I Miss Him So...

[rondalou]

I put a reply on this forum a few weeks ago I actually have'nt been back on since and I dont even know if I did it right, all I know is that my days are not getting better for me I mean I have my 2 children, thank god (literally) because w/out them I dont know what I would have done back in October. To those who did not see my post or maybe it did not even go thru, I lost the love of my life my soulmate on October 13, 2006 and I just cant seem to get that day out of my head, I dont think I ever will I mean I know I won't and everyone says it gets easier w/time and I guess it does but I dont know if I want it to Im afraid if it gets easier then it will seem as though I have forgotten him or that I dont think of him anymore. I miss him so much I can't stand it, I would give anything to have him back. I know how that sounds crazy, right I know I can't have him back, but I want him back. I want to smile again, and be happy, and I dont know if thats possible, w/out him. October 13th of 2006 Ronnie (my boyfriend) was murdered right before my eyes, and then died in my arms. I have gone to the "share your story" page but it always says its not working, so I didnt know where else I should go, I do feel a bit better after I get things off my chest, although that is not often, I have somewhat of a sticky living situation as far as being able to grieve the loss of Ronnie, I havent had very much of a grieving process at all I guess you could say, I think about him everyday, and when I get up in the morning I just go through the motions to get the day over with, dont get me wrong, I am completely there for my kids they're wonderful, I'm grateful to them to be honest because on that day in October, I definitely could have gone in a different direction if not for them. Nothing I do or say makes me feel any better. Nothing!!! I mean I have had people in my life die but not someone so close to me, I want my life back. Imglad I was able to finally get rhis out, thanks, who know right? I must go now but will return, I have read so many of the postings and they have helped me, I will continue to read and post Im glad I was told about this site.

[rodless]

I think the holes in our hearts grow smaller because they fill up with scar tissue that gradually gets thicker and thicker as we pick the scabs off. Kind of a yucky analogy, I guess. I agree with those who say it gets better or maybe we learn to handle it better but I don't think the pain ever goes completely away. I know I'm better at 8 months than I was at 3 or 4.... thank God! Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Mary Jo- your analogy is perfect and so very much true!

rondalou- I am so sorry about your Ronnie. how awful. I can relate to much of what you wrote though..wishing for your life back and just that big enormous hole. it will get easier. it will also get harder too. you have already made it through the worst of it though! (always remember that!)

anyway, keep coming back and posting here! this site is quirky sometimes and posts get lost or timed out but you will find alot of support here!

[samrtb]

rondalou - i am so sorry for your loss. i lost the love of my life about a week after you, october 25th 2006 in a car accident. everything you're feeling is completely normal. sometimes i sit up and wonder how my life got to this point. i look at pictures from a couple years ago and wish i could just have my old life back. but in the end im grateful for the time i had with him, and even though this grief could eat me alive, i wouldn't trade a second of the time we spent together. im glad you have your children. you will get through this. hold on to what you have that is good and your life and just run with it. and the days will gradually get easier. this is at least what im told, but at the same time, it has already helped me as well. my therapist says i (and you) are at the point where the shock of it all wears off and reality of them being gone start to set in. and that is one of the hardest parts. but again, think of all you have to love and be grateful for and lean on that to get you through even the worst of times. best of luck.....just hang in there.

[missinmyhubby]

Hey all,

Sorry i was gone for so long. I was down with Bronchitis that whooped my butt. Even though I couldn't fly, I was still going to work...can't afford not to. They had me doing other duties instead of my flights. I have still been coming on and reading the posts everyday though. As for one of the latest....It does get better over time. Whether it is the scar tissue analogy that Mary Jo used (which I like by the way), or just learning to deal with it better....it does get easier. You all know that I am much further along than most on here, and that I still have my down days that sneak up on me from out of nowhere, but they are definetly not as often. I don't know exactly when or where or how it came to be, I just got tired of being down all the time. I knew I didn't want to move forward because moving forward meant leaving him behind...at least that is what my mind and heart thought then. So, I didn't for the longest time. I kept myself there in my grief with him. Somewhere though it hit me that this being sad ALL the time was taking too much out of me and away from my kids. I started doing things to make myself feel better. Then, I would really crash hard because the guilt of feeling happy was so intense. Finally, I think I just got tired of my mind messing with me all the time. I knew he would not want me to be like this, and that is a big part of what helped me to keep trying to have better days. April is right when she says it gets better, but it gets worse too. However, it doest get better far more then it is worse as time goes on. I know for a lot of you, that is hard to hear right now, but it is reality. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. To the newcomers, please keep coming back, it does help to be here!!!

Big big (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Angel

[kellysgal]

I understand each and everyone of you. It is so hard sometimes, but it is nice on here knowing that other people know how you feel and what you are going through. Do you ever feel like you should move on, I mean fall in love again. I feel that way sometimes, but then you get to thinking, nobody would measure up or be able to fill the void. But you can't expect a person to fill a void that your soulmate had left. I know what you mean when you talk about guilt. He had mentioned to me that his leg was swollen. I have a sister that is a nurse, I could have got her and given the symptoms to her and she most likely would have known what was happening with over 20 years of nursing. But I feel like blaming yourself is the devil trying to tear you down and make you feel guilty. I love to read the Bible, it helps me so much to read verses on grief, and comfort. I am here for anyone who needs to talk just like you are for me. I thank God for all of you.

God Bless you all are in my prayers.

[justamom]

Hi girls, I just wanted to put it out there that I just finished reading a book called "90 minutes in heaven". It is the true account of a man named Don Piper who was killed in a car accident and came back after 90 minutes. It is written by his hand and are his words. I have really been struggling with my faith and I have been trying desperatly to ground myself. (My thearpist tells me that it is perfectly normal that I am "Broken and fragmented" but I am certainly tired of it.) I would never try to tell anyone what to do but this man is very spiritual and his book has helped me some. I am not sure how yet because I am still thinking it all over in my head. I just thought that I would offer it up. If anyone else has read it I would love to hear your thoughts. Take care, Lisa

[rodless]

Lisa, I read the book. I have read the first part about his time in heaven several times. I believe that's the way it will be and that has been reinforced by other things I've read by many authors of many different beliefs. I think heaven is open to many faiths and we need to allow everyone their own belief system. If they don't have one, that's okay, too. it's a personal choice and committment.

I don't think it's unusual for faith to be shaken by what we've been through. For some it becomes stronger, for others something to doubt. I find the conventional things like the Bible aren't working for me right now, but other writings are. Church is neutral but gospel music does a lot for me. Does all this make sense?

Anyone else?? Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Hi everyone...I actually recommend Deepak Chopra's Life After Death because it also addresses how each person's faith may determine what they will experience after they cross over. A few months after Ishaq passed,I spoke to a friend, a Lakota medicine man, who really affirmed my beliefs - for me, and how I will experience Ishaq and the afterlife. I think we each will experience what is appropriate for each one of us, but I don't think we all end up in the same sort of place. This is just my personal belief, but it gives me a lot of comfort. Since my faith encompasses Goddess and Native tradition along with my Sufi beliefs, this makes sense to me. I glanced at the excerpts of the 90 Minutes of Heaven book on Amazon, and it makes sense to me that since he was a Christian, he would experience his afterlife as a Christian heaven. But since I don't follow that faith tradition, though I honor and respect all faith traditions, I don't believe that is what it will be like for me.

On a separate note, I'm down with stomach cramps with some sort of flu bug, yuck. At least my house feels cleaner because the kitten goes outside now and I got rid of the catbox on the weekend!! Hooray.

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

I also started to read the 90 minutes in heaven book, but i have always had the belief that heaven is how we see it, depending on what we believe. Mr. Piper is a strong, evengelical christian, and i honor his beliefs and totally see how that would be the way he experiences heaven. For me, I have different thoughts about it.

The bottom line is, thought, we have to get thru this in any way that we can. My faith has been shaken too...I am moving back into faith..it's different than before, interesting, and quite a journey. I am excited about the ways that i am changing...not, of course, the reason I am changing, which is the loss of my beloved Tom, but...I am changing, I'm diffrent, and it's .....good, I think. It's reasonable, it's what it is.

For Tom..if he's sitting in heaven, it better have good scotch and even better cigars. And lots of jokes and plenty of places that he can sing all the showtunes he knows . That's what I picture for him.....it comforts me, and that's what we, left behind, need. Comfort.

Michele

[mishknit]

I also started to read the 90 minutes in heaven book, but i have always had the belief that heaven is how we see it, depending on what we believe. Mr. Piper is a strong, evengelical christian, and i honor his beliefs and totally see how that would be the way he experiences heaven. For me, I have different thoughts about it.

The bottom line is, thought, we have to get thru this in any way that we can. My faith has been shaken too...I am moving back into faith..it's different than before, interesting, and quite a journey. I am excited about the ways that i am changing...not, of course, the reason I am changing, which is the loss of my beloved Tom, but...I am changing, I'm diffrent, and it's .....good, I think. It's reasonable, it's what it is.

For Tom..if he's sitting in heaven, it better have good scotch and even better cigars. And lots of jokes and plenty of places that he can sing all the showtunes he knows . That's what I picture for him.....it comforts me, and that's what we, left behind, need. Comfort.

Michele

[mishknit]

I also started to read the 90 minutes in heaven book, but i have always had the belief that heaven is how we see it, depending on what we believe. Mr. Piper is a strong, evengelical christian, and i honor his beliefs and totally see how that would be the way he experiences heaven. For me, I have different thoughts about it.

The bottom line is, thought, we have to get thru this in any way that we can. My faith has been shaken too...I am moving back into faith..it's different than before, interesting, and quite a journey. I am excited about the ways that i am changing...not, of course, the reason I am changing, which is the loss of my beloved Tom, but...I am changing, I'm diffrent, and it's .....good, I think. It's reasonable, it's what it is.

For Tom..if he's sitting in heaven, it better have good scotch and even better cigars. And lots of jokes and plenty of places that he can sing all the showtunes he knows . That's what I picture for him.....it comforts me, and that's what we, left behind, need. Comfort.

Michele

[naz496]

Hi everyone I live in australia so i hope its ok to join your site

My husband tragically died on 11th december 2006. He just droped dead at work. He was a truck driver and worked very long hours. In the days before his death he actually quit his job as the boss was being unreasonable and making him work 20-27 hr shifts. He quit and dropped dead 5 dyas later from massive heart disease.This boss is responoble for actually putting his body under so much strain that he died however My beauitiful husband had heart diesese and how could no doctors pick it up. He had been to the doctors about 10 times in the previos months and been diagnoised with arthritis. We spoke to the GP 6mths before he died because Mals heart rate was very low at 50 and he was tired and the cardiac specialist said that he didnt need to see him that was fine there was also a family history of heart disease and heart attacks and still the specialst didnt want to see him. How can this happen. Symptoms and family history and under a cardiac specialist and he die 2 days after his 37th birthday.

Thankgod for my 2 little children who are 3 and 6. They are the only reason that I get up in the morning.

Our life has turned into a l;iving hell. The superanuation companies will take 6 mths to pay out, and the banks want money for the morgage, and we had no insurance. How does this happen. How do u go from 65000.00PA income to nothing, overnight.

Having a very bad day today I have cried alot. Dont cry much because it makes the kids sad but have shed alot of tears the last 8 days. was my birthday yesterday, and I just wanted to ignore it, but obviosly couldnt because of the kids.

use to go out every day, now I dont really want to go out at all. I am finding people have gone on with thier lives, and expect us to as well, however the past 12 weks and 1 day, I have not moved foward at all.Its as if time stands still, It feels like I have just come home from the hospital saying goodbuy.

I cant even look at his photo's as it causes me to much pain and I think if I dont acknowledge it that It wont be as painful. I know that I am kidding ,myself.

I know he is dead, but I think he will eventually come home. ( i know he wont.)

I dont want to acknowledge the pain , as I have to keep going for the kids and most days let me tell you that I dont want to keep going.

I would tell him every day that this bloody job was going to kill him , he joked about it with his father and said that he couldnt take time out for or afford a funeral, and guess what we couldnt.

I have to live with the fact that I told him over and over and over again that it would kill him and he didnt listen. I really thought it would give him, a heart attack, and then he would have to wake up and change, not for one minute actually dying. Even on the way to the hospital I felt a little relief as i thought its finally happened now he has to slow da=own and listen Not for one minut thinking that he was dead.

I am finding more and more that I dont want to talk to people as they make my life harder that it already is, my friends want more from me than I can give, and things that I have said to a couple of people have pissed them off, and they are cranky with me. I know I should care but I dont. Let them do what ever they want I dont care anymore.

Does this feeling ever go away, of not caring. #everything is tooo hard, and I seriously dont care about things that I problery should. When does the hurt stopp. when do u get your brain back. I cant ever cook these days without burning things. I wash the cloths a few times over as I forget to hang them out. even forget to feed the kids occasionally.

Does anyine have any answers.

Naz

[missyouhoney811]

Naz - I am very sorry for your loss. What you are going through is NORMAL as sad as it is. Sunday will be 11 months since my husband died. My feelings of loss for him are still the same. Talk to him throughout the day. I kiss his pictures. I actually had pictures enlarged so I could frame them and put them around the house. Looking at him gives me a good feeling and sometimes happiness in my heart. It makes me remember how things were and I am thankful that we were able to meet each other almost 37 years ago. But it does not take away the pain that I feel daily and I have no idea how long a person grieves. I do know everyone is different. Some can go on with their life while others are stuck in this deep hole that they can't get out of. You will be in my prayers. The main thing we all need here is strength to go on. Reasons to go on. God Bless you.

We were planning a trip to Australia this year. One of the many places he wanted to go.

Dorothy

[mishknit]

Naz...

i am so sorry for your loss.

I don't have any great words to answer your questions..none of us do. we all travel this path differently.

But, I can say with assurednes, that what you are feeling is completely normal...all the lack of purpoose, the grief, the forgetfullness, the hard time dealing with others and their demands on you....absolutely normal. I know you just joined...read over old posts, you will see so many with your same thoughts. And you will aslo see many who have come very far on this bb....it does get better. As we adjust to our new lives, it gets better. Hard to believe, and notice that i didn't say all is well..but, in small increments, we get better, we begin to move ahead. This is a journey and a job...my therapist always says "that's why they call it grief work"..it is work, the hardest we'll ever do. But you have your kids to be there for, just as i have my son, just as others have grown family, grandkids, friends and other loved ones.

Hang in there and keep posting.

You may not always get answers, but you will be supported.

michele

[sidvis]

naz496, My heart goes out to you and your children. You are very brave to post and also very smart. This is a good place to grieve. Everyone who posts here shares your pain and sadness. My children are what kept me going in the beginning and still keep me going now at the 17 month mark. My kids are teenagers so they will be leaving me sooner than later. You have a long way to go with yours. Just give yourself the time to feel bad and don't feel guilty about it. No one can tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. You can always post here and you will be accepted and comforted. Peace to you.

[rodless]

Naz, I too am sorry for your loss and hope we can be of some help to you here. We know what you are going through, and yes, it is normal. As far as when it ends, that depends on the individual person. We'll be here. We discuss lots of things and it is comforting to know others care.

Michele & Anna, I didn't state very well my reaction to the 90 minutes book. The part I read over & over was how he was welcomed by people he knew. I have also read the Chopra book as well as many others and am quite familiar with the Native American beliefs. I, too, think heaven is individualized and not the same for all faiths. I can't imagine my heaven without Rod...he's up there flying rc airplanes without crashing and drinking mountain dew without sugar overload. In fact, before he died I told him to have the cabin ready when I got there and to make sure it had a creek going by it. Guess none of us will really know anything until it happens to us.

Anybody ever read The Lovely Bones? It's a novel but really made me think. MJ

[armaiti]

Naz, I too am so sorry for your loss. I remember those first few weeks, how I couldn't complete anything, I'd space out in the middle of cooking or doing the dishes and I'd be somewhere else and not sure how I got there. Our bodies are in shock, it's like a piece of us has been physically ripped away, which it has, in a way. I'm just over my seven month mark, and some things are easier, but it is also harder at times too. My spiritual teacher told me not to make any significant changes for one full walk around the sun. One whole year. If some people you know aren't supportive, or tell you to do things that don't feel right for you, then follow your own guidance. Each one of us has to do this in our own way.

Keep coming back and posting here, it really helps. I may not post every day, but I check the board pretty much every day. I feel that the women here truly understand what I'm going through.

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[susanbruce]

Naz - please know that you are not alone in your pain. You have all of us - we have all of us. Your mind and your body are in shock now. Just do the best you can to take care of your kids and yourself, don't be afraid to ask true friends for help. When you feel ready and you'll know when that is, look for someone to talk to.

My situation is a somewhat like yours. My husband has been gone for nearly 11 months. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack. He had no history of problems, just high blood pressure that was being treated with medication. Bruce died at work on a Friday afternoon, just before 4 PM, after a very stressfull day.

What got me thru the first several weeks was I felt like I had to go on for him, he wouldn't want me to give up, I did everything I could that I knew he would be pleased with. Talk to him, believe me it helps. Cry your heart out, that helps too.

Just don't fight the grief. Let it happen. Remember to come back here and let us know how you're doing.

Susan

[mishknit]

Mary Jo...

i read that book..it really made me think too. Tom and I discussed it, and we had fun laughing about our heavens. remembering that book has given me some peace...for the heaven part, and also peace about him being around me. Really, who does know, and how can we until we go. The beauty of this life is partly in all the different faiths and their ways of looking at it, but there is also so much ugliness in those faiths too...i guess i'm feeling a bit too philosophical tonite..sorry! LOL! I also liked the part when he had family and friends come meet him (the 90 minute book)...hope that's true.

Nice to see you susanbruce....how are you? Coming up to your year....hope you're doing ok.

Naz....like others said, just keep coming back and checking in here with us. We all care.

Michele

[missyouhoney811]

My correction - Sunday will be 7 months - not 11. I must have been thinking of his death 8/11. My brain is far from functioning.

I have been very evil the past few days. Would you believe I am taking it out on the dog.

This is another stage I am going through - Nasty and Mean - No control over it.

Hope it passes. Not liking myself these days.

Dorothy

[rodless]

Dorothy, don't be so hard on yourself. Anger is part of the process and we all hit it at different times. Get in your car and sit and scream (a pillow works too, muffles the sound) I've done that more than once...really helps to get the yucky mad feelings out. And I know from experince, no matter how much you yell at the dog, they forgive easily. Give her/him a hug and have a big cry. It's a tension buster. This stage will pass if you deal with it upfront. you can "yell" on here, too. We all understand. Thinking of you. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I agree with Mary Jo. I went through a real bad time when Sita, my eighteen year old cat got a bladder infection and starting peeing inside on my Persian rugs, right in front of me! I got so angry with her and I was worried if she didn't stop I'd just go crazy. I even threw her outside and made her live outside for a week or so in the cold because I just couldn't handle it. (I did make her a bed in a protected place, but the point is, I just got to the where I was almost HATING this cat!) And I still feel guilty for screaming at her and constantly throwing her outside, so that she started to cringe whenever I raised my voice. Just give your dog some extra pats and attention, I did that with Sita, and we seem to be back to normal, with her sleeping inside on the couch and going out the cat door to pee in the backyard. There's all sorts of things that can push us over the edge when we are grieving, for sure. Try to forgive yourself, keep breathing, and know we are all here for you!

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

dorothy.....

i can sympathize. We have a dog, a sweet thing, but i'm not a dog person. she was so attached to tom, and, while i'm not mean to her...i don't always give her the attention she needs. My son does pretty well, but he's 14....so sally loves me. follows me around, looking with those big eyes, oh, the guilt!!!!

I have to admit tho, that she is growing on me a lot..that kind of devotion is hard to beat. but i do yell at her, tell her to go away....and i feel crappy about it. those are usually moments when i am in the midst of either doing some work that i shouldn't be doing because tom did it, or when i'm dealing with my son as best i can and wishing tom was here to help.

we're grieving..i try and cut myself some slack. then i take her to the dog park and all's well.

i guess it's better to be angry with the dog than my son......right?

peace all,

michele

[sidvis]

mishnit-michele--I have a son who is 13. He was twelve when his dad died. He has not gone to any grief groups or anything. He appears to be okay, he speaks of his dad and doesn't mind talking about him. My older son is 17, 16 at the death. He has been to a grief support group for teens. We went together. At the time, my 13 year old refused to go and I did not make him. Maybe some day he will want to. I left it up to him. Has your son had any counseling or anything? If he did, did it seem to help him? I am always trying to read by sons mind. At this age he just grunts alot when I ask him questions.

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone:

Haven't been posting in awhile but read...not enough energy to post. I know you all understand that. You are all in my daily thoughts and prayers.

Please keep me in your prayers this coming week as I need strength to get through it, especially Tuesday.

[missyouhoney811]

Thanks for your help.

I had Sherman groomed yesterday. I go to Petsmart - the girls are simply great. They know that John died so when I drop Sherman off they tell me to take as much time as I need to run around. They like Sherman - he is a good boy - he never barks unless there is a real reason. When I went to pick him up I had a coupon for a free birthday toy. By the end of the day Sherman was a very happy dog. I must admit I kicked my dog three times this week. Do you think I am turning into a monster? If he didn't love me so much he could easily kill me.

I have my ticket for Naples, Florida. I leave on Wednesday. I hope this is a good thing. I know I will enjoy being with my sister and brother-in-law. They are good people. While in flight I'll be closer to heaven and my John will make my flight safe for me.

Sherman will be going to the kennel where he was born. As a matter of fact his father is still alive but his mother died last year. This will be the first time that he will spend time at the kennel. John's caregivers would take care of Sherman whenever we went somewhere but I stopped that connection. It was just to hard to see them without him. God do I miss him.

My son will meet me later at the bank. I have a lock box at the bank with nothing in it. I want my son to sign on so I can put all the important papers in it. If anything would ever happen to me he would know exactly where everything is. As we all know the paper work is hell if you have to search for things.

It would be so nice if we lived closer. To go out and actually talk with people that know exactly what is going on in your life would be a miracle.

On 3/24/06 that was the beginning of our hell at the hospital. I can remember everything. Would be nice if I had a button to turn the brain off. Just for awhile. Tomorrow 3/11/07 will be 7 months for John's passing. The hurt is still there. I love him so.

God Bless and Take Care.

Dorothy

[rodless]

Dorothy, I don't think you're terrible but maybe you could kick the couch? I know that mad feeling just has to come out in a physical way to relieve it. I am a ripper and my stock of old towels has been very helpful...especially the thicker ones. I rip up junk mail and newspapers and old magazines. Somehow satisfies that "I'm so mad and I don't know what to do" urge. Walking and swimming don't always do it for me. Have a good time in Florida. My son lives in Spring Hill and my brother in Punta Gorda. I have been thinking a warm climate right now would be a stress buster. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

sidvis...

yes, i took him to a grief group..he went for a while then didn't like it. then he started therapy, and he really doesn't like that either. we are going together to his therapist next wednesday...and we'll see where we stand. he's depressed as hell. And i am lucky..he is very open with me, tells me what's going on, even tho i'm sure there is a lot he doesn't tell me, but he 's 14, so...

he had mentioned to me that he wanted to go on "pills" (i know he was referring to anti-depressants).to make it all better. he understood that he would then not have to go to therapy, and he'd feel so much better..lol. I explained about psychiatrists and weekly mandatory therapy and drug adjustments...the main reasons i never went on anything to help my depression. it is hard for him tho, and i get it. It is hard to move ahead. we talked about the guilt we feel when we do things without tom, when we have birthdays, whatever. We talked about the hollowness of accomplishments without him to share in them, we talked about the fact that he'll be graduating from middle school without his dad. we talked about how people say it's better after a year, and how that doesn't help and isn't necessarily true.

Hopefuly things will get better...for both of us....

and for all of us here.

[sidvis]

Thank you, michele for sharing. Peace.

[samrtb]

you're not a monster. emotions are very powerful things, and in my opinion, grief is the most powerful of them all. there are times since my boyfriend died that i step out of myself and am apalled at the way i am acting. im angry all the time, i lash out at people, ive become rude and snippy and most of the time i dont even mean it. im not tryig to say its ok to be that way, but it doensnt make you a monster. the best thing you can do is to cut yourself some slack, you're doing the best you can with what you have. and thats really all any of us can do in the situations we're in....

[armaiti]

Hi everyone...

Here I am in Newport, Oregon, at a cottage by the ocean. It is stormy and windy outside. We just got back, me and the married couple who are the mainstay of our band, Americanistan, from a gig in Toledo. It was fun, but I have to admit even while I sang and played I often felt like I was just going through the motions. I put my all into singing, and people loved our show, loved the belly dancers, but all I kept thinking about was how Ishaq should have been here too, how he would have loved this, how beautiful his guitar would have sounded, and how he would have been his relaxed comfortable self talking to people afterwards, where I was hoping I could finish schmoozing asap, get fed and get out of there. I miss him so much, but taking these trips without him is so very very hard. We often would make a weekend out of these out of town gigs, staying somewhere for an extra day and exploring the coast and the restaurants and all. No more. And while I dearly love the two people I'm traveling with, right now they are off in their room together and I'm alone here typing to you all. It's not even that I want someone to be with me - I just want Ishaq to be with me, there is no substitute. How could I ever have another soulmate? At this restaurant, when you come and eat there or play there, you write your name on the wall before you go. I drew a heart and "Anna + Ishaq 4ever" inside. That's how I feel. Forever, no other options for me except to wait this life out until I'm with him again. Thank Great Spirit that I have my cats so I feel I have someone to take care of. Mckenzie comes in and lays next to my head and starts licking my nose in the morning to wake me up, and Akbar curls up next to me on the other side.

We'll head back tomorrow, but I sometimes wonder if I should even be doing this sometimes, because often, my heart just isn't in it. A friend just sent me a beautiful email, where she said she had a dream (and she was one of Ishaq's Sufi students too) where I was on stage singing and Ishaq was there with me in spirit form, with one hand on my back, and the other occasionally tapping my heart. It brought tears to read that. Another friend told me early on that Ishaq would send communicate with me after he passed away, but it might come through others as well as coming to me directly. The dreams of him have been sporadic of late and have felt bereft without the intensity of the lucid dreams I've had, but this dream gives me hope that he is still here, watching me, and caring for me.

Hope you all have a peaceful rest of the weekend.

Peace,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

John may be gone but he still takes care of me financially. Today is seven months for him. He died 8/11/06 I $2.00 super boxed his 811. It came out on our daytime lottery. It paid $1,000.00 - he must of know I needed vacation money for Florida.

I am on my way to visit John. I'll post later.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[Guest Guest]

Today would have been our seventh wedding anniversary. I lost Tom just 6 weeks ago. I am still finding myself unable to comprehend the fact that he is gone. All the little things he did, or said, even though he was battling his illness.

[gracie61]

(I just wrote the last message, I didn't realize I wouldn't be identified.) There are still so many things around the house to remind me of Tom. So many of them I find so endearing. He saved so many things, brochures from trips taken, ticket stubs from movies or baseball games. Someday, it will be time to sort through things, but I am not hastening when that will happen. No plans to move any time soon.

There was so much my dear Tom cherished, me for one, as he told me so often. I just want him back. I wanted to grow old with him. Similar to want Anna said, it is not that I just would want someone to be with, I want Tom.

Sincerely, Patty

[rodless]

I logged on when having a bad time and saw Anna's statement. She's right. There is no substitute for the one we love. I saw my first robin today. Mixed feelings. Joy at spring, extreme sadness at being here to welcome it myself. We always made a big deal out of the first robin sighting and I miss him so much tonight. At least the sun in shining. Mary Jo

[samrtb]

rodless - i sort of know how you feel. spring usually makes me happy, lifts my mood. but i think of all the things russ and i were doing last year to welcome it, and it makes me almost wish it would stay winter forever.

[sidvis]

My husband used to leave me little notes all over the place. He would leave the house after I did in the morning and usually would stick a note in an odd place for me to find some time during the day. Well, I saved every note and I thought I had gathered them all up and put them in a drawer. The first few months after he died I kept coming across some of them I had missed. It broke my heart all over again. I even found one on my birthday. He was the best. How I miss him. The tears just keep falling. Some of his notes were quite humorous, as he had a great sense of humor. I finally got to the point where I could laugh. Thanks to God, I could laugh and remember the great life we had together. I am an extremely lucky woman to have experienced such a love.

[mishknit]

welcome patty...

even tho i hate to say that, noone would want to be here. BUT>>>it is a good and suppprtive place to be, and to tell your story. My husband's name was Tom too....i've found so much stuff he saved over the years....amazing. My Tom died January 21, 2006.....so it's been over a year for me. I still want him back..probably always will. You are so new to your grief, and all I can say is, hang in there, experience it. You can't go around it, just have to go thru it. And...it does get/...different. Sometimes better, sometimes not so better, but different. I have a lot more good days than bad..hard to believe..i know.

Just keep coming back.there's a lot of support here.

Sidvis...how lovely to find those notes! I haven't found notes, but cards that i gave him or he gave me, scattered around. Just the other day I found one...him telling me how much he loved me even tho we were going thru some hard times...it was for our 11th anniversary. I don't even remember what hard times we were going thru....guess it all pales in comparison. It always makes me smile to find these things tho....grateful.

hope everyone has a good week.

michele

[ann1013]

It has been a long time since I've posted, but felt a need to turn to those who understand. It was 2 years for me on the 1st and I feel now like I did in the beginning. I thought I was doing so much better so I don't understand this. I hope this isn't going to happen every year at this time. Acknowledging, remembering..yes, but not this overwhelming grief. It is sometimes too much to bear. My friends are not understanding. Of course, they still have their husbands. I find it so odd those with the most advice are the ones that have never experienced this kind of loss. They try to help but sometimes their words only make me feel worse. Recently a friend said it was ok to get "down" at this time of year, just so it didn't go on too long???? Is that too long for me and my mental health or for her and her patience? I have tried to keep busy, make new friends, do things differently yet my feelings remain the same. It it like this dark place just lurks out there waiting for me to slow down so it can close in on me again. I sometimes think if I went to faraway places where nobody knows me or my story it might help. When will acceptance begin? When will the anger stop? I still find myself annoyed and resentful when people complain about the little things in life. I so desperately need to speak with someone who understands.

Ann

[sidvis]

Oh, ann1013---It just never lets up, does it? What to do? I guess just what you have always done to get through it. This is such a great place to come and know you will be understood. I also have thought about living in a place where no one knew anything about me. I suppose it still would not give me what I want the most. To have my husband back with me. Always to want what I can't have and resenting others who do have the life I used to live. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Peace

[lindat]

Since Katrina, I have been living in places where nobody knew and I haven't found it to be any easier. I would love to go back to my old life, but it isn't anywhere anymore. Wishing all of us some peace today. Linda

[missinmyhubby]

Hi Ann,

I am sorry you are feeling down. =( My husband has been gone now since August of 2003. I have since recently remarried and have been trying to find my footing as well. It doesn't matter that I have remarried, I still miss him. Of course I love my new husband, but nobody ever takes their place. My old life is gone forever....It seems like there are plenty of people out there that think because I have remarried, that my hurt should be gone too. If they only knew....sigh. I come on here because the ladies on here are very supportive and KNOW what I am feeling when I say I miss him, or I am sad, or I am having a moment, or whatever. They have also supported me in finding some normalacy again, and most love to hear that more now, than before, I do have good days. I find the harder ones around anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and sometimes, just days....when I expect it the least. Recently, I have been feeling more ungrounded than I have in a long long time. Who knows why...and nobody, but the gals on here, seem to understand. Unfortunately, because they have all been, or are, in the same place. Hang in gal, and make sure you keep coming back here...don't stay away so long!! May you find some peace....

BIG (((((HUGS))))

Angel

[kathy51]

I WAS JUST READING ALL OF THE POST I HAVE MISSED ...I CAN IDENTIFY WITH ALL OF YOU..READING YOUR WORDS MAKES ME KNOW I AM NOT ALONE..GOD BLESS YOU ALL..kATHY

[rodless]

I wrote 6 pages in my journal last night, cried for almost 2 hours and today started over again for the millionth time. After work went out and splashed around in the puddle at the end of my driveway while I shoveled ice and snow out of it. Came in with wet jeans, soaked feet and a lighter feeling...amazing what sometimes helps. Hope all of you have a good Tuesday. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Mary JO - I've been having a bad set of days since I got back from the coast, everything just seems so pointless. Doesn't help that I have this stomach bug that is going around - just pains in the stomach, headache and feeling awful a lot of the time. Half the people I know have this same wierd bug, and it just lingers for a week or two. I'm tired and frustrated and nothing seems to help.

I sometimes wonder about going where no one knows me too, where no one has any expectations of me. People around me have moved on with their lives, but to me the future right now looks like a big empty hole without Ishaq. Too bad we all can't get together and find a piece of land to live on together...at least we'd know we were with people who really understood what we were feeling. I have yet to find someone here I can talk to, who's lost their soulmate. I know one woman who lost her husband to cancer a couple of weeks before Ishaq, but she's not particular talkative when I see her, and I don't get the feeling that she wants to commiserate with me anyway.

Peace,

Anna

[ann1013]

Thanks to those of you that validated my feelings. I think that is what is missing when we grieve...a shoulder to cry on, a comforting word, an understanding heart. It is so important to the healing process. I thank you for that.

I also was sick with that weird flu. I was not feeling well over the holidays and am just now getting some energy back. It really takes it out of you.

I also have had family issues. My mother in law broke her hip over the holidays and just got out of rehab 2 weeks ago. Her daughter decided the situation wasn\'t worthy of her time and left for Florida as planned so everything fell on me and my husband\'s aunts. I feel having to "caretake" all over again brought up all those old feelings of when my husband was so ill. The only satisfaction I have is knowing any relationship I had with my SIL is now null and void! Her behavior over this situation is a deal breaker. Life is just too short to waste on people like her.

Between not feeling well, being angry and grieving, my 2007 has been a nightmare. Spring can\'t get here soon enough for me.

Ann

[aprilmoonflower]

count me in to the having a hard time latley club. the last couple of days have been really hard. my folks were out visiting from NY and left yesterday. i guess it's kind of a letdown when they leave. I just feel sooo alone at times!

[rodless]

I have thought about moving and starting over too, but I have a state retirement plan and free health insurance that I can't afford to give up. I don't suppose the pain of loss would be any better anyway. I feel like part of me has been cut away and will never be back.

For years we spent most of our vacations in the Black Hills and I am trying to decide if I could handle being there again. It was such a special place for just the two of us... I don't want to go there with anyone else. Maybe I never will. Sometimes memories are the best because it will never be the same again. I will have to find a new place to share with friends and family.

I have two memorial services to go to this week for friends who passed away. Really a bummer - one was my age and the other a former boss. My energy level is zip due to shigles and the meds....Surely next week will be better?

Someone, tell us something positive or funny!! Mary Jo

[rodless]

"shigles"?? a new word for **** and giggles?? I meant shingles. MJ