I Miss Him So...

[naz496]

Hi all

am struggling a bit this week. Its the first anniversary of Mal's death in 2 days and I still dont know what to do. My 7yo refuses to goto the crematorium . do I make him. I wanted to release balloons. or do I just do it myself. Any sugestions.

these are the memorials that I put in the paper.

GODBEE Mal

17-11-69 ~ 11/12/06

One minute you were with us the next you were gone. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you did not go alone. If loving you could have saved you. You would

have never died. A million times we think of you, a million times we’ve cried. So when

tomorrow starts without you, don’t think we’re far apart... For every time we think

of you, your right here in our hearts. We miss you daddy, keep on trucking.

 

17-11-69 ~ 11/12/06

In Loving Memory

The parting came so suddenly one year ago today, with farewells left unspoken you sadly slipped away. Sad are the hearts that loved you, silent are the tears

that fall, living life without you, is the hardest part of all. Our family chain is broken

and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one the chain will link again. So put your arms around him Lord and touch his smiling face for he was one so precious that cannot be replaced.

Dearly loved and missed

 

peace to all

naz

[missyouhoney811]

April, hopefully we will be able to do Sedona in the not too distant future.  The one thing that my son has that I wish I had is his height.......with my 4 inch heels I don 't look as short as I am.  If I only had 3 more inches on my height that would make me happy. Do you think Santa would do that for me???? LOL

I have my Christmas Cards on the table...............that to me is progress.  Maybe within the next few days I will have them in the mail.  I feel total peace within myself lately.  I hope it last. It is a good feeling.

Enjoy making your cookies. I really enjoyed doing things like that when my son was young.  So many fun things to do when you have little ones.

Take care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Naz, my heart goes out to you I know that first year feeling all to well. Be gentle with yourself and go with whatever makes you happy. If it were me I would let my son decide on his own whether or not he wants to go.  I would not force him.  As far the baloons I would still have them.

It was good to hear from you.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Naz, I know how hard the first anniversary is too.  I'm with Dorothy on this one, if your son doesn't want to go, I wouldn't force him either. 

Dorothy, I'm only 5'2", and I love to wear heels too.  When Ishaq put his arms around me, he would rest his chin on the top of my head, if we were standing up, since he was 6' tall.  But I love my Manolos (which I've been getting on sale at Neiman Marcus online for like $126!! - since I'm not rich I can't afford them when they are full price, I have to wait for the final cut sale and take my chances!)

I had my sale today and it was slow but fun.  I had some friends drop by and buy things, I made around $170 I think,so it was totally worth it.  And I put stuff across the street at the other sale for tomorrow.  Plus, today I got the Oregon State tax kicker refund for Ishaq, which was $258.  Tonight's the lottery...wouldn't that be fun.  Hey, if I win millions of dollars, I'll pay for everyone to come to Sedona and that's a promise!

I was playing the Christmas Carol CD of Ishaq singing today while the sale was going on, and had his picture with a candle burning in front of it surrounded by poinsettas.  I decided to do my tree with all blue lights, those new LED ones that are so rich and blue, because even if I'm doing better this year, it's still a blue Christmas without Ishaq here.

Ok, I'm rambling on...probably from the rum and eggnog my neighbors at the other sale kept feeding me!  Hope you all have a peaceful night.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

let me see if i can get a pic up....

ok..me and my son at his 8th gradegrad last june.

he looks goofy, trying to be as tall as me, but he is now! yikes! and he looks completely different in less than 6 months. I look the same.

it this works i'll post other pics of me and tom too..but this is just a more recent pic.

here we goooooooooooooooo

[mishknit]

now, how do i make that small like all the rest!!!! lol!!!!

did anyone think i looked like me?

\and dorothy....my question was a teasing one about your son. i figured it was him, but there was a little "hmm..dorothy with a younger hunk' in it! lol!

and naz...the things you wrote were beautiful. I'm with the others, let your son decide what he's willing to do.....just give him the opportunity and see what he does. i'll be thinking about you at your year.

peace all,

michele

who has to go to a christmas party tonite and just wants to stay in her pjs

[armaiti]

Michele, the small ones are uploaded as you "avatar".  Go to your "my account" button, click on "Avatar" and then browse to the picture and upload it.

Great picture!  I thought you might have shoulder length hair.  Great haircut though!  And great picture.

Anna

[airymoon]

michelle  ill do you one better. When my husband died my oldest was 17 he turned 18 in october 4 months ofter kurt died. in april he moved into his own apartment because he said he didnt like the decisions i was making such as going out with my friends and spending time in the gym and i was becoming interested in someone but that was a disaster and my son gave me an I told you so when he found out. Now my other son is 16 and he has been at my side constantly and i often think that i would like him to get out of the house with his friends but when he calls and says he's going i feel so alone. i still have my daughter who is only 9 so we do a lot together but i dread the day when she starts doing things on her own. It has made me realize how lonely the house will be by myself. It is really hard to let them go out but i also know that i cant make my life theirs and the best thing for them is to encourage their independence and let them have their own time, but that is really hard to do .

becky 

[airymoon]

naz those were beautiful. i dont know if i would make your son go to the crematorium he may just not be ready to be there yet. If you want to release balloons maybe you could do that somewhere that was special to mal and your family. I am having a hard time this christmas not so angry but just sad and blah not in a holiday spirit at all and my kids want me to be.

i wish you peace

becky

[rodless]

Michele, you looked about like I pictured you although I also thought your hair would be long..kind of a Saradan look. I remember you saying it was red. Nice picture and good looking kid! In fact no one except Dorothy has been a big surprise. I wish I looked that good!

Ok, Becky, load up the paint balls.... there's a reindeer at the house on the corner that squeals when it turns its head. My dog loves it. She makes a beeline for it, plops her butt down and would watch it for most of the evening if I let her. After 3 days I'm ready to blast the sucker....or at least oil it.

Beautiful snow today and gorgeous evening. Just wish the ice wasn't so thick under it. Slippy-slidy, that's me. I got called to go out to eat but chose to stay home in my pj's so my friends stopped over here for awhile. They both lost husbands within a year of me and we've become really close. It's nice. Then after they left I pulled sweats/coat etc. on and went for a walk with the dog. I usually do my best praying outside under the sky and it was a great evening for that.

 

[airymoon]

mj  im ready! not actually as satisfying as it would be if it was because it was christmas not because it squeals, but hey im game.

becky

sorry about so many posts but it is easier to post to each one because i cant go back and read to check details as i post like before

[rodless]

Becky.. you're right. I'll just aim my can of wd40 at it. Good night! 

[missyouhoney811]

Michele, you caught me....................the guy in the picture is really my pool boy LOL

Is he really to young for me?  I am just being silly.............

I enjoyed my night at the party. I would have stayed longer but the weather man is calling for ice and snow.  I thought it would be best for me to get home before the bad weather hit our area. We truly do live in a small world. I was talking to a lady I  never met before.  She was into gambling (slots) and she travels to West Virginia to gamble. I told her she should go to Vegas............where the real fun is. She mentioned her husband did not like to gamble. All of a sudden a man started to come towards me with a big smile saying I know you and  I replied I also know you.  It turned out he was the ladies husband I was talking with.  He was also just retired from being a fireman. In our area first call response after you call 911 is the fire department.  This man was in my house many, many, many times taking care of my husband while waiting for the ambulance to come to take my John to the hospital. I could not believe it.

I had a couple glasses of wine and I am ready to go to sleep. I will talk to everyone tomorrow.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

So I'm sitting here writing Xmas cards...how to sign?  I still don't feel like it's just me.  I feel Ishaq's presence.  So here's what I decided.  I'm signing them all "Love, Anna and the cats, & Ishaq, in spirit!".   It felt good the first time I wrote it, and it felt better each time.  All these people I'm sending cards too knew and loved him, many were his spiritual students.  So here I go - doing it "my way" again!

...and eating too much fudge from Holiday Market while I write....

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Anna, I remember the first time I signed my name alone on a card. My kids had birthdays shortly after Rod died, and it was really hard to just sign Mom. I think you made a great choice. As to the fudge...people bring us stuff at work all the time...and it's so good...and I can't leave it alone. Guess I'd better swim tomorrow night. The dang pool has been so cold it's hard to go there. I mean, honestly, goosebumps while swimming laps is not good! I heard from the grapevine that they're trying to conserve energy (and probably money) but they're going to end up driving us away. The water aerobics girls are complaining, too, so maybe it's better. Haven't been there for two weeks.

Kind of a rough afternoon. Took the dog to the park. We have a small lake with a walking path and it's usually cleared off so it's easier than battling sidewalks. I have avoided being out there because of memories. Rod & I spent a lot of time walking there when he was healthy and then later he would drive out with us (the dog and me) and watch us chase rabbits and do our thing. I really miss seeing that van waiting which is one reason I traded it off. Couldn't handle it sit in the parking lot without him in it...seeing a gray Odyssey still bothers me.

I need to do cards. Just can't get into the mood. Last year I sent out a letter after the new year telling about Rod's passing. Didn't want to damp down anyone's holiday who hadn't heard.

So maybe we need to start a list..."I don't want to but I need to do______" and encourage each other to get it done. I sympathize with all of you who have children. I remember how rotten the first couple of Christmases were after my divorce. The year I put together a pretty pony stable and he-man castle by myself being the worst.

Have a good week. Mary Jo

[laquinn]

Hope you are all doing well tonight. I sat down yesterday afternoon and did my christmas cards they are all ready to go in the mail tomorrow. Yeah writting my name only was really hard but I got through it.

Well I got some good news today, a friend of mine has opened a bar and grill in town and them knowing that I don't need to work but need something to keep me busy they offered me a job in the kitchen, so I think I am gonna take it just to get out of the house and keep my mind busy. Just tired of sitting around thinking  the what if's all the time and crying all day and that way I can get in my exercise by walking all over the place. haha.

Gonna get my grocery list done so I can start making cookies I hope this week all have a good night  and try to stay warm.

Lela

[grannyc]

[align=center]This is a poem that was on a Birthday gift I received last week.  It is a beautiful[/align]

[align=center]cherry wood covered album for our Memories[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]The Reunion of the Heart[/align]

[align=center]Since Heaven has become your home[/align]

[align=center]I sometimes feel I'm so alone;[/align]

[align=center]and though we now are far apart[/align]

[align=center]you hold a big piece of my heart.[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]I never knew how much I'd grieve[/align]

[align=center]when it was time for you to leave,[/align]

[align=center]or just how much my heart would ache[/align]

[align=center]from that big fragment you would take.[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]God lets this tender hole remain[/align]

[align=center]reminding me we'll meet again,[/align]

[align=center]and one day all the pain will cease[/align]

[align=center]When He restores the missing piece.[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]For Jesus heals each tiny part[/align]

[align=center]that holds your memory in my heart.[/align]

[align=center]This tearful heart reminds me of[/align]

[align=center]when He'll unite us in His Love[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]((Hugs to all You))[/align]

[align=center]Granny Cheryl[/align]

[aprilmoonflower]

I just found out my stupid husband was CHEATING on me.

unbelieveable. this changes everything. I can't believe how dumb I am.

I just took down every pic of him in the house. screw him!

[armaiti]

OMG, April, I am soooo sorry!  I don't know what to say...how did you find out?

And all of you in the midwest, are you ok?  I heard there is a major ice storm happening.

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

well I was havijng to install something through his part of the computer and stumbled on some emails..

this chic was at the FUNERAL. I feel so dumb. not to mention totally devastated! what an asshole! I'm having his babies and he's out doing cocaine and having affairs. nice.:X ifeellike dumping his ashes in the toilet right now. seriously. (I'm not going to but I want to!)

[laquinn]

April I just found out last Wednesday that my husband had been doing the same. I also was trying to do something on the computer and came across the emails and pics that were sent to him. Also found out he a my space that listed him as single. I mean I know we had our problems but never would have thought anything about this nothing... I guess u just never know any more thought I did after being with him for 27 years.

I hope u are ok me I had a melt down a bad one and called one of his friends and talk to him for an hour he offered to come over and get rid of everything for me so I did not have to see it anymore but I took care of it.

Hope your days get better

Lela

[aprilmoonflower]

Lela- oh actually this changes everything! wow. here I am mounring for someone who was a complete loser!!!!! I just need time to process it.. above all I just feel so stupid! sorry you are going through the same thing.

[armaiti]

Lela, I'm so sorry this happened to you too.

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

It does change how the grieving for them goes now because all the time I thought that I was the only one that he loved but I guess now I really know there was somone else that he shared things with not just me. I was so mad that night  I bowled not just cried it hurt so bad I could not breath and his friend just kept trying to get me to calm down. But it hurts really hurts:( But I WILL NOT TELL HIS BOYS what I found out the only one other than you guys that know is his friend that is something that I can not tell them I want them to remember there dad the way he was.

Lela

[laquinn]

Anna thanks I guess we just never know what our partner is thinking or doing if they don't talk to us. That is how we were for the last 6 months of his life he would not tell me how he felt about the cancer what he wanted to do or anything. So in a way I guess I feel really stupid about how I feel about him. I still love him and I guess there will always be a part in my heart that always will but it does changes things.

Lela

[aprilmoonflower]

oh my kids just saw me take down every picture of him. what a loser! I'm sure it will be known how I feel. I feel so sorry for them. maybe it is better he is dead after all. I hate to say that but wtf?!? It is just surreal and unbelievable! He was telling her things in email what he told me in our WEDDING vows. I am so changing my kids names now to mine! (Never took his name thankfully!) I have been meaning to do it but now it will be priority!

I feel so sick to my stomach at this point! I am sooo stupid!

[laquinn]

yeah I guess there are quit abit of us  stupid women out there because ever since he passed I just keep doing or saying stupid stuff to the people that are my friends. Been doing that alot lately but they still keep coming back.

I guess the reason that I can't tell my boys is that they are older (25 & 23) and I don't want them to think of there dad any other way.

I have left up his pictures in the living room because my grandsons come over and they talk to their papa but I have changed the way that I feel now and I kinda feel that I can maybe move on alittle bit more with my life. If that makes any since.

 One other thing I guess all the time I was wanting him to talk to me he didn't need  to he had someone else to talk to.

Lela

[aprilmoonflower]

lela- I admire you for your strength. I am just devastated though! I even emailed the woman! from what I can tell she is in OR and not my state so maybe it was an online thing, but still I feel so betrayed. our marriage was obviously a joke!

[laquinn]

April I did not even look at the names just the pics and then when I could breath again I got back in the computer and just hit delite to all of it. Yeah the next couple of days were bad for me but today I feel ok I am just trying not to think about it anymore not sure if that ishow I should have handled it or not but

Found out tonight the new job I am taking starts Wednesday kinda scared haven't work in the past 2 years but I think I will  do ok and that is less time to sit around and find out other things that I probly don't want to know

Have a good night and maybe soon you can put it all out of your mind I am not saying it is gone from my mine but I have pushed it to the back for now anyway.

Talk to you again I think I am going to go to bed got a little headach starting

Lela

[missyouhoney811]

April, I can't believe it.  I am so sorry. You have been through enough already now this. 

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Lela, I am also so sorry this happened to you.  Life takes you down so many different roads.  Not fear..............

Dorothy

[laquinn]

no not fair at all but I will get over it not sure when but I will not let it get me down or think the worst of myself all will be ok someday soon.

Thanks Lela

[teach61]

I had to sign up for this board again because I could not remember my password, etc.  My husband died from a brain tumor in June 04.  I read the board but rarely post.  However I am also from central Illinois, Decatur, and see there are a lot of fellow Illinois people on this board at this time.  I see that someone was even born in Decatur.  I guess it is a small world.  I hope our ice storms quickly pass.  Peace to all of you.

[rodless]

April & Lela, I went through the cheating thing with with my ex....even though it's been 24 yrs. since the divorce, it still rankles. Rod has a similar experience with his ex-wife. Maybe that's why it took us 5 yrs. to decide to get married. It's devastating and I feel for both of you. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Mary Jo- yeah see I even lived with him for 5 years BEFORE marrying him just to make sure! (I was married once before too) I was so sure he was who he seemed to be. I guess I was wron., or else maybe it was the cocaine rotting his brain? For the first time ever I am glad he is dead because if he were here I'd kill him! (Just kidding, sort of) what a jerk though. I feel so devastated. I emailed her again btw. I doubt she will email me back but I wanted her to know a thing or two (he was even sending her pics of our newborn daughter!) ugh so sickening! and NOT The man I married. I hate him right now. truly.

all this progress I feel I've made in 2 years and I feel like I just got knocked completely down! ackk! 

[missque]

april and lela

so sorry to read about what happened. it is devistating. I went through it with my Jeremy but i chose to stick it out and im happy we did because it actually made us even closer. Bit of a diferent situation though it only happened once and he hated the girl it happeend with - then she started trying to break us up so she could date him. regardless it never happened again but we became closer and more in love (i know im crazy lol) i just loved him and i knew he was special i couldnt just leave. However i cant imagine how you would feel just finding out now and knowing it went on for a long time. Im very sorry and hope u can find some kind of peace.

still trying to catch up with everyones posts been away for a bit. went home for a christmas party on the weekend it was fun (they always are at my house). i e mailed my mom today explaining that i dont wanna be forced to going to my aunt and uncles house for christmas dinner if i dont feel like it. Its gonna be a hard day and i dont wanna do anything im not up too- so hopefully she understands and doesnt make me go.. not sure what i will do if she says i have too= maybe just not go home for christmas.

anyways must get back to studying i have finals this week and havent been doing well in my classes because of all this.

[laquinn]

It is not the cheating part it is the finding out after they are gone what was going on that makes me mad. I knew that we had our disagreements in the past and I know that I said some pretty louisy things to him but to find out on my own that he had a my space that listed him as single in May of this year when we were getting along and not fighting that is what hurts.

Like I said before maybe now I can move on alittle bit more and not feel so bad about doing or changing things in my life. Won't do it to fast but at least I can hold my head up and know now that I can do it and I will do it for myself. Maybe it sounds to harsh meaning that it's only been 2 months but right now that is how I feel.. now maybe tomorrow I might feel differently.

April I hope you are doing ok today!

It is raining here pretty good but at least it's not freezing and it's foggy I kinda wish it was snow  though maybe by Christmas!

Talk to u all later Lela 

 

[missyouhoney811]

Naz, I just came back from John's grave. I had three blue balloons which took off to the high heavens. One by one I set them free saying Today, Tomorrow and Always. His grave blanket is so beautiful..............I stood and talked to him for about twenty minutes.

I went to Macy's last night and found four outfits for PR.....................two are blue, one red  and one black. I was very happy to find them.  They are quite fancy.  I now have to go to the shoe department tomorrow and pick up my blue shoes with a siliver heel.  First time in my life I ever had a blue dress.  I actually never cared for the color blue that was always John's color for his suits. 

I am going to Zumba class tonight at 5:30 PM.  My heating pads are already on the bed just in case my pain kicks in more than it is now.  Move it or loose it.  I spent enough time in this house which I believe added to my back pain and weight gain.  My New Year's resolution will be "It's all about me" taking care of myself and to enjoy the life that I have been given and to make the best future that is out their for me. I think that is what I have to do in order to be really happy again.

April and Lela I would love to give both of you big hugs.  I also wish your spirits where a bit higher but after what you both have been through.............I do understand.  If my John makes contact with them I hope he beats the **** out of both of them.

I can't believe it's 16 months for John today.  I will always miss him.  Thank God my pain in my heart  and my grieving are healing.

God Bless all of you,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm ok I guess. I mean nothing is really changed he's still dead. but I am just devastated! I guess it doesn't really matter in the grande scheme of my life but it REALLY hurts! I have no idea if this was just online or what. I know they talked on the phone because he specifically talks about "sneaking calls while April was in the bath". I Just want to puke. seriously my stomach is killing me.

oh AND the chic IM'd me too! she isn't who I think she is but just the fact that she exists has me sick! I am hoping she will tell me more, but she doesn't seem to want to talk to me.  this was going on for at least 18 months from what I can tell. anyway I'm sure you all will get to hear me whine about this. sorry! it just hurts! just a few days ago I was thinking how lucky I was to have known him! now I hate him!

[armaiti]

You said she's in Oregon? Hope she's not in my town!

This internet thing can be so wierd - one of my close friends had her husband tell her last Thanksgiving that he was leaving her - for someone he'd met on the internet, and had actually cheated with while he and my friend were back east and my friend was at a retreat!  I want to kick his a** everytime I see him, which luckily isn't often.  (I was really into Xena when it was on, I can get a little rabid wanting to protect my friends...)

So here's my Christmas card to you'all, since I can't mail it to you, I'll put it up here - this is Akbar, the cat Ishaq and I got together, in the picture:

Blessings,

Anna

[amberi]

I havent been reading any post lately cuz my life has taken another drastic turn "for the worse" well maybe Im being dramatic.

On wed half of my daughters cheer squad quit and we were supposed to have a competition on sat, that was just the start of a horrible day. Then the phone rang again and she said the girls were being mean and said she had forced them to quit. then the phone rings again but this time its my son's school calling saying he fell and hurt his arm and needed to see a doctor. My mother picked him up and the phone rang again his arm was broken and really bad. I rushed (1 hr away) back home to the doctors and it was broken both bones in two places. He was screaming it was terrible. I then had to take him to an ortho. surgeon who was a bitch ( sorry but she really made me mad) she looked right at Dale (who is only 11) and said to him that I just want to let you know Dale there is a chance you could DIE from this surgery" I lost it Dale lost it. It took 2 hours to calm him down he was screaming that he missed his dad but didnt want to die yet. It was one of the worse feelings. I just didnt know what to do. Now tomorrow he has to have an x-ray to see if it stayed in place if it did then they will cast it if it didnt they will have to do another surgery. On top off all this Mon is my b-day, wed is Alex 7mo ann. then Christmas and no one to kiss on new years at midnight and the topper the kids have no insurance so I have to pay that bill out of pocket along with the 3 hospital bills of Alex's cuz California is a spousal pay state. If I had the balls I d run and never look back but of course I cant do that. I have to stay strong.

I thought the black cloud would be gone after Alex's cousin caused all that drama but apparently I must have really pissed off someone in my passed life.

Ladies I hope you are all doing ok, its a hard time of year. I cant wait to be able to come back and post and read more often I swear that was what kept my sanity.

Take care all and god bless, Sorry (well no thats what we are here for) for the venting and foul language.

love you all,

Amber

[armaiti]

What kind of idiot doctor tells an 11 year old they might DIE!!!???  It's too bad you can't sue on the grounds of sheer stupidity, cluelessness and abominable bedside manner.

Don't worry about venting or how you say it and what language!  I'm sure most of us have cussed quite a bit over these months/years, and I think you were being remarkably controlled to use a "b" word, there's a lot worse I would have said! (but I do have a potty mouth sometimes).

Keeping you in my heart & prayers,

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

lela and april you are not stupid. trusting and why wouldnt you be!but never stupid. im sorry you are going through this and had to find out the way you did. that really sucs.

becky

[airymoon]

oh and april --bring on the whining! you have every right to be seriously pissed and youtoo lela. Vent here its as good a place as any and maybe we'll bitch right along with you.

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, thanks for the Christmas Card.............it is beautiful.  My John also loved the program Xena. He never missed it.  We were both were upset when it went off.

I went to Zumba tonight WOW what a work out.  I plan on going again tomorrow. Classes go throughout the day so no reason to miss unless I feel more pain in the morning. Even if I do have pain I plan on going as often as possible. You work out for an entire hour no break whatsoever.............You move to latin music..........all the various dances. Anna, this class also in the routine teaches belly dancing. All different ages. I think I found a new home.

I finally did my Christmas Cards tonight...................early morning I will go to the post office.  I am doing my best to get out of the house and run around all day.

Count down to PR 12 more days...............FELIZ NAVIDAD

Sleep well...............

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

My clock just went off playing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"................. he is still here with me.  That makes me happy. (1:00 AM in the morning)

Love & Hugs,

Dorothy

[precioustams]

Hi all, I don’t write much on the boards, but when I do like times like tonight I feel an ease off my shoulders sometimes…maybe cuz it’s a place to vent and for once I know I am talking to people that understand. It’s just midnight here in Arizona and it’s Josephs 23^rd birthday. The emotions have been coming gradually and hitting me like a train wreck off and on but I’ve had to push them away because I have a final tomorrow in my medsurg class for nursing school (which I am barely passing), everyone in my class is stresses because of their study habits and I am just tryin to pass and get through tomorrow in one piece. Lil did the world know the 12^th wouldn’t be a good test day for me…but the world keeps spinning and everyones lives keep going. I am hurting so badly because joseph is not here and I am so angry at the same time that everyone I know doesn’t understand my pain. After my final I am getting things ready for a “party” at my house for Joseph. All of his friends will be here…just his close friends…some I have not seen since the funeral. Hopefully I make it thru tomorrow (if not I have a bottle of Jack, joe’s fave, to help me thru it all) and pass my exam as well, how has my life come to this…I was suppose to be finishing the details of our wedding at this time, not sitting here crying with my fiance in a box in my bedroom…how has it all come to this?

Thnks for listening,

Tamara

Happy Birthday baby! U’ll be a part of my heart and soul forever! I love u more than u’ll ever know!

[rodless]

Tamara, Good luck on your test. I remember sitting at a workshop last July 12 thinking that a year ago I was at my husband's funeral. Really makes it hard to concentrate on what's going on then you have something like that on your mind. When you get the test over, take a little time for yourself and then enjoy your party as best you can. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Tamamra- I hope you do well on your test.  all you got to do is get through the day. I know it's a hard day but it IS another day! the date may be the same but there won't ever be another day when he died,yk?

 

Becky- thanks. I am beyond pissed. just numb again. it does make my life easier in a way now because I won't  let myself feel sorry for his ass an longer. I just think of all the time I've wasted worried about him, who cares now? he obviously didn't! jerk!

 

I am so done with men! (yet again!). I think I will become a lesbian.

[aprilmoonflower]

Amber- I hope things become less stressful for you soon (((hugs)))

Anna- cool card!

I am lame, I never send out xmas cards. first of all I'm atheist ,so I would feel like a hypocrite and second I think it's a waste of trees! (I really am not down with xmas and the waste) I should do a digital one though!