I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

Sandra, I don't think there is a set timetable for any of this. We each move on as we can. I have found that the 6 month mark was mixed... some thinggs better like being able to sort through his possessions, some things worse like it reaaly sinking in that he is never going to be there again. Waves and roller coasters, up and down. Makes you seasick without the benefit of a cruise.

Dorothy, I'm sorry it's been such a rough weekend. All we can do is enjoy the good days and try to keep going through the bad ones. I have never found rhyme or reason to why they are so mixed up... can change one way or the other is just a few minutes.

I AM SO SICK OF WINTER!!!! Spring has to bring some relief. Or maybe it will be worse because I can at least blame the weather for feeling down?? Hope all have a good day. Mary Jo

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo

I can't wait until spring. Maybe I'll feel better - at least I am hoping. Today is my wedding anniversary in church. No celebrating today. Sometimes I get so tired of people (my family) for no reason. What is wrong with me? Where do these darn emotions come from?

At some point of the day I must get out of the house. I want to put a fan in John's room so I am going to either Lowe's or Home Depot. My lights in the bathroom are not working - something is wrong with my circuit breaker. So I have an electrician coming in the morning. A reason to get up and shower.

Maybe my trip to Florida will do me good. I sure hope so. I can't imagine my bags under my eyes getting any larger. If they do I won't be able to open my eyes. What a sad sack I am today. Hoping my mental state will pick up. It would be so nice to be a happy person again.

In reference to dreams. I have had many but they were all good with John walking, laughing and telling jokes. He was such a super guy.

Mary Jo, thanks, I will be contacting you through your e-mail address.

God Bless Everyone,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Dorothy, I like your "a reason to get up and shower." If I didn't have to go to work, I might get kind of stinky sometimes. The weather was so crappy here this weekend that I did not go outside except to shovel snow and walk the dog from Friday night to Monday morning. I pulled sweats on over my jammies Saturday and Sunday and that's how I spent the weekend... kind of enjoyed it. Hope today goes ok, anniversaries are hard. Mary Jo

[mariemikey]

Dorothy:

I understand the alone time thing. I feel like that a lot too. I get so tired of explaining how I feel and trying to pretend that I am feeling good or even o.k. when all I want is to be left alone.

I also understand not wanted to get up and shower. I was there for quite a while...now 4 months later not as much but it still happens. I talk to Michael a lot too and I have wierd dreams.

[mariemikey]

Sandra:

I don't know about anyone else's feelings on moving on, but I believe Mike was my true soulmate and love of my life. I want to make some friends now that I"m back here, but I don't every want another romantic relationship. I don't think I can ever trust someone not to leave me again and I know I couldn't give all of myself to another man. I gave all of myself to Michael and that will never change.

Don't feel sorry for me. This is the way I want to have it.

Everyone has their own timeline and rules for what they want, need, and what feels right. Don't let anyone else's feelings on finding someone new influence your decision, go with instincts and you'll be o.k. After all you did find a great man once before...and I"m sorry you have to go through missing him so much, but I'm sure it was well worth having him in your life and he will also watch over you.

Cara

[armaiti]

Cara - I feel like you do - Ishaq was my soulmate, and I will go through this life knowing that when I pass he will be waiting for me...so I don't feel like I want to get involved with someone else either. I was with Ishaq for almost 11 years, living with him. Before that I was in two other 6 year relationships, with men I knew weren't my soulmate. One was with a man who was more like a good friend; the second was pretty dysfunctional with a guy that had a serious sex addiction, which he kept trying to justify with new age speak "but we have a heart connection!" every time he'd sleep with some other woman.

I told Ishaq the first night we spent together that I wasn't into anything but a monogamous relationship and he said that was his way too. So for these past 11 years he's been my friend, lover, singing partner, spiritual partner and teacher, travel buddy and more. I can't imagine ever finding anyone like him again anyway. A Sufi Sheikh who also loves football and plays jug band music as well as sacred Sufi music, and who loves to garden and loves my cats and accepts me as I am, even when I was at my worst going through menopause.

But right now I realized I am learning how to be just "me" again. It is so hard to not have Ishaq here, but I've always been a survivor and I know I'll get through this. I have to, there really isn't much choice except to keep going.

I think it's wonderful for those of you who have been able to find love again. I don't know what my future holds, and I'm open to whatever comes, but the way I feel now, is like Ishaq still walks with me every day and night, in his form as spirit.

Oh, it's getting really dark out and there was a burst of thunder a minute ago. Ijust finally tackled my cupboards where I'd gotten a grain moth infestation, and ended up dealing with a house spider infestation as well. Yuck!!! My skin is still crawling. I don't mind the spiders in the garden but I HATE having them in the house.

Wishing you all peace this day,

Anna

[armaiti]

Kathy61-I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but do you still try to talk to your husband, maybe ask him to come to you in a dream and let him know he still loves you? I had occasional dreams where Ishaq wasn't with me anymore, but when at times I could be more lucid in my dreams and I'd ask him if he loved me and he'd reassure me that he did. I think there are several types of dreams, and one is the stuff we store in our subconscious, then there are visitation dreams where our departed loved ones or our spiritual guides come to us to give us messages or teachings; and finally lucid dreams, which some people think are more like out of body travel because you are totally aware that you are asleep somewhere else and that this is a dreamspace or a different plane of consiousness.

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Kathy51- sorry, I didn't spell check and got your name wrong in my post! Oops!

Anna

[sidvis]

I went to a college adviser meeting for my older son. He is a great kid and will have no trouble being accepted anywhere he wants to go. That was what my husband and I had planned on and worked very hard to accomplish for both our sons. I came home and hid in my closet and cried and cried. All our hard work is paying off and my sweet husband is not here to see it... how tragic for all of us. I wish life wasn't so hard. To be so happy for my son and to be so sad about my loss, it is a very difficult time. Like Anna says, with the darkness there is always the light. The rule of opposites. I still strive for understanding. Peace to all.

[missyouhoney811]

Sidvis

Good luck with your son. You should be happy and proud for your son's future at college. Trust me, your husband will be watching. I for one truly believe in spirits. I know when I am sad I talk to John and even tho he is not here with me in body form I do feel him around me most of the time. My son was 14 when his father became a paraplegic. It was vey hard for both of us. We had to go through a different life style. My husband ended up with long and short term memory loss. At a time when my son needed his strong bodied father he was not there.. So I became both mom and dad. It was a tough road......but I am so thankful our son was a strong young man and picked the right path to walk on. He graduated from college in May of 2003 and got his job at American Eagle in June 200. He is still with the same company and is now a Associate Buyer. He made us proud. At times it was a struggle..........but good things do happen.......Take care of your son and and be proud of him every step of way.

I ended up having a good day yesterday.......Bought 2 fans for the house.....and I purchased alot of GREEN items that I will be taking on my trip to Naples, Florida for St Patrick's Day (I am not Irish) but I will be drinking the GREEN BEER for my John.

Went out to dinner with my son John Robert and his girlfriend Vanessa. Had two wonderful glasses of wine and that completed my evening. No tears.

Once again my clock went off at midnight playing UNCHAINED MELODY. Yes, I do believe it is John. He has total control of the clock.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day. We are all being watched over by our loved ones.....don't ever doubt it.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I goofed again......John Robert started his job with American Eagle June, 2003.

My electrician came...he is now installing my fans. Take care everyone.

[mariemikey]

Dorothy:

That sounds like a lovely evening. It must have been really nice to spend the evening with your son and no tears....that's strength and that you were able to enjoy an evening. I hope that came out right.

I find the clock/music really interesting. How often is it happening? Is it consistant with a day of the week or time of night?

I haven't really been able to socialize. I went to the movies a few weeks ago and that was fun, but after that I just wanted to go home. I should have. I tend to watch the clock when I go out to visit family. I just don't really want to be social right now with the exception of this board and my friends over the phone. I tend to want to be alone.

Sidvis:

My husband and me didn't have any children, so I honestly can't say I know what you are feeling about your son and college, but I do understand about things going on in your life that you wish so badly that your husband was still here to see. I do believe they see, but not in the way we want...here with us to hold, hug, and comfort. Sitting in your closet crying broke my heart. I hope you are doing o.k. today...I know how hard it is and I know just like me you are trying.

Cara

[missyouhoney811]

Cara

The Clock/Music goes off different times and days. No set pattern. Previous post I stated my son and I were giving a New Year's Eve toast to one another and at midnight the clock went off and played Somewhere Over The Rainbow. About a month after John died I woke up crying around 3:30 AM - took Sherman (dog) for a walk, came back in the house the clock went off playing "Unchained Melody" - that was the first time it ever went off the wrong time of day. It is set to play from 9AM to 8PM. In my heart I believe my John has control of the clock when it goes off the wrong time of day/night. When I came home from the concert, it went off. I felt as if John welcomed me home. Other times it goes off when I am on the phone with John's sister. She tells me she gets goose bumps when she hears it. When I talk alot to him. When I am EXTRA sad. I have no control over the clock and my logical son finally agrees with me. Batteries have been changed numerous times. I actually took it back to the store where I bought it. They found nothing wrong with it. Of course I did not go into detail. They probably would think I am crazy. But, I am not. All of my life I always believed in spirits. What ever is making the clock play - I thank God for it - it gives me a peaceful feeling and I might add a little bit of happiness. The clock just went off (the right time) it played "My Heart Will Go On" - I love that song.

God Bless and Take Care

Dorothy

[sidvis]

Thank you Cara. I am okay today. I just keep trying, but it is still a challenge to keep a "stiff upper lip." You know, some days are easier than others. I don't know how you do it, because I HAVE to do it for my sons. Anyway that is what I tell myself when I am really down. On the good days, I tell myself that I am worth living for. That I am a valuable human and can contribute something to this world while I am here. Am I making sense? My emotions are still on a roller-coaster. I thought the idea you had about horses was a great one. You should check into that. When the weather is better? What a great thing to look forward to! Very positive. That's what we all need, something to look forward to that is positive in our lives. Peace to you.

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I have had so much paperwork to deal with since this happened along with the emotional pain it has caused me. I keep trying to think about how proud he would of me handling all this for him, but he did a lot for me to handle. Everyone keeps saying that I will be able to eventually put things behind me, like when the house is sold, but they don't understand that selling our home is not easy. The only part that is o.k. about it, is so that I don't have to pay for it anymore, the emotion behind it is very painful. They still haven't recovered his remains so I never got to even say goodbye and that is very painful. I just everyday to move forward and make good decisions. I have been very proud of the decisions that I have made and I know he would be proud of me too, but I miss him so much every day and I don't think even time will make that pain go away. It will only be that I try to keep myself busy with work. I have been working on getting into a new routine and so far I am doing o.k. with that. Sometimes my cat knocks over the picture of MIchael, I think she gets mad at him for leaving us, but I have to hope that he is watching over me.

I know what you mean. Everything you said has made sense to me and has been something I can understand. I have noticed changes in myself since this has happened? Have you? Like I stick up for myself a lot more than I ever did, my therapist says it is a good thing and that it's just me setting up boundaries. Michael was everything to me and every day, the first thought when I wake up is that I will never see him again and that I will have to spend the rest of my life without him hugging me and making me laugh like he always did. Do you have feelings like that too?

[kathy51]

Yesterday was my 52nd birthday....My first without Stan and his 52nd was on Valentines Day.My kids did everything possible to make my day a good day....and it was ..as good as it could be without Stan...I did feel quilty for being alive and having a birthday.I miss him so much and love him so much..I will always feel this way no matter what..I do hope one day I can love again..but it will never be like it was with Stan..he was my best friend and soulmate..and he always will be ..he still is so much alive in my heart...and his love will remain with me forever......

[sidvis]

Cara, I too feel stronger since I have to make all the decisions. But when it comes to the boys and their life I flounder because my husband was so in tune with their feelings. I guess it is a man thing, but they really do process things differently than me. My husband always knew what they were thinking. I wonder if there will come a morning that I don't have the first thought of the day that I am alone. I asked my aunt about that once. She has been a widow for many years and she said that the pain just gets less, but it is still there. She never remarried or dated or anything. Of course, she is much older and the circumstances are quite different. I don't think I could marry again.

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I really can understand exactly what you are describing. With the exception of having children, I can relate to the feelings you are describing. I know that I will never remarry, date, or live with anyone. When I have said that, I've been told...it's too soon to say that. It annoys me when people say that when they have no idea what it is like to feel like this. About your Aunt and the pain being less each day, I actually feel guilty when I have a day when I can laugh a little or do something that looks toward the future---like thinking about school or something. Do you still feel angry?

[lindat]

Sidvis - I am 60 so the chances of me finding someone else is probably unlikely. That makes me sad because I know that Terry would want me to be happy with someone in my life. He showed me what it was like to love someone completely and enjoy each day with them in it and I would definitely be very receptive to having someone like that in my life again someday. My mom is 80 and she met the love of her life when she was 65 - he will be 90 this year. They are in Las Vegas this week celebrating her birthday. I certainly don't want to live another 20 years alone. That being said, my grandmother lived more than 20 years alone, so did my aunt. My sister remarried a year after her soulmate of 31 years died and is very happy. She thought she would never marry and now she can't imagine her life without him. I hope all of us can be happy again someday.

[kellysgal]

I lost my fiance back in March of 2005. Now it is going to be March in a few days and i am getting tears in my eyes again. I miss him so much. He was my soulmate. I know that you all understand what I am saying, he was in Little Rock, AR and I live in Washington state. He could tell on the phone how I was feeling, we could finish each others sentences etc...

I knew deep down that he and I were spose to get married one day so I got my ring. The rings that I had designed for us. I have pictures of him. I have his pictures on my myspace even.

I am not intrested in another relationship ever. I loved Kelly and miss him. I know he is in heaven waiting for me.

But it is so hard. Maybe talking on here with you this will help.

[lindat]

I walked him to the ambulance and then I followed behind in the car - because he didn't want me stuck at the hospital without a ride - totally unaware that he was dying. When they called me into the room and said - he didn't make it - I said make what??? Still not getting the big picture. After I kissed him goodbye for the last time, I drove home alone, feeling relieved that we had always told each other every day how special we were and how much we loved - no secrets, he could rest in peace. What a crock!!! The bigger the loss - the bigger the hole.

kellysgal, you are in the right place - we all know exactly what how you feel. My Terry died on Jan 17, 2006 - it sucks and nothing makes it better except talking to others that really understand. Sorry that you have to be here, but we are here and we are listening.

[mariemikey]

Kellysgal:

Lindat is right. I found this to be of great support to me and have come to rely on it. One day at a time or one hour at a time. Take a deep breath. We're all here to talk to.

[sidvis]

Kellysgal-I am sorry the pain is on intense for you right now. Hang on, get through the tough times by posting here. lindat--thank you for your good words. It made me smile to think of me being in Vegas for my 80th birthday with a special man. I did take one of those quizzes to see how long I might live. It suggested I could make it to 98. Scary. mariemikey--what a sweet person you are! I must admit I don't have guilt about living. My guilt comes from feeling I did not take good enough care of my husband. Like, I should have seen how intense his pain was. I kept thinking he would come out of his funk like he had before. I was very much aware he was having trouble. I just didn't think he would do himself in. What a waste. In that I am angry.

[diajon13]

Hello Everyone,

I have a question to ask. I would like to know if the feeling of being alone ever goes away. I lost my soul mate in July and sometimes I really need to talk to someone who knows what I am feeling. A lot of people say they know but I don't think they really know. I still wait for him to call my name or walk in the hall. It is so hard to go on like nothing happened. My husband was only 55 and I know he was sick for a time, but you always think that he will be alright.

He was my whole life and I try to get by each day but as the days go on it is harder and harder . I really don't want to talk to my children because I think , I know it gets them down. So I just hold everything inside. I love this man with all my heart. I just hope that he see me and that it is true that your love one visit you in your dreams. I just wish he would come see me in my dreams more it really does help. Sometimes I feel angry and that makes me cry more. I really hope that everyone out there is doing better . My prayers are with all the other people out there that are going through this also.

[kathy51]

I KNOW THE FEELING IS SO HARD.. I LOST STAN IN JUNE.IT IS STILL SO HARD..ALSO I WAS WONDERING WHY I DONT GET MANY RESPONCES TO MY POST..HEY LADIES I NEED YOUR HELP TOO...PLEASE HELP ME..I AM REACHING FOR YOUR SUPPORT..

[justamom]

Hey Kathy, I read everyday but I don't always post. I lost my husband of 12 years last January 15th - he was 35 and so was I. His birthday is March 4th and that was a terrible day for us. We had all of his friends and family with us and we got through it. My birthday was so much harder. I too felt guilty for turning 36 when he didn't get to. I have since found my gratitude. I was in the car accident with him and there really isn't any reason that I should still be here and he isn't. Except for the fact that I was supposed to live to raise our boys and he wasn't. I try to be grateful everyday for my life and my children. The guilt got me no where and just kept me feeling bad. I am doing alot better. I hope that you to can get rid of the guilt. Sadness is something that we all have to live with everyday but guilt isn't. I too will love my husband everyday for the rest of my life but I do see the need and the room in my heart for someone else. I know myself well enough to know that I am not good at being sad or being alone and I know that my husband wouldn't have wanted me to be either of those things. I hope that you are all doing okay and can find some peace today. Take Care, Lisa

[missyouhoney811]

Kathy,

I know exactly what you are going through. Sometimes the pain in the heart, body and mind are so strong that you feel you can't go on but, we do and we must. Our husband's would want us to do so. Yes, we must be their for our children. My son is 25 and always worried and concerned about me. I am very blessed with him. He reminds me so much like his father - even down to his feet, same size and structure. My husband use to say "the apple does not fall that far from the tree" how true.

I am 60 years old and I doubt that I would ever consider having any type of a male relationship. I am not interested at all. When my husband became ill with all the many trips to the hospital I got use to taking care of everything and even before his illiness I was very independent. I am lonely but not for a romantic relationship with a new person in my life. I just feel once you have your true soul mate it can't be replaced. As long as I try to keep myself busy I think I'll be alright. Boy am I strong tonight. I'll probably write tomorrow and be totally down. Whatever mood I (we) am in - it is justified.

I received an e-mail from a restaurant called Atria's. They are having a special dinner party on 3/6 - only by reservations - all sorts of fancy foods - and many,many different types of wine. Also, a person that sings like Frank Sanatra

I sent the e-mail to my son's girlfriend letting her know that I would like to make dinner reservations for that evening. She e-mailed back and asked what's the celebration? I told her I was celebrating the mending of my mind and spirit.

So the three of us will go. Take care of yourself and your children.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

Kathy..

like lisa, i read all the posts but just don't post myself every day.

Birthdays are very hard...on what woud have been tom's 52nd bday (last june), my son and i buried some of his ashes under a tree we had planted for him. Later in the day we had friends over, dedicated the tree, ate, laughed and cried. It was actually a lovely day.

I know that I will always love tom, and that no other love could replace what we had together. I just accept that if the universe offers me another partner, which i hope it does, it will be different...and that isn't necessarily worse or better, just different. there is only one tom, and only one me with tom, just as you and stan....i am grateful every day for the time we had together. i lost my tom jan 21, 2006...just over a year ago.

Don't ever worry you don't have support here, and that is for all of us. I often take great comfort in words written to soemone else, that is the beauty of an open forum like this. And even if i read and don't post, you are all in my thoughts on a daily basis.

take care,

michele

[missyouhoney811]

Lindat, just because you are 60 does not mean you will not be able to find someone if you want. Age does not mean a darn thing. They say today the new 60 is 40. So

whatever would make you happy - go for your dreams and happiness, when you are ready.

I think it's fantastic that your mother went to Vegas. She sounds like someone that truly enjoys life.

My mother was 92 when she died. She lived 23 years on her own and loved it. My father died in 1982 and mother died 2/27/05. She was another one that loved life. Be good to yourself.

God Bless You,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Kathy, I'm sorry you have felt so alone. I'm like a lot of the others. Read the posts everyday but don't always respond. I have been to your husband's website which you mentioned a long time ago and seen your daughters posts, also. He must have been a remarkable man and I can understand your pain at losing him.

I am 56. My husband of 13 years died in July after being ill for almost 5 years. I miss him horribly but I can't say that I will never consider another relationship because I believe love happens in varying degrees and ways. 25 years ago I would have told I would never, ever marry again. (!!!!!) Life has a way of moving on whether we are ready of not.

Did anyone see the Oprah show today? I was home because of the blizzard - it's a doozy - and caught it. It was about people who have come through adversity. One of the women had lost her husband & 2 yr. old son in an airplane crash from which she had very serious injuries. It was just like I was supposed to be home to see that because some of the things she in particular said really connected with me.

Happy March... definitely coming in like a lion here! Mary Jo

[rodless]

I'd better add a little to what I just said. There is no way I'm going looking for another relationship. Down the road a long way it somthing happens, it happens. Right now I can't imagine another man ever being as special or as perfect for me as Rod. My biggest regret is that we didn't find each other until later in life but who knows... we maybe wouldn't have been so great together at any other time.

I miss Rod really bad today. He would have been really excited that I could stay home. The blizzard would be fun if he were here to get the woodstove going (I hate messing with the thing) watch a movie with or go to bed early with. Instead it's just me and the dog who is having a fit from the sound of the wind and the fact that she can't stick her nose out the door without getting blasted with snow. Somedays life just sucks and there's no getting around it.

Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Kathy- jeep posting! someone will always be here for you! It sounds like you have had a rough couple of weeks w/ the bdays? I hate how the days after seem almost like a letdown at times (letdown from what though?!?) hang in there. It's so incredibly hard, we all know how you feel..

[armaiti]

Kathy51 - I go through periods of posting and not posting as well, often depending on how I’m feeling. But I read every day here and keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. We may not all respond to you right away, but we definitely are here for you.

Diajon13 - my partner also passed in July and was 55. I go through cycles - right now I’m on a kind of “up” cycle. It’s good you can dream, and see him in your dreams. Yes, I do believe our beloveds visit us in our dreams and watch over us in our waking hours. Sometimes I think the dreams are just coming from us, but other times, I know that Ishaq is with me in the dreams and we talk. I started learning about lucid dreaming a while back and that helped a lot, so that sometimes I can remember that I’m in the dream and ask Ishaq questions, and talk to him with the full knowledge that he isn’t living in a body any more.

Lindat - I have several friends who found partners when they were in their sixties. If you want to find love again, just keep your heart open and know the universe can give you want you want, if you believe it can happen!

Today I got a call from my friend whose girlfriend passed away last week. It was really hard. I listened to him and wanted to be there for him, but hearing his voice break as he talked about how he missed the everyday things they used to do together was really hard. It brought back so many feelings about those first few days and weeks of living without Ishaq here with me.

Other than that, I’ve been feeling pretty good, pretty strong. Mara Friedman is having an art show opening tomorrow night for pieces from women’s sacred art class, and my piece is one of the ones being hung. So I’m excited to go to the opening. The piece is from a dream I had with Ishaq, too, so it is even more special to have it in the show for me. I’ve been writing more too (thanks April for the info on Associated Content, they made offers on all three of the pieces I sent and published them!). It’s been cold and rainy but snow only on the outskirts of town. I went there yesterday morning and hiked through the snow a bit, while the sun was out. Now we’re back to cold and rain.

I sit here writing and I’m wearing one of Ishaq’s flannel shirts. I’d always put our winter clothes away for the summer months, and I hadn’t taken a lot of his out of the boxes since he passed away in the summer. It’s nice to still have his clothes to wear. Makes me feel even more connected to him. I’ve got a picture on the altar of him standing at an overlook above the Columbia River on one of our last big trips together, and he’s wearing this shirt.

Hope you all have a peaceful night,

Love,

Anna

[missinmyhubby]

Hello all,

I was wondering if anyone else has received their rememberance pins or bracelets yet?

I will write more when things slow down a bit here. (((hugs)))

Angel

[mariemikey]

Kathy:

I must say that I am sorry for not posting back to you quickly. I know what it is like to need support and feel like it's not there.

I read everyday, sometimes several times a day. I check to see if there is a posting that I could maybe respond to right away to help someone the way they have helped me. I am so sorry I missed yours. Some days are better than others for me.

I have days where the pain of missing Michael is so much I wonder why he left me here and then I come up on the message board and I feel much better. I also have days of fear where I don't think anything is going to go well and I"m afraid to think of things getting better because I don't want to be disappointed again. I have therapy once a month now which I believe really helps me. I think I might move it back to twice a month though. It feels good to look forward to the appointment and with all of the changes going on in my life all at once, I think the extra session would be helpful.

Sometimes, I get longwinded....sorry about that.

Tell us more...about your husband, your memories that you would feel comfortable sharing.

The ladies on this board are the support I count on and they have been here for me. I know we can all make you feel the same way. I am thankful for that.

[aprilmoonflower]

Angel- where have you been hiding!?!

[missyouhoney811]

Where is everyone? No postings for two days.

I have not been out of the house since Thursday. Not feeling very well the past few days. Missing John.

Hope all of you are well.

Dorothy

[justamom]

Hi everyone, Today was Steve's birthday. He would have been 37. Not old at all. I wonder now how do I mark it? This is the 2nd birthday that he has missed, he "would" have been 37, it is just strange to think about how to keep track of what he is missing or not here for. We had big plans for planting a blue spruce in a spot that he had picked out but we still have too much snow and our ground is frozen. We were also going to go to our favorite family restaurant for "Comfort Food" but my little guy has had a reoccurence of strep throat. The weird thing is that he has rarely been on antibiotics and they still didn't work. So we are home watching t.v. and just trying to take it easy. I went to the CC DU hockey game last night with "Hockey Boy" and I had a few beers and I haven't felt great all day either so it has been kind of nice to just lay around. I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow and now I have a sick boy so that will shift stuff to later in the week. My birthday is 4 months from today - Steve was exactly 4 months older than me - I always thought that was nothing and now I am older than he ever was.That is such a strange concept to me. My brain is just working overtime on me these days. I hope you all have had a good weekend. Sorry this didn't make much sense I am kind of bouncing around in my head. Not a very straight train of thought. Take care all, Lisa

[armaiti]

Dorothy - sorry you are not feeling well. I've been having a couple of down days myself. Yesterday was my friend's girlfriend's memorial service and I hear it was beautiful. I didn't try to get down there as there are some nasty snowy passes to get through between my town and their town, so I stayed home. I don't know that I could have handled going to a memorial service anyway. And I heard a couple of days ago that another friend's brother was killed in a car crash. There is just so much death and sadness around lately.

I did a bunch of gardening today, but I didn't get the joy out of it I used to. Sometimes I feel I'm just going through the motions. It was hard digging out the invasive grass that has gotten in the front beds, Ishaq used to do all that part but he's not here to do it. The weather was warm and beautiful but I just keep thinking that it's the first spring that he isn't here. And that just sucks.

Anna

[armaiti]

Lisa - you must have been posting right when I was too, because I only saw your message after I posted mine! Happy Birthday to your Steve. I'm sorry your little one is sick. Take care,

Anna

[rodless]

Hi everyone, After 3 days of blizzard I am almost certifiable. I am SO SICK OF SNOW!!! At least today I got out and drove around. My driveway is a tunnel ... thank god for 4 wheel drive. Lisa can probably identify!

I'm sorry there are so many in a down mode. I'm there, too. I think I have shingles (4th time) and the dr. will say stress, no doubt. I need to get my act together, eat right, get some exercise and change my attitude but despite my best efforts sitting on the couch with the tv running seems to be the thing I do best when I'm home. If I'm out with friends or at work I'm ok (kinda). I'm really hoping spring will help. I read somewhere that the change in seasons is always a rough time for grieving.

Lisa, I can understand your feelings on Steve's birthday. It must be strange because ss you go through life he will never be old to you. Rod's birthday was April 7 so I will have that to deal with for the first time next month.

Dorothy, hope you get to feeling better. Bummer on top of everything else to be sick. Anna, I will feel much like you in the fall. That was our special time of year, but it is hard to have a beautiful day and not miss our loves.

Wishes for a good week with the WARM sun shining on all of you!! Mary Jo

[mishknit]

lisa...

i can so identify with the birthday thing...I will keep getting older, he'll always be the same. I was in bed last night staring at his picture and thinking just that..frozen in time....so weird.

I haven't really had bad days..my son (14) has been going thru some heartbreak..sheesh!, and I've been involved with that, which has kept me from posting much. Actually..he's up again, and i have to go....

i will be back..am always reading and thinking of you guys.

michele

[kathy51]

THANK YOU!!!!!!THANK YOU!!!!!FOR ALL YOUR POST TO ME...TIMES I FEEL DOWN AND FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF(most of the time).I DO APPRECIATE YOU ALL.......

STAN AND I HAD PLANNED A FAMILY VACATION TO THE COAST OF NORTH CAROLINA FOR JUNE 2006...WE WERE THERE WITH OUR SON AND HIS FAMILY AND OUR DAUGHTER WAS COMING THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK WITH HER LITTLE BOY.WE LEFT ON SUNDAY AND HAD A COUPLE OF BEAUTIFUL DAYS WITH OUR SON AND FAMILY..ON WEDNESDAY MY SON AND HIS FAMILY WENT TO DINNER WITH HIS SISTER-IN-LAW THAT LIVED NEAR THE BEACH.MY DAUGHTER WAS ON HER WAY...STAN SAID HE WAS GOING ACROSS THE STREET TO APUBLIC PARK TO JOG..HE DONE THIS DAILY.I HAD BEEN GOING WITH HIM AND WALKING OUR LITTLE YORKIE...BUT NOT THIS AFTERNOON..I DECIDED TO STAY AND SHOWER AND GET THINGS READY FOR MY DAUGHTERS ARRIVAL..HE SAID HE WOULD BE BACK IN AFEW MINUTES..HE NEVER CAME BACK..AFTER AN HOUR PASSED I WENT TO LOOK FOR HIM..DIDNT SEE HIM THERRE.I ASKED ALADY WALKING IF SHE HAD SEEN HIM(i DESCRIBED HIM TO HER)SHE SAID NO..BUT SOME MAN COLLAPSED AND AN AMBULANCE HAD

TAKEN HIM AWAY...I PANICKED..WAS IT HIM? WHAY HAPEN ?DID HE GET TOO HOT?DID HE FALL AND BREAK HIS LEG?I CALLED 911 AND APOLICE OFFICER CAME TO THE PARK AND TOLD ME HE HAD DIED AT THE PARK..OH MY GOD.....I COULNT BREATHE~!~~ BUT MY SON FINALLY GOT HOME AND MY DAUGHTER GOT THERE AND THEY HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL\

TO IDENTIFY HIM..IT WAS HIM..HE DIED OF SUDDEN CARDIAC ARREST.NEVER HAD A HEART PAIN..NEVER SICK..I WAS SHOCKED ..STILL AM...HE WAS 51 YEARS OLD..WE MARRIED AT 16 YEARS OLD...MARRIED 34 YEARS..2 CHILDREN AND 2 GRANDCHILDREN AND NOW ONE DUE IN 8 WEEKS;...IT MAKES ME SAD HE WILL NEVER KNOW THIS BABY AND SHE WILL NEVER KNOW HIM AND THE OTHER TWO WILL NEVER REMMBER HIM..THEY ARE 2 AND 3 YEARS OLD..I WILL POST MORE LATER..THANKS AGAIN FOR LISTENING AND SHARING..IT REALLY DOES HELP.....kATHY

[mishknit]

kathy...

my husband was also 51. he died in jan 2006..that april 1st would have been our 17th anniversary..in a little less than a month i will go thru the second anniversary alone..very weird and surreal. We got married later..we have a 14 year old son...better not be any grandkids anytime soon LOL!

we're all here for you, we're all here for each other...

it's a good thing,

michele

[rodless]

Kathy, glad to see your post. Having others understand really does help. I always come to this board when I'm down and after a crying jag tonight needed to be here.

I'm home from work for three days until shingle medicine takes hold. Don't want to give anyone chicken pox. Not exactly what I needed after blizzard especially since it's the first on the month and lots to do at work. Dr. says stress.. what a surprse...oh well... more tv. I'm getting kind of attached to Bonanza & Gunsmoke reruns. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, so sorry you're feeling so bad! And Kathy, thanks for hanging in here with us.

I had an awful weekend off and on...I was feeling really, really depressed,more than I had for a long time...I finally realized this morning that I"d been making coffee from the wrong bag - I'd been only drinking decaf for five or four days,and didn't realize it -made regular coffee and after one cup I felt like a normal person again. I guess caffeine is my drug of choice. But I had no idea it would affect me so badly to not drink it! Glad I figured that one out.

I went to drum tonight on the big powwow drum. The young man who leads the singing is getting married, his father was one of my Ishaq's Sufi students as well. And they are getting married at the Sun Dance on July 28, which is the day Ishaq passed away on. I remember that they heard about his passing last year and they were all at the Sun Dance and did a round of prayers and songs for him. I think he probably enjoyed that. He never got into the Indian thing the way I did, partly I think because he didn't have any native blood. His family all emigrated from Germany in the 1800's to Texas. But he had great respect for Native American traditions and ways. I always feel better when I've been at the drum.

Hope you all have a good night,

Peace,

Anna

[fourleafclover]

Hi there. I'd just like to know if anyone really has gotten over a loss like this. Is there anyone out there who can tell me with certainty that it gets better? I need to know this, because I don't know how to carry on... I have tried to live, get married and have children. I have tried by making money and owning beautiful homes and cars. I have tried by believing that this is all temporary. I have tried by focussing only on my family, but guess what? I still can't breath when I think about him or when I say his name. What's the point? What is the point? What is the point?

[aprilmoonflower]

MaryJo- oh no! feel better!

Anna-I have a slight caffeine addiction too, but have to limit it. btw I love hearing about your rituals and spiritual practices! I don't know much about Sufi (other than Rumi). btw my kids are part Cherokee. I would love to take them to a pow wow when they are older!

fourleafclover- beautiful post. but I know your pain, as we all do. I don't have any answers but I'd like to say, no. we never will get "over" it. I think we just learn to live with it. I always like to tell myself, it's time to dream a new dream..

as far as birthdays go..on my next one (I'll be 33 in July) I will be older than DH was when he died. sooo wierd. it makes me feel a little free-er in a way though too. I am trying so hard to not let his death define me. is that wrong? sometimes I feel guilty about it almost.

My oldest child turned 3 this weekend. it has been so painful without DH here. we had a little party but my heart really just wasn't into it w/out him. I have to force myself to socialize at times these days..ugh.

otherwise my parents are here this week visiting from back east. it helps having them here.

[mariemikey]

Fourleafclover:

Hello. I hope you don't find me intrusive with my questions, but if you do please please let me know....I only want to try to help.

How long has it been since you lost him? Do you see a therapist?

I know you said you are married with children...which is great! Do you have any other support like friends and other family members? A support group? I've been looking for a support group like all these ladies are to me on line that I can also go to in person. I'd like to have this support and in person support also.

I lost my husband four months ago suddenly. He is/was truly my soulmate--the love of my life. I cry every day and think of him every minute of every day. I know that he will always be with me and I am grateful for the 13 years we had together.

I don't know if it gets any easier. I know that I have bad days and good ones. I keep trying to find ways to live through it. I have had sleepless nights, but the nightmares have stopped.

I have learned to take each day at a time and sometimes I have to break the day into an hour at a time.

I don't know if this is helping you. I do know that having this message board has been a great help to me and I am grateful everytime one of these ladies responds to a posting. Thanks.

Please continue to post.

[sidvis]

Mary jo, I am sorry you are stuck with Bonanza re-runs! That just adds to the misery, I would think. lol Fourleafclover, your name sounds hopeful! Hang in there. All I know is that at 16 months the pain is not as intense, but, yes, it is still there. There will always be a hole in my heart that can't be filled.At the beginning, the hole was huge and everything looked so dark. But with some time the darkness started to lift, and the hole got smaller. Really, it did seem that a veil was lifted. Such a strange sensation that was, but when it happened I knew I would survive this. I too wonder what is the point on really bad days. You just have to get through those times the best way you can. Every time I look at a picture of him I still can't believe he is gone. But I am still here to carry on the best I can. Such brave words today. Let's hope they stick.