I Miss Him So...

[armaiti]

Nas, that's great about both the baseball and the radio! And everyone else who has dreams or other contact with their beloveds, that is so great...it maks me feel like we have a common thread that others just can't understand...

I know I've written about the feather gifts Ishaq started sending me after he passed. The last being a 21" turkey vulture feather outside my house in the street last fall...well, looks like he's started again, I found a matched pair of feathers by the river when I was walking, ones I've never seen there before. My friend who teaches biology told me he thought they were pheasant, but I'venever seen a pheasant by the river here, they are very unusual. And there are two, a matched set! I think he sent them as a spring gift, I'm going to make a pair of earrings from them.

Lately, I feel him just as I'm going to sleep, like a shift in the eir around me, and this soft presence like a comforting blanket...I know that's him being with me. Last night I was re-watching a movie that he and I both loved (Grey Owl - a great story) and Mckenzie the kitten kept watching the space behind the chair I was in, like someone was standing behind my chair. She just watched and watched, every time I looked over she was looking there...

There is a part of Chief Seattle's address that says: "Our dead never forget the beautiful world that gave them being. They still love its winding rivers, its great mountains and its sequestered vales, and they ever yearn in tenderest affection over the lonely-hearted living, and often return to visit and comfort them..." I've always believed this, and my dear Ishaq has been showing me that it is true. He is often here, and though I miss him every minute of every day, I'm so grateful that he comes to me to let me know he still loves me, and I know he will be there to guide me when it is my turn to walk the spirit path.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[armaiti]

I, too, should spell check - sorry Naz for mis-spelling your name!

[aprilmoonflower]

I could totally do Las Vegas! (if planned ahead!) of course my 2 kiddos would be coming too.lol.

it's kind of funny you suggest vegas maryjo as that is the very last trip DH and I took (and our only trip w/ our son as a family) 3 months before he died.

i have a love/hate relationship w/ Vegas btw

anyway, maybe someday we will be able to meet up somewhere! it's fun to think about anyway!

[armaiti]

I like the idea of meeting somewhere, though I have to admit I'm not big on Vegas...too big and noisy...I'm more the retreat in the woods or desert type! It would be nice to meet all of you.

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Lindat - I live in Pittsburgh, PA - have been to San Diego many years ago and truly loved it. Very beautiful. I agree, no matter what our age I believe we would get along. I am 60 (hate saying that number) my son tells me its the new 40. That works for me. Last friday I joined "The Extreme Fitness Club" I will be starting to work out on 4/1. It should be interesting. I have decided to start pushing myself a bit because the little aches and pains are now hitting me and I know its because my John is not here to keep me active. Miss Him, Miss Him, Miss Him.

Whoever mentioned Las Vagas count me in. We were there for Thanksgiving in 2003. We enjoyed it very much. I plan on going to Vagas in August. It will be a year for my John on 8/11. I learned to do alot of things alone. I think I can take that plane with or without people. My sons schedule is busy at work and I just decided I refuse to put my life on hold for anyone now.

I hung a painting with wording near my computer today. It states "LIVE FOR TODAY HOPE FOR TOMORROW" - how true that is. I bought it when I was visiting my sister in Florida.

God Bless, Take Care and stay Healthy

Dorothy

[rodless]

Actually, I'm not really the Vegas type either - too cheap to gamble and too pooped to party. I'm more the campfire, pine tree kind. Mountains and creeks are good. Maybe someone needs to come up with a suggestion?? MJ

[aprilmoonflower]

I definitly would take the woods over Vegas. (I LOVE the redwoods if that's an option for anyone?!?)

I don't gamble much either (that was DH thing) I wouldn't be allowed near the machines,etc. anyway because of the kiddos! there is lots to do though in Vegas though besides gambling! (food, the aquarium, shows,etc.)

what about Sedona,AZ?!?!?! we could all go visit the psychics, prayer rocks, vortexes, hiking, etc! (it's only 5 hours from me!)

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- I like that quote..

I have this one on my desktop this week;

"My purpose in life is to create joy...starting with my own."

I am using it as an affirmation. (they seem to help me out alot)

[missyouhoney811]

aprilmoonflower - I enjoy Vegas because I do like to gamble and over the years I have been lucky. I have done pretty well on Pennsylvania's 3 and 4 digit numbers. When we were in Vegas I must say the slots treated me with respect. In 2003 we all did well.

Sedona, AZ that could be a possibility. I would enjoy the psychics and prayer rocks. I believe it would be very interesting.

I can't wait to see John Edwards (Medium) in October. That also should prove to be quite interesting. I would love to make contact with my John through the help of the medium. We shall see in October. Time will tell.

[aprilmoonflower]

Sedona is just beautiful. DH and I almost got married there..

there are cabins for rent and stuff up in that area. (I can look into rates and stuff if you girls want) Oak Creek Canyon is a gorgeous place, though I haven't been up that way since the fires. but there's lot's of possibilities!

Last time DH and I were up there we saw String Cheese Incident (our last show together) and we took an INSANE Jeep tour.

I can't wait to hear about John Edwards! I had a chance to go see him last year. I could almost kick myself for not going! argh. just wasn't ready for anything like that (especially being taped!)

[mishknit]

i'm not so far from sedona...probably 6-8 hours? (I have no sense of direction,but remember going there when i was a teen) I'm in Los angeles area. i could do a retreatish thing, if we could all come up with one.

linda in san diego and i could carpool! and if anna came here..all of us could go (and learn belly dancing!)

Central California is also beautiful, lots of peaceful and beautiful places there.....

I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to vegas again...so much tom's place. Altho...my son (14 1/2) wants to go at 21..so, maybe then. But it certainly is not peaceful or restfull, and , for me..too much tom's place..i sort of tagged along and dealt with it, tho we did have some fun there! he wrote a show for Ann-Margret a few years ago..that was a fun trip..working but being put up at the MGM Grand.....I hit 2 royals on the 25 cent poker slots..$2000.00!! BUT..I know that was once in a lifetime, and not this new one.

anyay, i am interested in a group meeting, somewhere. My only problem is , being a wedding coordinator, I work on weekends alot. But, you know, if it's meant to be..it will be.

take care all,

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele- there ARE so many great places in Cali. too! (Anyone been to Bear Valley/Angel's camp area?) during the week is fine for me (and I actually prefer it as it usually means less crowds & cheaper rates). I would love to rent a cabin or a set of cabins and bring our own food/ be able to cook, if that would be possible? sometimes you can find furnished cabins reasonable. a pool or hot tub would be nice too. lol. anyway if I come I will have to bring my kids if everyone is cool with that? (I don't go anywhere without them!) they are 19months and 3yo. I don't want to be a downer though if you guys want to do it kidless lmk! (though I would have to bail on going!)

[missyouhoney811]

It doesn't matter where I go. I am my own keeper and free to travel wherever and whenever. So once we decide on our restful destination I will make airline reservations and fly to the location of our meeting and greeting. It does sound great hopefully we will be able to do it.

aprilmoonflower-I am fine with you bringing your children. It has been a long time since I have been around little ones.

I also would like to learn how to belly dance.

John must be reading over my shoulder, the clock just played at 10 PM. Hope you all have a high spirit evening.

[mishknit]

i have no prob midweek or with little ones....

maybe my 14 year old will come and babysit..he loves that!

or...maybe not..LOL!

bear valley..in the big bear area, right? I'm an hour and a ahlf away from there....love it, used to spend every summer there, have friends who live there, and in arrowhead, close to there.

anyway....cabins are good..have to say, i won't camp, used to, but I need a bed now, but a hot tub...yeah!

and a snuggly baby, frankly, i'd enjoy that!

michele

[mofirefly]

I don't usually post here - but reading about all of you trying to get together and then seeing it might be at bigbear or elsewhere in CA makes me terribly jealous - I'm a misplanted native Calif girl and went to all the great places in that state and reading your posts makes me have some very happy memories - If you all get to go, I hope you share some of the fun you have here even tho it may not be exactly about loss - it might be uplifting to someone - anyway just had to let you know you're making me be "California Dreamin'"

[armaiti]

Just to chime in - I can't teach belly dance - I sing the songs and play the drum, but that's what I do...I'm not one of the dancers!

Today it is exactly 8 months since Ishaq passed. I can't believe it's been that much time...it still feels like yesterday he was sitting here with me...just seems like he's on a long trip, which he is, in a sense. I watched a video of Ram Das today talking about afterlife and he also mentions how we meet people that "we've had a love relationship with". So many different cultures and traditions believe in the continuance of spirit, it gives me comfort.

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

so what do you all think about aiming for the summer solstice (June 22) for a gathering? too soon? too far away? do you have other plans? I guess we better chat more about what we'd like to do and decide on where. I'd like to relax a bit, have some good food and company (oh and go hot tubbing!) moderate hiking would be wonderful as any other activities we could come up with. I love the retreat like idea though!

I just had to edit to say I just looked at the calender and June 22 is a fri. so that might not work out great for Michele? (June weddings and all!)

Anna- I hate the anniversaries every month. ugh. I have forgotten a couple of times, but not usually. it does get easier in a way as time goes on. (Maybe I am just numb to it though?) we are all different in our grief. it does also gets harder in a way because everyone else goes on. hang in there.

anyway I will chat with you all more tomorrow. it's time for bed for me! yawn.

[darleneandhunter]

WOW! Lots of posts to answer!

Lisa -

The vid is still one of my favs...lol.

Michele -

I don't see much of anything else coming from my family. I did what I did for my own piece of mind, and if that's what it takes, then so be it. And yes, the christmas tree vid...lol.

Naz -

You will have good days and bad days. I know for me, the bad days out numbered the good ones until recently. I still get teary-eyed at least once a day, but I am not as much of a wreck about it as I was in the earlier days. Mark always said that no matter what, life goes on. it really does.

I am working on a new kind of commemorative jewelry. I am finally at the point of being able to present them publicly, and I think anyone and everyone can appreciate it. It can be applied to pets, people, places, weddings, anniversaries, memorials, ANYTHING. I wore a finished piece today with my granny on it, and I got many great comments on it. I had to give out my number and email addy three times at Walmart today. Next time I wear one, I will bring my business cards with me...lol.

http://public.fotki.com/Darcicles/all-my-work/commemorative-jewelry/

The photos do not do these pieces any real justice. They are so much nicer in your hand.

I plan on showing them to the funeral home that had my Mark's services. I am not looking to gouge people, but something like this would be as about as unique as it comes. Not to mention, certainly not an arm and a leg like other keepsake jewelry is.

The things I do since Mark died amazes me.

I would love to get together, but I am strictly east coast, and I honestly cannot afford to travel like that. It is a great idea though. If you all get together, toast me...lol.

[missyouhoney811]

April - Here is another one - "MAN'S MAIN TASK IN LIFE IS TO GIVE BIRTH TO HIMSELF"

The sun is shinning with a comfortable chill in the air. I had a very early start today - did alot of running. I think I'll fix myself a late lunch and off to see John. I plan on taking flowers to the grave. I already put a lawn chair in the car so I can sit and talk to him. I am not sure if I mentioned this before. Last year for Easter I bought John a huge white chocolate easter bunny which is still in my frig. Once the ground is soft I am digging by his stone and putting the bunny in the ground. I paid for the plot so I'll put whatever I feel like putting into the earth. What could they do, charge me an extra fee for putting sugar into the earth?

Take care

[missyouhoney811]

Remember I told you I was a lucky person. I went to UPS today, next door is the candy store I bought John's Easter Bunny, last year. They now have a lottery. I played a few numbers - on 444 I played for $3.00 (afternoon lottery) I hit for $1,500.00. The nice thing about triples, you pay no taxes on it.

Darlene - I went into public.fotki.com/Darcicles - You can really create - it is fantastic - beautiful pieces.

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- that's awesome about your lottery winnings! go you! lol about the Easter bunnies.

I have a million things to do today. of course I am procrastinating online.lol.

I planted some stuff in my front garden this morning. My dogs keep getting into it though..grrr.

Darlene- those necklaces are so pretty! love them! How much do you charge for something like that? do you take custom orders? also, could you make keychains using the pics like that?

I am going to search for cabins in Sedona/ Cali. later to get a feel for prices and such. I'll lyk what I find. sometimes Sedona can be pricey.. btw DH and I always wanted to stay here http://www.arizonamountaininn.com It's in Flagstaff and I believe it's like 20 min. drive from Sedona. (the site says 18 miles) anyhow it's a thought and I think they have pretty reasonable rates? check it out if you are interested and lmk what you think? there's no hot tub but they have a playground and the cabins are fully furnished (kitchen,linens,soap,etc..) I think there is a lake nearby possibly..

[rodless]

I have this posted by my desk: In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer. (Albert Camus)

What a fun thing to consider... never been to AZ. Will look at the website.

[justamom]

Hi girls, I have been in Vegas for the last few days and am just getting caught up on all of the posts - I am still overstimulated. I would love to consider a trip to anywhere! I think it would be great if we could all meet. I could bring my boys, or not, I have lots of family who would watch them for a few days. Keep me updated. I love all of the quotes too - My friends are all trying to help me with my "spiritual block" so I have been getting alot of books as gifts and such one quote that I liked was "Be still and know". I vibrate pretty fast most of the time so that one stuck with me. KNOW WHAT though??? Also I have tickets for a gallery reading with Rebecca Rosen (A psychic) on April 14th. I have had a reading with her before and it was pretty cool so I hope this one will be too. I am taking Steve's mom with me and she could definitly use some JUJU from the other side. We'll see what happens. Take care, ladies. PEACE Lisa

[darleneandhunter]

April -

I would rather not discuss that here. I don't feel it is appropriate to discuss business on this board. It isn't fair to everyone else.

Anyone wishing to contact me privately about the pieces I create, may do so at darcicles at gmail dot com.

Missyou -

thank you very much. I have been creating stuff for 26 years now.

[Guest Guest]

Hello everyone,

I am a new member. I lost my husband of 22 years on 1/31/07. I just don't know how I am going to get through this. There doesn't appear to be any light at the end of the tunnel and I'm struggling with his loss. I miss him so much.

Letty

[armaiti]

Dear Letty,

I'm so sorry for your loss, but this is a good place to come to talk and share. I've found so much support here. It's been just a couple of days over 8 months for me, and I still miss my Ishaq every day. We are here to support you.

Peace,

Anna

[darleneandhunter]

Jan,

you may email me at darcicles@gmail.com.

[missyouhoney811]

Letty - I am so sorry for you loss, but you came to the right place. The support here is the best. Believe me I DO know what you are going through. My husband passed on 8/11/06. The hole in my heart is still there. At times I still get a numbness all over. But, I have learned to take one day at a time - some days are better - but the loss in my heart and mind will be there forever. We were married for 31 years and together for 35. John was my soul mate and best friend.

Keep posting.

God Bless & Take Care of Yourself

Dorothy

[rodless]

Hello Letty, I am sorry you had to find this board. I lost my husband on July 7 so I am almost at the 9 month mark which will fall on his birthday - double whammy. It takes time to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I am seeing a dim glow ahead...month by month things improve a little. When I think back to 1 month, 3 months, 6 months I can improvement. When I look ahead I don't see much but a long time to get through. This group will help - we all understand how you feel. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm so sorry you are having to join us here Letty. Keep on posting! It will help! Believe me, none of us want to be here in this position without our men. But we ALL really do know how you feel if it's any consolation. I hope you can find some peace in the days ahead. Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. It's been just over 19 months since my husband died. I have a 3yo and 19mo, they help keep me going. I do still miss him every hour of everyday but it has gotten alot easier. or maybe I have just gotten better at dealing with things. not sure which? I almost feel like I am starting a new beginning in a way.

[naz496]

letty

My name is Naz and i live in australia. I lost my husband just 1 month before u did. its now been 15 weeks, and I feel that some days things are worse than when he first died. The fog haze that I have lived in for the past 15 weeks is starting to lift but im not sure that I want nit to. I find that the numbness that u feel is far safer and less painful, than the shear pain im sure we must all go through to get through the grief on the other side.

Thank god for my babies 3 and 7 or I just wouldnt get up in the morning.

I cant imagine life without him, I honestly feel like he is just away at work and that he will come home eventually. He always did eventually come home.. I know he is dead but i dont feel like he is. I just feel horribley sad and have no patience.

Paid off our house yesterday with the super money. I sobbed at the bank. I didnt want to bank the cheque. This was what we were suppose to do together. I know i am supposed to be happy but I am angry that I now own our house, because if he hadnt died the bank would own it, and thats fine with me.It may have well been a cheque for 75 cents money has no value.I know this will help us financially but I dont care.My kids dont have to move, but at this stage I feel like moving far away and never coming back. Just live by ourselves,I know i cant do things but I feel like it.

On a lighter note I would have loved to catch up with all of u. This site has been my saviour. Thank God for all of you. AlthoughI am at a stage that I hate God for taking my husband.

I maybe coudnt just drop in. Australia is only about a 17 hr flight from LA. I could be there is 2 dyas. Mal and I were coming to the states to take kids to disney land and do the vegas this in 2010. wont be doing that now. I did have a 3 mth holliday in the US in 1994. I loved it and always wanted to come back. did some of west and east coast. I loved Vegas I think it was my favorite place, however went on thanksgiving and it was soooo crowded that I couldnt even get near a slot machine. Did go to the canyon and a few shows. Had a fantastic time. wish I could do it again. If u get together have a drink for me to.

Hope you all have a good day or at least part of one.

Naz

[naz496]

found this letter in a book I was reading and adjusted it to send to some of my friends that have ignored me or are struggling. My best friend asked my yesterday what is wrong I feel that you are just not the same there is something wrong. Does she not get that I will never be the same again EVER . I just told her that My life SUX. that why I am different.

thought soem of you new berievers might like read it.

I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me, with Mals death.

It will take a long time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I feel.

I will cry a lot for a long time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or of a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering.

I may become angry without seeming to have a reason for it. My emotions are heightened by the stress of our lives and of our grief.

Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times.

I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else.

If you don’t know what to say, just a smile or a hello is enough to know that you care.

Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for help that I need, but may not be able to ask for.

Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I will need you more than ever during the next year.

Pray for me only if your pray is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith does not excuse me from the grief process.

If you have had an experience of loss, that seems anything’s like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel any worse than I already do.

Mals death is the worst thing that could happen to me and the kids.

But I will get through it, and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again, one day.

Grief is a long process and I must go through all the steps in order to make it to the other side in one piece.

I know that Life goes on but mine is stagnant and will be for some time. I live my life in a heavy fog, and I know that one day it will lift and clear, but until then please be patient.

Thank you for caring about me.

Your concern is a gift I treasure..

[darleneandhunter]

Naz -

It took me about 4 - 5 months to come out of the "fog". I have been told by professionals that you are actually in shock. It might seem very painful, but the shock is a way of the brain protecting you.

There's so many stages of grief, and not everyone goes through them in the same order or in the same time frame. Sometimes the stages repeat themselves, especially if you have something traumatic happen afterwards.

My friends kinda dissappeared on me for a while. I am not sure if it was because they thought I needed the time to myself to grieve, or for other reasons. Every single person who has NOT had to deal with our brand of loss has said the same thing to me - such and such time has gone by, when are you gonna go back to normal? None of them understand that who he was made me who I am, even if I didn't know that while he was alive. I will NEVER be the person I was before Mark's death. Even after nearly 15 months, I still do not know who I am. I am not sure when I will ever be "normal" again, but it certainly won't be the "normal" everyone knew before. I am living in a world of having to rediscover the person I am without Mark.

Some of my friends were afraid to bring him up, afraid to see me cry. They didn't want me to hurt, and they didn't want to be the cause of that hurt. I told them the worse thing they can do is never talk about him in front of me. he was my life for 13 years. I cannot pretend he did not exist. I cannot be afraid to talk about him for fear of shedding a few tears. If I cried, it had nothing to do with them. I will cry, but I will also laugh with all the good memories. Don't make me pretend the memories didn't exist. I live with his memories every single minute of every single day, please don't make me live with them alone, in hiding.

It's not easy. I spend alot of time yelling at him for dying on me. Stupid little things like knowing how to set up the tv so that the VCR and DVD player can be switched back and forth. Putting together stupid little pieces of furniture like an office chair for my computer. He was not much of a handyman, but he usually did all that sort of thing. I get completely frustrated for getting stuck doing it all by myself.

As much as there is a hole in my soul, the worst part for me is raising my son by myself. Not DOING it, because I am, but watching him have to grow up without his father. All the things he has done since his father's death, and all the things he will be doing without his father in the future. We often talked of school plays, art, field trips and so many other things that parents are involved in. He is Mark's ONLY child. Mark looked forward to experiencing being a full fledged parent. It breaks my heart to see his son without his dad.

I have been told that the pain never goes away, but it changes. Now that I have had over a year to deal with it, I can agree with that. I still hurt. I still cry. I still miss him terribly, and nothing will ever change that, but I am beginning to discover the person I am without him. I have fewer and fewer mornings that I wake up and go, oh sh*t, I am still alive. Not that I ever wish I was dead, I just felt it would be easier if I went to sleep and just never woke up. Know what I mean?

[lettyp]

Thanks to everyone for their words of encouragement. The last couple of days have been pretty hard. It doesn't help that the weather has been cold and snowy. It doesn't help when it\'s warm and the sun is shining for that matter. Life right now seems so unbearable. I am glad for those who have other family members to take care of for they give them....for lack of better words.....something else to focus on, albeit temporarily. Our two children are grown. Our daughter Val is married and living in Virginia, but her husband will soon be transferring with his job to Colorado. Thank GOD! Our son lives here in town and is getting married in July. The things that my husband will not physically be here to witness....the marriage of his son and the upcoming birth of his first grandchild bring me unbearable sadness. Why does life have to be so cruel? I have no motivation to do anything but sit around all day. I haven't even gone back to work and it's been 2 months. Gosh, sometimes that seems like forever, and other times, it seems like just yesterday. I don't even want to go back to work. Some days it's an effort to just get out of bed and showered. Things that were important now seem so insignificant. I just hate this and I hate that my husband is no longer alive and with us.

[armaiti]

Letty, I know that one about the things that happen without them...Ishaq passed on July 28, just one week before his son was to be married. Ishaq and I were supposed to sing a song for them at the wedding (he and I played together and were also in a band together). It was so hard to go down there and be at the wedding, but I'm really close to his whole family so it was good for me to be down there with them. At least his son came and visited his dad two days before he passed, and they spent a long evening talking and hanging out, in the backyard, drinking wine, watching the cats play in the vegetable garden.

It does get easier, but there are waves up and down. I have days I can't get much done...other days where I work on a project like a maniac without stopping. Night is the hardest, being alone in the house without him. I have my cats, and my kitten lately seems to be sensing Ishaq around me, or getting messages from him...when I'm feeling the lowest at night, in bed, all of sudden she comes bounding out of nowhere to curl up under my arm and purr, like he's telling her to come keep me company. My spiritual belief is that Ishaq walks in a different form, and is still available for me to communicate with, it's just harder a lot of the time. I talk to him in dreams, or he sends me signs. I do believe our partners watch over us and stay with us, it is different for each person. A lot of the women here have posted their experiences of this.

To everyone: I just sent out an email announcement to my friends and community that I set up an online store with my artwork. I've been working on this for a week and finally got it to where I was ready to announce it, and I got some samples in and was very happy. It's at www.cafepress.com/divinelaughter This place Cafepress is very cool, if any of you are artists and have wanted to have your work on mugs or t-shirts or pillows, you can upload it to the site and set up your own online store, really inexpensively. I'm hoping to turn this into a full time business, expanding what I already do with my cards and prints. And of course I named it Divine Laughter Studio since Ishaq's name means divine laughter in Arabic. He was always so proud of what I did with my art, I think he will be happy that I'm focusing on it.

I also took a ride tonight on the scooter to our Last Friday Artwalk. Of course I saw an artist friend I haven't seen in a long time who didn't know Ishaq had passed away and I had to tell the whole story again...sometimes I think I should print a little leaflet so I could just hand it to people and not have to tell the story over and over again. (sigh)

I'm going to spend the rest of the evening relaxng and watching more Northern Exposure...

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

oh letty..

i am so sorry for your loss, but, as others have said, glad that you found this bb. IT will help...read old posts, hang with us, chat and you will begin to feel...different. better, worse, sadder, whatever. You will go thru the waves of grief and we will be here to help. Hang in there, everyone here knows what you're going thru.

naz...great letter, thanks..i think that will help a lot of people.

anna, i am going to check out your site, i can't wait! and Ishaq means "divine laughter"? OMG....how wonderful, and i think i may just change my name and hope for the best!

Darlene....i can't get to your site....i keep trying, i want to see your new stuff....any easier way? And remember, we're here to support each other, and that can be in many ways. If you tell us where your work is, like anna..and we can support you just by saying "how wonderful", and "you go, girlfriend'.. well, that says a lot.

this is a community of support, in our grief, our happiness, our reinventing ourselves without our loves, you never know how that will manifest itself....that;s the beauty of the bb.

peace to you all,

michele

[naz496]

darleneandhunter

I unfortunatly do know exactly what u mean. friends have just disapeared.and most days are an effort.

I yelled at a store lady today I am so over corporations and businesses saying that this is policy. stuff policy what about compassion. My 7yo son bought me a angel necklace for my birthday and the chain is to small wanted it swap it ofr longer one. they didt have anything in my price range. and refused to give me a refund. I spoke to head office whilst in the store only to be told they were at lunch. they would call back the didnt so I went back into the store and got told no. So i yelled at the lady. This was a gift from my 7yo and he wanted me to have angel earings and necklace so as i could be an angel like daddy was now. I said you tell him why I cant have it. I actually swore at her. I have never raised my voice or swore at anyone in public before. I did look around and noticed that there was a few people in the store and let her have it. I did appoligise and give her plenty of oppertunity to refund money but she refused. After I had finished raising my voice to her she did give me a refund. Why does life have to be so bloody hard.Why is there no compassion in the world(apart from here) anymore.gto my refund and cant find any angel earings now. crap.

how old is your son

Naz

[rodless]

Anna.. I have purchased things from cafepress. They have a great selection of scottie dog designs. I have it bookmarked on my computer so will definitely look for your designs. Love the name.

Naz... Hang in there. There's just no way anyone can understand this unless they've been through it.

This roller coaster - what a ride. About the time you think everything is bearable, you hit a downer. But I do think as time goes by it gets better. I don't know if it's acceptance or resignation to the way things are, but I'm like Darlene.. at least now when I wake up my first thought isn't about Rod not being there. When I first joined this board, I took heart in what others who were further along had to say so I hope I can do the same for some of you who are just starting out.

[aprilmoonflower]

I hope it's ok to post this but I just HAVE to post this amazing message I recieved from an equally amazing woman.. you can ask for a message yourself on her site here

http://amris-messagesoflove.blogspot.com/ (and read messages) such a beautiful gift...this message made me cry it resonates so deeply within my soul. It has given me alot of comfort, strenght and courage. I have asked the universe and DH for signs repeatedly and I do recieve them. this is one of them I beleive. also, this message kind of gives me goosebumps because one night I got so mad I started screaming & crying AT DH urn in the closet (Oh I was so mad!) I have never told anybody about that incident. it's ironic that a total stranger could give me such validation. I also received messages for my kids and they were equally validating as well as really enlightening to me regarding some birth trauma issues with my 19mo.

Do you remember a night, long ago, when you shook your fist at me? You were so angry! You asked me then why I hate you. The night was so dark, and so cold. You were hurting so deeply.

You asked me to tell you why I had put you through so many things. That you would honor me, if I would but answer you. And I tried to answer, but you turned me away. You were not ready to honor me, and as such, you were not ready to hear the answer to your question.

All of these many things, all of these deep heartbreaks, all of the regrets and miseries... they are a product of this place. They are the darkness that allows you to reach for the light.

The grand design is simple. It is a quest. A quest to return to the light. To come through darkness, and emerge into the sunlight. It is all the answer to a simple question.

Will life choose Light, or will life choose to descend into darkness?

And here you stand. In the fullness of the brilliance of the sun. Here you stand, honored, beloved human. You have prevailed in the most incredible way. You have fought the current that sought to drag you into the darkness, and you have reached the light.

Standing in the light, you reach higher. You strain to grow, to become even more than you are. You have already accomplished more than was ever asked for you, and yet you reach higher.

Can you see why you are special? Can you see the wonder, the magic, of who you are?

But dear one, beloved, you do not need to honor me. It is I who longs to be allowed to honor you. It is I who am delighted to be in your presence. It is I who reach out to you, in reverence and awe. The magnificent human. So much was against you, and yet you have learned to love, to live, and to give.

How can you be surprised that I adore you?

[aprilmoonflower]

btw Anna your store looks awesome! and I love the name! go you!

[mishknit]

..so how pathetic is it that i am watching marriage proposals on youtube the night before what would have been my 18th wedding anniversary?

seriously. pathetic.

let's see...what am i feeling tonight?

sad, angry, disgusted, did i say pathetic?

I just miss him so.

when tom proposed tome..can i tell this story? it was christmas eve 1988. we were at a party that night, and there were presents and dinner and champagne and toast..most of which had to do with love and marriage, but i wasn't really paying attention. First...did i mention there was cahmpagne? Also, I was determined that i be engaged by that newyears, and if he didn't ask me first i was going to ask him and dump him if he said no..so i was "preoccupied" in my thoughts, and just missed all the innuendos going on (becuase EVERYONE but me knew he was going to propose that night!). Anyway, when we got home there was a gift in my stocking..he urged me to open it. It was a date book...i still have it....with a lot of dates written in for "shopping" (for a ring), and then, on the following christmas....for being together,. married. Anyway, i can't do it justice...it was cool, i said yes, we decided to get married the following april fools day (perfect for us)....and now, I write this, so sad, so lonely, yet so grateful for the time we had together.

he taught me how to love...i am grateful for every moment, bad and good, we spent together. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, even knowing it would end like this. I guess i would just appreciate it all so much more in reality, vs in retrospect.

crying now, sad and happy....

god i miss that man,

just like all of you miss your guys.

i am so sorry for all of us, but tonite,

i guess, particularly for me..sorry.

peace, and BIG FRIGGIN HUGE SIGH.....

michele

[darleneandhunter]

Naz -

My son is also 7. He has just turned 6 when his father died. Yes, OH YES, I understand screaming at someone in a store! I have done it myself after Mark died. I seem to have lttle patience for people and stupid policies, that I have no hesitation in showing it. I have learned not to do it constantly, but I do it when it is needed. It really is hard these days.

Michele -

The only thing I can think of is to try going to www.fotki.com. When you get there, there are three search bars to the right. Just type in Darcicles in the member search. It will give you my results. Just click on it, and it will bring you to my front page. If you can get there, bookmark it for future reference. All my tabs are on the left. Click on photo albums>All my work. The Commemorative Jewelry album is right on top.

Anna -

I love your cats! All art is a labor of love. My work helps me with my pain. Although my heart aches and my soul feels destroyed, the nature of my work is helping me to heal. Selling it is a bonus as far as I am concerned. It has become an obsession for me though. I make stuff to sell stuff to buy more stuff to make more stuff...lol. It certainly does not pay my bills, but it does pay for itself. As long as it does that, I will keep on finding ways to create new art within my realm.

Rodless -

This whole thing is an up and down rollercoaster, one I wish I never stepped on to, but here we all are. Just when I think things are getting better, I have a few days of setbacks. I did my intake appointment with a therapist. I knew when to say enough is enough, that I just can't do this alone any more.

I want everyone to know that you should never feel ashamed that you have to reach out for professional help. I hated to admit my depression was getting the better of me, but I had to , if for nothing else but my son's sake. He doesn't deserve to be stuck at home every weekend because I am just too miserable to go anywhere. I dread even normal everyday errands. The issues with my mother and family brought me to the breaking point. I will probably be put on medication for this depression, as it has become unmanageable. My favorite aunt has now been admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. She is 79 tomorrow, and I am afraid I will lose her as well. She put on 30 more pounds, and they are afraid she might drown in her own fluids.

I understand death is a part of life, I really do. I just wish that it didn't have to happen to all the people that matter the most to me so closely in time. I feel like people are dropping lke flies all around me, and I know I am powerless to stop it. However, life really does go on, and my son needs ME, not some depressed slag of a mother stuck in her own cycle of misery. As I have started the process of reaching out, I hope that soon this misery will at least be relieved to some degree so I can go back to some kind of life.

[missinmyhubby]

BIG BIG BIG BIG ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[rodless]

Michele... I should have checked the board last night. I was in same condition. Crying etc.but so glad I had the chance to be part of his life. I would also so it all over again.

Rod's birthday is next Saturday, can't quit thinking about it. No one enjoyed his own birthday the way that man did. I have decided that each year I am going to do something special to honor and celebrate it. This year I am going to replace my licesnse plates with the new ones that have eagles on them. He was an eagle fanatic and could always spot them...pulled off the road to watch. We really enjoyed the places on the Mississippi where there were observation decks when we had a chance to be there. I took the personalized plates he had off after he died so this will be a special connection.

Big hugs to all who are having such a tough time. I am hoping the sun will shine tomorrow. So many gloomy doomy days this week.

[aprilmoonflower]

I hope everyone is getting through the day. I had a few rough moments this weekend as well but doing MUCH better now. I have started meditating again and it helps ground me. I really need to drag the treadmill out of the garage and start some yoga soon too. I miss exercising since I had my kiddos!

[missyouhoney811]

Went to Mass at 12 Noon - I was able to sing and pray with no tears today. The past few days I have been feeling good. I talk to John and tho I miss him terribly and I always will just thinking about how sick he was, I have no idea how he lasted as long as he did. How strong he was to put up with all that crap that was dealt his (our) way. Love him forever.

On a lighter side - take me to Vegas. I posted the other day about my 444 coming out (again) on the lottery. The following day (evening lottery) once again I played 811 super box - it came out - another $1,500.00. Yesterday, I played John's favorite number which is 385 - the number came out 358 - it still paid me $100.00. I also did a Mothers Day scratch off ticket - who would have thought I won $55.00 on the scratch ticket. I am not complaining, but the way I have been hitting in the month of March is not NORMAL.

aprilmoonflower - I start my exercise class tomorrow. It's been a long time since I've done anything with my body parts. They say if you don't move it you will loose it. Not ready for the loss - so I guess I will work out.

mishknit - I agree with you. When John first died I told everyone that if I knew that he would have become this sick I never would have got married. I even told my son it was foolish to care so much for one person. That was the evil, hurt Dorothy coming out. I would go through our life together again and again even knowing what the outcome would be. In sickness and in health till death do we part. I always thought we would go together in our sleep.

God Bless all of you,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- wow what a winning streak! just go with the flow and enjoy your windfall! =) my DH was always lucky like that! (I am never lucky!) I remember one time he won over $25,000 over the course of a couple of days at the indian casino. of course being young and dumb we blew through that $ traveling,etc. lol.. good times though. I am even more grateful for them now of course.

I think exercise is a win win choice as those endorphins will help "lift" us up!

[manda14]

Wow....I feel like I never really get caught up with the postings...you ladies write so often and there's always so much I want to respond to but it seems so long ago that you were speaking about it...anyway, Just wanted to say re: the dreams and feeling presences...I didn't dream about Mark for a long time, maybe 5 months or more.(it's been almost 11 months) but in the last few months I have had dreams but there are so frusterating I'd almost rather not have them. They are always about Mark being with me but I can't quite touch him or kiss him..or even find him.. I know he's there, I feel he's there but I can't see him...or can't reach him for some reason. Last night I dreamed of him and I and i was asking him to come home and he said he couldn't....but it was almost like a joke to him....Like I had to do something first before he could come to me.....Thought about the dream all day today and wish I could forget it.

The day after he passed my Aunt found a kitten on her way to my house and being the crazy cat person she is, picked it up and brought it to me. We put up posters and called the SPCA etc....but no luck finding it's home. She is still with me now and I truely feel like Mark sent her to me. We had been talking about getting a kitten cuz we just moved into a new condo, and he knew how much I wanted one. She is the sweetest, most playfull little thing and she even has some of his traits...Yeah, I know that sounds insane. If I am out late she will sit up in the living room and wait for me to get home and then she will follow me into my room to sleep on the foot of my bed.....sooooooo sweet.

Letty, don't worry about not working for 2 months...I took 6 months off (luckily I could since I moved back in with my parents after I lost Mark)And If I didn't have to work right now I might not.....just doesn't seem right to get on with your life right? Doesn't seem right to do anything that will make you happy either, but I just keep thinking that Mark would want me to be happy and have fun...and be taking care of myself...All our men would want that for us.

So I live in Vancouver, Canada...anyone want to take a trip here????? Nah, L.A sounds much better....

Totally off topic but,have any of you seen the DVD "The Secret"......any thoughts?

Manda

[missyouhoney811]

Manda - I have been checking into cruises and would you believe one of the stop overs is in Vancouver, Canada. You never know!!!

In reference to my butterfly story related to John. On saturday I was going to our grocery store Giant Eagles to buy flowers. I had a strong feeling come over me and it was John saying "take the drive for flowers, like we use to" so I drove pass our store and went the additional 31 miles into West Virginia. We always enjoyed ourselves when we took the drive. Went into the store - as I entered, the display of flowers were in my entrance along with a display of BUTTERFLIES EVERYWHERE. All different colors and sizes, hanging from the ceiling, cliped on the walls. I just couldn't believe my eyes. As I picked up my flowers I was talking to the girl at the florist display. After I told my story she started to cry because her father just passed and was grieving for him. She said when the display comes down she will call me so I can pick up all of the butterflies. If you would have seen all of the butterflies, what a beautiful sight. That is the reason John made me drive and go to Krogers in West Virginis. I plan on decorating Johns maple tress with the butterflies. No doubt in my mind, our husbands continue to stay with us in a different form, but they are here. I sure could use a BIG HUG now.

Today is the day I start at the gym. I guess I should get myself together. I hope all of you have a good day - keep your spirits high.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[sidvis]

Well. I haven't posted here in a while, but have been posting on other boards. Today I want to express how good I feel. It is about 18 months now. I am stronger and am trying not to feel guilty about it. I am almost there with feeling comfortable about feeling good. When you have felt bad for a long time, it is an odd sensation to feel, well, normal. The kicker was a concert I sang in yesterday. I sing with a group of older trained singers and we sing master works. Yesterday it was the Faure "Requiem." That is one of the most beautiful pieces of music, very French. During the performance, I felt like my old self! Whole! WOW! Surely that means I have taken another step to acceptance. To feel at peace, knowing my husband is forever with me in my soul. To not fight so hard against the loss and the longing. Just accept it for what it is and always will be. Thanks for letting me share.