I Miss Him So...

[missque]

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

with tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,

please wipe away the tear for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For is is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,

I send you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.

For I can't count the blessings or love

He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

[crushedheart]

Missque that was beautiful...reading it made me smile as I know our loved one's are right here with us during our sorrow...So sorry the new ladies had to be here..But we welcome you ..Hugssss and prayers are with you all ...Oh and by the way ..my prayers each morning isn't just lip service written on this board..I've got everyname on my note pad ..each morning you're all included in my morning prayers...BY NAME...

I read some of the posts on  the * I don't believe in God * forum ..How Sad I felt for those folks...I didn't reply there..just sat and  read ..shook my head felt sad and said to myself ..too each his/her  own ..I'd never insult anyone due to thier beliefs..or NON beliefs..But for me Thank God I am a believer..His Love and mercy ...is what's getting me through this horrible time ..One of my friends lost her husband about a year ago ..she too was a believer until then ..She ask me this question  a few weeks ago...

How is it that you can say God is Real and Loving when we see so much pain and suffering in this world...How are you going to feel when you die and find out Heaven was just a mith ...and that's the end of the line..My reply to her was...Ya know I don't know all the mysteries of God..and why bad things happen to good people...But How do we know Heaven isn't real ..what if I die with that thought in my heart...and chance missing Heaven ...That 's just to big of a risk for me too take ..Heaven looks sweeter to me everyday ... Hugs and Prayers for each and everyone of YOU ..

This picture is me with my soulmate...the love of my life now waiting for me in Heaven ..

[crushedheart]

opps ...sorry  for the picture being in the post...I tired putting it on the side like the rest of you all...But guess what...I don't know how to do that...lol..I'm a real PC dummy I suppose...Will  y'all tell me how you did that...I'll make the correction ...Hugsss and smile for you all...

[rodless]

crushedheart, when you are reading the posts on the "I Don't Believe" thread I hope you remember that some of us posting are doing so to acknowledge the grief process of those there. I have posted on that thread depite my own religious beliefs.  I think everyone is entitled to express their feelings whatever their faith is or isn't. We all hurt and are reaching out for compassion and support. I think one of the wonderful things about this board is the variety of people on in. Your picture was great. I'm such a dummy about those things that I haven't tried to put on in. Maybe when my kids are home at Christmas. Hope everyone has a good day. Mary Jo

[missque]

Chrushedheart- to get the pic go to my account and than avatar - no worries bout u being computer illiterate thats what us youngins are here for! lol

[armaiti]

Crushedheart: my belief is that what each of us believes is the reality of our next life.  For me, it is different than what you believe, but that doesn't make either of our next lives any less a reality or possibility for each of us.  And for me, my spiritual practices have definately gotten me through.  Having the Sufi spiritual path, I don't believe in heaven, but I do believe in the oneness of creation, that we all come from one Source, and to that we return, and what we believe we can become.  My Native American beliefs also have helped me recognize the signs and visits from Ishaq, in the dreams, and in the feathers he has sent; in the visits from the animal spirits.  A close friend of ours, a true medicine man and teacher, told me that Ishaq and all the ones I loved who have passed will be waiting for me when I cross over.  I already knew this, but it was validation for my beliefs.  I know it's different for each of us.  My Sikh, Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish and Hindu friends all have their own vision of the next life, and I believe for them it will be as they believe.  I don't think that if you slip up and doubt occassionally that you wil be denied your Heaven.  Reading your posts, you have a huge heart, and that should be enough to open the gates for you!

My own Sufi teacher is coming to visit this morning, on his way home up north.  He also lost his partner eight years ago.  He told me that there is still a hole in his heart from losing him, and that never really goes away.  He wrote this to me in his last email when I talked about that "hole in my heart":

The most profound thing about the "hole" is that it is increasing you heart's capacity. Nothing will open the heart more profoundly than the pain of love.

Blessings,

Anna

[crushedheart]

Thanks missque...I hope it works...

Sorry everyone didn't mean to offend anyone ..I was expressing MY own Views ..which I thought was my RIGHT on this board as well...We all have a different insite as too what we believe and what we don't ...and that is OUR own right ..I like to refer to myself as a human Christian ..subject to many mistakes as I walk this journey ..

Very well said Anna...I respect each and everyone one of you ..and again ..I'm so sorry if my entry offended anyone ..Hugs and My prayers  are with you all...

[aprilmoonflower]

crushedheart-I'm not offended and I am not a believer in "God" or any other entity. I don't believe in heaven and I certainly know my DH is not looking down on me nor waiting for me in an afterlife. (I do feel his energy still  exists in some form but not like most people think or anything i'll ever be able to comprehend as a human) don't worry, we all believe different things. it's ok! you have to hang on to what comforts you and helps you heal.  

 

[rodless]

I was not offended but I think sometimes Christians (I am one) kind of forget that there are lots of other perspectives and faiths because in most cases we are the majority and are taught to believe ours is the only way. I REALLY struggle with that but I don't want to get into a theology discussion here. I'll save it for my kids -  my son is a Presbyterian pastor and my daughter is a youth minister. We have some lively talks!

I believe in heaven and look forward to seeing my husband again there although he was not sure he believed in an afterlife of any kind even though he believed in God. I'm sure he has changed his mind by now (LOL) and is having wonderful learning opportunities. That's what I think happens there. And, yes, the thought of heaven gets sweeter every day, crushedheart, although I'm not in a hurry to get there as I was last year at this time.

I have very much enjoyed reading other points of view such as Anna's and April's through the past 16 months and think it is wonderful to have the opportunity to hear them. So I'm off into a cold windy night with snow predicted before morning....sure gets dark early! Wishing all of you the best always!! Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

I kind of work on the premise, whatever you believe is real for you, is good enough for me. I won't knock it or say you are wrong in any way. there's so many religions and belief systems in the world. not only can 1 be right or the correct way.

anyway I don't offend easily!

 

btw I grew up catholic and baptist.  (even went to catholic school for years!) I even studied krishna for a while and also considered myself a pagan for a bit too. but now just classify myself as atheist. though I believe more in environmentalism as a religion I guess you could say. I have been to a mosque and a synagogue (sp?) as well. (my grandpa is jewish too) I think whatever path you are on is great.

(unless your involved in a cult or doing illegal things or something like that) I also don't think spirituality defines religion.

 

 

[aprilmoonflower]

btw maryjo and dorothy I am dying to see pics of you two! lol.

[lindat]

Thank you Dorothy, I have been reading almost every day, but a little too overwhelmed to post until now.  Jim's surgery went well on Monday and I was able to take him home on Tuesday.  He has a catheter and lots of bandages and swelling, but is keeping a pretty good attitude.  I am spending nights there until he feels okay to be alone.  My appt on Monday was not very productive as far as I am concerned.  I will be having surgery sometime in the next month - they will call 10 days before to let me know when it is scheduled.  I will be having a lumpectomy unless it is found to be necessary to do more while they are doing it.   They will inject dye the day of the surgery so that they can see if it has spread to the lymph glands - and they will also be removed if it has spread.   Surgery will be followed by 6 weeks of radiation daily.   Chemo is not in the picture for right now - unless it has spread.   We will know in 4 - 5 weeks if Jim's cancer was contained in the prostate - that is when the first PSA will be given.   Still having trouble with the positive attitude, but I am dealing with things much better than a week ago.  Losing Terry was 10 times harder than this - but then I wanted to die.  I know for sure now that I want to live - so I will give it my best shot.   Thank you all for your emails and kind thoughts. xoxox  Linda

[missyouhoney811]

April, as soon as I figure out how to put my picture on..................I will post it. I have used the computer for many years but have not put that first picture on.  As a matter of fact I have a picture of John Robert and myself on the refrigerator taken when we were at the wedding in Texas in September. That is the one I wish to put on. Perhaps you could walk me through it.

I have spent four hours this evening putting all of Johns hospital bills that were from  the past 24  years in the trash. I made one big mistake  I started to read his medical history.  He was so sick for so many years even before he became paralyzed.  He was so strong to go on the way he did.  So, I got myself upset and started with the tears.  John Robert knew something was up with me today...........he called me five time. I am so blessed having him for my son.

Tomorrow morning I am going to my sisters in Coschocton, Ohio.  The little village of Roscoe has light up on Saturday evening.  We plan on doing a little shopping and going to dinner.  I'll return home on Sunday evening. I am trying to keep in close contact with both of my sisters. You know we are only here for a visit we must spread our love with all those special people that deserve it so their will never be any regrets.

Linda, my sister-in-law (Madge) had both breast removed. I believe its coming up to the fifth year after surgery. She is doing fine. She has always been in good spirits even during the worst moments going through all the therapy.  You are in my prayers.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[airymoon]

linda= try to keep your head up I know its hard. The teacher i work with was diagnosed with lung cancer in october (stage 4). She had told me she felt like she was finally in a place in her life where she looked forward to the future and then a week later was diagnosed. Try to think of the treatment as a good thing. My thoughts are with you and i will say a prayer for you i dont pray very often anymore but i will for you

Becky

[grannyc]

 Dear Crushedheart;

I enjoyed your posting and whole heartedly share your beliefs.   I think you got more response than I've seen on the subject.

Dear Anna,

No one ever seems to respond for or against your postings on your beliefs.  I wonder why?

Crushedheart; are your's threatening or hit to the core of us?

Just kinda my food for thought I guess. (lol)

G.  Cheryl

[armaiti]

Linda, I am thinking of you every day, and will keep you in my prayers.  I have had several friends with varying degrees of breast cancer, and they have all pulled through and been fine.  It sounds like you are getting it early and that's important. 

GrannyC - I'm not sure I understand the point of your post, saying that no one seems to comment or speak for or against my beliefs...actually, it seems people have commented fairly often.  As I've said before, I believe in each person's right to their own beliefs, including their right to not believe in anything.  We each walk our own paths.  My path is different than most folks on this board, so I often go into more detail to clarify what I believe, and how I have lived my life since Ishaq's passing.  I don't believe that my way is right for everyone - part of the Sufi path is to not go out and try to convert anyone.   Those of us who have come to it have found our way here on our own, because our hearts called us to it.  Each person goes where their heart is called.  My response to Crushedheart was not because her beliefs are threatening to me, but because I felt strongly that her belief will carry her through to the afterlife that she believes in, just as mine will for me.

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Linda, I have thought of you so often and was glad to see your post. My mom is a 12 year survivor of breast cancer so think positive!! Anna, I like your new pic. I have one to post just not sure how to do it. Does it invlove a scanner? For as much as I use computers at work I'm not good at that sort of thing. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, you need to have the picture already in digital format to upload it.  You would scan it and save it to your computer, or if you don't have a scanner, you could do it at a Kinko's or similar store, and save it to a disk, then put it on your computer.  If you have a friend with a scanner, they could scan it and email it to you.  Then you go to your Account Settings here on Beyond Indigo, and click on "avatar" and it you can browse your computer for the picture and then upload it, and it will become your avatar picture that appears with your user name.

Hope that helps!  The picture I put up is from our last Christmas  at home together, right before we were going out to perform with the band,so we were in our belly dance musician finery.  I actually got that ebroidered coat at the Goodwill, and his vest at another thrift store!  I gave the vest to his brother-in-law, who loves it.

Blessings,

Anna

[missque]

Also not offended at all...I personally dont know what I believe...I believe there is something but im not sure what.. I'm not sure if I believe in Heaven or not. I believe Jeremy is looking down on us all but I'm not sure if its the "heaven" we are all tought to believe. I believe in what Silvia Brown talks about (shes on Montel a lot) - how they are all around us and come and go etc. I do feel him with me... I even feel a heavey weight on me in bed sometimes as if his arms are around me... but as far as a god and a heaven and angels im not sure yet

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda- thinking of you (((hugs))) I hope you get good answers all around and SOON.

maryjo & dorothy- I am not at all very technical. I know you can scan a pic and upload it. or if you have a digital camera it is easy to upload pics. not much help, am I?

Grannyc- why do you care so much what others believe? just don't worry about it so much! we all will get along how we are supposed to. whatever path that may be.  anyway I doubt anyone wants to argue about religion here. no offense to you of course. I just think this board is a safe place for EVERYONE, not just christians!

 

 

[rodless]

I have a scanner at work (and I do know how to use it) so will try to get the picture up next week by emailing it to myself. It's always good to learn something new. I am spoiled...have a tech person on my staff who does all the really hard stuff. We're just sitting around here waiting to see how much ice and snow we get tomorrow. Guess it's time but yuck.

[missque]

The way I read and understood the original comment from Crushedheart (and i could be wrong on what she had actually meant) but I took it just simply has her beng a religious person and just feeling sorry that others didnt believe in something because of the comfort that it brings her. Regardless of the situation or what we do/dont believe in she just wanted everyone to feel better and know that we can find comfort in our loss. I believe she was just using this area to vent- as we all often do. Anyways like I said I could be wrong and have misinterpreted her post in the wrong way- but thats how it came across to me and that is why im not bothered by the posting she made or ones that others have made. It shouldnt matter what board we post on about what- because at the end of the day we've all lost someone we love and we are here to vent our feelings and talk to there, just knowing there are others out there (even if its on a different board) doesnt matter.

Lots of love to you all!

[airymoon]

i agree with missque i dont think any thing was meant by the comment and i think it is hard to read feelings or intent into words. I lso feel sorry for people who dont have anything to hold on to in their grief whether that is their belief or something else i held on to my kids and my friends. My best friend recently lost her sister and her faith in God is stronger. Everybody is different and we need to remember to listen and read with an open mind and no judgements especially here. I wasn't offended, in fact i am rarely offended here because i believe that it is not said with mal-intent on this site

becky

[tearsofaclown]

Crushedheart I didn't see anything offensive in your post either.   What I found offensive was the gentle chastisement to you for your voicing your beliefs and concerns in a couple of responding posts while others here are permitted and encouraged to freely voice their beliefs and feelings regardless of whether they're offensive to me, and other Christians.  It's a shame but a fact that today every religion has that precious freedom of speech with the exception of our Christian religion.  We must take our opinions and feelings and water them down so that they're acceptable to those we might offend.   Your sentiment was heartfelt, who wouldn't worry about someone with no hope.  Surely anyone of any religion can understand that concern.  My condolences to everyone who has lost a loved one, no matter their race or religion.  My greater condolences to those who hold no hope of meeting their loved ones again after this life.  My even greater condolences to those who must chastise believers of one religion, claiming that religion themselves, while freely giving those rights of expression to those of other faiths. 

[crushedheart]

Hello everyone.. I've just finished my morning prayers...Linda I'm so sorry your walking this path after going through everything else..I wish with all of my heart you lived closer to me I'd walk it with you daily ..if nothing else just to let you know I as many other's on here really do care..

Thanks everyone for your very interesting replies to my post...  Tears ..Missque ..Becky  April...that's exactally what I meant ...

I will also say good bye to you folks on here...since my posts would contain things about MY GOD and how he's bring me through this horrific time in my life...would only be misunderstood ...I will come back daily and find new names adding them to my prayer list tho ..Take Good care of yourselfs everyone ..Find Peace and Harmony in your daily walk in what ever way you can ..

 

Granny C ...If God brings us too it ..He will always see us through it  right?...Love ya

Hugs and MY Prayers are with you all...................Always !

[missque]

crushed- im so sorry you feel that you need to leave i wish that weren't the case. I hope u do well, we are always thinking of u!

[armaiti]

Crushed, I'm also sorry you feel you need to leave this board.  Just because I'm of a different spiritual faith I don't think you need to edit your posts or not talk about God.  Just because our versions of the divine differ doesn't mean that I don't appreciate your path.  I hope my posts have not contributed to your leaving the board; if so, I am sorry, because I have mainly tried to write about how my tradition has kept me going as well.  I hope you reconsider and keep posting here. 

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

crushedheart- I'm so sorry you feel the need to leave the board. I hope you will stay!

[rodless]

If anyone leaves the board it will be me. I'm doing enough better and have enough support at home that I really don't need it. I just like to keep up with the ones I have had contact with here and most of them rarely post anymore. I'm sorry I even replied to crushed heart's original post and I hopr she stays with you here. Frankly, I think this whole thing escalated into something beyond what we're here for. Yes, tearsofaclown, I am a Christian, but I appreciate those who choose not to be.

[sueboo60]

crushedheart,i hope you dont leave too.For i too beleive in God and i know that is where my husband went.And i know i will see   him someday and we will be with our grandson that was killed in a wreck dec.4th 2004 he just turn 20 killed by a drug and alcohol driver,but he got saved 2 weeks before the wreck so i will be glad when i see them both again.I know some people dont beleive in this but thats ok i dont have to answer to them just my self and God.I also will be praying for everyone.God Bless you all

[aprilmoonflower]

mary jo I will seriously cry if you leave!

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, I hope you stay too...I think it's important that folks who are at all levels of the grieving/recovery/remembering/falling apart process post here - and that includes the ones that feel they are doing better.  It showed me there was a light somewhere in the darkness that I could look to, when I wouldn't feel like I just couldn't go on one more day without Ishaq.  So I hope you stay and keep posting as well as Crushedheart and everyone else.  

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

anyway can we move on to another topic? what are you girls doing for the holidays? anyone destroying some trees this year?lol. btw where is Darlene? she emailed me when the board changed over but I haven't heard from her again! Michele? Lisa? who else is missing?

I hope everyone is well. wherever you are.

btw I have decided to start wearing my wedding rings again. it seems so absurd after 2 years though but feels right too. plus they are very nice rings. I mightas well wear them!  :dude:

[missque]

Im having a really bad night and when i try to rationalize why it just seems like such a stupid reason. I was supposed to go to the bar tonight with my friend TJ (he was one of jer's best friend's- ever since he died we've become really close; more than we were before). Anyways we talked ysterday and decieded we'd go out tonight for some fun with other friend, i called him tonight at around 6 pm, and he said he would call me when they went out its now 1:07am and he still hasnt called not to mention hes not answering his cell. I just really wanted a fun night out with friends tonight and i was looking forward to it since i dont usually have the mood to go out anymore. I just feel like crap I dont evne thnk it has anyyhing to do with him not calling and not going out but more that jeremy isnt here to go ut with. not going to the bar was never an option on a weekend night with him- he loved to go out and have fun with friends. Even on the off chance he didnt feel like going out but i did he'd make all the guys get together and go out no matter what just cuz i wanted to. i just feel like im alone on a saturday night when i wanna be out with friends cuz of him. if he was here i wouldnt be sitting around wishing i was out having fun. i guess its kinda hard to explain. i just wish he were here so i could have some fun tonight with friends. i can honestly say if i were given the option to be alive tomorrow or not; at this point i'd pick not. please dont freat im not the type to hurt my self at all and thus can promise u i will be here lol, i just feel like its getting so hard to deal with. I truly only have 1 friend here now and thats tj and with him not calling just really hurts. NOne of my other friends that i used to have even talk to me anymore... I mean i have aquantices people i see at school and stop to talk to but i dont have the friends the close ones that i used to do. They've either all moved back home or just dont talk to me anymore because 'im too complicated now that ive lost the person i love'

i hate life

[grannyc]

CrushedHeart,

Please stay on Board.  :shock:

I have made some great e-mail pals through this site that we privately communicate back and forth through e-mails if you'd ever want to do that.

Think about it!

G.Cheryl

[aprilmoonflower]

missque- sorry you are going through a tough time. I am still waiting for people to not act so wierd around me. even new friends seems to pity me when they find out I'm a widow! I have the the most luck finding friends through a single parents group wierdly enough.. maybe you could join a new group or something? I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear, but maybe meeting some new people will help?

[airymoon]

First  i want to ask crushed heart and rodless not to leave the board. Frankly i think the whole thing has been blown way out of proportion and it is understandable because the hoidays are stressful enough even when you're not going through a grieving process. This is a place where we can express our thoughts and opinions without fear of judgement or criticism and i hope it stays that way. I am having a hard time accepting God back into my life and i feel thats ok for me right now becauseit is what i feel i also think it is ok for the people whose faith has became stronger to express that too and i truly love hearing about other paths they follow because no one way is hte right or only way for everybody and i may just be on the wrong path for me and learning about other religions or beliefs may just point me to the path i need OR confirm the one i am on. Please take sone time to think about your decision before you make it i know i will miss you both if you leave.

Missque-your bad night may not only be because of missing jeremy but also because you have come to rely on tj as a connection to jeremy. And also because you have finally reached the point where you are ready to attempt haveing fun and that didn't happen so it was yet another loss or disappointment. I find that when i do feel like getting out of myself for a while it never seems to be when anybody else is available to go with me. So some days it works out and others not so much. Give tj some time and then call him and ask what happened. I agree with April too try getting involved in new things or groups to meet new people. You never know what friends you could have until you meet them.

Becky

[laquinn]

Oh the last 3 days have been so hard for some reason not sure why. I went to Randy's grive on Thurdsday afternoon to take a Christmas tree out to him and when I pulled up there it was a grave pillow and I did not put it there. I asked everyone I knew and they all told me they had not put it there. So I no not where this came from and it hurt me so much that someone would take that  away from me. On  Friday I finished picking up and putting stuff away in the garage and when I was done I went in and just sit on his tractor and cried it felt like I could not breath it hurt so bad and it still does  today. Saturday I just couldn't do anything so I stayed in bed all day and slept. Today has not been any eaisier I just don't know what to do any more. I really thought by now my heart would stop hurting so bad but it hasn't. Today I just feel that I can't go on with out him and I am not sure what to do. All the friends that were there when he died all said they would be there for me but none of them have been. I sit at home all day and night most of the time and no one calls or comes over. The pain in my heart still feels the same way it did the night that he died in my arms here at home. I miss him so much I really wish that it was me that was gone and not him because he could have delt with this so much better than I am

[Error username not found]

laquinn.. i know exactly how you feel. ive gone to the cemetery and seen things there that i did NOT  put there and ppl i know dint either. its really annoying because i feel like i have no say. to me, if he was here we would be together and thats it..but not knowing who the hell is going there and leaving things annoys me. i dont know..it just does.alos.. ive been feeling really crushed lately. i tried to go out for a friends bday and it really just sucked. i saw a million ppl i cant stand ..and yes..for some reason they all came up to me as if they dont know i cant stand them. it was just a waist of time and i feel guilty for going out when he isnt even here to tell me what he wants to do. this is bullshit. i just want him back..and honestly..sometimes i think i would rather be dead then feel like this all the time.maybe if it was me instead of him it would be better.thats selfish,but i deserve to be a little selfish after over a year of just pointless longing for something i can never have.the worst part of this whole thing is that all the feelings i have will never be answered by what i want. women whos husbands are locked up or something have hope.they know theyll come home one day. .. me.. i just fantasize about what i wish could happen but i know it never will. life is bullshit. im goina bed.

[fourleafclover]

Hello everyone...hello Naz,

I haven't been on for such a long time, but I have been reading all the posts every single day.

Naz:  How are you doing?  From what I read, things didn't turn out too well regarding your grandfather's estate.  Please remember:  one day at a time.

I am so saddened by all the new names (faces) on this board.  So sorry to each and everyone of you.

The reason I decided to post today is because I have read that there are people who want to leave.  For one, Rodless...you cannot leave.  I remember all the things  you told me when I first joined and you have helped me so much, it makes me sad to think that you won't be there for the next person.  It doesn't matter what people's beliefs are, so long as you know that yours cannot be "shaken".  Everybody has that right, and also as long as there is no interference in yours.

Just a quick rundown of me for the new people:  I lost my everything seven years, 8 months and 13 days ago.  I have never gotten over it, although I have remarried a wonderful, wonderful man.  He never told me he was ill and I left me a year before he died.  I only found out a year after he died and it left me suicidal.  Thanks to everyone here; Naz, Rodless, so many to name...I have finally been able to live again and be the mother and wife I should be.  The hurt is still there, everyday:  the questions and the pain...but one day at a time.

Please don't leave this board.  Please!

[missque]

Hi all. I can understand your frustration when something has been placed at the cemetary. Keep an open mind though; for a while in high school I used to go to my dad's and leave stuff and when my mom asked if anyone knew where it came from i'd lie. I didnt wanna deal with the convo that would follow i wouldnt beable to handle it. It also shows how loved the person was. A few of my brothers friends go to my dads grave, he was a like a second dad to them. They even spoke at his funeral. In all the frustration try and keep an open mind- someone loved and cared for him enough to go out of their way to go there. Maybe they are just not ready to tell you?

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]I just returned from my Ohio trip.................truly enjoyed myself with my sister and brother-in-law.  They live in a small town but it is such a fun and happy place to be.  The weather was bad coming home snow, ice and very windy.

MaryJo, no option for you to leave the board  "YOU HAVE TO STAY" ....... I found this site January, 2007  you helped me in so many ways on the walk getting out of the tunnel of grief. I remember the early days of grieving and the most impotant thing in my life at that time was to find someone to talk to .......... and you were always their to listen and give me feed back.........if I felt extremely low and sad..........your words would help me and slowly I would climb out of that dark hole.   I believe it would truly be a great loss if you no longer gave your input.........I wish we lived closer we could go out and have dinner and drinks.............cry or laugh (maybe both). You have become my friend and it would be a void if you left the board.  If you wish to talk please e-mail me..........dorothy.herman@comcast.net

I will post later to everyone else.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

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[rodless]

I thought maybe if I stopped posting, crushed heart and some of the others would feel more comfortable. My comments were certainly not meant to start a ruckus. (lol)

I also struggle with things left at the cemetery that I do not put out. I know stuff is proabably from Rod's kids and that's ok but I wish they would remove them when they are out of season or blown to bits and looking tacky. (It's starting to look like a graveside garage sale) or buy nicer arrangements that look more like real flowers. But to each their own...we all loved him and we all miss him.

So far I'm fine with the holidays. Put up the tree etc. on Saturday and it was kind of nice to see some familar things. I tend to decorate with old time St. Nick & Santa stuff. Also have some family pieces from when my mom broke up her house. Otherwise I have handed stuff over to my kids and don't miss it.

I found  a bookmark that says "If each smile you gave me was a star, I would hold the night sky in my hand." Somehow that is a great comfort to me right now. Rod & I loved to drive out into the country and stargaze. I still miss him but it's a gentle pain and not that huge hurting sick ache anymore. He would be the first to tell me to go on and enjoy life so this year I'm really trying. The best thing I have found is friends in the same boat. Sometimes you have to reach out to find them rather than thinking someone will call you.

Hope everyone will have a good week. Mary Jo

[rodless]

laquinn, I have been thinking about you all morning. Your words about sitting on the tractor really hit home. My place was a recliner but the same feeling. Sometimes all you can do is get from one moment to the next because absolutely nothing helps. Sometimes staying in bed and digging into the grieving is the best thing and I have done that, but most of the time I forced myself into a walk or a swim or made myself call someone or went to a movie. The more I did it the easier it got and I learned how to help myself. Even people with the best intentions go on with their lives and tend to forget that they promised to "be there for you."

The first time I went out with Blue Moons sisters, a group of widows who go out once a month to eat, I had a really hard time being there. I thought everyone in the place was looking at me and saying "Oh, isn't it too bad." But I made myself go again. Last valentine's day a widowed friend and I called everyone we knew who would be alone. We  reserved a room at a local restaurant and then all went to Dreamgirls. Ages were 40-85 and the best part of the night was how thrilled some of the older ladies were to be included since some of them could not drive. Since then once in awhile we throw another girls night out and let the word spread.

I don't mean to be a Pollyanna Sunshine but whenever I wanted to die because I missed Rod so much, I really tried to think positive and dwell on how grateful I was to have had him in my life at all. You have no idea how hard that was because I am usually a half empty glass type of personality. But now after 17 months of trying so hard to do that, I am finding that thinking spilling over to almost everything.

We all do it our own way and on our own timetable, but I hope these words will be of some help. If nothing else sit in your car and scream your head off. That's also helpful....just make sure no one can hear you. Hang in there...you will get through this. I know that because in July 2006 I didn't think I could even make it to the next morning. Mary Jo

[laquinn]

MaryJo

Sitting here right now is just so hard and yes the crying has started. My grandson who is 3 called me to day and said nana you no crying today are you? and all I could do was smile and give him a laugh and the him no baby not right now. Then he said love u nana those are the times that I would miss if I didn't have him around. Yeah somedays if I could just pull the covers over my had and wish really hard that it was all a really bad dream I would do it but it's not and someday this hurt will not be as bad as it is now but that someday is not now and I don't see it being to near not yet.

Thanks for what u said I don't think I would be this far if not for this place. So Thank You all for all of your advice and just listening.

Lela

[lindat]

Mary Jo,  I would miss you so much if you stopped posting.   You always seem to say what I need to hear.   I am in such a weird place right now that it is hard to post, but I read every day.   My heart goes out to all the new ladies, hope you find some peace here.  Linda

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda- we are all thinking of you..

[lindat]

 April, thank you.  You guys are all such a source of support right now.   I appreciate your emails and prayers and have faith that everything will work out for the best - at least most of the time  

[armaiti]

There has been a really nasty storm hitting Oregon for these past two days.  Wind gusts have been knocking my plants over, and the park across the street is covered with branches.  I had a power outage last night, but not for too long, luckily.  I miss curling up in Ishaq's arms while the wind howls outside.

Today I saw on the news that the biggest Sitka spruce, up by Seaside, Oregon, snapped in half today.  It was over 700 years old.  When we used to go up to our Sufi Camp when it was in Washington, Ishaq and I and his kids would always stop there and walk into the park to see it.  And now it's gone too. 

I got a card from Ishaq's daughter today, a handmade Christmas card, that she somehow had time to make during her second year of medical school!  She is so sweet, and wrote how she thinks of me often.  She mentioned the Christmas trees that wouldn't fit in the house, which Ishaq always insisted on getting, and then had to trim by about a third to make them fit.  He loved Christmas.  I bought a little mini-tree at Trader Joe's today and put it on the ancestor altar, next to his picture.  I'm getting ready to do a sale here of my art on Saturday, so I'm decorating the house up for that...I seem to be doing ok with the whole holiday thing this year...but it doesn't mean that I don't miss Ishaq every minute.

Take care everyone, and Linda, you especially - I think of you every day.

Blessings,

Anna

[grannyc]

Dear Crushedheart, I am still looking forward to having you come back on and post!

Please realize you are needed here by more than just me!

Sincerely

Cheryl

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