is that you’re absolutely right! The loss of a mother or sister is not in the same category as a husband/soul mate. As close as they may have been to their mother or sibling, it cannot be compared to the closeness that exists between a man and a woman who have given their lives to each other, who know each other intimately and have shared each other’s lives in such a close way. I think your boss was very insensitive to say that. I agree with Anna, as I have said several times in my posts, that you need AT LEAST a year to grieve and to remember and to process your feelings – and then MAYBE you can “move on”. This is one of my biggest pet peeves – that the work place doesn’t allow more time for grieving families than the traditional 3-5 days, especially for husband or wife. Don’t try to force a new relationship. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Some people probably could never find a love like the one they’ve had with this very special person, and I personally don’t believe it should be rushed into. I have said before that I got into my second marriage wayyyy too fast, way to soon, and it’s one of my biggest regrets in my life. It was unfair to Jack and it was unfair to me, and maybe it was unfair to Lamar. Depends on your beliefs on the connection those who have died have with this life. I, too, understand the feelings you expressed of wanting to die or thinking you hurt so much that you feel you couldn’t possibly live like that. I used to write in my journals that I was hurting so much emotionally that I actually hurt physically to match the emotional pain, and I didn’t know how anyone could hurt that much and still draw breath. But I did… I know what you’re saying very, very much. I understand even the feeling of wanting to lie down with someone and be held by them, the feeling of missing the intimacy you had once. It’s all very, very normal… for grief. Grief is the worst pain because it is emotional AND physical AND spiritual. It affects every area of your life. It affects your ability to breathe, eat, sleep, function in every day life. Don’t worry about disconnecting from your pain in order to respond to our feelings. You just take your time processing where you are right now.

What I said above applies to all of you who have joined us of late with your new grief and new experiences of loneliness. It is a horrible thing to go through. We all understand and more, empathize with you.

On the subject of remarriage or having a new relationship, I believe, as I ‘ve said before, that it shouldn’t be rushed into. You all need to take time to grieve your losses. We all do. Adding in another person to your life just complicates that. I speak from experience on that one, too. When I got remarried I lost my ability to remember Lamar, think of Lamar, grieve for Lamar. I had a new person I had to think of, who wanted ALL of me, not just part of me. He once told me that he felt like he had to compete with a ghost, and how in the world could anyone do that and win? I have always tried to reassure him that I love him, too, but somehow I never felt that I was completely successful in doing that. I think I had to give up a lot in order to even TRY to do that. Those of you who are either remarried or are in a new relationship probably can relate to what I’m saying. As long as you stay single, you can stay devoted to him. Once you add another man into the equation, you give up that luxury. Just my 2 cents on that issue. It’s complicated, like everything else we deal with.

Scottslove, I appreciate your comments and understanding. My problem is one of my own creation, I think. I wanted her to love Jack and feel loved by Jack, and when she was little I didn’t know how to talk to her about her dad, so I didn’t. Now I wish I had done this or that, but it’s way too late to think about that. She’s 33, almost 34, and really has little desire to know ANYTHING about him. And that’s probably my fault as much as anything and something I just have to learn to live with. But I express my feelings here because I feel that you all understand.

Linda, keep me updated on your new man’s condition. From what I know of prostate cancer, it is very slow growing, but a Gleason 7 five years ago probably isn’t too good. Jack’s PSA went from 4 to 7.8 in about a year and a half. He says that prostate cancer affects a man’s image of himself as a MAN – and he has a very hard time separating the two. If a man finds this out and is just beginning to get involved with a woman (or isn’t involved but may be someday), it would be psychologically very difficult for him to deal with the implications of that. The impotence that comes with prostate cancer is a horrifying prospect for a man because it threatens all of this. It might be equivalent to a mastectomy for us, but even that falls short because, while it might be difficult for us in regard to our sexual self image, it wouldn’t render sexual relations impossible for us, and prostate surgery can most certainly do that for a man. I don’t know if you knew any of this because I didn’t until we first faced it, but this is all part of the prostate cancer scare for men. As a result, a lot of men just sail down the river of denial, choosing not to face it because it is so devastating and frightening for them. Jack’s doctor keeps telling him that “there is medication he can take that might help in that area” because he knows it’s such a huge issue for most couples. For me, it actually comes as some relief. I feel I can share this because we are pretty honest and open with each other on this board, but since all this grief has surfaced, I have had a very hard time in this area of our marriage. I have told only one person about this, and when she sort of rebuked me I told her simply that “it’s kind of hard to have sex with one man when you’re thinking about another one”. Simply put. But most couples really are in a hurry to get back to that, and for that reason the whole issue is HUGE for them. Your friend has probably chosen the holistic approach because he felt it would give him the best chance of treating the cancer, but keeping his “manhood”. But the risk is - failure to fully and adequately treat the cancer. I only tell you all of this because I feel people need to be fully informed. This is part of the prostate cancer problem. Dying is not the worst thing to some men, but not being able to be sexually active with their woman/mate/wife/partner is. I hope for your sake that his cancer has not spread quickly and they there is still time to treat it conventionally if that’s what he is wanting. You have so much on your plate. Having survived Katrina, only to lose your husband, and all the moving around, (and I’m sure you’re right that a lot of that was running from what was inside you – that’s what most of us do, frankly), and then to face this… well, it’s a lot. I would say, as someone I considered to be quite wise once said, “When you’re going fast, go slow.” Meaning, in your case, take your time making decisions. I will pray for you.

Naz, Reading above I think you know I can relate. Hang in there. Keep posting and reading. We understand.

4leaf, Good to hear from you again. I understand and relate totally to what you’re saying. There are very good reasons why these fears are suddenly coming up. You ask where they come from? Very, very normal to have these fears. You’re not a mental case. (Or if you are, we ALL are.) I’ll write more later. Right now I’m afraid I’ve gone on too long as it is.

Everyone take care. Good to hear from everyone. Blessings and prayers always with you. ~Oneta

May 8, 2007

Hello,

Im new here, I usually would not come somewhere like this but no one around me understands. My Fiance' passed away on April 25 and I do not know what to do. He has had cystic fibrosis (lung disease) his whole life so this was not totally unexpected, but you never really can prepare yourself for this. He was in ICU for 3 weeks before dying, and I never left that hospital. He was in a coma for a while, then came out of it for 4 days before going back in coma. I thank god for those 4 days because I got to say I love you before he passed. I did not say bye to him because I believed he would make it out alive. I just have all sorts of emotions and I do not know what I am to do, I don't want to do anything. Ohter times I feel ok and then feel guilty because I feek ok. Im just so young, only 24, and I have my whole life ahead of me, but how do you move on from this?

May 8, 2007

cnpjrs4e- I'm so sorry about your fiance. you are definitly in a safe place here. It's all so new for you right now, so just take a day at a time and take care of yourself. I hope you can find some peace here. unfortunatley we all understand where you are coming from. you will get through this, like so many here have and are doing. there's nothing to be said to "make it better". But commiseration helps. (((Hugs)))

Linda- I'm so sorry to hear about your friends surgery. I hope all goes well.just try to think positive. that's all you can really do..

Oneta- that's great you got some sleep!

I for one really have no desire for a relationship anytime soon. I've had 2 husbands and that's plenty IMHO. also, I am not the type to date a bunch of people either sooo.....it will be just me and my kiddos for the time being! I am perfectly content with it. It's so hard for alot of people to understand. HOw could I possibly WANT to be alone? I feel like I need this time for me now. I actually rather like being a single parent (most days). weird but true.

May 8, 2007

Hi to everyone, Angel, I am still here. Reading everyday but not always posting. The "new relationship" thing is kicking my butt. I have some different thoughts and feelings than have been expressed here so far - the man that I am dating, (affectionatly referred to as "Hockey boy") knew my husband and I in my old life. He is wonderful about Steve, he doesn't want me to forget about him, he wants him to be a part of our life. We talk about him alot, with each other and with our boys. I don't compare the two men because they are very different. I know that my husband would like him because they were acquainted in life. I really don't feel any guilt in "moving on" because he doesn't expect me to forget him or ever get over him. He has gone as far to say that if he could give him back to me he would - knowing that he would be no where insight in that case. Amazing man? I think so. Trouble is - his life really sucks right now. His divorce is awful. He has a child that is in the middle of it and financially the wife is ruining him. Can I buy into this much drama? All I want is my fun, boring uneventful life back. Being with him really does good things for me and my heart but, new romance is supposed to be so much fun and his situation makes our relationship really difficult. Any thoughts from anyone who has been here?

New comers - I am so so sorry for your losses. This board will bring you comfort. Seek out real people to take you places as well. Don't shower if you don't want to - I wouldn't shower for days and then my sister and my best friend would show up and say "we'll wait" while I cleaned up. You must do it every once in a while. Feel it is all I can say. Get it out and don't hold it in. It is all an individual process and however you need to do it is okay.

Lastly, I just received a phone call from a friend of mine who was involved in a car accident last week. It was her fault and she had been drinking and the guilt of what she could have done is eating her up because of what happened to me. I have to call her back and I am really not sure what to say. I am not mad at her – just disappointed. I know that hundreds of people make the same decision every day and sometimes bad stuff happens. How do I be supportive and not to easy on her at the same time? I know I can’t make anyone learn from what happened to us but I really wish that it could be different.

Anna, your music videos were beautiful. Ishaq was a very cute man too!

Hope you all have a peaceful day. Lisa

May 8, 2007

Cnpjrs4e, sorry to see your new postings, as we all here know what it means for you to be here. But I will add my echo to the others that you are in a safe place. Yes, you are very young to be having to go through this. I can relate because I was 21 when it happened to me. Expected or nonexpected, it is no different in the grief we feel. You were very blessed to have those four days to tell him you loved him. Not everyone gets that opportunity. Cherish it, along with his memory. All the emotions, up and down, back and forth, guilt, sadness, despair, we all know them and they’re all “normal”. I’ve decided “normal” is different for each person – whatever she feels is normal and okay. It’s what you feel, so don’t dismiss it. Take your time and feel what you feel. Cry, be sad, don’t shower, whatever. How do you move on? Don’t worry about that. Moving on will happen. Just be where you are right now.

Everything I said above goes to all the new ones. It’s a tragic time of your lives. Don’t feel that you have to feel what everyone around you feels because they’re not YOU.

April, thanks. I hope it’s a “trend” – my getting some sleep. But we all know, we take one day (or night) at a time. I can relate to the feeling of not needing someone new. When Jack, my current husband, was facing cancer and surgery this past winter, it passed through my head many times that he might not make it, and I knew there would never be anyone else for me after the two I’ve had. And at my age (55) I’m okay with that. But to the others who are wanting that, go for it. To each his (or her) own!

Lisa, that’s a lot to deal with on top of your own stuff. Again, I say, just take your time and don’t rush anything. Have fun if you can and enjoy being with him if you can. That’s about all any of us can do, it seems.

Gotta go. Gotta get my granddaughter at school. ~Oneta

May 8, 2007

Thank you for your replies. I feel better when I talk about it instead of trying to "be strong". For the first time in 5 years I am having to put myself first. I always would put Jay first since he was sick and I just wanted to make him better. The last year of our relationship we rarely left the house to do anything because he never felt well. I take comfort in the fact that he is in a far better place free of pain now, but I miss him so much. Even though we never really went out and did things together, I was perfectly happy sitting on the bed watching TV or playing games with one another. He was more than my lover he was my best friend, my only friend. He is the one person that really knew me. Everyone keeps telling me that Jay was put in my life to let him be loved and happy before he left this earth, and now I get to go find the man that is on earth for me. That kinda irritates me because Jay was my everything, my true love, how the heck can I love someone even close to how much I loved him? Of couse I want kids and a husband one day, but Jay is the only one I want as my husband and my kids father. I know God has a plan for me, I just wish he would discuss it with me so I have some sort of comfort. As far as right now goes I doubt I'll ever be truly HAPPY again.

May 8, 2007

Cnpjrs4e, I hurt for you. I am so sorry for your loss. My son Joey was just a week from 24 when he died last July, and walking together for a while in grief is what I did with his love Betsy. She is now after 9 months beginning to feel as she can live again, and maybe one day love again, but it's a journey of support, strength and healing in getting there. It's a hard journey, but we are given such amazing hearts to endure the challenges of life, even loss. We learn after a time to cherish the memories and even smile again when we think of them, though often still through tears too, because we miss them so. You are so young, and you are right, you have your whole life ahead of you. One of the things most of us go through after the shock settles and we grieve, is that we feel guilty for going on, no matter what it is that we do in life--we may at first feel guilty for smiling and feeling, and living, because our beloveds aren't here living too. But I believe they would want us to live and laugh and love. It will be in your time. In the meantime you need to take good care of yourself physically and emotionally. We all grieve differently and for various amounts of time. Some of us grieve a lifetime, but manage to carry on in some sort of uplifting way, even if its' to find ourselves one day being a support to someone who has newly lost a love. I am posting because I can relate to how you must be feeling, because I held Betsy up through a very difficult time after Joey passed, and my heart ached for her as it aches for you today. I pray you are able to reach into a good support system, be it at home, here, through friends or elsewhere. Having someone to walk with does not make the journey less painful, but it does help us to not feel so isolated and alone. Bless you dear one. I'm so sorry you are going through this... Hugs, Claudia

May 8, 2007

Cnpjrs4e I am sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance who was 30 on April 7th, unexpectedly as he kept being misdiagnosed over 6 days of hospital hell. I was with him the entire time, day and night, but that provides little comfort. I have been reading this board for a while, without posting just to see how others feel. This is the first time I have posted. I have heard it all from you are young, to you were here to love him, to you will meet someone else, etc. None of which is really much comfort and some which angered me. My counselor tells me this is a process that takes as long as it needs to. It's too soon for me to tell you it will get better. It's been a month for me and it still hurts just as much and I get just as angry at the whole thing. I hope something does come out of it, but most mornings I dread waking up and remembering that I can't call him or hold him. Sometimes it helps just to focus on the day to day and not think about the future. I hope you do find a good support system. Without my friends it would be much harder.

May 8, 2007

Cnpjrs4e and Guest: I continue to offer my sympathies for what you’re both going through. I sure can identify with you since I was so young when I went through what you are now. I can understand why it would make you feel angry to have people tell you such things as “you are young” or “you were here to love him” or “you will meet someone else”. I, too, was told such banalities, and I, too, resented them. When you lose the one you love, you don’t want to be told such stupid things. Being told that Jay was put in your life "to let him be loved and happy before he left this earth" is, in my opinion, maybe well meant, but seems very insensitive for how you’re feeling. I was also told similar things, and at caused much confusion in my young 21-year-old mind. Please keep coming back to the website and telling us how you feel because you need to do that with people who aren’t going to tell you “you’re young and you’ll get over it”. But also, like 4everjoeysmom said, her son’s love, Betsy, is beginning to feel as though she can live again, and maybe one day love again, but it's a journey of support, strength and healing in getting there, and it is a hard journey. I have heard it described as “grief work”, and it truly is “work”. Prayers and blessings, ~Oneta

May 8, 2007

To all the new women on this board,welcome, and I'm so sorry you have to be here...take care of yourselves, I know it's hard, and do whatever you need to do to grieve in YOUR way - don't let anyone else tell you what to do! I was reading on some other board how this one woman's boss told her she should take her wedding ring off after her husband died - how awful for someone to do that! I swear, people can be clueless, and a lot of it is their own fear of death and dying, I think.

Claudia, I think it's wonderful you were there for your son's beloved! I don't know how I could have gotten through this without the support of Ishaq's family. His sisters and I have become even closer, and I was blessed to be able to spend Christmas back east with the whole family. My own dad is great, but he remarried after my mother died and I don't see him often, and the family he married in to is large and more, well, normal, I guess than my more eclectic spiritual/mystical life and practices. Ishaq's family are all a lot more like me - even to his stepmom being a Sufi too, and his dad's current wife being into Sufism as well. His dad is in his 80s and still does yoga every day.

I actually got some gardening done today, but now it's gotten pretty hot, so I quit. I needed to update some products on my online store anyway, and I check over here from time to time as I work on the computer.

I'm happy for all of you who are exploring new relationships, though I'm with April - I don't think I'll have another relationship. For one thing, I feel so connected to Ishaq in his spirit form that I feel he's still with me, and we are just exploring a new relationship, in a new way. And I realized that before him I had two other long term relationships. So for the first time in about 30 years, I'm living on my own again, and while it gets lonely sometimes, I find I'm comfortable living alone. And Ishaq's things are still all over the house, the things we bought together, his guitar, his pictures on the altar. My job now is to get his writings and his music into books and CDs so they will always be remembered. So I certainly find I'm busy enough, with starting my own business and working on his things.

I keep you all in my heart and my prayers,

Anna

May 8, 2007

Oneta, You are so right! I could never had said to Betsy that she will find someone new. Yes she is so young, but that as you said does not minimize the realness or the pain of it all. For all intents and purposes, how could she feel something like that? How could she imagine that smeone could replace Joey? It's so sad when people say things because they really don't know what else to say. I was just "there for her". And in my own journey she was able to find strength through me, and sometimes we would just cry together. I am grateful that I could help her through the darkest of days. That is truly what brought honor to Joey...loving her and being there for her. I still keep in touch with her and it's a blessing for both of us. It is our own journye, and I think it is the most beautiful thing to connect to others who can walk with us and understand and comfort, and love us through the pain.

Anna, I am so happy for you that Ishaq's family was such a comfort and blessing for you. No matter what our lifestyles or beliefs are, when we lose someone it hurts so badly. The isolation is hell when we're misunderstood and left to figure it out ourselves because people don't know how to stretch outside of who they are or what they believe to offer love and comfort. I have read many of your posts, and you are so loving and supporting to these women who are journeying in the loss of their precious beloveds. I can only imagine Ishaq must be so very honored and proud of you. Blessings, peace and love to you.

May 8, 2007

Oneta, Thank you for responding. Last summer when I was in MI, I put together a reunion for our high school as a way to keep busy. One of the men that attended took me aside and asked me how Terry died. When I started to tell him, he started crying. I was shocked that he was so emotional and then he explained that his wife had passed away a year before. End of summer, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had surgery shortly after that. Since then he has called me several times to talk and tell me what he was going through. He just met a girl that he is starting to care about and has told me all of their options in that area. I am just his buddy, but I never knew him before the crying incident and wondered several times why he feels that he has to share all this with me Now I know that it was me that had to hear it, and I also have a buddy to talk with that has been through it.

Jim called me this morning and his doctors are recommending that he will be a great candidate for a new treatment for prostate cancer called Provenge that should receive FDA approval on May 15th. While his doctors are very excited about it, IMO that will only delay surgery that much longer if it doesn't achieve the desired results. I do know that he has received extensive testing every 3 months for the last 7 years while he was doing the holistic treatment, and no alarms went off until recently. They don't believe it has spread beyond the prostate, but I am not sure about that, 7 years seems like a very long time.

I guess I just have to let go and let God.

Linda

May 8, 2007

Lisa- that's awful about the drama with hockey boy's ex. I guess you just have to ask yourself "is it worth it to be with him?". he really does like a great guy anyhow regardless if it's a long term relationship or not! is there anyway possible YOU can remove yourself from the drama? I would think that's really the last thing you need right now. I guess if worse comes to worse you just really need to figure out how to seperate yourself from HIS issues,yk? (((Hugs)))

May 8, 2007

April and Oneta, Hi there, thank you for the support, I really appreciate it. I am trying to keep his "stuff" seperate from mine. I am focussing on getting ready for summer with my boys, studying for the GRE's and applying for grad school next spring. Also, I am still thinking about that new baby and how to get one! I really do like being wih him and I think that he is a great guy and I hope that it will be worth it if I can hang in there. I just left a message for my friend who got into the accident - I haven't talked to her in person yet which might be good since I am still not sure what to say! I just hope that I can say whatever I need to so that she can hear it. My therapist is cutting me down to every other week visits and I swear on the off week my life goes crazy. How am I going to make it through the summer when I will see her only once a month. I am gonna lose my marbles! Hope you are all good. Take care, Lisa

May 8, 2007

Lisa, divorce is an ugly thing sometimes... most of the time. If you think this guy is special, maybe you can back off for awhile until he gets some of his problems taken care, and then go on. Take some time to think about it.. his exwife will be in the picture for many years to come especially if they have a child. I am speaking from the experience of being an exwife and a second wife to someone who had an ex. For the right relationship, all the problems are worth it but the key is complete honesty.

To the new posters... I am so sorry you find yourselves here. Going back to work is tough, getting up in the morning is worse and for awhile nothing seems to be worth the time and effort. I hope you can take heart in the words you see here from some of us who are further along.

Today was heading in a downer direction and my Scottie's decision to go after a Yorkie (didn't hurt it) capped it off. I say down and bawled and bawled. Sometimes the little things end up being the proverbial straw.

Best to all... Mary Jo

May 8, 2007

Hey, Michele...have a peaceful and enriching vacation from life as you know it! I am thinking about doing the same thing when I get done traipsing around with my mom... finding a place where I have never been, taking my books and journal and trying to sort out where I go from here. A porch overlooking a lake with a few pine tress would be my choice. MJ

May 9, 2007

Oh my, tonight is a tough night. Day 5. I feel suicidal as the reality sets in. Do not worry. I will not act on it...because of my children. But I really do not want to go on without him. I just want to be with Richard, in whatever way possible. I cannot reach him. He has not appeared to me in 3 days now.

I can pull it together during the day when I'm at work, but at night...

I miss him so...

May 9, 2007

Karen, don't give up...I remember when Ishaq passed, at first I didn't dream about him very often, but as time went on he came more often, and he still comes in my dreams, and I feel his presence, even now after 9 months. Richard will be with you. Sometimes the signs are more subtle and harder to see...this is all new for him, too, in his new form. I think it takes them a while to get used to things too and then figure out how they can best communicate with us, and each of them has their own individual way of doing it. Just like in their bodies they had different talents.

I remember those early weeks...I live by a river, and I used to think that it would be so easy to walk down to the river and lay in it and float away, but I knew I wouldn't do that. Keep posting here - we all understand where you are at right now.

Blessings,

Anna

May 9, 2007

This week I spent most of my time in the yard cleaning it up. Last year I did nothing outside because I was with John in the hospital from 3/24/06 to 8/11/06 - day and night. I have no idea how I did it. Every day I would fix my face, hair and put on a smile. I believe that is why John lasted as long as he did in the hospital. What a nightmare, so, so many tubes, IV's around him. It was funny and sad at the same time before I would arrive he would make sure the nurses put special cream on his lips to soften so he could give me so many kisses. My guy had sexy lips. Miss and love him so much. My daily routine in the morning - I have Johns altar in the living room with a candle that stays on 24-7, a small candle which I lite daily, a bronze wheat (which was taken off the corner of his casket), a musical card that plays "My Endless Love" "You are my beginning and my end, you are my dreams and my reality - You are the love of my life", angel statues and a small wooden cross. I also have three pictures of John. One in his suit when he was a restaurant manager (looking sooooo very handsome) another with a full grown beard (he became a truck driver for 3 years after his parents died he could meet and greet the public so we ended buying a truck which he drove until he went back to the restaurant business) and my final picture is the two of us together - faces cheek to cheek with wonderful and beautiful smiles (when he was paralyzed. So I have many faces of John that greet me every morning and I kiss each picture first thing in the morning and before I go to sleep at night. I also talk to my musical clock (I should say clocks) I bought another one for my office. They make me happy. Yes, they both go off various hours when they should not be playing at all. No matter what anyone would say I know John has the control. I am very sane. This sane person truly believes in spirits. So girls you now know my daily routine.

Prayers, Love and Hugs,

Dorothy

May 9, 2007

Hello, all. Just reading what was written last night. I’ll start with Anna since she’s first after mine.

I, too, am appalled with the insensitivity and outright cruelty it seems of some people, and even their effrontery to think that they should tell other people how to grieve. Telling a person to “take off their wedding ring” is about the worst. Just because someone dies doesn’t mean you stop feeling that special connection to them that you had when they were alive. I most especially agree with what you said about a lot of it being their own fear of death and mortality. Like you said, they certainly can be clueless!

I think it’s wonderful, also, that you have such a great relationship with Ishaq's family. I, sadly, don’t have much of a relationship with Lamar’s family, which I’ve shared some about, and I deeply regret that.

I so envy your ability to stay connected with Ishaq now and with the “dreams” (I’m not sure what else to call them) that you and also Dorothy has. This is a big problem for me because I’ve stopped dreaming about him. I wonder sometimes if I don’t want it too much; i.e. maybe I’m trying too hard. I’ve dreamed about him off and on over the years, which has been nice, but now I want to dream about him or “feel” him near, and I just can’t. Also, and maybe some of you have some insight into this, I feel somewhat guilty that I WANT to have this much “contact” with him because of being remarried. Maybe some of you already-married or into-a-new-relationship people might have some thoughts on that. I want to feel Lamar and dream about him, but at the same time feel I’m being disloyal, even maybe unfaithful in a spiritual sense, to Jack for feeling that way. It’s very confusing and probably part of the reason for my many sleepless nights (one of which being last night again!). MAN, if someone could just write up some RULES FOR BEING A WIDOW so I could just follow them, maybe that would make it easier!

Claudia, I agree, being young doesn’t minimize the realness or the pain; in fact, maybe it makes it worse. Just because someone wasn’t married yet (or married at all) or had only been married a short time doesn’t minimize their pain. In fact, for me it made it worse because I felt we had been cheated from a lifetime together. Honestly, even after all this time, I STILL feel that way. All the could haves and might haves…

I also think it is great that you could support Betsy through her grief. It sounds like you supported each other. Having someone to just cry with is not a small thing. Part of my problem has been not having anyone to share my feelings and thoughts with, even “back then” in 1972-73, maybe ESPECIALLY then. Oh, I don’t know, I at least got some sympathy then. Now, no one – most people anyway – don’t even know that I’m going through this. So again, I say how wonderful it is that you have been there for her to talk to and cry with and share with.

Linda, from what you’re telling me, I would say that it still looks very hopeful for him. If they believe that it has not spread outside the capsule, that’s VERY good! Metastasis doesn’t happen with prostate cancer unless or until it gets outside the gland. We didn’t find that out with Jack’s until after the surgery when they were able to do definitive testing of the tissue around the outside of the gland. Maybe the holistic treatments he has been getting has kept it in check, but from what reading I’ve done of it at some point they will probably need to do surgery, as that is the only real way they can get it all. Being somewhat of a medical person myself, I’m not much on the laser treatments, seeds, and such because it damages the tissue around the rectum and ureters, which cause other problems. But that part is free, just my opinion. He needs to do whatever he feels he needs to do with it. I know it’s hard on you, having experienced loss before, and none of us can tell you what to do as far as whether to pursue this or not. I have heard of Provenge, but don’t really know that much about it. It’s probably a very good thing you have had your “buddy” to learn from so you have some background in this issue. Not a one of us can be given easy answers, I firmly believe.

Lisa, it can definitely be scary to think of going so long between sessions with your therapist if she is really helping you. But hopefully the summer will go quickly and you’ll find you’re stronger than you thought.

MJ, a cabin on a lake surrounded by tall, thick trees sounds like a place I would love, as well. Hope you get lots of journaling done and sorting things out and you are able to come back a new woman… (or at least with a few things sorted out in your mind that weren’t sorted out before).

Karen, I can sure relate. Please think of us when you’re tempted. I think most, if not all of us can relate to the feeling of just wanting to “end it all”, the struggle, the pain, the emptiness. I, too, used to be so tempted when my pain was the worst. I would take pills for sleeping, and if I couldn’t sleep even with what I had taken, I’d just take more. I would think, “Now what if this kills you?” Then I would think, “Oh, so what! That’s what I want anyway. At least then I’d be with him…” But we must always resist such thoughts, especially when there are children involved, but even if there are not. If you feel strongly tempted, tell someone. OK?

Well, this has started off another difficult morning for me after another difficult night of lying awake for two hours solid and crying. I’ll work some more in my yard since the weather has stayed surprisingly cool for Texas. Trying to get all my weeds pulled and mulch put out before the mosquitoes get too thick… and BIG! Have a good day, everyone. My thoughts and prayers are always with all of you. ~Oneta

May 9, 2007

Hi im just reading through what some of you wrote and I thank you for your comforting words. The past couple of days I have felt pretty ok. I have not cried much and I do not have my panic attacks anymore. I am kinda worried that I am not grieving "properly" if thats possible. I keep telling myself he is not comming back in hopes that the magnitude will sink in eventually. Maybe it already has, I mean I kept hearing over and over in the hospital that he was going to die, and honestly I felt the worst at the hospital. Now Im kinda at peace, do you think this has something to do with me knowing that Jay was miserable here on earth? He could not do anything, he was always so sick. He always felt that he was holding me back from my life because I always stayed in with him. Maybe he is in sprit comforting me right now telling me that I need to go and live my life. The 1st week and 1/2 after he died I felt like I wanted to die to, that I would never be happy, and that my whole life is ruined. Now I feel like I can go on, not in a relationship sense yet, but just go on in life. Is this normal or am I living in denial? I loved Jay with all my heart, I still do, but I fell giulty about feeling "normal". I think I may have lost my mind along with Jay.

May 9, 2007

cnpjrs4e, you have not lost your mind. But it must be "normal" to feel that way because I think most everyone of us has said that at one point or another. I really do believe that part of why you feel the way you do now is because of the realization that he is not in pain any longer. There is a difference in the way we experience grief from "expected" death and "sudden" or unexpected death. During your time together during his illness, you may have been able to talk about things that you might not have if his death had been unexpected. Is this true? That might be helping you right at this point not be in so much denial about the situation. Guilt seems to be another feeling for the survivor that is pretty common. A counselor I have seen some, on the first visit to her, asked me if I felt guilty about anything. My answer surprised even myself because I quickly named about 10 things I felt guilty about. I think the thing is not to feel that you aren't grieving "properly". I think several on this site have commented on what we believe that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Grief is a very personal emotion and experience. No two people process grief the same way. Please just be at peace with the way you are processing yours. Take a lot of time for yourself during these first weeks and months. Be very gentle with yourself, including how you feel about yourself. I am praying for you. Blessings, Oneta

May 9, 2007

We talked about getting married all the time, but he did not want to until after he got a lung transplant. He always said that if anything ever happened to him he did not want to leave me in debt with hospital bills and rent I could not pay. I always knew Jay "could die", he has a critical illness that there is no cure from. I just never really wanted to think about it, and I never thought it would happen this soon. He said on many occasions that he wishes he would just die, because he could no longer handle the pain anymore, and that everyday was a battle for him. So when I cry I realize that I am only crying for my own selfish reasons, because I want him here. I do know that he is in heaven now, with no pain, tears, or sorrow. Thats what I take comfort in, and the fact that I will see him again one day.

May 9, 2007

Good morning everyone. Karen after reading your post I was thinking how much I understand your feelings. My Scott died 9 months 17 days ago. I was just thinking before reading your post that Scott once told me "when it's time I'll come get you" (we lived miles apart) I remember after he died crying and begging him to "come get me now."

But of course there is a God who must want us all to still be here. And I think about the pain I am in and that I would never inflict that pain on other people I can't bare the thought of that. Because I know how awfull it really is to loose someone.

I still believe My Scott will come get me (when it's time)

One day (when it's time) your Richard will come get you too.

As far as feeling him now, I think maybe Armaiti is right I think perhaps it does take them time to find ways. Sometimes I think we miss the little things they send. I know, to people not going through this, it probibly sounds crazy but I have seen too many things to not believe that they communicate to us. Don't think because time has pasted that he won't "make himself known" again. I know that desperate feeling of just begging to see any sign at all and eventually it comes. We don't know how it works where they are. So just try to have faith, he is there. I know easier said than done. But try to just hold on to what you need to hold onto. I believe God allows these things to help us cope.

To me the nicest thing about this site, is that there are so many things in grief, that when you are going through it, you think your the only one or there is something wrong with you and than you read here and you realize everyone else is or has gone through the same emotions, the same thoughts.

Hang in there Karen Just one second, minute, hour, day at a time.

God Bless

May 9, 2007

Scottslove and Karen and Anna, I hope you're right that they will be able to make themselves known. I am struggling with that very much right now. I find little comfort in the thought of waiting ANOTHER 30 years until I finally die of old age before I see him again!

cnpjrs4e, Lamar was concerned, as Jay was, about the medical costs and my being left with all that after his death. His illness was not as long and drawn out as Jay's was, and I never knew about the options he was given for surgery that he turned down, hoping he would die to spare me the expense. I'm glad you are at some peace knowing he is out of pain. It must have been very hard to watch him suffer and say he wished he could die to be out of the pain. Yes, it is somewhat selfish of us, I guess, to miss them when they were in so much pain, but face it, living without them is hard. I, too, take comfort that Lamar is not suffering anymore, but I sure wish I could see him and talk to him and see his sweet smile once again. Don't mind me. I'm just having another hard day. Blessings, Oneta

May 9, 2007

Oneta, I'm sorry your having a bad day. It's hard to find good ones isn't it. I know what you mean about the 30 years thats about what I figure I have also. It's unbelievable how you can long for someone. I read somewhere, where they talked about "longing" being one of the stages of grief well for me its going on 10 months and the longing is still there. Scott and I had many plans we never got to make happen and I try to avoid even thinking of it all now when I do the longing is just to much. They say the only way through grief is through it but to me it is just what life is now not something I can see getting to the other side of, atleast not untill those 30 years are up. It does help when I can get the sense that he is still with me. Maybe there are little signs that your missing. Sometimes I feel him, sometimes it's something more obvious. Sometimes just when I think he isn't coming back something will happen and I know he is here. And I don't care what anyone says real or imagined these are the things that help me get through. If you're not feeling him now I bet you will. Hope your day gets better

May 9, 2007

Richards ex-wife called today to tell me about the funeral service. Left a message. I had been trying to reach her, but she would not return my calls. She had previously asked me if there was anything I wanted of Richards. I told her I would like one of the earrings I gave him four years ago...he had a pierced ear. She asked which one...I said I didn't care. I would just like to wear one of them because he wore them all the time. Anyway, you all would understand why I wanted it. She left a message to tell me that I could not have anything of Richards. Also, she just wanted to let me know that Richard was seeing someone else and she would be sitting with the family. I could sit in the pew behind the family. A little history: Richard and I broke up for about nine months during our 4 year relationship (I broke up with him), and he started seeing this gal. He dated her for maybe four months, then one day he emailed me to see how I was doing and asked me out for dinner to talk about what happened. It was like magic for me. I no longer had any doubts and I wanted to get back with him. He was hesitant because I had hurt him so. We worked out all of our problems, and we were a couple again, planning to marry. His family liked the other girl better and told him that I was not good for him. He told me that he had broken up with her, and had never been intimate with her. So now, I'm wondering if he was lying. I simply cannot believe that he was. I simply cannot believe it. I cannot believe that someone would leave a message like that on voicemail. And I'm wondering if I should go to the service. My thinking is that I should, because it is about honoring Richard..not about these silly other people, who expouse to be religious but are so cruel.

My work was so sweet to me today. I simply could not stop crying. They sent me home, told me take as much time as you need, and gave me money from petty cash to help. My son counted it...$800...should I keep it?

I don't know how to do this.

It is some consolation that I was the person that went through Richard's mind. He called me at 4:30, at the very moment he collapsed. I was able to talk with his secretary today (before the voicemail) and she said that he told her what a wonderful time he had in Seattle with me, how much he loved me, and that he would like me to begin overseeing the financials of his company (I'm an accountant). He asked me do that because he said that I was the only one he could trust.

That doesn't sound like a man that is seeing someone else, does it?

I am going crazy, I think. I want to maintain dignity, but I just want to cuss his ex-wife out. Should I acknowledge the exgirlfriend? Is it okay to ask her questions? I want to know the truth.

May 9, 2007

Scottslove, Thank you for understanding what I’ve been trying to say. I have no one in my life at the present who gets any of this. As for the longing, I truly wonder if it ever stops. A counselor told me once that whatever I was DOING to make the longing continue (and she said that I knew what those things were), that I needed to stop them immediately. Now I don’t know what any of you think (well, I might…), but I don’t think we DO anything to make the longing continue… it just does! If you truly love someone and they suddenly aren’t there anymore and there’s no way you can talk to them or even email them, why would people think we DO anything to make the longing continue. Well, that’s kind of a pet peeve of mine. I don’t think 10 months is any time at all to try to get past the longing. In my book, longing is a natural response to cold turkey not seeing anyone anymore. Am I right? I also can understand the feeling of not being able to ever get around the grieving. I used to think that’s what I needed to do, but there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight. I do agree, however, that we shouldn’t try to short-cut it (which only takes me back to the longing issue). As for the little signs, I’ll keep looking. Maybe I don’t know what I’m even looking for. Anna says that for those who have recently died, that they’re new at it and they have to look for ways of communicating to us that they’re around. Mine, however, has been gone for over 30 years, so you’d think he’d have gotten the knack of it by now. I think it’s me that needs to catch on. The day has gotten a little better. At least I’ve stopped crying. Some days, that’s progress. I hate to burden you. I should be encouraging you. Yours is the fresh loss; mine has been going on forever (so I should have the hang of it by now, shouldn’t I? Oh, well…).

Karen, I feel so bad for you about the way Richard’s family, especially the ex, is treating you. I think, from what you’ve told us here on this board, the one to trust is him and the ones to not trust is them. I think someone who wanted you to take over the financial aspect of his business has put a lot of trust in you. They’re being absolutely awful to you about not giving you anything that belonged to him, especially things that you had given him. Why on earth would they want those things, anyway??? As far as the funeral, it IS about honoring him, but the way they are treating you is something to consider. Do you have anyone who could go with you, sit with you, be with you? Just a thought. That was very sweet of your work to let you have some time off. And should you keep the money? By all means. They have offered it to you so you don’t feel such a rush to get back and can have SOME time to heal, so I think you should take it in the spirit in which it was offered. Back to the girlfriend, if you were to ask her questions, is there anything that makes you think you could trust her to tell you the truth? Again, it sounds like Richard is the one to trust, and if he told you it was over with her, then I think you should believe him. Don’t let them take that from you, too. If they can break down your trust in him, they’ve taken a lot, haven’t they? Just something to consider…

Thank you, again, both of you for being so sweet and supportive. I really appreciate it. ~Oneta

May 9, 2007

Oneta, please don't feel your burdening me. I'm so glad that there is somwhere for us all to talk about our feelings there is no one here for me to do that with so I come here because you all know how it is. I don't care how long ago it was for you. Like I said before I can't imagine ever being past this sorrow, yes I carry on, no the people around me don't know what I'm going through they wouldn't understand if I tried to explain. Why should you beable to be more supportive of us then we are of you? 30 years ? that just means you've been without him longer. How do you get a handle on pain? There is no way I know of.

I know it will sound silly. But sometimes little signs can come from nowhere a few weeks after Scott died I was driving up north (I'm in Wisconsin) and I was lost up in these beautiful hills I was driving around and for some reason felt compelled to take a certain road even though I was trying to get back to where I had started from and I really didn't think that road was the right one to take but I took it any way. Suddenly I passed a street sign that said Scotts way. On that same road I saw something else that had to do with a song we had both loved. (To hard to explain) All I'm saying is it can be anything and some things you will discount and some things will be obvious. to you anyway. I find alot of times 2 or 3 things will happen in a row and so if you have doubts about one thing the others will be clear.

Karen it's like I said before it seems like everything on here is something some one has been through before. When Scott died his drug inducted x wife showed up, Scott had a stroke and he died over 10 days. Scott didn't call her but he was on a ventelater the last 4 days and was basically already brain dead. This is when her son called her and she flew in. I got to stand on one side of his bed while she stood on the other side professing her love for him.

and saying other inappropreate things that I won't go into here he had told me about her and none of his family wanted her alone with him. Especially his Mother (who died 28 days after he did) So I just stood there making sure she didn't do anything too odd. Even the nurses were alerted about her. I was lucky however because his family did their best to protect me from her. All I could think at the time was that I was going to protect him. She said nothing to me just to him though he was beyond responding or understanding. I remember thinking that when it was all said and done her behavior was going to bother me but at that moment it was only about his family and him. Well sure enough she waited untill after his Mother died, Scott and his Mother were very close. In the hospital Scott's mother had told me that the x couldn't be trusted (as he had also told me) And that there was nothing between them. Well after his mother died ( which as I said was 28 days after he died ) The x said that she and Scott had been talking about getting married again. Even though she had just married someone else a month or 2 before this.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you what this did to me, even though everything I know told me different, even though his family told me different, Even though he told me everyday how he felt, of course I started analizing every word he had said to me rethinking the relationship wondering if I missed something.

And that, I would imagine, is what you'll go through now. So I hope you'll hear me when I tell you, don't. You have to know in your heart what the relationship between you was. You know the reality. When they are gone you can not ask so you have to remember and know deep inside. No matter what she says no matter what the family says, if he didn't love you why was he there? Wouldn't he have been with her if he wanted that? His family, his x what do they know of what you shared? You have to hang tough on this one. I would not do anything but behave with respect for him you would want him to be proud of you. As for asking the woman questions well it seems to me that even if she is truthful her understanding of his feelings may be misrepresented even if she thinks she knows how he felt. You are the one who knows how he felt, remember that.And the fact that thay won't give you anything even the things you gave him? That says something about them. And telling you you can sit behind family? Where are these people's heart. You hang in there you loved him and you know he loved you...that is all that counts.

May 9, 2007

Oneita and Scottslove:

You, of course, are both right. I will not ask the ex-girlfriend any questions...because you are right that it is her perspective. I believe Richard and what he told me and nothing else matters. If it is necessary to converse with her, I will just tell her that Richard said wonderful things about her (which he did). Thank goodness, because I'm a horrible liar...simply cannot do it.

All three of my children will go to the service with me. They are wonderful children and they are very supportive of me. I have already warned them not to speak of any of this...all I need is their moral support. We are there to honor Richard, and we will not stoop to their level.

I am doing my grief work, and I hope that someday soon, I will be able to support you all and the newcomers as you are supporting me.

One of the really good things that has come of this....some of the people that I least expected have shown me such an unbelievably good and caring side. I know that I will come out of this as a stronger, more giving person, simply because of what I have received in this process. And the realization, which I thought I understood before, but I didn't fully, that each day is precious. Each action or inaction toward others counts.

Thank you so much,

Karen

May 9, 2007

Karen-I went through a similar situation with an ex-girlfriend of Darren's at the time of his funeral. She wanted to be involved in the funeral planning and wanted some sort of recognition for the 17 years they had know each other (in those 17 years he was married and had children with another women and had lived with me for the last 2 years of his life) She even showed up at the funeral home on the night we were planning the funeral even though she had been asked not to. The best part was at the funeral she wore a veil (I assume to symbolize the mourning widow). I just couldn't believe a grown woman almost 20 years older than me was acting this way. Why did she want to make a show at his funeral? She of course had made statements that Darren and her were seeing each other up until 2-3 months before his death. She states she told him to either leave me to be with her or she was done with their relationship. Well, obviously we know what he choose. I went through the wondering if it was true and I finally came to the realization that Darren was with me. He came home to me every night, kissed me goodbye in the morning, and said I love you before bed to me. I know in my heart what our relationship was and what the future would of held for us. There are times when I get angry about the whole situation. Mainly because I don't understand how he could even associate with someone so selfish. She even had the nerve shortly after his funeral to pick up his children, take them to lunch and tell them how she didn't understand why I was getting all the recognition and a bunch of other stuff. Why does she think a 15 year-old boy who just lost his father and best friend needs to hear any of that? Luckly, his son's mother does not allow him to see the ex-girlfriend after that happen. Darren would of been very unhappy with her for bringing his children into it. You just have to remember your memories and what your relationship was to the both of you. No one can take any of that away from you. I will be thinking of you. Brandi

May 9, 2007

Scottslove, Thank you so much for understanding what I cannot even express in words. I will continue to look for those “little signs”. Maybe like you say, they’ve been all around me for years and I didn’t recognize. Like one of the major streets in Austin and one we have always lived near is Lamar Blvd. Coincidence? It used to bring painful memories when we first moved here because I did everything in my power in those days to run from the pain and the memories. I wouldn’t go anywhere he and I had been before if I could help it. I wouldn’t be around people who reminded me of him. I put away pictures. Total denial. Having come out of denial, it’s like all the pain that I should have felt then has just been waiting for me. But the little signs – maybe Lamar Blvd is one of them…

Karen, By Jove, I think you’ve got it! You hang in there! I’m glad you have your children. And you have your memories and the things Richard told you. Don’t let anything or anyone take that from you. You will definitely come through this a much more caring person (not that you aren’t already, but this experience of loss really funnels things down so what is important is very clear). In my opinion the thing for you is just to get through these next few days. Take one step at a time.

Thank you girls again. Blessings. ~Oneta

May 9, 2007

Karen - I had to deal with Ishaq's ex-girlfriend after he passed. Luckily she wasn't involved at all in his life anymore, it's a long story, but she wouldn't even speak to him if she saw us together out in public. Just pretended he didn't exist. She'd talk to me - I knew her before I was with him - but ignore him. A couple of months ago I ran into her at the health food store, and she started following me around and saying all sorts of bizarre things, like she used to have a vision of being bound and pushed off a cliff and she used to think it was Ishaq doing it...and a lot of other really weird stuff. Like I wanted to hear her talk like that about the love of my life! She was horrible to him, one of those pathelogically jealous people who used to create all sorts of fantasies that he was being unfaithful (and he was the most faithful person I ever knew) - to the point of when he was so sick with a foot ulcer he had to be in a wheelchair, she was accusing him of sleeping with the nurses! He told me all sorts of horror stories about her. After the incident in the store I was feeling guilty that I didn't stop her or defend Ishaq in some way, but I was so shocked by her crazy behavior that I was literally speechless. A wise friend said Ishaq didn't need to be defended where he was now, and that to engage her more would just have harmed me, and he understood why I needed to just escape (I was supposed to do all my grocery shopping, had to do it the next day as I beat a hasty retreat to get away from this woman)

Especially when our partners are no longer in bodies, these women will create their own fantasies of how it was (or how they wished it would have been). Don't give her any energy, let your kids support you. Do you know/believe in how to shield yourself from negative energy/emotion? Just imagining your self in some sort of safe little bubble, where all negative stuff bounces off you, can help. Since I was really into Star Trek, I used to say to myself "shields up!" everytime I was around someone who seemed "off" energetically. You're at a fragile place right now, and don't need these awful people making things worse for you!

Peace,

Anna

May 9, 2007

Oneta- I am pretty much an atheist (I love pagan traditions and honoring the earth mixed in) so not sure what you'd call me? lol. Not sure where I stand on the "spirit" world. I totally am into it and WANT to beleive but always skeptical!! (That's just me!) I do think there are energies & life forces all around us.

anywho,

I have wrote about this here before, one time I asked my DH for a sign. well 5 min later a HUGE shelf (like 50+) lbs fell off the wall onto me! I decided never to ask him for another sign! lol.

oh another time on the night of the anniversary of his death last summer, I went outside where he had been sitting a year ago talking to his mom (I called her from the spot) then once we both were crying I looked up and there was a rainbow. I beleive it was some sort of sign though! (DH and I both have an affinity for rainbows and have lots of pics of rainbows,etc)

another "sign" I think I've gotten is a weird one, after he died the water heater closet door kept opening. it happened about 5 times and I told him if you are screwing with me you better stop. I had planned on sealing the door shut if it happened again. it did'nt. lol.

sometimes I'll be standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes and I will feel someone's hand on my back. of course no one is there. DH used to always ogle me and hug and kiss me while I was doing dishes..so weird! this happens to me sometimes when I am sitting on the couch facing the hallway too. it will feel like someone is touching my neck!

I really want to beleive,but I'm just not sure...I just hope it's not me going nuts.lol.

btw I am reading a book about ghosts here in the old west. it's pretty fascinating stuff. I just eat it up! there is a haunted inn not too far from here. I would love to go stay there! hehe!

May 9, 2007

Karen- that's so tough about the ex wife! I think you should go to the service. don't let them (or the situation) make you miss the chance to say goodbye! I think it's really important. dont you? when is the service? we'll be thinking of you. this is such a hard time..just breathe!!!!

May 9, 2007

I can't believe so many people had trouble with x wifes and girlfriends when it happened to me I thought I was the only person in the world who was going through this horror on top of the death.

May 10, 2007

I am so confused and I was just wondering if anyone else here has experienced this. Jay my boyfriend died April 25 of this year. He was in ICU for 3 weeks and they kep telling us he would not make it. He had a lung disease and had been really sick for the past year and I took care of him and I enjoyed that. Im even going to school to be a nurse. Well during the hospital stay I was a wreck, during the funeral I was numb, just last week I was miserable, crying like crazy, and having panic attacks, and now im FINE. What the hell, why am I fine now? I loved him with every ounce of me, he was my life and I feel so guilty about thinking about my future in a positive way. Jay would have never been able to have kids with me, and now I find myself thinking of the future with kids that I long to have. I am beating myself up over this telling my self Im not greiving right and that Im going to have serious issues later in life because of it. I miss Jay terribly, if he walked through the door right now I would cry, hug and kiss him to pieces, but he is not comming back and I get that. Im just 24 so I do not want to be miserable the rest of my life, am I wrong for this? Has anyone else felt this way?

May 10, 2007

cnpjrs4e, I can speak to this with quite a bit of experience since I was 21 when my husband died. First of all let me reassure you that (1) though you may feel “fine” now, you’re just feeling some relief of what you’ve been feeling for the past few days and you are in no way finished with your grieving and (2) there is a natural sort of relief that comes for the family of someone who has been sick for a very long time. It’s called something like “bereavement following extended illness” or something like that and (3) the fact is that you ARE young. Let me put it to you like this. I don’t know if you will be able to relate to this, but you might. I don’t know if you’ve read or seen “Gone With the Wind”, but the main character, Scarlett, was only 16 when her first husband died. Now, in her case she didn’t even love him, and you’d have to be acquainted with the story to know all of that. But the point is that when he died, she was resisting the societal pressure to mourn for the first year, wear black, not be able to “go to parties”, dance, etc. There is a scene in which she is crying. Her mother thinks she is crying because her husband has just died, which she’s not. She’s crying because she is feeling sorry for herself and doesn’t want to be forced into what she feels is an unfair compulsory expectation to mourn for someone she didn’t even love in the first place. Anyway, she’s crying, and her mother is trying to comfort her. In the midst of her tears, she says something about having to wear “this hideous black” and not being able to “go to parties”. Her mother, I think wisely understanding her youth says, “It’s only natural to feel young and want to act young when you are young.” I read that book just maybe about six months after Lamar died, and I very much related to that feeling. I was still young, only 21, and I knew I had my whole life ahead of me yet, was expecting my first baby, and I didn’t want to mope around and grieve forever. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him. As you say, if he could have walked through the door, alive and well, able to share the future with me, I would have been SO happy! But he wasn’t going to do that, and I had moved into a degree of acceptance by that time. In my case, this was the beginning of the repression of my grief, and I hope you don’t do that. But on the other hand, it was a natural way for a 21-year-old to feel. I don’t think you’re ready to run right out and find a replacement for Jay, but you’re realizing some of what I’m talking about, I think. That and the “extended illness” thing. So cut yourself some slack and give yourself permission to “feel whatever you feel”. Hope this makes some sense. Let me know if it doesn’t and if I’m all wet. I don’t want to project onto you or anyone else my circumstances. ~Oneta

May 10, 2007

cnpjrs4e - Be gentle with yourself, this is perfectly normal. I found when I was grieving the worst often I'd get this sense of calm right after, kind of a peaceful feeling, and to me that was my Ishaq coming to me and letting me know it was ok. His death was sudden and unexpected from a heart attack/blood clot, but you knew for a long time that Jay would die. On a physical level you were always expecting it, and now it's happened, on some level, I think physically your body needs to relax. There's a term my friend who's an ER nurse uses: "hyper-vigilant". It's how I was for the last couple of years with Ishaq's low bloods sugar attacks from his diabetes getting worse, never knowing if I'd wake up and find him in a coma next to me, always afraid that something might happen when I wasn't there to take care of him. And you were also waiting, never knowing when Jay's last breath would be.

You say just last week you were miserable, this week you are fine. Grief is like sneaker waves on the ocean - it is calm one minute, and the next thing you know you turn your back and a giant wave sweeps you out to sea. I've gone through weeks now of feeling calm, peaceful, and then out of nowhere - WHAM -that wave hits. This grief is still really fresh for you. It takes at least a year to fully go through the grieving process, according to my spiritual teachers - both Sufi and Red Road. Be gentle with yourself, take strength from the times you are feeling ok, know that Jay would want you to be happy again. That's what all of our beloveds want for us now, I think.

Blessings,

Anna

May 10, 2007

Dear cnpjrs4e, No worries! This process is as individual as it gets. Just don't get ahead of yourself, just relax and take each feeling as it comes. There are no "bad" feelings when it comes to grief. We all have our own way of dealing with such incredible pain. There is nothing wrong with thinking of your future. In fact, it is a wonderful thing you can think of your future. You are a strong young woman and I am sure your Jay is very, very proud of you. Peace

May 10, 2007

cnpjrs4e, Try to enjoy any moments of peace that come. Because as others have said the feelings seem to come in waves. If you are getting a feeling of calm here and there grab them if you can hang onto them all the better. You are so young and have enough time for sorrow. Just don't do anything hasty, take your time finding what will be the rest of your life. God Bless

May 10, 2007

cnpjrs4e, you are doing fine. I have found myself in the same frame of mind once in awhile. Thinking about the future then feeling guilty... and I'm 56! Appreciate the calm while you feel it and then ride the waves as they come.

"hyper-vigilant".... what a term! that's the way I had been the last 5 years of Rod's life. And in some ways the relief from that constant pressure of caregiving has been good.

Hope all of you are doing ok. Mary Jo

May 10, 2007

cnpjrs4e, I just read the letter on the Home page called "I'm right on track". It's about a woman whose mother was dying over a period of some time, and she talks about having started the grieving process before her mother died. You might want to read it. I thought it was very good to illustrate what everyone here is telling you. Blessings, Oneta

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