I Miss Him So...

[naz496]

mishknit

thanks for you kind words it even gave me a laugh. I dont think I have genuinly laughed yet since Mal died.

I cant get out of holliday, and is it bad if i drug the kids (only joking.) Im thinking I might go and spend the elecrticity money on a portable dvd player for the 5.5 hr trip on the train. Who needs electricity anyway.. didnt end up going to movies today but just window shoped with a girl friend.

Naz

[missinmyhubby]

Darlene...my thoughts are with you. May Mark and your Granny have many laughs up there!!! Tell her to find my Mark too!!! Big (((hugs)))....

Angel

[justamom]

Darlene, My thoughts are with you. To lose a grandparent is such a bitter pain. They truely are people who love you unconditinally. I still miss my GG mam everysingle day. I know that if she were here that I would have so much support through all of this other crazy stuff. 93 - good long life. It sounds like you have much peace around her passing. Hang in there and take it easy on yourself.

Naz - elecricity is definitely overrated. Portable DVD player for long train ride - PRICELESS! There is also nothing wrong with giving your kids a little cough syrup for the trip - they have been sick haven't they?! (Just kidding kinda!)Safe Travels. Peace. Lisa

[fourleafclover]

Mariemikey:

Hi. Thanks for saying something. No, I dont belong to a support group and no, I haven't talked to anybody about it. As a matter of fact, NOBODY knows that I am going through this. You see, we were childhood sweathearts (since the age of 5). He broke up with me (to die) and I cannot forgive him for that. I thought he loved me... I thought we could tell each other everything. When I was six, he told me that he would go before me (knowing how afraid of death I was) so that he could be the one to come and fetch me. When we broke up, I didn't even know he was sick. I didn't know that he had been sick for 3 years already. I loved him so much and believed him when he said there was someone else. I so wish that were true. I adore my husband and children, but I truly, truly love him so much and yet, I despise him at the same time. Sometimes I feel that if he were alive still, I'd kill him with my bear hands. Just please tell me (it's been 7 years) when does it get better?????

[fourleafclover]

Mariemikey:

Sorry for giving you such short answers. I try to avoid the story of "us", but maybe I should start at the beginning. Maybe I will sound ridiculous and maybe it would seem silly; maybe it will just be another story as I realise by going through the post that I am not the only one to suffer. There are so many of us out there. I was five years old; the year before I was to start grade 1. I was on the beach in my hometown building sandcastles. (I used to build sandcastles all day trying to stay out of my father's way). Every morning when I returned, my sandcastle was washed away by the ocean and I was devastated by this. (Being 5, I believed that they would be there in the morning). Anyway, one morning this boy (William) approached me and asked why I was crying. I told him the story of my sandcastles and to my surprise he ran off. I had just started rebuilding them when he returned (with his father) and a wheelbarrow. He told me he had a plan; they were going to carry all the sea sand to his house and I could come and build my sandcastles there (he promised they would never wash away). Well...I was hooked on this spanish boy...he was my hero. I built my sandcastles everyday (with his help) and even though his parents had a pool put in, they had to build around my sandcastle. This carried on for years, and our sandcastle became bigger and bigger. It was a wonderful escape from reality and my parents, especially my father. William was my everything. In primary school and later in high school we were inseperable. I had no friends, but William. He had no friends, but me and we were happy exactly the way we were. Sometimes at night, I used to wake up to find he had snuck into our house and was sitting on my bed watching me. Other nights, he used to knock on my window softly and we would sneak out to the beach and lay looking up at the stars. I clearly remember the year of the uprising (we were six years old). I was petrified that we were all going to die. William knew this and woke me one night. He told me that it would be okay, because we would still be together. In any case, he would make sure he died before I did, just so that he would be the one to fetch me when the time came. Needless to say, my hero settled my heart. We were together every day and every night after that for the next 12 years and yes, we were together in every way. My parents got divorced (thankfully) and I was separated from William for the first time in my life. It was the hardest thing I had gone through and I lived for the day that I could find my way back to him. We tried to see each other as often as we could, but there were times when I felt things were changing. Then the call..."I have met someone else", he said out of the blue. I couldn't breathe and my heart broke into pieces, but I decided to accept it. I loved him...I needed him to be happy. Before saying goodbye, he told me to always wear the four leaf clover pendant he gave me on my 11th birthday. I promised I would although I couldn't understand why it had mattered. I finally finished school and studies and decided to try and find him. It had been four years and I wanted to look him in the eye when he told me that he no longer loved me. The boy who brushed my long blonde hair because he was too afraid my mother would hurt me if she did it; the boy who sat at my hospital bed when I had my tonsils and appendix removed because he was too afraid that something might happen to me if he weren't there; the boy who came to all my dentist and doctor's appointments because he needed to protect me. I needed to see it in his eyes. I went back to my old home town, but I couldn't find him. After weeks of looking, I fould an old mutual friend. After hesitating for a while, she finally told me. "William died a year ago. You weren't supposed to know..." was all she said. After cross examining her with so much anger in my heart, it finally all made sense. William had cancer. Found out about three years before he broke up with me. When they realised there was nothing more to do for him, he decided that it would be better for me if I didn't know. Once again, he wanted to protect me. I am so angry with him for making that decision on his own. I wanted to be there for him just as he had been there for me during my childhood; holding my hand even when my father's abuse was no longer a secret. Who gave him the right to decide? Today I wear the four leaf clover pendant with so much hatred and anger. I feel like I cannot forgive him for that. I look into the eyes of my husband and children, and I see love and happiness; but when I close my eyes, I see William. How do I tell my husband that even though I love him, I love William too and I feel him sometimes. Who do I explain all this to? I have no family... Just tell me please, please, please, that oneday my husband and children will matter more, because right now...I just don't know how to carry on.

[mishknit]

wow, what a story fourleafclover.

beautiful, and so very sad.

I'd probably kill him too....i understand that anger. And i'm glad you're here....the perfect place to talk about that anger and that awesome love....

as for whe it gets better?

Noone can tell you that answer...

hang in there,

michele

[lindat]

fourleafclover - In my opinion, if your husband loves you, he will accept William also. You have every right to be angry, but William didn't want you to be sad and he didn't see any other way to protect you. From what you have told us, he would be very sorry to have caused you so much pain, it was probably the last thing he wanted. He must have been a great actor to have convinced you that he had another love, I think he believed it was the only way (knowing how afraid of death that you were) that you would never know. You were very blessed to have him in your life and to be so loved when you were so vulnerable. I believe William will be waiting to greet you when your time comes. I don't know if we ever get over it, but hopefully it will get easier in time.

[missinmyhubby]

I came on tonight to just read...I started to go back a few pages and wound up on page 85....I should have left well enough alone. I am not doing so well lately. I had, and still do have, a lot of guilt issues I deal with. I have always been very strong willed and often stubborn. I promised I had learned my lessons when DH passed. I vowed to leave a lot of pieces of myself that I didn't like in the rubble of the mess I found myself in when he passed. I have grown stronger over time...maybe now sometimes too strong. I have been finding myself acting the same way...strong willed and stubborn...why am I not leaving that in the rubble?????????? I have a wonderful man in my life but I am not acting too nice lately!!! I am feeling very agitated and itchy to move again...like I am wanting to run away from something, but I have no clue what!!!!! I want to escape, but I don't know from what, or to where!!!!! I just want to be alone right now. I am tired and exhausted and just want to rest and be by myself. My head hurts from thinking too much!!!!! Trying to figure out what the hell is going on, why, and how to deal with this. I know this too shall pass, as everything does, but I want it to go away and quick!!!!!

[fourleafclover]

Hi...thanks for the feedback and encouragement. How desperate I am for just a little "see the bright side of it". I'm hoping and praying that I can just get past my anger, and then maybe get through the rest of my life. Thank you so much. Never in a million years did I think it capable to share all this with people I have never met, and feel better in the process. I do feel better, but unfortunately...the little voice inside me keeps telling me that this couldn't have been all there was for William and I. To all of you who are mourning their own losses...so, so sorry. May your hearts find the comfort it needs and may each and every one of you find a way to pick up and carry on again. My thoughts are out there with you all.

[mishknit]

angel...

god, i so hear you!

14 months later, and i'm still the same self centered, slefich, stubborn woman i was...at least it seems that way. A bad mom, an unloyal friend..i am really beating my self up. I am frustrated with life, i don't want it on the terms i have it, but know i have no other choice. i want to control eveything, but know i can't control anything. I want to help my son, but know he has to help himself.

Everything has changed, i know so much more, and yet keep slipping back into old patterns, patterns that never have worked for me, and still don't. Especially the control issue...wouldn't you think I'd finally get it after tom's sudden death? that i have NO control over anything or anyone....and yet i continue trying to make life go my way...well, life went south a long time ago, i don't know why i don't get it.

It is amazingly frustrating...and i don't know how to get thru it. meanwhile i suffer, as does my son (we had fight this am...we really usually do get along, but our fights are always about the same things, and that's the part that's killing me)

did you find the answer back to page 85? LOL....I wish.

peace, michele

[iwillawayluvhim]

I don't know how everyone dose this my partner isn't gone yet and every time I see him all I want to do is cry and yell that it wasn't meant to be like this.

My fiance and I met only eight months ago on july 3rd at 2:39 am we met on the internet after that one night of talking we started to call each other next thing we know is he's asking me to move in and once I did we got engaged two weeks after. It was about a month an half after that when my fiance went to have his back x rayed and they found something in his colon, he went back for test and on novmeber first we found out it was cancer, at first we we told he had over a yr left, but he went back to the doctors and he was given six months. Now everyone is trying to protect me from something that I should take care of and the one person that wasn't there for him when this started it the one everyone turns to, this is the same person the ran away to the other side of the US leaving her son behind, and all anyone tells me now is i'm sorry or clam down how can you clam down while the person you love more then anything is dying and the only chance of saying good bye to this person is being taken from you just because all the paper work for emergancy's is still under the name of the ex wife. And on top of this all his parents are just making this worse somehow they think his ex will come a kick me out so there forcing me to leave the man I love in one week and my own family has abandoned me, I'm getting so worked up about this that i'm having a hard time eatting anything and my fiance gave me a pill last night to clam me down so I could sleep.

I really don't know how to deal with this and the helplness I feel at atleast taking care of him, isn't that what I'm meant to do right now take care of him isn't that a form of closer?

[armaiti]

Iwillawayluvhim - I am so sorry you are going through this. One thing to consider, is to have your fiancee make out a will naming you executor of his estate and beneficiary of his estate, and you can even do this with free forms that you can download from the Internet Legal Research Group at http://www.ilrg.com/forms

They also have power of attorney forms. I used the forms on this website to make up a will for my partner who had type 1 diabetes, since he and I lived together but weren't married. His son is a lawyer and looked it over and said these forms are totally fine and will stand up in court. Or if you are engaged, is he willing to go ahead and get married now? That would take care of any issues with family or the ex-wife, since as a spouse you would be the one in charge of emergency situations.

I hope my suggestions aren't too forward, please forgive me if they are, I know when you are going through such intense things it is sometimes hard to find solutions, so I wanted to put a few things out there.

Peace to you,

Anna

[missinmyhubby]

Michele...Thanks for replying. I am sorry to hear you and your son had it out this morning. =( It is not nice to know you are going through the same thing, just nice to know someone understands!!! I seriosly doubt you are either a bad mom, or disloyal friend!!! But, I get the beating yourself up over this crap!!! I have never really wanted to control others...at least I don't think so..lol. I just like control over myself and my own life. I don't like it when others try to change that. And really, a lot of it is simple petty things to most others, but aggrivating as heck to me!! For example...I am very much the neat freak, get things done now...not later, if you tell me you are going to do it..then do it..don't take six months or just forget altogether, etc. My new hubby is very much a pig (if I let it get that way =)), and very much the procrastinator!!! Like I said..I love him dearly and he is a GREAT man. I really don't think it is those things that are bothering me...but something else..and I just can't figure it out!!! And, those things are just taking the cake. What I have found that I am starting to hate...is sometimes I want to be upset with him, but find I won't let myself because I don't want something to happen and then have all that damn guilt again..ya know?!?!? Then, I find myself actually being kinda rude and it just starts to snowball from there. The more I get upset with myself the worse things are getting. I start to relax and just be me, and then the next thing I know..the smallest thing is agitating me. I really do want to escape right now...to be alone and to not be putting others through whatever this is. I know my anniversary is coming up with my late hubby, but after evaluating my feelings..I really don't think that that is what is causing this. I do know I have not had ANY alone time lately. Things have been hectic at work and the kids ball season just started. This weekend I have three days off, and just maybe I am going to go get me some time alone!!! Even if it is just to go play Bingo by myself. I remember in the beginning when DH passed, I couldn't function, couldn't deal with people, wanted no part of anything except to lay in my bed and hold his pillows. As I have written on here before, I was just no good to anyone for about a year or so. Small step after small step I made my way back into this world. And not often, but sometimes...it is all still toooooooo much!!!!! I don't know why I don't get it either. And you said it so well....IT IS AMAZINGLY FRUSTRATING!!!!! And no...I did not find my answer back to page 85..LOL..I just got more and more depressed and miss him so damn much!!! But after writing on here, I went to another site and was reading some poems on grief. A lot of the poems seemed to be from parents who lost children. I can say one thing...as I read them, I am grateful I have never lost one of my children...if I thought I lost my mind before...that would absolutely undo me with out a doubt..and with no return!!! I have always said that the only thing that I can think of that would be worse than loosing my husband, is the loss of one of my children. I always try to be positive...even if a negative comes through...they say that, "someone out there always has it worse of then you." That would be worse to me. Okay..I am done rambling...hope you and son have a better a.m. then the last...he loves you!!! Big (((HUGS))) to you and everyone on here!!!! Peace and Chicken Grease!!!!

[missinmyhubby]

To all on here....I found this when I was on the other site the evening before last...I bet ALL of us can relate!

Suddenly I'm in the pit

Where no one wants to be

I'm down among the muck and mud

I can't even see me

Much less my daily round of tasks

My son, my house, my job

The pit takes all my focus

Just to stay abob

I fight it for a few days

But then the pit might win

I'm weak and sad and feel so bad

Might not come out again

So then I write my sisters

Each one has seen the pit

And someone always throws a rope

To pull me out of it

The rope of love that holds us close

Is strong enough to fit

Into the darkest depths of sad

When I am in the pit

You all are my dear lifelines

I love you every one

The new, the old, the shy, the bold

To Griefnet we all come. (Beyond Indigo)

by Bonnie, Di's Mom

[missinmyhubby]

Sidvis...I thought immediately of you when I read this one. I know you were (maybe still are) upset with me and question my reasons for coming to this board, even three plus years later, and remarried...maybe this will clear it up some.

Come, take my hand, the road is long. We must travel by stepping stones.

No, you're not alone; I'll go with you.

I know the road well, I've been there.

Don't fear the darkness, I'll be there with you.

We must take one step at a time,

But remember we may have to stop awhile.

It is a long way to the other side

And there may be obstacles.

We have many stones to cross; some are bigger than others.

Shock, denial and anger to start,

then comes guilt, despair and loneliness.

It's a hard road to travel, but it must be done.

It's the only way to reach the other side.

Come, slip your hand in mine.

What? Oh, yes, it's strong. I've held so many hands

like yours. Yes, mine was one time small and weak like yours.

Once, you see, I had to take someone's hand in order

to take the first step.

Oops! You've stumbled. Go on, one step at a time.

There's no need to hurry.

Say, it's nice to hear you laugh. Yes, I agree,

The memories you shared are good.

Look, we're halfway there now; I can see the other side.

It looks so warm and sunny.

Oh, have you noticed we're nearing the last stone

and you're standing alone?

We've reached the other side.

But wait, look back. Someone is standing there.

They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones.

I'd better go, they need my help. What? Are you sure?

Why, yes. Go ahead, I'll wait. You know the way;

you've been there.

Yes, I agree, it's you turn, my friend -

To help someone else cross the stepping stones.

I hope today you are finding some peace...hugs to you.

[aprilmoonflower]

the last few weeks have been ho hum for me. I too am restless. but for what I don't know!?!?! I don't even feel like socializing much, let along start having new elationships. all my energy is focused on my kids these days anyhow. I guess I am feeling kind of "stuck" these days, yet also kind of on the brink of something..

it will be 19 months for me on the 25th. I feel just as confused now as I did then. not so sad every second of the day at least I can say that for sure. the sadness deepens though in a way. I am trying hard to not let it define me. I guess that's what I struggle with most. people see me and feel sorry for me. it's unnerving. I don't need pity, I need support!

btw Anna I've been meaning to tell you my 4 kiwi vines are growing like mad up the back fence! =)

[mishknit]

you know angel....

i have a feeling mark would happily let you have a day or two to yourself..he sems like a great guy.

tom was a member of a men's club (don't get me started0..and took off for long weekends without me, and i spent time on my own too...very happily and nourishing. bet if you asked....! LOL!

i'm better today, i am a great mom and a great friend...bad day, bt i'm sure there will be more, so i yoyo around, and what can i do? just be me, i guess.

last night at my grief group, our leader asked us if we knew how brave we all were. i hadn;'t though of myself like that, but look at all of us, going thru this, hanging on an taking care of families and relationships qand responsibilites...

we are so brave,

so courageous,

so, well, amazing in many ways.

we don't necessarily feel like that, but every once in a while, that comes thru....

and instead of the pain there's a feeling of power.

peace,

michele

[mishknit]

just a quick aside....

to those who don't know me yet...

i pretty basically can't type, and so...

i ask for forgiveness, and that you all have skills in translating what i have to say! LOL

michele

[armaiti]

Good morning...I haven't posted in a few days, mainly because I've been busy both with riding the scooter and with a new project. A friend turned me on to this online store called Cafe Press where you can upload your art and design shirts and bags and mousepads and all kinds of stuff with your designs, and then both sell them through their website and order them to sell on your own, so I've been adapting a lot of my art pieces to work on this site. It's almost ready to launch - I've ordered a few samples to check over the quality before I do any mass emailing or promotions. Ishaq was always so supportive of my art and I know he must be happy I'm finally working towards getting a business started. Plus, I have a good friend who has offered to give me some start up money, since I don't have a lot of expendable income now that Ishaq isn't here brining in a monthly check. I'm really excited about this, and hopeful that it will be successful...I have a lot of Sufi themed designs, but I also do a lot of flowers and other designs, so I think I can appeal to a wide range of folks.

I also wrote a bunch more for Associated Content (thanks again April!), so things are looking up. I'm getting used to being here in the house alone, yet not alone...often when I'm going to sleep I feel a gentle presence with me that I know is my Ishaq. I know he'll always be with me. There are still bad/sad times, often when I watch something sad on a movie...or when I hear a song that we used to sing together, that sort of thing.

How is everyone else doing?

Peace,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna - I also feel Johns presence with me. I still talk to him, my tears are getting less. I will always miss and love him but I also know that he would want me to find some sort of peace and happiness. He will always have my heart.

I enjoyed my trip to Naples, Florida visiting my sister and brother-in-law. It was great. We walked six miles everyday on the beach. Maybe it was the sun and the good company I had but I actually had fun and laughed alot. We went out for dinner every night and I had MANY, MANY DRINKS. It was a great time.

Sherman was at the kennel (his very first time) he was not very happy. But he is alright and is back home. Unbelievable the love animals can give you.

I also joined a fitness club today. I have to get this body moving again before I fall apart completely. I finally realized not taking care of your body adds to health problems. I do not want my son going through the depression of an unhealthy parent.

Ended my day for dinner at our favorite restaurant. The manager sat down with me again and asked when I would be their day time hostess? So possibly I will be starting within the next two weeks (2-3 times a week) It will get me out of the house and get my brain functioning once again.

At present time I do feel myself getting stronger. I find myself going to church often and praying alot these days. Although, at night when I go to bed I still cover over with John's blanket and tell him to keep me safe and protect me. I fall asleep with no problem. He is still with me and always will be. He will remain my one true love forever and ever.

May you all have peace.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[manda14]

Well, it's been a while since I'ver been here. Had the urge to read your stories and I'm glad I did. I've been feeling quite like a roller-coaster these days...never really know when I'll hit the bottom.

Logan: You said that you just wanted to yell and scream...well do it then. Go outside, find a quite forest or park and just scream as much as you need to.

What would Vic want you to do with yourself? Think about what would make him proud. I try to make my choices based on "what would he want me to do?" Since my judgement is kinda messy. He would want you to go to prom and have fun. He would want you to make sure you have a great time with your friends so you will always have a great memory of Prom.

Amazing how we all become such collectors of rediculious things....shirts that have a smell, the last bank statement, maybe even the last cup he drank out of...etc.etc...That's pretty crazy if you think about it...but we all do it.

My problem was that his mother came and took all his clothes out of his closet and did some of his laundry..( even though he and I lived together)

I decided not to go back to the condo we shared and she felt it alright to come and clean and take stuff...luckily I took some things that I really wanted before she did. I wanted to give some of his things to his friends, but now it’s at his parents house…probably being worn by his ungrateful brother (no bitterness there)

Got a new cell phone last week and almost broke down in the store when the guy told me that I couldn’t transfer my old text messages over to the new phone……got a grip and decided that I can let go of them…probably better if I do anyway…letting go little by little I guess.

On the new guy subject, I really feel guilt just over the thought of replacing my good feelings of being in a relationship with mark with new ones of some other guy. I keep seeing men and thinking “Maybe he’s the new man in my life…or maybe he can be…he looks good enough…maybe he has a great job..” Almost like I’m buying a freaking car….not really caring about the little details like if he’s nice or not…but he needs to be reliable and take care of me….Then I think will I forget what my first kiss was like with Mark when I have a first kiss with someone else? I don’t remember anything like that about past relationships…I don’t want to forget, but I think things like that kinda just replace it’s sefl in your brain.

My newest problem is my ten year High School reunion coming up in June…..Does no one understand that I don’t really want to go to that…and why… Mark and I knew eachother in High School, we graduated , but didn’t start a relationship until almost 6 years later…..so he wont be at the reunion….why is it hard for people to get that maybe I don’t want to be there either……I;m not looking forward to the “ Oh, what are you doing now? Are you married? Kids? Great job?…my answer “ Well I’m in mourning over the loss of Mark, who I never had a chance to marry or start a family with. I have a few crappy jobs just to keep me eating and living with a roof over my head, but basically I have no desire to finish anything I start, not enough energy to work hard at anything and life SUCKS!!!!” How do you think they would respond to that?????

Actually now that I just wrote that I kinda want to say it to someone…might feel good.

On top of that…my two best girlfriends are both recently married…and one is 5 months pregnant……..AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Jealous Much??????

Now that I’ve ranted…..Man that felt good…just what I needed today actually……Hope you are laughing at me…..I’m laughing at myself.

Glad I decided to look you all up again

Amanda

[samrtb]

manda - i have the randomest stuff that i have kept to remind me of my boyfriend. right down to his cell phone which somehow wasn't cleared from the crash site. i was going through my car today and found a hat of his, which of course smelled like him, and even some birthday cards he asked me to mail but i had forgotten about. oops. but it was enough to throw me for a loop. so i understand the up and down part. i was feeling better for a few days, and then, wham, im crying my eyes out in my car on my break from work and turning off my phone to avoid plans id made for tonight. my friends keep trying to set me up with men they know, they think im young (24) ill move on, but everyone i meet just doenst compare to the one i've lost. im scared that no one will. yet at the same time that makes me happy because i dont want anyone to replace him. he was the love of my life, and whoever else i may or may not be with, i hope that when i die, it is russ that i am with, not anyone i meet from this point forward. it will be five months this sunday. i think im going to go to church. he was very religious and while im still struggling with my beliefs, i know it would make him happy to see me at church.

stay strong, and dont forget that a. you dont have to go to your reunion, and b. you dont have to answer to anyone. i know, easier said than done. but also at the same time, maybe you will reconnect with friends that will make life better for you right now? i know that in the wake of my boyfriends death, many old friends have come forward with support and i have rekindled relationships with them. not that this makes my loss disappear, but it is at least a positive that has come out of a major negative. just something to think about. but again, stay strong and my prayers are with you

and i hope everyone else on here is doing well...

steph

[armaiti]

I too have many items of Ishaq's that I've saved...the sheets we last slept on together are carefully boxed up and saved; the river socks he was wearing the day he passed are on his ancestor altar in my bedroom...I actually wrote about keeping his things in a piece called "The Clothes He Wore", which if any of you are interested you can see at: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/165136/the_clothes_he_wore_why_i_didnt_pack.html

I've put a lot of the poetry I've written for and about Ishaq and our continued relationship on that too. I've found that writing has been really healing and helpful. I so feel for those of you with unsupportive family and friends, those who expect you to "move on" even when it has been only a few months! In my spiritual traditions we recognize that a person should take a minimum of a year for mourning, and up to seven! I feel so blessed to have my teachers abd friends and that Ishaq's family are so supportive of me. His son called to tell me he got a new job as an environmental lawyer and I was one of the first he called! That makes me so happy.

I'm going to try and get out of here today and ride my scooter before the rain comes again in earnest...

Peace to you all,

Anna

[mishknit]

Anna...

i tried to find your writing on the site..couldn't. I don't know why, there seemed to be a lot of stuff up and it was pretty confusing....i'll try again because i'd like to read it.

meanwhile, i'm beginning to think you should change your screen name to something along the lines of "scooter grrrll" or something fun like that....you seem to be having so much fun with your scooter!

it's wonderful how sometimes one new thing, or change, can really help.

I hope you made it before the rain!

my day has been sucky...yesterday too. i think it's because it's almost my anniversary (april 1, second one without tom)....and he is so present in my mind these days. I miss him so, and when i begin to do things on my own that i know he'd enjoy, or "take over'...i feel guilty, i guess. I'm not sure what the feeling is...guilt, loss, guilt for being alive and here to enjoy the things he can't..maybe that's the closest. Some weird survivor's guilt. Soon i am going to a play, and then to a friends' house to see their pics of a cruise some of my friends took to australia and new zealand..things tom and i will never do. i will be the only single person there, and it is also the house where exactly 1 week before tom died we had a lovely party that ended in singing around the piano...tom's fave thing. I have pics of that night, and whenevr i see them my heart stops...he ws dead just one week later1 How could that be!

oh god, lots of buttons being pushed i guess....things have been better lately, normal to have a dip.

I'm just tired of riding the waves.

take care all,

michele

[armaiti]

Michele, try just going to www.associatedcontent.com and typing "Anna Armaiti" in the search box. The first thing that comes up on the list is the link to my page with my info and a list of all the articles I've written.

Sorry you are having a sucky couple of days. I know that I'm on the top of a wave now, surfing the excitement of starting a new business, something Ishaq always encouraged me to do, so I know he's watching over me and I think he'd be proud of what I'm doing. But what goes up must come down, I know, and I know that there are low spots ahead as well. I'm sure glad I wasn't feeding my cats any of that contaminated food, you all do know about the dog and cat food recall right? I don't think I could stand to lose Akbar and Mckenzie right now...my older cat, the "problem" cat is eighteen so I've already prepared myself for when she goes, but the others are my "babies" and sleep with me most nights.

Take care everyone,

Anna

[mishknit]

anna...

i found it! How wonderful to read what you have written!

i admit i read very fast, because, in the midst of this sucky time, I am going to go to my party tonite and have a good time....because I am alive, or, in one beautiful way you put it..i still walk in my body.

But I have your page bookmarked now, so i can go back and read more. i did read the one about the ancester table....i feel like mine is so right for me, and in reading your description I feel even better about it. i , too, change it aroud a lot, add things, sometimes fresh flowers, sometimes a little joke i hear, my son just wrote a beautiful poem that is resting there now...i like the idea of decorating for the holidays, and will begin doing that. My table has two levels, so his ashes are below with some things and pics and candles and other things on top.

anyway, i ramble.

I am going to go wash my face, keep on the crappy clothes I've had on all day, and go spend a lovely evening with my friends....with our friends. It will be fun and safe and warm, and i will be loved....how then can i still be in a sucky mood? right?

peace to all,

michele

[naz496]

Have just been reading some of your posts. I have a question. U say that you feel you missing partners presence. Its been 14 weeks 6 days and I dont dream about him dont feel him, have had a couple of instances of flickering lighta but that it. I went to a sycic fair and My husband came through. He was the only Malcolm and I was picked out of 500 people, he was with my dad and grandfather, and whilst this gave me a feeling of content. This was 3 weeks after he died, and Ive had nothing since. nothing foe 12 weeks

My daughter threw up on his last shirt that haddent been washed and his pillow so I dont even have that now. I cant even look at his pictures I just have a climpse at them as the pain that goes with it is just unbearable.

I told him over and over again that I didnt want this life for us, and yet I find myself exactly where I didnt want to be.

Have to take the kids to a birthday party today and dont want to go.

Its a social thing and dont ever want to be social.

Had the crap scared out of me last night at 12.30 in the morning The front door blew open, from the wind. Its the first time I have been scared to be in the house by myself. I was petrified. couldnt go back to sleep, and to late to take a sleeping tablet, as I wouldnt b able to get up in the morning for the kids.

Went out in the rain in my pajamas this morninh to weed the garden. It was poring nut U didnt really notice. How long can this go on for I hate it, and I hate that he left us. I hate that I told him every day for 12 years that he would end up killing himself and leaving us. all our family and friends told him the same. How do you get over the I told u so. I so wish he died from and accident of something so I didnt have this anger as well.

We away for 2 days with the kids I had already paid for it Mal and I were suppose to go alaone. Kids had a good time and it was nice to see them laugh and play, but the saddmess and guilt forbids me from ever enjoying life again..

I have no will to be happy. I find myself also checking out other blokes. Not to ever replace Mal and I could never be with another Man. But I dont want to be alone, but I cant be with anyone else. I dont think there is anyone out there that would have me.(well us now its not me anymore we are a package of 3).I listen to others peoples winging and think to myself Ill give u my life if u want to bitch . I just dont are about much these dasy.

Sorry

Having a bad morning. Its sunday over hear and I hate sundays. I fiond them reaaaalllyyy hard.

Whilst raeding your posts makes my cry ALOT. it is also nice to have u all here to know that I am not alone. Thankyou all.,

Naz

[samrtb]

today is five months since russ died. i dont know if anyone else has this feeling, but it feels like it happened yesterday, but at the same time 5 years ago as well. i feel like im starting to forget what it feels like to be with him and that scares me. i try to imagine him holding me or kissing me, and i can, but i can't feel it like i used to be able to. i just feel like im in a fog all the time, and have been since he died. its the only thing i ever think about. im scared that will never change. im seeing three different therapists, but i dont feel like i have my friends to talk to anymore. they seem to be at the point where they are tired of hearinga bout it. i dont really blame them, i know they dont fully understand, but at the same time, its all thats on my mind so naturally all i have to talk about. my friends mom lost her highschool sweetheart in a car/motorcycle accident, and she has told me, as many people have, that the first year is the hardest, and im doing a good job navigating through it. but i dont want to feel like this another day.

anna - i read some of your writings about your partner and they were beautiful. i also went to the website you set up for him. he seemed like a wonderful man and i am so sorry you lost him. i want to set up something like that for russ, but so far all i have managed is a slideshow of him on myspace.

anyways, i wish everyone the best. thanks for letting me get these feelings out, as im sure you all know, it helps just to get them out.....

steph

[aprilmoonflower]

It's been 19 months today for me. I think I have come a long way but yet still feel like I have a LONG way to go. just feeling sad here..

naz496-I think I have felt my DH presence. when he first died I would be sitting on the couch and it would feel like someone was touching me from behind! (all the hair on my neck would stand up and everything) I asked him to please not do that anymore and it hasn't happened again. I have had other things happen too but not sure if it's just a figmint of my imagination. I am pretty much an atheist but I do beleive "something" has to happen to our wordly energies when we pass..just not sure what?

[darleneandhunter]

Latest news:

My family does not know when to leave me the &*%$ alone!

The police were at my door last night!

Someone called them, "concerned' with my sonh's welfare, that he might be abused and or neglected.

my @$$!

Of course, right now, my house is a mess. Nothing a broom, a vaccuum, and about 15 min of my time can't fix. I have been dealing with my granny's death, trying to keep my wits about me, and dealing with a very nasty head cold that came up and smacked the both of us. I haven't really thought much about it. Then I get this.

Of course, I know they have to follow up on all reports, but a SATURDAY?????!!!????

Come on!

Then he tried to play the usual psychological game with me, and I of course, let him know I knew that. There are far worse people and more legitimate calls to investigate, rather than my stupid family making false accusations. Especially since LAST Saturday was the first time ANYONE in my family has ever laid EYEs on my 7 year old son, much less be involved in our lives to know anything more than that.

it's petty, it's childish, and it pisswes me off to know end. Of course, that's what they wanted. I informed the police that if child services contacts me, I will have no choice but to put no contact orders on every member of my family. They know NOTHIG of my life, and only did what they did because THEY weren't with granny for her last cognitive moments, *I* was.....

Not that they are chasing me out, but I am now going to find a new place to live. Things were peaceful here until this happened. Now that they all have my address, I have no doubt they will do nothing but make my life miserable. I don't want that. I don't want any part of them.We have done just fine without them all these years, and I will continue to do so.

Nothing is holding me to this town except bad memories. My granny is at peace. I just want to be left alone, and live my life in peace, as much as it can be without my Mark.

Sorry for the expurlatives.

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- that is insane!!! I would be furious! Please be sure you are aware of your rights if CPS comes knocking at your door. some good info to read is here http://familyrightsassociation.com/cpswatch/parents_guide/ be sure NOT to let them in without a warrant and DO NOT sign anything! I will be thinking of you and hope nothing comes about..

[darleneandhunter]

April,

Oh, I already know full well what my rights are. I don't even have to let the cops in without a warrant, and they now know I know that. My son is in NO danger, nor is he being abused and/or neglected. Thanks for the site tho, I will check it out.

I have dealt with the system before. I also know it has been under federal investigation for nearly two years now. Even if there WAS a problem, it wouldn't be THEM I look for help from in the first place.

I am calling my son's therapist in the morning, just to let him know what took place. He KNOWS I am doing the best I can, and he knows I am doing everything I SHOULD be doing for my son, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If thiss ever gets as far as the courts, I have him to back me up with.

NEVER underestimate the power of a smart, but VERY angry woman!

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- oh good! I just hear horror stories all the time about CPS!

[darleneandhunter]

April,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I am so glad I went to the website. I have it saved to my favs...lol.

I reccommend ANYONE with children in public schools go READ the Hatch Amendment, and download(or copy and paste) it, and save it for future reference.

http://www.religiousfreedoms.org/articles/article_hatch_ammendment.htm

I was so stressed out over the this stupid report to the police, I spent most of the night trying to find a way to keep them from invading my son's privacy while he was at school. I found the Hatch Amendment. I I copied the sample letter to word pad and edited it to my liking, and sent it off to the school. I called the principal, informing her of this, and she actually had to look it up!

I was finally able to lay my head down and get some sleep, and dontcha know, she left me a message that DSS called the school. I called her back, and she tells me that the Hatch letter might not apply, since she is a mandated reporter to DSS. I said it certainly DOES apply, considering the Hatch Amendment letter HAS to be complied with. She actually has to bring it to the town's Board of Selectmen to see if it is legal!

Oh, not only is it legal, and they HAVE to comply, but if they choose NOT to, there is a procedure to file a claim against the school, and they could LOSE federal funding!

I never intended to cause such a commotion, but It will be interesting, to say the least, to see how this is going to play out in the politics of a one-horse town. I do have to make copies of the letter and send it to the superintendant of schools, but all in all, I have had a very successful (not to mention relieving) day.

A PHD got nothin' on a smart woman with internet access! YAY!

[darleneandhunter]

To everyone else,

In reference to my previous post, I sincerely appologize for talking about this in our forum. I didn't mean to make it a topic of discussion, considering that this IS a message board for grieving for our lost partners, and not my trials and tribulations with my family.

Although I must say, yet again, Thank you Mark, for leaving me to fight this all by myself. Normally, he would have been right there bty my side, encouraging me, supporting me, and giving me the mental strength and will to fight the good fight.

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- omg what a mess! I plant to homeschool my two, but it's still good to know about the Hatch Amendment! I will be thinking of you and your son.

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- this IS a place for us to talk about our problems. don't worry abot it and don't you dare apologize again! (((hugs)))

[lindat]

Darlene, So glad to hear from you and sorry you are having these challenges. Years ago when my kids were little, CPS showed up on my doorstep because a neighbor called them to report that one of my 4 had a sunburn. One of them hadn't kept his shirt on when we went to the park and he did get sunburnt, but CPS said I could lose all the kids for neglect. I have never been so terrified. I was working 3 jobs to take care of them and from that point on I was always worried they would come and take them from me. Thank goodness they are grown now, but I can totally empathize with your situation. I wish I could have been as assertive as you are, I would have felt more in control - but that was before the internet, and besides I was sure I didn't have any rights... Please don't apologize and thanks for sharing. Linda

[darleneandhunter]

Thanks Folks!

I am just glad I can come here and talk about ANYTHING!

I considered homeschooling Hunter, but the logistics of it all is overwhelming. Also, I had to take into consideration that he needs social interaction with other children, especially since his siblings are all grown and living on their own. proper socialization for every child is just as important as education. There are not alot of kids his age that live close enough that he can hop over their house to play. The one kid nearer to the house and his age is a spoiled little bully. He throws mad fits at the bus stop, and for some reason only known to him, he is jealous of Hunter. If Hunter gets a green backpack, he gets one within s few days. If Hunter gets a dragon shirt, he gets one, too. If Hunter happens to get in line ahead of him to get on the bus, he literally hops up and down, throwing a tantrum.

Public school is a way to let him get socialized, and I won't have the nightmare of paperwork to go through with the state. At this point in my life, I just can't see homeschooling working out for either of us. When Mark was alive, we talked often about the pros and cons of public school vs home school, and we both decided it would be better to put him in public schools. I feel that if I change it now, I would be dishonoring his father's wishes as well, but it is only a side note in the larger picture of it all. If I had to for my own sanity, I would, no matter what Mark and I agreed upon.

Some good news for a change...

I went to my doctor today. My cholesterol is considerably down, my AC1 is on it's way back down, and my blood pressure is doing nicely. I haven't lost any weight, but the diet changes I have made are definately working. I am not dieting for weightloss anyway. I tried those chicken wraps at McD's a few weeks back, and I decided to start making them at home. Hunter LOVES them! I cook up 6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts on my grill pan, and keep them in the fridge for a quick meal. I use shredded lettuce(THANK YOU, DOLE...lol), omitted the cheese, and use my own low fat ranch or italian dressing, and MAN! THESE THINGS ROCK! LOL!

I made stuffed peppers in my crock pot last week, and Hunter just gobbled them up! He is even asking when am I going to make them again! I used ground turkey instead of beef, long grain and wild rice, and low sodium tomato sauce. Just before serving, I topped them with some low fat shredded cheese, and YUM-O!

I did slip up a little this last week. I started reverting back to the canned foods, which I caught rather quickly. It was only the stress of having to deal with my family that did it. Unfortunately, every time I have to deal with death, I instinctively go for the comfort foods. As I am learning, I can go for the comfort foods with a few small changes to make them healthier for my heart. It's amazing what a little ground turkey can do to change the fat and cholesterol content of a meal! Honestly, chili made with ground turkey breast instead of beef is pretty dern good!

[darleneandhunter]

Oh!

I have also been paying attention here and there...lol

Naz -

In the first few months of it all, I was desperately trying to feel him, and I just couldn't. I would agonize about it every time someone here mentioned that they felt the immediate presence of their lost ones. Just like you, I don't have dreams with him. I saw a psychic. I hadn't done that in over 20 years. It was brobably around the time that he had been gone for three months or so. It was nice, and it felt good to know some things, but I still didn't get the comfort I was looking for. The little wind chime he placed on top of the TV tinkled here and there when everything was still, but that was about it.

I mentioned this in a post several pages back, but I will repeat it just for you.

A very intelligent beautiful older woman, who had lost her husband over 7 years ago told me a cute story. She was preparing for a medical procedure. Until he died, her husband was always there, holding her hand, reassuring her through all her medical issues. Since his death, his sister had started accompanying her. This one particular time had her very nervous, and in her mind, she was cursing her husband for not being there for her when she needed him. His sister was there, but it wasn't the same. The doctor wanted to do something, and she asked the sister if she could wait out side for just a minute. They had just given her a setative, so she had closed her eyes for just a second. She felt a hand slip into hers. Before she opened her eyes, she started to say, I thought I told you to wait out side, thinking it was her sister in law. Instead, as soon as she opened her eyes, the hand let go, and she could swear she saw a small whisp of smoke or fog dissappear. The Doctor heard her speaking and told her, Mrs. SoandSo, there's no one here....

After the procedure, she told his sister about it, but pretty much passed it off as the sedative making her mind play tricks on her. The sister was quick to pipe up and say, well, don't be so hard on him, after all, he's new at this! Meaning, it probably WAS him there...

She had gotten a good laugh and a good cry out of it, but the point of the story is, He has not been gone very long. My Mark has been gone for 14 months. I am not one to believe in being cxontacted by people who have died, but I believe now. It took him a while, but he figured out a way to let me know he was still watching us. This is MY experience with it, and I hope you can see it.

http://www.livevideo.com/video/5C3C529B731346D89FE3F70999FCD7B1/december-23.aspx

Bring tissues! lol!

Give it some time. Let the shock wear off. When you least expect it, you will get that sign and that presence, believe me.

[aprilmoonflower]

DArlene- I know folks that "Unschool". pretty radical,eh? lol. I don't worry about the socialization thing too much as the kids are so close in age (17 months apart) as they get older they will join activities,homeschool groups/co-op,etc. I have a real problem with public education, but nothing I will go into here. Anyhwo it's not for everyone! I am already getting lots of flack for it and my oldest is only 3! (we some planned preschool stuff but otherwise our lives are a free for all) btw your post made me HUNGRY! I'm glad your cholesterol is down! go you!!!! and that is so awesome your son is following your lead with the healthy food. I know how much comfort food is "comforting" geesh do I know! I have started making new things though. me and my 3yo both new comfort food is soup of any kind! (lentil is his fav though)we are vegetarian btw!

[justamom]

Darlene, Oh girl! Your video is great I LOVE that song and the GOO GOO DOLLS too. Your son is absolutley adorable. I never have dreams either and I have been trying to pay closer attention to the litle signs that he is still around us. I do get them when I need them. I am so happy that you are feeling good and that your health is getting better. Hang in there. Lisa

[mishknit]

hey darlene..

so good to hear from you, and i pity those folks who try and mess with you and hunter! LOL

So happy to hear you're health is getting better too....when you're away for a while, i worry.

Is that video the christmas tree one? i remember how amazing that one was.

anyway...peace to you all, have a busy couple of days (nothing exciting, just life!), but am always reading and keeping track.

michele

[naz496]

Oh my god you are not going to believe this I was wingeing only days ago that I dont dream about or feel Mals presence. Its been 15 weeks and 2 days .

Last night at 2.13am I was awaken by the titanic soundtrac being played on my CD player next to my bed. Its was Mals funeral CD, and I didnt turn it on I was alseep. with my daughter next to me. Next minute My 3yo is singing to titanic.

Anyone explain that one.

naz

[naz496]

holy c...p I have just come home from taking harrison 7 to baseball, and even though he missed half the basball season because of Mals death he has been selected to try out for the Under 10's Central coast Representative tean for our state. This is the first time he has ever played baseball. I am soooo proud. Mal would have been to. That 2 good things in one day maybe things are on the up and up.

Naz

[missyouhoney811]

Naz I am so happy your Mal is still with you even tho he passed. Believe in his spirit and continue to talk to him. I don't know if you read any of my postings in reference to my clock that plays just to keep me company. I truly believe it is John showing me that he is still here. My son came over last night for dinner with his girlfriend............the clock is scheduled to play from 9AM to 8PM every hour on the hour 12 times a day. My son left at 10:30 PM. The clock played at 9,10,11 and 12 midnight. My son gets such a wonderful look on his face when this happens. Call me goofy but I DO believe in spirits.

Dreams, I have many. At present time I have dreams of our entire life together. Its like watching a movie on a weekly series. My John healthy, my John in his wheelchair and my John very sick in the hospital. All my dreams do not make me smile and be happy some would be better off not remembering.

I believe your Mal is actually helping your son at baseball. He is still watching over both of you. God Bless and Take Care.

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I really wish we were all close enough to have coffee or drinks together. It sure would be nice to meet all of you. This site is like a life line.

I hope you all have the best day possible. God Bless, Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

NAz- that's awesome news! and so wierd about the radio! I know alot of us wonder if it's coicidence or not? at least I have many times little things happen like that. I do beleive they try to get our attention! I have had this happen nurmerous times.

Dorothy- I so wish we could all hang out together! I think we would all get along great!

[lindat]

Dorothy - in what part of the country do you live? I am in San Diego temporarily.

I think that even though we are different ages, with different problems - we would all get along great! This place is a lifeline for sure!

[rodless]

I, too, believe in signs. I have this big robin that is hanging around my front yard. Every time I back out of the driveway I see him watching me. I know it's the same one because of a mark on its breast. Since Rod and I had a thing about robins, I really believe it is a gesture saying "hey I'm still with you." I have a framed card hanging in my bedroom with a robin on it. The verse is "even when you can't see the bird singing, if you listen with your heart, you can still hear its song." I saw it when I was looking for a sympathy card one day. Kind of jumped off the rack into my hands. Next to it I have my favorite pic of Rod and underneath a jar of feathers I have found.

At one time we joked about having a Las Vegas meeting. Would be fun to meet and talk. Mary Jo