I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

Sidvis, I appreciate yout remarks about divorced/widowed. I have experienced both. Both definitely have a grief process. In the support groups I was part of, the combination worked most of the time but I remember divorced participants being much angrier longer and having more problems gstting that resolved. I hope widows(ers) will not shy away from groups that also have divorced members as there are similarities. Just my 2 cents worth. MJ

[mariemikey]

I'm sure everything will be fine with the furniture thing. It's just a shame it's something that I have to spend any thought on at all, but I'll just deal with it when the time comes. No need for me to worry about it now. I've been prioritzing everything since I lost my husband and I know I am doing a good job making decisions and doing what is best. I know he would be proud. I talk to him every day and miss him so much.

I have been grateful for the advice from everyone. I have really been using the take 1 hour at a time on my bad days. I have also been finding little things to look forward to. Crafts that was interested in, but didn't or haven't done in a while, school, work, even therapy appointments because it feels good to talk.

Like Rodless, I was dismissed from therapy and my therapist was calling when I moved here to check in with me. I asked her about once a month sessions over the phone and she said that was something she could do. Once February came, I found it necessary to have a couple of sessions because of our anniversary and his birthday. It just made me feel better. I am confident that I can go back to once a month and then from there go to maybe as needed or every other month. I just feel like it also feels good to talk about the positive things that are happening in my life too...deciding on school, things like that.

[missyouhoney811]

I wanted to let you know I totally enjoyed the Rod Stewart Concert. I had a wonderful night out with my son. Rod Stewart actually did a song about the loss of a father. I got home around 11:45 PM once again my clock played at midnight "Somewhere over the Rainbow" - call me crazy but I truly think my John's Spirit does it. The last time it played at midnight was New Year's Eve. My son and I were toasting at midnight gave each other a kiss on the cheek as we said "Happy New Year" the clock played "Somewhere over the Rainbow" - another strange thing happened this week. My John would always buy me Roses on Valentines Day. My son gave me a beautiful flower arrangement (no roses) he bought the same arrangement for his girl. My flowers died within 24 hours. Vanessa's flowers are still beautiful. Figure that out. Is John angry that I did not get my roses?

Peace be with all of you.

Dorothy

[mariemikey]

Dorothy:

I am so glad you enjoyed the concert. I think that your John is always with you.

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- sounds like you had a good night! and awww you son gave you flowers! I can't wait for that day to come! (right now my son likes to kiss my nose.lol)

mariemikey- I think it's totally fine that you are doing your therapy from the phone. whatever works, right?!? It sounds like you are very organized person. maybe you should become a personal organizer?lol. (half kidding here!)

btw has anyone here done a time capsule?

[mariemikey]

I decided to get out last night and go to the movies with my sister and a couple of her friends. It was only a few minutes from her house so I didn't feel like it was a giant step, just a little one, but I felt comfortable. We saw Music & Lyrics with Hugh Grant. I really liked it. It felt good to get out. After that though I was ready to go back home to my apartment. I found myself feeling sad about Michael...not guilty, sad...missing him so much. I stayed for a little bit longer and then went home.

Today, I am doing o.k. I have a therapy appointment over the phone later that I am actually looking forward too. Does that sound ridiculous?

How is everyone else doing today?

[missyouhoney811]

mariemikey-I am so happy you went out and enjoyed yourself a bit. We will always miss our husbands because they are a part of us. Death does not take that away.

I remember just trying to go into the grocery store shortly after my John died. I would drive to the store and sit in the parking lot without going in the store to shop. That went on almost two months before I was actually able to shop. I hope you have a good day.

aprilmoonflower-My son did a time capsule that was put in one of the corners of the casket. I will have to find out exactly what he put in. I had nothing to do with it. My son went on a business trip to New York City today. When he calls I'll find out exactly what he put in.

[mariemikey]

I haven't done a time capsule. I think it's a beautiful idea though.

[missyouhoney811]

mariemikey

I was reading over the previous postings. How is your day going? Birthday's are hard and sad. Try to be good to yourself today. Thinking of you.

[armaiti]

Yesterday was the 11th year anniversary of Ishaq and I getting together. I had gone out to that friend’s birthday party the night before and had a good time. I send out emails to our community with pictures of Ishaq on the various anniversaries - his birthday, the six month anniversary of his passing, yesterday’s anniversary. She told me how she appreciated that I did that, that hearing about the way I’m still connecting with Ishaq made her think that if her husband died, there was a different way to handle the grieving process than our “normal” society wants us to treat death. It made me feel like maybe I can help other people, somehow. I’ve thought of starting a women’s group here, for women who have lost their partners and have a philosophy and spiritual base more like mine, who want to get together and sing and do ritual and tell each other our experiences with our partners even now that they are not in bodies anymore.

So yesterday I wake up feeling pretty good. Unfortunately, I wasn’t payinng attention making breakfast and sliced my thumb open with my bread knife. That was a bit of a drag! I posted my anniversary message to the community, and then I got a call from my friend who was supposed to come up and spend these next few days with me. She had been up all night, throwing up. She’s an ER nurse and had been treating a lot of people coming in with this flu that’s going around. So she couldn’t come. I was disappointed, but somehow it felt ok to have this anniversary alone with Ishaq in spirit and the cats. So I called another friend and we went out to lunch, which was nice, and then I went to a nursery north of town and got some peas and primroses for the garden. I had also dreamed the night before that I had been buying white roses to give to Ishaq on our anniversary, and I went and bought a dozen of those for the altar. (When I looked up what the symbols of white roses were, there were several cool things - one is that you are saying to someone “you are heavenly” - how appropriate! Also that they symbolize spirit. And in numerology, they are linked to the number 9, which is the numerological value of our anniversary.)

I ended up making a nice dinner here and doing my practices…I did feel sad that he wasn’t here, that we never got to celebrate this anniversary together in the flesh. And my friend called before I went to bed to tell me she wasn’t sick anymore, but her ex, who was one of Ishaq’s best friends, had called her to come help with his girlfriend who had recently had surgery for a brain tumor. She isn’t doing well, she is this lovely young woman, a yoga teacher, who is only thirty nine and probably will not see forty. So my friend went up to his house and they got her readmitted to the hospital. It is just so sad how much suffering she is going through, how much they are all going through. But it was good my nurse friend was there to help.

So today I’m feeling ok, kind of tired. I occasionally have lucid dreams, where I know I’m dreaming, and they are always with Ishaq and we talk and hold each other. I really believe they are more than dreams, that when we are in the dreamspace we can communicate with those who have crossed over. I’ve been doing dream work for over 20 years now, and it has been helpful to have that basis now, when I really need it. I was hoping that I might have one of those dreams last night, but I didn’t. Ishaq was in at least one dream I had last night, though, which was nice.

I’m glad to hear from all of you that got out this weekend and had a good time. And to everyone, take care, and keep believing in love, your partners love will always be with you!

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

marie....

good for you , getting out. My son wants to see that fim, so do i.

And i live for my tuesday therapy appt., and so i don't think it';s weird you look forward to yours. thank god for therapy...i don't know where i'd be today.

I've been feeling so lonely lately. I'm lonely for tom, but that's not it, because,as lonely as i am for him, he's not coming back. I'm lonely for someone to be with , to talk to about my day, to get excited for me, and i can get excited for, to slap on the butt on his way down the hall, to kiss, to curl up with on the couch. i was here last night ,no makeup, sweats, big warm booties..and knew that if tom were here he'd love me , even tho i looked like hell. Who else is gonna do that? It takes a long time to get to that place of comfort...do i even have the time? it was a bad night last night, angry and sad and so lonely...

todady will be better, i hope.

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- I hope you get through today ok! I am thinking of you. I'm glad you got to go out last night too..sounds like it went ok for you and just what you needed!

Anna- I think that's a wonderful idea to start the women's group! AWESOME! have you thought of doing retreats?

Michele-I now what you mean..I am not so much lonley, just sad I don't have anyone to share "adult" things with or a partner. it makes life hard.

missingyouhoney811- can't wait to hear about your son's time capsule! thanks so much for asking him! I thought this might be a cool thing to do this summer on the second anniversary of my hubby's death. I thought I might either bury it or just pack it away for us to open in 10 or 20 years. I think it will help my kids understand their Dad and our great loss one day a little better.

[mariemikey]

Michele:

I can really understand everything you said. I miss that unconditional love and friendship that me and MIchael had too. Is there anyone in your family that you can also talk with in addition to the therapy?

Missyouhoney811:

Thanks for asking. I'm doing o.k. I miss him and keep thinkingof what we have been doing for his birthday. I know he's watching over me. I talk to him a lot too...a lot when I take walks.

Aramiti:

11 year anniversary..how are you doing?

[armaiti]

Mariemikey - thanks for asking how I'm doing today...I gardened for a while, which always makes me feel better...put in snow peas and shelling peas and flowers, and did a little pruning. Ishaq used to do the "heavy" labor, but last spring I started doing it while he was at work, so I'm trying to ease back into that..

I'm laying low today, there is a potluck tonight with our Native American drumming group, but I decided to just stay home and watch a movie. I talk to Ishaq all the time too, and wonder what it is like for him now. I know I feel his love surround me, often. Other times I don't feel him...kind of like he goes off on these "astral retreats" and then comes back.

April - I may do retreats at some time, but right now I think I'm just going to try to do a group here in town. I co-led retreats with Ishaq, and they are a big production to put on. Renting space, getting the food thing taken care of, etc. Maybe sometime in the future.

I've been working on my diet too, trying to feel healthier...I've cut out almost all sugar, and I'm eating mostly vegetarian, except that I do eat fish. It seems to be helping with the mood swings I was going through, that seemed somehow separate from the ones that were relating to Ishaq's passing. I'm not giving up coffee though! We have local roasters that specialize in organic, fair trade coffee, at a really good price, so I feel fine drinking it.

Anyway, time to go make some dinner...take care, everyone.

Love,

Anna

[mishknit]

marie..( can i shorten it like that, is that ok?)....i am so very lucky with the support system that i have, i have many friends to talk to and do things with..but i do love my hour of therapy, where i can just say anything and not worry about anything..thats' what i love the most about therapy. I am pretty much myself all the time.....but there's alwyas that little holding back, you know, don't call your best friend an ass if they do something stupid..then go tell your therapist how pissed you were!! LOL! Actually, i probably would call my best friend an aass..but you know what i mean.

anna..it sounds like you had a nice day..i so love to garden! I have to actually landscape my back yard...we had soemone to do it right before tom died, and so i cancelled it all. Now it's still a mess...but i'm planning, at least in my head! LOL. But i have a lovely little triangle in front of my house that is sprouting daffodils and poppys, and a few beautiful iris willed to me my a wonderful friend who died a few years ago. I love when margaret's irsi bloom..they remind me of her, and now i picture tom and her happily chatting soemwhere...wherever. makes me smile. I have long planned to grow food...we were going to have raised beds in our back yard plan. Someday.....

peace all,

michele

[missingcurtis]

Hi,

I haven't posted for a while but I have been reading the posts.

Not much of anything different going on with me. February 14th (Valentines Day) was 14 months since Curtis died. It was cold and snowing so I didn't make it out to the cemetery. I went yesterday (beautiful sunny day) and took some sping flowers out and picked up the winter ones. I keep a flag flying over his grave and I am thinking of getting one of those solar lights to put out there also.

Work keeps me busy all day but the evenings and nights are still long and lonely. I try to visit with my sisters and a couple of my friends but end up coming home to an empty house. I am glad I moved and it is not the house where we lived together. I know everyone has to heal in their own way but I think this has helped me in a lot of different ways.

I still go back to our old town and visit friends and his family. I am the one who keeps in touch with them and I hope we can keep the connection open. There are still some unsettled things between his family and me but we are working on it.

I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

Debbie................Missing Curtis

[sidvis]

Hello All. I have been reading past posts. I want to know about the chickens. Did they arrive on schedule, April? Vegetable gardening sounds wonderful. Full of Spring and new things. We used to have a garden, but it wasn't too successful. I stick to flowers now. I get alot of enjoyment from them and I find it relaxing to mess around with beautiful colors. Here's to us, the survivors. Peace

[aprilmoonflower]

sidvis- the chicks arrived Friday! =) it has been quite an experience thus far! I am hoping to set up my raised garden beds thomorow, first I have to weed a bunch in the yard though..I have blisters all over my fingers too as I planted 9 trees, 3 blueberry bushes and 3 kiwi vines amd various flowers over the weekend. things are busy here but it's a good thing!

[sidvis]

April--Kiwi vines! That sounds so exotic! Do they actually bear fruit? It is still a while off before I can plant any new flowers, but my pansies look great. I would like to plant some trees. You are inspiring me. Boy, do I really need that today! I dreamed of my DH last night. OH How I wish ............. I guess I should be glad for that encounter in my dream. I said,Please don't leave me. He was so wonderful. Okay, back to gardening......Peace

[aprilmoonflower]

sidvis- I have no idea if the kiwis will bear fruit but I'm hoping they will! (I got the idea from Anna btw)

I know what you mean about dreams. they always warm my heart when DH is in them but then I wake up 10 times lonelier and missing him. I guess we have to hang on to what we can.

[mariemikey]

It sounds like spring is definitely coming with all the planting going on. It's nice to read about that. Had some warmer days here which was nice, I'm finally getting into some sort of a routine. Thinking about maybe horseback riding lessons when the weather gets nicer. It doesn't seem like it's that expensive....like $30 a month for two 30-40 minute private or groups of 3-4 people in a lesson group.

How are chickens doing? Are they settling right in?

I understand the dreams also. It is nice to still have the dreams though.

[justamom]

Hi girls, I am sure jealous of all of the planting _ I still have 2 feet of snow in some parts of my yard although I can see grass in some parts of town. I just heard that we are due for more snow this weekend YIKES! I live vicariously through all of you.

I am jealous of the dreams also. THat is one of the side effects of my PTSD is that I don't dream anymore. In a whole year I have had 3 dreams and two of them had Steve in them and I was so freaked that he was there I woke myself up immediately. And then I was so sad. I don't sleep very much or very often and I think that keeps the dreams away as well. I would give anything to have a good dream. One with Steve in it would be so amazing.

I am home today with a boy with Strep throat! So we are just hanging out playing games and doing laundry. Hope you all are doing well. Take care, Lisa

[armaiti]

Today it's cold and rainy here and they are predicting snow showers on Monday. Hope I didn't jump the gun with my pea planting...

Today also sucks in a lot of ways...I had to go renew my AAA memebership, which required taking Ishaq's death certificate to get the membership changed to just me. And dealing with explaining that to the receptionist and getting that "oh...I"m so sorry" pity, shock don't know what to say to you look. I just want ot get it done and get it over with. Then I think maybe I'll take myself over to our local hut tub rental place and soak for a while, and I get told you have to have two people! So I'm screwed unless I want to round up somebody to go with and I just really want to be alone. I really want to head off to the ocast of something, but I'm taking care of a friend's indoor cats until next week and have to go over every day to feed them...it's also probably colder and nastier on the coast anyway.

It's probably the sugar...I fell off the no sugar wagon because my neighbor brought me a big chocolate chip cookie, which I ate. Sigh. My one big addiction is sugar. I guess maybe I'll just treat myself to some Thai food tonight and watch DVDs until Grey's Anatomy is on.

Hope the rest of you are doing better than me today.

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[mariemikey]

Armaiti:

I am sorry to hear about your day. Dealing with "business" while missing our husbands is very difficult. It's exhausting, but when it's taken care of sometimes there is that feeling of courage and relief that we got through it. Does that make sense? I'm not meaning to be patronizing. I hope that came out the way I wanted it too. I understand what you mean about just wanting to be alone. Is there a way that you can do the hot tub just as one, maybe for a shorter soak or surcharge or something like that? I've been finding that I want some alone time lately too even though I have quite a bit of it. I find that when I am around people, I end up talking up the latest of what's going on and I don't want to have to feel like I'm burdening people. I also hate the feeling of having to pretend to smile, laugh, and joke around, when I just want to be able to be quiet or honest in how I"m feeling, but I feel so selfish.

How long is the cold weather supposed to last? Will one or two days of frosty weather hurt the peas?

[armaiti]

Mariemikey - no you're not being patronizing! I know what you mean...I also was dealing with the tax stuff today. I just get tired of repeating "my partner passed away last year" as it just brings up stuff. And no, I can't pay a surcharge or anything, this place only lets you come in with friend. I have a vague memory of someone maybe having an accidnet or something there years ago, so it's probably an insurance thing. When I lived in Berkeley I used to go the the sauna there all the time and they let you in by yourself, but things may have changed. I do have some friends with hottubs, maybe I'll give one of them a call...

I think the peas will be ok...I'm holding off more gardening until after the first part of next week, though I just bough a ton of dahlia and gladiola bulbs to redo the front garden strip by the street.

The sugar's worn off now, too, so I feel better! And April, I just submitted my first articles to Associated Content - I went for one their "how to" invite and sent in a couple, including one on "how to tame a wild kitten" about taming and catching Mckenzie. What articles do you have on there, or how would I find you?

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

i so hate having to change things...it was horrible early on, and it's still uncomfortable! After a year i still have credit and things in tom's name or both of ours, and i don't change it because i'll have to send a death certificate, and listen to some random person tell me how soorry they are, like some automaton. I just had to do that the other day...a credit card came in with an annual dues amount..no way i'm gonna pay it, since i don't use the card. BUT....i called, and had to send a death certificate again. And every time i do..it's so hard, so hard.

I'm sorry anna....it is so hard.

and marie...i have been wanting to be alone too, just the way i've been feeling. i try and honor that. Right now my son has american idol blasting..so alone isn't really possible lol...but i was just hanging today, doing taxes, cleaning around the house, and it felt good to be just with me.

anyway...i'm sorry you had such a hard day anna, and hope your peasmake it! I have been picking snails off my flowers....ugh! where do they come from, and how do you get rid of them!!!??? I feel like a stealth agent..it gets dark..i start to work, my trusty flashlight and i..after the horrible snails! LOL!

take care all,

michele

[lindat]

Michele,

We had a garden years ago and Terry didn't like insecticides so he planted marigolds to ward off the snails. I think he said that onions did the same thing. He also put out pie pans with beer in them, I think that was for the snails too, but I didn't pay much attention - he enjoyed gardening, but it is not my bag.

Linda

[mariemikey]

Armaiti:

I love Dahlia's. I think they are so pretty. What colors are you going to plant?

Mishknit:

I had a credit card show up the other day in my husband's name. I had to call and listen to "automated" I'm sorry's too, when all I needed to hear was "the account is now closed...thanks for calling".

[sidvis]

To me, this is the ultimate --- in order to take my kids out of the U.S. I have to show proof that I have permission from their father since he is not traveling with us, so you know what that means---I have to take that horrible document with me! I know it is a safety thing for the children's sake, but still--It is such a crappy thing to have to carry around. Plus the fact it says suicide. Great. So, I guess this is never ending, just always something to rub salt in the wound. Geez, and people wonder why it is so hard to "move on." Anna, I wonder if sugar could be part of my problem with mood swings. Since the death, I don't cook as healthy as I did. Comfort food stills reigns the day around here. For me, that means lots of treats. I don't deny me or the kids anything. Well, within reason. I went to my sons jazz concert last night at their school. It was fun, but I sure did miss my husband sitting next to me. Do you think we are living in purgatory? Peace to all who come here.

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with the "paper". It's frustrating and hurtful to have to constantly explain our situations. It is like rubbing salt in the wounds. Where are you guys headed? How are the kids doing?

I don't know if we are living in purgatory. Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished on the days where I feel overwhelmed.

[mishknit]

Linda...

i do plant marigoilds, but in the summer, so not much help now..and i don't really know how much help they are anyway. I've thought about trying the beer thing, but i don't want to reward those little suckers! LOL!

sidvis...so sorry you have to carry that paper around with you, i hadn't thought of that at all. I imagine that i'll have to do the same if we ever go out of the country...is it until they're 18? Yikes!

I love dahlias too anna...here in CA i had them growing beautifully until last month, when we had a 2 night freeze (pretty unheard of!)....they just turned black..it was very sad. We'll see if the tubers are dead, but the plants sure were. We just had some much needed rain, and i'm so mad i haven't

started working in my back yard yet....but, gotta let it go, i can only do what i can do. Meanwhile, my daffodils are coming up, and that makes me smile1

take care all, have good days,

michele

[armaiti]

HI everyone...I had a dream this morning that had upset me, where Ishaq was there and he had left me and I knew he was with someone else, though I never saw her. It was very upsetting and when I woke up I figured it was my own pyschological stuff - abandoment issues and such. But it still was upsetting. Then as I'm laying there the phone rings and it's my friend from Ashland, the ER nurse who couldn't come on our anniversary and ended up taking care of the woman with the brain surgery, Ishaq's best friend's girlfriend. Well, the phone call was to tell me the girlfriend had died last night. Ishaq's friend was able to get there just in time to say goodbye.

I told my friend about the dream, and she said she thought it was because Ishaq needed to be with the woman who had crossed over to help guide her. I said, but her name isn't Shanti, and that's the name of the woman in the dream. Then my friend says, Shanti was her middle name! So it seems clearer now - in a way Ishaq is letting me know he won't be around me quite as much for a bit, as he is helping her with her new transtition. At least that's what I think. I heard a screech owl last night too, here where I'ven ever heard one, just hooting like crazy - for lots of Native peoples the owl often comes to let you know of the passing of a friend or loved one.

At least she isn't suffering anymore - she was having a terrible time after the brain surgery with swelling and side effects, and wasn't going to get beterr. But it's so sad, she was only 39, a lovely woman.

I'm too sad to write much more now,

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- that's incredible about your dream! I'm sorry you are sad.

[mishknit]

Anna...

i am also sorry that you are sad...loss is so hard.

But what an incredible dream....i am amazed by that! Maybe ishaq was also showing you how people come to help, and how he was also helped in his transition. How comforting is that?

Thanks for posting this....and sharing such a personal story.

Michele

[armaiti]

Thanks April and Michele - I'm feeling tired, but a bit better...I'm glad I got to spend time with her at Thanksgiving.

Ishaq's teacher, Moineddin, came to help guide him in his transition...at the river, when he passed, his friend Tony said two geese came flying over and one looked at Tony and honked, then they flew away around the bend. Ishaq's teacher used to sing that old Frankie Lane song "wild goose, wild goose", and many friends who knew him said that he had come to guide Ishaq on his way. And several people had dreams where Ishaq was with a man with darker hair they didn't recognize...my neighbor's daughter said he was walking behind Ishaq holding his spirit in her dream! So I knew Ishaq was being guided as well.

And I've had lots of dreams with him that are good dreams, with him being happy and relaxed.

It is comforting to me to have these experiences, to know that when I cross over my beloved Ishaq will be there, and our other friends and family too who have crossed over. But for now, I'm realizing there is a lot of beauty here and we have to do our best to live the best lives we can, even with all the suffering around us. My friend from Ashland was crying on the phone this morning, telling me I better take care of myself because she couldn't stand to lose me too. She sees so much death and suffering in her job as an ER nurse, and she is such a gentle hearted person I don't know how she does it day after day. I told her not to worry, I had no plans to leave this earthplane anytime soon.

I also totally lost it last night at the end of Grey's Anatomy...which probably didn't help the way I was feeling today. It just made me think of me and Ishaq so much. (I won't go into details in case someone hasn't seen it yet)

Love,

Anna

[mishknit]

i don't watch much tv..so...

i just want to say that i have taken much solace from your postings anna.....really, just thank you. I appreciate and respect any religious or spiritual path, and particularly respect those who claim it as their own way, without thinking others should join them.

for some reason, i have been particularly comforted by your posts, and , like the ancestor altar i have that i didn't realize I had, it resonates for me.

I'm not, or ever sure, what it all means, but i thank you for your input....it helps.

tonight i am here, my son has a friend over..maybe we'll watch a movie later. I'm lonely...i have been in a lonely place lately. Not the place that anyone can fill...tom could fill it. maybe someone else...i just don't know. But it isn't nice.....

i'm glad for this site and another i post on...people to talk to.

Michele

[sidvis]

Anna, I too am glad you post here. Some of the things you write really resonate with me too. You confirm alot of my instincts. I thank you. Michele, it is so lonely sometimes. But I try to be grateful for having my boys in the house. I know it won't be forever, so I try to be glad for each day. They really do give a meaning to my life. I keep telling myself that by the time they leave home I will have figured out what I will fill my life with. My family has been my main focus for such a long time now. I know this is nothing new to most women. It is just something I think about alot, then I go back to the one day at a time way of life. It really is the easiest way. The parental permission thing is 18. We are going to Cozumel, Mexico over the spring break. My sister is going with us. It will be nice to get away. peace

[rodless]

Anna, I also appreciate your posts and find your way of belief interesting. I looked up some information on Sufi so that I could understand a little better. Grey's Anatomy got to me, too. The idea that "Denny" could feel such a loss was depressing. I hope that isn't true because I visualize our loved ones as content and peaceful. Rod has been with me a lot this week... I continue to read lots of different ideas on the afterlife and find that they all (no matter how wild or different) give me something to think about.

Michele, it's funny how sometimes the lonliness hits really hard. When the time is right you'll meet someone else and it will be okay in a different way than Tom. I can't imagine another relationship (the thought of taking the time an effort to establish one is exhausting) for me right now but I know I will be open to it later. Won't go looking but will not be afraid to think about it.

For any of you movie people, I went to "Because I Said So" last night with 5 friends and we laughed until we cried, especially those of us who have daughters. Since we all have mothers, we all identified. The reviews weren't good but I think it was well worth the price of admission. Hope all are having a good weekend. It's ice, frizzle and snow here... up to 10 inches by tomorrow night. Yuck. Mary Jo

[loosingeddie]

Anna, I also appreciate your posts and find your way of belief interesting. I looked up some information on Sufi so that I could understand a little better. Grey's Anatomy got to me, too. The idea that "Denny" could feel such a loss was depressing. I hope that isn't true because I visualize our loved ones as content and peaceful. Rod has been with me a lot this week... I continue to read lots of different ideas on the afterlife and find that they all (no matter how wild or different) give me something to think about.

Michele, it's funny how sometimes the lonliness hits really hard. When the time is right you'll meet someone else and it will be okay in a different way than Tom. I can't imagine another relationship (the thought of taking the time an effort to establish one is exhausting) for me right now but I know I will be open to it later. Won't go looking but will not be afraid to think about it.

For any of you movie people, I went to "Because I Said So" last night with 5 friends and we laughed until we cried, especially those of us who have daughters. Since we all have mothers, we all identified. The reviews weren't good but I think it was well worth the price of admission. Hope all are having a good weekend. It's ice, frizzle and snow here... up to 10 inches by tomorrow night. Yuck. Mary Jo

[loosingeddie]

OOOOPS I DO NOT KNOW HOW I DID THAT LOL....... WELL ITS BEEN A REAL LONG TIME SINCE I POSTED THE KIDS AND I ARE DOING O.K. BUT IT IS A DAILEY STRUGGLE STILL WITH MISSING EDDIE...... I AM TAKING ONLINE COURSES NOW... AND GETTING READY TO PURCHASE A HOUSE SOON.....ON MARCH 1ST IT WILL BE 18 MONTHS NOW SINCE I LOSSED EDDIE.... WOW.... CAN'T REALLY SAY TIME HAS FLOWN BY FAST AS EACH DAY IS A STRUGGLE SOME WORSE THEN OTHERS.... STAYING BUSY HELPS SOME.... KIDS AND I GOT ANOTHER DOG FOR CHRISTMAS AND NAMED HIM BEAR NOW WE HAVE TWO PEKIGNESE THEY ARE SO CUTE... AND WHAT PERSONALITIES THEY HAVE LOL ANYWAYS I SEE WE HAVE SOME NEW ONES TO THE GROUP..... I ENJOYED CATCHING UP ON POSTINGS..... WELL OFF TO GET READY FOR BED AS I AM WORN OUT.. THE KIDS SING IN CHURCH TOMORROW AT 8:30 SO GUESS WE BETTER GET SOME REST...... PEACE TO YOU ALL... AND MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU....

[aprilmoonflower]

Loosingeddie- I wondered where you had been! Glad to see you popping back in here!

[missyouhoney811]

I actually had a good week. Had my hair done - went to John's favorite restaurant Bravo's. The manager offered me 2 days a week as lunch time hostess (to get me out of the house). I thanked him and said that I would think about it. I met with my new friend (Celeste) had dinner. She seems to be a very nice person. Her husband travels alot but she also has a full time job that keeps her busy. She brought me a flowered plant which had a butterfly on the base (how about that). I made reservations to fly to Naples, Florida on Marach 14th - to drink green beer with my sister and brother-in-law. Maybe the sun will give me a happy spirit. I also had Sherman groomed. Looked at furniture. Picked up 4 butterfly stepping stones for the yard. I was actually feeling good. My tears started on Friday evening which made me cancell out for my son's house warming party on saturday. He was expecting 45 guest. I got as far as taking a shower. I could not go. So here I am being moody, mad, sad and crying. I know how sick my husband was. All the many trips to the hospital. I just excepted it as my normal way of life. Sitting in the hospital. Oh God I miss him so.

God Bless All...........Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Maybe the reason I am feeling this way is because tomorrow 3/26 would have been our Church Wedding Anniversary. We got married twice. First anniversary by a judge on 9/27/75 and second anniversary in church was on 2/26/77.

[missyouhoney811]

SORRY - I SHOULD PROOF READ BEFORE POSTING - I AM MAKING GOOFY MISTAKES TODAY.

[mishknit]

Dorothy....

I'm sorry you're feeling bad now, but it sounds like you had a great week..and that's good. that;s the way this mess goes....waves and waves, great days followed by not being able to move. It sucks, and yet it shows healing, i think, and that's to be grateful for. i like the idea of the job..what a nice man! let us know what you decide, ok? hang in there dorothy....

Today I plan on wallowing in the academy awards. this was always a big thing with tom and i..we'd see all the movies, we'd vote..usually be at a party, but even those years that we watched alone, it was a party. Last year I went to a party..determined to have a good time..absolutely determined!!!!LOL!!!! I guess you can guess what happaned (mind you it was only a little over a month since tom died)...martini's and no food (i still wasn't really eating then) and trying so hard to keep it down, not a good combo. when the In Memorium section came on..i totally lost it, as did everyone else at the party,,,,thank god i was with good friends who held me up and sobbed with me. But...i wonder why i haven't been invited to any parties this year ??LOLOLOLO!!!!

So tonite I made a delicious (i hope) new crock pot dinner for my son and i, have a nice bottle of wine cooling, and, if i cry..well...i'll cry.

and...i haven't seen any of the movies..well..only 3, so i don't really know or care who's going to win, so i can just hopefully enjoy the mindlessness of it all.

hope you all have a good night...i have a little story about what i did last night, but too long to write now. It was funny tho, and I'll come back on either later tonite or tomorrow to post it1

michele

[Guest Guest]

How long does this go on? I lost my husband six months ago after a long battle with cancer. Instead of getting easier, it seems like it is getting more difficult to be without him.

[armaiti]

Dear Guest - I lost my partner almost seven months ago, and it does seem harder to me in these last couple of months than in the beginning. I think when it first happens you have so much to deal with, and you are in shock, that a lot of the loneliness doesn't settle in until later, when there's not people calling you all the time, or sending cards or condolences...at least that's how it's been for me. Also, winter doesn't help - both of our partners would have passed in summer, and the cold dark winter can be depressing anyway.

This is a good place to land, though, and to look for support. I am sorry you have had to come here, but if I can be of support, I will be.

Peace,

Anna

[loosingeddie]

HELLO EVERYONE! GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU APRILMOONFLOWER, YES IT HAD BEEN AWHILE.... WELL TODAY THE KIDS SANG AT CHURCH AND THEN WE WENT OUT FOR A BITE... AND CAME ON HOME THE WEATHER HERE HAS BEEN YUCKY RAIN... EEEEW LOL GUEST.............I REMEMBER WHAT YOUR FEELING WELL WHEN THINGS CALM DOWN IT REALLY HITS.....AND YES THE WINTER CAN ADD TO THE DEPRESSION.... IT HAS BEEN 18 MONTHS ALMOST FOR ME AND IT STILL GETS ROUGH AT TIMES THE UP AND DOWN WAVES..... SEEM LIKE THEY WILL NEVER END...ONE DAY I AM LOOKING AROUND GOING I AM DOING GOOD AND LIFE STARTS LOOKING UP AGAIN AND THEN BLAM HERE COMES ANOTHER WAVE.... I HAVE LEARNED TO JUST RIDE WITH THEM AS YOU DO COME OUT OF EACH ONE....MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU....AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE ON THIS BOARD.... GLAD WE CAN ALL BE HERE TO LEND A HAND IN THIS PROCESS PEACE TO ALL.............

[kathy51]

Hi..i lost my husband almost nine months ago unexpectly.Ever since about the 1rst month after his death i HAVE BEEN HAVING THESE DREAMS.They are always the same.He has left me for another woman..much younger..and I dont understand why..but he always says he doesnt love me anymore.and that he loves her..I dont know who HER is but i know it is always the same young woman..He didnt cheat on me and i didnt on him either..Strange Dreams..My daughter-in-law says my subcontious could be upset for him for leaving me alone...I am not upset at him at all.He would not have left me if he could have helped it.Has anyone else experienced anything like this?or am I just plain Crazy

[sandra748]

I went through his belongings almost immediately after the funeral, but there are still odds and ends. I find that I want to hang on to those. I love those little reminders. A shirt here, razors and aftershave there, his beloved Bible (my treasure). I see those things now and the memories are bittersweet. It hurts and feels good at the same time. I HATE being without my partner but can't imagine my being with anyone else. How long before you can move on?