I Miss Him So...

[mariemikey]

Aprilmoonflower:

I liked your advice for Kathy about 1 hour at a time. I've been taking a day at a time, but on harder days instead of watching the clock until bedtime, I'm going to try that.

[rodless]

Somedays even an hour at a time is too much..break it down if you need to. Rod's birthday is April 7 and I already have the day scheduled off. I think it will be harder than mine was. And since it is Easter weekend I am going to my daughters I guess although as usual I'd rather stay home. Our anniversary was 23 days after he died and my birthday 4 days later so I've been there, done that. I have found that anticipating is sometimes worse than experiencing but I am dreading April 7 as he was really into having birthdays, especially the last few years.

Hope you all have a good day. I have a scottish terrier who gets me out of bed in the morning. I have to get up to go to work but she keeps me rolling on weekends. Walking her at the cemetery is one of my peaceful times. She's good company. Doesn't care if I cry or talk. Have the best day you can. Mary Jo

[rodless]

btw... Dreamgirls is good. Took me a little while to get into it. We had 25 at our little gathering. Lots of lonely women out there. I also saw The Queen and really liked it. Always have been interested in the royals, what a way to live. MJ

[mariemikey]

Mary jo:

I saw the Queen also. I have a lot of books on the royals. I think they're interesting too.

I had to have an additional therapy session last night before I went to bed. I wasn't that it was an emergency, it was more just some things I needed to talk through with my therapist.

I think you're right about the anticipation of the holiday or birthday is sometimes worse than getting through the actual day. I have been upset about Mike's birthday for about 2 weeks now and it isn't until next week.

Things seem to be coming to a close as far as the paperwork, selling the house, things like that. I am hoping that will help so I can just think about my memories of him and what to do with the rest of my life.

How did you ladies do that?

Did anyone consider career changes, school? I don't know. I feel like a need a change and to make sure I can support myself without him so I was thinking of going back to school just for 2 years though. I was a secretary but I am afraid that I will need a more stable job field going into the future, but I am also 37 and am scared that no one will hire out of school since there will be so many people younger. Am I just overthinking?

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- I think if you are wanting to go to school you should go for it! You're never too old! I would just start looking around at colleges,technical,voactional schools then go from there. I know how hard it is to start a career from scratch. I am in the middle of it! I Have not worked in 5 years and I am currently taking a bunch of writing classes (online) and also do a little freelance writing from home (just starting out, the pay is soso but I am getting my work out there). I am 32 and I have several things I could do (I was a hairstylist for 10 years, also I am a licsensed massage & shiatsu therapist and I'm also a trained labor/birth doula) but right now I am not willing to put my kids in daycare! Also for bodywork I don't want to work on other's because I am too sad and just not ready now (transferance and all). SOmeday I will likely do massage and shiatsu out of my home but not until the kids are much older! I plan to homeschool my kids too, so it would be ideal if I could work from home during those years.

[mariemikey]

Aprilmoonflower:

You are right...I should go far it. Being around people would do me a world of good too. I had gotten a administrative medical asst certificate about 3 years ago and liked the medical courses. I was thinking a two year program at the community college...like dental hygiene, radiography/x-ray technician or something like that. I could work part time. I thought of trade schools but they are really expensive and I want to save as much money as I can, plus I've gone to trade school and getting ajob wasn't any easier. I'm rambling.

I just have to get out of this apartment more too. I like being home, but at this point it's not relaxing for me, it's sad getting everything settled and lonely too.

[mariemikey]

What kind of topics do you write about?

[aprilmoonflower]

Mariemikey- it sounds like you are on the right track! DOn't be afraid of trade school because of $$ alot of time they have finacial aide programs and you could even apply for grants.

I am sorry you are lonley. I have been there and still am at times. We all know that lonlieness I think. You will get past it in time (or figure out how to deal with it better in any case) so just know you won't feel like this forever. btw have you thought of getting a puppy or a kitten? all of us here who have small animals seem to appreciate them alot! not sure if you are able in an apartment but it's a thought!

btw we are getting a flock of chickens tomorrow! lol. I am turning our property into a small hobby farm. (that and I desperatley need natural scorpion control) DH would be laughing (but in a proud sort of way) if he were here! I also planted 3 blueberry bushes this morning. MY almost 3yo and I are baking bread this afternoon. I am just trying to keep busy! It helps be from getting depressed.

btw I can write about whatever I choose! (that's the beauty of freelance work!)

[mariemikey]

I do have a kitty cat. I don't know what I do without her. I think a lot of what I feel sad about is when something comes up in a day that is a reminder that he is gone. Like, today, the paperwork from the title company for the sale of our house came. That was sad but at the same time I know that it is a sign of things moving on and that I won't always have those sad things to deal with. Soon, I will be able to remember the good times in our house as opposed to the sad fact that I had to sell it. I refuse to live my life in misery though. I've also looked into hobbies that I have or wanted to take up again. I admire you for keeping busy; once I get some more of these things behind me I will be able to do the same....I want to visit the community college, maybe get a part time job, but my time frame is March. That is when the house and the personal effects I have to send out will be done with and behind me. Do I send silly? I am also going to call a friend of mine that I told I would call to go out for cofffee or lunch with when I felt better, but getting out will make me feel better.

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- yeah just getting out for a little bit will help! go to the bookstore/library and browse about your hobbies,etc! Call your friend! You will feel better I promise! But if you don't feel like it, it's ok too! I know how hard the first months are, time will help. Be gentle with yourself! Isn't it awful I can't remember much about last year? some key points but otherwise it's all a fog!

[mariemikey]

As I was reading your response about going to the bookstore/library, I actually felt a little relieved because those are things are always liked to do. I also started reading again the other night in bed. Only a few pages, but it's a start. It's only one of those cat mysteries by Lilian Braun. I can't read those crime stories anymore...james patterson etc. They are too...distburbing. I like light reading. Do you like to read?

It isn't awful that you can't remember much about last year. Maybe it's a way of your husband protecting you. I really do belief they are watching out for all of us.

[aprilmoonflower]

oh I love to read too! anything like true crime or horror,mystery,etc. it doensn't bother me. I will read pretty much anything really, but scifi (Which DH left stacks and stacks of sci fi books,eek) I am saving those for the kids I guess!

I think the bookstore is a great idea because then you don't have to talk or socialize unless you want to!

[mariemikey]

I think that is nice that you are saving those books for the kids.

I'm not a big sci fi reader either.

How did you get involved in freelance writing?

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- I have always been a writer (Poetry is my thing) but have decided I want to get paid now! I have started through www.associatedcontent.com You should check it out and submit some stuff, if you like to write! (this includes anyonme else out there interested!) I am hoping it will lead to some higher paying jobs. there are tons of content writing jobs out there though!eventually I want to self publish a book of poetry. and maybe write some children's books! I have several people wanting me to do an ebook but just not sure about that! so I am just taking classes for now and doing this in between (When theirs time!) I have several articles I need to edit and submit! I just started about 3 weeks ago so I don't have much up yet!

[armaiti]

April - I think that's great that you are writing! I went and checked out the website and registered as well...I do quite a bit of writing, and poetry. (I've put a couple of my poems to Ishaq on this forum and on the "memories" forum. And getting chickens! I always wanted to have chickents but always traveled around too much. There was guy who had some around the corner, and they were BIG - Rhode Island Reds that used to come into the yard and terrorize my cats!

Mariemikey - my cats have kept me going as well - at least two of them. I have a really old cat that has always been a "problem" cat, and now she's started peeing in the house again, so she's been banished to the outdoors. It's no so cold anymore, and I made her a nice bed in the covered walkway to our carport, so she seems to be doing ok. But the baby (well, eight months old) and my wonderful 10 year old, Akbar, keep me going. I remember a few days after Ishaq had crossed over, I was laying in bed with Akbar, and he'd been looking around for Ishaq, so I was talking to him and saying how Ishaq would still be around, but not in his body. And Akbar sat up right then and looked right at Ishaq's picture that was next to the bed. He stared right at it for fifteen or twenty seconds, like he was listening to something or someone...

We also planted a tree on a friend's land and put some of Ishaq's ashes under it, and one of the cats that lives there jumped into the hole with the ashes and was playing with something we couldn't see. Cats are pretty amazing that way!

Hope you all have a good day,

Peace,

Anna Armaiti

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- somehow I had a feeling you were a writer and would register at AC! too funny!?!

[aprilmoonflower]

btw there are some great healing writing classes at www.selfhealingexpressions.com (not where I am currently taking classes but I have taken a class here before and it is wonderful!) they also have some nice guided meditations up on the site.they also have a class designed specifically for grief too, so if you like to write check it out! (they aren't too terribly expensive)

[mariemikey]

Thanks. I will go up there and take a look. I looked at the associated contact site, but got interrupted so I want to go back up there and take a closer look.

[justamom]

Does anyone else have a harder time with the day after a holiday? It seams to me that I get so prepared for the "holiday" anniversary, birthday etc. that I get through that okay and then the days following are absolutely horrible. Had a terrible day yesterday cried and cried all evening. Just so sad. I miss Steve more now I think for some reason. Don't know why it's worse but it is. Hope you are all doing okay. Spending my day cleaning my house and going to therapy. Talk soon. Lisa

[mariemikey]

Justamom:

I don't think I have noticed that is around the holiday or special. I have experienced just missing him more on some days than others even when it's not around a holiday. Did you feel it as soon as you woke up this morning or is it getting to be more as the morning progresses?

[aprilmoonflower]

Lisa- I know what you are talking about. I think it's an expectation thing as well as the finality of it hitting you OVER and OVER. I felt that when it was the first anniversary of his death, our anniversary,his bday,etc. I just tell myself it's just another day, in my head I know that's true, and life really does go on. but in my heart it's NOT just another day and time has kind of stopped for me. The pain just cuts deeper and deeper. in so many ways as time goes on, things get harder, they also get easier in some small ways too. I am sure you realize this. hang in there. I too need to clean the house today! ugh. not my favorite thing to do at all! lol.

Mariemikey- how are you doing today?

[mariemikey]

Aprilmoonflower is right. It's the "firsts" that are really hard. It's hard to tell your heart that it is just another day. Our hearts know better. I know that life goes on, but some days are definitely harder than others and I am hoping once I get involved in school or work and leave the apartment more and probably interacting with others at work or school will help.

Lisa: Do you feel lonelier on these days after the holidays than on other days?

I went for a walk today, but it felt good to get out of the apartment. Unfortunately, my car is kinda snowed in, so I don't want to dig it out since there is nothing that has to get done today requiring it.

Justbroken and Sidvis:

How are you ladies today?

[rodless]

Lisa, I think there is a let down after every special day. The build up is bad, then the day isn't so bad and then there's nothing and you realize that there was no reason to celebrate anyway and then you crash. And maybe the second time around will be worst than the first when you were in such shock that you didn't really care what day it was. Make sense? Take care! Mary Jo

[darleneandhunter]

Hey ladies!

Been an absentee for a while(again).

I was just finding the last few weeks rough. I thought I was doing well, but I realloy wasn't. I tried not to give myself any predispositions about VDay, but between my two older kids being jerks,my youngest son, VDay, and the total loneliness I have been feeling without Mark, I just kinda had a meltdown over the last few days.

Not the kind where you are in bed all day, just the kind where all I did was check my mail, do some ebay work, and ignore the phone whenever it rang.

On the plus side, I did well with my procedure, but I do have coronary artery disease. I have 2 arteries that are 60% blocked, and one 70% blocked. The up side is that my doctors and I think I can fix this with their help, and major diet changes. I still have three perfectly clear arteries, which gives me the leverage I need to get myself better. Otherwise, we are talking triple bypass surgery, something I just don't need right now.

I had previously already started making changes, but it was slow and half-heartedly. I knew that the way I was eating since Mark died was going to cause me problems. At that point, however, I just didn't have the will to care. I was eating out of boxes and frozen packages, just for the sake of convenience. I was getting very little fresh foods. As a result, I put on nearly 50 lbs, and my son has also gained weight. Being a diabetic, I didn't dive into the pasteries and sweets, but I had my small bouts. I had also gone back to smoking cigarettes the day of his death, and I have been smoking ever since.

So, today starts the rest of my life. I still have some packaged foods around, but only because I cannot afford just to waste them by throwing them away. However, as they deplete, I am replacing them with healthier foods as in whole grains, fresh or frozen vegetables, and low cholesterol foods. My worst enemy is fatty foods. I LOVE fried foods, and that was blatantly obvious. I have gone nearly caffeine free, except for my one cup of tea in the morning. I did that months ago. I saw the nurse practitioner in my Dr's office several days ago, and I now have a quit smoking plan under way. My insurance pays for a program, but if I go back to smoking, they won't pay for it again. I have the first installment of the nicotine patch sitting right on my desk as a reminder to keep me motivated.

I am going through all the psychological steps it takes to put smoking down for good. No one else in my house smokes, and most of my friends never did smoke, or quit years ago. I had quit for a long time, but Mark's death brought on a stress that I just couldn't handle. Over the weekend, I am getting rid of all smoking materials, accept for the number of cigarettes I have, I am going to throw away all but one ashtray, and I am going to febreeze my house to within an inch of it's life. I will make sure that all trash cans containing cigarette butts are emptied, so I don't smell them.

None of this will be easy. In fact, it would probably be easier if I just say screw it, and let them do the bypass. However, doing the bypass without changing would be futile. I have been saying all along that I want to be here for my 7 year old, and that's what I am gonna do.

Since this post was much longer than I intended it to be, I will leave it at that, and come back later and discuss all the unfortunate new members, and the goings on, other than my personal BS...lol.

[mariemikey]

Darleneandhunter:

Thank you for sharing your story. I could really relate to the way your describe the really rough times, being able to get out bed, but checking mail and ebay, and not answering the phone. I have days like that....too many. I have been trying to make plans for the rest of my life as everything I need to take care with Michael's estate slows down and doesn't require as much of my time as it does now to get everything dealt with.

The only things I seem to find any kind of relief (for lack of a better word) is this support message board, my cats, and my therapist who does phone therapy sessions with me since I no longer live in that state and don't want to start up witha new therapist. I have called her on a few occassions and left her voice mails when I was crying and at my worst....messages that on my o.k. days I feel embarrassed about. I don't want her to think I'm pathetic.

I don't know why I am so blue today. Michael's birthday is Monday, maybe it is just the anticipation about it.

[mishknit]

Hi all..

this is a quicky..my son is off school today and i am playing chauffere for all of his plans..sheesh..wish i had some! LOL

anyway....for everyone, but especially anna... i get this daily think in my emau=il...the daily OM...it is very cool. It's free..you just sign up, and it comes everyd ay. Sometimes it is so right on to what i need it's amazing, and i alwyas like to have a little challenge every day...helps me to think differently.

anyway, todays was about creating an alter....and since we've been talking a little about that, and i know anna has one..i just thought i'd share the site. If anyone likes it, great, if not....great too.

it's just www.dailyom.com...

darlene, good to hear from you, and know that all of us here will hve yoiur back as you make these important changes!

havea a good day all,

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

darlene-I know making the diet changes & quitting smoking aren't going to be easy, but you can do it!!! I also know that feeling of blahness where you don't want to do anything. I have days and weeks like that. just be easy on yourself! it's ok. if you need to stay in bed longer and not answer the phone, so be it!

michele- I am going to check that site out! thanks for posting it! I need some inspiration.

maryjo- how are you doing?

mariemikey- I'm so sorry about your DH upcoming bday. are you planning to do something that day? I find it helps a bit when I make plans and surround myself with others. it helps me feel better and I don't wallow half as much as I would alone. anyway just a suggestion. I know you are in a new town and all so it might be more difficult for you. maybe you could do something for yourself though, like go get a massage?

btw my solace is hot soaks in the bath w/ a glass of wine.

[mariemikey]

Aprilmoonflower:

I am living just a few minutes from my sister. She will be working that day, but I also talk to her on the phone on the days that we don't get a chance to see each other. She always checks in with me on the difficult days. We never really celebrated birthdays on birthdays, we also said happy birthday, gave each other a card...he always gave me such beautifully written ones that he wrote. I don't know what I plan to do with the exception of the therapy appointment I have. I was going to go to a church a light a candle, but I don't think I am ready for that this year. I was thinking next year. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a coward. I always did things for him that were special when he least expected it. I always told him that I liked doing that because it was always a pleasant surprise for him.

I was thinking about him a lot today. I think I am anticipating his birthday. We really did give each unconditional love and he taught me so much about love, loyalty, protection, and security. I miss him so much, but he would be proud of me seeing how I am handling all this and making good decisions. He taught me that also.

Sorry to ramble.....

Darlene:

I am rooting for you. YOu can do it though. I know that feeling of blahness well. I sometimes feel guilty for allowing myself to not answer the phone or just have a quiet day at home. THrough you ladies and therapy, I have learned that that is o.k.

Sidvis and Justbroken: Thinking of you.

[sidvis]

mariemikey- You are nice to ask about me. I am fine. Although I am a bit stressed out about tax season. My husband always took care of all of that. Last year was easy because it was basically the same as always. But this year it is just me. I have a tax preparer, so really it is no sweat, it is just one of those things I am not comfortable with. Life is crummy even without the taxes. I am ready for winter to be over, I guess. Sometimes the changing of the seasons really gets me down because it just reminds me of the passing of so much time without my partner. I wonder if it will always be this way. Birthdays are crap. Remember it is just another day. Off subject, do you know what DH,lol, and BTW mean in internet speak? I am so new to this I have no idea. About the birthday, I just remembered what I thought on the 1st anniversary, it is that I didn't feel more sad or more devastated than any other day that had come before. Just because it was a certain day on the calendar it didn't increase my pain. How could there be more?

[bsnurse76]

Hope everyone is doing well. I was reading the discussions and it got me thinking about the one year anniversary of his death and our birthdays. Darren died on my birthday, so I don't know what to even anticipate my emotions will be on that day. His birthday is the next day. It will be a hard week. I have already taken off work for that week. It is still several months away but it still crosses my mind. I use to look forward to my birthday now I fear that day and the memories it holds. The autopsy results are suppose to be finalized so hopefully I will find out what was going on that evening. Everyone is in my thoughts. Thanks for listening. Brandi

[sidvis]

Here is something my counselor told me about anticipating events, remember your reaction can be a "self-fulfilling" prophecy. Don't set yourself up. Time passes, and time heals. Give yourself a break.

[aprilmoonflower]

sidvis- I'm glad you are still here! =)

btw=by the way

DH=dear/darling husband

[lindat]

Sidvis - lol = laughing out loud.

[mishknit]

you're right, sidvis....another day on the calendar..how could there be more pain?

and the anticipation has always been worse for me than the actual day too, we do set ourselves up, i think. That being said.....

brandi....i think you've made an wonderful decision to take that week off.....2 birthdays and the 1 year anniversary deserve time off from everything. And whether it's hard or easier than you expect, you get to have time for yourself, and that's what's really important, i think. Alone, with friends...however you choose to spend that time, but it is YOUR time.

God, sometimes i read all of this and just am amazed at how strong we are. I know we don't always feel it, but Damn! we are fine, strong, supportive, loving and amazing women.

I am proud to "know" all of you

michele

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I am glad you are here. I think it is a good idea to get a tax preparer. My husband used ot do our taxes himself, but I feel better with a tax person doing them. Birthdays are just another day and I do think that the anticipation is worst than the actual day, probably why I've been feeling so bad lately. Your therapist is right. I woke up this a.m. and was a little angry. I was talking to Michael. I told him that I can't stand all this pain...how could he do this to me. He always told me how much he loved me and how miserable he would be without me.

On his birthday, it's kinda wierd, but I have a normal vet appointment for the cat's exam. I didn't plan it that way it was just the day it got scheduled and I realized it later. I was gonna call and move it, but thought, what else am I gonna do? Sit home and feel bad.

I've been noticing fresh air and walks (small ones) are making me feel better. It is sunny here, but so cold.

Brandi:

I think that is a good idea, too. Taking off on that week might also the anticipation of them...knowing that you don't have to go to work and that you can do whatever you need to that day?

Michele:

I think we are all strong too and it helps for me to talk to you all each day.

Thank You.

[missyouhoney811]

Good Morning Everyone..I have been snowed in since monday evening. I treated this week as I would if DH would still be with me. I cooked every night. If we were stuck in the house due to weather conditions it seemed he was extra hungry all the time so now I have so many leftovers which my son will pick up today. Cooking actually made me feel good. I was doing something, made alot of goodies that John would have loved. I talk and talk to him constantly. Miss him terribly - I always will.

I gave myself a treat two weeks ago. I had my nails done. John always liked a french manicure on me. I met a women we started to talk and she asked for my number. She called the other evening. I am so happy to make some sort of contact with the outside world. We are meeting for dinner and conversation (which I need) I mentioned before I have no real friends. This will be good for me.

As far as taxes I always took care of them even when DH was well. You might say I was a product of the 60's we were strong brave women. It was during the late 60's that women actually started to wear slacks to work. Before we had to wear the dresses or suits. How boring.

Tonight my son is taking me to a concert to see Rod Stewart. Should be interesting. We will see how I handle this. It's been a long time since I went out to have fun.

You are all in my thoughts. God Bless

Dorothy

[mariemikey]

Dorothy:

I have just moved back here from where I was living with my hubby. Even though this is where I am from and where my family is, I only have two friends that I was able to keep in touch with throughout the years and that's only with xmas cards and the occassional call or email. I have been in touch with them since and I promised I would call them back when I was feeling better to go out to lunch or coffee or something. I told my therapist that and she said there will never be a perfect time and it would be a good idea to do it ASAP. I will, I just feel like I need to take care of other things first....things like maybe school...I don't know.

I hope you enjoy the concert! I know it's hard to enjoy yourself without John. He would want you. I, like you, talk to my husband constantly. It comforts me.

I am so glad that you made a new friend. It will be so nice for you to be able to go out and have dinner. I think it's definitely a positive step. I don't have any real friends either and know how lonely that is. I am hoping to make some friends in school and work.

My thoughts are with you.

[missyouhoney811]

MARIEMIKEY

I agree with your therapist I know its hard but it would be good for you to go out for lunch or dinner. Call someone, you have family, friends. Don't be alone. I know we feel safe while in our home. I fully believe even when I am out and about I still have John's spirit with me no matter where I am. He travels in the car with me. Think about it and try to get out.

I don't think I mentioned this to anyone before BUT for my Christmas present to myself I purchased tickets to see the Medium "John Edards" He will be in Pittsburgh on October 10th. He will be doing a Seminar with limited seating. My son will be going with me. What do you think about this?

Take Care and God Bless.

[aprilmoonflower]

Missyouhoney811- Awesome about The John Edward tix! I almost went to see him in Cali. 6mo after DH died, but I chickened out! (DH and I used to watch that show together all the time when we had cable!) Please make sure to come back here and post about it even if you don't get read!!!

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- if you don't feel ready to socialize it's ok! you don't have to do it ASAP (I disagree w/ your therapist on that) but I am sure she is just trying to help you and give you a shove in the right direction and knows the situation better than I! I just don't beleive in forcing socialization. you either want to or not. period. there's no point in forcing yourself and then dreading every minute of it (I've so been there and it's not fun and it's draining!) maybe just call up your friend and touch base, without a committment, then go from there? I know how hard it is. especially if you have been out of contact. You will meet new people and friends though, as time goes on!

[mariemikey]

Dorothy:

I think the John Edwards tix are an excellent idea. Maybe I should see if he will be in my area.

Aprilmoonflower:

You understand it exactly....I have gone out with my sister and sometimes, I have a really good time...like when I got my hair done and we went to dinner; other times I find that I watch the clock until I can come home because I feel sad and don't feel like having anyone constantly see me like that or they won't want to ever be around me. My therapist is just trying to push me in the right direction, but unfortunately, just like the way I keep in touch with friends from Washington I made over the last 5 years or so, I prefer phone and email contact for now and the visits I have with my sister. Does that sound silly?

[armaiti]

Good morning everyone. It is a bright sunny day here in my part of Oregon. It’s been cloudy and rainy and it’s nice to see the sun.

Last night I played guitar and led a dance at one of our bi-monthly Dances of Universal Peace (Sufi Dancing) gatherings. I’ve been practicing the guitar a lot since Ishaq was always the guitar player and I was the drummer. But now if I want to lead a dance I need to play the guitar. I’ve actually played since I was thirteen, but he was a lot better than me, so I just let him play. Then I met one of my friends at the monthly belly dance show that our local guild puts on. I saw a lot of dancers who are friends and know about me and Ishaq since we were in the band that worked with a lot of them, and we’ve played at this show too. It was the first time I felt like going out to an event that was just a “fun” event. On some level I just felt I couldn’t enjoy myself without Ishaq, but I had a good time. Even had a glass of wine…I’ve stopped drinking very much as if I have a glass of wine at home it makes me depressed. We live in an area with tons of wineries, and Ishaq and I often went out on the weekend into the country and did wine tasting events.

Tonight a friend is having his 60th birthday party. At first I was thinking I wouldn’t go, that I wasn’t ready to “party”…but the more I think about it today, I think I will go. For one thing, who knows how many more birthdays this man may be here for? Probably a lot, but you never know…I feel I want to celebrate life today anyway.

Sidvis - definitely get a tax preparer. I don’t know if yours offers this, but our library offers free tax help. If I hadn’t gone to one I wouldn’t have know that there was a way to file to get the amount the pension people withheld for taxes back in full.

Mariemikey - I also disagree with your therapist. If you don’t feel ready, then you probably aren’t ready. I was only ready last night, six and half months after Ishaq’s passing. Take the time you need - do it YOUR way, not anybody elses. Taking the walks are great - I find that when I’m really down, that helps a lot. If I walk through the neighborhood I always make sure to pet as many cats as I can find!

Michele - Thanks for the website info. I looked at it and it is lovely. I can always use more inspiration!

Well, tomorrow is my 11th year anniversary of getting together with Ishaq, and my friend - actually more like a sister of the heart - is coming tomorrow to stay with me. We’ll go out to dinner and celebrate. I’m doing things MY way around this, and part of this is to continue to honor my relationship with Ishaq. He’s my soul mate, which to me means that we will be together again once I cross over, and eventually reincarnate to live together and love together once more. So I’m actually feeling pretty good about the anniversary, at least today, And today, I’m going out to hunt garage sales, something else Ishaq and I loved to do on the weekends.

Love and blessings to you all,

Anna

[mishknit]

mariemikey...

i have to agree with those who disagree with your therapist...we all need to go thru this our own way, trust your instincts. I'mnot sayin your therapist is wrong..just , perhaps, trying to move you along too fast. I think we know in our hearts when we can handle things..we just need to listen closely and honor that. And when we turn down invitations...be honest, explain why, and do our best to hold onto the relationships, so,at a date when we're ready, those people aare still there for us.

I can't wait to hear about the john edwards experience dorothy, and what a nice son to take you to a concert...enjoy!

and taxes..ugh! I'm in the midst of pulling it all together for my acct...there is no way i could actually do them myself, nor would i try. And i also have corporate taxes to do at the end of may...the bane of my existence!! Tom used to do our personal ones on turbotax...i'm not ready to try..i actually bought the program this year, but chickened out and returned it. maybe next year!!

anna...sounds like you had a nice evening, have a lovely time at the party. When we're ready to get back into life fully, i think we know it. And then, while wwe may still be sad, it becomes a healing thing.

have a good day all...

michele

[mariemikey]

I think you are right about getting back into things when we are ready and in our own time. I understand what the therapist is trying to say though. She is trying to encourage me not to isolate myself. I have had some "friends" turn out to not be "friends" through this though. I had someone I work with actually steal from me among other things. He came over with a plate of food for me over the holidays from he and his wife. Very thoughtful.....however, he was wearing one of my husband's jackets that was part of donations that he told me he would take to Good Will donation center. I found out later that he kept it all. Then, I was selling furniture becuase I couldn't take any of it for my new apartment...too painful. My good friend, who is still a good friend, was handling that for me. This person came over me and Mike's house told my friend he would give him the $ after he helped him load what he wanted into his truck. My friend did this and then when asked for the $ was told he didn't have it until tax refunds. I screamed and yelled at him adn told hijm I want everything back in the house. I didn't hear anything til the next day when my friend told me that he let him take the furntirue with the promise he would pick up the check at work the next day. After chasing him around the check was finally mailed to me...with anote to call him in March to see if funds are available. NO WAY!!!!!! March 1st I am bringing the check to my bank to seeif they can verify funds since I don't want to incur bank fees on this. I also told my lawyer what happened. IT was $1,000....and definitely a learning experience.

On the positive side, I learned who my really good friends are and keep in touch with them all the time.

[sidvis]

Hey! thanks everyone for the education on the lingo. The first social thing I attempted was a workshop called "Rebuilders." It was a workshop for people who had suffered the loss of a love relationship due to death or divorce. There was a 1 hour lecture on some topic about coping, and them it was small group discussion. I read about it in the paper and thought it might help me. And it did. So many sad and suffering people. The ones who were divorced had it the worst. There weren't very many widows and widowers, but we were amazed how much "better" we had it in the grief department. So, there you go. You never know what you will learn when you try these different ways to manage your pain. Peace

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey- take your "friend" to small claims court if the check is no good. that is just rediculous! not to mention it sounds like he HIGHLY took advantage of you! that is just unacceptable! what did your attorny advise? i'm so sorry that happened to you. (((hugs))) people are such jerks sometimes and death really brings out people's true colors!

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I've looked for support groups that are local here and couldn't find any that applied to me. Can you give me an idea on where you found this one?

Aprilmoonflower:

My attorney said what I thought she would say, since there was nothing in writing, it's my word against his and he is apparently a liar too. He told my friend who is selling the furniture (this one is a true friend and has proved it time and time again) that I told him this was o.k. He also tried to claim that I told him it was o.k. to take the furniture for $100. I can't believe people can be so cruel. I have no intention on taking him to court. It would require too much time, money, and emotion to gain the $1000 if I ever got it. I'm just going to hope that the bank can verify funds and then as soon as they can I'll deposit it. That's the best I can do. I'll just be more careful about people in the future.

[lindat]

Marie, If you have a check for $1000 and it isn't good you should take him to small claims court - you can do it yourself for very little money. He should not get away with it. What a shame that you have to go thru this and I sure hope it works out to your advantage. Linda

[sidvis]

Mariemikey-I read about that group in my local newspaper. The classes were held at a church. In the paper there are listings for local meetings and seminars at different churches. That might be worth a look. Also, there is a group called S.O.S., survivors of suicide. I believe it is a national group. You might try looking them up in the phone book or perhaps on-line. I think every group I participated in I learned something to help me. The best was my counselor. I know it is tough to have to repeat your story to a new counselor, but it might be a good idea to be able to go and sit and talk with a person in the flesh. I went for several months. First, once a week, then every two weeks, then once a month until she thought I could just make an appointment whenever I felt the need. I felt that was a major accomplishment on my part to be "dismissed." I know it isn't cheap, but I know it helped me get farther down the road quicker.

[rodless]

mariemikey, After my divorce I went through a program called Beginning Experience which is run by the Catholic church but available to all faiths. It has support groups and weekend retreats for widowed and divorced. Not sure if they have a website. It was a tremendous help to me and after I had completed the weekend I was asked to be on "team" so I also served as a counselor and mediator for 3 years. I learned coping skills (that have also served me well through this experience) and had a great group of friends, both male and female. Since then we have all moved on with our lives although at the time we were sure we would never be able to. I know BE is still in operation around here but they might have changed their name. Any Catholic diocese office should be able to give you information.

Dorothy, I am so glad you have someone to talk to. I found that reaching out to one person leads to another etc. and now I have a bunch of women I feel comfortable calling to do stuff when I want to. It really makes a difference. If you'd like to email me (anyone else also), my address is in my profile. Be sure to identify yourself with your BI handle or such... I get way too much junk mail that I delete pretty fast. I like having email buddies. Have one who is the sister of a friend. I have never met her in person, but we "talk" regularly.

I had a good weekend. Had a great walk and cry this afternoon. I seem to build up all week and let loose on Saturday afternoons, but I am learning that it is good for me. I have never cried easily and I find it impossible to cry in front of anyone most of the time so this works well for me. Went to another movie (Catch and Release) tonight with a couple of friends. Loved the scenes of the flatirons above Boulder.. memories of summers sepnt on the campus while my dad went to school.

Better end before I time out. Mary Jo