I Miss Him So...

[aprilmoonflower]

NAz- I'm so sorry you are going through this crap with his family. i have been there (my life was complete drama for a solid year a after DH died) just say what you have to say then move on. don't let him engage you any further.otherwise it is just going to bring you down and slow your healing (ask me how I know!) it's just not worth it. especially when folks act irrational! my sister in law told me too I was the reason my DH is dead! (Yeah ok..whatever!) people are just freaks.

[naz496]

rodless and april

thankyou so much for your reply its nice to know im not the only one. I have sent the letter anyway. Dont care what he thinks, really dont want to talk to him until he has sorted his crap out.

Darlene I read the posts earlier today but must have missed your. How truely wonderful for you,

I do hope things work out for you. Im sue you are a lovely person and deserve to be happy.

Naz

[rodless]

Naz, April is totally right...says what you have to say and move on. Dwelling on it only gives them the power. My stepkids basically accused me of giving their dad too much morphine so I know where you are. (He was on a controled pump.) They just couldn't face the fact he was dying and needed someone to blame. Probably same with your BIL. Maybe he feels guilty because he didn't do anything to help your husband so he's blaming you. ACK!!!! As if we didn't have enough to deal with!!

I'm heading off for a short weekend with my daughter. Tomorrow would have been Rod's birthday and I celebrated it by putting license plates with eagles on my jeep. I feel happy every time I look at them...just a small connection with some very good memories. I hope everyone gets through the holiday okay. Mary Jo

[darleneandhunter]

Naz -

It took me a bit, bit read and reread your letter. Rodless is right. Sit on it for a while if you haven't sent it already. If you have, you will have to deal with the backlash. However, you did right by not placing blame on anyone.

People deal with death in so many different ways. I was blamed by many people for my Mark's death. Like as in your situation, there is a beautiful little boy named after Mark who is now 8 months old. As happy as I am for the tribute, I have many mixed emotions about it. It's sort of a double edged sword. We all found out about the pregnancy only a week before his death. At his service, she told everyone that if it was a boy, she would name him after Mark. After he was born, I had a very hard time wanting to go see him, and I couldn't even say his name.

I really wish he could be here to watch him grow and be "Uncle Mark". Since he can't, it's actually been wonderful to see our son developing a relatinship with the baby named after his dad. I even have it set up that if anything happens to me, Hunter will go to the both of them as his legal guardian. They are young, energetic, responsible people, and would raise him according to my wishes. He would be with a family that loved him, and I wouldn't have to worry that Mark's family, who doesn't even KNOW him, would take him away from all that he knows.

I know it is painful, but you can't let Mal's brother ruin things for you. While you are probably right that he needs help, how many men do you know are willing to DO that in the first place? It's just easier for him to blame someone else for what happened than it is to deal with his own problems. I had to come to the conclusion that no matter how the rest of his family felt, and whether they blamed me or not, I couldn't let THEIR guilt be directed at me. WHile I still do have some regrets, I do NOT think I am to blame for his stubborn behavior. Just like Mal, Mark was too stubborn to see that he was causing his own heart disease. He worked long hours ad obsessed over having enough money. Yes, we needed some, but I repeatedly warned him that this work obsession would kill him. being a father wasn't just paying the bills and buying groceries. He had such little precious time to spend with his son that when he did, he was always tired and lethargic.

I no longer carry that burden of guilt. I did my best over the years to convince him otherwise. You have to tell yourself(and BELIEVE it) that you can never guarantee the actions of anyone else but yourself. You can beg, plead, cry and stomp your feet, but people will ultimately make their own decisions, good, bad or indifferent.

Don't let Wade spoil what little precious joy you get. Put his accusations to the side, and live life to YOUR satisfaction. It's definately hard, but the added burden of someone else projecting blame on to you makes it harder.

I hope you can find that peace you need. We all do.

Dar

[Guest Guest]

I just lost my husband on 3/12/07. He was riding his motorcycle when a car on the opposite side of the road left a driveway, crossed 3 lanes of traffic to make the left hand turn lane. An elderly gentleman hit the back end of her car just as she was about to make the turn lane and sent her car into an uncontrollable spin and she crossed into oncoming traffic. My husband had no reaction time and he hit her car, the handle bars snapped, hitting him in the chest, he flew off the bike, hit the top of her car before landing in the road. He was taken to the hospital, but died as a result of his injuries. It still seems unreal to me. I have so many emotions, but they are also complicated by the fact that he was also suffering from drug addiction. This had been part of his life for the last 20 years. He was an off and on binger who would stay gone for days(up to 7 at at time) without a word. Then he would come home and get "sober" for 6 months or more at a time before he had a relapse. Then in 2002, his brother was murdered and he became more than a binger. He became a full flege drug addict for more than a year and a half. Then he went into rehab and was clean 7 months and went on a 3 day binge then stopped yet again. Then 5 months later, Oct. 2005, his mother died from cancer and until Nov. 2006, he again became heavy user. During this time, there was such a strain on the relationship, that I was ready to call it quits. Even though the times prior to 2002 were hard, I "dealt" with it. But since April, 2002, things were never really the same. He was sober (4 months) prior to the accident and I don't know what would have happened in the relationship, but he told me that this time he was really committed to living a clean and sober life and was in counseling and attending support meetings, then suddenly he was gone and now I have so many unresolved feelings. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Love, Hate, Anger, Pity for myself and what I had to put up with. I feel so numb because I don't know what to feel. Has anyone been in a similar situation? After 21 years with someone, who when they weren't using drugs was the most loving, caring, kind, big hearted person, how do you deal with the greif of losing that person and dealing with the feelings of being emotionally abused and neglected by the drug addict side of them.

[aprilmoonflower]

Guest- it is so ironic that you posted this today. I was thinking almost what you wrote in some parts of your post! My DH was using cocaine at the time of his death. unbeknownst to me. he was the kindest man ever and not what I thoght a "druggie" would be. having a hard time with it. and the fact that he hid it from me. now I amrelaizing he was using a lot longer than I ever knew (probably years) I am so pissed!!!!!!!!! I was thinking of finding an alanon group but isn't it for those dealing with issues of family members who are ALIVE? Regardless, no one can sort this out for me but myself, but it is a horrible thing to deal with. like I didn't even know my husband. what a jerk! but also how stupid am I and never noticed anything awry? ugh! and what the hell was he thinking with a 2 week old at home!?! sigh. just wanted to tell you I have no answers but I do know a little of what you are going through. I know there are others out there that have dealth with drug issues too. hopefully they'll post too.

[kathy51]

Damn it!!!! I am so tired of the pain and the tears and the emptiness in my heart and soul.I try to do every thing to make a new start....but nothing seems to work..Oh God ...why?????I miss Stan ..please help me!!!! Kathy

[sidvis]

Kathy51- I hear you! Just cry it out, scream it out! Curse God, He can take it. All of us say, "Oh God, why? Oh God, how long?" Just remember, this dark night of the soul will pass. I promise it will, but it takes alot of hard work to get through this incredible pain. I am so sad for you, I cry for you. We all feel for you. Keep posting!!

[armaiti]

Kathy51 - I hear you too. It is this way for all of us, to miss our beloveds so and there is nothing we can do to bring them back. Don't feel you have to make a new start right away. One full walk around the sun, one full year, to grieve and feel everything you need to, and that's just the start. Talk to your Stan, he can hear you.

Last fall I found a rock shaped like a heart but with one piece broken - a broken-heart rock. I found it in the river where Ishaq and I would swim and walk and sit. I knew he sent me that rock to put my tears into. Yesterday I felt I was ready to let that rock go, to try and focus on the good things still in my life, and to know Ishaq is with me always. So I did a ceremony where I took that rock and with prayers and tobacco and sage cast it into the current of our river by our house. It doesn't mean there won't be more tears, or more pain, but I'm going to try to feel some joy in life again. It's been just over eight months for me. And I'm still lonely, here at night when the sun goes down, with just my cats for company. I don't want another relationship in my life, I am still soulmates with Ishaq and that will always be so.

Baby steps, one of my spiritual teachers tells me. We can only take baby steps on this road that we are on. Don't try to do too much too soon, it does get easier as time goes on. And it doesn't mean we forget. I do a practice every day of remembering Ishaq, things he said, the way it felt to touch his hair, to kiss him, these things I will not let myself forget. So I lay in bed before I go to sleep and remember.

I don't know if this helps or not, this is just my way, one woman's way who also walks this same sad road as you. I send you blessings and peace,

Anna

[naz496]

guest

I hear and feel your pain. My husband died 16 weeks ago and I have 2 smalll children to also look after. All these feeling, or lack there of the from numbness are all part of it. Its a llong road and you have only just begun. 16 week later it still feel like it was only today that Mal died. I Live in a fog. I know one day it will lift, but not anytime soon. I am so greatful for this site.It has saved my sanity, and I dontr feel quite as alone.

Kathy

I feel for u as well. at least a small positive on your part at least u try to make a new start. I havent and dont want to. Im sure this is all part of the bloody grief parocess.

Its a few hrs till easter morning here in australia and my 7yo just asked me if we could make and send daddy an easter card.and maybe he could send one back.

God I hate this.

dont want to cel;ebrate easter and pretend with family that its a nice day.Put on a fake smile and pretend. I am soooo over it. Its raining and got cold, and all i want to do is have Mal here. I cant even goto the cremotorium it raining. Dont fancy sitting out in the rain today, although I have done it before.

My hearts go out to all of you and hope that you all have atleast a glimmer of peace today.

Naz

[meaganlost]

HELLO. MY HUBBY OF JUST SHY OF 4 MOS DIED FEB 2 THIS YEAR. HE HAD A HEART ATTK THEN HAD A TRIPPLE BYPASS BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATLY HAD BACK TO BACK MAJOR HEART ATTKS FOLLOWING SURGERY AND PASSED AWAY. HE WAS JUST 46. HEALTHIER THAN A HORSE. I AM 34. WE WERE NEWLYWEDS. I AM 10 WEEKS PREGNANT WHICH WE DIDNT KNOW WHEN HE DIED. SO HE NEVER KNEW WE WERE HAVING A BABY...... HIS DREAM...... OUR DREAM. HE WAS MY WORLD, LIFE, HEART, SOUL. I DONT KNOW HOW TO LIVE, FUNCTION, EVEN BREATHE. I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO BREATHE. I HAVE TO KEEP THIS BABY ALIVE. IT IS ALL I WILL HAVE OF HIM. IM SO LOST AND DAZED AND FOGGED. WHY? WE WERE NEWLYWEDS. NEVER HAD TIME. THIS BABY WILL NEVER KNOW HIS/HER DADDY. TOO MANY TEARS......................

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna-that;s awesome about the rock and your letting go of sorts. my DH used to make fun of me In a good way) because when we would go rockhounding I would find and save heart shaped rocks! and it was a big huge deal (to me anyway.lol) because who ever finds heart shaped rocks? I have about a dozen! since he died I have found several more. and one has a large crack down the center like a "broken heart".

[sidvis]

meganlost-My husband died at 46. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. Keep posting here when you feel like it and keep reading. All of the women here will give witness to your sadness and pain. Keep eating and drink plenty of water for your precious baby. Peace to you and all who come here.

[rodless]

Taking a break from being in a motel room with my mom for 2 days.... need one!Todayis9 months since Rod died as well as his birthday. Kathy,I hear your pain and can really identify.I do so well for a day or two and then everything crashes.

Guest& Megan, I am so sorry that you had to find this board. I HATE it that there are so many of us on here. As Sidvis says, cry & scream it out. Takes time..

God bless us all!! MJ

[missyouhoney811]

Just thinking of all of you. I am on my way to Mass - I will say prayers for everyone for a peaceful and quiet day. My John was in the hospital this time last year. He was sick, but I still had him with me. You think you become strong until the tears start pouring out of you. I don't believe they will ever stop. Miss him so much.

Meganlost - I know what you are going through. Just stay with us, you are on the right path. Take care of yourself and be good to the baby. You had such a short time together. It's not fear. Life is not fear. You must be strong and take one day at a time. It will be 8 months on 4/11 that my husband passed. The loss in my heart is still there and will always be. You cannot replace a soulmate.

My clock just went off playing Somewhere Over The Rainbow. I guess Heaven is Somewhere Over the Rainbow. That's where John is.........

All of you - Take Care and God Bless You.................

Dorothy

[rodless]

Dorothy, I thought of you this morning at church. There were paper butterflies that the kids had made hanging from the ceiling of the sanctuary. A fan was making them "fly." Beautiful and very effective. I think heaven is on the other side of the rainbow and there is a wonderful Easter celebration going on there! Mary Jo

[lindat]

Sorry to see so many newcomers, but glad that you found us. This place is a great source of support, we all know so well the pain and the loss and offer you big hugs. I lost my Terry almost 16 months ago and although it gets easier with time, it never goes away. Holidays are especially hard, I think it is because we remember exactly where we were and what we did on those days. Last year was very hard for me and while this year has been a little easier, yesterday was tough. Sometimes I dread the day so much that I start early I guess. I am off to work in a minute, and that will help take my mind off things for awhile. I hope everyone can find a little peace today. Linda

[mishknit]

hey all....

home after a long day.

Today was easier for me than last year too.....last year my son and i were at the same home we were at EVERY Easter...this year..a different place. that may have helped, but, really, i believe it was time passing that helped.

easter was always a huge day, because tom sang in the church choir..starting at the 6am, the 9 and then the 11am service. He'd sneak out quietly in the dark, and we'd see him when we got to church. And then we'd spend the day with other choir friends, all falling asleep in their food (one afternoon drink after such a grueling schedule does that!) At our church, the tradition at the 9 and 11 am services is that at the end, anyone who'd like to gets up and joins the choir and sings the hallelujah chorus. It's pretty freaking cool......I always got up and sang..even tho I can't sing. Last year my son and i went up..noone could believe it. We sobbed thru the whole song, and left quickly, crying together in the car.

This year we sang, but with some measure of joy and peace...the tears didn't start until afterwards. A step in the right, or, at least, healing direction, i think.

I'm glad the day is over.....I even made it home in enough time to watch the sopranos on direct tv from the east coast feed, so I don't have to stay up until 10pm! yeah! I am exhausted, but ok.

and hope all the rest of you made it thru today too. And for all of you who are celebrating (or just getting thru )passover...peace to you too. We all have to move ahead, i guess. And the holidays are a big part of that.

but we'll do it.

we have too.

love all, michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Hey ladies.. it's quiet here on this board! not much to say here either. gearing up for a busy week in any case. hope everyone is as well as can be.

[missyouhoney811]

Hi everyone ..... I am not doing very good today ..... Walked out my door at 8:45 this morning for a doctor's appointment, walking on the patio, for no reason I fell forward (again) on my face. Once again I have a banged up nose, bloody and swollen lip and a scraped chin. I am a mess. The best of my story - as I was falling I put out my left hand so I would not injure my head (again) - I ended up in the emergency room. I now have a splint on my left hand all the way up to my elbow. I have to see a hand surgeon in the morning - I have a break in my wrist. I have alot of pain but I bite the bullet I can not handle drugs. I have a bad stomach.

I did have a good Easter. We went to a very nice brunch at a restaurant called Eleven. Fantastic food.

Please take care............no falling............God Bless, Dorothy

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone:

Haven't posted in awhile but have checked often to make sure you were all doing well.

Dorothy, I am sorry you fell and got hurt. I fall alot. I say it's because I have long legs and little feet. Be careful!

I have to say that I felt really depressed this weekend. Easter symbolizes new life and I just can't feel it. It just makes me miss my husband more.

I can see that we all have huge challenges. I think we are all a bunch of really strong woman and I can see why were chosen by our husbands.....

You all take care and take one day at a time.

[naz496]

hope u all got through easter ok.

dorothy I hopr u r ok.

had an ok weekend cried alot got cranky but thats usual now.

my cousin had a baby girl last week, and the next day My husbands best friend had a baby boy. They named him oscar MALCOLM young after my husband. How incredibally beauitiful. Mal will live on forever in this little boy. what a generous tribute.

hope you all found some peace this weekend.

naz

[kathy51]

Easter weekend was pretty tough for me..Saturday was the 10th anniversary of Stans death..I went to my daughters and we (Stan and I went last year too)My daughter tries hard to make my days easier...and without her it would have been alot worse....We are all (My son and daughter )in so much pain...Thank God I have my children...without them I certainly couldnt make it...I read all of your post and normally forget who post what when i get to posting my own note...But for the lady who fell..been there done that...busted my eye and broke my finger(so Graceful am I) HA!For the ones that had a bad weekend(I share your pain...for the ones that had a pretty good Easter..I am so happy for you..I send you all my thoughts and prayers...Kathy

[samrtb]

missyouhoney - you are so right. you cannot replace a soulmate. im young and i have had guys pursuing me in the past few months, but that is the one thing i have come to realize. i cannot replace that happy feeling in my stomach that i had with russ. i can't replace the love i had for him, the joy i felt with him, or what could have been with him and i. and i hate that. i know that anyone in this life that i meet going forward will always be second to him. i miss him so much. his mother told me that she loves easter because it reminds her that "christ conquered death for us all" and so her and i will see russ (and her father who just passed away) again. i love life, but i truly cannot wait until the day i am with him again. i hope you are all doing well, and i hope you all had an ok holiday weekend. you are all in my thoughts.

steph

[aprilmoonflower]

I have had a crappy few days but doing a bit better now..(I think.lol. you never know, right?) Just random thoughts will bring me to tears. even stuff that has nothing to do with me! I'm just continually sad about random things the last week. ugh! mostly things I miss and continue to miss since DH is gone. not sure if it's the holiday or not but I am in a funk! hope everyone else is doing better.

[armaiti]

Hi, sorry so many of you had a hard weekend...Easter isn't much of a thing for me since the spiritual paths I follow are different, and Ishaq and I didn't ever do anything special for it. I think when he was younger they did more, since his dead headed up the church where he grew up. I did get a call from his dad, who's a pastor and talked to Ishaq's stepmom and younger sister, so that was nice.

I'd ordered one of the pillows from the website my business is on, but with one of Ishaq's pictures on it, so I have this big cuddly Ishaq-pillow in bed now. Funny, Mckenzie, the kitten who never really knew him, is very attracted to that pillow!

I've ordered an inflatable canoe/kayak from Sierra Trading Post, so I can have something lightweight to take out to the river and paddle around in. I'm excited to get it, but will have to wait another couple of months or so until the water level goes down and is safe to go out in, as I'm a novice at this! I hope to go up to the mountains and spend some time paddling around the lakes there, picking huckleberries and other wild foods that are so abundant up here in our Oregon wildlands!

Hope you all are doing better, and Dorothy, be careful!!!!

Peace,

Anna

[armaiti]

Just a small adendum...if any of you wanted to do it, you can go to the main website of www.cafepress.com, and you can upload a picture and make your own pillow with your beloved on it. They do individual "customize your own" items as well as the store thing that I'm doing. And it looks beautiful! Just choose the home/housewares section and pick "throw pillow"

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- yeah we never celebrated Easter that's what stumps me! but I did do easter baskets for the kids (as much as I didn't want to)..holidays just aren't my thing really.

btw I have made a tile on cafepress w/ DH picture. It was only $10 and came out great (it was a gift for his mother). I am going to get some of the kids one day.

[lettyp]

Hello everyone,

Justamom/Lisa-I would love to get together and I so appreciate your offer of help with Val and Jon as they relocate to Colorado. Jon's work is on the very north end of the Springs and they plan on renting in Castle Rock for the time being. That is so endearing that your friend is also named Jay. What's even crazier is that my husband also played hockey----we used to joke that he probably learned to skate and ski before he could even walk, he was so athletically gifted. My Jay grew up playing hockey and was even offered a hockey scholarship. I wonder if your Jay knows my Jay?? Wouldn't that be funny? My Jay was born in Foxboro and grew up in Erie, PA.

I feel for everyone who's Easter was so so....this was the first holiday without my husband and it was so hard. Easter was one that Jay always looked forward to because he was convinced that I would finally prepare one of his favorite dishes...a leg of lamb. Funny how I thought I had all the time in the world to learn how to cook one. I hate this incredible feeling of sadness....I HATE THAT WE ARE ALL DEALING WITH THE LOSS OF OUR LOVED ONES....I HATE THE UNFAIRNESS OF IT ALL!

[airymoon]

hi everyone i haven't been on in a while, we lost our internet connection so i haven't been able to even check up on any one. I have to say i missed all of you and i am sooo glad to be back. I see some new "faces" and i wish those of you who are new to the board didn't have to be here but i want to say welcome to you all. A lot has happened since the last time i posted and i will tell you all later right now i do not have the energy to try to put it all into words. Some of it is good and some is not but for now i am just touching base and checking back in. I'm going to spend some time reading the posts i have missed. Today is my 40th birthday the first one without kurt. It was ok but i missed him alot. more yesterday than today. Maybe it was just dreading today and all the emotions came out early who knows. Ill write more later,

Becky

[Guest Guest]

I lost Mike suddenly 5 and a half years ago. I have been remarried for almost 3 years . I feel so guilty. I'm remarried to a wonderful guy I think, but I just can't stop wishing he was mike. I am so sad lately. I feel like i made amistake getting married again. It happened so fast. Did I do it to stop the pain? I really wanted to move on.. It is what mike would have wanted. I feel so alone. I can't take care of him. i have to take care of me. I just wanted my family to be whole again. I don't think we'll ever be. I don't know how to make it work. New guy doesn't seem to be alot of help right now either. He just works and watches TV all the time. I want him tosave me. I am so unfair. I don't think he is happy being married to me. Should i just leave?

[lettyp]

Hi Airymoon,

Have a wonderful day today. I almost said a Happy Birthday, but how can they ever be happy again, at least that's how I feel.

Letty

[armaiti]

I lost Mike suddenly 5 and a half years ago. I have been remarried for almost 3 years . I feel so guilty. I'm remarried to a wonderful guy I think, but I just can't stop wishing he was mike. I am so sad lately. I feel like i made amistake getting married again. It happened so fast. Did I do it to stop the pain? I really wanted to move on.. It is what mike would have wanted. I feel so alone. I can't take care of him. i have to take care of me. I just wanted my family to be whole again. I don't think we'll ever be. I don't know how to make it work. New guy doesn't seem to be alot of help right now either. He just works and watches TV all the time. I want him tosave me. I am so unfair. I don't think he is happy being married to me. Should i just leave?

Dear Guest - only you can know what is right for you...have you sat down and talked to you new husband about your feelings? Maybe he senses that you are unhappy and doesn't know how to talk to you about it, or is unsure of how to bring it up. I've found even though it can be hard to speak one's mind to the person you are having problems with, in the end, it works out best to deal with it all directly and in a loving manner.

Hope this helps some.

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

I can't imagine being with another man. (I've been divorced once and widowed once, so needless to say I have issues) soooo unless it was someone really great I just don't forsee it! I am actually liking being single which is kinda odd. (I even feel like a born again virgin these days lololol!) Becky, and those who have remarried you give us hope though I guess that we too can maybe be happy one day again with another. I know it must be so hard though and I imagine confusing sorting out your feelings. (((hugs)))

so I have decided to start a Holistic Mom's Network chapter where I live! I am so excited about it! yay! I need something to focus on and this is perfect!

happy bday to you becky! I hope things get better for you.

[naz496]

I managed to get through since 1pm today without crying, until I got home. Now sobbing.

I was winging(as usual) to someone last week how I just wanted to wave a magic wand, and have the chores done.. Im not greedy just once would even serfice,I am so tired i just cant keep it all up anymore. I do the best that I can and I came home and an angel had been in my house. Its the house I use to remember but it never looks like this anymore.(sorry keyboard is soaking wet from the tears(of joy).

One of my friends has come any fully cleaned my house.I dont know what to say but thankyou (my angel).

Mals dad is coming on sunday and I have been dreading how the hell I am going to have the house clean by then.

I have had a bed cover sitting on the counter for about 1 mth. To much eneregy involved in putting it back on the bed. I figured if I looked at it long enough Id eventually do it.

I am soooo blessed to have a friend like her.

I will never forget the support and thoughtfullness,

You really find out who your true friends are.I was only saying last week to councilor, people who I thought were my very close fiends have just wandered away and are too busy and consumed by their lives.( or dont know what to say).

Just finding the eneggy these days is very difficult. but thankyou thankyou thankyou.With 2 young children the adrenalin has worn off and im exausted.

My sister wont even hand a load of washing out.

For 16 weeks and 4 days Im the only one that has done it all.And its very hard work, and i think im slowly falling apart at the seams. .

i would have ended up yelling at the kids for the next 2 days as I would be tring to find the eneregy to clean before his dad got here.I even thougt abpout not taking kids to the easter show so I could clean except allredy paid for, as I am tooo tired, and its too much hassel. Am a bit overwhelmed this week.

Had it out with Mals brother this week. He blames me for Mals death. mum and tania didnt turn up to me solicitor at a cost to me of $1000.00, had to goto a barrister today about Mals claim for workers comp, and dont know how I am going to do it but have to be on the 6am train to supreme court on monday and have to get into the witness box before a judge and asked questions and be cross examined. I dont even know what day it is let alone be asked about what happened in detail 2 yrs ago. ****.

Now im really sobbing.

Not once in 16 weeks 4 days Have I had anything to be truely grateful for .

except everyone here.,I have found great comfort in this at 2 am beause I dont feel like im winging to you . you have been in or arein the same place.

Alot of my friends just dont want to know what its really like. I now for the first time can post something truely positive this about my new angel sent from heaven.

All I can do is say thanks

Naz

[missyouhoney811]

Hi everyone - Went to the Sugeon on Tuesday - they made a special hard splint for my left hand/arm. In two weeks I have to have X-rays again. Hopefully, it starts repairing itself - if not I'll need surgery. What a dumb thing for me to do. I had to put a hold on my gym classes. Damn, damn, damn..............I was so hopint to have my body changed a bit within the next two months. On hold for now. I guess I should be happy it could have been worse. Tough posting with one hand.......

Mary Jo - Your license plate with eagles is a great connection for your memories. Maybe I can find a plate with a butterfly.

Aprilmoonflower - I agree with you I will n ever get married again. I was married to only one man. I went through alot of tough times with my John being sick. At times it was extremely hard and sad. But, I did it because I loved him with every part of my body. Being his caregiver was the hardest job I ever had. If given the chance to do it again. I would - even knowing how difficult it was at times. I loved my guy from head to toe. ( It was eight months on Wednesday )

(I like that BORN AGAIN VIRGIN)

Guest - I agree with Anna - talk to your husband, let him know exactly how you feel. Please, don't do anything drastic that you might regret later. Hope you find some peace within you today.

Lettyp - My John's favorite meals - Rack of Lamb and Leg of Lamb. I was going go make a Leg of Lamb for Easter but my son made reservations for brunch. Maybe once my hand/wrist is healed I make it.

Naz - The day before you take the train perhaps your "ANGEL" can take care of the children so you can get all your notes together as to what you plan on saying. Hope as the day goes on you your heart will not be as heavy.

What happened to the trip we were planning? No mention of it lately!!!!!!

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Sorry for all my typing errors.............

My rocking chair was just delivered. John bought it for me one Christmas about 26 years ago - before our son was born. With all the medical equipment that was in the house it got banged up quite a bit. End of December 06 I had it taken out of the house to be refinished. IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. I am so happy I had it done.

Try to have a good day. Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Naz- sending lots of good thoughts your way (((hugs))) I know how exhausting this can be with kids! ugh. it does get a little easier in some ways as time goes on.

Dorothy- glad to hear about your rocker.what a nice"gift"! I'm so sorry aout your arm. I hope you are healing quickly!

As for the trip, I am still totally on board! I think if we do Sedona it will have to be in Sept/Oct though as rates are high(er) in may-sept.! anyway lmk if anyone's thought of anywhere else?

[waynesliljeanne]

I am still missing him, still losing my breath when I remember he isn't coming home, still wanting him, still....

How do I Love you,

and let you go?

I Love you so close...

That as your vision darkened

My eyes could not see.

That as your hearing deafened

My ears heard no sound.

That as your fingers grew cold

My hand could no longer feel your touch.

That as your heartbeat slowed

My heart began to faulter.

That as your breath ceased

My chest failed to rise.

That as your soul left this world and time behind

My spirit sought and longed for Heaven.

I love you so close,

That no matter how long or how far,

You are always only a whisper away,

And I will never truly let you go.

Written & Submitted by : Jeanne Riggie

[missyouhoney811]

Waynesliljeanne - Thank you for posting your poems I can relate to everything you wrote. I actually went back to your posting on 12/29 - My birthday is also on 12/29.

Take Care and God Bless,

Dorothy

[Guest Guest]

I am new to this board and recently lost my fiance' on April 9. I don't know how I can go on and don't really want to live without him but I know I have to as I have a 4 year old grandson who absolutely adored him. I don't know how to cope. How do I go on living?

[Guest Guest]

I just lost my husband of 35 years on the 14th. I really don't know how to cope. I know that my life will go on. I have the support of my children and grandchildren. That is just not the same. We were very close and lived for each other. I will miss him and will love him forever. I will remember the saying when my father in law passed away. HE IS NOT GONE. HE IS JUST AWAY.

[waynesliljeanne]

Missyouhoney - well happy belated birthday! I have written little poems and such much of my life, and recently they are a lot about loss and grief and fear - it is very true that a writer writes best about what he/she knows most. Thanks for the positive note.

I have read some of your posts - I will pray for a fast and full recovery of your wrist - they can be so touchy. do you have any idea why you are falling? are you passing out or literally just tipping over? have you had your ears checked? sometimes inner ear problems lead to balance trouble which can cause you to fall for no apparent reason. Keep us posted.

Guest - you will go on one minute at a time because to do anything less would be to dis-honor your fiance and all you had together. And one minute at a time is sufficient - the hours will eventually take care of themselves.

Going back and reading some of the posts around Easter I see so many statements that we all repeat. Holidays are hard, we cry for no obvious reason, etc. And the hardest (for me) choosing between being alone and being with someone else.

Guest who lost Mike - those are the very reasons I decided even before my husband's death that I would not want to remarry - cheating myself and cheating the other person out of the fullness of the relationship that they have every right to expect, and that I am not able to give. I would not want someone to live with the knowledge that they could never be who I wanted, and I cannot want them for who they are. It was not WRONG for you to remarry. If you love your new husband for who he is, you will be able to build on that. The love you had for your Mike will never go away, and you will always miss him. If you don't love him = in the right ways, you will not build a good relationship. And sometimes, wether we like to admit or not, it is best to stop before we make things worse. You are the only one who can make that decision. No one can make it for you, and anything we say has to be weighed carefully because we are not part of that situation and do not know the depth of it. However, we are all here in support of each other, and will listen and offer whatever we can as you explore your feelings, reasons and options.

Everyone : Take good care, and have a better day.

[armaiti]

Hi everyone..to all the new folks, so sorry you have lost your beloveds.

I haven't posted for a while; been really sick with the stomach flu for 3 1/2 days now...better today but really tired. I'm bummed, I was supposed to perform today at a Rumi festival and sing some of Ishaq's songs, but I can't do it. Will probably have to miss my Native drum group tomorrow too which I always look forard to. Oh well. At least I had a dream with Ishaq last night, I asked him to come and help me get better and after that dream I woke up and my fever finally had broken (been running 101-102 for 3 days now). So I guess he heard me!

Hope you all have some peace this weekend,

Blessings,

Anna

[jokece]

I posted this as a guest last time on March 31.Today was one month since he has gone.I cried at the cemetary a lot today.I still cry out of the blue.It hurts to cry,but I know it is also healing.

I have started counselling and it is helping.It will be a long haul,I know.

I found this site and have read many stories about others losses.I hope for some healing for you too.

"I just lost my husband of 43 years from cancer on March 15 .We only had 4 months from when he was diagnosed.I have spent my whole adult life married to this wonderful man.He was so loved by so many.

I am still in shock.I can't get through a morning or evening without crying.I loved him so much,and have a wonderful family ,but not him.It doesn't seem fair he is gone.He wasn't given much hope at the beginning.Even knowing that he fought on until he had no strength left to fight.

I have lost both parents and 2 brothers to cancer.None from his side.It blindsided us.

I know it takes time to get through all the stages.I just hate that I have to do this.I have started counselling.It has helped some so far.Our neighbourhood has also helped so much.Shovelling snow,letting my dog out,and turning on the lights for me at night.This gave me more time with my husband.

I don't know what each day will bring,but I just keep doing things and hope for the best."

[missyouhoney811]

Jokece - I know the hurt and pain in your heart that you are feeling. It was 8 months this past Wednesday for my loss. We shared 35 years together You spent most of your life with your husband. I can only imagine how you felt after your loved one was taken away from you within 4 months of his illness. My husband was sick

for quite sometime. After he passed I was in shock - could not believe that he left me - I was angry. I always thought that as long as I would pray and hope for him to get better it would happen. As sick as they get we are never ready to say goodbye to them. It does take time to get through all the stages of grieving. I am still grieving and I believe I always will. The days do get better. It is good that you have neighbors that will help you.

Keep posting. God Bless You, Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Anna - So you had a dream and asked Ishag to make you feel better and you woke up with no fever. You know I for one believe if you talk to the spirits and if there is a way they will send you a sign. You take care of yourself and get 100% better.

Sorry you had to miss the Rumi festival. How ofter do you perform?

Take Care and God Bless,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Anna - Hope you are feeling better. Sorry you had to miss The Rumi festival. How often to you perform?

I for one believe if you talk to your loved ones spirit they will give you a sign.

Take Care and God Bless,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Dorothy - I perform off and on now, I'm playing next week at a Middle East Peace Festival on Earth Day, both with our Middle Eastern band Americanistan, and also with the Native drum.

Peace,

Anna

[armaiti]

Just want to say,though, even with the good dreams, it still really sucks to be sick and not have Ishaq here...He always took really good care of me when I was sick, and I took care of him. He'd always rub my neck and his hands always felt so cool when I had a fever. And he'd make me food or go to the Chinese restaurant and pick up some hot and sour soup. I miss him every moment of every day, but when I'm sick, it's worse. I have friends offering to bring me groceries and come over which is helpful, but it's really just Ishaq I want. Big sigh.

Peace,

Anna