I Miss Him So...

[aprilmoonflower]

Manda-YES to The Secret! I watched it back in January and it has been life changing for me! it has DEFINITLY been a major catalyst (And continues to be) in my healing process! I can't reccomend it enough! (and I have posted about it here before it hit Oprah.) you will not regret it. best $5 I ever spent (I watched it online) and hey it's cheaper than therapy! lol.

Dorothy- that is so cool about the butterflies.

I too am feeling pretty well. and almost like my old self again (wherever she went after getting married, having 2 kiddos and losing my soulmate within the span of just 3 years.) I still have my moments but thankfully they aren't days or weeks anymore. overall I feel like I have come through the "fog" so to speak. I really did feel like I was in shock for a very long time. don't bget me wrong I have a long journey ahead of me. I don't know if I will ever be "whole" again. something inside me doubts it but I do feel like I am on the path to healing.

[aprilmoonflower]

btw I have been wanting to ask...

does everyone here wear their wedding bands still? I haven't worn mine for a year and thinking about getting a safety deposit box. ugh. just can't bring myself to do it though. I just feel kind of rediculous wearing my rings though for some reason. it's almost a joke to me. and not a funny one, but a sad one.

[rodless]

Sidvis, good for you! It is great to read that message. Gives me hope.

April, I don't wear my ring. Haven't for sometime. For the first couple of months it felt right but doesn't anymore. I think everyone probably has a differing opinion on this.I read somewhere that taking off you ring doesn't mean you're ready to date or anything. It just means that you're not married.

Dorothy, neat about the butterflies. Sometimes I feel like I'm guided to do something like that.

The sun is out, it's a beautiful morning in Iowa but would you believe there could be snow flurries tomorrow?? Oh well, can't last. MJ

[armaiti]

April - Ishaq and I werent' married, but I do wear a wedding ring...I"ll try to explain, this was one of his most amazing communications to me after his passing...

Last November I had a dream that Ishaq and I were getting married. In the dream, which was long and I won't describe all of here, he gave me four rings - an engagement ring and a wedding ring, two others "just to wear". Since four represents the four directions in our spiritual traditions that made sense. The wedding ring itself was the hardest for me to remember when I woke up, it seemed sort of silver, but had some sort of texture or pattern. In the dream he told me "you can have these sized to fit later".

I was so happy after that dream, I didn't expect more to come of it than that he was telling me that we were to be togehter even now that he had passed. Then, in February, I was at a music festival with some friends and saw a ring that caught my eye. I asked the seller what the stone was, it looed like tigers eye except it was grey blue. She said it was called "Eagle Eye" I really felt like it was similar to the wedding ring in the dream so I bought it.

When I got hope I looked up the stone and it's spiritual meanings/qualities and I was amazed. First, that it was called eagle eye was what made me get it, from the hawks and eagles and feathers that Ishaq has sent to me as signs over the months. It's also called "hawk's eye" But the stone itelf is related to the astrological sign Leo, which is Ishaq's birth sign. It's numerological value is the number nine which is the numerologial value of the day we got together in 1996, our anniversary date. The ring itself is pieced in a design of nine pieces. And the stone is used "to contact other dimensions, or to receive visions" and is sometimes called "the stone with the key to the kingdom of heaven".

I was blown away by all the connections to Ishaq and I. From a stone I'd never even heard of (it was only discovered in 1993). So I wear that ring on my wedding finger, the ring that Ishaq sent me from the place he walks now. When I look at that ring I remember that he will always love me and that he and I will be together forever.

Peace,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna - What a wonderful story about your ring. Unbelievable, the things we can relate to after the passing of our husbands.

I guess I'll either rent or buy the Secret. I must be living in a deep hole I have not heard about it.

Yes, I still wear my rings. I feel it is silly keeping them on but can't seem to take them off. Although, I did have them off about a month ago - for some strange reason I got a terrible rash on by ring finger which actually had to be treated by a dermatologist.

The sun is out but the weather forecast is calling for snow on Thursday. I need the sun. It makes me feel happy and real.

My instructor has me scheduled for class at 5:30 tonight. I thought I could pop in any time. The class I start tonight is called BOOT CAMP. Should be interesting..........................I feel the pain already.

[aprilmoonflower]

sidvis- you sound like you are in a good place. I know what you mean about it being easier if you just surrender to it. acceptance is hard though nevertheless! and probably even more so in your position. I did this very early on ~ accepting he is gone~ (but then again I just KNEW early on in our relationship DH would die young, just a feeling I always had and we even had many converstaions about it)sooo I really almost expected it.even when the sherrif's came to my house I knew as soon as I saw them driving up the road. I Was not hysterical just completley stunned. it was really surreal and freaks me out a little still to think about. it has taught me (Once again) to listen to my intuition (I am forever ignoring it and brushing it off).

Dorothy- bootcamp!?! uh oh! lol. I am hoping to fit some yoga in today when the kids are asleep. even just 30 min. would be wonderful! I am working on clearing a space in the computer room for the treadmill.lol. (it's full of craft stuff & books and about 5,000+ cd's,records,dvds,comics, piles of papers, instruments, etc. of DH I have no clue what to do with)

Anna- that is an amazing story! thanks for sharing that.

I bought a Mother's ring last year when I got a small life ins. payout. I wear it on my left middle finger. I probably should have saved the $ I spent on it but it makes me smile at least when I see it.

maryjo- I just hate the whole ring issue! I guess I don't want to be reminded every time I see my hand,yk?

the sun is shining here today. I have 50 more strawberry plants and 16 raspberry bushes to plant! I also need to fertilize my bare root fruit trees that are leafing like crazy. (can you tell I am turning my property into a hobby farm?!? lol.) next year I am going to look into beekeeping and I also promised DS we will get a pot belly pig (for a pet) hehe!

[sidvis]

I don't wear my ring on my left hand anymore. Like Maryjo , It just didn't feel right. I wear it on my right hand ring finger. It is a beautiful ring and I love it. In fact all the rings I own my husband gave to me. I wear them all sometimes. He had great taste!

[justamom]

Hi girls, I did wear my ring everday for a while and then I was at my cousins Bridal shower (which was a hard thing to do anyway) and my sister and I were in the bathroom and I looked down and one of the diamonds was gone. I thought I was going to lose my mind right there in the ladies room. My sister really had to keep me talking and moving to get me out of there. I asked my therapist if it was a "sign" that I wasn't supposed to wear it anyomore and she assured me that it was or I wouldn't have asked the question. I don't know I still miss it, but I have several diferent rings that he gave me that I do still wear and I am going to have the diamond replaced at some point.

Aprel, I too knew that my husband was going to go. I knew if from when we were dating and I was waiting for it as well. I agree that it wasn't as shocking for me as it was for everyone else. I did not know that I was going to be in the car with him however and that part still makes me mad. What good is intuition if the big pieces aren't there? I love to do yoga and me and my puupy are upto 6 miles when we walk a couple of times per week. The endorphines are great.

Dorothy, I love the butterfly story. Butterflies have always been very significant in my family. I intend to have a butterfly tattood on my shoulder when I am done with therapy and I am not "crazy" anymore. HA!

Manda, I didn't see the movie the secret but I did read the book and I have always tried to live my life believing in the power of positive thinking. It has been a little more difficult dealing with this whole car accident and the thought that you bring things to yourself. Not sure how to wrap my brain around all of that. I do believe in Karma as well and I think that Steve was the best person that I ever have known (Very moral, honest,positve etc.)so it sort of stands to reason that he got to go to heaven. I don't really know how any of it works - I am just trying to make sense of all of it in my head. These are the questions that keep me awake night after night with no end.

Sidvis, I am so happy for you that you are having some good days and feeling good. It is very hopeful and inspiring!

Hope you all have a good day. Take care, Lisa

[mishknit]

wow..

so many messages!

I have worn tom's ring around my neck since right after he died....I took my ring off a few weeks before the one year anniversary, and i put it on the same chain, to see how it looked. It nestled right into tom's and felt right, so there it stays. I just got a ring with the word joy inscribed on it..just to remind myself what i want more than anything in my life.

Sidvis, glad you're feeling better..it is strange when you have a "normal" day....good and weird all the same. I'm grateful i have more of them than not these days.

I guess i should see 'the secret'...what is it about? I haven't heard of it either.

dorothy....boot camp sounds, well...good? LOL! Whatever it takes, and i can certainly attest to the fact that those endorphins can really help! Hope it goes well for you.

anna...beautiful story....

april and lisa.....i never had any conscious thought that tom would die....we enjoyed life, HE enjoyed it so much, it just didn't seem possible. He had health issues that should have warned me, but, again, he was taking care of them....about a month before he died tho, we were sitting at home and he was playing a song that he had sung for a church christmas concert, and i broke into uncontrollable sobs, begging him to turn it off. It was really strange and unlike me, and, from then on, I can see that there was something different that i couldn't put my finger on, just a weird feeling. He didn't feel well the week before he died, but I didn't either, so i din't worry too much,tho i made him promise he'd get a physical SOON. and then...he just died, suddenly. when i look back i can see some sort of feeling about it, but only in retrospect..it stunned me at the time, still does.

anyway....i got thru what would have been my 18th wedding anniversary yesterday....styaed home, slept in, didn't shower or get dressed, cleaned the house. made dinner, drank half a bottle of wine and went to sleep again...and it was over. Sigh.

hope you are all doing well....

michele

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all...it has been hectic here on my end. Man, I have been a royal b lately. Oh well....

I have been reading everyday though. I thought the ring question was a good topic. I buried DH with his on. He would have been livid if I had taken his off of him...as well as his watch...I wonder if it still ticks the time for him??? The man HATED not knowing what time it was. Finding a watch for him was so hard. There was some kind of chemical with his body, or something, that use to make us crazy when finding a watch. After an hour or so, the face would turn completely black if we bought him a digital watch. Or if it was analog, it would just stop ticking all together. I still have his watch from when we first got together. The band had broken and he just never got a new one, but kept the face. I made a pocket watch out of it for myself. I don't ever use it, but it is nice to have. As for my ring...I wore it for a long time after he passed...even when I started dating again. I would take it off now and again and put it on my necklace, but I was soooooooo afraid the chain would break and I would lose my ring...so it would end up on my finger. I never really felt unmarried, so I was okay with it there. I actually felt like I was cheating on him when I first started dating again. I finally took it off and put it away the day before I flew out to see my family for xmas, and go on my first "real" date with hubby of today. Weird how things turn out...I actually married him, not really understanding why I took it off to begin with...just felt like it was time I reckon. Somebody knew before I did I think. I miss it though, and hubby today says when I go back and retreive my stuff from storage, he doesn't mind at all if I wear it on my right hand...we shall see. I know some people make pendants out of the jewelry, but I don't know if I want to forever change it like that..y/k? I was thinking of saving it for our daughter. If she would like it when she grows up, then cool, if not, then cool too...I will always have it no matter what.

Michelle...I totally relate to what you are saying about knowing something was happening in retrospect. We were sitting in the living room the last summer he was here (he passed in Aug.) and he was changing the belt in the vacuum. Our summer had been weird...he was more agitated then normal, but I contributed that to the move we had just made from Florida to Michigan, and needing time to adjust to our new lifestyle. While I was sitting their watching him, I remember quite clearly thinking to myself how I should watch more of how he does things so I can do them when he is gone. But, I didn't expect him to be gone, so that was a very strange thought. I felt very weird, and then brushed it off. After all, he was having surgery to put the stints in the other side and would be around for a lot longer...yeah right. Approx. four weeks later he was gone. I never did get to watch anything else he did. I had to learn how to do most of it on my own. Two things I can not duplicate...his green bean salad and his BBQ wings. MAN, how I miss those two dishes...........and how I still miss him. Our anniversary is this month...the 20th, but tomorrow is the new hubby's bday, so I am trying to hang tough...been really hard though..and I have been cranky as hell.

Big sigh....and even bigger (((((HUGS)))))

Angel

[missinmyhubby]

I just reread your post Michele...sorry for the extra l in your name...but, I just had a thought....We argued A LOT the next four weeks before he left. I have oftened wondered if we both knew he was leaving, but didn't really know..ya know. I have never gone through the stage of being angry with him for leaving me like others talk about, and have wondered if it is still a phase to come. And, I have sought out as to why. One wise woman on here told me not to go looking for it..and, I haven't. But the thought that just occured when rereading your post is this...maybe I have never been angry with him because I took it out on him BEFORE he left????? Hence, maybe why we were fighting so much....just a thought, but one I am going to ponder now...any ideas???

[mishknit]

angel...

you know, i can't possibly express to you how great it is to have you on this bb. You are the only one here who has moved ahead so completely, and you're insight, you're postings..so honest and heartfelt..i cannot express to you how heartening and helpful you are here. hopefully, one day, I, and others will be in your position, and remember some of the things you are saying about your path.

anyway..i just had to tell you....please keep posting, you're honesty and willingness to be open about your feelings is amazing.

thank you so much angel....

michele

[manda14]

For anyone who hasn't seen or heard of "The Secret"....FIND IT....it may be hard for some people to understand and the idea of attracting things, even negative things, to yourself is a tough thing to face, but I think it's the idea that even though this horrible thing was brought to you, you will make it be O.K again just by believing it will be O.K and really working on making YOU O.K again.

Mark and I were not married but we both wore rings on our wedding fingers. His Mom gave me a beautiful White gold and Jade ring which I wore for some time on my right hand too, but lately when I feel like I need him close, I put both rings onto my left ring finger....on a daily basis though I don't wear any rings beacause I don't want anyone to see the ring and ask if I'm married...Don't want to go through the story. ( I work with kids and they ask everything and don't ever hold back their thoughts)

Does anyone have any suggestions for some good books to read... on healing or life after loss or positivity etc...please let me know, I've been scouring the book stores lately looking for something to read that will help me get my life on track....Thanks

Manda

[sidvis]

manda14, If you believe in God, you might like the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." It was written by a rabbi. There is a little book my counselor had me read, called "The Present." It is very short, and I read it while I was at the book store one day. It is about living in the now. Peace.

[aprilmoonflower]

My favorite book about grief so far is A GRIEF OBSERVED by; CS Lewis

you can see it here

http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Observed-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652381/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-1454928-6630312?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1175612032&sr=8-1

[sidvis]

That is one of my favorites too, but I could not come up with the name! I loaned it to my sister and have not gotten it back....I am so glad you mentioned that one April.

[armaiti]

I've got The Secret coming from Netflix, so I'll let you know what I think after I see it...as for books, I found a lot of comfort in Deepak Chopra's Life After Death, it validates a lot of things that I had believed were true for me.

I'm trying to get back into walking and riding my bike, I don't like gyms and I have twenty miles of bike paths along the river a block from my house, so I like to use them. It's so beautiful there, and IWshaq and I walked there and swam there often. He rode his bike every night after dinner for long rides, so I know as I walk I am walking where he has walked and riding where he has ridden, which brings me even closer to him. There is a bald eagle flying up and down the river these days and a Great Horned Owl pair nexting farther downriver in a big cottonwood tree.

I'm really missing my trips with Ishaq, we used to go to Eastern Oregon each year as part of his work and then explore for a few extra days. I"m talking to a girlfriend aboaut going out to a wildlife sanctuary out there to camp and for her to birdwatch and me to do photography. I would so love to just get in my car and take off on a long trip somewhere, but with my vision problems it wouldn't be a good idea - for me and the others on the road! It will never be the same though as when Ishaq and I went on trips, we were so compatible and had such a good time no matter where we went.

It's supposed to rain some today here, good for my garden. April, I just got a box of dahlia tubers I bought on eBay and I'm going to put them out front, they are in all colors of the rainbow. Ishaq loved dahlias, and I know he's happy that I'm going to keep the garden going.

Peace to you all today,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

I know this is totally off topic but I thought some of you would like to see some chick pics!

http://www.xanga.com/aprilmoonflower

Anna- something is eating my kiwis! acck! (I think of you when I water them btw.lol)

it is in the 90's here!

[aprilmoonflower]

Lisa- I just wanted to respond to your post about the secret and your accident. you did not CAUSE your accident to happen, yet your choices put you in that place when it happened. there's a huge difference.

so I don't bleive you "attracted" it at all. I can't really explain too well, but I do know exactly what you are talking about. there is a HUGE difference though and it's not clearly spelled out in the movie (didn't read the book yet)! also I beleive it's really hard to grasp the whole concept. you did not make your accident happen though and you didn't deserve it. but it does make you who you are. anyway this is just my take on this..so take it for what it's worth I know you are trying to figure things out but be gentle with yourself. I can only imagine what you are going through (Or have gone through as far as post traumatic stress and stuff) hugs to you.

[justamom]

Oh April, Thank you, those are just the words that I needed to hear. I have had a very rough day. Feeling very picked upon and I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. I just feel so judged all of the time. Everyone has an opinion on what I should and should not be doing and when. My sister actually told me today that her husband is wondering if I loved Steve enough because I am moving ahead so fast. Of all people, he, my own brother in law knows how much I love him. I think that "they" all think because I am spending time with hockey boy that I have moved on and forgotten or gotten over my husband. WHich couldn't be farther from reality. I miss him as much today as I ever have and I would give anything to have him back. I don't think that I will ever get over him. But, what is so wrong with having someone to do things with me and my kids? I did not go looking of this man - he has been there the whole time and we just started hanging out together. I just honestly don't know what I am supposed to do? Sit home alone and grieve all of the time? I am sorry but I am just not built to be sad all of the time. The worst part about the "moving on" thing is what if this could happen again? I swear I could not go through this again. Just the thought of losing another man in my life is enough to keep me single forever. Everyone knows when you are in a relaionship one person is going to have to grieve over the other at some point and I just don't know if I have that in me....but, can I be alone for the rest of my days either? This whole thing just SUCKS!!! I want my husband and my life back! Been cryin all day, feel like S**t. HAVE to go grocery shopping, no cereal - life moves on.

[aprilmoonflower]

Lisa- you know the greatest thing you can do to honor your husband is to LIVE your life. If you want to spend time with hockey boy, so what?!? you deserve happiness and a life and relationships in your life,etc.! Your BIL is just confused (or something?) don't listen to him! and you know things look different on the outside at times. people probably think I am just fine and dandy. I'll never be fine again though. just because we move on doesn't mean the pain goes away. it's still there we just learn to live with it.

[mishknit]

april and all re; the secret,

i stood in costco today reading thru it....I just have to say that what i read seemed like an incredible amount of, what? opportunism by the author? not a new thought in it, and another way to make us all feel responsible for every single thing that happens in our lives. like you said april...lisa didn't cause the accident, i didn't cause tom to drop over dead..these things happaned, and without any help from us. Oh, wait..we got in the car? we bought the house that he died in? sorry....i just can't do that. I do not see how it would be possible to carry all that responsibility....we live our lives, things happen, whatever. Sure, sometimes decisions wemake have a direct correlation with a happening, but not often...and why have someone tell us to beat ourselves up about it. the author says not one new thing, just quotes a lot of other peoples psuedo-science...ugh.

and that's my 2 cents, sorry if i offendeded anyone, but what i read in that book offended me.

and , lisa.....hockey boy is good for you. he may or may not be the one, but he's helping now, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says. You know what's right, you don't have to defend your feelings about your husband, for god sakes, i don't think there is a woman on this bb who wouldn't happily kill 3 other people to get their loves back..but that won't help,a nd we know it, so we struggle along with the sadness and the guilt and whatever other feelings we have. no one else's opinions matter, truly, because this is our life and we have to do the best we can with what we're dealt.

soapbox today, i guess.....but life is hard enough without others judging us, and, especially, without US judging OURSELVES..what a waste of time that is....and what a waste of paper when people attempt to figure out what can't be figured out in a completely idiotic way....blame and judgement is the root of all evil, and of all pain..we have had enough, as far as i'm concerned.

ok, stepping off my soapbox and judgement of the book....whatever that woman writes/believes is ok for her.

big sigh

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele- see I don't see any responsibilty or blaming involved regarding the secret. I also took what "I" needed from the movie and left the rest. (haven't read the book) I know it angers alot of people though! it's definitly not for everyone! I'm sorry you were offended by it. I do admit it could be like a bit of a slap in the face.. let me give you an example though, for instance the pain you feel of losing your Tom wouldn't be there had you not loved him. it has nothing to do with you doing something to cause him to die. nobody could have forseen it. I guess I get more out of the secret is inspiration. and everyone is going to interpret it differently I suppose. but I have SEEN it work for others. like amazingly so. anyway I am really at the point I embrace manifesting what it is I want in life now. regardless of the past. but then again I think I am pretty over the past. I am sick of it..I am tired of thinking about it and ready to move forward in a bad way. ok sorry if I am not making sense (sooo tired this evening). anyway that's all I have to say, not trying to be aggraving over, just wanted to elaborate as best I can, otrherwise it so I will drop it.lol. have a good evening!

[mishknit]

I'm ready to move forward too, and living in regret or guilt or whatever can't be a part of it.

and, yes god knows we all take what we like and need and leave the rest. I just have a particular bug up my butt about this lately....i do believe that we have to put what we want out into the universe, but we also have to work at getting it. and there are very simplistic feelings about this going around..."anything you want you can manifest'..whatever. Without your own commitment and working toward it, it ain't gonna happen....that's just my take on it.

Thus...the idea that we have manifested what happens to us.....sorry. I never manifested tom's death, nor many other things. And I don't want to be held accountable for those things happening..i have enough guilt and sorrow and regret to last a life time...and what I'd really like to manifest in this life is getting over that, not being kept in it.

and yet..please...i care so much for all of you..i don't mean to offend, i guess I just need to vent, and that's what this rant is about. And it is completely my slant on it.....

and i'll even venture to recommend a book...Elizabeth neeld's "seven choices"..i liked that one. I also liked chopra's anna.

and i love you all and am grateful for this bb'

michwele

[aprilmoonflower]

michele- don't be sorry for being offended. I'm sorry you are offended! and fwiw I don't beleive manifesting things is all that easy. but I do firmly believe "like attracts like." I am not talking about life and death or possessions here I am talking about actual living and expreiences and emotions.

ok I really will shut up now! promise.

[mishknit]

love you april....

thanks for understanding my rant...

and i'm not offended, and i, too, believe like attracts like..... the universe is an awesome thing...

so on that level i get it.

and now I'm thru! lol!!!

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

lol. (Take a deep breath!)

((((Hugs)))

[lettyp]

Hello everyone,

I’ve been trying to respond to everyone but I get so involved in reading everyone’s stories (even the older ones) that by the time I know it it’s so late and I have no energy left so I am going to try to do it first thing this morning and then read all the stories so if I have no energy left, I’ll just go back to sleep. Heck, that’s all I ever seem to do anyway.

Anyway, I am responding using my handwritten notes so if I get something wrong or screw things up, please forgive me.

Dorothy

The number “4” was my husband Jay’s favorite number. He always made sure that he had that number on his softball and soccer jerzies. I’m glad it was lucky for you! You seem to be on a great winning streak. I hope this comment doesn’t upset/offend you or anyone else but I wanted to let you know that I think you had what most people can only dream of. You had John in your life for 35 years and were married for 31! What a blessing! Jay and I were married 22 years…..23 years this July 29th.

Naz

I know what you mean when you say your bank check could have been for 75 cents for all you care. I’d rip my check into a zillion pieces if it meant that I could have Jay back. What good is the check going to do me now? My husband isn’t here and that’s all that matters! I too have run into the most obnoxious sales people since my husband passed….or maybe it’s I no longer have tolerance for idiots. I went to return a couple of books that I bought at Borders but I didn’t go to the original store. The salesgirl looked at my receipt and said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have these to sell here. I can’t take them back.” I said to her, “What do you mean, this is a Border’s bookstore, I bought these at Borders, and that makes no sense to me.” She started into this long drawn out explanation of store policy so I grabbed the books, my receipt and said, “Fine, you deal with your store policy and I’ll try to deal with my husband’s death!” and walked out of there. Friggin moron.

DarleneandHunter

After Jay’s service and after all the extended family went home to their “normal” lives, I was standing in my son’s kitchen trying to find the sugar for my coffee. I noticed it on the second shelf and rather than pulling a kitchen chair over so I could reach it, I just started balling like a baby. The helplessness of it all came crashing down on me. This was something my husband would always do for me as I’m pretty short. Jay won’t be there to unscrew tight lids, shovel the sidewalks after a snowfall, fill up my front passenger tire since it has a slow leak……so many things that he did for me. I miss him so much. I hate to sound like a wimp because I know that I can do these things but having to accept the fact that Jay is no longer here is so friggin hard.

Anna

I so love your spirituality and your ability to communicate with your Ishaq. I have never been one to believe in this discipline but it is something that I am believing in more and more each day. Last month I had lunch with my son, our friend, her husband and their son. We were discussing Richard’s upcoming wedding in July and I was saying how I wish Jay could be there to witness his son getting married when all of a sudden the song MOURNING HAS BROKEN (version sung by Neil Diamond) came on the radio. This was one of Jay’s favorite songs (version sung by Cat Stevens). We played it at his service and it is also the song that was played at his mom’s service many many years ago. Imagine our happy shock. We all just sat there with these silly grins on our faces! Afterwards I phoned our daughter to let her know about the song and she said, “Mom, you’re never going to believe this. Jon (my son in law) and I are sitting here at the car repair shop waiting for the car to get done and guess what song came on the radio here. OH WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD!” This is the song that Valerie and Jay danced the Father/Daughter dance to at her wedding. We truly believe that Jay was telling us he was still with us. There have also been a couple of occasions where I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and I’ll glance at the clock and what time would be displayed but 4:44. Jay’s favorite number “4”!! Jay’s sister lives in Phoenix. This is what she had to say about her own experience:

As for the super natural...Just before Jay died...I raven appeared at work. In all the years I have been there we never had one before...He sat on the ledge out side our door and cawed...I thought it was strange...then I got the call....at Jay's service I noticed one again in the cemetery...then while in Germany...while walking thru a park...trying to keep up with Chuck and Christian...another one swooped down and landed by me cawing...I looked at the bird...and said "Yes, Jay I know you’re here...and I'll go have a beer!" The bird flew away...I told Chuck later about my feelings sightings...he agreed with me on the significance of the raven. I haven't seen one since. I'll keep an eye and ear open for one I Florida.

Mind boggling for sure!

Manda

I have only had 3 dreams since Jay passed which to be honest had me concerned. Thoughts of, what’s the matter with me, why can’t I dream about my husband, why am I not having nightmares kept entering my mind. I even asked my therapist. She told me that more than likely my brain from thinking about my loss all day long is so exhausted by the time I fall asleep it has no energy to dream. In the first one, I dreamt that Jay was still alive, but the only way for him to stay that way was to tell our daughter Valerie. The only way I could get to Valerie was via the lightrail. The only way I could get on the lightrail was to get a ticket. So I grabbed money out of my wallet and put the wallet back in my purse and left the purse on a picnic table in the park. When I got back from purchasing the ticket I came back to the table only to find my purse was gone. WOKE UP. In the second one, I was riding in some kind of carriage when I realized my husband was sitting next to me. I couldn’t believe it. I grabbed his hands and started kissing them. Then I noticed his face was black, blue and bruised. I kept looking at my husband and almost right before my eyes he started not to look like my husband at all, but like Jesus. WOKE UP. The last dream I had I saw Jay in our bedroom and he was telling me that he was ok and that I needed to declutter the bedroom. Our bedroom is where I’ve put all of the pictures, plaques, etc. that we had at Jay’s service. I also have 22 years worth of pictures in boxes….you know…those pictures that you always wanted to get into photo albums but never had the chance to? WOKE UP.

I told my daughter about the first dream. She said, mom, it sucks to feel helpless even in your dreams, huh? How true.

Not sure why the 2nd one was like it was. I grew up Catholic but have been non practicing for 30 some odd years. Not even sure that I believe, but was this a sign that I need to go back to church?????

Heaven knows what the decluttering meant????

Michele

Your story of how your Tom proposed is so touching. I loved his imagination and creativity with your stocking gifts!!! I too would marry my husband again and again and again. I’d do a lot of things differently that’s for sure. Maybe not be such a bitch at times……Every day I have to deal with so many regrets….Not telling him I loved him as often as I should have, not telling him that I cherished him every day….these are the things I wish I had done! I do this now in my journal…every day I tell my husband that I love, miss and am so proud of him. But it’s just not the same. I wish he was here…..

Aprilmoonflower

I visited the website you suggested. What an incredible message! I’m happy that you received comfort, strength and courage. It’s what this group needs so much of. I’m thinking of ordering a message too.

OK, now that I’ve written a book and it’s taken me all of this time….I started this morning….had some errands to run…..took a break…..ate dinner…..now it’s 10:15 and I think there are probably 50 gazillion new posts….Manda I realize now what you mean about keeping up with the postings

Sorry to bend everyone’s ear,

Letty

[armaiti]

Well, I haven't seen the movie yet, so I don't know what it's all about...I did go to Amazon and read a little of the book that is excerpted there...the one thing I do know is that all of us here had these remarkable wonderful men in our lives, which we attracted to us...I don't know about the law of attraction stuff, and I have a hard time with so-called systems that are supposed to apply to everyone and everybody. Like I said earlier, the movie is coming tomorrow on Netflix, so I'll take a look at it and see what I think.

I guess I've been thinking a lot about Native peoples, for one. (I got the Into the West DVD series from the library and watched the first one tonight) I don't believe that they attracted the genocide of their people because they weren't thinking correctly or using the right system. There is good and bad in the world, sad and joyful, love and hate - it's all the positive and the negative. One can't exist without the other. And the fact is, everyone dies. And some die sooner than others. On one level, I have to say that I'm one of the lucky ones. My beloved Ishaq died in the river, laughing and playing, of an instant heart attack, where otherwise he would have died slowly from kidney failure in a sterile hospital, never to see his beloved rivers and mountains again. I even smile when I tell his story, because it is so amazing, and I so hope to go that way, or similar to him.

I believe life is a circle, and it continues even after we cross over to our next journey. This is a terrible, hard time for us all, but we had the love. I'd do it over again in an instant. And if I was given the choice, to have Ishaq longer and have him die in the hospital, or to let him go in the river like he did, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd choose the shorter time and the better passing, the one that makes me smile to tell it.

I knew Ishaq could die at any time because of his diabetes. But I would tell myself it was no sense worrying about it, I should just enjoy him while he was here and we were together. I never knew he would be so young when he left. Somehow, the more I do with the Native drum and all, the better I feel. Ishaq had a great respect for Native ways and traditions though he was 100%G erman. I still don't know my whole story or background, my dad was adopted and he never told me until after my blood grandmother was already gone, so I never got to find out who our people are exactly, just that there is some Indian there. But one of my Native friends says it doesn't matter, if it's in your heart. In the morning I burn sage and turn to the four directions, and the above and below, Grandfather Sky and Grandmother Earth and ask for the strength to live life in a good way and do honor to Ishaq's spirit so that we'll walk together again when I pass. It fits in well with my Sufi practices as well, which I've been a bit sporadic about when I haven't been feeling good.

I am so glad you all voice your opinions and all the ups and downs of your lives here! We are all strong women, I think, and we are doing our best even when it is hard and our hearts are so lonely for our partners.

May you all have a peaceful night,

Anna

[lettyp]

Forgot one thing.....

Lisa (from an older post), may I ask where you live in Colorado? I live in Aurora, but am currently staying with my son in Parker.

Letty

[rodless]

Regarding The Secret: I looked through it and thought it seemed like a lot of rehashed ideas thrown together in one book so I guess I'm on the same page as Michele. We had to buy 2 copies at the library, 2 CDs and the DVD due to demand so someone is making a lot of money! lol. Anyway, if it helps someone that's great. We all take different things away from any resource. If you don't want to buy the book or DVD, try your library. Mary Jo

[justamom]

Hi Letty, I am on the very North end of Colorado Springs on the border of Monument.

[lettyp]

Hi Lisa,

So not too far. My daughter and son in law will soon be transferring to the Springs from Northern Virginia within the next couple of weeks. Our daughter is pregnant and this will be our first grandchild. I just wish with all of my heart that my husband Jay was still here. I've been so numb and just feeling blah....this at least will give me something to look forward to. If you ever get up this way, let me know, maybe we can go have coffee...or better yet....at least for me anyway...a couple of glasses of wine. Seems to dull the pain just a little.....

Letty

[kathy51]

Hi everyone,

I miss my Stan so much ..It is eating me alive....It will be 10 months Saturday....When will it ever stop hurting so bad?I know the pain will never go away completely....kATHY

[mishknit]

kathy....

i know, i know. I miss tom too.

i won't ever go away, and i don't think it should..how sad would that be? But...

it would be nice to not get smacked upside the head every now and again with such rawness...a day like i had today, like it sounds like you're having. I'm a little over 14 months...it's better..yes, thank god, it's better..but, those waves get you, and all we can do is surf, baby!

hang in,

michele

[missinmyhubby]

angel...

you know, i can't possibly express to you how great it is to have you on this bb. You are the only one here who has moved ahead so completely, and you're insight, you're postings..so honest and heartfelt..i cannot express to you how heartening and helpful you are here. hopefully, one day, I, and others will be in your position, and remember some of the things you are saying about your path.

anyway..i just had to tell you....please keep posting, you're honesty and willingness to be open about your feelings is amazing.

thank you so much angel....

michele

Thank you so very much!!!! I love being here and love having a place to come express my feelings and share with all of you. The last few months have been so helpful for me. Thanks to everyone!!!

[lindat]

Hi ladies, I have tried to keep up but you guys post alot!!!

Kathy, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you - I don't think that any of us can tell you when the hurting will get easier for you - it is different for everyone. I can tell you that it will get easier one day, but you are right, it will never go away. Keep reading and posting, it really does help.

Dorothy, I love the butterfly story!! I am new to the gym as well and I start ballroom dance lessons at the community center this Friday. I don't think I could do Boot Camp, but I am hoping that small steps will help my old body and my young spirit

April, Since we weren't married, I didn't have a wedding band, but if I did I would probably wear it on a chain. After Katrina, we were in a store and a cocktail ring caught my eye - Terry insisted that we buy it, which I thought was really silly since we had lost everything and that was frivolous and unnecessary I am so glad to have that ring today and I do wear it. Funny that I never thought about a ring for 21 years and then we got one just before he was gone. When Terry died, I never had a clue that he would die. I even took a book to the emergency room, thinking that I would have a lot of time before I could see him. I wish I had known, there is much I would have liked to tell him. I don't think we ever get past this, it just really sucks. The only thing positive is that I realized from that day on that Katrina was nothing in comparison.

Mary Joe - where in Iowa are you? I will be passing through part of Iowa in August or Sept.

Anna, Very touching story about your ring.

Michele, I have lost 15 pounds so far. The friendship is moving right along and I am flying to MI in August to drive with him and his stuff in a UHaul back here to CA. He will be moving in with his Mom in San Luis Obispo for awhile until we figure out if there are sparks enough - I want to take things slow. I have until August to lose 60 more pounds Trust me girl, I will do it!!

I am walking 5 miles a day and ready to bump it up to 10 if necessary I still miss Terry every day, but the great thing is that I can now talk to him without sobbing uncontrollably - I couldn't do that before Jim came along. I feel joy for the first time since Katrina. Life is good, but there are still some really bad days.

By the way, I finally got my car fixed - $1200 worth. Gas prices suck but I hope to make it up to LA soon.

Angel - I have reread all your posts, thank you for being here - you help me feel normal. If it were not for you, I probably would have left when the new man came along. I know that Terry will always be in my heart, but you give me hope and have also given me reasons to not feel guilty for being happy. I also have my wonderful sister, who inspires me and protects me and loves me no matter what and it is great to see her so happy. She still cries over John who died almost 10 years ago, but her new husband supports her and comforts her 100 percent. I also empathize about the recipes. Terry did all the cooking and shared recipes with everyone in his life and at the store - I didn't want to know how to cook the stuff, and he tried to teach me his favorite dishes one more time before he passed and I didn't want to learn - how I wish I could redo that!!! I would kill to eat my comfort foods one more time.... By the way, I have never gone through the anger stage - he would still be here if he had a choice, I have nothing to be angry with him about.

Lisa, You are the only one that has a clue over what is right for you - listen to your inner voice. I find myself thinking the same thing about losing another - Jim has prostate cancer and although it is being controlled and is a slow moving cancer, I am terrified. I am also terrified of missing out on the great things that may be in store. We have to live each day - there are no guarantees for any of us.

[missyouhoney811]

Is anyone else having problems with the spacing on this site? Unble to read the postings unless I use the left/right arrow. Everything on my computer works perfect. The problem started about three days ago. Let me know.................

[lindat]

Yes, same problem for me - I copied and pasted into notepad to read. However, if you click to post, as I am now - you can read below the blank box normally - if that makes any sense.

[armaiti]

Yep,I'm having the same problem, thought it was just me!

I watched The Secret yesterday, so now I feel like I can make some comments about it...

First, I think it has some good things in it, though most are things I've heard in other places. I admit I was kind of turned off by the first part, focusing on cars and houses and all. Also there are some misconceptions, that part about why do such a small percentage of people control earn the most, where a lot of the big money earned int he world is from corrupt sources, destruction of the environment and exploition of other people, not to mention just inheritance from an already rich family...so I didn't buy that these people who are well off all know "the secret".

I liked the part about gratitude, and I do feel that when you put out negative thought it can attract things that you don't want to happen. I don't think that this relates to our partner's deaths, though, whether by heart attack, illness, accident or suicide. We didn't attract that because we "weren't thinking right"

The one big piece that I felt was missing in the movie was about spirit, and about life after death and life BEFORE life. That's a big one. Ishaq's sister and I have had a lot of discussion on this, and no one knows for sure, but I feel we make certain choices as spirit when we come into our bodies, of what we will experience in each lifetime. That's just my belief. I don't think that anything I did would have changed that Ishaq was going to have a heart attack last year and die. It certainly wasn't my fault by thinking negative thoughts, if anything, I tried to focus on that he would live a long life.

The guy who did the "vision board" - I did one of these, but in a Goddess/Shamanic workshop with Vicki NOble, auther of the Motherpeace Tarot Cards, in the 1980's. We made a collage of images representing something we wnated in our lives and put it where we would see it when we woke up and when we went to sleep so it was in our minds regularly. I was looking for a relationship with a fun, passionate person - I got it (this was before Isha) but I realized I had not put that the person would also be stable, mature and actually able to hold a job, so I ended up with a passionate, fun flakey person.

So I guess I got what I asked for!

The gratitude part I thought was good, it's healing to try to remember those things that we are thankful for, even when we are hurting and missing the one we love the most. But that too, I've found in other sources. I do agree that anything is possible, that our minds are amazing things that we use a very small piece of.

So like April, I took what "I" could use and let the rest go. It is rehashing other stuff, but if it helps people feel positive about life, that's good. I do like the part about focusing on peace rather than fighting war, that actually is something that I think was a very positive statement in the movie. And about thought affecting your body as well...has anyone read "The Hidden Messages in Water?". It's referred to in "What the Bleep Do We Know?" which I haighly recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it. Now THAT movie really got me thinking!

Ok, I've written this huge movie review so I'll sign off now. It's a beautiful spring day here and I'm having our Sufi Class here tonight so I must clean, clean, clean!!!

Peace to all,

Anna

[darleneandhunter]

Hey Everyone!

I have been reading all the posts, I promise!

The first part of this post is going to make everyone think that life just doesn't give me any breaks, but trust me, I have some POSITIVE news after that...

When it rains, it pours. I was at the hospital with Hunter until 6:30 this morning. He woke up with a 102 fever at midnight, crying, in pain, and could barely talk. I ran him to the emergency room, and he has strep throat. Wonderful. He is home from school, and is on antibiotics. I had to frantically contact everyone we had been with in the last three days to tell them about the strep. I contacted my doctor for the proper tratment. With all my health issues, I cannot aford to ignore this. I am now just waiting for a call back to know when I can pick up the meds. I cancelled all of tomorrow's appointments.

Now, on to something WONDERFUL....

Most of you know that my Mark has been gone for almost 15 months. Although I am in no way trying to trivialize ANYONE'S emotions here, things for me on the external part of it all has been a little more rough than most. All the health issues, my maternal family, all of it has had me completely drained and close to the edge. You all know I have recently sought professional help for my battles with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Again, I am NOT trying to make my problems bigger than anyone elses, honest. We all have our breaking points, and I teetered on the very edge of mine for too long.

Tuesday night, while getting prescriptions and some shopping done, I saw someone that I thought I would NEVER see again for the rest of my life. We parted on some not-so-great terms. I loved Mark more than life itself, but believe me when I say this, this person touched a place in my heart that no one before or has since. He would always have a place in my heart, no matter how small. He was one of THOSE...lol.

I haven't given him much of thought for many many years. Although Mark and I had our ups and downs like most couples do, we were deeply in love. Since his death, my life has become a huge void of emptiness and loneliness.

When I saw him, even for a fleeting moment, I knew who it was instantly. I was fortunate enough to grab a parking spot right away(THANK YOU HANDICAPPED PLACKARD, LOL). I lost him in that brief time of getting out of the van and into the store, but it took only 5 minutes to find him. He was with his son. They were in the toy department, discussing some kind of science project. We walked past them, but stopped just ahead of them. I stood there, just looking at him. As he was talking to his son, he glanced at me like you do when you notice a stranger looking at you, but then did a double take. I thought he was gonna drop dead of a heart attack on the spot, lol. He flew at me from around the display and grabbed me in the biggest and longest hug I have had since Mark died. The hug was so long and intense, he pulled away, immediately aware of his own embarrassment.

I didn't know what to do at this point. I never imagined he would react so strongly to me, and in such a seemingly positive way. So as not to take up a huge amount of space with my text, I will make this as condensed as possible....lol.

In the moments he was holding me, for the first time since Mark has been gone, I felt human again. I felt ALIVE again. This was definately NOT a sexual thing by any stretch of the imagination. Since we were in a store, I gave him my cell number, and we finished our shopping. Before I was able to walk away, he grabbed me and kissed me.

As I continued in the store, I was on the verge of tears of joy. It doesn't matter if he would or would't call me. His deeply emotional hug was overwhelmingly healing to the soul that I thought had left me the day I lost Mark. I still ache terribly for him, no doubt, but that moment of unabashed human warmth was exactly what I needed.

I will happily say that he DID call me that evening. I told him all about Mark, how he died, how I am a torn and broken soul, and how his hug helped me in a way I thought no one ever could. He too expressed his joy of seeing me again. He told me of his broken life, the sadness, the deceit, all of it. He has been only recently seeing someone, but he doesn't see it lasting that long. We got together yesterday for morning beverages, then again later at his house for salad and pizza. Although his son is 12 and Hunter is only 7, the kids hit it off immediately, and we were able to heal OUR relationship as friends. We laughed and cried and talked and talked and talked....

The kids joined in, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I belonged somewhere. I feel like I have been drifting around aimlessly since Mark died, and I suddenly felt like I was home.

I have no idea where all of this is headed, but I will say in all certainty that regardless of the outcome, I finally got the boost I needed to WANT to go on. He told me that everything happens for a reason, and everything happens when it NEEDS to happen. Whether it be for our deeply close friendship or anything else, we NEEDED to come together again, if for nothing more than to give each other the will to do more than just exist.

Until this very moment, I had no idea how much I DESPERATELY needed this. It was painfully obvious to me that he needed this as much as I did. I feel as if we both lifted each other up out of the pit of despair we had been existing in for far too long. He could never take Mark's place, and he knows it. However, no matter WHAT happens, I think I finally have the strength to pick myself up and try to live my life as it should be lived, and not just wallowingthrough the daily grind of two dimentional existance.

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- that is simply incredible. like fate (or something!) and who cares where it's going? like you wrote, it's what you NEED right now that matters.

I'm so sorry Hunter is sick. I hope he feels better soon. You HAVE had a rough time. I mean one thing after the other and all. it sucks. but it will get better for you I hope. by the sounds of it I think are doing just fine it's just a lonley and painful path. we all know this!!!

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- the whole comment about peace and war is what really struck me. I guess it made me realize WHERE I am focusing my energy will directly determine how I feel. and if I continue feeling down and depressed (And major resentment towards his family for what they did to me) it's MYSELF that put me there. (Not DH dying or fighting w/ family,etc). and why use my energy fighting all the time when I can use it constructively?

and as for the whole "blame the victim". I guess I don't see it like that at all. I tend to think people are misunderstanding it but maybe I am the one misunderstanding it? lol. for me, I think it's more of an acceptance for me. not "oh I made this happen" but more like "that EVERYTHING happens for a reason". there is a reason for it all. (I feel like this most of the time btut other tmes I go through periods thining life is completley random in nature too) anyway the universe will provide for me I am sure of it! as long as I am putting out there what I want back, yk? anyway I have a real hard time putting into words what I got from the movie. I just needed to see it when I did! I put it off for several months then finally did watch it. I was glad I did!

[mishknit]

darlene...

sorry about hunter, hope he feels better soon, but GREAT about your friend. And your attitude is good too...whatever happens, the moments you are sharing now are what are important...good luck.

and lindat! wow...put your mind to something girl..you go. And I agree with you, if we don't open ourselves to things and people, what's the point. everybody's gonna die..we know that FULLY now, so what do we do, hole ourselves and our hearts up, or try and move ahead with our lives, open to all it's possibilities, good and bad?

Anna... before i met tom , very soon before, actually, I wrote a list of what i wanted in a partner, and, thankfully, i did put maturity and responsibility on it, along with all the fun stuff! LOL! and when tom came along, he was just right. I had forgotten about it, and a few months ago I found the list inside a book. i framed it and have it sitting on my bookcase in my room.....just a reminder of tom, and a hope for the future...we'll see.

April.. i too believe that, in many cases, like attracts like. And the idea of trying to be more positive and put that kind of energy out is what i'm working on lately...of course, soem days...ugh! lol!

i hope we all have a good day today....

peace,

michele

[darleneandhunter]

Oh thank you for the positive thoughts!

I haven't seen the movie yet, but I truly understand the concept.

Mark and I were very much opposite, but in a very complimenting way. Where I spent my life speeding around lke a mad woman, always in a hurry to get things done, he was very methodical and grounding. He would grab my shirt tails and slow me down just enough to enjoy things. I would lift him up off the couch and drag him out with me, so he could see what life had to enjoy. I am very intensely emotional, he was very logical. I am easily excitable, he was always calm and stern. We even had opposite views on alot of things, but not opposite enough to cause us to be completely different. Where I lacked, he made up for it, and vice versa. Our common bond was the true friendship we had, along with our ability to have completely open communication. It was so easy for us to have differing views, and still be able to discuss them regularly.

That's what kills me the most about this whole thing. Not only is he gone forever from my life, so is his voice in the night. The silence overwhelms me. But somehow, I manage to move along.

[rodless]

Linda, I am in the NW corner of the state, close to Sioux City and Worthington, MN. Let me know! Mary Jo

Anna, I received 3 donated books in the mail today at the library...all on Sufi. Before this board I would not have had much of an idea what htye were about. One is called To Die Before Death. It will be interesting to go through them.

Kathy... hang in there. I've never surfed but I understand that's what we're doing now... the top of the wave is fine, the undertow sucks.

[rodless]

I am so impressed with all the determination I see on here. I have been talking to myself, writing in a new journal with a focus on what I have to do to live positively instead of what I've lost. Not sure if it's the season or what. I know I'm really tired of being draggy all the time. I love Rod with all my heart but I'm here and he's there, if you know what I mean. I'm not ready by any means to have a new relationship, but I'm so glad some of you are open to the idea....you can love more than once in life. It will never be the same, but it could be great in a different way. And I really don't think the guys who loved us would want us to be unhappy for the rest of our lives. Just my 2 cents. Mary Jo

[justamom]

Hi everybody,

Letty we are not too far at all. I would love to get together sometime - I'll drink whatever! If your Daughter and Son in law (Or son and daughter in law sorry I can't remember which) need some help meeting people or whatever I would be happy to help them get connected. What part of Springs are they moving to? (Hockey boy - my "friends" real name is Jay - just a little info. Maybe all men named Jay are good?!)

Darlene, So sorry to hear about Hunter - There is NOTHING worse than a sick kid! I hate it. Great to hear about your friend! I am telling you, I started feeling more like my old self when I started hanging out with Hockey boy - it doesn't matter if it ends up being nothing because it made you feel good for the moment and that is all that matters.

Linda, Happy for you too! Great about the man in your life. Don't exercise too hard. I's not all that fun!

Hope you are all doing well. I have had a crappy couple of days. I'll elaborate when it's better! Take care, Lisa

[naz496]

I have been having troubles with my husband brother . He blames me for Mals death. He called last night and was so mean. I didnt tell him about the autopsy yet as I didnt want to hear his ridicule. He had the shits, that I told his father first.

Hpe its ok to post the letter here. I need some feedback. is it tooooo much.

Mals best friend had a baby yesterday and named it after Mal. How perfect. His legacy lives on as well and what a beauitiful tribute. Thanks to mals brother for riuning it

Had a really crap day cried most of the night and that was with a sleeping tablet.so I wrote this what do u think

Dear Wade,

I felt that I should write you this as i am not in any state to talk to you about it.

as requested enclosed is a copy of the autospy, please give a copy to your mum if u see her over easter, and lyn if she wants it.

I have know idea when I got it, as I dont even know what day it is mostly,but the report was stamped at the gosford courthouse on 16th March, so I assume I would have recieved it in the following week.Not that it matters but your father called and asked me if I had it so i told him. As i said I wanted to speak with specialist first so as i had something to actually tell you other than what we already know, and didnt know what your mother wanted as far as the autospy went. I was also waiting for her to tell me as I know she didnt want the autospy done, and didnt know if she wanted it or not.Or if she could cope with it. Does it matter who got it first.Mal is dead and it wont bring him back.

My family dont even know and I speak with them every day.

At the end of the day it was my decision and I dont have to justify it to you. I told you I would send you a copy.

At the end of the day wade you are allowd to deal with Mals death in any way you choose, but by upsetting the family is not going to bring him back, or laying blame.

You get to grieve for Mal and your relationship you have lost.

I however dont get to grieve for him in my own way. I have lost my husband and my best friend, my kids have lost a father, we have lost our only income, possibly our house, our support, and ontop of all that I have to raise the kids by myself. Do u have any idea what Hell i am living in. I dont know how I get out of bed some days , but I do only for the kids.The outbursts you saw with Montanna still go on severday days and nights a week, along with Harrisons grief. You saw only a few days of it. I have now had 16 weeks and 3 days of it, and without all the other stuff I do it breaks your heart even more than it already is, I am so incredibally tired but I dont get time to rest as I am the only one left to deal with this now.

Is Mals death not enough I still have to fight everday with the banks, chasing the super via solicitors now, bills house is in supreme court I have been 3 times this month and get to go again in 2 weeks, telstra, and somehow manage to live and pay the bills and suppport the three of us on the pension of $297.00 a week oh and work out a way to pay the morgage.

Whilst i was aware that you wanted the autospy a copy to you was not in the top priority.You already knew he died of hypertensive heart disease and nothing has changed.Your anger and jeolousy towards your brother , myself and your father is not healthy. Believe it or not regardless of how you feel, they are both your mother and father are entitled to know and yes before you.they were his parents.Your dad calls every week or fortnight just to check in and what a lovely tribute to his DEAD son was to offer to loan me the money to pay for the funeral. You shoud be proud that your dad has fimally woken up and he could do this for his son. As you pointed out he has only ever given you something for you 21st, and helped with your wedding and something for marcus pram, and that it. Well thans 10 fold for your brother. Mal paid for his own 21st and we recieved nothing towards our wedding. Nothing when the kids were born, he left his sons wedding early,.and his sons funeral. So you need to have a look at yourseld if u think you have been hardly done by.Do you think for one minute that your father wouldnt have done the same for you. I didnt even think he would do it for Mal Your sister yes but not you 2 boys.If he did it for Mal . he would do it for you.You should try and think is this all about weather he would do it for you. You should be happy that He finally stepped up to the plate for your brother and his kids and nothing else should matter.

Thankfully as you so strongly pointed out Janette would not be in my unfortunate position as you have insurance.Mal was not able to get this.we looked into it many times.because of his health

Financially we too would have been better set up in 8 years down the track but we didnt get that we have been ripped off..Having just renovated bills house at our expense.We would have owned 2 houses by then, and this delimer not been a problem. You have 8 years more savings than us.We cant change the past we can only learn from our mistakes and carry on with the future.

Regardless of how you feel towards me or Mal this was our life and I have no right to tell u how to live yours, or critisise what you have or havent done.

Mal is a beauitiful person with a generosity that you wouldnt know. I was right in saying that His heart was so big that it killed him He gave to everone else but didnt make enough time for himself or us.

Someone wanted his help or something from him and he was there.

He was not good at the upkeep of the house but he did try. There was not enough hours in a day, but he had a heart of gold and that what I want to remember, NOt that he was crap at outside chores.You have the time, mal didnt. He worked his arse off and literally his body to the ground for 20+ years, and we all told him it would kill him.know one could change that.

the grief cycle is denial, shock,anger, sadness, frustration,.... and finally acceptance. We all need to go through this in order to get out the other side.

I would stringly recomend that you see a councilor, because weather you think so or not you stage of anger is not progressing. You are still living it. 16 weeks later, and unless you deal with it anger will consume you.and make your and others around it a living hell.

Your brother would not want to be part of the **** that is going on.

I am not to blame for his death regardless of what you may think.

He had heart disease from his lifestlye and possible herridarty.He has been a worrier since he was young. Before we got together he was working 7 days 18 hr days. How many years do you think he would have had doing this, he would have died a lot younger.at least he had slowed down a bit now .The week i was away with the kids he did 92 hrs and Mal honestly thought this was ok and he was in his own stupid mind proud of this He gotpaid for 70 out of this, I have since found out, so yes as usual Mal gave his time unconditionally to anyone who asked for it.

. He could not understand that Making money for your family is not what being a father is all about. Thanks to your father he felt that provioding was how you were a good father.NO matter what I told him about stopping and slowing down he couldnt do it. Someday I will find comfort in the fact that He had started to see a phycoligist and had changed jobs so as to slow down Too little to late.The body can only take so much.I have only had 12 years to change him your family had 37 yrs and still couldnt change him.And I dont blame them any more than I blame you. He chose this lifestyle and nothing any of us could do can change that.

Mal moved down here with nothing to his name and owing $25000.00, which I paid off. The deposit for the house also came from me, and the wedding.I know that you feel it was the financial burder as well but he had nothing when he moved down here and still worked 100 hrs weeks. He now has a wife and 2 beauitiful children and a $440K house.What an achievment to be proud of not critical of.

At least he slowed down a bit, with his family in his later life.Than he did in Queensland.

Thanks for reuning the only nice news about the birth of oscar malcolm young yesterday(after my husband( . Its this fist time I had felt joy in 16 weeks and 3 days. Lashing out at other people does not help.It doesnt matter who gets what first. In the grand scheme of things, nothing like this matters.

Let me finish by saying that Mal would not be impressed by your constand high morals about him and us. Just remenber he was your brother and a wonderful father and husband. He would have done anything for you and Janette and been there God forbid if it was the other ways around he would have been there for her without judgement, and not because he had to but because he wanted to.

The constant referals to our house or what mal did or didnt do, or what we do or dont have is none of your concern.

Just remember him as your loving brother who we are so lucky to have had in our life.My life is only better because he was part of that.Mal life lives on in the 2 beauitiful children he has created, and the memories that he has left. Hold onot the nice ones, and try to live your life without bitterness and jealousy.

You have a beauitiful wife and child and this anger will only eat you up and cause them harm.

Who did what or when, or who got what doesnt matter. Cherish what you have and be thankfull every day for what you have achieved.And that you have a heathly family.YOur father is not getting any younger, and you might regret you attitude one day whether you think you have one or not..

sorry I didnt realise it was so long

naz

[rodless]

Naz, It always helps to write things out... to sort out emotion from fact. I really don't have an opinion on your letter. Sit on it for a couple of days before you send it if you haven't already. Maybe you won't feel the need to send it at all. Remember once something is sent in writing to another person, it can't be taken back and it sometimes stirs up even more problems. I had some problems with stepkids when my husband died. Anger seems to surface when grief brings strong emotions and it's rough to be a target. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time and hope tomorrow goes a little better.