I Miss Him So...

[justamom]

Hi Portia, My Husband Steve died 22 months ago this week. We were in a head on collision with a drunk 16 year old kid and he was killed right in front of me. My children were the same ages as yours. In fact it was my oldest sons 9th birthday. I have two boys. I too felt like they were handling everything so much "better" than me. I just think they deal with all of it so differently than adults do. The holidays last year were terrible. I really didn't "do" them. I am much better this year and am trying to do them better. I still have bad moments and bad days. I have discovered that for me at least the anticipation of such events often tends to be worse than the day or event itself. I have a tendancy to meltdown afterward though. Just take it easy on yourself. There are no rules! Do whatever you can and try not to worry about what you can't. This is a great place to vent. We all can relate even though our stories are different. Take care, Lisa

[aprilmoonflower]

lol  about the superglue maryjo

Lisa- glad to see you around! how are you doing? and hockeyboy?

what ever happened to Dorothy? are you out there?

[airymoon]

portia- we have all went through this and you being here will help you a lot i think. It did me. I understand about not hanging out with friends my husband and i spent each day with our kids and each other, at his funeral one of our long time friends said i dont think i ever saw him out without one or all three of his kids with him and that is the truth. so to have all of a sudden been thrown into this no life of having to do all the kids and be by myself is really hard. Just take it one minute at a time and if that is too much than one breath at a time and that is all you need to do for now when you are ready you will be able to do more. As for the holidays, i put up a tree last year and got the decorations out and let the kids put them up if they wanted and if they didn't then we didnt. I t seemed to work for them because they were excited about being able to do it themselves and didn't realize i was participating in it. Then I would get on here and talk about shooting decorations with paintball guns and kicking down trees and deer. Keep posting here and at least reading, you'll see that your not alone, we are all here for you.

Becky

 

[grannyc]

:shock:OH THE PAIN OF THOSE EARLY DAYS/MONTHS

Its very heart wrenching to hear.  Please stay with us and post your heart out no matter what you have to write.   Just dump it and let us handle it.   Be good to yourself.  This is about you and your children NOT doing what others think it is time to do.   This part of our life came with absolutely NO manual.  Its a learn as you go process and not chosen by anyone of us.  

None of us were ready to say "Good Bye"

And, we have all been in those early days/months.   Your pain is so great it is physical, mental, spiritual.   It was a year last July that my husband died and nothing is or will ever be the same.  And I hate it.    A widow friend and I have tee-shirts that read  "Today Sucks-----Tomorrow's gona, Too"   That's it in a nut shell! 

Please know we are in a group/society that few understand unless they have walked it.   Our lives are the fear of most of our friends.  They don't want to hear too much about how terrible it is.   Its too scary for them, too.

((((My deepest thoughts and prayers))))

to our new members, sadly I welcome YOU,

GrannyCheryl

[grannyc]

Dear Becky,

You are a girl after my own heart.   It all got to me last winter/Christmas and one shopping trip when the Christmas music was playing in November.  I went into "Trim the Tree" dept of the store and knocked down a tree.  I am very sorry, but for that moment it really made me release some pain.

I probably should never admit this online, but that's how bad it got for me at times.

Sincerely,

GrannyCheryl

[airymoon]

oh granny c you go girl!!!! i wish iwould have had the guts to do that, Im not sure i would have stopped with just one tree though. i hated any kind of shopping last year and this year isn't much better i went into a store and they were playing shristmas music and i just got what i needed and got out. rodless and i were talking about shooting the decorations with paint balls and knocking over all those cute little yard ornaments. You with us girl? how about you rodless still game?

becky

[laquinn]

Gosh it seems like a lifetime ago that I found out about this site and it's only been 4 and a half weeks and there are so many new women on here. I think the last time I was on here I talked about the holidays and not sure that I could do them because there is nobody else living here at home. But I sat and thought it thru along with talking to a lot of my husbands friend and  decided  that I need to do Thanksiving for our grandkids even though he won't be here.

I was in the store last night and walked back to the christmas stuff knowing I needed to get a new tree this year I looked at them and hated everyone of them and all the decorations that they had it just isn't gonna be the same. I had already bought something for him and found it in the closet the other day and just sit and cried and held on to it for the longest time.

I know that I don't know any of you personaly but it sure does help to just "talk " to all of you on here. Maybe one of theese days things will get better but for now it's not and all I can do today with the rain outside was to cry. I laied on the couch and just cried and just kept hoping that I would wake  up from this bad dream and he would walk through the front door at any time. But that is not gonna happen

There are still  alot of days that I wonder why do I even get out of bed there is no one here that I have to do anything for, the house dosen't need cleaned or laundry done but I end up getting out of bed and trying to make it through the day.

Thanks Lela

 

 

 

[precioustams]

Portia, I am so sorry to hear about your husband, I do think however that this website has a lot to offer through the experiences of others. It's a good place to vent and not be judged and grasp some understanding from women that feel the pain of losing someone so close to their hearts. I don't have any advice when it comes to children, but there are women here that do and the past posts touch on a lot of different topics. You are in my thoughts.

From some of the posts I have tried to catch up on, a lot has happened in a couple of months, I hope everyone is well. Everything has been really busy for me lately, I wish I would have gotten online more often to at least keep up with the posts, but with moving and nursing school starting again and now getting Josephs 6 year old nephew full time, I have not had a moment to breathe. I almost failed one of my classes, had a professor tell me i needed more time to greive to take two years off, it has really come to the point where I put the little one to bed and collapse from holding everything in for everyone else. Joseph and I didn't have any kids, but we had planned on getting custody of his nephew when we got married, but now doing it without him has been rough. He asks me about his uncle and why he can't come back and I havne't a clue what to say. Josephs father had told him that the reason he died was cuz he ate too much french fries!! Who does that? Who says that!?! He had an enlarged heart, it had nothing to do with fries. At one point he asked me why I have his pictures up, that didn't i know he was dead and never coming back. And the newest thing is he now wants to die, he plays dead constantly...has anyone had this experience with their kids because I am not sure what to do. I know he misses his uncle, his uncle was a huge part of his life. Joseph would cry every time he took him back home when we had him for the weekend cuz his nephew would just clench on to him and beg him not to take him back. I want to make sure he always remembers who his uncle is and all the good times we had together and I am not sure how to approach some of the questions he asks. Joseph had a nintendo DS, he had bought one for himself and one for me so we could play card games against eachother on them, well his nephews broke so i decided to give Josephs to him, and when i gave it to him he aksed me why i didn't give it to joseph so he could play with it in heaven, that wouldn't he want to have it...kids I tell ya and the things they think of. The other thing is christmas, I'm not celebrating christmas with my actual family this year, i've decided it's too many faces and poeple and i just can't do it, I can barely make it through the stores, but i know i have to do chrsitmas with josephs mom and nephew, mostly because his nephew, if it weren't for him we wouldn't be doing anything. I am just having a lot of trouble getting in the holiday spirit knowing the things I see at the store for Joseph can't be given this year, I don't know how i am suppose to make it through the stores to get gifts for his nephew and not want to get something for joseph as well. Is it weird if i buy something for him even though I know he's gone?? I dunno...enough pouring of my soul...I just wish I could be six again...better get to bed, the little one gets up pretty early and its school tomorrow...take care everyone..g'nite

~Tamara

[rodless]

Gosh, I don't know Becky...being in neutral I really don't give a **** about anything right now. I actually found myself going down the Christmas aisle in a store last night because it was the quickest way to the dog food and it didn't bother me at all. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks when all the stuff really comes out.:?

[airymoon]

rodless---OK OK i think neutral would be a good place to be but im not there yet. thats ok i think granny is with me . WE could go tree tipping LOL.tami--just answer his questions as honestly as you can and if you dont know why you do something than tell him you dont know why but it makes you feel better because you miss Joseph. And Fyi they dont need anything in heaven because they have it there already. That idea was one of the things that made my daughter feel better about the things her dad didn't "take" with him. O have a lot of pics of my husband up and i gave her a notebookto write things in when she thinks of him and i let her pick out the pics she wanted in her room of her dad.But mostly we talk about him a lot and i let her tell me the things she remembers and if i cry i cry.

Just try to be as honest as possible becausehe will need to know that your answers are honest and he will need to know that he can be honest about how he feels when he comes to you.  And then come here and ask and vent and let us know how it went

Becky

 

 

 

[grannyc]

:shock:Airymoon,

I am from Minnesota, where do you live?   I can see it now:  Front page Newspaper.

"Grazed Widows go State to State destroying Christmas Decorations to Protest the Holiday after the Loss of their other half"   Check with the local news station for more info on this subject.

Well, we'd make a point/scene and scare the S___ out of all the women with husbands-for fear they might catch our fate!     Isn't that what it is sometimes?   We scare our married friends.....We are living their worst nightmare!

Well, best put this parched brain to bed.

Hey, that is one thing I have big problems with.....My mind seems like it left/went out to lunch/departed me on July 10, 2006 and I cannot truly find all of it since.   Anyone else feel like they are/have lost their minds?   I surely do.

((Good Night))

GrannyCheryl

[Error username not found]

YEP. i deff. lost my mind. i forget things constantly and i do things i would never usually do. im not the same person. ill pour a cup of wutever drink for myself..and drink it..and then ill look at it empty and say..who drank my drink? or.. whos cup is this? its really insane but i dont remember doing it. also, ill move my things and not remember doing it and that drives me crazy  i cant remember where i moved it..or if i even moved it. eh..ttyl.

[rodless]

Yep, my mind left on 7/7/06 with my heart and has yet to return. Just ask my staff! Granny Cheryl, I'm in NW Iowa not to far from the Minnesta line. Becky, I'm sure my tree kicking tendencies will be back shortly but neutral is a safe place to be right now. I just hope the next gear I experience will be drive and not reverse! Mary Jo

[airymoon]

grannyc- i am from michigan so not across the country but far enough away. Yes i felt liks i had lost my mind. I lost my huband in june 2006 and i am just now feeling like i can almost think and retain. That was one of the worst parts of this. At first i did everything all business like and handled it then allof a sudden i started losing stride and i felt like i was crazy. The worse part was that others didn't know how hard it was to just comprehend them talking and couldnt understand why i didn't remember things or completely didn't know what was going on. My sister who has gone through this before told me not to get frustrated to just let my mind rest and my brain stop if it needed to. I finelly feel like i am gaining some sanity back or at least i am not in a constant state of confusion any more.

Becky

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]Hi Ladies, It has been awhile since my last post.  I just returned home about an hour ago. I went to my sister's in Coschocton, Ohio for five days for a visit. I must say I enjoyed myself alot. We enjoyed everyday doing silly things but we were together just having simple fun. When my brother-in-law came home after work we went out to dinner. My sister retired a month ago and she is enjoying it.  Tonight I go to Zumba Class ------- can't wait to see how the body works it. It should be fun. I guess I should get my heating pads out before I leave the house lol...................I'll be moving parts of my body that have have not moved for a long time..........I do have my reservations to leave for Vegas this Sunday (11/18 - 11/21) At this moment I am not sure that I want to go. I can get my money back as long as I cancel 72 hours prior to trip. I'll decide sometime today.

April, I guess I feel the same way you do.  I am moving along with my new life and I am enjoying myself.  Don't get me wrong I am not seeking another person to share my life with. I doubt that I would ever do that. I just feel that this new phase in my life is coming together. I have not been crying........as a matter of fact coming home from Ohio I was actually singing Christmas Songs.......................My John loved Christmas........As I mentioned before 12/23  I leave for San Juan, Puerto Rico.....Christmas will be different for me this year....

I still have to read all the posts.....................Please try to find some peace within your hearts today...............

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[/align]

[grannyc]

((Thanx Everyone))))  For the encouragement about my mind or loss of it!   I also have had friends wonder or ask what is with me, I already told them "that" 3 other times, etc.

Since I've been home from work I have been hit with such a wave of loneliness and that "Oh My God!!!  Tim will never be with me again"   (this side of eternity, anyway)

WoW! it is just overwhelming.   Bed, Covers over head-That's what I want to do.

It is very grey, windy & only 29 degrees here today,   I just want to sit in the Living Room with Tim............Where did this double dose of sadness come from?   I am just in a state of urning for Tim's presense.   GOD, IT COULD DRIVE A PERSON CRAZIER THAN I already am.......

 

Well. I work with kids tonight at Church.  That is probably the best thing fo me, but I surely DO NOT WANT to go,  best get ready, tho.

Best to all!

Granny Cheryl

[amberi]

Hi everyone,

well times are bad I have some of my friends mad at me cuz I checked out. I just didnt feel like answering the phone or talking to anyone. I know I worried them and that wasnt my intension but I needed to let go for a moment.

My daughters sweet 16 is this weekend yea something good to look forward too. I am very happy for her. I wanted her to do a dance with her uncle but she said that if she couldnt dance with her dad she wouldnt dance with anyone. Guess I cant blame her.

On a more upsetting note and maybe some one can help me calm down. I found out I have a Lump, its deep in my arm pit but they want to investagate. As if this year hasnt been bad enough. Then last night while watching Christopher Reeves son talk my daughter said is she lost both her parents she would kill herself. No I didnt tell her about the lump, dont want to add more on her plate. I didnt know what to say. It really upset me though. I wouldnt want her to go thru that but I would want her to stay strong or I dont know just scared me. Kinda scared about the lump but at the same point Im like F*** it. What ever. I am struggling with Alex being gone really bad now and my anger is pouring out of me.

Feel like Im jumping all over the board, maybe I just need to find time to be here again cuz it was helping but lately I just cant breathe with out him. it really sucks.

Hope all is good for the rest of you. Oh yeah Dorothy (I think it was you) I found out that John Edwards is coming to San Fran. which is only 2 hrs from me. The tickets were pretty up there about 250 is this about how much yours were and do you feel it was worth that much money. I dont normally put a  price on a great opportunity but that was higher then I expected.

Have a good night All,

amber

[armaiti]

GrannyCheryl, I love it that you knocked over a tree!  I avoided the stores last year, and a lot of what I give is handmade - I have been making calenders for the family for years now, using photos from different gatherings and celebrations, and printing them out myself and having them bound at Kinko's.  For other stuff, I shopped online - there's actually a great site I use called ebates, that gives you cash back when you shop and I've gotten quite a bit back by using them.  And it beats being in the stores with all the music and families and stuff, I don't like crowds anyway, I tend to shop at off times when I won't have to deal with lots of people.

I'm trying to get the house ready for having Sufi class here tomorrow night...it's so hard for me just to get going sometimes...the dizzy spells are subsiding, they were worse this morning but I had taken a melatonin to help me sleep last night and that may have affected me.  I'm playing music for an Interfaith gratitude gathering next Tuesday, and so I've been thinking alot about what I have to be grateful for, and it is a lot.  I wouldn't change anything, I have some close friends who have never found true love, and even if it was for so short a time, it's worth the pain now to have been with Ishaq for that 10 1/2 years.  And each day we both are walking forward towards each other.

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Amber, I paid $175.00 for John Edwards ticket. It was worth it. I would do it again. Since I had the reading a calm has come over me at present time. I only pray it continues because I am feeling great these days. In reference to the lump.............I had the same problem five months ago. I was scared but it turned out to be nothing. Keep your chin up and be strong..........praying for good results for you.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Amber, you must have been posting just when I was, I didn't see your post till now...I'll keep you in my prayers that the lump is nothing to worry about...I've had lumps in my armpit that just went away on their own.

Blessings,

Anna

[grannyc]

 Please get that lump checked out NOW!

My daughter gets them if she uses too strong of a deoderent.  It's probably nothing BUT

what it must be is checked out~~~SOON~~~Get it done and behind you.  There is enough on your mind without holding that in, too!

With Care,

GrannyCheryl :?

[grannyc]

_[line]

_{Has anyone noticed after you post, you are sent way back to posts in 2005.}

_{Do we know why?  And how to prevent it from happening?}

_{Anyone here ever Chat on GROWW?  I did for awhile but really never seemed to stay on topic, so haven't been back there since I found this site.}

_{Curious Minds Ask, I guess!???}

_GrannyCheryl

[lindat]

Hi Amber,  I know what you are going thru - I found a lump in my breast about a month ago.  When I went last week they ordered a mammogram and ultrasound for tomorrow.   He wants to do a needle biopsy and then surgery whether it is benign or not.  I have never had a lump anywhere and am trying not to freak out.  Unfortunately, I don't have insurance so it may be very complicated and expensive before it is over.  I told my oldest daughter in MS, but now realize that I shouldn't have because she is freaking out more than me.   My boyfriend is having prostate surgery next week and already had enough to worry about - as did I.   Hopefully everything will work out fine for everyone - the holidays were going to be tough enough without all this.    Linda

[missque]

Haven't posted in a while but I have been reading to try and keep up. Just here to vent really... I dont know if any of you know what Facebook is- but its like a myspace thing. Anyways I tried to add my boyfriends step mom on it and she denied my friend request - thought perhaps it was an accident so i tried again and she denyed it again. Yet my boyfriends brother's girlfriend she added right away. His step mom isnt the nicest (she even yelled at me on the day of my boyfriends funeral) so I mean it shouldnt bother me cuz none of us are really surprised at it but it makes me feel like total ****. I mean all i want is to be accepted by his family because afterall they are all i have of him left. but for her to do that it just stabs the knif in deep. I know jer's dad likes me (at least i assume so) he helped me move and has helped me with some other stuff, hes even giving me a copy of his wedding pics so i can make a scrap book for them. and yet for her to do that it just makes me feel so unwanted and un worthy and really really shitty.

anyways i just needed to vent

i hope u all are having a good day- or as close to it as possible depending your moods.

[rodless]

Amber and Linda... I had a similar experience. Turned out to be nothing but scary because my mom has had breast cancer. Will say a special prayer for you.

Missque, families (especially steps) are funny and relationships change after a death. If you can, just accept it. You only hurt yourself when you dwell on it. I know.. I used to have four stepkids. I haven't seen any of them since Rod's funeral and I don't want to. Too much anger and too many bad feelings over decisions Rod and I made at the end of his life. It took me awhile to find peace with all of that but I can't live my life with those kind of emotions so I let it go. What will be will be.

Hope all have a good day. Mary Jo

[amberi]

Thanks all for the support, I needed it.

I do have an appointment for monday I was scared to call but I did. Last year I had a mamogram cuz my grandmother passed away at 40 from breast cancer and my mom has had several lumps but all benine (however you spell it) It is small so hoping that it just goes away. We will see.

I figured out last night that I have Sadye's party Alex's 6mo. Anniv. and Thanksgiving in the same week, and next month it will be my birthday Alex's 7mo and Christmas in the same week. Ahhh I just hate it, it feels like it just keeps getting worse and worse. Im not feeling real depressed but it just pisses me off. Yesterday I was crying alot, but I think that is more a hormonal thing cuz thats the other thing that comes the same week.

Dorothy see if I could get them for 150 -200 I would just get them. But 250-300 is just so much. And I would have to buy 2 tickets cuz I wont go alone. I think Iam going to see if it goes down a little or wait till after the holidays and then if they are the same just splurge and do it. My daughter said she wanted to go see I think her name was Linda something. I guess she is real popular too. Do you know who she is. I want to go so bad but then the thought of what if he doesnt come talk to me would I feel upset. So I think I better deal with some of this before I spend. But I want to go so bad. But thanks for the info.

I hope everyone is doing well, I know getting ready for the holidays is going to be hard but I am trrying to not think of it as a hard thing and more like he really is here and in  another room. Hah we will see if that works (doubt it).

ok enough rambling.

Take care all, and again thank you for the support it really helps me to know I can come here and lean on people.

Big (((((HUGS))))))

Amber

[airymoon]

hello ladies- iwant first to wish amber amd linda luck with everything. I found a lump a year ago and was told it was just a cyst so i didnt have anything done about it. I was actually told i didn't need to. Now im being told i need to have it checked out to make sure it isnt something that can turn whatever that means. The only problem is i have no insuarance either and no money, So first things first i have to see about getting state funded insurance. Kurt always handled that stuff and i just dont want to deal with it because i sort of feel like whatever happens happens and it would be easier than living without him and being here feeling the way i have been.  I know that my kids would not do well if something happened though so i am going to get it looked at asap.

missque-Dont worry about your boyfriends mom or wtep mom. My inlaws hardly ever talk to me and we only lie a few miles apart. They also dont call the kids either. At first i felt like you do they were a part of him and i wanted to keep that. But what i came to realize is that they were not a part that i  liked and i didnt want to think of him as being part of them. As far as them seeing his kids that is their loss not mine and they will have to deal with that when the time comes. The reality is that they didn't really know kurt anymore. His own mother didnt even know how much time he spent working with special needs kids. Or what his goals for his life had become, Her own son and she didn't even know him. Hell we were married 21 years and they never excepted me and now I am free of them and that is also their loss because its too late for them.

I hope the weekend gives all of you some peace

Becky

[Error username not found]

Today's my anniversary. it was nice. i walked in the freezing rain..and then stayed soaking wet and freezing the rest of the day..even though it stopped raining. the best part of the day was sitting at the cemetery and talking..and just now falling asleep with my son. goodnight everyone.((Happy Anniversary. I love you.))

[missque]

arymoon- its just his step mom being a bitch like that too me and i dont even think his dad is aware of it. the rest of them talk to me all the time (his mom dad and step  dad and brothers, aunts and uncles cousins u name it) and i am happy for that. his brotheres come and surprise me we are pretty close  and im very happy. she just really gets to me (well actually she gets to all of us) none of us like her not the kids no one. His dad from what i feel wants me round but then it makes me feel liek i cant be around him because shes just a crusty bitch and always gets made. me and his dad went to a mass that was in his memory even though we are not the slightest big religious and my car had broken down that day. his step mom decided she would go get her car washed and stff while he was at it she didnt wanna be there. He offered to drive me back home and she freaked out yelling at him in front of me about then drove off before i even had time to shut the door. i dunno i just dont like her and it made me feel like crap but im over it( well to some extent)

[airymoon]

missy good for you she is not worth the trouble especially if whe didnt want to go to the mass for her husbands son. Leave her be and if his dad and you want to get together than do it and let her deal with it or dont tell her.

[precioustams]

airymoon, thanks so much for your advice on my little nephew. I actually took one of your ideas and him and I went through a bunch of pictures of Joseph and he picked out photos he would like to hang up. Now we are going to hang them up and I am going to make copies of the pictures they had together since he was a baby and make him his very own scrapbook. I really try to keep josephs memory around, when we do something and it reminds me of a story of Joseph I always mention it and since Joseph was such a goofball it makes the little one just laugh and laugh. Yesterday for homework the teacher sent home a paper asking the kids to write down who they considered they're family and their ages, it was sooo cute and sweet, my nephew immediately wanted to write my name, aunt tamara, and then the dogs names and then he got really quiet, I asked what was wrong and he asked if he could still put uncle joseph down even tho he was gone, and of course I said he could, he was just so thoughtful and so happy to be able to put him down still, it brought tears to my eyes just thinking how much this little guy is going to miss his uncle...when he wrote his age tho we all had a good laugh tho because he noticed that I was older than uncle joseph and he got all wide eyed and grinning and said "your bigger than uncle joseph!?!?!" and just laughed and laughed.

I really urge all the ladies to get their lumps checked...my mom had several lumps throughout her life that were nothing and about a year before I lost joseph she felt one in the shower and it turned out to be cancer...amazingly enough she battled it and won, I admire her to this day for that triumph. The main reason she got through it was because it was caught early, its so important for us women to constantly be checking ourselves out. I will be thinking of all of you through ur tests....

~Tamara

[amberi]

Barcafly - My thoughts are with you, good to her it went well except the cold rain. My anniv. was last month and I think it went better then expected. Hope you are doing well.

Becky - The thing that I heard is some types of cysts can turn into cancer, same with palups. Thats prob. what they were talking about. My boss mad me make an appt. so Im going on monday. but I feel the same way that I would just rather not know and go be with Alex, but my kids would have such a hard life and not have a good safe place to stay where they would be treated how I would want them to be, so I figure I better stick around. Thats why I too agreed to get it checked out.

Dorothy one more ? on John Edwards, did you go to a smaller one or a large one. Some one told me he does two different kinds but I dont know . So thought I would ask you. Hope Im not buggin with all the ? just very interested. Thanks

hope everyone else is doing good.

Take care all,

Amber

[missyouhoney811]

Amber, My group with "John Edward" was at least 350 people. The group was large and the lines were long BUT moved very fast.  If you have any other questions I don't mind............glad to help in any way I can.

I cancelled Vegas.....................I decided I'll be going away next month and also I think I will be going to Vegas in March with my sisters and brother-in-laws. That should be fun. I don't mind going on trips alone but I know I will enjoy my sisters company. Neither one of them gamble.  I am the baby sister that has the gambling buzz.......lol....

It is very cold and snowy here..........I plan on going to the cemetery later today. I also have to go by my son's house and feed his cat.  Vanessa is in New York with him. So the poor kitty cat is home alone.

I notified about the message board coming up with the date 1/05.......the reply was that they will try to get it fixed.

Have the best day you possibly can..................

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[crushedheart]

Hey Everybody ..just thought I'd pop on see how you all are doing ..I'm recouperating from a nasty cold my grandson shared with me ...I hate this new format ...it's showing posts  from Jan 2005 ...I'll go back and read the new posts soon as I'm finished with this one..Some of you all might be interested in a chat program called PalTalk ..that's where I spend a lot of my  time now.. It's a neat chat program .It has members from all over the world...and music rooms which is where you'll find me most of the time..We use Mic's ..and can have real time conversations with friends...It's great On those sleepness nights when you need to hear a live voice...But like any chat program....you have to be careful ...don't give out any personal information ..It's just a thought for some of you all that would like to try it ..I've been on there for a few years now...and I love it ..it's pulled me through a lot of lonely and dreadful nights ..Hugssssssssss and Prayers for you all !

[airymoon]

tamara- the scrap book is a great idea, i let my daughter go through all the pictures she could find and start a photo album for herself. She is 9 and a little older than your nephew. If there were any photos i wanted to keep in a certain place or book imade copies for her.  I wouldn't worry too much about what your nephew will miss. I know that sounds harsh and i dont mean it to be, but that thought tore me apart for a long time Thinking about all the things my kids would miss and all the things kurt would miss with them when his only real goal in life had been to be a good dad and a great grandpa. And i have also found out that out of all of us my daughter is handling this the best. I think kids have this sense of innocence about them and therefore no regrets. Oh yes she nisses her dad terribly but as she says she doesnt need to be sad because even though she cant see him he can see her and he visits her and still loves her. She told me he lives in heaven and is in her heart and will always be with her. Those were her words and ideas. We talk a lot about him and i tell stories too that make them laugh i find it healing for me also. Kids have this way of believing hard and more than adults and that is good for them. Just let your nephew know that he can talk to you about anything and that Joseph is always walking beside or above you two and your family.

Becky

[airymoon]

Amber,

I also want to go see John Edwards. I dont think i could have done it as early in this as you are right now though. i think it would have been too raw at that time. I still hadn't completely accepted that he couldnt come back and i was having a hard time dealing with that. Now though i accept that fact and i aslo believe that i will be ok someday just not yet. Maybe even good again. When i go see john Edwards I want to have the sense of peace and fullfilment that dorthy had with the experience and im afraid that if i go to soon ill be left with a sense of longing and wanting him to come home again. I decided that iwould try to save cash for it and when i got enough saved then i would be ready and if i felt really ready before that than i would use the credit card. i just need to find someone to go with me because i dont want togo alone.

becky

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]Becky, I purchased my tickets for John Edwards in November

2006.................I feel that I was fortunate that he was coming to Pittsburgh. I also did not want to go alone that is the reason John Robert and Vanessa came with me. I had the tickets close to a year before I actually went to see him. You are not given a numbered seat.............as you come in (after waiting in the line) you pick your seating at random. When I arrived I could have had the first row, instead I went to the middle section I believe it was row twelve. Although, his tickets are expensive they are well worth it. As my son said afterwards when we were walking out "Mom you really got your monies worth".......Vanessa and John Robert went for entertainment, it turned out to be much more. It really makes you stop and think about this big, wonderful world we live in. Are their spirits out their.............I truly believe with all of my heart they are. When this world was created bigger plans were out their. Sorry for me going on but that is merely my beliefs. We are all free spirits to believe in whatever we want to.

I did go to the cemetery yesterday it was sooooooo cold. It was a quick visit but I had my talk with John at his grave. The hardest thing for me is to see  his stone with his name. This is the week that I have to get his "Christmas Grave Blanket" which I will put on within the next week. I'll always miss him with all my heart and soul. Inside our wedding bands we also have "Today, Tomorrow and Always" inscribed. I also have it on the stone. That was my son's idea because we always put that on all the cards we gave to one another.

I must run out and feed that fat cat. Hope you all have a peaceful day.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

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[naz496]

have to say this site is giving me the shits. what is this 2005 messages.

Mals birthday yesterday. kids wanted a birthday cake. did ok.

feeling like a truck has hit me today. I want to goto bed and sleep forever. having difficulties sleeping these days.

peace to all

naz

[grannyc]

Missyouhoney811,

May I be so ignorant to ask you what the "Christmas Grave Blanket" is?

It sounds neat.  But, I don't know; is there such a thing or do you make/put it together?

Thanx!

GrannyCheryl

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]Granny Cheryl, Christmas Tree Blankets can be ordered but you can also make them yourself. When my father died in 1982 I made his..............you attach pine branches together using any type of wire that would be strong enough to hold the branches together. I would make it the size of the actual grave. Once the branches are secured you decorate it with ribbons, pine cones, glitter.........it really is a project for you to create whatever you feel like putting on it. If you order it from Christmas Tree Farm they usually put ribbons and pine cones but once you have it on the grave you can add your own extra decorations. I ordered John's last year and I did the same for this Christmas. Maybe some year I will start making them again. Try to have a peaceful day.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

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[grannyc]

Miss,

Thank you so very much for the info on the Grave Blanket.  It sounds beautiful and just an answer for me as to what to do for Tim's grave.

Appreciate it!

Granny Cheryl (*-*)

[amberi]

Graany C - thanks for asking I too was very courious. Dorothy that sounds so nest. I dont think we can do them here in CA because they are always complaning that we can put stuff on the grass cuz they cant mow. I think Im going tolook into it. Grantede Alex is on got a handful of ashes with Cassandra but I think that would be so nice.

Becky - I bought my tickets for next April. I am hoping by then I will have more acceptence. I too at this point still think he moved away and just dosent want to talk to me. But I am also very much into this kind of stuff and have a deep I guess its like a pulling feeling. I feel like I have to go more then just I want to go. There is the other part of me that wants to go and ask him why the hell he did all the mean stuff he did before he passed. But then the bigger part of me is just wanting and hoping he comes thru and that he is with me and is guiding me thru this new crazy life with out him.

Hope everyone has a good thanksgiving. Im scared its the first holiday with out him, I am going to try and stay strong.

God Bless you all.

Amber

[missinmyhubby]

Hi to all..just checkin' in.  Meet the new addition to the family....Her name....Snickers   Here's to hope that we find some peace during the upcoming holidays.  (((((HUGS)))))

Angel

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]I have something I want to share with all of you. I have it hanging in my living room the entire year.  It is called "Merry Christmas From Heaven.

I still hear the songs

I still see the lights

I still feel your love

on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes

and all of your cares

I'll even remind you

to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you

you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders

above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment

to stay in His grace

I came here before you

to help set your place

You don't have to be

perfect all the time

He forgives you the slip

If you continue the climb

To my family and friends

please be thankful today

I'm still close beside you

in a new special way

I love you all dearly

now don't shed a tear

Cause I'm spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year

Prayers & Blessings

Dorothy

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[Error username not found]

HEY EVERYONE. JUST THOUGHT ID TALK ABOUT HOW ANNOYING THE CEMETERY RULES ARE. I CANT PUT CANDLES,STATUES,BLANKETS, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT IZNT MENTIONED IN THE LIST OF BULLSHIT THEY THINK IS ENOUGH. ITS REDICULOUS. DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE RULES LIKE THESE??ILL TTYL.

[amberi]

Bacafly - Yep my cemetary is exactly the same. I loved the idea of a winter blanket but they said no way. Cant plant a tree or flowers, flowers can only go into the holders none on the grass or laying on the headstones. It is very strict. I hate it. So you are not alone. I love the pic you put up, how old is your baby, so precious.

Dorothy  - that was a beutiful poem I printed it and am going to hang it in my living room right next to this plaque I found that has a snowman on it and says "Snowflakes from Heaven". I think it was sent to me from Alex cuz I found it in Sept. laying against a box at Ross with no other Christmas stuff around. It was strange.

Hope all is well,

amber

[missyouhoney811]

Bacafly, What a beautiful picture. Give your baby a hug from me.

Bacafly and Amber, I think it is terrible that you are not aloud to plant flowers or have a Grave Blanket.  When I was visiting my sister in Ohio I bought a statue of an angel. I put in front of his stone in the middle of two flower bushes that I planted this spring. I still have to get his eternal light to put by his stone. I just can't get over the different rules.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[airymoon]

bacafly that is a precious picture! When you miss him or when you are angry at him that is the picture you should hold in you head. The cemetery rules are one of the reasons my husband wanted to be creamated he said when he was gone he wanted me to be able to grieve however i needed to and i felt the same way.  As for your pic a friend of mine showed me one of kurt and i that he had. I was over 8 months pregnant with our first shild and we were at a reception o f some kind. were looking ant each other and talking. He had his arm around me. My first thought was yes we were happy. I thiink i needed confimation of that because it feels like it was so long ago that i saw or talked or held him.But at the same time it was like i was looking at a seperate or different person or couple. very sureal

love to all

becky

[armaiti]

Bacafly, beautiful picture! I am so grateful for all the pictures, recordings and video clips of Ishaq.   I can't imagine what is was like for folks when they lost someone in the "old days" before we had these ways to remember our beloveds. 

I'm heading off soon to sing at a Thanksgiving Interfaith Service.  I'm singing a version of the Sufi blessing we usually say before meals: O Thou the Sustainer of our bodies, hearts and souls, bless all that we receive in thankfulness. 

Saying this has been hard at times, because I really think about it...it means bless all, and that's the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.  Somehow I'm doing better lately...sometimes I feel like I'm leading dual lives, the one here where I'm livng by myself with the cats, and the dream one, where Ishaq shows up and things are like they would be if he was still alive.  Like he showed up a couple of nights after I found out his son and daughter in law were having a baby, and in the dream the four of us were having a nice visit.  Then Ishaq actually had to handle some call about a Red Cross problem, just like would have happened normally, since he was on call 24/7 with them.  It's wild. 

I'm getting ready for Thanksgiving and that feels easier this year too.  I talked to my good friend whose girlfriend died earlier this year; I spent Thanksgiving with them last year, and now this year, she's gone. 

Hope everyone has a peaceful night,

Blessings,

Anna

[missque]

Hello all;

Hope everyone is doing as well as possible. I know the American thanksgiving is upon many of you just wanted to let you know that I have your in my thoughts. Being Canadian I already did mine without my Jer and it was hard.

Iwent away the past weekend to visit friends of his and mine. He was the god-father to their son so it was nice to see them. We have become very close since I met them. It was nice to just get away for a few days except I didnt wanna come back. My family, friends (including them) are 4 hrs away from me while Im at school so it gets kinda hard. Plus, being with his best friends makes me feel better. They just get it ya no. And I'm more comfortable around them. Not to mention seeing their baby always gives me a smile because I cant help but think of Jeremy.

I also quit my job today. It just became way to much between that and school and all the different feelings and emotions. Its hard to go to a place and pretend im happy when really im stressed with school and depressed cuz im missing jer. Plus, being 4 hours away from family and friends; its hard for me to just get up and go for a day- its like a weekend adventure and when i need to go home i just need to i cant be concerned with having to work and stuff. Im hoping not working will make me feel better. My boss also puts up the sched. 1 month at a time making it hard to book off time. They were very understanding (or at least thats how it came across) and we kind of worked something out where I could be on call or even just work like once a month or something. and they also said if they was something open for the summer they'd take me back. so i'm happy for that. I've never had to quit a job for a reason like this. I've always worked seasonal jobs and the one time i didnt i had to leave because I was coming to University and I had worked there for 4 years. This job I've only had for 5 months and its hard cuz i feel bad. Not to mention I sorta feel like I've faild because i cant do it all anymore.

[user=16172]armaiti[/user]- in responce to what u said about having the pictures and stuff to keep. I have to agree with you I'm so happy that I have it however I'm very sad too. Dell made me wipe my comptuer but never told me we were so i couldnt back up anything i lost all my chat conversations with jeremy and some pics as well. its hard cuz i just wanna go back and read those talks we had.