I Miss Him So...

[mariemikey]

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I have been really having a rough time. I have been continuing to be finalizing some of my husband's things and it takes a lot out of me. He would be proud of me though. Selling our house seems to be the thing that I need the most done. I know it will be emotional signing the paperwork but for some reason, I need that done so I can start to figure out what to do with my future. I won't be able to afford to go back to secretarial work and support myself so I was thinking about going back to school. I can't seem to make up my mind on that though.

I can't think of anything funny, but as for something positive, there has been nice weather here lately.

Mary Jo:

I'm sorry to hear you have shingles. how are you feeling today?

[sidvis]

I am sorry it is so difficult for everyone at this time. Here is a funny lyric I heard this morning on NPR...it was an old jazz tune and the words were "romance without finance is a nusicance." I thought that was cute. Also, here is a joke I heard...What is the difference between a PhD and a Large Pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four. That's all I got. Peace

[justamom]

Okay girls, here is the best that i can do in the funny department - So we all know that I have this new Great Dane Puppy, She is about 4 months old and quite large to be considered a puppy. So we were headed to the hockey game the other night and "Hockey boy" is instructed to lock her in her kennel. We go to the hockey game, and return a few hours later - as I open the door I have a "feeling" come over me that something is amiss. As I step into my living room there is paper all over the floor, "What is this?" I think. Cardboard? Cork? All kinds of debris - Funny? I think this was the book that I was reading! This looks like my $90 Berkinstocks! Trash! Candy?!?? What the H*ll? Where is the dog? "It can't be" says he, "I locked her in her kennel". Well, She has somehow managed to "Houdini" Her way out of the kennel and is sound asleep under the covers of my bed. Tired after "Turner and Hootching" her way through my house. I did let her live - the Berkinstocks were a tough blow, but I am still not speaking to her.

I am sorry for the Shiggles or Shingles Whichever you really have?! We are still struggling with illness as well. Strep, snot, bloody noses, My people are just gross. It is beautiful here today and I feel good. Ben Harper sings a song called "Better in the Sun" (I think that is the official title) and I must say that it really resonates with me. I feel like I am coming out of my winter shell. Augustana sings a song called "I think I'll go to Boston" that is really all about starting over where noone knows your name. "Needed to find some sunrises tired of the sunsets". I think it speaks to the feelings that we have all had and some are having now. Let me know if any of you know them or listen to them. Music makes me feel better. I hope you all can find a reason to smile today. Take care, Lisa

[rodless]

Thanks, Lisa. Having been a puppy owner I laughed and laughed. Mine is 5 yrs. old now and very responsible except if there's kleenex box in sight. You have to love them!! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

I'm a cat person myself, but I do have a dog story about my neighbor's Irish Setter...my cat was in the big front window, and all of a sudden I heard this tremendous "thud", like a really big bird hit the window. It was my neighbor's dog - it saw my cat and literally ran right into the window and bounced off! Never seen that happen before...

I did have one cat years ago that liked to run through the house and end up jumping in the bathtub. She did that one day, not realizing I'd filled the tub for a bath. Big splash, then this wet rag of a cat streaking out the back door. I don't think she ever jumped in the tub again!

I'm feeling a little better this afternoon. Went to a local thrift store and got a really nice armchair for the living room. This one store imports antique furniture from England and sells it at really reasonable prices. Then I went and looked at vespa scooters. I'd really like a motorcycle but I don't want to deal with all the DMV hassles of getting a motorcycle license, and I'm probably better off on something that can't go too fast anyway. I just feel like a need SOME sort of change...

Take care y'all,

Anna

[mishknit]

I love this bb!

sihigles just made me laugh..especially the interpretation! thanks, mary jo..tho i am so sorry you have to go thru that. and anna and lisa..all sick! I am so sorry.

I have nothing funy at the moment, but good news that my son got into one of the high schools he applied to and is on the ait list for the other...i sent the money today for the one he got into.."a bird in the had"..etc. I had therpay tday tho, and was a mess. I guess it was all the tension of waiting and then today actual;ly sending the check..i made this decision..a HUGE one, by myself, without tom. And it brought me to my knees today. AND..then I looked at the positive side of it, and am feeling pretty good. I made this decsion by MYSELF (well, my son had input, but, I did it without tom). I hate and love it at the same time...moving ahead baby steps, i gues.

I've only thought fleetingly about leaving here....i grew up here, my life is here. tom and i talked about leaving, but that was the two of us. Me and my son? no, not yet. I live here, and, bad rap L.A. gets...I love it. i imagine going somewhere else, and I'd still have to tell my story, but noone would care, because they didn't know tom..here, at least they did, and understand my pain.

I am starting new things tho..involved in a play reading and doing it at my house..yikes! But, it's positive and good, and the play is good and could go somewhere..perhaps i'll produce it? i'm not right for the part I'm playing, but good enough for the reading.

It's change we all want, and sometimes those changes are right under our noses, in our own lives...

we don't want the old, crappy, dead husband changes......new, positive changes are good and empowering.

I'm going to think of a funny story...and may be back.

peace and love to all,

Michele

[rodless]

My "shigles" are almost gone and don't hurt as much.. in my hairline. I forget and then run the brush through. ..ouch. And I took the last pill 18 hours ago and am feeling a little better. They were making me nauseous and tired and therefore cranky, all of which is amplified because my "sorry for you so let me cuddle and rub your back" partner is gone. It's tough to be sick when you're by yourself and too old to call your mommy, although she probably would come. Sleep well, my friends. mary jo

[lindat]

Mary Jo, I hope you will feel even better tomorrow. Being sick by yourself is miserable. I am living with my mom right now so luckily I don't have to call her, however she hovers and that drives me crazy

Two nights ago my stepdad collapsed and we called an ambulance. I have to tell you that I was really freaked out over everything, plus the deja vu factor. My mom was freaked out big time and I just couldn't help her. She rode with him to the hospital and I followed behind with my stepsister, sure that the worst would happen again. However, he was still alive and in the emergency room when we arrived and after 8 hours of extensive tests it was determined that he was dehydrated. He was released and wanted to go out to breakfast - the 3 of us women were exhausted from the stress of the nighter. Luckily he was released in the pajamas he wore in there and couldn't argue. He is doing very well now, especially for a 90 year old - but all of us had to face the fact that it won't always be so. I will be here for my mom, but I tell you that I will want to run far away instead. Watching someone you love in that much pain is almost harder than being the one in pain. I am certain that many of the friends that seemed to turn their backs just couldn't deal with it.

Michele - congrats to your son. The play sounds wonderful, best of luck with it. I also have had some positive changes in my life.

On March 3 I received an email from a guy that I dated 22 years ago, before I met Terry. We went to high school together 40+ years ago. He said that he just heard about Terry and asked if I would consider him as more than a friend. I replied that I always considered him a good friend, to which he said he was hoping to be more than that. I stared at that page and fired off a reply that I wasn't ready for anything like that and he asked that I just correspond with emails for now and hopefully we would become better friends and perhaps in time it would lead to more. I said it won't and he said please relax, everyone needs a friend. He lives in MI which is a long way from CA, so I finally agreed to emails. He now emails 2 or 3 times a day and I check my email at least 20 times a day Anna, you were right - it seems it is possible Whether this becomes more than friendship will remain to be seen, but it feels really good to have a friend right now. I am beginning to smile again and look forward to waking up.

Lisa, Hope your people will get better soon. The puppy sounds like a handfull. I have Augustana on my ipod and music is a big part of my life. Usher and Joss Stone are two of my favorites.

Wishing a better day tomorrow for us all.

Linda

[sidvis]

Lindat, that is so exciting! I mean about your old friend, of course. I am sorry about your stepdad. It is great you can be there for your mom. Back to your friend...I read in my local paper about a couple that was getting married. They had been high school sweethearts, but married others. Well, the groom was 90 and the bride was 91! They were both widowed after 68 years of marriage. So, there you go! Anything is possible! I think it is so cool that you have an email friend. What an upper! Thanks for sharing.....Peace.

[sidvis]

Michele, how wonderful for you and your son! I know exactly how you feel about really accomplishing something on your own. Kudos to you! Thank goodness for good days! May they out number the bad.....Peace.

[sidvis]

Mariemikey, It is good to see you back. Did you ever investigate about the horse riding? How is your cat?

[sidvis]

Mary Jo, I feel like I know you. I hope your are feeling better today. Do you have any siblings? What about your daughter? Does she live near by? I just felt the need to speak to you directly today. I don't mean to pry, but sometimes a kind word from a relative can give alot of comfort. Don't be shy in asking for it....Peace

[sidvis]

Anna, a scooter! How cool is that! You go girl! Get a really pretty color! And don't forget the helmet!............Peace

[sidvis]

I guess I thought I would take up the whole page today! Sorry!

[lindat]

Sidvis, Thank you for your response. I was at the store yesterday when I heard a very strange sound - then I realized it was me - laughing out loud. It has been a very long time, probably before Katrina, since I have felt joy. It is a welcome change. Linda

[rodless]

Sidvis, your note made me feel good this morning...thanks. I have 2 brothers, one of whom I am pretty tight with. He is single due to divorce and we have some good times. He lives about 6 hrs. aways. My daughter is 27 and my son 29. She lives 4 hrs away and my son is in the process of trying to locate back to Iowa from Florida. Says he misses the seasons and his family so we'll see if he can find the right church. My mom was widowed several years ago, is remarried, lives nearby and tends to hover (like Linda's) so I softpedal most things as she gets all stressed out. I have great family support.

Anna, on your scooter...go go!! I traded vehicles last fall and now have a Jeep with 4 wheel drive. It does just as well in mud as snow and I find it fun. In fact, I was out at the cemetery (roads are not cleared very well) with my daughter and said "I'll show you what this thing can do", started to take a corner and she yelled "Slow down, you're scaring me." I laughed and hooted over that. Obviously, she didn't remember the days when I was teaching her to drive! And that's my hew haw for the day.

Linda, I think the email friend is great. A good way to take it slow and easy. And there's just something different and reassuring about talking to a guy once in awhile.

I think the med I was taking was really dragging me down cause I feel much better today even though I'm going to a funeral in about an hour. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Just saw Lind'as post. If you really want a laugh go see the movie Wild Hogs. For those of old enough to remember Easy Rider, there's special treat. MJ

[naz496]

Sorry to hear the a few of you dont feel well. I know its cold over there. Its very hot here in australia at the moment although summer is coming to an end.

Sitting here reading your corospondence and crying. Will this feeling ever end

crying at the littliest things, and the isolation is unbearable. People call all the time,and I wish they would go away, but in the same instance I feel so horribly alone.

Gt a call from my husbands retirement fund today to say they would be paying within 14 days. I should be extatic as this will ease the burden of my morgage, but it may as well be 75 cents. I have no relief feelings or happy feelings. We were suppose to celebrate paying off our house together when we get old./ And now i get to goto the bank and bank the cheque. by myself.

I really dont give a ..... about bills or money. Money has absolutly no value to me.

I know it means that my 2 small children dont have to move, but at this stage 13 weeks and 3 days later I want to move away and never come back.

I dont ever want to be with anyone else but I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life either. At 34 its a long way to retirement.

I find myself looking at men as they walk past, something I have never done before.Looking if they are married, but the thought of anything like being with another person does nothing for me.

My son asked if he would get another dad.

He told me tonight that he wants myself and his sister to live seperatly to each other because we annoy him.

My reply was we all anoy each other some times but I still love you. Dont know if this was ok or not but its the only thing I can come up with.

I am severly lacking empathy or copmpassion for anyone else at the moment and when people tell me of thier problems I find myself thinking get a life Ill give you mine if u weant to winge. And this is not like me. I dont like the person that I am becoming. I have no patience with the kids or anyone else for that matter. Am fighting with a few people as I dont have the strength to deal with them.

I hate this

My 3yo daughter told me that she could fix daddy when he comes back.

the little 1yo boy next door calls me Mal (my husbands name) and whilst its nice I have a hard time hearing it.

My husband use to drive a red truck, and I find myself speeding up to see if its him in any red truck. My heart sinks everytime I see a red truck.

My heart is broken and I dont know how I will ever get out of this horrible place.I dont even want to

I have a flare up of pain in all my joints in my body, and its very uncomfortable.Dr gave me a quartazone injection into hip but that only one joint there are about 50 injection needed.

I dont drink but have drunk 3 bottles of champaine in the last 8 days. whilch is unheard of for me. I can understand how people could easily become adicted to things at this point in life.

I want him back and I want our lives back.

I would take the hard life we had back anyday instead of this one.

I am sick of people saying that u have your kids, I know i do and i love them so much but its not enough.

MY shirt is soaking wet so ill go and cry some more before I goto bed. Its 11pm over here or should I say down under.

Hope its ok to vent like this if im out of line let ,me know.

naz

[mariemikey]

Naz:

I wake up every morning witht he same thought that you described...a long way to retirement without our husbands. We too were planning on staying in our house when retired and now I am in the process of having to sell it.

When people tell me that I will build a life without him, I think, how easy that is for someone to say that didn't lose the love of their life.

I also find myself saying to myself all the time...I just want my life back...I want my husband back. It breaks my heart to think that I will never have his arms around me again, his comfort, his sense of humor, the feeling of safety and security, and the romance I had with him. Even though, my heart is broken, I would marry him all over again just to have had him in my life for the short time that we had together. I cherish every day we had together.

[justamom]

Naz, Oh Honey, you are so not out of line. Everything you are feeling is so just what you need to be feeling. I can relate to alot of what you are saying. I am a little further down the road than you. My husband died a little over a year ago. I am 36 now and my kids are a little older that yours (7 and 10 they were 6 and 9 when he died). My oldest son told me within the first few weeks "that life without a dad felt like nothing". It literally brought me to my knees. I had no idea what to do for them and all I wanted to do was have my life back. Steve drove a silver dodge ram that we called the "silver Bullet" you would not believe how many of those there are in 1 city. I looked in everone of them. There are also alot of men who look like my husband and still to this day when I see one I look twice. I too can not imagine the rest of my life alone or without Steve. It is such a hard thing to thing about. It is kind of a catch 22 you want your husband back! That is something that we can all relate to and feel. THe only thing that I can tell you is to take it easy on yourself, whatever you need to feel is okay. I do have a great therapist and it is great to be able to walk into her office, unload all of my yucky feelings and leave feeling lighter and stronger. It has really helped me alot. I don't think that you can do this alone. Do you have family? Friends? You have us and I would encourage you to read and post often. Please take care. We are all here for you. Peace today. Lisa

[mishknit]

Naz....

this is exactly the place that there is nothing inapproriate to say! Vent all you want, we'll listen quietly soemtimes, and soemtime respond.

My little prius was in a fender bender..and i'm in the unenviable position of having to drive around in tom's car...it kills me every time i do, and my son acan't wait until i get my car back..even tho i am saving tom's car for him. The good thing is now i don't look at every accord and see tom...even a little over a year later.

I'm closer to retirement than you, but who wants to retire alone? I've just started putting out the word to friends thaty I'm ready to "practice' a bit...i don't see myself getting married, but do see having a relationship. it's all good, and all will be better in time. Are there any grief groups you can get your kids into? Are you in therapy? My therapist really helps me...i don't know what i would do without my once a week sessions.

I wanted to write as little funny.....lat night i took my 14 year old to dinner, and as we sat at the restaurant, he kept staring out the window and commenting on the cute girls. He does this partly to tease me..i get him back by commenting on cute men (always WAY younger than me..lol!) But last night I took a chance with him about something i wanted to talk about . And me, his mom, not the dad that should be having this conversation...asked him if he'd like some sort of magazine, like a Victoria secret catalog or something..to "read"? Well...he stared at me, wondering what to say, I'm sure, but then raised his hand to give me a high-five and just said "mom, you are the best!"

When i got home i went online and ordered the catalog.

They grow up so fast!

have a good day all, and Naz...welcome to a place I'm sure you don't want to be, but we're glad you're here.

Michele

[justamom]

Oh Michele that is so great! I think you handled that wonderfully. I would have never thought of that. My boys are younger than yours but I do think about how I am going to handle all of that boy "Stuff" You are a great inspiration. Take care, Lisa

[samrtb]

i feel like just when things start to look up, they immediately spiral out of control again. im having a really tough time at work. on the one hand, im being praised for being the best merchant the company has seen (im in fashion merchandising) and then on the other it seems all they want to do is pick at perceived flaws and blame them on my being "distracted by personal circumstances", ie my boyfriends death. i feel very targeted and angry. i know there were several people there that were threatened by me, i was hired strictly to turn things around. and i understand the catty-ness that occurs when all women, especially young women, work together. but although im not perfect, i give my all to my job, i work overtime, paid and unpaid, i am completely dedicated to my position and have been told so many times. but now am being criticized for the little policy things that slip everyone's mind, and it is being blamed on my boyfriends death. its as if they're telling me im not qualified all of a sudden. and i am so angry that they would use that against me. i feel like none of them know what i am going through and i feel like i have just been blindsighted with all of this. i try so hard to keep it together and to keep going through all this, but im not in the state of mind to handle any extra drama. i miss him so much right now. he was the one i would turn to with anything and everything in my life. im sorry to complain like this on here but i really needed to vent for a bit. thanks.

[mishknit]

sam....

you're doing ok..one step in front of the other....and breathe.

You're going thru a lot, and certainly the extra drama doesn't help....i'll send good thoughts for rising above it.

and thanks lisa....that one broke the ice pretty good, so hoepfully we'll be able to get thru the next phases good! LOL....I have to laugh...it pisses me off that this is tom's job, but, what you gonna do? I feel empowered...i can handle an adolescent boys sexual thoughts! LOL!!!

hope you all are ok...

not much on here tonight.

Oh, and Linda...way to go......all good thoughts your way! You are brave and wonderful, and, who knows, right?

take care all,

michele

[lindat]

Oh Michele, I knew you would be positive I am brave and terrified!!! He called tonight and says that he is coming out in August to see me, oh crap. I have 80 pounds to lose and weights to lift - what the hell was I thinking??? It is going to be hard to whip this old body into shape, but I think I am up for it.

I had a rough day yesterday - alot of guilt, but then last night T's best friend called me and sensed the change in my voice and wanted to know what was going on. After I shared the news, he told me that Terry would be the first to be happy for me and that he is cheering in heaven. Time will tell, but for now the black hole is much smaller. Mich, I still want to get up there to see you - not sure when, but someday soon.

Sam, hang in there. You have a lot of responsibility and a big job in a tough business even without the tragedy so give yourself a break. I am sure that you are very talented or you wouldn't have gotten the job - a difficult job when everything else is perfect. If you were hired to turn things around, it is a given that there will be those that will try to keep things just as they were and of course, you are the target. Since you are still there, you must be very dedicated. You are a strong lady. Peace, Linda

[lindat]

Sidvis, My mom met my stepdad - the love of her life, when she was 65 and he was 75. They have now been together 15 years and still ridiculously, hopelessly in love. I remember thinking when they got together that it was silly to bother at their age, how much time could they have???? How wrong could I have been, it is never too late to find someone that cares about you and that you can care about, and there is never enough time even if you have 50 years. Take care, Linda

[logan12890]

its been a very long time since i have been on the message boards. i came here because 6 months ago i lost the love of my life to suicide..in the beginning it was really tough but i was still in shock and the past few months it would hit me here and there that he was dead and never coming back. Lately its hitting me more now then it ever did. i feel so alone and helpless. its hard to breathe at times and i just feel like giving up. My prom is coming up soon and he was supposed to be my date. people ask me all the time who am i going with and i tell them no one, and if i do i will go by myself. then as i was driving i was thinking how sad and upsetting it would be for me to show up to prom all by myself. all the things i was supposed to do with him are all gone. just like him. people ask me how i am doing and i just describe all the drama in my life. i can never really tell people how much pain i am in. i cant lie i do have thoughts of death and how i dont fear it anymore. i do wish i wasnt here anymore. i feel like i am stuck. the things i am feeling, there are no words to even describe it. i lay in bed and night and feel so alone and empty. how can my life go on when the one thing i lived for was him? i dont want to get over him, i dont want anyone. i no longer have dreams of him dying or killing himself. i am killing myself in my dreams, and in these dreams i am having he tells me not to. even though he tells me that i dont listen. i have so much anger and saddness to get out and i would love to do it here but i dont want to scare any of you. i feel no hope for myself.i would love to just scream my lungs out and cry. everyone around me is done with there grieving and i am not. when i do speak of him everyone tells me he is gone and i need to let go...when i am not even close to doing so

logan

[mishknit]

linda....

positive...wow, you knew that? that makes me feel good, because i don't always feel positive!

Ok..august...80lbs? no way sweetie! LOl.....so, what is reasonable? 20 or 30...maybe, if you work real hard.

weightwatchers is cheap and easy and quick...give it a go. Walking, the best exercise, and weights..target sells them cheap, 5 lbs to start, work to about 8lbs....not so much wobble in the arms.....curves is great..if you can pay, and i don't know if you can..but..if you can. And in all this time before august, you'll be coresponding, and he'll just be in ,ove with you because of you, and it won't matter, right????

you go, girl.you can do it!

Logan....I know how hard it is sweetie....you have lost your love, your first love. it's hard enough when your young and they just break up with you..this? this is horrible, horrible. Please hold on....please. Keep posting here, we'l all help you through as best we can. It's interesting, but even tho i'm a lot older than you, and have been through a few differnet "loves'....i feel like i have l,ost my only love too...the one that mattered, the reaL ONE. But I felt like that before, with others, inmy life. You are young, that doesn't mean for one second that you're love was any less....it just means you have more time to love again. I wish i did.....i hope i still do. life is long and wonderful and sad and hard...and being with someone helps. don't close yourself off....i'm not going to. And vent here anytimje. Others forget way before we can even imagine the pain easing..normaL.

hang in there,

michele

[Guest Guest]

Hi there i have just stumbled across this website while searching the net for some sort of comfort or advice to help me deal with my situation.My name is Emma,27 from Ireland and i lost the love of my life Freddy on February 9th this year.We were together for 2 1/2 years and i absolutely adored him.He died suddenly from a massive heart attack and i feel like i am stuck in a nightmare since that day. Everything has been horrible since he died.He was seperated with children so as you can imagine his ex wife has not been very helpful and even went so far as to make sure my name was not mentioned at the funeral despite the fact they were seperated 7 years.I have taken some comfort from all your stories and am hopeful now from reading them that i can get through this but know that it will take a lot of time.Well done to all of you!

Emma xx

[aprilmoonflower]

logan- I wondered what had happened to you. I'm so sorry you aren't doing so well. believe me, I (and everyoe else here) know how that goes! but you know what? it's totally NORMAL and don't let anyone tell you differently! I think you could share pretty much anything here. it won't scare us! hang in there.

Linda- how exciting for you!

Emma- I am so sorry. Ihope you will be able to find some peace here.

[logan12890]

aprilmoonflower, i just became very distant. even though everyone here has helped me, i just feel like there is no hope so i just gave up. i hate my life right now. i hate it here, my hell is here on earth. i know that everyone is trying to help with telling me i will find someone else, and i am glad that you believe so. but i just dont see it happening for me. he was my everyting for two years, known him for six. his child looks just like him reminds me so much of him..she even has his butt haha and i love it. The mother of his child just has no feeling about any of this. and i hate her with a passion. because the one thing she has is the one thing i wanted most, and what i will never get.i talk to his father and he tells me things that i just wish i knew before vics death. like how vic would sit with his father and say i love logan but i dont know why i had a kid with someone else. i had a pregancy scare three weeks before his death and i didnt want to tell him i thought i was pregnant because i didnt want to scare him. i look back and i wish i did, i wish i told him how much i loved him and how i wanted him to be in my future. and now he isnt, and i just walk around and i hate people i feel like i just want to beat the crap out of them. i want to break things and yell. i have thought of suicide but i just cant be selfish and leave everyone behind. i hate it here, i just dont want to be here anymore. i have my good days were i am just numb to everything and i have my really bad days where i just cant breathe or think that things will ever get better for me..

[armaiti]

Logan, don't be afraid to say whatever you need to here - I have pretty scary thoughts sometimes too. I believe I'll see my Ishaq again when I pass, but I also believe that I have to try and get through this life somehow...my mom committed suicide and I felt her spirit afterwards and she felt so panicked and I know that if I took that route I wouldn't be able to be with Ishaq again the way I believe I will because I'd have the karma of suicide to deal with. So I'm just doing the best I can, which means sometimes I cry and scream and get really angry.

I really needed a change, so today I went out and finally did it. I bought a Honda Metropolitan 50cc scooter. As I signed th paperwork I kept thinking, what am I doing, spending all this money? But I'm getting some money back from Ishaq's taxes so I went for it. And it feels good. I do have vision problems, but on a scooter I feel like I can see much better and it is going to give me the freedom to go out at night by myself, where before if I had to go I needed to get a ride (our bus system is fine during the day, but it's pretty sporadic at night, and doesn't even go into some areas). So now I have my scooter. And yes, I have a good helmet too. I plan to ride very safely, but it feels good to have something new, something fun.

I went out last night and saw a friend dance at the monthly belly dance show and that was fun too. I'm getting used to doing things alone without Ishaq, but that makes me really sad when I get home to my empty house. I know he is always with me...I haven't had a lot of dreams with him lately, but I had a dream a while back where I was talking to him on the phone and he said he couldn't be with me for a while, he had to go be with some other people. And since then several of his Sufi students have written that they have had these very profound dreams with him in them. So I think he's trying to take care of other people too, but he'll be back in my dreams eventually.

The weather here in Oregon is beautiful, hope those of you in the cold regions are finally getting out from under all that snow!

Love,

Anna

[mishknit]

what a night i've had..and the real test will be next sunday night.

prior to tom's death, we had talked about doing an every other month salon..sort of ike the old days, when people would get together and read a play, do some songs, play music, read their own poetry,.whatever. We have some very talented friends..and knew we could pull it off. So tonight, and last week, we had a reading of a new play, written by a friend of ours..next sunday we will rehears at 3 and do it, for friends at 7pm. I have been producing it, it's in my hoem, and i am also doing several parts (it's a radio play premise..all actors do several parts)

I love it! I hate it! I'm ambivelent about it....all because tom is not here!

i'm moving ahead with my life and he;s not here with me..it sucks!!

and yet....i'm being creative, i'm moving ahead, i'm doing something positive for myself.....and yet i feel guilty and sad and.....

oh my god......

this is all part and parcel of the grief process i guess....and i just have to go thru it.

i hate my life..and i'm beginning to be interested in my life again...WHAT?????

i am so confused and sad and happy and confused......

HUGE BIG FRIGGIN SIGH>>>

Michele

[lindat]

Very bittersweet, extremely mixed emotions, I was having a really bad night tonight, missing Terry and wondering what the heck am I doing when I came here and found your post Michele - I know exactly how you feel and it sucks. Thanks for the reminder that grief is not done with me yet and perhaps never will be. I think that whenever we find any happiness, we will also miss them the most. Finding peace makes me sad too - progress puts him farther away.

[mariemikey]

Logan:

Please hold on. We are all here to support you when you need us. Please keep posting. I lost my husband 4 months ago and I miss him terribly. I know I always will. I have tried not to push any support away, but support has been pulled from me. I guess it's hard for other's to understand what this is like.

You're going to get through this and you'l remember him every day. There will be bad days and good days, but even though this is a message board, we are all here when you need to talk.

Lindat:

I am sorry you were having a bad night. How are you doing now? Were you able to sleep at all?

[rodless]

I totally identify with the mixed emotions. I think sometimes besides missing our guys, we miss who we were when we were with them and we can't be that anymore. Does that make sense?

I want to go forward but I know to do so puts Rod in my past and I can't do that yet. BUT I know it will have to happen in order for me to live healthily for whatever years I have ahead. I don't think it matters whether we get in another relationship or marriage, we have to move on to the rest of our lives. Letting go is so hard to do when you want so much not to have to do it... but realistically what other choice is there?

Good for you , Michele to try something new. Courage to all of us!! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Michele - I soooo understand where you are...ever gig I play with the band, but without Ishaq is so hard...sometimes I just feel empty when I'm performing, but if I enjoy it then I feel awful afterward because I miss his presence so much...today I'm backing up some friends on Middle Eastern drums for a CD release party this afternoon, for a woman who's celebrating the 2 year remission of her daughter's cancer. She did a series of music for cancer patients. So I said I'd do it, even though often I'd rather just stay home and watch Northern Exposure on DVD...or ride the scooter, it makes me feel so much freer to have the wind in my face (if not in my hair, because I always wear a helmet...I know Ishaq would have a fit if I didn't! Probably kill the battery somehow from the other side so it wouldn't start...)

There's a way my some of my Indian friends refer to their partners - "half-side". Ishaq was my half-side, and when he died, it was like that half was ripped away. A lot of people just can't understand what we are going through, because they may never have had a half-side or true companion of their soul. I'm so grateful I can come here and find other people who really understand.

Michelle, I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts all through this week and especially next Sunday. I think Tom and Ishaq would want us out there doing art and music and plays to make people happy, even if it's hard for us. I'm learning to play more guitar on my own, and other instruments, and try to keep creating beauty in the world, even though it's really, really hard most of the time.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[lindat]

Marie, I got a couple of hours this morning and now I have to go to work, it will be a long day. I feel better but drained.

Anna, I know folks that have been together 40 or 50 years that have never had a soulmate or half-side relationship. What we had was very special, most people never know it.

One of my friends from high school was in an abusive marriage for 35 years, she finally got the courage to leave last year - we are still worried that he will kill her one day. She is 60 and she was accepted to law school last fall - she is the oldest and she wants it the most. When she graduates, she will become a womens advocate to help others that are in her position. We are never too old and nothing is impossible.

Michele, I hope you are feeling better today.

Mary Jo, You are so right, what choice is there??

By the way, I started walking 5 miles a day and it has really helped with my emotions, I think.

Peace to us all. Linda

[mariemikey]

I agree. Walking does help.

I am trying to make plans for my future. It is really hard to do. I know that Michael will always be with me, but there is something about moving forward that makes me sad. I guess it's because I always thought he would be moving forward through life with me.

Rodless:

I know exactly how you feel. I just never thought I would be without him. I haven't been sleeping very well lately either.

[mishknit]

It is so nice to be able to post here and know we are heard and understood.

It is hard moving ahead, becasue as we do we leqave pour loves behind. even though they will alwyas be with us...they are not here physiaclly, and we DO leave them in the past. It's a horrible thought, a very guilt producing thought, one that i can't wrap my head and heart around yet, but know that i am moving toward it. God..I hate this so much...I can see all of you do too. This is not the way it was supposed to be...but it is the way it is.

Armaiti.."half-side".a lovely thought and description of how i feel too...half of me is gone. And i do think that our loves look at us and want us to do what we love, but it is so bittersweet and sad. Last year at this time my son was starring as the cowardly lion in his middle school production of "the wiz of oz"..a hybrid of wizard of oz and the wiz...don't ask! LOL!! Anyway...tom had just died not even 2 months before, and here he had to do this..and tom was a huge musical guy, beautiful singer, acted and directed many musicals...he was so proud of our son, so excited that he was in the play./ Amd then he died, and our boy stuill had to do it....it was so hard for him, so very hard. this year he is doing tech...running the spotlight. He got up this morning and talked about the wonderful dream he had of tom last night...how he said he was ok, and liked where he was and was able to watch over us too, and send messages. My guy needed that dream last night....to get him thru today. I needed to hear it too...

they are always with us, even if just in our hearts Many of my friends said last night "how tom would have loved this!"...and it's true. So now i do what he can't, i guess. And so does my son.....we live on and move ahead and love him desperately and miss him totally and breathe.

and try and be grateful for the things we do have here, no matter how broken i feel without my half-side.

That scooter sounds fun....I may just have to try that myself!

hang in all,

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele- you are SO right on! I DO love my life. but Ihate it in a way too! (ie;without him) my kids really have filled the gap for me though. but then I am sad because he only knew them such a short time (they were only 17 months and 2 weeks old when he died and likely will never remmeber him.) it's so heartwrenching as that was a really deep fear of his..that something would happen to him and they wouldn't know him. so sad..sigh. In a way it helps they are so young as they don't have a clue what has gone on really. or what they have lost. My oldest (3yo) thinks "Daddy" is a picture. he has also started calling other males DAddy too as he is trying to figure it out in his own head. it's so sobering in a way but it helps me too in a wierd way.

logan- there is always hope! even if you don't feel or see it. things will get better. just take it a day at a time. I can only imagine how you might feel about going to your prom.. follow your heart on that one. and remember it's just a dance in the grand scheme of things.

[logan12890]

aprilmoonflower.

his daughter is the same way as your kids. she is only 2 and a half and she knows who daddy is by pictures and his voice but she doesnt know whats going on. i have moments with her where we will be going to sleep and she looks at me me and says boo feel my heart. and of course i feel it and she goes feel that? now listen so i put my ear up to her heart and she goes thats daddy. you hear him, and then she goes kiss daddy. and her sayin stuff like that makes me melt inside.the only time i am really happy is when i am with her because she is so much apart of him, and i love her with everything i got. and when you ask her where her daddy is she points to her heart and says right here.its the sweetest thing but does she know hes gone no. she still turns around and is like call daddy, i want to call daddy. i am just worrid about when she gets older cause i dont ever want her to think that he killed himself because of her.like she wasnt good enough. we all worry that,its so sad.

[bsnurse76]

Today has been a bad day. I almost feel like I did right after Darren died. My feelings today are from dealings with his sister (the personal representative of his estate). The estate is still in the process of officialling being opened, etc. Originally she wanted to come and get his truck and stuff that is at my house. I mentioned to her that his personal belongings belong to his children so why don't they come and get the stuff so it is not moved twice (She should not be trusted with taking the stuff because no one will ever see it again) I also told her I would like to deal with all his personal things in June when I am done with school and boards. Then I can openly deal with the emotions that come with packing his clothing, etc. She was agreeable to that. She still wanted to come get the truck which I was fine with but asked why did she want it now (she said because she had someone interested in buying it) when the court hasn't okayed the sale of the vehicle. So , I said fine come get the truck but please bring our trailor (it is titled in both of our names and has been at her house since shortly after his death) with you. She proceeds to say my brother paid for that trailor and I explained I know but my name is still on the title. I paid for his truck but have no legal rights to it because my name is not on the title, so it doesn't really matter who paid for it. She wants to buy the trailor and kept asking me how much did I want for it. So, eventually I said well if you don't want to bring me my trailor then your not coming to get the truck. She wanted to proceed to say how much she loved her brother and she had lived with him longer than me, loved him more than me, etc. I wanted to throw in her face that you loved your brother so much you sued him, and after that he had very little to do with you even up to the time of his death. He didn't come around you, or bring his children around you. I have come to see her true motives in being the personal representative of his estate. She wants to benefit in some way from her brother's belongings. I can see why he had very little to do with her. I just hate being in the middle of this but I want to see his children get what is rightfully theirs. She will eventually have to get the truck because it will have to be sold. I will deal with that when the time comes. It has been a bad day and situations like this make me wish he was here to help me deal with them. I just wish he could tell me what to do. I miss him and our life. It was so much easier 5 months ago. Sorry for rampling. I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Brandi

[naz496]

I feel for you bsnurse 76. I too am fighting my grandfathers estate going on 2 yrs now. you would thing seeing that my husband has just died and left us with nothing that they would leave us alone. Its a relitavley small estate so there is going to be nothing left.

April and logan.

My daughter had just turned 3 when my husnamd died. I worry so much that she wont remember him. She cries for him alot. evertime we pass a public phone or a play phone she calls and talks to him. She has a photo beside her bed which I find in her bed every night. This is so nice but I know her memories will fade and she wont remember. This makes he so sad.

II too had the greatest fear the my husband would die and leave me and the kids without a father. We even talked about it in therpy 2 weeks before he died. The counceror told him straigh. Do u get that your wife is concerned that u will die and leave your kids without a father and leave her without a husband , with no house or income.she said DO U GET THIS. He said he did, but it wouldnt happen. Mal use to joke with his family when they would tell him to slow down that he couldnt afford a funeral or the time off to goto to his . Well he was damn right. I couldnt afford his funeral, and now he has all trhe time in the wold to rest.

I struggle with th fact that for 12 yrs I told him most days that this bloody truckdriving jobs would kill him.And guess what it did.

Its 2 am here in australia and am having a really bad night.

I didnt know that the kids next door had been sick until yesterday. They have been thowing up. and the neighbour lets her kids play when they are sick. If only I had known. I have spent the last couple of hrs cleaning up vomit from my 3yo. She vomited all over me in my bed. I dealt with this and all the sheets pillow and even the 200pound mattress, by meself, and even with no tears, but as i went to clean the sheets by hand I notice that she had vomited on Mals last shirt that he wore. I have to wash it now and I think I am going to loose it. The f....king neighbour does she not know to keep the kids away when they are sick.

His shirt was the last thing I had that hadnt been washed. What the hell am i going to do now. I know its not the neighbours fault but I hate her for letting this happen. I even have to wash his pillow now as well. I know his smell is nearly gone but there was some comfort at night holding onto his shirt and pillow. The nights are hard enough without all this crap as well.. The neighbour had her mum over yesterday because she was sick helping with the kids. Is she going to help me with my kids when I get sick. (I think not).Does she not think.

Where have the last 14 weeks gone. someone asked me how long since I had surgery and I replied 9 mths. However its actually 12 mths next week. I didnt knowingly do this but I guess that last 3 mths is just a blur. I feel like it was yesterday that I was driving the freeway to get to him.I actually felt a little relief driving up there as I thought now he has had the heart attack and he will have to slow down and quit work. I even thouhgt how are we going to survive on the medical pension. Oh well I will just go back to work and Mal can look after the kids. Not thionking for one minute that he had died.

Sorry I waffle on so much.

Its nice to have found this site I read the posts most days. They make me cry but its also nice knowing I can bitch here and not be judged for it, or think that I am just winging.

naz

[missinmyhubby]

Naz...what a hard night. It is horrible to let the things go that belonged to them, and so hard. I can relate to everything you wrote below...one by one his items started to go away and it was so hard. I have locked away anything that I have left so as not to lose anything else. Three and a half years later, I still catch myself calling my 7 yr old daughter 3 1/2 when people ask me her age. I don't have a problem with the other kids ages, just hers. It use to happen every single time for at least 2 years, then I started to catch myself before saying it. I don't know why that happens, I wish I did, 'cause it's the damndest thing. Big (((HUGS)))

Angel

[logan12890]

naz, you gave me a really good laugh..your right your neighbor is crazy for letting her kids out while they were sick, and for also letting her kids play with your kid. i understand how you feel about your husbands shirt having to be washed. Vics mother (my boyfriend who past) she took his cloths out of his drawer and washed some of his cloths and i was so pissed off and i looked at her and was like why? they smelled like him and he wore them? they were his with his scent...i just dont understand it. i have one t-shirt its so worn out its starting to get holes in it and i have to stop wearing it or it will get so ruined i wont ever be able to wear it. i saw my sister wear his shirt one day and i dont think i ever got so upset before. i asked her to take it off and she wouldnt...two weeks before vic killed himself i had a feeling that he was going to die and i sat up one night crying cause i thought he was going to die from something, a car crash was what i was really expecting but not for him to kill himself. its werid how your body knows something isnt right.

with your daughter is the same with his daughter. over time her memory will fade and she wont remember who daddy is. i am thankful that i do have voice messages from him on my phone, and she does recognize his voice when she hears it. its so terrible when they loose their father at such a young age. specially cause she is a little girl and all little girls need their daddys.

logan

[aprilmoonflower]

I still have a load of DH diry laundry. I haven't looked at it in months, but I just can't bring myself to wash those items! crazy,eh?

I used to talk to my kids daily about DH & show them pics, but it got to the point where it was really starting to confuse them. kind of sad, but reality here. they are just too little to get it at this point. In a way it's better though as they will be spared the emotional grief, I suppose. yet I wonder how it affects them on a deeper level? They seem pretty well adjusted so far. My 3yo had lots of anger issues for awhile, but I think it was more because he was a late talker than anything as it was so hard for him to express himself and he would just meltdown. (normal terrible two's) He never has seemed sad that his Daddy isn't here. One thing he does do is, when he hear's a song DH used to sing him at night he cries and cries. it is really the only sign I've seen that he might miss him. so sad!

[naz496]

my daughter never had a tantrum until Mal died and boy am I paying for it now at 3. she like to listen to daddies favorite song which is by the sizzer sisters. Dont feel like dancing. I did try to have this at his funeral but I just couldnt work in a song like DONT FEEL LIKE DANCING. My 7yo is very angry. He is also struggling with the fact that he told his father to stay hime and not goto work and have a sleep and daddy didnt listen.

Goiing away for 2 nights and I dont want to go . My sister said I need to go for the kids but its all to much hassle. I have to get a train with the kids for 5.5hrs and that in itself does nothing for me. I agreed to go with her when I thought she was driving up ther but as she is already there i now have to get the train. Not happy. She doesnt understand that this is all just to much effort.

going to movies with a feriend today as I did a horrible thing and sent my 3yo to day care even though she vomited last night.She was running around fine this morning so I sent her anyway. I know this is bad but this is my only break for 5hr todays I ever get. Ands 5hrs a week doesnt come around for another whole 7 days.

what a bad mother I am, especially after cursing at the neighbour for doing the same this. You know what I dont care if they do it then so will I.

Hope the day is off to a better start, I have only had 1 hr sleep but if I stay home ill just cry all day,

naz

[mishknit]

oh naz...

i so get all the anger and the pain in the ass that any kind of effort is....i am so sorry.

and that neighbor...for god's sake, what an idiot! On the other hand..i don't think youn were wrong to send your daughter to day care.....see how back and forth we all go! You need the time and the rest. Call your sis and say no, is that possible? If not.....are there kiddie tranquilizers for the train ride (I"M JUST KIDDING>>>SHEESH!). We all do what we have to, but there's no saying we gotta do what we don't want to.

Hang in there naz...keep posting..and don't worry about letting the anger out here..this is a very safe and understanding place to do it. I have found, quite often, that after i've vented i've been clearer..more sure of myself for a little bit of time. I hope that happens for you.

peace,

michele

[darleneandhunter]

Just a quick note to everyone:

I lost my grams today (March19).

I have been struggling with disfunctional family issues. My mother was being a suppurlative that I am not allowed to express here.

Just a little numb about it all. She needed to go, it was her time, but while she could still speak friday), she told me she didn't want to go, she wanted to stay here with me. I tried to give her permission to go by telling her that God was waiting to take her home and stop the suffering, but she was adamant about staying here with me.

Even though my mother didn't call me to tell me she died, I already knew it. When I left her last night, she was asleep ans struggling to breathe, but I knew she could hear me. My daughter and I were looking through photo albums at her bedside, and I knew she was listening to us telling funny stories about her to each other. When we got ready to leave, I kissed her on the forehead and told her to stop being stubborn. Her family was calling her, wanting her to go to them, and God wanted to take her home. For a split second she opened her eyes. I know she heard me.

Just as I fell asleep, I heard her talk to me. I knew she was ready, but was still upset about having to leave me. I had to show up at the home to find out she had already died, but I knew it before anyone. When I woke up, I had this peaceful calm feeling. There was no need to rush around to hurry and get there, she had passed on during the wee hours of the morning.

Because of the horrid HORRID family issues, some of the residents offered to be another granny to me. They all felt horrible that they couldn't contact me. I still have to keep going to the home, since my 78 year old aunt, the one who makes the angel pins, is ALSO there...geesh...it never ends...

I probably won't be allowed to gto to the services my mother planned, but it's okay with me. I am finally free of them, and my granny is finally in a better place. I wasn't with her for her last breath, but through my tears I could walk away with a smile, knowing my granny fooled all of them.

That's what I've been dealing with for the last few weeks folks.

I am sad, no doubt, but I am not devastated. She lived a very long, full, happy life. She had her 93rd birthday on dec. 6th. She was as active as someone can be in a wheelchair until she fell sick with pnumonia and a bladder infection a month ago. It was too much for her frail body to pull out of. She will be missed, but I she was well loved by all.

Funny. Friday I told her my Mark was waiting to talk to her, and she laughed at me. We both cries and laughed together. It was good. I hope her and Mark are having a good laugh at my mother...lol.